- 8 minutes ago
Taskmaster Season 5 Episode 1
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:17Hello and welcome to a brand new season of Taskmaster Australia.
00:22I'm Tom Gleeson and I'm back baby.
00:24I've spent the off season honing my mental physique and mastering my ability to be exceedingly
00:29judgmental in a way that only 75% of people would agree with.
00:33Also I can watch five comedians attempt to impress me and walk away with a magnificent
00:38prize so rare there's only four of them for sale on Gumtree.
00:43A golden replica of my lustrous head.
00:50This week and every week we will be joined by Anissa Nandala, Brett Blake, Celia Popola,
00:58Joel Gracie and Perth's very own Rove McManus and at my loyal side the man who in the off
01:08season somehow got his naughty bits stuck in the eye of a fidget spinner, it's Lesser Tom
01:13Cashman.
01:18It's not my fault it was a design flaw.
01:22All right it's time for the prize task.
01:25That's right our first task is a prize task each of our contestants have brought in a prize,
01:28the best prize as judged by the Taskmaster will receive five points, second best four
01:31points and so on and the winner of tonight's episode will take home all five prizes.
01:35Tonight our contestants have been asked to bring in what they consider to be the object most
01:39likely to satisfy the Taskmaster if he were to crush it in his hand.
01:44All right Anissa what satisfyingly crushable object have you brought in?
01:48Well I thought in this economy it's very difficult to maintain steady work so I thought something
01:53that would satisfy you to crush would be the careers of your competitors.
02:04I like where you're going but I think at the moment they're crushing their own careers aren't they?
02:09Also Rove does it hurt you not to be up there?
02:11I'm insulted.
02:12All right Brett what have you brought in?
02:14Well I know what your biggest beef is and it's been you know all over the news and media you
02:18have
02:18a big beef with Grant Denya so I have got a mould of Grant Denya's balls.
02:28And the best part is that's actually a mould of his balls check this out.
02:39Wouldn't it be great just to put your hands down there grab his balls and go deal or no deal
02:43Grant?
02:47Right Celia what have you got?
02:49I brought something that is undeniably a pleasant thing for anybody to crush in their hand physically
02:54and then I thought of something that you personally would like to crush.
02:57Yeah.
02:57A potato chip with Tom Cashman's dreams written on it.
03:06Wouldn't that be nice?
03:08Yeah crushing the Pringle on its own would be very satisfying but knowing that it had
03:12Cashman's dreams in there.
03:13Yeah.
03:13I'm like that's never going to happen either.
03:14So we just catch it.
03:16But it's a slippery slope though because for me once I pop I can't stop.
03:21Right Joel.
03:23Well I was trying to impress the Taskmaster.
03:26We both clearly hate the sun and so therefore hate sand because you know that gets in all the
03:30cracks and very hard to get out.
03:32And so I have built a sand castle with the most crushable thing on it.
03:37Tom Cashman's face.
03:44Wow.
03:45That looks like the face I make when I find out I'm not getting a girlfriend.
03:49Right Rove what did you bring in?
03:50I took something that I have myself that I love to crush on a regular basis.
03:57It's this piece of cheese that when you crush it this happens a little mouse comes out.
04:06And it is thoroughly satisfying.
04:11The mouse is very cute coming out of the cheese but I grew up on a farm.
04:14We had a mouse plague and I'm traumatized by mice.
04:17So one point to Rove.
04:18Then I'm going to what else am I going to go for?
04:20I have a pretend feud with Denya and a pretend feud with Peter Hellyer.
04:23They're actually good friends of mine.
04:25So I'm going to give two points to Brett and three points to Anissa.
04:28But I have a genuine feud with you you s**t head.
04:36So I'm going to give Joel four points but five points to Celia because you know.
04:42Oh my god.
04:44All right that's enough piss farting about I'm ready for a first task.
04:47The first task for season five.
04:49You've got it call us Philosophy 101 we're about to prevent death with a trolley problem.
05:05Hello Tom.
05:07Hello Thomas.
05:08Hey.
05:09I like your place.
05:15Hi Rose.
05:16Oh hi Tom.
05:17Dude is that your car?
05:18That's sick.
05:19Bunch of eggs in a trolley.
05:21I'm not surprised.
05:22You don't look that excited to see me Tom.
05:24You don't think?
05:25Not at all.
05:26You're going to be like this the whole time.
05:27Like what?
05:29Like this.
05:30I guess.
05:31We could be friends.
05:33Are you still doing comedy?
05:34Am I still doing comedy?
05:35Yeah.
05:36I'm just doing this.
05:37This is comedy.
05:39May I?
05:39Please.
05:41I've ruined the card already.
05:43Here we go.
05:44Send these passengers on the safest yet speediest journey down the drive.
05:49You may not touch the passengers.
05:51The vehicle may only be moved by shoves.
05:54With one shove allowed every 30 seconds.
05:58For any deceased passengers you must hold a meaningful memorial before proceeding.
06:03A bonus point will be given for best memorialiser.
06:06Fastest wins.
06:08The time starts now.
06:10I'm so sorry but some of you aren't going to make it.
06:16Just before we get started I'm going to say I'm so glad I didn't get that driveway resealed.
06:21Because that gravel is going to be an absolute bastard.
06:25So whose eggs are we going to murder first?
