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FunTranscript
00:01Hey, Mrs. B.
00:02Wow.
00:04You look great.
00:05Oh, do I?
00:07Yeah, what's the occasion?
00:09Well, the occasion was your makeup and hair test for the wedding.
00:12Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I don't know how I missed it.
00:18Hey, Mama.
00:20Whoa, you look amazing.
00:22Yeah, what's the occasion?
00:24I didn't miss our anniversary, did I?
00:27I missed the hair and makeup test.
00:30I texted you about it twice.
00:32What?
00:32Oh, Mama, you texted the Butler fam group.
00:36Courtney's not in that one.
00:37Yes!
00:38Really?
00:39I'm sorry.
00:39I see the Butler boys over here.
00:42No, the Butler boys are just us.
00:46Okay, so which group has the little Yoda driving the car?
00:50Oh, that's the Daphne drivers group.
00:53That's where we talk about pick-up and drop-offs for daycare.
00:55Oh, and for the record, it's Grogu on a landspeeder, but yes.
01:01Change that.
01:02Yeah.
01:04Okay, the makeup test may have been my oversight, but I am very busy, okay?
01:08I've got the florists, the rentals, the caterers.
01:11I mean, if we take our eyes off the ball, we're gonna be standing around the reception eating gravy jacks.
01:17I ain't be mad at that.
01:19Them jack fries, we fire.
01:23Marty, come on.
01:25Get your head in the game, man.
01:27Be better.
01:28Welcome to the block.
01:29Welcome to the neighborhood.
01:31Welcome to the hood.
01:33I thought that flight was a nightmare.
01:35Because one passenger is allergic, nobody gets peanuts.
01:40Mom, it seems like a small sacrifice to save a life.
01:44Snowflakes.
01:45Oh, look!
01:46It's your buddy, Calvin.
01:48Well, well, Paula.
01:50Welcome back.
01:52How was your flight?
01:53Doesn't anybody dress up to get on an airplane anymore?
01:56I mean, the girl sitting next to me, she was wearing pajamas.
02:01Nothing sacred.
02:02But the flight was surprisingly smooth.
02:04I was a little worried when I saw that we had a DEI pilot.
02:09Oh, I bet you were.
02:12Yeah.
02:12There, get you, Mom.
02:14Mom, Mom.
02:15You really shouldn't say things like that.
02:17What?
02:18I said it was smooth.
02:19I mean, are compliments illegal now?
02:23Hey, Paula.
02:24How is your flight?
02:26Slow it out.
02:28I better call Chip and tell him I landed safely.
02:31I'm sure he's been worried sick since I told him about the lady pilot.
02:37Oh, okay.
02:38So she just don't like nobody.
02:41Chip is her new boyfriend.
02:42He owns a chain of car dealerships back home.
02:45That's all she talked about on the way here.
02:47Chip was the Phantom of the Opera at the Great Lakes Supper Club.
02:51And Chip had the hips of a salsa dancing.
02:54He doesn't sound so bad.
02:56Chip is a very generous lover.
02:58He does things your father would never do.
03:04Oh, I couldn't possibly take another bite of cake.
03:07I cannot believe y'all are complaining about having a taste cake.
03:13Uh, excuse me.
03:15But who told your mother that you didn't need her help with the tablecloth?
03:20I was just trying to take something off her plate.
03:23See, that's just it.
03:25She doesn't want things off her plate.
03:27She wants everything on her plate.
03:29She lives for this.
03:31Yeah, but she's been so stressed out running all over town.
03:34We don't want our wedding to kill her.
03:35Okay, okay.
03:37I see what's going on here.
03:39You think this is your wedding.
03:40No, no, no, no.
03:41This is her wedding.
03:43Yeah, she told me that.
03:45You know, and if we survive this, we're still not out the woods.
03:49Because two weeks later, it's Malcolm's wedding.
03:52Which is actually...
03:54Your mama's wedding.
03:56Don't forget it.
03:57I mean, the slightest thing could set her off.
03:59You know what I call her when she gets like this?
04:01T-N-T-na.
04:03Ouch.
04:06Does she know you all call her that?
04:08Oh, hell no.
04:10You not gonna flip on us, are you?
04:14Ever.
04:16Now listen, y'all let me handle this.
04:18I am the only one that knows how to deal with her when she gets like this.
04:24So for the next month, everything runs through me.
04:29Are we clear?
04:30Crystal.
04:31Roger that.
04:32Here!
04:34Hey, mama.
04:35Hey, Daphne.
04:37Oh, hi.
04:39Mrs. B, thank you so much for doing the afternoon pickups.
04:43And all the wedding errands.
04:45Hey.
04:46Is there anything you can't do?
04:48Oh, stop it.
04:51Oh, man.
04:52I just love going to daycare, but that little Connor, he's a piece of work, though.
04:56Really?
04:57He's usually so sweet.
04:59Well, Tina says he's not sweet, so, you know, drop it.
05:04You know, I caught him pulling Daphne's hair.
05:07I sure did.
05:09Oh, no.
05:09Did you talk to Miss Doris?
05:10Miss Doris?
05:11I talked to Connor.
05:16Mama, he's two.
05:18We usually let the teachers handle this kind of stuff.
05:21Well, that little boy needed to be told.
05:23Hey, hey, hey.
05:24We do not pull hair.
05:30Oh, Jeopardy's supposed to be on Channel 4, but no.
05:34Here it's on 7.
05:36Did your crazy governor do that?
05:39Yes, mom.
05:39It's all part of his radical agenda.
05:42I knew it.
05:45What's with the lamp?
05:46It's a Himalayan rock salt lamp.
