- 6 hours ago
Urzila S01E01-3 (2026) [Full Movie] [High Quality]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:10I'm not a Christian.
00:12I'm not an ordained priest or anything.
00:14I was just being polite.
00:15I'm the one who's snot all over me
00:16because you don't know how to cover your head hole.
00:19Not a Christian.
00:21No, you're a Christian.
00:25Well, please let you know I'm not a Christian either.
00:32Oh, hello.
00:35How are you?
00:39You're a good-looking crowd.
00:42Welcome to Ursula.
00:44This may come as no big surprise,
00:46but I get a bit worked out
00:48when people say unnecessary shit to me.
00:50I don't know if you're the same.
00:51Like, anything can tip me over the edge.
00:54You know when you go to play with your card
00:55and when you go to tap,
00:57there's always some 12-year-old with milk around the mouth
00:59that goes,
00:59um, it's not there.
01:00You've got to tap on the side.
01:01You go,
01:01shut the fuck up!
01:03I would have figured it out.
01:04The machine is this big.
01:06I would tap you on the forehead a couple of times.
01:09How about that?
01:10How about that?
01:10You like that?
01:12But then I also,
01:13I'm the first one to put my hand up
01:15and say,
01:15yeah,
01:15I do suffer from early onset Karen.
01:18Do you ever watch those videos
01:20and go,
01:20I don't see a problem here.
01:22We have to go check the comments
01:24to see what this poor bitch did wrong.
01:26Honestly,
01:27I am with those women.
01:28I am with those women 100%
01:30until they get to the homophobia
01:31and the racism.
01:32I'm like,
01:32okay,
01:33I'm out.
01:33You're on your own,
01:34you weirdo.
01:35Cool haircut though.
01:41You've got your father's ears.
01:42Okay,
01:42you've got your test results.
01:44Please sit down.
01:45No,
01:45I'm good.
01:46I prefer standing.
01:47These are pretty serious results.
01:49Come on,
01:49honey,
01:50sit down.
01:50No,
01:51and you cannot force me.
01:52It's against my will
01:53and goes against the Geneva Convention.
01:55I know my rights.
01:56Okay,
01:56suit yourself.
01:58Firstly,
01:58how are the symptoms?
02:00Excuse me,
02:00none of your business.
02:01It's a privacy issue.
02:03As you can see,
02:04she's gotten worse.
02:06Lots of anger,
02:07public outbursts.
02:08We've been arguing
02:09with a lot of waiters lately.
02:10I know,
02:11I've seen the videos online.
02:12It's just menopause.
02:13Move on.
02:14I'm afraid it's much more serious
02:15than menopause.
02:16I'm sorry to tell you this,
02:17but you've contracted
02:18early onset,
02:19Karen.
02:20No.
02:21Oh no.
02:22How is this possible?
02:23I'm afraid the results
02:24are conclusive.
02:25Well,
02:25I'll tell you what,
02:26I want to talk to your supervisor.
02:28How long do we have?
02:29Not long,
02:29I'm afraid.
02:30As you can see,
02:31the virus has already spread
02:32throughout Ursula's internal organs.
02:34That's a mess.
02:35Well,
02:36this is all
02:36fine and dandy,
02:37but I don't recognise you
02:38as an authority
02:39to diagnose me.
02:43Look,
02:44we did your ancestry
02:46and it turns out
02:46you come from
02:47a very long line
02:48of Karens.
02:49Look.
02:50What is this?
02:52Why are these women
02:53all so beautiful
02:54but all so crazy?
02:56No!
02:58Is this me?
02:59Is this my future?
03:00What happened to them?
03:02What will happen to me?
03:05They're so beautiful,
03:07robust,
03:07but beautiful.
03:09Oh no,
03:09no!
03:10Oh no!
03:11This is possible!
03:12I don't understand
03:13what's happening!
03:14Oh no,
03:14no!
03:15Help me,
03:16I don't know!
03:19Oh!
03:24Should I be wearing
03:25a mask or something?
03:26You should be fine.
03:27We haven't seen
03:28the disease mutate,
03:29which is lucky
03:29because currently
03:30there's no cure.
03:31You have to do something!
03:32Yeah.
03:33Give me something
03:33right now!
03:34Okay,
03:35take this number.
03:36Is this for a specialist?
03:37No.
03:38That's for the local council.
03:39They'll be calling them
03:40a lot to complain
03:41about the garbage man.
03:42Even better.
03:43Thanks.
03:46You know,
03:47who knows,
03:47maybe I can fight this,
03:49you know,
03:49I don't feel so bad,
03:51you know.
03:51Don't worry,
03:51we'll get you through this.
03:53Oh nice,
03:54Ollie.
03:55Thanks, lady.
03:56Aw,
03:57that's sweet.
03:58Well done,
03:59you.
04:03Oi!
04:04Can't you read?
04:05It says no skateboarding.
04:07There are children
04:08who play in this area.
04:09Somebody could get hurt.
04:10I'm going to punch her.
04:12You're so rich!
04:14Sorry.
04:15She's,
04:16she's on a period.
04:17I'm not.
04:18Oh,
04:18I should have punched him
04:19in the head.
04:20It's not too late.
04:37Ten grand.
04:39I need a mainstream TV idea
04:44that families can watch together
04:46and that advertisers will love,
04:48but more importantly,
04:49we'll keep the cashola
04:50in my pocket
04:51and you,
04:52pack a horse,
04:53off the stripper pole.
04:54So hit me with your ideas.
04:55What have you got?
04:56Um,
04:57I've got one.
04:59The Skin I Was Born In,
05:01a heartfelt
05:02and honest documentary
05:04about body image
05:05and beauty standards
05:06in today's society.
05:08We follow these
05:09brave souls
05:10on their journey
05:10towards acceptance.
05:12Wow,
05:13a show about fat people.
05:14I love it.
05:15Well,
05:16it's more a show
05:18about body image.
05:19Fat Fuck Island.
05:20Yes.
05:21I love it, boss.
05:22Talk us through the idea.
05:24Okay,
05:24so fat people
05:25on an island
05:26and potentially they fuck.
05:28Oh,
05:28that's genius.
05:30They would.
05:30They would do that.
05:31They would.
05:32They'll try.
05:32There's a lot of gut.
05:34Could be part of their contract.
05:35Yeah.
05:35Must fuck.
05:36Yeah, I mean,
05:36I...
05:38they're taking me out
05:38in the country.
05:40Fat farmer
05:40wants a fat wife.
05:42Oh,
05:43that's great.
05:43I think that's
05:45straying quite far
05:46from my...
05:46Wait, wait, wait.
05:46I've got more.
05:47She's cooking now.
05:48Married at Fat Sight.
05:49You don't know
05:50who's coming.
05:51You can hear her.
05:53Fat Ninja Warrior.
05:55Oh, my God.
05:56Try and hold on
05:57to a rope.
05:57Am I right?
05:58The Fat Singer.
05:59Who is it?
06:00They all sing opera.
06:02Okay,
06:02RuPaul's Fat Race.
06:03The Great British Fat Off.
06:05How many people
06:06rolling around?
06:06Fat guy for a queer guy.
06:07Dumpy,
06:08kind of dumpy.
06:09Yes.
06:10See,
06:11I think we've gone
06:12a little bit...
06:12I've got it.
06:14Fatty,
06:14fatty fight club.
06:16Okay,
06:16hear me out.
06:17We put a whole bunch
06:18of fatties together.
06:19All the weight
06:20that they lose
06:20go into a tank,
06:21okay?
06:22And then once a week
06:22we get two of these
06:23jumbos to fight each other
06:24and then the winner
06:26gets to eat cake,
06:27of course,
06:27and the loser
06:28goes into the fat tank.
06:30Fat Tank Friday.
06:31Yes!
06:32Yes!
06:33I love it.
06:34I love it.
06:34Hi, Trish.
06:35Honestly,
06:36Trish,
06:36this was remarkable.
06:37Well done.
06:38Well done.
06:39This isn't my idea.
06:40That's your idea.
06:41This is your idea.
06:41I just punched it up.
06:42Yeah.
06:42A little bit.
