- 8 hours ago
Mark Vigeant: The Best Man Show
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00:13Danny, Danny, dude, dude, you gotta pick up the phone bro, Danny, Danny, dude, no, dude,
00:18you need to hear what just happened at Charles' wedding, bro, it was even crazier than we
00:23expected, huh, no, dude, he didn't get a divorce, remember, this was like a, like
00:29a second wedding, like a polyamorous thruple thing, bro, and I just gotta decompress for
00:36a second before I give my speech, dude, dude, this whole ceremony was this like new moon
00:43circle slash sound bath meditation, hoo-ha to fucking plant seeds, I'm not even kidding
00:51you bro, they literally gave us cups of soil that we had to plant eucalyptus in, all three
00:57of them wore three rings each, it was a literal circus up there, each ring had some kind of
01:05protective crystal in it, I was like, what the fuck are they elves, dude, this whole thing
01:10is taking place in this like warehouse next to a highway that looks like a fucking circus
01:16tent, god, like, where are you supposed to park around here, dude, and I'm not even kidding
01:21you bro, every single person here is gay, poly, and self-employed, I'm serious, this whole
01:28thing is turning me into a republican, dude, and they fucking staged the space, I nearly
01:34passed out, what even is sage poison, imagine my parents right now, they're livid, bro, dude,
01:44Kristen is here, Ella is here, it's like, yeah, of course they said no kids, but what was I
01:49supposed to do, hire a babysitter back in New York, god, no, what am I supposed to tell
01:53my daughter about all this, that her uncle's a psychopath, who are all these people, dude,
02:01I'm telling you, all these LA hippie people smell like shit, I'm serious, natural deodorant
02:08doesn't work, people, no, they can't hear me, I am whispering, plus some mustache is playing
02:15piano right now, it's just, I just feel like Charles doesn't really trust me after what
02:25happened at his first wedding, no, dude, I didn't even do anything weird, okay, no, I
02:31drank the normal wedding amount, I just, you know, I got a little loud, we had a convo
02:42about it, so, I just feel like I, feel like I really gotta blow them away tonight, you
02:48know, no, I'm not nervous, I'm the king of this shit, I'm gonna crush this, this is a
02:55room that's full of people who are dying for a best man speech, all right, dude, yeah,
03:01I'll call you when I'm back in New York, all right, yeah, thanks, bro, bro, ew, dude, we
03:05don't say that to each other, okay, goodbye, goodbye, um, sorry, I'm just gonna go back
03:15to my seat, sorry, sorry, sorry, oh, I was sitting here, is that, it's okay, you don't
03:23have to, can we just, like, share it, just real quick, yeah, just, I'll just, just right
03:30here, it's fine, do you like this song, I love it, you love it, it's my favorite, it's
03:39your favorite song, for real, no, do you know what the song's called, I think it's Claire
03:49DeLune, okay, sick, yeah, you know, I don't know this shit, dude, I only listen to Tool,
03:56oh, this is my favorite part, the end, oh, man, fuck yeah, there he goes, all right,
04:15we don't have to clap, we don't have to clap so much of this, all right, dude, hell yeah,
04:18it's okay, all right, I'm just gonna go, like, talk to people, it's cool, are those Warby's
04:21brother, no, okay, no follow-up, nice crotch, yeah, no, same, brother, how is this for
04:33you, is this cool, it's fine, yeah, sick, all right, nice, that's it, that's all, have
04:39you been to a poly thing like this before, I haven't, you haven't, yeah, so, what was
04:43your favorite part, the vows, yeah, the vows, they were crazy, because they had the part
04:49where they spoke to each other, yeah, sick, you've done this before, are you into the
05:00whole poly thing, yeah, how big is it, maybe like four or five, how do you not know, all
05:08right, sick, hell yeah, did you hike here, or did you take the unicycle, I took the unicycle,
05:14was it your first time, or, first time taking it to a wedding, yeah, okay, what did you
05:21take one to earlier, just work, and what do you do again, I'm a clown, yeah, clowns take
05:29unicycles to work, we all know that, did you like the part where they spoke in Elvish, I
05:35loved it, you loved it, yeah, do you speak Elvish, a little bit, what's your favorite Elvish
05:39word, and what does that mean, wow, there's no way to fact check you, hell yeah, are you
06:00guys into the whole poly thing, I assume you're together, sure, we're researching, sick, love
06:09the vibe over here, did you guys charge your crystals for this, yeah, okay, which ones, like
06:14amethyst, sick, do you know your sun, moon, and rising, I don't, sick, that's awesome, oh,
06:24Jim, it's almost time for me to get my speech, that's right, now please drag your attention
06:36to the dance floor, where the group's brother Paul is about to give the best man speech,
06:42everybody, what's up everybody, it's your boy Paul, Big Dog Rose, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
07:13where my little dog is at, I know half of you half as well as I'd like, and I'd like
07:23like, having less than half of you more than half as well as I'd like to deserve, so, wow,
07:37Wow. Let's give it up for my amazing brother, Charles, everybody. Oh, my God. Wow. My baby
07:46brother, Charles. You can stop. You can stop. Honestly, it's too much. Dude, Charles, you
07:54remember when you were 13 and I snuck you out of school to bring you down to your first
07:58improv show downtown? Dude, Mom and Dad, we're so pissed, but it doesn't matter because look
08:04at you now, bro. An artist in L.A. An aspiring artist in L.A. And I'm just some fucking
08:13engineer
08:13in New York. Charles, man. I love you, bro. There, I said it. Okay. Said it. I'm honestly
08:29getting a little emotional right now, not even going to lie. Dude, Charles, man. Charles
08:34is an entertainer, you know? He's a golden child, you know? He's a professional improv
08:40coach, you know? What would this speech be without a few laughs? Am I right? Huh? Come
08:44on. Yeah, let's turn this toast into a little bit more of a roast. Am I right? Okay. Dude,
08:54you guys might recognize me because I look like Charles. I sound like Charles, but I have
08:59a little bit more hair. Even though I'm five years older and everybody's like, are you older?