06:27Well you can't break eggs without breaking a few eggs.
06:29It's Anissa, Celia and Ro.
06:32All right you guys.
06:33Are you with me?
06:34Who feels safe?
06:37Be free my little passengers.
06:39Look at them go.
06:40This is great.
06:41Never going to win unless I try.
06:48Oh no.
06:50We lost one.
06:51Oh but she's still going.
06:52Go you little rip-on.
06:54Oh I'm really happy with this.
06:55I'm really happy with this.
06:57Oh no.
06:59Oh it's carnage.
06:59Oh no.
07:01Oh no.
07:02Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of some dear friends of mine.
07:12To the earth you return.
07:16I'm Muslim.
07:17I don't know why I did that.
07:18Oh no.
07:19Captain Boyle.
07:20He stole from the rich and gave to the poor and we will miss him.
07:24I don't think that one was dead.
07:25Oh f**k.
07:26I lied.
07:26He's a pedophile.
07:28Let's go for broke.
07:36That wasn't worth it.
07:38That was quite a good one.
07:39Oh no they're all dead.
07:40Tom.
07:41I'm gonna miss you guys.
07:42This one was a bit of a dick but we're sad that you died anyway.
07:50What's this for?
07:52Dude it's a pyre.
07:53You know how it works.
07:54In post effects we could add flames.
07:58Stand back.
07:59Tom don't get burnt from the fire.
08:01Here we go.
08:05I should have been there.
08:06I should have cared for you.
08:08I should have nurtured you.
08:11Great.
08:12Finish line is in sight.
08:13I'm just going for it.
08:14I believe in all of you okay?
08:15Do you trust me?
08:17Let's go.
08:18Just cross the line.
08:21Oh look at this angel who didn't leak when I gave her a hug at all.
08:25No she's fine.
08:26They're all fine Tom.
08:28And in fact I'm just going to keep them with me because they're all alive and fine.
08:32Are some of them dead too?
08:33No.
08:33Thanks Tom.
08:34Thanks Celia.
08:35Bye.
08:43So Celia how many memorials have you been to where after the tribute they throw the body away?
08:49Well you don't keep them.
08:50Yeah.
08:51They're all dicks.
08:52They're a bunch of egg dicks and I'm glad they're dead.
08:55Yeah you uh you abused them in several different ways.
08:58What were you calling the eggs?
08:59I don't know one of them.
09:00Oh I won't repeat it.
09:02I'll repeat it.
09:03Celia accused one of them of being a pedophile.
09:07So Anissa you said to one of the eggs in your heartfelt tribute
09:11I should have been there.
09:13Um you were there.
09:16I feel like I should have been there intellectually because I wasn't thinking.
09:20I don't know why I pushed it that hard.
09:22I genuinely could not think of another way to do it other than that.
09:25You know right?
09:27Are you trying to throw to the next segment?
09:32I'll do the twists and turns thank you.
09:36Now Rove how did you feel about the fire that was added in post there?
09:39Oh it was really good and I'll tell you all about it after the break.
09:44No?
09:46I was quite impressed by it.
09:48That's what I expected my Viking funeral to be like.
09:51All right now Tom what's your favorite part of this task?
09:53Yeah probably the second line of the task actually.
09:55Oh right and what was that?
09:56You may not touch the passengers in any way.
09:59I can't touch them.
10:00Nope.
10:01Oh no Captain Boyle.
10:03We will miss you.
10:04I don't think that one was dead.
10:05Oh f**k.
10:06That was Jasmine.
10:07Okay.
10:10I touched it.
10:11I touched it.
10:12So what it was, can I put it back?
10:13So Carl's going into space.
10:19Please don't throw the eggs at the camera people.
10:25Can I touch them now?
10:26What do you mean now?
10:28I wasn't touching them before.
10:34So this means they're all disqualified.
10:36That's right yep.
10:38Rove touched an egg twice.
10:39Anissa touched an egg 31 times.
10:43Celia touched an egg 40 times.
10:45I love it.
10:46I just love touching eggs okay.
10:48I have a problem.
10:50All right well let's take a break.
10:52We'll be back soon to see if any of our contestants aren't disqualified.
10:55We'll see you after this.
11:07Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
11:09If you've just joined us you're late and I'm very disappointed.
11:13What were we doing Tom?
11:14Our contestants are shoving a trolley full of eggs down a driveway as fast as they can
11:17and they're not allowed to touch eggs.
11:19So far our contestants have touched so many eggs.
11:22All right it's just a simple task.
11:24Fastest wins.
11:25Fastest wins.
11:26Up next it's all the king's men.
11:27Can they end what can only be described as an egg touching extravaganza?
11:31It's Joel Creasy and Brett Blake.
11:32I'm not very strong.
11:34Am I allowed to drive that car?
11:36Jump in let's go.
11:38I can use anything right?
11:42What if I got on me?
11:44I'm staying here?
11:44Yeah you're staying here.
11:46If I tie this and sort of shut then I can sort of pull it back.
11:49What if I like put something over the top to pat it?
11:56I'm not touching them.
11:57Go to sleep with legs.
12:00What's that for?
12:01A ramp dickhead.
12:02Let's go.
12:07There are no deceased passengers.
12:08Yes.
12:10Oh that's a shit ramp.
12:13Shove.
