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8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown - S29E01 - 16 January 2026 [Full Movie] [Long Version]Full EP - Full
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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr Jimmy Carr!
00:04Ta-da! Hey!
00:07What? Thank you. Thank you very much.
00:16Manage your expectations.
00:18Now, have we got a show for you?
00:20That remains to be seen.
00:22I'll tell you what we do have. Go wild and crazy.
00:24I'll bring them all out at the same time.
00:25We've got John Richardson, Rob Beckett, Judy Love,
00:27Katherine Parkinson, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:32That's something for the show.
00:35Let's count down.
00:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:38Get in there.
00:40Right.
00:42Let's go.
00:44Oh, yeah.
00:46Spoiler alert, John wins.
00:49LAUGHTER
00:50OK, everyone, we're ready to go. Let's do this.
00:52MUSIC PLAYS
01:15APPLAUSE
01:18MUSIC PALS
01:25She's realised, you'd like to play it.
01:27Hello and welcome to a ten cats does countdown a show about letters numbers and conundrums
01:33Okay, let's meet tonight's players. First up. We've got team captain John Richardson
01:44Big dog, daddy. That's what I'm talking about
01:48Well one at one of those words is factually correct. Yeah, and it's not big or dog
01:54You've got to hand it to John because he's so small. He can't reach it by himself
02:00It's people meet me and they genuinely think I'm about three foot two
02:05And John's teammate Judy love
02:11Judy once went to a concert to see her favorite band blue and got so excited that she threw her
02:17bra on stage
02:18killing all four
02:25Who's your favorite member of blue? I love blue. I think it was Simon Simon was lovely, but the bra
02:31was yeah
02:31It did it was like it was like a tent like one love it was just like
02:37Up against them this evening. We've got team captain Rob Beckett
02:46We do a lot of jokes about Rob's teeth
02:48But to be serious for a second if you are feeding him remember flat palm and let him come to
02:53you
02:58They're crazy the banks are they are they veneers or they they're your own teeth
03:08They are bigger they're running out
03:15joining Rob tonight, it's Katherine Parkinson
03:22Katherine is an actress in her 40s, so there's still lots of parts for her on television whether she wants
03:28to play a divorced mother of five
03:30An aging spinster or a kindly grandmother. There's all kinds of opportunities
03:36I'm only just in my 40s. I'm nearly out my 40s, but so thank you
03:41John now you really you voiced grouchy Smurf in the Smurfs movie. How did you get that wrong? Why were
03:47you cast?
03:49Well, I think fanny smasher Smurf had already been cast
03:58It's in the deleted scenes, but it's well worth checking out
04:01If you nip out to the toilet, there's a chance you missed my entire input to the film
04:06Technically I was in a film with Rihanna, and she doesn't know who the hell I am
04:13You don't know film on yes, you're like a bird that commentates on films. Yes, and you're in Cinderella, which
04:18we love yes, I was in Cinderella
04:25but
04:25I was the pervert trying to get off of her. It's good. They'll let you keep the glasses though
04:35Can I tell you that I mean part of the reason we watched that is because
04:41My husband originally had that part, but they had him in his costume and he did a scene and they
04:47thought he looked too pervy
04:50So they got someone who looks pervy
04:51I think though can we look about look very young as Cinderella very young and my husband is is yes
04:59my age and a convicted
05:01pervert
05:03Judy what would be your perfect day off?
05:06I think it'd be at home not having to do any kind of maths or
05:11Work with numbers and words and shit like this. I
05:16Don't want to cook. I don't want to talk to no one. I don't want to know. I don't want
05:20to do anything
05:20I'll be honest you asked me what who said I'd get but I've got kids when you say you've got
05:25kids
05:25How many kids you got to yeah, how old are they dude? One's 21? Yeah, but I think I'm count
05:31You're not the front line of a three-year-old
05:35Rob you've got a mascot. Yes, I do. I have got mascot actually
05:38So one of my favorite pastimes little hobby of mine is tripping up children
05:45When you've got kids you're a lot of parties soft plays and there's always a couple of idiot kids that
05:49are being mean to your kids
05:51So a little as they're sprinting past being that a little leg out
05:56Just to catch him on the run and
05:58Ever do it to your own child or no
06:00I don't know but I don't I don't just do it to all if they just you know
06:03I'm getting older kids are getting younger and quicker and stuff like that
06:06So what I've got is I've had some special shoes made to help me with the tripping up because it
06:11can get difficult
06:12So I've got these they're only a prototype think they're gonna take off
06:25I
06:25I
06:25Like to see these yeah, so obviously I've got them to look like normal shoes people don't know this
06:41Well, you can say you can
06:51They're cool
06:53Yeah, I think they might catch on
06:55A classic pair of sort of lace-up trainers
06:58Say you're at a party. You just sat down having a chat
07:02You're having a drink kid run past you in a coffee shop. Fuck off
07:07And then you're this easy to go twat
07:11Can you run in those? What's that? Can you? I'm not chasing kids
07:15You look like someone who chases kids
07:35You know
07:38You know
07:39I
07:39I
07:40I
07:40I
07:40I
07:42I
07:42I
07:44I
07:46LAUGHTER
07:48It's quite a long...
07:50Robbecker, everyone. She's got a match of shoes.
07:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:57It's got a sort of...
07:59Oh, my...
08:00Catherine, um... Catherine, have you got a mascot?
08:03Yeah, but it's nothing like that. I mean, you've created yours.
08:06Have you made those yourself? Absolutely.
08:08That's... I mean, this is... This is shop-bought, what I've got.
08:12And it's just to relieve tension in the drawer,
08:15but when I first got it, I did...
08:17I used it this way for quite a while,
08:19until somebody told me it was actually this way.
08:23And you do it, put it... Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
08:26What is going on there? It looks good.
08:29That's very briefly, like, the same work that I've had done.
08:33LAUGHTER
08:34It'll have bits of my dead skin on it now, but...
08:36Not a problem. Go ahead.
08:38LAUGHTER
08:39It's nice, isn't it?
08:42It doesn't look great.
08:44Someone...
08:45Someone's going to Photoshop something in there, Rob.
08:48LAUGHTER
08:49As it pushes its back, it unlocks the jaw.
08:52It does, it does.
08:53Because they're white as well,
08:54it looks like your teeth are sort of escaping.
08:57LAUGHTER
08:58It's going to pull them back.
09:00Judy, have you got a mascot?
09:02I have.
09:03Because when I come on the show, I get a bit nervous.
09:06I'm always worried about, like, what's going to be the end result.
09:10But because of that, I thought, let me just relax myself.
09:13I've got my crystal ball, so I can get predictions.
09:18Ooh!
09:19Yeah.
09:19I can see things.
09:20Like, now I can see this gorgeous, gorgeous woman.
09:24Very, very... Oh, God, look at her.
09:26Just hot.
09:27Oh, sorry, that's me.
09:28Sorry.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:29But I can see lots of little things.
09:32I can see John at home by himself,
09:35arguing with a thermostat.
09:38LAUGHTER
09:40I'm not paying these prices, I'll put a card on.
09:42Yeah, yeah.
09:44Susie, I can see Susie in the afterlife
09:47having a conversation.
09:48Well, actually pulling up God,
09:50because he said Pacific instead of specific.
09:53LAUGHTER
09:54Have a break, girl. Have a break.
09:56Do you know what I mean?
09:56So, yeah, I can see...
09:59Susie's dead in that.
10:00Yeah, but she's not...
10:01She buried the lead on that.
10:02How did she die?
10:03She doesn't die by being tripped up, does she?
10:06LAUGHTER
10:07But what I mainly can predict is that we're going to win.
10:12The silence!
10:13That was killing.
10:15LAUGHTER
10:16Of course, Susie, let's enjoy while we got it.
10:18OK, John, have you got a mascot?
10:20Yes, well, it's a business venture, really, Jimmy.
10:23Oh.
10:23So I've gone into music, tribute bands,
10:26a lot of coin in tributes.
10:28So I found this guy who does Elvis.
10:30First of all, he was my first act.
10:32But he was a bit...
10:33Well, he was shit.
10:34So people would ask who he was.
10:36So we had to rename him Elvish.
10:41So sometimes...
10:41Sometimes you want to update an act
10:43while you're doing the tribute.
10:44So I've got a modern Johnny Cash,
10:47called Johnny Contacts.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:51And I sort of brought all the songs up into the modern age.
10:55He's got a song about Dodgy Market called Ring of Fire Sticks.
10:58LAUGHTER
10:59I've got a one-man Led Zeppelin,
11:02cos I can't afford all of them,
11:03so that's Les Zeppelin.
11:06LAUGHTER
11:07I've got loads of these.
11:08I've got a one-man Iron Maiden.
11:10Brian Maiden.
11:12LAUGHTER
11:12I've got as many of these as you want.
11:14One-man take that, Jake that.
11:16Oh, please.
11:17LAUGHTER
11:18And then I saw the Oasis gigs,
11:20and I thought, well, there's got to be coin in that.
11:22I thought one thing that puts people off going to the Oasis gigs,
11:24I think there's a bit of a reputation for being quite laddy
11:26and quite unpleasant...
11:27Oh, piss-throwing and all that.
11:29So I thought, how do you change that?
11:30Well, you just...
11:31The music speaks for itself,
11:32so you just make it less laddy and less toxic.
11:34So I've got a tribute band called Oasissters.
11:37LAUGHTER
11:38And I'm delighted to say, making their TV debut,
11:41I've brought them along tonight.
11:42So, ladies and gentlemen, Oasissters are here.
11:46Oh!
11:46APPLAUSE
11:57So Sally can wait
11:59She knows it's too late
12:02Says we're walking on by
12:07The soul slides away
12:13Don't look back in anger
12:15I heard you say
12:25You were slightly okay.
12:27You were.
12:28The only key that I need
12:30is the one that I'm going to scrape down your fucking cat.
12:34You know, you are a woman with a soup spoon
12:38in a world full of steak.
12:41LAUGHTER
12:43I've had a fucking enough of this.
12:45I'm fucking off.
12:47You?
12:48You weasel in cardigan-wearing little squats.
12:52LAUGHTER
12:52You better pay us what you owe.
12:55Yeah, I agree with her, actually.
12:57And I've got big hands.
13:00LAUGHTER
13:06And over in Dictionary Corner, please welcome Spencer Jones.
13:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:14All right?
13:20Well, Spencer, good to have you back.
13:21What have you been up to recently?
13:23I've been...
13:24Everyone's got a dodgy offie that they go to.
13:27But what I like to do, when I go to the dodgy offie,
13:29give the boys the red stripe, empty the bag,
13:31put the bag on your head like that,
13:33put that round that ear like that,
13:34and then round that ear like that,
13:35and then...
13:42You might get signed by...
13:44I'll take it.
13:46Want some more?
13:47Yeah!
13:49I'm sure the best thing I came up with in lockdown.
13:51All right?
13:52I'll be honest, it's the only thing I came up with in lockdown.
13:55Ahem.
13:56Ahem.
13:57Happy Mother's Day!
14:00Happy Mother's Day!
14:02APPLAUSE
14:05I got banned!
14:07I got banned from TikTok for that.
14:09LAUGHTER
14:10Oh, my God!
14:12There's one other thing.
14:13There we go.
14:15Sometimes when you're visiting a hospital,
14:17you know, it's a sad time.
14:18People are dying.
14:19But they've got plenty of these knocking around,
14:21which you can nick.
14:23You know, no-one will have a go at you.
14:24You can do sort of like,
14:25You lie! It's fine!
14:27LAUGHTER
14:33It's too cheap, it's too cheap.
14:35Anyone got work tomorrow?
14:37LAUGHTER
14:38Me too.
14:40What you can do, when you pull it up like that,
14:42you put one finger in like that,
14:43and then that one comes through there like that,
14:44and then that finger go in there like that,
14:46and then that one and that,
14:47and then...
14:48ROLL AWAY!
14:49LAUGHTER
14:53And they'll be dying, but they'll be laughing.
14:56And then what you can do,
14:57you squeeze it like that,
14:58and then twist it like that,
14:59and then...
15:00and he's like that.
15:01LAUGHTER
15:02They are brilliant!
15:06APPLAUSE
15:07APPLAUSE
15:10APPLAUSE
15:10Spencer Jones.
15:11APPLAUSE
15:13And with Spencer, of course, it's Susie Dent.
15:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:20Last Valentine's Day,
15:21Susie Dent co-wrote a romantic radio drama.
15:24I listened to it, Susie, and I'll be honest with you,
15:26I was bored stiff.
15:27LAUGHTER
15:28Susie, what words make you laugh?
15:31Lots of words make me laugh.
15:33In the historical dictionary,
15:35there's a word for someone who wishes bad luck upon someone else,
15:39and they're described as ill-willy.
15:41If you are kind towards someone, you were good-willy,
15:44and if you really wish death and destruction on someone,
15:47you were evil-willy.
15:48LAUGHTER
15:49And these are all from the 17th century.
15:51I can't imagine you've ever been described as being good-willy.
15:55OK.
15:56And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley!
16:01APPLAUSE
16:02APPLAUSE
16:02APPLAUSE
16:04Rachel, have you ever been tempted to get a tattoo?
16:07You know, I feel like everyone's got one except me,
16:09so I would quite like to get one.
16:11My brother's got absolutely loads,
16:13but you've got to get it right, haven't you?
16:14You've got to get something meaningful,
16:15something you don't regret.
16:16So, I'm thinking of getting your face, like, here,
16:21so, like, the mouth can be my belly button,
16:23because, basically, I really want to know what it looks like
16:25to see your face on real human skin.
16:29LAUGHTER
16:36OK, the prize that teams will be competing for tonight
16:38is this, the Countdown Fencing Kit.
16:40APPLAUSE
16:48This should be good.
16:50Oh.
16:51Ooh.
16:51Maybe get...
16:52Maybe a little bit closer together, guys.
16:54Just edge...
16:54Maybe a little bit...
16:56Just a touch closer.
16:57Just a tad...
17:09I thought they were beekeepers.
17:12One in the blue.
17:13Let's see your face.
17:14Hey.
17:15I knew the second one was a brother.
17:16I knew it.
17:17I don't know, it was just something in his walk.
17:19I said that to him.
17:19You said, you said,
17:20I could tell from his walk he was black
17:21and I didn't know what to say.
17:23LAUGHTER
17:25Literally.
17:26Yeah.
17:27I've whispered it to John.
17:28I was hoping John would say it.
17:29Yeah.
17:30But I didn't want it to get cancelled.
17:31But I just...
17:32I just saw it in his walk.
17:34LAUGHTER
17:35I don't know what that man is called, but, um...
17:38RUN!
17:39LAUGHTER
17:41OK, let's Countdown everyone.
17:43Time for the first game.
17:43Rob and Katherine, you get the first pick of the letters.
17:46A vowel, please.
17:47Yeah.
17:48Can I have an E?
17:48A consonant, please.
17:51N.
17:52Uh, another vowel, please.
17:54A.
17:55Uh, a consonant.
17:56G.
17:57Another vowel, please.
17:59I.
17:59A consonant.
18:00S.
18:01Uh, uh, another consonant, please.
18:03L.
18:04A vowel.
18:05U.
18:06And another vowel, please.
18:10LAUGHTER
18:10Now, can we stop a second?
18:13When you said that, the crowd oohed, which I felt like...
18:16You'd made a bad decision, but I wasn't listening probably so much.
