- 6 hours ago
Bait - Season 1 - Episode 02: To Troll, To Provoke
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00:08Shah Latif welcome to Sir Chatterick Stewart with me Sir Patrick Stewart it's an honor to be here
00:15the honor is all mine I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast but few who've
00:22had such an eventful 24 hours it's been a wild ride already that's for sure now I know a bond
00:28or two Daniel Craig's a dear friend big shoes to fill do you think you're up to the job yes
00:37yes I do
00:40now more than ever I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes
00:51yeah Nigel Murray how are you thank God yeah good yeah good at least she tells me you do security
00:56for all the top wankers yeah I'm always happy to take on a few up-and-coming wankers as well
01:02right yeah do you do personal because I might have an event tonight yeah maybe do the full service even
01:08got a food taster if you need one tell you what let's have a look in the house and we
01:12can talk
01:12about that afterwards yeah so houses two points of entry hostile object into the front bay window
01:18those and the doors may need reinforcing and I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence along the
01:23perimeter if you have the bodies 60 friendlies expected tomorrow oh you really know your stuff
01:28well I played the translator in homeland season seven yes yes yes you did they got a lot of shit
01:34wrong on that show come on okay all right so you're uh your guests are for ideal fit here I
01:39presume yeah
01:40yeah okay yeah yeah just wanna make sure everyone feels safe yeah sure I might make more sense for
01:48you to start off upstairs I know it's harder to defend a position at higher altitude isn't it yeah
01:52okay well I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs yeah do you agree you can't really act this role
01:57part of you has to be it absolutely absolutely yeah yeah luckily I'm already very experienced at
02:07navigating attacks of various kinds whether in the public eye or on the home front as it were
02:14yep you just got no Mandarin Oriental so thank you for sorting out Felicia I'll speak to you later
02:19about the collar all right bye what are you showing me right now it's a hotel okay they do free
02:23stays
02:23for celebs that like Michelle Yeo digga Dee fucking Northwest Nanny and bro your followers are blowing up
02:30okay it's a five-star safe house all of us one week is free obviously minus my costs but yeah
02:36we're
02:37not going to a hotel I'm dealing with it I'm not gonna get anything happen to you you don't need
02:42to
02:42be afraid I'm not afraid talking about man what the fuck's all this what does it look like security
02:57because I told you that I had security sorted so chill your pum pum out learn from that man it's
03:02not
03:02a fucking movie yeah is it are you gonna ask me you got these from police Allah provides bro does
03:10he
03:10yes even by discount rate Mujahideen as well I know these guys were the too thick to make it into
03:14Isis
03:15which Isis Isis K Isis L OG Isis they've got different standards I've heard they're only PhDs do they
03:26they're hard as fuck and they're committed takbir I'm not trying to start a madrasa yeah I just trying
03:32to bring in some real actual protection if you could just listen to me for once if I want your
03:36fucking protection I'll ask for your extra small condoms you like that one don't you tiny lonely
03:41yeah stop pressing me cuz I'm going chat to Abba we have to discuss this what are you doing
03:51any fucking bag of one could just walk in that's because you've taken off the back door that's why I've
03:55hired a
03:56professional I professional I'm not doubting that I'm just if you let me do it then it'll be better
04:00for everyone Sean Connery to the rescue is it how do you understand sure sure better shall you better
04:07be a Janu and help me take this to the car 60 people's a lot for Reed your mommy needs
04:14my help
04:18what are you doing chill mommy bastard you chill 20 fucking years she's been trying to steal Eid
04:26already bringing a country smelling kebabs well I like kebabs
04:35it's a joint effort not just doing my part it's a no no you have done already so much
04:39shaju take the pots inside why are you giving Naila any more work it's nothing Daira
04:44I was telling you I could be doing so much more
04:48yesterday sadly it's no longer safe here now why not move into my house
04:52who's not safe okay everybody stop can you stop please Baba Baba can you just come here please
04:58can you stop the work everyone right let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan
05:01this is your plan yeah what huh outsourcing our protection that is free Mace and nonce I'm not
05:06a nonce should have gone to the hotel Nigel's here to help secure the the house
05:11house won't be ready food won't be ready Naila Naila please shaju sorry guys the
05:16prophet please be upon him exactly exactly he said it best when he said trust in Allah but tie up
05:23your camel my guy he knows his stuff you gotta hand it to him I just want to say that
05:29holy days
05:30like this are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors so perhaps you should think about moving
