Rivals Season 1 Episode 2 | English Sub
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Short filmTranscript
00:27To be continued...
00:42And on the day fourth-form pupils begin studying for their new GCSE exams,
00:48we put a group of Cotchester shopkeepers through their paces to see how much they can remember
00:53from their O-level maths.
00:56Meanwhile, here at Carinium, we are buzzing with excitement for our new live show, Declan.
01:04Declan's first guest will be Hollywood hellraiser Johnny Friedlander,
01:09one of the cinema's brightest stars.
01:11In his first interview since being the unfortunate victim of a sex tape scandal two years ago,
01:17the reclusive star is on his way to Carinium Studios as we speak.
01:23Can Declan O'Hara coax him out of his shell?
01:27And what about those James Bond rumours?
01:31That's Declan, live tonight at eight o'clock, with his very first interview here at Carinium,
01:38right after Coronation Street.
01:40I'll definitely be tuning in.
01:55Run!
01:57Run!
01:57Run!
01:59Run!
02:00Let's go.
02:36Let's go.
03:10Let's go.
03:30Let's go.
03:36Let's go.
03:37Let's go.
03:37Let's go.
03:38Let's go.
03:39Let's go.
04:06Let's go.
04:07Let's go.
04:25Let's go.
04:55Let's go.
05:24Let's go.
05:51Let's go.
05:53Let's go.
05:58Let's go.
06:02Let's go.
06:03Let's go.
06:12Let's go.
06:14Let's go.
06:43Let's go.
06:44Let's go.
06:45Let's go.
06:45Let's go.
07:01Let's go.
07:33Let's go.
07:33Let's go.
07:33Let's go.
08:01Let's go.
08:15Let's go.
08:20Let's go.
08:43Let's go.
08:46Let's go.
08:53Let's go.
08:56Let's go.
08:57Let's go.
09:31Let's go.
09:32Let's go.
10:00Let's go.
10:00Let's go.
10:01Let's go.
10:01Let's go.
10:01Let's go.
10:01Absolutely.
10:02Not sure about the socks?
10:04Yep.
10:09Jesus Christ.
10:10He signed up on that.
10:11Let's go.
10:16What was it like when you drove off that bridge?
10:21Well, er, I woke up the second I hit the water.
10:24But, man, it was, er, scary
10:26In fact, God, I was in a convertible or I'd be at the bottom of the river now.
10:31But yeah, I had to get sober.
10:34415 days later, the world looks more beautiful than ever.
10:50Now, shall we talk about the sex tape?
10:54Why not?
10:55The elephant's in the room already, crapping in the corner.
10:58Is the girl okay?
11:01Miss, uh, Miss Cortez?
11:04Hell, I don't know.
11:05You don't see her?
11:06Uh, none of my Christmas card lists, no.
11:08But she is, uh, she's an actress, right?
11:11I don't know, uh, we met in a bar.
11:14Hope she got a lot of money into the whole thing.
11:17Is $5,000 a lot of money?
11:20According to Miss Cortez, that's when we should pay her to have sex with you
11:23and then take the tape to the National Enquirer.
11:25What?
11:27Oh, fuck.
11:29You said you were the victim.
11:31But in fact, you paid her to video herself having sex with you
11:36as if it had been filmed undercover
11:37so that when she took the tape to the press,
11:39you could pretend that you'd been set up?
11:42Simultaneously getting sympathy as the victim of a honey trap
11:44while reaping a ton of publicity that made you look like a virile sex god?
11:48Yeah, she got publicity too, trust me.
11:50You sat back and let the press vilify her
11:52to the extent that all her acting work dried up.
11:55You could have stepped in and told the truth, but you didn't.
11:58The world would have believed you,
12:01but your silence demolished her.
12:03Your stock shot up overnight
12:05while Pia Cortez lost her apartment.
12:08$5,000 for a woman's reputation.
12:10Is that a fair price?
12:11What reputation?
12:12She was a porn actress.
