- 3 days ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:02When I hold you baby, will your heart be close to me?
00:14I want to stay in your arms forever, only love can set you free.
00:48Hey Stuart, hey you're homosexual now, good on ya lad, thank you.
01:02Hey, I've heard you go Stuart, I'm made up for you pet, I hope you get yourself a bit
01:07of bum fun.
01:08Oh yeah, oh yeah, only love can set you free.
01:20Hello?
01:24Hello?
01:26That's weird.
01:42I'm happy coming out party Stuart.
01:45I'm happy coming out party Stuart.
01:46I'm happy coming out party Stuart.
01:47Oh, oh!
01:49Iron!
01:50Ow!
01:51For the hell's sake.
01:52Ow!
01:53Yay!
01:56Why?
01:57When I grow up, I'mma be a supermodel.
02:07How's she got me eye cheek?
02:09It's a bit sore to be honest ma'am.
02:11Why didn't you just look out the way of the cock Stuart?
02:13Not really sure.
02:13I've never known someone with such piss poor reflexes.
02:16Hey, remember Janice who drove over her husband in that hit and run?
02:19Oh yeah.
02:20Well I went to her 50th a couple of months ago, someone popped a champagne cork right into
02:24her rear.
02:25I was stuck in there for a week apparently.
02:27She can't catch a break can she Janice?
02:29Do you remember when she got wedged under that caravan at her engagement party?
02:32Poor cow.
02:34Oh for fuck's sake.
02:35The persecution went all over the floor.
02:37Thanks very much Stuart.
02:38Now we've got no booze.
02:40Hang on.
02:40I might have something in my office.
02:43Be hobby.
02:44For God for that.
02:45Hiya lads.
02:46Sorry I'm late.
02:47Hiya.
02:47Sal.
02:48Where have you been chick?
02:49I had to pick up Andrea.
02:50Who the fuck's Andrea?
02:52Oh.
02:53Oh hello little rabbit.
02:54Nice to meet you.
02:55You know Mel who played guitar for me at Pride?
02:57Yeah.
02:58Lovely Mel.
02:58She's popped in my Yorker for a week so I said I'd look after a rabbit.
03:01Oh.
03:02Right.
03:03Who wants a drink?
03:05Oh yeah.
03:06What is it Keith?
03:07Homebrew.
03:08I've fermented it meself.
03:09Oh how long for?
03:1137 years.
03:13There you go.
03:14Right.
03:14There.
03:15Would your little rabbit friend like a drink?
03:18Nah it's just tea total Keith.
03:19Ah right.
03:20There you go son.
03:21For my brave little gay warrior.
03:24We're all so proud of you.
03:26I mean physically you might be very very small and terribly weak.
03:31But mentally you are the biggest strongest person I know.
03:34Can't be coming out party Stuart.
03:36Right well.
03:37I would just like to raise a glass and say congratulations on becoming a homosexual Stuart.
03:43You know it takes a brave man to admit he likes to put another man's testicle in his mouth.
03:49Well I don't necessarily.
03:51To Stuart.
03:52Stuart.
03:55Stuart.
03:57Stuart.
03:58Here Stuart.
03:59Down it.
04:00Down it.
04:01Down it.
04:02Down it.
04:02Down it.
04:03Down it.
04:04Down it.
04:05Down it.
04:06Down it.
04:06Down it.
04:07Down it.
04:07Down it.
04:07Woo.
04:09Tristan is that the time?
04:10Well I'd better get the shop open.
04:12Down it.
04:13Oh my god that is fucking dire.
04:16Absolutely not.
04:17No I can't.
04:18Oh that is bloody lovely.
04:23Good morning carpet lovers.
04:25You've come at exactly the right time because we've got some cracking deals on our carpets
04:30today.
04:31So please.
04:32Come through.
04:33There you go lads.
04:34Alright.
04:35Hello.
04:36Hey come on.
04:38Now listen.
04:38Them carpets won't bite you you know.
04:41Oh mate.
04:43You are?
04:43Yeah do you want a carpets?
04:45We've got a sale on.
04:46You are mate.
04:47You are?
04:47The carpets are shaky.
04:49Come over here and say that you dickhead.
04:54What sort of things does Andrea eat hun?
04:56Can she have a Jammie Dodger?
04:57Nah I think it's just lettuce and that.
04:59Oh poor Andrea.
05:01I'd shoot myself in the face if I couldn't eat Jammie Dodgers.
05:03Where is Andrea chick?
05:05What do you mean?
05:06I mean where is Andrea?
05:08I'm not really sure how else to say it to be honest.
05:11Well she's here.
05:14Oh.
05:16That's strange.
05:18Andrea?
05:20What are you going to do lads?
05:22I can't lose Andrea.
05:23Mel's going to kill me.
05:24Andrea!
05:27Well don't worry chicks you can't have gone far.
05:29Especially with those big stupid ears.
05:31You see this is the reason I don't keep livestock.
05:34Andrea.
05:36Andrea.
05:36Andrea.
05:37Andrea.
05:39Andrea.
05:40Yeah?
05:42Oh sorry not you.
05:46Okay.
05:47Plan.
05:47We're going to split off the separate search parties.
05:50Lucinda, Neil and Sal.
05:53You're going to form one team.
05:55Stuart and Dickie you're going to come with me.