06:43It's hard.
06:43I was talking about
06:44a wholesome documentary
06:45to do with body image.
06:47Yeah,
06:47and this has all of that.
06:48Plus it has fighting
06:50and a fat tank.
06:51That's right.
06:51You should be proud of yourself.
06:52Take this moment,
06:53okay?
06:54Do you have any other
06:55amazing ideas,
06:56Trish?
06:57What about at the end?
06:59If there's a ball pit
07:01filled with pudding
07:02and they have to
07:04eat their way out
07:08because they're fat?
07:10I'm so sorry
07:11that you had to hear that.
07:12Shouldn't have said that,
07:13Trish.
07:14It's too much.
07:14It's too much, Trish.
07:16I mean,
07:16she said way worse than...
07:19Because I can.
07:20Because you're fat?
07:22Trish,
07:22what the...
07:23Because it is
07:24my lived experience.
07:25I have that bra extension.
07:27You don't see me
07:28pitching ideas
07:28on your tour,
07:29do you?
07:30I'm not out here
07:30going,
07:31hey guys,
07:31how about we make
07:32a TV show
07:33about an ugly,
07:34skinny, hairy bitch?
07:39Yeah, Trish.
07:39There might be
07:40something in that, boss.
07:41I think that idea
07:41has legs.
07:42Yes!
07:43Ugly, skinny, hairy legs!
07:44Write it down.
07:45Yes, yes, yes.
07:46Yes, Trish's legs.
07:48Hairy.
07:48And barren.
07:49Bitch.
07:50Barren.
07:54I guess don't mess
07:55with me in a meeting,
07:56is all I'm saying.
07:58Can we just step
07:59to a more serious side?
08:00I do want to talk
08:01to you about your health,
08:04specifically mammograms,
08:05all right?
08:05Now, ladies,
08:07we got them titties.
08:09And you know,
08:10you have to make...
08:12Like, I'm not judging them.
08:13That's not why we're here.
08:14I'm not going to get you
08:15to flop them out
08:15unless you're completely
08:16comfortable with that.
08:18No?
08:18Okay, just checking.
08:19It's worth checking.
08:20It's worth checking.
08:21Just run that past you,
08:22all right?
08:22No, men,
08:24I don't know if you know this,
08:25but men can get
08:25breast cancer too.
08:26This isn't a joke.
08:27Like, it's true.
08:28Men can get breast cancer.
08:29A lot of men
08:29don't know that.
08:30So, boys,
08:30tomorrow morning
08:31when you're in the shower,
08:32just for a split second
08:33we take your hand
08:33off your dick
08:34and just feel...
08:36Just feel
08:37that everything's
08:37all right there, okay?
08:40And you know what?
08:41While you're going
08:41to the doctor
08:42for a mammogram,
08:43why don't you get yourself
08:44a little smear?
08:44And I know
08:45that is not high
08:46on the popularity scale
08:47of things to do
08:48at the doctor's.
08:49You know,
08:49you go in
08:50and they always go,
08:51take your clothes off
08:51and put the robe on
08:52and I'll just wait
08:52outside for you.
08:53I'm like,
08:54no, stay.
08:56Why would you go out?
08:58Just stay here.
08:59Plus,
09:00I don't take my clothes
09:01off anymore.
09:01I go,
09:01no, you're all right.
09:02I'll spill my knickers
09:03to the side for you.
09:05I go,
09:06chuck it in.
09:07Trust me,
09:07it'll fit.
09:09If your doctor's
09:10not comfortable
09:10with that,
09:11then respect them.
09:12Say, hey,
09:12don't worry about it.
09:13I'll lower myself
09:14down on it.
09:20All righty,
09:21let's take a good look
09:21down there
09:22and see what's going on.
09:23You feeling okay?
09:24No, I feel like
09:24you're about to
09:25shuck my oyster.
09:26Right, well,
09:26you might feel
09:26some pressure.
09:27You just scream out
09:28if it feels too
09:28uncomfortable at any point.
09:29Okay.
09:29Okay.
09:30Well, in we go.
09:33Oh.
09:35What?
09:36What's wrong?
09:38What's interesting?
09:39What's interesting?
09:42Huh.
09:43You have,
09:44in my personal
09:45and professional experience,
09:47the smallest vagina
09:48I've ever seen.
09:49Is it?
09:50Tiny.
09:51Oh my gosh!
09:52And quite frankly,
09:53petite.
09:53That's amazing.
09:54I don't think
09:55I was going to hear that today.
09:56Can I get a second opinion
09:56on this?
09:57I'd love it.
09:58This is going to make
09:58Mark's day.
09:59Hey, Mark!
10:00This one of the books
10:01is the best I ever.
10:03Oh, whoa.
10:04The whole gang's here.
10:05I should have sold tickets
10:06to this show.
10:08It's extraordinary.
10:09I know.
10:09I've never seen anything like it.
10:11It's quite remarkable.
10:12Oh, thank you.
10:13What do you think?
10:14That is officially
10:15the smallest pussy on record.
10:17Oh, my God.
10:18Well done.
10:20Mine's huge.
10:21Yeah, no, it is.
10:21Massive.
10:22I can hear it.
10:22It sounds like the ocean.
10:24Excuse me.
10:25I've got London on the line.
10:26Hi, London.
10:28Good Lord.
10:29Thank you, London.
10:30Tell Big Ben it to know.
10:35Oh, Fisherman,
10:36what do you think?
10:36It's so small.
10:38I kiss it,
10:39throw it back.
10:40Has anyone actually measured it?
10:41It's a flawless melee.
10:43D-colour,
10:44I have clarity,
10:44but with a brilliance
10:45and sparkle beyond its weight.
10:47Wow.
10:47What do you think,
10:48designer of toys
10:49with many small moving parts?
10:51It's basically
10:51a choking hazard.
10:53You better keep
10:54Pinocchio out of there.
10:55That boy tells one lie.
10:58This is honestly
10:59the best day
10:59of my entire life.
11:01Right.
11:01Well, now let's check
11:02the anus.
11:03Oh,
11:04I don't need to do that.
11:05Oh, my God.
11:07Oh, my God.
11:08Guys,
11:08it only looks big
11:09because it's made
11:10the Jonah so small.
11:16I like your hair like this.
11:17Thank you, Bubby.
11:18It's gorgeous work.
11:20Okay, lovebirds,
11:21welcome to your
11:22wedding cake tasting.
11:24Bon appetit.
11:25I've been waiting
11:26for this day
11:27for longer
11:28than the actual wedding date.
11:29Gosh,
11:30you know cake
11:30is my everything.
11:31Should we?
11:32Yes.
11:32Let's do it.
11:36That is to die for.
11:37The best.
11:38Oh, good.
11:38Thank you, ladies.
11:39It has been a privilege
11:41to bake
11:41for such a beautiful couple.
11:45Oh, my God.
11:46But now for my favourite part,
11:48the wedding cake toppers.
11:50Oh, that's good.
11:51I didn't sleep last night.
11:53Okay, first up,
11:54we have the lovely Lisa.
11:59Oh, my God.
12:01Oh, my God.
12:02I love it.
12:03And also,
12:04do you recognise
12:05that's your mum's wedding dress?
12:06Baby, did you do that for me?
12:08I did do that.
12:08Making this
12:09was like carving
12:10the Venus de Milo.
12:12Oh, thank you.
12:14Oh, my God.
12:14Now, your bride.
12:16I'm so nervous now.
12:17Don't be nervous.
12:18Yes, I am.
12:19We have Ursula.
12:21What is this?
12:22Why is it so heavy?
12:24It's this thing made from lead.
12:25This is hideous.
12:28This thing is a hunchback
12:29of Notre Dame.
12:30It should be living
12:30under a bridge
12:31and not be on top of a couch.
12:33Look,
12:33I think she looks beautiful.
12:35There's nothing in this
12:36that looks like me.
12:37Well,
12:37this thing's got lopsided tits.
12:39That's not me.
12:40Hey,
12:40I love your lopsided tits.
12:42Look at the butt
12:42on this thing.
12:43Kim Kardashian on this side,
12:45Paris Hilton on this side.
