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Evil Lives Here My Child the Killer Season 1 Episode 4
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00:07Well, no parent ever looks at their little kid and thinks that he's going to be a mass
00:10murderer someday, or a murderer, period. As a parent, you have all these hopes and dreams
00:16for your kids, and then they just let you down.
00:31Just a photo of me and Timmy back when it was just me and Tim against the world, and we
00:42were
00:42kicking its ass. I look forward every day to coming home to him. I couldn't wait to get
00:50home to him. I just want to make sure that he grew up happy and knew that he was very
00:57loved. I made a promise to myself and to him that I would do everything in my power to
01:06give him a better upbringing than I had. I was just the average Joe. I wanted him to
01:11be special. Somewhere I went wrong.
01:24I used my hands to suffocate my kids.
01:29Who did you use the belt on?
01:34Babies.
01:37Did any of the other children say anything before you killed them?
01:42Gabriel said, I love you.
01:46Well, I'll tell you right now, if there is a God and they do forgive him, send me to hell.
01:50And I tell you now, send me straight to hell.
01:54Because I don't want to be there with them.
01:58I knew damn well in my heart something wasn't right.
02:03I never did nothing.
02:08Now because of that five children, they did.
02:12I can understand why people look at me the way they do.
02:16You know, I raised a monster.
02:18Here we're going.
04:26You know, I have my son, but now I got to provide him the life that we were trying to
04:32do before, but just by myself.
05:02I was like, it's going to be tough.
05:05I would be able to spend the whole day with Timmy when he'd get home from school.
05:11So I was with him the whole time, and he didn't know I was gone or, you know, nothing.
05:16And so it worked out real well.
05:19When me and Timmy, it was just us.
05:24I thought it would make a stronger bond.
05:26I did.
05:27I mean, at that point, I thought everything was perfect.
05:51One year at Christmas, I got Timmy a BB gun.
05:54And, you know, we'd go out and shoot it in the yard and, you know, had little targets and stuff,
05:58and, you know, it was all fun.
05:59We went through all the safety, you know, things that you don't aim it at no one.
06:02You don't ever shoot at no one.
06:04You know, I don't even want you shooting at animals.
06:07One day, I came home from work and walked into the apartment, and I seen Timmy, and he looks at
06:15me and says,
06:16I shot the neighbor in the leg with the BB gun.
06:23This guy was like 73 years old or something like that.
06:26And, you know, he shot him right in the back of the leg, and just, it was real nasty.
06:32And then when I confronted him about it, I was just like, you obviously knew what you were doing.
06:38And he said, you know, do you want to see what it would do if you shot somebody?
06:45I was just, I was all right, because we had discussed it.
06:48But he didn't, he didn't accept punishment very well.
06:52You know, he'd get mad at me and yell at me.
06:56Well, at the time, I thought Timmy was acting out, you know, because he was a young kid, and he'd
07:02already lost his mother.
07:04I believe Timmy always had mother issues.
07:06You know, there's no doubt.
07:31This is my two boys, my three boys.
07:35It was me in front of the Christmas tree.
07:39But you could look at Timmy and see that he really wasn't a happy kid at that time.
07:46Not happy about sharing me, the way I always took it.
07:51You know, or being a part of a family.
07:55You know, he's very jealous.
07:58I mean, he despised my wife.
08:02He, uh, always was just causing trouble for us.
08:08Tim told me that she was treating him badly, that she would make him stay in his room, wouldn't let
08:15him come out.
08:16And, uh, you know, he'd say he was hungry, she wouldn't give him nothing to eat.
08:20He's lying to me.
08:22He's just trying to get me to get rid of her.
08:24You know, so it's just me and him again.
08:30I always try to reassure him that, you know, I'm always going to be there for him.
08:34You need a mother figure as well.
08:36You know, and he just didn't, he didn't want nothing to do with it.
08:46Timmy was always jealous of his siblings.
08:48Always.
08:48He never, you know, he never wanted nothing to do with them unless I was there.
08:53But I would even notice once in a while that he'd get a little rougher with them than he should.
