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8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown - 2022 Christmas Special - 23 December 2022 [Full Movie] [Latest Version]Full EP - Full
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00:30Tonight, on the 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas Specials, Chad Richardson, Lee Mack, Jack Dean, Rose Matafeo,
00:45Stevie Martin, Suzy Dent, Rachel Riley, and your host, Jim T. Carl.
00:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:58Hello and welcome to the 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas Specials, a show about letters, numbers, conundrums
01:04and Christmas!
01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:08OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up, it's team captain John Richardson.
01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:16Christmas can be dangerous for John. Last year we had eight inches of snow and we nearly lost him.
01:21LAUGHTER
01:23It's not true, it was a very mild Christmas.
01:26LAUGHTER
01:26Don't mind the gag about me being short, but get the weather right.
01:29LAUGHTER
01:30And joining John tonight is Jack Dee!
01:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:35Jack Dee has the look of a kid who wanted a PlayStation and has just unwrapped a turd.
01:40LAUGHTER
01:41You bring back bad memories of my childhood when you say stuff like that.
01:45LAUGHTER
01:45Up against them this evening, it's guest, team captain Lee Mack.
01:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:09Rose is from New Zealand, which is, according to Google, 11,650 miles away.
02:14Got to admire that commitment, Rose. The furthest I go to avoid my family at Christmas is just to walk
02:18to the bottom of the garden.
02:19LAUGHTER
02:20That is roughly 11,000 miles, though, isn't it, your garden?
02:23LAUGHTER
02:25Lee, what have you been up to since we last saw you?
02:27Oh, you know, Jimmy, the usual, just letting me face age naturally, keeping me teeth a normal colour and not
02:32upsetting Netflix viewers.
02:33What have you been up to?
02:36LAUGHTER
02:41We're doing the quiz show on ITV, the 1% Club, which obviously tests intelligence.
02:46And someone watches it.
02:49We found it, Lee.
02:50We found it.
02:52What do you give away on the 1% Club? What's the biggest price?
02:54Up to £100,000.
02:55What's the most you've given away?
02:57Er, £48.
03:00We have given away almost £100.
03:02We're giving away 90-something, like 97 or something, yeah.
03:05Can I come on it?
03:06Er, not really, Jack, because, er, you're in entertainment.
03:08You're already a member of the 1% Club.
03:12Last Christmas, I could do a 97 grand.
03:14Pay my gas bill.
03:16LAUGHTER
03:17I would have thought you'd get a grant, Jack.
03:20LAUGHTER
03:20OK.
03:21Rose, you a big fan of Christmas?
03:22No, I hate it.
03:24I don't really like it.
03:25That got a really bad response in the room, actually.
03:27LAUGHTER
03:27Are you guys fans of Christmas?
03:29Woo!
03:30OK, that was 20 of you, actually.
03:32I think people in the audience are probably, you know,
03:34when you said, I'm not a big fan of Christmas,
03:35because it's, I think, if I'm not mistaken,
03:37Jesus is actually in the crowd.
03:38LAUGHTER
03:39Oh, my God.
03:40Oh, yeah.
03:41APPLAUSE
03:44Come on.
03:44Happy birthday to you!
03:48Happy birthday to you!
03:52Happy birthday, dear Jesus!
03:56Happy birthday to you!
04:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:052022 years old, he must have the same hair surgeon as you.
04:09LAUGHTER
04:11I like the fact we still have the camera trained on Jesus.
04:14LAUGHTER
04:15In case he performs a miracle.
04:17I think we'll be OK.
04:18Do I get paid?
04:19What do we...?
04:20Do I get paid?
04:20Typical Jesus.
04:21Typical...
04:23Typical Jesus.
04:24All right, Jack.
04:28All right, best and worst gift you've ever received?
04:30Gift?
04:31Yeah.
04:31Oh, my God.
04:32The worst present, I think, is those charity presents
04:35you ever get given...
04:36Ooh!
04:36You know when they...
04:37I got contacted by some TV production company,
04:40and they go,
04:41Oh, instead of presents this year,
04:44we've given you a goat,
04:46but we've sent it to a village in Africa.
04:49And I said,
04:50Well, thank you,
04:51but that's not where I live.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:54And it has a happy ending,
04:56because I went out to Africa with comic relief,
04:59and it so happens I went to the village where they sent the goat.
05:02Oh.
05:02And I did a, you know,
05:03a chat with them and everything,
05:04and found out how terrible things were.
05:07Erm,
05:07and at the end I was able to say,
05:08thank you for that,
05:10unfortunately,
05:11the goat,
05:12lucky,
05:12he's coming back with me,
05:14because...
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15Come on, off your goat.
05:16Yeah, yeah.
05:17He's mine.
05:19What's the best thing you ever got?
05:21I got given a shredder one year,
05:22which is good.
05:23Oh, I imagine you'd love a shredder.
05:25Yeah.
05:25I love a shredder.
05:25It's great for the cards,
05:27all the Christmas cards, straight in.
05:29LAUGHTER
05:29I just strap it to the letter box,
05:31and when the postman comes,
05:33they go straight in.
05:33Pfff!
05:34Into the shredder.
05:36Who has ever had a card from someone
05:38you have no idea who they are?
05:40Oh, yeah.
05:41Really?
05:41I send those.
05:44LAUGHTER
05:45It's my hobby,
05:46I like to do it before Christmas.
05:48Make up, I go,
05:49Dear Lee, Happy Christmas,
05:50love from Joan and Eric.
05:53LAUGHTER
05:53Well, that wouldn't work,
05:55cos Joan and Eric are my mum and dad.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:57Like you get a card from your mum and dad.