18:20Shall we switch?
18:20Do we think that's too many vowels?
18:22Can I...
18:22Consonant, please?
18:23Consonant.
18:23Yeah, go for it, go for it, please.
18:25Very unusual that someone messes up the picking of the letters.
18:28LAUGHTER
18:29OK, while you crack on with that, I've got a side hustle.
18:31I'm a couples therapist.
18:33LAUGHTER
18:35OK.
18:37Right.
18:38LAUGHTER
18:41Next.
18:49This is, uh, this is Mark Obama and Oprah Woofrey.
18:53LAUGHTER
18:55And your time starts now.
18:57Uh, well, where should we begin?
18:59OK, well, tell me about your sex life.
19:02LAUGHTER
19:03So you just do it doggy style, do you?
19:06LAUGHTER
19:07Mark Obama, you're saying she won't let you bury her bone any more?
19:11LAUGHTER
19:12LAUGHTER
19:13You can't, if you don't mind me saying, real dog breath.
19:16LAUGHTER
19:16How did you two meet?
19:17LAUGHTER
19:18Dogging?
19:20LAUGHTER
19:20Mate, I think you should leave her, she's a bitch.
19:24LAUGHTER
19:25LAUGHTER
19:27LAUGHTER
19:27Well, I see you two have, uh, made up now.
19:29So that'll be £500, please.
19:32LAUGHTER
19:32LAUGHTER
19:34OK, round of applause, everyone, for our dogs and their handlers.
19:38APPLAUSE
19:43Uh, Rob, how many?
19:45Six.
19:46Catherine, how many?
19:47Six.
19:48Six, OK.
19:49Judy?
19:50Six.
19:50John, how many?
19:51Seven.
19:52OK, Rob, what's your six?
19:53Aliens.
19:54Catherine, your six?
19:55Claws.
19:56Oh, nice.
19:57Judy, your six?
19:58I had uncles.
20:00All right, John, for the win, your seven.
20:03Er...
20:03Glances.
20:05Oh!
20:06Wow!
20:07He really did, isn't he?
20:09Seven points to John.
20:12Uh, Susie, could they have done you better?
20:14You could have had lunacies for eight.
20:16So, at the end of that, John and Judy are in the lead with seven points.
20:20APPLAUSE
20:22On to our first numbers round.
20:24Judy, you get your pick of the numbers.
20:27Er...
20:27No, just do it.
20:28Ten.
20:28Ten.
20:30You can have up to four big ones.
20:32Yeah.
20:33And then the rest little ones.
20:34So, I'll pick...
20:37Ten.
20:38No.
20:39What numbers?
20:41Well, you don't get to pick the numbers, that's why it's fun.
20:44So, you get to say two big or three big or four big.
20:47OK, so, three big ones.
20:49Three big ones.
20:49Ooh.
20:50And how many?
20:51Four.
20:51I don't think we were going to win this round.
20:54Or four small ones.
20:56Shall we go for three small ones?
20:57Yeah, three small.
20:58How many numbers can we pick all together?
20:59Six.
21:00It's changed.
21:01Has that changed?
21:02They haven't even changed the fucking chair.
21:04Babe, it's changed.
21:06Richard Whiteley died in that chair.
21:08They haven't changed the fucking game.
21:11It was different last time when I was picking numbers.
21:15Exactly the same.
21:16You predicted the future tonight, you didn't see this coming.
21:19LAUGHTER
21:19OK, three small ones.
21:21Seven, nine and ten.
21:24You've got your ten.
21:25And the big ones.
21:26Fifty, twenty-five and one hundred.
21:29Oh, yes!
21:29I remember that.
21:31112.
21:32OK, your target is 112.
21:34Your time starts now.
21:35No.
21:36Do you have to use it?
21:37I'm sorry.
21:41Right, I'm going to do it.
21:46Oh, I know.
21:49OK.
22:08No one else.
22:09Yes!
22:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:14We've done it right!
22:17Rob, did you get it?
22:19Yeah!
22:20First time ever.
22:22Really quick.
22:23Can I check, you don't have to use all the numbers, do you?
22:26Yes.
22:27OK.
22:28We don't have to use all the numbers!
22:31Judy!
22:34Judy!
22:35Did you get it?
22:36Well, if I knew that we didn't have to use all the numbers,
22:39of course I would have bloody got it!
22:41I would have got it!
22:42I got 99!
22:44LAUGHTER
22:46Josh, take a hand!
22:49LAUGHTER
22:52Yeah!
22:53Shut it out!
22:54So I did...
22:56Oh, did you get less than 100?
22:58LAUGHTER
22:59There's a fucking 100 there!
23:02100 take away 50 equals 50.
23:05LAUGHTER
23:07Take away 25 equals 25.
23:11LAUGHTER
23:11And then 25 take away 10 left 15.
23:15LAUGHTER
23:15And then...
23:16LAUGHTER
23:17Added 15 to 100 was 115.
23:22Oh, my God!
23:22And then I added 7 and 9, which was 16.
23:25LAUGHTER
23:26And took away 16 from 115, which was 99!
23:32APPLAUSE
23:38Wow!
23:39Judy, do you want to be my accountant?
23:45Wow!
23:47Judy, do you want to be my accountant?
23:56LAUGHTER
23:56Wow!
