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Have I Got News for You - Season 4 (US) - Episode 04: Aaron Parnas, Scott Thompson
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00:36Welcome to Have I Got News for You.
00:38I am Roy Wood Jr. in the news this week.
00:43House Speaker reacts to shirtless Jacob Lorty in Wuthering Heights.
00:47I think that that should give all of us a cause to pause and think, hmm, I wonder what
00:54this is about.
00:55Substitute teacher sees right through your little antics.
00:58I see we switched up our seating chart.
01:00CDC releases new vaccine guidelines.
01:02I'm not scared of a germ.
01:04You know, I used to snort cocaine off the toilet seats.
01:08On Emerson tonight, he's a journalist.
01:10And this year, he was chosen as one of Forbes 30 Under 30.
01:13So I'm hoping he can put in a good word for me for Forbes 40 Over 40.
01:17It's Aaron Parnas.
01:22And joining Michael, he is a legendary Canadian actor and comedian who was a co-founder and
01:29star of Kids in the Hall.
01:30And we were charged a 6% tariff just to bring him here.
01:34Scott Thompson, everybody.
01:39Now, for the biggest stories of the week, Amber, Aaron, please watch the clip and tell me what
01:46is this story?
01:48This is Pam Bondi testifying about Epstein.
01:53And she talked and talked and talked and didn't say shit.
01:58The story is Pam Bondi in Trump's Department of Justice.
02:01The DOJ has America saying WTF.
02:04And it all starts with a certain PDF file full of PDF files.
02:09On Wednesday, Attorney General Pam Bondi appeared before the House Judiciary Committee to answer
02:15questions about her handling of the Epstein files.
02:19And Bondi was nothing but a professional.
02:23No, I'm going to answer the question the way I want to answer the question.
02:26Your theatrics are ridiculous.
02:27No, you're going to answer the question the way I asked it.
02:28Chairman Jordan, I'm not going to get in the gutter with these people.
02:31You don't tell me anything washed up.
02:32Oh, I did tell you because we saw what you did in the Senate.
02:35You're a lawyer.
02:35You're not even a lawyer.
02:36I'm talking.
02:37I'm talking.
02:38If they're not privileged.
02:39Quiet.
02:39Don't yell at me.
02:40Didn't ask Merrick Garland anything about Epstein.
02:42Not once.
02:43When he was...
02:44We saw us.
02:45And also...
02:46You got to give Pam Bondi this.
02:48She's good at spending some shit.
02:51You don't get that good overnight.
02:53That's hours of, like, complaining at McDonald's and Home Depot.
02:57What I really love is this one woman's facial expression just says it all.
03:02Why was Pam Bondi in front of the Judiciary Committee in the first place?
03:07Because the DOJ wouldn't release the Epstein files the way they should have.
03:11Redaction, redaction, redaction.
03:12That's all you got.
03:13Yeah, Congress was granted access.
03:15To unredacted versions of the Epstein files for the first time.
03:19But they hit some roadblocks.
03:22Question.
03:23What's been standing in the way of Congress gaining full, unredacted access to the Epstein files?
03:30First of all, the Department of Justice, and if you want to see them as a congressperson,
03:33they've got four computers.
03:35Four computers.
03:36Four computers.
03:37There's four computers.
03:38So, um, it would take many months to actually have the time.
03:44I, you know, I only had a few hours.
03:46I think the transparency argument is really kind of a sham because it's not really possible.
03:50Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
03:51Did you have to wait to get a computer?
03:52It is not possible.
03:55Four computers.
03:56Like the library, bitch.
03:58Like, you just...
03:59My library has more than four computers.
04:02I gotta be honest.
04:03Turns out, Congress can only look at the files between 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. on weekdays.
04:09And they have to give the DOJ 24 hours notice before they look at them.
04:12And only members of Congress are allowed to look at the files and log in and read them.
04:17What is the average age of a member of Congress?
04:19It's, like, 87, 88, something like that.
04:22They don't know how to use computers.
04:25What is the one thing that's making matters even worse once they've accessed the file?
04:29Is it that they're scratch and sniff?
04:33It's because the DOJ is tracking which members of Congress looked at the files,
04:38and they're tracking which files they looked at.
04:41We have learned from this photo that the searches that members of Congress are performing
04:46are apparently being tracked and then read by the Department of Justice, by the Attorney General.
04:53If you look at the photo from inside Bundy's binder,
04:56you can see she literally has a list of everything that Representative Jayapal searched for.
05:01One congressperson even clocked what she was doing as it happened.
05:06I'd like to see you flip to the Jared Moskowitz section of the binder.
05:10I'm interested to see what staff provided on the oppo on me.
05:14And because we're in the Olympics, I'm going to give it a grade.
05:16I just want to see how good it is.
