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00:03Tonight we peek behind the curtains and pull back the bedsheets to reveal the truth about Rupert Campbell Black.
00:10On the night before he asks voters to elect him Member of Parliament for Chalford and Bisley,
00:15we ask how a man like this gains a free pass to the highest offices in the land.
00:20Rupert Campbell Black, showjumper and showman, charlatan and conman.
00:24Catapulted into a safe seat, he now enjoys an unusually close relationship with the Prime Minister.
00:29Who created the role of Minister for Sport, especially for him.
00:32Tony said we were doing Joan Collins this week.
00:36Hastily covered up flings with several Tory colleagues' wives, including our very own Sarah Stratton,
00:42recently married to MP Paul Stratton, and Amanda,
00:45the wife of Foreign Secretary Rollo Hamilton.
00:48Secretly recorded tapes recently come into our possession reveal Campbell Black's cavalier attitude towards these conquests.
00:54Oh Christ.
00:56So, Melanie Hamilton, you know she used to get me to spank her?
01:00Call her the hairbrush.
01:01Daddy.
01:02God, Peter.
01:03Earlier, I interviewed a woman who was a participant at a group sex session in a Soho art studio.
01:09What's happening?
01:09In the mid-60s.
01:11Roll the tape.
01:12Can you tell me who was present on that particular occasion?
01:15A number of rock stars.
01:16Hmm.
01:17At least one of them was in the Stones.
01:19A couple of footballers.
01:20The American actor, Johnny, Johnny Friedlander.
01:23Yes.
01:24And Rupert Campbell Black.
01:25You don't forget that silky voice.
01:27Hmm.
01:27And did Mr. Campbell Black engage in the group sex enthusiastically?
01:32No one was disappointed, put it that way.
01:34And I have to ask, in this age of AIDS, was anyone there using protection?
01:40Protection.
01:41And we're all high as guides.
01:43I've always said, Fred, Fred.
01:45Now he's going to give us all AIDS.
01:47And this sexual deviance was cited in their divorce proceedings by his ex-wife, Helen.
01:52I'm not talking about him, okay?
01:53Please get off my driver.
01:54Can I ask, get off?
01:55Get off, boy!
01:56Mrs. Gordon!
01:57Oh, my...
01:58Mrs. Gordon!
01:59I think that's no comment.
02:01Helen Gordon, previously Helen Campbell Black, was involved in a foursome with Campbell Black and his show-jumping teammates while
02:07on holiday in Kenya.
02:08What's a foursome?
02:09What are you doing out of bed?
02:11Plus, we can now reveal some uncomfortable...
02:13It is another word for a quartet.
02:16At the same time as seducing Carinium's former controller of programs, Cameron Cook, Mr. Campbell Black hunted closer to home,
02:23beginning a relationship with Declan O'Hara's daughter, Agatha, a girl 17 years his junior.
02:29For fuck's sake.
02:30Begging the question, what sort of a man preys upon the young daughter of his colleague and friend?
02:35So, what does the Prime Minister think of the politician once referred to as her blue-eyed boy?
02:40Unfortunately, no one from Mrs. Thatcher's office was available to comment.
02:44But Campbell Black doesn't seem to return her regard in this recording from 1985.
02:48Well, Tame.
02:50You know why they call her Milk Snatcher? It's not taking dairy products from kids. It's because she's got a
02:55milky sn...
02:57With the polls opening in ten hours, we ask, how can a pervert and sexual deviant like Rupert Campbell Black
03:03be allowed to represent the fine people of Great Britain?
03:09Fuuuuck!
03:16You gotta speed it up, and then you gotta slow it down.
03:22Cause if you believe that a love can hit the top, you gotta play around.
03:27But soon you will find that there comes a time for making your mind up.
03:32You've got to turn it on and then you've got to pull it out. You've got to be sure that
03:38it's something else. Everybody's going to talk to me. You've got to decide that the time won't run for making
03:45your mind up.
03:49We're here at the home of Mr. Rupert Campbell Black, minister for sport and subject of last night's extraordinary unscented
03:55allegations. We're going to try and get a few words from him as he arrives and is having a day
03:58on election day. Mr. Campbell Black, hello Mr. Campbell Black, any comments on the unscented documenting last night?
04:05Hello, good morning everyone. Happy election day. Don't look too disappointed.
04:10Morning. Message from CCHQ says we press ahead with Rupert's scheduled appearances today. No reference to the broadcast. Everything pointed
04:20towards getting out a vote. How's he doing? I tried to call, but...
04:24See for yourself. As the country heads to the polls today for the general election, the question on everyone's lips
04:30isn't whether or not Mrs. Thatcher's conservative government can hold on to power.
