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8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown - 2022 Christmas Special - 23 December 2022 [Full Movie] [New Drama]Full EP - Full
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00:30Tonight, on the 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas Specials, Chad Richardson, Lee Mack, Jack Dean, Rose Matafeo,
00:45Stevie Martin, Suzy Dent, Rachel Riley, and your host, Jim T. Carl.
00:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:58Hello and welcome to the 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas Specials, a show about letters, numbers, conundrums
01:04and Christmas!
01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:08OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up, it's team captain John Richardson.
01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:16Christmas can be dangerous for John. Last year we had eight inches of snow and we nearly lost him.
01:21LAUGHTER
01:23It's not true, it was a very mild Christmas.
01:26LAUGHTER
01:26Don't mind the gag about me being short, but get the weather right.
01:29LAUGHTER
01:30And joining John tonight is Jack Dee!
01:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:35Jack Dee has the look of a kid who wanted a PlayStation and has just unwrapped a turd.
01:40LAUGHTER
01:41You bring back bad memories of my childhood when you say stuff like that.
01:45LAUGHTER
01:45Up against them this evening, it's guest, team captain Lee Mack.
01:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:09Rose is from New Zealand, which is, according to Google, 11,650 miles away.
02:14Got to admire that commitment, Rose. The furthest I go to avoid my family at Christmas is just to walk
02:18to the bottom of the garden.
02:19LAUGHTER
02:20That is roughly 11,000 miles, though, isn't it, your garden?
02:23LAUGHTER
02:25Lee, what have you been up to since we last saw you?
02:27Oh, you know, Jimmy, the usual, just letting me face age naturally, keeping me teeth a normal colour and not
02:32upsetting Netflix viewers.
02:33What have you been up to?
02:36LAUGHTER
02:41We're doing the quiz show on ITV, the 1% Club, which obviously tests intelligence.
02:46And someone watches it.
02:49We found it, Lee.
02:50We found it.
02:52What do you give away on the 1% Club? What's the biggest price?
02:54Up to £100,000.
02:55What's the most you've given away?
02:57Er, £48.
03:00We have given away almost £100.
03:02We're giving away 90-something, like 97 or something, yeah.
03:05Can I come on it?
03:06Er, not really, Jack, because, er, you're in entertainment.
03:08You're already a member of the 1% Club.
03:12Last Christmas, I could do a 97 grand.
03:14Pay my gas bill.
03:16LAUGHTER
03:17I would have thought you'd get a grant, Jack.
03:20LAUGHTER
03:20OK.
03:21Rose, you a big fan of Christmas?
03:22No, I hate it.
03:24I don't really like it.
03:25That got a really bad response in the room, actually.
03:27LAUGHTER
03:27Are you guys fans of Christmas?
03:29Woo!
03:30OK, that was 20 of you, actually.
03:32I think people in the audience are probably, you know,
03:34when you said, I'm not a big fan of Christmas,
03:35because it's, I think, if I'm not mistaken,
03:37Jesus is actually in the crowd.
03:38LAUGHTER
03:39Oh, my God.
03:40Oh, yeah.
03:41APPLAUSE
03:44Come on.
03:44Happy birthday to you!
03:48Happy birthday to you!
03:52Happy birthday, dear Jesus!
03:56Happy birthday to you!
04:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:052022 years old, he must have the same hair surgeon as you.
04:09LAUGHTER
04:11I like the fact we still have the camera trained on Jesus.
04:14LAUGHTER
04:15In case he performs a miracle.
04:17I think we'll be OK.
04:18Do I get paid?
04:19What do we...?
04:20Do I get paid?
04:20Typical Jesus.
04:21Typical...
04:23Typical Jesus.
04:24All right, Jack.
04:28All right, best and worst gift you've ever received?
04:30Gift?
04:31Yeah.
04:31Oh, my God.
04:32The worst present, I think, is those charity presents
04:35you ever get given...
04:36Ooh!
04:36You know when they...
04:37I got contacted by some TV production company,
04:40and they go,
04:41Oh, instead of presents this year,
04:44we've given you a goat,
04:46but we've sent it to a village in Africa.
04:49And I said,
04:50Well, thank you,
04:51but that's not where I live.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:54And it has a happy ending,
04:56because I went out to Africa with comic relief,
04:59and it so happens I went to the village where they sent the goat.
05:02Oh.
05:02And I did a, you know,
05:03a chat with them and everything,
05:04and found out how terrible things were.
05:07Erm,
05:07and at the end I was able to say,
05:08thank you for that,
05:10unfortunately,
05:11the goat,
05:12lucky,
05:12he's coming back with me,
05:14because...
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15Come on, off your goat.
05:16Yeah, yeah.
05:17He's mine.
05:19What's the best thing you ever got?
05:21I got given a shredder one year,
05:22which is good.
05:23Oh, I imagine you'd love a shredder.
05:25Yeah.
05:25I love a shredder.
05:25It's great for the cards,
05:27all the Christmas cards, straight in.
05:29LAUGHTER
05:29I just strap it to the letter box,
05:31and when the postman comes,
05:33they go straight in.
05:33Pfff!
05:34Into the shredder.
05:36Who has ever had a card from someone
05:38you have no idea who they are?
05:40Oh, yeah.
05:41Really?
05:41I send those.
05:44LAUGHTER
05:45It's my hobby,
05:46I like to do it before Christmas.
05:48Make up, I go,
05:49Dear Lee, Happy Christmas,
05:50love from Joan and Eric.
05:53LAUGHTER
05:53Well, that wouldn't work,
05:55cos Joan and Eric are my mum and dad.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:57Like you get a card from your mum and dad.
