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00:00:11The End
00:00:37After the three of us finished filming in Zimbabwe,
00:00:42we thought we'd never work together ever again.
00:00:46But because Amazon's lawyers are better than our lawyers,
00:00:50here we are!
00:00:53We are literally propelled onto your screen by small print,
00:00:57which I didn't read.
00:00:58I couldn't read the small print. I can't read anything.
00:01:01Exactly. Anyway, listen, here's the deal.
00:01:05Amazon's lawyers have told us that we must come together once more
00:01:10and reminisce about all of our exploits and adventures on the Grand Tour.
00:01:17But there is a bit of a problem with that,
00:01:19because my colleague here, my former colleague,
00:01:21well, my current... my colleague again, let's say, Mr Hammond,
00:01:25has no memory at all.
00:01:27None.
00:01:27Or have you?
00:01:29I can't remember.
00:01:30I don't remember anything.
00:01:32I know we worked together.
00:01:34Yes, we do.
00:01:35But I have no recollection of doing genuinely nothing.
00:01:39Do you remember which one you were?
00:01:41Which supermarket we worked in? I don't know.
00:01:43Anyway, we're all here together now,
00:01:45in an old people's home,
00:01:46we're going to reminisce and you're going to try and keep up.
00:01:49Can you remember, for example, going to Morocco?
00:01:53Er, drove down a ski slope in Jaguars?
00:01:58No, that wasn't Morocco.
00:01:59You were in an MX-5.
00:02:01In Morocco?
00:02:03Yes, and I was in that thing that went...
00:02:05that company that went bust.
00:02:06The orange one.
00:02:07Yeah.
00:02:07Anyway, yes, there was that.
00:02:08So I had an MX-5 in Morocco?
00:02:10You're getting muddled up.
00:02:11We were in Colorado, Telluride.
00:02:15In an MX-5?
00:02:16No, that's the Jaguars going down the ski slopes.
00:02:18In Morocco?
00:02:19No, in Colorado.
00:02:22Go back to the beginning, the very beginning.
00:02:25Can you remember driving through a desert
00:02:29and we all had Mustangs,
00:02:30slightly different Mustangs, all specials?
00:02:33We got to an enormous event.
00:02:34There was a band on the stage.
00:02:35Yes, exactly.
00:02:36Hothouse Flowers.
00:02:37Yes!
00:02:37I can see clearly now the rain has gone
00:02:45I can see all obstacles in my way
00:02:52Gone off the dark clouds that had me blind
00:02:57Gonna be a bright, sunshiny day
00:03:05Think I can make it now, the pain is gone
00:03:09Think I can make it now, the pain is gone
00:03:12All of the bad feelings have disappeared
00:03:18Here is the rainbow I've been praying for
00:03:23It's gonna be a bright, sunshiny day
00:03:28Oh, it's gonna be a bright, sunshiny day
00:03:32Think I can make it now, the pain is gone
00:03:37No, the bad feelings have disappeared
00:03:44I can see clearly now the rain has gone
00:03:48Gone off the dark, sunshiny day
00:03:54Gone off the dark, sunshiny day
00:03:58Which I can take it away
00:04:11guitar solo
00:04:24Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,ators
00:04:42Oh, oh, oh, sunshine, yeah
00:04:47Oh, oh, oh, sunshine
00:04:52Oh, oh, sunshine
00:05:01Oh, oh, oh, sunshine
00:05:04Oh, oh, oh, sunshine
00:05:09Oh, oh, oh, sunshine
00:05:15Oh, oh, oh, sunshine
00:05:20Oh, oh, sunshine
00:05:21Oh, oh, sunshine
00:05:22Oh, oh, oh, sunshine
00:05:53Oh, hello.
00:05:56Mate!
00:05:56Mate! Mate! Thank God you're here!
00:06:00What's the matter with him?
00:06:01Well, for the first time in my life, I'm rather glad you're here
00:06:06because he thinks he's discovered an ancient civilisation
00:06:09and he got very excited.
00:06:11And I couldn't say, no, Hammond, it's not real.
00:06:13It's a film set.
00:06:15That is where they filmed Astrid Snoblitz
00:06:17and that is where they filmed Game of Thrones.
00:06:29I'll tell you what this place has never been used at.
00:06:32What?
00:06:33A racetrack.
00:06:36Right, are we ready, James May?
00:06:38In three, two, one, begin!
00:06:49Oh, where's the bend?
00:06:55Oh, balls!
00:06:57Do you know what worries me most of all?
00:06:59It's the poor little man who's mortgaged his house to start Xenos.
00:07:03And that he's lent it to us on the television all over the world.
00:07:06Which one's driving it?
00:07:08Oh, no.
00:07:12Heading for Nazareth, I think.
00:07:19Oh!
00:07:21All over the place.
00:07:29Round and round the thingy.
00:07:32Go on!
00:07:38Fast, faster, faster.
00:07:50Well, this only goes up to 999 hours, sadly.
00:07:56Right.
00:07:57But it's okay, you were just in that time.
00:07:59Awesome!
00:08:00James, did you manage to drive whilst dragging your face along the ground?
00:08:04A lot of dust comes in.
00:08:05Why don't you wind the windows up?
00:08:08You're funny men.
00:08:11In three, two, one, go!
00:08:21Let's make this count.
00:08:26Oh, no!
00:08:37Sideways in linen.
00:08:53End of thrones, sir.
00:09:03Understeering.
00:09:05Turn, turn!
00:09:09Come on, let's get that turbocharger singing.
00:09:13Pin it now.
00:09:26Well, he arrived.
00:09:28Ready? Yes.
00:09:29In three, two, one, go.
00:09:34Right, this is it.
00:09:53Can't afford a single error.
00:10:05Can't afford a single error.
00:10:10Oh, this is a hot lap.
00:10:22Here he comes.
00:10:25Oh!
00:10:39Don't look over that edge.
00:10:41But there's a bit of lead that gets really steep.
00:10:45People do this for fun, yeah?
00:10:47Not in old Jags.
00:10:48Oh, yeah, you're right.
00:10:53We set off.
00:10:56Gingerly.
00:10:59Just an ordinary drive.
00:11:00Just an ordinary drive.
00:11:02Just an ordinary drive.
00:11:04Oh.
00:11:12It's in case I need to bail out.
00:11:16Steering wheel's working a bit.
00:11:23Oh, God.
00:11:24What you've got to be wary of is losing the back of the car.
00:11:29Oh, Christ.
00:11:31Practice braking.
00:11:32Practice braking.
00:11:34Nothing.
00:11:37I'm just going to write a book while we don't stop.
00:11:40Yeah, here we are.
00:11:40Still not stopping.
00:11:42Picking up speed.
00:11:43Oh, my God.
00:11:45Got no control now.
00:11:50Oh, my giddy heart.
00:11:53This is quick now.
00:11:59I don't even change up again.
00:12:01That was a mistake.
00:12:02That was a massive mistake.
00:12:07Just going a straight line.
00:12:08You're faster.
00:12:13Just turn, turn, turn, turn, turn.
00:12:18But none of us died, and then Jag's skiing started to come together.