08:57And sometimes he would take it a little further than it needed to be.
09:02And I always felt that he was sort of doing that on purpose to maybe get even with me or
09:08with my wife.
09:11Everything he seemed to do at that point was to stick a knife in the middle of it, you know.
09:17I always wanted to poke into it.
09:19He wanted all the attention.
09:21I felt that I was caught between my son and my wife.
09:24And I just didn't know which way to turn.
09:27So I was caught in the middle of a real situation, really.
09:41There was an incident once with a dog, a family dog we had.
09:46The sweetest dog.
09:47You couldn't even get this dog to growl at you.
09:49I mean, she was just so sweet.
09:52Well, Timmy's room was in the basement at the time.
09:55And the dog was downstairs with Tim.
09:58And then I see the dog all of a sudden.
10:00It has like a red, bloody eye, you know, like somebody had poked in the eye or something.
10:09And I questioned Timmy, did you do something to the dog?
10:13He's like, I didn't do nothing to your dog.
10:16He seemed pissed off.
10:17And I know the other kids didn't do it because, like I said, it had been downstairs and it came
10:21up.
10:21And I had noticed it right away.
10:22And so I knew he was lying.
10:26And to me, it's just unbelievable because this dog was just so kind and sweet.
10:30And to hit this dog, you know, or poke its eye or whatever had happened, to me, was just really
10:36cruel.
10:37And it scared the hell out of me.
10:39That scared the hell out of me.
10:46You know, what else has he hurt?
10:48You know, has he hurt any other animals?
10:50Are you going to do this to your brothers?
10:52You know, I'm just like, because he was jealous of his brothers.
10:57And so now, looking back then, it's like, it's one of those signs of, you know, not good.
11:05You're abusing animals.
11:07You know, why didn't I raise him right not to do something so evil?
11:13That's no use of good kids, man.
11:15How the hell did that happen?
11:16How this happened?
11:24I don't know.
11:26As a parent, I think, you know, I mean, it's my job to make sure that these kids, you know,
11:32grow up to be good adults, you know, good people.
11:36You know, I thought I was doing a good job at that point.
11:42We used to love fishing.
11:44Timmy loved fishing.
11:45His kids loved fishing.
11:47I loved fishing.
11:50I mean, we'd go out there and, you know, spend hours and catch a little fish and kids' eyes light
11:58up like it was the 4th of July, you know.
12:00I mean, they think it's the biggest thing in the world.
12:05I mean, he was really, he was a sweet little boy.
12:08I mean, I didn't think there was ever nothing wrong with my child, but I could imagine if I did,
12:13I still would have thought he'd be okay.
12:15You know, like I said, it all fell apart.
12:17I didn't think it was going to happen, but, you know, it just, it happened.
12:24It's not nothing that I really discuss with anyone.
12:27How do you tell somebody, you know, that your kid has killed five of your grandchildren?
12:33I still struggle with it.
12:35And I always will.
12:54This is a picture of Timmy downstairs in the basement.
12:57It was basically his room.
13:01As you can see, it was a pretty cool room set up for him.
13:06At one point, he started begging me for a computer, but I really couldn't afford it at the time.
13:13But eventually, I saved enough money to buy Timmy a computer for Christmas.
13:18He was just so happy.
13:19I mean, he just cried.
13:21I mean, he was so happy he cried.
13:24I talked to a few of his teachers, and they would explain to me that they thought Timmy was a
13:29prodigy child.
13:30Timmy would come home with his report card with just straight A's and, you know, just make you proud as
13:35hell.
13:37And again, you know, the world's his oyster.
13:41I mean, I couldn't brag enough.
13:45To me, it seemed like I was just, you know, that I was doing something right.
13:53But he, uh, I'd definitely seen that there was something missing, and I couldn't tell what it was.
14:12He just decided that, you know, he just didn't give a damn no more.
14:15I wasn't happy about it.
14:18I was just really concerned about it, and that's why I said, do you, you know, what's your backup plan?
14:24And he's like, I ain't got no backup plan.
14:28Timmy didn't care what I said.
14:30He just really didn't care.
