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TVTranscript
00:03Tonight we peek behind the curtains and pull back the bedsheets to reveal the truth about Rupert Campbell Black.
00:10On the night before he asks voters to elect him Member of Parliament for Chalford and Bisley,
00:15we ask how a man like this gains a free pass to the highest offices in the land.
00:20Rupert Campbell Black, showjumper and showman, charlatan and conman.
00:24Catapulted into a safe seat, he now enjoys an unusually close relationship with the Prime Minister.
00:29Who created the role of Minister for Sport, especially for him.
00:32Tony said we were doing Joan Collins this week.
00:36Hastily covered up flings with several Tory colleagues' wives, including our very own Sarah Stratton,
00:42recently married to MP Paul Stratton, and Amanda,
00:45the wife of Foreign Secretary Rollo Hamilton.
00:48Secretly recorded tapes recently come into our possession reveal Campbell Black's cavalier attitude towards these conquests.
00:54Oh Christ.
00:56So, Melanie Hamilton, you know she used to get me to spank her?
01:00Call her the hairbrush.
01:01Daddy.
01:02God, Peter.
01:03Earlier, I interviewed a woman who was a participant at a group sex session in a Soho art studio.
01:09What's happening?
01:09In the mid-60s.
01:11Roll the tape.
01:12Can you tell me who was present on that particular occasion?
01:15A number of rock stars.
01:16Hmm.
01:17At least one of them was in the Stones.
01:19A couple of footballers.
01:20The American actor, Johnny, Johnny Friedlander.
01:23Yes.
01:24And Rupert Campbell Black.
01:25You don't forget that silky voice.
01:27Hmm.
01:27And did Mr. Campbell Black engage in the group sex enthusiastically?
01:32No one was disappointed, put it that way.
01:34And I have to ask, in this age of AIDS, was anyone there using protection?
01:40Protection.
01:41And we're all high as guides.
01:43I've always said, Fred, Fred.
01:45Now he's going to give us all AIDS.
01:47And this sexual deviance was cited in their divorce proceedings by his ex-wife, Helen.
01:52I'm not talking about him, okay?
01:53Please get off my driver.
01:54Can I ask, get off?
01:55Get off, boy!
01:56Mrs. Gordon!
01:57Oh, my...
01:58Mrs. Gordon!
01:59I think that's no comment.
02:01Helen Gordon, previously Helen Campbell Black, was involved in a foursome with Campbell Black and his show-jumping teammates while
02:07on holiday in Kenya.
02:08What's a foursome?
02:09What are you doing out of bed?
02:11Plus, we can now reveal some uncomfortable...
02:13It is another word for a quartet.
02:16At the same time as seducing Carinium's former controller of programs, Cameron Cook, Mr. Campbell Black hunted closer to home,
02:23beginning a relationship with Declan O'Hara's daughter, Agatha, a girl 17 years his junior.
02:29For fuck's sake.
02:30Begging the question, what sort of a man preys upon the young daughter of his colleague and friend?
02:35So, what does the Prime Minister think of the politician once referred to as her blue-eyed boy?
02:40Unfortunately, no one from Mrs. Thatcher's office was available to comment.
02:44But Campbell Black doesn't seem to return her regard in this recording from 1985.
02:48Well, Tame.
02:50You know why they call her Milk Snatcher? It's not taking dairy products from kids. It's because she's got a
02:55milky sn...
02:57With the polls opening in ten hours, we ask, how can a pervert and sexual deviant like Rupert Campbell Black
03:03be allowed to represent the fine people of Great Britain?
03:06Fuck!
03:16Fuck!
03:17You gotta speed it up, and then you gotta slow it down.
03:22Cause if you believe that a love can hit the top, you gotta play around.
03:27Until you find that there comes a time for making your mind out.
03:32You've got to turn it on and then you've got to pull it out. You've got to be sure that
03:38it's something else. Everybody's going to talk to me. You've got to decide that the time won't run for making
03:45your mind up.
03:49We're here at the home of Mr. Rupert Campbell Black, minister for sport and subject of last night's extraordinary unscented
03:55allegations. We're going to try and get a few words from him as he arrives and is having a day
03:58on election day. Mr. Campbell Black, hello Mr. Campbell Black, any comments on the unscented documenting last night?
04:05Hello, good morning everyone. Happy election day. Don't look too disappointed.
04:10Morning. Message from CCHQ says we press ahead with Rupert's scheduled appearances today. No reference to the broadcast. Everything pointed
04:20towards getting out a vote. How's he doing? I tried to call, but...
04:24See for yourself. As the country heads to the polls today for the general election, the question on everyone's lips
04:30isn't whether or not Mrs. Thatcher's conservative government can hold on to power.
