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00:27To be continued...
00:42And on the day fourth-form pupils begin studying for their new GCSE exams,
00:48we put a group of Cotchester shopkeepers through their paces to see how much they can remember
00:53from their O-level maths.
00:56Meanwhile, here at Carinium, we are buzzing with excitement for our new live show, Declan.
01:04Declan's first guest will be Hollywood hellraiser Johnny Friedlander,
01:09one of the cinema's brightest stars.
01:11In his first interview since being the unfortunate victim of a sex tape scandal two years ago,
01:17the reclusive star is on his way to Carinium Studios as we speak.
01:23Can Declan O'Hara coax him out of his shell?
01:27And what about those James Bond rumours?
01:31That's Declan, live tonight at eight o'clock, with his very first interview here at Carinium,
01:38right after Coronation Street.
01:40I'll definitely be tuning in.
01:58Run!
01:59Run!
01:59Run!
01:59Run!
02:02Run!
02:02Run!
02:03Run!
02:03Run!
02:03Run!
02:03Run!
02:03Run!
02:05Run!
02:06Run!
02:06Run!
02:06Run!
02:07Run!
02:08Run!
02:10Run!
02:12Run!
02:13Let's go.
02:50Let's go.
03:30Let's go.
03:36Let's go.
03:37Let's go.
03:38Let's go.
03:40Mr. Friedlander, welcome to Carinium.
03:43Please, call me Johnny.
03:45Tony Battingham, please come on through.
03:57Your first live audience.
03:59You're not going to wear those socks on the program.
04:01We'll get this right, Georgie.
04:03No one will be looking at me feet.
04:17Good luck, Dick.
04:24Thanks.
04:25Big night, ladies.
04:38Hi, sir.
04:39Showtime, everyone.
04:40Sure is.
04:46So, Paddy and Mick are walking to the pub and they spot a sign saying, tree fellas wanted.
04:51So, Paddy turns to Mick and he says, well, it's dead ashamed there's only the two of us.
04:55You know, I can hear you, Brian.
04:57You don't tell jokes about Jews or blacks anymore, so why are you picking on the Irish?
05:01Okay, mate.
05:02Can we get some level?
05:03Cut the fucking Paddy jokes or I'll knock you from here to the Irish Sea.
05:06Is that level enough for you?
05:08Yeah.
05:08Loud and clear.
05:09Sorry, Declan.
05:12Karen, are you there?
05:14What am I supposed to do with the cards?
05:17We talked about this.
05:18Declan O'Hara doesn't hide behind a desk.
05:21If you'd let me see the questions, I could have fed them to you.
05:26Just trust me, will you?
05:32Where's Johnny?
05:34Houston, do we have a problem?
05:35No.
05:40Declan's a journalist of international stature, so the fact that he left the BBC for us.
05:45It's all very impressive, Lord B.
05:48Of course, it's the wife who's the TV viewer around our end.
05:51Well, it's documentaries mostly, but I do find Dallas a guilty pleasure.
05:55Well, who doesn't love Dallas?
05:58Hi.
05:58Hi.
05:59Thanks for sneaking me in.
06:00Some of our new programs can give JR a run for his money.
06:03Have you seen Four Men Went to Moe?
06:05Well, the goose is here.
06:06Excuse me a minute.
06:08You sit.
06:08Betty Gosling, so good of you to come.
06:11Do you know the Reverend Penny, my deputy on the Franchise Renewal Committee?
06:15Of course.
06:16Welcome.
06:16Well, looking forward to some scrupulous broadcast journalism tonight.
06:20I was just remarking, what with there being a set in every living room these days, television
06:25companies must recognize that they are the custodians of the nation's morality.
06:45I'm working.
06:51I'm working.
06:52Showtime, Mr. Freelander.
07:01That's Four Men Went to Moe, Wednesday night, nine o'clock.
07:05Oh, lovely.
07:07That's a very nice line.
07:09How long have we got?
07:10Yeah, yes, that's all you make of it.
07:12I'll get it.
07:17I think we've just found our fox.
07:23Doug.
07:23Doug, it's him.
07:25Oh, my God.
07:25This isn't daring me.
07:30Hello, Rupert.
07:31Where's he, darling?
07:32We were just passing.
07:33Successful day?
07:34Well, little fucker gave us the slip.
07:37Funt us interrupt us.
07:39Sorry.
07:40Hello, my name's Caitlin.
07:41How are you?
07:45Sit, bunny girl.
07:48Look like you found the holy grail.
07:50It is okay, Declan.
07:52The eagle has landed.
08:02Can we have some level, please?
