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00:00:37Hey, this is Redback, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas.
00:00:42For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get it for Tony, it's Glenn!
00:00:56Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?
00:01:00Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?
00:01:05Yippee!
00:01:06Make some noise for Brian Reddy, ladies and gentlemen.
00:01:11Oh, yeah.
00:01:13And that's the best damn band in all the land. Make some noise for them, huh?
00:01:18Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, that's Tres Leches on the horns.
00:01:24You got Michael Gonzalez in the mix, that's Nacho's Bel Grande.
00:01:28Joining the band tonight, the banjo player from Mumford & Sons, an unbelievable artist, Winston Marshall, ladies and gentlemen.
00:01:35Huge part of the Kill Tony family, we know him, we love him, the homie.
00:01:40Big choice for Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys.
00:01:44And believe it or not, that man sitting right there, that's not Adam Ray.
00:01:50That's D Madness, live in the flesh, everybody.
00:01:56The eyes and ears of the band.
00:02:00What an episode we have for you.
00:02:02This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Shopify, Talkspace and ZipRecruiter.
00:02:08This is Kill Tony.
00:02:10And here is a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that make the whole thing possible.
00:02:15Hello there, everyone.
00:02:16This podcast is sponsored by Saley.
00:02:18Whether you're hitting the road for a comedy tour or just trying to escape the country for a vacation,
00:02:22getting off a long flight and realizing your phone doesn't have internet is an absolute nightmare.
00:02:27That's where Saley comes in.
00:02:29Red band.
00:02:30Tony, I love Saley.
00:02:31Think of it as your new travel buddy.
00:02:33It's a super simple eSIM app that keeps you connected in over 200 places around the world.
00:02:38And if you don't know what an eSIM is, it's just a digital SIM card.
00:02:43That means no more swapping out those tiny plastic cards.
00:02:46No more waiting in line at the airport.
00:02:49No more getting scammed by weird kiosks outside the train station.
00:02:52You just download the Saley app once, pick an affordable data plan,
00:02:56and you're instantly connected.
00:02:57Say goodbye to those insane expensive roaming fees.
00:03:00Get an exclusive 15% discount on Saley data plans when you use code KILLTONY at checkout.
00:03:07Download the Saley app or go to Saley.com slash KILLTONY.
00:03:11Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh?
00:03:15Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to say you have three guests tonight.
00:03:20The rare triple threat fucking guest lineup.
00:03:24Two of them are two of the most used guests in the show's history.
00:03:29One of them is first time brand spanking new on panel,
00:03:34because I think he's one of the funniest people on Earth coming up the ranks.
00:03:38Truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world.
00:03:41Your three guests tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Ari Shafir,
00:03:45Louis J. Gomez, and Peyton Ruddy.
00:03:49Oh my god, it's Ari Shafir.
00:03:52The real deal, Louis J. Gomez.
00:04:02And introducing to the KILLTONY universe, Peyton Ruddy, everybody.
00:04:08Peyton Ruddy, everybody.
00:04:10It rhymes.
00:04:10I legitimately need that hat back.
00:04:14It's all fun and games.
00:04:15I got that in a bodega.
00:04:16It's a...
00:04:17Don't give it back.
00:04:18What are you doing?
00:04:19Keep it.
00:04:20He's a legend.
00:04:21Oh, come on.
00:04:24Oh my god.
00:04:26I understand you don't want to touch anything that has been on a Jew's head,
00:04:29but just throw it away.
00:04:31He needs that hat so he can get through the tunnel quicker.
00:04:34It's aerodynamic.
00:04:36Ari Shafir, ladies and gentlemen, is here.
00:04:39My big brother.
00:04:40Everyone's big brother in this.
00:04:43The End is out now.
00:04:45He's back with a brand new storytelling series.
00:04:49It's available at AriShafir.com.
00:04:51So many great comedians on it.
00:04:53I'm on it.
00:04:53You're on it.
00:04:54Shane Gillis is on it.
00:04:55Nate Bargazzi.
00:04:56The list goes on and on.
00:04:57It's must-see TV available now at AriShafir.com.
00:05:01The End.
00:05:02Luis J. Gomez is back, everybody.
00:05:06The master and grand leader of the Skankfest world.
00:05:10Skankfest tickets are available at Skankfest.com.
00:05:14Might be sold out by the time this gets out.
00:05:16If they're not, make sure you fucking get them.
00:05:18It is the comedy festival.
00:05:19I'll be there.
00:05:20Red Band will be there.
00:05:21Everyone's there.
00:05:22It's a crazy, big, dirty, sweaty, fun festival.
00:05:26And Peyton Reddy, everybody.
00:05:27It's his first time.
00:05:28Look how adorable this sweet boy is.
00:05:31Speaking of dirty and sweaty and fun.
00:05:34Hey, thanks for having me.
00:05:36Yeah, we're happy to have you.
00:05:38His tour, my best work, is at PeytonReddyLive.com for tickets.
00:05:42Go see him.
00:05:44This is the future right here.
00:05:45You're seeing him for the first time on Kill Tony.
00:05:47Peyton Reddy, everybody.
00:05:48Follow him on Instagram at PeytonReddyComedy.
00:05:50That's R-U-D-D-Y.
00:05:53And we're going to have so much fun one more time.
00:05:55This episode is brought to you by Shopify Talkspace and ZipRecruiter.
00:05:57You guys know how it works.
00:05:59Over 200 innocent souls.
00:06:01Some of them not innocent at all.
00:06:02Some of them guilty of many crimes.
00:06:04Signed up for tonight's show.
00:06:05Anything can happen.
00:06:07It's funny to do a ZipRecruiter thing with a bunch of guys who haven't had jobs in years.
00:06:10It's true.
00:06:11We're going to find out all about it.
00:06:13They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.
00:06:14If I pull their name out of the bucket, you know their time is up and you're the sound of
00:06:17a kitten.
00:06:17That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
00:06:21I'm going to let this guy that looks like if you put one of Donald Trump's sons in a microwave,
00:06:25pull the first name.
00:06:28There you go, sir.
00:06:29There you go.
00:06:32Very exciting.
00:06:33Send it along.
00:06:34We go wrangle that person.
00:06:35And while we wrangle the first comedian, we're going to have one of our great regulars do a brand new
00:06:39set.
00:06:40Sometimes this guy does over a minute.
00:06:42He never calls out sick.
00:06:44He never misses a set.
00:06:45You're watching one of the great comedians of the future grow in front of your very eyes.
00:06:51Ladies and gentlemen, this is a guy that was once known as the dark storm of Atlanta.
00:06:56He's now known as the dark storm of Austin, Texas.
00:06:59This is a brand new set from the great Dedrick Flynn, everybody.
00:07:03down.
00:07:05Oh, man, can I pass?
00:07:10Hey y'all von Knicks.
00:07:10Guys, what happened to silly- people?
00:07:13Everybody in this country just wanna be upset or the sadness or the madness,
00:07:18and I just wanna be silly.
00:07:20Uncross your arms, niggas!
00:07:21Silly up.
00:07:22You see what I'm talkin' about?