12:16I reckon I've nailed this.
12:18I feel like this is a shop.
12:20That's a shop.
12:22That's a shop.
12:24There's one deceased passenger.
12:29There is one deceased passenger.
12:31We've traveled all this way and you are just a bit too weak.
12:35And that's life isn't it?
12:36That's the memorial.
12:37That's nicer than what I said at my grandma's funeral.
12:40You need to sing the national anthem.
12:42Go.
12:43You want me to do it?
12:44Yeah well I'm doing this.
12:46Go.
12:47Come on.
12:49Australians, oh let us rejoice.
13:06There's five deceased passengers.
13:08I feel like this is what the eggs would have wanted.
13:11You know what I mean?
13:12And if you could keep singing that national anthem as well.
13:14I think that will help.
13:15We've got the flag there.
13:18Maybe a burnout.
13:20We are young and free-range eggs.
13:24With gold and oil and subbing, subbing oil.
13:29Our home is good.
13:31Seems the eggs would want me to win.
13:39There's an additional deceased passenger.
13:45Can you skip?
13:57Great work Brett.
13:59I think you did really well.
14:01I especially like for we are young and free-range.
14:04Age.
14:05I love how I'm the only person on the panel who's dyslexic but I managed to read do not touch
14:10the eggs.
14:11I liked your memorials too that you gave.
14:14I think they were very good.
14:15But I feel like at a bogan memorial you should have been wearing wrap around sunnies.
14:18Yeah.
14:19There wasn't enough props but I had a ramp.
14:21I got the van involved.
14:22I think I started using the van too much that the safety coordinator on set started hiding vehicles from me.
14:27So, it did not go well.
14:30Tom had some fun though.
14:32Well, I felt like I was in danger more than this.
14:35Danger, electric excitement.
14:37It's all the same dude.
14:39Alright Joel.
14:40Yes.
14:40I thought you were being a bit hard on yourself when you were saying that you weren't that strong.
14:44But then I saw your effort and I thought it was about accurate.
14:48I don't know what I was planning with the rope because I didn't do anything.
14:53I did enjoy the memorials though because I've been planning my funeral.
14:58Forever.
14:58Well, I can't wait.
14:59I honestly can't wait.
15:00What's your plan?
15:00Open casket with my eyes glued open.
15:02Right?
15:03So, I can look into the eyes of my enemies just one last time.
15:06Yeah.
15:07Joel, would you like to hear more about your plan for your funeral?
15:10Glinda and El Farber from Wicked will sing for good.
15:13El Farber?
15:14El Farber?
15:15El Farber?
15:17El Farber?
15:17I'm not a musical guy.
15:19Hush your dirty mouth.
15:20You're going to want to retake that because they're going to come to you Tom.
15:24No, do not retake that.
15:25No.
15:26If I don't get to go back and untouch eggs, you do not get a second cracker.
15:32Luke, I am your El Farber.
15:34Yeah.
15:34No.
15:35No, no, no.
15:36No, no, no.
15:37Give him a break.
15:38Give him a break.
15:39Tom, you know, you know, you're joking, you know the Wizard of Ooze.
15:43Right?
15:44To be fair, we should just do a pick up of you saying El Farber because otherwise fans of
15:49musical theatre will be coming at you.
15:51Oh, no.
15:53Joel, Joel, I don't think he's seen what Joe's hands come in.
15:55I was going to say, well, we'll rip your throat out.
15:58We're coming at you, we're coming at you, better run, better run.
16:06I'm sorry you had to see that side of me, Tom.
16:12I'm not supposed to enjoy this show this much, but anyway.
16:14What I was trying to allude to when I was describing what Joel told me about his funeral is that
16:18we did a lot of talking during that task.
16:20Joel took 37 minutes and 22 seconds.
16:24Brett's decision to use the van means his time was just 10 minutes and 8 seconds.
16:31So that means zero points for the first three contestants, Anissa, Celia and Rove, all disqualified.
16:36Four points for Joel and five points for Brett.
16:40Finally, you need to choose the best memorialiser.
16:43Oh, that's easy.
16:44Brett Blake.
16:44Okay, six points for Brett Blake.
16:46Yeah, pretty great.
16:48Okay, and what are the scores for the episode so far?
16:50Out in front, it's a tie at the moment.
16:52Brett and Joel both on eight points.
16:53All right.
16:59I'm ready for another task.
17:00This next task is about middle names, but I'll never tell you mine.
17:03Discretion is my middle name.
17:05Oh, wait.
17:19Tom Cashman with the iPad in the study.
17:23Bonjour.
17:25Hi Joel.
17:26Please choose a word.
17:27Oh.
17:28What, choose one that's hanging?
17:29They all describe me.
17:31Darren, technically a name, but that's all right.
17:33I'll go kill.
17:34Chaos.
17:35Wizard.
17:35Danger.
17:36I choose Darren.
17:37You choosing Darren?
17:38Yeah.
17:40Oh, no.
17:42I'm cool.
17:44I feel like Eddie Scissorhands.
17:47Totally broke that one.
17:48Now, do I read the thing?
17:49Yes, Liz.
17:50Okay.
17:53Why?
17:54The word you just selected is your new middle name.
17:59Live up to it.
18:00I should have gone with sexy.
18:02Most lived up to middle name wins.
18:04You have 25 minutes to time stress down.