12:14I paid her to make a porno.
12:29Fuck.
12:30We've lost him.
12:31He's going to walk out.
12:45Oh, man, I'm an ass.
12:48What did you do?
12:51Tell two to hold on Johnny.
12:54Stay on Johnny.
12:55Now, move in.
12:57Slowly, slowly.
12:59Slowly.
13:00It wouldn't get this on the BBC.
13:04Get me the sweat beating on his brow.
13:06This is the one.
13:07I'd had four flops in a row,
13:09and I'm scared.
13:13It's the worst thing about Hollywood
13:15is when you're out.
13:16All you can think about
13:18is how to get back in.
13:20What a mess.
13:24Worst part is...
13:28I really like that girl.
13:31I thought she had something.
13:33What would you say to her?
13:36If she was here?
13:37Yeah, she's an L.A. man.
13:39Well, she might see it.
13:41You never know.
13:46Okay, um, sure.
13:56Tia.
13:59If you're watching,
14:01I'm sorry.
14:03I'm an ass.
14:05We buy you a drink.
14:07Or a car.
14:10Whatever you want.
14:12I'm sorry.
14:22Man, I've been sitting on that seat for too long.
14:25Feel good to get it off your chest.
14:28God, the water here.
14:30Tastes good.
14:32Can I get another?
14:34Join us again after the break
14:35when I'll be asking Johnny about James Bond.
14:38Don't go away.
14:40And we're clear.
14:42Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
14:44Okay, stand by, everyone.
14:45Three minutes.
14:46That was more stressful than I expected.
14:48Daddy always goes in for the kill.
14:51He really is a master at this, your deckling.
14:53I mean, is that erotic?
14:55Doing a video?
14:56Well, I think it is if you've made it for each other
14:58or you watch it when they're away.
15:01Or we'll watch it together.
15:02It's a warm-up.
15:04Yeah, it can be pretty hot.
15:05With the right co-star.
15:07I can't imagine James wanting to make a sex video with me.
15:10The camera puts pounds on you
15:12and he already thinks I'm fat.
15:14Well, he's bad.
15:15Yeah.
15:15You're exquisite.
15:20Sandwich?
15:20Anyone?
15:21Yeah, I'm starving.
15:23Oh, my God, you made this, Dougie.
15:26Ambrosial.
15:27Please.
15:28Please tell me you'll come and work for me.
15:29Caitlin, go and fetch another one of these for me, please.
15:31No, I tried working in a restaurant.
15:33It was just, er, it was too hectic.
15:35Well, you could do people's dinner parties and things.
15:38A private chef.
15:39I bet you'd get bookings.
15:41I could put a word around if you like.
15:42Caitlin!
15:43Oh, Daddy's back.
15:52Here it is.
15:53Your closet, sir.
16:05Put something against her.
16:06Do you think Johnny Friedlander barricades the door?
16:12The guy, he had the most stupid walk.
16:17I'll tell you what Cubby Broccoli said when my people called up and suggested me.
16:21He said he'd sooner have James Bond played by a woman.
16:28Ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Friedlander.
16:32And you're looking for a woman who told her story.
16:45And he said, I'm just going to go to the front.
16:47And he said, I'm going to go to the front.
16:53And he said, I'm going to go to the front.
16:59And I'm going to go to the front.
16:59Gave him a bottle of vodka.
17:01Oh, no, I did that.
17:02What?
17:04Why didn't you tell me?
17:06We needed your first show to be jaw-dropping television.
17:08No way was I leaving that to chance.
17:10And you didn't tell me you were going to skewer the guy live on air.
17:13You don't think he fucks your producer or not to know that?
17:15We didn't need to push him off the wagon.
17:17I didn't need help.
17:18Yeah, you didn't need a desk either, did you?
17:22Hi, this is Esther McLeod.
17:23Hi, hi. How you doing?
17:24This is Lady Gosling.
17:26Hi, how you doing?
17:27Hello.