00:12:34Oh, yes, this is... I'm slalom skiing now, is what I'm doing, and I'm doing it well.
00:12:46Eventually, we started on the final leg down into the town,
00:12:50and Richard and I got into a bit of a race.
00:12:55Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
00:12:57Give me a little bit more go.
00:13:01Whoa! That was a biggie.
00:13:04Meanwhile, a little further back...
00:13:09I've got a brake warning light on. I don't know what that means.
00:13:12Padware, system failure, God knows.
00:13:18There's the town.
00:13:20We're coming in hot and stylishly.
00:13:24And we wouldn't have to walk to the hotel in silly boots.
00:13:28We'd simply drive there.
00:13:31Oh, hello.
00:13:33Whoa!
00:13:39Oh, no!
00:13:41Oh, there's been an accident!
00:13:48Ah.
00:13:49Damn.
00:13:50Right.
00:13:53Only we.
00:13:55No, look.
00:13:56We meant to park them there.
00:13:58They look good.
00:13:59Oh, no.
00:14:01Well, just keep working brakes for another ten seconds or so.
00:14:06Exactly where we wanted them to be.
00:14:08And that's where they are, and that's good.
00:14:10Anyway, the thing is that we got here, well, there, without a single problem and with a very definite conclusion.
00:14:20By an ex-JR.
00:14:22Whoa, no, hang on.
00:14:23The whole point of this exercise was to demonstrate Jaguar's reliability as a make.
00:14:27Yes, but we have, and we've also...
00:14:29What?
00:14:30Oh.
00:14:35That opening in the desert, we set a very high bar with that, didn't we?
00:14:39Yep, so high we never got near it again, if we're honest.
00:14:44No, we didn't.
00:14:45We really didn't.
00:14:48It is amazing, though, when we're forced to sit here remembering and reminiscing, what has stuck in the mind?
00:14:57Rationing.
00:14:58Is it amazing?
00:15:00Yeah.
00:15:02Well, ordinarily, you go through a day and you're not thinking about what you've done with your life,
00:15:05but when you're forced by Amazon's lawyers to do it, lots of things stick.
00:15:11Yeah, there was an old car factory in Detroit where we had muscle cars.
00:15:17Yeah.
00:15:17You've got to remember that.
00:15:19No.
00:15:19You designed a race track, stupidly, actually, because muscle cars were going in a straight line and you designed this
00:15:25ridiculous...
00:15:26Wait, wait, yes, I do, I do.
00:15:28And then we couldn't get off a beach and we were towing skiers and the Queen was in the back
00:15:33of the car.
00:15:33What a day.
00:15:37Because the track had been built by the world's most accident-prone driver, we thought it best that the God
00:15:44-fearing Exorcist should christen it.
00:15:56It's so bumpy.
00:16:00What the hell is this?
00:16:11Or is that some sort of chicane he's put in there?
00:16:15Whoa!
00:16:17Slippery.
00:16:17That's slippery as hell.
00:16:19Wait, that...
00:16:20That's unbelievably narrow.
00:16:23What's he thinking of?
00:16:30Oh, hello.
00:16:32Here he comes.
00:16:38After his run, James couldn't wait to give Hammond some constructive feedback.
00:16:44I just want to say, Hammond, you witless dishcloth.
00:16:47That is the worst race track I've ever been round.
00:16:49It's slippery.
00:16:50It's full of holes.
00:16:51It's full of obstacles for you to crash into.
00:16:54It's narrow.
00:16:55Challenging, is it technical?
00:16:55It's not challenging.
00:16:56It's only about that much bigger than the car and it's made of butter.
00:17:01And it appears to be full of asbestos waste.
00:17:04Oh, it is full of asbestos.
00:17:05Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
00:17:05Oh, well, thank you.
00:17:06Sorry.
00:17:07Close your window.
00:17:15All of us then set about our practice laps on Hammond's death trail.
00:17:20Thin bits.
00:17:21Oh, God.
00:17:22Oh, God.
00:17:24You'll see bloody thing.
00:17:29My own car doesn't fit round my own race track.
00:17:33What have I done?
00:17:36Despite the peril, though, we gave it everything.
00:17:44And by the end of the session, there was nothing in it.
00:17:47Between the demon and the exorcist.
00:17:51The Mustang, though, that was in a league of its own.
00:18:0856.4.
00:18:12Yes, your fastest.
00:18:14Well, of course it's the fastest.
00:18:15It's a muscle car that handles.
00:18:18However, these were just unofficial practice laps.
00:18:22Now it was time for the one-shot winner-takes-all real thing.
00:18:30In...
00:18:31Three...
00:18:31Two...
00:18:32One...
00:18:32Begin!
00:18:33One...
00:18:48Massive bump.
00:18:50Oh, God.
00:18:57Hammond.
00:19:00Slippery
00:19:04And here he is
00:19:06Here he comes
00:19:12I pooped myself
00:19:13Funny noise
00:19:16However, the trouser accident had clearly been worth it
00:19:20You've just broken your own record
00:19:23Oh, that's remarkable
00:19:2459.66
00:19:26Really?
00:19:27Yep
00:19:27I'm happy with that
00:19:28And I haven't hit any famous musicians
00:19:30Or bits of old car factory
00:19:34Next, it was the turn of corporal crash
00:19:39Where's the fire engine gone?
00:19:41Fire engine's over there
00:19:42Ambulance is
00:19:43Oh, we're all comedians today
00:19:45Yeah
00:19:46Remember, if you lose to James May
00:19:48It's more humiliating
00:19:50It's worse than death
00:19:52In three, two, one, go
00:19:59Looking for grip
00:20:01Turn in neat, crisp
00:20:03By the edge
00:20:03Whoa
00:20:05Oh, he's gone over the edge
00:20:07Again
00:20:09Again
00:20:14Hammond's lap's going well
00:20:15Yeah, isn't it?
00:20:24Is that Madonna?
00:20:25That's Madonna
00:20:25Yeah, I don't know
00:20:29And we're in the open
00:20:32Oh, Christ
00:20:36Yes, Luke
00:20:37Beelzebub's got a bit of understeer there
00:20:42That felt good
00:20:43It felt like a quick one
00:20:47I don't know how to put this to you, but
00:20:53No
00:20:55No, no, no
00:20:56No, no, no
00:20:570.4 of a second
00:20:58Slower than James May
00:21:01This is what death feels like
00:21:03Yep, okay
00:21:04Get out of the demon
00:21:05We've done the demon and the exorcist
00:21:07It's time for the blue nun
00:21:09Blue nun
00:21:10Yeah
00:21:11Yeah
00:21:15Totally pointless waste of time there
00:21:18We've established the Mustang is the fastest
00:21:20By an enormous margin
00:21:25But I'll go and do it, I suppose
00:21:29Jeremy Smug in My Little Pony
00:21:32Are you ready?
00:21:33In three, two, one, begin
00:21:44Oh, yes
00:21:45This is a properly sorted track car
00:21:48That's what we're looking at here
00:21:51Properly sorted, it may be
00:21:53But I had a plan that would spoil its afternoon
00:21:58You're running
00:21:59I know, but you'll see
00:22:00I've got to get down to this corner before he gets back
00:22:03Help me tip this over
00:22:04What is it?