04:34But how can Rupert Campbell Black ever come back from such a destructive expose?
04:43Has he been drinking all morning? He's been drinking all night. He hasn't been to bed. But it's election day.
04:49Yep.
04:50Can you persuade him to stop? Really?
04:57I'm going to call Helen again. Oh, he's been trying out all morning. She's going to go form a dare
05:01on me after this.
05:15I'm going to call uncomfortable when the Sabbat team enviro plaing against the Coast Guard.
05:17Yeah. Rupert please? Rupert please? Rupert will have a...
05:19Yeah. Rupert, please, I... What Rupert.. Rupert... Rupert, please. Rupert, get him here. Rupert, get him here. Rupert...
05:23Rupert... Rupert... H Um...
05:26Math Clonejen...
05:27How much are you?
05:29Minister, any comments on Uncensored last night?
05:33Any comments on Uncensored last night?
05:34Beautiful morning, ladies and gentlemen.
05:40Don't forget to vote.
05:58Right!
06:08Gonna pick up Caitlin from school.
06:10Alright.
06:15Is this journalism her, Daddy?
06:17Destroying people's private lives. I mean, the things she said about him.
06:19BC is not the brilliant journalist she thinks she is.
06:24God, I hate that he got you caught up in all this.
06:28What's it mean for Ventra?
06:31Don't know, love.
06:33Don't know.
06:37I'm disappointed, Tony.
06:38You do things like this in my name as well as yours.
06:41We're a partnership, a unit, and we're strong.
06:44And we agreed that you wouldn't deal in dirty tricks any longer.
06:47I know you and Rupert have your differences, but it's poor wife and children.
06:51Who's that?
06:53That's your present.
07:02Oh, Tony.
07:05Happy anniversary, darling.
07:06Oh, but it's not until Tuesday.
07:08Not in early.
07:09I thought you couldn't stand peacocks.
07:12You always say they look like rats in ball gowns.
07:15The falconry has been without peacocks since you were a Deb.
07:17It's taken me far too long to set it right.
07:19Mummy would be thrilled.
07:21No.
07:22I'll need to be careful not to speed up the drive later.
07:24I know.
07:26I haven't got you anything yet.
07:28Why don't you come to a doll's house with me this evening?
07:31Oh.
07:31I'll shout you an ice cream in the interval.
07:33You want me to enjoy an evening of Ibsen?
07:35On the day of the general election?
07:36Well, there's no point sitting on the sofa waiting for the polls to close.
07:39We'll spend the evening together.
07:40Well, it'll be good.
07:43Well, you know how I love the theatre.
07:54Vroom, vroom.
07:57They're beautiful, though.
07:59Helen!
08:00Helen, open the door!
08:03You can't stop me seeing my children, Helen!
08:05I swear to God, I'll break this down!
08:09Stand down!
08:11Do you mind removing your bloody finger from my doorbell?
08:17Helen's at school with Tabitha.
08:19I don't suppose you're aware of anything as parochial as the date of your daughter's sports day.
08:24You're not running in the father's race?
08:25I don't qualify.
08:30You haven't been to bed, have you?
08:32You know what? I'm not taking a lecture from you today, Melanie.
08:35Fuck you! Fuck Helen!
08:36I need to see my children!
08:38I'm their father!
08:39Have you forgotten what that's like?
08:54Don't you dare talk to me about being a father.
08:58You need to sober up.
09:03How come you didn't know what he was planning?
09:05I can't manage Mother by myself anymore.
09:08I've been off work moving her into a home.
09:10Tony has been so kind.
09:12He told me to take off all the time that I needed, even when we had an episode of Uncensored
09:16to prep.
09:16Kind or strategic?
09:18I thought he was being supportive, subterfuge, as extremely stressful, you know.
09:21We need to get you back to work.
09:23Find out what Tony's doing next.
09:24But he's got what he wants.
09:26Rupert's on his knees.
09:27That'll never be enough for Tony.
09:29He'll be coming for the rest of us.
09:33Do you think so?
09:35What do you mean?
09:37The fiendish of you could take a good run of the bed the whole time.
09:41It's amazing what men will spill after they've spilled.
09:44What can I say? You truly are guardian of the nation's morals.
09:49We aim to please.
09:50You're about as keen to please as a nuclear warhead.
09:53As you say, Tony, I'm a public servant.
09:55You're a public toilet.
09:57I don't think it was a bit cruel.
09:59You don't know what he did to me.
10:01Proportionate response, Joyce.
10:02Good night's work, everyone. On we go.
