- 12 minutes ago
Very Important People 2023 Season 3 Episode 12
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00:00Hi, I'm Katya. I'm 43 years of age, I'm a homosexual, and I actually do not have any hair.
00:15Today we're giving this comedian a total transformation.
00:18Oh my god, this is like almost a ride.
00:20They have no idea who or what they're about to become.
00:24Change the chair because I just shot.
00:25Once they see themselves in the mirror, they'll have to make up a character on the spot
00:31and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.
00:34Fucking love it.
00:35This is Very Important People.
00:40How are you doing?
00:41I'm doing fabulous.
00:43Not a Louboutin.
00:44Could be a Jimmy Choo, but I don't think.
00:50Oh my fucking god!
01:06This is fucking crazy!
01:10It's chic.
01:11Holy shit.
01:13Ow.
01:14I feel beyond this planet beautiful.
01:17It's not sexy George Washington, which is what I was expecting.
01:20Oh, the folds.
01:23It's so gross.
01:25Hi, I'm Nancy.
01:27I'm from Venus, and I'm here to eat, kill, and fuck your husbands.
01:31Not necessarily in that order.
01:34Have you guys ever given any thought to the kingdom of heaven?
01:41I killed my sister with my car.
01:45I know.
01:46I don't know.
02:21We all have a story to tell and sometimes those stories need to be shared with the world.
02:26Good evening.
02:27I'm Vic Michaelis back with another edition of Very Important People.
02:34Oh!
02:35Hello!
02:36Oh!
02:36Yep.
02:37Okay.
02:38Well that's fun.
02:38Maybe, maybe me too.
02:40Air's a little thick in here.
02:42What do you mean air's a little thick in here?
02:43Okay.
02:44Just a little.
02:45Wow.
02:47We don't wave at the crew.
02:48Oh.
02:48So please introduce yourself.
02:50I'm Linda Elizabeth Marie Braintree.
02:57What a beautiful name.
02:59I heard you're here today to sort of share with us your new line of cosmetics.
03:03That is correct.
03:04How did you get into the cosmetic business?
03:06Well, it was really the brainchild of a lot of soul searching.
03:10I was part of a think tank and we came up with a line of cosmetics that really address
03:17the trials, the tribulations, and the challenges of the modern woman.
03:21We spend a lot of time thinking about cosmetics here.
03:24But what about in here?
03:26Here.
03:27And so when I saw your targeted ad on AOL, I really went, we need to talk to this person.
03:32AOL.
03:33Okay, dial up.
03:33Okay.
03:34I am so parched.
03:36And cheers to that.
03:38So, cheers.
03:41Delicious.
03:42You brought in some cosmetics today.
03:44I surely did.
03:45So we can go ahead and fly in that cosmetics table.
03:48Roberto?
03:50Hello.
03:51Are we peeing?
03:52This?
03:53No.
03:53Okay.
03:54I wish we would though.
03:55You are so fun.
03:56I...
03:57Sorry to interrupt.
03:58I just get very excited about things that I sell.
04:01Okay, wonderful.
04:02I can't wait to take a look at some of these products here.
04:04So let's...
04:04Safety first is what I say on set.
04:06Here we go.
04:07Here we go.
04:09Okay.
04:10So, when was the last time you had penetrative intercourse?
04:12No, no, no, no, no, no.
04:13You had it right.
04:14Okay.
04:14So I'll do this.
04:15Okay.
04:16What sign are you?
04:17I'm a Scorpio.
04:17What sign do you feel like?
04:19If I'm being honest, a stop.
04:20Love.
04:21Love.
04:21Okay.
04:21So in that case, I'm going to recommend...
04:24Oh, so you sort of are literally looking at me holistically as a person.
04:27Baby, I don't do piecemeal.
04:28I do wholesale.
04:29Well, that was a big part of your sales pitch too, right?
04:31Is that you can't buy individual products.
04:32You have to buy a hundred at a time.
04:34Bundle.
04:34Yeah, bundle.
04:35Packages.
04:36Packages.
04:36How familiar are you with drinking dog piss?
04:39Not at all.
04:40Baby.
04:41Well, let's get into that.
04:42Sure.
04:43Give that a good waft.
04:45Okay.
04:46Mm-hmm.
04:46Yeah, that is...
04:47That's sort of...
04:48That's like pee.
04:49Cat piss.
04:51I've added plastic beads to this.
04:52A little bit of glitter gel.
04:53You're selling this for people to drink?
