- 15 hours ago
Mock the Week - Season 22 - Episode 04
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00:28Transcription by CastingWords
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01:35has made plus two is it how many men does my wife invite round when she wants a threesome
01:48is it how many brothers does princess anne wish she has
01:54is it what number will you never see after the film title marley and me
02:03is it how many faces has peter mandelson got is it how many fingers is too many for a prostate
02:10examination
02:14you look traumatized then i know too much
02:20is it at what hour do i a bad boy start eating after eights
02:27is it in what year did the virgin mary start googling nannies based in nazareth
02:35is it what we're going to have to lower the drinking age to to save all the pubs
02:41is it how many sex positions do i know
02:46is it how many syllables and what the syllables are in desmond's surname
03:01what is the maximum number of sneezes you can do in a row before i think you're an attention
03:05seeking ballot is it how many words does donald trump read on an autocue before he goes off screen
03:14is it what's my uber rating given i always ask for a go on the gears
03:21you have the correct answer please yeah how many people know what the word wathering actually means
03:28did someone actually win two gold medals at the winter olympics like two that's correct
03:33thank you very much really you're very good yeah
03:37yes the question i'm looking for was how many gold medals did team gb's matt weston win at this
03:42year's winter olympics in milan cortina this news a western became the first british athlete in
03:45history to win two medals in a single winter olympics the men's skeleton and the mixed team
03:50skeleton with tabitha stoker that's mad the skeleton it's this insane event going down a
03:55mountain on a tea tray i'd rather go down on a gorilla too many winter olympic sports are the same
04:01it's this there's all just versions of sledding isn't it yes it's just sledding head first sledding
04:07feet first sledding feet first with a bloke on top of you there's too many winter olympic sports where
04:13the person doing it could die halfway through and we wouldn't even know if a corpse was going
04:19around they could be on their third victory lap and we'd only then do you think they loop around
04:24on that course are the dead ones why they called it skeleton i love the name like i just read
04:32what is
04:32it matt weston wins skeleton gold that's what a great headline yes it could be anything you found the
04:38skeleton gold adventure but the orcs rubies will not come so easily he's either winter olympian or a
04:45pirate and the two people who win skeleton gold the headline brit takes gold in skeleton does sound
04:50like we're just trying to fill up the british museum again they said he celebrated with three
04:56slices of margarita pizza like that's the rich tea of pizzas for a start if i won a gold medal
05:03at the
05:03olympics i'd be waterboarding myself with ben and jerry's and then getting bonnie blueed by the
05:07danish ice hockey team i'll just let you get that image out your head when you're being issued by
05:19claire balding you wouldn't use the word bonnie blue as a verb you want to bet
05:26yeah didn't we win a gold in snowboarding as well yeah snowboard cross which is an excellent event
05:32because you send one group down first and then you stagger the arts just a really good race of a
05:36thing yeah the snowboard cross mixed relay yes which is way too specific and way too many words
05:42to be impressive yeah it's like the sort of award that a service station wins when you're in a service
05:48station you see a sign that says we've got officially the most carbon neutral wh smiths on the m6 southbound
05:55we'll never be a winter sport power because of because of our climate like i went to canada
06:00a couple of winters ago it was minus 30 degrees when i landed minus 30 if it got to minus
06:0630 in
06:07this country do you think the airports would still be open if it got to minus 30 in this country
06:11the
06:11king would go on the news to legalize cannibalism all order is over just survive just survive
06:20we may see you in spring we may not um matt um best known to be credited for what he's
06:27done like
06:27whatever uh only took this up because he was injured playing other sports one of these people who's
06:31generally very good at sports and he ended up in hospital was shattered back uh and then was noticed
06:36because one day the porter was pushing him for the operation and slipped
06:42and he went out the front door of the hospital and and down the main street and he's like
06:47and there were two guys lifting it they're hardly did a pane of glass and they're like forward
06:50and back
06:51and then there's a guy going oh i've set up my fruit stall for the day
06:55and then there's a washing line and he went through that as well and then he's all in ladies