08:03What did you have for breakfast, Johnny?
08:05Want to give me a rest?
08:07Declan looks nervous.
08:08He cut me dead earlier.
08:10It's awfully uncool to get so uptight.
08:11Shut the fuck up or get the fuck out.
08:15Run music.
08:17Five.
08:20Four.
08:22Three.
08:25Two.
08:27One.
08:28And in.
08:31Four.
08:34Four.
08:35Four.
08:36Four.
08:36Four.
08:38Four.
08:40Why aren't you in the audience, Maud?
08:41Daddy gets too nervous if Mommy's there.
08:43Isn't it daft?
08:44It's pretty clear to what you think more than anyone in the world.
08:47Aw.
08:47It means I miss a lot of parties.
08:50Good evening.
08:51I'm Declan O'Hara.
08:52My guest tonight is one of the world's most recognisable stars.
08:55He's the star of box office smashes such as Last Man on Mars, Highway 12 and Dog Tag 3, Voyage
09:02to Vietnam, to name just a few.
09:03He's been nominated for numerous awards, but in recent years it's his turbulent personal life.
09:08And, of course, finding himself the victim of a cruel honey trap, which has attracted almost as much attention as
09:14his films.
09:14Johnny Friedlander, welcome to the show.
09:16What's it like seeing your ex-partner in grime, Rude?
09:19You know Johnny Friedlander?
09:20Well, shared a few lovers back in the day.
09:23Yeah.
09:24Not silly enough to let anyone film me having sex, though.
09:27What a crowd.
09:27People are excited to see you.
09:29Well, I've got to say that's nice.
09:30It's been a while since I've done one of these.
09:32So I do this interview now.
09:34Yeah, okay.
09:35Well, I feel it's time to move on.
09:38That's what we're here for.
09:39Now, Johnny, your last film was mired in controversy.
09:44There were stories that you were late to set, you picked fights with the director, you passed out of the
09:48wheel while driving under the influence.
09:49See, nobody prepares you for fame.
09:51You don't know how you're going to react to being given the keys to the candy store.
09:55It turns out that I react by overdosing on candy.
09:59You're doing well, don't you think?
10:01Absolutely.
10:02Not sure about the sobs.
10:05Yep.
10:05All right, Sally, we're reading.
10:09Jesus Christ, he signed up on those.
10:11It would be a comedy.
10:15And what was it like when you drove off that bridge?
10:22Well, I woke up the second I hit the water, but man, it was scary.
10:26Thank God I was in a convertible or...
10:29I'd be at the bottom of the river now.
10:31But yeah, I had to get sober.
10:34415 days later, the world looks more beautiful than ever.
10:50Now, shall we talk about the sex tape?
10:54Why not?
10:55The elephant's in the room already, crapping in the corner.
10:59Is the girl okay?
11:01Miss, uh, Miss Cortez?
11:04Hell, I don't know.
11:05You don't see her?
11:06Uh, none of my Christmas card lists don't.
11:08But she is, uh, she's an actress, right?
11:11I don't know, uh, we met in a bar.
11:14Hope she got a lot of money out of the whole thing.
11:17Is $5,000 a lot of money?
11:20According to Miss Cortez, that's how much you paid her to have sex with you and then take the tape
11:23to the National Enquirer.
11:25What?
11:27Oh, fuck.
11:55You said you were the victim.
11:57But you didn't.
11:58The world would have believed you.
12:01But your silence demolished her.
12:03Your stock shot up overnight while Pia Cortez lost her apartment.
12:08$5,000 for a woman's reputation.
12:10Is that a fair price?
12:11What reputation?
12:12She was a porn actress.
12:14I paid her to make a porno.
12:29Fuck.
12:30We've lost him.
12:31He's gonna walk out.
12:45Oh, man, I'm an ass.
12:48What did you do?
12:51Tell two to hold on Johnny.
12:54Stay on Johnny.
12:55Now, move in.
12:57Slowly, slowly.
13:00Slowly.
13:01We can get S on the BBC.
13:04Get me the sweat beating on his brow.
13:06This is the one.
13:07I'd had four flops in a row and I'm scared.
13:13It's the worst thing about Hollywood is when you're out.
13:16All you can think about is how to get back in.
13:20What a mess.
13:24The worst part is...
13:28I really like that girl.
13:31I thought she had something.
13:33What would you say to her?
13:36If she was here?
13:37Yeah, she's an L.A. man.
13:39No.
13:40She might see it.
13:41You never know.
13:46Okay.
13:48Um, sure.
13:56Tia.
13:59If you're watching,
14:01I'm sorry.
14:03I'm an ass.