17:27Freddie Jones.
17:28Hey, who's the middle?
17:29His lovely wife.
17:30Hey, how you doing?
17:31Jones Oroko.
17:32Hi, how you doing?
17:33This is the backroom boys.
17:35This is Sam.
17:35Hey, how you doing?
17:35Daisy.
17:36Hey, how you doing?
17:37This is Deirdre.
17:38Hey, how you doing?
17:40Hey, how you doing?
17:46At least he didn't film you.
17:49He's a mug.
17:50He looked like a Charlie's angel.
17:54Thanks, Seb.
17:55That's nice.
17:57He's very good, isn't he?
17:59He's not the new jewel in Carineon's crown.
18:02Extraordinary soft.
18:04He has so much character.
18:05He's a breath of fresh air.
18:07It's such a shame that you couldn't get Campbell Black onto the board.
18:11Wow.
18:12Is Freddie Jones in the bag?
18:13Oh, very much so.
18:14Very much so.
18:15They're much more used to us.
18:17His expertise in technology, business, the real world.
18:21But I've got to say, Declan's got some brass.
18:24I thought Johnny was going to lamp him one.
18:26How do you keep it together?
18:27All that going on?
18:28Can I tell you a secret?
18:30That was my first time taking the show out live.
18:33Did you like it?
18:34Oh, my God.
18:35The adrenaline.
18:36Yes, I loved it.
18:37But please don't ask me any specifics.
18:39It's a blur.
18:39Met Cameron, then.
18:41You need people that can deliver under pressure, don't you?
18:44Diamonds.
18:45Couldn't agree more.
18:46That's why we're courting you for the board.
18:51You're getting the fuck of a lifetime tonight.
19:09Isn't that crazy?
19:11And then the man started turning up at the house.
19:14I know.
19:14And he was so in love with Mummy.
19:16But then Daddy found out about it.
19:18And that wasn't funny at all.
19:21Caitlin.
19:23Anyway, that's the real reason why we moved out of London.
19:26Daddy's new job came just at the right time.
19:44Mrs. Thatcher tells me if I want to succeed in politics, I have to keep my nose clean.
19:48No more cunnilingus, then.
19:51Maud's got a thumping crush on you.
19:54Declan looks strong.
19:56I'd watch yourself.
19:59Darling, you know I love you to beards.
20:03You never tell me what to do.
20:32You never tell me what to do.
20:48I must be exhausted.
20:51How did I do?
20:53You were wonderful.
21:17Christ, you're wet.
21:20I've been thinking about you coming home all evening.
21:37Oh, what is it?
21:39Everything all right?
21:42Shitting awful evening, actually.
21:43Oh, I'm sorry.
21:45You should have come with me to watch a new Declan show.
21:50It was...
21:51brilliant.
21:59You might be a little more supportive, Lizzie.
22:15I mean, it's only my first date boarding school.
22:17It's not like it's momentous or anything, is it?
22:18I'm sorry I can't drive you there.
22:20You know Daddy needs the car this morning.
22:21I didn't mean you.
22:27Bye-bye, gorgeous, ugly dog.
22:34Is Mummy going to start one of her things with Rupert?
22:37I'm not going to keep her secrets again if she does.
22:43Mummy and Daddy are going to be okay.
22:45Keep an eye on them, I promise.
22:49Oh, I'm going to miss you.
22:51Now go.
22:52I'm going.
22:56Just you and me now, pups.
22:57Yes.
22:57Rabbit, Jabba.
22:59Rabbit, Jabba.
23:00Rabbit, Jabba.
23:01Yep, yep.
23:01Jabba, rabbit.
23:02Jabba, rabbit.
23:03Good evening.
23:04I'm Dax on the horse.
23:07You could open source if you moved.
23:08Why don't you give it a risk.
23:11Take it.