06:59underwear how have the curling events been the hotbed of controversy at these olympics well there's
07:09been lots of controversy about cheating but there's always been cheating and curling it's just usually
07:14they sweep you under the carpet really quickly thank you oh it's been so controversial there's been
07:24more double touching at this olympics than in the epstein files they said it was a lot of fuss over
07:31nothing didn't they the double touching they said there's not much a single finger can do i say you
07:35haven't lived this is the figure in question it's the canadian is that is that a lingering finger is
07:41that a lingering finger past the line you can't you can you have to release and not let it go
07:45like
07:45when the swedes were furious there was swearing wasn't it it was swearing on the ice curling's boring
07:51i get why they cheated to get the glory of being an olympic gold medalist in curling there's not a
07:57person in this room who didn't grow up wanting to be cloush floggle when they were older
08:03what is the actual issue with double touching is it because it'll make you go blind
08:09there is a big cultural difference with the canadians that maybe we don't realize my wife is
08:13canadian so i know this like i remember on our first date i said to her you look a million
08:18dollars right
08:18do you have any idea how weak the canadian dollar is
08:24but curling is to be fair like obviously curling is pathetic we know that it's a stag do activity at
08:29best okay curling no that's a shit stag do it's no it's it's darts it's no but it's no different
08:35it is it's a pumpkin who's doing darts on their stag do never organize a stag do
08:42it's very tough to be a stripper at that stag do
08:47i said single touch not double but it is the only winter olympic sport with transferable skills
08:52because there's a cleaning element to it where you could actually do a job after it because
08:56they don't get why did you point at me when you're talking about cleaning
09:00i've done so much directing at me uh oh okay yeah let the irishman clean yeah yeah you're in the
09:05front
09:05you're just in the crossfire like a stripper on a stag do i'm afraid
09:09where like the other olympics was no transferable skills is there you know if you do the luge what can
09:13you do
09:14just test out mri machines in future it has been an olympics marked by and this sounds obviously
09:22people slipping and sliding there's been a lot of people falling over and doing badly i mean the men's
09:26figure skating oh i mean what a huge surprise because all of the favorites fell and the winner
09:32was the guy who just did a figure of eight pushing a penguin but this guy i feel for him
09:38because he's an
09:38american citizen but his parents are both russian so it's it's not surprising he's getting a bit
09:43nervous around ice
09:52what's going on here
10:08what's happened is he's realized that the only way that the british public could hate it
10:11it's actually it's nice to see him wearing trousers for once
10:16i think what's happened is he's realized that the only way that the british public could hate him
10:23more is if he becomes the dog bin man i think that dog's looking pretty healthy given in the last
10:30six weeks it's probably only been fed shredded documents
10:40is he going these sacrifices to satan are getting bigger and bigger
10:45you think his pr team have just gone you need to look more normal just go out and take your
10:48dog for a
10:49walk not like that do you know your rigid dog dog you have bring that rigid dog out for a
10:57walk
10:57somewhere that's the end that'd be great he looks like he hasn't got cash to pay the cabbie and he's
11:01gone is this all right maybe he's just snapped there's all the paparazzis you take the dog and go
11:12he's holding it the wrong way around
11:17i can't remember how long it took to train my dog but it'll come to me
11:23the thing that upsets me about the whole manderson thing though really is that they the police
11:26searched his house and it took them two days if the police searched my house it would take four
11:31minutes they would just be like oh is it under the stairs he doesn't have stairs oh is it in
11:36the
11:36garden he doesn't have a garden oh is it under the mattress you're not going to believe this
11:42has anyone been on the island recently by the way has anyone actually gone out to that island is
11:46that still does it still operate you wondered if you could get a cheap holiday this is the stuff
11:51martin lewis won't tell you surely the flights will be relatively cheap now and and the accommodation
11:57be clear and there's no one there like whatever i mean must have it must be jurassic park it must
12:02have
12:02reverted back to nature this day is going to turn up on one of those omaze ads this incredible island