14:05We buy you a drink.
14:07Or a car.
14:10Whatever you want.
14:12I'm sorry.
14:22Man, I've been sitting on that seat for too long.
14:25Feel good to get it off your chest.
14:28God, the water here.
14:30Tastes good.
14:32Can I get another?
14:34Join us again after the break when I'll be asking Johnny about James Bond.
14:38Don't go away.
14:40Come on, we're clear.
14:43Okay, stand by, everyone.
14:45Three minutes.
14:46You know, that was more stressful than I expected.
14:48Daddy always goes in for the kill.
14:51He really is a master at this, your deck.
14:53I mean, is that erotic, doing a video?
14:56Well, I think it is if you've made it for each other, or you watch it when they're away.
15:01All watch together, it's a warm-up.
15:04Yeah, it can be pretty hot.
15:05With the right co-star.
15:07Can't imagine James wanting to make a sex video with me.
15:10The camera puts pounds on you, and he already thinks I'm fat.
15:14Well, he's bad.
15:15Yeah.
15:16You're exquisite.
15:20Sandwich?
15:20Anyone?
15:21Yeah, I'm starving.
15:23Oh, my God, you made this, Dougie.
15:26Ambrosial.
15:27Please, please tell me you'll come and work for me.
15:29Caitlin, go and fetch another one of these for me, please.
15:31No, I tried working in a restaurant.
15:33It was just, er, it was too hectic.
15:35Well, you could do people's dinner parties and things.
15:38A private chef.
15:39I bet you'd get bookings.
15:41I could put a word around, if you like.
15:42Caitlin!
15:43Oh, Daddy's back.
15:52Here it is.
15:53Your closet, sir.
16:05Put something against that.
16:06Do you think Johnny Friedlander barricades the door?
16:12The guy, he had the most stupid walk.
16:17Did I tell you what Cubby Broccoli said when my people called up and suggested me?
16:21He said he'd sooner have James Bond played by a woman.
16:28Ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Friedlander!
16:42Johnny Friedlander, who told you a story.
16:45It's all you believe in.
16:46Johnny Friedlander!
16:48Johnny Friedlander!
16:51Johnny Barber, that's a good job.
16:53Johnny, you should have fueled our company.
16:56This is Ginger Banes.
16:57The bastard spiked Johnny's dressing room.
17:00Gave him a bottle of vodka.
17:01Oh, no, I did that.
17:02What?
17:04Why didn't you tell me?
17:06We needed your first show to be jaw-dropping television.
17:08No way was I leaving that to chance.
17:10And you didn't tell me you were going to skewer the guy live on air.
17:13You don't think he fucks your producer or not to know that?
17:15We didn't need to push him off the wagon.
17:17I didn't need help.
17:18Yeah, you didn't need a desk either, did you?
17:22Hi, this is Esther McLeod.
17:23Hi, hi.
17:24This is Lady Gosling.
17:26Hey, how you doing?
17:27Hello.
17:28Freddie Jones.
17:28Hey, how you doing?
17:29His lovely wife.
17:30Hey, how you doing?
17:31Jones Oroko.
17:32Hi, how you doing?
17:33This is the backroom boys.
17:35This is Sam.
17:35Hey, how you doing?
17:35Daisy.
17:36Hey, how you doing?
17:37This is Deirdre.
17:38Hey, how you doing?
17:46At least he didn't film you.
17:49He's a mug.
17:50He looked like a Charlie's angel.
17:54Thanks, Seb.
17:55That's nice.
17:57He's very good, isn't he?
17:59Like the new jewel in Carindyos Crown.
18:02Extraordinary song.
18:03Oh, yeah.
18:04He has so much character.
18:05He's a breath of fresh air.
18:07It's such a shame that you couldn't get Campbell Black onto the board.
18:11Wow.
18:12Is Freddie Jones in the bag?
18:13Oh, very much so.
18:14Very much so.
18:15They're much more used to us.
18:17His expertise in technology, business, the real world.
18:21But I've got to say, Declan's got some brass.
18:24I thought Johnny was going to lamp him one.
18:26How do you keep it together?
18:27All that going on?
18:28Can I tell you a secret?
18:30That was my first time taking the show out live.
18:33Did you like it?
18:34Oh, my God.
18:35The adrenaline.
18:36Yes, I loved it.
18:37But please don't ask me any specifics.
18:39It's a blur.
18:39Met Cameron, then.
18:41You need people that can deliver under pressure, don't you?
18:44Diamonds.
18:45Couldn't agree more.
18:46That's why we're courting you for the board.
18:51You're getting the fuck of a lifetime tonight.