05:59I don't, actually, Jack,
06:00cos they're dead.
06:01Thanks for that.
06:02LAUGHTER
06:04Keep it light, keep it light, come on.
06:07Um...
06:07Lee, have you got a mascot?
06:09Yeah.
06:09What have you brought?
06:10I brought this,
06:11because I was at home thinking,
06:12what am I going to use as a mascot, you know?
06:15And I sat there this morning,
06:15and then it suddenly dawned on me.
06:17I looked in the corner of the room,
06:18and I looked on top of the Christmas tree,
06:20which was odd,
06:21because, er,
06:22despite the bullshit you're telling everyone,
06:23it is September the 5th.
06:26LAUGHTER
06:28LAUGHTER
06:32And I took...
06:34I took this little thing off the tree, like that.
06:36LAUGHTER
06:37And I thought to myself,
06:38that's the perfect lucky mascot for me,
06:40cos I've had that on my tree for 25, 30 years,
06:43and I think of all the luck I've had during that time,
06:45you know.
06:45In that time, I got married.
06:47Er, three lovely kids.
06:49Er, we got four,
06:50but one of them's a bit, you know.
06:52LAUGHTER
06:53I've, er...
06:54I've had a decent career,
06:55but I've worked with some of the greatest minds in television.
06:58Susie.
06:58Rachel.
07:00Yep.
07:01LAUGHTER
07:02I've won awards.
07:04Well, some would say not deserved.
07:06Er, the MOBO springs to mind.
07:09Er...
07:10Bronze medal in the Paralympics.
07:11But, er...
07:12You know, if they're not going to ask for a doctor's note,
07:14people are going to abuse it, aren't they?
07:17LAUGHTER
07:22Rose, have you got a mascot?
07:23Oh, I do, I do.
07:24It's a bit of me, actually,
07:25because I said that I wasn't a huge fan of Christmas,
07:27but what I do love is Christmas crafts,
07:30and a fun thing I like to do
07:32is I make my own Christmas crackers.
07:34And what I've found is that Christmas crackers
07:35are an amazing sort of receptacle
07:37for lots of different things,
07:39like not just party favours and all that.
07:41You can put anything in a Christmas cracker.
07:44So, do you want to see what's in somebody's cracker?
07:46Yes.
07:46So, um, this one's a bit of fun.
07:47So, don't get scared.
07:48Don't get scared.
07:50That's, um...
07:50This is, um, divorce papers.
07:54Um...
07:54Which is a great festive way to serve your partner
07:58with, uh, papers this year.
08:00What else have we got?
08:01Oh, this is a good one.
08:01Let's go with this one.
08:03OK.
08:04Um, there we go.
08:05No bang.
08:06That's just a bit ham.
08:07Oh.
08:09Um...
08:10For the lady who has everything.
08:13Um, and the last one.
08:14Are you going to just leave it there?
08:15You're not going to put it in your handbag?
08:16No.
08:17I don't have a handbag.
08:18Oh, a handbag.
08:19A handbag.
08:26A handbag.
08:28OK, are we going to do the last one?
08:29Yes, please.
08:30This is my favourite one, I think.
08:31Um, and that is, um...
08:32That's...
08:33Um, Grandpa's Ashes.
08:34So...
08:38It's what he would have wanted.
08:40Do you think you'll be cremated, Jimmy?
08:41Uh, no.
08:42I think it would be very dangerous
08:43to put this amount of plastic near a fire.
08:48Jack, have you got a mascot?
08:50Should you bring anything with you for good luck?
08:51I started a new hobby in...
08:53in, uh...
08:54Countdown.
08:54Lockdown.
08:55Just had to do something to, you know, just...
08:58Something positive.
08:59And I got into bonsai trees.
09:00Right.
09:01I'd started with collecting, um, full-size trees.
09:06But you soon run out of space.
09:08So then I discovered bonsai, um,
09:11which is Japanese for last-minute present.
09:16And, uh, I brought my favourite one along.
09:19Right.
09:19And they said, oh, will you bring it in?
09:21And I said, no, because it could get damaged.
09:23They said, we'll be...
09:23We'll take real care of it.
09:25So, anyway, it's here.
09:26I'll show you it.
09:27Ta-da!
09:28I am proud of this.
09:29It's a beautiful thing.
09:30It's been by the dock...
09:32door out there for a bit.
09:34But it should be...
09:34There we are.
09:35There we go.
09:36There we go, sir.
09:37What?
09:38What's happened to it?
09:40Oh, my God.
09:41Why is it, Jack?
09:41It's...
09:42Well, it's got little bags of dog shit or whatever.
09:45LAUGHTER
09:47That's unbelievable, that.
09:49That's just...
09:51Oh...
09:53What stops that growing into a full-size tree, Jack?
09:56Well, it's fucking bonsai, isn't it?
10:00Everything has its natural stopping point for growing.
10:03Otherwise, you'd get nine-foot Dachshunds.
10:05You know, you know?
10:07Trees...
10:07It's not my niece does bonsai tree.
10:08That isn't true.
10:09You have to keep snipping them.
10:10And you can actually have a very small lemon tree
10:12with a massive lemon growing on it.
10:14Don't listen to him.
10:15He doesn't know what he's talking about.
10:17LAUGHTER
10:17Do you want another fact?
10:18My full name is John Zye Richardson.
10:22LAUGHTER
10:25John.
10:25Is that waistcoat...
10:26Is it new?
10:27It feels like it's not quite the right size for you.
10:30It's the right size for me, but I am not the right size for me.
10:35LAUGHTER
10:35Have you had a good year?
