- 9 hours ago
Taskmaster - S17E03 - Some Impropriety Isodes
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Short filmTranscript
00:02Oh
00:38or as my nan calls it yeah being as she is long since dead
00:46Comedians hurtling ever faster towards a total loss of credibility. So please give them an uplifting cheer as we welcome
00:53back
01:07Oh
01:08A man who confided in me that he finds his neighbor's wife hot as hell and twice as spicy
01:18Specifically the neighbors to the left if you're looking at the house from the road
01:31She's nice she said they watch the shine. Yep. You said you like it when she puts the washing out
01:39Hi, Greg
01:41Great great actually now you thinking about her no packing those
01:46Packing those sheets up
01:49I've got some statistics for you. Yeah from the channel about how people watch the show
01:53This is interesting. Okay 20% of people apparently now watch it on a device like a mobile reducer
02:0064% of people most people project it onto a large bit large building into it in a town
02:06Normally a big hall and the other 16% traditional flat-screen TV still right on the floor and looking
02:13down there and dancing around it with some music on
02:14That's
02:15Some statistics about the show. Okay. Yep. That was my bit. All right. We're off to an absolute buzzing start
02:24But what's the prize category this week Alex it's the best thing for a person that is meant for an
02:29animal
02:30Okay, Greg will give the best thing five points and Greg will give the worst thing one point John starting
02:36with you
02:36Well, I wanted to get something that was fitting of a man of your standing and stature
02:42Lovely, so I have brought an elephant chair. Yes, here it is. It's called a howdah
02:51Actually like it though
02:54It's meant for an elephant's back and you would sit on it on long journeys in the past. However, sorry.
03:01Yeah. Oh, I see
03:04I mean, I genuinely did imagine an elephant with a bad back seat
03:09However, they are quite cruel to be used on elephants. They're damaging to their skin and their back
03:17So by taking one off the open market, I feel we're all doing a little bit of good today
03:22Wow, so if I give this five points, I'm taking one for the elephant team
03:27Big time a big time. You're sending out a message. You're welcome big ears
03:33Nick what have you brought in you know when a pet is ill yeah, and you give it one of
03:37those cones
03:37Just say one of those
03:39I just think one of those for a human if you had like an itch or something you could wear
03:44one on your
03:47So I show you his cone he's brought in thank you and if you want, but I already know
03:51I already know what how many points is yeah, I already regress it Greg
04:00Well cheers Nick is it's pretty bad
04:06Steve
04:07It's a scratching brush here is your scratching brush now. This promotes skin health
04:14gets rid of parasites and
04:17I was imagining you in the shower for you. Yes
04:22Before the task was set
04:25You've got one of these attached to your towel rail. Yes, and yeah, you go up and down on that
04:33You've imagined that I have some
04:36Difficult skin to slew off of you
04:39No, it's skin health. It's an impressive load of bullshit for a brush
04:44Yes
04:45Joanne
04:45Yes, can you beat a brush?
04:47Yes, you can
04:47The present I've brought you this week
04:49Greg is a trough
04:54Here is Joanne's trough
04:56Meant for an animal, but better for a human
05:01Yes, it's both insulting and yet appeals
05:05Keep talking
05:06People are going back to the earth building their own vegetable patches. I feel the trough is next
05:10Is it
05:12You're imagining trough parties, are you?
05:15Yeah
05:16Oh, it's all very Bear Grylls survival
05:17Is it?
05:18Yeah
05:19Yeah
05:19It's very
05:21You know, lads, they love making their own ham
05:24This is, I feel like
05:25This is what's next
05:27It'll be like
05:28You can often make your own ham
05:28They're always making our own ham
05:30It's all
05:31They're all going back to the land with the moustaches and eating off the ham hock and all and I
05:34feel like this is next
05:39Sophie, come on
05:40I've gone in a different direction
05:42Thank God
05:44Well, I've got a pet feeder
05:48Yes, one of these timed cat feeders
05:50I thought it could be quite good for you
05:53For me?