00:07:23why are you just you ain't come here to have a good time you laughing what happened to the silly
00:07:28laughs that used we used to have goofy ass laughs at comedy nicks be like y'all don't even do
00:07:33that
00:07:34no more do y'all remember y'all remember silly jews do y'all remember jews were the silliest
00:07:39people in america larry david and seinfeld and sarah silverman's fine ass y'all remember that
00:07:46just fucking harry went into the wilderness for a year because he couldn't be silly anymore
00:07:51and we just need to just let that out i don't know why it's because i just wanted to say
00:07:57that so i
00:07:57could do this silly joke real fast that i wrote down uh just to get y'all to mindset uh
00:08:02dating your
00:08:03eggs is a lot like reheating french fries all right i'm do the next one i
00:08:14sir you ever been here with the rocket ship effect the rocket ship effect you know what that is
00:08:19that's when you see somebody who thinks attractive and they walking towards you and you're like oh
00:08:23that's a ten nine eight seven all right y'all that's my time i love y'all damn he's done
00:08:32it again one
00:08:32minute 22 seconds from dedrick flynn very funny i love it hell yeah lewis j gomez dedrick always so
00:08:40funny you're you're fucking hilarious but you are dressed like a bumper sticker on a pickup truck in
00:08:44texas usa very patriotic i just got here from nigeria and was trying to pretend he's
00:08:56i love the yankees
00:09:03i hate your hat
00:09:04very
00:09:06welcome dedrick you got a little rabbit's foot over there
00:09:09yeah uh some some lady at the uh because we went to wrestlemania uh after the show she came
00:09:15up to me she's like this is for you and then she didn't give anybody else one so i just
00:09:20wanted
00:09:21to just oh you got one too oh shit she didn't give it to us at the same time you
00:09:28was back there
00:09:28breaking down the drum set you didn't get why you ain't wearing it why you got it in your pocket
00:09:33is it supposed to be in your pocket it's supposed to be right here where it's supposed to be all
00:09:36right
00:09:37don't
00:09:39i mean wow i mean dude i'm a big guy but i've never clipped my dinner to my belt after
00:09:44i'm done eating
00:09:47i'm going to save some of this for nata
00:09:51hey peyton ruddy has arrived i love it them buttons is fighting for they life peyton
00:10:00you look like mikey from recess grown up nigga i would not do it
00:10:07see we're silly we're friends i know him
00:10:10yeah well your chain is too tight buddy
00:10:13that that is too tight what's going on over there you've been doing
00:10:17i do a lot of push-ups you wouldn't know nothing about this
00:10:20i do a lot of push-ups but i'm at home because i want to feel like i'm back in
00:10:25jail so i can work
00:10:26harder you do push-ups with your neck yeah i love it yeah double up the chain is it like
00:10:32yeah around twice no it's two steps so stop counting the gold
00:10:38how many runs are there how many specific carries
00:10:42how much would you give me for it on your new york strip market
00:10:48it looks like the most expensive lynching ever
00:10:53that's good i like that a lot thank you so much for that
00:10:56i appreciate you thank you so much you look like the top of a s'more with your
00:11:02graham cracker skin and that dumbass marshmallow
00:11:05now i like you oh you're getting cold from there are you bald is that why you're wearing that
00:11:09yeah there it is scared of being bald just let it go bro
00:11:18dedrick you got the show started yet again ladies and gentlemen
00:11:22he used to do it every week not an easy job but he did it again the great dedrick
00:11:28clint everybody and it has begun to the bucket we go everyone this is where shit gets crazy we're
00:11:35gonna meet people all together a lot of it's gonna be their first time maybe it's someone who's been
00:11:39on before maybe they bombed last time they were on and they're here for redemption maybe they did
00:11:43good and this time it didn't go so good maybe they did good twice in a row anything can happen
00:11:46good the whole thing's improvised make some noise for your first bucket pool it's tom frank everyone
00:11:52here comes tom frank
00:11:58that's right tom frank no relation but uh i'm gonna try and lock in right now like that great woman
00:12:04my name is uh i'm a gypsy yeah that just means i have a hard time answering simple questions like
00:12:09where are you from what are you doing here and have you seen my dog yeah my family's from czechoslovakia
00:12:15yeah um back then wasn't a good time to be jewish so it turns out gypsy's just a jew that
00:12:21lost their
00:12:21documents still sucked but a lot of people like to remind me hey that's not a country like thanks
00:12:28for reminding me i don't have a home right yeah we should have been clever named it something that
00:12:33would stick like israel then it would still be around and real today right but i'm a little
00:12:39suspicious you know i think uh like greenland is an iceberg turkey it's full of cats and then whenever
00:12:47the immigrants come to the border hungary's like sorry we're full but it was easy growing up with uh
00:12:54immigrant parents actually they were clever you know they knew enough kids at school were calling
00:12:58me a fat retard why would they pay money for me to hear that from a professional
00:13:05i used to be uh fat but uh still stupid so the school system is broken but fat shaming works
00:13:13all right tom frank how you doing tom it's a good day to be alive okay all right uh how
00:13:23long is it though
00:13:25with you guys yeah how long you been doing stand-up comedy uh longer than than i should be
00:13:31you want to answer the question yeah like six years on and off okay six years and why do you
00:13:37look like an old-timey explorer you look like you'd be standing at the front of a ship ready to
00:13:44take over some african country or something like that i just got back from a festival you know what
00:13:49was the festival peak state you have uh you know brent pella nope oh yeah what what's that festival
00:13:57he made a movie at a festival about a festival it's pretty cool doesn't sound cool at all
00:14:04how many people go to this festival like 500 wow it's pretty good is it like is there music and
00:14:10what
00:14:11goes on at the festival yeah all the fixings you know cosplay and dancing and i don't know camping
00:14:18pretending homeless it sounds like skank fest to me tom frank what do you do for a living
00:14:27i'm a tour guide of what what kind of tours are you giving go hiking i do give tours of
00:14:32the boogie
00:14:48nature of course yeah you get paid to give tours to nature drive people around walk them up where
00:14:54where exactly the national parks it's a beautiful country peyton are you making all this up on the
00:14:59spot right now what the fuck are you talking about right now yeah you know i drive people uh around
00:15:08and uh i told you i'm a gypsy right it's not so easy to answer what does that mean to
00:15:14you exactly
00:15:14hey you're on the road we're all gypsies yeah i guess so yeah exactly all right tom what's the
00:15:23most interesting thing about you you're on a podcast right now you're barely answering questions honestly
00:15:28get to some meat and potatoes here you got anything about you that you might find interesting i speak a
00:15:33few languages like what czech slovakian was that two languages
00:15:41it counts yeah why do you keep pronouncing it that way slovakia because we were the original slaves
00:15:48no the akia part slavakia not slavakia yeah you know classic white guy taking credit for slavery
00:15:59all right uh okay tom are you funnier in those languages it's easier you know when they don't
00:16:12understand you and they just you just got a funny face right like in brazil they don't understand
00:16:18so much english but they love it when a gringo dances okay tom uh he's got the he's got the
00:16:26vibe
00:16:26of his last tour to the woods was with gabby petito yeah yeah
00:16:34and right before he killed her he went my wife
00:16:38she's a dad tom frank here's a little joke book we're gonna keep it moving along there he goes tom
00:16:44frank everybody
00:16:48yeah
00:16:50how about more how about make some noise for winston marshall
00:16:54i love a good banjo
00:16:57make some noise for the lovely heidi everybody this is her live in the flesh
00:17:01feast your eyes on the real deal
00:17:04go to heidi regina.com a lot of fun stuff going on over there
00:17:08isn't she the best we got cigars we got drinks it's a party here hello there this podcast is
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00:18:50tony and
00:18:50enter promo code space eight zero this podcast is sponsored by zip recruiter you know i hired someone
00:18:55recently who was not only qualified but also genuinely interested in the open role and that
00:19:02really influenced my decision to hire them they were eager to learn more about the job and their
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00:19:10about your role but you can't get that insight from a resume unless you post your job on zip recruiter
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00:20:09make some noise for your next bucket poll everybody looks like a new name to me it's chris
00:20:15jurassimo everyone thank you you nailed my last name jurassimo sounds like i'm a dinosaur from jurassic park
00:20:31unfortunately i have a neck long enough to also be a dinosaur from jurassic park
00:20:43how fun that joke is who depends on where you're sitting
00:20:47this guy had the perfect view over here careful this is a splash zone
00:20:52but it's a greek name you know my people invented both democracy and anal
00:20:59welcome tony
00:21:09but it's a stereotype because in ancient greece the spartans actually had gay sex to help the army's
00:21:15team chemistry
00:21:18that's pretty crazy right to think that fucking your boys makes you fight better
00:21:26how did they find that out
00:21:30and how embarrassing was it and they realized there's like no correlation between