00:22:06It's organic palm oil
00:22:07Very slippery
00:22:08It's the revenge of the urban farmer
00:22:13Into the blind band
00:22:15There is Stevie Wonder
00:22:19You do know it's palm oil
00:22:20That's ruining life for the world's orangutans
00:22:23Only this one
00:22:23Come on
00:22:25Come on
00:22:26The sword's shifting into third
00:22:40Right, we've just got to find a bit where we can get inland
00:22:44Before the tide comes in
00:22:51That is getting closer to that
00:22:52And when that happens, we're back there
00:22:59But as we thundered along, the dunes refused to open up and let us in
00:23:06That's the sea
00:23:08It's the sea there
00:23:11Oh, it's coming at me
00:23:15I still say we can't get out here, look
00:23:18No left turn at the moment
00:23:23This is where you need a V8
00:23:29Oh, shit
00:23:31Oh, Jeremy's in trouble
00:23:33That is not looking good
00:23:36Come on
00:23:37Come on
00:23:38Whoa
00:23:40Oh, no
00:23:42Oh, no
00:23:45No, no, no, no
00:23:46Not a good place
00:23:47Oh, God
00:23:49I'm in the sea
00:23:52Because it was a bit of an emergency, my colleagues decided to help for once
00:23:57James, count us in
00:23:59Three, two, one, away
00:24:07Yes
00:24:08Right, let's go
00:24:14Jesus Christ
00:24:17Ah, it's coming in
00:24:22Come on
00:24:23Come on
00:24:24Come on
00:24:27Come on
00:24:28Whoa
00:24:34Oh
00:24:35Oh
00:24:37Oh, it's bad
00:24:42Shit
00:24:46Oh
00:24:49Oh
00:24:50Come on
00:24:50Come on
00:24:53Mercifully
00:24:54The dunes finally started to fall away
00:24:57And we were saved
00:25:02And we're through
00:25:03We are
00:25:04We are
00:25:04We are
00:25:05That's a relief
00:25:08So nearly got stuck then
00:25:21We were going to see which of our cars was the best at skioring
00:25:25A sport in which you race round a frozen lake
00:25:29While towing the skier
00:25:31Mad?
00:25:32Ha
00:25:33You don't even know the half of it
00:25:37One of them has only got one leg
00:25:39What?
00:25:44But did he lose the other one doing this?
00:25:47Good afternoon, gentlemen
00:25:48Hello
00:25:49Good afternoon
00:25:49Hi, good afternoon
00:25:50There then followed a typically verbose Scandinavian conversation
00:25:56Do you do it here because there aren't very many mountains to ski on?
00:26:00Yeah
00:26:01How do you win?
00:26:03The fastest wins
00:26:08Soon, though, the chat started to flow
00:26:11How fast do you normally go?
00:26:14120
00:26:14What?
00:26:16120
00:26:16I wouldn't do that without skiing
00:26:18That's kilometres an hour, yes?
00:26:19Kilometres per hour
00:26:20But it's still
00:26:20That's still 70
00:26:21Yes, that was 70 miles an hour
00:26:23Yeah
00:26:24Closer to 80
00:26:25What?
00:26:26Yeah
00:26:26Well, what?
00:26:27We've never done this
00:26:28Yes, so we won't go that fast
00:26:30But you can still enjoy it
00:26:31Well, that's sort of up to us, really
00:26:32That's the problem, it's up to us
00:26:34We have done a little bit of driving around this track
00:26:36Well, I haven't
00:26:37And when you're following the other one
00:26:38He doesn't know what he's going to do in the corner
00:26:41How he's going to do it
00:26:42Is he going to turn early inside?
00:26:43I don't know what the car's going to do
00:26:44Yeah, but your cars are intact
00:26:47I mean, not...
00:26:48No, his is...
00:26:49Yeah
00:26:49But your cars
00:26:50Yeah
00:26:50He just looked at the middle pedal and thought
00:26:53No, I don't need that
00:26:59Here we go
00:27:07There's a man in the rear view mirror
00:27:09And he's keeping up with me
00:27:10That's alarming
00:27:15Where does it go?
00:27:24Oh, what bollocks, that?
00:27:28Oh, sorry
00:27:3365 miles per hour
00:27:34And he's still there
00:27:45And that's 80 miles an hour we've just achieved
00:27:49I want to catch Jeremy more than anything else in the world
00:27:52But I don't want to kill someone else doing it
00:27:57The man's gaining
00:27:59He's gaining
00:28:00He wants me to go faster
00:28:02He's bloody nuts
00:28:03Snoop
00:28:05I went by! No! No!
00:28:11I have the lead!
00:28:18That's a mistake.
00:28:24Shit. I've lost him.
00:28:28Right, last lap.
00:28:30Through the chicane-y bit.
00:28:35Come on!
00:28:37Nothing's good, but it doesn't mean cubes.
00:28:41And I have a lot of cubes.
00:28:52Come on!
00:28:53The power of the V8 is mighty!
00:28:56Yes!
00:28:58Got him back!
00:29:00Oh, I forgot to check. He's still there.
00:29:03Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
00:29:09Good. I'll have that. Thank you very much.
00:29:14Having finally got the queen into the car, we were now faced with a perilous drive to the embassy.
00:29:22However, this did at least mean I could get back to my day job.
00:29:28I'll talk you through the car. This is the S8 Plus.
00:29:31And the plus means it has 80 more horsepower than the standard car. That means 0-60 in 3.8
00:29:39seconds. Top speed, 190.
00:29:42That's very interesting.
00:29:47The immense power is harnessed not only by all-wheel drive, but also by ceramic brakes and an electronic differential.
00:29:58There's a time and a place for talking about that stuff, mate!
00:30:01Sitting behind a six-foot five-inch driver means that rear legroom isn't rather at a premium.
00:30:06Having said that, however, for a high-performance saloon, the ride quality is really rather good.
00:30:11Will you two stop reviewing the car?
00:30:16Do you have an opinion, the queen?
00:30:18Not now!
00:30:23Hold it steady. I'm gonna shoot them.
00:30:28Shoot him in the face!
00:30:32Have you come, sir?
00:30:44What's the top speed of that thing, James, do you reckon?
00:30:49What, 90 miles an hour?
00:30:49Well, here it is...
00:30:49...the car is...
00:30:49...the car of choice for the Hollywood hero.
00:30:52Shut up!
00:30:57What's the top speed of that thing, James, do you reckon?
00:31:00What, 90 miles an hour?
00:31:01Well, here is a top tip for Hollywood heroes.
00:31:06If you're being chased by a car which is slower than the car you're in, simply drive faster than it.
00:31:15See, that's what Nick Cage ought to have thought about, really, in The Rock, and that man in Rome with
00:31:20the SA chasing the Citrus.
00:31:21Stop talking about films!
00:31:24There's a mogi waxing our tail.
00:31:26Oh, God!
00:31:26I'm gonna shoot his petrol tank.
00:31:28James, there's no point shooting his petrol tank.
00:31:30Petrol only blows up in films.
00:31:40Well, that's not strictly accurate.
00:31:43Where in the bloody hell is the embassy?