05:34your Eid celebrations to a different location hey Bencho chup one layover in Dubai thinks he knows a
05:39business corner now I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture especially after six tours of
05:43Afghanistan so you're working on the beauty care hey you don't need khatrabah was wadha diya
05:51Naila ji how map ke paas hain ke karlikin manana please please a kucho kia toum tum ziminari
05:57lowgi kya tiki naila ji but I didn't but mummy lovely to meet the family colorful lot and I really
06:11get
06:12after it and your uh your brother he's seems nice he's not my brother he's my cousin but he was
06:18raised with us okay complicated all right well look this is for you as you quote although i
06:25would be willing to postpone payment you know in consideration of the future work because if my
06:32internet searches are correct then you will be needing our services a lot more in the future
06:36oh well let's um see what happens um it's really reasonable could you just leave it with me i'm
06:41getting a few different quotes in that's fine okay oh so did you want me to uh provide a personal
06:45for tonight i can send one of my best guys what are you doing you asked me to do security
06:49now for
06:50tonight i did him yeah so well we needed thank you for coming by yeah no absolute pleasure yeah well
06:58oh by the way those stolen dash cams the uh battery life is so bring a charger all right you
07:04can have
07:04that for free cheers migel why are you wasting your money on these render fits bro i've had your back
07:20since day
07:21uh did you go into this gala tonight on your own or
07:28i've got a plus one is it
07:32you got any shoes on trainers can i range it oh get ready you fucker
08:02wait that is a proper go fuck out there it's a good job i came to babysit you
08:05ah bro you might be taking care of the muscle but i'm winning over the hearts of minds yeah
08:11what when you're in the middle of a culture war that's the real battleground big man how are you
08:14gonna fucking battle them with your horny makeup face what you know the face that you do when you're
08:19on the red carpet it looks like you're trying to shag that camera but you're worried the camera's
08:22gonna shag you no i'm not don't put that in my head right now you're gonna put me off okay
08:26for
08:27confirmation because what is that yeah what man i look good there you look like you're making a pervy
08:31version of fucking planet earth all right let me just see something rajtaka mother fucker is all
08:38right all right don't jizz on my level seats you can't afford a cleaning fee okay listen let's just go
08:41there and smash it all right but we are already fucking smashing it okay we are arriving in the
08:46muba prime experience look at this halal harry bows custom specifically branded zamzam water your little
08:52mini dildo on the dashboard cuz look at me we are arriving like this is fast and furious but without
08:57the four skins you understand come on let's get it cuz yes yeah you ready yes okay yeah come on
09:05don't
09:05do that on the red carpet i can't guarantee it there's a lot of excitement but also some
09:23displeasure at the idea of a gujarati playing pond proving those voices wrong has been my life's
09:29mission how so oh it's why i want the role it's why i'm here speaking to you is that why
09:36you wanted
09:36to make a speech at the king's museum gala exactly to show people that this is what a hero can
09:43look
09:43like to show them that this too is what british looks like hey yo listen i support the team i
09:54support
09:54the team but when you finish tonight please get home with mobile okay that's for you sorry there's no
09:59uh service in your area i'm turkish you're turkish then there's service in your area thank you excuse me
10:04sister no mc rickshaw mate can i get a pick you want a pick i'll kill you next week hey
10:15yo cuz cuz come
10:16and get a picture with your one and only fan come on oi bro you ignoring me bro we gotta
10:21go man why
10:22you going in there man so now you should be out here with us hey yo yo yo it's really
10:29the photo
10:29with you what's the problem bro if i get a photo take with them law it's not it's not the
10:33right image
10:34i'm going for right now all right the real change happens in there we gotta get in there
10:40listen i know you think you're his majesty's secret service or something yeah but don't go full
10:43coconut pussy all on me tonight oh yeah then don't go into father fuck boy on me then you want
10:48to respect
10:49my guy keep it real okay why don't you respect this watch and learn
10:56you're doing it again i'm not doing the face you're doing you do the face all right let me show
10:59you
11:01nah you know what that is you look like a paedophile gerbil bro there's cameras why would you say
11:06paedophile because they don't have sound it's full of tea hi so happy really i'm so glad to be here
11:12thank you this is my associate my girl much can learn um can i ask um who i might speak
11:18to about
11:18my speech this evening oh we don't have you done us doing a speech oh i think it's because i'm
11:23a last
