00:17Security alert. There was motion in the living room. Security alert. This fucking thing! Oh my god! It is possessed!
00:25Security alert. Okay. This thing keeps thinking we're intruders. I think it's like we have to get a new system
00:31or something.
00:33Just turn it off. We're here all day. We've never needed home security less.
00:37Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but there's record unemployment and the economy's in full collapse. I think people
00:42are probably gonna get desperate.
00:43Oh my god, babe. So you know how I'm part of a Facebook group where we all pretend to be
00:48ants in an ant colony?
00:49Well, someone asked us to name a movie but replace one word with ant.
00:52Somebody wrote Ant Ant.
00:57What? What are you talking about?
00:59It's Ant Man, but they replaced man with ant, so it's just Ant Ant, which I'm saying is funny.
01:04You know, the problem is this app, the update, is a disaster.
01:09Listen to these. The fault in our ants. Ant Club. Schindler's Ants. Don't be an ant in South Central while
01:14drinking juice in the ant.
01:15That's two ants, actually. I love the internet.
01:17I think this thing needs to register your face. Just, here, look into the camera.
01:21I think Ant Ant's still my favorite, though.
01:23Shane. Hmm?
01:24The camera.
01:26What about it?
01:27Look into the camera that I'm pointing at your face.
01:31Oh, my...
01:32Okay. I can't do this right now. Can you take this over? It's something with the setting. I don't know.
01:37I'll do it later.
01:47Thought we... thought we had talked about that burping.
01:51Sorry. Strawberry citrus frescas make it such a delight.
01:56It's pretty disgusting.
02:05Hey, Ali. Sorry. I had some technical stuff I was dealing with over here.
02:10Oh, I like that hat. That looks great.
02:13Thanks. I let my husband cut my hair and now we're getting a divorce.
02:18I can't tell if you're joking.
02:22You're not getting a divorce, are you?
02:23So, did you want to go over the slides before they join?
02:26Um, yeah. Yes, let's do that.
02:30Okay, here we go. Slides.
02:32Buddy, where'd you find the bottle opener?
02:35Uh, sorry, Ali. My...
02:37My boyfriend is incapable of finding the bottle opener on his own.
02:41Well, your boyfriend wouldn't have to ask if you didn't rearrange the kitchen every 24 hours.
02:45I rearranged it because I needed to make it more chef-friendly.
02:48So that it's, like, easier for me to cook for both of us
02:51because my boyfriend never, like, cooks anything.
02:54Your boyfriend actually tried to cook, but you told your boyfriend that he made too much of a mess and
02:58that his food lacked umami.
03:00Is that, that's your excuse?
03:02You know what, honey? I got it.
03:04Don't.
03:08Marko, we can just reschedule if it's a bad time.
03:11Uh, no.
03:14I'm sorry. I think I have to deal with this just for one second.
03:16Let me just pause here in the middle.
03:17We can just, or...
03:18Click this off.
03:19I...
03:20I can't do this anymore.
03:21I am done watching you lounge around like a frat boy while I take care of literally everything and support
03:26us.
03:27My job involves touching people. I can't do that from six feet away.
03:29Yeah, but you can do something other than getting day drunk and staring at your phone pretending to be an
03:34ant with weird internet people.
03:36Can I without violating one of your anal rules? No working out in the house, Shane. You're hogging the wifi,
03:42Shane. I need quiet for my work, Shane. Doing nothing is the one thing that doesn't get me yelled at.
03:47Or was.
03:47Don't try to act brand new. Like, you don't love doing nothing. You are peak you right now.
03:52Well, excuse me for trying to find the joy in a fucked up situation because I am a naturally joyous
03:59person.
03:59Also, we're supposed to be doing nothing. That's the whole lesson of this. Maybe if you stopped obsessing over useless
04:06security cameras for one second, you would realize that nothing we do during this time matters.
04:12You need to learn to stop optimizing and just be.
04:15The only reason you're able to just be is because I'm providing you that space.
04:20So what do you want me to do with all this space you're providing?
04:22You can start by cleaning up after yourself, Shane. I feel like I'm living with a 16 year old.
04:26And I feel like I'm living with my mother.
04:27You know what? That cuts. Come on.
04:31I think maybe quarantine is just teaching us that we're two very different people.
04:34Aaron and David apparently are getting closer than ever because of quarantine.
04:37I talked to him. He said they're fucking like rabbits.
04:40Meanwhile, we haven't touched each other in weeks.
04:42That's because you're always busy and never in the mood.