12:11with somebody scrubbing furiously at the back it's like how weddings are really cheap if you have
12:17them on september the 11th still it's that sort of yeah so what we're talking a 9 11 wedding on
12:22epstein
12:22island i want to know what the payment references were because he supposedly got sent 75 grand in three
12:30payments by epstein but when you like buy a dildo on the internet it doesn't say dildoshop.com on
12:35your bank statement it says how do you know that it says it says like dartmouth solutions limited
12:44by the fear of the upstairs there's a lawyer typing in dartmouth
12:50a financial advisor going what right we're on the telly this is the best press i've ever got in my
12:57life oh look if you buy a dildo now online what you do is you get is banks will go
13:02you sure this is
13:03not a scam have you checked the dildo have you looked at the dildo who did you buy the dildo
13:06from
13:06like whatever is it definitely a real dildo yeah just stop making me stop asking me questions is this
13:11is this dildo for a relative that's a dildo have been recommended by somebody who contacted you
13:18out of the blue that happens i look at mandelson now and i just wonder how much more scandal how
13:25much
13:25more disgrace can this man be hit with i mean what is going to emerge next is it going to
13:30be is it
13:31going to emerge that mandelson wrote the finale of game of thrones and he's got nando's black card
13:37and he only uses it for water is that how much is it going to get a picture of him
13:40kissing a bat in
13:41wuhan in 2012. at the end of that round the points go to angela sean and allister
13:53join us after the break for more mock the week
14:04the next round is called between the lines and features alistair and reese would you make your way
14:08to the press pit please reese will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure in the world
14:12stage
14:12and alistair will translate what they really mean this week reese is emmanuel macron oh
14:29oh it's just gonna be all in french
14:34our countries are so i've lost confidence in the accent
14:47our countries are so close geographically it is a pleasure to make the trip
14:52i'm gonna do the accents the whole way through
15:01i came by dinghy from calais to piss off nigel farage
15:05i am so cool i even wear sunglasses indoors i have conjunctivitis
15:13we will work tirelessly in the defense of europe 24 hours a day seven days a week
15:19we will work tirelessly in the defense of europe six hours a day four days a week
15:26back home i have to be on my guard against the rising right
15:31mind you bridget has a great left hook too
15:34i remain very sad about brexit
15:46the uk has been in the eu since 1973. it was so long ago my wife was only in her
15:5140s
15:54remember it was france that lit the flame of liberty for the world
15:57and then threw it through the window of the nearest car
16:01i will defend negative stereotypes of the french until my last breath
16:05although it will smell of garlic
16:09european countries all face the same common problems
16:12i want to say that i am very sympathetic to the difficulties keir starmer is having
16:23i have an excellent relationship with trump i'm so far up his ass i can see keir starmer's shoes
16:40so what's going on here
16:43has keir starmer just one rock paper scissors to get all the chairs
16:49what i'm more worried about is why at this conference is there a headboard with a pair of gold handcuffs
16:56on the phone
16:57dartmouth solutions limited
16:59we also arrange conferences
17:05is starmer saying britain doesn't need to increase defense spending not with these fists
17:13let me show you my one-inch punch
17:17the starmer think this is the first dates restaurant and that's fred
17:23what is this where is this happening do we know i think this is munich where macron was giving a
17:28speech
17:29about europe's need to re-arm and it's very important that that is delivered in a french
17:34accent and not a german accent
17:38you know they went with the french accent the ideal accent would have been a geordie accent because
17:41it's statistically the most trustworthy like i i regret to inform you all that we are at war with russia
17:48different panic
17:51yes it is emmanuel macron with uk prime minister keir starmer picture at the munich security conference
17:55recently um don't know what macron said during his speech i found it pretty harrowing to hear him
18:00say that he wants europe to become a geopolitical power are we not sorry we're not already a
18:04geopolitical that's like if you're getting a driving lesson and the instructor goes god one day i
18:08hope to pass my test
18:12the end of that round the points go to mark reese and ria
18:19the next time he's called you win some you lose some this day
18:26it involves mark and sean so if you could make your way to the performance area please this round is
18:31a stand-up challenge i launched the wheel of news and wherever you choose to stop one of our