11:23a last minute addition so well vivian newhouse i suppose yeah she's our new director okay oh i i'm
11:31guessing i have a plus one ah mr zulfika ali ceo of move enterprises i just think it should be
11:38like
11:38an official record i'm here tonight so thank you because where the have you brought us man this
11:45looks like the jaws ball sack you're from humble beginnings like me so how is your family dealing
11:52with all this the same way we deal with everything it's a team together i'm proud to say that we've
11:58all
11:59got each other's backs bro this is mad yeah i told you bro i've got stuff cooking oh assalamualaikum
12:05alaikum sorry all right you gotta find this vivian yeah yeah no point in me being here if i can't
12:16get on stage yeah she's museum director yeah my god the fuck are you bro some ego bro look at
12:23this
12:23one all right listen now i'm gonna go work on you should we tag team her what not like that
12:29i mean like convince her together like good packy bad packy what would that be like oh like good cop
12:35bad cop i've got package i've got this one covered yeah you sure yeah yeah yeah in a bit i'll
12:42be here
12:44sing let me tell you about this
12:55i'm vivian charlatteev oh yes of course mr latif um i wonder if i could borrow you for a moment
13:01no
13:01absolutely although anything borrowed has to be given back now apparently what can i do for you
13:06miss latif i was actually wondering what i might be able to do for you there's nobody like muslims that
13:11can get you to where you need to be on time but we are on time for prayers five times
13:14a day if you
13:15call me zulfi can you get me to where i need to go i'll get you there this museum means
13:20a great deal
13:21to me and i saw you had a number of protesters outside yes and it thrills me to see young
13:26people
13:26engaging in a conversation about our shared heritage and culture in fact we invite this kind of dialogue
13:32is it a dialogue though if you don't have an ambassador of sorts to help bridge the divide between
13:37those on the inside and those out there who's your name ali razza ali razza i'm feeling the iran yes
13:43yeah a bit of farsi my guy come on this we could be in that region i for one would
13:48be honored to get
13:49up there and say a few words about may i about how i'm global britain truly is both in its
13:54artifacts and
13:54its people well you know i'm an ape indian i did not wow what about yourself where are you from
14:00london
14:01you're from london you sound originally from london but i understand your latest acquisition is is from
14:08a muslim country yes but treasures like the one we're unveiling tonight don't just belong to islam
14:13they belong to us all so i can go up and say a few words i'll be very brief no
14:18miss latif that's simply
14:20not how we do things around here this isn't a pop-up banksy exhibit besides we already have our dear
14:24friend raj takar giving a speech enjoy your evening and now to the more uncomfortable part of our chat
14:40you didn't think this was going to be all softballs did you raj takar your rival i wouldn't call him
14:47come on come on you can be honest i can't be in the same room as ian magneto mckellen oh
14:54sorry sir
14:56ian magneto mckellen i just think that there's plenty of room for all of us at the top oh please
15:03a day ago you were the only brown bloke up for the job and now there are two and word
15:08on the web is he'd
15:10make a better bond yeah well i don't really pay attention to what people say about me it's just not
15:14in my nature you should old chap he's a bigger name with a bigger fan base and i dare say
15:20he's
15:21thought of as a better actor that's subjective cut the camel shit latif you couldn't even convince
15:29that museum director to let you speak how do you expect to convince the world that you can be bond
15:35you don't stand a chance in a horse pajamas do you you pussy hole he needs to go on the
15:42dishes you push can
15:47no use being angry with me you only have yourself to blame i'm trying try harder do you understand
16:00here he is hey hey i love this man i haven't seen you in a minute bro yeah when was
16:06the last time i
16:06saw you um mango tree premiere yeah yeah yeah thank you for coming man you were so good in that
16:12thank you
16:12did you guys see that under the mango tree so it's about this magical mango tree this white woman eats
16:18a
16:18mango she travels back in time to colonial india falls in love with this indian guy and they have this
16:23relationship over space and time it's about how love's timeless and crosses all sorts of boundaries
16:29i don't know why i didn't connect more actually can i where are you for yeah yeah just for yeah
16:34thanks a lot um you look incredible by the way and very very smart getting photographed in the tugs
16:40and holding that drink it's uh just here to support one of our nation's most important cultural
16:44institutions um just the one thing's got people going mental hasn't it yeah people are passionate
16:52man it's just um that the hate though i hate is it's a it's a lot right i know you're
16:57probably
16:57i mean probably getting a lot of that too not really nothing to cry about just gotta stay grateful