05:55Just a little bit of discipline and structure in your life
06:00I mean basically what you're saying in that prize is you're saying I think you're fat
06:05I was worried about fat shaming
06:07Yeah
06:08I did ask the producer they said no no it'll be fine he needs to hear it
06:21Well, I'll hand out some points
06:24Okay, you're going to start with the
06:25With Nick, correct
06:26Right
06:27So Nick gets one point
06:28Steve, sorry, two points
06:30There we go, okay
06:31I don't want Sophie to be in control of when I can have a treat
06:35I'm sure
06:36I'm pretty sure so I'm giving her three points
06:38Okay, three to you Sophie
06:39It's something about these young lads munching on the ham hocks
06:44Joe, four points
06:46And I just want the elephant chair
06:48So fair enough
06:49Five points to John Robbins
06:54Let's have a task proper shall we
06:56I don't want to alarm you Greg
06:57But there's something mysterious lurking in our tent
07:17Hi, Joanne
07:20My job
07:20Hello Alex
07:22You're taking extreme measures to keep the sun off your face
07:24Yeah, I feel like I should be in Gilead or something
07:27I feel like I'm in Handmaidens Tale
07:31Hey Alex
07:32Hello Nick
07:33How are you?
07:35Wowzers
07:36Work out who is following you
07:39Oh
07:40Oh gosh
07:42Work out who is following you
07:43You must stare at the duck at all times
07:47Yes
07:48And take an average length step towards the duck every time it quacks
07:52If the person following you agrees with you
07:55They will say the name of a mammal
07:57If the person following you disagrees with you
08:01They will say the name of a bird
08:03If the person following you doesn't know if they agree or disagree with you
08:06They will say the name of an amphibian of course
08:09I have very little animal experience
08:12Why have you got so little animal experience?
08:14Because I didn't study deseology
08:15I don't know what an amphibian is
08:16Right
08:16The correct answer furthest from the duck wins
08:20Your time starts when the duck quacks
08:23When I say now press the green button
08:25Okay
08:26I'm going to release the follower you need to keep looking at the duck
08:29All right
08:32Okay, Steve, you may press the green button
08:37Oh, I'm so sorry
08:39Oh my goodness
08:42Don't start yet
08:44Ow
08:45Are you okay?
08:46I'm sorry?
08:46Yes
08:47Yes
08:51Go on
08:51Tell me about your lack of experience with animals
08:53It's not terrible
08:54I don't know what an amphibian is
08:55Yeah
08:56What is it?
08:58Fishy
08:58You don't have a idea
08:59You don't have a idea
09:00Like a lizard?
09:01An amphibian has an aquatic gill-breathing larval stage
09:04followed by typically a terrestrial lung-breathing adult stage
09:06Yes, okay
09:07Newts, salamanders and obviously caecilians
09:10Love them
09:13Let's go
09:14We begin with keen golfer John Robbins being chased by a keen golf trolley
09:20Wait for the quack
09:25Are you a man?
09:27Badger
09:28Are you a sportsman?
09:29Cray
09:30Are you a actor?
09:32Kiwi
09:33Are you a politician?
09:36Are you famous?
09:38Wildebeest
09:40Are you a chef?
09:42Common ostrich
09:44I don't know what
09:45Are you a comedian?
09:47Buddy duck
09:48Are you human?
09:50Typical pigeon
09:52Are you a male?
09:54Are you an animal?
09:55Yellowhammer
09:56Are you a robot?
09:57Gouldian finch
09:59So you're
10:00Hang on
10:01You're a male but you're not human
10:03And you're not an animal
10:04Are you some kind of connection?
10:07Like a
10:08Are you a cable?
10:10Short-toed tree creeper
10:14Does your name begin with A?
10:18Does your name begin with B?
10:19Olive baboon
10:21And you're not human
10:23Are you a human?
10:25Californian condor
10:27Do you have genitals?
10:29Do you have genitals?
10:29Tony Crestrog
10:30That's ambiguous
10:32How is they ambiguous?
10:34Is your second letter of your name an R?
10:36Grey parrot
10:37An L
10:38Tapybara
10:39Er
10:41Is the third letter of L?