18:33performers must step forward and talk about that subject the winner is whoever i think is the funniest
18:38okay here we go let's have our first topic please
18:41okay it's media
18:46everything's changing in the media apparently we're the last generation who ever going to know what a
18:51newspaper is all right physical newspapers are going to die out in the next 10 years oh this is
18:55tragedy because they're the one thing from our time on this earth the future generations they're
19:00not gonna be able to get their heads around you tell a kid in 30 years what a newspaper was
19:04they're
19:05gonna be like what are you talking about you're telling me there was a 7 000 page document with all
19:10the news in it and all the sport and some of them just had tits in you go yeah that's
19:17what we have
19:17before the internet big sort of argos catalog full of news sport yes topless women but also money
19:22advice garfield comics financial all this sort of stuff what was it like once a month you'd get it
19:28every day of your life there was a new one to read every day of your life what even on
19:34sunday on
19:35sunday they were twice as big no one knows why no one knows why but they were there waiting for
19:41you
19:41on your doorstep in the morning what there wasn't like a shop that you went to this is gonna sound
19:46crazy we hired children to bring them to us i don't know how any of it was legal we had
19:56massive
19:56heavy bricks full of tits and images of war and we summoned the children from their beds
20:04get up get up bernard drag this sack around the neighborhood mr o'reilly needs to see a topless woman
20:09before seven o'clock or he's not going to drive the school bus thank you very much
20:20okay the leaders have marked let's see what your supper gets let's spin the wheel
20:25going out
20:29i've had a great day today went out earlier found some money in the street
20:33just next to some blokes singing
20:39so my wife hates public displays of affection it's one day she wouldn't kiss
20:43me in front of people and i think she ruined our wedding
20:48that's not true no i don't have a wife
20:53do i have a girlfriend though that's true and actually asked her she wants to go out for a
20:57meal tomorrow night she said yes so now i've got the flat to myself
21:05recently went to an italian restaurant couldn't decide which pizza i wanted and the guy was like
21:10half and half i was like no i'll pay
21:15asked the woman where the toilet was she said straight out the back i said no how to do it
21:25the other day my grandmother fell asleep in the restaurant it's okay because it was nando's
21:35did this gig this guy's phone went off a bit rude he answered it just having a chat
21:39just started having a chat during the gig i was like right i'm a professional comedian i'll deal with
21:43this i said who is it he went it's your mum and that got laughs in the room i thought
21:48actually
21:48it's quite funny anyway turns out he'd nicked my phone i did this benefit gig like a charity
21:56fundraiser and boris johnson was there right and he knew i was a comedian he asked me the classic
22:01question he said what's the worst heckle you've ever had and i said fuck off you wanker i don't get
22:08heckled thank you very much mark
22:13our theater and the fans go to show the doctor let me come back here thank you
22:21join us after the break for more about the week
22:32our next round is called picture of the week i showed a panel a topic and a midgen asked to
22:37tell
22:38me what's happening so teens what's going on here six hard hats one helmet
22:46this is uh it's a work day visit from a local company i think they're called um dartmouth solution
22:54greatest greed ring them up call them it won't appear in your phone bill it's very good like that
22:59you're not a scam uh is it the village people this is why you check the whatsapp i'm going as
23:05a builder
23:08gosh it's nice to see someone who's in the epstein files actually surrounded by actual miners
23:19yes of course this is your president donald trump with a group of coal miners receiving an award
23:24somebody gave an award to donald trump this comes at a time when trump has also reversed environment
23:28policy from the obama era declared greenhouse gases endangering public health claiming it was a giant
23:33scam so what award did you get from the washington coal club he won the undisputed champion of
23:39beautiful clean coal award and i cannot believe that award has allowed itself to be demeaned like this
23:47right-wing coal miners are baffling to me you know i grew up in durham where it was all about
23:51coal mines and it was all about the unions like when i was a kid even fairy lights were fully
23:56unionized
23:57you know you remember in the 90s because if one of them stopped working
24:04one out all out solidarity he's making it out to be a huge thing but it's just a minor award