05:59I don't, actually, Jack,
06:00cos they're dead.
06:01Thanks for that.
06:02LAUGHTER
06:04Keep it light, keep it light, come on.
06:07Um...
06:07Lee, have you got a mascot?
06:09Yeah.
06:09What have you brought?
06:10I brought this,
06:11because I was at home thinking,
06:12what am I going to use as a mascot, you know?
06:15And I sat there this morning,
06:15and then it suddenly dawned on me.
06:17I looked in the corner of the room,
06:18and I looked on top of the Christmas tree,
06:20which was odd,
06:21because, er,
06:22despite the bullshit you're telling everyone,
06:23it is September the 5th.
06:26LAUGHTER
06:28LAUGHTER
06:32And I took...
06:34I took this little thing off the tree, like that.
06:36LAUGHTER
06:37And I thought to myself,
06:38that's the perfect lucky mascot for me,
06:40cos I've had that on my tree for 25, 30 years,
06:43and I think of all the luck I've had during that time,
06:45you know.
06:45In that time, I got married.
06:47Er, three lovely kids.
06:49Er, we got four,
06:50but one of them's a bit, you know.
06:52LAUGHTER
06:53I've, er...
06:54I've had a decent career,
06:55but I've worked with some of the greatest minds in television.
06:58Susie.
06:58Rachel.
07:00Yep.
07:01LAUGHTER
07:02I've won awards.
07:04Well, some would say not deserved.
07:06Er, the MOBO springs to mind.
07:09Er...
07:10Bronze medal in the Paralympics.
07:11But, er...
07:12You know, if they're not going to ask for a doctor's note,
07:14people are going to abuse it, aren't they?
07:17LAUGHTER
07:22Rose, have you got a mascot?
07:23Oh, I do, I do.
07:24It's a bit of me, actually,
07:25because I said that I wasn't a huge fan of Christmas,
07:27but what I do love is Christmas crafts,
07:30and a fun thing I like to do
07:32is I make my own Christmas crackers.
07:34And what I've found is that Christmas crackers
07:35are an amazing sort of receptacle
07:37for lots of different things,
07:39like not just party favours and all that.
07:41You can put anything in a Christmas cracker.
07:44So, do you want to see what's in somebody's cracker?
07:46Yes.
07:46So, um, this one's a bit of fun.
07:47So, don't get scared.
07:48Don't get scared.
07:50That's, um...
07:50This is, um, divorce papers.
07:54Um...
07:54Which is a great festive way to serve your partner
07:58with, uh, papers this year.
08:00What else have we got?
08:01Oh, this is a good one.
08:01Let's go with this one.
08:03OK.
08:04Um, there we go.
08:05No bang.
08:06That's just a bit ham.
08:07Oh.
08:09Um...
08:10For the lady who has everything.
08:13Um, and the last one.
08:14Are you going to just leave it there?
08:15You're not going to put it in your handbag?
08:16No.
08:17I don't have a handbag.
08:18Oh, a handbag.
08:19A handbag.
08:26A handbag.
08:28OK, are we going to do the last one?
08:29Yes, please.
08:30This is my favourite one, I think.
08:31Um, and that is, um...
08:32That's...
08:33Um, Grandpa's Ashes.
08:34So...
08:38It's what he would have wanted.
08:40Do you think you'll be cremated, Jimmy?
08:41Uh, no.
08:42I think it would be very dangerous
08:43to put this amount of plastic near a fire.
08:48Jack, have you got a mascot?
08:50Should you bring anything with you for good luck?
08:51I started a new hobby in...
08:53in, uh...
08:54Countdown.
08:54Lockdown.
08:55Just had to do something to, you know, just...
08:58Something positive.
08:59And I got into bonsai trees.
09:00Right.
09:01I'd started with collecting, um, full-size trees.
09:06But you soon run out of space.
09:08So then I discovered bonsai, um,
09:11which is Japanese for last-minute present.
09:16And, uh, I brought my favourite one along.
09:19Right.
09:19And they said, oh, will you bring it in?
09:21And I said, no, because it could get damaged.
09:23They said, we'll be...
09:23We'll take real care of it.
09:25So, anyway, it's here.
09:26I'll show you it.
09:27Ta-da!
09:28I am proud of this.
09:29It's a beautiful thing.
09:30It's been by the dock...
09:32door out there for a bit.
09:34But it should be...
09:34There we are.
09:35There we go.
09:36There we go, sir.
09:37What?
09:38What's happened to it?
09:40Oh, my God.
09:41Why is it, Jack?
09:41It's...
09:42Well, it's got little bags of dog shit or whatever.
09:45LAUGHTER
09:47That's unbelievable, that.
09:49That's just...
09:51Oh...
09:53What stops that growing into a full-size tree, Jack?
09:56Well, it's fucking bonsai, isn't it?
10:00Everything has its natural stopping point for growing.
10:03Otherwise, you'd get nine-foot Dachshunds.
10:05You know, you know?
10:07Trees...
10:07It's not my niece does bonsai tree.
10:08That isn't true.
10:09You have to keep snipping them.
10:10And you can actually have a very small lemon tree
10:12with a massive lemon growing on it.
10:14Don't listen to him.
10:15He doesn't know what he's talking about.
10:17LAUGHTER
10:17Do you want another fact?
10:18My full name is John Zye Richardson.
10:22LAUGHTER
10:25John.
10:25Is that waistcoat...
10:26Is it new?
10:27It feels like it's not quite the right size for you.
