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00:00From Hollywood, it's Jimmy Kimmel Live!
00:04Tonight, Jellirol and Nicole Byer with the Kletos!
00:11And now, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
00:31Thank you for watching. Thanks for clapping. I appreciate it.
00:41For those walking around the universe, we are transmitting the signal from our home planet in a galaxy not so
00:47far away, Hollywood,
00:49where on what is presumably the most profitable day of the year for the hard-working Chewbaccas and various Star
00:58Wars characters, our Boba's Fett,
01:01who are out there taking photographs, oh, and smashing things on May the 4th and May the 4th be with
01:08you all.
01:09By the way, when I say May the 4th be with you, you're supposed to say, and I'll foe with
01:13you, right?
01:15I'm Catholic. That's how it goes. And Star Wars turns 50 years old next year.
01:20You know, when I was a kid, our Yoda was old and had hair on his ears. Things are different.
01:26This, he smelled like Vicks VapoRub. We got a cute little Yoda now. Looks a little bit like you, Gyro.
01:31A little bit. A little bit, yeah.
01:34Jabba the President did not celebrate Star Wars today. He, uh, he's barely focused on the real war he got
01:41us into.
01:41Trump took another trip to Florida this weekend. He showed up at a PGA Tour event held at his golf
01:47resort in Miami.
01:48This is what he loves to do. Wave at other white people at country clubs he owns.
01:53That's what he was born for. The President was joined by real estate magnate slash war negotiator Steve Witkoff
02:00and his son Eric Trump, who wasn't invited but tunneled his way in like the gopher from Caddyshack.
02:08After the tournament, Trump met with the winner, Cameron Young, to congratulate him on his victory and take possession of
02:14his trophy.
02:15And when he wasn't romping around the golf course, the President was hard at work on social media this weekend.
02:21Just to give you a little peek inside his very strong brain, let's examine one night in Donald Trump's truth
02:29social feed.
02:29Actually, not even one night. Let's look at one hour. These are all real posts from our President in the
02:3611 o'clock hour on Friday night.
02:38At 11.03, he put up this image of him and members of his cabinet taking a dip in the
02:43Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool.
02:46I don't know who the woman in the bikini is or how the A.I. was able to shave 80
02:50pounds off his gut, but everyone looks great.
02:54A minute later, at 11.04, he posted this even more unbelievable picture of Melania smiling.
03:00Which is, I don't know, the last time we saw that.
03:05At 11.13, he posted a thinly veiled but definitely racist note about House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries,
03:12followed two minutes later with a warning to Iran that said,
03:16I have all the cards and only a bunch of UNO cards.
03:20Which is a game you win by having no cards.
03:25Should we do more?
03:27This is what happens when you don't play with your children.
03:3011.22, he posted his big gold pumpkin head.
03:3311.26, him photoshopped into Mount Rushmore.
03:3811.32, we've got him and Melania with their hair blowing, no explanation.
03:4211.37, with King Charles, no caption or explanation.
03:46Then over the next eight minutes, he made not one but three posts about renovating the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool.
03:52And that's one hour on a Friday night, the President of the United States.
03:56According to the Daily Beast, based on his social media activity, there were only five nights last month when the
04:01President could have possibly gotten a full night's sleep.
04:04Last month, he posted an average of 18 times a day.
04:07If you had a relative who was posting 18 times a day, you'd be worried about him, right?
04:14You'd be like, what's going on with Cousin Matthew? Is he okay?
04:18Now, in fairness, Trump does take nice little naps, mostly during the national security meetings.
04:23So he is getting some sleep, and he might even be scouting for a place to live after his reign
04:29of terror ends.
04:30Trump paid a visit to the village's retirement community near Orlando on Friday, accompanied by two of his top TV
04:38doctors, Phil and Oz.
04:40We have a man here who knows more about Medicaid, Medicare, medical crap than any human being.
04:47Where's Dr. Oz? Where the hell are you standing?
04:52He's great.
04:54It was the most boring trip I've ever made.
04:56He's telling me about Medicare, Medicaid.
04:58Like I give a meta about any of those things.
05:02Any term with the word care or aid, out.
05:07You know, there are a lot of people suggesting that the President's cognitive abilities are beginning to dim.
05:11So Trump now, at every chance he gets, brings up that dumb cookie-cutter dementia test that he claims he
05:17aced.
05:18I got every one right.
05:20And these are tough questions.
05:22These are tough questions, you know.
05:24They say, take a number, any number.
05:26Okay, I'll take 99.
05:27Multiply times nine.
05:29Okay.
05:30Divide it by three.
05:31Good.
05:31Add 4,293.
05:34That's good.
05:35Divide by two.
05:38Subtract 93.
05:40Divide by nine.
05:42What is your answer?
05:44Now, they go a little slower than that, but not much.
05:46I don't want to waste a lot of time.
05:48But there aren't a lot of people that get it right.
05:50I got it right, you know.
05:52All right.
05:53Well, what's the answer then?
05:54We're dying to know.
05:56By the way, I have taken this test that he took.
05:58It doesn't ask any questions anywhere remotely like that.
06:01The hardest math question is subtract the number seven from the number 60,
06:05and then subtract seven from 53, and so on.
06:09There are no story problems, but don't let that get in his way.
06:13The man is on a roll.
06:14The first question is, you have a lion, a bear, an alligator, and a...
06:21What's another good?
06:22A squirrel.
06:23Okay?
06:24Which is the squirrel?
06:27One doctor said, it's the first time I've ever seen anyone get oral questions right.
06:33What's a doctor who does his stuff for a living?
06:35That's right.