18:55Yeah.
19:09Isn't that crazy?
19:11And then the man started turning up at the house.
19:14I know.
19:14And he was so in love with Mummy.
19:16But then Daddy found out about it.
19:18And that wasn't funny at all.
19:21Caitlin.
19:22Anyway, that's the real reason why we moved out of London.
19:26Daddy's new job came just at the right time.
19:44Mrs. Thatcher tells me if I want to succeed in politics, I have to keep my nose clean.
19:48No more cunnilingus, then.
19:51Maud's got a thumping crush on you.
19:54Declan looks strong.
19:56I'd watch yourself.
19:59Darling, you know I love you to beards.
20:03You never tell me what to do.
20:32You never tell me like you know.
20:48I must be exhausted.
20:51How did I do?
20:53You were wonderful.
21:17Christ, you're wet.
21:20I've been thinking about you coming home all evening.
21:37Oh, what is it?
21:39Everything all right?
21:42Shitting awful evening, actually.
21:43Oh, I'm sorry.
21:45You should have come with me to watch a new Declan show.
21:50It was...
21:51brilliant.
21:59You might be a little more supportive, Lizzie.
22:15I mean, it's only my first date boarding school.
22:17It's not like it's momentous or anything, is it?
22:18I'm sorry I can't drive you there.
22:20You know Daddy needs the car this morning.
22:21I didn't mean you.
22:27Bye-bye, gorgeous, ugly dog.
22:34Is Mummy going to start one of her things with Rupert?
22:37I'm not going to keep her secrets again if she does.
22:43Mummy and Daddy are going to be okay.
22:45Keep an eye on them, I promise.
22:49Oh, I'm going to miss you.
22:51Now go.
22:52I'm going.
22:56Just you and me now, pups.
22:57Yes.
22:58Rabbit, Jabba...
22:59Rabbit, Rabbit, Jabba, Jabba.
23:01Yeah, yeah, Manny.
23:02Jabba, Rabbit.
23:03Good evening.
23:04I'm Dax Alan O'Hara.
23:04I've called you one to stop talking
23:07Why don't you give it a risk?
23:11You've got more habit than Sainsbury's
23:14This time you got it off the chest
23:18Now you was just the kind of girl to break my heart into
23:22I knew I'd all cry like I could split my eyes on you
23:26But how was I to know you'd been my heroes too
23:29With your incessant talking
23:32You'll be coming a piss
23:34That's what we've got time for tonight
23:35Oh, Robert's a lady
23:39Now you're a wonderful girl
23:43You've got a wonderful smell
23:47You've got a wonderful smell
23:50You've got a chance
23:52Get off me, man
23:53But how was I to know you'd been my heroes too
23:57With your incessant talking
23:59You'll be coming a piss
24:01Wonderful
24:04Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
24:06Yeah, yeah, yeah
24:12Oh my God
24:15Mm-hmm.
24:17Oof, look at all this.
24:19If it's a neighborhood dinner party,
24:21why didn't Valerie Jones invite you to hand me?
24:23I don't know, Mummy.
24:24She did, I said we couldn't do it.
24:27What? I've work to do.
24:28I never get to go anywhere.
24:30I mean, how can we meet anyone
24:33if you're gonna turn down everything
24:34just to prepare your stupid program?
24:36My stupid program is all just paying the bills
24:39on this rotting pile of bricks,
24:40and all you do is spend money.
24:42I mean, why the fuck do we own our harp?
24:43Well, you wanna take my music away from me?
24:45It's all that I have left.
24:46I have to go to work.
24:47No, no, I'm still talking to you.
24:48We can talk about a laser.
24:50Good luck, Tag. Bye.
24:52You know, it's a good job that you bought a priory
24:54because I might as well be a nun.
24:57No, he's still punishing me.
24:59I mean, when has it been a stop?
25:06My congratulations, both of you.
25:0810 million viewers.
25:10I want 12 mil this week.
25:11Ha!
25:12I can't believe you got that story out of Mick Jagger.
25:14People like telling me things.
25:16Psychiatrist to the stars.
25:17So who's next on the couch?
25:18Diana.
25:19Doesn't do TV.
25:20Arnold Schwarzenegger?
25:21Jesus, he couldn't even speak.
25:23Joanna Lumley?
25:23Rupert Campbell Black.
25:25No way.
25:26Celebrity?
25:27Ex-Olympian, a heartthrob, so I'm told,
25:28and now minister for sports.
25:29Surely that's an extraordinary trajectory.
25:31There's no hinterland.
25:32If I'm to interview someone whose politics I despise,
25:35I want a worthy opponent.