10:30It's the right size for me, but I am not the right size for me.
10:35LAUGHTER
10:35Have you had a good year?
10:36Have you had a good 2022?
10:38Er...
10:38Yeah.
10:39I mean, October...
10:42Absolutely brilliant.
10:44LAUGHTER
10:45APPLAUSE
10:48What happened in October?
10:51Just remind me, what was in the news in October?
10:53You went to prison for that thing you did.
10:56LAUGHTER
10:58Well, out again by Christmas.
11:00Can't believe my luck.
11:02John, have you got a mascot?
11:03What have you brought?
11:04Well, what I've done...
11:05Cos it's Christmas, and I'm quite a traditionalist at heart,
11:08so every Christmas Eve we read the night before Christmas.
11:11And it used to be my dad would read it,
11:13and now my daughter's reached an age where I read it to her.
11:15It's lovely, isn't it?
11:16But it's a bit sort of middle-class and a bit dated.
11:19So I've sort of updated
11:21Twas the night before Christmas.
11:23And the first thing I've done, it's just called
11:25It was the night before Christmas.
11:27LAUGHTER
11:27Cos no-one says twas any more, apart from it-whats.
11:32LAUGHTER
11:33So this is like a modern version.
11:37It was the night before Christmas when all through the house,
11:40no bastard was sleeping, not even the mouse.
11:43The stockings were hung on the door handle with care,
11:46cos we were both too tired and pissed to go in there.
11:49LAUGHTER
11:49The children were fighting over tangfastics in bed,
11:53while visions of singledom danced in our heads.
11:55And Mama in her onesie and I in my gown
11:58were furiously rapping and glugging wine down.
12:01When out in the road there arose such a clatter,
12:04I turned down the telly to see what was the matter.
12:07Away to the window she flew like a flash,
12:09her onesie dropped open and they all saw her gash.
12:13LAUGHTER
12:16There was some good wordplay leading up to that.
12:19Yeah, I like the clatter and matter.
12:20Yeah.
12:21But they preferred gash.
12:23I joined her while necking my warm air.
12:26Handled eyes did appear,
12:28but Boris fucking Johnson, after a day on the beers,
12:31he fell and crashed like the pound.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:35He pissed on the Christmas tree and smashed all the kids' toys.
12:38He sprayed on the wall up the Bullingdon boys.
12:40He snatched the mince pies and laughed while he was eating.
12:44It's sort of my fault, you can't afford eating.
12:48LAUGHTER
12:49Sprang to his sleigh, a Brexit-themed boss,
12:52and written down the side,
12:54good fucking luck with Liz Truss.
12:57APPLAUSE
12:58Merry Christmas, sir.
13:02Over in the dictionary corner, it's Stevie Martin!
13:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:09Stevie says she once made her sister cry on Christmas.
13:11Begs the question, Stevie,
13:12why did you buy your sister a Susie Dent book?
13:15LAUGHTER
13:16Honestly, I've got no idea what we're talking about.
13:18Go on.
13:19It's me.
13:20You're Susie Dent?
13:21Yes.
13:21Oh, thanks.
13:23That's my favourite thing that's ever happened.
13:27APPLAUSE
13:29It's your first time on the show.
13:30Tell us a little bit about yourself.
13:31Is it?
13:31Yeah, no, sure, why not?
13:33I think the dictionary corner is in quite a good place with me on it,
13:37even though what I just said there.
13:39LAUGHTER
13:40Because I do sort of, like, online stuff.
13:42That's my vibe.
13:43Yeah, I mean, I'm not just, like, an online comedian.
13:45I actually trained and worked for years as a journalist-ian.
13:49So, erm...
13:51LAUGHTER
13:51I know what a word is.
13:53Like, I guess I know what, like, a simile is.
13:55If you don't, erm...
13:57A simile...
13:58A simile is just when something is like something else.
14:01Yeah.
14:01Right.
14:02So, for example, erm...
14:03The moon is, like, in space.
14:07LAUGHTER
14:10And with Stevie, of course, it's Susie Dent.
14:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:18If you ask, Susie could spend hours telling you about the derivations
14:21of Christmas words such as Noel and Yuletide,
14:23so whatever you do, don't ask.
14:26LAUGHTER
14:27Susie, are there any interesting festive words?
14:29Yes.
14:30There are.
14:31OK, let's move on.
14:32In charge of...
14:33No, go on.
14:35LAUGHTER
14:35There's an old word for the hole in your belt
14:37that you have to resort to after Christmas lunch.
14:39That was called the Yule Hole, back in the 17th century.
14:43It's a great club.
14:44LAUGHTER
14:46Panthropy, desire to be away from other people.
14:51Erm...
14:52You've got to be a dick about it.
14:54What's...
14:54It's about my books, which...
14:57Your shitty books.
14:58LAUGHTER
14:59How's yours doing, Jimmy?
15:00What, the book?
15:01Yeah.
15:02Er...
15:03LAUGHTER
15:05APPLAUSE
15:06You know, Susie.
15:07This feels genuinely Christmassy now.
15:10LAUGHTER
15:11In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
15:14Hi, Rachel.
15:16Rachel loves a good Carol, especially when she's replacing her on Countdown.
15:21LAUGHTER
15:24Do Countdown fans send you Christmas presents?
15:27Well, there are two, actually, that send presents all the time.
15:31Christmas presents, birthday presents.
15:33They turn up my house with presents for the kids.
15:36But I find the word fans is a bit formal, isn't it?
15:39I prefer to just call them Mum and Dad.
15:41LAUGHTER
15:42Thanks for reminding me you've got a Mum and Dad.