04:55No.
04:55Oh.
04:56You put it on your hair for gymnastics.
04:58You put this on your hair for gymnastics.
05:00You're...
05:00I don't have a gymnastics gel, so it's good to know.
05:03Listen.
05:03I'm sorry.
05:03I'm new to this.
05:04Every day, we're born anew.
05:06I had an idea.
05:06Maybe I could be a spokesperson for you, if that's okay.
05:08Please, please, please, please, please.
05:09Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on.
05:12Where'd my nipple go?
05:13We could fly in another nipple.
05:14No, no, no, we're good.
05:15We're good.
05:16Sell me.
05:16Okay.
05:17So, sort of how I would do that, maybe, and I would...
05:20Because, you know, on QVC, they sort of come in the middle, so they would sort of go like
05:23this.
05:24Hello.
05:25Do you do gymnastics?
05:26I would love for you to buy this from me.
05:28I need it, and I need to feed my family, and if you don't buy it, we're in a little
05:32bit of trouble financially.
05:33That was great.
05:34Okay.
05:35First pass.
05:36Now, I need it a little more succinct.
05:37Gen Alpha, their attention span is about .35 seconds.
05:43Cat piss.
05:43Glitter.
05:44Gymnastics.
05:45Do it!
05:45Whoa.
05:46Easy.
05:46Oh, my God.
05:47I don't do gymnastics.
05:48I'm allergic to cats, and I was like, I want that.
05:50Doesn't matter.
05:50Can I buy it?
05:50They're still hung up on the cat piss, so they're like, I want it.
05:53Maybe I'll buy some of that.
05:56Oh, yeah.
05:56Yeah.
05:57Oh, yeah.
05:58Okay.
05:58Oh, yeah.
05:59I'll buy it.
05:59I'll buy it.
06:00Maybe I'll buy that one.
06:01Cosmetics are great, but we need stuff that can not only sustain our image, but sustain our physical
06:07bodies.
06:07Sure.
06:08Let's clear out that urinary tract.
06:10Let's unblock that colon.
06:12And what better way to do it with this big chunk of, um...
06:18That makes a noise.
06:24And this is your product that you made.
06:26Oh, yeah.
06:27Yeah.
06:27Oh, yeah.
06:29I...
06:29It is so good.
06:31Yeah?
06:32Okay.
06:33Well, let me...
06:34I'll try.
06:35Sort of.
06:36Cheers.
06:42You can feel it working.
06:43You can feel the antioxidant.
06:46Riboflavin.
06:47What is this?
06:48It's just cat shit with glitter gel on it.
06:50I'm noticing a lot of ingredients for cat piss.
06:52But I'm gonna be able to find...
06:53Roberto!
06:54I'm gonna be able to find water.
06:56Listen, don't cry.
06:57Don't cry.
06:58Thank you so much.
06:59Uh-oh.
07:03Not for me.
07:03It seems like you're just taking sort of like waste products of cats and trying to market
07:08it as sort of wellness products.
07:10Finally.
07:10You get it.
07:11Listen, we put a man on the moon about 125 years ago.
07:16I don't think that's right.
07:17Why have we not figured out a way to turn human, canine, and feline feces into renewable energy sources?
07:24I mean, I suppose...
07:25Can I ask what the name of this line is?
07:27Feline.
07:28Okay, so we specifically are taking animal byproducts, specifically cats.
07:31Mostly cats.
07:32Mostly cats.
07:33And we are trying to turn it into something for good.
07:35A holistic approach that works like a virus.
07:37Have you ever had radiation?
07:38One time I had an x-ray.
07:39I broke my arm.
07:40You know that glow?
07:41Man, everything that you're saying is dangerous.
07:43It's sort of a general menace to society.
07:45And the way that you are saying it to me is kind of selling it if I'm being honest.
07:49And you just described the two biggest draws of this line.
07:54Dangerous.
07:55Dangerous.
07:56Exciting.
07:56Exciting.
07:57Non-FDA approved.
07:58Non-FDA approved.
08:00Extremely carcinogenic to the human body.
08:03Okay, let's get personal.
08:06Okay.
08:06I would love that.
08:07I would love for you to close your eyes.
08:08Okay.
08:09And I'm going to put this tray of beauty juice into your gorgeous hand.
08:14Oh.
08:14Now I want you to palpate the juice.
08:16So slow, sensual circles, counterclockwise.
08:22Yeah.
08:23Yeah.