06:36And you could tell he was a doctor because he was dressed like Jesus.
06:45Again, a few months ago, I took this test with a doctor.
06:49I answered all 30 questions correct.
06:51They're easy questions, but...
06:53And I'm a moron, according to him.
06:54I think anybody running for president or vice president should be forced to take a cognitive examination.
07:03I mean, you get a guy, he gets in, he's got a good line of crap, he gets in, and
07:07all of a sudden you're stuck with a man who's a moron.
07:10I've heard of it happening twice, you know?
07:13I think it's his self-awareness that I admire most.
07:17And then it was time for impressions.
07:19Rich Little Hands treated the crowds in one of his favorite bits, the now classic lady weightlifter routine.
07:24The father's saying there's no way she's beaten that guy.
07:27So, she gets up and she puts, and she's ready.
07:31Now she's just got to do that fun.
07:33She's almost home.
07:35One eighth of a bound more on each other.
07:37One eighth!
07:37Just a tiny little bit.
07:39Uh.
07:41Uh.
07:42Come on, darling.
07:43The mother's screaming like, darling, I love you, darling.
07:46Oh, mom, I can't do it.
07:48Whoa.
07:49Can we just get him a theater in Branson and be done with this already?
07:53It's what he wants.
07:56He just likes to put on a show.
07:59His slogan could be, let's go Branson.
08:02You know?
08:02My favorite part of when he does this bit is when he follows up explaining how much the first lady
08:08doesn't like it.
08:09She hates it when I do the thing on weightlifting.
08:12She says it's so unpresidential.
08:15And she hates when I dance, too, at the end, too.
08:21She hates when I dance to what's sometimes referred to as the gay national anthem.
08:26You know?
08:27She hates it.
08:28Melania hates when you do things?
08:30No way.
08:31I can't believe it.
08:32What a buzzkill.
08:33Why would she hate that?
08:34It's so much fun.
08:35He's just trying to have fun.
08:37We are on week 10 now of what Trump has been referring to as his mini war on Iran.
08:43Week 10 is significant because under the War Powers resolution, the president is supposed to get approval from Congress for
08:50any military action that goes longer than 60 days.
08:53And we are now above 60 days.
08:55But he has no intention whatsoever of getting permission.
08:59Why are you not seeking congressional approval to extend it?
09:02Because it's never been sought before.
09:04There's been numerous, many, many times, and nobody's ever gotten it before.
09:08They consider it totally unconstitutional.
09:10But we're always in touch with Congress.
09:13But nobody's ever sought it before.
09:15Nobody's ever asked for it before.
09:17It's never been used before.
09:19Why should we be different?
09:21And by never, he means 11 times.
09:24Congress has approved more.
09:2611 times.
09:27It must be so freeing to be able to lie with no fact checking whatsoever.
09:31Just say whatever you want.
09:33He's like fat GPT.
09:34He just churns out the information.
09:37Gas prices are now the highest they've been since the start of the war.
09:40At least according to the totally biased fake news at Fox Business.
09:44The longer this goes, the worse Trump looks.
09:46He desperately needs a way to declare victory and get out of this fast.
09:49He posted this morning, it would seem that Iran either lost the war
09:54or the final round of family feud.
09:56I'm not sure.
09:57Well, yesterday, we got news that Trump's former lawyer
10:01and the former mayor of New York, Rudy Giuliani,
10:04was hospitalized and is in critical condition.
10:07He is said to be recovering from a bout with pneumonia.
10:10When I read this, I thought, I really thought, I said,
10:12I wonder if they'll try to blame this on me.
10:14And then sure enough, one of these podcast bozos points to a joke
10:18I made about Rudy on Thursday about him being a vampire.
10:22And then suggests I might actually have some inside knowledge
10:25of what's going on in Trump town there.
10:28And then that becomes a thing and results in this Newsmax panel
10:33form to somehow pin this on me.
10:36I do want to play a clip, though, from Jimmy Kimmel,
10:39who joked about Giuliani rising from the grave just days before
10:43the former New York City mayor, was rushed to the hospital.
10:47Is this supposed to be comedy?
10:48Well, it's not.
10:49I don't know what it's supposed to be, but it's not funny.
10:52He's not funny.
10:53Can I just say that?
10:54No.
10:54He's just really not funny.
10:56It's abhorrent what he's doing under the gauze of comedy.
11:04He's right.
11:06In fact, I'm under the gauze of comedy right now.
11:16The gauze gives me psychic abilities.
11:19This is how it works.
11:19Every day in the morning, I wake up, I make coffee,
11:22and then I look into the future to see which events have yet
11:25to occur, and then we write jokes about it.
11:28We write jokes that we know are going to make trouble.
11:29For the record, I hope Rudy Giuliani lives another 100 years.
11:33He earned that outside the dildo shop.
11:35That was the funniest thing any person has done this century.
11:41All right, you guys can take that back to the medic now.
11:44Thank you very much.
11:45Now, as for the rest of us, we have some exciting news
11:48from the world of health.
11:49Syphilis is back.
11:50According to the CDC, cases of syphilis have skyrocketed by 700%.
11:55All the great diseases are making a comeback.
11:58Syphilis, measles, Kanye, you name it.
12:01Some states have it worse than others.
12:05The state of New York has seen five times the number of cases
12:08they had in 2013.
12:09And if you look at a map of the large retirement communities
12:12in Arizona and Florida, you see old people are getting it on
12:16in droves.
12:17They are.
12:18It's times like these when I am thankful that the man in charge
12:21of our health and human services is doing experiments on the
12:25dingers of dead rodents he finds on the side of the road.
12:28Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had an incident at Dulles Airport yesterday.