00:21:34anal the boys being better soldiers
00:21:37that's who's gay i don't know
00:21:39all right chris jurassimo ladies and gentlemen welcome welcome
00:21:45good set you got your cheap tony is gay uh joke in there no it's fine made lewis laugh really
00:21:51hard
00:21:51this giant fucking seven-year-old retard for no reason whatsoever it's a loophole in the show
00:21:58according to you guys where you just go hey tony loves anal and everybody laughs so fun how exciting
00:22:04instead of it being a real show about stand-up comedy there's just a blatant loophole and you
00:22:08just let people get away with it you loved it too i saw your adam's apple get three sizes bigger
00:22:13when
00:22:14you fucking freak welcome chris how are you what is jurassimo is that italian what is that it's greek
00:22:21greek yes all right it was the whole minute yeah perfect i mean tony why don't you pay attention
00:22:28yeah you'll be right now i know he was seething off that gay joke and he was like
00:22:34yes furious i couldn't hear anything before or after
00:22:39uh tony your your neck looks like you try to make a meme of yourself in chat gbt
00:22:45he's chris by the way i'm tony oh yep that'll hold the joke back yeah chris it looks like you're
00:22:53always gulping chris how long you been on stand-up uh three years now where at i'm from windsor canada
00:23:02but i live in toronto now so ooh big upgrade there how's toronto treating you it's fun i got the
00:23:07kill
00:23:08tony boys you got jared and kansai yeah yep those are your homies you do shows with them a lot
00:23:13yeah
00:23:13you get a lot of concise ramen actually my mom met kansai because she stayed in my place and he
00:23:21bowed
00:23:22and my immigrant mom said get up and laughed at him thought that was pretty racist but yeah chris what
00:23:28do you do for a living um i work for a non-profit that has career days in high schools
00:23:33so i travel around
00:23:35running career days most of the kill tony open micers work for a non-profit yeah yeah yeah i get
00:23:41bullied by high schoolers all the time it's great what did they say about you there was this asian
00:23:45chick that was really mean to me one time i just said hi to her and she said you seem
00:23:50toxic as
00:23:51fuck wow and i bet your ex is right about you damn yeah amazing that girl yeah okay chris so
00:24:02three
00:24:02years in stand-up you're in toronto how often do you get to make it to america uh i used
00:24:09to live
00:24:09in windsor so i used to go over to detroit a lot but not much anymore you guys are far
00:24:14and you hate us
00:24:16but yeah that makes sense uh chris what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy
00:24:22what
00:24:22are some things that uh you do you collect pokemon's or something no okay good answer
00:24:31uh i don't know i guess i used to fight it's a kickbox a little bit oh wow like uh
00:24:36professionally
00:24:36no i just hand me yeah i used to okay what else just kickbox is that your thing just hang
00:24:43out with my
00:24:43girl my mom my roommate yeah at the same time no
00:24:50what do you and your girl do together uh long walks on the beach typical stuff the old toronto
00:24:57beaches yeah are you are you making all this up on the spot right now no no she's real she's
00:25:02real
00:25:02i promise she's real i got two fucking serial killers in a row hang out with my mom
00:25:07yeah i'm boring is your mom uh dead body in your attic i change her outfit every day
00:25:16louis that's your mom
00:25:20he got you
00:25:27so so what are you like german or something
00:25:31he's greek what you paying attention all right chris come on give us something crazy about your
00:25:38life there's got to be something you ever have a near-death experience uh no he is gonna after
00:25:43the show you motherfucker talking about my mom again i'll kickbox your ass back to canada you piece of
00:25:51me no i've never almost died you ever saved anyone's life um i almost saved someone's life
00:25:58tell us about that they died yeah what happened uh well it's gonna get a little sad but my dad
00:26:08died
00:26:08like two years ago like in front of me wow how did your dad die uh he had a heart
00:26:15attack and wow and
00:26:17i hopped in did cpr and no mouth to mouth like don't worry yeah yeah he's not tom brady or
00:26:25anything but
00:26:25got her but you did do mouth to mouth no no no did you do uh chest compressions
00:26:30chest compressions yeah did you do mouth to cock how long did you do chest compressions for
00:26:38about five minutes yeah wow and then the paramedics arrived yeah canadian paramedics yeah they were
00:26:45they were like real wacky yeah just chest compressions on his belly button or
00:26:53showed up showed up on a horseback yeah oh he just needs some maple syrup i'm sorry we lost them
00:26:59we
00:27:00lost them i'm sorry oh my goodness how long ago was this uh two years next month damn yeah did
00:27:09you
00:27:09get this is gonna sound insensitive when you were doing the chest compression was there a second where
00:27:15his eye just kind of just did that move thing where you thought you had saved him but then realized
00:27:24no no no that was it sorry are you
00:27:32do you have to wear two scarves good question great question do you have to wear two scarves
00:27:40on those cold canadian days i'm anti-scarf anti-turtleneck those two products have
00:27:46discriminated against my neck size wow amazing amazing peyton anything else for this guy i see you
00:27:54eyeballing i i mean i don't think so i really i like your vibe appreciate it yeah i had nothing
00:28:00mean to say to you yeah you have a good energy chris you're a good guy i'm sorry that i
00:28:04didn't
00:28:04hear you hear you say that you're greek um here's a big joke book we'll keep it moving along there
00:28:10you go chris thank you gerasimo everybody oh this is an interesting name that got pulled out of the
00:28:17bucket this guy uh is a very compelling character in the history of kiltony i think he's been on twice
00:28:24before very much accused of uh stealing the style of uh mitch headbert and um but you know it's kind
00:28:35of a bizarre situation because yes but he's also kind of like that but also not but kind of is
00:28:41uh but
00:28:42he is a really great joke writer i will say that so let's see what he does tonight make some
00:28:47noise for
00:28:47the return of keegan carmichael everybody
00:29:05hey a guy stole my wallet he's like haha i have your wallet i was like haha you have 8k
00:29:13of credit card
00:29:16to start paying it back you bum hey you get cheese on a burrito it's free queso it's extra
00:29:28so i'll take it in english
00:29:41i can't afford a bilingual burrito
00:29:47just make it in a language that's cost effective
00:29:52hey my sister is vegan on thanksgiving she eats alone
00:30:02i saw a sign it said in case of fire use stairs but fuck that let's use water
00:30:13keegan carmichael
00:30:16looks like mitch sounds like mitch writes like mitch but i mean mitch ain't alive and here you are mitch
00:30:25is
00:30:25dead and here you are so if it's the ghost of mitch i'll fucking take it people will complain about
00:30:32it but god damn it you're doing it and that's crazy but you're yeah i think you should just go
00:30:38by the ghost of mitch headberg but i don't know what do i know the whole thing's very compelling to
00:30:44me because you are your own person and you do sound and look like that right so these are not
00:30:48mitch
00:30:48headberg jokes not ones that he did i don't believe right no but but it is in the style and
00:30:56he looks
00:30:56like that and he sounds like that it's very bizarre i think i was here your first time what and
00:31:02i think
00:31:02last time you were like i've never heard of mitch headberg no i actually never said that but then
00:31:08the internet just ran with it so whatever yeah that's exactly what mitch headberg would say
00:31:17i will tell you that my favorite part of that is when you do that queso and cheese joke michael
00:31:21gonzalez just goes
00:31:26you did that queso and cheese joke and peyton almost came
00:31:31it is an anomaly you find these uh you find these uh you find these uh you find these great
00:31:36premises
00:31:37i mean the credit card debt you know whatever that's kind of a kind but you you're warming up
00:31:42there you're just starting but other than that everything after that very funny very interesting
00:31:49angles and premises you have a real knack for it how much time out of my own genuine curiosity
00:31:55do you think you have of jokes like that all put together if you had to do the longest set
00:31:59possible
00:32:00oh i've done an hour like yeah wow i i have like i have 1500 jokes but i had an
00:32:07epiphany two nights
00:32:08ago so i got to rewrite them all yeah take us through this epiphany take us through it step by
00:32:14step what happened exactly i was high yeah we know we know that there's no doubt about that
00:32:22we knew that part keegan where were you how does it happen what did you think what was the epiphany
00:32:29oh i can't give that away i can't give that away come on yeah you can come on you're on
00:32:34you're on
00:32:35the show come on i just i watched the question south park and jordan peel okay okay to elaborate yeah
00:32:44can you can you give us some more
00:32:49the ghost pivot okay can you keep going absolutely not i gotta i have to gatekeep the ghost pivot okay
00:32:56let's
00:32:57check in with peyton i'd like to return to this free queso idea you were talking about how exactly
00:33:03does this work you got to tell them they they ask you if you want queso you just say i
00:33:09don't need the
00:33:09translation yeah i will try that it is interesting right they have an oven they have the stovetop thing
00:33:18they have the cheese the melted cheese is queso queso's extra cheeses and the cheese even melts if you
00:33:24put it in the thing what do you think about it but how much is it if i ask for
00:33:27marsh
00:33:31it's a lot more i uh keegan i think you're very funny dude i i know the the mitch headberg
00:33:37thing i