10:09Are you hungry?
10:11A big kill like this always makes me voracious.
10:14I could murder a martini and a bloody steak.
10:18I know, a little hotel.
10:21Very discreet.
10:23We'd be back in plenty of time for the election special.
10:27What an enticing offer.
10:30I'm afraid I'm going to the theatre with my wife tonight.
10:40That bump to the head really did change you, Tony.
10:47Elegantly handled.
10:48It's like prising off a scorpion before it stings you.
10:53All right, quiet down, everyone.
10:56I'm sorry that our first Venture Board meeting is being convened at a moment of crisis.
11:01Let's make this an orderly discussion.
11:03I know how these things can get emotional.
11:06So, Declan?
11:07Thank you, Freddie.
11:09So, bad news first.
11:12The BBC have dropped our Yates documentary.
11:14What?
11:15They can't be tainted by association.
11:18Also, I've had word from Charles that Lady Gosling would like to speak to me about the franchise bit.
11:23Is anyone else going to say it?
11:25Rupert should resign from the board.
11:27No.
11:28Now, hold on a minute.
11:28The IDA is run by a woman.
11:30And as a woman, I have to say that some of the comments we heard on the television last night
11:34were very hard to stand.
11:36They were private comments.
11:37He didn't know Beattie had a tape recorder under the bed.
11:39She liked him talking about other women he'd been with.
11:41It was her thing.
11:42If this were anybody else, wouldn't we be demanding that they resign?
11:46As a group, what values do we stand for?
11:53Right, come on.
11:54Easy there.
11:55Easy.
11:57So, we'll go in the order they're called.
11:59James, James.
11:59Probably Cochester first, then Rutminster.
12:02Rutminster, Gloucester, Chalfan and Bisley.
12:04Big swing for the Tories.
12:05We have Beattie Johnson presenting the show.
12:07Watch your feet there.
12:08And James Verica, of course, back on his trusty swing-o-meter.
12:11Everyone, this is Mrs Mingus Scott, who's joining Lady Gosling on the board of the IBA.
12:16After a ten-year stint, chairing the Women's Institute.
12:20So, used to making big decisions.
12:23All set for tonight, gang.
12:24Hopefully I won't have to do too much swinging this evening, Lady Gosling.
12:27And, um, Reverend Penny.
12:28Congratulations on your Campbell Black expose, Miss Johnson.
12:32I will end the haughtiness of the arrogant and lay low the pride of the ruthless.
12:36Let he that is without sin cast the first stone.
12:40Well, thank goodness that Campbell Black chose that little venturer set up over the Carinium Board.
12:45I'm sure the IBA will align with the public to take a stern view on his behaviour.
12:48I shall be speaking to Mr O'Hara in due course.
12:51One thing I'm curious about, Lord Battingham.
12:52Yes?
12:53As a prominent supporter of the government, isn't it rather an own goal to demolish Campbell Black's reputation the night
12:59before the country goes to the polls?
13:01Well, Sally, as someone who cares deeply about the reputation of our political system, I would say it's paramount we
13:06make it clear to the country that we see no place for behaviour like Campbell Black's in the modern government,
13:12which is, of course, bigger than any individual member.
13:15Can't help thinking Mrs Thatcher would agree.
13:18Rupert always had a rapier wit.
13:20Milk snatcher.
13:22I spat out my sherry.
13:25Sorry.
13:29Archie's been writing to me at school.
13:31Archie Berningham.
13:32Caitlin.
13:32He sent me a mixtape.
13:33It's mostly metal, but he also put Caravan of Love on it, so either he loves me or he wants
13:37to have sex in Caravan.
13:39It's not just Rupert's reputation.
13:41If he's losing us work, it's a problem.
13:43I'm here to make telly.
13:44The Yates programme is your baby.
13:45We sell it somewhere else, Mike.
13:47Will anyone else take it now?
13:48I've had the Archbishop of Canterbury on the phone.
13:51This is a very difficult position for those of us on the board as moral advisers.
13:56Aye, so I'll just rubbish anyway.
13:58Well, it's actually all true, Wes.
13:59I was at that party with Johnny Friedland, and believe me, Rupert's never been monogamous in his life.
14:05I mean, until now.
14:06So even the tree woman at once thinks?
14:08Well, it sounds jolly-touch.
14:10Look at you.
14:11You're all as bad as each other, snickering schoolboys.
14:14Okay, I think it should take more than a corinium smear campaign to pull us apart.
14:18Freddie, you're very quiet.
14:21We'll struggle to do it without Rupert.
14:24It's not just the profile.
14:26We need his financial stake.