12:32He captured a bird with his bare hands just in time for a keto-friendly
12:38mid-flight snack.
12:41That poor bird had a better experience than the people who booked a flight
12:44on Spirit this weekend.
12:46On Saturday at 2 a.m., Spirit put out a statement announcing their demise,
12:53writing,
12:53to our guests, all flights have been canceled and customer service
12:57is no longer available.
12:59As if it ever was to begin with.
13:02And why they did this at 2 in the morning with no advance notice,
13:08I have no idea.
13:10But, you know, at least Spirit died doing what they loved,
13:12which is being the worst airline in the history of the world.
13:16And I have to say, this announcement is a particularly bitter pill
13:19for those of us who host late-night talk shows.
13:21Spirit being terrible.
13:22It was something every-every person got immediately.
13:25And that's hard to replace.
13:27We are taking applications.
13:28I've got my eye on you, Allegiant.
13:30But either way, after two bankruptcies, I guess that is it.
13:35Spirit Airlines is officially shut down.
13:37And we wouldn't ever-
13:39Wait.
13:39What?
13:40Did you just say Spirit Airlines shut down?
13:43Yeah, I did.
13:44Yeah.
13:45That's impossible.
13:46We're Spirit pilots.
13:48We're scheduled to fly out of LAX in 20 minutes.
13:51Well, your airline went out of business three days ago.
13:55And if you're supposed to take off in 20 minutes,
13:57why aren't you on the plane?
13:58Why aren't you on the plane?
14:02Because it's a Spirit plane, dumbass.
14:06Well, I hate to say it, but I think you're both out of work.
14:09Pfft.
14:09Well, mate.
14:10Well, this sucks.
14:11I know.
14:12Where are we going to find another job where we can make 19 bucks an hour?
14:15Yes.
14:16Or one that gives us cute little bottles of whiskey when we fly.
14:21Hey, they let you drink while you fly?
14:23They make you drink while you fly.
14:26Uh, would you fly Spirit sober?
14:28I don't think so.
14:31Hey, I gotta take a leak.
14:33Can I, uh, use your bathroom bucket?
14:36What is a bathroom bucket?
14:38To pee in.
14:40Bathroom bucket.
14:41We don't have a bucket.
14:43We have toilets.
14:43You want to...
14:44Wow.
14:45This place is a lot nicer than our planes.
14:48They're actually right through that room.
14:51Wow.
14:52Fancy.
14:52This is nice.
14:53Yes.
14:54And good luck, guys.
14:55I really hope you find jobs soon, you know?
14:57You know what?
14:57We're gonna be okay.
14:59Good.
14:59You're gonna be okay, yeah.
15:00Because when one spirit ends, another begins.
15:08Oh, okay.
15:09All right.
15:10So you...
15:11You have another job.
15:13You work at Spirit Halloween.
15:15Yep.
15:15We'll save you a baby Yoda costume.
15:17Yeah.
15:18See you in October, bitch!
15:23Well, we have a fun show tonight.
15:26Nicole Byer is here tonight.
15:27And we'll be right back with Jelly Rolls.
15:30This is the crowd.
15:35Oh!
15:36Oh!
15:37Oh!
15:37Oh!
15:38Oh!
15:42Oh!
15:42Oh!
15:42Oh!
15:43Oh!
15:44Oh!
15:47Oh!
15:48Oh!
15:49Hey, welcome back tonight.
15:50A very funny woman whom you can see live at the Netflix
15:54Is A Joke Fest here in L.A.
15:56Nicole Byer is with us.
15:58We've got a fun week this week with that comedy festival
16:04in town.
16:04Steve Carell will be here.
16:05John Mulaney will be here.
16:07Asa Gonzalez, Katrina Belf and Mike Tyson
16:09with music from Mike Patton and the Avett Brothers.
16:12And sitting in with the Cletones all this week
16:14from Session Syndicate.
16:16They have a new song coming out on May 8th.
16:18It's called The Roundabout.
16:19Lauren Smith and Bella Hicks are here.
16:22Thank you for being here.
16:25It's very good to have you here.
16:27Our first guest tonight is a massive music star
16:30whose resume includes Grammy winner, former prisoner,
16:34pro wrestler, TV show talent judge, and now he adds comedy MC.
16:39You can see him at the beautifully broken comedy night Friday
16:42at the Greek theater here in L.A.
16:44Please welcome Jelly Roll.
17:07Come on!
17:08Wow!
17:09Oh!
17:11Wow!
17:11You look good.
17:12Are you sick of talking about how you look?
17:14Are you over it?
17:15Oh, absolutely not.
17:16Good, good, good.
17:17Because you look great.
17:18For 41 years, I never walked in one room where somebody said,
17:21dude, you look great.
17:23Not one time, dude.
17:24I mean, I was an ugly baby.
17:25You know what I'm saying?
17:26So now I'm only about a year into people being like,
17:28you look great.
17:29I'm like, bring it more.
17:30Tell me more.
17:31Dude, you look hot today.
17:32I'm like, tell me again, baby.
17:33Tell me again.
17:34How many pounds have you lost?
17:36Almost 300.
17:38Whoa.
17:39Crazy.
17:43Imagine if I was just 300 pounds,
17:45I would have been really, really fat.
17:47And I lost 300 pounds.
17:49I was so fat that I lost weight that I'm still fat,
17:52and we're just celebrating me just being fat.
17:57It's like you had a twin brother, and now he's gone.
18:00No, for sure.
18:01And it was more evil me.
18:02I've turned into a nicer guy.
18:03Oh, I see.
18:04I got you.
18:05I was afraid I was going to be rude.