23:56Catherine, did you get it?
23:56LAUGHTER
23:58Plus 10 is 12.
23:59Plus 100 is 112.
24:01Yep.
24:02APPLAUSE
24:03Oh!
24:05I thought that would happen.
24:06Um, John, did you get it?
24:08I did 50 over 10, plus 7 for the 12.
24:11Yeah, that'll do.
24:12Nice.
24:1210 points for both teams.
24:14APPLAUSE
24:15And here is your teaser.
24:17The words are...
24:18WANG SIGHT.
24:19The clue is...
24:20Is it hot in here?
24:20That's WANG SIGHT.
24:22Is it hot in here?
24:23See you after the break.
24:25APPLAUSE
24:40Welcome back.
24:41The answer to the teaser, the words were...
24:43WANG SIGHT.
24:43The clue was...
24:44Is it hot in here?
24:45It was, of course, sweating.
24:47OK, so John and Judy are in the lead.
24:49They've been playing in teams so far,
24:51but this game is just for Rob and Judy.
24:53Huh?
24:54So, Judy, your turn to choose the letters.
24:56VAL.
24:57Yep.
24:58Nailed it.
24:58E.
24:59Consonant.
25:00T.
25:01Consonant.
25:03John, while this is...
25:04While this is going on, we should probably...
25:06VAL.
25:06A.
25:07VAL.
25:08I've put just Pilates.
25:09Oh, yeah, great.
25:11VAL.
25:11Shall we?
25:12Yeah, we should...
25:13O.
25:14Continent.
25:15T.
25:15Continent.
25:16It's not that I'm not interested.
25:17I just think this is going to be shit.
25:20VAL.
25:20I might just do it.
25:21If I go...
25:22And...
25:22E.
25:24I've actually only hired one machine,
25:25so we'll both have to go on at the same time.
25:27So if you go there...
25:28Yeah?
25:28Yeah, you grab that.
25:29Yeah.
25:32Was it lentils again, was it?
25:35OK, your time starts...
25:38Now.
25:38Yeah, that will work.
25:39Do you think this is wrong?
25:40Are you still at the same time is wrong?
25:46We just went wrong.
25:47I think we Victorian didn'tcal for a man at this time...
25:47Can you feel the będ?
25:50Can you feel the PB?
26:00Can you feel the 힘�?
26:02Yeah, yeah.
26:03Yeah.
26:05Yeah.
26:08Yeah.
26:11Yeah.
26:12Yeah.
26:12Yeah.
26:13Yeah.
26:13Yeah.
26:13Yeah.
26:14Yeah.
26:16Yeah.
26:18So, John, do you mind if I just take the tip out?
26:24I've got tear, if that's anything.
26:27Judy, love, have you got your phone out?
26:29I was just checking the spelling.
26:32LAUGHTER
26:34Sorry, sorry, John, do you...
26:36Oh!
26:37Oh, John...
26:39Yeah.
26:40Is that reform Pilates?
26:42Yeah, it's...
26:43It's amazing.
26:45It's really good.
26:46I liked it, yeah.
26:47But it's nice to be intimate.
26:49Um...
26:50Judy, how many?
26:50Five, six.
26:53Five, six.
26:54OK.
26:54Rob, how many did you get?
26:56OK, we're behind.
26:56I've got a solid six, but I'm going in for a seven.
27:00OK, all right.
27:01So, Judy, what is your six?
27:03I've got stereo.
27:06Two E's for stereo.
27:07What, sorry?
27:08There's two E's here, right?
27:09Yeah, there are two E's.
27:10Sorry.
27:10Yeah, yeah.
27:17I'm sorry to have to do this, but...
27:19Um...
27:19You're fired.
27:20Yeah.
27:22Anyway, sorry.
27:23Stereo, very good.
27:26Um, Rob, your risky seven.
27:28Yeah, well...
27:29Can...
27:29I know, well, first of all, I'm fucked up.
27:34Because it was risky anyway, but it's even riskier now that I've included a third E.
27:39LAUGHTER
27:40Do you know what, Rob?
27:42What else for risky seven?
27:43Oh, no.
27:45Tee-Tee's.
27:47What?
27:48Tee-Tee's?
27:49Tee-Tee's.
27:49I've got a place as a backup for seven, if that's allowed.
27:52No, it's just Rob.
27:53No, OK.
27:56Erm, Tee-Tee's not in, but Tree-Tee's.
28:01Tree-Tee's.
28:01It didn't say Tree-Tee's.
28:10Six points.
28:11Six points.
28:11Six points to Judy Lush.
28:14Susie Spencer, could they have done any better?
28:16Toastier for eight.
28:18Tee-Tee's for eight.
28:19And Tee-Tee's for eight.
28:20Right, now time for John and Catherine to go head-to-head.
28:23Catherine, your turn to pick the numbers.
28:25You've got to pick a big number.
28:27LAUGHTER
28:31Can I have two big ones and four small ones, please?
28:34Because two plus four equals six.
28:37Judy, write that down, it might come in handy later.
28:40Four little ones.
28:41We have ten, six, five, four, and then your big two.
28:46Fifty and twenty-five.
28:47Can you tell me, help me, please?
28:49And the target, 223.
28:51I feel sick.