04:34But how can Rupert Campbell Black ever come back from such a destructive expose?
04:43Has he been drinking all morning? He's been drinking all night. He hasn't been to bed. But it's election day.
04:49Yep.
04:50Can you persuade him to stop? Really?
04:57I'm going to call Helen again. Oh, he's been trying out all morning. She's going to go form a dare
05:01on me after this.
05:18Yeah. Rupert, please? Rupert. Please.
05:19What? Rupert. Come back in a minute. Rupert.
05:25That's why I'm making a punch.
05:29Minister, any comments I haven't censored last night?
05:32Good to meet you, sir.
05:33Any comments I haven't heard? Good to meet you, sir.
05:35Beautiful morning, ladies and gentlemen.
05:40Don't forget to vote.
05:42Minister, any comments?
05:45Any comments?
05:46Any comments?
05:47Any comments?
05:49Any comments?
05:50Any comments?
05:51Any comments?
06:07I'm gonna pick up Caitlin from school.
06:09Right.
06:15Is this journalism her, Daddy?
06:17Destroying people's private lives.
06:18I mean, the things she said about him.
06:19Beatty is not the brilliant journalist she thinks she is.
06:24God, I hate that he got you caught up in all this.
06:28What's it mean for Ventra?
06:31Don't know, love.
06:33Don't know.
06:37I'm disappointed, Tony.
06:38You do things like this in my name as well as yours.
06:41We're a partnership.
06:43A unit.
06:43And we're strong.
06:44And we agreed that you wouldn't deal in dirty tricks any longer.
06:47I know you and Rupert have your differences, but his poor wife and children.
06:51Who's that?
06:53That's your present.
07:02Oh, Tony.
07:05Happy anniversary, darling.
07:06Oh, but it's not until Tuesday.
07:08Not until early.
07:09I thought you couldn't stand peacocks.
07:12You always say they look like rats in ball gowns.
07:15The falconry has been without peacocks since you were a Deb.
07:17It's taken me far too long to set it right.
07:19Mummy would be thrilled.
07:21No.
07:22I'll need to be careful not to speed up the drive later.
07:24I know.
07:26I haven't got you anything yet.
07:28Why don't you come to a doll's house with me this evening?
07:31I'll shout you an ice cream in the interval.
07:33You want me to enjoy an evening of Ibsen on the day of the general election?
07:36Well, there's no point sitting on the sofa waiting for the polls to close.
07:39We'll spend the evening together.
07:41It'll be good.
07:44Well, you know how I love the theatre.
07:54Helen!
07:54Vroom, vroom.
07:57It's beautiful, darling.
07:59Helen!
08:00Helen, open the door!
08:03You can't stop me seeing my children, Helen!
08:05Helen, I swear to God, I'll break this down!
08:09Stand down!
08:11Do you mind removing your bloody finger from my doorbell?
08:15Please.
08:17Helen's a school with Tabitha.
08:19I don't suppose you're aware of anything as parochial as the date of your daughter's sports day.
08:24You're not running in the father's race?
08:25I don't qualify.
08:31You haven't been to bed, have you?
08:32You know what? I'm not taking a lecture from you today, Melanie.
08:35Fuck you! Fuck Helen! I need to see my children!
08:38I'm their father! Have you forgotten what that's like?
08:54Don't you dare talk to me about being a father.
08:58You need to sober up.
09:03How come you didn't know what he was planning?
09:05I can't manage Mother by myself anymore.
09:08I've been off work moving her into a home.
09:10Tony has been so kind.
09:12He told me to take off all the time that I needed, even when we had an episode of Uncensored
09:16to prep.
09:16Kind or strategic?
09:18I thought he was being supportive, subterfuge. It's extremely stressful, you know.
09:21We need to get you back to work.
09:23Find out what Tony's doing next.
09:24But he's got what he wants. Rupert's on his knees.
09:27That'll never be enough for Tony.
09:29He'll be coming for the rest of us.
09:33Do you think so? What do you mean?
09:37The fiendish of you could take a good run of the bed the whole time.
09:40Oh, it's amazing what men will spill after they've spilled.
09:44What can I say? You truly are guardian of the nation's morals.
09:49We aim to please.
09:50You're about as keen to please as a nuclear warhead.
09:53As you say, Tony, I'm a public servant.
09:55You're a public toilet.
09:57I don't think it was a bit cruel.
09:59You don't know what he did to me.
10:01Proportionate response, Joyce.
10:02Good night's work, everyone. On we go.
10:09Are you hungry?
10:11A big kill like this always makes me voracious.
10:14I could murder a martini and a bloody steak.
10:18I know. A little hotel.
10:21Very discreet.
10:23We'd be back in plenty of time for the election special.