18:07Yeah, you suddenly get, yeah, like some of those,
18:09like super.
18:10Well, imagine.
18:10You see your pecker for the first time.
18:11You don't know how you're going to react.
18:13Oh, yeah.
18:15Hello, old friend.
18:17Hey.
18:18There you are.
18:19You smell horrible.
18:22Where have you been?
18:24Is there anything you miss about those 300 pounds?
18:28The food.
18:29The food, yeah.
18:29God, I miss the food, Jimmy.
18:31But I don't miss anything about the actual weight.
18:33I got a lot of skin under here.
18:35I mean, if I rolled my shirt up,
18:37it'd roll out like the red carpet.
18:38I mean, I am barely hanging.
18:40I'm hanging on like a hubcap and a fastener.
18:42Like, my nipple is by my navel right now.
18:46It just.
18:47Do you keep the clothes, the big clothes,
18:50like in a kind of just-in-case type scenario?
18:52I thought about it, but Jared from Subway ruined that.
18:55Oh, yeah.
18:56You're right.
18:56He ruined a lot of things.
18:57I can't see it any other way now.
18:58Any fat person I see with it, I'm like, he could be Jared.
19:01You know what I'm saying?
19:03Yeah, you have like the-
19:04I just don't trust him, dude.
19:06You have like the reverse Jared story in a lot of ways.
19:10Last summer when I was on vacation,
19:12you were kind enough to come fill in and host this show
19:15for a couple of nights.
19:17You did a really good job.
19:19And everybody loves you here, you know?
19:22To the point where I start to get a little like,
19:24all right, all right, I get it.
19:25He was a lot of fun.
19:26But you handle the guests differently than-than I do.
19:30Why don't you leave, huh?
19:37What's up, brother?
19:38You talking about this over here, son?
19:45That's Logan Paul, who-
19:47Oh, by the way, I should mention,
19:48this is the invoice for the desk.
19:52Oh, no!
19:53Yeah, yeah, it was $8,400.
19:55Goodness gracious, Jimmy.
19:56Yeah, just gonna have that.
19:58Maybe you and Logan could split it, I know.
19:59Logan is definitely getting billed this one.
20:01Logan, you got it.
20:03But in defense, you probably would have slammed
20:06Logan Paul through the table too, Jimmy.
20:07You know what I'm saying?
20:08Were I capable of that, perhaps I would have.
20:11You know what, I'll keep this.
20:12Yeah, you keep that, will you?
20:12I'm giving this to Logan for real.
20:13Next time I'm at a wrestling match.
20:16You had fun doing it, I assume?
20:18I had an absolute ball.
20:20I loved it here.
20:21Good.
20:21Can I tell you a story?
20:21I probably shouldn't tell you.
20:22Go ahead.
20:23So afterwards, I love this staff so much.
20:26I mean, you've got some of the greatest producers,
20:28some of the greatest production camera people.
20:30We do.
20:30I mean, it is a rock star crew.
20:32We do.
20:32It is a rock star crew.
20:34We do.
20:35And I was kind enough that Miss Aaron Irwin,
20:38who produces this show, took me to see the beautiful roof.
20:40Where, um, and I was up there and I thought
20:43this would be a great time to partake in the beauty
20:45of California.
20:46Mm-hmm.
20:46I understand.
20:47And I lit a little California chronic up.
20:49Uh-huh.
20:50And I may have got one of the guys on your staff so high
20:53he's not here now.
20:54I mean, I think he might still be on the roof, dude.
20:57I've never seen a grown man faint from weed until I smoked
21:00with one of your staff members on this roof.
21:02Really?
21:03You got him good.
21:03I'd love to know who that was.
21:05Oh, listen, so good.
21:05He blamed it on his, I would never disclose his name.
21:08Is Will still here, though?
21:09Has anybody seen Will?
21:12I see.
21:13Yeah, yeah, Will, it hits Will pretty hard.
21:16Listen, man, the best part was he fell
21:18and he grabbed his hamstring, tried to play it off.
21:21Oh, it's a hamstring.
21:22And Aaron, the producer sits down and goes, are you OK?
21:25He goes, yes.
21:26He goes, is your hamstring hurting?
21:28He goes, yes.
21:29She goes, perhaps you're really stoned, too?
21:32He goes, yes.
21:34I never heard of somebody getting so stoned,
21:36they pull a hamstring.
21:37No.
21:37That is remarkable.
21:39Only on the Jimmy Kimmel.
21:40Say, have me back any time.
21:41I'll plead.
21:42Well, listen, we got plans for you.
21:44Don't worry about that.
21:44I know you just came in from Nashville,
21:46and I know it was a big weekend for your family
21:48this weekend.
21:49It couldn't have been any bigger.
21:51My daughter had her senior prom,
21:53which is already a huge deal.
21:55Mm-hmm.
21:57And she was the senior prom queen.
22:00So my daughter became the prom queen.
22:04Unreal, man.
22:05There was a vote, and she won?
22:07It was a vote, and she won, dude.
22:09It was really, really cool, man.
22:11Did you go to the senior prom?
22:12No, goodness.
22:13No, I was in, I was busy.
22:16I was, yeah.
22:18Me and her had two totally different stories.
22:20I was incarcerated for what would have been my senior prom.
22:22They don't have proms in prison?
22:24No, no, it's not.
22:26They sadly do have proms in prison.
22:28They're just not as public or formal.
22:30You know what I'm saying?
22:31But, yeah, there's definitely some proming happening in there.
22:34You, uh, so you did not do that.
22:36I did not go to the prom, either, for different reasons.
22:38It wasn't the same.
22:39Oh, there's the reason.