12:46It looks like a bulldog
12:47and a chihuahua
12:48trapped in a bag.
12:49And why is this nose this size?
12:51It's like half the face's nose.
12:52And what is this white stuff
12:54in the front here?
12:55Did a seagull shit on it
12:56before he brought it out?
12:57This is hideous.
12:58Okay, all right.
12:59Now, listen,
12:59I've never once had a complaint.
13:01Well,
13:01allow me to be the first.
13:03Now,
13:03I have made a backup.
13:04Would you like to see it?
13:05Yeah.
13:05Thanks.
13:05Okay.
13:06Fantastic.
13:07I think you're going to like this one
13:07a little bit more.
13:08Aw.
13:09What do you think of that?
13:13We think that's you.
13:16I wouldn't have thought so.
13:17It's got the hat.
13:18It's got the apron.
13:18It's even holding
13:19another little cake topper
13:21in its cake topper hand.
13:22Would you look at that?
13:24So is.
13:26Let's just see
13:27what it looks like.
13:29There.
13:32I think we can work with this.
13:34Are you trying to muscle in
13:35on my marriage?
13:37Oh,
13:37I see what's happening.
13:38You want to steal my bride?
13:39Take it.
13:40Have it.
13:41Live your lives
13:42and I will steal your cake.
13:43You can't steal something
13:44you've already bought.
13:49Oh,
13:50babe.
13:55I can see it now.
13:58Enjoy each other.
13:59We'll leave.
14:05Did you guys watch
14:07the food cruise?
14:08Listen.
14:12My heart,
14:12when people say,
14:13you should do a comedy cruise,
14:14I would rather run full speed
14:16into a fucking wood chipper.
14:20Why would you risk
14:21going on a cruise
14:22when the possibility exists
14:23that a crew member
14:24will hand you a bag
14:25and go,
14:26henceforth,
14:26you'll be shitting in that?
14:29No thanks.
14:30I watched that
14:31poo cruise thing
14:32and even if you haven't
14:32watched it,
14:33you can figure it out.
14:34Poo cruise.
14:36It's like,
14:36you didn't have to watch
14:37two girls,
14:38one cup.
14:38You just know it's gross.
14:42The thing that disappointed me
14:44the most about
14:44that poo cruise documentary
14:46is the fact that
14:47no one butch lesbian
14:49took control of that ship
14:50and went,
14:50oi,
14:51no one's shitting in a bag.
14:53Okay,
14:53we're all going to be
14:54shitting over starboard.
14:57If you need to go for a ship,
14:59just hang your ass
14:59over the side of the ship.
15:01It's a little trust exercise
15:02with your partner.
15:03They will hold your hands
15:04as you're shitting
15:05over the side of the ship.
15:06And just watch your mouth.
15:07Don't be saying stuff like,
15:08you're just like your mother.
15:12One of my biggest passions
15:14in life is
15:15crime documentaries.
15:17Who loves a good crime documentary?
15:18Yes,
15:19how good.
15:19Do you hear how
15:20that's a lot of women?
15:21I think,
15:22even with me,
15:23I am slowly planning
15:24the perfect murder.
15:26I reckon I'm about
15:27this far away
15:28from nailing it.
15:29I just need to figure out
15:30a way to get my mother-in-law
15:31to my house
15:32without a paper trail
15:34to me.
15:35I'm kidding,
15:36she's dead.
15:38Just to me,
15:39she's still alive.
15:40To other people,
15:40she's dead to me.
15:48I got a job.
15:49Classic smash and grab.
15:51Ben Geist.
15:52And to pull it off,
15:53we need an elite team.
15:54It's why I brought
15:55all you here.
15:57Leo,
15:58best safe cracker
15:59in the game.
16:00I get in,
16:01I get out.
16:03Like a ninja.
16:04Like a ninja.
16:05Barker,
16:06weapons specialist.
16:08Anyone gets in my way?
16:11I get Ness,
16:12Niels,
16:14getaway driver,
16:16McCain brothers,
16:18muscle.
16:19And lastly,
16:21the brains of the operation.
16:24This is Ursula.
16:26Hello boys.
16:27How's it going?
16:28Who the hell is this?
16:29I've never heard of no Ursula.
16:31Oh,
16:31I'm the mastermind of the operation.
16:33Popcorn anyone?
16:34What makes you think
16:35you're the mastermind?
16:36Simple.
16:36I've watched
16:37every single
16:38true crime documentary
16:39ever made.
16:40So I know how to get away
16:41with every crime.
16:42Bullshit,
16:43you can't have seen them all.
16:44I mean,
16:44there's far too many.
16:45Mate,
16:46I'm a stay-at-home mum.
16:47I watch it while I'm doing my chores.
16:49Tell them what you know Urs.
16:50I know how to rob banks
16:51and boost diamonds
16:52and swindle women on Tinder.
16:55I know how to lead cults
16:56and run pyramid schemes
16:57and kill people on staircases,
16:59you name it.
16:59I had a consult
17:00on the London job.
17:02Didn't those guys get caught?
17:03Yeah,
17:03but they wouldn't have
17:04if they'd used their left hands
17:05to write the ransom note.
17:06Got that one from the jinx.
17:08It's my favourite.
17:09Ursula knows everything
17:10that's going to happen
17:11before it even happens.
17:13That's right.
17:14Now prove it.
17:15Easy.
17:15Usually on a hoist like this,
17:17the day before,
17:18one of the members
17:18just up and leave
17:19without explanation.
17:20You know what?
17:20The hell with this.
17:21I'm out of here.
17:23Told ya.
17:24And then someone in the team
17:25will just turn up dead.
17:29And the murderer
17:30is usually someone
17:30you would least expect,
17:31like a male family member.
17:33It was him.
17:37God, she's good.
17:38Good?
17:39We just lost three of our men.
17:41Who's going to be our muscle?
17:42Who's going to drive us?
17:43Bigger worry.
17:44Who's the rat?
17:45Rats.
17:46Good rats.
17:47Well, on a tight group like this,
17:48one of you is normally a narc
17:50and in this group,
17:50I'm going to say...
17:57It's you.
17:58What?
17:58Marka!
17:59The saying isn't so!
18:00I don't know what she's talking about.
18:01Look at her.
18:03Hey!
18:04He's a cop!
18:05What?
18:05Really?
18:06I don't know what it looks like.
18:18Cut is blown.
18:20Send backup.
18:21Really, Parker?
18:22How could you?
18:23I'm sorry.
18:27I knew that was going to happen.
18:29Right, so I've killed a cop.
18:30Any of you boys?
18:31Well, try not to leave any DNA at the scene.
18:33Whatever you do,
18:34do not go on a true crime docker
18:36and accidentally confess.
18:37So embarrassing.
18:38Thanks, Urs.
18:38You're the best.
18:39Got you, babe.
18:41What are you doing, Leo?
18:42Parker was my friend
18:44and my lover.
18:45Oh, yeah, I forgot to say.
18:46Usually I'm one of these things.
18:48Someone always falls in love.
18:49What?
18:50And you say something.
18:51Are you kidding?
18:52This is the best part.
18:54Did you come down, Leo?
18:55You put the gun down, big dang.
19:02Oh, my gosh.
19:06Best crime and wine night ever.
19:08It's pretty exciting.
19:10God, I could kill for a finger bang.
19:11I tell you what,
19:12one of these boys is still alive.
19:13It'll be a whole different night.
19:18All right, well, I guess
19:20what we can take away from this
19:21is make sure you get your checkups.
19:23Go to the doctor.
19:24Go talk to your doctor,
19:25but also make sure it's not a creepy doctor
19:27that'll bring 40 people in
19:28to look at your clacker.
19:30But I must go now
19:31because I have to hop on a cruise
19:32so I can go join Fat Fuck Island.
19:35You guys have been absolutely amazing.
19:37Good night.
19:41One second.
19:42Get in the car.
19:43Yes, get in the car.
19:44It's freaking fun.
19:46Just one second.
19:47Yeah, mate.
19:48Here we go.
19:49This is progress.
19:50This is the slowest
19:51I've ever seen anyone.