09:04Are you younger? Are you guys twins? Are you guys the same age? Are you guys identical to
09:06him? Like, what the fuck? I'm older, but I'm more handsome. So.
09:17While Charles might not have a ton of hair on his head, he has a dense rainforest on his
09:22ass. Seriously. Seriously, dude. It is the hairiest butt I've ever seen in my life, and
09:27I was in five different fraternities in college. Not all at the same time. I got behavior stuff.
09:34Just know that when you pants this guy, yeah, you'll be staring at a shag carpet, okay? Just
09:40know that when this guy gets the hair plug surgery, LA, yeah, you'll be staring at some
09:44butt pubes. What? That's what they're called. So. As you guys probably know, my brother Charles
10:02can't really hold his alcohol. It's true, bro. It's true, dude. You know what I'm about
10:06to say, bro. You know what I'm about to say. Easter 2019. Yeah. He pissed in all the eggs.
10:13Yeah. He might not remember it that well, but my daughter Ella certainly still does. Don't
10:18eat those jelly beans, sweetie. They're kidney stones. Dude, what a weird malady to have at
10:24such a young age, you know? And that was after what? Two, three beers? God, what a lightweight,
10:30huh? Is that why you're sober? What? We all know he's sober because he hit that kid with
10:37his car. What? The kid pulled through? We wrote a card. But is it really sobriety, you guys?
10:56Is it really sobriety? If he's still smoking that ganya, you know what I'm talking about?
11:01Yes, you are, bro. Yes, you are, dude. Nobody who's actually sober eats at Taco Bell more than
11:05twice a year. Okay, yeah. Baja, blah.
11:17Mom originally bought this guy girls' clothes because the doctor said his penis was so small
11:22they couldn't find it. It's not a joke, just a fact. Let's give it up for my amazing sister-in
11:29-law,
11:30Paige, everybody. Wow. Wow, Paige. Paige, dude. Charles and Paige make an amazing couple.
11:41Do they not? They really do. They do. They do. Yeah. Yeah, which is why we're all so surprised
11:48they're adding a third to the mix. Seriously, seriously. Paige, you have this brilliant mind.
11:55You're able to articulate complicated emotions with just one or two words at a time. How would
12:01you describe this momentous occasion shifting from a decade of monogamy with my brother to
12:06polyamory? Oh, lustful. Lustful. Yeah, I get that here. Speaking of lustful, let's give it
12:15up for that spicy newcomer, Carrie, everybody. Wow. Carrie, you're going to have to figure
12:23that out. Yeah, Carrie, you really spice things up in there. Can you fix my marriage?
12:30Ooh, just give me a chance. Oh, wow. Meow. Okay, okay, Charles, you don't have to say anything,
12:36bro. I see what you're saying, bro. Boundaries is a word that he keeps saying to me.
12:45So my baby brother's getting married. Again. Well, this isn't really a marriage, right? This
12:52is a poly-commitment-schmageggy, a permanent threesome. Hot. Who doesn't want that?
13:00Hello, it's okay to laugh, people, okay? I know that we're in a sweltering warehouse on
13:07a fucking Monday night, but come on, guys. Let's lighten up, yo. Charles and I, we can
13:12laugh about this kind of thing. Yeah, we're buds. We're bests. We're bests. Yeah, pound
13:17your elbow to my hand. That's like the normal thing we do. Yeah, dude. Charles and I weren't
13:25always like this. Yeah, back when we were a little, uh, I used to, uh, bully him a little
13:30bit. Guilty. Okay, you know, give him a noogie here and there. You know, shoot him with the
13:34old Nerf gun. You know, boy stuff. I used to be able to make this guy hide in the closet
13:40just by walking like this. You remember? You remember? Look, yeah, look, he's scared. Yep.
13:48Back in the day, Charles and his friends really knew who the big dog was.
13:57But, uh, Charles went to therapy and figured that all out and we're friends now, so.
14:02Oh, my God. It's fucking Andrew, dude. Holy shit, dude. It's fucking Andrew, dude. Put
14:08that on. Oh, my God, dude. We're going to do that high five we always do, brother. Here
14:32you consent to this? Yes.
14:38Uh.
14:43Uh.
14:46Uh.
14:46Uh.
14:47Uh.
14:48Uh.
14:48Uh.
14:49Uh.
14:49Uh.
14:52Uh.
14:53Andrew, dude.
14:56We'll do that again.
14:58Oh, my God. Dude.
15:00If you guys don't know who Andrew is, Andrew is my favorite of Charles's friends. No offense.
15:05Weird hippies, I don't know. Um.
15:08Andrew has my back no matter what I do or say.
15:10Uh. Yeah. Yeah.
15:14He laughs at everything I say.
15:16Ha ha.
15:16Ha ha.
15:18Ha ha.
15:19And Andrew doesn't speak often, right?
15:21But when he does have something to say,
15:23it'll always knock you on your ass.
15:30Congratulations.
15:33Oh, my God, yeah.
15:35That's some classic Andrew shit right there, dude.
15:39Simple.
15:40Like, is he joking?
15:42Like, oh, my God.
15:43Like, keeping us wondering.
15:45You know what I'm saying, dude?
15:46Andrew, I will literally celebrate
15:47anything you say into this microphone.
15:49Please do not make me regret giving you that power.
16:01Okay.
16:09So.
16:13Oh, my God.