22:40Yeah, that's the reason I didn't go to the prom.
22:42Oh!
22:43You don't have to groan like something terrible happened to me.
22:47I just played the clarinet.
22:48What are you going to do?
22:49You don't play clarinet, do you?
22:50No, no, goodness, no.
22:51I don't play any instruments you got to blow in.
22:54You know what I'm saying?
22:58That's probably for the best.
23:00But in your...
23:01I hate you.
23:04I love you, brother.
23:05In your, um, when you, you got your GED, right, when you were in there?
23:09Yeah.
23:09I was incarcerated when I got my GED.
23:12And, um, it was a really big deal.
23:14You had to get accepted into a unit to get it.
23:17And I thought it was a big deal because, you know, I got my GED.
23:20Sure.
23:20Which was huge for me.
23:21I was in my early, mid-twenties.
23:22I just found out I had that same daughter.
23:25And that's what encouraged me to get my GED.
23:27I was in prison, and they were like, hey, you had a daughter.
23:28And I was like, oh, God, I don't even have a GED.
23:31Wow.
23:31I should at least start there.
23:32And I went to the unit, I got my GED, and there was very little fanfare about it, though.
23:37But I did get it.
23:38There was no silhouette?
23:38You didn't wear a robe, throw your hat in the air, none of that stuff?
23:41No big cap and gown moment, no big high-five, no nothing.
23:44I think they just kind of came in and told the ones that made it they made it.
23:47I think one guy, they just quietly gave him a thumbs down.
23:49He was like, what about me?
23:52And they hit him with a...
23:54You know what I'm saying?
23:55Just trying not to blow him in front of the class.
23:58Oh, well, that's not fun.
24:00Now, your wife, Bunny, she was here, I don't know, a couple months ago.
24:05Did she go to the prom queen or anything like that?
24:07No, no.
24:08She missed the prom, too, for her own unique Las Vegas reasons that did not involve the clarinet.
24:13Right, right, right.
24:14By the way, but...
24:16She was here.
24:17I did find that we had quite a few weird things in common growing up in Las Vegas.
24:21No, y'all definitely Las Vegas-ed out on the show.
24:24It was like a tale of two Las Vegases happening.
24:26Yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:27It was the funniest thing ever.
24:28I was at home crying, laughing.
24:30Yeah, there are not...
24:31But she also told me that you haven't read the book, and she thinks you haven't read the book.
24:36I did read the book after she told everybody on your show I hadn't read the book.
24:40Okay, good.
24:41I was at home, and I was like, she's right.
24:44I should read the book.
24:46No, no, I read the book.
24:47I just had a rule.
24:48I didn't want to read it until it was out.
24:50Uh-huh.
24:50Because I didn't want to feel like...
24:51I didn't want her to feel like I was reading over her shoulder.
24:54I wanted my wife to tell her true, authentic story, and boy, did she tell her story.
24:58She did, she did.
24:59In hindsight, perhaps I should have done a little shoulder reading.
25:02Well, I'm impressed by how honest she is.
25:05I mean, it really takes a lot of courage to be as honest as she was.
25:09You don't have to ask her how you look.
25:11Yeah.
25:11That's the problem with Mary, in that honesty.
25:13I have to look at her somewhere and go, how do I look today?
25:14And she goes, like, absolute ass.
25:19Maybe you can use a little bit of lying in that situation.
25:22Are you a Star Wars guy?
25:24I love a little Star Wars.
25:25Uh-huh.
25:26May the fourth be with us all today.
25:27Yeah, may it be.
25:29A word to Yoda's ears.
25:32I had a guy when I was in jail, he called me Jabba the Hutt one time.
25:37And when that happens, you have to fight him, because that's how jail works.
25:40Yeah.
25:41But afterwards, one day, that's sad but real.
25:43But afterwards, I was writing a song one day for the unit, asked me to write a song about a
25:47guard we didn't like.
25:48And I wrote a mean song about him.
25:49And the guy came down after I sung the song, and he announced to the whole unit, he said, I
25:53have so much respect for Jelly Roll now, I will call him Jabba the Genius.
25:58And when I tell you, there is still dudes in prison right now that look at me on TV.
26:02They're watching this show right now, like, dude, Jabba the Genius, bro.
26:05Jimmy, tell me right now.
26:07Jelly Roll, everybody.
26:17All right, here we are back with Jelly Roll, who is, among your many, many projects, hosting the Beautifully Broken
26:26Comedy Night here in Los Angeles, part of the Netflix is a Joke Festival at the Greek Theater.
26:32That's, you'll be on, who's on the bill with you?
26:34Dude, it's me, and it's Andrew Schultz officially, and we've got a lot of friends popping out that I don't
26:39think we're allowed to announce.
26:40Oh, okay.
26:40You know it is Netflix is a Joke Comedy Festival in L.A. this week.
26:44Every comedian on earth is here all over town.
26:47You can throw a rock and hit one, go out, find a local comedy club, try to get in, it's
26:50gonna be a circus everywhere, and then meet me at the Greek Theater Friday.
26:53Have you been working on your material, your set, or anything like that?
26:57I have, dude, I have.
26:58I went to Zaney's in Nashville, I'm sure you're familiar with the room, and Schultz brought me up the first
27:03night to try it with him.
27:04And I'm glad he let me try it with him, because I did what I thought was seven minutes of
27:08material in like 44 seconds.
27:13It was so bad.
27:15It was so bad, Jimmy.
27:17And I was like, what do I do for the next four minutes?
27:20And Andrew luckily was sitting there with me, and Schultz was like, you just let me tell jokes, and I'll
27:24help you.