05:19So give me your best one.
05:20So first of all, nothing is funny about mocking the Bible and holding up a Trump Bible.
05:26That's what you did.
05:27You made a joke and I find a fence for that.
05:29That's all I have to say here.
05:30I want it from the burn book.
05:31Shame.
05:31I want it from the burn book, which is the best one.
05:33What you got?
05:38Maryland Rep. Jimmy Raskin didn't think there was anything fun about Pam's peaking, though.
05:43It is a violation of the separation of powers for them to essentially be monitoring our computer searches on the
05:51Epstein file.
05:52So I think it's outrageous that they would do that.
05:56And it's Orwellian.
05:57And we're going to have some more to say about it soon.
06:00I mean, Mike Johnson and his son monitor each other's porn usage, so this seems fine.
06:07Bondi continued to blow up throughout her testimony.
06:10And what was the most damning moment for A.G.
06:13Bondi during this hearing?
06:15When she was finally honest and was like, look, I love to protect pedophiles.
06:21It's what I was hired to do, and I'm going to do it.
06:24And I'm going to fight anyone who says I can't.
06:28Do you remember that part?
06:31I do.
06:33I must admit, I was flipping between that and the Olympics, so I must have missed it.
06:36There was a moment where all the survivors, about a dozen of them, stood up, right?
06:40And they all looked at Pam Bondi, and Pam Bondi didn't look at them once.
06:44That moment right there, I think, ends her tenure as attorney general.
06:50Points for Aaron.
06:53Why would anyone ever expect Pam Bondi to make a stand against assault?
06:58She made a big show right at the beginning of the administration.
07:01We're going to get out these files, and she gave them to a bunch of right-wing influencers,
07:06and she was making a whole big deal of it.
07:08The reason why it's so shocking that Pam Bondi is against defending victims of assault
07:13is because she said she would in 2014 during this campaign act.
07:19Florida ranks third nationally in calls for help for human trafficking,
07:24where young women and children are enslaved and abused.
07:28I'll fight to put human trafficking monsters where they belong, behind bars.
07:38That's our attorney general, you're booing.
07:45I'll put human traffickers behind bars.
07:48By bars, I mean little black bars on sheets of paper.
07:53Bars are slimming.
07:55They are.
07:55Yes.
07:56That's what they told me when they put me in jail the first time.
08:00Now, here's Pam saying what we should be talking about instead.
08:03The Dow is over $50,000.
08:06I don't know why you're laughing.
08:07You're a great stock trader, as I hear, Raskin.
08:10The Dow is over $50,000 right now.
08:13The S&P at almost $7,000.
08:17And the NASDAQ smashing records.
08:20Americans' 401ks and retirement savings are booming.
08:25That's what we should be talking about.
08:27What does a Dow have to do with anything?
08:29That's what they just asked.
08:31Are you kidding?
08:32The stock market's at $50,000.
08:35The market did fall below $50,000 after she finished testifying.
08:41You were at that hearing, right?
08:42I was right outside.
08:43They didn't let me in.
08:44Did you speak to the survivors?
08:46Yeah.
08:47And what can you share about what they said after the hearing?
08:50They're horrified, right?
08:51They're horrified.
08:52It's not just Pam Bondi.
08:54It's been five administrations.
08:55It's been several departments of justice.
08:58They just want justice.
08:59And instead, they get their own witness statements that they told the FBI, and it's all blacked
09:04out.
09:04They can't even see their own documents.
09:06Wow.
09:06Right?
09:07So they're horrified.
09:08Uh, Bondi wasn't the only Trump administration official to testify about Epstein this week.
09:14Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick answered questions about his relationship with the apex pedophile
09:21before a congressional committee this week.
09:23What did Howard have to say about his association with Epstein?
09:28That it was nothing.
09:31Why are you even talking about it?
09:33Barely, barely knows the guy.
09:35Yes, they spent a lot of time together.
09:39He was looking.
09:40I did have lunch with him as I was on a boat going across on a family vacation.
09:46My wife was with me, as were my four children and nannies.
09:51I had another couple with, they were there as well with their children, and we had lunch
09:58on the island.
09:59That is true.
10:00For an hour, and we left with all of my children.
10:05He knows how bad it is because he felt the need to say that he left with his children.
10:12If I, if I go to a friend's house for lunch with my kids, and I'm telling somebody about
10:19it, I then don't say, and, and my children left too.
10:22Who's actually facing consequences for their connections to Epstein and being in the files?
10:29The royal formerly known as Prince.
10:31That's one of them.
10:31Oh, that's true.
10:32When you say Prince, you got to put Andrew right behind that immediately.
10:35Right, right.
10:36The black people know, you don't just, you don't just go formally known as Prince.
10:41You're like, no.