18:06I mean, obviously, Danny's my middle name.
18:08I win.
18:08I should just get points for choosing the correct one.
18:10Like, what would you do?
18:11Because you're very cool.
18:12Like, what would a cool person?
18:12Like, I'm asking a cool person.
18:14What would they do?
18:15I'm not going to answer because I suspect you're being sarcastic.
18:17This is effed up, but I'd know someone called Darren.
18:20He proposed to his missus in a Maccas.
18:22I won't be allowed to light things on fire, will I?
18:24Let's do it and let's wait to see what happens if I get yelled at.
18:27Cool, cool.
18:29I want to physically get cool.
18:30I think I have to be the dangerous thing.
18:32So, I'm going to be sharp and hot and, like, have rabies.
18:39I'm off to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
18:43You mean the generic school for magic?
18:45Tom, I'm off to a nameless school of witchcraft and wizardry.
18:50Grab everything. Grab the cameras. Let's go.
18:55So, Anissa, what drew you to Darren?
18:57Just an opportunity to make fun of white guys.
19:02So, like, how would you describe Darren as an emotion?
19:06Oh, yeah, nah.
19:10Bam. Nailed it.
19:13Okay, Tom, I'm ready to see some people embody their new middle names.
19:16Who have we got first?
19:17He chose the word chaos. He's furious. He didn't choose sexy.
19:20It's Brett, Chaos, Blake.
19:22Ah, your time's up now, Tomina.
19:24No one's going to save you.
19:26Oh, my God.
19:30It's Brett, Sexy, Blake.
19:32No!
19:55You're welcome.
20:23See you next time.
20:24You're not going to let me out of the chains?
20:28Okay, so, did you forget which word you chose?
20:33You chose chaos, but then you came out on the bike and it said sexy and you were sexy.
20:38But they were just feelings you were feeling when you saw that.
20:41Yeah.
20:41You're like, that's sexy.
20:42I went with chaos, sexy and danger.
20:44I kind of got lost in it a bit.
20:45I think the character was Captain Chaos and then I was playing someone called maybe Mr. Sexy or cool
20:52or Darren and maybe Darren and then he saves Tom from Captain Chaos.
20:59Not Tom.
21:00Not, who are you?
21:03Tamina.
21:04Oh, that's right.
21:05I gave you a girl's name and I put a wig on you.
21:07Yeah, that's funny.
21:08It looked like a tutorial for when you get inducted into being a lesbian.
21:12That's what I thought I was watching.
21:14Well, ironically, a lot of that stuff came from Bunnings, so it makes sense.
21:17All right, we're up to the middle name of any broadcast TV show.
21:21The ads, back soon.
21:32Hello and welcome back to the first episode of Taskmaster Season 5.
21:37How exciting you're witnessing the series right at its peak.
21:40And from this sentence, we're phoning it in.
21:43Where were we, Tom?
21:44Our comedians are trying to live up to their new middle name.
21:46Up next, it's Anissa Darren-Nandola and Joel Cool Greasy.
21:50Hi there.
21:51Could I please have a hash brown and an apple pie?
21:54No, I'll get a whole meal, love.
21:55Get a whole f***ing meal because today is a real special day.
22:00Do you want to have an ice bath with me?
22:02I loved you, since I laid eyes on you at the perkies.
22:05Beautiful, beautiful spot. This is so cool.
22:08The way you scream,
22:10Man, my heart race.
22:14Cool, see?
22:15Oh my god.
22:19I've even got these very cool glasses to really hammer the point home.
22:25Would you please be my locally wedded wife?
22:28It makes me...
22:29You've kind of already put it on.
22:30Let me bloody finish, love.
22:32Okay.
22:32Do you want me to get in?
22:33I think you should. I think there's enough space.
22:34You didn't tell me to change.
22:37Do you want to be Mrs. Anissa's annual Darren-Nandola?
22:41I do.
22:43How refreshing.
22:46Get the large, get the large.
22:48I'll have fries as well.
22:51Well done.
22:54Enjoy the view.
23:01This is based on a true story, right?
23:02This is based off of a Darren that I know.
23:04Okay, so how's Darren's relationship going now?
23:07He's divorced.
23:09Now, you're from Queensland.
23:10Yes.
23:11You didn't choose to live like Darren Lockyer.
23:13He's a rugby player.
23:16I notice I'm being very careful because I don't want my citizenship revoked.
23:21Rugby player?
23:22Rugby league player.
23:23Oh, okay.
23:24I don't know what that means.
23:28He's a Queensland legend.
23:30Okay.
23:33So, Joel, was this task for you a bit tricky?
23:35Because to start with, you're already quite cool.
23:37Oh, I thought I'd give myself a challenge and try and be cool.
23:41Yeah, but I reckon you are already cool.
23:43You're on commercial radio.
23:44When I hang out with you, you're always very witty, well-dressed.
23:47You know, you're always often drinking a very fancy drink.
23:50I look at it and think, what's Joel drinking?
23:51I wouldn't mind having that because he's cool.
23:54Do you need money or something?
23:55No, I'm just saying.
24:02But the problem is, I think you started the task cool,
24:04but then you ended it not cool.
24:06Why?
24:06You finished in a bathtub with Tom Cashman.
24:09Not cool.
24:11You're telling me, I was in there with him.