05:57Right.
05:57Let's find Andrea.
05:59Yay!
06:02You know it's funny isn't it?
06:04What's funny hon?
06:05We're all about to go on a search party for Andrea the Rabbit.
06:08But we're also on a constant search party life.
06:14The fuck are you on about Neil?
06:20Okay, let's go find Andrea.
06:22Yay!
06:29Greetings carpet lovers.
06:31I'm Keith from Keith's World of Carpets.
06:33And I'm crackers about carpets me.
06:35Let me guess.
06:36Your beautiful but overpowering wives.
06:39I've sent you here to buy some thick sturdy carpet.
06:43Am I right or am I right?
06:44We don't have wives.
06:46We're actually a couple.
06:47Oh I see.
06:49Oh Christ.
06:50Me gaydar must be malfunctioning.
06:51Still don't worry.
06:52Because here at Keith's World of Carpets you can be as homosexual as you want to be.
06:57Yeah.
06:57In fact we're hosting a coming out party today for a tiny little gay fella that works here.
07:02Now what is it you two penis enthusiasts are looking for?
07:05Carpets.
07:06Keith.
07:07Well you've come to the right place.
07:08Follow me and I will show you my carpet wonderland.
07:15I've just remembered.
07:16I've got to say a lot today.
07:18Right.
07:19Let's get stuck in.
07:20How are you lads?
07:23Andrea.
07:24Andrea.
07:25Andrea.
07:27Andrea.
07:28Does anyone else feel a bit light headed from Keith's drink?
07:32I wouldn't know chick.
07:33Couldn't keep it down.
07:34God awful stuff.
07:36Andrea.
07:37Andrea.
07:38Andrea.
07:39Andrea.
07:39Oh howay Andrea you silly knobhead.
07:42Why the hell anyone would want to own a frigging rabbit is beyond me.
07:46Ugly gormless big-eared twats.
07:48Oh that reminds me.
07:50I need to pay Dickie back for those Metallica tickets.
07:52You what?
07:53Oh.
07:53Oh I forgot you were with us.
07:56No no I was just saying that I need to transfer over the money for that Metallica concert we went
08:00to.
08:00Hang on though.
08:01What did you mean by that reminds me?
08:04Huh?
08:04You were talking about Andrea the rabbit and how gormlessly ugly she was.
08:08What is it about ugly gormless Andrea that reminded you of me?
08:12Oh it's nothing.
08:13Just ignore me and we'll do as she'll go.
08:16No come on.
08:17Well I just think you have certain qualities about you that sometimes resemble a rabbit.
08:22Jogging on you?
08:23It's only little things.
08:24Like what?
08:25Well your teeth, your nose and your eyes.
08:26That's basically my whole face.
08:28I can't actually believe I'm hearing this.
08:30I mean I've been called names before but never a frigging rabbit.
08:33Stuart.
08:34Do you think I look like a rabbit?
08:36Hmm?
08:38Do you think I look like a rabbit?
08:47Um.
08:50You know guys.
08:52I really do feel a sense of responsibility now.
08:55I know it sounds weird but I almost feel like the hand of destiny is guiding me down a new
09:03path to help other people in the queer community.
09:06Get over yourself Stuart you annoying little rat.
09:10Oh no.
09:15You're kidding me.
09:17What's the matter?
09:37What's going on?
09:39Oh.
09:40Sorry to intrude Keith.
09:41I needed to find a place to hide.
09:43Alright.
09:44Well then.
09:44You'll be my guest.
09:45Who is it ma'am?
09:48Paula.
09:49Paula Radcliffe?
09:50Hey if that Radcliffe bitch is here again.
09:52Scrambled free carpet samples.
09:53I will swear to God I'll-
09:54No.
09:55Not Paula Radcliffe.
09:57Paula.
09:58My ex-wife.
09:59What?
09:59Your ex-wife is here but I thought you said she'd move to Burris and Edmunds.
10:03She did.
10:03I've got no idea why she's back.
10:06But if she's here.
10:08Maybe that means he's here.
10:11Who?
10:12Ed.
10:13Ed Miliband.
10:14If that Miliband twat is here again.
10:16No.
10:16Not Ed Miliband.
10:18My son.
10:19Ed.
10:20Ah yeah.
10:21Makes more sense.
10:22I can't believe this is happening.
10:23I think I'm going to frigging hyperventilate.
10:26Right.
10:26I've got a plan.
10:27Me and Stuart will go over and try and eavesdrop on the conversation.
10:30If she says anything about Ed or why she's back in Borough.
10:33We'll let you know.
10:35I'm with Stuart.
10:37Send away!
10:41I need to get out of here Keith.
10:44Can you take me through the back door?
10:47I can get you out of here Matt.
10:50But it ain't gonna be easy.
10:54Then you sprinkle about 125 grams of mozzarella on top and then pop it in the oven for about 45
10:59minutes.
10:59Until it's a deep golden colour on top and crispy round on the edges.
11:02And that is the best way to cook a beef lasagna from scratch.
11:04I don't remember anyone asking you how to cook a beef lasagna from scratch Neil.
11:08How has Andrea just disappeared at this dinner?
11:11Don't stress hon we'll find her.
11:12She can't have gone far.
11:13I mean just how big is this place anyway?
