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00:01It seems today that all you see
00:04Is violence in movies and sex on TV
00:07But where are those good old-fashioned values
00:11On which we used to rely?
00:14Lucky is a family guy
00:18Lucky is a man who
00:19Knows what he can do
00:21All the things that make us
00:23Laugh and cry
00:25He's a family guy
00:36You read People?
00:37What a stupid magazine
00:39Snoopy, fit and fabulous at 75
00:42Ugh, Blake Lively just filed another suit
00:45In Prince Edward Island
00:46How many places is she gonna sue that guy?
00:48You know, honestly, I still don't understand
00:50Who Justin Baldoni is, where he came from
00:52Or where he's going
00:53Yeah, he just appeared out of nowhere
00:55Are we sure he's not AI or something?
00:57Well, whoever he is
00:58I hope Ryan Reynolds gives him a good bop on the beezer
01:01That's what I need, a Ryan Reynolds
01:03What are you talking about?
01:04I'm a single, unwed baby
01:06I'm in the prime of my life right now, Bri
01:08I've got a steady allowance
01:09I love to time travel
01:10I'm party-trained
01:11And here I am, no ring on my finger
01:13Stewie, you are way too young
01:15To even be thinking about getting married
01:16Where is this coming from?
01:18I just don't want to end up old and alone
01:20Like Bill Clinton
01:22Hey Hillary, I realize there's no attraction here
01:24But could you at least not wear my pants?
01:30It's so nice to have the kids out of the house
01:33Yeah, I think the school's gonna be locked down
01:35For a few more hours till they get the shooter
01:37Oh, we should do these home date nights more often
01:40Or we could go to PetSmart and look at turtles
01:44Hey, can I get a bite of your single piece of wilting lettuce?
01:49Perfect, this is why I asked you before I ordered
01:52Maybe it's the $2 wine that's mostly chemicals
01:56But I have a crazy idea to spice things up
01:59On three, you tell me one thing you've always wanted to do
02:03And I'll tell you one thing I've always wanted to do
02:06I like that, I can count to three
02:08Okay, on three
02:10One, two, make a sex tape
02:12Crumble Pringles on pizza, I mean sex tape
02:14Okay, let's do it
02:21Hmm, a lot more coughing and sneezing than I remember
02:24And you're positive this isn't that tape that kills you if you watch it in seven days?
02:29Pretty sure
02:30Is it paused?
02:32Unfortunately, no
02:33Uh, we're just kinda in a lull
02:35When you're on top of me, I can't move and then you fall asleep
02:41I'm awake, I'm awake
02:43Ah, crap, I gotta put the bins out
02:45Do you have to do that now?
02:47I'll be right back
02:48You can't put metal in there
02:50Why don't we just fast forward?
02:53Sir, your trash cans have to be three inches apart
02:56We've had this conversation
02:57They are three inches apart, I can prove it right now
03:00I think we should fast forward more
03:05We now return to the Banshees of Ed Sheeran
03:08For every new song you release
03:10I'm gonna cut off one of me fingers
03:12We'll break out those pinky shears
03:14Cause here comes me new track, Weak Chinned Ginger Lover
03:18Brrr, is it cold in here?
03:20Or maybe it's me, cause I brought the ice
03:23Stewie, I'm a busy man
03:25If you've got something to say, just say it
03:27I guess you could say, I'm no longer a single lady
03:30Get it? Like fiancé?
03:33Okay, what's going on?
03:34Rupert asked me to marry him and I said yes
03:36That's wonderful, Stewie
03:39Congrats
03:40Boy, I can't believe my little brother got engaged before me
03:43Tick tock, Chris, tick tock
03:46I don't think the ring got quite enough attention
03:49Wow, that's a big rock
03:51Well, I asked for three carats or eight inches and you don't get both
04:00Hi, Brian, sorry about the mess
04:01We're working on our invites
04:03Mr. Thrifty over here wants to use Evite
04:06You're still doing this?
04:07Thought you would've moved on by now
04:09Moved on?
04:10This is a lifetime commitment, Brian
04:12Well, I saw your registry and I'm not buying you a $300 pasta maker
04:15That's all right, the fettuccine attachment is the only real need
04:19Rupert likes a heartier noodle if you catch my drift
04:22I don't want to
04:23Oh, did you get the save the date card?
04:25No, and I don't know why anyone is entertaining any of this
04:27Oh, I get it, Brian is jealous
04:30We're gonna hang out after I get married
04:32First, once a month, then once a year, then once we have kids, never again
04:40If I ended a speech with live from New York, it's Saturday night
04:44You'd get the reference, right?
04:46Should I say live from New York, it's Saturday Night Live?
04:49Is that more clear?