24:13And, uh, I could tell it was very cool.
24:16Let's just say my balls are smaller than Grant Deniers.
24:21All right, Cashman, I'm ready for another.
24:23Uppus Nexotus.
24:24It's Rove Wizard McManus.
24:26Oh, God.
24:31Ah, Broomie, it's time to fly.
24:34Up.
24:36Come on, Broomie, we've got to save the day.
24:38Hey, the evil wizard, uh, i-board is coming to stop us.
24:44Let's go.
24:45Ah, ah, my scar's hurting.
24:48Ah, like that.
24:50Ah, that must mean that...
24:53Well, what was his name again?
24:55I-Idy-board or something like this?
24:56Ah, no!
24:57Here he comes!
25:02Well, well, well.
25:05If it isn't Rove Wizard McManus.
25:09Evil Wizard Voldy-board.
25:11No, evil...
25:12Evil Wizard Idy-board.
25:14I knew it was you.
25:15Oh, really?
25:16Well, what if I was to tell you?
25:19It was me that killed your parents, you dumb kid.
25:24No.
25:25Kill-less villainous.
25:29Sparks come out of it.
25:30Cool effects.
25:31Ah, no!
25:33You got me, Rove Wizard McManus.
25:37But I'll be back if there's a sequel.
25:44Flames.
25:45Yeah!
25:46That's what you get for being a dick.
25:49All a simple day in the life.
25:51For me, Rove the Wizard McManus.
25:54Although my parents are still dead.
25:57Rob, Rob.
26:02Very emotional.
26:03They are.
26:04There we go.
26:05Ah, to some of our younger viewers who are just tuning in,
26:08you might be surprised to find out that Rove actually used to be
26:10a really big deal.
26:17What was that about, Rove?
26:19It was magic.
26:21Yeah, well, I was watching it thinking it was about to
26:23magically become entertainment.
26:27There's no trick for that, as we well know, Tom.
26:30Were you, uh, were you griffin-bored?
26:33Yeah, boy!
26:36Shut up, Malfoy.
26:37Ah!
26:39You know!
26:40Love it!
26:40Check out these Dumbledorks.
26:42Ah!
26:43Ah, I don't get it.
26:44Who gives a shit?
26:45I'm a regular Hufflepuff.
26:51Hey, Tom, you can just probably go straight to the points.
26:57Who have we got next, Cashboy?
27:00I think she might actually have rabies and has found a way
27:03to work it into the show.
27:05It's Celia Danger-Picola.
27:19Oh, oh!
27:21Bro!
27:22Skit?
27:23I see you really ran with the rabies idea.
27:24Yeah, a little bit.
27:25Not just that.
27:26This is a pot filled with boiling water with a handle sticking out.
27:29It's incredible dangerous.
27:30And this is an open flame, Tom.
27:32Oh, no.
27:32And scissors.
27:34Oh, and I can't help but notice the, um...
27:35Yes, because I have unprotected sex and I'm a man and I have a cactus penis.
27:39Okay.
27:39But I'm also a bear and I'm also a woman who knows what she wants.
27:43All very dangerous things.
27:45I feel like I've nailed this brief.
27:47I will say good day to you, sir.
27:48Good day.
27:51Yeah.
27:54Yeah.
27:55Yeah.
27:56So can you talk us through all the dangerous things you did?
27:59Because there was a lot there.
28:00My first thought was swords and I had rabies and I had scissors and I had my pin number
28:04and my home address and my mobile phone number.
28:08You had more than that.
28:08What else did I have?
28:09Oh, yeah.
28:10These are things written on your suit.
28:11Yeah.
28:11I'm a man.
28:12Yeah.
28:13I'm a bear.
28:14I have a snake.
28:16I have worms.
28:17I answer unknown numbers.
28:18My password is easy to guess and my shoelaces are undone.
28:22Oh, yeah.
28:23Your shoelaces were not undone.
28:24Oh, were they not?
28:25All right.
28:26Well, I've got to give out some scores here, don't I?
28:27You do.
28:28Okay.
28:28Well, that's pretty easy.
28:29One to Rove.
28:31I'm going to give two points to Joel because he started cool and then he ended not cool.
28:35I'm going to give three points to Celia because it was still very dangerous.
28:37Okay.
28:38I'm going to give four points to Anissa because it was chock full of Darren-ness.
28:42But I'm going to give five points to Brett just because it was awesome and chaotic.
28:48Loved it.
28:51All right.
28:51We'll be back after the break.
28:52Whether you will is entirely up to your attention span.
28:55See you soon.
29:06Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
29:08We've just got time for one last proper task.
29:11So what have you got for me, Lesser Tom?
29:13It's our first location task of the series.
29:15So giddy up.
29:15We're off to the racetrack.
29:31I love these big walks.
29:34Hi Tom.
29:35Is this walk really necessary?
29:37Yes.
29:43Can I help you?
29:45Yeah, there's a toss down there that I'd love for you to read.
29:47Oh, okay.
29:51Kicks the exercise ball to Tom.
29:54Easy.
29:55Only chairs may halt a ball's motion.
29:58If the ball rolls to the bottom you must remove a chair.
30:00This is so hard.
30:02Fewest chairs initially placed wins.
30:05You have 10 minutes to place the chairs, then 15 minutes to get the ball to the top.