00:31:45Go down here.
00:31:47That's his promising!
00:31:48There it is!
00:31:49There it is!
00:31:49There it is!
00:31:51Right, you get the queen to safety.
00:31:53I'll cover you.
00:31:54Okay, I'm on it.
00:31:55Right, good.
00:31:56Go, go, go, go, go, go!
00:31:57Your Majesty!
00:31:59Really quick!
00:32:03We've got to safety!
00:32:18We've got to safety!
00:32:23Oh!
00:32:24It's the blast!
00:32:26It's so low!
00:32:28I just keep moving!
00:32:31They've done it again!
00:32:33James, you're missing this!
00:32:35You cannot modernize the royalty, because royalty is, at the very best, a medieval concept.
00:32:41Oh!
00:32:42Oh, no!
00:32:43Oh, shit!
00:32:45Oh, gee!
00:32:45That was going to stink!
00:32:46It's still going!
00:32:48Keep going!
00:32:49Find the bikes!
00:32:52Oh, ho-ho!
00:32:56He's still going!
00:33:20James, he's dead.
00:33:23And wait a minute, he's going again.
00:33:25He's moving again.
00:33:26Jeremy, come on, you can do it.
00:33:28Come on, keep going.
00:33:30Come on, this is it.
00:33:32Hammond.
00:33:32There's the finish line.
00:33:34Am I going the right way?
00:33:35More or less.
00:33:36You can maybe roll over it.
00:33:37You can do it.
00:33:39Yes!
00:33:40We have done it.
00:33:45Have you come far?
00:33:51The really strange thing is,
00:33:54we, all of us, loved making that film.
00:33:57When we were doing it, we were going, this is brilliant.
00:33:59We got back and it was edited and we saw it.
00:34:01Well, this is fantastic.
00:34:03And it was only the second programme we'd done, wasn't it?
00:34:06It was.
00:34:06It was the second ever Grand Tour and then it went on television and everybody hated it.
00:34:11Literally everyone, they did.
00:34:13With the amount of people, if that's what the Grand Tour's going to be like, we're never going to watch
00:34:17it ever again.
00:34:17But we were so proud and excited and I do remember filming it.
00:34:21I remember the day.
00:34:22I remember it was huge fun and we said to the world, what do you think of this?
00:34:26And the world says, we hate it.
00:34:28I think the fundamental problem is that the ladies and gentlemen at home don't really enjoy it when we're having
00:34:36fun.
00:34:38I think they prefer it when we're miserable.
00:34:41Yeah.
00:34:42And there's been plenty of times when we have been.
00:34:44Oh, yes.
00:34:54He's not going to do it.
00:35:00Hold on.
00:35:12I need a tow.
00:35:14A tow!
00:35:17This is me saving James, mate.
00:35:21Not ideal, but...
00:35:25Jeremy is ready!
00:35:30Keep going!
00:35:35What is that noise?
00:35:43That's my gearbox.
00:35:45No, no, stop!
00:35:46Oh, you pillock!
00:35:57Ready, steady, and brake testing James, mate.
00:36:06No!
00:36:07No!
00:36:09You're not helping with the transport of live fish.
00:36:12This is supposed to be a group effort.
00:36:14Oh, someone's fallen over in the road.
00:36:16Nothing I can do.
00:36:21Oh, no.
00:36:22Red dust.
00:36:23Oh, God.
00:36:24Here we go.
00:36:28It doesn't look like anything much, but this soft red sand sits on a very hard subsurface, and it is
00:36:35simply impossible to ride a bike over.
00:36:38It just has no grip.
00:36:42Shit.
00:36:47Front end got away from me.
00:36:50There's only another hundred miles for this, hang on.
00:36:54Oh, for **** sake.
00:36:58Oh!
00:36:59Oh!
00:37:00Ah!
00:37:02Come on, stop it!
00:37:04Oh, ****!
00:37:08Shit!
00:37:10Oh, here we go again.
00:37:13Yep.
00:37:13No.
00:37:14Yep.
00:37:15Do you know, James?
00:37:16It's actually possible to get bored with watching Hammond fall off a motorcycle.
00:37:23Oh, ****!
00:37:24Ow!
00:37:25Bollocks!
00:37:26Let's find out what lies in here for you.
00:37:28Come on.
00:37:32Oh, dearie me.
00:37:38I think you've drowned your hog.
00:37:42As the afternoon wore on, the roads became even worse.
00:37:52Come on!
00:37:53And the human terrapin was really starting to slow me down.
00:38:02Oh, bollocks!
00:38:07Ha-ha!
00:38:08I can go in the middle!
00:38:09You see?
00:38:12Oh!
00:38:22Yes!
00:38:23The green on 89!
00:38:26And the green on 90!
00:38:28Oh!
00:38:30We are screaming along now!
00:38:34Oh!
00:38:40Come on!
00:38:42Come on!
00:38:42Come on!
00:38:45Come on, come on, come on! Come on!
00:38:50Come on!
00:38:55That's gone, then. Yeah.
00:38:58But what happened there is, basically, we missed a train
00:39:00because you don't need to slow down when it says finish across the road.
00:39:05I'm sorry to put it bluntly like that, but that's exactly what happened there.
00:39:21Oh, James!
00:39:24No, don't worry. What? Nothing.
00:39:29Ow! There's nobody else disabled down here.
00:39:32Oh, I'd be better if I could sit in that special seat that's reserved for me.
00:39:37It's reserved for disabled people. Like me!
00:39:39But you're not disabled. Temporarily, yes, I am.
00:39:42What do you mean? What are you looking for?
00:39:43You've had a playground injury as a result of your own half-wittedness.
00:39:47That's not disabled.
00:39:48I'm surprised you don't do more charity work with the differently abled.
00:39:55Oh, look.
00:39:59Oh.
00:40:00Oh, that's not worked, has it?
00:40:06That bloody noise, honestly.
00:40:08Well, what can I do about it?
00:40:09Put some springs in them or something.
00:40:27You do realise this is not a self-propelled one. It hasn't got the big wheels. You'll have to push
00:40:31me.
00:40:32Yeah, that's alright.
00:40:33Cool.
00:40:33It's better than listening to that clink, chink, clink, chink noise for the rest of the day.
00:40:37Right.
00:40:37Yeah, you've really suffered, mate. I don't know how you've put up with it.
00:40:44You've got everything from out of your pockets, please.
00:40:47Tap down.
00:40:51We'll have a mat pat it down.
00:40:52I want to.
00:40:53Pat down.
00:40:54Yeah, okay.
00:40:55Alright, so I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to give you a pat down today, okay?
00:40:58Alright, so the pat down consists of me starting from the top, all the way to the top of your
00:41:02feet.
00:41:03For your sensitive areas, I have to use the back of my hands, in a sliding motion, from your waist
00:41:08going down, over your groin, and across your groin as well.
00:41:11I'm going to go up and down, okay?
00:41:18I'm going down.
00:41:24Ow!
00:41:25Sorry.
00:41:25Has he got to go in that?
00:41:26Yes, he is.
00:41:31Okay, see him on board.
00:41:35Hello, welcome aboard.
00:41:36Hello.