10:36Have you had a good 2022?
10:38Er...
10:38Yeah.
10:39I mean, October...
10:42Absolutely brilliant.
10:44LAUGHTER
10:45APPLAUSE
10:48What happened in October?
10:51Just remind me, what was in the news in October?
10:53You went to prison for that thing you did.
10:56LAUGHTER
10:58Well, out again by Christmas.
11:00Can't believe my luck.
11:02John, have you got a mascot?
11:03What have you brought?
11:04Well, what I've done...
11:05Cos it's Christmas, and I'm quite a traditionalist at heart,
11:08so every Christmas Eve we read the night before Christmas.
11:11And it used to be my dad would read it,
11:13and now my daughter's reached an age where I read it to her.
11:15It's lovely, isn't it?
11:16But it's a bit sort of middle-class and a bit dated.
11:19So I've sort of updated
11:21Twas the night before Christmas.
11:23And the first thing I've done, it's just called
11:25It was the night before Christmas.
11:27LAUGHTER
11:27Cos no-one says twas any more, apart from it-whats.
11:32LAUGHTER
11:33So this is like a modern version.
11:37It was the night before Christmas when all through the house,
11:40no bastard was sleeping, not even the mouse.
11:43The stockings were hung on the door handle with care,
11:46cos we were both too tired and pissed to go in there.
11:49LAUGHTER
11:49The children were fighting over tangfastics in bed,
11:53while visions of singledom danced in our heads.
11:55And Mama in her onesie and I in my gown
11:58were furiously rapping and glugging wine down.
12:01When out in the road there arose such a clatter,
12:04I turned down the telly to see what was the matter.
12:07Away to the window she flew like a flash,
12:09her onesie dropped open and they all saw her gash.
12:13LAUGHTER
12:16There was some good wordplay leading up to that.
12:19Yeah, I like the clatter and matter.
12:20Yeah.
12:21But they preferred gash.
12:23I joined her while necking my warm air.
12:26Handled eyes did appear,
12:28but Boris fucking Johnson, after a day on the beers,
12:31he fell and crashed like the pound.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:35He pissed on the Christmas tree and smashed all the kids' toys.
12:38He sprayed on the wall up the Bullingdon boys.
12:40He snatched the mince pies and laughed while he was eating.
12:44It's sort of my fault, you can't afford eating.
12:48LAUGHTER
12:49Sprang to his sleigh, a Brexit-themed boss,
12:52and written down the side,
12:54good fucking luck with Liz Truss.
12:57APPLAUSE
12:58Merry Christmas, sir.
13:02Over in the dictionary corner, it's Stevie Martin!
13:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:09Stevie says she once made her sister cry on Christmas.
13:11Begs the question, Stevie,
13:12why did you buy your sister a Susie Dent book?
13:15LAUGHTER
13:16Honestly, I've got no idea what we're talking about.
13:18Go on.
13:19It's me.
13:20You're Susie Dent?
13:21Yes.
13:21Oh, thanks.
13:23That's my favourite thing that's ever happened.
13:27APPLAUSE
13:29It's your first time on the show.
13:30Tell us a little bit about yourself.
13:31Is it?
13:31Yeah, no, sure, why not?
13:33I think the dictionary corner is in quite a good place with me on it,
13:37even though what I just said there.
13:39LAUGHTER
13:40Because I do sort of, like, online stuff.
13:42That's my vibe.
13:43Yeah, I mean, I'm not just, like, an online comedian.
13:45I actually trained and worked for years as a journalist-ian.
13:49So, erm...
13:51LAUGHTER
13:51I know what a word is.
13:53Like, I guess I know what, like, a simile is.
13:55If you don't, erm...
13:57A simile...
13:58A simile is just when something is like something else.
14:01Yeah.
14:01Right.
14:02So, for example, erm...
14:03The moon is, like, in space.
14:07LAUGHTER
14:10And with Stevie, of course, it's Susie Dent.
14:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:18If you ask, Susie could spend hours telling you about the derivations
14:21of Christmas words such as Noel and Yuletide,
14:23so whatever you do, don't ask.
14:26LAUGHTER
14:27Susie, are there any interesting festive words?
14:29Yes.
14:30There are.
14:31OK, let's move on.
14:32In charge of...
14:33No, go on.
14:35LAUGHTER
14:35There's an old word for the hole in your belt
14:37that you have to resort to after Christmas lunch.
14:39That was called the Yule Hole, back in the 17th century.
14:43It's a great club.
14:44LAUGHTER
14:46Panthropy, desire to be away from other people.
14:51Erm...
14:52You've got to be a dick about it.
14:54What's...
14:54It's about my books, which...
14:57Your shitty books.
14:58LAUGHTER
14:59How's yours doing, Jimmy?
15:00What, the book?
15:01Yeah.
15:02Er...
15:03LAUGHTER
15:05APPLAUSE
15:06You know, Susie.
15:07This feels genuinely Christmassy now.
15:10LAUGHTER
15:11In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
15:14Hi, Rachel.
15:16Rachel loves a good Carol, especially when she's replacing her on Countdown.
15:21LAUGHTER
15:24Do Countdown fans send you Christmas presents?
15:27Well, there are two, actually, that send presents all the time.
15:31Christmas presents, birthday presents.
15:33They turn up my house with presents for the kids.
15:36But I find the word fans is a bit formal, isn't it?
15:39I prefer to just call them Mum and Dad.
15:41LAUGHTER
15:42Thanks for reminding me you've got a Mum and Dad.
15:43Very nice of you.
15:44LAUGHTER
15:47OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this,
15:49the Countdown Christmas Bells.
15:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:55APPLAUSE
15:55Here we go.
15:55APPLAUSE
15:58HE COUNTS
16:00LAUGHTER
16:06HE COUNTS
16:09LAUGHTER
16:17HE COUNTS
16:20BUZZER
16:21BUZZER
16:22LAUGHTER
16:28BUZZER
16:31BUZZER
16:33BUZZER
16:33BUZZER
16:34BUZZER
16:39BUZZER
16:39OK, let's count down every one time for the first game.
16:42Lee, Rose, you get the pick of the letters.
16:44Hey, Rachel, can we please have a consonant, Rachel?
16:46Thanks, Rose.
16:47L.
16:48Oh, it's a great start.
16:49Ooh, give me a vowel.
16:50Since it's Christmas, you don't want Noel.
16:52Vowel.
16:53LAUGHTER
16:55John Richardson.
16:59Can we have a consonant?
17:00Yeah.
17:01T.
17:02We'll do another consonant.
17:03Yeah.
17:04W.
17:06Vowel, another vowel?
17:07Yeah.
17:07I.
17:08Another consonant.
17:09Yeah, another consonant.
17:10Oh, I don't know.
17:11Let us know if we're going too fast.
17:13H.
17:14Consonant.
17:15Consonant.
17:16Please.
17:16T.
17:17Rachel, let's entertain people with a song while the clock is playing.
17:20OK.
17:21Little drummer boy?
17:22Sure.
17:23OK.
17:23All right, your time starts now.
17:26T.
17:30T.
17:31T.
17:31T.
17:37T.
17:38T.
17:38Tarot.
17:38T.
17:39T.
17:40T.
17:40T.
17:40T.
17:41H.
17:44T.
17:44Ladies keep singing
17:45Rock-a-bomb-bomb
17:48Rock-a-bomb-bomb
17:49Rock-a-bomb-bomb
17:52Ho-ho-ho
17:54Is it all
17:56Can it be
18:00Can it be
18:01Can it be
18:02Yeah
18:14Got to get this elastic band off my nuts
18:18Ali how many letters
18:20Seven
18:22Seven yeah don't talk to me like that
18:24It seemed like a lot
18:25Oh I've misread my own handwriting not seven it's a one
18:29It's a seven
18:30Seven I've got a seven as well
18:32Okay John
18:33Yeah I've got a seven
18:36Alright Jack what have you got
18:37You've got a seven okay John what have you got
18:39I've got for an eight
18:40Okay
18:41Is that the rules yeah that is the rule yeah
18:44Alright I'll go for a nine
18:47What's your nine-letter word
18:49I'll go for a seven
18:51What's your seven Lee
18:52It's the very festive holiest
18:55Holiest wow nice
18:56Rose
18:57Whistle
18:57Jack
18:58Toilets
18:59John what was your eight
19:00Tits hole
19:03No there is no such thing as a tits hole
19:05Seven points to both teams
19:07Sure
19:08That's a different word
19:12Stevie
19:12Susie
19:13Could they have done any better
19:14There's an eight here
19:16Whittles
19:16On to our first numbers round
19:18Okay
19:18John Jack you'll get to choose the numbers
19:21One big one five small ones
19:22One big one five little ones
19:23Two
19:25Eight
19:26Five
19:27Four
19:28Six
19:28I've always noticed that about you
19:29Why do you always start from the right and go to the left
19:31Carol used to do it left to right
19:32I used to like that
19:35As if you've ever watched either of us do it
19:39That's true
19:42204
19:42Your time starts now
19:52All right
19:52You
19:59Do
20:13Do
20:13Do
20:13Do
20:13Do
20:13Do
20:14So the target was 204. Rose, did you get it?
20:17No, absolutely not.
20:19All right, Lee, did you get it?
20:20Keep talking to Rose.
20:24203. John, did you get it?
20:26Yeah.
20:27Can I just say, I've been on this show quite a few times
20:28and your smugness isn't getting any better.
20:31I don't know how to say it, though.
20:32How am I supposed to say it?
20:33OK, well, let's try again, let's try again. Non-smug.
20:36John, did you get it?
20:37Yeah.
20:38I don't know how you're supposed to say it.
20:40I'll tell you how you're supposed to say it.
20:41No, I didn't get it. Give other people a chance.
20:44OK, Jack, did you get it?
20:45Er, 202.
20:47202. OK, so, John, how did you get it?
20:498 times 4, minus 5, add 75.
20:54Ah, OK, there we go. Yep, 102.
20:57And times by 2.
20:58Well done. 202.
20:59That's the only matter, really, really, really well, aren't we?
21:03That is impressive, what you can do with your mind, John.
21:08I'm very impressed. It's a shame it's come at such a price.
21:10I know.
21:11It's a shame I'm on a comedy show as well.
21:13I get so many tweets from people saying,
21:15you should go on the real one.
21:16And they either mean I'm clever or you're not funny.
21:18But either way...
21:20LAUGHTER
21:22Well, so, at the end of that, Lee and Rose have seven points.
21:25John and Jack are in the lead with 17.
21:28APPLAUSE
21:30And here is your teaser. The words are ice plops.
21:33The clue is give it a lick. That's ice plops.
21:35Give it a lick. See you after the break.
21:38APPLAUSE
21:51Welcome back. The answer to the teaser. The words were ice plops.
21:55The clue was give it a lick. It was, of course, popsicle.
21:57They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Lee and John.
22:01John, your turn to choose.
22:02A consonant, please.
22:04J.
22:05What if it's my name?
22:06All right, then.
22:07Vowel.