14:33I mean, he was going to go his way, and that was all there was to it.
14:36He seemed pissed off.
14:37I mean, not just at, not just at me, but at the world.
14:43The next few weeks, he's just become unbearable to live with.
14:47Cussing at everybody and just being mean to everybody, being mean to his brothers, my wife.
14:51You know, I tried talking to him, but he just, he really didn't want to talk about it.
14:55He just sort of shunned me.
14:58At that point, that's when me and my other boy's mother, we, we, we separated.
15:03So I destroyed that, too.
15:05That was the final, you know, break.
15:11A lot of the things that Timmy did contributed to the end of the relationship.
15:16And I was like, look, what the hell's wrong with you, son?
15:19I mean, there's nothing wrong with me.
15:20What the hell's wrong with you?
15:21And this and that, and he bumps up on my chest, you know, and I push him back.
15:29He's like, you know what?
15:29You can just kiss my ass.
15:30I'm out here.
15:36You know, he decides he's going to go on his own, you know, and I'm just feeling like,
15:42you know, because, like, damn, I, maybe I should handle that a little differently or
15:46something, you know, but.
15:50That's all there is to it.
15:53This makes me feel like a, a failure beyond failure.
15:58You know, that I didn't, I didn't raise a kid, you know, good enough.
16:06I don't know why I didn't blame Timmy, but I blame myself.
16:08I mean, what did I do wrong?
16:21And so it's like one o'clock in the morning.
16:23And all of a sudden I hear something in the, you know, in the kitchen, like somebody's breaking
16:27in or something.
16:28And I go running in there and this person goes running out the door.
16:32Well, now at this point I realize it's Timmy.
16:35And so I'm running out screaming, Timmy, come back.
16:37You don't have to leave.
16:38Come back, come back.
16:39You know, what's wrong?
16:40Is everything okay, you know?
16:42And then I find out he was there to get something to eat and because he's living in the streets.
16:52The dad just killed me.
16:57Now at this point I'm worried like hell, you know.
16:59And so I think, well, you know, what the hell am I going to do?
17:08And again, as a parent, I felt like I'd let him down so bad.
17:14And, you know, a couple of days go by and I don't see or hear from him.
17:20And then I find out, I get called from the police that they've arrested him.
17:38And when I talked to him, they were like, well, you know, unless I paid it, you know, I would
17:44go to jail or him.
17:47But I was devastated.
17:48I couldn't, I couldn't believe he had done that to me.
17:52I mean, I just, it was demoralizing.
17:57Not just to me, but to my whole family because, you know, now everybody knows that all of a sudden
18:01this kid that I bragged on for all these years,
18:05and now I'm having to put him in jail.
18:09All those years of giving up my life basically to make sure his life was right, you know, he just
18:16threw it away.
18:19Well, just, I blame myself a lot.
18:23And I can't seem to get over it.
18:25That's when I started thinking back, the thing that kept coming into me is that he was always jealous of
18:30the children.
18:32But he was changing.
18:34And it changed for the worse, not the better.
18:38I mean, he was a good, you know, good, clean kid.
18:45A heartbreaking development for you now.
18:48Five missing children from South Carolina have been found dead in rural Alabama.
18:52The suspected killer is their father, 32-year-old Timothy Jones.
19:02I can't believe it's been 10 years.
19:05You know, thank God for my wife, Julie.
19:10I mean, she at least tries to understand me.
19:16Julie is a wonderful person.
19:18She's got a heart of gold.
19:22I'm not the person I used to be by no means.
19:25I can't sleep.
19:28I don't like to be around people so much.
19:31I stay in my house more than I ever did before.
19:35I feel like people look at me as the father of a murderer and not who I am.
19:39Yeah.
19:40I would probably look at me the same way.
19:58Well, when Tim got out of prison, the biggest change was the religion.
20:02He came out with a whole new outlook on life that he was going to live by the Bible.
20:09He was like, it'll be okay, Dad.
20:12Trust me, just watch.
20:13I'm going to show you.
20:14You know, I paid my price, and I'm going to go forward now with my life, and God has shown
20:20me the way.
