- 17 hours ago
The Harry Hill Show - Season 1 - Episode 03 Engsub
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:14hello there i'm harry hill and this is my show
00:20hello and welcome to the harry hill show now a number of you have written to me saying how
00:24come you never aged harry how come you look exactly the same as you always have well
00:28i actually take an anti-aging tincture that was given to me by an ancient medicine man called
00:34lionel on the island of um on the island of teacut uh i just take a little bit of that
00:39every day and
00:40as long as i take that then i look pretty much exactly the same in fact i haven't taken my
00:46dose
00:46today i uh and if i don't have it of course i do start aging let me just uh oh
00:51i can't find it
00:52i can't find my aging
01:06i found a bottle
01:15that's better the guest is here daddy oh in that case let's welcome our guest
01:27it's cmat it's cmat welcome cmat hi thanks for coming down thank you you're looking really
01:34really well oh my god thank you so much i i'm actually 61 years old as well oh really yeah
01:41i take the same thing that you take oh the anti-aging tincture anti-aging tincture from the
01:46from the lionel the medicine man yeah yeah have you had your dose today i don't think i have oh
01:53no
01:53oh no so that means that means
02:01what's it oh no what's happening daddy what's happening to cmat i don't know carrie i think
02:07probably she because she's mr daily dose of she's mr daily dose of oh cmat quick look have some of
02:19have
02:20some of mine you wouldn't have any spare oh brilliant just have it oh oh brilliant this one's on me
02:33okay that's really good thank you it works isn't it yeah it does i mean it works surprisingly quickly
02:39that and you know i actually drank some of the liquid that was in that bottle and i believe that
02:43might have actually been vodka it might have been a little bit of vodka i think lionel did used to
02:48use
02:49a bit of vodka to mix the sort of herbs and spices and everything that he used the ancient recipe
02:54keeps it sanitary so cmat listen i i feel like almost uh i know you because i'm such a big
03:02fan
03:02of your record euro country thank you harry and normally what happens with me is that you know one
03:09of my kids says to me oh you must listen to this dad but on this occasion it was the
03:13opposite way
03:13around ice i think i saw you on um uh was it glastonbury maybe it was glastonbury yes i did
03:19that one
03:19fantastic thank you and uh and so i found myself in dublin uh the vicar street um venue
03:28and uh and i filmed that little tribute to you you did did you feel like it was a tribute
03:34i am i can't say that anyone in the in the time of my career has been more disrespectful
03:45about what it is that i do and what it is that i am but i loved it i loved
03:49it very much because i'm a
03:50very big fan of yours also harry well should we remind ourselves of that uh of that clip who could
03:56that be oh hi have you seen that what are you doing here
04:06i mean i it's the wig choice well it was a wig i had there just seen that
04:18it's it's so much of the song it's so much of the song as well you did
04:23it's all in the face isn't it yeah it is all in the face and you see i've got the
04:27top i've got that
04:28you got the top that we did on jimmy kimmel jimmy kimmel yes which i think is may have been
04:33a
04:33tribute from you to um gilbert o'sullivan gilbert o'sullivan it was indeed i haven't got my camera
04:39with me can't help you oh okay then i love you yeah accent no it's we need to talk about
04:47the
04:47accent maybe ting didn't i say ting or something oh okay then i don't sound like that but it's okay
04:52that you think that i do because it's fine but congratulations on the uh on the album thank you
04:57and of course you were nominated for the mercury music prize i was nominated again yeah and you
05:03looked like you were having a great time there i was i would have definitely had a better time if
05:08i
05:08had won actually yeah it's the only thing i would say to that just remind us if i can't remember
05:14who
05:14did win the uh mercury music prize it was it was it was a little guy just just a little
05:22guy um
05:23horrible man really i have no time from it all called sam fender yeah i've heard he's uh he's called
05:28the bad boy of music because he's so horrible to everyone everywhere he goes i've heard that that
05:33he pushed someone into some nettles yes you hear that he did that to me as well when i was
05:38on tour
05:39with him he's always he's always bringing nettles with him everywhere so that he can go i was in a
05:44service station once you know using the stand-up toilet and he pushed me forward so i got it all
05:49over my trousers and he arranged for it to be held up in his home town newcastle yeah newcastle it
05:58felt
05:58like a fix yeah and he actually he chased me around afterwards going i actually have a picture
06:07of it of him doing a rude gesture at me to brag that he'd won over me right yeah this
06:13is this is
06:13not a good man no because you've got to remember you know you can go up but you can also
06:18go
06:19you can go down yeah but you know what sometimes it's better not i think it's sometimes it's better
06:24not to win the thing sometimes it's better just to be nominated because if you win then suddenly
06:30all the pressure's on yeah yeah and there is an element i like to think that the reason i keep
06:36getting nominated for awards and never winning them is because you must have won one i i have the only
06:43award i have won is the choice music prize in ireland shadow ireland for giving me an award but the
06:49united
06:49kingdom has um is that the t same as the tv choice award over here no the choice music prize
06:54is like
06:55the irish mercury prize so it's album of the year which i won for my first record um but basically
07:02every time i've been nominated for an award in the uk i i don't win which is totally fine because