10:44There's a bunch of Brits, I feel like, who are in a lot of trouble.
10:47Oh, you got the ambassador, Mendelssohn.
10:49You got the sultan from Dubai, who has just resigned today.
10:53Wait, sultans can resign?
10:54Well, I think his first name's Sultan.
10:56Oh, okay.
10:58That's right, baby.
10:59Get up.
11:03And then there's Elon Musk.
11:06Who's Elon Musk been coming for this week?
11:09It's Steve Bannon.
11:09That sounds so right, Aaron.
11:11I want to trade teammates.
11:13Yeah.
11:15It is Steve Bannon.
11:17Despite being mentioned in the files himself, Elon's been tweeting about human mucinect blob,
11:23Steve Bannon.
11:24Bannon's all over the files.
11:26He and Jeffrey Epstein have a selfie together, and in 2019, the same year Epstein went to jail
11:32for the last time, Bannon texted Epstein an offer to rebuild his image by producing a documentary
11:40about what a great philanthropist he is.
11:44Yes.
11:44The name of that documentary?
11:46Melania.
11:49Now, Pam Bondi might not be interested in what Epstein's victims have to say, but some
11:55of those victims sat down with NBC News just after the hearing.
11:59So there's the crimes of Jeffrey Epstein, and then there's the crimes of the cover-up.
12:04And she's part of that continuing cover-up.
12:07So she didn't apologize for that.
12:08So like, oh, the theater, and then like, yes, you're the main character in this.
12:12The circus act.
12:14Yes.
12:15She was a comedian today.
12:17Yes.
12:17Everyone was laughing at her.
12:18Do you believe they did the best they could?
12:24Do they not know the Dow is at $50,000?
12:28Michael and Scott, watch the clip.
12:30Tell me, what's the story?
12:31All right.
12:32Bitcoin.
12:33So that's fake money and fake people.
12:36And that's a flag of a...
12:38Puerto Rico?
12:39No, I don't think so, but good guess.
12:41Is that the flag of Puerto Rico?
12:42No.
12:42Oh, that's Trump's tie.
12:43Yes.
12:44Okay.
12:44So we've got...
12:45Is Bitcoin the same as Doge?
12:49I don't know much about finance.
12:51Right.
12:51Yeah.
12:52Or apparently anything.
12:53Not really.
12:55This has something to do with Trump's...
12:57AI.
12:58It's AI.
12:58All right.
12:59We're going to go with AIs.
13:01The story is Trump got elected a second time, looked around at all the people who wanted
13:05something from him, and he hit him with that famous line from Jerry Maguire.
13:08I didn't shoplift the pootie.
13:15Supposed to be show me the money.
13:19According to the New York Times, Donald Trump has made $1,408,500,000 off of this presidency.
13:29Yeah.
13:30Question.
13:31What has been Trump's biggest moneymaker since he became president?
13:37Well, it's not the Melania movie.
13:39Nope.
13:40Is it his Bitcoin?
13:42Yeah.
13:43It's his crypto.
13:44What is that?
13:45Instead of real dollars that are in your pocket, Bitcoin is imaginary money.
13:51It's on the internet.
13:53You can't really spend it at a lot of places, nor does it do a lot of stuff, but it
13:58is real.
14:01I mean, it's all just a bunch of gold bars somewhere, right?
14:04Are we getting into a conversation about financial architecture right now?
14:08Yes.
14:10In Sumerian times, people...
14:12No.
14:13So, according to the New York Times, since taking office, the Trumps have made at least
14:18$867 million through various cryptocurrencies.
14:23In 2024, while Trump was between presidencies and on trial for all the crimes and all of
14:29that stuff, a lot of banks didn't want to do business with the Trumps.
14:33So, Don Jr. and Eric went around to all the banks, and they started a company called World
14:39Liberty Financial.
14:41They did that with a friend of theirs, Zach Woodcoff, and that's Zach, seen here celebrating
14:45Black History Month.
14:48And Eric and Don Jr. basically formed this dollar-pegged stablecoin called USD1.
14:55We all know what a stablecoin is.
14:57Of course, Michael, why won't you explain it?
14:58A stablecoin is a cryptocurrency that holds horses.
15:05Exactly.
15:08The difference between a stablecoin and other forms of crypto is that a stablecoin is tied
15:13back to an actual currency, so it's more likely to hold its value and not see as many peaks
15:18and valleys.
15:18So, Trump's World Liberty Financial essentially gets a cut of every sale involving their coin,
15:25and they get a cut of the interest.
15:27So, here's a fun multiple-choice question.
15:31Which nefarious-sounding global player has a huge stake in Trump-run World Liberty Financial?
15:39Secretariat.
15:44Is it Sheikh Tanun Ben Zayed Al-Nayan, a.k.a. the spy sheikh, Boris Rusnikov, a.k.a. the
15:52KG Beast, or Toshi Yamamoto?