14:28But?
14:29But a good public reputation is crucial for a company,
14:33and Rupert's flushed ours down the cars.
14:37I spoke to my father.
14:39What did he say?
14:41Toshi?
14:42What did he say?
14:44What did he say?
14:44I was able to cover Rupert's融資.
14:48But?
14:49I was able to leave Rupert and Rupert.
14:55So...
14:56Toshi's dead.
14:57We'll cover Rupert's stake.
15:00But he needs to know that he's not part of the company anymore.
15:04Phone, Daddy.
15:05Not now, sweetheart.
15:07It is for me.
15:07She says it's urgent.
15:09God.
15:10Just press pause, okay?
15:16I got a tag.
15:17Hello, love.
15:18Natalie Brown has got food poisoning.
15:20She can't go on tonight.
15:22I'm odd, darling.
15:22I really can't.
15:23I'm going on for her.
15:25To play.
15:27Nora.
15:28I can come.
15:29If you got in the car now, you can make curtain up.
15:31Have you seen the newspapers?
15:34It's Rupert.
15:35He's always in some scrape or other.
15:37I need you.
15:39Geez.
15:40Don't worry, love.
15:41You'll be wonderful.
15:42My guys are tearing each other to bits here.
15:44If I leave now, the company could crumble.
15:45What? You're not coming?
15:46It's Venturer, love.
15:52But it's not dishonest, is it?
15:54Rupert is just Rupert.
15:55Always has been.
15:56Take it or leave it.
15:57I mean, I personally think people find it refreshing.
15:59The Archbishop doesn't.
16:00Doesn't he have anything better to do?
16:01I mean, how narrow-minded and prurient do you have to be to think this is a problem?
16:05How thoughtless and ignorant do you have to be to think it isn't?
16:07I thought you were a bohemian.
16:08Who here doesn't have a past?
16:09Not one that B.T. Johnson would be interested in.
16:11Well, I don't imagine she gets down to Glyndebourne, that.
16:13I'm sorry.
16:14It's him or me.
16:15Hey, whatever happened to loyalty?
16:16Cameron.
16:17Us against the world?
16:18Are we gonna take this?
16:20Let's face it, a direct attack from Tony Battingham, are we gonna take it lying down?
16:23I'm all for love and forgiveness, but I simply don't see how our franchise bid can survive this.
16:28What about we just take a vote? Democracy in action.
16:30Fuck democracy!
16:36You know what I mean.
16:39You can abstain, Cameron.
16:41You better go while we vote.
16:44Mike, Patrick, you're not on the board, so you should step out as well.
16:48This isn't the venturer I signed up for.
16:55Rupert would swim through shark-infested water for any one of you if this were the other way round.
17:00Whatever you decide, please, God, have the grace to wait until after the election before you tell him he's been
17:05subjected to another vote.
17:13You okay?
17:14This is such a fucking mess.
17:17Why'd you defend him?
17:18Because I love him.
17:21Because he fought for me.
17:23Now is my time to fight for him.
17:29Okay.
17:32How do we do this?
17:45How do we do this?
17:49Coffee?
17:51No, thank you.
17:53It's not a question, Sid.
17:57The Times, the Telegraph, today, the Mail, the Mirror, the Scorpion.
18:02You're on the front page of all of us.
18:04Photographers have already set up camp outside waiting for you to leave.
18:07I'm glad to see you've dressed up for my dressing down.
18:10For God's sake, Rupert, grow up!
18:15We're all tired of the wanton schoolboy playing everything for a laugh.
18:21Might have been endearing in a young buck, but then a man nearing forty, I'm afraid it's long ago passed
18:27over into...
18:30...pathetic.
18:31Right.
18:33Needless to say, Helen's furious.
18:36Needless to say.
18:37Well, she knew you'd been unfaithful to her during the marriage, but she had no idea of the scale of
18:42her humiliation.
18:43Thank God you saved her from me.
18:46We both know I didn't take Helen from you.
18:50You'd broken her a long time before I put her back together.
18:54And I'm damned if I'll let you break her again.
18:57Oh, come on, Millies.
18:59Who doesn't have their sexual peccadillas?
19:02I know Helen's tastes are pretty vanilla, but I'm sure you've used your riding crop on her a couple of
19:05times.
19:05Your daughter was in tears this morning because she's afraid that you're going to die of AIDS.
19:14You've lost your wife, and you're about to lose your children.
19:18Because you can't keep your bloody cock inside your trousers.
19:22Of course, the irony in all that is...
19:27...is that I have stopped.
19:30Everything she exposed in that broadcast was years ago.
19:33Oh, really?