04:44It's hard for me to be in the mood, Shane.
04:46But I've just cleaned up shredded cheese that fell out of your mouth while you were looking for what you
04:51wanted in the fridge.
04:52Oh no, I told you. That's unnecessary. Finnegan licks that up.
04:55Look, it's natural for things to get a little bit stale after four years.
04:59Part of it could be that we've been trapped inside these same four walls for months.
05:03I suddenly understand those pandas who refuse to smash in captivity.
05:06Hmm.
05:07Hey.
05:09What we need is to get out in the wild, you know? Give our mating life a little zhuzh.
05:16Like have sex in a forest?
05:18No. I mean like find a third.
05:21Please tell me you didn't just pitch a threesome during this fight about our relationship during a global pandemic.
05:28Could be good for us. We haven't done anything like that for a while. Aaron and David do it constantly.
05:32I just had an idea.
05:33What?
05:33Why don't we just fuck a giant like coronavirus molecule instead, you know?
05:38We can just Eiffel Tower, one of us on each end. Is that zhuzh enough for you?
05:43Coronavirus isn't a molecule, it's a cell. Anyway, forget it. I was just thinking out loud.
05:48Just thought I could provide a little zhuzh.
05:51Zhuzh my crack!
06:01Hi Allie, sorry. I'm back.
06:04Hey, so I just sent you a thing on how to mute your audio going forward.
06:14Security alert.
06:17The kitchen window was open.
06:19You have to press the button on the sensor when you open the window.
06:22Forget, what's the password again?
06:24It's our anniversary. Just put in our anniversary.
06:27Security alert.
06:28The kitchen window was open.
06:30Oh, come on.
06:32Security alert.
06:35What is this? What are you doing?
06:37I was baking you an apology to Angel Food Strawberry Shortcake.
06:40I figured if shirtless Chris Hancock could do it, so could I.
06:43It turns out Angel Food is impossible and he's pretty talented.
06:46Anyway, I know you only really like eating the icing, so...
06:53Instacart had a deal on Funfetti.
06:59Also, I cleaned up as I went, which, oh my God, so much easier.
07:03Really good move.
07:09So I've been thinking.
07:11I think maybe you're right.
07:12I think it could be a good time for us to fool around with somebody new.
07:17Did you eat one of my edibles?
07:18Just focus, Shane.
07:19Just fucking focus for five seconds.
07:21Okay.
07:22Maybe it is the perfect time.
07:23It's like nothing you do in quarantine matters, right?
07:25You said that yourself.
07:26It's like the NFL preseason, right?
07:28None of the games count and so nobody gives a fuck what happens because...
07:33Everyone's just waiting for the regular season to start again, right?
07:35Except the players are still getting injured in preseason, so there's actually a push to do away with it in
07:39the NFL.
07:40But I hear you.
07:41We have to do something, right?
07:44And this, you know, threesome thing has obviously been on your mind.
07:47What happened at Eiffel Tower and COVID?
07:49We're gonna have to be very selective with guys.
07:52I'm sure there are people out there who have been as careful as we have and we need to find
07:56them.
07:57If you're on board, we should talk about next steps.
08:02I'll download Grindr.
08:06You can't use that picture.
08:07Why not?
08:08I look like I'm about to cry.
08:10Some people are into that.
08:11Nobody is into that.
08:12Use the one from Tara's Wedding.
08:14Yeah, that's good.
08:14Here, scroll down.
08:16Okay, body type.
08:17Toned?
08:18We're toned.
08:18Are we not toned?
08:20I don't know.
08:22What are the options?
08:23I'd put average, but it sounds defeatist.
08:25Leave toned.
08:26It's fine.
08:26Okay, what do you think about our tribes?
08:28I put clean cut, discreet, jock, rugged.
08:31Well, you can't be clean cut and rugged.
08:33Put geek, discreet, clean cut, and that's good.
08:39And don't put jock because that makes us sound like we play sports, which we don't.
08:42Who cares?
08:43We're not being audited.
08:44Well, it's dishonest.
08:46You're misrepresenting us.
08:47Oh my God, you do it.
08:48I don't like being chastised while I scroll for trade.
08:50Couple looking for a third for NSA fun must be social distancing, must have good hygiene, must wear deodorant, no
08:58drugs, chest hair a plus.
09:03Yeah, that's nice.
09:05Relaxed and personable.
09:08Okay, let's get to know the gayborhood.
09:10Oh my God, there are so many people online.
09:12This is so irresponsible.