19:54Is he going to thank me for that?
19:55Where's my wife?
19:57And there it is.
19:58He's waving.
19:58No, that was a hand on a mirror.
20:02What kind of animal raised you
20:04that you don't give a wave?
20:05Do you know the danger
20:06you've put us in
20:06now that I have to
20:07aggressively overtake you
20:08just to flip you off?
20:09Wave!
20:10I'm going to get out of this car,
20:11rip your head off
20:12and shit down your lungs.
20:13Stick your hand in the air!
20:15Oops!
20:16No, no, you're all right,
20:18no, you're all right.
20:19Oh, he's lovely.
20:26Holy hell, look at you!
20:28Oh, it's very lesbian central in here.
20:32Look at all the lesbians in this room!
20:34Holy shit!
20:35I mean, I know there's other people too,
20:37but you know.
20:38No, no, no.
20:39Welcome to the straight people.
20:40I'm an ally.
20:41Make some noise if you're heterosexual.
20:44Yeah!
20:44Oh, put your hand down.
20:46I'm an ally.
20:47Oh, Manila, I am with you guys.
20:49Both my parents are straight,
20:50so I feel you're in my heart, okay?
20:54Listen, it's tough for us too, okay?
20:56We have to do our own research
20:57and I want you to know
20:58when I came out of the closet,
20:59I was 26 years old.
21:01This was back when Jesus was a boy.
21:03And back then, there were two.
21:06There were the gays who were the guys
21:08and then there were the lesbians
21:10who were us.
21:12And we had no work for each other.
21:14We never talked.
21:15We kept to ourselves
21:16and then one day,
21:17the gays came up to us
21:18and they went,
21:19hey, lesbians.
21:20And we went, what?
21:24And we took off our tool bells.
21:28And then the gays said to the lesbians,
21:29hey, lesbians, look at that.
21:32And we're like, what is that?
21:33And the gays went,
21:34those are bi's.
21:36And we went, bi what?
21:37Bi now, gay later.
21:40And you know what we did?
21:41Because we didn't understand
21:42what they were.
21:43We didn't understand
21:44what bisexuality was.
21:45So we went over to them
21:46and we go,
21:47so who do you guys do?
21:50And they explained it to us
21:52and we're like,
21:52all right, come on,
21:54let's start an alphabet.
21:56This is a very soft trigger for people.
21:58People are like,
21:59you know,
21:59I don't understand the alphabet,
22:01you know,
22:01the alphabet mafia.
22:03The alphabet mafia.
22:04You guys are taking
22:05the whole alphabet.
22:06I go, yeah, bitch,
22:06we're coming for the numbers next.
22:08Actually, I just found out
22:09there's a number in there now.
22:11There's two.
22:11There's a number two in there.
22:13I'm as surprised as you are
22:14whenever I see her.
22:15I go, holy shit,
22:17holy, what?
22:19Why are all those letters there?
22:21Like,
22:22I'm out of breath
22:23at the end of it
22:24and I have to think about it.
22:25I'm LGBTQIA plus two.
22:34Does your husband
22:35never get around
22:36to fixing that crooked shelf?
22:38Is your house falling apart?
22:40Because he never fixes
22:41what he says he'll fix.
22:42Yes.
22:44You need to hire a Les.
22:47That's me as an animation.
22:49Hi, I'm Lesley Beyond,
22:51CEO of Hire a Les,
22:52the largest and fastest growing
22:54all-female home maintenance company
22:55in the world.
22:56We're also the only one.
22:58Let's face it,
22:58your husband is terrible at DIY
23:00and he will get lost
23:01in your Bermuda Triangle.
23:03But not our highly trained
23:05Lesbitarians.
23:06They're great at both of those things.
23:09Our services include,
23:10but I'm not limited to
23:11hinge repair,
23:12men's repair,
23:12painting,
23:13installing smoke detectors,
23:14fingering,
23:14repairing,
23:14drywall,
23:15fixing,
23:15baking,
23:16plumbing,
23:16hammering,
23:17and slowdown swaying
23:17to constant craving
23:18by Katie Lang.
23:19But don't just take my word for it.
23:21Listen to all these
23:22satisfied customers.
23:24She was thorough.
23:25Very thorough.
23:26Oh my God.
23:27Oh my God.
23:28So thorough.
23:32Hire a lesbian ruined my life.
23:35House looks great though.
23:38Hire a Liz today.
23:40Satisfaction guarantee.
23:42Ernie.
23:44Can I come back in?
23:45Are you guys watching the cricket?
23:48What's the score?
23:49She was a regular woman.
23:51Delta life altering diagnosis.
23:53You've contracted early onset Karen.
23:56This is the life of a Karen.
23:59Our Karen now finds herself here.
24:02The Karen Clinic.
24:04This is perfect for you.
24:06Is it?
24:06Yeah,
24:07they've got Fox News running all day.
24:08It is freezing in here.
24:10Well,
24:11hello ladies.
24:12Welcome to the Karen Clinic.
24:13How can I help you today?
24:14I'd like you to explain what's colder than which is Ted in here.
24:17It's my auntie.
24:18She's been diagnosed with early onset Karen.
24:20I understand.
24:21We have a lot of ladies like her here.
24:23The doctor says it's terminal and I really want to take care of her myself.
24:26It's just been really hard.
24:27You're doing a fantastic job.
24:29Well done.
24:29It's not easy.
24:30Hi,
24:31I'm Dr. Madison Emerson Addison.
24:33What a horrible name.
24:35Poor bitch.
24:35How do you feel about a little look around?
24:38What we're finding is these days more and more of our loved ones are becoming Karens.
24:42It's why we built this amazing state-of-the-art facility.
24:44So these middle-aged white women have somewhere to go to complain and argue and just be angry.
24:50Free range.
24:51Hey,
24:52why are you so loud?
24:53You're causing noise pollution.
24:55Sorry,
24:55this is frightful woman.
24:56I'm going to phone the council.
24:57This is nonsense.
24:58Yeah,
24:58I've got someone here with a terrible haircut and a moose knuckle.
25:01I'm filming you.
25:02I'm watching you.
25:03This is going on the internet.
25:04I have to get off the phone.
25:05I need to record something.
25:06Don't worry about it.
25:07We have expert staff that intercept every call on the property.
25:11This is our telephone interception reception where we take all of our calls.
25:15These guys will role play any complaint line from local council to police to the shopping
25:20centre.
25:21Hello,
25:21this is your husband speaking.
25:24I'm an asshole.
25:25Tell me more.
25:26This is incredible.
25:27What do you think?
25:28Listen,
25:29I found your secret stash of Kit Kats in the garage,
25:31you filthy truffle pig.
25:32Yes,
25:33I am a truffle pig.
25:34I'm putting you back on the 5-2 diet.
25:35I know it's good for your host.
25:36I'll get a salad next time.
25:38You're just like your father.
25:40She's doing really well.
25:41What I'm most proud of is our rehabilitation program.
25:46All right.
25:48Everybody ready?
25:50A young person, on a bike, on the grass.
25:53How does this make you feel?
25:54I'm fine.
25:57A jeep parking too close to your RAV4.
26:02No.
26:03No.
26:04No.
26:04Big.
26:05Deal.
26:08Your niece turning up to a Christmas lunch with her choosies hanging out.
26:12Oh.
26:13Cut!
26:15It's a family event.
26:16Put some clothes on.
26:17We can sewage out for breakfast.
26:18That is inappropriate.
26:19Okay.
26:20That is inappropriate.
26:21Tets, no one else is dressed like that.
26:22The mum's got...
26:23It's Christmas.
26:24It's inappropriate.
26:24It's inappropriate.
26:25You can see her breasts.
26:26That is inappropriate.
26:27Warning.
26:27Ha!
26:29Not again.
26:30It's inappropriate.
26:30No, no, no.
26:31In with the breasts.
26:34Out with needing to see the manager.
26:40I really don't know if I'm ready to let her go.
26:42Like, what if she hates it here?
26:44Well, then she'll complain.
26:45That should really cheer her up.
26:47Look.
26:48She's already settling in.
26:50Thank you, Doctor.