19:33Sarah Stratton.
19:35Sarah Stratton.
19:36Natalie Perrault.
19:37Months ago, and...
19:40They're the last.
19:44I'm not excusing what's happened, but...
19:49Beauty let me confide in her at a time when I needed to, and I had no idea she was
19:54recording every word of it to use against me later.
19:57Of course, I told her hundreds of good things about Helen, but...
20:00They didn't broadcast any of that, but...
20:03Don't worry.
20:04I'll get what I deserve.
20:07I'm going to lose my seat tonight.
20:09Yes, most likely.
20:11But you've been dropped from the national team before and bounced back.
20:15You learned then, didn't you?
20:17Pulled yourself together.
20:18And Timmy died.
20:24I swore if I couldn't look after him, I'd take good care of the young riders on the team.
20:29Keep you close.
20:30Stop you repeating your mistakes again and again.
20:35But, of course, it was hopeless.
20:37I used to blame myself.
20:40But the rot in you had set in long before I came on the scene.
20:44Your father gave you the worst possible example.
20:47You can do better for your children.
20:49They love you, the poor little buggers.
20:54For me?
20:56Hmm.
20:57Put these on, and go and cast your vote with dignity.
21:22I hope I can count on your vote, Millies.
21:26I shall be voting for the Liberals.
21:36Oh!
21:38Natalie's not on tonight.
21:39Tonight the Aurora will be played by Maud O'Hara.
21:42Oh, God, it gets worse.
21:43Let's just go for dinner.
21:44Oh, no, no.
21:45Let's go for a chance.
21:45Now we're here.
21:46We'd only be at home waiting for the results.
21:49Oh, darling!
21:49Oh!
21:53Later tonight we'll be bringing you all the live updates from the central south-west region.
21:57Plus, in-depth analysis of the results as they come in.
22:00Served with a generous helping of Caridium Charm.
22:03Oh.
22:04Look, there's Danny.
22:05But first, let's go over to the ITN newsroom.
22:07Good evening.
22:09The campaigns are over.
22:10The polls are open.
22:12Three hours to go until 13 o'clock.
22:15You'll be speaking to the leaders.
22:18I know I shouldn't be here.
22:20I just wanted to talk to you.
22:22It's been a terrible day.
22:25I thought if James was on the telly he couldn't be here, so...
22:28Oh.
22:30I'm cooking supper for the children.
22:33Of course, I'm sorry.
22:35Is that a potato waffle?
22:36Mm-hmm.
22:36Because, um...
22:39I haven't eaten all day.
22:42We've been arguing about Rupert.
22:44Oh.
22:44Declan's head has put it to a vote.
22:46Oh.
22:47What did you do?
22:48I voted for Rupert to stay.
22:49Oh, good.
22:51Of course he's behaved awfully, but I've always felt it's our job as his friends to stay loyal, to steer
22:56him onto the path.
22:58We've all done things.
23:01I knew he was going to say something wise like that.
23:05Val was worried he's going to invite us in for a threesome, so she's ripped out all the Pampers grass
23:08just in case.
23:11But Rupert's staying.
23:13Well.
23:13Declan's got the casting vote.
23:15I left him to it.
23:16It didn't feel right.
23:17Mummy!
23:18Oh, Bill.
23:20I'm going to go on.
23:26Where do you stand on fish fingers?
23:29I can't get enough of them.
23:38I can't get enough.
23:39Oh, I can't get enough of them.
23:39Okay, come on.
23:40Upstairs now for teeth brushing, please.
23:43You better listen to your mum or all your teeth will fall out.
23:46Oh, no.
23:47I've got no teeth.
23:49Where's your teeth going?
23:51You're funny, Mr Jones.
23:53Thank you, Mr Verica.
23:54I'm Sebastian.
23:56Well, I'm Freddie.
23:57Freddie!
23:58OK, upstairs now.
24:03Why are all posh people called Sebastian?
24:05We're not posh people.
24:06You're posher than me.
24:09Oh, dear.
24:10Are you all right?
24:12Yeah.
24:13Have you got a wheelchair?
24:14Well, James treats me like a wheelchair.
24:17Something you can fall back on in old age.
24:23Why did you marry him?
24:28Because he asked me.
24:35Why did you marry Valerie?
24:39I loved her.
24:44Mami!
24:47I love her.
25:06It's so hard.
25:31Where are you?
25:41Good night, Freddy.
25:44Good night, Lizzie.
26:04Ta-da!
26:07Blimey.
26:08Blimey.
26:09Look at you.
26:10Oh, doesn't he look fantastic?
26:13We spent the whole day at the school outfitters.