07:08i
07:08actually really like going to the award shows and in a way it's almost as if they're like we really
07:12want cmat to come to these award shows because i always wear a funny little outfit you look great
07:17you're great on camera but if i start winning them then they can't justify me going anymore
07:22right do you know what i mean if i was to start winning they'd be like oh we're sick of
07:25it they
07:26gotta lead you they gotta lead you in yeah i think maybe it's kneecaps messed it up i think they
07:31might
07:31mess it up yeah they don't want us they don't want us winning anything at this point now see matt
07:37we
07:37have got uh an expert on you we've got um basically i don't know how you feel about ai
07:43you're probably a bit conflicted like all of us i don't feel actually good about it at all i'm
07:48actually not conflicted i actually dislike it yeah negative about fully negative about it and i
07:54understand that because it has been used for bad so much but we actually have found a way to use
08:00ai
08:01for good we have a uh sarah the ai bot oh good so sarah stands for in fact um synthetic
08:08oh here
08:08she comes to it's sarah yeah sarah this is an example of of a good use of ai okay sarah
08:15used to
08:16work for the fujitsu uh company you know the ones that introduced the um you know the horizon royal mail
08:22computer accounting system so she used to work for them now uh sarah say hello to cmat hi cmat
08:29oh brother can't hardly believe it she's here all praise to the flame-haired goddess of pop
08:34would you like a twix come on take the twix oh dear i overstepped the mark sorry okay all right
08:43you can take the twix can i take the twix you can try to she's not i think she's changed
08:49her mind
08:50about this she's changed her mind about the twix thank you sarah all right sarah now sarah's
08:55going to tell us a bit about you um from the research she's done off you go okay here goes
09:01pira mary alice thompson known professionally as cmat is an irish musician and singer her songs are
09:07mournful yet accessible emotionally literate and cleverly crafted but crucially with a huge sense
09:14of humor god knows we need that at the moment early life cmat was born in dublin and moved with
09:20her family to cloney and dunboyne in county meave as a child she returned to dublin to study at
09:25trinity college dublin but later dropped out and moved to denmark for three months yeah so you went
09:31to trinity timeline's a bit wrong but i did in fact go to trinity college yeah yeah why'd you why'd
09:36you duck out of that cmat that seems crazy um i had what we would call a full nervous breakdown
09:43oh you had a nervous breakdown yeah a little bit inappropriate for me to sort of probe about that
09:48maybe a little bit naughty very naughty sarah that you've led me down sarah how could you do this oh
09:54daddy you've done it again shut up gary oh i'm sorry to hear that my name is a very high
09:59pressure
09:59environment i imagine they do you know what university is not for everyone and not everyone
10:04has to go and i think that that is fine and it's very expensive and i was a smart girl
10:09and i loved books
10:10and i loved learning and stuff but actually i just wasn't supposed to be in the university just
10:15wasn't for me in my brain yeah so i just had to skedaddle and i started working in a shop
10:19and then
10:20making music basically in my spare time right so with the music thing where did you get the interest
10:25in music from you from a musical family or not at all my family are all like nurses basically my
10:32so i
10:33i've three siblings one of them is a teacher and the other two are nurses and then my mom is
10:38a nurse
10:39and a lot of my like cousins and aunties and uncles and stuff are all in health care so we're
10:43all basically nurses and then pop star um nurses and pop star i just it's a really weird thing like
10:51we grew up in like a quite a normal place in dublin 15 like a normal council state uh sorry
10:58housing
10:58state and um i just thought i was meant to be a pop star right yeah i just thought i
11:04was supposed to
11:04be a pop star like i literally was probably seven years old and i was like mom why have you
11:09not
11:09brought me to hollywood yeah i need to go and audition for the disney channel and become a huge
11:14star and we'll all make so much money and she was like you're delusional shut up and go upstairs
11:19i was like no i just always loved music and i always loved pop stars yeah me too loved pop
11:26stars who
11:26were the pop stars that you liked the number one pop star for me growing up was samantha mumba
11:31because she was from dublin right and she had i wanna love you if you don't love me
11:39don't wanna need you if you don't need me too there's that one and there's all the show me where
11:46i belong tonight give me a reason to stay see the moves they're great all that um and i loved
11:55obviously ireland was pretty good at producing pop stars when i was five the one i like was dana
12:00you like dana yeah oh my god i love dana yeah i mean she was just lovely she was just
12:06lovely and
12:06she's i like the way that she sat on a stool when she won the eurovision yes she's like it's
12:13like a
12:13little snow white didn't she she had that lovely black hair this is how she sat when she won the
12:20eurovision all kinds of everything remind me of you and she did it like that and i find that so
12:27cute so i also love dana yeah i actually did a wood carving of dana did you yeah i should
12:33have
12:33brought it in you should have brought it in perhaps flash uh perhaps i'll send it to you see matt
12:38would
12:38you like uh it's a full size wood just the just the head just the head yeah because i've tired
12:44of
12:44it i would absolutely love a wood carving of dana for my home we will get that i've actually been
12:51looking for wood so this is really good timing not for burning not for no no for my home okay
12:57just
