- 9 minutes ago
Ghosts Season 5 Episode 18
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01:00¡Oh, we got a big boy!
01:01¡Timber!
01:03Oh, what was that?
01:05Just Jay's toenail flying through your head.
01:09Oh, no one got some hair.
01:12Welcome back, Joan.
01:19Well, it's a done deal.
01:21Mayor Tad is now the majority stakeholder in Woodstone.
01:25So are they technically a thruple now?
01:27I mean, in the business sense, sure.
01:30What about in the doing it together in a waterbed sense?
01:33Not yet, but once you let a silver fox into the hen house, all bets are off.
01:37So, what are these pictures for?
01:38Oh, just a little press release announcing my investment in Woodstone
01:43and how I, Mayor Tad, swept in and rescued a local business from financial ruin.
01:47I was a huge supporter of local businesses in my day.
01:50That's why I frequented Scores instead of one of the big chain strip clubs.
01:54So, Tad, in terms of this new partnership, how exactly does it work?
01:59You just get on the waterbed, put on some CCR, and don't overthink it.
02:03Yeah, like I'm planning on revamping the new spring menu?
02:06Is that something you want to be looped in on?
02:08Let me stop you right there.
02:09I want you to keep doing what you're doing.
02:11I believe in you, Tad.
02:12Oh, that's nice.
02:14Stupid, but nice.
02:15Plus, I'm far too busy to weigh in on day-to-day issues here at Woodstone.
02:20Oh, I'm sure.
02:21Being a mayor must be a very big and important job.
02:24Exactly.
02:24Well, I'm off to a ribbon cutting at a dog spa.
02:29Okay, Tad.
02:30Uh, we'll hold down the fort here.
02:33Everybody thinks they can hold down the fort.
02:35Trust me, it's not as easy as it sounds.
02:37There's flags to raise, there's cannons to polish, there's horse meat to ration.
02:42It's a whole production.
02:44So, there I was on a flight back to the States.
02:48Suddenly, turbulence threw me from my seat.
02:50I flew straight out of the plane.
02:52That's why I always sit in the center aisle.
02:54Lots of walkthroughs, but better than falling out over the Atlantic.
02:57You fell out of an airplane?
02:59Landed smack dab in the middle of what I later learned was Mongolia.
03:03Lot of yaks, not a lot of direct flights back to LaGuardia.
03:07So how did you get back?
03:08I hoofed it.
03:10Through the desert, over mountain ranges.
03:12I thought of giving up many times, but one thing kept me going.
03:16The thought of making it back to you, Cess.
03:19Aw.
03:20That is so sweet.
03:22Yeah, speaking of sweet stories, do you remember the holiday rom-com that we discussed last time you were here?
03:28Polar opposites?
03:29Yes, of course.
03:30It was set at the North Pole.
03:32It had two characters who were very different, and one of them was named Jenny Polar.
03:37Exactly.
03:38Well, I actually banged out a first draft, and I printed it out for you.
03:42So, if you had a minute, I would love to get a real screenwriter's opinion.
03:46Oh.
03:47Well, can't turn the pages.
03:49Which is why I laid it out for you on the floor of the upstairs den.
03:52This woman is relentless.
03:53It would be my pleasure.
03:55Great.
03:57I'll rescue you soon.
03:59Oh, this is a disaster.
04:01Oh, I don't know.
04:01I read an earlier floor draft.
04:03I think it has some fun stuff.
04:04I'm talking about Joan.
04:05She doesn't know that I hooked up with Bela.
04:07Well, in your defense, Joan didn't come back when she said she was going to.
04:11It's lost at sea rules.
04:12Someone disappears.
04:13At a certain point, it's only human to move on.
04:16It's like that movie we watched, Cast Away.
04:18Tom Hanks was stuck on the island.
04:19Helen Hunt moved on.
04:20She didn't know.
04:21And Tom Hanks cheated on her with that volleyball.
04:23What?
04:23No, he didn't.
04:25Well, they didn't show it, but something happened.
04:27You don't scream like that when a friend goes away.
04:31I need to tell Joan about Bela.