11:15The size of two football pitches.
11:17How the hell do you know that?
11:19I've got freakishly good spatial awareness.
11:21And to be honest my depth perception is second to none.
11:23I mean I never need to measure a room when I buy new furniture.
11:25Oh Neil's the opposite.
11:27You can't get enough of measuring.
11:28He owns 28 tape measures don't you Neil?
11:31Neil?
11:33Neil?
11:35Where the bloody hell did Neil go?
11:41Andrea!
11:43Andrea!
11:45This is like a bloody rabbit hole.
11:50Andrea!
11:55That's it Keith.
11:56I made it out the air vent.
11:58What now?
11:59Right.
12:00Now shimmy towards that roll of mousy grey carpet and squat down behind it.
12:03But a warning.
12:04Paula is very close.
12:05So how is that one different to that one?
12:08You'll see a manual cover.
12:10Open it.
12:12Climb it.
12:13Bloody hell.
12:19I never noticed the softness of Keith's carpet.
12:22Shut up Stuart I can't hear what you're saying.
12:24Sorry Dicky I mean.
12:26I can't believe how soft they are.
12:28We need to get closer.
12:30Remember getting the carpet here years ago?
12:32Must have been 1993?
12:35The place hasn't changed a bit has it?
12:37I wouldn't know.
12:38I'm 22.
12:38Hey sorry listen to me going on at you.
12:41You don't want my life story do you?
12:43It's just weird to be back in Borough after all these years.
12:49Yeah I've actually moved back up here so hoping to start afresh you see.
12:55Sorry did you want a carpet or not?
12:57Right yes sorry the carpet of course.
13:00There was one I saw just over this way.
13:05Did you hear that Stuart?
13:06Stuart?
13:06She's moved back to Borough from Burryston Edmonds.
13:09Stuart?
13:10Stuart?
13:12What the fuck are you doing Stuart?
13:18And then I went to Aldi and I couldn't reach the shreddies on the top shelf.
13:22So I asked a big tall lad to help me.
13:24But instead of handing me the shreddies he picks me up, puts me on the top shelf and then just
13:29walks off.
13:29I was up there for three hours.
13:31It was in that moment I said to myself I am never wearing black shoes ever again.
13:38Sal!
13:39Sorry babe I wasn't listening to a word you said there.
13:43Cheers hun.
13:43I'm just really freaking out about Andrea the rabbit.
13:46Sal!
13:47I've never seen you so hysterical.
13:49Mel's never going to speak to me again.
13:52And well...
13:53I really like her.
13:54Look I wouldn't worry hun I'm sure we'll fa...
13:57Hang on a minute.
13:59Are you saying that you really like her like...
14:01Hiya Mel?
14:02Or you really like her like...
14:05Hiya Mel?
14:05It's more like...
14:08Hiya Mel.
14:10Oh...
14:11Yeah.
14:12What about Danny?
14:14I don't know babe.
14:15You know we're here for you whatever you decide.
14:18Come on.
14:20Let's go and see if the others have had any luck.
14:23I bet Neil's all over it.
14:30Hold.
14:32Hold.
14:34Hold.
14:35All clear.
14:36That was a close one Keith.
14:39Over.
14:39You're doing brilliantly man.
14:43Hello?
14:44Hello?
14:46You'd never know me artificial grass is fake.
14:50Go on.
14:51Touch it.
14:55Feels good doesn't it?
14:57Feels so real.
14:59Right.
15:00I'll take your shoes and socks off.
15:02And step on it.
15:05Go on Neil.
15:07Step on it.
15:33Go on Neil.
15:49Are you in position, ma'am?
15:52I am keen.
15:53Marvellous. Now, listen carefully, ma'am.
15:56In five minutes, a fella called Dave is due back from his break.
15:59Then he's going to push the trolley through your shop, out the back, and into the warehouse.
16:03Now, when you're feeling pushing you, keep your head down.
16:06Unless you want Paula to see you.
16:07Then when you're in the warehouse, you can get out and dash out the back door.
16:11Understand?
16:11Loud and quick, Heath.
16:13Good girl.
16:16God, this is just like Vietnam.
16:27She's just looking at carpets now.
16:29You know, Dickie, I feel really lucky.
16:33What are you whining on about now, Stuart?
16:35I was just thinking, even though my grandma doesn't approve of who I am,
16:39I'm so lucky to have friends who have showered me with love and acceptance.
16:44Not a lot of people have that, but I do.
16:47And so, well, I feel like one lucky guy.
16:54I'm going to do my fucking nutting today, you.
16:59Get off.
17:01Oh, for fuck's sake.
17:03Frickin' Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
17:05Oh, hiya, Harrison.
17:06Hiya, Bobby.
17:08Hiya, mate.
17:09Here, listen, we heard what you've been through with your grandma and that.
17:13Yeah, sorry, Stuart.
17:14But from what everyone said, you've been really brave about the whole situation.
17:17Oh, thanks, guys.
17:19Hasn't been the best of times, I won't lie, but I'm really feeling the love today.
17:24You know, not a lot of people know this, but I had a hard time coming out to my family
17:30as well.
17:31Didn't your parents take you on a trip to London to see Mamma Mia the musical when you came out?
17:34Yes, Harrison, but I wanted to see Miss Saigon.