15:57Number one.
15:58Oh, number one.
16:00Trump would never get involved with somebody from the UAE called the spy sheikh.
16:07That would not happen.
16:09It was okay, because he got involved four days before he took office, so he wasn't president.
16:14Oh, well, then it's fine.
16:15Yeah, how about that?
16:16Oh, I shouldn't be fighting you.
16:17We're on the same team.
16:20Yeah, it's Sheikh Tanun Ben Zayed Al-Nayan, a.k.a. the spy sheikh.
16:25Seen here, right after he took out his last Invisalign trait.
16:30He's a member of the royal family of the UAE and oversees a $1.3 trillion empire, making
16:37him one of the most powerful single investors in the world.
16:40And here's what went down.
16:42Just days before Trump's second inauguration, the journal reports 49%, nearly half of the
16:48Trump family crypto company World Liberty Financial, was purchased for $500 million by
16:53sheikh Tanun Ben Zayed Al-Nayan, sometimes referred to as the spy sheikh.
16:58The journal reporting the Trump family earned an upfront payment of an estimated $187 million
17:04in the deal, with another $31 million reportedly going to the family of Trump's Middle East envoy
17:09Steve Whitkoff.
17:10Spy sheikh, invest a bunch of money in the Trump situation?
17:14What do you think he got in return for that investment?
17:19AI, AI.
17:20A thank you note?
17:23Months later, the Trump administration approved something the sheikh and others in the UAE
17:27long coveted, the sale of hundreds of thousands of cutting-edge American artificial intelligence
17:33chips to that country, a move the previous administration blocked where the state-of-the-art
17:37technology could be sold or smuggled to China.
17:40I don't think he's going to do spy shit with it.
17:42No, of course.
17:43Why would I?
17:44His name is ironic.
17:48The $1.4 billion Trump has made off his presidency isn't all from crypto.
17:53Oh.
17:54Uh, he still spent the second term making some of his money the old-fashioned way.
17:58My new Trump fragrances are here.
18:01I've named them Fight, Fight, Fight because they represent winning.
18:05We all want to be winning.
18:06We have to win as a nation.
18:08We want to win as a family.
18:09Get yourself a bottle and don't forget to grab one for your loved ones, too.
18:14They'll thank you and they'll even smell good.
18:27Welcome back.
18:29It's time for the Offender Meter.
18:30Teams have to tell us who's the offender, what they did, and who they offended.
18:35Offender on the screen, please.
18:36Who is this offender?
18:39That's the skier from the Olympics who said, uh, hey, you know, I'm not necessarily thrilled
18:45with everything that's going on in the U.S. right now, right?
18:47Yes.
18:48Yes.
18:49Hess?
18:49Hess is Hunter.
18:50Yes.
18:51Hunter Hess.
18:52Yes.
18:52That is Olympic freestyle skier Hunter Hess, not to be confused with his brother, Gatherer
18:56Hess.
19:01Hunter offended Senator Rick Scott, seen here just before outlawing dancing.
19:09You remember them zombies and I am a legend?
19:11Yes.
19:12Yes.
19:13Yes.
19:14Oh, yeah.
19:16Hunter offended Rick Scott by speaking out about representing the United States in complicated
19:22times.
19:22Just listen.
19:23It brings up mixed emotions to represent the U.S. right now, I think.
19:27It's a little hard.
19:29There's obviously a lot going on that I'm not the biggest fan of, and I think a lot of people
19:34aren't.
19:34Just because I'm wearing the flag doesn't mean I represent everything that's going on in the
19:38U.S.
19:42While you're so busy looking at all that patriotism, what y'all missed in that picture was a dude
19:46sitting next to him named Burke Irving.
19:48That is such a great broadcaster name.
19:51I'm Tim Johnson alongside the fabulous Hall of Famer Burke Irving.
19:54Burke.
19:55We're ready for some exciting football action today.
19:58Now, how did Senator Scott respond to that measured statement?
20:03Very calmly.
20:05He told him, the stock market is at $3,000.
20:10Here's for Scott being very offended.
20:14Any person who goes to the Olympics to represent the United States and then says they don't want
20:21to represent the United States should be immediately stripped of the Olympic uniform.
20:27So that I can inspect their bodies.
20:32And Senator Scott wasn't alone.
20:34Donald Trump joined into the fray, of course.
20:36Trump called his, quote, a real loser with a capital L and said it's very hard to root for
20:42someone like this.
20:44Yeah.
20:45It's also what he said about Rob on traitors.
20:48All in all, Americans at the Olympics are struggling with their reputation, just like
20:53those at home.
20:54But they're certainly not the only ones having a weird time at the Olympics.