16:14We have a surprise for you guys.
16:15Oh, my God, yeah.
16:16Okay, so.
16:17This was supposed to happen last night
16:19at the rehearsal dinner,
16:20but that ended up being a three-hour
16:22silent meditation in the dark with no food.
16:27So.
16:28Glad I brought my daughter to that.
16:30So.
16:31Some promises were made,
16:32and we're going to do it now.
16:33Okay, so.
16:34Charles and Paige and Carrie now, too.
16:37They have this cat named Mookie.
17:05And my daughter loves this animal,
17:09And obviously, Mookie couldn't be here for the 12-hour multi-speech ceremony today.
17:14So she wanted to share something in honor of Mookie tonight.
17:18And now's your moment, sweetie.
17:20Ella?
17:22Yeah?
17:23Where are you, sweetie?
17:26Yeah, it's my daughter, Ella.
17:27Come on up here, sweetheart.
17:30Wow.
17:32Instant.
17:34Instant.
17:35Can I give you a hug?
17:36Yeah, come here, sweetheart.
17:37Oh, my God.
17:38This is my, you just turned?
17:41Seven.
17:41Ten, okay?
17:43And Ella's favorite animal in all the world is?
17:46Mookie.
17:47Mookie, very close.
17:50And in school, you've been learning all about?
17:53Africa.
17:54Poetry.
17:56Cool.
17:58And so as a family, we've actually been reading this book.
18:01We've been actually reading this book as a family.
18:04Sweetheart, did you bring the book?
18:06Sorry, here.
18:07You're going to have to put that up.
18:09Did you bring the book?
18:11I forgot it.
18:11You forgot it?
18:12Yeah.
18:13But you said you were going to bring it.
18:14I'm sorry.
18:15Wait, wait, sorry is not enough?
18:16This is your daughter's big moment.
18:17I didn't, where did we leave it?
18:19What do you mean, where did we leave it?
18:20It's your job.
18:22Everything's my job now?
18:23Just this.
18:24Do you see, do you see the sweat on my face?
18:27I can't do this with you right now.
18:28I can't, I can't, I can't do this.
18:30I'm dead.
18:31In front of you.
18:31In front of you.
18:33In front of you.
18:33In front of you.
18:34You want me to do this?
18:36You want me to do this?
18:36No, no, no, no.
18:37You.
18:37No, you.
18:38Dr. Rosen says you need to respect.
18:39Okay, don't talk about...
18:42Do not mention that man.
18:44We don't talk about Dr. Rosen.
18:45Okay, that's my lovely wife, Kristen, everybody.
18:47Don't clap.
18:48Don't clap.
18:49She gets enough of that at work.
18:51She's a first responder.
18:52Okay.
18:54So, we're going to do it without the book.
18:57I'll just describe the book.
18:59The book is, we've been reading this book as a family.
19:01It's called Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats by T.S. Eliot, who's a famous British person.
19:06Yeah, and this is a collection of cat poems.
19:10And because Ella loves Mucky and she loves poetry, she decided to write a poem in the style of T
19:16.S. Eliot all about Mucky.
19:23Now, in this book, every cat has a job.
19:28Mr. Mistoffelees is a conjurer.
19:32Skimble Shanks is a railway cat.
19:37So, Ella decided that Mucky would be a...
19:40Lookie.
19:41Journalist.
19:44Did you say lookie?
19:46Okay.
19:47Babe, she's ten.
19:49Yeah, no, it's true.
19:51And so, because he's so curious, okay?
19:53And now he's going to, she's going to share this poem with everybody right now.
19:56So, babe, this is your moment.
19:58Oh, no.
19:58I'm nervous, Gabby.
19:59That's okay, sweetheart.
20:02You're okay.
20:03You're going to be great.
20:03I'm just going to kneel over here next to my brother.
20:07Okay.
20:08Ready?
20:09This is Mucky.
20:11Lookie, lookie.
20:12Into the microphone, sweetheart.
20:13Oh, sorry, Daddy.
20:15Okay.
20:19I'm her daddy.
20:21I am her daddy.
20:24Mucky, lookie.
20:25It's cute, fluffy Mucky.
20:27He's not a cop, a robber, a dog, or a bookie.
20:31So, sit a moment.
20:33I'm so sorry.
20:33Can we pause real quick?
20:34Yes.
20:34You're doing so well, babe.
20:35You're doing so well.
20:36Didn't you want to sing this?
20:37Oh, no.
20:38Oh, you did.
20:39You did, actually.
20:40You did want to sing this.
20:41That's why you got on your feet so quickly.
20:43Okay.
20:45I don't know if you guys knew this, but Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, who's a famous British
20:49person, he actually adapted this book into an award-winning 2019 film called Cats, the
20:54musical.
20:56My daughter thinks that that's objectively Sir Ian McKellen's best work, and she wanted
21:02to sing this poem like the sexy cats from that film.
21:06Okay, so can we do your vocal warm-up, sweetheart?
21:10I'm not sure.
21:14Perfect.
21:14Perfect.
21:16Perfect.
21:18Perfect.
21:19And can we get the videographer?
21:20Can we get close on this?
21:21This is important.
21:22Okay.
21:22We'll take it from the top, and we'll get the music just as we rehearsed it, all the way
21:26from the top.
21:26It's not even that long.
21:27Okay.
21:28Here we go, sweetheart.
21:28Okay.
21:29DJ Sam, can we start it with the track, please?
21:36Lookie, lookie, it's cute, fluffy, mookie.
21:40It's not a cop, a robber, a dog, or a boogie.
21:44So sit a moment and remove your hat and read about the biting conniving.
21:51Can we pause real quick?
21:51Can we pause?
21:52Can we pause the music?
21:52I'm sorry.