04:33No, you didn't do anything wrong.
04:34If you tell her, it's just going to hurt her.
04:36That's true.
04:37I guess you're right.
04:39Wilson!
04:40Wilson!
04:41I love being with you romantically!
04:43Is the subtext.
04:45Right?
04:45I can't believe you guys didn't get that.
04:48Hey, Sam.
04:49Hey, Mark.
04:51So, are they in here?
04:52The ghosts?
04:53Yeah.
04:54Uh, there's a Viking, a finance bro, a scout leader, and a hippie.
04:57And a purple astronaut named Ronald.
05:00Only you can see him flower.
05:02Right.
05:02Because of the drugs.
05:03I'm not going to lie.
05:05I'm freaking out, Sam.
05:06I wish you never told me about them.
05:07You know, I've been driving home every time I need to go to the bathroom.
05:10Oh, you don't need to do that.
05:12They're pretty respectful.
05:13Besides, you probably have ghosts at your place, too.
05:15What?
05:16How is that helpful, Sam?
05:17I've been to Mark's place.
05:18There's a lady with no face.
05:20Chimp attack.
05:21But maybe that's a just-for-us story.
05:23Hey, babe.
05:24We've got to turn on the local news right now.
05:26Okay, what's going on?
05:28The mayor's in hot water.
05:29That's what's going on.
05:31Allegations are swirling.
05:32The mayor used city workers to repair a broken driveway gate at his private residence.
05:38They're calling it gate-gate.
05:40Huh.
05:41That's sort of clever.
05:42I caught up with the mayor inside city hall moments ago.
05:44The allegations are false.
05:46I look forward to rigorously defending myself at the next city council meeting.
05:50What about security footage showing the workers on your property actually repairing the gate in questions?
05:56I'm going to go with AI, Jim.
05:57Is that a toenail?
06:00It's a ghost thing.
06:01And what about speculation you use city workers to build a Playboy-style grotto on your private property?
06:06What about speculation you were doing tequila shots in that grotto with the Channel 5 weatherwoman at my Fourth of
06:13July party?
06:13And that is all from city hall.
06:16I thought so, punk.
06:18Huh.
06:19That doesn't seem good.
06:21Nope.
06:21But these things usually blow over, right?
06:24Well, that's it.
06:26I'm out as mayor.
06:27Oh, my God.
06:28I'm so sorry.
06:29No, no.
06:30It's good news because I can roll up my sleeves, really dig in here.
06:34I'm all Woodstone all the time now, baby.
06:37That not good.
06:39Oh, well, great.
06:40Idea.
06:41Replace the pavers in the front walkway.
06:44Also, change the wallpaper in the entryway.
06:47Ugh, this is going to be most inconvenient.
06:49And have the staff start dressing less frumpy.
06:52Huh.
06:53On the other hand, some new ideas could be refreshing.
06:59It's not a misuse of public resources to have city workers fixing my gate.
07:04If I don't feel secure on my property, I can't sleep.
07:07I mayor poorly.
07:08For like that, man, his vibe.
07:12How do you know about herbs?
07:13But that's in the past.
07:15Let's talk about the future.
07:16I've been doing an assessment of the restaurant and the B&B.
07:20With regard to occupancy, it seems like half the rooms are perpetually blocked off.
07:26Yes, those are our bedrooms.
07:28You want guests rolling through ghosts in the middle of the night?
07:31Don't think so.
07:33On the website.
07:34It seems like I can't even book them.
07:36We prefer to create a scarcity.
07:38That's sort of a business strategy.
07:40It's like De Beers with the diamonds.
07:42Ah, beers.
07:44S and L. Ditka.
07:46It's classic.
07:47Nailed it.
07:48Okay, let me drill down, get a little more practical, Jay.
07:52You mentioned the spring menu earlier.
07:54Don't worry, I'm on it.
07:55I know that's below your pay grade.
07:57Perhaps in a pre-Gate-Gate world, now I got nothing but time.
08:00Maybe you could prepare a sampling of the new dishes.
08:03I could critique them.