12:57to be clear i've been looking for a focal piece i've just moved into a house this is the furniture
13:02this is this is i think that's why uh i want to get rid of it because i've got other
13:06focal pieces
13:07what other focal pieces do you have um well i did i also at the same time did um which
13:13and this
13:13makes me sound very odd and and just to be clear i am the most normal person i know
13:20um i did errol brown from hot chocolate oh i love hot chocolate i love that band and i did
13:25les grey from mud during the lockdown okay and wood carving so are we talking it's whittling
13:34well i've got a big log uh from actually my brother's a farmer so he supplied these big logs and
13:41i got an
13:41axe and i basically you know hacked away at it and then i painted it with some these are enamel
13:48paints
13:49you get from bar you know when they paint barges yes yes i knew you'd know that i love barges
13:56well you're going to love this uh dana thing well i'm going to get that i'm going to get that
13:59i
14:00can't tell if this is real or not no it is real and it's absolutely real it's tragically if i
14:04had
14:05a photograph i would show you i really want the dana i hope that this is real because if i
14:10don't
14:10get a dana wood carving really soon i'll be really upset i'm already visualizing the plinth that i'm
14:15going to put it on it's got its own plinth it's got its own plinth yeah when i say focal
14:21point i mean
14:21this is i'm going to put it in the middle of my sitting room in front of the television so
14:26we just
14:26look at dana all the time don't put it up next to a radiator i'd say because it would might
14:31the wood
14:31the wood would warp yeah the wood would work okay so that was a bit from sarah about you uh
14:37have you
14:37got anything to add to that sarah career c matt wanted to be a musician from a young age and
14:44relocated
14:44to manchester to pursue a career in music with her then boyfriend performing together as bad sea
14:50english electropop singer charlie xcx advised cmat to reimagine her approach her debut studio album
14:58if my wife knew i'd be dead was released in 2022 the album entered the irish albums chart at number
15:04one she released a single called peter bogdanovich which came with a music video which featured her
15:10dressing as the late director if my wife knew i'd be dead won the choice music prize for irish album
15:15of the year yeah so that was your first album that was my first album yeah straight in at number
15:20one
15:20straight in at number one i've had three of them now so that's nice yeah three in a row again
15:25ireland
15:26the only country to give me trophies because every time you get a number one album you get a little
15:29trophy is there i'm just going to ask is there any money with the mercury music prize do you get
15:34like
15:34oh there is how much i think it was 25 grand yeah yeah so there's a reason to win i
15:40texted sam the
15:41next morning and i said can i borrow 25 000
15:43and he was like oh i think i'm gonna donate it to a local charity i was like yeah i'm
15:50gonna donate it
15:51i'm gonna donate it to a local charity and i was like i'm still in newcastle i'm local yeah but
15:57also
15:57what does that what does that tell you about him that he can just give away 25 you know what
16:01i mean
16:02did he need did he need the price i was looking to buy a damn bust at that time and
16:07i really could
16:07have done with the money i'm gonna say i think the mercury music prize should be means tested
16:13it should be about what you need not what about what's nice yeah no but the videos i mean this
16:19is
16:19what you've got is you've got this really uh interesting visual sense and not everyone has that
16:24and i think you do need that to be a really uh successful pop star thank you and that peter
16:31bogdano
16:32video is i mean that's such a weird do you like that music video i think it's great that's really
16:38really good something you need to know is that my boyfriend directed that music video and he is the
16:42biggest harry hill fan on the planet and he's incredibly incredibly jealous of me being here
16:47today but he actually i asked him if he wanted to come and he couldn't do it because he's too
16:52much
16:52of a fan he was too scared oh right he genuinely couldn't do it i do get that a lot
16:57seen that a lot of
16:57people i think he would have cried i and i think he might cry now that you've said that honestly
17:02this is crazy he's gonna lose his mind he's actually gonna cry i mean i think it's it's i
17:07mean that there's like a dragon with uh eyes that light up or there's a man in a hat peter
17:12bogdanovich
17:12yeah so i'm peter bogdanovich but then also i have like my ego which is the big giant three-man
17:18puppet which he made and it's like and he's got light up eyes because he's like evil because your
17:24ego is evil it just seems like a very odd obscure reference peter bogdanovich it wasn't me no i thought
17:31it was normal yeah i love films and what they've watched the last picture show is that his one i
17:39think yeah the last picture show is like the first big one that he did but we kind of make
17:43reference to
17:45um what's up doc in the thing as well and paper moon so the big three that he would have
17:50done with
17:50polly plant which was his wife who he then ran away and left his wife for a young one when
17:56he made his
17:56first film um well that does happen a lot it does happen don't know that happened to you cmat now
18:02you've
18:02had three number one albums uh sarah do you have anything further to add cmat's next studio album
18:09crasimod for me was released in 2023 it debuted at number one on the irish albums chart it was later
18:17nominated for the best album ivan avello award her third album euro country she describes as the best
18:23thing i have ever made was nominated for the mercury music award she performed at the 2025
18:29glastonbury festival euro country debuted at number one on the irish albums charts and number two in the