10:27What an enticing offer.
10:30I'm afraid I'm going to the theatre with my wife tonight.
10:40That bump to the head really did change you, Tony.
10:46Elegantly handled.
10:48It's like prising off a scorpion before it stings you.
10:53All right, quiet down, everyone.
10:56I'm sorry that our first Venture Board meeting is being convened at a moment of crisis.
11:01Let's make this an orderly discussion.
11:03I know how these things can get emotional.
11:06So, Declan?
11:07Thank you, Freddie.
11:09So, bad news first.
11:12The BBC have dropped our Yates documentary.
11:14What?
11:15They can't be tainted by association.
11:18Also, I've had word from Charles that Lady Gosling would like to speak to me about the franchise bit.
11:23Is anyone else going to say it?
11:25Rupert should resign from the board.
11:27Thank you. No.
11:28Now, hold on a minute.
11:28The IBA is run by a woman.
11:30And as a woman, I have to say that some of the comments we heard on the television last night
11:34were very hard to stand.
11:36They were private comments. He didn't know Beattie had a tape recorder under the bed.
11:39She liked him talking about other women he'd been with. It was her thing.
11:42If this were anybody else, wouldn't we be demanding that they resign?
11:46As a group, what values do we stand for?
11:53Right, come on. Easy there. Easy.
11:57So, we'll go in the order they're called. James, James.
11:59Hmm?
11:59Probably Cochester first, then Rutminster.
12:02Rutminster, Gloucester, Chalford and Bisley. Big swing for the Tories.
12:05We have Beattie Johnson presenting the show. Watch your feet there.
12:08And James Verica, of course, back on his trusty swing-o-meter.
12:11Everyone, this is Mrs Mingus Scott, who's joining Lady Gosling on the board of the IBA.
12:16After a ten-year stint, chairing the Women's Institute.
12:20So, used to making big decisions.
12:22All set for tonight, gang?
12:24Yes, hopefully I won't have to do too much swinging this evening, Lady Gosling.
12:27And, um, Reverend Penny.
12:28Congratulations on your camp of black expose, Miss Johnson.
12:32I will end the haughtiness of the arrogant and lay low the pride of the ruthless.
12:36Let he that is without sin cast the first stone.
12:40Well, thank goodness that, er, Campbell Black chose that little venturer set up over the Carinium Board.
12:45I'm sure the IBA will align with the public to take a stern view on his behaviour.
12:48I shall be speaking to Mr O'Hara in due course.
12:51One thing I'm curious about, Lord Battingham.
12:52Yes?
12:53As a prominent supporter of the government, isn't it rather an own goal to demolish Campbell Black's reputation
12:58the night before the country goes to the polls?
13:01Well, Sally, as someone who cares deeply about the reputation of our political system,
13:04I would say it's paramount we make it clear to the country that we see no place for behaviour like
13:10Campbell Black's in the modern government,
13:12which is, of course, bigger than any individual member.
13:15Can't help thinking Mrs Thatcher would agree.
13:18Rupert always had a rapier wit.
13:20Milk snatcher.
13:22I spat on my sherry.
13:26Sorry.
13:29Archie's been writing to me at school.
13:31Archie Berningham.
13:32Caitlin.
13:32He sent me a mixtape. It's mostly metal, but he also put Caravan of Love on it, so either he
13:36loves me or he wants to have sex in Caravan.
13:39It's not just Rupert's reputation. If he's losing us work, it's a problem. I'm here to make telly. The Yates
13:44programme is your baby.
13:45We sell it somewhere else, Mike.
13:47Will anyone else take it now?
13:48I've had the Archbishop of Canterbury on the phone. This is a very difficult position for those of us on
13:54the board as moral advisers.
13:56It sounds just rubbish anyway.
13:58Well, it's actually all true, Wes. I was at that party with Johnny Friedlander, and believe me, Rupert's never been
14:02monogamous in his life.
14:05I mean, until now.
14:06So even a tree woman at once thinks?
14:08Well, it sounds jolly, Ty.
14:10Look at you. You're all as bad as each other, snickering schoolboys.
14:14Okay, I think it should take more than a Carinium smear campaign to pull us apart.
14:18Freddie.
14:20You're very quiet.
14:21We'll struggle to do it without Rupert.
14:24It's not just the profile.
14:26We need his financial stake.
14:28But?
14:29But, a good public reputation is crucial for a company.
14:34And Rupert's flushed ours down the cars.
14:37I spoke to my father.
14:39What did he say?
14:41Toshi?
14:43Nandate?
14:45Rupert's money is covered with Rupert.
14:48But?
14:49Rupert's money is covered with Rupert.
14:55Rupert.
14:55So...
14:56Tosh's dad will cover Rupert's stake.