17:37Stuart's not the only one who's had it hard.
17:39Well, I'll buy you a drink next time I see you out and about to say congratulations on your bravery,
17:43mate.
17:43Oh, thank you, Harrison.
17:47Boop.
17:50What are you two doing here, anyway?
17:52What do you think we're doing in a carpet shop?
17:53Balling.
17:56We've actually moved in together, so we're buying some flooring for the new house.
18:00So you've what?
18:01You've what?
18:01Are you deaf, babe?
18:02We've moved in together?
18:04Really excited about it, aren't we, darling?
18:06We are, yeah.
18:07Yeah.
18:09Congratulations.
18:10Right.
18:11How are, babe?
18:12I'm bored of this.
18:13Let's fuck off to the now.
18:20Are you okay, Dickie?
18:21Of course I'm okay, Stuart.
18:22Why wouldn't I be?
18:24I just didn't know there was still a couple, let alone living together.
18:28You know, Dickie, Neil had a point when he was talking all that gibberish earlier.
18:33We all go through life searching for different things, don't we?
18:36And I think you're a place in your life where you're simply searching for someone to love.
18:46Stop touching me, Stuart, you greasy pervert.
18:53I look quite pretty.
18:55I look quite pretty.
19:02Andrea?
19:03Andrea?
19:13Hey, Neil.
19:15It's you.
19:17I'm glad you're enjoying my artificial brass.
19:20But there's someone who needs you.
19:23Who?
19:23Andrea, the rabbit.
19:25And only you can save her.
19:29Only I can save her.
19:31Go, Neil.
19:32Go.
19:33And save the rabbit.
19:35Cuff up my legs.
19:36Go, Neil.
19:37Andrea needs you.
19:39How can I save the rabbit?
19:40What the fuck the hell are you waiting for?
19:43Go now.
19:45Andrea?
19:50Yeah, and then there was Karen.
19:52She was my third wife.
19:54Oh, was she my fourth?
19:55Anyway, she was a right bellender.
19:57Took me to the cleaners.
19:59So that's all right.
20:00I'm going to start a new life.
20:02So I went to Fiji.
20:03But don't ask me about Fiji.
20:05Oh, since you asked me about Fiji, let me tell you about Fiji.
20:08Fiji.
20:09Here.
20:11Where's man?
20:12Here.
20:14She's on the street.
20:15Oh, my God, there she is.
20:17But if you want to talk to her, just wait there.
20:21Ma'am?
20:22Are you here, Pete?
20:23Yeah, I'm going to read.
20:23Are you ready?
20:24Listen, what did you want to tell you this, bud?
20:26She's moved back to the area.
20:28Oh, evil cow!
20:30Who the hell are you calling an evil cow?
20:32Sorry.
20:34Not you.
20:37And you look, find an Andrea.
20:38Who the fuck's Andrea?
20:39The rabbit we're all meant to be looking for.
20:41Oh, yeah.
20:42Oh, look, I'm afraid.
20:44I'll butcher this.
20:49Hang on.
20:50You got CCTV, Keith?
20:51No, why?
20:52This shop is completely covered.
20:53No thieving bastard is going to take my carpets and get away with it!
21:00Maybe you'll be able to see Andrea on the cameras.
21:02Good idea.
21:05Look, it's Neil!
21:07What the hell is he doing?
21:11Andrea?
21:13Andrea?
21:14Andrea?
21:19Where are you going, Andrea?
21:21For God's sake!
21:47Curious, I'm curious.
21:53How the hell?
21:59Andrea?
22:01Careful, Andrea.
22:02If you hop off that edge, you'll hop to your death!
22:05Andrea!
22:06Yeah?
22:08Oh, sorry.
22:09Not you.
22:12What's Stuart doing up there?
22:14Can't lie.
22:15He does not look good on camera.
22:17It's Andrea!
22:19She looks like she's about to bunny dive off that shelving unit!
22:22No!
22:26Godspeed, you beautiful little weird horse.
22:33Oh, shit, she's there!
22:43Stuart!
22:44Why are you trying to push Andrea off the shelving unit, Stuart?
22:47I'm trying to save her, but she's not listening to me!
22:50You've got to grab her!
22:51I'm too scared.
22:52If I get too close to her, she'll hop off!
22:55We did it, ma'am.
22:56You're in the warehouse and you're home free.
23:06Mission accomplished, Keith.
23:08Cheers, chick.
23:14Choking on you!
23:22What's the fiddly point?
23:30Stuart!
23:33Stuart, grab her.
23:35Oh, I think I've got an idea!
23:38What's going on here?
23:39Long story short, Andrea's about to jump and Stuart's making it worse.
23:43Grab this.
23:44We need to position it underneath Andrea in case she falls.
23:47Oh, Dusty!
23:48Oh, man, we've got to get it over there!
23:49What are you doing?
23:50Grab her!
23:51Pull it!
23:52Pull it!
23:53What are you doing?
23:53Pull it!
23:54No!
23:56Carpet burn now!
23:57Forget it!
23:58It's not going to work!
24:03Oh, my God!
24:04It's Neil!
24:05He's on a scissor lift.
24:07Andrea!
24:08What's he doing on a scissor lift?
24:10I'm coming to serve you!
24:13Yes, Neil!
24:14Go on, Neil!
24:14You can do it, Neil!
