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00:06Today I'm proud to celebrate the opening of a thing I never heard of, a freeway wildlife crossing.
00:12Now here is a little girl whose pestering has made this, whatever this is, a reality, Lisa Simpson.
00:20This land bridge will allow animals to migrate safely and end the collisions that have turned our freeways into a
00:26carcass-ridden hellscape.
00:35That's it, furry friends! Migrate wherever your little paws, hooves, and trotters wish to take you.
00:49They're headed towards the pharmaceutical factory!
00:57They're on drugs! Drogs on drugs! Coyotes on drugs!
01:02They're on drugs!
01:08This is your crane on drugs.
01:11The wildlife of Springfield has gone on a bad trip, gobbling up several tons of psychiatric medication.
01:17Snakes on antipsychotics are befriending rats on Zoloft.
01:21Beavers on beta blockers are building dams without their usual performance anxiety.
01:26Turtles tweaking on Adderwall are racing past filled-out rabbits on Cormoran.
01:31Look at those turtles go!
01:34America's back, baby!
01:35Dad, what's the road?
01:37Oh, right, driving.
01:38Okay, boy, you know the drill.
01:40I can't get sucked into a conversation with Millhouse's loser dad.
01:43So you need to bail out of the car without me coming to a full stop.
01:49Don't push me, I'm trying to time my jump.
01:52Blump, you, bud!
01:54No, no, no, no.
01:58Hey, buddy, come check out this new sprinkler I bought.
02:03360 rotation, my friend.
02:08Stuck at 90.
02:10I was doing it this morning, I swear.
02:16Get in here or you'll be trampled.
02:19Trampled, eh?
02:20Death or Kirk?
02:23Death or Kirk?
02:25Death or Kirk?
02:25Death it is.
02:27Due to this tragic and not-at-all-my-fault stampede of popped-up wildlife,
02:32all citizens are required to shelter in place,
02:36at least until the Badgers come down from the Ritalin.
02:39Looks like we're having a sleepover.
02:42Boys night!
02:44Yay!
02:47Nay.
02:48Hope everyone's hungry for spaghetti.
02:51Mmm.
02:52And to wash it down, the pasta water.
02:59You drink the water you boil the noodles in?
03:02Doesn't everyone?
03:03It's got all the nutrients.
03:05I love my nudie juice.
03:07This family sucks.
03:09Everything they do is different and wrong.
03:12May I be excused to go to the bathroom?
03:15Do you need to winkle or make?
03:17Eww!
03:23Today I show you how to restore full rotation on sprinkler head.
03:27Step one, remove splash plate.
03:30Why aren't you sleeping in your bedroom?
03:32Oh, Luann won't let me sleep in our bed because of my night sweats and night farting,
03:37and also something I'm too embarrassed to talk about.
03:40Uh-huh.
03:41Can I get one of those saltines?
03:42Have a whole sleeve.
03:44I get a 5% employee discount at the Cracker Factory.
03:47I took that in lieu of the pension.
03:50He-he-he.
03:51Mars won't let me eat crackers in bed because it makes the bed all crummy.
03:54Oh, man.
03:55That's how it starts.
03:56Next thing you know, you can't even take your socks off in your own house.
04:02Kirk!
04:03Socks!
04:09Well, it's been really great having you guys.
04:12We'll finish the jigsaw puzzle next time.
04:14We-we got the corners!
04:16That's the hard part!
04:18Well, great.
04:19Now it does a full rotation!
04:22They say Winkle instead of Wiz.
04:24Who says Winkle?
04:25We should.
04:26I think it's cute.
04:28Winkle.
04:32Oh, no, it's him.
04:34I'm not here.
04:37Oh, hi, Kirk.
04:38Are you okay?
04:40You're not looking, you're most...
04:42shoveled.
04:43Yeah, that's because I haven't slept in a week.
04:45I couldn't stop thinking about how cracker crumbs are destroying your marital bed.
04:48Who told you that?
04:49Not me.
04:50Hey, buddy, I kept wondering about how I could save your sexless marriage.
04:53And then some teens dropped candy apples on my car from an overpass.
04:57They weren't all teens.
04:58I mean, tell us more.
04:59When the apples hit my windshield, the glass cracked like a spiderweb, but didn't spray any shards.