15:00But he needs to know that he's not part of the company anymore.
15:04phone daddy
15:05not now sweetheart
15:06it is for me
15:07she says it's urgent
15:10just press pause okay
15:16I got a tag
15:17hello love
15:18Natalie Pro has got food with me
15:20she can't go on tonight
15:21I'm odd darling I really can't
15:23I'm going on for her
15:25to play
15:27Nora
15:28have you seen the
15:32newspapers
15:34it's Rupert he's always in some
15:36scrape or other
15:37I need you
15:40don't worry love you'll be
15:41wonderful my guys are tearing
15:43each other to bits here if I leave
15:44now the company could crumble
15:45you're not coming
15:46it's Venturer love
15:52but it's not dishonest is it
15:54Rupert is just Rupert always has been
15:56take it or leave it I mean I
15:57personally think people find it
15:58refreshing the Archbishop doesn't
16:00doesn't he have anything better to do
16:01I mean how narrow-minded
16:03and prurient do you have to be to
16:04think this is a problem
16:05how thoughtless and ignorant do you
16:06have to be to think it isn't
16:07I thought you're a bohemian
16:08who here doesn't have a past
16:09not one that P.T. Johnson would be
16:11interested in
16:11I don't imagine she gets down to
16:12Glyndebourne that
16:13I'm sorry it's him or me
16:15whatever happened to loyalty
16:16Cameron
16:17us against the world
16:18are we going to take this
16:20let's face it a direct attack from
16:21Tony Battingham
16:22are we going to take it lying down
16:23I'm all for love and forgiveness
16:24but I simply don't see how our
16:26franchise bid can survive this
16:28what about we just take a vote
16:29democracy in action
16:30fuck democracy
16:36you know what I mean
16:39you can abstain
16:40Cameron
16:41you better go while we vote
16:44Mike
16:44Patrick
16:45you're not on the board
16:46so
16:46you should step out as well
16:48this isn't the venturer
16:50I signed up for
16:55Rupert would swim through
16:57shark infested water
16:58for any one of you
16:59if this were the other way around
17:00whatever you decide
17:01please God
17:02have the grace to wait
17:03until after the election
17:04before you tell him
17:05he's been subjected
17:06to another vote
17:13you okay
17:14this is such a fucking mess
17:17why do you defend him
17:18because I love him
17:21because he fought for me
17:23now is my time
17:23to fight for him
17:29okay
17:32how do we do this
17:49coffee
17:51no
17:51thank you
17:52it's not a question
17:54sit
17:56the times
17:57the telegraph
17:58today
17:59the mail
17:59the mirror
18:00the scorpion
18:02you're on the front page
18:03of all of the
18:04photographers
18:04have already set up
18:06camp outside
18:06waiting for you to leave
18:07glad to see you've
18:09dressed up
18:09for my dressing down
18:10for God's sake
18:11we would grow up
18:15we're all tired
18:17of the wanton schoolboy
18:19playing everything
18:20for a laugh
18:21might have been endearing
18:23in a young buck
18:24but in a man
18:25nearing forty
18:26I'm afraid
18:26this long ago
18:27passed over into
18:30pathetic
18:30right
18:33needless to say
18:34Helen's furious
18:36needless to say
18:37oh she knew
18:38you'd been unfaithful
18:39to her during the marriage
18:40but she had no idea
18:41of the scale
18:42of her humiliation
18:43thank God
18:43you saved her
18:44from me
18:46we both know
18:47I didn't take
18:47Helen from you
18:50you'd broken her
18:51a long time
18:52before I put her
18:53back together
18:54and I'm damned
18:55if I'll let you
18:56break her again
18:57oh come on
18:57Millies
18:59who doesn't have
19:00their sexual
19:00peccadillas
19:01I know Helen's
19:02tastes are pretty
19:03vanilla but I'm
19:03sure you've used
19:04your riding crop
19:04on her a couple
19:05of times
19:06your daughter
19:07was in tears
19:07this morning
19:09because she's
19:09afraid that
19:10you're going
19:11to die
19:11of AIDS
19:14you've lost
19:15your wife
19:16and you're about
19:17to lose your
19:17children
19:18because you
19:19can't keep
19:20your bloody
19:21cock inside
19:21your trousers
19:22of course
19:22the irony
19:24in all that
19:27is that I
19:28have stopped
19:29everything she
19:30exposed in that
19:31broadcast was
19:32years ago
19:32oh really
19:33Sarah Stratton
19:35Natalie Perrault