18:35uk that's it you're up to date with cmat hold still while i take a sexy picture take a sexy
18:42picture
18:42of the twix drop do you like sarah's trousers do you know what i like how many twixes sarah seems
18:52to
18:52have it's really good do you want you can have that can i have that one as well yeah cma
18:58it's very rude
18:59would you like a um would you like a would you like a chocolate i would love a chocolate please
19:06help
19:06yourself have a have a look if there's any that take your fancy no
19:13not sure
19:17do you know what i think i think i'm all right because it's just a conker it's just the conker
19:22that's left i think all the the good ones always go first the acorns and the the pebbles the conker
19:29very believable as a delicious chocolate though well you can't have that because we need we've got
19:33yeah limited budget we've got nish kumar coming in um so you're now what i like about your country
19:41and sarah did mention this is there's a lot of humor in your uh songs i forgot what a song
19:50was
19:50called then song there's a lot of humor in your songs yes and i mean i'm just going through the
19:56sort of track listing the the titles are very to me are very funny would that be fair yeah i
20:02think
20:03the titles are often funny and some of the imagery is funny but i'm usually talking about something
20:08very sad well that is what's clever about it you know so you've got uh the jamie oliver
20:14petro station immediately you want to hear that i think yeah lord let that tesla crash
20:21now i don't think there's been like funny titles for songs since the smiths yeah you know like
20:28girlfriend in a coma and um what's it shoplifters of the world unite yeah is that would that be a
20:35reference i actually am a really big smiths fan i can't say i'm a morris no we've had to change
20:42our view on we've all had to change our view on morrissey but i really really when i was like
20:4714 i went through that phase of only listening to the smiths yeah and only listening to music from
20:52manchester and i was like everything else is crap that's why you moved to manchester i think it kind
20:57of is a big part of the reason that i moved to manchester because i loved all of the music
21:01that
21:01came from there in the like 80s so much um i honestly i loved morrissey so much at that time
21:07i know i know i did let us down and you know i did him on stars in the rice
21:12did i do you know
21:14i've actually seen it i've actually seen it i don't know why i'm acting like i haven't seen it i've
21:17seen
21:18it yeah it's bad it's bad in fact you know uh the weird thing was i took it as a
21:23bit of a joke
21:24when they said it was really good money that they paid you in those days yeah a lot and um
21:31most money
21:32i'd ever got and you had to go up and i and i was just like thinking oh yeah yeah
21:37blah blah blah
21:37uh punch a bicycle on a hillside you know and um stars in the rice at the time was very
21:44very
21:44mainstream and it was seen as a big risk to go for a bit of indie and i was beaten
21:50by you know who
21:52beat me who kirstie young doing peggy lee oh i bet that was beautiful though was it well
21:59did she do fever she did fever yeah yeah yeah yeah but and she stacked the audience with friends
22:05i think oh it was an audience you think it was a fix you think it was a fix just
22:11like the mercury
22:11prize no question no question you know when i saw you on uh glastonbury you do these fantastic
22:18dances seema and so i assumed that you'd had some sort of training were you ever trained as a
22:22time do you have a choreographer or anything no no never trained amazing never trained i think
22:28i think actually to the train die that's obvious no but i think maybe maybe i make up for it
22:35with
22:35energy i don't know i love to you know i love to dance do you yeah i love to i
22:40mean i would never
22:41do strictly i'd never do like organized dancing but i like to sort of you know freestyle dance you'd
22:45be so good on strictly harry well maybe what are they doing what are they doing well they do ask
22:50me
22:50do they ask yeah yeah they ask me not every year but most years and why would you not do
22:55it
22:55i think now chris mccausland has done it you know he's a blind guy and he won and he's a
23:02comedian
23:03i don't think any comedian after that you're not gonna but bill bailey won as well that was before
23:08chris yeah that was before chris do you think no one's funny is gonna win after chris i think chris
23:14has ruined it for everyone he's blind and he can dance like you know he can he was amazing he
23:21was amazing it was breathtaking uh should we have a dance off oh yeah okay yeah fine yeah me first
23:28okay okay so i sit i just sit and watch
23:34how about this how about this how about this how about this one that's really good
23:41yeah that's really good oh yeah yeah this one's really good yeah
23:51okay brilliant all right so your turn okay do i do i get to pick the music is it the
23:56same music
23:57yeah yeah i feel like i didn't get as loud as an applause but i think i just said it's
23:57something
23:57that's really good yeah yeah i think i didn't get the music is a different music
24:17yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i feel like i didn't get as loud as an applause but i
24:27just noticed
24:27I wasn't as prepared as you were.
24:28Yeah, I didn't feel that was quite.
24:32I think that you may be, no offence,
24:35but I just think that maybe you had a bit of an upper hand
24:38because you knew what the music was going to be.
24:40And I didn't know that it was going to be like a German hurdy-gurdy
24:43that I was going to get.
24:44Are you accusing me of stacking it?
24:46I think, yet again, we have another fix on our hands.
24:50It's the Mercurys all over again.
24:51It's the Mercurys and stars in their eyes all over again.
24:54It's the Fire Hill Show.
24:57Hello, I'm Chris Whitty.
24:59Yeah, you know me.
25:00From the COVID ads.