05:04And that is when I had an epiphany.
05:06I could use that same technology to make a crumbless cracker.
05:09A crumbless cracker?
05:11That's madness!
05:11All I had to do was create a new edible polymer and a mouth-save adhesive.
05:15And after working on that for 96 hours straight, I came up with this.
05:21Take a bite, buddy.
05:33It broke clean!
05:40Kurt Van Houten, you did something incredible!
05:44No, Homer.
05:45We did something incredible.
05:53This is big, man!
05:55It's just hard to wrap my head around the idea of a cracker that doesn't crumb and a you that
06:00doesn't suck!
06:05Oh, yeah, I used to suck pretty hard, yeah, but you brought me out of it with your brilliant insight
06:10and now...
06:10Now I need you to take a leap of faith.
06:13I do like faith. It is the best way to get out of thinking about stuff.
06:17Quit your job and partner with me in a new cutting-edge cracker company.
06:22Homer? A cracker, bro?
06:25Let's take a walk.
06:27Picture something for me.
06:29Imagine this street is your whole life.
06:33Whoa.
06:36For a while, your existence was pretty good.
06:39But then things got hard and life's crackers began to shower you with their crumbs.
06:47The job.
06:49The boy.
06:51The hair!
06:53All those crumbs you endured were worth it
06:57because they led you to a different path.
07:03And after we walk it, you're gonna be a hero to your family and to the world.
07:09I wanna share this journey with you because you're a good man.
07:13I love you.
07:16I love you, too.
07:18Tell me, do you dare wipe away these starchy particles of shame?
07:26Homer, will you join me down this unknown road?
07:33I just have one question.
07:34If there's no crumbs, what's that on your shirt?
07:38Dandruff.
07:39I'm in.
07:43Excuse me, sir.
07:45Would you like to taste the future of bland food?
07:49Hmm.
07:50Not bad.
07:51And no crumbs.
07:53Tonight I'm gonna have the cleanest beard as the botched meth handoff.
07:58Sisters, you gotta try these.
08:02Mmm.
08:03And no crumbs.
08:04It's a crispy habit that won't mess up your habit.
08:08It's a miracle.
08:11Listen up, toilet paper hoarders and hot dog cheapskates.
08:15The cracker revolution is here.
08:21Yums, not crumbs.
08:23Yums, not crumbs.
08:25Yums, not crumbs.
08:27Yums, not crumbs.
08:29It's happening.
08:30Hit.
08:34Um, Kirk.
08:35As your doctor, I am deeply concerned by your behavior.
08:39I left you a message regarding your...
08:41Not now, Doc.
08:42I've gotta change the world.
08:44And no crumbs.
08:56Good news.
08:57Delta Airlines just ordered cracker sleeves for their entire fleet.
09:02Going crumbless is gonna save them $1.5 million a day in cleaning costs.
09:08Uh, Garcon, how much is your most expensive bottle of wine?
09:1340 bucks.
09:14Snoopy's on the bottle.
09:16Aw, it's not good enough for my friends, which is why I bought this $15,000 bottle at auction.
09:24Oh, sweetheart, isn't that a little pricey?
09:27Honey, if there's one thing I know, it's that there will always be enough money for everything forever.
09:33We are eternity!
09:37Nothing goes away.
09:41Dad, you're being a little weird.
09:44Oh, Milhouse, you're so wise.
09:46And Luan, you're just so freaking hot.
09:50I wish I was that lobster bib just so damp and all over you.
09:55Does Kirk seem a little... pejazzled?
09:59Shh, we're missing his brilliant insights.
10:02Oh, I just love the feeling of your sweat touching my sweat.
10:07Mmmmm.
10:09Oh.
10:09Oh, yeah.
10:10Mm-hmm.
10:11Oh, yeah.
10:12Oh, let me get a better look at you, baby.
10:14Come here.
10:14Come here.
10:16Be careful!
10:17Honey, please!
10:18Oh, come on, baby. Shake your millhouse maker.
10:22I wanna bang the whole world!
10:27Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighty. Ninety.
10:31Amazing. I don't know what's happening with Mr. Van Houten.
10:35It's like he's on something.
10:36More like he's off something.
10:38You see, Kirk suffers from bipolar disorder,
10:41and he ran out of his meds during the pharmaceutical shortage
10:43caused by that horribly ill-advised wildlife crossing.