25:36Could you stop swinging your dick for a moment?
25:38If you stop swinging your vagina.
25:39OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.
25:43Declan's right.
25:44Campbell Black's an arrogant brat.
25:45Everything people hate about the upper classes.
25:47Why do you hate him so much?
25:50Because he always gets everything he wants.
25:53Joyce, Rupert Campbell Black.
25:55I wasn't surprised when the wife left.
25:58He'll never settle, will he?
26:00Doesn't that make him an interesting interview?
26:02He's the only man in England who can come out of a sex scandal
26:05with a promotion.
26:06Minister for sport, for God's sake.
26:08The man plays tennis naked.
26:10He's an irredeemable shit.
26:12We needn't pour fertilizer on his already overgrown ego.
26:16Who do you want, Declan?
26:18Thatcher.
26:19Margaret Thatcher.
26:20No, Charles, fucking Dennis Thatcher.
26:22Look, she'll never say yes anyway.
26:24She thinks I'm an IRA pinko.
26:25Well, let's see.
26:26I've donated eye-watering sums to the Tory party.
26:30It's not the public who decides which way the election goes, is it?
26:35All right.
26:36Stop staring at me.
26:36Fuck off.
26:37We've all got work to do.
26:40Declan?
26:40Yeah?
26:41Don't go.
26:42Have a proper drink.
26:42After you.
26:46You've got viewing figures most people would sell their granny for.
26:50So, I'm just wondering why you're still unhappy here.
26:55You mean Cameron?
26:56No.
26:57No.
26:58I mean, she's hard work, but you're right.
27:01She knows what she's doing.
27:02I...
27:03I just have a lot on my mind.
27:05Money stuff.
27:07I have an unpaid tax bill following me around.
27:1080 grand.
27:13London wasn't cheap.
27:15Not with a wife who throws her party every time someone blows their nose.
27:20All right.
27:20Well, why don't I settle with the unknown revenue for you?
27:25You can pay me back when you can.
27:26Nobody need to know about it.
27:28Just the two of us.
27:29And my accountant.
27:32That's very decent of you.
27:34Self-interest, really.
27:35You're no good to be preoccupied.
27:39Well.
27:41Not bad.
27:42Cheers.
27:44Well, not bad.
27:58Cheers.
28:16Are you always this height?
28:18I can usually size people by looking.
28:20Well, I didn't think you'd want me to serve things.
28:22Well, I can't exactly do it myself, can I?
28:23And you know to go round the dinner table clockwise, don't you?
28:26Don't pick, Sharon!
28:27And I need you to write the menu out.
28:29One for each end of the table in French, if you don't mind.
28:31Hello, Taggy.
28:32Nice get up.
28:33Grub smells good.
28:34I'm still cross with you, Fred Fred.
28:35I mean, what were you thinking?
28:37Inviting a single man.
28:38I mean, what kind of a dinner party have you had nine guests?
28:40Ten guests now, because I've just invited a single woman.
28:42To balance her books.
28:43Fred Fred, how could you?
28:45Now I'm going to have to change the whole plus-month.
28:51Terrific.
28:54I could help you with the menus.
28:56I'm doing French for GCSE.
29:05They're going to be here soon, Mrs Makepeace.
29:07Yes, Mrs Jones.
29:08Sorry, did you decide if you want the cheese first or the pavlova?
29:11Fred Fred?
29:12Cheese or dessert?
29:14Don't posh people say pudding.
29:16Pudding?
29:16But dessert is French.
29:18Agatha, which is it?
29:19I don't know.
29:20Pudding.
29:21Feeling it bored in school?
29:24Chin up, Massey.
29:26We've worked so hard we can enjoy it now.
29:27Yeah?
29:27I mean, who'd have thought it, you and me,
29:29entertaining a lord and a lady?
29:31Right?
29:33Right.
29:48It's a nice, cosy dinner at Freddy's bum in a board seat at the end of it.
29:52I've rather implied to Lady Gosling he's already said yes,
29:55so we need to reel him in tonight.
29:58We might as well kiss goodbye to the franchise.
29:59No, absolutely.
30:01Operation Charm Offensive.
30:02Well, offensive is right.
30:04We'll be forced to admire the soft furnishings.
30:06Fitted carpets everywhere.
30:08Well, don't let Valerie Jones get you, darling.
30:11You know who she reminds you of.
30:13Who?
30:14Your mother.
30:16Hmm.
30:28Come on.
30:30You've got five minutes.
30:31Yeah, well, five minutes is how long it takes to do this bloody dress-up.
30:36No, all right.
30:39Um, you know I need you to behave yourself this evening, don't you?