08:23Uh-huh.
08:24Just two fingers.
08:25Just two.
08:26Yeah.
08:27Circles.
08:28And then lift the fingers up.
08:30Bring them just to the nose, but not touching.
08:33Give it a good whiff.
08:37Okay.
08:38Oh.
08:39Now put the gel down.
08:41Yeah.
08:42Very graceful.
08:43Very graceful.
08:44Perfect.
08:45Is it on the table?
08:45Yes.
08:46Okay.
08:46Okay, great.
08:47Now, imagine that you are on the 405 in a very long skirt.
08:51Okay.
08:51Teeny, tiny top.
08:52Sure.
08:53Hair all frizzy.
08:54No product in it.
08:55Okay.
08:55And you are struggling.
08:56It is 150 degrees outside.
08:58You've got no shoes.
08:59And you are at death's door.
09:02You pass out.
09:03You roll down the hill filled with thorns and brush and dead animals.
09:07And you fall into this ravine.
09:11And, you know, it's so funny.
09:12I forgot what the point of this story was.
09:15I feel like, and this is maybe crazy, because I tried this and I was like, this is poop.
09:19It tasted like poop.
09:20And then I was like, oh my God.
09:21Now I'm like, I feel kind of like better and I feel smarter and I feel like stronger.
09:25And I feel like sort of like a more like accomplished version of myself.
09:28Do you also feel that maybe your femur is starting to dissolve into the ligaments and bones in the flesh
09:34of your leg?
09:35I'm sorry?
09:36That your large bony protuberances are becoming a bit more porous.
09:40They're softening.
09:41My heart is softening to the world around me.
09:43You're the cerebellum detaching from the brain.
09:46Exactly.
09:46I'm not thinking as hard and I'm sort of just like going with my heart.
09:49But at the same time that heart is stopping.
09:52Punch through.
09:52This stuff at the end of the day, you know, it's really meant to solve everything.
09:59How do you solve everything?
10:00By letting go.
10:02Yeah, by letting go of your old self and using all of this to make yourself better.
10:06And a better person takes your spot.
10:07Yeah, by not being a person.
10:09Instead you're just sort of like a heart and a mind.
10:12And a husk.
10:12And a husk.
10:13A silent beautiful blob of liquefied flesh on my coffee table.
10:19You're a husk of your old self and you're just, you're so malleable.
10:22I don't want to argue, Vic.
10:23But I think the point that I'm trying to make so desperately that you're not hearing.
10:27Is that this stuff is meant to kill human beings.
10:29I'm listening.
10:30In life, there's no way to get out alive.
10:32You just gotta live hard and you become the best version of yourself.
10:35Book him, Dano.
10:36I was hoping that maybe I could ask you some rapid fire questions.
10:39Oh my god, hold on.
10:39Let me cross my legs and make sure my nipples are here.
10:43Oh dear.
10:44Okay.
10:44Thank you so much.
10:45Oh my god, I've made such a mess on your beautiful seat.
10:48I'm so sorry.
10:48No, no, you know what?
10:48Don't worry about that.
10:49Honestly, I think the thing that I'm learning is making people's jobs worthwhile.
10:52And so if we make a mess, it gives people something to clean.
10:55Small business owners.
10:57Yes!
10:57We're small business owners.
10:58I don't own this, but uh...
10:59Sugar Down Economics.
11:00Yes!
11:01Reagan?
11:01Nancy.
11:02Nancy.
11:03Uh, Pelosi.
11:03Huge, heavy Italian naturals.
11:07Okay!
11:08Some rapid fire questions.
11:09If you don't mind, please tell me a joke.
11:11What did the gay necrophiliac say about his ex-lover?
11:14Pass.
11:15That rotten asshole split on me again.
11:17Okay.
11:18Okay.
11:19Wonderful.
11:20I have to apologize.
11:21It is so freezing in here, I'm flinging sweat everywhere.
11:24Oh, so it's sort of opposite for you.
11:25Yeah.
11:26Okay.
11:26Oh, I'm kind of feeling that.
11:27I'm starting to think maybe it's the products.
11:29Like I'm feeling like clearer up here and my body's feeling kind of like wacky.
11:33Kind of like it's going to shut down about 45, 50 minutes?
11:35I would say sort of like my heart's beating fast.
11:37Can you picture your body kind of like a roast turkey on my coffee table?
11:41I can't.
11:43Next question.
11:43Okay.
11:44Have you ever been arrested?