20:59Does anyone know how the Norwegian biathlete, Sterla Holm-Lagrid, reacted when winning a
21:08bronze medal?
21:09He's a cheater.
21:10What happened with the Norwegian biathlete?
21:12You shout it, Aaron.
21:13I think he's the cheater, right?
21:15But not, he didn't cheat at the sport.
21:18So this is what I heard.
21:22This man, while he was being interviewed after he had won or lost, who gives a shit?
21:29Because the lady is interviewing him and he's like, yeah, I did what I could and I cheated
21:35on my wife.
21:38I'm so sorry.
21:39He aired their dirty laundry at the Olympics.
21:44Ain't no way she's taking him back.
21:46So he gets a bronze medal in the biathlon and first, of course, you get the interview.
21:52You thank your family and your country and the supporters and then the reporter simply asked
21:57him, how do you feel about winning a bronze medal?
22:01And he said...
22:14This is a Wendy's, bro.
22:17Maybe he wouldn't have gotten bronze without cheating.
22:20I agree.
22:21Maybe he should have cheated more.
22:23Yes.
22:24Guilt is a powerful fuel.
22:27It definitely fueled my career.
22:29Question on to the panel.
22:31Should this woman take him back?
22:34No.
22:37Amber, you as a women's, would you take back somebody after a beautiful grand gesture?
22:42This is supposed to be my moment and I made it about reconciling with you.
22:46I might take back someone after cheating, but not after everybody knows.
22:52People who don't know us know you fucking around.
22:56I don't think he thought that that was the way back into her good graces.
23:00I think he was just overwhelmed with guilt.
23:02It would be very funny if she goes out tonight and fuck somebody who won a silver medal.
23:12Let's see your offender.
23:15Who's this offender?
23:16Uh-oh.
23:17That's Carney.
23:18That's your leader.
23:19Yeah.
23:19Oh.
23:20I might know something.
23:21You know this one?
23:22No, I know who he is.
23:23Okay, who is it?
23:24That's Carney, is it not?
23:25Okay, that's Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney.
23:27Yes.
23:28Who did he offend?
23:29Me?
23:32I'll take it.
23:33Oh, Trump!
23:34He offended Trump because at the speech at the WEF, right?
23:38Yes!
23:38He made that beautiful speech.
23:39Yeah!
23:40Yeah!
23:41One for me!
23:43One for me!
23:44One for me!
23:46Yes.
23:47That is Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney.
23:50Carney offended Donald Trump by building a bridge between Windsor Canada and Detroit,
23:54Michigan.
23:54And if that doesn't sound offensive, you're not alone.
23:57Because Trump's reaction was, just watch the Fox Business Club.
24:01This is the best.
24:01A new battle over a bridge crossing between Detroit and Ontario has fueled the mayor of
24:06Windsor to call President Trump, quote, insane.
24:09I love this.
24:11It's the Gordie Howe bridge, right?
24:13Yes.
24:13But Gordie Howe is like one of the few things that I feel like America and Canada can share
24:17upon.
24:17He's a Canadian-born hockey player who made his name for himself in Detroit.
24:22Question to the panel.
24:23What is Donald Trump's problem with this bridge?
24:27This is what I heard.
24:29The bridge that's there now, he makes no money off of.
24:36Ooh.
24:37And that's why he doesn't like it.
24:39Trump claims the United States is being taken advantage of.
24:41In Iran on Truth Social Monday, the president said, quote, they own both the Canada and the
24:47U.S. side.
24:48And of course, they built it with virtually no U.S. supplies.
24:53And here's Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney explaining what he told our president.
25:00I explained that Canada paid for the construction of the bridge, that the ownership is shared
25:05between the state of Michigan and the government of Canada, and that in the construction of
25:10the bridge, obviously, there's Canadian steel, Canadian workers, but also U.S. steel, U.S.
25:14workers that are involved.
25:15I don't believe him.
25:17In that same post, what did Trump claim China has planned for Canada?
25:23I know this.
25:24Tell him.
25:25He says that China's going to cancel the Stanley Cup.
25:29Yeah, it's true.
25:32They're going to stop us from playing hockey.
25:34That's right.
25:35Which is easy for me.
25:36Trump said, quote, the first thing China will do is terminate all ice hockey being played
25:41in Canada and permanently eliminate the Stanley Cup.
25:45Yeah.
25:46He will also eliminate sex scenes from heated rivalry.
25:52I don't know what that show is.
25:53I just trust the writers.
25:56Now, even though Trump's post seems like it came out of a book of Canadian Mad Libs,
26:01Trump may have an actual reason.
26:04Mm-hmm.
26:04Why he opposes the bridge.
26:06Didn't a other bridge builder meet with Trump's Commerce Secretary a few hours before this rant
26:13on Truth Social?