24:16Go on, Neil!
24:16Go on!
24:17You can do it!
24:18Go on, Neil!
24:19Oh, he's like a soaring eagle!
24:21Go, King Kestrel!
24:28Go on, Neil!
24:29Come on, Neil!
24:30Come on, chick!
24:31You can do it!
24:32Go on, Neil!
24:44Dirty chunder!
24:46Oh, my God!
24:49Bloody hell, Neil!
24:50Stuart!
24:51This is it!
24:52Andrea's life is in your hands now!
24:55It's all down to you!
24:59It's all down to me!
25:03Andrea!
25:05Please don't jump!
25:07You've got so much to live for!
25:10Hey!
25:11Look at me!
25:13I know you're scared!
25:15But it's okay!
25:17Where are your family now?
25:21I know what you're going through!
25:23And it's okay that you're gay!
25:24I'm gay too!
25:28It's time for you to live your truth, Andrea!
25:31I mean, when you think about it,
25:34aren't we all just...
25:36little gay rabbits?
25:46I've got her!
25:47I've got her!
25:49Yay!
25:50Woo!
25:51Rabbit!
25:52Rabbit!
25:53Rabbit!
25:54Hey!
25:54Who's chopped up all over me floor?
25:59Sorry.
26:01You squat!
26:03Sorry.
26:08Oh, Dickie does look a bit like a rabbit.
26:11Stop fucking touching me, Stuart.
26:23May I present to you the one, the only, Stuart Park.
26:30Oh, you're looking fucking lush there, Stuart.
26:33Absolutely stunning.
26:33Nice ass.
26:34He's all suited and booted for his first ever date.
26:37How are you feeling about it, Stuart?
26:40I'm really nervous.
26:42Oh, just be yourself, honey, you can't go wrong.
26:44Got any pictures of the lads, Stuart?
26:46No, my workmate set me up, so it's kind of like a blind date.
26:50But what if he's dog ugly?
26:52Oh, yeah, good point.
26:54Oh, I don't think I'd really mind, you know.
26:57I'm more of a personality guy.
27:00Well, you'll all be pleased to know that I've also got a date tonight.
27:05Oh, how exciting chick, who is the lucky bastard?
27:10Well, I haven't met him yet either.
27:11Oh, yeah, I've joined the date now.
27:13It's for older rich men who are looking to meet young, smooth twinks like me.
27:18And there's a wealthy daddy who likes to look at my photos and wants to treat me for dinner.
27:22Oh, exciting.
27:24That's nice, rich little OAP for you.
27:26Have you got any pictures?
27:28I do actually, Lucinda.
27:29Thank you for asking.
27:31Here we go.
27:33What's that?
27:34It's a foreshore copy of his bank statement.
27:36Yeah, the older rich men receive photos of the twinks,
27:39and us twinks receive photographic evidence of their wealth.
27:44Oh, that's fascinating.
27:45Jesus fucking wept, what's that smell?
27:47Oh, yeah.
27:48Ooh.
27:49It might be my new fragrance.
27:52I got it from Argos.
27:53You got a fragrance from Argos?
27:55What's it remind me of?
27:56I can't put my finger on it.
27:58It's like, you know, it's like...
28:03Oh, that's it.
28:05Cabbage sauteed and dog shit.
28:07That's it, yeah.
28:08Yeah, exactly.
28:09Here, let's spray a bit of this to mask it.
28:13Is that air freshener?
28:15It is, chick.
28:17Oh, smells like a fresh summer breeze.
28:20I actually think I'm going to cancel tonight.
28:22Oh, you can't do that.
28:23What if you still love your life?
28:24I just, I don't think I'm quite ready to date.
28:27Tell you what, I'll come to the restaurant as a secret chaperone.
28:31That way, I'm there if you need me,
28:33but I'm distant enough for you to still enjoy your date.
28:36I guess that could work.
28:38Yay, and we'll come along with secret chaperones as well.
28:41Um, well, you don't all have to...
28:44Oh, don't be silly, we wouldn't miss it.
28:45Yay!
28:46Yay!
28:49Ow, my eyes!
28:51Eat me, sorry, chick.
28:56When I grow up, I'ma be a supermodel.
29:14Ciao, bello, welcome, friend.
29:17You must be a steward.
29:19Yeah, how did you know?
29:20We've been expecting you'll be a faster, bigger debt.
29:24Follow me.
29:28I'm a sexy little gay boy.
29:31And this is your date for the evening.
29:39Hiya.
29:40I'm Stuart.
29:41I'm Bradley.
29:43Ah, I can already feel in the lab.
29:46I'm blossoming.
29:49Hey, Linda, someone's blocked the women's loo.
29:52You are fucking kidding me.
29:54Hey, that's a certain fucking time this week.
29:56What the bloody hell are these women eating?
30:00What a bit either.
30:06I've never done the whole dating thing before.
30:09Sorry if I seem a bit nervous.
30:11Don't worry.
30:13I get nervous all the time.
30:15Can I get you to drink, lads?
30:22Want wine?
30:25Wine.
30:26Yeah, white.
30:27White.
30:28White.
30:28Yeah.
30:29White's fine.
30:33Right.
30:34Where's our stew then?
30:36What?
30:36What's your hair like?
30:37Oh, shit.