00:33:37could tell it kind of bothers you that people compare you to mitch headberg so much so uh yeah
00:33:42i mean i get it have you thought about maybe moving away from it and working on trying to
00:33:46differentiate yourself a little because you really i'm almost decided your set was brilliant like
00:33:49really really really really smart jokes i'm just trying to shower and shave dude yeah yeah somehow
00:33:59we missed all three today i don't know
00:34:06bait and ruddy i'm telling you this is the future as long as that heart holds up he's gonna be
00:34:11you're you know what tony you are gay
00:34:17i like it when you say it you should you should you should call your new tour the 2026 and
00:34:23then we'll
00:34:23see tour you're gonna have a heart attack and chris is gonna come out here and fail saving your life
00:34:32hey guys lay off
00:34:35so keegan i do find it so compelling that i am gonna get back into uh this line of questioning
00:34:41that i'd imagine you hate but again it's so interesting and people you know maybe i'm playing
00:34:47devil's advocate here but have you thought because of what everyone will think every time they see you
00:34:54of maybe let's just say cutting your hair and changing your delivery or something like that have
00:34:59you thought about it what can you take us through the process of being exactly like mitch edberg you
00:35:04said delivery and payton's about to come again yeah
00:35:09you know nobody with nice hair ever tells me to cut it okay sure but seriously seriously keegan back to
00:35:19the question i hear you that's a good answer but i'm not saying to cut it i'm saying have you
00:35:25thought
00:35:25about getting away from the mitch headberg thing oh i just like to write jokes man i understand try
00:35:33that joke try one of those jokes in a like a different style yeah throw the n-word in there
00:35:49i can't do that translation
00:35:57tell me he's a funny guy
00:36:00and you're right tony i've seen interviews with you where you don't act as mitchy you act kind of more
00:36:07normal so it's kind of weird to me that you don't understand that it would be way better for your
00:36:11career if you do that why would i do something that makes people stop talking about me oh interesting
00:36:18wow okay i like this that's why i said throw the n-word in there yeah i'm trying to help
00:36:26you
00:36:28all right well keegan i gotta tell you great jokes man uh you are your own kind of thing even
00:36:35though
00:36:35you're exactly like something else but you are your own thing it is something else there's just
00:36:40no way to describe it and if i just hated on it all the time that would just be annoying
00:36:44it would
00:36:44be dismissive of the fact that you have great premises and great jokes and a whole thing going
00:36:49on for you keegan you know i i would like to have you on the secret show if you want
00:36:53look at that what a
00:36:55turn around picture's looking up for keegan carmichael you have a big jump already yep there you go
00:37:02thank you there he goes keegan carmichael dreams do come true this podcast is sponsored by super power
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00:38:36health intelligence head over to superpower.com and use code tony for 20 off your membership
00:38:42that's code tony after you sign up they'll ask you how you heard about superpower do us a favor and
00:38:46tell them tony sent you to support the show that's right go get super power hello there this podcast
00:38:52is sponsored by shopify picture this it's late at night you're scrolling through your feeds when all
00:38:56of a sudden you see it that one product you've been looking for you click on the link add to
00:39:00your
00:39:01cart maybe even shop around a little before finally hitting checkout as you're filling in your address you
00:39:04realize you don't have your credit card anywhere near you that's when you see it the purple pay button that
00:39:11has all of your information saved making checking out as simple as a simple tap of your screen
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00:40:01your one dollar per month trial today at shopify.com slash kill tony go to shopify.com slash kill tony
00:40:06that shopify.com slash kill tony shopify.com slash kill tony shopify.com slash kill tony that's right
00:40:14go to shopify.com slash kill tony right now all right we're gonna keep it moving along we're having fun
00:40:20tonight. You guys having fun? I'm having fun. Your next bucket poll goes by the
00:40:25name of Adam Meleve, everyone. Adam Meleve.
00:40:34I'm born in 2001. It was a great year for me. Not so great for lower Manhattan.
00:40:53Growing up in school, we had a kid whose birthday was on the actual 9-11-2001. So every year,
00:41:00we would have that moment of silence at the end of the day, and the class would get real
00:41:04quiet. And then the teacher would break in. Boys and girls, on this day, we must remember
00:41:11that Francesco's mom brought cupcakes. Oh my gosh, are those chocolate frosted?
00:41:18Because this is a day I will never forget.
00:41:25We actually had a twin in the class too, Francesca. The teacher would tell us,
00:41:29boys and girls, I just got word from the office that a second tray of cupcakes has hit our classroom.
00:41:34A second tray of cupcakes has hit our classroom. It's really crazy because there was another 9-11
00:41:41birthday in our school across the hall from us. There was another 9-11 birthday. A third tray
00:41:45of cupcakes hit over there. Really crazy is that classroom. Hold on. Go ahead. Now I want to hear
00:41:51the end of it. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. That classroom was Pentagon shaped, and there was
00:41:56supposed to be a fourth tray, but that one fell in the hallway on the way to the class.
00:41:59Okay, there you go. Adam Malave, everybody. An entire minute, 15 seconds about the greatest
00:42:06tragedy in American history, everybody. We thought it was Francesca's mom that brought
00:42:10in those cupcakes, but it wasn't. It was the Jews. The whole time, it was the Jews. You'd be surprised.
00:42:16On the original 9-11, that's how we also celebrated it. We had cupcakes ready.
00:42:22How did they have their cupcakes ready? Check in with Peyton Reddy down here.
00:42:26They were gelatin. Is it just me? Does this guy not look and sound exactly like Mitch Hedberg
00:42:31to you?
00:42:35Am I tweaking over here? He looks a little...
00:42:38I got heroin on the back, too, if you want.
00:42:41I love it. Yeah.
00:42:42Adam Malave, why does it sound like you have the other guy's Adam's apple stuck in your throat?
00:42:49You have a little RFK Jr. to you. What's up with your delivery?
00:42:54Uh, I don't know. I've never felt too RFK-y, you know?
00:42:58Really?
00:42:58No one's ever brought this to your attention before?
00:43:01Someone told me I sound a little like McLovin, but I've never heard RFK before.
00:43:05Am I the only one hearing the fact that he sounds like...
00:43:08Yeah.
00:43:08You got it.
00:43:08Maybe I'm a little raspy today. Sorry about that.
00:43:11You under the weather or something?
00:43:12No, no, no. Not at all.
00:43:14Oh, okay.
00:43:15But yeah, you clocked me as Jewish, so good job there.
00:43:18Are you Jewish?
00:43:18I am.
00:43:19I saw it right away. What did I say to you?
00:43:21Come on.
00:43:22He walked out and already leaned over. He goes, yeah, he's one of mine.
00:43:26Yeah.
00:43:26Yeah.
00:43:27I played for the team.
00:43:29Yeah.
00:43:30Yeah.
00:43:30Proudly.
00:43:31All right.
00:43:32Okay, Adam.
00:43:33Yeah.
00:43:33How long have you been doing stand-up?
00:43:35Seven years.
00:43:36Seven years. Where at?
00:43:38From New York.
00:43:39Right.
00:43:40I took the train here, actually.
00:43:41Okay.
00:43:42Very, very...
00:43:43It took three days, two nights to get here.
00:43:46I took Amtrak.
00:43:48You know, in Japan, they got high-speed rail.
00:43:50I feel like in America, we have the opposite.
00:43:53And I feel like they try to, like, make the train slower on purpose.
00:43:57You know, like, the conductors, they take smoke breaks at stations they like.
00:44:00You're turning more into RFK as we speak.
00:44:04Have you guys ever taken the Amtrak?
00:44:07I mean, what is with those things?
00:44:11I'm getting 420, boys.
00:44:13Smoke breaks are too long.
00:44:15I'm going to go to the snack cart.
00:44:17I'll be right back.
00:44:18Adam, what do you do for a living?
00:44:20Uh, right now, well, I used to do financial consulting, but...
00:44:23No way.
00:44:25You, a Jew in New York, finances?
00:44:28Come on.
00:44:29No.
00:44:30On the train?
00:44:31No.
00:44:34No, no.
00:44:35I actually started the Open Mic website in New York called Comedic.
00:44:38I have stickers for you guys, if you'd like.
00:44:40No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:44:42Hey, speak for yourself.
00:44:44I'm trying to build a career.
00:44:45Oh, you're in a second.
00:44:45Oh, Ari's going to resell the stickers.
00:44:49Ari's going to resell the stickers later.
00:44:51Peyton thinks they're Puck stickers.
00:44:52He made me empty my pockets.
00:44:53I'll give you after.
00:44:54You fucking tease.
00:44:56I'm sorry.
00:44:57Wait, what do I...
00:44:58I got something on.
00:44:59Okay, relax.
00:45:00No one cares about your fucking gay stickers.
00:45:02Let's keep it on the...
00:45:02I got a Kiwi.
00:45:03Wow.
00:45:05It just blows up.
00:45:09They didn't check the hoodie pocket.
00:45:10That's the one pocket they didn't check.
00:45:11Put it away.
00:45:12I'm the only fruit on this stage.
00:45:14Let's go.
00:45:15There you go.
00:45:15I can do it to myself.
00:45:16You guys eat it up.
00:45:19Fucking homos.
00:45:20All right.
00:45:21Adam, tell us more about your life.
00:45:23Tell us something interesting about you that would surprise us.
00:45:26Yeah.
00:45:27I mean, I do stand-up all over New York.
00:45:29I have a weekly show in Brooklyn.
00:45:31I started the open mic website.
00:45:32Again, you already said that.
00:45:34Okay.
00:45:34That's so fucking annoying that you just keep saying that you keep...
00:45:37You just...
00:45:37Open mic...