26:14Points.
26:16Yeah.
26:16Well, it's because a Republican donor owning a competing bridge wants to keep making toll
26:23money from the bridge that already exists, and they believe the new Gordie Howe Bridge will
26:27draw some of the toll dollars down.
26:29So on Monday, a billionaire named Matthew Moran had a meeting with the Secretary of Commerce,
26:34Howard Lutnick.
26:36During the meeting, he allegedly lobbied the administration to oppose the Gordie Howe Bridge,
26:42and just hours later, wouldn't you know it, it's Truth Social O'clock, baby.
26:46But he took 25% terrorist off it in the very middle, so as soon as you cross halfway, you
26:51fall into the river.
26:54That was Offend-O-Meter.
26:57Woo!
26:58Woo!
27:02Woo!
27:02Woo!
27:03Woo!
27:06Woo!
27:06Woo!
27:06Woo!
27:07Welcome back.
27:09Let's do like Curious.
27:12I'll give you three biographical details about a public figure, but only one is true, and
27:16you have to guess which is the truth, and which are wonderful lies.
27:20Time for three facts about New York congressional candidate and JFK's grandson, Jack Schlossberg,
27:26or kind of looks like all the white people from Stranger Things mashed together.
27:31Our facts about Jack are, he eats a can of sardines a day, he once got stuck in an escape
27:37room overnight.
27:37He holds a patent on a musical frisbee called the Frizoobie.
27:42Team Michael, which one?
27:43Damn it, I want it to be Frizoobie so badly.
27:46Me too, but I think it's two.
27:48You think he got stuck in an escape room?
27:49Yes.
27:50I think he's still there.
27:52All right, we're going with two.
27:53Team Amber.
27:54Don't he look like a sardine-eating man?
27:57I think we want to go with one.
27:59Jack Schlossberg eats a can of sardines a day.
28:04Jack told the New York Times that he eats, quote, just about a can of sardines every
28:10day.
28:10That's the Heathcliff diet.
28:13That wasn't it.
28:14Now, Jack's famous for his flamboyant presence on TikTok.
28:18Question.
28:19Who did Jack say is the most beautiful woman in the world?
28:23Amber Ruffin.
28:25According to Jack Schlossberg, this is the most beautiful woman in the world.
28:30This one goes out to Usha Vance, the most beautiful woman in the world.
28:34Whenever you're ready, I'm here for you.
28:36And that she's back in the atmosphere, drops Jupiter in her head.
28:43This isn't the way, Usha.
28:46Was he joking?
28:47Or was he shooting a shot?
28:49Was he trolling?
28:51What was that?
28:51It's not to the Young Politico.
28:52You're of the TikTok world.
28:55He's running for Congress.
28:56That's what it was.
28:57If only he'd had a frizubi to do his singing for him.
29:02I mean, but Jack is a very charismatic figure.
29:04And to your point, Aaron, he is running for Congress.
29:06So you have to have a different approach to social media.
29:09Draw attention to yourself.
29:11Because Jack really likes to go off on TikTok.
29:14Take a look.
29:15Da-da-da-da-da-da.
29:18Charge!
29:20Are you sure you want to close the border?
29:23Because then you're stuck with me and my army.
29:27My army of little freaks.
29:31Wouldn't you like to see him question Pam Bondi?
29:34Yeah, he might be the next representative of New York's 12th Congressional District, which,
29:38by the way, includes this very broadcast studio here in Manhattan that we're sitting in right
29:44now.
29:44Does anyone know what big endorsement Jack secured this week?
29:49Nancy Pelosi.
29:51Holy...
29:52That's my teammate right there.
29:54Nancy Pelosi said in a statement, quote,
29:57This moment calls for leaders who understand the stakes and how to deliver for the people
30:03they serve.
30:04And if there's one thing Jack Schlossberg knows how to do, is serve.
30:08Hey, everybody.
30:09Don't give up on your...
30:15That's not what your people can do for you, but why you can be in a Walmart, math hut.
30:21Time for three facts about Kentucky Congressman and a man whose skull is 20% too large.
30:27James Comer.
30:28Our facts about James are he went to college on a jazz dance scholarship.
30:33He was a baby model.
30:35He had a pet kangaroo as a child.
30:38Which one is the truth?
30:40Look, he got a big head.
30:43And that's baby model material.
30:46100%.
30:46You know?
30:47Team Michael.
30:47I want to go against type here.
30:49Yeah, I'm going to go with jazz dance scholarship.
30:51We think he had a jazz dance scholarship.
30:53Yes, we do.
30:54James Comer was a baby model.
30:55What?
30:57As he posted on his Instagram, Comer appeared with his younger brother in a 1975 ad for
31:03youth fashions in Thompson'sville, Kentucky.