25:02Yeah, got it?
25:03I'm doing fine, thanks.
25:05Hey, are you fed up with buying avocado pears
25:08that claim to be perfectly ripe
25:10only to find that when you open them
25:12they're rotten with maggot and cockroaches
25:15and mutt coming out of it?
25:16Yuck.
25:17Common problem, right?
25:19That's why my friends at Regency Innovations
25:21have come up with the Chris Whitty Pear Probe.
25:23The Chris Whitty Pear Probe consists of a flexible tube
25:26with the tiny camera on the end
25:28and is similar to the ones that the doctor uses
25:30when he wants to look up your thingy.
25:32Simply sneak into the mini-mart.
25:34Make a tiny hole in the skin of the pear.
25:36Insert the fiber optic camera
25:38and see with your own eyes
25:39the state of the flesh.
25:41Mmm.
25:42OMG and GG
25:43and deliciously ripe avocado pears every time.
25:46The Chris Whitty Pear Probe
25:48can easily be concealed down your tights or trousers
25:50but make sure you always sterilize the teat after use.
25:53Buy a set of two Chris Whitty Pear Probes
25:55and get a free leather carrying holster
25:57so you're never without it.
25:59The Chris Whitty Pear Probe
26:00another princely intervention
26:02from the folks at Regency Innovations.
26:04I love the new Chris Whitty Pear Probe.
26:06Gotta get one.
26:08Hey, you, get off of my pear.
26:11Me.
26:12Regency Innovations.
26:14Princely interventions in an uncaring world.
26:17Now every week we have a theme for the show
26:20where we get an expert in to teach us about something
26:22we don't know necessarily a lot about.
26:24So let's find out what the theme of the week is this week.
26:33WINDMILLS
26:35So we are joined by Rhys Torrington
26:38who is the chairman of the Wimbledon Windmill Museum
26:41and the only UK museum dedicated to windmills.
26:44Now I'm surprised that there is only one museum
26:48dedicated to windmills.
26:50Rhys.
26:51Hi, Rhys.
26:52Hi, good afternoon.
26:54How are you doing in Wimbledon?
26:57Well, actually, I don't know
26:58because I'm sitting in Marbella this afternoon
27:00pretending to be in the sun,
27:01but it's pouring with rain.
27:02Oh, you're in Marbella.
27:04Wow, that's really nice.
27:06Yeah, so there's money in windmills.
27:08There is money in windmills,
27:09but it's stuck out for some sun.
27:11Now I was going to say,
27:12why were you surprised
27:12that there's only one museum dedicated to windmills?
27:16Because there's lots of windmills
27:17that are open to the public,
27:18but they tend to be about that windmill.
27:21Right, yeah.
27:22As opposed to windmills in general.
27:24So we do both.
27:25Oh, I see.
27:26And is there a windmill?
27:27Feel free to jump in at any time, of course,
27:29Keira, CMAT.
27:31Sorry, I should introduce you.
27:32Sorry, Rhys.
27:32This is CMAT, of course.
27:35You're familiar with?
27:36Hi, CMAT.
27:37Yeah.
27:37Hi, Rhys.
27:39Hi.
27:39How are you?
27:40I'm really good.
27:41You're looking really relaxed on the couch.
27:44I feel really relaxed.
27:45Have you ever been to the windmill in Brixton?
27:47I have indeed, yes.
27:48Yeah, I bet you have.
27:49They're our partners.
27:50What?
27:51Oh, they're your partners.
27:52We sell their flour because they still make flour and we sell it.
27:57I, okay.
27:58I didn't know it was a working.
27:59Wait, we might be talking about a different windmill because I'm talking about a venue.
28:03A pub.
28:03A music venue that's famous for the windmill scene in South East London.
28:08There is a Brixton windmill.
28:10Well, that might be why it's called the windmill.
28:13Yeah.
28:13Has it got, like, a big fan on top?
28:18Not off the top of my head, I don't think so.
28:21Where in Brixton, I mean, you know, we've moved ahead here,
28:24but where in Brixton is the actual working windmill?
28:27I've never seen a working windmill in Brixton.
28:29That's because it doesn't really work very well.
28:32They have an electric motor inside, which does produce flour.
28:37Okay.
28:37But there is a windmill there.
28:38It's pretty much in the center.
28:40There's a garden all right around the outside.
28:42A lot of people go there for the gardens.
28:44Right, rather than the windmill.
28:46So let's go down.
28:47Can we just go from basics first, Rhys?
28:51Now, these questions may appear rather flippant, but they're not intended.
28:56It's for anyone tuning in who really is starting at the kind of bottom of the information ladder
29:03as far as windmills goes.
29:05Just explain to us, what is a windmill?
29:08A windmill is a way of using the power of the wind for free to take grain and turn it
29:15into flour.
29:16Right.
29:16Yeah, that's good.
29:17And I specifically said windmill because there are other devices that look like windmills
29:24that don't make grain but do other things.
29:27For example, they pump water out of the Dutch polders or the East Anglian fens.
29:33Oh, okay.
29:34Now, this is something we were talking about, Sima.
29:36We just happened to be talking about windmills earlier, didn't we?