22:08E.
22:09It might still be your name, but the way Rose says it.
22:12Jik.
22:13LAUGHTER
22:14Consonant.
22:15N.
22:16Ooh!
22:17Could be my auntie's name.
22:19LAUGHTER
22:20She's still with us.
22:21She's still with us, yeah.
22:22LAUGHTER
22:22Yeah. Actually, I doubt it. She's probably turned over.
22:26LAUGHTER
22:27Consonant, please.
22:30F.
22:31Consonant.
22:32R.
22:33Vowel.
22:34These are shit, aren't they?
22:36Oh, John, you're an absolute idiot.
22:38Er, consonant. How do I fix this?
22:41Y.
22:41Oh, my gosh.
22:43Let's go for a Q. Let's have a consonant.
22:46N.
22:47Oh, rubbish.
22:48And a final vowel.
22:50E.
22:51OK, your times start off now.
22:53Mm-hmm, yep.
22:59OK.
23:00Wait.
23:00OK, one off.
23:07Let's go?
23:09Let's go for another vole.
23:10OK.
23:14It's fine.
23:15Yes.
23:15stumble.
23:23I'm like a big pig in a blanket.
23:27I call it the impacted colon.
23:30Does anyone...
23:31Rose, you're from New Zealand.
23:33I was worried you wouldn't have tasted traditional British Christmas fare,
23:37so I've got you some things.
23:38Oh, lovely.
23:39So I've got giant pigs in blankets, Brussels sprouts, chocolate triangle,
23:43and some eggnog.
23:45Are these giant...
23:45These are giant...
23:46Everything came out a bit big.
23:47I don't know.
23:49I feel...
23:51No, the scale of this is too much.
23:52I'm confused.
23:53I feel like a borrower.
23:56That's actually not too bad.
23:58It's pretty good, right?
23:59No, pretty good.
23:59Delicious.
24:00I got you some gingerbread men,
24:02because you're all vegans, aren't you?
24:05And what is this?
24:06That is a solid block of chocolate.
24:08I'm going to eat one.
24:09OK, can you hear...
24:11OK, I'm just going to...
24:15Yeah, it's Christmassy.
24:16It's so juicy, though, isn't it?
24:16I mean, you're meant to indulge.
24:18Oh!
24:19There's a hammer.
24:20There's a hammer there for...
24:21Yeah, that's for you, yeah.
24:33It's just more chocolate.
24:34It would be traditional in Great Britain.
24:36Today on the eggnog would be...
24:37That's like a British thing.
24:38Oh, my God.
24:39Mmm.
24:41Mmm.
24:44That's too much milk.
24:46That's too much milk for me.
24:48It's a good catchphrase.
24:50LAUGHTER
24:51No-one's taken that one yet.
24:53LAUGHTER
24:54That's too much milk.
24:55That's too much milk for me.
24:57Oh, it's Rose Matafayo.
24:59It's all tricks again.
25:01The gingerbread's quite nice, actually.
25:03It is...
25:04I'm a cook.
25:04I'm quite keen.
25:05Could I try some?
25:06No.
25:07OK.
25:09What is your signature dish?
25:11Well, we take it in turns to cook the turkey.
25:15So last year, I cooked it,
25:18and so this year we're not going to cook it.
25:20LAUGHTER
25:21And have it raw.
25:23LAUGHTER
25:26What is that?
25:27It's a pig in a blanket.
25:29It's a...
25:29It's a pig in a blanket.
25:31Oh, I heard you.
25:34It's a whole pig in a blanket.
25:35I'm sorry, I'm eating it next to a vegan.
25:38I don't mind.
25:38I don't mind?
25:39Yeah, I just...
25:39I'm not ethical vegan.
25:40I just shit myself if I eat meat.
25:42LAUGHTER
25:43Cool.
25:44I've had an idea for the finale of the show.
25:46Yeah.
25:47We've got Stevie's catchphrase now as well.
25:49LAUGHTER
25:50LAUGHTER
25:50OK, John, how many?
25:51We were playing a game of Countdown before all this.
25:54A six.
25:55A six.
25:55OK, Lee, how many?
25:57Six.
25:57John, what's your six?
25:59Ensure.
26:00Ensure.
26:01Susie's not even interested.
26:02Look, she's just eating.
26:03What was that?
26:04LAUGHTER
26:06LAUGHTER
26:06Ensure.
26:07Is ensure a word?
26:08Oh, ensure is definitely a word, yeah.
26:09All right, yeah.
26:10Sure, can't even be arsed to look it up, can you?
26:13Lee, your six?
26:15Ensure.
26:18On proper Countdown, they'd hold up their bit of paper
26:20to show they're working to the person they've got the same...
26:22On proper Countdown, they've got a proper...
26:23I'm going to have a post.
26:25LAUGHTER
26:27APPLAUSE
26:27That would take it.
26:31On proper Countdown, you don't stop for fucking dinner.
26:34LAUGHTER
26:35No, of course I didn't have it, sure.
26:37What did you have?
26:38Uh, dunas.
26:39Did you use that in a sentence?
26:40Well, I don't know, do you like...
26:41Are you...
26:42Ask me if I like going out in, uh...
26:43August or September.
26:46Ask me.
26:47Do you like going out in August or September?
26:49Neither.
26:49I'm more of a Juner.
26:51LAUGHTER
26:51There's loads of us.
26:52Well, it's all the Juners.
26:55Juners.
26:55It's not...
26:56It would have a capital letter anyway, Lee.
26:58Well, six points to John!
27:00APPLAUSE
27:02Uh, Stevie, Susie, could they have done any better?