00:41:38Oh God.
00:41:55How's it going in the sermon?
00:41:59It's just, like, honestly, it's a walk in the park.
00:42:01What about you?
00:42:02It's a bit squeaky, but it keeps going.
00:42:05But what I'd love to know is what's happening in the catering.
00:42:12Oh, Jesus.
00:42:15That is turds.
00:42:17Jesus.
00:42:21The water is like a bath.
00:42:23Someone's had diarrhoea in.
00:42:26Oh, shit.
00:42:29Oh, shit.
00:42:29Bullard.
00:42:32Ah!
00:42:34Ah!
00:42:39Oh, shitty death.
00:42:41I'll just adjust the temperature down to, you know, 22 degrees.
00:42:45I think it would be better.
00:42:47Adjust the lumbar support using this button down here.
00:42:53How much more of this is there?
00:42:56Oh, Jesus.
00:43:00Things were so bad that at the next ferry crossing,
00:43:03it looked like he was going to try and make the far bank without a boat.
00:43:11Wouldn't you?
00:43:12Yeah, I would.
00:43:13I mean, somebody said to me,
00:43:15yes, there are sharks in there.
00:43:17I'd still say, I don't care.
00:43:19I don't care.
00:43:23As we left the ferry, James was much happier and cleaner.
00:43:28Oh, I'm feeling pretty good now.
00:43:38Give me strength!
00:43:44Can I just say...
00:43:46What?
00:43:46The misery there that you talked about was mainly mine, wasn't it?
00:43:50Not yours.
00:43:51And a little bit of his.
00:43:52It was yours.
00:43:53It was quite rare that all three of us were miserable at the same time.
00:43:58Generally, it's one or two.
00:44:00But, how about, for a combination of misery and terror,
00:44:05do you remember the South China Sea?
00:44:13It's just awful.
00:44:22I'm going to throw up at this rate, not because of sea sickness,
00:44:25but because of the amount of salt water in the bag.
00:44:35F***!
00:44:40No!
00:44:41Let's go!
00:44:54This is a lot worse than I thought it was going to be.
00:45:03Jesus Christ!
00:45:04Yes!
00:45:05One big wave goes in there.
00:45:07I'm going to get very nose heavy.
00:45:09And I cannot realistically get up there to put it back.
00:45:15Meanwhile, I'd finally managed to put my roof up.
00:45:18Oh, yes.
00:45:19There's a chance.
00:45:20There's a chance.
00:45:22Which was time well spent.
00:45:26Holy shit!
00:45:32Oh, bollocks!
00:45:40Stop!
00:45:41Doing!
00:45:42That!
00:45:44The good news is, Hammond, it can't be worse than that.
00:45:52But it did get worse.
00:45:54But it did get worse.
00:46:04Oh, f***ing lord!
00:46:11Jeez!
00:46:12This is stupid.
00:46:15It's going to snap.
00:46:27I just pissed myself standing up where I was.
00:46:31Anything else is not an option.
00:46:36Oh, f***ing lord!
00:46:44Oh, f***ing lord!
00:46:45One of our camera boats was in very big trouble.
00:46:49Bloody hell!
00:46:50We're taking too much water.
00:46:52It's a bit dangerous.
00:46:54We'll never get there at this rate.
00:46:57And James had completely lost control of his antique.
00:47:01No!
00:47:02No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
00:47:03Oh, no!
00:47:24I mean, he was a bit miserable, I'd met, but I wasn't very frightened.
00:47:27Not for me.
00:47:28I was utterly miserable and terrified.
00:47:31I was miserable and terrified.
00:47:33I hated it.
00:47:33I wasn't.
00:47:33So that's not all three of us.
00:47:35For terror, I would go for driving that Aston Martin,
00:47:42DB4, you know, the newly built vintage...
00:47:45Oh, yeah, old chassis number.
00:47:47...around that very bank circuit in Spain.
00:47:50Because...
00:47:51I just had a sense all the time that this is going to go wrong.
00:48:0860 miles an hour as I approach...
00:48:11Whoa, big pothole there.
00:48:13The first corner.
00:48:16Whoa, steering's gone very weird.
00:48:20The bumps are so unnerving.
00:48:24Jesus.
00:48:26Apparently, some of them are so violent, they can make the car jump.
00:48:31Four feet to the right.
00:48:38Right, this is it.
00:48:40Let's see how fast I can make this thing go.
00:48:58Oh, my giddy arm.
00:49:00That is some treasurer.
00:49:01What?
00:49:09That's bumpy!
00:49:10Shit!
00:49:11Shit!
00:49:13Oh, me!
00:49:15Ah!
00:49:28That's one of the scariest things I've ever done in a car.
00:49:32Ever.
00:49:34Terror and a sense of it could go wrong.
00:49:37Was that as terrifying as driving a gigantic pickup truck
00:49:40over a spindly bridge in Colombia?
00:49:50Oh, God.
00:50:00The only way I can do this is by looking at the driver's side tyre and keeping it as close
00:50:03as I can to that edge.
00:50:05And hoping to God that gives me enough.
00:50:07Oh, Christ.
00:50:15Oh, Jesus.
00:50:17I'm shaking all over.
00:50:19I can do this.
00:50:21I'm just going to look at the wood.
00:50:22Not at what's below.
00:50:23Just look at the wood.
00:50:27Ah!
00:50:27Ah!
00:50:31Jesus Christ.
00:50:32Now I'm too close to the edge.
00:50:41Ah!
00:50:43Ah!
00:50:44Ah!
00:50:46God!
00:50:51Ah!
00:50:52Ah!
00:50:53I think I might be sick.
00:50:55I will get there.
00:50:57Crossing this bridge is just part of my journey.
00:51:04Who is that clippity-clopping across my bridge?
00:51:08Oh, God.
00:51:12Not the billy goat grab game.
00:51:14Mm-hmm.
00:51:15I will move my Jeep out of your way.
00:51:17If you can answer this simple prog rock question.
00:51:21Let me off the bridge.
00:51:21I'm going to be sick, please.
00:51:23I was gripped with...
00:51:24It was horrid.
00:51:26I was quite scared driving a panda over the spindly bridge.
00:51:29Yeah.
00:51:29No.
00:51:30Wait.
00:51:31I've got it.
00:51:33That pond bug that you two built, the three-wheeler aqua car.
00:51:39Oh, yes.
00:51:40Yes, you...
00:51:41Ah!
00:51:41Oh, yes, he said enthusiastically.
00:51:43I'm thinking the pond bug turned into a hydroplane thing.
00:51:46And then you two built it, and then you said to me,
00:51:49you drive it, and while you're at it,
00:51:51set a new water speed record for amphibious cars.
00:51:54We gave you all the glory.
00:51:57That's right.
00:51:57We did the work.
00:51:59You got the prize.
00:52:12Visor down.
00:52:16It's on the plane now.
00:52:18We're on the plane.
00:52:18It's very spray-y.
00:52:21It's a badly designed hull.
00:52:25Jesus Christ, this steering.
00:52:29God!
00:52:32It's a nightmare.
00:52:35I can't steer it.
00:52:37I literally cannot steer it.