00:45:38No one gives a fuck about an open mic website in New York.
00:45:40That's fair.
00:45:41Can you say anything other than an open mic website in New York?
00:45:44Yeah.
00:45:45I'm about to have my 69th body party.
00:45:47What?
00:45:47My 69th body party.
00:45:49What is that?
00:45:50To celebrate my 69th body.
00:45:52Can you explain that more?
00:45:54I can't believe I have to say it.
00:45:55You've had sex with 68 men.
00:45:59I don't believe it.
00:46:01No, other way.
00:46:02No, but...
00:46:04Yeah, 69th body party.
00:46:05I'm very excited.
00:46:06Going to be at the Brooklyn Art House on May 23rd.
00:46:08You guys are all invited.
00:46:09Come by.
00:46:10Are you for real?
00:46:10Yeah.
00:46:11You're celebrating almost 70 people you've had sex with?
00:46:15Yeah.
00:46:16I'm at 70 now, but yeah.
00:46:19Okay.
00:46:20All right.
00:46:21And 15 of them are going to show up, so it's going to be nice.
00:46:23Okay.
00:46:24Wow.
00:46:25So, Adam, tell us about that.
00:46:26What are your tricks to...
00:46:27How do you trick these women?
00:46:32I mean, I'm a very, like, enthusiastic, positive person, and I listen sometimes.
00:46:37I swallowed a diamond ring earlier.
00:46:39You think you can get it out for me?
00:46:41Are you...
00:46:42I'm just looking at your eyes.
00:46:43Are you part Asian or part Newt?
00:46:44No, no, no.
00:46:46Not at all.
00:46:47People say I look like a young Mark Zuckerberg or like a Gen Z Elon Musk, but then other people
00:46:52think I just look like a bisexual Asian, so I don't know if that's...
00:46:56I think you look like Mitch Hedberg.
00:46:57I think...
00:46:59You got the Berg part, right?
00:47:01That's for sure.
00:47:02Yeah, yeah.
00:47:03I'll take that.
00:47:04Okay.
00:47:05Adam Malave from New York.
00:47:07Have you ever seen Adam before?
00:47:09You're a big New Yorker.
00:47:10I've never seen him, and I hope I never do again.
00:47:13It's the last time I will ever hear this name.
00:47:15No, you're funny, dude.
00:47:16I can tell you got chops.
00:47:17You're a funny dude.
00:47:18I really can't believe that 70 women have...
00:47:22You can say women.
00:47:23You're 24 years old.
00:47:2324, yeah.
00:47:24First of all, I wouldn't let you near my finances.
00:47:27Yeah.
00:47:28You're a child.
00:47:30Second of all, I can't believe that in just 24 years, you've been able to bed 70 women.
00:47:35That's crazy.
00:47:35I have a question.
00:47:36I have a financial question.
00:47:37Yeah.
00:47:37How much does a 70-pack of GHB cost?
00:47:44It took a second.
00:47:45I didn't know that's what GHB was for a second, but I don't know.
00:47:48It's what you put inside of the kiwi that you keep inside of your pocket.
00:47:53That would be cute.
00:47:55Can I trade you a kiwi for the joke book?
00:47:57No, I don't want your fucking kiwi.
00:47:59No?
00:47:59Here's the joke book, though.
00:48:00There you go.
00:48:00Take it.
00:48:01Woo!
00:48:01There he goes, Adam Malave, everyone.
00:48:04I'm going to keep it moving here.
00:48:06Bye!
00:48:07There he goes, Adam Malave.
00:48:09There he goes.
00:48:10All right.
00:48:10A little fist bump.
00:48:11From the fellow Jew.
00:48:13There it is.
00:48:14When they see each other out in the wild.
00:48:23How about one more time for the lovely Heidi, everybody?
00:48:29Clearing, saging the room of all those Jewy 9-11 jokes we just heard.
00:48:34All right.
00:48:34This looks like a fun name.
00:48:36Put your hands together for your next bucket pool.
00:48:38It's Royal Oats.
00:48:39Royal Oats.
00:48:47Yeah, I don't know if you can tell by looking at me and the cleavage that I'm showing right
00:48:51now, but it's a lot of muscle up under here, right?
00:48:54And you know, the first thing they say about people when they got muscles, right, is they
00:48:58on steroids.
00:49:00And I don't have a problem with steroids because steroids is cool, right?
00:49:04I have a problem with what they say about people on steroids, right?
00:49:08Like this one chick tried to come at me and she was like, I know your dick is shriveled up
00:49:13to this small because of all the steroids you use.
00:49:17And I had to correct her, right?
00:49:19I was like, first of all, bitch.
00:49:23Bitch, it's not your dick, they say.
00:49:25It's your balls, right?
00:49:28And I've never had sex with a woman when she could...
00:49:32I've never had sex with a woman and she get on the phone with a homegirl the next day
00:49:36and she's like, oh, hello?
00:49:38She's like, hello?
00:49:39She said, hey, bitch, what you doing?
00:49:40Nothing.
00:49:40What you doing?
00:49:41Nothing.
00:49:41Did you fuck Royal?
00:49:42She said, and did.
00:49:44She said, how was the dick?
00:49:45She said, the dick was good, bud.
00:49:47She said, uh-uh, bud, what, bitch?
00:49:49She said, bitch, he had small balls, right?
00:49:53I'm talking about balls so small, you could have went to Vegas and shot dice with them
00:49:58motherfuckers, okay?
00:49:59Right?
00:50:00She said, here I am being a...
00:50:02All right.
00:50:03Is there more there, Royal Oates?
00:50:04Let me finish it.
00:50:05I'll let you finish it.
00:50:06All right.
00:50:06I'm sorry, Royal.
00:50:09Sorry, Royal Oates.
00:50:10Your Honor, let me finish.
00:50:11Your Honor, please, let me finish.
00:50:12Sorry, you giant black man.
00:50:14Finish the joke.
00:50:15Let me finish it.
00:50:18She said, she said, here I am being a freaky bitch trying to get teabag and this nigga
00:50:26brought salt and pepper packages.
00:50:30That's the end of it.
00:50:31Okay, there you go, Royal Oates.
00:50:32Thank you, man.
00:50:33Hell yeah.
00:50:33Welcome, welcome.
00:50:34Appreciate it.
00:50:35I love it.
00:50:36First of all, congratulations on beating Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania.
00:50:39You're welcome.
00:50:40Second of all, well, how long you been doing stand-up?
00:50:43I've been doing it for 10 years, man.
00:50:44Where at?
00:50:45Atlanta or Florida?
00:50:46I'm from Tulsa, Oklahoma.
00:50:48Oh, wow.
00:50:48I would not have.
00:50:49I'm the only nigga there.
00:50:50Hell, I was going to say.
00:50:51You see him now.
00:50:52Exactly what I was going to say.
00:50:53Tell you what, Tony.
00:50:54Yes.
00:50:54I was going to use those exact words.
00:50:56You go ahead, tell me.
00:50:57Whatever you want.
00:50:59I want to tell another joke.
00:51:01You know what?
00:51:03I'm going to let you do it.
00:51:08Spotlight.
00:51:09Give him the spot, Kino.
00:51:11Give me the goddamn spotlight.
00:51:16Listen, white people.
00:51:18I love holidays, man.
00:51:20I really do.
00:51:21My favorite holiday would have to be, no doubt, St. Paddy's Day.
00:51:25You get to run around wearing green, pinching people on the ass, and saying Irish shit like,
00:51:31Conor McGregor, Conor McGregor.
00:51:33You know, look at me charms.
00:51:36I don't know I'm fucking racist, right?
00:51:38My second favorite holiday would have to be, no doubt, Cinco de Mayo, right?
00:51:44That's when Mexicans get together, sell cocaine, and kill each other.
00:51:47Trust me, I've seen four seasons of the Narcos.
00:51:50I know exactly how this shit works.
00:51:52The problem I have with holidays is black people don't have any cool holidays, right?
00:51:58You know, when you think about black holidays, what do we have?
00:52:01Martin Luther King Day.
00:52:02And what is Martin Luther King Day?
00:52:03A bunch of niggas running around in the cold with sweaters on with Martin Luther King face on it.
00:52:08Y'all white people don't even show up for that shit, right?
00:52:11And then our other holiday is Juneteenth.
00:52:14Like, my man, if I was to ask you what Juneteenth, what would you say?
00:52:18Niggas, that's the day they free the slaves.
00:52:21All you know is the bank is closed, okay?
00:52:25So I have a suggestion, right?
00:52:27I have a tattoo to suggest a holiday that I think that black people would love, okay?
00:52:32Right?
00:52:34Let me show y'all right now.
00:52:44OJ Day, right?
