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Mock the Week - Season 22 - Episode 02
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20:59TransomenS Afеть suka
21:00London no one said a word just looked at me and went decision to make haven't I what do I
21:10do now
21:10do I try and get off at the next stop and go back and get my shoe I'm gonna be
21:13late for work I've
21:14just started a new job so I decided I just have to carry on and then I've got another decision
21:17to
21:18make which is what looks more mental one shoe or no shoe no shoes somehow looks slightly less
21:25deranged so I take the other shoe off put that in my handbag I now go to work with no
21:30shoes on and I
21:31try and style it out all day and I might have got away with it have my job not being
21:35homeless
21:35outreach support work thank you very much Angela okay the leaders of Milton let's see what your
21:47topic is I spin the wheel topic is travel okay if I understand history correctly years ago everyone
22:07in this country whose name was Colin was rounded up and transported to places like Canada India
22:17Australia Australia in an attempt
22:24some of you seem to be ahead of me
22:29in an attempt here we go to colonize the world
22:43anyone here from up north
22:46I was up in your part of the world the other day up near Cambridge
22:54recently I was just to the north of London it turns out like a lot of people these days I
22:58am in
22:58in fact Luton intolerant
23:06they also really honor the people of Sheffield not only did they make the steel they also had to sell
23:13it as well so in a very real way he who smelt it dealt it
23:23I love travel I hopped home the other day I found a shoe on a railway line
23:34thanks that doesn't normally work
23:43I remember years ago I had a friend who wasn't very well he went off the rails I said to
23:49him Thomas
23:53don't do that again we love you
23:55wasn't sure how he'd react but he was chuffed
24:03people say to me these days
24:05Islamophobia
24:06I said no lamb is a type of meat
24:16not a phobia
24:18you might have a phobia of lamb
24:21when you were little you fell into a shepherd's pie
24:24we've all done that
24:26some strange people out there
24:28do you hear about that woman who was arrested at Gatswick airport this morning
24:30seven baby porcupines in a pillowcase
24:34how some people sleep at night
24:43moped crime the scourge of our streets
24:45I saw a moped coming towards me the other day
24:46I waited I waited I waited and he's going past
24:49took him off
24:52just as well when I opened up what he had in the back he clearly just stolen a human heart
25:03I only saved a life there
25:09I only saved a life there
25:10very good at the end of that round the points for the Milton Jones
25:17join us after the break for more Bach the Week
25:28our next round is called if this is the answer what is the question
25:31on the board of six categories Lou which category would you like
25:33oh for me it's going to have to be politics
25:35oh right that's the kind of show we make
25:37the topic is politics and the answer is eight years what is the question
25:42what did Mike Tyson do to Evander Holyfield
25:46eight years
25:52eight years do you get it
25:55wow I mean just to put all the chips into the middle of the table like that
26:01is it that when the washing machine says it has one minute left
26:06how long is actually left
26:09is it when is my emergency GP appointment
26:16what age was I and I said to my mum I'm no good at mathematics and she said
26:21well you're good at other things count your blessings I said I can't
26:26is it what is the age of consent if you own an island
26:30oh
26:31oh
26:34for legal purposes I am not stating any particular island
26:39I am not suggesting any particular political figures have visited any particular island
26:43the man from Diamante is going to be furious
26:47is it how long would it take me to answer all the messages I got after last week's episode that
26:52said where's Hugh
26:56is it at what age after a frankly unacceptable tour was I inexplicably given a chocolate factory to try and
27:02run by myself
27:03I had absolutely no qualifications to do it the whole thing was a death trap frankly
27:11it's shut down it's a vape shop now
27:15is it how often is so often in the phrase I floss every so often
27:23is it how long is Christmas dinner going to feel at the Beckham's this year
27:33is it how much time have I saved cumulatively in my life since I realised you can just put pasta
27:38straight in the kettle
27:42is it how old do your friends kids have to be before you can swear at them
27:47is it how long now has Melania been saying to herself this will be his last Christmas