24:14it is just like what you do to get some a kid to eat their dinner it's embarrassing
24:18they're having to make up it's what the brownies and the scouts are all about i'm sure i've long said
24:22that why why does that have to stop you know i would definitely do my tax return on time if
24:27i've got a
24:27badge why why don't we get badges for adult things that not adult things here's your road job badge
24:37i would definitely get it but where would i sew it on what would i have to do to be
24:42brown now
24:42nothing nothing better than a woman in a negligee with loads of badges sewn onto the
24:56you can get a self-esteem badge how you're gonna feel if you don't get it
25:03who else has been excited to meet trump recently oh liz truss liz truss
25:07look at her little face look at her little face she's so excited looks like they're about to go
25:13out first round on pointless to me as well when people post photographs on facebook with the
25:21caption he has good days and bad days we took we took him for a lovely lunch uh at that
25:30hotel we
25:31usually go to it's really nice i've actually done some research about this picture i saw this picture
25:35and uh not many people know this but that woman was the prime minister
25:41it is very weird seeing like a small-time british villain meets a big proper international villain
25:48you know it's like scarface meeting blakey from off the buses
25:53i've got a question in america if two immigration agents have a kid is that an ice ice baby
26:09you're putting you're just you're pushing it you are at the end of that round the points go to mark
26:15reese and ria our next round is connections i show the panel of pictures of two well-known figures and
26:27asked them to tell me how they might be connected so what connects me to international spy james bond
26:34is it that your full name is dara double o'brien it's a tragedy really because 007 is your sperm
26:43count
26:46that'll be fine now how's this fault thank you very much
26:51is it that everyone thought in the reboot they'd both be played by a woman
26:58oh my cold dead hands is it sex addiction
27:12kill him he's got he's got bond girls have you got o'brien girls o'brien girls doesn't sound as
27:19glamorous i've got to say the o'brien girls just sounds like you know sort of your sisters
27:25oh the o'brien girls have been off to trouble they've been tipping the cows again out there
27:29the bringer it sounds like some girls who went missing sort of 40 years ago
27:34no one heard from the o'brien girls again the town is still haunted by the memory of the o
27:39'brien girl
27:40is it that you've both got the license to kill the vibe
27:45oh is it that you've both got the license to kill my career
27:49is it that you've both had characters based on you in the austin powers films
28:01don't even finish that don't even extend that i've enjoyed your last ever appearance
28:05is it that you've got the license to kill sean's career
28:10you've been doing the same job for decades don't look any older
28:14you're welcome that's the nicest of all of them
28:17both just really attractive charismatic people i have a lot of respect for
28:24both of you think you're the main guy but it's all the teams around you that make it good
28:30is it both of them despite what people may think have actually been played by irish people
28:36oh it's okay well played by irish this is not a persona i have that he's really irish yeah
28:46the thing that dara has been good to me i suppose
28:49is it that you're wearing the same outfit in these pictures uh i am i although i feel i'm not
28:53wearing
28:54it as accurately as he is i've worn tuxedos a lot over the course of my life did you have
28:58to pick one
28:59in which i'm like for some reason i'm giving i'm trying to give a smoldering look and yet my
29:06tires are going for doygan his picture is obviously is james bond and yours would have
29:11been hosting like mortgage provider no it's not that it's a dude's face you both won't shut up about
29:20it that's an exciting fact have you both got like a moon named after you it's not good it's very
29:28close it's not a moon no a constellation constellation constellation amazing constellation
29:32fine then a alien
29:36we both have an asteroid named after us oh so we could all get flattened by the dara oh yeah
29:42no if it gets bumped out of its path it will destroy all life on earth
29:45and for about six weeks i'll get a lot of coverage now why do you have this yeah why did
29:53they name
29:53after you are you a similar size no asteroids aren't all laughing they're bigger than me
30:02if it wasn't bigger than you and we worried about it destroying the earth
30:07if i was fired from space i would not destroy the earth i would burn up in the atmosphere
30:12i think this this would be that is true because you're irish because i'm irish very close
30:21yeah well it'd be the guinness wouldn't it yeah it's a white head