15:43Very nice of you.
15:44LAUGHTER
15:47OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this,
15:49the Countdown Christmas Bells.
15:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:55APPLAUSE
15:55Here we go.
15:59MUSIC PLAYS
16:24semicolonel
16:28BUZZER
16:31BUZZER
16:33BUZZER
16:34BUZZER
16:37BUZZER
16:39OK, let's count down every one time for the first game.
16:42Lee, Rose, you get the pick of the letters.
16:44Hey, Rachel, can we please have a consonant, Rachel?
16:46Thanks, Rose. L.
16:48Oh, it's a great start.
16:49Ooh, give me a vowel. Since it's Christmas, you don't want Noel.
16:52Vow.
16:53LAUGHTER
16:58Can we have a consonant? Yeah.
17:02T. We'll do another consonant.
17:03Yeah. W.
17:06Vowel, another vowel? Yeah.
17:07I. Another consonant.
17:09Yeah, another consonant. Oh, I don't know.
17:11Let us know if we're going too fast. H.
17:14Consonant.
17:15Consonant. Please. T.
17:17Rachel, let's entertain people with a song while the clock is playing.
17:21Little drummer boy? Sure.
17:23OK. All right, your time starts now.
17:26.
17:29.
17:29.
17:29.
17:29.
17:29.
17:30.
17:31.
17:31.
17:31.
17:31.
17:32.
17:32.
17:32.
17:33.
17:33.
17:34.
17:34.
17:34.
17:34.
17:34.
17:36.
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17:37.
17:37.
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17:47.
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17:55.
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18:00.
18:01.
18:01.
18:03.
18:03.
18:03.
18:03.
18:06.
18:06.
18:13.
18:14.
18:15.
18:16.
18:16.
18:16.
18:18Lee how many letters seven seven seven yeah don't talk about it seemed like a lot oh I've misread
18:26me on and right not seven it's a one okay John yeah I've got seven well she was got a
18:35seven I
18:35might say eight all right Jack what have you got I have got seven as well seven okay John what
18:39have
18:39you got I'll go for an eight okay is that the rules yeah that is the rule yeah all right
18:44I'll go for a
18:47nine what's your nine-letter word I'll go for seven it's the very festive holiest holiest
18:55Wow nice Rose whistle Jack toilets John what was your eight tits hole no there is no such thing as
19:05a
19:05tits hole seven points to both teams could they have done any better there's an
19:15eight here whittles onto our first numbers round okay John Jack you'll get to choose the numbers one
19:21big one five small ones one big one five little ones two eight five four six I've always noticed
19:29that about you why do you always start from the right and go to the left Carol used to do
19:32it left
19:32the right you've ever watched either of us do it that's true your time starts now
19:50so
20:14So, the target was 204. Rose, did you get it?
20:17No, absolutely not.
20:19All right, Lee, did you get it? Keep talking to Rose.
20:22LAUGHTER
20:24203. John, did you get it? Yeah.
20:27Can I just say, I've been on this show quite a few times
20:28and your smugness isn't getting any better.
20:31I don't know how to say it, though. How am I supposed to say it?
20:33OK, let's try again, let's try again. Non-smug.
20:36John, did you get it? Yeah.
20:38I don't know how you're supposed to say it.
20:40I'll tell you how you're supposed to say it. No, I didn't get it.
20:42Give other people a chance.
20:44OK, Jack, did you get it?
20:45Er, 202. 202. OK, so, John, how did you get it?
20:498 times 4, minus 5, add 75.
20:54Ah, OK, there we go. Yep, 102.
20:57And times by 2. Well done.
20:59202. Yeah.
21:01APPLAUSE
21:06That is impressive what you can do with your mind, John.
21:08I'm very impressed. It's a shame it's come at such a price.
21:10I know. It's a shame I'm on a comedy show as well.
21:13I get so many tweets from people saying you should go on the real one.
21:16And they either mean I'm clever or you're not funny.
21:18But either way...
21:19LAUGHTER
21:22Well, so at the end of that, Lee and Rose have 7 points.
21:25John and Jack are in the lead with 17.
21:28APPLAUSE
21:30And here is your teaser. The words are ice plops.
21:33The clue is give it a lick. That's ice plops.
21:35Give it a lick. See you after the break.
21:43APPLAUSE
21:51Welcome back. The answer to the teaser. The words were ice plops.
21:55The clue was give it a lick. It was, of course, Popsicle.
21:57They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Lee and John.
22:01John, your turn to choose.
22:02A consonant, please.
22:04J.
22:05What if it's my name?
22:06All right, then.
22:07Vowel.
22:08E.
22:09It might still be your name, but the way Rose says it.
22:12Jik.
22:13LAUGHTER
22:14Consonant.
22:15N.
22:16Ooh!
22:17Could be my auntie's name.
22:20She's still with us.
22:21She's still with us, yeah.
22:22Yeah.
22:23Actually, I doubt it. She's probably turned over.
22:26LAUGHTER
22:27Consonant, please.
22:30F.
22:31Consonant.
22:33R.
22:33Vowel.
22:34These are shit, aren't they?
22:36Oh, John, you're an absolute idiot.
22:38Uh, consonant.
22:39How do I fix this?
22:41Y.
22:41Oh, my gosh.
22:43Let's go for a Q. Let's have a consonant.
22:47N.
22:47Oh, rubbish.
22:48Oh, yeah.
22:48And a final vowel.
22:50E.
22:51Wow.
22:51OK, your time starts now.
22:57Yep.
22:59OK.
23:00And a final vowel.