00:52:40I think he's experimenting with it.
00:52:42I think he's sort of testing.
00:52:44Oh, my God!
00:52:46God!
00:52:49It looks pretty good.
00:52:50It looks fabulous.
00:52:51I bet it handles like a dream.
00:52:53Oh, come on!
00:52:54The crash into the bloody safety boat.
00:52:58Look, he's making good.
00:52:59That looks tremendous.
00:53:00Yes.
00:53:02Three times I tried to get the pond bug pointing in the right direction.
00:53:09Absolutely impossible.
00:53:11And then I thought, sod it.
00:53:13Put my foot down.
00:53:15And went for it.
00:53:20Oh, Christ!
00:53:21It's only my skill
00:53:24that is keeping this pointing in a straight line.
00:53:30I've got a GPS speedo.
00:53:32But I can't read it.
00:53:34Because there isn't any GPS.
00:53:39Why have they given me such shoddy workmanship?
00:53:44Oh, heavens.
00:53:49Oh, Christ.
00:53:51That's the worst thing I've ever done.
00:53:53Ever.
00:53:53And now, I've got to turn around and do it again.
00:53:57And I've got to wait for my own wash to die down.
00:53:59That's what did for Campbell.
00:54:00He went back too quickly.
00:54:06Here we go.
00:54:12That is my foot pinned to the floor.
00:54:18Jesus!
00:54:19It's starting to trainwalk.
00:54:23It's really bad.
00:54:29And then...
00:54:30Oh, my God.
00:54:32Oh, no, we've got a power problem.
00:54:34I'm losing power.
00:54:37May and Hammond have built a piece of shit here.
00:54:42It sounds a little bit inconsistent.
00:54:46That's maybe him feathering the throttle.
00:54:47He's possibly finessing it to keep it on the plane.
00:54:52Oh, no, come on!
00:55:02Jesus, a lot of smoke.
00:55:05Well, that was a disaster.
00:55:07I've got no GPS, so I don't know how fast that was.
00:55:10And the engine is cutting out all the time.
00:55:15Basically, it was time for a stern word with the engineering department.
00:55:21Right, you two.
00:55:22Yeah?
00:55:22Not only have you built something ugly and complicated.
00:55:25It's not.
00:55:26No, it's rubbish and lethal.
00:55:27In what way?
00:55:28The worst thing is the steering.
00:55:29You cannot get it going in a straight line.
00:55:32The steering is a horrible compromise,
00:55:34because it's got to work the steering wheel and it's got to steer the bay.
00:55:36No, a horrible compromise is a way of describing it.
00:55:39Lethal is another way.
00:55:42It looked great.
00:55:43Great out there.
00:55:43Did it?
00:55:44Yeah.
00:55:44I was doing about four miles an hour.
00:55:47Well, I'll have to start.
00:55:47Right.
00:55:48See, group 46 for Bomberg.
00:55:5045.
00:55:51Pilot, Jeremy Barton.
00:55:52Yeah.
00:55:536,000, 47.362.
00:55:57It says 48.274.
00:56:00Average 47.281,
00:56:03which is a new national record.
00:56:07We did it!
00:56:09What do you mean, we did it?
00:56:10Would you have swum it?
00:56:11I did it!
00:56:14My case there.
00:56:15We did it.
00:56:16Wait, but you said going into that bit of film, you said,
00:56:19both of you, I had all the glory, but you went,
00:56:21we did it!
00:56:22Was it really that scary?
00:56:24Yeah, it was scary.
00:56:25Can I say, I do remember that.
00:56:27And I did feel something while you were doing it.
00:56:29It wasn't concern.
00:56:31Arousal.
00:56:31A relief.
00:56:33That it wasn't you?
00:56:34Absolutely deep.
00:56:35Oh, this is brilliant.
00:56:36We're doing something cool,
00:56:37but I'm not having to do anything dangerous.
00:56:39It is.
00:56:40Just moving on, if I may, from Coniston Water.
00:56:44You threw a very expensive walkie-talkie into the South China Sea.
00:56:51I can see it!
00:56:58That was a strop.
00:57:00It was a strop.
00:57:01It wasn't a strop.
00:57:02I was trying to talk to the viewers.
00:57:03It was a strop.
00:57:04Which is our responsibility, or was.
00:57:07And somebody, probably he's no longer with us,
00:57:09but it was Mr Wilman,
00:57:11just kept interrupting.
00:57:12When I'm irritated by people interrupting on walkie-talkies,
00:57:15I simply, well, you still don't anymore,
00:57:17just turn them off.
00:57:18I don't go,
00:57:19Jesus, they're talking at me and throw it out of the window.
00:57:21I had a lot of other things to do.
00:57:23Let's not get bogged down.
00:57:25Ooh, lost their temper over in the South China Sea,
00:57:29because it was you.
00:57:29It was you.
00:57:31I think what the ladies and gentlemen would like to see now
00:57:34is some gratuitous driving round corners
00:57:37a little bit too quickly while shouting.
00:57:39Yeah.
00:57:40Here we go.
00:57:52Why can't all cars feel like me?
00:58:01Sweet Mary, mother of Jesus!
00:58:08This is not a particularly cultural thing to do.
00:58:12But it is very good fun!
00:58:16Yes!
00:58:21Holy crap!
00:58:26What a toy box today!
00:58:35Push launch!
00:58:39Full throttle!
00:58:41Boost building!
00:58:42Boost ready!
00:58:43We're going!
00:58:43Go on!
00:58:484 to 16!
00:58:50In 2.7 seconds!
00:58:53That's 120!
00:58:55150!
00:58:56100!
00:58:57Jesus!
00:58:58Ain't Christ!
00:59:02We'll actually do 186 in 18 seconds,
00:59:06flat out!
00:59:07It's 200 late!
00:59:09That's really alarming!
00:59:12I'm gonna be sick now!
00:59:15Whoa!
00:59:20Whoa!
00:59:21Ha-ha!
00:59:27God, it's true!
00:59:29That is insane!
00:59:31We've got dust in my face!
00:59:37Ha-ha-ha!
00:59:42Ha-ha-ha!
00:59:45What the hell?!
00:59:47Ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:59:48Ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:59:49Ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:59:51Ha-ha-ha!
01:00:05The bell has sounded, the race is on.
01:00:11Now we'd find out what's what on our specially designed track.
01:00:18Right, round the bell end.
01:00:28You should be able to get her, heaven's sake, come on!
01:00:43Oh, she's gone wide, is there a chance here? Come on!
01:00:48Come on, you can have her! No! No!
01:00:57When it gets on some...
01:01:03RDL!
01:01:10Whoa!
01:01:12Oh, shit!
01:01:23That's what Lamborghinis are all about!
01:01:28Oh, my word!
01:01:30Oh!
01:01:31Sit, Rep. The entire tyre has been consumed by the heart of the monster.
01:01:37It has.
01:01:38Do you know the thing was, the tyre pressure warning light came on.
01:01:42What could that have meant?
01:01:43Well, it meant that on this, it was specifically telling me there was a problem with this tyre.
01:01:48So I ignored it.
01:01:49Yes.
01:01:50It's a good job you're not an airline pilot.
01:01:52Yes.