23:11You've got more rabbit than Sainsbury's
23:14This time you've got it all for chips
23:18Now you was just the kind of girl to break my heart into
23:22I knew I'd all cry, I could split my eyes on you
23:26But how was I to know you'd been my heroes too
23:29With your incessant token
23:32You're becoming a pest
23:34That's what we've got time for tonight
23:35Oh, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit
23:39Now you're a wonderful girl
23:43You've got a wonderful smell
23:47You're a wonderful smell
23:50You've got a char
23:53But how was I to know you'd been my heroes too
23:57With your incessant token
24:00You're becoming a pest
24:02Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, yan-yep, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, jabba, rabbit, jabba, rabbit, yep, yep, yep, rabbit, bunny,
24:08reasoning
24:09Have I ready?
24:10Ahem.
24:14Ahem.
24:15Oh my God.
24:17Oof.
24:17Look at all this.
24:19It was a neighborhood dinner party.
24:21Why didn't Valerie Jones invite you to hand me?
24:23I don't know, Mummy.
24:24She did.
24:24I said we couldn't do it.
24:26What?
24:27I have work to do.
24:28I never get to go anywhere.
24:31I mean, how can we meet anyone if you're going to turn down everything just to prepare
24:35your stupid program?
24:36My stupid program is all just paying the bills on this rotting pile of bricks.
24:40And all you do is spend money.
24:42I mean, why the fuck do we own a harp?
24:43Well, you want to take my music away from me?
24:45It's all that I have left.
24:46I have to go to work.
24:47No, no, I'm still talking to you.
24:48We can talk about it later.
24:50Good luck, Tag.
24:51Bye.
24:52You know, it's a good job that you bought a priory because I might as well be a nun.
24:57You know, he's still punishing me.
24:59I mean, when is it going to stop?
25:06My congratulations, both of you.
25:08Ten million viewers.
25:10I want 12 mil this week.
25:12I can't believe you got that story out of Mick Jagger.
25:14People like telling me things. Psychiatrist to the stars.
25:17So who's next on the couch?
25:18Diana.
25:19Doesn't do TV.
25:20Arnold Schwarzenegger.
25:21Jesus, he couldn't even speak.
25:23Joanna Lumley.
25:24Rupert Campbell Black.
25:24No way.
25:26Celebrity.
25:26Ex-Olympian.
25:27A heartthrob, so I'm told, and now minister for sports.
25:29Surely that's an extraordinary trajectory.
25:31There's no hinterland.
25:32If I'm to interview someone whose politics I despise, I want a worthy opponent.
25:36Could you stop swinging your dick for a moment?
25:38If you stop swinging your vagina.
25:40Okay, okay, okay, okay.
25:43Declan's right.
25:44Campbell Black's an arrogant brat.
25:45Everything people hate about the upper classes.
25:47Why do you hate him so much?
25:50Pick up the horse.
25:50Get everything he wants.
25:52Joyce, Rupert Campbell Black.
25:55I wasn't surprised when the wife left.
25:58He'll never settle, will he?
26:00Doesn't that make him an interesting interview?
26:02He's the only man in England who can come out of a sex scandal with a promotion.
26:06Minister for sport, for God's sake.
26:08The man plays tennis naked.
26:10He's an irredeemable shit.
26:12We needn't pour fertilizer on his already overgrown ego.
26:16Who do you want, Declan?
26:18Thatcher.
26:19Margaret Thatcher.
26:20No, Charles, fucking Dennis Thatcher.
26:22Look, she'll never say yes anyway.
26:24She thinks I'm an irate pinko.
26:25Well, let's see.
26:26I've donated eye-watering sums to the Tory party.
26:29It's not the public who decides which way the election goes, is it?
26:35All right, stop staring at me.
26:36Fuck off.
26:37We've all got work to do.
26:39So, Declan?
26:40Yeah.
26:41Don't go.
26:42Have a proper drink.
26:42After you.
26:46You've got viewing figures most people would sell their granny for.
26:50So, I'm just wondering why you're still unhappy here.
26:55Are you Cameron?
26:56No.
26:57No.