26:15Proper gentleman.
26:16He looks like a penguin.
26:18Sharon, stop it!
26:22Look what we've done, eh?
26:26Our boy.
26:28I'm proud of you.
26:30I'm proud of you.
26:31We bought everything on the list.
26:33Cricket kit, football kit, swimming kit, tennis kit, rugby kit, fencing kit, all the kits.
26:39I'm proud of you and all.
26:41There won't be many Joneses boys on that rugby team, will there, son, eh?
26:45Now, Eaton Rules says we can't see you for the first month.
26:47So you're gonna have to be brave, Wayne, okay?
26:49No crying like a ninny.
26:51Now, most of them other boys, they've been away from home since they were babies.
26:55Sharon, come on.
26:56Stop being so lazy and help me get the rest of the bags out of the car, you lump.
26:59Honestly.
27:08Don't know how I'm gonna cope, not seeing that cheeky little mug for that long.
27:12You sure you want this?
27:15It makes Mum happy.
27:17Can I take this off now?
27:19Yes, son.
27:20Go on.
27:30Wasn't she wonderful?
27:31Mm.
27:32A revelation.
27:34I think you may have found your Titania.
27:37Maul!
27:37I couldn't cast Maul O'Hara!
27:39Declan would howl!
27:40Let's go round and see her, shall we?
27:49Congratulations.
27:50Woman of the hour.
27:52Woman of the half-hour call.
27:54I mean, this is unexpected and nice.
27:58After thinking I didn't have anyone in tonight.
28:00Yes, I'm sorry none of your family were there.
28:02I'm not.
28:03Toby, isn't he awful?
28:05I'm not complaining.
28:06This is extremely nice wine.
28:09We usually end up at a sticky table at the Cochin Horses.
28:12Well, not for long.
28:13Tony, tell her.
28:15Ah, yes.
28:16Monica's had an idea.
28:17Oh.
28:18And I think it's a rather good one.
28:19I would like to offer you a role in Carinium's production of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
28:25The leading lady.
28:26Titania.
28:27Queen of the fairies.
28:28I think Ward knows her Shakespeare, darling.
28:31That's our flagship project.
28:33Film that Carinium with a live audience.
28:35Broadcast on the network.
28:36With a subsequent video release for schools all over the country.
28:40It's going to have quite a reach.
28:41Hmm.
28:42God.
28:44I mean, thank you.
28:47I mean, obviously I'll have to speak with my...
28:50Your husband.
28:50Yes, of course.
28:51I was going to say my agent.
28:54Hmm.
28:55Oh, Ibsen would be pride.
29:17Ready to go live, studio?
29:19Countdown to hand over to ITN in five, four, three...
29:28Good evening.
29:29And welcome to the Cotswold Roundup election special.
29:32Let's go over to our outside broadcast unit in Conchester now.
29:37Where I am being told, yes, Paul Stratton has retained his seat for the Conservatives.
29:42I'd like to give thanks to all my supporters, my constituency staff, to my wonderful secretary, Samantha.
29:50And, of course, I would like to thank my daughters, Penelope and Cressida.
29:55To my father, Desmond Stratton QC, for his sage advice during this election.
29:59And, finally, to my schnauzer, Sultan, for being there.
30:04Good boy, Sultan.
30:06Paul Stratton holds Cotswold for the Conservatives.
30:09All eyes now turn to Chalford and Brisbane, where Rupert Campbell's last seat hangs in the balance after last night's
30:14shocking expose.
30:15Over to James and his swing-o-meter.
30:17Paul Stratton retaining his majority by more than 15,000.
30:20A decisive win there.
30:22Oh, no, don't go that way. No, no, no, no, no.
30:25Uh, I'll just hold it.
30:27Don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing.
30:30Beat it.
30:32Head up, okay?
30:33Act like nothing's wrong and people will believe it.
30:36Whatever happens, I just want to say it has been an honour to serve with you and...
30:40Alright, Gerald, I'm not going over the top.
30:44Ready?
30:46Ready.
31:02Ah, that is it.
31:04Ah, that is it.
31:17And cut to outside broadcast.
31:21As returning officer for the Chalford and Bisley constituency, I hereby declare that the total number of votes for each
31:28candidate was as follows.
31:29Michael Seaborne, Labour Party candidate, 5,342.
31:36David Edwards, known as Bar Bar Woolly Ramsbottom.
31:40Cotswold Looney Party, 283.
31:46Margaret Baldwin, Liberal Party, 24,292.
31:53Rupert Campbell Black Conservative Party, 36,272.