29:39I just, I actually did because I just watched a short YouTube documentary recently on the
29:45Dutch polders and I thought, oh, I thought all of the windmills in the Netherlands kind
29:50of became, what's the word when they're not?
29:55Obsolete.
29:56I thought all the windmills in the Netherlands became obsolete when they reclaimed all the
30:00land back because they were just pumping out the water all the time because of the flooding.
30:04Yeah.
30:04And are they obsolete?
30:07No.
30:08No.
30:08No, most of them still work.
30:11Wow.
30:12Well, nature's a weird thing, but you can't permanently reclaim land.
30:15It will always seep back in through the water table.
30:18Wow.
30:19So those areas are always going to be damp.
30:22And if you look at any Dutch fields, they're always going to have small canals, small little
30:27ditches around the outside that fill up with water and those have to be pumped out.
30:33And the easiest way of doing it is with windmills.
30:35Now, they don't have to be big ones.
30:36You might see lots and lots of small ones, but they're all working pumps.
30:40What is the biggest windmill that you've ever seen, Rhys, in your experience?
30:46There is an eight-story windmill that looks a bit like a lighthouse because it's made out
30:54of brick and it's striped similarly with veins on it.
30:58And that is just in Cambridge, sir.
31:02Oh, right.
31:02It's still there.
31:04Yeah, because they do have something in common, don't they?
31:07The lighthouse and the windmill.
31:09You know, it's a fine line.
31:10They do.
31:10It's a fine line.
31:11Well, look, actually, it's closer than you think, Harry, because those windmills often
31:18are used as a way of sending signals.
31:20Now, clearly, the lighthouse sends a signal, stay away, there's rocks here.
31:24But when windmills first started, they were a fairly basic form of semaphore that you could
31:30send messages to people in the village to let them know what was going on.
31:33Right.
31:34So what sort of messages would those be?
31:36Party tonight at the windmill?
31:38Well, it could be.
31:40It could be.
31:41Another one could be, I've gone off for lunch, so don't bother turn up with your cart.
31:45I'm not going to deal with your grain until tomorrow.
31:47Right.
31:48Or something like that.
31:49Interesting.
31:49But it could be something more important.
31:51I mean, just the same way as we have beacons that nowadays we use to celebrate coronations
31:57or whatever, they would pass a message quite quickly, given that you would bring the blades
32:02to the sails to a stop, and that would be a way of sending a particular message.
32:07So you'd have some basic things that would be in your book, and if you could pass that
32:11along from one windmill to another, then you'd be sending the message.
32:15And what sort of time are we talking about?
32:17When the windmills first appear, would you say?
32:21They first appeared in Iran in about the 8th century, and the first ones were cropping
32:27up in Europe in the 12th century, and basically following that line from the Middle East through
32:34Balkans and whatever, and then through Greece, and then into Northern Europe.
32:39Right.
32:39Okay.
32:40So the first ones were showed up here probably in the early 1600s.
32:44Right.
32:44And where were those first ones?
32:46Well, funnily enough, in East Anglia, because it's very flat.
32:49It was just, it's flat, and flat means wind, and also due purpose.
32:57Flatulence means wind as well.
32:59It does, and what a surprise.
33:02I wonder if that's related in any way.
33:04I never thought of that.
33:05Well, you make a good point, because when I do tours for schools and whatever, no, it's
33:11okay.
33:11Compliments come for free.
33:13When I do tours for schools.
33:17You do tours for schools?
33:19Well, educational stuff.
33:21It's amazing how much fun kids get out of a museum that doesn't have a single flat screen
33:27in it.
33:28Right.
33:28They actually get to play with things.
33:30They grind their own flour.
33:31Yeah.
33:32There's so many words that we use in the English language that come from elements of milling
33:38that we don't recognize as coming, that being their origin, but the language is full of
33:44them.
33:44Yeah.
33:45Go on, then.
33:46All right.
33:47Now, for example, before you can grind any grain, you have to go out into the fields,
33:52and that can be fairly hot and sweaty.
33:54So to come cut down the sheaves of wheat, you'd take some water out with you and you'd put
34:01it into a little clay pot.
34:03And at the end of the day, you'd go into the pub and you'd want to have a drink and
34:08the
34:08landlord might refuse to serve you because you're swaying all over the place like you've
34:12already had six too many.
34:14And he'd say, I'm sorry, I'm not serving you, you're potty.
34:18And that's because the clay pots that were out there that they were drinking from were
34:22covered in lead glaze and they were all slowly poisoning themselves with the lead.
34:26Oh, I see.
34:27So that's where the word potty comes from.
34:29What about milling about?
34:32Good one.
34:32Yes.
34:33Milling about.
34:34Yeah.
34:34I have no idea whether that's got anything to do with it.
34:37It could well be.
34:38I mean, it could be because you go around and around in circles because wind is...
34:44Like a windmill.
34:45Another point, I said wind could be for use for grinding grain or for pumping water, but
34:53equally well, wind isn't the only way to grind grain.
34:56All you're doing is looking for a power source.
34:59So in some countries, that could be a horse or a person walking round and round in circles,
35:06dragging one of these stones around, or as in a lot of the cases in the UK, it would be
35:13water.