26:52Of course.
26:58Do you know what I find fascinating?
26:59The female form.
27:01The woman's body is just such a mysterious place, isn't it?
27:04And I think when you talk to men, it just really brings home how little you fucking know
27:08about stuff.
27:09I talk to my brother and some of my male friends.
27:12Very little.
27:12But I do.
27:13And I say to them, what do you know about the female form?
27:16And they go, it can grow a baby.
27:18And it gets very aggressive.
27:21When it gets its period.
27:23I've got news for you, boys.
27:25Wait till it stops.
27:28You might get five minutes a day of clarity.
27:31And the rest of the time is fuck you time.
27:35Okay.
27:35But at least science is on board and they've provided us with HRT patches.
27:40Are you familiar with HRT patches?
27:42Yes.
27:43So you get this little patch and it's got estrogen.
27:45You put it on you.
27:45And then when someone comes up to you and they say some unnecessary shit or they look at you
27:50or, you know, they breathe.
27:53And then that patch goes, oh, no, she needs estrogen.
27:56Give it to her now.
27:57Sometimes it's not enough and you have to rip it off and chew it a bit.
28:02But then we're at the nightmare where globally there was an HRT shortage last year where we
28:08could not get the patches.
28:09Only women my age and up knew how many times a day your life was in danger.
28:15I go to my doctor.
28:17I go, do we have patches yet?
28:18Is it back?
28:20And she goes, no, but I do have Viagra.
28:25Wouldn't you take Viagra if Viagra couldn't tell the difference between a penis and a breast?
28:31Wouldn't you?
28:31If you go, you know what?
28:32I'm going out on Saturday.
28:33I don't want to wear a bra.
28:36And then you pop two Viagras and both your tests are...
28:40Yeah, of course.
28:41Once you're over the age of 50, you walk into a room like you're in a zombie film.
28:56Morning, Detective.
28:58So, I hate you've got yourself a new partner.
29:00Yeah, some hotshot from the city.
29:02Detective Beeks or something.
29:03The Detective Beeks?
29:05She brought down the media's cartel.
29:07They say she's brilliant, but unconventional.
29:10Much like those guys.
29:11That's the truth.
29:12Move, nutsack!
29:12Shit, sorry.
29:13You must be Detective Beeks.
29:15And you must be in my way.
29:21I'm giving you batteries.
29:22My neck fan are melting over here.
29:23You're sweating.
29:24It's like three degrees Celsius.
29:26Yeah, it's a scorcher today.
29:27Sisters are male.
29:28Thank Christ.
29:2932 years old.
29:30Time of death, 11.30pm last night.
29:32Looks to be deaf by a sharp object.
29:34I'll be that axe.
29:38Well, well, well.
29:39The only thing sharper than this axe is you, Detective.
29:41Obvious.
29:41Must have been top of your class at police college, eh?
29:45Hmm.
29:46Washing shoulder.
29:47That's weird.
29:49Typical.
29:49At this stage, motive remains unclear.
29:52Is it?
29:53You got a theory?
29:54Yeah.
29:55Maybe one or two.
29:56Maybe the victim was really fucking annoying.
29:59And just kept droning on and on and on.
30:01It's hardly a motive for murder.
30:03Oh, it is.
30:03It just doesn't make any sense.
30:04Look, I know it must be hard to multitask, what with breathing, blinking and keeping your mouth shut.
30:08But there was clearly a struggle.
30:10And with another man.
30:11You can't have that.
30:11There's no DNA evidence.
30:12Oh, there's DNA evidence.
30:14Look at this.
30:14A whole pile of washing folded, but not packed away.
30:17Only a man would get this deep into a task and not complete.
30:19The towel on the door.
30:20This is not where it goes.
30:21It's supposed to be in the bathroom.
30:23Only a man would hang in here and go, this is helpful.
30:25My God.
30:27You smell that?
30:29Oh, yeah.
30:30Fresh skid marks.
30:31Just as I suspected.
30:32Someone's had a poop and didn't use the brush.
30:34And then they just put the fan on and didn't spray.
30:36You need to spray.
30:37If you don't spray, you can literally taste the shit in this bathroom.
30:41Classic male behavior.
30:43Wow.
30:43Stop breathing.
30:45Can you hear that?
30:46Someone's breathing like a fog on.
30:48It's getting on my tits so bad.
30:50The killer's still here.
30:52They can't be.
30:52We searched the whole house.
30:53There's no one here.
30:54Yeah.
30:59There he is.
31:00Come and get him, boys.
31:01Let me guess.
31:02You had a bit of a man look.
31:06That was beautiful to watch.
31:07I bet you like to watch.
31:09Maybe.
31:10Want to go for a drink sometime?
31:12Me and you?
31:12Yeah.
31:13No, thanks.
31:15As soon as you asked me, my vagina just went...
31:22My God, she's good.
31:28Optimize your life.
31:30Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Optimize Your Life.
31:33Now, last episode, I was lucky enough to interview the author of The Let Them Theory.
31:37Incredible interview.
31:37Check it out if you haven't already.
31:39But that book has already sparked a new wave of self-help books.
31:43And my next guest is the latest to jump on that craze.
31:45Is Isla Carlson.
31:46Am I saying that right, Carlson?
31:47Yeah.
31:48Welcome to the show.
31:48Thank you so much for sharing space with me and giving us some of your wisdom.
31:53Can I just say that I think self-help books are bullshit?
31:56Sorry, you can just sit back from the mic.
31:58You can just sit naturally like that, and it picks it up.
32:00So your book was inspired by The Let Them Theory, wasn't it?
32:03If by inspired, you mean hated every moment of it.
32:06Yeah.
32:06Okay.
32:07Can you speak to that?
32:09I'm saying The Let Them Theory is putting a bitch back by about 90 years.
32:14Because we've been training these junior bitches up, saying,
32:17hey, stand up for yourself.
32:19Now, this book goes, no.
32:20Someone's mean to you.
32:21Let them.
32:22Your kids are out of control.
32:23Let them.
32:24At work, they're being suck asses.
32:26Let them.
32:26Let them.
32:27Let them.
32:27Let them.
32:27I'm not about that life.
32:28Wow.
32:29Fascinating.
32:30Fascinating.
32:30Now, tell us about your book.
32:31What is it called?
32:32My book is called Headbutt a Motherfucker in the Mouth.
32:36Yeah.
32:36Okay.
32:37There is an evocative title, isn't it?
32:38And let is not in there.
32:40No, it's not.
32:40Wow.
32:41Can I have a little hold of that?
32:43There she is.
32:44Break down the theory for us.
32:45How does it work?
32:46Well, it's quite simple.
32:47You're out.
32:48You identify a mofo in the wild, and you headbutt them right in their stupid mouth.
32:52So, give me some examples then of how I could implement the H-A-M-F-I-T-M theory
32:58in my
32:58day-to-day life.
32:59You're in a coffee shop.
33:00The person in front of you takes ages to order.
33:02There's a cube behind.
33:03Okay.
33:03Right?
33:03So, now you've identified them as a mofo.
33:06Just pull your head right back, and you headbutt them straight in their mouth.
33:10Wow.
33:10You know, it's provocative, but yet very simple.
33:13This must have taken you quite a long time to write.
33:15Yeah, a better part of three hours.
33:17Three hours.
33:17A day.
33:18I mean, they're there.
33:18No, no.
33:19Three hours.
33:20I mean, there's 182 pages of photos.
33:23So, there is.
33:24All the motherfuckers that I have headbutted in the mouth.
33:26Can we break down this moment here?
33:28Oh, that's Crystal.
33:29That's my neighbor, Crystal, and a dog, Otto.
33:30I had to headbutt her in the mouth, because she kept putting shitty nappies in my bin.
33:35And I think the thing that made me so angry is, she doesn't have a kid.
33:38Now, Uzala, I obviously didn't want to have to bring this up, but you will be aware, obviously,
33:42that the London-based writer, Harriet Twipple, has made claims that you have stolen her idea
33:47from her book, Flick a Bitch on the Tits.
33:50Do you want to respond to that?
33:52No, I don't, because I clearly didn't.