31:06First off, them two kids look haunted.
31:09Them look like the kids should be in the hotel and then they just be in the hallway.
31:12She doesn't like it when you open the door.
31:16Got her on them polio overalls.
31:19James Comer's in the news this week because he's the chair of the House Oversight Committee,
31:24which in two weeks will be holding depositions featuring Bill and Hillary Clinton.
31:29Seen here in happier times.
31:33Panel, what is Bill Clinton suggesting for his Epstein deposition?
31:38He wants a show.
31:40He wants a show?
31:41He wants cameras.
31:41Bill Clinton says that he wants his Epstein deposition to be a public hearing.
31:46Clinton said last week, quote,
31:49Let's stop playing games and do this the right way.
31:51In a public hearing where the American people can see for themselves what this is really about.
31:56He also said, quote, I have called for a full release of the Epstein file.
32:01Don't say full release when you say Epstein file.
32:06Don't say that.
32:07This has been Lycurious.
32:08Before I have to go to the break.
32:20Welcome back.
32:21It's time for Missing Words.
32:24Here's your headline.
32:25Waymo admits that it's autopilot is often blank.
32:29Waymo admits that it's autopilot is often on autopilot.
32:34It's often in Manila.
32:35I told you, Manila, you're right, you're right.
32:43I told you.
32:44During testimony before Congress last week, Waymo's chief safety officer noted that when the company's robo-taxis encounter an unusual
32:52situation,
32:53they may request real-time input from a remote response agent.
32:59Human, please control this thing from way over on the other side of the earth with your PlayStation controller.
33:06Question.
33:07What did one Waymo in Los Angeles do recently that might count as an unusual situation?
33:14It kidnapped someone and drove them to the Philippines?
33:18In Los Angeles, a Waymo hit a child.
33:23No.
33:23In late January, a Waymo in Santa Monica hit a child during a drop-off at a local school.
33:28Everybody was okay.
33:29Here's the more amazing thing.
33:31The local parents truly don't give a shit.
33:34I think that those types of incidents are going to happen.
33:38Lots of cars have incidents with people in them.
33:41Some of them are driven by robots.
33:43If it was a regular car, a regular person, they may not have been able to stop.
33:46You got to check her car for teeth in the front bumper.
33:50Now, of course, having a robot controlled by a person isn't always a bad thing.
33:55Sometimes you have a robot controlled by a person, and you get great videos like this.
34:06It's like the robot felt the pain.
34:07Like the...
34:08Beautiful.
34:08Here's your headline.
34:10Local bar owner forced to eat blank for one month.
34:14Fried pickles?
34:15All of us.
34:16Taco Bell.
34:17Local bar owner forced to eat Wendy's chili for one month.
34:22Oh.
34:23In January, Larry Shea of Binghamton, New York, bet that if golfer Scotty Scheffler won the American Express golf tournament,
34:31he would eat nothing but Wendy's chili for a month.
34:35And wouldn't you know it, who won the tournament?
34:40Yeah!
34:41Scotty Scheffler has done it again.
34:44Oh, Scotty, what have you done?
34:47Wendy's chili for a month.
34:50I think I could do it.
34:51I could, too.
34:52Now, Larry's been a good sport about it so far.
34:54Here's Larry with the update halfway through the challenge.
34:57Eleven days in, it's taking its toll. Breakfast chili is not something I recommend. I just wish I could have
35:04crackers. Oh, my lord, I wish I could have crackers.
35:07If you would have told me, who does Larry look like, that's what Larry would look like.
35:12Yeah.
35:13Here's your headline. Blank terrorize Wisconsin town.
35:17Cheese curds.
35:18Yeah.
35:18That's right.
35:19I bet.
35:19My baby said cheese curds.
35:22And your baby is wrong.
35:23Dang it.
35:25Over here.
35:26Chupacabra?
35:26My baby said chupacabra.
35:29That's right.
35:30And your baby is wrong.
35:36Wait, it's squirrels.
35:37Wild turkeys terrorize Wisconsin town. Here's the story.
35:43Wild turkeys are attacking people in the Janesville neighborhood. People in the area say the birds are chasing postal workers,
35:49blocking traffic, even going after kids.
35:52At first, I love wildlife. The turkeys were cool. You know, they brought, you know, life to the neighborhood. As
35:57it's developed, they've become a nuisance.
36:01If you didn't know that was about turkeys, and I just showed you that clip, you would guess immigrants are
36:07black people.
36:07Yeah, you're right.
36:09You go, who was he annoyed by? You would not guess. Well, surely there's turkeys.
36:15You think Canadians.
36:17But to be fair, in that father's defense, these are some very tough turkeys.
36:21Lawrence Meyer caught this incident on camera. Wild turkeys chasing down a postal worker.