30:10Your time starts now.
30:12Well, I've just got to kick the ball to you.
30:14That's right.
30:14What have the chairs got to do with anything?
30:16If the ball comes to a standstill on a chair, then you can go up to that spot and kick
30:20from there.
30:21Get what I mean?
30:21Not really.
30:22And also the ball just off.
30:24You might want to go get the ball.
30:25Don't tell me what to do, Tom.
30:26Are you right-footed?
30:27Right-footed?
30:28Who's right-footed?
30:30I'm right-handed.
30:31What is right-footed?
30:33Oh dear.
30:40Do you really not know what right-footed is?
30:43No.
30:44What's right-footed?
30:45Which foot do you kick with?
30:47Which foot do you kick ball change with?
30:49Oh, I kick ball change with the right foot.
30:51I'm right-footed.
30:51That's all you had to ask.
30:53Alright, who's up first?
30:54The chairman and the chairwoman of the us not being bored.
30:57It's Rove and Celia.
30:59Alright, I'm in a chair.
31:00You can do some chat if you are.
31:02I'm just moving chairs.
31:03What did you have for breakfast?
31:03I had a protein ball, because I'm an athlete.
31:06Well, if I lay a chair flat, it's got more space to take up.
31:10What did you have for breakfast yesterday?
31:11Uh, pizza.
31:12Because that's what legends eat.
31:15I reckon it's going to stop better like that.
31:17What about the breakfast the day before that?
31:20Meth.
31:20It just keeps getting progressively worse, so don't keep going backwards.
31:23I've gone double digits.
31:24I'm not happy with that.
31:25Dare I ask what you had breakfast one day before that?
31:27A human child.
31:29See, I told you not to ask, Tom.
31:31Oh my gosh, what am I doing?
31:33I'm a genius.
31:35Okay.
31:35No more chair placement.
31:37The kicking may begin.
31:38Whoo!
31:40Shut up!
31:42That was pretty far.
31:46Oh, keep bouncing!
31:48Keep bouncing!
31:54You shut up.
31:55No, that's gone.
31:57The ball has crossed the line at the bottom of the ramp.
31:59Please remove one chair.
32:01Okay.
32:01At this point, this is doing F all.
32:03All right.
32:03How good was that bounce, though?
32:05The people at home loved that.
32:07Did you hear the reaction?
32:08No?
32:08Well, okay.
32:10Ah!
32:11Too far!
32:14Come on, little chair.
32:16Yes, little chair!
32:20You shut up!
32:21Stop, stop, stop!
32:24Tom!
32:26Yeah!
32:27Look at that!
32:28Bit of support here.
32:33That was a foolish, foolish call.
32:36Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it.
32:39So I'm allowed to pick it up?
32:40Yes.
32:40Okay, I'm going to pick up the ball now, Tom.
32:44Bounce over!
32:49That was so close.
32:50Again, the crowd, but you wouldn't know because your imagination is limited.
32:54Well, it's going to be...
32:55I don't know if I could just...
32:56Okay, all right, all right.
33:00Come on, chair.
33:01You know what you're doing.
33:12I put out way too many chairs, Tom.
33:14I just didn't believe in myself at how good I was going to be at that.
33:17That's a shame.
33:19Thanks, Tom.
33:21Careful of those chairs.
33:23I mean, we shouldn't just be leaving those there.
33:31Ro, was that trip on purpose or was it an accident?
33:35It was a comedy.
33:36It was a comedy fall.
33:37I was just worried about you because it was so convincing when you fell over.
33:40I was just genuinely concerned for your welfare.
33:43Thank you, Tom.
33:44I appreciate that.
33:45I was going to laugh, but then I didn't because I was worried you were hurt.
33:50All right.
33:50And so I must admit, Roe, I reckon the most impressive things was seeing you miss by such a tiny
33:55amount.
33:56It was quite painful at the other end.
33:58Yes.
33:58And then, I don't know if you saw, I swapped legs. I went left, I went right. Didn't make a
34:02difference.
34:03Are you right-footed, whatever that means?
34:06I think my feet are bisexual, so it's like...
34:10Thought I recognised them.
34:13Okay, so Celia, how do you feel you went?
34:15I loved that.
34:16Yeah.
34:16I loved it so much.
34:17My only mistake was not knowing how good I'd be at it.
34:20That's the fault.
34:21Like you're saying, I should have believed in myself.
34:22Put out too many chairs.
34:23Well, the hardest part of your task was just watching Cashman try to keep up a conversation.
34:28Because I feel like you're giving him a lot of fun offers, and he was...
34:31She's told me to do some chat.
34:32I remember I asked you what you had for breakfast, and you said tinned peaches.
34:35And I said, are you in the war?
34:38I had tinned peaches at the hotel. I didn't have my own tinned.
34:42I didn't ask where the war happened.
34:46Anyway, so yes, that was the conversation. Thank you.
34:48It was difficult working with you.
34:51Right, so let's look at the stats.
34:53Well, ultimately, it's a game of faith in yourself, right?
34:55So the fewer chairs, more faith you have.
34:57Celia had 19 chairs worth of faith.
34:59Yep.
35:00Rove had a whopping 10 chairs of faith in himself.
35:02That's a lot of faith.
35:03All right, who's battling the ramp next?