33:54One is about flicking tits, so it's not the same.
33:57Okay.
33:57So, you deny that you were inspired.
33:58You and Harriet can eat my arsehole.
34:01Well, I'm just starting to feel a lot of aggression coming my way, so I'm just going to wrap us
34:04up.
34:05It's been another fascinating episode of Optimize Your Life.
34:08Can I just have my book back?
34:09You can have your book back.
34:10Oh, God.
34:16Optimize your life.
34:19I don't know how to tell you guys this, but I'm single now.
34:22I know.
34:22I know.
34:23I know some of you would have been following me for a while and go, I thought she was married.
34:28I was.
34:30But I found a way out.
34:34Turns out it's not a hostage situation.
34:36You can leave.
34:37It costs slightly more than the wedding.
34:40But fuck, is it worth it?
34:42But you know what?
34:43Because we're lesbians, so we're still best friends, right?
34:46We actually still lived together for a few years and then we finally got divorced and
34:49I did repartner, but I had to break up with her.
34:53Because you know what?
34:54She's one of those people who like to shower together and I don't like that.
34:59I don't like that at all.
35:01I'll tell you what, apart from the fact that you don't wash your arsehole the way you're
35:04supposed to when you're in the shower with someone.
35:06Well, you don't.
35:07You're in there with someone, you just take half a squirt of a shower.
35:09That's it.
35:10And that's it.
35:11When you're in there by yourself, you've got to wash that thing properly.
35:18It goes through a lot of shit.
35:21But also, I didn't want to be with her anymore because of the shower thing.
35:24Because I've got a little corner shower, you know, one of those little triangular ones
35:27with the curved doors that when you open it, it only opens that wide.
35:30I need a run-up and a parade to get into that shower in the first place.
35:34And it's got a dome on it to keep the moisture in.
35:36Because if you don't, I live in Auckland, you can hear your clothes moulding in the covers.
35:40So I'm like, no.
35:42And I was there the day the guy put it in.
35:44It said, shower for one person.
35:46So we're already breaking the rules with the two of us being in there.
35:49And it wouldn't be so bad.
35:51But she's one of those annoying adults who like to wash her feet.
35:54And you don't need to wash your feet.
35:56You're an adult.
35:57What, are you running barefoot through the paddock?
35:59You're fine.
36:00Just squirt a bit of shower gel on the one foot and the other foot can do that and that.
36:04But no, she's up there lathering up a face cloth.
36:07Really?
36:07So how was your day?
36:09Oh, so you enjoy that?
36:11Guess what's happening with me while she's doing that?
36:15I'm plastered against that curved door.
36:18And because it's curved, the one tit is up here and the other tit is down here.
36:23And my possum is trying to escape through the crack in the door.
36:27You know what's my biggest worry?
36:29Because I have children.
36:30So you know one of them is going to come in and ask me something stupid like,
36:33Do bunnies have knees?
36:35And then they see me and they're like,
36:36I can't believe you're 49.
36:40How was your birthday?
36:41No, I told you.
36:42I had the best birthday ever.
36:44And your cheeky prezzies?
36:45The best.
36:46I got the best prezzies.
36:47And then I got this invite to what I assume is an orgy.
36:51I can't really put my finger on it.
36:52In a church or something?
36:53Oh, you saucy mix.
36:54Tell you what.
36:55They say 49.
36:56I say 45.
36:58We are here today to ruin the loss of Ursula Carson's cougar years.
37:02What the hell?
37:03This looks like a terrible orgy.
37:05I've been coerced.
37:07Please.
37:08Like so many horny women before her,
37:11Ursula became a cougar on her 40th birthday
37:13when she entered her sexual prime.
37:16But today on her 49th birthday,
37:17that cougar is officially deceased.
37:19And she's now just some invisible middle-aged lady
37:22taking up space in a post office machine.
37:26Let's hear from some loved ones.
37:29Hi, I'm Jill.
37:30I walked up with Ursula last year.
37:32I'm really glad I got in just in time,
37:34right before she passed over to the other side.
37:37Of middle age.
37:39And I should have seen the signs.
37:40Because right after we did it,
37:43she offered me a boiled sweet.
37:44I'm sorry, I can't.
37:45Because I was seething on your throat.
37:47Hey, I don't think we need to listen to anyone else.
37:50I've always found Ursula very sexy.
37:52I know, OK, let's hear this one out.
37:53I'd see her walking down the street sometimes
37:55and as much as I hate to see her go,
37:58I love to watch her leave.
38:00You know what I mean?
38:01Yeah.
38:02But now she's a 49-year-old crone.
38:04Now when I see her walking down the street,
38:06I just worry.
38:07She's going to have a fall.
38:08I'm not going to have a fall.
38:09I'm still spry as hell.
38:11Ah!
38:13Oh, I mean, fuck you, but thank you.
38:16Join us now as we farewell Ursula's sexy underwear.
38:21Hey, that one actually still fits.
38:23My favourite nipple rings.
38:25My mum left me those in her will.
38:26And now the ceremonial transition
38:28to more age-appropriate undergarments.
38:30Nominated patria, lingerie, circus.
38:33Ursula's a parachute.
38:34Why do they already smell like potpourri?
38:37Hey, guys, 49, but I'm still hot.
38:41Hot flashes don't count.
38:42I'm a swinger.
38:43Yeah, a mood swinger.
38:44No, I'm still adventurous.
38:46Like eating dinner after 5 p.m.
38:48Hey, zip your slit.
38:50What I'm saying is I'm still a cougar,
38:52and I'll prove it.
38:52I will shag any one of you right now, right here,
38:55who wants some of it.
38:56Come on, here.
38:57How about you?
38:58Hang?
38:59How about you, Father?
39:00You want to...
39:00It must be lonely in that monastery.
39:02It's so sad.
39:03I just want to let go.
39:05Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
39:07Herky boobs to saggy dust.
39:09We will remember her.
39:10Okay, so now that I turn 49,
39:12none of you want to do me anymore?
39:13Oh, no, no, honey.
39:15That's just the end of your cougar years.
39:17You've got a much more exciting era ahead of you.
39:20What's that?
39:21Welcome, Ursula Carlson, to your...
39:24GILF era.
39:26GILF, eh?
39:26Mm-hmm.
39:27And who are these?
39:29Ranny cases.
39:30I can work with that, ladies.
39:34Ow.
39:36Anyway, since we've started filming this,
39:38I just got some word that the LGBTQIA...
39:41we've added three letters in this 27 minutes
39:44and an exclamation mark.
39:46And the exclamation mark is just for people
39:48who are sick of everyone's shit.
39:50So if you identify as an exclamation mark,
39:52there we go.
39:53We've got a brand new member in the front here.
39:54We'll add you to the email group.
39:57You have been amazing.
39:58Good night.
39:59You are looking gorgeous.
40:02Feeling it?
40:03Hello.
40:04Got a little hair on your shirt.
40:06I just grabbed up.
40:12Oh, my God.
40:14That's no stray.
40:15That sucker's attached to my tit.
40:17It's breached the shirt.
40:19That is amazing.
40:21And disgusting.
40:22Why is it so long?
40:23Well, we're going to need more than those spaghetti arms, sweetie.
40:26Just pluck it.
40:28Just pluck it.
40:29Can I get a hand?
40:30Oh.
40:46There's a girl.
40:46I've got another one.
40:54Oh, stop it.
40:57How are you?
40:59How are you?
41:01Yes, I am.
41:03Can I just say how impressed I am with us as a people that this year has been the year
41:09of the tit.
41:10Like, it has been such a strong year for tits.
41:13Like, I have signed more boobs this year than I have any other time in my entire career.
41:18And some of them were even on women.
41:21Thank you, Jesus, that I'm a lesbian, that I can enjoy these little delights in life.
41:27That's not the only reason that I'm so happy that I'm a lesbian and into women.
41:30Because, you know, I look at straight people and I go, you poor bastards.
41:33You have no idea.
41:35Gay couples, that makes sense to me.
41:37You're on even par.
41:38But these couples, what is...
41:40You poor bastards.
41:42Like, because men aren't ready.