19:36months ago
19:37and
19:39they're the last
19:44I'm not
19:45excusing
19:46what's
19:46happened
19:46but
19:49beauty
19:50let me
19:50confide
19:50in her
19:51at a time
19:51when I
19:52needed to
19:53and I
19:53had no idea
19:54she was
19:54recording
19:55every word
19:55of it
19:55to use
19:56against me
19:56later
19:57of course
19:57I told her
19:58hundreds of
19:58good things
19:59about Helen
19:59but
20:00they didn't
20:01broadcast
20:02any of that
20:02but
20:02don't worry
20:04I'll get
20:05what I
20:05deserve
20:07I'm going
20:07to lose
20:08my seat
20:08tonight
20:09yes
20:10most likely
20:11but you've
20:12been dropped
20:12from the
20:13national team
20:13before and
20:14bounced back
20:15you learned
20:16then didn't
20:16you
20:16pulled
20:17yourself
20:17together
20:18and Timmy
20:19died
20:24I swore
20:25if I couldn't
20:25look after him
20:25I'd take good
20:26care of the
20:27young riders
20:27on the team
20:29keep you
20:30close
20:30stop you
20:31repeating your
20:32mistakes again
20:32and again
20:35but of course
20:36it was hopeless
20:37I used to
20:38blame myself
20:40but the
20:40rot in you
20:41had set in
20:42long before
20:42I came on
20:43the scene
20:44your father
20:45gave you the
20:45worst possible
20:46example
20:46you can do
20:48better for
20:48your children
20:49they love you
20:50the poor
20:50little buggers
20:54for me
20:57put these on
20:59and go and
20:59cast your vote
21:00with dignity
21:16thank you
21:22I hope I can
21:23count on your
21:23vote
21:24release
21:26I shall be
21:27voting for the
21:28liberals
21:36oh
21:38Natalie's not
21:38on tonight
21:39tonight the
21:39Aurora will be
21:40played by
21:41Mordo
21:41I'll be
21:42going to
21:43go for dinner
21:44let's go for a
21:45chance
21:45now we're here
21:46we'd only be at
21:47home waiting for
21:48the results
21:48oh darling
21:49oh
21:53later tonight
21:54we'll be bringing
21:55you all the live
21:55updates from the
21:56central southwest
21:57region
21:57plus in-depth
21:58analysis of the
21:59results as they
21:59come in
22:00served with a
22:01generous helping
22:01of Carinium
22:02Charm
22:18I know I
22:19shouldn't be here
22:20I just wanted to
22:21talk to you
22:22it's been a
22:23terrible day
22:26I thought if
22:26James was on the
22:27telly he couldn't
22:27be here
22:28so
22:30I'm cooking supper
22:31for the children
22:33of course I'm
22:34sorry
22:35is that a
22:35potato waffle
22:36because
22:39we haven't eaten
22:40all day
22:42we've been arguing
22:43about Rupert
22:44Declan's head has
22:45put it to a vote
22:46oh
22:46what did you do
22:48I voted for
22:49Rupert to stay
22:49oh good
22:51of course he's
22:51behaved awfully
22:52but I've always
22:53felt it's our job
22:54as his friends
22:54to stay loyal
22:55to steer him
22:56onto the path
22:58we've all done
22:58things
23:02I knew he was
23:02going to say
23:03something wise
23:03like that
23:05Val was worried
23:05he's going to
23:06invite us in
23:06for a threesome
23:07so she's ripped
23:07out all the
23:08pampers grass
23:08just in case
23:11but Rupert's
23:11staying
23:12well
23:13Declan's got
23:14the casting vote
23:15I left him to
23:16it didn't feel
23:16right
23:20I'm going to
23:20go on
23:26where do you
23:26stand on
23:26fish fingers
23:29I can't get
23:30enough of them
23:39okay come on
23:40upstairs now for
23:41teeth brushing
23:42please
23:42you better listen
23:44to your mum
23:44all your teeth
23:45will fall out
23:46oh no
23:47I've got no
23:48teeth
23:50where's your teeth
23:50going
23:51you're funny
23:52Mr Jones
23:53thank you Mr Verica
23:54I'm Sebastian
23:55well I'm
23:56Freddie
23:56Freddie
23:57okay upstairs
23:59now
24:03why are we
24:04posh people
24:04called Sebastian
24:05we're not posh
24:06people
24:06you're posher
24:07than me
24:09oh dear
24:10are you alright
24:11yeah
24:13have you got
24:14a wheelchair
24:14James treats
24:16me like a
24:16wheelchair
24:17something you
24:17can fall back
24:18on in old age
24:23why did you
24:24marry him
24:28because he
24:29asked me
24:35why did you
24:36marry Valerie
24:38allow
24:39I love
24:40I love
24:48I have
24:48like
24:51ok
24:56come
24:57come
24:58come
24:59come
24:59come
25:00come
25:00come
25:01come
25:08Rawr.
25:32Where are you?