23:07Let's go.
23:09Let's go.
23:09Let's go.
23:10.
23:10I'm like a big pig in a blanket.
23:27I call it the impacted colon.
23:30Does anyone...
23:31Rose, you're from New Zealand.
23:33I was worried you wouldn't have tasted traditional British Christmas fare,
23:37so I've got you some things.
23:38Oh, lovely.
23:39So I've got giant pigs in blankets, brussel sprouts,
23:42chocolate triangle, and some eggnog.
23:45Are these giant...
23:45Everything came out a bit big.
23:47I don't know.
23:49I feel...
23:50No, the scale of this is too much.
23:52I'm confused.
23:53I feel like a borrower.
23:56That's actually not too bad.
23:58It's pretty good, right?
23:59No, pretty good.
23:59Delicious.
24:00I got you some gingerbread men,
24:02because you're all vegans, aren't you?
24:05And what is this?
24:06That is a solid block of chocolate.
24:08I'm going to eat one.
24:09I saw...
24:10OK, can you hear...
24:11OK, I'm just going to...
24:12BOOM!
24:15Yeah, it's Christmassy, though, isn't it?
24:16I mean, you're meant to indulge.
24:18LAUGHTER
24:19There's a hammer.
24:20There's a hammer there for...
24:21Yeah, that's for you, yeah.
24:33It's just more chocolate.
24:34It would be traditional in Great Britain.
24:36Today on the eggnog would be...
24:37That's like a British thing.
24:38Oh, God.
24:39Mm.
24:40Mm.
24:41Mm.
24:44That's too much milk.
24:46That's too much milk for me.
24:48It's a good catchphrase.
24:50LAUGHTER
24:51LAUGHTER
24:51LAUGHTER
24:52No-one's taken that one yet.
24:54LAUGHTER
24:54That's too much milk.
24:55That's too much milk for me.
24:57Oh, it's Rose Matafeo.
24:58Oh, it's all tricks again.
25:01The gingerbreads are quite nice, actually.
25:03It is...
25:04I'm a cook, I'm quite keen.
25:05Could I try some?
25:06No.
25:07OK.
25:09LAUGHTER
25:09What is your signature dish?
25:11You're...
25:11Well, we take it in turns to, um...
25:14to cook the turkey.
25:15So last year, I cooked it,
25:18and so this year we're not going to cook it.
25:20LAUGHTER
25:20And have it...have it raw.
25:23LAUGHTER
25:23LAUGHTER
25:24LAUGHTER
25:25LAUGHTER
25:26What is that?
25:27It's a pig in blanket.
25:29It's a...it's...it's a pig in a blanket.
25:31Oh, I heard you.
25:34It's a whole pig in a blanket.
25:35I'm sorry, I'm eating it next to a vegan.
25:38I don't mind.
25:38You don't mind?
25:39God.
25:39I just...I'm not ethical vegan.
25:40I just shit myself if I eat meat.
25:42LAUGHTER
25:43Cool.
25:44I've had an idea for the finale of the show.
25:46Yeah.
25:47We've got Stevie's catchphrase now, as well.
25:49LAUGHTER
25:50OK, John, how many?
25:51We were playing a game of Countdown before all this.
25:53LAUGHTER
25:54A six.
25:55A six.
25:55OK. Lee, how many?
25:57Six.
25:57John, what's your six?
25:59Ensure.
26:00Ensure.
26:01Susie's not even interested, look, she's just eating.
26:03What was that?
26:04LAUGHTER
26:06Ensure, is ensure a word?
26:08Oh, ensure is definitely a word, yeah.
26:09All right, yeah, sure, can't even be arsed to look it up, can you?
26:13Lee, your six?
26:15Ensure.
26:16LAUGHTER
26:18On proper Countdown, they'd hold up their bit of paper to show they're working
26:21to the person they got the same...
26:22On proper Countdown, they've got a proper host.
26:25LAUGHTER
26:27APPLAUSE
26:27That would take it.
26:29APPLAUSE
26:31On proper Countdown, you don't stop for fucking dinner.
26:34LAUGHTER
26:35No, of course I didn't have it, sure.
26:37What did you have?
26:38Junors.
26:39Did you use that in a sentence?
26:40Well, I don't know, do you like...
26:41Ask me if I like going out in...
26:44..August or September.
26:46LAUGHTER
26:46Ask me, do you like going out in August or September?
26:49Neither.
26:49I'm more of a Junor.
26:51LAUGHTER
26:52Well, I've got the Junors.
26:54Junors.
26:55It would have a capital letter, anyway, Lee.
26:58Well, six points to John!
27:00APPLAUSE
27:02Uh, Stevie, Susie, could they have done any better?
27:04Er, no, six is the best, so you could have had Jersey, Unseen or Nursie.
27:08What was the last one?
27:10Nursie.
27:11Nursie.
27:11Oh, are you?
27:11What are you to call your nanny?
27:12I was made by machines.
27:14LAUGHTER
27:16Not much milk for me, Nursie.
27:18LAUGHTER
27:19OK, so at the end of that, Lee and Rose have seven points.
27:22John and Jack are in the lead with 23.
27:27Right, now time for Rose and Jack to go head-to-head, OK?
27:30Rose, your turn to pick the numbers.
27:31Oh, Christ, OK.
27:33Er...
27:34Christ, not at first.
27:36LAUGHTER
27:37Rose wants a word.
27:39Too big, rest small.
27:41He has spoken.
27:43LAUGHTER
27:44Two big, three small, please.
27:46Right, we've got to do what the man says.
27:47You'd think he wouldn't want to pick two by four.