21:53No, no, no.
21:53Don't.
21:53No, no.
21:54No.
21:54You're doing so well.
21:55You're doing those.
21:56Where's the costume, sweetheart?
21:59You forgot.
22:00No.
22:00Yeah.
22:00Right.
22:00It's in your backpack.
22:01Right.
22:02What's your favorite color again?
22:04Pink.
22:04All of them.
22:05Um, is there a rainbow inspired, um, like Lisa Frank-esque backpack?
22:10Can you pass that up to the front?
22:11Yes, please.
22:11Just go ahead and pass it.
22:12Yeah.
22:12Okay.
22:13Yeah.
22:13You're great.
22:13Great.
22:13Thank you so much.
22:14Okay.
22:14Yeah.
22:15Just go ahead.
22:15I'm sorry.
22:17Just go ahead and put your costume on, sweetheart.
22:19It's, um, your mother spent a lot of money on this.
22:21Yeah, she did.
22:22There's a, there's a big piece and then there's two.
22:23Yeah.
22:23No.
22:24Well, you decided you wanted to do this.
22:28You volunteered so fast.
22:29No one's ever volunteered that fast before.
22:33Sorry.
22:33Sorry.
22:33Sorry, this is turning into a whole thing, everybody.
22:36This was Kristen's idea.
22:38Yes, it was.
22:39It was your idea.
22:41Don't know.
22:41It was your idea.
22:43I never wanted her to do this.
22:44Yes, you did.
22:45You said, no, I said she can do it as she wants.
22:47Yeah, but she, no, but I'm pushing her because I want her to succeed.
22:51Well, okay, you know a lot about success, huh?
22:52Yeah, oh, yeah, well, I, Kristen, I know a lot, I watch a lot of successful people and
23:00study them on Reddit.
23:01Well, yeah, and I'm sure they're all doing just as well as you are.
23:04Okay, well, Kristen, I happen to be writing a very big application that's going out on Monday.
23:10How can you write if you can't read?
23:11Okay, okay, easy shot.
23:16I haven't read a book in 15 years, okay?
23:25Okay, and what I want you to do here, you can, you actually hold the microphone in the
23:29other hand and let's see that choreography that you've been working on.
23:32Oh, yeah.
23:32And, um, um, um, yeah, yeah, yeah, Ashley, could we just actually get, like, big, can you
23:38make this big, you know what I mean, like, um, like Avengers, like Christopher Nolan, you
23:42know what I'm saying?
23:42Yeah.
23:43Okay, okay, perfect.
23:44Okay, okay, perfect.
23:45All right, um, DJ Sam from the big part, please, thank you.
23:51But that's not all.
23:53He's a monster.
23:54He's a killer.
23:55He slices.
23:56He screams.
23:57He's a terror.
23:59The bringer of death and blood.
24:01Who can a cat sitter even escape?
24:04He will hurt you.
24:07Terrorize you.
24:09The bringer of death and blood.
24:11Whom a cat sitter wants and a hunt and a burn and a daunt and a kill you, he will
24:17die.
24:17And you will die.
24:19Oh, he has the claws of the furry cat.
24:23Oh!
24:24Yeah!
24:26The cute, fluffy monkey!
24:33Wow.
24:36Let's give it up one more time for my daughter, Ella, everybody.
24:40All right, um, you can do that, you can, you can, you can just take this that way and just,
24:45yeah, okay, sweetheart, yeah, let Uncle Steve take care of you over there, okay?
24:50Great.
24:50Wow.
24:51Wow.
24:52Am I right?
24:52I have my baby daughter, huh?
24:54Wow.
24:57Ella, she gave up with that choreography herself, okay?
25:00Uh, wow.
25:01As you guys probably noticed, there's a videographer here.
25:05Uh, yeah.
25:06That's my gift to you, Charles, okay?
25:09That was supposed to be a secret.
25:11Uh, that's why I didn't get them to come until now.
25:15Uh.
25:20Which means we did forget to get the, uh, ceremony, but.
25:27But, you know, who, who wants to watch that again anyway?
25:29You know what I mean?
25:30Like, that's, it's like, it was great, but you didn't, you just got, you had to kind of
25:33be there, you know what I mean?
25:35But this, this is the real show, okay?
25:38This is the thing you want to see over and over and over again and, uh, tell people about
25:43it, and if you write something about it publicly online, please be nice to me.
25:46I worked so hard, okay?
25:48Yeah.
25:49Okay.
25:50That's, this is, this is what we want to re-watch.
25:53Uh, Paige, you've got that exciting, incredible, high-level mind.
25:59You're able to articulate these complicated things poetically.
26:03Um, your, your cat, Mookie, you know, is kind of polarizing.
26:06You know, he could be fluffy, he could be really evil sometimes.
26:09How would you describe the temperament of your cat?
26:11Oh, debatable.
26:13Debatable!
26:15Yeah, debatable.
26:16What a perfect word.
26:18I feel like I'm, I'm like, uh, hanging out with Charles Dickens.
26:22Debatable!
26:23Um, Carrie, um, you know, Mookie can be a little tough to newcomers, and you're new, of course.
26:28Um, has that been a problem with you, or do you like it, Ruff?
26:31Ooh, I can make anything purr.
26:33Oh, my God!
26:36Wow!
26:37I like this woman!
26:39Okay, okay, Charles.
26:40Okay, Charles, Charles, you don't have to say anything, bro.
26:42You don't have to say anything, bro.
26:43I know what you're thinking, bro.
26:44I know what you're thinking.
26:45You're thinking, move it along, Paul.
26:46Get to the good part.
26:47Okay, I've been on stage for literally two minutes, okay?
26:50Seriously.
26:51I can see, I have the clock.