28:51OK, your time starts now.
28:53MUSIC PLAYS
28:56MUSIC PLAYS
29:05MUSIC PLAYS
29:24OK, so your target was 223.
29:28John, did you get it?
29:30224.
29:30A little bit disappointed.
29:32Catherine, did you get it?
29:33Oh, 224.
29:35But I was very pleased with that.
29:37You also got 224.
29:39OK, all right, how did you get it?
29:40That's what I was going for.
29:4125 times 10.
29:4325 times 250.
29:445 times 4.
29:45Oh.
29:46You got it.
29:465 times 4, which is 20.
29:485 times 4, 20.
29:50Take away 20 from 250, and then 230 minus 6.
29:54Yep.
29:54224 went away.
29:55John, how would you have done it had you not been an idiot?
29:58If I hadn't recently been penetrated in the workplace.
30:02LAUGHTER
30:0350 times 4 is 200.
30:06200.
30:07Add 25.
30:08225.
30:09And then 10 over 5 is 2.
30:10Yeah, well done.
30:12APPLAUSE
30:15So, John, you didn't get it in time, so seven points for both teams.
30:18APPLAUSE
30:20Time now to go across the dictionary corner.
30:22Spencer, what have you got for us?
30:24Well, when I was younger, my Nan and Grandad had a...
30:31..a really, really aggressive parrot called Bobby.
30:34And Bobby was ringside for every single argument
30:37that my Nan and Grandad ever had,
30:39and he learnt a lot of their swear words.
30:41So I'm going to show you Bobby right now.
30:43But firstly, I've got to put this here, like that.
30:47LAUGHTER
30:48Like that.
30:48Like that.
30:50Like that.
30:50You going to work, Dad?
30:52Yeah, I'm going to work.
30:52LAUGHTER
30:54Get down there like that.
30:56And so that's like that, yeah?
30:57And then you grab that.
31:00Like that.
31:02Like that.
31:04Like that.
31:04Like that.
31:05LAUGHTER
31:09Every day stuck in this cage
31:12I just want to fly away
31:20Every day looking at these walls
31:25But no one hears my calls
31:30Who's a pretty boy?
31:31I'm a pretty boy.
31:32Who's a pretty boy?
31:33I'm a pretty boy.
31:35They ask me all the time
31:37They're always asking me
31:41Holding this together
31:46That's a whole lot of feathers
31:52Oi!
31:53Stop that, you dirty bugger!
31:55Stop that, Derek!
31:56No!
31:57No!
31:58No!
31:58That's not my milk!
32:00That's my milk!
32:01No, you can't part there!
32:03No, stop it!
32:04That is not my smell!
32:06I did not fart!
32:09Can't part there!
32:10Can't part there!
32:11Stop it, Derek!
32:12I thought he'd be dead by now
32:13Anyway, that's that bit
32:19Spencer Jones, everyone
32:22And here is your teaser
32:23The words are arse knob
32:25The clue is
32:26Thank you, my lady
32:27That's arse knob
32:28Thank you, my lady
32:29See you after the break
32:46Welcome back!
32:47The answer to the teaser
32:47The words were arse knob
32:49The clue was
32:50Thank you, my lady
32:51It was, of course
32:53Baroness
32:53Well done!
32:58Well done!
32:59Well done!
32:59If you could do it
33:00Well, we can score some fucking points
33:02It might be helpful
33:03Now, the keen-eyed viewer
33:05Might have noticed
33:06That I've added an extra player
33:08It's because Rob and Catherine
33:09Are lagging behind
33:11So I thought
33:12I'll give you an extra team member
33:13Please welcome everyone
33:14Comedian John Totill
33:17Very good to have you, John
33:19John Totill
33:20It looks like if you asked AI
33:22To draw a picture of Henry VIII
33:23Before he let himself go
33:27I think I look a bit like
33:28Your long-lost son
33:29Oh, my God!
33:32You don't look like a family
33:34Yeah, absolutely
33:35Hello, darling
33:37I don't know how I feel like I'm being dragged into the gingers
33:41How old are you?
33:44I am almost your age
33:46I'm 28
33:4728
33:48Almost his age
33:52Wow
33:54How old are you currently, Bob?
33:5539
33:56So, actually, from where I'm from
33:57Old enough
33:58Yeah
34:01So, John, welcome to the show
34:03Now, you used to be a teacher, is that right?
34:04Yes, that's right, yeah
34:05I used to work in a primary school
34:06I'm slightly worried that I've been brought on here
34:08To support the losing team
34:10But I was not a good teacher
34:11I was a really bad
34:13I was, in the words of one of my own students
34:14A dogshit teacher
34:16I taught year four
34:18I taught year four
34:20Do you think you're going to help this team?
34:21No
34:22Oh, sorry
34:23I can't do a countdown
34:24I really can't
34:25I can't even count down
34:26Do you know what I mean?
34:27Counting up?
34:28You should see me counting up
34:29Fucking hell
34:29One, two, three
34:30I could go on
34:33You only practiced once a year at New Year's Eve, didn't you?
34:36Well, no, I used to practice in wet play
34:37Wet play?
34:39Horrible phrase, isn't it?
34:40Wet play
34:42If I'm honest, if you're a woman over a certain age
34:44Wet play is a good word
34:48John, have you got a mascara?