30:28why by the way independent of this why has james bond been in the news recently i think he's facing
30:33war crime charges
30:36the speculation over who the news as there always is but callum turner is the name of the actor
30:40this is a picture of calvin turner he looks like a rorschach test
30:45no no no it's the guy in front not the shape behind
30:48i was thinking it was weird that my aunt's breasts were behind him
30:56do you know genuinely because this annoys me because calum turner is already uh engaged to
31:01dua lipa yeah and now he's potentially going to be james bond it's like how good do you want your
31:04life to be mate technically ticking off everyone's dreams um and i genuinely two years ago auditioned
31:11for johnny english jr the best thing about that is you did it two years ago so you are already
31:20in
31:20your 30s i was 33 years old angela johnny english's uh son doesn't have a name of his own johnny
31:29english
31:29jr um that's what i was hoping was gonna you know mock the week ended i was like it's all
31:34right
31:35i'm a film star now anyway back here at the end of that round i have sheer pity that's what
31:42we're
31:42ending on is it yeah we're ending everything this is how the show ends the camera pulls slowly off
31:49your face goes out of the studio and into the rest of this lot elstree lot like whatever where it
31:55then turns and you can see the filming of johnny in the studio it's just i don't know james day
32:02castro i don't know yeah okay at the end of that round the points go to mark reese and ria
32:12join us after the break for more mock the week
32:24now we play a game called you think that's bad in a world where everything seems to be going
32:29wrong this is a chance for our performers to compete to outdo each other with tales of woe
32:32from their lives and i decide whose is the worst anyone care to start us off i'll start oh angela
32:37do you know what i did this week i accidentally sexted my father-in-law i was staying in a
32:43hotel it
32:44had nice tiles in the bathroom and he likes that sort of thing so i sent him a picture and
32:47i didn't
32:48realize my reflection was in the mirror i mean that's bad but did he respond to this not yet
32:55still waiting brian my mother-in-law sent me a weird message the other day i said there's
33:01something innocent like what you're up to she takes back saying she's got nothing on
33:10you think that's bad i asked a friend to guess my age and he said bronze
33:16you think that's bad my wife recently said to me the worst words a husband can hear
33:21you're not sorry you did it you're sorry you got caught yeah i wasn't cheating i'd wiped a
33:26yoghurt lid on the cat i mean i mean i mean that will that will get dealt with i mean
33:33the cat's
33:34going to deal with that situation it is very much a self-cleaning thing cat or i was a cat
33:43no we're processing this we're you think that's bad and this isn't as bad
33:50nowhere near as bad but you think that's bad i recently found out the fire brigade no longer
33:54people come out and rescue cats who were stuck up trees which is made i had to set the tree
33:57on fire
34:00you think that's bad i was visiting my friend in my new fur coat and her husband wiped a
34:05yoghurt lid on me do you think that's bad my mobile phone is so rubbish a guy in a scooter
34:12came
34:12past and gave it to me do you think that's bad the doctor found a bit of lego in my
34:18bum
34:19i said is that the weirdest thing you've ever found it says it's not the weirdest but it's definitely
34:27up there you think that's bad a doctor once found a two pound coin up my ass and then we
34:31had an
34:32argument about who got to keep it why did he get to keep it it's not his was that yeah
34:37was that your
34:38bottom dollar he's always ready for the rest of the show the aim is to find one you don't have
34:48a joke
34:49about you you think that's bad i spent four hours the other day looking for my kinder egg toy turns
34:55out i'd been eating a baby belt you think that's bad my girlfriend got so annoyed at me using my
35:02phone
35:02she threw it across the room luckily i put on airplane mode
35:07you think that's bad i'm so anxious that i tried to watch pornography but they were doing it in the
35:12back of a taxi and i kept thinking the meter's still running you think that's bad this guy asked
35:18me the other day if i was british and he said yeah i am and he said oh because your
35:22face isn't british
35:26i would have loved to tell him to off but he still had my passport
35:33you think that's bad my friend suffered from anxiety and i told him if you ever start to panic take
35:39a deep
35:40breath he drowned do you think that's bad i saw a bit of packaging earlier that said danger of
35:48suffocation keep away from babies but i'm not worried because i don't think a baby could suffocate me
35:55their hands are too small
35:58they would take you down in seconds after
36:01at the end of that round