32:05I do hereby declare that Rupert Campbell Black is duly elected member of parliament for Chalford and Bisley.
32:13And he claims the Senate for the Conservative Party.
32:19Go on, go on, go on.
32:20I'm sorry, I didn't.
32:22You really know how they have.
32:23Here Mr. Boyle.
32:24Come on, Mr. Boyle.
32:25Come on, Mr. Boyle!
32:27Come on, Mr. Boyle!
32:31Thank you, thank you all.
32:33I will do my absolute utmost to deserve your confidence.
32:37Onward.
32:39Rupert Campbell Black, re-elected as member of parliament for Chalford and Bisley,
32:43this is his girlfriend, television executive Cameron Cook.
32:48If you're just joining us, 88 results have been declared so far.
32:52In the last few moments, the Swiss Minister for Sport, Rupert Campbell Black,
32:56has surprised everyone by retaining Chalford and Bisley...
33:14They just announced.
33:16He won, didn't he?
33:20How does he do it?
33:21He's still their Olympic hero.
33:23Not to those who really know him.
33:26He's even got you on side. Look.
33:28He still needs a father figure sometimes.
33:30Or maybe you still need a son.
33:34I'm sorry.
33:35I'm sorry.
33:37I sometimes think that you see Rupert through rose-tinted glasses because you missed Timmy.
33:42And it pains me because I'm pretty sure that Rupert is no kind of substitute.
33:46Rupert is a danger to everyone around him when he's a loose cannon.
33:49It's a good thing that he kept his seat.
33:52If Rupert were a woman, he would be tarred and feathered and dragged by his hair through the streets of
33:58Rochester.
33:58Oh, for God's sake.
33:59He gets a seat of parliament.
34:00All I get is to suffer by association.
34:02To look and feel stupid that I was ever married to him, that I ever had his children.
34:06No matter what I do, I will always be the Olympic hero's embarrassed first wife.
34:23What happened to you in Kenya?
34:27What?
34:29You never told me about Kenya.
34:31What happened to you there?
34:34No, no, I didn't.
34:38I didn't want to because I knew you'd think differently of me.
34:42Oh, and so you do.
34:45I think you should sleep in the spare room tonight.
34:50Which one?
34:51Ha Ha Ha
34:58Hold a chicken in the air
35:01Stick the dead chair up your nuts
35:03Buy a jumbo jet
35:05And then bury all your clothes
35:07Lunchienda
35:07Let me bring
35:08Let extract your lip and teeth
35:11Form a spring quartet
35:12And pretend your name is Peter
35:27What the song is this?
35:30It's the chicken song.
35:32What?
35:33Spitting image is a parody.
35:35Of what?
35:36Parody?
35:39Okay, come on, let's go home.
35:40I just won the general bloody election.
35:44Actually, Mrs. Thatcher just won the general bloody election.
35:48Honey, I need to talk to you about Ventura.
35:51No, no, no, we're celebrating.
35:52Ventura won the election.
35:57I'm going to bed.
35:59Fine, fine, fine. I'll come with you.
36:02No, no, no. Celebrate.
36:05It's your party.
36:27Take that, Dimbleby.
36:29As always, the great British public voted for Mummy.
36:31How about we go somewhere and celebrate?
36:33You and me?
36:34Why not? I'll check under the bed for tape recorders.
36:39Okay, then.
36:40Really?
36:40No.
36:44I thought you were wonderful, James.
36:48Ah!
36:49Hey, team.
36:50Who's up for partying?
36:52I could have a quick beverage.
36:55Daisy, going somewhere nice?
36:57Knocking with the OB crew at the Cochester Arms.
36:59Cider with the camera boys.
37:01I've got, er, Molly in my dressing room.
37:03No, thank you.
37:05Come on, Daisy. Why the sad face?
37:06Used to be much more up for partying.
37:08Fuck off.
37:09Little Daisy just told me to F off.
37:17Deirdre?
37:18Yes, James.
37:19Call me a cab home.
37:20There's love.
37:35What's where he put?
37:35I left him at the party sticking a deck chair up his nose.
37:42What's wrong now?
37:43Oh, what is it?
37:46Do you want to be married to him or not?
37:48If you do, stop being a whiny little bitch and go back to your house.
37:52You can't talk to me like that.
37:53What?
37:54I just did.
38:07The buzz, darling, of revealing to the nation the results of their little pencil marks.
38:11Oh, you're brilliant.
38:13Beattie, bloody bumfuck, bloody Johnson getting all the glory.
38:18Maybe next year I can ask for a bigger pendulum.
38:20Yes.
38:23Oh, speaking of pendulums.