26:52Don't look.
26:53There's been two minutes, okay?
26:54And that was Ella's thing.
26:55That wasn't my thing.
26:57You gotta give me a chance to do my thing.
27:00My thing.
27:11Okay, I forgot the words of what comes next, but that's okay.
27:16Okay, I'm not really a performer.
27:18I'm an engineer.
27:20An engineer who can't read.
27:23Okay.
27:25English.
27:26Okay.
27:26So, that's fine.
27:28I'm just gonna consult the notes real quick.
27:56So, that's fine.
28:02okay great uh you might recognize me because i look like charles i sound like charles but i
28:08have a little bit more hair did i say that part already oh i did okay okay uh sit here
28:17oh charles has a micro penis according to the doctor
28:22i said that
28:27you know what it's time to throw away the words speak from the heart it's okay this is when
28:35speeches usually get good speak from the heart
28:49oh my god look at all these gifts huh here we go
29:00wow some cool stuff here well i wonder what all this stuff is
29:06oh okay somebody might not want to shake that one sounds expensive
29:13sick here it's cool cool stuff it's pretty cool
29:18alert you oh somebody should clean that up
29:32no oh my god dude oh my god are you kidding me i recognize this handwriting anywhere
29:38you got you got a letter from mrs kramer bro oh my god dude she was my favorite teacher in
29:43high
29:43school dude she always used to say i was the funniest student she's ever had dude let's
29:47read this together oh my god yes mrs kramer saving the day again
29:53fuck this mic stand though
29:59oh god
30:07get in there
30:36oh my god
30:36oh my god
30:44it's okay
30:44it's okay
30:45oh my god
30:47there we go dude
30:48oh
30:49oh
30:50oh
30:50oh
30:50oh
30:51oh
30:51oh
30:51oh
30:52oh
30:52oh
30:52oh
30:52oh
30:52oh
30:53oh
30:53oh
30:53oh
30:54oh
30:55oh
30:55oh
31:15We're going to do it without a mic stand.
31:19Oh...
31:24He owes me.
31:26I'm still paying for Xbox Live.
31:32Dear Charles, congratulations on this beautiful occasion.
31:37Yada, yada, yada.
31:39I'm so thrilled for you.
31:41Even when you were young, I knew you were a trailblazer.
31:47It must have been so tough following the huge, dominating personalities in your family.
31:53You know who I'm talking about?
31:57But you really stood head and shoulders above the crowd?
32:01You're the funniest student I ever had in my decades of teaching?
32:03Okay, no.
32:12I used to be the creative one in the family.
32:16But no one said that ever since Charles came along.
32:19Isn't that right?
32:20Dad?
32:22That's right.
32:23Charles and my father.
32:24Paul Sr., everybody.
32:25Don't clap.
32:26Don't clap.
32:27He gets enough of that on Veterans Day.
32:31If you guys think my brother Charles is such a creative genius, which he is, you should hear my screenplay
32:36idea.
32:37Okay?
32:37It's...
32:37Okay.
32:38Imagine if they made a Marvel Cinematic Universe, but about...
32:50I'm not done yet.
32:52I don't know when I'll be done, but I know what I know what it feels like to be done,
32:55and I don't feel that way yet.
32:56So F off, DJ!
32:57shit
33:01I don't get paid enough
33:06Charles
33:07Charles dude I'm not
33:09I'm not being rude to the DJ
33:11bro he's trying to cut me off
33:14what are you trying to
33:16impose some kind of rules on me
33:17right now
33:18one of your pacifist friends gonna yank me
33:21off the stage with a cane
33:23according to you there are no rules
33:25yeah you can just have two
33:27wives and not a real
33:29job and flit about on the
33:31wind calling yourself sober but still
33:33smoke that pot of wanna
33:36yes you do bro
33:37dude it's cool I can joke about this thing
33:39don't get so sensitive bro I'm just
33:41kidding dude I'm just kidding
33:46how bad do you
33:47want me to get off the stage right now baby bro
33:49you don't have to say anything
33:52cause I know
33:53how you feel
33:55but
33:55gets
33:56who
33:57has
33:58the
33:59microphone
34:01and I'm not
34:02drunk okay
34:04if you were wondering
34:06if I was drunk
34:09I'm not gonna
34:10ruin your wedding
34:11and hijack
34:12the first dance
34:13and do a bunch of
34:14interpretive dance
34:15and then collapse
34:17in the floor
34:17in the fetal position
34:18crying
34:18god I did that
34:19one time
34:20I did that
34:20one time
34:21and you forget
34:22everything I've ever done
34:23for you
34:25who calmed mom down
34:27before this circus
34:31her own mother
34:32Charles
34:33mama stop crying
34:35mama
34:36mama
34:42it's getting louder
34:43mama
34:46she's getting frantic
34:49and now she's doing that crazy yodel cry she does
35:00and now she's doing that crazy pirate cry she does
35:06and now she's doing that like freestyle your choice kind of cry
35:21she wants to support you but she doesn't get the whole poly thing and dad he hasn't been
35:29sleeping but yeah you live in fancy L.A. city with your fancy time difference but me I live down
35:39the street from these two who are sitting an awkward distance apart
35:44so I've had to do what I always do
35:46go to bat for you
35:47stand up for you
35:48I put up with their confusion and rage so that you can remain a member of this family
35:53whatever happened to honor thy father and thy mother broseph
35:59this man went to desert storm
36:04as you can see