20:21I mean, he was just so happy, you know, and I was happy for him.
20:25I thought for sure, you know, this should send him on the right track again.
20:44The first time I held Mary Gracie was, it was like holding Timmy all over again.
20:49And I mean, it was just, it was a great feeling.
20:54And the way that baby smiled at me, I mean, I just, all I could do is just hold her
21:01and cry.
21:02I mean, she was just a little angel.
21:07And, you know, looking at my son and realizing that, you know, he's a man now.
21:12I was just proud of him and thought, my God, you know, that boy's come a long way.
21:19You know, it was just, it was a good day.
21:25And I'll never forget it.
21:26It was, it was, I mean, the happiest days of my life.
21:31I lived in my children being born.
21:50We were at my house one weekend, and, you know, seemed to be having a good time.
21:54Tim got a good job with a big tech company.
21:57It made good money, so everything seemed good.
22:00Amber and Julia were in the back, you know, with the children.
22:04And I would try to talk to him about what was going on with him, about his life,
22:08and he didn't really want to talk to me about anything.
22:11You know, but the religion thing, he wanted to always talk about.
22:14We clashed a little bit over it, because he says,
22:18Amber, she can not wear nothing but skirts and this and that.
22:21And I was like, man, dude, this is the 20th century.
22:23What the hell is wrong with you?
22:25I mean, my God, son.
22:27And, of course, I was upset.
22:30And then he would get mad at me.
22:34One thing led to another, and he looks at me and tells me, you know,
22:37I had to just beat your ass.
22:39And I looked right back at him and said, okay, now look.
22:42Son, I love you, but you're my child.
22:44As long as I live, I'll never let you hit me.
22:48And then he looked at me and told me, you know, I could just kill you right now.
22:55The stare he gave me was something I'd never seen before.
22:58It was just, it was an evil look.
23:01To think that my son would say that to me just devastated me.
23:04I mean, I was mad, but I was hurt.
23:10And I was hurt more than I was mad.
23:14So I tried to be calm in the beginning, like, you know, okay, you know, look, you know,
23:18come on, you know, just be cool.
23:20But it actually scared me a little bit.
23:22And he looked at me real hard and snatched my necklace off my neck.
23:31And threw it to the ground.
23:35Tim goes and gets Amber and the kids and left.
23:40And that day is when I seen the side of Timmy that I never knew was there.
23:46That was when I had actually seen the evil come out of Tim.
23:49I mean, I truly felt like he was unpredictable.
23:51I mean, I really, like I said, it scared me.
24:06I knew he was having a little trouble with his marriage.
24:09After I saw how angry he got with me, it scared me.
24:12I was questioning to make sure that, you know,
24:15Timmy was not hurting no one or abusing no one.
24:18I'm having Julie looking at the kids and making sure they're good, you know.
24:21They ain't got no bruises or nothing like that.
24:24There was nothing unusual.
24:25I mean...
24:32After all this came to head, what happened,
24:34everything just, like, just hit me.
24:38You know, it was like, holy s***.
24:40Why didn't I do something?
24:46Because I knew.
24:48My heart, I knew.
24:53And I didn't do nothing.
24:57And I'll never forget myself for that.
25:03I mean, I knew, I knew.
25:17When Tim shows up for holidays,
25:19literally the minute he shows up,
25:20he's got an attitude.
25:22And I could see it.
25:23He was looking to pick on someone that night.
25:25I don't know what it was.
25:26But, man, it just seemed to go south quick.
25:30And I mean quick.
25:31And, man, he flips.
25:35He jumps up.
25:36He said, you know what?
25:36I know you always loved him more than me,
25:38and you kissed my f***ing ass.
25:39I'm out of here.
25:42I'm like, what's going on?
25:43What are you, what?
25:45The thing that kept coming into me
25:46is that he was always jealous of the children.
25:49I ain't f***ing staying here no more,
25:51you son of a b***h.
25:52And, you know, grabs the kids.
25:56I mean, they were, they were all crying.
25:58I want to try to show these kids
26:00the best Christmas I can.