01:01:53You really are useless.
01:01:56No, no, let's be fair.
01:01:59Because I was just thinking, who was that really old man that taught me how to do that sliding stuff?
01:02:05I don't know, but he didn't do a very good job, did he?
01:02:07It was at Kemble Airfield, where British Airways now store all its old jets near Siren Sester.
01:02:11Yes.
01:02:12And we had a Lamborghini Murcielago and I couldn't make it slide to save my life.
01:02:16And this old man said, I'll show you how to do it.
01:02:19Well, whoever he was, he would have died decades ago and he was no good, because you really are useless.
01:02:23Really nice chap.
01:02:25Anyway, no, I miss him. No, I've just remembered him.
01:02:28But just back to my point, he didn't do you any good because you are useless.
01:02:33You are a human being for whom there is no discernible, detectable use at all on the planet in any
01:02:39function whatsoever.
01:02:41It's only some freak set of circumstances by which you happen to invent a context in which you could operate.
01:02:48Namely, this and nothing else.
01:02:51Because essentially, left to your own devices, you can do nothing.
01:02:59Now look.
01:03:00Now look what?
01:03:01Hurry up. Don't let us distract you, Professor, Doctor.
01:03:04Listen, I have worked this out all by my own.
01:03:07Mm.
01:03:07The gearbox is overheated, okay?
01:03:10So I'm going to put some fluid in it.
01:03:11How much do you need to put in?
01:03:14That's...
01:03:14I don't know. How much do you need to put in?
01:03:16Just put enough in.
01:03:17Yeah, put some in.
01:03:18Go on.
01:03:21It's like watching a really, really old drunk pour himself a scotch.
01:03:27Just another one.
01:03:29That concentration phase is coming out.
01:03:31There it is.
01:03:32Good to see a man operating at his absolute limit.
01:03:36Right.
01:03:37I'm going to pop it into gear now.
01:03:38You may hear this a little bit.
01:03:45Good.
01:03:46First.
01:03:46Uh, put on clutch.
01:03:49And now it's time to fire up the seven-litre V12.
01:04:07It's quite normal.
01:04:12Not broken.
01:04:13Oh, that could keep you occupied for hours.
01:04:16Why won't it go on?
01:04:18That's ridiculous.
01:04:19The last thing I knew was I was in my thirties.
01:04:22Yeah.
01:04:22Late thirties, admittedly.
01:04:23And then suddenly I'm standing in a field still watching.
01:04:26How is this possible?
01:04:29Oh, this is brilliant.
01:04:33Oh, wow.
01:04:34What a sense of achievement.
01:04:45I'm 57.
01:04:50No, no, no!
01:04:58Where are you going?
01:04:59Oh, chaps.
01:05:10What balls this up completely?
01:05:13It's his Ferraro Rocher.
01:05:17Dark sod.
01:05:18Okay, that is...
01:05:20That's not very ambassador.
01:05:21These people are trained to be suave.
01:05:24They're smart and cool.
01:05:25And you've knocked over their tower of Ferraro Rocher.
01:05:28You cretin.
01:05:40Let's just get this straight.
01:05:42When we get over the building,
01:05:44we leap out of the door
01:05:46and grab the rope to slide down it.
01:05:48Pretty much, yeah.
01:05:49That's it.
01:05:49That's how it goes.
01:05:50You can be leader.
01:05:52Get out there.
01:05:53Show us how it's done.
01:05:54We will follow.
01:05:55I don't want to.
01:05:57I've never climbed a rope
01:05:58or gone down one in my life before ever.
01:06:00Lead by example.
01:06:02Be an inspiration to your men.
01:06:04Yeah, exactly.
01:06:05How high will it be?
01:06:0730 feet?
01:06:09Yeah.
01:06:09You'll be fine.
01:06:10What happens if you fell 30 feet?
01:06:13Would you be going home with a headlong?
01:06:15You'd be going home in this helicopter,
01:06:16but not in that seat.
01:06:17You'd be in a bucket in the corner.
01:06:27Okay.
01:06:28Here it comes.
01:06:29Let's do this.
01:06:36Whoa.
01:06:37Jesus Christ.
01:06:38Stop.
01:06:39Oh, shit.
01:06:41I'm very scared.
01:06:42Wait.
01:06:43That's not the attitude.
01:06:44Go on, then.
01:06:45I don't like it.
01:06:46Go down the road.
01:06:46I don't want to do it.
01:06:47Loosen your hands a bit.
01:06:48I don't want to.
01:06:49Do you want me to tickle you?
01:06:51No, no.
01:06:52Well, go on, then.
01:06:59Abbott.
01:07:00Yeah?
01:07:00My trousers have fallen down.
01:07:03Ladies and gentlemen, Chuck Norris.
01:07:08Look, I'm down now.
01:07:11Oh, yes.
01:07:13I'd be rather in your whole life.
01:07:16Seen anything?
01:07:17Ah.
01:07:25I mean, that is it.
01:07:26My arse is that far out of the seat.
01:07:28Oh, dear.
01:07:30Is there a bigger one?
01:07:31No.
01:07:33This is the...
01:07:34So this is the biggest?
01:07:37I won't be able to do it.
01:07:39Oh, come on.
01:07:40You'll miss out on our day out.
01:07:41Well, what do you want me to do?
01:07:42Be less fat.
01:07:45It's quite easy.
01:07:47Oh, God.
01:07:54I genuinely can't get out.
01:07:56Yeah.
01:07:57Oh, dear.
01:07:59Could you...
01:07:59Could you help...
01:08:00Can you help me get out?
01:08:01Have to dismantle the car around...
01:08:04They are going to have to dismantle the car around you to get...
01:08:11We're peeling it off him like a diving suit.
01:08:17It would have been easier just to paint a race car on him
01:08:20and then wipe it off.
01:08:28Handbrake!
01:08:36Oh, shit.
01:08:37Let's do this!
01:08:41Oh, shit.
01:08:43I may have clipped something there.
01:08:47Damn.
01:08:47Sorry about that, Phil.
01:08:51The gate.
01:08:52Take two.
01:08:54And turn and flick.
01:08:56Oh, deary me.
01:08:58He's done it again.
01:09:00What?
01:09:00A massive twat.
01:09:02You just can't do it.
01:09:03I can.
01:09:04You can't.
01:09:04Well, I clipped it once.
01:09:05I'm getting better.
01:09:06It's still not going through something, is it?
01:09:08Could you just rebuild it once more?
01:09:10Honestly.
01:09:12Gate.
01:09:13Take three.
01:09:16And handbrake!
01:09:17Oh, shit!
01:09:18That's...
01:09:23Nothing.
01:09:29Right, just get these stragglers.
01:09:32Don't go...
01:09:35Come on.
01:09:36Oh, ****.
01:09:40You've done one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven sheep.
01:09:46And broken the windscreen.
01:10:09Sorry.
01:10:10What a prick.
01:10:15The funny thing is, I'm struggling to think of any other TV show where the host is so appallingly useless
01:10:23at what it is he's supposed to be doing.
01:10:26No, there isn't one.
01:10:26I mean, Gordon Ramsay.
01:10:27Oh, I've burnt this.