10:44Malayan tapir
10:45Is it A
10:46Golden pheasant
10:47Is it E
10:48Is it I
10:49O
10:50Pygmy hippopotamus
10:51Okay so B L O
10:55Are you Mr. Blobby?
10:58Yeah so you're Mr. Blobby
11:00You may have a look
11:08You may have a look
11:16Bop
11:17Bop
11:18Bop
11:18Bop
11:18Bop
11:19Bop
11:19Bop
11:20Bop
11:20Bop
11:20Bop
11:20What else are you a cable?
11:24Cable is surely the only thing that's not human that has a gender like male to female connections
11:29Oh I see okay
11:30So I thought it might be a scart lead
11:36Well he got there 19 paces from the duck
11:39Okay let's see how Steve and Joanne got on with to quote Joanne from episode one
11:44The best physical comedian of our generation
11:49Jesus Christ
11:53Hey it's good being a man isn't it
11:55Badger
11:56Are you a human?
11:58Kiwi
11:58Is a kiwi a mammal?
12:00What the fuck is a kiwi?
12:01Keep stepping Joanne
12:03So reading the news do you enjoy that?
12:06Vulturing guinea fowl
12:07Another step please Steve
12:08Okay
12:09Every quack
12:10Are you
12:12Food
12:12Glorca skull
12:14Are you a famous thing?
12:15Badger
12:16Are you the eiffel tower like something like that?
12:19Tony frogmouth
12:22What else is there?
12:24Being operated by another human is tough right?
12:29Can I get inside you?
12:37Are you a glove puppet?
12:39Gordian finch
12:40Are you some kind of children's tv character?
12:43Pygmy jaboa
12:44Jaboa
12:45Please step
12:48Do you have a one word name?
12:49Northern shoveler
12:50Oh
12:51Is it mr something?
12:52Rondon
12:53Rolfe bush baby
12:55Okay mr something
12:56Have I met you?
12:57Have I been in you?
12:59Common midwife toad
13:01What's that?
13:01We don't know if you've met him or
13:03It's coming for you baby
13:15Well Steve
13:16If someone said mr b i wouldn't have gone bojangles
13:20Hearing the quacks with the the handmaid's tail bonnet on
13:23Thinking about statements that had to be not questions
13:27Being chased by mr. Fucking blobby
13:29And that is actually his first name
13:31Who kept hitting you
13:32But like john i only came up with the sort of alphabet thing when the duck was pretty close
13:3715 paces from the duck
13:38Joanne
13:39Yeah
13:39It's quite the contrast to the forensic things we've seen so far
13:44Is a kiwi a mammal?
13:47Pause
13:49What's a fucking kiwi?
13:51And then you went if you're not human
13:54You must be the eiffel flower
13:58Then your next question was
14:01Can I get inside you?
14:04So i'm thinking is it a building
14:06Ah
14:07You know can i step inside you not can i like penetrate you
14:10But you were kind of hurling out just objects and then suddenly blobby
14:15Yeah
14:15And that's because your go-to thing is blob
14:18I genuinely am a really big mr. Blobby fan
14:20I think he's amazing
14:21I tried to buy his outfit you remember he went on sale
14:23Yeah yeah yeah
14:24I mean the woman's blobby obsessed
14:27And it really helped she got to the correct answer much before the other two
14:30She got 26 steps away from the duck and that was after not believing it was blobby
14:34She carried on stepping for quite a while after getting the correct answer
14:37And she was overjoyed when she turned around and saw her hero
14:39Right
14:40Yeah at the moment it's joanne then john then steve
14:43All right advert time now
14:44Hopefully one of them will make health claims for a food that they know full well is pumped full of
14:50sugar
15:20See you in a minute
15:20A little bit like ambiguous
15:22Finally how long will it take nick and sophie to work out that mr. Blobby's following them here we go
15:28Um
15:30Have you got blonde hair?
15:32Kiwi
15:34That's a fruit
15:36Are you um
15:39Err human
15:40Kiwi
15:41Are you smaller than a large tree?