27:51LAUGHTER
27:52Wow!
27:53Wow, wow, wow!
27:55Oh, sorry!
27:59All right, we've got four, three, five, two, 75 and 100.
28:06And the target, three, eight, five.
28:08OK, and your time starts now.
28:33MUSIC PLAYS
28:36So, the target was three, eight, five.
28:38Yeah.
28:38Rose, did you get it?
28:39I got it, I actually got it.
28:40Oh!
28:42APPLAUSE
28:44Rose, tell us how you did it.
28:46Ooh, three times 100.
28:48300.
28:49Two times five, ten.
28:52Plus 75.
28:54Plus the 300?
28:55Yeah, three, eight, five.
28:56Oh, my good God.
28:58APPLAUSE
29:02I didn't write down the 100.
29:04Yeah, so...
29:05You didn't write down the 100?
29:05No, so I was really in a sweat thinking,
29:08this just can't be done.
29:09LAUGHTER
29:10I can do it, surely.
29:12Rachel, could you do it without the 100?
29:13You just add two to the 75 and times the five.
29:15All right, who cares?
29:17LAUGHTER
29:18OK, time now to go across the dictionary corner.
29:21Stevie, what have you got for us?
29:22Just some hot tips to improve your online hygiene, James.
29:25So, OK, doom scrolling is a thing.
29:28You know, you're scrolling through, you're feeling worse and worse.
29:30When that happens, you've just got to stop, you've got to refocus.
29:34So, how do you refocus?
29:35Well, you can do numerous things.
29:37I like to find social media accounts that are quite motivational.
29:40We've all seen these things, they're very helpful.
29:43There's so much you can learn from other people.
29:45You just listen, you know?
29:47And if, like, for some reason that hasn't worked,
29:51I'll just play a game.
29:52That's really easy.
29:53Like, you know, like Candy Crush or Cow Toss,
29:55just something really simple like that.
29:56What's Cow Toss?
29:57Just where you toss cows.
29:59Sorry.
30:00Not like that, obviously.
30:02You just wank them off.
30:04LAUGHTER
30:06Other tips?
30:07I guess, like, learn how to use emojis.
30:09People don't use them properly.
30:11And we can express so much more using emojis
30:14than we ever could using words, I think.
30:16You know, I can say I'm happy, I can say I'm sad, sure.
30:19But I can also say I'm Easter Island head and two fish flapping on a pole.
30:22Option.
30:23Some people are kind of concerned
30:25because we're starting to speak in emojis.
30:27People say, you know, that's fire.
30:29And I heart that.
30:31And I know it makes linguists like yourself quite yellow-sad bald man.
30:35But...
30:36LAUGHTER
30:38If old Billiam Shakespeareington was here today,
30:42you know, he'd be doing emoji plays.
30:43He'd be innovating.
30:45And, er, you would pay to see Emoji Macbeth.
30:48It's more succinct.
30:49LAUGHTER
30:50The original...
30:51Or, like, I don't know, Emoji Romeo and Juliet.
30:53I've only seen the Basil Oman version,
30:54so I'm not sure if that's actually even accurate.
30:57But I have also seen that you're trying your best,
31:00Jimmy, and sort of my Christmas present to you, I guess,
31:03is I've created the, er, Jim-oji,
31:05which we can all use.
31:07He laughed so hard he's cried.
31:09HE LAUGHS
31:10HE LAUGHS
31:10HE LAUGHS
31:11HE LAUGHS
31:11HE LAUGHS
31:12HE LAUGHS
31:13HE LAUGHS
31:13HE LAUGHS
31:14HE LAUGHS
31:14HE LAUGHS
31:15HE LAUGHS
31:16HE LAUGHS
31:17HE LAUGHS
31:18HE LAUGHS
31:19HE LAUGHS
31:23And here is your teaser.
31:25The words are elf-parps,
31:27the clue is that wafts.
31:28That's elf-parps, that wafts.
31:29See you after the break.
31:30HE LAUGHS
31:39HE LAUGHS
31:39HE LAUGHS
31:40HE LAUGHS
31:41HE LAUGHS
31:42Welcome back.
31:42The answer to the teaser.
31:43The words were elf-parps,
31:44the clue was that wafts.
31:46It was, of course, flappers.
31:48OK, before we go on,
31:49he's not been invited on the show,
31:50but he's turned up anyway.
31:51It's... It's Joe Wilkinson.
31:57HE LAUGHS
32:07It's beautiful.
32:08Hi, Joe.
32:09How's your Christmas been?
32:11Shite.
32:11It's been shite.
32:13I'll be honest with you,
32:14I've had quite a big dinner.
32:16And, er, turns out,
32:17when I put weight on,
32:17it goes on my arse.
32:20Which, er, seems unfair.
32:21I've only had a couple of stuffing balls.
32:23LAUGHTER
32:28I don't want any stuffing balls, mate.
32:30Look at my arse!
32:31Look at it!
32:32Look at it!
32:33What's, er...
32:33What's going on with Fabio's shorts?
32:35He had a big dinner as well,
32:37and, erm...
32:38Turns out,
32:38when he puts a bit of weight on,
32:39it goes on his knob and balls.
32:42LAUGHTER
32:43And you're like, oh...
32:44It's a lovely drop, eh?
32:46APPLAUSE
32:50I thought while I was here,
32:51we could play a quick parlour game.
32:53Oh, lovely, OK.
32:54Yeah, bring on the cannon.
32:55Probably already guessed
32:56what parlour game we're going to play.