08:04Let's see, what other action items do I have here?
08:07Jay loves an S about as much as Thor loves clutter.
08:10Which is not very much.
08:11Who famously hate clutter.
08:15Samantha, if I may, we're dealing with a political animal.
08:18If you wish to neutralize Mayor Tad, might I suggest appealing to his massive ego?
08:25Tad, as much as we love this feedback,
08:28I can't help but feel like a great businessman like you shouldn't be wasting his energy on occupancy rates and
08:35menu items.
08:38Go on.
08:39Sam's right.
08:40Spring menu.
08:41Small ball, man.
08:43You are a visionary.
08:44You're a world builder.
08:46Oh, well maybe this whole scandal is actually an opportunity for you to strike out in a bold new direction.
08:53You're right.
08:54Improving this small business at the margins, that's not worthy of my time.
08:59Exactly.
09:00You need to write the next chapter in the book of Tad.
09:03Yes.
09:04I need to look at the whole board.
09:06This is my time in the wilderness, and I shall emerge renewed.
09:11I just have one piece of advice if you're going into the wilderness, don't hug any bears.
09:16Unless they're like so cute, then you gotta.
09:20Wow.
09:22That was amazing.
09:24It really was.
09:28It really was.
09:36Joan, I heard you were back.
09:38So nice to see you.
09:39Yeah, yeah.
09:40Listen up.
09:40While I was gone, who was Sasapius making whoopee with?
09:45Sorry, what?
09:46You heard me.
09:48Something stinks to high heaven.
09:50Sas and I just had a roll in the hay, and let's just say it was much different than before.
09:55How so?
09:56It was good.
09:58Real good.
10:00Suspiciously good.
10:01Almost like you went to school for it.
10:02Question is, who was his teacher?
10:05Was it you?
10:06Heavens, no.
10:07Or you?
10:07I mean, it's possible, but I really don't think so.
10:10Joan, on my honor, I can assure you that while you were gone, Sasapius did not hook up with any
10:19ghost.
10:20Hmm.
10:21The way you said any ghost makes it sound like he hooked up with someone who isn't a ghost.
10:26Well, how would that even work?
10:28Couldn't he, like, hook up with someone in their dream?
10:31Good point, Flower.
10:32Oh, wait, shoot.
10:34That's what actually happened.
10:36Oh, shoot.
10:37This is the lady he's hiding that from.
10:39Who was it?
10:43Don't say, Bela.
10:48So, do the ghosts mention stuff they see when you're not here?
10:51You're not realizing how much lunch make we see him take over the years?
10:55Occasionally.
10:56They call you the Mortadella Monster.
11:01I'll, uh, Venmo you some money.
11:03Thank you.
11:05I got it!
11:06I know how I'm gonna spend my next five years.
11:10Oh, that's great, Tad.
11:11And I owe it all to you two with your advice to think bigger.
11:15Aw, so what's your plan?
11:17Well, before I bought Woodstone, as you know, I did extensive research into your business.
11:22One of the items I came across was an early review of your restaurant Mahesh from the Hudson Valley Gazette.
11:29You know what I'm talking about?
11:30That's the guy that I bribed to do a good review, but then Jay found out.
11:33And then he gave Jay a genuinely good review.
11:35Yeah, I remember.
11:36In the review, the writer sung your praises.
11:39But then, at the end, almost as an aside, he mentioned that what the Hudson Valley could really use is
11:47an upscale restaurant.
11:50Oh, my God.
11:51Is this really happening?
11:52Hooters meets fine dining, if you will.
11:54An elevated, ogling experience.
11:57Well, I think it's a winner.
11:59Do you?
11:59And I wish you luck.
12:01Don't wish me luck.
12:02Wish us luck.
12:03Where is this going?
12:05How do you mean, Tad?
12:05Well, if I'm going to own the nation's first chain of upscale restaurants, I'm going to need a test case.
12:12Starting today, Mahesh is now the very first Mountains of the Valley.
12:20Yes!
12:24So, tell me a little about your previous restaurant experience.
12:29Well, let's see.
12:31Italian, Greek, American.