27:04Uh, no, six is the best, so you could have had Jersey, Unseen or Nursie.
27:08What was the last one?
27:10Nursie.
27:11Oh, are you going to call your nanny?
27:12I was made by machines.
27:13Oh.
27:15It's too much milk for me, Nursie.
27:19OK, so at the end of that, Lee and Rose have seven points.
27:22John and Jack are in the lead with 23.
27:24APPLAUSE
27:27Right, now time for Rose and Jack to go head-to-head, OK?
27:30Rose, your turn to pick the numbers.
27:31Oh, Christ.
27:32OK, um, uh...
27:34Christ, not at first.
27:36LAUGHTER
27:37Rose wants a word.
27:39He has spoken.
27:42He has...
27:43LAUGHTER
27:44Two big, three small, please.
27:46Right, we've got to do what the man says.
27:47You'd think he wouldn't want to pick two by four.
27:51LAUGHTER
27:51Wow, wow, wow, wow.
27:55APPLAUSE
27:59All right, we've got four, three, five, two, 75 and 100.
28:06And the target?
28:07385.
28:08OK, and your time starts now.
28:19MUSIC PLAYS
28:36So the target was 385.
28:38Yeah.
28:38Rose, did you get it?
28:39I got it.
28:40I got it.
28:40I actually got it.
28:40APPLAUSE
28:44Rose, tell us how you did it.
28:46Ooh, three times 100.
28:48300.
28:49Two times five, 10.
28:52Plus 75.
28:54Plus the 300?
28:55Yeah, 385.
28:56Oh, my good God.
28:58APPLAUSE
29:01I didn't write down the 100.
29:04You didn't write down the 100.
29:06No, I was really in a sweat thinking, this just can't be done.
29:10LAUGHTER
29:10I can do it, surely.
29:12Rachel, could you do it without the 100?
29:13You just add two to the 75 and times the five.
29:15All right, who cares?
29:16LAUGHTER
29:18OK, time now to go across the dictionary corner.
29:21Stevie, what have you got for us?
29:22Just some hot tips to improve your online hygiene, James.
29:25Erm, so, OK, doom scrolling is a thing.
29:28You know, you're scrolling through, you're feeling worse and worse.
29:30When that happens, you've just got to stop, you've got to refocus.
29:34So how do you refocus?
29:35Well, you can do numerous things.
29:37I like to find social media accounts that are quite motivational.
29:41We've all seen these things, they're very helpful.
29:43There's so much you can learn from other people.
29:45You just listen, you know?
29:47Erm, and if, like, for some reason that hasn't worked,
29:51erm, I'll just play a game.
29:52That's really easy, like, you know, like, Candy Crush or Cow Toss,
29:55just something really simple like that.
29:56What's Cow Toss?
29:57Just where you toss cows.
29:59Not... Sorry.
30:00Not like that, obviously.
30:01Erm, you just wank them off.
30:05Erm, other tips?
30:07Erm, I guess, like, learn how to use emojis.
30:09People don't use them properly, erm,
30:11and we can express so much more using emojis
30:14than we ever could using words, I think.
30:16You know, I can say I'm happy, I can say I'm sad, sure,
30:19but I can also say I'm Easter Island head
30:21and two fish flapping on a pole, option.
30:23Some people are kind of concerned
30:25because we're starting to speak in emojis.
30:27People say, you know, that's fire, and, erm, I heart that.
30:31And I know it makes linguists like yourself
30:33quite yellow-sad bald man, but...
30:36LAUGHTER
30:36You know, if old Billiam Shakespeare-ington was here today,
30:42erm, you know, he'd be doing emoji plays,
30:44he'd be innovating,
30:45and, er, you would pay to see Emoji Macbeth.
30:48It's more succinct.
30:49The original, or, like, I don't know, Emoji, Romeo and Juliet,
30:53I've only seen the Baz Luhrmann version,
30:54so I'm not sure if I've ever seen even accurate.
30:57But I have also seen that you're trying your best, erm, Jimmy,
31:01and, sort of, my Christmas present to you, I guess,
31:03is I've created the, er, Jim-oji,
31:05which we can all use.
31:06Er, he laughed so hard he's cried.
31:10Er...
31:10HE LAUGHS
31:13He's also cried so hard at Tilted,
31:15same sounds, but...
31:17And then, of course, a tilty cry laughed so hard
31:19I vomited out my own shit.
31:21APPLAUSE
31:24And here is your teaser.
31:25The words are elf-paps, the clue is that wafts.
31:28That's elf-paps, that wafts.
31:29See you after the break.
31:38APPLAUSE
31:42Welcome back.
31:42The answer to the teaser, the words were elf-paps,
31:44the clue was that wafts.
31:46It was, of course, flappers.
31:48OK, before we go on, he's not been invited on the show,
31:50but he's turned up anyway.
31:52It's...it's Joe Wilkinson.
31:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:07It's beautiful.
32:08Hi, Joe.
32:09How's your Christmas been?
32:11Shite.
32:11It's been shite.
32:13I'll be honest with you, I had quite a big dinner,
32:15and, er, turns out, when I put weight on, it goes on my arse.
32:19LAUGHTER
32:20Which, er, seems unfair, and he had a couple of stuffing balls.
32:24LAUGHTER
32:28I don't want any stuffing balls, mate.
32:30Look at my arse!
32:31Look at it!
32:32Look at it!
32:33What's, er...
32:33What's going on with Fabio's shorts?
32:35He had a big dinner as well, and, erm...
32:38Turns out when he puts a bit of weight on, it goes on his knob and balls.
32:41LAUGHTER
32:43And you're like, oh...