27:59is it how long did Peter Mandelson think emails were kept for
28:07is it how long is it going to take before I can go to sleep without seeing the image of
28:12Peter Marysson
28:13flashing before my eyes
28:16is it simply how long's left
28:22that's a guess
28:24yeah
28:26is it if you add them all up how long does it feel like the ads are on this show
28:32oh my god I've seen oh the ad there's one ad of me
28:36I apologise to anyone who thought where it's me with the logo behind me
28:39and I saw it mute in a football stadium
28:41and it looked like something out of the running man
28:43I just stand there going and I can see my mouth moving
28:46as I was saying you could earn a million credits or die
28:52sorry we'll dial it down
28:54is it how long is it since I kissed a bat without fear of consequences
29:03is it how long does it feel like plays last
29:09big tears are going back
29:12now I don't approve it
29:14that joke actually
29:16these people only come to shit they can get into for free
29:18come on
29:23that's our demographic right there
29:25is it therefore is it how long did everyone here save up to come
29:28is it how old do jockeys look in silhouette
29:39okay I'm going to move to a correct answer to the captain
29:41is it how long before Trump's board of peace changes its name to the first order
29:49how long would it take you to list all my gods
29:58pretty sure once I've done the elephant one
30:02wait did you just call him the elephant one
30:04the elephant one
30:05oh and Ganesh
30:07I was going to say Gilgamesh
30:13that would have been epic to be back
30:15that's the bad guy from the smurfs
30:18I did not know this is how we got cancelled
30:20yes
30:21we will again
30:23sorry we do need to go towards the correct answer if we can please
30:26is it when was the last time a British Prime Minister visited China
30:29that's absolutely right thank you very very much please yes
30:36yes the question I was looking for was until Keir Starmer's recent trip
30:39how long had it been since a UK Prime Minister visited China
30:42this is the news that Keir Starmer led a delegation to China
30:45to break the eight year ice age in diplomatic relations between the two countries
30:48and to pursue a closer trading partnership
30:50so what happened on the trip
30:52well what happens in China stays in China
30:54okay
30:54very good at surveillance
30:57we were there to sort of negotiate meet their Prime Minister
31:00and then is it Prime Minister? Emperor
31:02uh
31:04divine leader
31:05yeah
31:05this is why you didn't get the job
31:07yeah
31:08that we didn't send you
31:09is it Prime Minister?
31:11who cares
31:11we have so little to offer China
31:13because like they famously make everything
31:15okay
31:15but we need their like oil
31:17their microchips
31:18their uranium
31:18and what we offered in return is like lower tariffs on whiskey
31:22yeah
31:22and it really just feels like when you're a teenager
31:24and you buy a Christmas present for your parents
31:26and like
31:27they've got you a Playstation and a BMX
31:29and you've got your dad
31:30this can of shaving foam
31:33he shouldn't be taking presents from China
31:36because if he needs to send them back it's really hard
31:40there have been a lot of gifts back and forth
31:42so uh Xi Jinping gave Keir Starmer a copper statue of a horse
31:46because it's the Chinese year of the horse
31:49and uh Starmer gave Xi Jinping a statue of a British guy who's just fucking given up
31:56that's what year it is here
31:59he actually gave um
32:00Keir Starmer gave him a football didn't he?
32:03he gave him the football piece
32:03from the Arsenal Man United game that had taken place about two days earlier
32:06that's the only thing isn't it football where you give someone the
32:09like it doesn't happen in other areas of cultural
32:12like you don't go to the ballet and then give someone the lead fella's codpiece
32:17the weird thing about it is that Xi isn't even into football
32:20Starmer just misread his name as Eleven
32:26his official name is starting Xi
32:30we've got to negotiate with China now basically
32:31it's a thing haven't we
32:32right and for years we've been anti negotiate with China
32:34because they're like an evil dictatorship or whatever
32:36right but now they're the most powerful economy in the world
32:38so we have no choice
32:39and it's just exactly like the nerdy girl in an American high school movie
32:45who suddenly gets hot
32:46and what's effectively happened with this economy is China has taken off its glasses
32:50and let down its hair and we've gone oh my god you're gorgeous
32:55you can have all the sweatsop shops you want as long as you go to prom with me
32:58please
32:59do you realise you just said sweat socks?