25:41Good night, Freddy.
25:44Good night, Lizzie.
26:04Ta-da!
26:08Blimey. Look at you.
26:10Oh, doesn't he look fantastic?
26:13We spent the whole day at the school outfitters.
26:15Proper gentleman.
26:17He looks like a penguin.
26:18Sharon, stop it!
26:22Look what we've done, eh?
26:26Oh, boy.
26:28I'm proud of you.
26:31We bought everything on the list.
26:33Cricket kit.
26:34Football kit.
26:35Swimming kit.
26:36Tennis kit.
26:37Rugby kit.
26:37Fencing kit.
26:38All the kits.
26:39I'm proud of you and all.
26:41There won't be many Joneses boys on that rugby team, will there, son, eh?
26:45Now, Eaton Rules says we can't see you for the first month.
26:47So you're gonna have to be brave, Wayne, okay?
26:49No crying like a ninny.
26:51Now, most of them other boys, they've been away from home since they were babies.
26:55Sharon, come on.
26:56Stop being so lazy and help me get the rest of the bags out of the car, you lump.
26:59Honestly.
27:08Don't know how I'm gonna cope, not seeing that cheeky little mug for that long.
27:12You sure you want this?
27:13Yes.
27:15It makes Mum happy.
27:17Can I take this off now?
27:19Yes, Sam.
27:20Go on.
27:29Wasn't she wonderful?
27:32A revelation.
27:34I think you may have found your Titania.
27:37Maul, I couldn't cast Maul O'Hara.
27:39Declan would howl.
27:40Let's go round and see her, shall we?
27:50Oh, you're welcome.
27:56Oh, you're welcome.
27:58Yes, my friend.
27:59Oh, I'm sorry.
28:02Oh, my God.
28:03Oh, my God.
28:04Isn't he awful?
28:05I'm not complaining.
28:06This is extremely nice wine.
28:09We usually end up at a sticky table at the Cochin Horses.
28:12Well, not for long.
28:13Tony, tell her.
28:15Ah, yes.
28:16Monica's had an idea.
28:17And I think it's a rather good one.
28:19I would like to offer you a role
28:21in Carinium's production of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
28:25The leading lady, Titania, Queen of the Fairies.
28:28I think Ward knows her Shakespeare, darling.
28:31That's our flagship project.
28:33Film that, Carinium.
28:34With a live audience, broadcast on the network,
28:36with a subsequent video release
28:38for schools all over the country.
28:40It's going to have quite a reach.
28:42God.
28:44I mean, thank you.
28:47I mean, obviously I'll have to speak with my...
28:50Your husband, yes, of course.
28:51I was going to say my agent.
28:55Ibsen would be pride.
29:17Ready to go live, studio?
29:20Countdown to hand over to ITN
29:22in five, four, three...
29:28Good evening.
29:29And welcome to the Cotswold Roundup election special.
29:32Let's go over to our outside broadcast unit in Conchester now.
29:37Where I am being told, yes, Paul Stratton has retained his seat for the Conservatives.
29:42I'd like to give thanks to all my supporters, my constituency staff,
29:46and to my wonderful secretary, Samantha.
29:50And of course, I would like to thank my daughters, Penelope and Cressida,
29:55to my father, Desmond Stratton, QC, for his sage advice during this election.
29:59And finally, to my schnauzer, Sultan, for being there.
30:04Good boy, Sultan.
30:06Paul Stratton holds Parchester for the Conservatives.
30:09All eyes now turn to Chalford and Bruceley,
30:11where Rupert Campbell Blackseat hangs in the balance
30:13after last night's shocking expose.
30:15Over to James and his swing-o-meter.
30:17Paul Stratton retaining his majority by more than 15,000.
30:20A decisive win there.
30:22Oh, no, don't go that way.
30:23No, no, no, no.
30:26I'll just hold it.
30:27Don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing.
30:30Beat it.
30:32Head up, okay?
30:33Act like nothing's wrong and people will believe it.
30:36Whatever happens, I just want to say
30:38it has been an honour to serve with you, and...
30:41All right, Jill, I'm not going out of the top.
30:44Ready?
30:46Ready.
30:48Ready.
31:04Childford and Bisley are about to declare.
31:06Stand by for outside broadcast.
31:08And I'm just hearing now that we can go over to Childford and Bisley for the announcement
31:12of today's results.
31:13We weren't expecting you back tonight, Tony.
31:14I wouldn't miss this for the world.
31:17And cut to outside broadcast.
31:21As returning officer for the Childford and Bisley constituency, I hereby declare that the total
31:26number of votes for each candidate was as follows.
31:29Michael Seabourne, Labour Party candidate, 5,342.