32:45That's a lovely drop, Ray.
32:47APPLAUSE
32:50I thought while I was here, we could play a quick parlour game.
32:53Oh, lovely, OK.
32:54Yeah, bring on the cannon.
32:55Probably already guessed what parlour game we're going to play.
32:58LAUGHTER
32:59It's the parlour game where, er, I'm shy out of a cannon, and, er...
33:04..the teams here have to guess how many members of the audience
33:07they either knock unconscious or seriously hurt.
33:10LAUGHTER
33:11God, I feel Christmasy now.
33:14LAUGHTER
33:14Let's play a parlour game.
33:15Come on, let's play.
33:16MUSIC PLAYS
33:18Fuck off.
33:19MUSIC PLAYS
33:21MUSIC PLAYS
33:26OK, so Joe's getting into the cannon.
33:29So, er, Lee, John, how many of our studio audience
33:31do you think will be knocked unconscious?
33:33Er, I'm going to go four... nine.
33:36I'll do the, er, tactical prick thing and I'll go ten.
33:39LAUGHTER
33:39Joe, er, are you ready?
33:41I'm ready, Jimmy.
33:43LAUGHTER
33:44OK, Fabiola, parlour game.
33:47Light the fuse, you twat.
33:49LAUGHTER
34:01MUSIC PLAYS
34:04LAUGHTER
34:06Well, that went well.
34:08LAUGHTER
34:09OK, yeah.
34:10My arse is rubbing against the side.
34:15LAUGHTER
34:15Yeah, yeah.
34:18LAUGHTER
34:18LAUGHTER
34:20Yeah, my arse is slowing me down.
34:25LAUGHTER
34:27LAUGHTER
34:28LAUGHTER
34:37Yeah, we need a slightly larger cannon.
34:41LAUGHTER
34:42Never mind, let's play cannon!
34:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
34:47OK, over the game.
34:49Um, just see if he can get to his feet.
34:51If he can't, it's not a disaster.
34:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
34:59APPLAUSE
35:00APPLAUSE
35:02OK, er, Lee, Rose, your turn to choose the letters.
35:05Consonant?
35:05R.
35:07Vowel?
35:09Ooh!
35:10Consonant?
35:12D.
35:13D.
35:13Oh.
35:13Consonant?
35:14M.
35:15Vowel?
35:16Vowel.
35:16Oh.
35:19I'll get it.
35:26Hyphen.
35:28Hyphen.
35:30LAUGHTER
35:30LAUGHTER
35:32Never mind hyphen, I just saw a massive colon.
35:35LAUGHTER
35:37APPLAUSE
35:39Er, we'll go for a consonant, please.
35:41You can have an in.
35:42And another consonant.
35:44And an out.
35:45I think a vowel and consonant, right?
35:46Yeah.
35:47Yeah.
35:48LAUGHTER
35:50LAUGHTER
35:52A U.
35:53Fair play for it, fair play to you.
35:55OK, your time starts now.
35:57MUSIC PLAYS
35:59MUSIC PLAYS
36:01MUSIC PLAYS
36:02MUSIC PLAYS
36:06MUSIC PLAYS
36:11MUSIC PLAYS
36:17MUSIC PLAYS
36:20MUSIC PLAYS
36:22MUSIC PLAYS
36:23MUSIC PLAYS
36:25MUSIC PLAYS
36:25MUSIC PLAYS
36:26MUSIC PLAYS
36:26MUSIC PLAYS
36:26MUSIC PLAYS
36:27Lee how many five
36:30Rose seven Oh
36:32John six
36:33Jack six I leave your five
36:37Rubens Jack you're six unslim what you are after Christmas
36:44Susie is it a word okay John your six rounds
36:48Rose your seven letter word is a total guess nimrods. Yeah
37:02It can mean either it's really skillful hunter or
37:06Someone who's a bit of a dork and I was in no way inspired by the people around me. I
37:10will say that
37:11Stevie Susie could they have done any better? Yes for eight. They could have drumlins
37:17What's that? Yes, they are low oval mounds. Okay, so the end of that Lee and Rose are in the
37:22lead with 24 points
37:28Okay, time to go across once again to dictionary corner Stevie Martin any more advice for us
37:32Yes, I do have some more advice for you and learn how to take a selfie
37:36Please we've had like a decade to get to grips with selfies and some people just still haven't figured it
37:42out and
37:45There are lots of different categories or different types of selfies
37:47So you've got your lift selfie and you've got to make sure there's a mirror in the lift. Otherwise, it's
37:52not quite as effective
37:55You've got your own wealthy had kovid you've got your fucking healthy. It does happen
38:00The different types of selfies there are and but how do you take a good one? Well, it's really hard
38:05You know the first time I tried I blinked
38:08In the wrong way
38:11This one is too close
38:13That one's too much kettle
38:15And this one's just too much information. You've got to hold something back
38:21What I learned though is that you can just use a photo editing app so for example
38:26I didn't just put this on Instagram. I didn't even see but there's like little wispy hairs there
38:29So I just facetune them out. You can't really tell this
38:34I don't know
38:35I don't know
38:35I don't know
38:38And here is your final teaser. The words are pegsanta. The clue is bit showy. That's pegsanta bit showy. See
38:45you after the break
38:45Thank you
39:00Welcome back the answer to the tease the words were pegsanta. The clue was a bit showy. It was of
39:05course pageants
39:06Could you stop twerking please Joe?
39:12Are you honestly twerking then?