04:50Whatever this is for, you should not
04:53I'm working on my best man speech for Stewie's wedding
04:55Oh, well this is awkward, um, Stewie asked me to be the best man
05:01What? He did?
05:03Stewie wants you to be the ring bearer instead
05:05He thinks it'll be very cute
05:08Honestly, I don't think so, you're not very charismatic
05:11But I'm his best friend
05:12Well, I guess not anymore
05:14How are you gonna come up with a rousing best man speech?
05:17You can barely read or write
05:18It's not my fault the school replaced the English department with DoorDash training
05:22How many fries can you take before it becomes noticeable?
05:26Nine
05:27Good job, Chris!
05:28And you read the delivery instructions
05:30Absolutely not
05:31Now, repeat after me
05:33This is how they gave it to me
05:35This is how they gave it to me
05:37I have a delivery for Mr. Anderson
05:40Where's my bun?
05:41This is how they gave it to me
05:42Last year's valedictorian
05:45This is why you do it, people
05:55What's up with your face?
05:57Don't be alarmed
05:57I'm doing a series of peels before the wedding
06:00Trust me, it's going to look gawd the day of
06:03So, for theme, are you thinking rustic or regency?
06:07No, no, my friend
06:09Nautical Cottagecore
06:11Together?
06:12But they're completely different
06:13It's never been done
06:15You're crazy
06:17Crazy like a
06:20Hey bud
06:21We're kind of in the middle of something
06:25Stewie, I was thinking
06:27Given the limited size of the venue
06:30We should really talk about not giving plus ones to guests without significant others
06:36How significant?
06:37They should be dating for at least six months
06:42What if it's a friends with benefits situation that could eventually turn into a real relationship?
06:46You must have a minimum of three grid posts together at the time of the wedding
06:50No story, just grid
06:52I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here steering the ship, Chris
06:56Well, I'm off to Casey's to get waxed
06:58This peach has fuzzed for too long
07:00Oh, Bryant, before I forget
07:03This is a photo of Sabrina Carpenter's house
07:06Sorry, that's a personal project
07:09Wait, this is just a list of wedding errands you want me to do
07:12Isn't that your job as best man?
07:14I'm very busy picking out the signature cocktail
07:16I was thinking of a tropical-based drink with a literary twist
07:20I... I want to do that
07:22Sorry, I already thought of L. Rum Hubbard and we're doing it
07:26And I need you to pick up Stewie's fraternity brothers at the airport
07:29Fraternity brothers?
07:30Here's their flight info
07:33This is a video for how to break into someone's house with a link to Sabrina Carpenter's address
07:38Oh boy, my airdrop settings have been all over the place lately
07:42Gotta see them night boobs
07:49I can't believe how awful our sex tape was
07:52If I'm being honest, I guess I never really thought about how long Peter's ass crack was
07:57Well, as an outside observer, it seems like it would be very long
08:01Making a sex tape is hard
08:03When we made ours, we had to recast Joe
08:05Turns out, we just needed a Joe Swanson type
08:09Hold for plane, hold for plane
08:13Alright, Gatorade's down, back on all fours in 3, 2, 1
08:17I once made a naughty librarian porn
08:21I spanked a guy with a book, but I went too hard and I broke his anus
08:26A lot of people don't think there's bones down there, but they're there
08:30They're there
08:33I don't have many close female friendships
08:40So, how do you know the S-man?
08:42Lambda Chi or Bank of America?
08:44As former frat guys, we all work at Bank of America now
08:47You get 3% back on all gasoline purchases with the Freedom Flex reward card?
08:52Brian, where do you do your checking?
08:54I'm good with my bank
08:55And what the hell are you guys talking about? Stewie didn't go to college
08:57Well, he didn't go to class, I'll tell you that much
09:02The Stew man is a total legend
09:05One time, he took a dump that got stuck and clogged up the whole house
09:09For a year, I just went into a tailor-made golf bag
09:12He banged my dad as a goof
09:13He did what now?
09:15Oh, he's always banging dads
09:17Total prankster
09:18You'd hate to be an un-banged dad around that guy
09:21Total legend
09:26The gang's all here
09:28I thought you couldn't leave the state
09:29Spirit Airlines never pressed charges
09:32Sorry, Brian, I need you to run more errands
09:35Can you pick up some centerpieces for the bachelor party?
09:38They're all very phallus shaped
09:39So without being too blunt, how many sexual aids can you hold at once?
09:44How big are the sexual aids?
09:45They're... they're substantial
09:53Oh, Mr. Bond
09:55We should've watched Paul Blatt
09:58Guaranteed zero sex scenes
10:00See? The bottoms of his feet aren't black
10:03Well, I guess he didn't have an awesome afternoon burying Star Wars figurines in the garden
10:08I'm going to bed
10:15Well, I'm going to ignore this uncomfortable situation by checking the weather in other cities
10:20Huh? It's gonna be 35 in DC
10:23Wow, 40 in Denver though
10:27Fresno and Baltimore are the same temp
10:29You don't see that a lot
10:32No... you... don't
10:36Finally, I get to have some fun
10:38Oh, you're not coming
10:39Your job is to hold all our wallets and not give them to us, no matter how much we beg
10:44you
10:45Give it to me!