26:58I mean, she's hard work, but you're right.
27:01She knows what she's doing.
27:02I...
27:03I just have a lot in my mind.
27:05Money stuff.
27:07I have an unpaid tax bill following me around.
27:1080 grand.
27:13London wasn't cheap.
27:14Not with a wife who throws her party every time someone blows their nose.
27:20All right.
27:21Well...
27:22Why don't I settle with the end loan revenue for you?
27:25You can pay me back when you can.
27:26Nobody need to know about it.
27:28Just the two of us.
27:29And my accountant.
27:32That's very decent of you.
27:34Self-interest, really.
27:35You're no good to be preoccupied.
27:40Well...
27:41Not bad.
27:42Cheers.
28:16Are you always this height?
28:18I can usually size people by looking.
28:20Well, I didn't think you'd want me to serve things.
28:22Well, I can't exactly do it myself, can I?
28:23And you know to go round the dinner table clockwise, don't you?
28:26Don't pick, Sharon!
28:27And I need you to write the menu out.
28:29One for each end of the table in French, if you don't mind.
28:31Hello, Taggy.
28:32Nice get up.
28:33Grub smells good.
28:34I'm still cross with you, Fred Fred.
28:35I mean, what were you thinking?
28:37Inviting a single man?
28:38I mean, what kind of a dinner party have you had nine guests?
28:40Ten guests now, because I've just invited a single woman.
28:42To balance the books.
28:43Fred Fred, how could you?
28:45Now I'm going to have to change the whole plus-month.
28:51Terrific.
28:54I could help you with the menus.
28:56I'm doing French for GCSE.
29:05You're going to be here soon, Mrs Makepeace.
29:07Yes, Mrs Jones.
29:08Sorry, did you decide if you want the cheese first or the pavlova?
29:11Fred Fred?
29:12Cheese or dessert?
29:14Don't posh people say pudding.
29:16Pudding?
29:16But dessert is French.
29:18Agatha, which is it?
29:19I don't know.
29:20Pudding.
29:21Have you learned it aboard in school?
29:24Chin up, Massey.
29:26We've worked so hard we can enjoy it now.
29:28I mean, who'd have thought that you and me entertain the Lord and the Lady?
29:30Eh?
29:33Right.
29:48It's a nice, cosy dinner at Freddy's bum in a board seat at the end of it.
29:52I've rather implied to Lady Gosling he's already said yes, so we need to reel him in tonight.
29:57We might as well kiss goodbye to the franchise.
29:59No, absolutely.
30:01Operation Charm Offensive.
30:02Well, offensive is right and we'll be forced to admire the soft furnishings.
30:06Fitted carpets everywhere.
30:08Well, don't let Valerie Jones get to you, darling.
30:12You know who she reminds you of.
30:13Who?
30:14Your mother.
30:16Hmm.
30:28Come on.
30:30You've got five minutes.
30:31Yeah, well, five minutes is how long it takes to do this bloody dress-up.
30:36No, all right.
30:39Um, you know I need you to behave yourself this evening, don't you?
30:44Uh, I want Tony to invite me onto the board at Quirinium and we need to look proper.
30:50Respectable.
30:50Darling, is this about Rupert?
30:52It was just a silly flirtation.
30:54Come on, you know I love you most of all.
30:56Besides, I thought you wanted a young wife that everyone admires.
30:59I do, darling.
31:01I just prefer they admire you from further away.
31:16So it was a considerable renovation?
31:18Yes, it was terribly pokey.
31:20Three bedrooms and only the one bathroom, so we had to extend.
31:24But once we'd rendered over the old stonework, you can't tell the joy between the old and new.
31:28I thought this was a listed building.
31:30Oh, it is.
31:31Yeah.
31:32Fred Fred has friends in high places.
31:34I mean, one needs a good-sized lounge for entertaining.
31:37Hm.
31:38Lounge.
31:39Behave.
31:41Living charming.
31:48I think I've had this dream.