35:05The next contestants inclined to incline are Anissa and Brett.
35:09This is the logical thing. Yeah, put them in a line.
35:16Why can't I just f***ing form kick it to you in one go?
35:19If you can, you can.
35:20What if I kick it so far, it doesn't come back? Then the task is done.
35:24That's correct.
35:25Oh, that's too easy. Let's win this.
35:28I'm raw doggin' it, dude.
35:30You're locking in zero chairs?
35:31Yeah.
35:34Bro, why is this ramp so rampy?
35:37No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
35:41This is either the best or the worst idea I've ever had.
35:48It's going to be the worst idea I've ever had.
35:50Mother f***ing.
35:51Michael Johnny, rest in peace.
35:54He's not dead.
35:55Rest in peace, Koby.
36:03Dude.
36:05You are now chalice.
36:06Johnny Wilkinson.
36:20Bro, this is a disgustingly steep ramp.
36:31I'm in your stomach.
36:34Go, go, go, go.
36:36Go, go, go.
36:36Yes!
36:37Yes!
36:40Yes!
36:42How much time was I got?
36:44Seven seconds left.
36:45Michelle Obama!
36:47Ah!
36:48Ah!
36:49Ah!
36:51Ah!
36:51Ah!
36:52Ah!
36:53Ah!
36:54Ah!
36:55I'm going to report this ramp to the ramp authorities.
36:58Dude, that was sick.
37:00Sometimes he's going to believe himself.
37:01Well done.
37:02How are you?
37:09So, Anissa, you were yelling out various names.
37:12What was the thinking behind that?
37:13Rest in peace, Michael Jordan.
37:17Is he still here?
37:18He's alive and well.
37:18Okay.
37:20You'll never believe it.
37:21He plays rugby league for Queensland.
37:25Anissa, you were yelling famous black people as you kicked.
37:28Usain Bolt, Serena Williams, Kamal Harris and Nick Kyrgios.
37:33I claim him.
37:34I claim Nick Kyrgios.
37:36He's close enough.
37:37All right, Pete.
37:39All right.
37:40Now, Brett, amazing tactic.
37:42No chairs.
37:43No chairs.
37:44Just back yourself.
37:46That's right.
37:46I've never even seen this TV show and I'm f***ing dominating.
37:52Who would have thought the guy with the truck license would beat the three theatre dorks?
37:59Who would have thought the straight white guy would have so much confidence?
38:03And the fact that you're winning makes it even worse.
38:05Yeah, it's really, it really stinks.
38:07Sucked in.
38:09So, should we look at the scores there?
38:11Well, Anissa had 34 kicks.
38:14Brett only used seven kicks and is leading with zero chairs placed.
38:22Okay, we've just got one comedian to go in the Swiss ball kicking gauntlet.
38:26But first, it's time for a break.
38:28Come back soon to find out who's won Grant Denyer's balls and a stale potato chip.
38:43Welcome back to the only show on television brave enough to ask the question,
38:47would sports be more entertaining if they were done by people with no sporting ability?
38:53Where were we, Lester Tom?
38:54Our contestants are kicking a ball up a ramp with nothing to help them but chairs.
38:57Fewest chairs placed wins.
38:59Up last, it's a man so deeply in love with his feet he couldn't possibly choose between them.
39:02It's Joel Creasy.
39:05Suck it's setting up for an event.
39:09Start here.
39:10Careful of that, you wouldn't want the ball to get away.
39:21I reckon I can kick it from there but I've got them as backups.
39:31What are you doing?
39:34Looking for the ball.
39:39Oh, Dine, is this some onion?
39:43What?
39:44Where did it go?
39:46Where did the ball go?
39:47I don't know.
39:48I saw it go down there.
39:49That's all I saw.
39:50You've done something.
39:52I didn't do anything.
39:53You did.
39:54It was right here.
39:55Your kicking time has begun.
39:56This is so dumb Tom.
39:57Where's the ball?
39:58I don't know.
39:59Tom.
39:59I told you to make sure it didn't blow away.
40:02Where is it?
40:05It can't have gone that far.
40:08I've misread something like there's a little trick.
40:10I don't think wind is a trick.
40:12It's just a reality of life.
40:13It's not here.
40:14Then why are you here?
40:15If it's down here, I'll be so furious.
40:23I'm not here.
40:31Tom, this is so lame.
40:33There's not even any other balls here.
40:34Can I kick you in the balls?
40:35No, thank you.
40:36This is so stupid.
40:38Someone's taken the ball.
40:39I'm sorry.
40:47How long do I have?
40:49You've got 48 seconds left of kicking time.
40:51I'm being gasoline.
40:52I'm being completely gasoline.
40:54I'm not going to pretend that there's not cameras here.
40:55Everyone is silent.
40:56Someone's taken the ball.
40:57They have.
40:58I've forgotten what colour it was.
41:0125 seconds left.
41:02Where's the ball?
41:03It's not here.
41:05Is it like right here and I'm actually having a brain bleed and need to be in hospital?
41:0810 seconds left.
41:09This is ridiculous.
41:10It's not here.
41:13Thanks, Joel.
41:14That was the worst.
41:18And I had such a good system.
41:28Now we know that you're not right footed or left footed you neither.
41:33I have lost months of sleep wondering where that ball went.
41:38Lesser Tom even said, it went that way.