32:58LAUGHTER
32:59It's the parlour game
33:01where, er,
33:01I'm shite out of a cannon,
33:03and, er...
33:04The teams here have to guess
33:06how many members of the audience
33:07either knock unconscious
33:09or seriously hurt.
33:10LAUGHTER
33:11God, I feel Christmassy now.
33:14LAUGHTER
33:14Let's play a parlour game.
33:15Come on, let's play.
33:16JINGLE BELL
33:16JINGLE BELL
33:18JINGLE BELL
33:18JINGLE BELL
33:18JINGLE BELL
33:19JINGLE BELL
33:20JINGLE BELL
33:20JINGLE BELL
33:21JINGLE BELL
33:23JINGLE BELL
33:24OK, so Joe's getting into the cannon.
33:28So, er, Lee, John,
33:30how many of our studio audience
33:31do you think will be knocked unconscious?
33:33Er, I'm going to go four...
33:35nine.
33:36I'll do the, er, tactical prick thing
33:38and I'll go ten.
33:39Joe, er, are you ready?
33:41I'm ready, Jimmy!
33:43LAUGHTER
33:44OK, Fabiola, it's parlour game!
33:47Light the fuse, you twat!
33:49LAUGHTER
34:06Well, that went well.
34:08LAUGHTER
34:09OK, yep.
34:10My arse is rubbing against the side.
34:15LAUGHTER
34:19Yeah, my arse is slowing me down.
34:27LAUGHTER
34:28LAUGHTER
34:30LAUGHTER
34:32LAUGHTER
34:37Yeah...
34:38LAUGHTER
34:41LAUGHTER
34:43APPLAUSE
34:44APPLAUSE
34:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
34:48OK, over the game.
34:50Just see if he can get to his feet. If he can't, it's not a disaster.
34:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
35:02OK, Lee, Rose, your turn to choose the letters.
35:05Consonant? R.
35:07Vowel?
35:09Ooh! Ooh!
35:11Consonant? D.
35:12D.
35:14Consonant? M. Vowel?
35:16Vowel.
35:16Oh.
35:20I'll get it.
35:27Hyphen.
35:31Never mind hyphen, I just saw a massive colon.
35:39We'll go for a consonant, please.
35:41You can have an in.
35:42And another consonant?
35:44In and out.
35:45I think a vowel and consonant, right?
35:47Yeah.
35:52You!
35:53Fair play for it, fair play to you.
35:55OK, your time starts now.
35:57No.
36:12No.
36:25No.
36:27Lee, how many? Five.
36:30Rose? Seven.
36:32John? Six. Jack? Six.
36:35Lee, you're five. Rubens? Jack, you're six.
36:39Unslim, what you're after Christmas.
36:42Unslim. Susie, is it a word?
36:46OK. John, you're six. Rounds.
36:49Rose, your seven-letter word? This is a total guess.
36:52Nimrods? Yes.
36:54Oh!
36:56Rose, Matt O'Kaya!
36:58Seven points for Rose and Lee.
37:00Wow. Thank you. What is a Nimrod?
37:02It can mean either a really skilful hunter or someone who's a bit of a dork.
37:07And I was in no way inspired by the people around me.
37:10I will say that.
37:11Stevie, Susie, could they have done any better?
37:13Yes. For eight, they could have drumlins.
37:17What's that? Yes, they are low oval mounds.
37:20OK, so at the end of that, Lee and Rose are in the lead with 24 points.
37:24APPLAUSE
37:26OK, time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner.
37:30Stevie Martin, any more advice for us?
37:32Yes, I do have some more advice for you.
37:35Learn how to take a selfie, please.
37:37We've had like a decade to get to grips with selfies
37:40and some people just still haven't figured it out.
37:43That's fine.
37:45There are lots of different categories, lots of different types of selfies.
37:48So you've got your lift selfie, but you've got to make sure there's a mirror in the lift,
37:52otherwise it's not quite as effective.
37:55You've got your unwelfy, had Covid, you've got your fucking healthy.
37:58It does happen.
37:59LAUGHTER
38:00That's all the different types of selfies there are.
38:02But how do you take a good one?
38:04Well, it's really hard.
38:05You know, the first time I tried, I blinked, I was facing the wrong way.
38:11This one is too close.
38:13That one's too much kettle.
38:15And this one's just too much information, you've got to hold something back.
38:19You know?
38:19It's really important.
38:21What I learnt, though, is that you can just use a photo editing app.
38:25So, for example, I didn't just put this on Instagram.
38:27I don't know if you can see, but there's like little wispy hairs there.
38:29So I just facetuned them out.
38:31You can't really tell the difference.
38:33LAUGHTER
38:37And here is your final teaser.
38:39The words are Peg Santa.
38:41The clue is bit showy.
38:43That's Peg Santa, bit showy.
38:44See you after the break.
38:47APPLAUSE
39:00Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were Peg Santa.
39:03The clue was a bit showy.
39:05It was, of course, pageants.
39:07Could you stop twerking, please, Joe?
39:10LAUGHTER
39:12Are you honestly twerking, then?
39:14No.
39:14Ah, you can head off now.
39:18LAUGHTER
39:19LAUGHTER
39:20LAUGHTER
39:23It's the Christmas special, everyone.
39:26LAUGHTER
39:26Before we go on, it's Christmas,
39:28so let's play a quick game of Pull My Cracker.
39:34OK.
39:35Here's how this works.
39:36I read the first line of some classic Christmas cracker jokes.
39:38All you have to do is buzz in when you think you know the punchline.
39:41Couldn't be easier. You ready?
39:42What do sheep say to each other at Christmas time?