36:07dad I can see you're furious right now
36:10yes
36:13when he's furious he's extremely literal
36:17Charles stay out of this
36:19no
36:20dad
36:21Charles
36:22dad
36:23yes
36:24Charles
36:25mama
36:26dad
36:27Charles
36:28hey
36:29Carrie
36:30Charles
36:31hey
36:31Carrie
36:32dad
36:33mama
36:34enough
36:35enough
36:45I'm still toasting
36:55I'm sorry
36:57I know this is a celebration of love and all that
37:05wait a minute you know what
37:07I'm not sorry
37:10because I'm showing you what real love looks like
37:13yeah
37:13Charles you moved away
37:15and you never call
37:17and then one day an invite showed up on our door
37:20and we came
37:20no questions asked
37:22that's love
37:22love is commitment
37:25I use all my frequent flyer miles and credit card points to be here
37:30me and Kristen took four vacation days each
37:33we're staying at an airbnb in frog town because my daughter loves frogs and we haven't seen a single amphibian
37:41the whole time we've been here
37:42and I don't give a shit about any of that shit because all I care about is crudging dead speech
37:47love conquers all my ass
37:49my significantly less hairy ass
37:57bad man up there
37:59spitting truth
38:03no
38:05I'm the best man
38:11you guys are so cute
38:13seriously
38:14you're really cute together
38:16you are
38:18but let's call it what it is you three
38:21adultery
38:22it is
38:24you're flaunting
38:25your infidelity
38:26trying to make me feel weird
38:28for being loyal to my wife
38:30don't you think I want to fuck whoever I want
38:32but I don't
38:35where's my reward
38:36me and Kristen barely ever have sex
38:39and to be clear
38:39that's totally fine
38:41that's fine
38:41nobody's having sex
38:42okay
38:43there's studies about it
38:44raise your hand if you have sex more than once a month
38:47no mama
38:49liar
38:50liar
38:51liar
38:52liar
38:53liar
38:53liar
38:53well maybe not you
38:56Kristen seriously
38:57it's been so long
38:58when's the last time we had sex
39:01before COVID
39:02before
39:05for COVID
39:09do you remember the occasion
39:10COVID
39:15that's right
39:16that's right
39:17the second that
39:18we were on Twitter at the time
39:20and then the second that
39:21the numbers hit
39:22the second the numbers hit
39:24you finished
39:24yeah
39:26then I came
39:28see okay
39:29that's my sex life
39:30okay
39:30that's what
39:31that's
39:32but you know
39:32but like the thing is
39:34relationships are not all
39:36just about physical interaction
39:38you guys
39:39okay
39:39me and Kristen
39:40we got a system
39:41okay
39:42I get Ella in the morning
39:43she gets her in the evening
39:45I make all the money
39:47she gets the good health insurance
39:49I let her talk about her mom
39:50as much as she wants
39:51she doesn't comment on my drinking
39:53it works
39:54okay
39:55shit has been hard
39:57how would
39:58babe
39:58babe
39:58seriously
39:59how would you describe
40:00our daily life together
40:02uphill battle
40:03uphill battle
40:06Sisyphean
40:07huh
40:07yeah
40:10uphill battle
40:11but you know what
40:12I love this woman
40:13okay
40:14she's the best mom
40:15you're ever going to meet
40:15in your entire life
40:16she is
40:17okay
40:17you guys see what I'm trying to say
40:19you know what
40:19let's take mom and dad
40:20for example
40:21okay
40:21they've been together
40:22for 40 years
40:25wow
40:28mama
40:28stop crying
40:29mama
40:30mama
40:31you have this saying
40:32about love
40:33you always said that
40:34love is
40:34a struggle
40:35a struggle
40:37and what's the second half
40:38of that saying
40:39but it's worth it
40:40in the end
40:41but it's worth it
40:42in the end
40:45love is a struggle
40:46but it's worth it
40:47in the end
40:47dad
40:48I can see
40:48you're still furious
40:50yes
40:54but dad
40:55according to you
40:55happiness isn't the point
40:56of marriage
40:57what is
40:58togetherness
41:00togetherness
41:03you see what I'm trying
41:04to say you guys
41:05and I see the three of you
41:06shaking your heads
41:07you think you know
41:08better than me
41:09but guys
41:10you haven't thought
41:11this through
41:12and I know
41:13you haven't thought
41:14this through Charles
41:14because all you
41:15care about
41:16are your feelings
41:19your feelings
41:22but that lovey-dovey
41:23feeling you guys
41:24feel right now
41:25that's chemicals
41:26bro
41:27science proves that
41:29the chemicals
41:30they wore off
41:31between you and Paige
41:32and you guys
41:33you guys panicked
41:34and you added this
41:35spicy mix
41:36to the mix
41:37and right now
41:38everything feels
41:39so good
41:40but brother
41:41let me tell you this
41:42this too
41:43shall pass
41:45so then
41:46what are you gonna do
41:47you're gonna wake up
41:48one day
41:49and roll over
41:50in your California
41:51king
41:52and see two
41:52schlubby older bodies
41:54you're no longer
41:55attracted to
41:55and you're gonna say
41:57fuck
41:58you're gonna wake up
41:59one day
42:00and realize
42:00the amount of
42:01energy it takes
42:02to nurture
42:02two romantic
42:03relationships
42:04is so intense
42:05you can't remember
42:06the last time
42:06you got up on stage
42:07or did something
42:07for yourself
42:08believe me
42:08I live with
42:10two females
42:10no offense
42:14so then