10:46I need my wallet!
10:47Please! I promised Valentina I'd pay for her grad school
10:53Hey, weren't there three fraternity brothers?
10:56Yeah, how crazy RJ put fentanyl in the strip club pasta and Venkatesh died
11:00I need you to build a wooden funeral boat
11:05He beat cancer just to die like this
11:07Crazy man
11:08All right, let's get back to the strip club before they take our wings off the table
11:16Good morning, I'm Tom Tucker
11:18This just in, war rages on in the Middle East
11:20And this not quite in, local man Peter Griffin tries to pleasure his wife in home sex tape
11:26It was totally in!
11:31Peter, they have our sex tape! How did this get out?
11:34I got no idea!
11:35I mean, I did put it on YouTube because I thought that's where you put things that are just for
11:40you
11:40YouTube didn't even bother to censor the video, classifying it as a nature documentary instead of pornography
11:50Hey, I don't wanna be too forward, but are you just not gonna donate to Venkatesh's GoFundMe?
11:56He had a sister, dude
11:57She's 42 and very wealthy, but we're still trying to support her
12:01No thanks
12:02Were you at least gonna pay for your room at the Airbnb?
12:05I didn't go to an Airbnb
12:06Well, we agreed to split it evenly
12:09You know, you and Stewie have been treating me like a service animal all week
12:12Um, is this about you eating 1200 bucks when no one showed up for the Lavender Field experience?
12:18You know, it was just me and the guide and I had a lovely time
12:21But no, this is about me not being best man
12:24Yeah, because you're the ring bearer
12:26We've been through this, here
12:28What's this for?
12:29You're gonna have to tie the pillow around your waist
12:31Since Stewie wants you to be on all fours
12:34The ribbon is adjustable
12:35I noticed you ate a lot of strip club pasta
12:38I had a normal amount
12:39Not really, Venkatesh was talking about it before he died
12:43Okay, that's it, I'm done being humiliated
12:45I am not coming to this ridiculous wedding
12:47Okay, well that's fine
12:49I regretted ordering the salmon anyway
12:51So this way I can just eat your steak
12:54I also ordered the salmon
12:55Get out of my house!
12:57Why are we all pretending we want salmon?
13:06I can't believe the big day is here already
13:09Everyone's saying I'm next, maybe
13:12Can I ask you something?
13:13Do you think I say in my heart of hearts too many times in my wedding vows?
13:18If I'm being honest, yes
13:19I'm still on the fence, let's ask Brian, where is he?
13:22I'm afraid Brian isn't coming, Stewie
13:24I'm sorry, he's kind of going through something right now
13:28I see, I was hoping during Hot Hot Hot he would get on stage and start the who's hot call
13:34and response
13:35But I guess that's not in the cards
13:41You know, it's not that bad
13:42We're actually getting a lot of positive feedback on our sex tape
13:46We got one thousand thumbs up and over a hundred thumbs in
13:50The porn community is very creative
13:52Oh, and look, somebody named Chris Griff Official without a check mark posted three water droplets
14:01Mayor West, that's weird
14:03Hello?
14:04Hi Peter, I'm calling from an iPhone 3 that only works for 15 minutes a day so we may be
14:10disconnected at any time
14:12Now, the whole town is in a tizzy over your cinematic co-mingling
14:16We'd like to honor you and the missus for your artistic contributions to the art form
14:21With the Nearby Adults Active in Creating Pornography Image Award
14:26What's he saying?
14:28We're getting an NAACP image award for how cool our sex tape was
14:32We're still workshopping in there
14:35He did say that would happen
14:41Are you okay, Brian?
14:42I notice you're flatter to the ground than physics allow
14:45Why didn't Stewie want me to be his best man?
14:48I thought we were best friends
14:49I don't know, Brian, but what I do know is you're being really selfish
14:53I am?
14:54Between you and me, I don't even like Rupert
14:57Awful person
14:58Just don't go into business with the guy is all I'm gonna say
15:02But today isn't about me, or you, it's about Stewie
15:05After all, a baby only gets married once
15:08And I know if I end this speech with the right tone
15:12You'll say, you know what?
15:14You're right
15:15You know what? You're right
15:17I'll go
15:19Now, it's a silver gold wedding, so I'd get Chop Chop on a tux
15:22And fair warning, all the local places are long out
15:26Well, then where am I gonna get a tux?