15:44Donkey
15:45Are we friends from school?
15:47No no no
15:49Err
15:50Did i meet you in the last five years?
15:52Common midwife toad
15:54Do you have four legs?
15:56Californian condor
15:58Do you have two legs?
15:59Bengal tiger
16:01Are you over 30?
16:03Donkey
16:04Okay
16:05Have you used an excel sheet?
16:10Raucous girl
16:11Are you on tv?
16:14Are you on bbc?
16:17Oh no this duck's approaching
16:19Have we ever been drunk together?
16:23Common mud puppy
16:24That means yeah
16:26I think
16:26Don't you?
16:28Oh
16:29I can't wait for the duck
16:30You can just keep sort of pacing at the duck and we'll just go on time instead
16:33Err British
16:34Oh you are British
16:37Are you an athlete?
16:38Northern traveler
16:39Are you a cartoon character?
16:41Are you a big grasshopper?
16:43Are you a mascot of some kind?
16:44Are you on the box of any kind of food related stuff?
16:48Is it Alex?
16:49All right
16:50Yeah
16:51I think you're just going to stay here with the duck
16:52Am I all right?
16:53Okay
16:54Are you on a particular time of day?
16:57Mid-afternoon
16:57Crane
16:58Early evening
16:59Awesome
17:02Okay
17:02Right
17:03It's like I can take the duck where I want
17:05If you want yeah
17:06Oh
17:07I'm so sorry I saw him
17:09I saw him
17:11It's Mr. Blobby
17:15You're welcome to say hello to Mr. Blobby
17:16Yeah, thank you god
17:19BBC
17:20Larger than a human but smaller than a large tree
17:23Walks on two legs
17:28Baby on BBC one
17:33Pangolin
17:38Pangolin
17:38Okay
17:40What's on at that time?
17:43Mr. Blobby
17:44King Fairy Almadino
17:55The question I've got Nick is that you asked every question about every subject ever before you arrived at Blobby
18:03Yeah, well that was I mean just to do it by process of elimination I guess that's what that was
18:07By eliminating everything in the world
18:09In the universe
18:10Yeah
18:10Yeah
18:11I like the question
18:13Are you smaller than a large tree?
18:18Because how tall is a tree? A tree can be various heights
18:20I mean one of the great philosophical questions about that
18:24How large is large?
18:25How large is large?
18:27You're larger than me
18:28Yeah
18:29Oh yeah
18:32Was there a logic to Sophie's questions?
18:37I've written some down
18:39Have I got drunk with you?
18:42Have you used an excel sheet?
18:46I mean you literally sound like a dropped Alexa
18:50I'm surprised
18:51I thought I was really thinking she was going to pop out
18:55Yeah
18:56We've mounted her on a golf trolley
18:59Obviously Sophie can't have a point can she because she saw Blobby
19:03Terrible actually
19:04Tough shit
19:06Have you got the points?
19:07Yes
19:07Well it's Sophie unfortunately zero
19:09Two points to Nick three to Steve four to John
19:12But the winner the future Mrs. Blobby is Joanne Winnowie
19:18May I see a scoreboard please
19:20At the bottom and it's been typical of the series so far
19:22We've got Sophie and Nick with three points at the top
19:24It's John and Joanne both with nine points
19:26APPLAUSE
19:31Good what's next?
19:33Oh oh no it's child care
19:48Hi
19:49Hi and congratulations
19:50Thank you this takes me back
19:54Have you worn one of them before?
19:56Well in my head it's a bulletproof vest
19:59And I am Detective Robin's homicide
20:01Oh hi Joanne
20:04What's going on?
20:05You've got to look after a baby
20:07What is it?
20:09I'll pop her or him in I can't remember the gender
20:12Oh god
20:13Ah
20:15There we go nothing to be frightened of
20:17This is actually quite comfortable
20:20Good
20:20Nice on the shoulders
20:23Complete the jobsticle course
20:25Each job must be completed to a satisfactory quality level
20:30The baby must remain in the baby carrier at all times except during nappy change
20:34Yes
20:34Yes
20:35You must complete the jobsticle course within eight minutes
20:38The least babies feel to him
20:41I'd actually like to spare a bit of us
20:45We want a wet baby and a dry Steve
20:49Your time starts when Alex blows his whistle
20:51Oh god
20:55Nick looks terrified of the baby
20:58I've got three kids
20:58Have you really got three kids?