01:10:28It's ruined.
01:10:30Oh, no.
01:10:30This tea towel's on fire.
01:10:32It's just...
01:10:32No, we're not.
01:10:33David Attenborough.
01:10:34I've trodden on it.
01:10:36That was the last egg.
01:10:38How did this happen?
01:10:40I don't know.
01:10:41And, and, I'm gonna be honest with you, it's not just me.
01:10:46Because you're pretty useless as well.
01:10:48No, you are.
01:10:49You are.
01:10:50Fairly.
01:10:51Ha-ha!
01:10:53Come on!
01:11:08Back at the finish line, my colleagues were not impressed with me.
01:11:12There's oil everywhere and coolant.
01:11:15All you had to do was go around pretending it was a bit dramatic.
01:11:18And proving that a Jaguar worked properly and was durable.
01:11:21Smash through a window.
01:11:22Boot lid.
01:11:24No other words.
01:11:25Off.
01:11:26Does it actually start?
01:11:37I think he just threw a rod.
01:11:39And it's all fixable.
01:11:43I'd been on the go for ten hours.
01:11:45And as I was heading for another late night, I decided to stop and grab something to eat.
01:11:53We've been given these sort of emergency ration packs.
01:11:58So what I do is, take the top off there, and that's the food, which is, I don't know, beans
01:12:03and sausages.
01:12:04That goes in there.
01:12:06And then, I add a little drop of water.
01:12:11I presume this triggers some sort of chemical reaction with whatever it is in the little bag of stuff.
01:12:20I don't think that's working.
01:12:22There's no heat.
01:12:22I'd get more out of a hand warmer.
01:12:25Oh, wait a minute.
01:12:26It's inflating.
01:12:27Oh!
01:12:27Oh, no!
01:12:28Oh, my God!
01:12:29Oh!
01:12:29No, there's...
01:12:30Ah!
01:12:31Ah!
01:12:32Ah!
01:12:33It's out!
01:12:34Oh!
01:12:35Oh, that's so hot!
01:12:36I'm burning my balls!
01:12:38Oh!
01:12:39Are you ready?
01:12:41Right.
01:12:42Perfect.
01:12:43Now, pull me along.
01:12:46Go!
01:12:47Go!
01:12:47Power!
01:12:54Oh, give me strength.
01:12:56You pulled the bloody fishing rod holder off.
01:13:00Why didn't you tie it to the fishing rod?
01:13:01Why did you tie it to the fishing rod?
01:13:02I didn't tie it to the fishing rod, you blithering idiot.
01:13:05Right.
01:13:06Are you ready?
01:13:07We're setting off.
01:13:18Oh!
01:13:20Hammer's gone upside down again!
01:13:27What the...
01:13:29Oh, jeez!
01:13:30How has he done...
01:13:43I'll pull you in.
01:13:49You know, I'm going to let you into a little secret about
01:13:52when he sent that poor man's boat in.
01:13:55Yeah.
01:13:56He was wearing, as you may have noticed, a life jacket.
01:13:59What didn't you do when you went upside down again?
01:14:03What I didn't do was pull the cord that inflates it.
01:14:06So it was just an extra weight, Roman.
01:14:09And I did say, thank goodness I was wearing this,
01:14:12and somebody else pointed out, no.
01:14:15I hadn't inflated it.
01:14:16He hadn't inflated it.
01:14:17Yeah.
01:14:17Yeah, that's a true fact.
01:14:19You didn't say that right.
01:14:20You said when you sank that boat.
01:14:21You mean when you sank that poor man's boat
01:14:23that he'd spent his life savings on.
01:14:25No, I think it was his children had bought him.
01:14:28Oh, no, you're right.
01:14:30After he'd had a pretty bad diagnosis at the doctors.
01:14:33They'd said he was riddled.
01:14:34Yes.
01:14:35They bought him that boat and some fishing rods,
01:14:37cos he loved fishing.
01:14:38Yes.
01:14:39And he loved his boat.
01:14:40He adored it.
01:14:41And then Richard Herman said, can I borrow your boat?
01:14:43I'm not good with boats.
01:14:45And then it isn't just that we sink boats and crash and wreck tyres.
01:14:50We never mastered the art of standing up.
01:14:54Not really.
01:15:12Oh, hello.
01:15:14Goodbye.
01:15:14Oh.
01:15:15Ah!
01:15:16Ah!
01:15:17Oh!
01:15:18Ah!
01:15:20Shit!
01:15:22Shit!
01:15:24That's gonna happen.
01:15:30Oh!
01:15:32Oh!
01:15:33Oh!
01:15:33Oh.
01:15:35Oh!
01:15:42Oh!
01:15:44Oh!
01:15:44Oh!
01:15:55Now, of course, we can all laugh about old men falling over,
01:15:59but sometimes the laughter has to stop.
01:16:05I detect a lack of sincerity.
01:16:09I'm channeling my inner wancho.
01:16:27I've got the deck chair out in a good book.
01:16:32In your own time, begin.
01:16:38That was a brisk start for a James May.
01:17:07Big one.
01:17:08Big one.
01:17:09Big one.
01:17:10Get the medics.
01:17:29Oh, I'm quite nervous.
01:17:31I'm suddenly nervous.
01:17:42Okay, here we go.
01:17:43Give you your best shot, Rich.
01:17:44Yeah.
01:17:45Watch this.
01:17:46Come on.
01:17:47I'm here.
01:17:47There you go.
01:17:48There you go.
01:17:50There you go.
01:17:50There you go.
01:18:05There you go.
01:18:24You
01:19:11Is that why you got a helicopter licence?
01:19:13So you could fly yourself to hospital?
01:19:16I'm a frequent flyer, I don't need to. I've got a gold card.
01:19:18I mean, now you've moved in here, obviously, it's easier.
01:19:21But how many years went by
01:19:23without you ever having to take your own trousers off
01:19:26when you got home from work?
01:19:27Quite a few. Generally, somebody would cut them off with scissors for me.
01:19:30Exactly.
01:19:31And then they'd be gone.
01:19:32It was extraordinary, wasn't it?
01:19:33It's remarkable to see you with a pair of trousers on, actually.
01:19:37Something occurs to me.
01:19:38Hmm?
01:19:39Over all the years we made that show,
01:19:41you were the only one who was never grievously injured.
01:19:44What?
01:19:49Oh!
01:19:51F***!
01:19:55I was actually acting.
01:19:57Were you? That was pretend.
01:19:58It was pretend, briever's injury.
01:20:00It was.
01:20:00Anyway, is that it?
01:20:02I think we're finished.
01:20:02No.
01:20:03What?
01:20:03No, no, no.
01:20:04The lawyers.
01:20:06What?
01:20:06The really small print.
01:20:07The small print of the small print.
01:20:09What?
01:20:09We've got to do three of these.
01:20:11Really?
01:20:11We've got to do two more?
01:20:12Yes.
01:20:14Two more of these best-ofs?
01:20:15Yes.
01:20:17And on that terrible disappointment,
01:20:19we'll be back soon with more of this.
01:20:24See ya.
01:21:04Bye.
01:21:24Bye.
01:21:36Bye.
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