34:50I do, yes, yes
34:52This is my clarinet
34:53Oh
34:53Now, there you go
34:54I don't make much sense as a person
34:56Unless you know that all I did for the first 18 years of my life
35:02I know
35:02Was practice clarinet
35:03Wow
35:03Now, I haven't come here to brag or anything
35:06But between you and me
35:07I am what you would call
35:09Seriously good at the clarinet
35:10Wow
35:10And you know that's true
35:12Because why would I lie about that?
35:14I'm not coming here going
35:15The thing is, guys, I'm really good in bed
35:17I'm not
35:17I'm nothing to write home about in bed whatsoever
35:18What I'm really good at is the clarinet
35:21You wouldn't lie about it with a clarinet in your hand
35:25You don't whip that out for wet play, do you?
35:30Can we get a little sample of this?
35:32Of course you can
35:45Of course you can
35:46Do you know what I mean?
35:47Wow
35:50Musical
35:51Musical
35:51Yeah
35:52It is a magic jar
35:56There's not a dry seat in the house
36:00We're going to fuck you up
36:01John Totill
36:04Look what those fingers can do with a clarinet
36:06Wait until he gets on a biro
36:08OK
36:09John Totill
36:10Your turn to pick the letters
36:11Oh great, OK
36:12Could I please have a vowel?
36:14Yes
36:14He's already more confident than us, guys
36:16Oh no
36:16Could I have a consonant?
36:18M
36:18Another consonant, please
36:19D
36:20Vowel, please
36:21I feel so confident with this guy
36:22I feel really safe
36:23I
36:24Yeah
36:25Another vowel, please
36:26A
36:28Could I have a consonant, please?
36:30T
36:30Another consonant
36:32N
36:33A consonant, please
36:34T
36:34And one last vowel, please
36:36Thank you
36:37Thank you
36:37And an E
36:38Can you do this and play the countdown theme on the clarinet at the same time?
36:41I'll give it a go
36:42I thought it was tongue to me
36:42Yeah
36:45Absolutely, yeah
36:46OK
36:47And your time starts
36:48A two, three, four, now
37:08It's so hard to get into it
37:10Can you stop?
37:13Don't stop
37:27I've got seven. John, what have you got? I've got zero. He's got nothing. You've got nothing. You were playing
37:32the clarinet. I was playing the clarinet. I've got an alibi.
37:34Yeah. Katherine, you've got? Seven. Judy? Seven. How many? Six, five, four, four, five. Five. I've got a name. Dante.
37:42Dante. Nice, classy. Dante. OK, John, how many? Eight. We're all having fun over it. I think we've done well.
37:50You slide your eight in. What's your eight? I did that on the Pilates earlier. Katherine, what's your word? Tainted.
37:58Tainted. Oh, nice. Rob, you're seven. Tainted. Touch me be between. Do you know what? Do you know what? Do
38:06you know what? Do you know what? I love John Richard. Lovely car, but when he's winning, this little weasel
38:11comes out.
38:13OK, John, what is your eight? Dominate. Oh. Oh. Oh. OK, so that's eight points to John. OK, Spencer, Susie,
38:23could they have done any better? Not any better. We've got two other eights. Antidote and a word I've never
38:28heard before. Tomateen. Tomateen. Tomateen. Yes, it's a compound in tomatoes.
38:32So, at the end of that, John and Judy are in the lead with 38 points.
38:38APPLAUSE
38:39OK, go.
38:41Time once again to cross to Dictionary Corner. Spencer, what have you got for us?
38:45Well, currently, I'm a bit skint, but eventually you get paid and you go from,
38:49I'm just going to have beans and toast tonight to this guy.
38:55Just been paid, didn't I?
38:58Put your money away, mate. I'll get these.
39:01Uh, 12 Zambucas, please, mate. Does anyone else want 12 Zambucas? They're all for me!
39:06A part of you've been skint, you've been having a little look online,
39:09you might have been having a look at a new laptop, Susie.
39:12Um, but that little voice in your head, once you start it,
39:14it starts to get louder and louder.
39:16It starts going, I'm going to buy a step ladder.
39:18Yeah. It's loose, fool.
39:23Heelys.
39:24In my size.
39:28So I bought that.
39:31APPLAUSE
39:35And you know, like, everyone's got a rap song
39:37that they swear they know the words to,
39:39but they don't know the words.
39:41You know that song, they don't know the words,
39:42they just know how every word sounds.
39:44Happens in the car with me, a rap song will come and I'll go,
39:46kids, I know this one from back in the day.
39:48I don't know the words, just make up the words.
39:49It's like...
39:50James James go...
40:10Peter Jones, everyone.
40:14APPLAUSE
40:17And here is your final teaser.
40:19The words are Rob's pole.
40:21The clue is try and keep a straight face.
40:23That's Rob's pole, try and keep a straight face.
40:25See you after the break.
40:40Welcome back.
40:40The answer to the teaser, the words were Rob's pole.
40:42The clue was try and keep a straight face.
40:44It was, of course, bloopers.
40:46OK, time for our final letters game.
40:48John and Judy, your turn to choose the letters.
40:50Go on, King. Late.
40:52Wow.
40:54Daddy's got this.
40:56Daddy!