21:00Yeah
21:00It's weird isn't it?
21:01Yeah I have
21:03Sorry kids
21:07Let's crack on
21:07All right then
21:08The first to look after the big wet baby are Joanne and Sophie
21:13I think my approach is going to be to glide
21:15Swift fast and smooth like a swamp
21:19Do the dishes
21:21They're in the caravan
21:22I am curious about motherhood so I think this will be good for me
21:25Yeah, this will be a good test
21:27Like a swan
21:31Daddy horn hanging around outside you're a fuck all
21:38That's it
21:38Dumb
21:40Oh
21:42Unfortunate
21:44Oh now
21:46Alex pick up the basket
21:47Pick up the basket
21:49And the thing
21:50I can't pick up the thing
21:53Bend from the knees
21:56Now
22:03His shoes need cleaning now
22:09Stay to your shoes Greg
22:11Trying to raise a jug of water here
22:15There's a suffragette turn in her grave somewhere
22:20Happy last job
22:22Okay
22:22Does your big work baby have a name?
22:25Juicy
22:28Get in get in
22:30This is why women breastfeed because this is a pain in the hell
22:34What's your own baby?
22:35Yeah
22:36That's the last one done?
22:38Yeah
22:39Whack it in
22:39Whack it in
22:40Whack it in
22:42Whack it in
22:42Thank you
22:42Thank you
22:47I think it's very impressive Joanne for you to make points about the patriarchy
22:51When you've got a bucket of water strapped to you
22:53Any excuse
22:54Can you tell me statistics about who was the most effective parent?
22:57Sophie spilt a fifth of her baby
23:00Use some of the baby to clean the shoes with
23:02I spilt some out at the start because I was like that's going to go anyway
23:06Might as well get rid of it
23:07Not stressing
23:08Beat up
23:09Yeah you only spilt a sixth of your baby
23:10So um
23:11You are currently in the lead Joanne
23:12Next up
23:13It's two dads of three
23:15It's nick and it's steve
23:18Okay
23:18Let's do the shoes first
23:20Oh god
23:22All right here we go
23:23Four
23:23Oh what am I going to clean them with
23:25Oh I can't use the baby
23:27Sorry baby
23:28Just I'm patting the baby's head
23:30Baby's fine though
23:33You're not cleaning with the baby at all
23:35Are you?
23:36A little bit of her went in the um
23:37In the soapy water
23:39With her ears on her fingers
23:41And bells on her toes
23:47I think your baby's been sick
23:49Hang the laundry
23:50Twix the cow in the caravan
23:52Bit of baby spilt on your knee then
23:54Yeah but that
23:55Oh a lot of
23:56That's handy
23:57I'm assuming I have to create my own line yeah
24:00To hang the
24:01Sure yeah
24:04Laundry
24:07There we go
24:08Is that something you're satisfied with that?
24:10Well yeah
24:11Yeah
24:11So I hand the laundry
24:12Dust the carpet
24:14Oh was that dusting the carpet?
24:18Okay best way to dust the carpet
24:26Is that a slide?
24:28No
24:30Oh baby's not happy with this
24:34You thirsty?
24:36Oh there we go
24:39Now let's get that nut nut changed
24:44She loves that
24:45There you go
24:46That's not bad
24:47Yeah
24:47You've got three seconds left
24:49Love you
24:51Love you
25:19Horsefeeding your baby
25:21I feel like I have to apologise to my own children now
25:23If that was anything like the upbringing they have
25:25Yeah
25:26Time for a break now
25:28I say that
25:28It doesn't seem to matter how much pressure I apply to Alex's pelvis
25:32It just won't snap
25:47Hello! Yes! You're back with us on Taskmaster
25:51Mm-mm
25:52Comedy entertainment at its finest
25:54Am I right guys?