42:15what are you gonna do
42:16add a fourth
42:18get a double divorce
42:22sorry if I'm
42:23absolutely murdering
42:24the vibe here
42:24people
42:25I'm just the only one
42:26making any
42:27goddamn sense
42:38nobody knows
42:39what love is
42:43what is love
42:44see
42:45do you see
42:46what I'm saying
42:46you see
42:47what I'm saying
42:48nobody knows
42:49wait
42:49I don't need
42:50to interrogate
42:51the audience
42:51there was a sign
42:52as you entered
42:53that said
42:54write what it means
42:54to love
42:55probably for some
42:55fucking promise
42:56quilt or some
42:56bullshit
42:57but I'm gonna
42:58use these cards
42:58now
42:59and we'll get
42:59to the bottom
43:00of what it means
43:01to love
43:09okay
43:12Jesus Christ
43:15how much time
43:16did you have
43:19no
43:23enjoying peace
43:24peace and happiness
43:24with total understanding
43:25yeah that's impossible
43:29love that it's
43:30purist can make you
43:32feel like your body
43:32is about to explode
43:33yeah that doesn't
43:34sound good
43:35what is this
43:36pepto
43:37mentos
43:38and diet coke
43:43did everyone
43:44do this to me
43:45did everyone
43:51this is so long
43:55throw them back
43:58unconditional acceptance
44:00of who you are
44:02yeah right
44:05when you can't decide
44:07between leftovers
44:08or eating out
44:09and you eat frozen foods
44:10haha dude
44:11was that you bro
44:12here we go
44:21oh man
44:24man I love it
44:25when he writes
44:26hilarious stuff
44:26in these
44:27sharing half
44:28of a sandwich
44:29here we go
44:42the silent moments
44:43the endless conversations
44:45okay those are both
44:46contradictory
44:50love is being seen
44:52for who you are
44:53and allowed to become
44:54yourself and change
44:55love is being seen
44:57as multi-dimensional
44:58full of potential
44:59and still enough
45:00as you are
45:01okay I've tried that
45:07love is giving
45:08more than you take
45:12like how though
45:19what is love
45:24baby don't help me
45:27and I'm not drunk
45:29okay I use all my
45:31frequent flyer miles
45:32and credit card points
45:32to be here
45:33move it along Paul
45:35get to the good part
45:35okay I've been on stage
45:37for literally two minutes
45:38okay
45:39I can't do this with you
45:39right now
45:40I can't I can't do this
45:45this man went to desert
45:47yes
45:48oh
45:50don't you think I want to fuck
45:52whoever I want
45:53but I don't
45:56where's I
45:57ruin your wedding
45:58I did that one time
46:00and you forget everything
46:01I've ever done
46:02love conquers all my ass
46:05my significantly less hairy ass
46:09okay
46:10okay
46:10oh no no no no no no no no
46:14no no no no no
46:15oh it's so close
46:19okay okay
46:21lock the doors everybody
46:22lock the doors
46:23lock the doors
46:24lock the doors
46:25shut up
46:26everyone
46:26we're not leaving here
46:27until we get to the bottom
46:29of this together
46:29we're gonna get to the bottom
46:32of what it means to love
46:42cool
46:47Charles
46:48dude
46:50I gotta admit dude
46:51I thought you
46:53poly cabalist
46:54weirdos
46:56would have something
46:57to teach me here today
46:58that's right Charles
46:59I thought I was gonna learn
47:01something
47:04joke's on my
47:05face
47:09weddings are not a place
47:11to learn
47:13weddings
47:14are an outdated
47:18expensive banquet
47:20where we pretend
47:23we pretend that love
47:25is forever
47:27we pretend that you want
47:29to stay bonded
47:29to the one person
47:31who you happen
47:31to be fucking
47:32when all your friends
47:33are getting married
47:34Ella
47:34earmuffs
47:35fuck
47:41we share these
47:42poems
47:43and prayers
47:45fusing two souls
47:47into one
47:47we pretend
47:48that you don't
47:49slowly grow to hate
47:50your partner
47:50while lying to your
47:51annoying children
47:52that it was all worth it
47:54Ella
47:54earmuffs
47:55fuck
48:16I can feel
48:18my wife's
48:19adoring eyes
48:19on me
48:21wrap it up
48:23Paul
48:24fun's over
48:25Paul
48:26put the flask
48:27down
48:28Paul
48:30I'm
48:31tired
48:38I'm
48:38I'm
48:40tired
48:45yeah well we're all
48:47fucking tired
48:48okay
48:48and pissed off
48:49kicks my stand
48:50because you can't
48:51get what you want
48:53okay
48:53you can't get
48:54what you want
48:55I've tried
48:55I've tried so hard
48:57and Charles
48:58I tried to teach you
48:59what I've learned
48:59bro but you don't
49:00listen
49:03you don't have
49:04anything to teach me
49:05Charles
49:05because you're
49:06an idiot
49:07the hardest thing
49:09in your life
49:10is a cat
49:12who's
49:13debatable
49:21if I was
49:22in your place
49:23I would've
49:24made it
49:24by now
49:25Charles
49:27and who
49:28gives the
49:29shit
49:29if I
49:30blacked out
49:31and ruined
49:32your first wedding
49:33because look
49:33where we are
49:34now
49:37Charles
49:37man
49:39so
49:40what is that
49:41it's crystal
49:44it's fucking
49:45amethyst
49:48Charles
49:50so easy
49:51to be you
49:51everybody
49:52loves Charles
49:53I'm gonna show
49:54you guys
49:54I'm gonna show
49:55you what it's
49:55like to be
49:56Charles
49:57hi everybody
49:58it's me
49:59Charles
49:59I'm Charles
50:01and I'm gonna
50:01do some improv
50:03for you
50:03like it's
50:0320 fucking
50:0412
50:06can I
50:06give you a
50:07suggestion
50:08meatball