30:39Remember, we've got to pretend we don't know him.
30:47That's fine.
30:47There is a shit.
30:48That's fine.
30:50It's fine.
31:00Buongiorno.
31:01See you.
31:02I mean, you're for you.
31:04Yes and nice.
31:06Yes.
31:07Yes.
31:07Yes.
31:08Yes.
31:10Yes.
31:11Yes.
31:11Yes.
31:13Here, Mum. I need you to give these coleslawes out to all the tables. Tell them they're complimentary.
31:18I accidentally ordered too much and now I can't get rid of the bastard stuff.
31:21Of course, chick. I really appreciate you letting me do this, Linda.
31:24It's his first ever date. A bit nervous, but I'm alone.
31:27Oh, absolutely, no fucking problem anymore, Mum. Tell me the truth, you're doing me a favour.
31:30I've had three people calling sick. Fucking skivers. And we're fully booked tonight.
31:34I'm glad I could help.
31:35Oh, actually, why hasn't I got you? Women's bog needs some blocking if you wouldn't mind sorting it out.
31:41Of course, chick.
31:43Oh, bienvenuti, welcome, friend. Come in, come in. You have a table book?
31:46No, we were hoping we could just squeeze in.
31:49Oh, for all tonight, not strategia Fridays.
31:53Oh, once a free, a coleslaw.
31:59Oh, it's a big old menu, isn't it?
32:02They say it's Italian, but you can get anything you want.
32:05Last time I was here, I had a chicken chow mein and arabiata sauce.
32:08Oh?
32:09Do you fancy shading a spaghetti bolognese starter?
32:13Well, when in Rome.
32:18You smell amazing.
32:21It's like, I don't know, a fresh summer breeze.
32:25Oh, thanks very much.
32:35We can't let on that we know Stuart because we don't want to embarrass him.
32:39So, let's be as incognito as possible when we're spying.
32:43Got you.
32:44Understood.
32:49Does it look like it's gone well?
32:51I can't really hear from this far away.
32:53Shall we shuffle closer?
32:54I think we're going to have to.
33:03Soz, I'm late. I went to the park and got stuck in a swing.
33:06What the fuck are you doing?
33:07We're just trying to eavesdrop on Stuart and his date.
33:11Fucking hell.
33:13Would anyone like to try the wine?
33:15Oh, yeah.
33:16Yeah, go on then.
33:17I like wine too.
33:30Aye, that's not bad, that.
33:39Aye, we'll have four pa mores, yeah?
33:42Oh.
33:44Good choice.
33:51No pax, no pax.
33:53I'm just trying to live my life.
33:55Bastards.
33:57Hiya, Dicky, Jake.
33:58Hiya, ma'am.
34:00Sorry, Dicky.
34:01Did you want us to follow you in as well?
34:02No, piss off, Gary.
34:04I told you, you're not meant to speak to me.
34:07What's this all about, Jake?
34:08Is he here?
34:09Who?
34:09I met you at the affluent date.
34:11Oh, no, he hasn't arrived yet.
34:13Oh, for God's sake.
34:14I was wanting him to see that I'm also rich as fuck, so he wouldn't have to worry about
34:17making me sign a prenup.
34:19I have to say, you look like a proper rich bitch.
34:22Aye, wait.
34:23I'll show you to your table.
34:25Dicky's here.
34:25Hiya.
34:26Hello, Dicky.
34:27You all right, bud?
34:27I'm sorry, I'm about to change, I mean.
34:33Hey, Dicky, I've been thinking, how do you know which rich old codger you're meeting
34:38if you'd never seen him before?
34:40Well, he's told me to look out for a silver fox wearing a yellow handkerchief in his jacket
34:43pocket.
34:44Oh, exciting, yeah.
34:47You know, back in my day, wearing a yellow handkerchief used to signify that you were into
34:52piss play.
34:55It was a simpler time.
34:57Aye, Mum, what are you doing?
34:59Table 7 needs our starters.
35:00I'm, uh, I'm on me break, Linda.
35:03You've only just started your shift.
35:10Mia Bella come to me, for my heart is longing for you.
35:20Oh, God.
35:22Mia Bella see you wave.
35:25So what's Jost, I know you're?
35:28It's Sagittarius.
35:31You're joking, aren't you?
35:32No, why?
35:33I'm totally incompatible with Sagittarius
35:39Oh, sorry about that
35:40I wouldn't normally even associate with a Sagittarius if I'm being totally honest
35:44Right, I'm not really sure what to say to that
35:48I'm a Taurus, you see, so I'm like proper grounded and down to earth
35:52And you're like the complete opposite
35:55I don't know, I'd say I'm quite grounded
35:59Sagittarius would say that
36:03Right, I'll just pop into the loo
36:05It could be a while because I like to do a sit-down wee
36:07Which means that sometimes a number two slips out
36:13How's it going on?
36:15I'm not sure he's into me
36:16How can he not be?
36:18You're probably just nervous and not being yourself
36:20The key is to just be completely authentic
36:24On whatever you do, don't tell him you're a Sagittarius
36:32There you go
36:33That'll do on the coleslaw, Mum
36:36Ooh, what's that?
36:41More coleslaw
36:53Hey, chick
36:54Oh, hello, dear
36:55Have you booked a table?