15:27I'm seeing Mr. Tux does have one in Maine, but you gotta leave right now
15:47If any of you ever wanna be in a choir, I can probably pull a few strings
15:54I didn't pay you to make jokes
15:57Sorry to keep harping on it
15:59I'm sorry, I'm under a lot of pressure, that was very funny
16:05Why is there a chuppah?
16:07Um, Rupert? Jewish, hello?
16:11You're trying to think if you ever said something in front of Rupert right now
16:15Yep
16:16Where's the groom?
16:17I hope everything's okay
16:18Is there gonna be a shuttle back to the hotel?
16:20I'm staying at the La Quinta near the airport
16:22Flights have to stop at 11pm, so not too bad
16:26Stewie called off the wedding
16:29Someone needs to go talk to him
16:30On the Sabbath, he makes us travel
16:36Peter, this is so great
16:38I think I can finally own my sexuality
16:40What does that mean?
16:42I don't know, Madonna says it a lot, I think it's a good thing
16:44We're here today to give these fine folks the rod to the city
16:48Tight fit into the city door, but if you work at it, it eventually gets looser
16:55Lois and Peter are not just heroes, but symbols of body positivity
17:00Their video shows all of us it's okay to have a knee brace on during times of intimacy
17:05That all of us, past our prime, no matter how repulsive we may be to look at, deserve to be
17:11seen naked
17:12Body positivity, that's why people liked our video?
17:16We salute you for not being ashamed of your shameful bodies
17:24I really enjoyed your video
17:25I'm using it to teach my residents about botched c-section scars
17:29Who did that anyway? It's a hack job
17:31You did
17:32What a small world
17:34Usually we have to show students photos of STDs to get them to sign the abstinence contract
17:39But this did the trick nicely
17:41Thank you
17:48Thank you for being on theme, unlike Mr. Octopus
17:51He dressed for tropical cocktail, way too many patterns
17:54Look, Stewie, getting cold feet is completely normal
17:57As Ernest Hemingway once said
17:59It was supposed to be you and me up there, man
18:01Do I have to spell it out for you?
18:03Yeah, just don't spell the word walk
18:06I really don't have the bandwidth for that right now
18:08Don't you see? I've been waiting for you to propose to me for years
18:12You... you want me to marry you?
18:14No! I want you to want to marry me
18:20Stewie, what do you think marriage even is?
18:22It's a sleepover with your best friend that never ends
18:25It's being roommates for life and going on adventures
18:28But I guess you weren't ready for that
18:30Stewie, we already have that
18:32But without it being legal, I feel like a cheap whore
18:35Wait, if you wanted to marry me, why'd you get engaged to Rupert?
18:38The whole thing was just a ruse to make you jealous
18:41Wait, none of it was real?
18:43What about Venkatesh, Crazy RJ and Ellis?
18:45They were on Love Island last year
18:47I can't believe you did all this
18:49For me
18:50Of course I did! You're my best friend, Bri
18:53Although I guess we'll never have our own happily ever after
19:04Stewie, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
19:05Will you marry me?
19:07Oh my gosh, this is so unexpected
19:10Pat Benatar once said, love is a battlefield
19:14Pat was right, which I always knew in my heart of hearts
19:17But Brian, in my heart of hearts
19:20Too many!
19:21I can't think of anyone else I'd rather grow old with
19:24But like a good kind of old, not ragged looking because we didn't wear sunscreen
19:28Real talk, you gotta be better about that
19:30But yes, Brian, yes, I will marry you and make you the happiest dog on earth
19:41Since when can a dog and a baby not get a marriage license?
19:44I can't even get an abortion
19:46Move!
19:48Problem solved! Thank you!
19:50Are we done here?
19:51Yes
19:52We forgot about Chris!
19:54I wound up marrying the librarian so we wouldn't lose our deposit
19:58She didn't know my age and wound up going to jail
20:01I told everyone we did it
20:03They ended up making a whole movie about it
20:05They portrayed her as the aggressor
20:08Anyway, my name is Chris Griffin
20:10And I'm supposed to get a Quahog NAACP Image Award next week
20:21I know everybody's happy for us, but I wish Pornhub wouldn't use the title beauty and obese
20:26You know what, Peter? I don't care
20:29Maybe we're not as young or hard as we used to be
20:32But there's no one I'd rather spend my life sweating dark yellow stains into the mattress with
20:37You really mean that?
20:39Yes, I love you, Peter
20:41Hang on, let me go get my men's quadruple XL sex shirt
20:44There's a bulldog with sunglasses on it so you know it's for big dogs
20:48Just shut up and kiss me!
20:52Oh, Peter
20:54Hold for plane, hold for plane
20:58Alright, Gatorade's down, back on all fours
21:07Go!
21:09Go!
21:09Go!
21:11Go!
21:17Go!
21:20Go!
21:22Go!
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