09:14I get it.
09:15People are lonely.
09:16We're in isolation.
09:17Look, there's neighbor Jim from next door.
09:19Only 20 feet away.
09:20Could be very convenient, you know.
09:21He's our neighbor, Shane.
09:22I'm kidding.
09:23Lighten up.
09:24What's he gonna say when he sees us?
09:25This is what I don't like about Grindr is it's so public.
09:28I bet we know somebody that we could just text and have a threesome that way.
09:32And if they say no or worse, they say yes and it goes poorly?
09:35Social suicide.
09:37Yeah, but nobody on this is looking particularly responsible.
09:41Look, this person's name is Jizzy McGuire.
09:43We don't have to do this, you know.
09:44We can just forget this ever happened.
09:46It's fine.
09:47Just keep looking.
09:48Oh my God.
09:49Oh.
09:50Oh my God.
09:51It's hot back sweat pattern guy.
09:53What is that?
09:54Who is that?
09:55It's the guy from the gym with the hyper-masculine armpit and back sweat pattern whom we used
09:58to stare at endlessly.
10:01Oh, wow.
10:03Yeah, he looks really good.
10:07Do we think he's responsible though?
10:09Don't you remember he used to wipe down the machines before and after he used them in
10:13this crazy OCD way?
10:15Yeah, but if you're sweating that much, you have to be wiping.
10:18I'm messaging him.
10:21Hey.
10:25Oh.
10:31Okay, here we go.
10:32Here we go.
10:32Here we go.
10:32Looking good, man.
10:35Thanks.
10:36Did you used to go to Equinox DTLA?
10:41Did you?
10:42Okay.
10:42Thought you looked familiar.
10:49Towel guys.
10:51We did go pretty hard on the towels.
10:54Yeah, well that's what they're there for.
10:57We like to stay clean.
10:58He he he he.
11:01Looking for?
11:02Third for fun.
11:03You?
11:05Oh my God.
11:07Are you allowed to ask that?
11:08That is so intense.
11:09I mean we want intense.
11:10Intense is good, right?
11:12It means that he's being safe.
11:13No, but we've been very careful.
11:17Careful how?
11:18Masks, disinfecting, six feet, etc.
11:22How about you?
11:25Same.
11:26Into.
11:26What are we into?
11:27Sex.
11:28I don't know.
11:29Sex is vague.
11:30Gay sex.
11:31I'll just put mild to wild.
11:33Okay.
11:35Mild to wild.
11:36You?
11:39Same.
11:39When are you free?
11:41I don't know.
11:42I need a day to groom.
11:44Sunday.
11:44Say Sunday.
11:45Sunday?
11:49Security alert.
11:50There was motion in the living room.
11:52I told you, turn it off.
11:54No, if he murders us, I want to get it on camera.
11:57That's the whole point of having one of these.
11:58If he murders us, we'll be dead.
12:04Okay.
12:07Oh, God.
12:10Is this like the worst idea in history?
12:13Will you just breathe?
12:15These things are all about going with the flow,
12:17which I know is not your strong suit,
12:18so just follow my lead and try to relax.
12:20I'm relaxed, Shane.
12:22Front door.
12:25God.
12:27Hi.
12:28Hi.
12:28Come on in.
12:29Shane.
12:31Look.
12:31Yeah.
12:31You just can't be too careful.
12:34Hi.
12:35Adam.
12:35Good to meet you.
12:36Thanks for making the trek.
12:36This is Marco.
12:38Hey, Adam.
12:39Nice to meet you.
12:39Hey.
12:40Hey.
12:43Oh.
12:44Towel guys.
12:45Cute.
12:46That's us.
12:47Can you welcome me?
12:52Do you want a drink?
12:53I made mint juleps.
12:55I don't drink.
12:56Yeah, I don't like to poison my body.
12:58And, you know, I'd prefer it if we just got right into it, if that's okay.
13:02Fine by us.
13:03Yeah.
13:03Hey, I'm sorry.
13:04What's that smell?
13:07Oh, it's this candle, I think.
13:10Um, it's, uh, it's called the Moonlight Walk, which is, like, less of a Santa Marvin.
13:15Yeah, I'm actually really sensitive to candles.
13:19Okay.
13:20Here we go.
13:21Yeah, maybe we could crack a window, too?
13:23Crack a window.
13:24Yes.
13:24Right on the...
13:27Security alert.
13:28So, um, shall we retire to the bedroom?
13:31I'd prefer to just keep it right here, if you guys don't mind.