00:52:45OJ Day, right?
00:53:02Is this not fucking Kill Tony or what?
00:53:07Oh, shit.
00:53:09Could you imagine that shit?
00:53:10Niggas running around with knives, scaring white bitches half to death?
00:53:18I'm here, Kill Tony.
00:53:20All right.
00:53:20You're here.
00:53:21You're here.
00:53:22I got a lot of notes.
00:53:25I don't think it's okay to pinch people on the ass on St. Paddy's Day.
00:53:28I'm pretty sure you're committing a crime.
00:53:29I think that's the rule, ain't it?
00:53:30Where do Irish people at?
00:53:31You pinch them on the ass, they don't have green on.
00:53:34That's the fucking rule.
00:53:36That's the thing.
00:53:36You dumbass Italian.
00:53:38You don't do it in the ass, though.
00:53:39You just pinch them.
00:53:40Can I have my wallet back?
00:53:44Hold on.
00:53:45Royal, Royal, Royal.
00:53:46Please don't take anything out of the wallet, please.
00:53:48The nigga ain't got no money in there anyway.
00:53:50No, no, no.
00:53:51Okay, I'm here.
00:53:52It's tied up.
00:53:52It's a fake robbery.
00:53:54It's in savings.
00:53:55He's fully invested in Chipotle.
00:53:58All right, Royal.
00:54:00You just interrupt whatever you want.
00:54:01Perfect.
00:54:02Let me pick my jacket up.
00:54:03Yes.
00:54:04Okay.
00:54:05All right.
00:54:06Royal, if I gave you $200, would you be willing to fuck my girlfriend in front of me?
00:54:12Yes.
00:54:12As long as I can open for you the next night.
00:54:15Oh, yeah, you can.
00:54:15You can headline the show, to be honest.
00:54:18I'll open for you, Royal Oats.
00:54:21This is amazing.
00:54:22So let's talk about the OJ tattoo.
00:54:25Yeah.
00:54:26Because that really stole the show.
00:54:27You got the Bronco there, too.
00:54:28It's the knife, the Bronco.
00:54:29I brought it all together, man.
00:54:31Look at the glove.
00:54:32Look at the glove.
00:54:32He really does have the glove, the Bronco.
00:54:34I don't know if you're in on that.
00:54:36I don't know if that camera one can zoom or what we can possibly do.
00:54:39But it might be truly the most diabolical tattoo I've ever seen in my 41 years on planet Earth.
00:54:50Again, all we're looking at, all we're applauding is the tattoo.
00:54:54The body is just okay.
00:54:55But I'm sure you work hard at it.
00:54:58Trust me.
00:54:58I know.
00:54:59I stare at black, muscular men all day.
00:55:01You should come kiss OJ.
00:55:02But I'm not here, if you're wondering what I'm doing.
00:55:04You should come kiss OJ.
00:55:05Huh?
00:55:06Tony kiss OJ?
00:55:07It's not your first time kissing a black guy, right?
00:55:10Chill the fuck out.
00:55:11I'm taking back over here.
00:55:12How long have you been doing stand-up?
00:55:14Ten years.
00:55:14Ten years.
00:55:15What do you do for work, exactly?
00:55:17I mostly try to post my dick on OnlyFans, hoping a bunch of gay dudes subscribe.
00:55:21Uh-huh.
00:55:22But how do you make money?
00:55:23I do Uber.
00:55:24I do Uber.
00:55:25Okay.
00:55:26Yeah.
00:55:26Have you ever thought about combining those two things?
00:55:32Uber.
00:55:33You're on the sum there.
00:55:33I like that.
00:55:34You say you do Uber, but from the looks of you, it looks like you do Lyft.
00:55:37Yeah, I love the Lyft, man.
00:55:39Very good.
00:55:39I love the Lyft.
00:55:40Positive, positive joke.
00:55:41I won't leave it hanging.
00:55:42There you go.
00:55:43All right.
00:55:44So you do Uber and Uber Eats?
00:55:46Do you do all the Ubers?
00:55:47Just Uber.
00:55:48I don't really care for you.
00:55:49What kind of car do you have?
00:55:49What are you picking people up in?
00:55:51I got it.
00:55:51I got one of those electronic Ubers.
00:55:53I was going to guess you're a piggyback Uber driver.
00:55:56No.
00:55:56All different types, where you order an Uber and they give you a piggyback ride.
00:56:02Okie dokie.
00:56:03You know what they say, Tony.
00:56:05If the joke doesn't hit, you must acquit.
00:56:07That's what they say.
00:56:08That's true.
00:56:11If I had a wallet, I'd give it to you for that one.
00:56:17All right.
00:56:17Royal Oats.
00:56:19An incredible, you took a real stab at it here tonight.
00:56:24What else would surprise us about your life, Royal Oats?
00:56:27Everything about my life is crazy.
00:56:29What kind of women are you into?
00:56:30How big of white women are you into, except?
00:56:34Size depends on the woman, you know?
00:56:36If we put a wig on Peyton right now, how hard...
00:56:40I can get a bad bitch.
00:56:42Uh-huh.
00:56:43I can still get a bad bitch.
00:56:44I got a little left in me.
00:56:46Right.
00:56:46But what do you settle for, is what I want to know.
00:56:50I don't know, man.
00:56:51It's depending on what time of night it is.
00:56:52That's right.
00:56:53You know?
00:56:54I like that.
00:56:55Hell yeah.
00:56:56If I had one critique...
00:57:00of your act, it's just like...
00:57:03the premise of the...
00:57:06that having small balls is bad.
00:57:09I didn't care for it.
00:57:14I think having small balls is some of the most powerful things you can have.
00:57:17Would you rather suck big ones?
00:57:18No, but I'd rather have big ones, and...
00:57:22Or just huge balls.
00:57:24Big balls ought to get in the way of big dick.
00:57:26Crazy balls.
00:57:27It sounds like extra work for a woman.
00:57:29I can't believe I'm about to say this, but enough talk about balls and dick up here.
00:57:33How many times have you been pulled over in Tulsa, Oklahoma?
00:57:37Oh, my God.
00:57:38183 times.
00:57:39When they pull you over, do they go, I thought we got them all?
00:57:44Yeah, this tattoo...
00:57:45This tattoo is...
00:57:46It's actually you handing the cops your license and...
00:57:53Does it really happen a lot?
00:57:54I'll kick your ass for that.
00:57:55No.
00:57:58Does it really happen a lot?
00:57:59Do you get pulled over a lot in Tulsa?
00:58:00Not as much as I used to when I was younger.
00:58:02Right.
00:58:03Yeah.
00:58:04Have you been arrested before?
00:58:06Of course.
00:58:06Of course.
00:58:07For what?
00:58:08Well, at one point in my life, I was doing life without in prison.
00:58:13Whoa.
00:58:13Tell us more about this.
00:58:15So I got life without for a drug trafficking case, and the police end up being like a dirty cop.
00:58:22So the shit ended up going back to trial, and they ended up giving me a plea deal that I
00:58:26took,
00:58:26and I was able to get out of prison again.
00:58:28Wow.
00:58:29Did you really commit the crime, or...?
00:58:31Yeah, I was definitely selling to jail.
00:58:37Got me.
00:58:38They got me there.
00:58:39I'd like to see it.
00:58:40Man, I know.
00:58:41Dude, life without parole, that was some crazy drug.
00:58:44Well, they offered me life, and they was like, either you take the life and do life 15 years,
00:58:48or we take it to trial.
00:58:49I was like, you know, if I'm going to waste 15 years, I might as well just take it to
00:58:53trial,
00:58:53and it worked out in my behalf by taking it.
00:58:55Yeah, you saw the OJ trial.
00:58:56He was like, I got this.
00:58:59They're going to be on my side.
00:59:01Check in with R.E.
00:59:02You know you're in the criminal justice system when you shorten it to life without.
00:59:06Yeah.
00:59:07Straight up.
00:59:08I was meant to be here.
00:59:10I was meant to be here, man.
00:59:11Amazing.
00:59:12So when you, how long were you in there when you got word that the prosecutor was dirty?
00:59:18I knew all the, not the prosecutor, it was a dirty cop.
00:59:21Sure.
00:59:22Oh, that's what I, sure.
00:59:23Go ahead.
00:59:23So I knew all the time that he was a dirty cop.
00:59:25Right.
00:59:25But it was like three years before they actually took him to trial.
00:59:28Oh, amazing.
00:59:29Peyton Roddy.
00:59:30One man great today gotta be great.
00:59:36I had nothing on that one.
00:59:40Royal Oates.
00:59:41I mean, the set was just okay, but I love your interview.
00:59:45You missed it out on some things.