33:01yes
33:02I was very much hoping no one noticed that
33:06apparently when he was in Beijing
33:08Starmer asked to see the Forbidden City
33:10but they said no
33:15no they gave him a labubu
33:16they gave him a special labubu
33:18they gave him a really special labubu
33:19whose eyes follow you round the room
33:21and you started by leaning into the labubu
33:25and going testing
33:26one
33:26one
33:27two
33:27one
33:28two
33:29to bring luck to all of your private music
33:32yes
33:34ignore the beeping and clicking noises it makes as it uploads the good fortune
33:38yes
33:39if people ask you to speak louder
33:41then you should speak louder
33:43yes
33:43yes
33:43yes
33:45also we've got to work with China haven't we
33:46because we want an alternative to Trump
33:48because Trump is too mad right
33:49and the thing is like
33:49China evil whatever
33:51but at least they do it in a predictable way
33:52like you say
33:53China is like
33:54oh China want to spy on us
33:55why
33:55because they want some information
33:57with Trump it's like
33:58oh Trump's going to
33:58bomb Burundi
34:00and
34:00for a tariff on urinal cakes
34:02why
34:03because he didn't win the Booker Prize
34:07to commemorate Prime Minister Keir Starmer's historic visit to the country
34:11let's see how much you all know about China
34:13okay what holds parts of the Great Wall of China together
34:16sticky rice
34:17no
34:18yes
34:19you both
34:20no that was a joke
34:22what
34:22what
34:23no no it's true
34:24it's sticky rice
34:25yeah yeah yeah it is yeah
34:25shut up
34:27no no
34:28sticky rice is the nickname of the guy who meant the wall
34:33that was meant
34:34oh I
34:34no it's genuinely
34:35it's genuinely sticky rice
34:36wait and you two were both guessing
34:38yeah
34:38that's the most racist guess I've ever heard about this
34:42it only takes 45 minutes to be sharing the one studio before women's punchlines start to fall
34:50at the end of that round the points for the Lou, Rhys and Milton
34:53yeah
34:56join us after the break for more about the week
35:07now we come to scenes we'd like to see so if everyone can make their way over to the performance
35:10area
35:11I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up with
35:15okay here we go the first subject is things you wouldn't hear on a news programme
35:21we're hearing there's been a spate of people leaving out their legs to trip up some of our correspondents
35:26for more on this here's our reporter on the ground
35:31on BBC News tonight the story of the greatest comeback in TV history
35:35join me at 10 I'm Hugh Edwards
35:41if you've been affected by any of our stories on tonight's panorama special on sex addiction
35:47then please call our hotline and speak to Sam
35:50she's hot she's horny and she's waiting for your call
35:56and we've just got time to have a look at tomorrow's papers
35:58and the front page of the Guardian has gone with
36:00where where where where
36:06the victim wished to remain anonymous which once you get to know him is just such a Will Patterson thing
36:10to do
36:14next up tonight's special report on elder care where we'll be speaking to a representative from Age UK
36:21and for BBC balance the ghost of Harold Shipman
36:28Iran so is it is it Iran or Iran Iran or Iran Iran over a child on my way to
36:36work this morning
36:40we're going out to our foreign correspondent
36:43think he's Indian or something
36:48I'm the foreign correspondent
36:53Clive who writes our autocue has sadly passed away so we will be having a minute's silence
36:57possibly longer if we can't find someone else
37:03if you think watching the BBC TV news is pointless then you've probably tuned in too early
37:13later we'll be asking are news readers intentionally trying to make their colleagues sound like perverts
37:17but first it's over to Wimbledon where Stephen is getting a good look at the men's semis
37:24breaking news just in today Piers Morgan let someone finish a sentence
37:31sport now and some women have been having a go at football
37:40what you wouldn't hear that
37:43you wouldn't hear that it's good that you wouldn't hear that