13:36Here works fine.
13:38Hey.
13:39Hey.
13:40Mm.
13:41Mm.
13:42Mm.
13:43Mm.
13:43Ugh!
13:45Wuh.
13:46Mm.
13:51Ugh.
13:55Morning, babe.
13:56Water's fine.
13:59Mm.
14:00Mm.
14:01Mm.
14:02Mm.
14:03Mm.
14:04Mm.
14:06Ugh.
14:08Uh...
14:09Hey...
14:14what is everything okay no yeah sorry it's just i noticed you were biting your nails earlier
14:18was i i'm sorry i i think i'm a little nervous no it's fine it's just i have a thing
14:23against
14:24nail biting i think it's pretty disgusting it is it is there's all kinds of dirt and bacteria
14:30under there you know it's like we're gonna be kissing yeah no no i i i literally agree with
14:34you i agree with you it's cool maybe you should just go rinse your mouth oh yeah yes now yeah
14:44okay
14:44i'm sorry i'll go rinse also i don't know i i can still smell that weird candle is there
14:54any way we could like open another window maybe create a cross draft
15:00i can make a cross draft yeah
15:19what was that that was a cross draft he's creating a cross draft
15:33what are you doing i'm reaching out the dirt and bacteria from my mouth well hurry up it's
15:38getting awkward out here oh is it getting awkward it didn't look awkward at all it looked like you
15:41and that guy were hooking up and you were really enjoying it yeah i thought that was the point
15:45weren't you the one who pushed for this whole thing i was pushing for it because i thought it's what
15:48you
15:48wanted and obviously i was right you're very into that guy which i don't understand at all
15:52he's like so anal about everything believe it or not i'm kind of used to that
16:00i'm not like that you're not
16:09oh my god am i like that
16:15is that what i'm like
16:16he is much much much much worse but sometimes a little bit yes oh my god no wonder you want
16:22to
16:22mate with other pandas i don't want to mate with other pandas the only reason i brought this up is
16:27because you're always telling me how disgusting you think i am i figured you wanted someone else
16:32shana i don't think you're disgusting i think some of your behaviors are disgusting not you as a person
16:36thank you the way you've been talking to me lately makes me feel like
16:41you're gonna leave me leave you you think i'm gonna leave you i'm doing all this because i don't
16:46want to leave you because i want us to work why would i want to leave you because you're smart
16:50and
16:50capable and impressive and i don't really bring anything to the table and i feel like
16:58everything i do only pisses you off i i i just feel like
17:07sometimes i feel like you don't like me anymore
17:12shane you think i don't realize that you deserve to be with someone more compatible
17:16someone like him are you kidding me that would be a nightmare the house would be spotless but we'd
17:22anal each other to death no baby you keep things light and fun and you remind me to not take
17:30things
17:30so seriously and to be a person and you make me laugh of course i like you i love you
17:40really yeah you're my queen aunt don't you mean you're the queen and i'm your worker aunt
17:47i guess i was thinking i'm the worker because i do so much more of the work but the queen
17:52is like
17:52in charge it's true you know what this ant analogy doesn't work
18:00what are we going to do about that murder hornet out there
18:07what the what happened i don't know it just started going off did you touch anything no i was just
18:12sitting there shit it's broken we're probably gonna have to call a technician did you put in the
18:17passcode doesn't work this has happened before technician has to come you should probably go what
18:25he said you should probably go are you serious sorry man
18:38what was nice meeting you what sorry it's really hard to hear you
18:53not as dumb as i love you're not dumb at all you're my little kitty kind of clear
18:59warm what what are you doing front door
19:04hello hello fresh pack of fresca for you thank god oh wait i want to see
19:19oh my god they worked oh i did the cameras they recognized me well look at that
19:28how's the colony today actually i've been shopping for a new vacuum for us managed to find a dyson 30
19:33percent off oh my god that's the hottest thing you've ever said to me oh
19:39seriously i just opened it to delete the profile and for some light snooping
19:44serious uh-oh what neighbor jim sent us a message he saw us on there what did he say hey
19:52boys
19:56he's probably all alone over there huh yeah
20:03maybe we should invite him over for a little socially distanced something on the patio
20:08it'd be great right yeah security alert son of a
20:22bitch
20:24let me into this impossible dream
20:31i know how not to know just what that means
20:40except to think of all that might be seen
20:48in another life
20:56in another life
21:00in another life
21:02in another life
21:37Transcription by CastingWords
21:46You
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