26:04Because they're just kids.
26:07And then we do all this,
26:08and then Tim didn't do that, man.
26:09It was just, I was just devastating.
26:14This is what Timmy's thing was.
26:15When he'd get mad,
26:16he would use these kids against me.
26:19Just realize that he's not the person
26:21that I knew
26:23this was someone else.
26:26A f***ing coward.
26:29A piece of f***ing coward
26:31that would,
26:32that would use a kid
26:34as a pawn in your scheme of life.
26:36That's just low.
26:37Why would you hurt
26:38the people that care for these babies?
26:41That you know beyond a shadow of a doubt
26:42that they'd give their life for them.
26:45You didn't give a f***.
27:13Look at my three grandbabies.
27:17Natan, Eli, and Mary Gracie.
27:24This is an Easter photo.
27:27You look at Natan and see that,
27:30man, he's like,
27:31he's like a split-num,
27:32Mr. Timmy.
27:36The mirror got,
27:38God, I love her so much.
27:43Right now she'd be a young lady.
27:52The mirror, I used to tell her all the time
27:55that she was going to be a ballerina.
27:59Because you'd walk around on her tiptoes
28:02for hours.
28:02It's like, baby,
28:03don't that hurt your feet?
28:04Nope.
28:05I'm going to be a ballerina.
28:10And Eli,
28:13he was such an emotional little boy.
28:15He was just so,
28:16always so worried that,
28:18that he had to make everybody happy.
28:21Oh, my God.
28:26These three little kids were so sweet.
28:29So when is it?
28:49One weekend,
28:49my parents had met Tim and the kids in Atlanta.
28:52And my dad comes back to me and says,
28:55you need to fix what's going on with Timmy.
28:57Something's wrong.
29:02So I say, what?
29:03He says, well,
29:06the kids seem really hungry.
29:08He shaved all their heads.
29:11And, uh,
29:13sometimes I slept with my eyes open.
29:16He scared me.
29:20So literally that evening,
29:22I call.
29:24Because, again,
29:25he's not going to ever do nothing with me again
29:26until I call and apologize.
29:31And I swore to God
29:32I was never going to do it, you know.
29:35And after my dad told me this,
29:38I call up and I say,
29:40Tim, it's, you know,
29:41it's your dad, you know.
29:43And he wasn't rude or crude.
29:46And he's like,
29:47how you doing?
29:47I was like, good.
29:48I'm calling to apologize.
29:50I'm sorry.
29:52I didn't mean for whatever happened
29:54or whatever I've done
29:56to upset you.
29:57I apologize for it.
29:58You know,
29:59so please just just bury this
30:01and let's go forward, okay?
30:04And he's like,
30:04yeah, great, great, you know.
30:06And he's coming up on Labor Day weekend.
30:09And I said,
30:10maybe you can come and see us.
30:12He's like,
30:13you know,
30:13I'd like that.
30:14That would be nice.
30:15I told Julia she was just
30:20happy.
30:23I mean,
30:24of course,
30:25you know,
30:26not everybody knows
30:27what happened after that.
30:45Well, the next couple days,
30:48we don't hear from Timmy at all.
30:50Now, of course,
30:51the worry,
30:53you know,
30:53alarms go off.
30:54It's like,
30:55holy, you know,
30:56what has he done?
30:57And then I told Julia,
30:58he killed him.
31:04I'm telling you right now,
31:05man,
31:05I know it.
31:06I mean,
31:06I know it.
31:07I just feel it
31:08with every part of my body.
31:14The police had called me
31:15and told me that
31:15Timmy had been picked up
31:16at a roadblock.
31:18And of course,
31:19the first thing I asked
31:20is,
31:20where are the children?
31:26And there's no children
31:27with them.
31:53And it's,
31:57I was working on my bathroom
32:04and I just started
32:05beating hell out of the tile
32:07in the room
32:07in the bathroom.
32:08I was,
32:08because I knew what he did.
32:14I mean,
32:15God almighty,
32:16them poor kids, man.
32:20Oh, God.
32:22It's just so,
32:25it's so evil
32:26I can't even begin
32:27to tell you.