31:50Valerie made me.
31:51She's so short.
31:54Brevity is the soul of wit.
31:56And I can almost see your brevities.
32:03The fact is, this is the listed building.
32:06There are rules.
32:07To come.
32:08I need to be done with him.
32:14Oh.
32:16Darling, you look ravishing.
32:18Oh, James hates this, but it's the only clean one I've got.
32:21Um.
32:22Hello, Valerie.
32:25Evening, Stratton.
32:26Listen.
32:27I think you're giving the wrong impression about the tennis game with your wife.
32:30Or quite innocent.
32:31Sort of thing that wouldn't bat an eyelid on the continent.
32:33Good, clean, open-air fun.
32:35Shake hands and play nicely, shall we?
32:45Freddy!
32:47Sound distance!
32:48Show me, love.
32:49One will.
32:50Look, Freddy's equipment is staggering.
32:57I, er, I gather you spent this afternoon on the couch with my husband.
33:01Yes.
33:01Do you mind?
33:02No.
33:03Good for you.
33:04I hope you told him it was marvellous afterwards.
33:09Thanks, Fred.
33:10Nature abhors a vacuum.
33:12Yes, so does my cleaner.
33:15That's very good.
33:16That's very good.
33:17Will you show me this sound system?
33:20I'll be back in a tick.
33:23You're ahead with the host.
33:25Bet you're next to him at dinner.
33:27Uh-huh.
33:32Right, I'm off to see what decorative hell Valerie's unleashed on the downstairs loo.
33:37Clucum, darling.
33:38Clucum.
33:38Mm.
33:39I'll be back in a little bit.
33:43I'll be back in a little bit.
33:44I'll be back in a little bit.
33:45I'll be back in a little bit.
33:46Okay, we'll start to light this up.
33:47Let's embrace the possibilities.
33:49Well, I think.
33:51Your expertise will be a bit, right?
33:54Of course, you'll be, you.
33:55Well, I think your life's really useful.
33:57We'd have fun.
33:58Not trying to seduce you onto his board, is he?
34:01We're a viable, growing company with excellent prospects.
34:04The financial rewards are considerable.
34:06Ah, must we bring money into it.
34:08Fred is a businessman.
34:10It's what we do.
34:10You ever said no to this man?
34:12Frequently.
34:13Did you enjoy the polo?
34:15You're a very bad influence.
34:17I did ache for three days.
34:18Freddie!
34:19Mr Verica and Mrs Stratton are on the television.
34:23Oh, yes, do you want to see this?
34:24Yeah, okay.
34:37Sarah, welcome.
34:38Hi, James.
34:38Absolutely.
34:39There you are, Sarah.
34:41Where's Sarah?
34:41You've been married to Paul Stratton, MP for Cochester, for a few months now.
34:46How do you see your role as the wife of an MP?
34:49To support my husband in every possible way.
34:52And how do you get on with Paul's family?
34:53I mean, his children must be nearly as old as you are.
34:55Oh, very good, James.
34:56Gripping stuff.
34:57The pressure on Paul to leave his first wife.
34:59But because he eventually made that decision, you know, I'm branded a scarlet woman.
35:03So I've had to try even harder to prove myself a good woman.
35:10Cute.
35:20Engaged to be married to a busy, powerful, famous man.
35:23The one thing I will say is do not let yourself go after you're worried.
35:26I mean, we all know what happens.
35:28Hello, Cameron.
35:29Let me get you a drink.
35:30They're all glued to the local news, I'm afraid.
35:32Well, thank you.
35:33Oh, James!
35:34Stop it.
35:35What are you, 21?
35:37Oh, please.
35:38And the rest.
35:39She's a natural, isn't she?
35:41Well, it's just wonderful to see her opening up.
35:59Oh, look.
36:01Huh.
36:04Don't shock me.
36:05Ha!
36:05Ah, ha!
36:07Um!
36:09Uh!
36:11Uh.
36:12Uh!