30:44Uh, I want Tony to invite me onto the board at Carinium, and we need to look proper.
30:50Respectable.
30:50Darling, is this about Rupert?
30:52It was just a silly flirtation.
30:54Come on, you know I love you most of all.
30:56Besides, I thought you wanted a young wife that everyone admires.
30:59I do, darling.
31:01I just prefer they admire you from further away.
31:16So it was a considerable renovation?
31:18Yes, it was terribly pokey.
31:20Three bedrooms and only the one bathroom, so we had to extend.
31:24But once we'd rendered over the old stonework, you can't tell the joy between the old and new.
31:28I thought this was a listed building.
31:30Oh, it is.
31:31Yeah.
31:32Fred Fred has friends in high places.
31:34I mean, one needs a good-sized lounge for entertaining.
31:37Hmm.
31:38Lounge.
31:39Behave.
31:41Living charming.
31:48I think I've had this dream.
31:50Valerie made me.
31:51She's so short.
31:54Brevity is the soul of wit.
31:56And I can almost see your brevities.
32:03The fact is, this is a listed building.
32:06There are rules.
32:07To come.
32:08Don't put him up.
32:14I...
32:14Aw.
32:16Darling, you look ravishing.
32:18Oh, James hates this, but it's the only clean one I've got.
32:21Mm-hmm.
32:21Um.
32:22Hello, Valerie.
32:25Evening, Stratton.
32:26Listen.
32:27I think you're giving the wrong impression about the tennis game with your wife.
32:30Or quite innocent.
32:31Sort of thing that wouldn't bat an eyelid on the continent.
32:33Good, clean, open-air fun.
32:35Shake hands and play nicely, shall we?
32:44Freddie!
32:46Sound distance!
32:48Oh, sorry, love.
32:49Wrong room.
32:50Freddie's equipment is staggering.
32:54Well...
32:57I, er...
32:58I gather you spent this afternoon on the couch with my husband.
33:00Yes.
33:01Do you mind?
33:02No.
33:03Good for you.
33:04I hope you told him it was marvellous afterwards.
33:09Thanks, Fred.
33:10Nature abhors a vacuum.
33:12Yes, so does my cleaner.
33:15That's very good.
33:16It's fairly good.
33:18Will you show me this sound system?
33:20I'll be back in a tick.
33:23You're ahead with the host.
33:25Bet you're next to him at dinner.
33:32Right.
33:33I'm off to see what decorative hell Valerie's unleashed on the downstairs loo.
33:37Clucum, darling.
33:38Clucum.
33:40Mm.
33:40I get a little help.
33:41I'm going to call you.
33:43I'm going to call you.
33:43I'm going to call you.
33:44I'm going to call you.
33:45No?
33:46Okay, the satellite has a suspect.
33:47Let's embrace the possibilities.
33:49Well, your expertise will be a lie.
33:54Of course, you're busy.
33:55Well, I think you're life really useful.
33:57We'd have fun.
33:58He's not trying to seduce you out of his board, is he?
34:01We're a viable, growing company with excellent prospects.
34:04The financial awards are considerable.
34:06Ah, must we bring money into it.
34:08Fred is a businessman.
34:10It's what we do.
34:10You ever said no to this man?
34:12Frequently.
34:13Did you enjoy the polo?
34:15Oh, you're a very bad influence.
34:17I did ache for three days.
34:18Freddie!
34:19Mr Verica and Mrs Stratton are on the television.
34:23Oh, yes.
34:23Do you want to see this?
34:24Yeah.
34:24Okay.
34:37Sarah, welcome.
34:38Hi, James.
34:38Absolutely.
34:39There you are, Sarah.
34:41Where's Sarah?
34:41You've been married to Paul Stratton, MP for Cochester, for a few months now.
34:46Mm.
34:46How do you see your role as the wife of an MP?
34:49To support my husband in every possible way.
34:52And how do you get on with Paul's family?
34:53I mean, his children must be nearly as old as you are.
34:55Oh, very good, James.
34:56Gripping stuff.
34:57No pressure on Paul to leave his first wife.
34:59But because he eventually made that decision, you know, I'm branded a scarlet woman.
35:03Oh.
35:03So I've had to try even harder to prove myself a good woman.
35:10Cute.
35:20Engaged to be married to a busy, powerful, famous man.
35:23The one thing I will say is do not let yourself go after you're worried.
35:26I mean, we all know what happens then.
35:28Hello, Cameron.
35:29Let me get you a drink.
35:30They're all glued to the local news, I'm afraid.
35:32Oh, James!
35:34Stop it.
35:35Are you 21?