32:28I mean,
32:28you've got to be evil
32:29to do something like that.
32:30You can't.
32:31And
32:34it just destroyed me.
32:37And it still destroys me.
32:50All right,
32:51can you walk us through
32:53what happened?
32:55I questioned a ton
32:56about the four outlets
32:58that he blew.
32:59I tried to use
33:01more harsh measures
33:02to just try to get out
33:03of what was going on.
33:04I just PT'd his ass
33:05until he couldn't handle it.
33:07Lots of push-ups.
33:09How long were you
33:10having him PT?
33:11I'm PT'd like an hour.
33:13I come back
33:14and find out
33:14that he's deceased.
33:16And when I find out
33:17he's deceased,
33:19then the
33:19just a fan and all.
33:21How did you get the fan, Tim?
33:23I followed suit
33:24with the other four.
33:25How did you kill him, Tim?
33:26That was with my hands.
33:28I used my hands
33:29to suffocate my kids.
33:33Did any of the other children
33:34say anything
33:35before you killed them?
33:39Gabriel said,
33:39I love you.
33:43God,
33:44I'm sorry.
33:49You know,
33:50if you believe
33:50in a God
33:50so God much,
33:51why'd you kill
33:52your kids?
33:54I don't believe
33:55a damn word
33:55he's saying
33:56because
33:58you're going to tell me
33:59you're crying
33:59because you killed
34:00your five kids.
34:00You didn't cry
34:01when you killed
34:01the first one?
34:02How about the second one?
34:05At what point
34:07do you not say
34:08that, oh my God,
34:09what have I done?
34:11You just continue
34:12to go on?
34:14And these children
34:15are crying
34:16and telling you,
34:16Daddy, I love you.
34:17Please don't do this.
34:20I mean,
34:21that just rips
34:22my heart on my chest.
34:24You know,
34:26it's times like this
34:27where if I heard
34:27something like this
34:28and had it to me
34:28in front of me,
34:29I would definitely,
34:30I would kill them.
34:31You don't get forgiven
34:32for killing
34:32five babies
34:35by strangling
34:35your own children
34:37and watching them
34:38looking in
34:39their little eyes.
34:40Well, I'll tell you
34:41right now,
34:41if there is a God
34:42and they do forgive them,
34:43it sends me to hell.
34:46And I tell you
34:47now,
34:48it sends me
34:48straight to hell
34:50because I don't
34:51want to be there
34:51with them.
34:58I remember this photo.
35:00Just wondering
35:01how time was so fast.
35:03I mean,
35:05he couldn't have been
35:05more than four or five.
35:09He could do no wrong,
35:10you know,
35:11I mean,
35:11he was just
35:12a sweet, innocent
35:13little boy.
35:15Loved me crazy
35:16and
35:18this is about
35:19the same time
35:19when he would reach
35:20into my pocket
35:20to see what I'd brought
35:21from him.
35:27Matter of fact,
35:27that's probably
35:27what he's eating.
35:31but he was just
35:34so innocent.
35:36I can't believe
35:36from this
35:37to what he is now.
35:52The police told me
35:53I needed to come
35:54to the police station
35:56and they're like,
35:57you know,
35:58you won't tell us
35:59where the children are.
36:01And so he's like,
36:03you can go in there
36:03and try and see
36:04if he'll tell you.
36:07They take me upstairs
36:08where they got him
36:08in this room
36:09and, you know,
36:11when he sees me
36:11and he's just
36:15looking wild as hell.
36:17I've never seen
36:17this boy,
36:18you know,
36:19ever.
36:20I mean,
36:20I want it so bad
36:21to reach over
36:22and just punch him out,
36:24you know,
36:24and scream
36:25and yell
36:26and go crazy on him,
36:27but I knew
36:28at the same time
36:29that I wasn't
36:30going to get the kids.
36:32So I started asking him,
36:34you know,
36:34just like,
36:34easy, son,
36:35just, you know,
36:35where are the children at, son?
36:37And he looks at me
36:38and out of the clear blue,
36:40he's like,
36:40you know,
36:40I could kill you right now.