36:57Yes, I believe I'm meeting a young, handsome chap
37:00Oh, you must be Dickie's date
37:03You are in for a treat
37:05Follow me
37:07Dessert's next
37:12Dickie, I believe your date has arrived
37:14No
37:16No, this can't be right
37:17What?
37:19What's the matter?
37:20I'm meeting this person
37:24Yeah, that's me
37:25This can't be you
37:27The chap in the photo has got a soft, youthful complexion
37:33Like that one there
37:35And he's got a firm, athletic body
37:38With an arse that won't quit
37:39Er, hello?
37:42No offence, but your arse looks like it's quitting a long time ago
37:46How can I not take offence of that, you cheeky old twat?
37:48Where did you buy your arse from?
37:50Pancakes or us?
37:51It's not even a real shop
37:52You know, you really shouldn't lie on your dating profile
37:56Goodbye
38:00You couldn't let us attend for a taxi, could you?
38:03Piss off
38:07Mind your business, Lucinda
38:09You nosy bitch
38:13Here's some more coleslaw
38:15Oh, I bloody love the pommel, mate
38:21Oh, sorry Danny, that's actually my bowl of ketchup
38:25You've got your own one
38:26Oh, sorry, mate
38:43Hey, isn't that your pommel, Sal?
38:46Er, I can't really tell from over here
38:48I'm sure it is, I'll just check
38:50Mel!
38:51Mel!
38:52I'm sure she's probably busy
38:53Mel!
38:55Hey, guys
38:56How do?
38:57Hey, how you on?
38:58You look nice
38:59What's the occasion?
39:01I'm actually just here on a date
39:02Yeah, there's a lot of dates going on tonight
39:04We're having a double date
39:05Dickie's having a date
39:06And Stuart's having his first date
39:08But we're pretending we don't know him
39:09Gotcha
39:10Babe
39:12Oh, hi
39:13Guys, this is Arabella
39:15Hi, Arabella
39:16She's off from London
39:17She's filming some TikTok videos
39:19Oh, that's exciting
39:20Yeah
39:20I don't know if any of you guys follow me
39:23But basically
39:24I go to really shit towns
39:25And just rip the absolute piss out of them
39:27But people fucking love it
39:30Anyway
39:30Mel, babe
39:31I'm City Devo
39:32They don't have any fucking tables
39:34Why don't you join us?
39:36Say what?
39:36Anna, where the frig are they gonna sit?
39:38We can all squeeze in
39:40Don't worry about those
39:41We'll just try TGI's
39:42Babe, I told you
39:43I can never go to that place again
39:45After last time
39:46When I ordered plant-based chicken
39:47And they brought out a chicken drumstick
39:49On top of a pot plant
39:50So
39:51Thank you for your kind offer
39:53New friends
39:54We preciously accept
39:56Can we get some fucking chairs, please?
40:03I don't understand
40:05I always get told my bum looks like
40:06It's been under a steamroll
40:07I mean
40:07I just assumed that was a compliment
40:10Hey
40:11There's absolutely nothing wrong with your ridiculously flat jacksy
40:14Some people love an arse so flat it's nearly inverted
40:17If I can't even get a dirty old gadget like that to go on a date with me
40:20What have I got in finding anyone else?
40:28Mmm
40:28I was with the days
40:31Man
40:31Table six have been waiting on their katsu curry for half an hour
40:34I won't tell you
40:36Again
40:53I'm about ready to go
40:55Meet you down the alley across the road in five minutes
41:06Ah
41:09Ah
41:34Excuse me, begs, is this the only exit?
41:37Iris, well, apart from the fire exit in the kitchen.
41:42Oi, are you the new sous-chef, you late dickhead?
42:07Are you the new sous-chef?
42:09Yeah, sorry I'm the HF.
42:12Where'd you want me?
42:16How do, Stu?
42:17Fucking hell.
42:18How's it gone?
42:19He's been gone for ages, Sal.
42:21I think he might have done a runner.
42:23Surely not, babe.
42:26Unless you told him that you're a Sagittarius.
42:32Oh.
42:34I didn't realise you'd still be here.
42:42Heya, ma'am, there's a dead rat stuck in one of the traps.
42:45Be your lover chucking in the wheel you've been, will ya?
42:47I'll be busy at the minute, Linda.
42:48Can you not do it?
42:49I'm on violin duty.
42:51Hmm.
43:18What's that?
43:18What's that?
43:19What's that?
43:20I'm still waiting for the starters.
43:21Do you go, ma'am.
43:22No!
43:26Oh!
43:27Shit, now.
43:30Cauliflowers.
43:31Oh.
43:33I think I burnt these cauliflowers.
43:36You're a fucking moron.
43:38So it's about my herbs.
43:42Oh.
43:43I don't know.
43:43Where's that gone, then?
43:46I think my blister must have fallen off into one of those starters.
44:03Oh, fuck me!
44:05Linda is pissing me right off.
44:07Tell me about that.
44:08You know, just because Helen and Darren and Sophie called in sick class the way out last night and got
44:12hammered doesn't mean she should call to us like shit.
44:14Ma'am!
44:16Ow!
44:25Don't you guys just miss London when you're up here?
44:27I mean, I know it's pure fucking chaos, but my God, there's just an energy down there that you just
44:31don't get anywhere else.