35:13It would be a water mill.
35:15Yeah.
35:15That description, going round and round in circles, dragging a very heavy object, is
35:19a little bit like a career in show business.
35:23Well, only you would know that.
35:26It comes straight back.
35:28It comes straight back of me.
35:29Oh, wow.
35:30And so I think you've answered this question.
35:33Do they still work?
35:33There's still some working windmills?
35:36Yeah.
35:37Not working for profit, but some of them work for tourism.
35:41Tourism.
35:41We turn our sails probably once a month.
35:47Right.
35:47But that's not really to grind any corn.
35:49There are downsides to really working with corn, which is just like those Dutch windmills
35:55in Amsterdam.
35:55They attract mice.
35:57So if you're going to do a lot of things with flour and grain, you've got all sorts of other
36:03hoops to jump through to make certain that it's not full of mice, poo and whatever.
36:07So most people just do it for demonstrations as opposed to making saleable flour.
36:12Brixton is the flip side.
36:14It doesn't work as a wind-powered windmill anymore, but it does commercially produce flour
36:19from grain.
36:20One last question, Rhys.
36:22How do you feel about wind farms with these huge wind?
36:27They call them windmills, don't they, still?
36:29A lot of people do.
36:30Wind turbines.
36:31They do.
36:32Wind turbines.
36:33How do you feel about this?
36:33Well, very enthusiastic, very enthusiastic, because it's a great way of generating the
36:39same way as we do with a windmill, using nature's power for free.
36:44Now, not entirely for free, but it's a downside freer than digging up coal and polluting the
36:48planet.
36:49So no, we're very enthusiastic about that, and we have a working model of a wind turbine
36:53in the museum, and part of the school tours is to make that link between what's happened
36:59through the centuries, and now here's another use for wind, turning the turbines that can
37:04put the lights on in your school.
37:06Great.
37:07Windmills are back, is what you're saying, I think.
37:09No, windmills never went away.
37:11Never went away.
37:12Oh, they never went away.
37:14Woo!
37:15Well, Rhys, it's been lovely talking to you.
37:17Is there a website or some information that we should let people know about if they want
37:22to find more?
37:22Yep.
37:23www.wimbledonwindmill.org.uk
37:28Fantastic.
37:29All right, Rhys, thank you so much.
37:30Nice talking to you.
37:31It's the Harry Hill Show.
37:33So, C-Match, what do you like on gardening, horticulture, that sort of thing?
37:39I used to really love it, but I now live in London, where there is no grass, basically.
37:46No, we ate it all, I'm afraid.
37:47Yeah.
37:48Yeah, so, not super good right now, but when I lived with my nanny and granddad for very
37:56many years, and my granddad grows loads of our vegetables out the back garden in Dublin.
38:02Lovely.
38:02Well, let's find out as we play Name the Seed.
38:06Ooh.
38:07Name the Seed.
38:12Now, in this sealed Ziploc bag, C-Match, I have got a box of, actually, it wasn't sealed.
38:20That is naughty.
38:22That is very, that is very unprofessional, and I apologize.
38:29You see this box here?
38:31Yeah.
38:31It contains a number of sachets of seeds.
38:33Can you see how many seeds?
38:36It says over 8,000 seeds.
38:38Over 8,000 seeds.
38:39He hasn't seeds.
38:40To pick.
38:40Now, I'm going to, at random, pick a sachet of seeds.
38:44I'm going to take the seed out, and I'm going to place it on the Name the Seed display unit,
38:52and I'm going to ask you to see if you can name it.
38:55Okay.
38:56You up for that?
38:57Yeah.
38:57What does the button do?
38:59You'll find out.
39:00Oh, okay.
39:00Yeah.
39:01Then, for anyone watching at home who doesn't want to know what the seed is, turn away now.
39:10Okay.
39:10We just want one, oh, yeah.
39:13We just want one seed, really.
39:15Should I close my eyes until it's on the display unit?
39:17You can close your eyes.
39:18Okay, well.
39:19I might add to the drama.
39:20So, I'm going to place the seed on the display unit.
39:24Now, I should explain the rules.
39:26Uh-huh.
39:27As the display unit's, as the display, I'm getting quite emotional about it.
39:32Yeah.
39:33As the display unit rises, okay, you must look at the seed and decide whether you want
39:39to accept that seed or change that seed.
39:42Okay.
39:42So, do you want to name that seed or change it?
39:44You have one opportunity to change the seed if you think you might be given a seed which
39:49you're more likely to recognize.
39:51Okay.
39:51Or you can go with the seed that you've been allocated.
39:54Okay.
39:54All right?
39:55Is that clear?
39:55Yes, that's really clear.
39:57Let's play Name the Seed.
40:02So, do you need to come?
40:03Okay.
40:04Yeah.
40:04Okay.
40:04Yeah.
40:05I need to come right up with it.
40:06Oh, no.
40:07I've missed it now.
40:09How tall are you, C-Math?
40:10I'm five foot two and I'm wearing platform.
40:14Do you want to stand on me?
40:16Oh, I can stand on this?
40:20We've lost the seed.