36:42And he grabs him
36:42by the throat
36:44and says,
36:44I could kill you.
36:47And I said,
36:48go ahead.
36:49You can't kill me, son.
36:50You know,
36:51I love you.
36:51And he just,
36:52you know,
36:53started crying real hard
36:54and let go.
36:59It's like I seen
37:01Timmy the little baby
37:03when he was little.
37:05Just scared
37:05inside.
37:08I'm just,
37:09I'm being torn apart.
37:12Telling him,
37:12look,
37:13I still love you, son,
37:14but please
37:15tell us where
37:16the kids are
37:16so we can go
37:17and get them
37:18and, you know,
37:18and get them home,
37:19please.
37:21And he looks at me
37:22and he's like,
37:23I'll tell you, dad.
37:24I'll take you,
37:25I'll take you there.
37:39He had to go to prison
37:39for killing
37:40one of his children.
37:41He wasn't going to leave
37:42the rest of them
37:42for anyone else.
37:44He is so greedy
37:45that he would rather
37:46kill him
37:47than see him with me.
37:48And that's how I,
37:50I've always looked at this.
37:52And I don't think
37:52I'll ever look
37:53at it any differently.
38:01Well, I do feel ashamed
38:02because, you know,
38:04it's my son
38:06and, you know,
38:07and I'm the one
38:08who raised him
38:09so, you know,
38:09you always feel
38:10like part of it's
38:11my fault.
38:13You know,
38:14I've felt that way
38:15since day one.
38:18I just never thought
38:19I'd release
38:19a beast like that
38:21on society.
38:39I really haven't
38:41talked to my son
38:42or, you know,
38:43I don't write.
38:44You know,
38:45I just don't.
38:46My son will
38:49be executed
38:50just a matter
38:51of when.
38:52So I figure
38:53about four or five
38:53more years
38:54and I have to start
38:54this all over again
38:56now by burying my son.
38:58And that's why
38:58I try to tell people
38:59like, you don't understand,
39:00you know,
39:00I mean,
39:01this kid wasn't this way.
39:05You know,
39:05he just lost it.
39:07You know,
39:07I can't tell you why.
39:08I mean,
39:09I wish I could.
39:10I would.
39:12But now I'm going
39:12to have to go
39:12through the process
39:13of killing him.
39:16You know,
39:17nothing I can do.
39:19So I'll deal
39:20with that day
39:20when it gets there.
39:22Then at that point,
39:23maybe,
39:24maybe,
39:25I can move forward,
39:26but I don't think
39:27until he's gone,
39:28I don't think
39:28I'll be able to.
39:42because of me
39:43and me alone.
39:46Those kids are dead
39:47because I could have
39:48stopped it.
39:50I might have had
39:50to kill him,
39:51but,
39:55I mean,
39:55I knew it.
39:58And to know
39:59that your child
39:59took their lives
40:00like he did,
40:03it's just
40:03so unsettling
40:04and so unforgiving
40:06and just
40:09it's so atrocious.
40:12You know,
40:13that I raised
40:13a monster.
40:16That's the bottom line.
40:21You know,
40:21all the work I did,
40:23all the time
40:24and effort I put in,
40:26worked my fingers
40:27in bone form,
40:28this is going
40:29to be my legacy
40:30that I'm
40:31a murder-raising
40:32piece of shit.
40:35And I have
40:36to accept that.
40:45I don't think
40:46I'll ever be able
40:46to get over it.
40:49I just don't.
40:52I just learned
40:53to accept it,
40:54live with it,
40:55and,
40:56you know,
40:57go day by day
40:59because it's
40:59something it's hard
41:00to live with.
41:07That's just it.
41:14Parenthood is painful.
41:15There are no promises.
41:18Your children
41:18may not turn out
41:20the way you want them to.
41:21nobody prepares you
41:23for when it's
41:25the two people
41:25you love most
41:26in the world
41:27and one kills the other.
41:28What do you do then?
41:29things like your children.
41:30How open?
41:30What do you do then?
41:30Well,
41:31All together
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