27:24And I was like, thank you.
27:24I see. So you and Andrew will be on stage together?
27:26Hopefully. I went and tried it by myself after that.
27:29And then I might have got a little too high, because I did 40 seconds of material in seven minutes.
27:34Okay.
27:34You know what I'm saying? So I'm working on my pacing. If you got any advice, I could use it.
27:39I think just split the difference, you'll be good. Yeah, right.
27:42I'm close, right?
27:43Why do you think it is that I find that every musician wants to be a comedian, and every comedian
27:49wants to be a musician?
27:50Cue the clarinet pitcher again, y'all.
27:55I was thinking about it. It makes sense why you played the saxophone with Coldplay.
27:58It was a clarinet.
27:59Was that a clarinet?
28:00Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wish it was a saxophone. Things would be very different for me right now.
28:06No, I think, um, I think music and comedy are one of the last frontiers of not only free speech,
28:14but of people being able to just be free.
28:16And I think that's why music and comedy, that's why our friendship exists, right? You know?
28:22Yeah, there's a lot of crossover there.
28:23There's a lot of crossover there.
28:25I have met so many comedians that know so much more about music than I would have ever anticipated.
28:30And I have met, I haven't met a country music singer that doesn't think he's got five minutes of just
28:35absolute killer material.
28:36Oh, yeah. You know what I mean?
28:37Who's the funniest musician you know?
28:38Dude, that's a great question. There's a songwriter in town named Ernest that is, like, knee-slapping.
28:44Really? Ernest? What's his last name?
28:46Dude, that's the best part. He just goes by Ernest.
28:48They should show you his personality. His name is just Ernest, and he is next, next-level funny.
28:53I'm trying to think about who else is like.
28:55Is he as funny as the original Ernest who went to camp?
28:58Yeah, no. No, that Ernest is a legend.
29:01Yeah, yeah.
29:01It takes a lot of crystal meth to be that funny.
29:06You have, what, three tours going on this summer?
29:09I do, yes, sir.
29:10You've got, of course, you and Post Malone. Now, is that postponed or is that happening?
29:15No, it's happening, dude. Me and Post are live.
29:17Okay.
29:17He moved the first five shows to the back end of the tour because he's finishing his album, but we're
29:22doing the big-ass stadium tour.
29:22That's the big-ass stadium tour.
29:24Yes, Jelly Roll, Post Malone, come see us in a stadium.
29:26And that's it. That sounds like a fun show.
29:28And then, while that's happening, or before that's happening, you've got the little-ass shed tour.
29:36Yeah! How cool is that? See, Jelly Roll can only play big-ass stadiums with Post Malone.
29:42When Jelly Roll's alone, he has to play little-ass sheds.
29:44So I'm going to excitedly play my little-ass sheds in between Post Malone and big-ass stadiums.
29:49I bet the little-ass sheds are even more fun than that.
29:52They're a ball.
29:53You've got a special friend on that poster. See that? That is your cow, right?
29:58Yes. Well, that's my wife's cow.
30:00Your wife's cow.
30:01Yeah, just, that's a possessional thing. You're married. You understand?
30:03What's this cow's name?
30:04This cow's name is Crunch.
30:06Crunch.
30:07Listen, dude, if y'all don't follow Crunch on TikTok, you're missing out. Crunch is like, this cow is special.
30:13How-is this the maximum size, or is this-
30:15No, this is as big as it gets, but dude, that cow's 500-something pounds.
30:18No.
30:19I used to be 500-something pounds. I'm telling you, dude.
30:21Really? It's perspective.
30:22And my wife has turned it into a puppy.
30:24It lays in her lap.
30:26My wife lays with this bull in her lap and pets it.
30:29She cuts its bangs out of its eyes, because it's kind of got the emo haircut.
30:32And she cuts the bangs out, cuts the cow's bangs.
30:35So she has a type.
30:36Yeah, for sure.
30:44That is the cutest cow I've ever seen.
30:48They're fat and emotional.
30:49Killer.
30:50You were inducted into the Grand Ole Opry, which is a big, big deal.
30:56Huge deal.
30:57You were nominated for ACM Entertainer of the Year.
31:00Yes, sir.
31:01And what did you do with the three Grammys that you won?
31:05I just got them.
31:05They got there.
31:06I've been tracking those things like an Uber Eats order.
31:09Really?
31:09I'm literally, I might not ever get nominated for a Grammy again.
31:12I've been emailing and calling people.
31:14I think somebody blocked me over there, finally.
31:16I've been harassing the Grammy.
31:17Yeah, because they mail it.
31:18So you hold it up and they take it right away from you, right?
31:21Well, when you grow up like I did, your mindset is, until it gets to my house, they could take
31:25it from me.
31:25Right.
31:26And then once it gets to my house, they've got to kill me for it.
31:28You know what I'm saying?
31:29I just needed to get to the house.
31:30So it just got to the house.
31:32And my plan is, we're not allowed to give them away.
31:35We're allowed to loan them.
31:36And I want to loan mine, one of mine, to the local juvenile that I was in whenever I was
31:41a kid.
31:41And I think it'll inspire them.
31:42Oh, wow.
31:43Oh, that's great.
31:45And that will give the kids some inspiration.
31:47I know it sounds crazy, but I have a dream that that Grammy, before it comes back to my house,
31:52will touch every juvenile, every jail, and every rehab in the state of Tennessee.
31:56And it will inspire people.
31:58It's very, very good to see you.
32:00I hope you have fun at the show.
32:01I love the show.
32:02The Beautifully Broken Comedy Night, Friday night, the Greek Theater, right here in L.A.
32:07You can get tickets at netflixisajokefest.com.