37:48misogynists
37:49misogynists
37:50sport now and some Irish people have been having a go at football
38:02breaking news the chairman of the BBC has been sacked for letting outrageously good talent go to another TV channel
38:16football
38:17football is shit and boring and played by wankers
38:18sorry
38:20that was an Irishman having a go at football
38:28previously on the news
38:30everything
38:35and in business news the footsie is actually getting a bit much Steve would you mind keeping it professional
38:43that was Josephine with the weather and if you'd like to see more of Josephine you're in luck she is
38:47on OnlyFans
38:52you're watching GB news over now to have a look at the foreign markets
38:56oh is that what they eat
39:01you're watching question time where joining me on the panel are four of Britain's most available nut jobs
39:11travel news now the London to Brighton line has been suspended due to a shoe on the rail
39:19sorry I'm later trouble with my tits
39:25me too
39:29we now go live to our Ukraine correspondent Stephen you're a few miles outside the conflict tell us what is
39:34it like being a pussy
39:37the next topic is unlikely things to hear in a job interview
39:43I'd be happy to come in Wednesday
39:45which is the reason I got fired from the new Addams Family movie
39:55can I confirm I'm not using chat GPT to help me with this zoom interview that's an awesome question here's
40:00a list of ten possible responses
40:05yes I have done my research for instance I know exactly what school your children go to
40:14yes computers are my life really I know an awful lot about them
40:17yes and even when I go to a restaurant you know I trip up the waiter and shout the servers
40:22down
40:27the four-year gap in my CV yes some dipshit cancelled the show
40:38no you seem like a perfect candidate Miss Barnes but you're not wearing any shoes
40:46and were you breastfed for love and would you like to be
40:53so are the lighthouse family a family who live in a lighthouse or a family whose surname is lighthouse
41:00sorry questions about the job
41:01no
41:05I've wanted to be an auctioneer ever since I was a little boy I dreamt about it once I dreamt
41:08about it twice
41:09I dreamt about it three times oh no you don't want me okay I'm gone
41:16and then I let the three final guys finish off on my chest and that's an example of how I'm
41:23good at teamwork
41:27oh the three years in wormwood scrubs
41:31was I the warden
41:32yeah let's go with that
41:33yeah
41:36yes the last genetic lab I worked in I crossed the pitbull terrier with a boomerang
41:43unfortunately it came back to bite me
41:50oh I don't know probably shagging identical twin brothers
41:53oh you mean my greatest workplace achievement
41:58interesting fact about me I've got an identical twin brother
42:04uh
42:06do I have any questions for you
42:07um how good is the wi-fi in the toilets
42:15Hustler
42:16Grindr
42:17these are just two of the apps I've been banned from
42:22we believe in equal opportunities here mainly so the women can
42:26shut up
42:29have I got any questions well what kind of cars does this garage have
42:34what kind of cars does this garage have
42:37what kind of oh hire
42:47a critique I got at my last job that I put people down which is apparently abusing my power as
42:53a vet
42:57what are my first impressions um
42:59I'm Gary the CEO my wife left me and I speak of cabbage
43:06my biggest strength knowing when not to answer questions
43:09my biggest weakness
43:11probably tits
43:14at the end of that round the points for the Lou, Rhys and Milton
43:22and that's the end of the show
43:23this week's winners are Angela Barnes
43:25Ed Byrne and Aher Shah
43:29commiserations to Milton Jones, Leith James
43:31and Lou Sanders
43:34thank you for watching
43:35I'm Dara Breen, goodnight
43:40and happy to see you
43:41we love the things that happen
43:43about the world of hope
43:45can't believe in everything
43:48should have been
43:51we are the light
43:54we are the light
43:57these are the world
43:58these are the world
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