11:45Reese Witherspoon.
11:46Okay.
11:47Well, I arrested her.
11:49You were a police officer?
11:49It was a citizen's arrest.
11:51Oh, a citizen's arrest.
11:51Because I...
11:52Listen, yes.
11:53Okay, you may accuse me correctly of using cosmetic products to kill human beings.
11:58Large quantities of human beings.
12:00But what I will not tolerate here or on any other planet is drunk driving.
12:05Who's accusing you of trying to kill a bunch of citizens here?
12:07We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
12:08But the point is you look great now and you feel wonderful.
12:12I know you're talking, but there's something about it.
12:14I'm just like...
12:14It's the hairstyle.
12:15I know I should never got a perm.
12:17Pretty fun.
12:17They're so 1992.
12:18Come on.
12:19Here we go.
12:19What is something you would change about your appearance?
12:22Ugh.
12:22I just wish my penis was at least six inches longer.
12:25How long is it now if you don't like anything?
12:26It's about a half an inch.
12:28Okay.
12:28Wonderful.
12:29So maybe that's something...
12:30Maybe the cosmetics can help with that.
12:33Vic.
12:34Okay.
12:35It's makeup, not magic.
12:36Right.
12:36That's my bad.
12:36And I apologize.
12:38And I accept.
12:38Okay.
12:40This is so fun.
12:41You know what?
12:41It's like we're having fun and people don't have enough fun.
12:44I wanna jump.
12:45I wanna hop.
12:45Roberto, is there a fucking minitramp we can get in here?
12:47Yeah, Roberto, can we get a minitramp in here?
12:49I feel amazing.
12:50Let's go.
12:51Okay.
12:52Here we go.
12:53Let's hop.
12:54Okay.
12:55Okay.
12:57I'm gonna do a jump.
12:59Yeah, take your shoes off.
13:00Blur these.
13:00Blur these.
13:01Blur these.
13:02You know, blur these ones extra.
13:03Okay.
13:03Ass or titties?
13:05Yeah!
13:05Uh, titties.
13:06Okay, well, what was your first job?
13:08Your turn!
13:08Get on there!
13:09Okay, Jesus Christ.
13:10Pediatric oncologist, 16.
13:12At 16 you were a pediatric oncologist?
13:14Yeah, but then I became a busboy.
13:15That was more my speed.
13:16Because we can do anything!
13:17Ah!
13:19Yeah!
13:20Your products are changing the world.
13:22We're gonna get it in everybody's hands.
13:23We're sending everybody, everybody here on set home.
13:25Yeah.
13:25With goo.
13:26And before you know it, you drop dead, no more problems.
13:29In a hundred years, you drop dead, no more problems.
13:31Whoa.
13:32What's that?
13:33Okay, whoa.
13:34One nation.
13:34Oh, there we go.
13:35That's the spirit.
13:36What's going on?
13:37You're feeling it, right?
13:37I feel like something's sort of like taking over my body.
13:39Oh, yeah.
13:40Okay, what's happening?
13:40That's the juice.
13:41Oh, that's the juice.
13:42Come on.
13:44What's happening?
13:44Don't fight it.
13:45What's happening to me?
13:46Slip into the pain.
13:47It's a warm glove filled with petroleum jelly.
13:49Okay.
13:50Whoa!
13:50Whoa!
13:50No!
13:51Okay.
13:52What's happening to me?
13:53You're dying, sweetie.
13:55What do you mean I'm dying?
13:56You're becoming a corpse.
13:57Like ego death corpse.
13:58No, no, like a real corpse.
14:00We're bringing you to the morgue.
14:01Oh, I'm not ready.
14:02Oh, yeah.
14:02I'm not ready.
14:03I've got so much left to do.
14:04No!
14:05Come on, you fucking...
14:06Our favorite gal is reading you to be true to yourself!
14:08Oh, Jesus Christ!
14:09And then you'd rather be somebody else than me!
14:10I want to do yourself!
14:11No!
14:15Holy fucking shit.
14:16Weren't those products beautiful?
14:17But guess what?
14:18We've got one extra special bonus item.
14:21A lovely teeny tiny wet brain that could go right inside your ugly head.
14:27You've only got about 16 seconds to take advantage of this wonderful offer.
14:31See this wet, malleable, gorgeous little brain.
14:34This could be inserted into your fucking head.
14:36And you will never know the difference.
14:39Ooh!
14:41Vic, this is going right in there.
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