12:33Oh, I've eaten in all sorts of restaurants.
12:36This young lady doesn't seem particularly qualified.
12:39Yeah.
12:39But the intangibles.
12:41Is that what we're calling them?
12:42I feel good about this.
12:44Yay.
12:45Oh, mountains of the valley.
12:49Very clever.
12:50I can't believe this is happening.
12:52This is my life's work.
12:53Can he even do this?
12:55Well, you sold him a majority stake in the business.
12:57You should have thought about this before you got yourself involved in ghost-related tax evasion problems.
13:02He owns 55% of Woodstone.
13:05Jay, I don't think we can stop him.
13:06What a nightmare.
13:08Maybe Jay not understand very clever name of restaurant because it seems impossible to have this type of reaction once
13:14you get.
13:16Oh, I got tough news, team.
13:18I just got an email from my lawyer.
13:20Apparently, the name Mountains of the Valley was already trademarked by someone.
13:25Oh, wait.
13:26That's me.
13:27I forgot about that.
13:28When I heard that reviewer pitch that name last year, I jumped on that.
13:32Why?
13:32You're dead.
13:33And yet, here I am sitting on a gold mine, Pete.
13:36That name is everything.
13:37It's the concept.
13:38It's the vision.
13:39You can make the peaks of the M look like two boobs.
13:42Then the middle of the M, that's a natural valley.
13:44Two L's in valley could be bra straps.
13:48Please convey.
13:48So, are you saying that you're not going to move forward with changing Mahesh into a Mountains of the Valley
13:53pilot restaurant if you can't somehow buy that trademark?
13:56Yes.
13:57I gotta call my lawyer.
14:01Jay, this is great.
14:03Well, let's not celebrate yet.
14:04I mean, he still might just buy the trademark.
14:06No.
14:07He can't.
14:08Because Trevor is the one who owns it.
14:10No way.
14:11No pants.
14:12Moving up the ghost rankings.
14:14Oh, man.
14:14This is a tough one.
14:15What?
14:16Why, why, why is it a tough one?
14:18What's going on?
14:19Well, obviously, I love this concept.
14:21And let us not forget that the whole Mountains of the Valley thing is my baby.
14:26And to marry that concept with that name on the very property to which I'm bound.
14:31Trevor is considering selling to Tad.
14:34What?
14:35This is bigger than all of us.
14:37One day, Jay will be gone and with him, Mahesh.
14:40But a chain of restaurants called Mountains of the Valley, that's forever.
14:45No, Trevor, you can't.
14:48Seriously?
14:49Sam, I'm sorry.
14:52I got a lot to think about.
14:54You're back in last place, no pants.
14:57He's gone.
15:00There he is.
15:02Just the handsome fellow I've been looking for.
15:04I'd say we should close the door, but...
15:07I can't.
15:08You know, it occurred to me that ever since I've been back, I've been flapping my gums about what I've
15:13been up to.
15:14Oh, the plain, the full, the harrowing reading of Samantha's second act.
15:18But I haven't even asked you what you've been up to.
15:23So, what have you been up to?
15:27Not a whole lot to report, yeah.
15:29A lot of branch watching, pizza smelling.
15:32Really?
15:33That's it?
15:34Mm-hmm.
15:34Yeah.
15:34You haven't been hooking up with Jay's living sister in her dreams?
15:40You know about that?
15:41Of course I know.
15:42Flour cracked, heady corroborated, and now you're more cooked than yak meat in a Mongolian stew.
15:47I don't know what to say.
15:48I thought you were coming back November 28th, but then you didn't.
15:51And as the weeks passed, I got convinced you were never coming back.
15:53That maybe you met someone else, or that maybe you never cared about me at all.
16:02You were in a tough spot.
16:04Truth is, I don't even care that you canoodled with the living.
16:07In fact, I don't know if dreams technically even count.
16:10I just don't like that you lied to me.
16:13I know, I should have said something, but I was just too scared that I was going to lose you.
16:18Lose me?
16:19You numbskull, I crossed the globe for you.