36:12Oh!
36:14Oh!
36:17Huh!
36:26Ah!
36:29Don't last for seconds, all right?
36:31Is this not fishing?
36:33You cologne?
36:34I wear it all the time.
36:35I like it.
36:36You sure the lighting wasn't a bit hard?
36:38It was brilliant.
36:40What the hell are you doing here?
36:41Freddie called after you left.
36:42I couldn't see no to him, could I?
36:44Well, don't do anything outrageous.
36:45Stay out of my way.
36:49Well, I clearly drew the long straw.
36:51Yeah.
36:54Are we all here, yeah?
36:55Yeah.
36:59Ah, Cavendish.
37:00We've never really had a proper chat, have we?
37:02No, we haven't, Lady Betty, yeah?
37:04Oh, Monica, please.
37:05We're all friends here.
37:14Rupert Campbell Black.
37:18I presume since we're the only people here with our partners
37:21that we're being set up with each other,
37:22and just so you know, I am perfectly comfortable with them.
37:53Do you have a boyfriend?
37:55Cameron yeah, it's Cameron. Yeah, but this beautiful was honest to Cavendish
38:01So why didn't you say anything? Well, you're my boss's wife
38:05But silly girl, there's no need
38:09Honestly, what peculiar behavior
38:19Oh, really God
38:21Chinged French peasant, cravat sauce
38:24Desert, chateau
38:25You think it's garnished from actual sand?
38:28Garnished with leftover peasants?
38:32Not frequently, no
38:33Talk wise, Agatha, please
38:35Sorry, I didn't tell her
38:57Ah, tagging
38:58What did I always ask for?
39:02It looks amazing
39:03I don't love a bit of pheasant
39:04It looks delicious
39:05Thank you, thank you
39:06And how do you get on with David?
39:07Declan on it
39:07Well, I'm his producer, which gives him license to be obnoxious
39:11God knows how his wife puts up with them
39:13Well, you could ask Taggy here, she's his daughter
39:16Oh, God, I'm sorry
39:19It's all sport with you, isn't it?
39:21Blood sport, mostly the chase
39:22Oh, but if you caught something, I don't think you know what to do with it
39:25Hmm
39:27She's quite the ball breaker, your new producer
39:29Where'd you find her?
39:30Hunted her down in New York
39:31Ah, blood sports again
39:32You guys go to school together or something
39:34No, no, no, no
39:36And that's funny, why?
39:39Because, as it happens, no, we didn't
39:41Rupert went to Harrow
39:44I went to grammar school
39:46And you'll never let anyone forget it, will you?
39:48I wasn't going to say anything of the sort
39:50Of you that won't let anyone forget Battingham
39:54Tony was quite different as a boy
39:57Oh
39:57Billy Bunter, weren't you?
39:59Okay, what's grammar school and how is it different from where you went?
40:04Well, it's increasingly hard to say
40:06Rupert's school cost a lot more
40:08But they didn't spend any of it teaching him manners
40:12Very good, Lady Battingham
40:13I can't imagine you, fat Tony
40:14That's where I got my drive to succeed
40:17I wish Fred Fridge had a drive like that
40:19We can't budge his curls at all
40:20Ha!
40:22Be careful what you wish for, Valerie
40:24It might drive him to some dangerous places
40:28I've been meaning to say, Tony
40:29We've found a presenter for our Caring for the Elderly segment
40:32She's a Jamaican lady living in Cotchester
40:34A 70-year-old widow with an adult daughter
40:37Which makes her a black single mother
40:39Box tape
40:40I was brought up by a black single mother
40:43Can't wait to tune in
40:52She's so exotic, isn't she?
40:54Where's she from?
40:54America, I think
40:55Wayne likes black girls, don't you, Wayne?
40:57What? Shut up!