32:10Jelly Roll, everybody.
32:12We'll be back with The Full Wire.
32:26This week on Jimmy Kimmel Live,
32:28Steve Carell,
32:30Mike Tyson,
32:31Asa Gonzalez,
32:33Katrina Balfe,
32:34and John Mulaney.
32:36Plus music from Social Distortion and Avid Patton.
32:43We'll be back.
32:45We'll be back.
32:46That's Laura Smith and Bella Hicks sitting in with the Cletones.
32:50Our next guest is a very funny person you know from television and can see live at the Netflixes
32:55at Jokefest tomorrow at the Dynasty Typewriter
32:58here in Los Angeles.
32:59Please welcome Nicole Byer.
33:19How are you?
33:20I'm good.
33:21How are you?
33:22I'm good.
33:23I'm doing good.
33:23I'm doing good.
33:24And thank you for filling in for me also over the summer.
33:27You actually were a little guest host, didn't you?
33:28I had such a nice time.
33:30And did you know it pays more than being a guest?
33:32Yeah, I did know that.
33:34Yes, I did know that.
33:35Nice little bump.
33:37And thank you also for not destroying
33:39any of the key furniture here on the show.
33:42Oh, yeah, yeah.
33:42No worries.
33:43We appreciate that, too.
33:44How are you doing?
33:45How's everything?
33:45I heard you just were in your hometown, huh?
33:48No, I wasn't in my hometown, but I was in Chicago.
33:50That's where my family lives, but not where I grew up.
33:52It's complicated and boring.
33:55OK.
33:55Oh, wait.
33:56No, you're talking about Jersey.
33:57Jersey, yeah.
33:57Oh, that's fun.
33:58Yes, I was in my hometown.
34:00Oh, OK.
34:01Were you up on the...
34:02Look at this dizzy bitch.
34:03Were you up on the...
34:03My God.
34:04Were you on the roof with Jelly Roll?
34:08Do you know what?
34:09I smelled it, and it might have gotten to my head.
34:12No, but you're absolutely right.
34:14I went to Jersey.
34:15Uh-huh.
34:15I went to go visit my old high school.
34:17Yeah, that's what I heard.
34:19That's...
34:19Yes.
34:19Was that fun?
34:20It was so much fun.
34:21I went because in high school, they had spicy chicken, and...
34:27That's why you went?
34:28Yeah.
34:29Yes, I wanted to eat the spicy chicken from my high school.
34:33Oh, was this something you loved in high school?
34:35Yes, and I was like, I have to get it.
34:37So I contacted the school.
34:39They were like, we don't have it on the menu anymore.
34:41And I was like, don't you know who I am?
34:43Cook it up.
34:44And then...
34:45Hold on.
34:46Can I just take a couple of steps back?
34:48Oh, sure.
34:49When did you have this thought about the spicy chicken?
34:52Is this something that's been bubbling for a while?
34:54Or just like something that hit you, and you said,
34:57I got to contact these people and get there?
34:59Well, as a fat, I just keep the memory of, like,
35:05delicious food with me always.
35:07I see.
35:08Believe me, I understand.
35:09Right?
35:10And I woke up on a Tuesday, and I said,
35:12ooh, remember that chicken?
35:13I want it.
35:14And then I was talking to my best friend, Sashir.
35:17We were doing our podcast, and she was like,
35:19we should go get the chicken.
35:21And I was like, let's get that chicken.
35:24And then they didn't have the chicken.
35:26It was, right?
35:27Someone said, oh, there's another fat in the crowd
35:29who was like, ooh, girl, that did hurt.
35:31And it did.
35:32It's disappointing.
35:33It really was.
35:34Yeah.
35:34But my guidance counselor,
35:36who was my guidance counselor when I was in high school,
35:39I still talked to her.
35:39She was like, well, since you're here,
35:41do you want to talk to the theater kids?
35:43And I was like, oh, OK.
35:45But can I have something from the cafeteria?
35:48And nobody would feed me.
35:50Why?
35:51I don't know.
35:53I got there at noon, and lunch was done.
35:55And I was like, what the f***?
35:57It's noon.
35:58You know, it's not exactly like a restaurant.
36:00It's not like they're whipping stuff up back there.
36:02It's like, what they do is they make 80,000
36:05of those chicken sandwiches at, like, a local prison.
36:08And then they ship them over to the school.
36:10And then they stick them in the microwave.
36:12And then the kids eat.
36:13And then that's it.
36:14I didn't get to eat.
36:16And it wasn't it.
36:16Yeah.
36:17No, that's disappointing.
36:18I was so upset.
36:18Don't you think, though, if you had had it,
36:20it would not have matched your memory?
36:22You would have went like, ooh,
36:23that wasn't as good as I remember.
36:26No.
36:28No.
36:28Because every time I go to Chili's,
36:30I'm like, oh, them Southwestern egg rolls hit.
36:33They're good.
36:34See?
36:34People know.
36:35No, they're good.
36:36Uh-huh.
36:36OK.
36:37Now, as far as the kids go, the students go,
36:39were they excited to see you there?
36:41You know, some were.
36:43Uh-huh.
36:43Some were.
36:44I get humbled a lot.
36:45Uh-huh.
36:45Um, yeah.
36:48Also, the children are looking old.
36:50No?
36:52They are.
36:52They are.
36:53I was walking around, and I was like, mm,
36:55I look better.
36:56Like, do you know what I mean?
36:58Mm-hmm.
36:59Like, they're looking old.
37:01Yeah, yeah, we have a high school right across the street,
37:04and sometimes I'm driving, I go, what are you kids wearing?