25:55The current task
25:58Sees our comedians busy trying to complete a jobstical course of household chores
26:02whilst looking after their water bottle in a baby carrier
26:04Least baby spilled wins
26:06Last up
26:07Ron Jobbins
26:11What are you going to do first John?
26:12Well I'm going to take the baby out of this
26:14It must stay in the baby carrier
26:17Must remain in the baby carrier
26:19But the baby carrier doesn't have to remain on me
26:27Very good
26:28Right
26:30Do the dishes
26:31Caravan
26:35Dishes done
26:39Thank you Greg
26:41Dust the carpet
26:42Four minutes left
26:44Four minutes
26:46Never done this before
26:48The way my life's going I'll probably never do it again
26:52Oh
26:53A lot easier without a baby on your front
26:55Oh it's so much easier
26:57And honestly that baby's been driving me crazy
27:02One minute left John
27:04Just taking a bit of care with this Alex
27:06How much more time have I got?
27:08Five
27:10Four
27:11Three
27:13Two
27:16Thank you
27:20If anything he's a tad smug
27:26But you know fast wasn't it
27:28Yeah and it wasn't even about that there was zero percentage of the baby spilt
27:33Oh don't leave a silence where there's a butt coming and you
27:37No there's no butt I'm just allowing you to enjoy it
27:39Oh that's sweet
27:41How long do you want to give him to enjoy it?
27:46We'll give him ten more seconds shall we?
27:54No I unfortunately don't have another VT
27:56He has genuinely nailed it
27:57I know he has
27:58Thank you
28:03So the points are Nick gets one, Sophie two, Joanne three, Steve four, five points to John Robbins
28:08Well done John
28:09Thank you
28:13Okay what's next please Alex
28:14You're going to like this Greg
28:15We started off in a tent and now we're going to be in tents
28:19In tents
28:20You're going to be in tents
28:20Yeah
28:39Oh hello
28:47Hello
28:48Hello Alex
28:50You all right
28:52Oh no
28:55What now
29:02Is this right?
29:07Hello
29:09You okay?
29:11Have you seen something bad?
29:12Have you had an accident?
29:25Oh thank you
29:30Create tension
29:32You've just given me a masterclass
29:34Create tension
29:35Oh
29:37You were acting and you did it well
29:40Most tension created wins
29:42You have 20 minutes your time starts now
29:48Have you started the attention?
29:49I've started this is tension
29:51Yeah
29:56So like just make it really awkward
29:58What do you think of my tension that I created?
30:00Didn't feel tense
30:01No
30:02No
30:02Oh well
30:03Give it a two out of ten
30:04Right
30:05Tension
30:05Sexual tension
30:09We're going to need some kind of elasticated roping
30:14I would like to challenge you to a duel of hangman
30:30I'm going to get some bits and bobs
30:34I've already been a duel of hangman
30:36Oh wow
30:41This will be interesting because I know how to make you tense
30:44Yes you do
30:47And I'm not going to be the only one I suspect
30:49Let's go
30:50First of all we're going to see three lots of tension makers
30:53Sophie, John and Joanne
30:57Tension what is tension tension is the apprehension that something bad is going to happen in set
31:03it's tense we're worried Alex sit with me damn Simon yeah actually now watch your
31:12hop up here hop up face facing me this is perfect yeah all right no don't relax I want you
31:19on edge
31:21in order to actually measure the tension we've got both analog and digital tension scales
31:38yeah what's your salary don't lie don't lie to your mother
32:01are you ready yeah I'm ready increase the tension oh Alex stand firm let's take a reading Alex
32:11that's 10 kilos of tension our gentles are not touching just to be clear sadly
32:39you smell just like it
32:46what are you doing that you're catching the marble of certain death I see
32:50okay okay three two one and there you go the marble of certain death caught by Alex under
33:01pretty extreme tension here that's 10 kilos of tension that's your time up John thank you
33:06oh
33:09I think I can find my whistles right down here though excuse me ignore the whistle it's just me and
33:14you
33:14don't know I've got to give the whistle I've asked the common men to leave
33:33I told you someone would crack the code
33:37I've got consent at every point every point there was consent there was what the audience didn't
33:42hear is what you said as you walked out which was never look at me again
33:48Sophie watching you standing on one leg with a cup on your head hissing like a fucking snake
33:56is the least tense I've ever felt you've never been in that position because you're always taller aren't you but
34:04yeah actually having somebody
34:30what about Johnny just a very literal version of tension did he create much tension well yes one
34:36One kilogram on earth is 9.8 newtons of tension, we know this,
34:40and you had 10 kilos, so it was 98 newtons of tension you created,
34:44which is about the same as a small monkey swinging on a tree.