36:05okay can i just point out i don't have anything about baby suffocation by the sounds of it
36:09where's where's your where's your part about a baby something hang on
36:13actually don't hold your breath
36:27now we come to scenes we'd like to see so if everyone can make their way over to the performance
36:32area i'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panels can come up with
36:35okay here we go the first subject is things you wouldn't hear on a travel show
36:41so what can i say about north korea well if i want my passport back absolutely nothing
36:49of course this area used to be known for quicksand but things have changed
36:59on this week's episode of great railway journeys we'll be making the eight hour trip
37:05from manchester to half a mile outside manchester
37:13i'm here in switzerland saying bye to mum
37:25a bit dark a bit dark a bit dark today we pay our respects to one of scotland's greatest female
37:33pop stars by visiting one of her favorite destinations we are going to onolulu
37:43here in the dead sea it is impossible for anything to sink so i'm really regretting that crafty shit i
37:50just had
38:04on a beach this unspoiled you know you can go for miles without seeing a single living hi romesh
38:19we've been at the resort for a couple of days now and my wife just informed me that one of
38:23the members
38:24of star keeps checking her out which is weird because he knows we're staying all week
38:30it's time for the british travel show generator let's spin the wheel now we've got
38:34ed balls traveling through south sudan on a tandem bicycle
38:45they're calling it a staycation but it's actually six months for armed robbery
38:51and the plane descends into madrid airport or as ryan air call it berlin west
39:01this footage of britain's coastline really is one of the bbc's best kept secrets not the best of course
39:13it's the best of the world they say to really enjoy a place you've got to go off the beaten
39:16track
39:17great now i'm lost
39:21travel romance luxury it's not for you
39:29i'm here in kazakhstan to dispel the harmful stereotypes perpetuated about kazakhstan in western
39:35media and with me is my wife
39:41the next topic is unlikely things to hear at the winter olympics
39:46fucking cold in it
39:50it's actually slippier than it looks
39:56and now it's time for the cross-country skiing iran russia syria all very cross countries indeed
40:04ice cube was going to perform at the opening ceremony but due to global warming here's wet wet wet
40:13oh that's very clever from the russian bobsleigh team saving space by putting the smallest athlete
40:18inside the second smallest athlete inside the third
40:23and here at the bobsleigh the jamaican team is doing terribly everyone's crying this isn't charming at all
40:32and his dreams of olympic gold come to an end with winning olympic gold that was a weird way to
40:38phrase that
40:40i'm high
40:45and that's all from the biathlon next up we have the gay athlon the straight athlon and the anything
40:50after a couple of pints athlon
40:55i'm not saying the british curling team is middle class but they do have a filipino woman doing the
40:59sweeping
41:04and they've dropped their sticks and now they're fighting and the blind bobsleigh has descended into
41:09anarchy oh look at that two three four full flips in the air i don't think you'll be allowed to
41:17drive the air ambulance again this is the most nervous i've seen skaters since dancing on ice was
41:25hosted by philip schofield
41:31welcome to milan home to prada mu mu versace and other shit names for british children
41:40after a shaky start for the italian just a few days later
41:43he's back and you know that's a little bit like jesus isn't it
41:52oh i should have bought a coat
41:58as they come pelting down the slope i'm reminded that winter olympians have 14 words for snow but
42:03only one word for
42:08and if anyone is at home watching the curling and thinking it might be fun to take part yourself
42:12please keep in mind every single person here is a virgin
42:18where do i get my polls from dartmouth solutions limited
42:28and of course beneath the slopes the ice warriors wait biding their time dreaming their deathless
42:35dreams in chambers vast beyond a match is that claire balding
42:43should we just wait till it's sunny this is fucking shit
42:48apologies to all viewers apparently that thing in the ice hockey is called a puck
42:56this is lovely to see the first ever drag queen to win gold in the bobsleigh
43:03the end of that round the point is going to angela sean and alistair
43:08that's the end of the show this week's winners are realina reese james and mark sillons
43:14congratulations to angela barn sean mclaughlin and alistair beckett king
43:19thank you for watching thank you for watching i'm jara breen good night
43:40thank you
43:43Superbowl! Superbowl!
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