00:05Spider-Man, he was the hero of our childhood.
00:09We all tried to copy him.
00:11Back then becoming Superman or Batman was easy.
00:14You just tied a towel around your neck and wore your underwear over your pants.
00:20But Spider-Man, that was the ultimate challenge because to get the look right, you basically
00:26had to wear your underwear on your face.
00:30Anyway let's talk about Marvel's Spider-Man Remastered.
00:34It's a masterpiece.
00:37But forget the origin story you know.
00:40Let's look at the real version.
00:46The scene opens in a room that smells like regret.
00:50We see frames of people he doesn't know.
00:54Shelves full of second-hand textbooks bought from sketchy alleyways.
00:59Expressive and borderline offensive sketches on the notebook.
01:07And a three-days-old take-out box acting as a science experiment.
01:13There's a laptop filled with adult research.
01:19And, of course, a pile of cheat sheets for his upcoming exams.
01:31Our hero Peter Parker crawls out of bed at 10am.
01:35He checks his knock-off phone only to find a voicemail from the local cybercrime unit.
01:46Apparently, after a night of sending send-newts DMs to random women, the authorities aren't
01:52arresting him.
01:56They're demanding him forward the content to them for investigation and advising him to
02:01collect better HD quality stuff next time.
02:07In a rush, Peter eats breakfast while sliding into the spidey suit.
02:11He tops it off with his favorite red sleeveless underwear worn as a mask.
02:18It hasn't been washed in three days and the smell is aggressive.
02:23But Peter is a total slob.
02:25So he just breathes through his mouth and deals with it.
02:29He leaps out the window to begin his web-swinging adventures.
02:33Now, there's a massive misconception about his webs.
02:37Most people think it's tech or biology.
02:41Here's the truth.
02:44He wasn't bitten on the hand by a radioactive spider.
02:48He was bitten on his nipple by a common bathroom spider.
02:54This caused glands to form on his wrist that secrete a high-pressure protein-rich paternal
03:00milk.
03:06When this liquid heats the air, it hardens into what looks like a web.
03:11Yeah, let that sink in.
03:25While swinging around, he spots a group of local community leaders.
03:29Basically, street thugs and corrupted union workers, extorting shopkeepers at gunpoint.
03:36Spider-Man drops in and gives them a physical education lesson they won't forget, showing
03:42them exactly where they can shove their protection money.
03:56Between the punches, Peter can't help but flirt with the passing acquaintance his bit of a
04:02loose cannon.
04:09Ever since that spider bite, he's become as spineless as an actual invertebrate when it comes to the commitment.
04:21The chase leads Peter into the local political headquarters.
04:25After crashing through the blast, it's a total free-for-all.
04:34Eventually, he meets the committee chairman, a man wearing a full three-piece suit despite
04:39of 100-degree weather.
04:56The chairman isn't happy after a chaotic brawl with the henchmen.
05:10Spider-Man blasts his paternal milk directly into the chairman's face.
05:25Spider-Man grabs Peter and slams him into the floor to test the durability of the tiles.
05:32Spider-Man blasts him into the ground.
05:42The fight gets awkward.
05:45They're rolling around, flipping each other over in sometimes missionary, sometimes cowgirl
05:52style and grappling in positions that looks more like a bad yoga class than a superhero fight.
06:05Spider-Man uses his paternal secretions to web the chairman like a ceiling fan, leaving him
06:11spinning like a dizzy disco ball.
06:19So if you enjoyed this authentic retelling of Spider-Man, make sure to hit that like button,
06:25leave a comment and subscribe.
06:26If this video gets enough love, I will be back with the next episode of Peter's Questionable
06:32Life.
06:33Peace out.
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