10:48And when the drug supply returned,
10:50Kirk refused to go back on his meds
10:52because he felt like, quote, Superman surfing a hurricane.
10:56I'm afraid your friend is now well into a manic phase.
10:59Um, Dr. Hibbert, should you be telling us all this?
11:03Probably not, but I just had five mac and cheese ball martinis.
11:07I guess doctor-patient confidentiality
11:09doesn't stand a chance against deep-fried gin.
11:13I feel terrible.
11:15He needs to get back on his medication.
11:18Kirk has a serious illness.
11:20Marge, you just had a $3,000 glass of wine.
11:24How is that an illness?
11:26Yeah, Kirk rules.
11:27He's like the Joker in those awesome Batman movies
11:30where there's no Batman.
11:31According to the DSM-5,
11:33bipolar disorder type 1
11:34causes periods of up-related behavior
11:36followed by down periods of despair and hopelessness.
11:40Guys, wait up!
11:41I need to tell you something!
11:44Thank you for coming, buddy.
11:46Really appreciate it.
11:48I don't even live in this direction!
11:56Hi, Luanne.
11:58I wanted to talk about Kirk's behavior last night.
12:01It seemed a little...
12:04unmedicated.
12:05Oh, right.
12:05Kirk's disorder?
12:07It turns out there's a cure.
12:09Money.
12:10That'll be all, Cashington.
12:12But aren't you worried that...
12:14That I won't be able to keep him sexually satisfied?
12:16Of course I am.
12:18We've made love four times today.
12:20Five if you count the time he took me at Panera Bread.
12:24Why wouldn't you count that one?
12:26Listen, Marge.
12:27I know you're only here because you want to sleep with Kirk.
12:30I do not.
12:32Really?
12:32He just became a minority owner of the Calgary Flames.
12:36They haven't been good for years.
12:38Aren't you at least worried about how this could affect Milhouse?
12:42Look at me!
12:43I'm Daddy!
12:48That's going to be the boarding school's problem.
12:51You're watching CNBC, the Crackers Nothing But Crackers Network.
12:55I'm Harper Poppyseed, and this is Crunch Time Live.
12:59Today we talk with the genius behind the crumbless cracker, Kirk Van Houten,
13:03and his co-founder, Homer Simpson.
13:05Listen, your Kirker's brand now controls 6% of the national saltine market.
13:09What are your plans for expansion?
13:11We don't have a plan for expansion.
13:12We have a plan for domination.
13:14I eat skyscrapers.
13:16Um, what my colleague is saying is that we have a plan for measured steady growth.
13:21What is this thing?
13:22I hate it.
13:23Do you mean the stock ticker?
13:25Oh, look, it's Cheez-Its.
13:27Oh, those cheddar chumps turned me down for a job seven years ago.
13:31Hey, Zitz, tell me how my butt tastes.
13:33Well, that's all the time we have.
13:36Thanks for joining us.
13:37Mr. Van Houten, your competitors say your product is not all its crackers.
13:40Are we really going to talk about crackers when humanity is on the verge of extinction
13:44and I am the only one who can save us?
13:48Excuse me?
13:49Once temperatures on the Earth's surface become lethal,
13:51we need to transport citizens to the ocean floor using a high-speed aquatic rocket.
13:57Oh, my God.
13:58Mr. Van Houten, your stock has plummeted over 60% since the start of our interview.
14:03And humanity needs to plummet 2,000 fathoms to the ocean floor.
14:08Fund the aqua rocket now!
14:11It's no longer safe for me to be here.
14:16It's not a real city!
14:18Homer, I don't feel so good.
14:26Hey, buddy.
14:28What you doing?
14:29Checking the weather.
14:31Gray and cloudy.
14:33Refresh.
14:34Gray and cloudy.
14:35Refresh.
14:38You know how some people think you're something called bipolar?
14:41Not me, but this might be the other pole.
14:45I think I'm going to stop brushing my teeth.
14:49This is the FBI.
14:51We have a warrant.
14:55Why is the FBI here?
14:57Uh, because I stole money from the Cracker Company to fund the aqua rocket,
15:02and now we're being investigated by the SEC.
15:06The Salty Edibles Commission?
15:08No, no, no, no!