17:05people are busting their asses at dead-end jobs just to put food on the table we live in the
17:10dream
17:10yeah yeah there we are yeah hate's a small price to pay it is it's just some psycho sent a
17:15pig's head
17:16to my mom's house are you serious yeah you know that's actually why i'm here um i want to show
17:23them
17:24that no amount of hate is going to make me hide and actually if this museum can house treasures from
17:30all around the world and this country has to take in people from all around the world am i right
17:34yeah
17:34preach bro i just want to make a statement showing that this this too is what british looks like i
17:41love the passion man i'm so glad you said that because i heard that you're speaking later and i
17:45was thinking maybe we could tag team it yeah that's a great idea yeah you've got something important to
17:50say i want to be a part of that yeah i'll tell you what why don't i go up first
17:54and then i'll bring you
17:55up i would love that thank you my brother i love that man of course i really appreciate it there
18:00you are
18:01hey i know you oh this is my security guy the muba guy yeah i overheard you chatting about it
18:06earlier
18:06i love the concept thank you brother are you muslim aren't we all a little yeah have you got a
18:13card
18:13i'll spread the word nice yeah okay i gotta go that's my mom you brought your mom yeah yeah yeah
18:22yeah i wouldn't be here without her so shouldn't be here without her you know it's all thicker that's
18:27me best to me good cement yeah you too he is either the sweetest twat i've ever met or the
18:36thickest
18:37twat you're a thick twat what security guy that's all i'm doing you literally told me to bring you
18:45here as security why are you getting cranky oh you haven't broken fast huh no i haven't of course
18:50i'm hungry man don't eat a canapé champagne just have a little canapé bro just have a little
18:56something to eat nothing here is halal none of the little things the big things none of it have
19:00some halloumi halloumi halloumi is not israeli that's what they want you to think it's an arabic
19:04cheese prove it to me google it you know i don't use google thank you too kind good evening in
19:182001
19:20we watched in horror as taliban fanatics laid waste to a once great nation's cultural heritage
19:27we wept as monuments to peace were turned to rubble but tonight we write this wrong after a nine-year
19:3715 million pound restoration project it is my honor to present to you tonight the restored buddha of bamian
20:01and now an extra special treat it is with great enthusiasm that i invite tonight's guest speaker
20:08to the stage the most gentleman of vampire hunter i've ever had the pleasure of meeting raj dhaka
20:21it's an honor to be here i mean
20:26wow this museum is home to artifacts from around the globe and so it should follow that england too
20:33is home to people from those same places now tonight is a celebration but i would like
20:39to speak with you all about my experiences as an englishman and as a person of color recently racist
20:48hate took the form of a severed pig's head delivered to my family's doorstep
20:58it was horrific there was blood everywhere my mother was left traumatized mummy i'm sorry
21:07but no amount of hate will make me hide those driven by prejudice
21:14they need to see us in these spaces
21:19and because this too is what british looks like
21:25thank you thank you thank you who's missing the teeth you have a situation the man claiming to be
21:34your brother has been harassing and uh racially profiling museum guests
21:39they're really doing very special work um oh and uh charlatief wanted to say something too i'm about to go
21:46go on man sure otherwise we're gonna have to escort him off the premises immediately i don't know
22:09so let's talk about your big moment the speech that never was a silky bit of spycraft from
22:17thacker he's clearly made for the role not to mention he can get the bleeding lines out
22:26nine i can do better i can can you now let's see i also had a pig's head sent to
22:35my for himself
22:38i am nice one dickhead you're more frozen than me but it's not your acting that's the problem is it
22:48it's who you are you don't have the balls to be bond
22:54shut up hey yo cut come on me you want an only fan you turned your back on your own
23:00fans
23:00man slow down you turned your back on your own family
23:05get the fuck off me bro
23:08face it people like you are never the heroes of the story you'll always just be a scared little packy
23:23send him back where he came from
23:30cry
23:32cry
23:36cry
23:38cry
23:38cry
23:39cry
23:44Oh!
23:45Oh!
23:47Oh!
23:49Oh!
23:50Oh!
23:50Oh!
23:57Yeah?
24:01You OK?
24:03Yeah, are you?
24:04What were you doing?
24:06Nothing.
24:07What were you doing?
24:08Nothing, bro.
24:09It's 2am.
24:09Were you talking to someone or what?
24:12Oh!
24:13Sorry, mate.
24:14I was just running late.
24:15In a suit?
24:16Costume in it.
24:18Yeah, well, the moon's been sighted, so...
24:22Eid Mubarak.
24:23Yeah.
24:25Na-na, you weirdo.
24:30Eid Mubarak, bitch!
24:33You lost all the time to be.
24:36Yeah.
24:48Will you go...
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