40:59Well, you've ruined that.
41:02Jimmy's getting his gloves up.
41:05You ready for Daddy?
41:09That's how he eats a sandwich, fucking serial killer.
41:15May I have a consonant, please, Rachel?
41:18You may.
41:19N.
41:20And a vowel, please.
41:23O.
41:24Oh.
41:24Got two words.
41:26Two low.
41:28Two low.
41:29And we're going to stick.
41:32A consonant, please.
41:34L.
41:35And a vowel, please.
41:38U.
41:38And a consonant, please.
41:40R.
41:41A vowel, please.
41:43E.
41:44And a consonant, please.
41:46Q.
41:46OK, while you do that, I've got a patient to see.
41:48A consonant, please.
41:51K.
41:51Oh, these are all.
41:53Oh!
41:54A consonant, please.
41:56And a final G.
41:58Oh, dear.
41:59Fucking hell.
42:01OK, next.
42:03Oh, you again.
42:07With the dog breath.
42:08How's the missus?
42:10OK, I'm going to brush your little teeth-ins.
42:12OK, your time starts now.
42:15Yeah.
42:18You OK?
42:18How are your canines?
42:20Such a good boy.
42:23You want a brush?
42:24Brush, brush?
42:24Oh, well, well.
42:26Nice, isn't it?
42:38Yeah, I don't like you.
42:49Is this your dog?
42:52Could you give me a smile there, because it's quite a resemblance.
43:00Go on, you've got a mummy.
43:05Catherine, John, Rob, how many?
43:06I've got a five.
43:08OK, John?
43:08I've got a three.
43:10I'll let you down.
43:10A three?
43:11Catherine, how many?
43:12I've got seven, Jimmy.
43:13OK.
43:14Judy, how many?
43:14Surprisingly, two.
43:17We've got a seven.
43:19Judy and I, we've got a seven, yeah.
43:23Judy, what's your two?
43:26No.
43:28John, what's your...
43:30Noor.
43:31N-O-R.
43:33Noor.
43:34Noor.
43:34Noor.
43:34Yeah, Rob.
43:35Loner.
43:36Loner.
43:37Very good.
43:37John, your seven?
43:38I want to hear us.
43:40Traditionally on the show, you go with the risky one first.
43:42OK, all right.
43:42But no, I don't give a shit, because I...
43:44Do you not give a shit, or are you really annoyed?
43:47I'm here for shits and giggles, mate, and I've already had one.
43:50Can I...
43:51LAUGHTER
43:53LAUGHTER
43:54LAUGHTER
43:54LAUGHTER
43:54LAUGHTER
43:55LAUGHTER
43:56LAUGHTER
43:56LAUGHTER
43:56LAUGHTER
43:56Lounge-er.
43:57Catherine, is that your seven?
43:58Well, similar.
43:59I've got longer, but I don't...
44:02Oh, lovely.
44:03I think you need two u's for that.
44:05So it's L-O-N-G-U-E-U-R.
44:07Seven points to John.
44:09APPLAUSE
44:10LAUGHTER
44:15APPLAUSE
44:15Uh, Spencer, Susie, could they have done any better?
44:18No, Lounge-er was ours as well.
44:19Now, whenever we have the clarinet played on the show,
44:23we do something a little bit special.
44:24The traditional countdown is a 29-point conundrum.
44:27I look forward to losing that.
44:29You're being...
44:30You're being patronised, Rob, and I wouldn't stand for it.
44:33LAUGHTER
44:33OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's 29-point...
44:38..countdown conundrum.
44:39She doesn't know where the buzzer is.
44:42Well, in fairness, Judy, we didn't give you a buzzer
44:44cos we don't think you're going to need it.
44:47LAUGHTER
44:48OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's crucial
44:50countdown conundrum.
44:52Your time starts...
44:53Go on, John.
44:54At least look.
44:56LAUGHTER
44:58Oh, you're joking.
44:59Oh, no.
45:00I haven't got it.
45:02Let's restart.
45:03I haven't got that.
45:03MUSIC PLAYS
45:11BELL RINGS
45:12Origin.
45:12Oh!
45:14It's wrong.
45:15It's not a good sound.
45:15Absolutely wrong.
45:16Wrong.
45:17Oh!
45:18Don't take...
45:20BELL RINGS
45:20Foreigner!
45:22LAUGHTER
45:22I can't shout that anyway.
45:26LAUGHTER
45:28APPLAUSE
45:30All right.
45:31Let's have a look and see if...
45:32Judy Love has got the conundrum.
45:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:40So, the...
45:41The final scores are...
45:44Rob and Catherine and John have 17 points.
45:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:57LAUGHTER
45:58Judy, fucking sit down.
46:01LAUGHTER
46:11I can't...
46:14LAUGHTER
46:15LAUGHTER
46:16APPLAUSE
46:18LAUGHTER
46:18APPLAUSE
46:19LAUGHTER
46:23LAUGHTER
46:24APPLAUSE
46:27LAUGHTER
46:33MUSIC PLAYS
46:41MUSIC PLAYS
46:42MUSIC PLAYS
46:43MUSIC PLAYS
46:59MUSIC PLAYS
47:02lacking EES
47:02let's go around the...
47:02Like the...
47:02If...
47:02homie...
47:02Well...
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