35:37Oh, please.
35:38And the rest.
35:39She's a natural, isn't she?
35:41Well, it's just wonderful to see her opening up.
35:43I understand that...
36:05Don't last for seconds, all right?
36:06Is this not fishing?
36:06No.
36:06No.
36:06No.
36:07No.
36:07No.
36:08No.
36:10No.
36:11No.
36:11No.
36:12No.
36:25No.
36:26No.
36:29No.
36:30No.
36:31No.
36:33No.
36:39No.
36:41No.
36:43No.
36:44No.
36:44Don't do anything outrageous. Stay out of my way.
36:49Well, I clearly drew the long straw.
36:54Oh, you're here, yeah?
36:55Yeah, thank you.
36:59Ah, Cavendish. We've never really had a proper chat, have we?
37:02No, we haven't, Lady Betty, yeah?
37:04Oh, Monica, please. We're all friends here.
37:14Rupert Campbell-Black.
37:18I presume since we're the only people here with our partners
37:21that we're being set up with each other,
37:22and just so you know, I am perfectly comfortable with them.
37:25Do you have a boyfriend?
37:28Kind of.
37:30Kind of?
37:31Mm-hmm.
37:33That's kind.
37:37Sorry, I think, uh, someone's been playing with the, um...
37:41Anything all right, Valerie?
37:43Yes, yeah.
37:44Quite, quite all right.
37:45Do you work with Cavendish, James?
37:48Her name's Cameron.
37:49No, I promise it's not.
37:52No, Cavendish.
37:52See?
37:54James thought you were called Cameron.
37:56Yeah, it's Cameron.
37:58Yeah.
37:59But this beautiful was honest to Cavendish,
38:01so why didn't you say anything?
38:03Well, you're my boss's wife.
38:05Well, silly girl.
38:08There's no need.
38:09Honestly, what peculiar behaviour?
38:16Salon loose.
38:17Do you like salmon loose?
38:19So, what have you got?
38:21Chinged French peasant, cravat sauce.
38:24Desert, chateau.
38:26You think it's garnished from actual sand?
38:28Garnished with leftover peasants?
38:32Not frequently, no.
38:33Not quite, Agatha, please.
38:36Sorry.
38:36I didn't tell her.
39:01It looks amazing.
39:03I do love a bit of pheasant.
39:06And how'd you get on with Declan on it?
39:08Well, I'm his producer,
39:09which gives him license to be obnoxious.
39:11God knows how his wife puts up with them.
39:13Well, you could ask Taggy here.
39:14She's his daughter.
39:16Oh, God, I'm sorry.
39:19It's all sport with you, isn't it?
39:21Blood sport, mostly the chase.
39:22Oh, but if you caught something,
39:24I don't think you'd know what to do with it.
39:26Hmm.
39:27She's quite the ball breaker, your new producer.
39:29Where'd you find her?
39:30Hunted her down in New York.
39:31Ah, blood sports again.
39:32You guys go to school together or something?
39:34Oh, no, no, no, no.
39:36And that's funny.
39:37Why?
39:39Because, as it happens, no, we didn't.
39:42Rupert went to Harrow.
39:44So, I went to grammar school
39:46and you'll never let anyone forget it, will you?
39:48I wasn't going to say anything of the sort of you
39:51that won't let anyone forget it, Battingham.
39:54Tony was quite different as a boy.
39:57Oh!
39:58Billy Bunter, weren't you?
40:00Okay.
40:00What's grammar school
40:02and how is it different from where you went?
40:04Well, it's increasingly hard to say.
40:06Rupert's school cost a lot more,
40:08but they didn't spend any of it teaching him manners.
40:12Very good, Lady Battingham.
40:13I can't imagine you fat, Tony.
40:15That's where I got my drive to succeed.
40:17I wish Fred Fridge had a drive like that.
40:19We can't budge those girls at all.
40:21Ha!
40:22Be careful what you wish for, Valerie.
40:25Might drive them to some dangerous places.
40:28I've been meaning to say, Tony,
40:30we found a presenter for our Caring for the Elderly segment.
40:32She's a Jamaican lady living in Cotchester,
40:35a 70-year-old widow with an adult daughter
40:37which makes her a black single mother.
40:39Box tape.
40:40I was brought up by a black single mother?
40:43Can't wait to tune in.
40:48I'm not sure what this song is.
40:50What the jam is.
40:51What the jam?
40:52She's so exotic, isn't she?
40:54Where's she from?
40:54America, I think.
40:56Wayne likes black girls, don't you, Wayne?
40:57What? Shut up!
40:58You've got a picture of Grace Jones when I close on.