15:11My hand smells like cheese.
15:13What the hell is happening?
15:15Well, Kirk has been stealing money from the company to fund an underwater superboat that doesn't exist.
15:21Well, everyone is terrifying.
15:23As soon as the FBI came in, Bart ran upstairs.
15:26Not the feds.
15:27Not the feds!
15:30You know how I was warning you about how Kirk was bipolar?
15:34I was the one.
15:35You didn't...
15:36Ow!
15:37It's okay, it's okay.
15:39I forgive you.
15:40I have a plan to make everything right.
15:42What could you possibly do?
15:44I've got to take the fall for Kirk's crimes.
15:47Our family's in ruins!
15:49No, no, look.
15:50If Kirk goes to jail, the Cracker Company is worthless.
15:53But if I confess, our shares in the business will make us rich.
15:57No amount of money can fix this.
16:00Not even this much?
16:01Not even that.
16:02Huh?
16:04I still don't think you should do it.
16:06Oh, there's another zero.
16:08It doesn't matter.
16:10Promise me you won't take the fall for Kirk.
16:13Okay, I promise.
16:14I'll think of another way.
16:18Dearest Marge, I couldn't think of another way.
16:21Please try not to gasp.
16:23I'll be okay.
16:24They'll send me to a white-collar prison that probably has lots of DVDs in their DVD library.
16:29Kiss Lisa and Maggie and strangle the boy for me.
16:32Love, Homer.
16:35When your day is long
16:40And at night
16:42At night you snack alone
16:50When you're sure your hunger's gone
16:55For this life
16:59We're paying hard
17:04We're paying hard
17:06Don't let yourself choke
17:13Just because your mouth is dry
17:22Everybody
17:23Everybody
17:24Everybody
17:24Kirks
17:25Crumb times
17:32Everybody
17:35Kirks
17:37The crime times
17:40When crackers
17:41Tastes like lies
17:43Tastes like lies
17:48Everybody
17:49Everybody
17:50Kirks
17:52So
17:54Munch on
17:57Munch on
17:59Munch on
18:01Everybody
18:01Kirks
18:09I need to talk to your husband now
18:12Oh look, Kitty needs her ball of yarn
18:15I see you wore your sluttiest dress
18:18Whatever
18:19Whatever
18:19Where is he?
18:22Oh, Kirk
18:23I know you're not to blame for this depression and I'm sorry
18:26Oh
18:27But Homer is
18:29Stop eating turkey
18:31Blech
18:32Wake up
18:33Oh
18:34Oh
18:36Kirk
18:37You're only supposed to use the pool shower
18:40Sad Marge
18:41Just sad
18:42Who is on his way to confess to your crimes?
18:47You have to go to the FBI and tell them the truth
18:49My house is crying on me
18:52Dr. Hibbert gave me your pills
18:54God love him, but he's so unethical
18:56If you take these, you'll feel better
18:59No one likes me when I'm regular, Kirk
19:01When I stopped taking my meds, everyone liked me
19:05I didn't
19:06But if you ever cared about your friendship with Homer
19:09Take this
19:15Homer's been gone for so long
19:17There's no time to catch up to him before he confesses and my family is destroyed
19:21Oh, yes there is
19:23The, the aqua rocket
19:25There is no aqua rocket
19:27It only exists in your manic psychotic mind
19:41This is incredible
19:43Oh, I couldn't even get their color right
19:46The missiles don't even work
19:47I'm so stupid
19:54Is this what being manic feels like?
19:58Yeah
19:59Now I get it?
20:04Aqua rocket!
20:08But I can't let you go to jail
20:11The world needs you
20:12I need you
20:13The person you need is manic, Kirk
20:16And he's gone
20:17But we were going to walk down the unknown road together
20:21Hey, hey
20:23We'll always have CrackerCon Cleveland
20:30Kirk, never forget
20:32You are the best dude
20:45I am, I am, I am Superman
20:50And I know what's happening
20:58If you go a million miles away
21:03If you go a million miles away
21:03I'll track you down, girl
21:06Trust me when I say I know the pathway to your fire
21:14I'm Superman
21:17I'm Superman
21:18I'm Superman
21:19And I know what's happening
21:23I am, I am, I am Superman
21:27And I can't do anything
21:31I am, I am on a road
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