44:32Do you know what I mean?
44:34I've actually never been to London.
44:37Are you being serious?
44:40What the actual fuck?
44:42I don't think I've ever met anybody who hasn't been to London.
44:46Wow.
44:47God, it's mind blown.
44:49I mean, good for you.
44:50You go girl.
44:52Like, gosh.
44:53I mean, you've never been up the Shard?
44:56I've been up Rosby Tobin.
45:03Listen, Danny, you really can't just go around stealing other people's ketchup.
45:07Some people rely on ketchup to be able to eat their food.
45:10You gonna let your dickhead friends talk to me like that, so?
45:13Er, who are you calling dickhead?
45:14Who do you think?
45:15Danny Bear, please don't talk to people like that.
45:18I'll talk to people how the fuck I want.
45:20Whose side are you on?
45:22Wow.
45:22I mean, I knew it was rough up here, but I never expected to witness such a horrific aggression first
45:27happened.
45:28Are Rebella babe?
45:28Yeah?
45:29Sometimes it's just best to keep your mouth shut.
45:31Why?
45:32Well, they attack me.
45:36Like and subscribe if I survive.
45:50So, Chef, how long you been working here for then?
45:53We haven't got time for small talk, mate.
45:55Peel them potatoes.
45:57Please don't go amiss.
45:58Can you show me the fuck up?
45:59Please?
46:00What?
46:01The table's waiting.
46:02Look at our garden, Ramsay.
46:03Calm yourself down.
46:03They can wait a bit longer, can't they?
46:05Don't speak to me like that in my kitchen.
46:06Why was it your kitchen?
46:07You don't own it.
46:08And I'm sorry, I don't peel potatoes.
46:11Because the repetitive peeling process sometimes, that's what I say.
46:13Listen here, you little flat-ass weasel.
46:15If you've got to keep this fucking job, you do as I say.
46:17Do I make myself clear?
46:19Take a chill pill, Quillity bill.
46:21Never worked with such an obnoxious shithead.
46:23Cry about it.
46:24You cry about it.
46:25You cry about it.
46:26No, you cry about it.
46:27You cry about it.
46:28You cry about it.
46:29You cry about it.
46:30You cry about it.
46:30You cry about it.
46:33Nobody's ever spoken to me like it.
46:35Cry about it.
46:54So, here's a funny one.
46:59Hiya.
47:00Did you get a text?
47:02Yeah, fucking Sagittarius.
47:04Can you believe my luck?
47:05No.
47:06Fuckin' joke, babe.
47:11yeah
47:11I think he's waiting here
47:13why are we still waiting on table 11's
47:17dessert
47:17what does she mean
47:22again you've been kissing other sous chefs
47:24no
47:26not today anyway
47:29I can't believe I'm here in this
47:30me and you
47:32we're done
47:35here you go babes
47:36these are table 11's
47:39who the fuck are you
47:45Becky
47:46desserts
48:04well I'm only here one more time
48:06today thank fuck but annoyingly I'm back in a couple of weeks that is the problem with getting
48:10a hip tiktok account from trashing shit towns you actually have to go to the shit towns
48:14I could go to the
48:15I could go anywhere but I do have one more time
48:20yeah I know the nerve of it honestly so blasé
48:25Sagittarius
48:27still here
48:29mum table five needs clearing
48:35oh we've got a fucking good connection haven't we babe I mean we fuck by rabbits
48:47how many
48:48sorry
48:48it's all right how many more sous chefs are they
48:53what does it matter
48:55it's in the past now
48:57I just need to know
49:01well I'll start playing Tetris on a boat for a few ten minutes
49:04get the hint
49:05you know me babe
49:06can't do with Sagittarius assholes
49:10do you mind about
49:11I swear there must be a binge use distillery in Middlesbrough because the whole town makes of it
49:21oh god
49:22don't even think about it
49:29I'm warning you
49:53what the fuck are you doing
49:56don't mess with my ketchup bitch
50:23no I can't hear ya
50:26ok bye babe
50:27love you bye
50:29sorry about that
50:30wrong number
50:33fucking Sagittarius
50:43what the hell he's all doing
50:45this is embarrassing
50:48not one of you has hit Stuart
51:15fucking hell do it
51:22You know, even though he wasn't the one, I'm glad I've broken my date virginity.
51:28How do you find working as a sous-chef, hon?
51:30Something to put on the CV, isn't it, babes?
51:32Best thing was, I got a snog off the chef.
51:35Yeah, of course you did, hon.
51:36I did.
51:37I believe you.
51:38You don't sound like you believe me, Lucinda, with that patronising tone of yours.
51:41Listen, I'd just like to say sorry that I let my anger get the better of me tonight, guys.
51:46I just really bloody love ketchup.
51:49Don't apologise, babe.
51:51It's not your fault.
51:52Danny gets pleasure out of antagonising.
51:55It's just who she is.
51:57And if I'm honest, I'm done with it.
52:06You lot ready?
52:08Yeah, go on.
52:08Yeah, go on, ma'am.
52:10Ready, just do it, just do it.
52:11Rinse me.
52:13Oh, God!
52:14Oh, it's the other one!
52:15Oh, feel the wetness.
52:17It's mine.
52:19Oh, I'm so fucking out there, look at it.
52:21We should have tuned in.