39:14No
39:15You can head off now
39:23It's the Christmas special everyone
39:26Before we go on, it's Christmas so let's play a quick game of Pull My Cracker
39:34Okay, here's how this works. I read the first line of some classic Christmas cracker jokes
39:38All you have to do is buzz in when you think you know the punchline. Couldn't be easier. You ready?
39:42What does sheep say to each other at Christmas time?
39:47Thankfoot we're not turkeys
39:50Jack?
39:51Um, well happy Christmas to you
39:53Maybe I'll give you that Merry Christmas to you. The right answer. Yes a point to Jack
39:58Yeah
39:59Okay, how does a snowman get to work?
40:04Lee? I didn't press the button. No, I did
40:05Oh, go on. Jack, sorry
40:07Why is he got one under the table?
40:09I wondered how you were doing that. I thought you had an electric penis
40:13What was the question again?
40:15Do you mean what was the question? You buzzed?
40:17Or do you just want to get out of the bath?
40:21Yeah
40:22How does a snowman get to work?
40:24Well, if it's in July in a bucket
40:28Go on
40:29A snowmobile?
40:30Well, that's a bit practical rather than a joke
40:34Is it a Ford Fiesta too, Lee?
40:38Icicle
40:39Because it rhymes with bicycle
40:40Yeah, buy icicle, I'll give you that
40:42Yeah, that's a right answer
40:43Buy icicle
40:44Buy icicle
40:45Oh, you're so politically correct
40:48Why doesn't Santa use the NHS?
40:50Ah, well
40:51Well, you're not a UK resident
41:00I think I know it
41:01Yeah, go on
41:02Can I say?
41:02Because he's got private elf care
41:05That's the right answer, yes
41:06What does Santa spend his wages on?
41:08Oh
41:10All his different hoes and area codes
41:14Frostitudes
41:23It was in fact Jingle Bills
41:25Where do elves go to dance?
41:28The jailhouse
41:31What?
41:31What?
41:32What?
41:32Read it again
41:35Oh, sorry
41:37Elves
41:38I think it'd be Christmas balls
41:44Christmas
41:44I'll give you that
41:45Snowballs is the right answer
41:46Snowballs
41:47Gaggy's absolutely won this
41:49Five bonus points to John and Jack
41:51Oh, no!
41:53Sorry
41:56I look forward to being your nan at Christmas playing charades
42:00Another point for me, Nana
42:01Is your nan still alive?
42:03My nan's not alive anymore, Lee
42:05Piece of shit
42:07Piece of shit
42:08I'll teach her to get in a car with my parents
42:09Particularly...
42:11It's particularly poignant if you should bring that up
42:13She actually died at Christmas when we were playing a game charades
42:16She had a fit and she died with us all around her going
42:20Is it a book or a film?
42:21LAUGHTER
42:24OK, time for our final letters game
42:26John and Jack, your turn to choose
42:28Come on now
42:29We want this
42:30A vowel, please
42:32Wallet
42:33Consonant
42:35E
42:35T
42:36All right
42:37And a vowel
42:39A consonant
42:41M
42:42And a consonant
42:43S
42:45Another vowel, please
42:46Another I
42:48A consonant
42:49R
42:50And a consonant
42:51H
42:52Another vowel, please
42:53And A
42:55OK, and your 30 seconds starts now
42:58Oh, the weather outside is frightful
43:01But the fire is so delightful
43:05And since we've no place to go
43:08Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow
43:12Oh, the fire will slowly die
43:15And my dear, we're still good-bye
43:19But as long as you love yourself
43:21Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow
43:43Oh, God
43:43I can't believe the size of your head and I can't hit it
43:46LAUGHTER
43:49LAUGHTER
43:51LAUGHTER
43:53Lee, how many?
43:55Seven
43:56Oh, Rose, how many?
43:57Seven
43:58John, how many?
43:59Eight
44:00Oh!
44:01Yes!
44:02Jack?
44:02Six
44:03OK, Jack, your six
44:06Mr. Lee, your seven
44:08Hammiest
44:10The most Hammi
44:11The most Hammi of the actors
44:12It was Hammi as you'd need two Ms
44:13OK, Rose
44:15Airmites
44:16Airmites?
44:17A-I-R
44:17You went for airmites
44:18Airmites
44:19Oh, no, no, no, it's because it's too much
44:20No, so I'm going for hamster
44:21Hamster, hamster
44:23Is that your safe word?
44:25LAUGHTER
44:25This is too much milk
44:27This is too much milk
44:28Hamster, hamster
44:28LAUGHTER
44:29John, your eight
44:31Hairiest
44:32Ooh!
44:33Very good
44:34APPLAUSE
44:35Eight points to John and Jack
44:37Wow
44:39Really
44:39Really good
44:41Stevie, Susie, could they have done any better?
44:42Sari ate him, which is also an eight
44:44So if you discuss matters Sari ate him, you discuss them point by point
44:49OK
44:50Lee and Rose have 24 points, John and Jack have 36
44:53So fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum
44:56Your time starts
44:57Get your finger on that
44:58Now
44:59Oh, no
44:59I was going to say distract
44:59No
44:59No
44:59No
45:39Yeah, go on
45:40Side track
45:41Let's have a look
45:41That's the right answer
45:43Yeah
45:47Wow
45:48Lee and Rose, you've got 34 points, John and Jack are the winners, you're now the proud owners of this,
45:53the Countdown Christmas Bells!
45:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:57Thanks to all our panelists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching home, that's it from us,
46:01good night, Merry Christmas!
46:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:23AND APPLAUSE
46:23AND APPLAUSE
46:23AND APPLAUSE
46:23AND APPLAUSE
46:25AND APPLAUSE
46:28AND APPLAUSE
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