38:27Looks like my election erection's coming out to play again.
38:30Yes, it is.
38:39Oh, I've brushed my teeth.
38:41Fine.
38:42We'll just have sex.
38:43OK.
38:47Come on.
38:49Do you know, people really do underestimate me.
38:51But I'd be shocked if after tonight Venturer don't try to poach me.
38:54Or better yet, persuade me to be a mole.
38:56And be a fantastic double agent.
38:59Open a little wider, Lizzie.
39:00I can't get it in.
39:02James the Mole Varica.
39:04There.
39:06That's the job, Lizzie.
39:07Good girl.
39:07Open up the bar.
39:10I am a mole and I live in a hole.
39:13I am a mole and I live in a hole.
39:16I am a mole and I live in a hole.
39:20Oh.
39:24Oh.
39:25Oh.
39:27Oh.
39:28Oh, Lizzie.
39:33I am a kite.
39:34And you are my bollard.
39:39Oh.
39:41Oh.
39:53Oh, darling.
39:54You're home.
39:57Congratulations.
39:58You won.
39:59I made you breakfast.
40:00You must be exhausted after all that celebrating.
40:05I'm so sorry about that stupid fight that we had.
40:10It was just my hormones.
40:12It wasn't your fault at all.
40:14But the baby?
40:15Your baby.
40:17I've been so mean to you, Paulie.
40:19I just want us to be a proper little family.
40:23I'm so happy.
40:31You know, some women find that the second trimester is the horniest three months of their life.
40:57Harold, I was in bed.
41:01Come to join you.
41:13i can't believe rupert actually did it he's superman should i be jealous i'd do anything
41:19for rupert but it's you i'm really in love with you and mrs thatcher oh i think my erection just
41:25died no no really just just stop talking about mrs thatcher sorry sorry you know i want to be an
41:32mp giles and that's why you're getting married to a woman that you don't love and throwing away all
41:37your principles to work for a party that's taking away gay men's rights to even be considered
41:41human beings i'm going to change things from the inside
41:50maybe why not
42:01you know gerald congratulated me last night on being a perfect politician's wife
42:07gerald is very drunk
42:10i mean what does that even look like put up and shut up well that's not your style is it
42:20you know i supported you because i don't think what happened to you was fair
42:24i can't deny anything pete said
42:28it's all true you don't have to
42:32you are a whole person
42:36and i love you
42:48take the dogs out
42:55i adore you thank you for supporting me
42:58thank you for supporting me
43:05thank you for supporting me
43:08thank you for supporting me
43:09oh yes
43:10are you happy alone
43:12it's all right
43:13it's fine
43:19downing street we're just on the phone
43:21mrs thatcher wants to see you
43:35i know it's smarts darling
43:37whatever you think about rupert
43:39you know i really couldn't do all this without your support
43:42all your ideas
43:44you're my secret weapon
43:46it cuts both ways darling
43:47we're a team
43:49i think we've come out of this unpleasantness stronger than ever
43:53look at him i mean
43:54notice the thing he is
43:55but he's a lancelot
43:56so fucks a lot
44:03you'll stop this feud with rupert now
44:05yes please
44:10i will stop this feud with rupert
44:25how did last night go for your mother did she call
44:27mm-mm she didn't call
44:30egg steady
44:31no i couldn't eat tight
44:35mrs thatcher's third landslide
44:37poor mr kinnick should just give up
44:39she's gonna be prime minister forever
44:41change is hard
44:42scares people so
44:44they stick with the status quo
44:47well that's depressing
44:49miss freddie
44:50you gotta talk to rupert
44:53what have you decided
44:54what have you decided
44:58surely if you won the election
45:01i thought you'd want to know there's a press conference about to start at downing street
45:05let's hear what maggie has to say for herself then
45:07it's not mrs thatcher it's rupert
45:15thank you gentlemen ladies
45:17i've spoken to mrs thatcher in light of the uncensored program the night before last and the coverage that broadcast
45:24generated
45:25i told the prime minister that although i won my seat in yesterday's general election i do not want the
45:30scandal around me to distract from the important work that our government is doing
45:34it was therefore with deep regret that i tendered and the prime minister accepted my resignation as an mp and
45:42a minister
45:45there'll be another statement in two courses gentlemen
45:48seems you've won after all my lord
45:57one down
46:00three to go
46:12all right tell me
46:14do you need me to go
46:25your pleasure
46:40love
46:41love
46:42love
46:42love
46:42love
46:46love
46:47love
46:48love
46:48love
46:48love
46:48love
46:49love
46:49love
46:50love
46:50love
46:50love
46:54love
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