00:59:47Oh, you want to do more?
00:59:49I'm just kidding.
00:59:50I'm not giving you more.
00:59:50No, no, no.
00:59:51I want you to know, like, I don't know if you ever seen me, like, I was viral on the
00:59:56internet
00:59:56for, I had a fight at a comedy show where a dude ended up getting, I ended up hitting
01:00:01a dude with a microphone.
01:00:02Oh, shit.
01:00:03Yeah, like, like, it was like really crazy, man.
01:00:05Big fight.
01:00:06Wow.
01:00:07You hit a comic with a microphone?
01:00:08No, I hit a fan.
01:00:09I hit like a crowd guy.
01:00:10He came up to the stage.
01:00:11What exactly happened?
01:00:12You can look it up.
01:00:13It's like, it's like.
01:00:13I believe it.
01:00:14We're not going to look it up right now.
01:00:15What, what, can you describe it?
01:00:17You have a microphone.
01:00:18You're a professional.
01:00:18I had a microphone and I'm telling jokes, right?
01:00:21And I hear a guy booing, right?
01:00:23So I look in the, I look out on the stage like, okay, well, you're booing.
01:00:26I can roast, right?
01:00:28So when I look at him, I'm like, oh, you look like Jaheim 2001 put that woman first outfit
01:00:33on, right?
01:00:34So I'm thinking he's going to come back with another roast.
01:00:36He was like, nigga, you gay.
01:00:37And I was like.
01:00:38It sucks, doesn't it?
01:00:39When that happens.
01:00:41And the crowd fucking goes crazy.
01:00:42See?
01:00:44It's a, it's a loophole in the system.
01:00:48And I'm sick of it.
01:00:50That happens to you too?
01:00:52It did.
01:00:52It did.
01:00:53You know what?
01:00:54You and I should have dinner and talk about this.
01:00:56That's good.
01:00:56Get out of here, Royal Oaks.
01:00:58Great appearance.
01:00:59Great interview.
01:01:00Great tattoo.
01:01:01We love his tattoo.
01:01:04It's a great tattoo.
01:01:06Very funny.
01:01:08All right.
01:01:09This is a fucking hootenanny of a show.
01:01:11I love it.
01:01:11Oh my goodness gracious.
01:01:16Every time Heidi leans over Ari, he gets a full two and a half inches erect.
01:01:21Son of a bitch.
01:01:22You know I did that.
01:01:23You know I did that.
01:01:25All right.
01:01:26One word name your next fucking fool.
01:01:28Our first one word name of the night.
01:01:29Always interesting, these one word names.
01:01:32Make some noise for Sir Jan, everybody.
01:01:34Sir Jan.
01:01:41So my name is Sir Jan.
01:01:43I don't know if you guys can tell by looking at me, but my parents are brown immigrants.
01:01:48And my mom, she wanted me to be a doctor so bad, she named me Sir Jan.
01:01:53It's fucked up.
01:01:54I know.
01:01:54So much pressure.
01:01:55Imagine being named after a job.
01:01:56But my name's kind of cool.
01:01:57My siblings, they got it so much worse.
01:01:59My older brother, his name is Engineer.
01:02:02Yeah, and he grew up to be an engineer because he's a suck up.
01:02:05But my little sister, she has the worst name.
01:02:07I feel so bad for her.
01:02:08They didn't really believe in her that much.
01:02:10So they named her Abortion.
01:02:14Just to get real for a second, I don't know if you guys are still doing your New Year's
01:02:17resolution, but as of today, I'm officially four months sober.
01:02:22It's been four months since I last said the N-word.
01:02:26Yeah.
01:02:26Staying strong.
01:02:27Staying strong.
01:02:28And for my last joke, I need you guys to play along with me.
01:02:30You know how this goes.
01:02:31Knock, knock.
01:02:33My cat.
01:02:35Leo.
01:02:41Oh, I was hoping I was at a minute, but I didn't get it.
01:02:44Wow.
01:02:45I sped through it.
01:02:47I sped through it.
01:02:47Oh.
01:02:48There you go.
01:02:48We were close, though.
01:02:49What's up, Leo?
01:02:50I mean, like, I think that was a Mitch Hedberg joke anyway.
01:02:54I think he did.
01:02:55I think.
01:02:56Mike and Leo.
01:02:58He was in the curry.
01:02:59What is the difference between, like, Royal Oates, who's like a real man, and how much he
01:03:03came through the microphone?
01:03:04And every other comic tent, I was like, I'm so angry.
01:03:07Yeah.
01:03:09It's been four months since you said the N-word, but be honest.
01:03:12When Royal Oates just walked off by you with his jacket completely unzipped, you definitely
01:03:17thought about it.
01:03:17Am I right?
01:03:18After you walked away.
01:03:19Right.
01:03:19Yeah, exactly.
01:03:20You don't want him reading your mind.
01:03:22Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:03:23I'm staying sober.
01:03:24Yeah.
01:03:24Sir John, how much time did you prepare your eyebrows for tonight?
01:03:3125 years.
01:03:33Is that how old you are?
01:03:34Yes, sir.
01:03:3525.
01:03:35How long have you been doing stand-up?
01:03:37Two and a half years.
01:03:37Where at?
01:03:38Dallas.
01:03:39That's where you live?
01:03:40That's where I'm from.
01:03:40That's where you were born and raised?
01:03:41I was born in Nepal, but I came to America when I was six years old.
01:03:44Well, that set was Nepal-ing.
01:03:48Hell yeah.
01:03:49Damn.
01:03:50Sorry.
01:03:50I thought it was good.
01:03:52I thought Tony would like it.
01:03:53I'm sorry.
01:03:55I will say, dude, if that cat thing hit, it would have been a standing fucking ovation
01:03:59in here.
01:04:00That would have been the most brilliant moment in Kill Tony history, but it was eight seconds
01:04:04of us staring at you.
01:04:05How are you planning on timing that?
01:04:07Guessing what 60 full seconds is while you're talking.
01:04:10It's a lunatic move.
01:04:12There's no way you'd get that.
01:04:14I've done it many times at comedy clubs in Dallas.
01:04:16There's 100 videos on my phone.
01:04:18Exactly a minute.
01:04:18I think I was...
01:04:19And they have a cat sound at this comedy club?
01:04:22I do it.
01:04:23You've practiced that 100 times.
01:04:25And after 96 times on your phone, you're like, I need more videos.
01:04:29I have two terabytes storage, so I can just keep recording.
01:04:33But yeah.
01:04:33Wow.
01:04:34Bragger.
01:04:34I love how you were like, all right.
01:04:38I love how you're like, all right, how can I land this plane?
01:04:42A knock-knock joke.
01:04:45It's one of the most traditional forms of jokes, and I love jokes.
01:04:48Yeah, back in 1932, maybe.
01:04:51Are you explaining to us a knock-knock joke right now?
01:04:54Well, it's one of the oldest forms of jokes.
01:04:55Why did the chicken cross the road?
01:04:57To get the fuck away from your scent.
01:05:00Okay.
01:05:02It crossed the road to get to his cat, Leo.
01:05:08My cat would eat up that chicken.
01:05:10Do you really have a cat named Leo?
01:05:11I do.
01:05:12So, surgeon, what type of brown are you exactly?
01:05:14I'm from Nepal.
01:05:16So you are Nepalese.
01:05:17Nepalese, exactly.
01:05:18Both parents are?
01:05:20Both parents, yeah.
01:05:20What made them move to Dallas?
01:05:22So we got the diversity lottery.
01:05:23Shout out to my mom.
01:05:24The diversity lottery?
01:05:26Yeah.
01:05:26What?
01:05:26Wow.
01:05:27They were white until then?
01:05:30So, so...
01:05:31It's like a Powerball or something?
01:05:33I think it was Reagan or Carter.
01:05:35They had this policy where 50,000 people from around the world, Nepal, was selected around
01:05:38that time.
01:05:39Talk slower and into the tip of the microphone.
01:05:41Sorry.
01:05:42The other thing...
01:05:43I need something wrong.
01:05:44What the fuck is going on over there?
01:05:45Sorry.
01:05:46You're on the show right now.
01:05:48Yes.
01:05:48Okay.
01:05:49So, my mom won the lottery in 2006 when there was a civil war happening in Nepal.
01:05:53And then luckily, I was from a village, literally grew up, like, taking a shower in the same
01:05:58river that my grandfather did.
01:06:00And...
01:06:00Taking a shower in the same river?
01:06:02Like, as kids, we had, like, a little, like...
01:06:04Pump?
01:06:05Pump thingy, but we would take showers in the river.
01:06:07You didn't just jump in?
01:06:08I mean, it was, like, for fun and stuff as a kid.