16:22You're not getting rid of me that easily.
16:30Remind me to thank that Bela when I get a chance.
16:32She turned my baby deer into a buck.
16:35Okay, I don't know about baby deer.
16:36Oh, that wasn't an opinion.
16:38It was an objective fact.
16:39You were bad.
16:40I mean, really bad.
16:42Okay, maybe let's just go back to kissing.
16:43It was like Hindenburg level.
16:45Okay.
16:46So, you figure out whether you're going to sell trademark to Tad or not.
16:51It's a tough call.
16:52My first instinct was to tell the mayor to take a hike.
16:55Sam and Jay are my friends, and I don't want to screw them over.
16:58But the more I thought about it, would it really be screwing them over?
17:02Or would it be saving them from themselves?
17:07Feels like you want it to be second thing so that you get to see mountains with your boobs.
17:13Many people not get that.
17:15I'm serious.
17:16How many times have we got to watch Sam and Jay make every wrong business decision in the book?
17:22They are true idiots.
17:24But we laugh.
17:25I'm tired of seeing them broke.
17:27And yes, they will be upset about Mahesh for a little bit.
17:30But when they're on their yacht with Tobey Maguire and Fred Durst, they're going to be thanking me.
17:35Yacht is boat?
17:37Yacht is boat.
17:39Oh, lie.
17:40Yeah, it's like they're Rod Tidwell.
17:42And I'm Jerry Maguire.
17:43And I am sitting here screaming, help me, help you.
17:48Mountains of the Valley is a billion dollar business idea.
17:52What could be more important than that?
17:55Hey, Dad.
17:56I'm just trying to catch you.
17:58I have some news.
18:00There's a situation with the restaurant.
18:03Um, it's not great.
18:06Just call me back.
18:10How am I going to tell him about this?
18:14Oh, damn it.
18:17Show me the money!
18:21Why?
18:23The movie is quote.
18:26Well, I have some news.
18:28We need to talk.
18:30Trevor just came in?
18:31Oh, yeah?
18:32Well, what does he look like?
18:33Does he look like somebody who just screwed us over?
18:36Well, he kind of always looks like that.
18:38I think that that's just sort of his face.
18:40Can I just talk, please?
18:42Look, I want it on the record that Mountains of the Valley is a great idea.
18:46One that would make a lot of people happy.
18:49I also realize that Mahesh is an idea that makes you guys happy.
18:55And I want you guys to be happy.
18:58Because I care about you.
18:59So?
19:01The son of a bitch won't sell me the trademark!
19:05Really?
19:06Really.
19:07But please, still hire that waitress.
19:09So that's it?
19:10You're not going forward with it?
19:12I mean, it is a great concept.
19:14But when you boil it down, that name is just magical.
19:17Without it, it's just...
19:19Boobs and steaks.
19:21Exactly.
19:23Wait a second.
19:27John!
19:28It's Ted.
19:29Do a trademark check.
19:31On boobs and steaks.
19:34You?
19:36Genius.
19:37Okay.
19:38That's on you.
19:40But I like it.
19:45Is this really necessary?
19:48I think so, yes.
19:55Excuse me.
19:56Do you have any hydrangeas?
19:58I don't know.
19:59I'll have to go check in the back.
20:01Are you flirting with her?
20:03I'm just in character.
20:04It's a dream thing.
20:06Just give me a second.
20:07What?
20:07Who are you talking to?
20:08Well, my girlfriend Joan just came back, and there's something she wants to say to you.
20:14Uh-oh.
20:15Thank you for teaching me sex.
20:19Oh!
20:21Well, tell her it was my pleasure.
20:24Later on.
20:25First two times were tough.
20:29She says you're welcome.
20:31Oh.
20:34What happens on the next All New Ghosts?
20:36I will tell you, right after a patented Martino drumroll.
20:41Beat?
20:42You only get 15 seconds.
20:44Oh, never mind.
20:45See for yourself on an All New Ghosts.
20:47CBS Next Thursday.
20:48Streaming on Paramount+.
20:49A new Elsbeth at a special time.
20:53CBS Next.
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