41:00I saw it in your pants drawer.
41:02Oh, it's going so well.
41:04The pheasant was divine.
41:06Everyone's saying so.
41:07Oh, I knew you'd be wonderful at this.
41:10I'm sorry I should put you in that thing.
41:11It was me.
41:12You were at the menu's out.
41:13That's why the spelling's so bad.
41:14Oh, God.
41:16You're dyslexia.
41:19I'm so sorry.
41:21We thought we were taking the mickey out of...
41:24someone else.
41:26Well, you cook like a dream,
41:28even if you can't spell for shit.
41:54What's your favourite thing about your job?
41:57Well...
41:59What a lovely question.
42:04Space.
42:05Up there.
42:07Most British satellites use my computers now,
42:10and sometimes...
42:12I look up at the night sky
42:14and I see a little star winking back at me,
42:17and I think...
42:18I've made that happen.
42:21And it blows my mind.
42:31Chateau...
42:32Chateau...
42:34This looks...
42:35divine.
42:38Well done, Angel.
42:52You stupid bitch!
42:54What the fuck are you doing?
42:55I'm so sorry.
42:56I'm sorry.
42:58Oops.
42:58Fetch a cloth, Agatha!
43:00Don't fetch a cloth.
43:01It's Armani.
43:02I'll pay for it.
43:03Whoa!
43:03You couldn't begin to.
43:05Needn't be a bitch about it.
43:07I'm sorry.
43:10Come on.
43:11This can't get you tidied up.
43:12Come with me.
43:15Rupert, how could you?
43:21God, that is exactly the kind of crass,
43:25I thought she'd like it.
43:26God knows her mother would have.
43:27Women call them just a buffet
43:28laid out for you to snack on.
43:30Perhaps she's not as innocent as you think she is,
43:32and that's a very cheeky little dress.
43:34Valerie made her wear it to do the job.
43:36Not that you'd understand.
43:39With looks like hers,
43:40I wouldn't have thought a career was that important.
43:41Honestly, Rupert,
43:43this was badly done.
44:08Taggy, I think...
44:09Get away from me.
44:11I thought you wanted me to.
44:12Why on earth would you think that?
44:14Well, you like to watch.
44:16Well, you might be grown up enough to play, too.
44:18You're disgusting,
44:19and I want nothing to do with you.
44:24Taggy, hang on.
44:29You're idiot.
44:31What's true?
44:40Well, the traumatic end to the evening.
44:43All these sobbing women.
44:46Valerie, all right?
44:48She's chuffed to bits that you came to dinner.
44:51So, thank you.
44:54So...
44:56This bald thing.
44:59Marvell, she...
45:00She's keen for me to get into something more cultural.
45:04So, why don't you send me over to business plan?
45:07I'll look over it.
45:10I'll give you a call on Monday.
45:27Last night was humiliating.
45:30I don't know if I can do this anymore.
45:34You and me.
45:35What?
45:36Why?
45:41You were at Valerie Jones' dinner party?
45:45Yeah.
45:46I gather you got pudding tipped all over you by my daughter.
45:49I'll pay for the cleaning bill.
45:50Wouldn't Rupert do that?
45:52It was him who made Taggy drop the pudding when he groped her.
45:56He what?
45:57Oh, yeah, no, no.
46:00It was more than a pinch on the bottom, wasn't it?
46:02I didn't see it at the time, but grope sounds right.
46:04I'm sorry, he fucking what?
46:07Yeah.
46:07He's a promiscuous libertine, isn't he?
46:11Fondles whoever he likes.
46:15Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
46:16Hold on, Declan.
46:17Wait, wait.
46:17Wait.
46:17Bastard.
46:18Jesus, when I catch him, I'll interview him to death.
46:23You know, that's an idea.
46:25Think about it.
46:26You go over there and thump him, who gets to see it?
46:28One housekeeper and a gardener at best.
46:31Have him on the show.
46:33You can flay him in front of 16 million people.
46:37Oh, but you already said you didn't want him, right?
46:39No hinterland.
46:39I didn't want him either.
46:40I didn't want to give him the exposure, but exposing him.
46:44Come on, that's a whole different show, isn't it?
46:46That's where you destroy him, and it lasts a fuck of a lot longer than a black eye.
46:53Revenge is a dish best served on television.
47:08Revenge is a dish best served on television.
47:31Revenge is a dish best served on television.
47:58Revenge is a dish best served on television.
47:58Revenge is a dish best served on television.
47:58Revenge is a dish best served on television.
47:58Revenge is a dish best served on television.
47:58Revenge is a dish best served on television.
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