41:43You know, women, our natural talent is to argue.
41:46That is our gift that Jesus gave us.
41:48He gave us a memory and a fucking storage tank that can hold all this shit your partner
41:53has ever done.
41:55We even take notes when his mum goes, you know, he used to be real naughty as a boy.
41:58He goes, save that.
42:00I can pull that back up later.
42:02But men, you're just not equipped.
42:04Like, I see when I see straight couples fight.
42:06It's like, you know when you see a little boy, like a four-year-old, race his dad?
42:10Dad usually at the end just goes, and beats him and the boy's devastated.
42:14Yeah, that's straight couples.
42:16You think you can call some shit out?
42:19Oh, you saw her coffee cup in the lounge and anything.
42:21Don't worry, I've taken your cup to the kitchen for you.
42:26You want to talk about the cup in the lounge?
42:29Because I've been meaning to talk to you about the giant blobs of toothpaste in the sink
42:35after you've brushed your teeth.
42:37That's why she doesn't kiss you anymore.
42:40You know, when you get to a part in your relationship, you go,
42:42we're never pash anymore, remember how we used to, like, hey, hey, hey, hey.
42:46Why don't we ever do that anymore?
42:47It's like, because, motherfucker, I don't know how you brush your teeth.
42:54Great dinner, babe.
42:56Well, it was teamwork, butter chicken.
43:01Did you rinse that?
43:02Huh?
43:03Did you rinse that?
43:04Did you see me rinse it?
43:05You know, you're supposed to rinse it before you put it in the dishwasher,
43:07otherwise you're going to clog the dish valve.
43:08I've told you this.
43:09Don't snap at me.
43:10Well, I've told you this, like, a dozen times, but you never listen.
43:13What do you think happens?
43:14It just magically washes itself?
43:16I mean, how hard is it to rinse plates?
43:18I want to argue with you, Timothy.
43:19Yeah, well, I do, Abigail.
43:22I need you to know that women take arguing very, very seriously.
43:27So I need you to ask yourself, are you ready to argue with a woman?
43:33Yeah.
43:35Okay.
43:38Wait, what's that?
43:39Timothy, you had your chance to pull out, and you didn't.
43:432019, 2015, here we go.
43:45Christmas Day, 2012.
43:49You had a good old look at my sister's tits while she was cutting up food.
43:53How is that relevant?
43:54I mean, no, I didn't.
43:55Yeah, you did.
43:55She was wearing a loose linen top, and as she leaned forward,
43:58it presented an opportunity, and you stared directly at her ample bosom.
44:03I might have glanced.
44:05Let's go to the tape, shall we?
44:10Look at that.
44:12Direct.
44:14I've never seen you that focus in your entire life.
44:16I was just looking at the sourdough.
44:17Like her slicing technique.
44:19All this, it's fascinating.
44:20Oh, that's interesting.
44:22Let's have a look at this.
44:23Same year, New Year's Eve, 11.43pm.
44:26You were overheard talking to our neighbour, James, about my sister's tits.
44:31No.
44:31Wouldn't the court stenographer please read those comments back to us?
44:36James, can you pass me one of those cans of beer?
44:39Timothy Shaw can.
44:40Hey, speaking of cans, you know who's got some really great cans?
44:42All right, that's inadmissible.
44:44The court would like to call witness 13C to the stand, please.
44:48Talk us through what you witnessed.
44:50Did you see anyone making any gestures with their hands on the night?
44:54I believe it was something like, honk, honk.
44:57Oh.
44:58And is the person who went, honk, honk, in court here today with us?
45:02Yes, it was him.
45:04All right, you win.
45:05I'm sorry, I give up.
45:06No more questions, Your Honour.
45:07I find the defendant guilty on three counts of dead shittery and all counts of being a perc.
45:13Thank you, Your Honour.
45:15This is fun.
45:16We should cook together more often.
45:17I love it.
45:21Oh.
45:22You should call a plumber.
45:24That valve's going to be super clogged.
45:31It's this one.
45:32It's recycling.
45:33We've been through this.
45:34No, no, no.
45:34Daylight savings.
45:35The contents have been changed.
45:36What?
45:37Where did you read that?
45:38Oh, here she is.
45:39It's hire a lesbian.
45:39Perfect.
45:41Hello there.
45:42Thanks for coming, hire a lesbian.
45:44Hi.
45:45Call me Leslie.
45:46I'm your friendly neighbourhood hire a lesbian consultant.
45:49Trust me to do the jobs your hopeless husband can't.
45:51I'm glad you're here.
45:52My ears are starting to ring after all the nagging.
45:54Yep, yep, yep.
45:55This one.
45:56How about you leave all the joking to me, pal?
45:58Hey?
45:58And everything else.
46:00So what I'm going to do, I'm going to start off by mowing your lawn.
46:04Now I'm going to cut your grass.
46:06Wonderful.
46:06And then I'm going to clean out your chimney.
46:08Get all those cobwebs right out.
46:10Yeah, so she's ready to burn.
46:12God.
46:12Do you know what I mean?
46:16He doesn't know.
46:17I take a lot of time.
46:18But a good time.
46:19A thorough time.
46:20Yeah.
46:21That could be good.
46:22Right, honey?
46:23Yeah, I could be into that.
46:27Don't know why you do that.
46:31It's good to get the meals.
46:34That just seems inefficient.
46:36Impressive.
46:37Yeah, we love this.
46:38I love this.
46:39Would you like some tea?
46:40What?
46:41Would you like some tea?
46:42No, I don't like you.
46:43I'm going to get you some tea.
46:47There she goes, hammering away.
46:50Good on her.
46:51How do you take your tea?
46:52Harder.
46:53Harder.
46:54Harder.
46:54I don't know what that means.
46:56Do you take milk?
46:57Yes.
46:57Yes.
46:58Yes.
46:58Okay.
46:59Heard you the first time.
47:00Yes.
47:01Yes.
47:02Yes.
47:02It's going in so deep.
47:04Oh, my God.
47:04What's going on in here?
47:06Oh, some people call it carpentry.
47:08They call it foreplay.
47:10Foreplay?
47:11I know about foreplay from the hardware store.
47:131,200 long with a laminated back.
47:15Foreplay?
47:16He don't bother.
47:17He doesn't get it.
47:17He never has.
47:19Okay, I'll just leave these here.
47:21Yeah, just leave them.
47:23Door open or closed?
47:24Open.
47:25We don't care.
47:25Bye, bye, bye, bye.
47:27Where were we?
47:28Okay.
47:29So you want to go in real deep, but slow and steady, but keep your pace.
47:34All I'm going to say is the only thing that we should take from men are your toilets.
47:40We're going to take your toilets because even right now, as you're sitting here, the
47:42women are already starting to stress because they need to go to the toilet and, you know,
47:46we have to line up to use the toilet like we're farm animals.
47:49And I'm like, why are we struggling?
47:51We need to take the men's toilets.
47:53We need to take it off them.
47:54You boys can just piss in the street like you do anyway.
47:56There's not one person in here who's not stumbled down an alleyway and saw some random
48:02two o'clock in the morning dick, right?
48:04You guys can just go piss down a drain or piss in a bottle or piss in anything.
48:07You can literally piss in anything.
48:09We know you can't do it in the toilets, Blatterfree.
48:13So what we're going to do is we will take your toilets.
48:16And ladies, I'm putting a urinal in for us, like a trough, because of course, it's the
48:21only way we can do it.
48:22We can't be standing against the wall.
48:24So we go in and you just kind of climb over that thing.
48:29I mean, obviously, we all have to face the same way.
48:32You can't get one over-eager lesbian coming in going, don't mind if I do.
48:38They're like, no, Leslie, no.
48:40But guys, you've got to help a bitch out.
48:43Because you know, we go through a lot when we have to line up.
48:45That's why women are always closer than men.
48:47We're easier to talk to each other because we practice when we're standing in the queue
48:50to use the toilet because we're all standing there waiting for our turn to hold the door.
48:56We just shuffle on little bits by little bits when our tits are touching her back because
49:01you've got to keep it tight.
49:02And all the men are just...
49:05And that is why we need our own urinals.