50:09thank you
50:10meatball
50:31spaghetti
50:34it's funny
50:35because I'm
50:35repeating myself
50:36it's funny
50:37because I'm
50:37repeating myself
50:38it's funny
50:39because I
50:41wait a minute
50:43do you guys
50:44hear that
50:45this is the
50:47royalty free
50:48version of that
50:49Enya song
50:49you love
50:51this means
50:52it's time for me
50:53Charles
50:54to do my
50:55second
50:55first dance
51:03this reminds me
51:04of when I was
51:05little boy
51:06back when grandma
51:06was still around
51:12no I'm not
51:13nervous
51:14I'm the king
51:15of the shit
51:16this is a room
51:17that's full of
51:17people who are
51:18dying for a
51:19best man speech
51:23I'm honestly
51:23getting a little
51:24emotion right now
51:24not even a lie
51:27I love you bro
51:28there I said it
51:29no I drink
51:30the normal
51:31wedding amount
51:32hello
51:32it's okay to
51:33laugh people
51:34again
51:35what's up
51:36everybody
51:36it's your
51:36boy Paul
51:37big dog
51:38rose
51:41where my
51:41little dog is at
52:01I'm the best man
52:14oh no
52:15I did it again
52:20Charles
52:22why did you
52:23ask me to do
52:24this
52:34I fucked it up
52:36I fucked it up
52:38I fucked it up
52:39oh my god
52:42oh my god
52:44I'm so lonely
52:49I'm not important
52:51I don't know anything
52:55Charles
52:57Charles are you
52:58getting up right
52:59now to help me
52:59stop
53:00don't do it
53:04Charles you're
53:05getting up to
53:05help me right
53:05now
53:06stop
53:06don't do it
53:07Charles
53:09Charles I see
53:10you getting up
53:11to help me
53:11stop
53:12sit down
53:14don't get up
53:14to help me
53:15no stop
53:16stop Charles
53:17no
53:17no
53:18no
53:19don't get up
53:20on stage right
53:21now Charles
53:21no
53:23I'm sorry
53:23don't help me
53:24up
53:25no you asshole
53:26you fucking
53:26ass
53:26don't hug me
53:27right now
53:28you fucking
53:29asshole
53:29don't film
53:30don't film this
53:31don't film this
53:33don't film it
53:34no you don't
53:36stop blowing
53:37your bubbles
53:38this is not
53:38beautiful
53:39stop it
53:40stop it
53:41oh my god
53:42stop it
53:43okay pause
53:44right here
53:44take this
53:46here we go
53:47alright you
53:48put that on
53:49I don't want to
53:50get frosting in your
53:51hair
53:52okay now
53:53you're Paul now
53:55okay Paul
53:56it's okay
53:56it's okay
53:56shh
53:57it's okay brother
53:58it's okay
54:00let's get you off
54:00the stage now
54:01baby
54:01big brother
54:02come here
54:03come here
54:04okay
54:04yep this is
54:05an outfit
54:06that's hard
54:06for this
54:07you're so good
54:08okay Paul
54:09just have a seat
54:09with Paige
54:10over here
54:10okay
54:15hi everyone
54:18it's me
54:19Charles
54:21obviously
54:22I've been sitting
54:23right here
54:24the whole time
54:26soaking wet
54:27with sweat
54:29that was
54:31a lot
54:33let's all
54:34take a deep
54:34breath
54:40I actually
54:41prepared something
54:42for this moment
54:43that I think
54:44is even more
54:44apt
54:45given what
54:46just happened
54:46here today
54:48it's a reflection
54:49on what it
54:49means to love
54:51using your
54:52words
54:52before I put
54:53them in the
54:54promise quilt
54:55because
54:57love means
54:57something different
54:58to all of us
55:09the most
55:10powerful force
55:11in all of the
55:12universe
55:13is accepting
55:14someone for
55:15who they
55:15are
55:19the best
55:20feeling in
55:21the world
55:21is making
55:22compromises
55:23and learning
55:24how to
55:24make each
55:25other the
55:25best version
55:26of you
55:29all we
55:30need is
55:31patience
55:32kindness
55:33and gratitude
55:35Tom
55:42thank you
55:42Tom
55:48your
55:49Tom
55:55let's do
55:55our high
55:56five
55:56that's
55:56secret
56:05love
56:06everyone
56:07deserves
56:08love
56:09and while
56:10I don't
56:10forgive
56:11what just
56:12happened
56:13yet
56:14Paul
56:15you told
56:15everyone
56:16I have
56:16a micropenis
56:18twice
56:19at the
56:19beginning
56:21it doesn't
56:22change how
56:22I feel
56:23about you
56:24I love
56:24you Paul
56:24and I
56:25always
56:26will
56:29all right
56:29we have a
56:30few more
56:30minutes
56:30before we
56:31cut what's
56:32left of the
56:33cake here
56:34so let's
56:35all refocus
56:35our attention
56:37because now
56:37it's time
56:38for Andrew
56:39to give
56:40his speech
56:45how do you
56:46know my
56:46brother
56:47I was his
56:48teacher
56:48what'd you
56:49teach him
56:49English
56:50what's your
56:50favorite book
56:51Tale of Two
56:52Cities
56:52have you heard
56:53of it
56:53nah brother
56:56love means
56:57waiting in line
56:57for longer
56:58than I've ever
56:59waited for anything
57:00outside of a
57:01music festival
57:02and now she's
57:02doing that crazy
57:03yodel cry
57:04she does
57:07and now she's
57:08freestyle crying
57:12when was the
57:13last time we
57:13had sex
57:14babe
57:14probably when
57:15our daughter
57:15was born
57:16probably when
57:17our daughter
57:17was born
57:19the day
57:22the day
57:23it happened
57:25oh my god
57:26there's a
57:26backside
57:28what is this
57:29a Tale of Two
57:30Cities
57:30it was the
57:35worst of
57:35answers
57:36it was the
57:37best of
57:37answers
57:56is this
57:57is this
57:58in the over
57:58soon
58:03ahhh
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