37:06Truly, what are you wearing?
37:08What are you drinking?
37:09What is the skin care regimen?
37:11There isn't one.
37:12I think that's where, no, I don't know about that.
37:14I'm noticing that a lot of the kids
37:16have skin care regimens, which is not something that ever
37:21happened when I was a kid.
37:23And still, for me, doesn't.
37:24Like, I'll put body lotion sometimes on my face,
37:27and my wife screams at me as if I'm rubbing peanut butter
37:30all over my head.
37:31I was like, what are you putting that on there for?
37:33I don't know.
37:34It says lotion on the thing.
37:35You know what?
37:36Maybe there's something to that.
37:38Because I used to, like, sleep in my makeup, wake up,
37:40and be like, OK, we're going.
37:42So, and then I didn't do any skin care until later.
37:45So maybe that's the key to good skin.
37:46Really on your face, and then later try to correct it.
37:51Out of mind.
37:51Did you stay?
37:52Where'd you stay, like, with relatives
37:53when you were back there?
37:55No, I stayed, OK, so I wanted to go to the Poconos
37:58to stay at this hotel that has a champagne fluted tub.
38:03It's raised up?
38:04Yes, raised up.
38:05And it's for, like, couples.
38:07And so Shira, my best friend, was like,
38:09I found one in New Jersey.
38:10It's not like the Poconos, but it's in Jersey.
38:12And I said, OK, we went to a sex hotel.
38:17This woman took me to a sex hotel.
38:19There, I walked up to this champagne fluted tub,
38:23and there was a bath mat.
38:25And when I stepped on it, I said, that's paper, Maury.
38:27What are we doing?
38:28That's paper.
38:30It disintegrated when my wet feet got onto it.
38:33It's so funny.
38:34Yes, a paper bath mat is perhaps the worst sign.
38:37Yes.
38:37The only thing worse than a paper bath mat
38:39is gnome bath mat at all.
38:41Yes.
38:42But also, it smelled like they were cleaning up a murder, OK?
38:46Like, there was, it was such an overwhelming bleach smell.
38:49Oh, yeah.
38:50And I was like, either a murder or, like, I don't know,
38:53someone all over the walls or something.
38:55And they had to, like, shellac it off.
38:57That's best case scenario.
38:58Truly, best case, you know?
39:03Bleach is, bleach is one of those things where you're like,
39:05oh, my god, this place is all bleach.
39:08And they're like, oh, thank god this place is bleach.
39:10Yes.
39:11Real mixed feelings about bleach.
39:13And there was, they only had, like, three towels.
39:16They were like, you're not up these towels,
39:18because they only gave us three.
39:20There was an itty bitty little couch,
39:21because they're like, you didn't come here to sit.
39:23And then there was a very uncomfortable bed,
39:28because they were like, you didn't come to sleep.
39:31And then there was people playing house music until 3 AM.
39:35And I was like, house music?
39:37How was I getting anybody in the mood?
39:39There was probably, like, a woman in the room being like,
39:41oh, my god, you got to stop.
39:44Maybe they were in the room.
39:45They're like, I wish I was in a house.
39:48I wish I was at home.
39:50You are, you're doing this show.
39:52You're part of this Netflix is a Joke festival.
39:55You've got to show it a place called Dynasty Typewriter.
39:57Yes, tomorrow.
39:57Which is a weird name for a building.
39:59It is, but hey, who am I to judge?
40:01No, yeah, no, it's kind of a fun name for the building.
40:03It seems like a fun venue, right?
40:05Yeah, I like it.
40:05Are you by yourself on stage?
40:07Nope, I'm going to have guests.
40:08Who are you guests, can you say?
40:09I'm not telling.
40:10They asked me not to.
40:12Why is everything a secret?
40:13Like, I know all the guests Jelly Roll has on his thing,
40:17and then I couldn't say whatever.
40:18Should I just say who's on his?
40:20Yeah, say who's on his, so people
40:22come to my show and they're like, wait, what?
40:24Maybe they're the same people, I don't know.
40:27Probably not, he's very famous.
40:29Well, they could be, but you know all the comics.
40:31I mean, I bet you know every comic that's on his list there.
40:35It doesn't matter, we won't say, all right,
40:37it'll be a surprise, why ruin the surprise for people?
40:39But this is fun, right?
40:41Yeah, I love performing, I love making people laugh.
40:44Netflix is a joke, it's a huge festival,
40:46so like, who doesn't want to be a part of it?
40:48The hotel you're in, does it have a bath mat on the ground,
40:51or are you at home?
40:52I'm at home, but I decided to just use printer paper
40:55and just step on that to reminisce about that sex motel.
41:00Also, Jimmy, people checked in at like 3 AM.
41:03It was the wildest place I've ever been in my whole, yes.
41:06Oh, they checked in at 3 AM?
41:07They were checking in at 3 AM.
41:09I was like, oh, a quick back on the road?
41:11What are we doing?
41:11Yeah, well, that's why they had all the bleach.
41:16You think twice, next time you stay at the Clorox Hotel, right?
41:19No, I'm going to stay and have fun.
41:21All right, all right, well, it's very good to see you.
41:23It's nice to see you.
41:23Have fun on, uh, tomorrow night, Netflix is a joke fest.
41:28The Dynasty typewriter, right here in Los Angeles, California,
41:31you can see Nicole Byer and mystery friends live.
41:40Well, that was fun, thanks to Jelly Roll and Nicole Byer.
41:44Apologies to Matt Damon, Rihanna, the time for him.
41:47Join us tomorrow night with John Mulaney and Aza Gonzalez.
41:50Nightline is next.
41:52Good night.
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