40:58You've got a picture of Grace Jones when I close on
41:00I saw it in your pants drawer
41:02Oh, it's going so well
41:03The pheasant was divine
41:06Everyone's saying so
41:07I knew you'd be wonderful at this
41:10I'm sorry I should put you in that thing
41:11It was me, you were at the menu's out
41:12That's why the spelling's so bad
41:14Oh, God
41:16You're dyslexia
41:19I'm so sorry
41:20We thought we were taking the mickey out of
41:24Someone else
41:26Well, you cook like a dream
41:28Even if you can't spell for shit
41:54What's your favourite thing about your job?
41:58Well, what a lovely question
42:04Space, up there
42:07Most British satellites use my computers now
42:10And sometimes
42:12I look up at the night sky
42:14And I see a little star winking back at me
42:17And I think
42:18I've made that happen
42:20And it blows my mind
42:23And it blows my mind
42:31Chateau Gatto
42:33This looks divine
42:36Well done, Angel
42:39Well done, Angel
42:52You stupid bitch
42:54What the fuck are you doing?
42:55I'm so sorry
42:56I'm sorry
42:57Oops
42:58Fetch a cloth, Agatha
43:00Don't fetch a cloth
43:01It's Armani
43:01I'll pay for it
43:02Whoa, you couldn't begin to
43:05Needn't be a bitch about it
43:09Come on
43:10This can't get you tidied up
43:12Come with me
43:15Rupert, how could you?
43:21God, that is exactly the kind of crass
43:25I thought she'd like it
43:26God knows her mother would have
43:27Come in home just a buffet
43:28They'd have for you to snack on
43:30Perhaps she's not as innocent as you think she is
43:32And that's a very cheeky little dress
43:34Valerie made her wear it to do the job
43:36Not that you'd understand
43:39With looks like hers
43:40I wouldn't have thought a career was that important
43:41Honestly, Rupert
43:43This was badly done
44:08Get away from me
44:11I thought you wanted me to
44:12Why on earth would you think that?
44:14Well, you like to watch
44:16Well, you might be grown up enough to play, too
44:18You're disgusting and I want nothing to do with you
44:24Taggy
44:24Hang on
44:40Rather traumatic into the evening
44:43All these sobbing women
44:46Valerie, all right
44:48She's chuffed to bits that you're going to dinner
44:51So thank you
44:53So
44:56This bald thing
44:59My vow
44:59She
45:01She's keen for me to get into something more cultural
45:04So why don't you send me over to business plan
45:07I'll look over it
45:09I'll give you a call on Monday
45:27Last night was humiliating
45:30I don't know if I can do this anymore
45:32I don't know if I can do this anymore
45:34You and me
45:35What?
45:36Why?
45:41You were at Valerie Jones' dinner party?
45:45Yeah
45:45I gather you got pudding tipped all over you by my daughter
45:48I'll pay for the cleaning bill
45:49Wouldn't Rupert do that?
45:52It was him who made Taggy drop the pudding when he groped her
45:56He what?
45:57Oh yeah, no, no
46:00He was more than a pinch on the bottom, wasn't he?
46:02I didn't see it at the time, but grope sounds right
46:04I'm sorry, he fucking what?
46:07Yeah, he's a promiscuous libertine, isn't he?
46:11Fondles whoever he likes
46:15Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
46:16Wait, wait
46:17The bastard!
46:18Jesus, when I catch him
46:20I'll interview him to death
46:23You know, that's an idea
46:25Think about it
46:26You go over there and thump him
46:27Who gets to see it?
46:28One housekeeper and a gardener at best
46:31Have him on the show
46:33You can flay him in front of 16 million people
46:37Oh, but you already said you didn't want him, right?
46:38No hinterland
46:39I didn't want him either
46:40I didn't want to give him the exposure
46:41But exposing him
46:44Come on
46:44That's a whole different show, isn't it?
46:46That's where you destroy him
46:48And it lasts a fuck of a lot longer than a black eye
46:52Revenge is a dish best served on television
46:56Thank you
46:56Thank you
47:27Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
47:31Bitzy
47:32Best kids!
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