31:36David Edwards, known as Bar Bar Woolly Ramsbottom, Cotswold Looney Party, 283.
31:46Margaret Baldwin, Liberal Party, 24,292.
31:53Rupert Campbell Black, Conservative Party.
32:0236,272.
32:05I do hereby declare that Rupert Campbell Black is duly elected Member of Parliament for Childford
32:12and Bisley.
32:39Rupert Campbell Black, re-elected as Member of Parliament for Childford and Bisley.
32:43This is his girlfriend, television executive Cameron Cook.
32:48If you're just joining us, 88 results have been declared so far.
32:52In the last few moments, the Swiss Minister for Sport, Rupert Campbell Black, have surprised
32:56everyone by retaining...
33:14They just announced.
33:15He won, didn't he?
33:18He won, didn't he?
33:20How does he do it?
33:21He's still their Olympic hero.
33:23Not to those who really know him.
33:26He's even got you on the side.
33:28Look.
33:28He still needs a father figure sometimes.
33:30Or maybe you still need a son.
33:34And I'm sorry.
33:35I'm sorry.
33:37I sometimes think that you see Rupert through rose-tinted glasses because you missed Timmy.
33:42And it pains me because I'm pretty sure that Rupert is no kind of substitute.
33:46Rupert is a danger to everyone around him when he's a loose cannon.
33:49It's a good thing that he kept his seat.
33:52If Rupert were a woman, he would be tarred and feathered and dragged by his hair through
33:57the streets of Rochester.
33:58Oh, for God's sake.
33:58He gets a seat at Parliament.
34:00All I get is to suffer by association, to look and feel stupid that I was ever married
34:04to him, that I ever had his children.
34:06No matter what I do, I will always be the Olympic hero's embarrassed first wife.
34:15No.
34:23What happened to you in Kenya?
34:27What?
34:29You never told me about Kenya.
34:31What happened to you there?
34:34No, no, I didn't.
34:38I didn't want to because I knew you'd think differently of me.
34:42Oh, and so you do.
34:45I think you should sleep in the spare room tonight.
34:50Which one?
34:57I think you should sleep in the air.
34:58Oh, and so you should sleep in the air.
34:58Hold a chicken in the air.
35:01Stick a dead chair up your nose.
35:03Buy a jumbo jet.
35:05Come in, bury all your clothes.
35:07Make your letzt me green.
35:09Then extract your wisdom teeth.
35:11Form a string or tent.
35:13And pretend your name is Peter.
35:18Skin yourself alive.
35:20Let you speak about the home
35:22On each other, the door
35:24At the end of this, you know
35:26Each of them are gone
35:28What the song is this?
35:30It's the chicken song
35:32What?
35:33Spitting image, it's a parody
35:35Of what?
35:36Of what?
35:39Okay, come on, let's go home
35:40I just won the general bloody election
35:44Actually, Mrs. Thatcher just won the general bloody election
35:47Honey, I need to talk to you about Venture
35:50No, no, no, we're celebrating
35:52Venture won the election
35:57I'm going to bed
35:59Fine, fine, fine
36:00I'll come with you
36:02No, no, no, celebrate
36:05It's your party
36:07It's your party
36:13Oh, no, no
36:27Take that, Dimbleby
36:29As always, the great British public voted for Mummy
36:31How about we go somewhere and celebrate?
36:33You and me?
36:34Why not?
36:35I'll check under the bed for tape recorders
36:39Okay, then
36:40Really?
36:40No
36:44I thought you were wonderful, James
36:48Ah
36:49Hey, team
36:50Who's up for partying?
36:52I could have equipped my bridge
36:55Daisy
36:56Going somewhere nice?
36:57Knocking with the OB crew at the Cotchester Arms
36:59Cider with the camera boys
37:00I've got, uh, Molly in my dressing room
37:03No, thank you
37:05Come on, Daisy
37:05Why the sad face?
37:06Used to be much more up for partying
37:07Buckle
37:09Little Daisy just told me the F off
37:17Deirdre?
37:18Yes, James
37:19Call me a cab home
37:20There's a love
37:34What's where he put?
37:35I left him at the party sticking a deck chair up his nose
37:42What's wrong now?
37:43Oh, what is it?
37:46Do you want to be married to him or not?