34:49How heavy is the monkey?
34:52It said a small monkey.
34:54How many pounds of tension did he create?
34:58Tension's not measured in stones or pounds.
35:01It's not measured in monkeys, mate.
35:03It's measured in...
35:07APPLAUSE
35:10Please be up.
35:12Next up, time to vamp up the tension with Nick Mohamed.
35:16Ooh.
35:28How long, Alex?
35:29One minute, Nick.
35:54That's what I intended.
35:56And that then goes over that.
35:58And there's a little...
36:01A little finish.
36:04That's what I intended.
36:08APPLAUSE
36:11Thanks, Alex.
36:12See you later.
36:15LAUGHTER
36:18APPLAUSE
36:22The old egg misses the glass trick, eh?
36:25That was genuinely stressful just re-watching that.
36:28Yeah, there was tension there.
36:30And I've got to say, it's not looking bad for you on this one.
36:32Oh, great.
36:32Yeah.
36:33And bear in mind...
36:34Who are you saying that?
36:35Ah!
36:36LAUGHTER
36:37LAUGHTER
36:38Right, we're nearly at the end of the show when one of the comedians will scream with delight as they
36:44head home with their very own trough.
36:46But first...
36:47LAUGHTER
36:47Have some bad verts.
36:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:59Hello, welcome back to the final part of the show where things have been pretty damn tense.
37:03Oh, you've been pretty, I've been tense.
37:04And that's because we've come to the end of our create tension task.
37:08And it ends with me versus Steve at Hangman.
37:28No vowels.
37:34P.
37:43T.
37:51R.
37:58L.
38:02D.
38:05H.
38:06M.
38:08M. F. N. P. C. B. H. C. G.
38:40The.
38:42The.
38:48Nightclub.
38:49I
39:17Mean
39:19Impressive production. Amazing.
39:22The tension in that room between Alex and I,
39:26and the no vowels hangman rule, that really upped it 50%.
39:30It did. It was electric.
39:34If I were to pick perhaps a small criticism,
39:38yoghurt cheese and hot sauce sounds quite nice.
39:42Right, Sophie's getting one point.
39:44Then there's a gulf between Sophie and the others,
39:46so we jump up to three points.
39:49Right, who's getting three points?
39:51John is.
39:52I felt tense with Nick and with Steve.
39:56Steve, I felt deliberately tense,
39:58and with Nick, I felt his gross incompetence was...
40:02..as a magician was going to result in someone being hurt.
40:05So I can draw a parallel there and say four points for both,
40:08but we all know where the most tension was in the room,
40:10and it was a grown woman sniffing your beard.
40:13LAUGHTER
40:14So five points to Joanna, that's it.
40:17APPLAUSE
40:21Scoreboard, Poi.
40:22Right, OK, well, unfortunately, Sophie,
40:24that means you've only got six points,
40:26whereas John and Joanna are in the lead with 17 points.
40:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:33All right, then.
40:34Please, can you vacate your chairs, head to the stage
40:37for the final task of the show!
40:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:49Who's going to read the task out?
40:50Joanne McNally, my friend.
40:52LAUGHTER
40:53Don't look at me, Alex.
40:54Don't look at me.
40:56LAUGHTER
40:56Catch the most monsters in your boxes.
40:58The monsters must propel themselves from the table.
41:01Most monsters in boxes after two minutes wins.