40:22We've lost the seed.
40:25And we nearly took C-Math's eye out.
40:28Where's the seed gone?
40:29Where's the seed?
40:29All right, I'll get another one.
40:30It's the same.
40:31No, we can find the seed.
40:32Hang on.
40:34Hang on.
40:35Hang on.
40:36Hang on.
40:36It's the same packet.
40:37Okay.
40:38It's the same packet.
40:38Okay.
40:39So, it's the same packet.
40:40Okay.
40:41Oh.
40:42Do you want to...
40:43Or do you want to change?
40:45I think I might know what that...
40:46Wait.
40:47Can I press this and make the song happen again?
40:49Yes.
40:50Make the seed.
40:51Make the seed.
40:52Make the seed.
40:52Make the seed.
40:54Make the seed.
40:55Make the seed.
40:57Make the seed.
40:57Make the seed.
40:58Okay.
40:59What do you see?
40:59First, you want to describe the seed.
41:02So, it's little.
41:03Yes.
41:04It's a little seed.
41:06Not the smallest seed you've ever seen.
41:08Not the smallest seed I've ever seen.
41:10I would say poppy seed is smaller than that seed.
41:12It's quite yellowish.
41:13And it's quite...
41:15It's quite round, although not entirely.
41:18Can I touch the seed or is that illegal?
41:20Let me just...
41:22You can touch the seed.
41:24You can touch the seed, yeah.
41:26Yeah.
41:28So...
41:29Oh, look.
41:29Yes, there's a different side of it.
41:31It's actually more expressive in some ways, isn't it?
41:34So, I feel like...
41:36I'm going to put it back on the display.
41:38Are you ready to name the seed?
41:42I'm actually getting quite competitive about this because I think...
41:45I feel that.
41:45I think I have a good idea of what it is.
41:48Are you looking for the Latin name?
41:52I'll be happy with the normal name.
41:55Okay.
41:55Whatever the opposite of a Latin name is.
41:57But either.
41:58Either will do.
41:58Do you think I have to go for a specific...
42:00A really specific breed or just a general breed of what?
42:03A general breed's fine.
42:04I think it's a chilli seed.
42:06Are you saying chilli seed?
42:08I'm saying it's a chilli seed.
42:09Final answer.
42:09Final answer.
42:10Is it a chilli seed?
42:12It's not a chilli seed.
42:15I am so sorry, Seema.
42:17So, what happens now is I'm going to give you the...
42:18Hold your hand up for me.
42:20I'm going to give you that seed.
42:21Mm-hmm.
42:22And you're going to plant that seed.
42:24And when it comes up, you'll find out what that seed is.
42:28Okay.
42:29That was Name the Seed.
42:31Name the Seed.
42:40Gary's Joke Corner.
42:42It's time for Gary's Joke Corner.
42:43Now, Seema, as you know, my son, Gary, from my first marriage.
42:47Hello.
42:47Yes, I'm still here.
42:48I'm handing the business over to him in 2030.
42:51I'm retiring from show business, and so he's taking over.
42:54So, he is looking for jokes.
42:55Do you have a favourite joke that Gary might be able to use?
42:58Yeah, I have a favourite joke.
43:00What do you call a donkey with tree legs?
43:03I don't know.
43:04Let me just think.
43:06A donkey with three...
43:07Is it Eeyore?
43:10No, Eeyore always calls me that as a different donkey joke, right?
43:13It's a different donkey joke, yeah.
43:14It's a donkey with three legs, haven't I?
43:16No, I give up.
43:18A wonky.
43:19A wonky.
43:21Wonky donkey.
43:22Wonky.
43:23Remember wonky donkey.
43:23It's good, isn't it?
43:24Yeah, wonky donkey.
43:25I love that one.
43:26So, Gary, are you going to do your joke?
43:27Yes, okay, Daddy.
43:30Don't make that noise, Gary.
43:31It'll limit your appeal.
43:31I've told you that.
43:34Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.
43:36Every time I put a specific ELO track on the turntable, my wife jumps up.
43:42Your wife, Gary?
43:43Go with it, Gary.
43:44It's just for the joke.
43:45All right.
43:47My wife jumps up and shouts, humbug.
43:50Sweet talking woman?
43:52No, Mr. Blue Sky.
43:59It needs a bit of work, Gary, shall we?
44:02That is the sound that tells me that it's the end of the podcast.
44:08You'll be relieved to hear, see, Matt.
44:11If you have a joke or a comment or anything you like, really, then do please email it to
44:16us at podcast at harryhill.co.uk.
44:19All the remains is to thank our expert, Rhys Torrington from the Wimbledon Windmill Museum,
44:25and, of course, our special guest, CMAT.
44:31Butterfly in blue jeans, hamster in a chiffon top, puppy in a poncho, fluffy duckling with a bob.
44:45Butterfly in blue jeans, these are the things of our dreams.
44:52Of our dreams, of our dreams, of our dreams.
44:55These are the things.
44:58Good night, everyone.
44:59Thanks for watching.
45:01Of our dreams.
45:14Harry Hill Show.
45:21Harry Hill Show.
45:26Harry Hill Show.
Comments