37:47If you do, stop being a whiny little bitch and go back to your house
37:52You can't talk to me like that
37:53I just did
38:07The buzz, darling, of revealing to the nation the results of their little pencil marks
38:11Oh, you're brilliant
38:13Beatty, bloody, bumfuck, bloody Johnson getting all the glory
38:18Maybe next year I can ask for a bigger pendulum
38:20Yes
38:23Oh, speaking of pendulums
38:27Looks like my election erection's coming out to play again
38:30Yes, it is
38:39Oh, I've brushed my teeth
38:41Fine, we'll just have sex
38:43Okay
38:47Come on
38:49Do you know, people really do underestimate me
38:51But I'd be shocked if after tonight Venturer don't try to poach me
38:54Or better yet, persuade me to be a mole
38:56And be a fantastic double agent
38:58Oh, open a little wider, Lizzie
39:00I can't get it in
39:02James the mole verica
39:04There
39:06That's the job, Lizzie
39:06Good girl
39:07Open up the bar
39:08I am a mole and I live in a hole
39:13I am a mole and I live in a hole
39:16I am a mole and I live in a hole
39:29Oh, Lizzie
39:33I am a kite
39:34And you are my bollard
39:53Oh, darling, you're home
39:57Congratulations, you won
39:59I made you breakfast
40:00You must be exhausted after all that celebrating
40:05I'm so sorry about that stupid fight that we had
40:10It was just my hormones
40:12It wasn't your fault at all
40:13But the baby
40:15Your baby
40:17I've been so mean to you, Paulie
40:19I just want us to be a proper little family
40:24I'm so happy
40:31You know, some women find that the second trimester is the horniest three months of their life
40:57Gerald
40:58I was in bed
41:01I've come to join you
41:08I can't believe Rupert actually did it
41:16He's Superman
41:17Should I be jealous?
41:18I'd do anything for Rupert, but it's you I'm really in love with
41:21You and Mrs. Thatcher
41:22Oh, I think my erection just died
41:25No, no, really
41:26Just stop talking about Mrs. Thatcher
41:29Sorry, sorry
41:31You know I want to be an MP, Charles
41:33And that's why you're getting married to a woman that you don't love
41:35And throwing away all your principles to work for a party
41:39That's taking away gay men's rights to even be considered human beings
41:43I'm going to change things
41:45From the inside
41:50Really?
41:51Why not?
42:01You know, Gerald congratulated me last night on being a perfect politician's wife
42:07Gerald is very drunk
42:10I mean, what does that even look like?
42:11Like, put up and shut up?
42:14Well, that's not your style, is it?
42:20You know I supported you because I don't think what happened to you was fair
42:24I can't deny anything Beatty said
42:28It's all true
42:29You don't have to
42:32You are a whole person
42:36And I love you
42:47I'll take the dogs out
42:55I adore you
42:56Thank you for supporting me
43:19Downing Street, we're just on the phone
43:21Mrs. Thatcher wants to see you
43:35I know it's smarts, darling
43:37Whatever you think about Rupert
43:39You know, I really couldn't do all this without your support
43:42All your ideas
43:44You're my secret weapon
43:45It cuts both ways, darling
43:48We're a team
43:49I think we've come out of this unpleasantness stronger than ever
43:53Look at him
43:54I mean
43:54There is no thing he is
43:55But he's Sir Lancelot
43:56Sir Fawkes-A-Lot
44:03You'll stop this feud with Rupert now
44:06Yes?
44:08Please
44:10I will
44:11Stop this feud with Rupert
44:25How did last night go for your mother? Did she call?
44:27Mm-mm, she didn't call
44:30Egg steady?
44:31No, I couldn't eat, Ty
44:35Mrs. Thatcher's third landslide
44:37Poor Mr. Kinnick, she'd just give up
44:39She's going to be Prime Minister forever
44:41Change is hard
44:42It scares people, so
44:44They stick with the status quo
44:47Well, that's depressing
44:49It's ready
44:50You've got to talk to Rupert
44:53What have you decided?
44:58Well, surely if he won the election
44:59I thought you'd want to know
45:03There's a press conference about to start at Downing Street
45:05Let's hear what Maggie has to say for herself, then
45:07It's not Mrs. Thatcher
45:08It's Rupert
45:15Thank you, gentlemen, ladies
45:17I've spoken to Mrs. Thatcher
45:19In light of the uncensored program
45:21The night before last
45:22And the coverage that broadcast generated
45:25I told the Prime Minister that
45:27Although I won my seat in yesterday's general election
45:29I do not want the scandal around me
45:31To distract from the important work that our government is doing
45:34It was therefore with deep regret
45:36That I tendered
45:37And the Prime Minister accepted
45:39My resignation as an MP
45:41And a Minister
45:45There'll be another statement in two courses
45:47Gentlemen
45:47Thank you very much
45:48Seems you've won after all, my lord
45:57One down
46:00Three to go
46:12Alright, tell me
46:14Do you need me to go?
46:26Your pleasure
46:26Do you need me to go a while?
46:33Otherwise, I want to earn a duke
46:38Love, love, love
46:42Love, love, love
46:42Love, love, love
46:44Again
46:45Love, love, love
46:48Love, love
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