01:06:11Oh.
01:06:11Yes.
01:06:12Yeah?
01:06:12There you go.
01:06:13Thank you, Ari.
01:06:13Yes.
01:06:14Welcome back.
01:06:15Very rare for a Jew to help a brown guy in any way.
01:06:18My favorite Jew.
01:06:20That's right.
01:06:22Sir John, go ahead.
01:06:23So, you were showering in a river with a water pump.
01:06:25This is incredible.
01:06:26That's how, by the way, that's how Peyton gets, uh, sputter on his, uh, toast in the
01:06:30morning.
01:06:31All right.
01:06:32That sucked.
01:06:34Hey, why did the chicken cross the road?
01:06:37To get into your rotisserie?
01:06:39You were falling from the lake.
01:06:40It's kind of sick.
01:06:42You ruined my setup!
01:06:46Sir John, go ahead.
01:06:48So, yeah, I was born in a village, like, literally in Gitanagar village.
01:06:51And then I came to America when I was six years old.
01:06:54I rode a car and a plane within the first time, within the same week, right?
01:06:58Um, I came to America in Dallas, Texas.
01:07:01I lived in Irving, and then now I live in Uless.
01:07:03Um, but, I mean, I, my first job was water burger.
01:07:06I feel like I'm a Texan, even though I'm an immigrant, right?
01:07:08I feel like America, like, immigrant, is land of immigrants.
01:07:12And I feel like I'm very Texan, even though I was born in the home.
01:07:15This audience hates this.
01:07:16They're like, fuck you, dude.
01:07:17Am I, am I?
01:07:18We're building momentum.
01:07:20We're building, we're building, Lewis refuses to let anything build.
01:07:22He's from the Legion of Skanks, where they interrupt each other every five seconds for no fucking reason.
01:07:27Can I take my jacket off?
01:07:28Doesn't make any sense.
01:07:29Can I take my jacket off?
01:07:29You want to take your jacket?
01:07:30What are you going to sweat?
01:07:31What are you sweating?
01:07:31No, I don't sweat.
01:07:32I actually, brown people...
01:07:34Tell me you have an OJ tattoo.
01:07:35No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I...
01:07:37This guy's got a 9-11 tattoo, 100%.
01:07:40I'm wearing deodorant.
01:07:41Okay, go ahead.
01:07:42Whatever you're doing, go ahead.
01:07:43Okay.
01:07:44The arms are less hairy than anybody would have expected.
01:07:47My chest.
01:07:48I have the hair on my chest.
01:07:49Oh, there it is, yeah.
01:07:51Jesus fucking Christ.
01:07:52Wait, now that you got the jacket off, you're feeling yourself a bit, do the knock-knock joke
01:07:55again.
01:07:57Can I?
01:07:59No, I'm sorry.
01:08:01Can I just come back out and cut this?
01:08:03I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.
01:08:04Text the best.
01:08:05All right, Sir John.
01:08:07So, you said your first job was at Whataburger.
01:08:09What exactly is your job now?
01:08:10Um, I work as a solutions architect for an IT company, so I just help find customers find
01:08:15problems to technical, like, find solutions to technical problems.
01:08:19Yes.
01:08:19Ari Shafir.
01:08:20That's such a build-up from Whataburger to that.
01:08:23I mean, I've had a lot of jobs.
01:08:26Like, I always work.
01:08:27I grew up, um, like, you know, wanting money, so I always worked, and, um, I started my
01:08:32way up, and, you know, I'm, I'm, uh, I mean, hopefully one day I can be a worker, I can
01:08:39work here.
01:08:40Where exactly?
01:08:41Like, right here.
01:08:42You want to fix the neons or something?
01:08:43What are you pointing at?
01:08:44I, I can find a solution for that, too, if you need, but I want to be on this stage.
01:08:48I've never done comedy in front of this many people.
01:08:50It's amazing.
01:08:51Good for you, dude.
01:08:52Shout out to Austin on 420, and I was, I came today, I, um, I signed up, this is my
01:08:5815th time signing up.
01:09:00Yeah.
01:09:00I signed up once a month, uh, every month last year, and I kind of, like, stopped coming
01:09:04this year, but it was 420 on a Monday, I was like, my driver's license has a 420 on
01:09:09it, I gotta come.
01:09:10What has a 420 on it?
01:09:12My driver's license has a 4, starts with 420 and ends with 69, so I think I'm born to
01:09:16be a comedian.
01:09:17I swear to God, I'll bring it out, I swear to all my Hindu gods, I'll bring it out, yeah.
01:09:23I like your style, man, you're so genuine, and you're kind of, like, a sweet boy, it's
01:09:28incredible, right?
01:09:30It's like, you know, I'm just happy to have the opportunity, I started at a Whataburger,
01:09:34worked my way up, I took a car and a train or whatever to get here.
01:09:37Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:09:38He's kind of like you, Tony, if he's brown, but had no confidence.
01:09:41Yeah.
01:09:43Amazing.
01:09:44Sir John, what's your love life like?
01:09:46Um, I've been in...
01:09:47Do your parents only allow you to date Nepalese girls?
01:09:49They did.
01:09:50Who have you been promised to?
01:09:52They thought they wanted that, and then, I mean, I started dating this girl in high
01:09:56school, my girlfriend, high school sweetheart, we've been dating for eight years.
01:09:58Wow.
01:09:59So we've been still together, and my parents love her more than me, probably.
01:10:02It's a white girl?
01:10:03No, she's Indian.
01:10:04So, like, I just went south the border, I was, like, close enough.
01:10:07That's as close as it'll get up in Dallas.
01:10:09Yeah, I mean, Nepalese girls are probably all my cousins anyways, I was like, let me get
01:10:12a little bit less incest going, you know?
01:10:14Yeah.
01:10:15Amazing.
01:10:15I want to know what that sex smells like.
01:10:17It smells great.
01:10:19Nepalese and Indian sex?
01:10:20Oh, my God, I can't even imagine.
01:10:22If you want to join us, like, yeah.
01:10:27Now, what are your...
01:10:28What are your...
01:10:30Good job, Red Bam.
01:10:32Very good.
01:10:32That was good.
01:10:33That is correct.
01:10:37What do your parents think about you doing stand-up comedy?
01:10:41Um, they were iffy about it, and they were like, I mean, like, you have, like, good job.
01:10:46Why are you going out Wednesday at 10 p.m. to go to do an open mic?
01:10:51But, um, I mean, they support it.
01:10:53They think it's like a...
01:10:54They don't really understand what it is, and they don't understand, like, what I really want.
01:10:58Like, this dream that I have, but one day they'll understand.
01:11:02And I'll show them.
01:11:03But in the beginning, it was rough, and now you're...
01:11:06Even still today, my mom's like, why are you driving through...
01:11:09I live in Dallas.
01:11:10I drove here.
01:11:10So, why are you driving in the rain?
01:11:11But, I mean, now she's going to see.
01:11:14In three weeks, I'm going to be on Kill Tony.
01:11:15She's going to see you're so deep into it.
01:11:17So deep is also the name of your brother.
01:11:21My brother's name is Nurgent.
01:11:23And he's actually...
01:11:24My brother's name is Nurgent.
01:11:25I'm Surgeon.
01:11:26He's Lurgent, and you're Surgeon?
01:11:27Nurgent.
01:11:28What is your mom?
01:11:29Dr. Seuss?
01:11:32He actually is a doctor.
01:11:35Yeah, it's one fish, two fish, brown fish, brown fish, you know?
01:11:41I love fish.
01:11:44Surgeon, keep doing the work, man.
01:11:46Work hard.
01:11:47Dallas has a lot of places you can get up.
01:11:49Go to all the clubs.
01:11:50Keep working.
01:11:51Do it.
01:11:51Chase your dreams, buddy.
01:11:53Yep, there you go.
01:11:54Happy 420.
01:11:55There you go, Surgeon.
01:11:55Have a great show.
01:11:58He's such a positive guy.
01:12:00Yeah, he really is.
01:12:02Good job, buddy.
01:12:02Especially for one of the brown people, you know what I mean?
01:12:05He's like the nicest terrorist we've ever had on this show.
01:12:10Speaking of immigrants,
01:12:12that are living their dreams,
01:12:13this guy won a golden ticket a couple months ago.
01:12:16He is very funny,
01:12:18and we're going to see him right now.
01:12:20Ladies and gentlemen,
01:12:21this is the return,
01:12:22the third ever appearance, I do believe,
01:12:24of Orhun Tamora, everybody.
01:12:27Here he comes.
01:12:35This comedy bit is going to lose its potency after a black guy,
01:12:39but I love fat girl so much.
01:12:42You
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