39:46BELL RINGS
39:46Thankfoot we're not turkeys.
39:48LAUGHTER
39:50LAUGHTER
39:51Hi, Jack.
39:51Erm...
39:52Well, happy Christmas to you, maybe.
39:54I'll give you that.
39:55Merry Christmas to you.
39:56That's the right answer.
39:56Yes, a point to Jack.
39:58APPLAUSE
39:59OK.
40:00How does a snowman get to work?
40:02BELL RINGS
40:03Lee.
40:04I didn't press the button.
40:05No, I did.
40:06Oh, go on.
40:06Jack, sorry.
40:07Why's he got one under the table?
40:09I wondered how you were doing that.
40:10I thought you had an electric penis.
40:12LAUGHTER
40:13What was the question again?
40:15What do you mean, what was the question?
40:16Are you buzzed?
40:17Or do you just want to get out of the bath?
40:18Yeah.
40:18How does a snowman...
40:21LAUGHTER
40:22How does a snowman get to work?
40:24Er...
40:24Well, if it's in July in a bucket.
40:27LAUGHTER
40:28Go on.
40:29A snow...
40:29A snowmobile?
40:31Well, that's a bit practical, rather than a joke.
40:33LAUGHTER
40:33I know, but didn't you...
40:34Is it a Ford Fiesta, too, Lee?
40:37LAUGHTER
40:38Icicle.
40:39Cos it rhymes with bicycle.
40:41You...
40:41Bi-icicle, I'll give you that.
40:42Yeah, that's the right answer.
40:43Bi-icicle.
40:44Oh, you're so politically correct.
40:48Why doesn't Santa use the NHS?
40:51Ah, well...
40:51Here we go.
40:52This is...
40:52Well, you're not a UK resident.
40:54LAUGHTER
40:59I...
41:00I think I know it.
41:01Yeah, go on.
41:02Can I say?
41:03Cos he's got private elf-kin?
41:05That's the right answer, yes.
41:06What does Santa spend his wages on?
41:08Oh.
41:10Um...
41:10All his different hoes and area codes.
41:13LAUGHTER
41:14Frostitudes.
41:17LAUGHTER
41:23It was, in fact, Jingle Bills.
41:25Where do elves go to dance?
41:28The jailhouse.
41:31What?
41:32What?
41:32Read it again.
41:34LAUGHTER
41:35Oh, sorry.
41:37Elves.
41:38LAUGHTER
41:39LAUGHTER
41:41I think it'd be Christmas balls.
41:44Christmas...
41:45I think so.
41:45I'll give you that.
41:45Snowballs is the right answer.
41:47Ah, yeah.
41:47Snowballs.
41:47Gaddy's absolutely won this.
41:49Five bonus points to John and Jack.
41:51APPLAUSE
41:52Oh, no!
41:53Sorry.
41:56I'm all forward to being your nan at Christmas, playing charades.
42:00Another point for me, nana.
42:02LAUGHTER
42:02LAUGHTER
42:04My nan's not alive any more, Lee.
42:05Piece of shit.
42:07Piece of shit.
42:07I'll teach you to get in a car with my parents.
42:10LAUGHTER
42:11It's particularly poignant if you should bring that up.
42:13She actually died at Christmas when we were playing a game of charades.
42:17She had a fit and she died with us all around her going,
42:20is it a book or a film?
42:23LAUGHTER
42:24OK, time for our final letters game.
42:26John and Jack, your turn to choose.
42:28Come on, now.
42:29We want this.
42:30A vowel, please.
42:32Wallet.
42:34Consonant.
42:35E.T.
42:36All right.
42:37And, erm, a vowel.
42:38I.
42:40A consonant.
42:41M.
42:42A consonant.
42:44S.
42:45Another vowel, please.
42:47Another I.
42:48A consonant.
42:50R.
42:50A consonant.
42:52H.
42:52A vowel, please.
42:54And A.
42:55OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
42:58Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.
43:05And since we've no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
43:12Oh, the fire will slowly die, and my dear, we're still goodbye.
43:18But as long as you love is so alive, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
43:43Oh, God.
43:44I can't believe the size of your head and I can't hit it.
43:46LAUGHTER
43:50LAUGHTER
43:53Lee, how many?
43:55Er, seven.
43:56Oh, rose, how many?
43:57Seven.
43:58John, how many?
43:59Eight.
44:00Oh, yes.
44:02Jack?
44:02Six.
44:03OK, er, Jack, your six.
44:06Er, Mr. Lee, your seven.
44:08Hammiest.
44:09The most hammy of the actors.
44:12It was hammy as you need two m's okay rose air mites air mites
44:29John your eight hairiest
44:32Oh
44:40Stevie Susie could they have done any better seriatim, which is also an eight. So if you
44:46Discuss matters seriatim. You discuss them point by point. Okay, Lee and Rose have 24 points John and Jack have
44:5236 so fingers on buzzers. It's time for today's countdown conundrum your time starts
45:25Oh
45:25Oh, no, I was gonna say distracted, but that's not right. Why are we gonna sight me?
45:37Oh
45:39Yeah, go on sidetrack. Let's have a look
45:46Wow
45:48Lee and Rose you've got 34 points John and Jack are the winners. You're now the proud owners of this
45:52the countdown Christmas bells
45:57That's a wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching home. That's it from us. Good night. Merry Christmas
46:02Oh
46:03Oh
46:05Oh
46:06Oh
46:07Oh
46:09Oh
46:10Oh
46:11Oh
46:11Oh
46:11Oh
46:11Oh
46:23Oh
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