41:40And you went, no, it didn't.
41:41You went the other way.
41:42I searched that entire race thing.
41:46That place.
41:47That awful place.
41:49Didn't even get a chance to kick with my right foot or whatever footed I am.
41:52You kept accusing me of taking it, but you could see me the whole time.
41:56Someone blew it away just to wind me up and you got me.
42:02I looked up the wind speed on each day.
42:04I had the windiest day.
42:05No, you didn't.
42:05Brett did.
42:08Mine went around the corner, but I just looked and it was there.
42:12Mine was having a schooner up the bar.
42:13I couldn't find it anywhere.
42:15Joel, would you like to know how many kicks you attempted?
42:16No.
42:18I can at least work that out myself.
42:21All right, well, let's go through the scores then.
42:23Joel's obviously disqualified.
42:25Correct.
42:25As is Anissa.
42:26That means three points to Celia, four points to Rove, and Brett wins the task with five points.
42:33All right, and what are the scores for the episode so far?
42:35Rove is in last place with six points, but Brett's out in front with 18 points.
42:41All right, you lot, please head up to the stage for the first studio task of the season.
42:50Who's going to read out the task tonight?
42:52Celia.
42:56Pose for a photo at the median height with the median amount of naughtiness.
43:01Your photos will be compared and the contestant at the median height in their photo will win the height category.
43:09Tallest and shortest contestants will come second and the other two contestants will come third.
43:14Same scoring applies to naughtiness.
43:17Brett, are you okay?
43:18Did he just faint?
43:20No, I punched a wall out and I've left.
43:23Best overall performance in the two categories wins.
43:25Your photos will be taken in exactly 75 seconds.
43:28So the middle of each category will win.
43:31The tallest and shortest come second and then the other two come third.
43:35Okay, your 75 seconds starts now.
43:43Why would we say...
43:5930 seconds.
44:21Okay it's time for one last break, hey during the break why don't you swap over each other's
44:26phones and have a look at the photos see who's got the naughtiest photos you'll enjoy it see you soon.
44:41Hello welcome back to the season premiere of Taskmaster we're in the final stretch
44:45of our live tasks and just need some rankings. Sir Tom? That's right our contestants tried
44:50to take photos of median height and median naughtiness let's analyze the height first.
44:59Hey Rose? Yeah. Did I win this then? Yeah that's right Celia with the median height so you win the
45:08height category.
45:11Anissa and Brett the tallest and shortest respectively so they come in second in the height
45:14category and Joel and Rove with the other ones. All right so we have to rank some naughtiness there.
45:18Yes it's time to analyze naughtiness. Okay well I'm tempted to say that Anissa and Brett are the same
45:23because they kind of dress the same but they're doing something very different. What's naughty
45:26about what you're doing there Anissa? Do you want me to? And I must say I was so worried but
45:36then I saw
45:36Rove and I'm like I'm good. What about Brett? Well I was using the stick thing as an erect penis
45:44but then
45:45I remembered that it was medium so then I folded the fake penis in half so it's a medium dick.
45:51Okay.
45:52And then I got bored in the task and forgot they were taking a photo. Just looking at Celia were
45:57you
45:57actually naked? It looks like I'm having an emergency in the shower. Right but is that naughty or natural?
46:06Depends in a supermarket. Rove committed to his look very early on in the task I felt.
46:15We had the pleasure of seeing you did a few minor variations. It was first I workshopped through it.
46:20It was a process wasn't it? I went full Brett Blake and just felt it. Okay and then we've got
46:24Joel.
46:25Uh Joel. You just look like you're on the toilet and you're dropping your newspaper. Yeah.
46:31I was being very naughty and wasn't in time for the camera was I? Oh naughty naughty.
46:39Joel is last because didn't look too offensive to me.
46:43I find nudity to be natural not that naughty so second last is Celia. I'm gonna say Brett was quite
46:49naughty. Anissa was a little bit naughtier. The naughtiest was watching uh Rogue Manus.
46:54Do a rude thing or throw a zipper. Yeah. Okay so putting together medium height and medium naughtiness
47:00what do we have? We've got three contestants in third place tied. Anissa, Joel and Rove. Celia
47:04is in second place with four points but Brett wins the task with five points.
47:11So who has won the first episode?
47:19Where this seems to be leading is whether you just put a pirate hat on and sit on a box
47:25or jump over a fire.
47:29Rove you're in last place.
47:35Rove's right. Brett's way out in front with 23 points and is the winner of the first second road.
47:41Congratulations to Brett. Head up to the stage to collect your prize task things.
47:49Well there we go. What have we learned? Three of them learned eggs might cost a bit but touching
47:54them will cost you dearly. Brett took a lesson from the great El Farber and defied gravity.
48:01Oh nice, nice. And while Joel forgot what his blue ball looked like
48:08we'll never unlearn the sight of Grant Deniers.
48:12Give it up once more for our episode winner, Brett. Good night.
48:32Now the real fun begins.
48:35Five of the brightest, most physically gifted comedians in Australia.
48:40All of whom have perfect hand-eye coordination
48:44will compete to win a prize.
48:47Huzzah!
48:47By impressing me.
48:49Are you the taskmaster?
48:54You're not the taskmaster.
48:58Just to confirm, I am the taskmaster.
Comments