36:28Our cameras also caught the flock chasing down a rental truck.
36:33And another mail carrier.
36:37That's what they created stand your ground laws for, right there.
36:41That was missing words. More after the break.
36:53Welcome back. It's time for Witch's Hire. I'll give you two unrelated numbers from the news.
36:57You tell me, which is higher?
36:59Now, this is a Valentine's Day weekend, of course.
37:02The only holiday where you can go to Walgreens to get candy and then return to Walgreens later for a
37:07pregnancy test.
37:10Now, that brings us to the question, which is higher?
37:15The price of a bouquet of 100 long-stem roses from 1-800-Flowers or this 5-inch-tall Swarovski
37:22crystal shred?
37:25Team Amber.
37:26I feel like a dozen roses costs $50.
37:30On those websites, double it.
37:32Really?
37:33Yeah.
37:33It's about 70 for a dozen.
37:35How do you know how much a dozen roses is possible?
37:38I've been known...
37:38Are you buying a dozen roses for somebody's worth?
37:41I have not this year.
37:42I have been known to apologize.
37:47I'm going to say the bouquet of roses costs $780.
37:54Okay.
37:54And I think the Shrek costs fucking $1.99.
37:58Who wants that thing?
38:00That's Swarovski crystal.
38:02It's crystal.
38:02It's Wawrowski.
38:03Okay.
38:04Team Michael, which one do you think is higher?
38:05We think it's the crystal Shrek.
38:07We think crystal.
38:07We think a little Swarovski crystal Shrek.
38:09All right.
38:10The price of a bouquet of 100 long-stem roses from 1-800-Flowers is $529.99.
38:16The price of a five-inch tall Swarovski crystal Shrek is $750.
38:23So the price of the crystal Shrek is higher.
38:28So crystal Shrek sounds like the name of a stripper from a questionable strip establishment.
38:36You really want to impress somebody and get them some real crystal.
38:40You can spring for the Marvel Avengers display, which features approximately 63,000 hand-laid crystals.
38:49Can anyone guess how much the crystal Avengers?
38:53I want to say close to $10,000.
38:54I want to say $7,500.
38:56Yeah.
38:56$15,000 is what we say and we mean it.
38:59Correct.
39:00Oh, are you saying it's more expensive than that?
39:02Think of all of the labor.
39:03Every one of those little encrusted crystals was laid with a little bitty tweezers and a little bit of glue.
39:11$27,000.
39:13Add a zero to our guess.
39:14$2 million.
39:17$2 million.
39:17$2 million.
39:18And that's in Dogecoin.
39:20Yeah, in Doge.
39:20We think it's...
39:21In Doge.
39:26$2 million, Doge.
39:32Holt looked like he just heard how much this shit costs.
39:36Now, your true love doesn't have to give you crystal to show you that it's real.
39:40They'll appreciate the little things, like this 10-carat gold Shrek pendant covered in cubic zirconia for $2,428.75.
39:52It kind of looked like James Comer with the gold china.
39:55That was Witch's Hire.
40:06Time for a game called, Who's That Baby?
40:09I'll show you a famous person's baby picture.
40:12Tell me, who's that baby?
40:14Here are your clues.
40:16They attended Santa Monica High School.
40:18Oh, no.
40:19They are married to a podcaster.
40:20They're an architect of the Trump administration's family separation policy.
40:25You're telling me that's what he looked like before he won balls?
40:27You know who it is.
40:29Who that baby is?
40:30Stephen Miller.
40:31Yes, indeed.
40:32Homeland Security Advisor Stephen Miller.
40:35Stephen Miller has, of course, devoted a lot of his time to kicking people out of the United States,
40:41but he also spends a lot of time thinking about space.
40:44Does anyone know what science fiction series the Homeland Security Advisor grew up a fan of?
40:51What science fiction show was about Nazis?
40:55Battlestar Galactica.
40:57Battlestar, you got it.
40:58Star Trek Next Generation.
40:59Stephen Miller is a lifelong Trekkie, and according to a classmate in the Vanity Fair profile,
41:06Miller, quote, really liked this kind of macho alpha male thing that was going on with Captain Kirk.
41:11There's even a photo of Stephen as a young man wearing a Starfleet uniform.
41:17There he is, getting ready to go to prom.
41:19That was Who's That Baby?
41:20I want to thank our guests Aaron Parnas and Scott Thompson, and of course, team captains Amber Ruffin and Michael
41:27A.M. Black.
41:28Before we sign off, here are a few more stories we're watching.
41:33A man realizes the guy he was making fun of is right behind him.
41:42Rising gas prices force co-workers to commute together.
41:47I'm Roy Wood Jr., and I'll see you next week for another episode of Have I Got News For You?
41:51And don't forget to delete your Epsom files from your browser history.
41:57Good night.
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