41:05And I should also say,
41:06if you catch one in your arm, that's worth one monster.
41:09In your hat, that's worth two monsters.
41:11It's three on the leg, four on the back docket,
41:15five on the shoulder.
41:16Isn't the leg one a bit unfair?
41:19Someone's got an advantage.
41:22LAUGHTER
41:25OK, so it's two minutes, Greg.
41:27Let's dance.
41:28WHISTLE BLOWS
41:29And they're off.
41:30Oh!
41:32It's hard to even get it from.
41:35How do you do it?
41:36They're not bouncing.
41:38Oh!
41:45Now I'm tense.
41:47Now I'm tense, so facial.
41:50LAUGHTER
41:52LAUGHTER
41:55LAUGHTER
41:56LAUGHTER
42:00Yes, yes!
42:02APPLAUSE
42:04Nick is pulling away, Ian.
42:07LAUGHTER
42:07LAUGHTER
42:16Oh, Steve, that was so close! Tip the table, tip that table.
42:21Oh!
42:29My class, I want you to go.
42:30You did say in the task,
42:31the monsters must propel themselves from the table.
42:33Are we happy that the stage is a table for Sophie?
42:36I mean, it's an act of charity, I think.
42:39OK, I'm going to quickly count the monsters.
42:42We have one in the top.
42:44That's two monsters for Joanne.
42:45Lovely.
42:47We have one in the top.
42:48We also have two bucket monsters,
42:50so that's a total of ten monsters.
42:55Two in the leg, that's six monsters.
42:59Unfortunately, the arm is the lowest scoring.
43:01There are six in there, which is also a total of six monsters.
43:04Ah.
43:06APPLAUSE
43:07There is one in the hat and there are two in the bucket,
43:10so that's a total of ten monsters.
43:13APPLAUSE
43:15So, why don't you all come down here
43:17and we'll see what that's done to the final scores.
43:20APPLAUSE
43:26Greg, I need to show you a couple of things.
43:27Oh, good.
43:28Is it related to the show?
43:30LAUGHTER
43:32Unfortunately, yes.
43:32I need to get your judgement on a couple of little bits I caught
43:35during the task.
43:37Ooh!
43:40Some impropriety.
43:42LAUGHTER
43:43You need them, otherwise you can't see.
43:45LAUGHTER
43:46OK, have a look up here.
43:47The first thing I saw was this.
43:50APPLAUSE
43:50Great arm, well.
43:52Oh!
43:5230 seconds.
43:53Ooh!
43:55Out-rageous.
43:56Yes.
43:56So, do you want to dock him one monster or more?
43:58Oh, I mean, he's disqualified from the whole...
44:00I'm joking, I'm joking!
44:04Yeah, just dock him one point, yeah.
44:05One monster's gone.
44:06And then it's whether or not Steve's final hat monster
44:09was before or after the whistle.
44:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:13Stop!
44:16Well, it was about three years afterwards.
44:19LAUGHTER
44:19So there's not a lot of tension in that decision, is it?
44:22LAUGHTER
44:22So that means Joanne is last with the two monsters,
44:26then it's Nick with five, Sophie with six,
44:28Steve with eight and John takes all five points
44:31with the ten monsters.
44:32There it is!
44:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:36Excited what that's done to the final scoreboard,
44:38because, so far, only Steve has won, of course.
44:40Correct.
44:41In this episode, Joanne was pipped to the post.
44:44She got 18 points and John got 22 points!
44:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:47He's got it back!
44:48John Robbins is the winner of episode three!
44:51Going down with your creative animal touches!
44:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:58So, what have we learnt from today's show?
45:00Well, we've learnt that everyone finds themselves
45:03in tense situations.
45:04A difficult negotiation, perhaps?
45:06A feud with a neighbour?
45:07An argument with a partner?
45:09But remember, there's always a way
45:11to defuse that awful tension.
45:13And this is it.
45:15Huss!
45:16LAUGHTER
45:19APPLAUSE
45:21But there's only one real winner tonight,
45:23ladies and gentlemen.
45:24That is John Robbins!
45:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:47APPLAUSE
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