49:07And we are coming to take them from you.
49:31How long have you guys been waiting?
49:33I don't remember.
49:40Oh, that's some bullshit.
49:46Hey, what's it like in that?
49:47Is there soap?
49:48What's the toilet paper like?
49:49It's...
49:50It's one ply.
49:52And there's only two cubicles.
49:53For all of us?
49:54Oh, it's not.
49:55Fair.
49:56No.
49:56No, this can't be.
49:58My molars are floating in my head.
50:00I need to piss right now.
50:01My tenor is to the brim.
50:03This is bullshit!
50:07Why must we be treated like second-class citizens?
50:10We are human too.
50:11We deserve to piss freely like the men do.
50:14If you cut us, do we not bleed?
50:15If we are busting, do we not piss?
50:17I piss.
50:17I don't know about you, ladies, but I can't stand idly by while men can just go toilet
50:22wherever and whenever their tiny little dicks want to go.
50:25Hell yeah!
50:26They don't have to queue.
50:27They don't have to wipe.
50:28They don't even wash their hands.
50:30They don't even really need a toilet.
50:31They can piss wherever they like.
50:33I've seen a guy piss in a coke bottle.
50:34I've seen a guy piss out of a window.
50:35Have you ever been pissed out of a window?
50:37No, because you're not a goddamn animal.
50:38What can we do?
50:39We can fight back!
50:40That's what we're going to do.
50:41We're going to take their toilets from them!
50:43Women pissing in the men's room.
50:45I've heard about girls who do that, but I always thought it was just a myth.
50:49If they want us to work like men and repress our feelings like men, then by God, we shall piss
50:54like men!
50:55Out of the trenches and into the trough!
50:57Out of the trenches and into the trough!
50:59Out of the trenches and into the trough!
51:01Out of the trenches and into the trough!
51:02Charge!
51:08Charge!
51:09Charge!
51:11Charge!
51:12Charge!
51:12Charge!
51:12Charge!
51:15Charge!
51:16Charge!
51:17Charge!
51:22Charge!
51:28You made a murder board of all the possible suspects.
51:31Ah, this is my wish I could murder board.
51:34Murder board for the cases over there.
51:36Getting into the mind of a killer.
51:38Brilliant.
51:40I don't need to get in to the mind of a killer.
51:43I understand the desire to kill on such a deep cellular level
51:48that it scares the shit out of me.
51:50And it should make your piss run the ice cold.
51:54Oh, there's a lot of photos on that fantasy murder board.
52:00What did they all do that was so bad?
52:02This one here didn't thank me when I let him into traffic.
52:05This guy here, three and a half minutes of a monologue at a dinner party.
52:09Drove me nuts.
52:10This guy stood in front of me at the supermarket
52:12and he was just doing this weird little dance, like that, like that.
52:16And every time he did that, he'd miss his opportunity to move ahead in the queue
52:20and I had to gently remind him by ramming his ankles away.
52:23Controlling.
52:24So frustrating.
52:25Yes, that's pretty bad.
52:26Bad?
52:27It's evil.
52:28I would kill them if it wasn't illegal.
52:31Or if I knew I could get away with it.
52:35Wait.
52:36Is that a photo of me?
52:41Here you go, detective.
52:42Thanks.
52:42Did you follow that affidavit I gave you this morning?
52:44I know, I've been quite busy out on the front desk.
52:46We had about to...
52:46I'm losing the will to live.
52:47It was a yes or no question.
52:49No.
52:51In that case...
53:00I'll come and sort that out now.
53:03Do you think that was a bit harsh?
53:04Maybe you'd need to take the rest of the day off just to calm down.
53:08Calm down?
53:09Mate?
53:10I'm calm.
53:11I'm as calm as they come.
53:13Trust me!
53:14You've not seen karma in your entire life!
53:16I showed up calm, oh!
53:18I'm calm as all hell!
53:22No, no, no!
53:24Damn it!
53:25Oh, my lucky pup.
53:29Calm down!
53:31Calm down!
53:32I am calm!
53:34I'm calm!
53:44Calm down!
53:53I said you want, detective.
53:55You were right.
53:57It did calm me down a little bit.
53:59I'm going to go for lunch.
54:00How about you clean up this mess before I get back
54:02and no one gets hurt, eh?
54:08it's asbestos
54:11hi um i can see your age in this room i can sort of get a vibe for you and
54:15do you remember oh not
54:16you two but do you remember how we used to dance in the 80s and 90s do you remember going
54:20to the
54:21club and we'd all be done you know why we had to dance like that because deodorant only lasted for
54:28three hours you couldn't be chucking your arms in the air people would pass out but then the
54:33deodorant companies came to the party they go we'll give you six hours then we'd start dancing
54:37with the fingers like then the deodorant companies went even longer now it's 24 and 48 there's a
54:44deodorant on the market right now that's 72 hours what are you trapped in a mind who needs 72 hours
54:52in a 24 hour cycle you've got to put your ass in water you've got to be fresh you've got
54:58to get in
54:59there and scrub everywhere like and i mean everywhere don't just rub your hand around
55:04with your bit of shower gel get a loofah lather that bitch up and get involved and wash everywhere
55:12i mean if you don't want to put the loofah on your asshole that's fine you do the shower gel
55:16and check that the foam comes out clean you know i know i can hear you know how to wash
55:22your asshole
55:22i didn't have to explain that to you also you've got to be fresh i'm telling you now you've got
55:28to be
55:29fresh all the time because if you're not when you stink you make the rest of us paranoid
55:34it doesn't matter how fresh i am if you are not fresh you walk past me
55:40fuck is that me i start questioning myself like i've never met me
55:45now i have to find out if it's me without letting anyone else know
56:13hey hey hey what's up what's up welcome to the house of anesthesia
56:18we love you anesthesia thanks doll face my next single is a dance hall banger and i need you to
56:24bring the heat um to travel davis um davis just show me what you got on the choreography
56:31okay let's hit the track
56:49all right we'll just cut the track this hurry one just one second yeah sorry what are you doing
56:53dancing my heart out who is she ignore her she's from a um she's from a lesbian outreach program
57:00um i think we should just ignore her maybe even cut her because i think dancing was very good
57:04well maybe i do agree she wasn't dancing very good i think she was dancing great
57:14so ursula are you ready to step up to the streets yes i train i'm ready to take center stage
57:20with you
57:20you better save the last dance for me i'll be naming early 2000s dance films because um
57:26um because because dirty dance it's the 80s this is hard
57:29hey coyote ugly zip it yeah hit the track dancers step up
57:34lock it in lock it in with 49 year old ladies having a hot flush yes
57:40i got finger guns i got finger guns okay i'm gonna just call it a finger gun sorry um
57:44it's sort of giving drunk auntie at a wedding vibes i have been a drunk auntie at a wedding and
57:49i think
57:49that's me that's exactly what it's going for you've got me and i've got you let's hit it
57:53it's late and the vodka's hit hard dancing it's 90 eyebrows get them up i can do the side of
58:00my face
58:01that's how we get the store out of the drink oh i do that a lot
58:05get your tits out stretch your butt stretch your butt where's my keys where's my teeth
58:10no enough enough enough enough i can't watch another second of this i am a trained dancer
58:15okay i want to be doing like body rolls and spins you shouldn't do any of that at your age
58:19it'll make
58:20you sick i am 34 and 13 months look anastasia can you please just do my choreography
58:25i'm a bit confused who here has sold 30 million records worldwide
58:29you did anastasia so i think that i can choose who's doing the choreography
58:34all right then well who are we going to pitch
58:55this is stupid
58:59this is stupid
59:03i told you that was going to happen oh my god what are you eating
59:12i do feel like we've learned a lot from each other so far tonight but i also don't want you
59:16to leave here tonight thinking i don't like men or i don't think that men have a special talent
59:21of course you do you know men are extremely gifted when your wife is not feeling great to go why
59:27don't
59:27you put on a bit of a happy face why don't you smile a bit it's adorable and i think
59:32it's your
59:32strengths i think the fact that you have that absolute sheer inability to read a room i like it
59:37you guys have been great thank you so much
Comments