05:48Some doctors believe it helps with stress relief, fat burning, improved sleep.
05:54Sounds like a load of crap.
05:58I agree, but, you know, the telehealth company I work for wants me to encourage my therapy clients to buy
06:05them.
06:06So you're selling lamps now?
06:09Let me talk to Chip.
06:11I mean, his business is going crazy.
06:12I'm sure he could find a job for you.
06:14Mom, wouldn't that job be in Michigan?
06:17Well, I didn't say there wouldn't be adjustments.
06:21Mom, we moved here for a reason.
06:25To hurt me?
06:26No.
06:29Gemma got a very impressive job here.
06:32Oh, yeah.
06:33But she was telling me that she's over it.
06:35Right, Gemma?
06:36I didn't say over it.
06:39No, I don't blame you.
06:40Who wants to work for some fancy private school where everyone gets a gold star?
06:45Even the slow kids.
06:47Oh.
06:49Definitely didn't say slow kids.
06:51Mom, please.
06:52I know that you love Michigan, but our lives are here.
06:56Plus, Grover just started a new high school.
06:58Oh, yeah, where he's covering himself with tattoos.
07:01One tattoo, Mom.
07:03Well, in Kalamazoo, kids don't get tattoos.
07:05Because they're not in gangs.
07:08Grover is not in a gang.
07:09We can't even get him to join a club.
07:12Well, I'm just glad you're all so happy here.
07:15I mean, if you're choosing to pay these California taxes, it must be worth it.
07:22It is worth it.
07:24We have beautiful beaches.
07:25Yeah.
07:26We never go to them, but we could.
07:33Daphne's finally down and we are never giving her cake again.
07:37Marty, we've got problems.
07:39Look at your phone.
07:41Connor's mom is in the parents' group chat complaining that your mom overstepped and disciplined her child.
07:46Well, her child pulled Daphne's hair.
07:51Hey, man, where did all the cake go?
07:53Uh-oh, it's Doris.
07:55What, the daycare director?
07:57Decline.
07:58Yeah, don't answer.
07:58Just decline.
07:59Now leave.
07:59Courtney, you can decline.
08:00Courtney!
08:01Hello?
08:02Hi.
08:03Miss Doris.
08:05Uh-huh.
08:06Uh-huh.
08:07Sure.
08:08Uh-huh.
08:09Uh-huh, I understand.
08:13Well, that was a lot of uh-huhs.
08:17Your mom...
08:19Uh-huh.
08:22Has been banned from daycare.
08:23Oh.
08:25What are we gonna do?
08:26We can't tell her.
08:27It'll destroy her.
08:28We have to tell her something.
08:30Oh, no, we don't.
08:31Listen.
08:32You heard, Pop.
08:33When she gets stretched out like this, everything goes through him.
08:37Yes.
08:38Yes.
08:38Yes.
08:38Yes.
08:39Okay.
08:40Uh, Daddy, we have a problem.
08:44Why does everything in this town have to be vegan?
08:47It doesn't.
08:49And frio isn't vegan.
08:52I-I just wanna know, who canceled ice cream?
08:56Calvin!
08:58Come here.
09:00Can I ask you a question?
09:01Of course.
09:03Why does this keep happening?
09:05Everybody in L.A. thinks my name is Karen.
09:11You know, because you beat Karen so much.
09:16That's definitely the reason.
09:19Oh, okay.
09:21Uh-oh.
09:22What?
09:23What?
09:24Yeah, I got a text from Marty.
09:25Says Tina's been banned from daycare.
09:28What?
09:28Why?
09:29Well, this is all I have right there.
09:31Oh, my God.
09:32She's gonna be so upset.
09:34Well, not on my watch.
09:36Let me text the boys back in the group text and just let them know, stay out of this.
09:42I will keep T and Tina from blowing her top.
09:48Did you hear that?
09:48Oh, that is so the perfect nickname.
09:52Isn't it right?
09:54Boo-boo!
09:58Okay, good.
10:00Dad says he's handling it.
10:01Oh, damn.
10:02Pop sent the text to the butler fam chat.
10:04Your mom is in that one.
10:07Oh, we are all gonna die!
10:12Daddy, what have you done?
10:14What are you talking about?
10:15That text about T and Tina blowing her top?
10:18You sent it to the group with mama in it.
10:21Yes, you did.
10:22Yeah, wait, wait, wait.
10:23Fuck the fam.
10:24No, I don't have that.
10:26No, we are in this one.
10:27You want the one she made in her?
10:28Oh, damn, I did.
10:30You did.
10:32Look, it is a group chat.
10:34You check and double check and if all else fails, you unsend.
10:38But it's too late now.
10:40The die has been gassed.
10:42Marty, get a hold of yourself.
10:47All right, look, I'll just say that you didn't like the cake
10:50that your mama picked out and that you want coconut.
10:53And you thought she would be mad.
10:55So, that's it.
10:56Say it with me.
10:56Coconut.
10:57Coconut.
10:57Coconut.
10:59How do you explain calling her T and Tina?
11:03Oh.
11:07Okay, you know what?
11:09I'll just say that she's hot like a firecracker.
11:13Oh.
11:14Huh?
11:14Oh, yeah.
11:15Come on.
11:16It just came from nowhere.
11:18I landed a plane with Ellen.
11:19You see me?
11:22She gonna love that.
11:23She gonna love it.
11:24And she is not here screaming at us.
11:27So, maybe she hasn't seen it yet.
11:29That's a good point.
11:29Yeah.
11:30We still got time to smash up on.
11:33Oh, Chip.
11:35No.
11:37Tom Selleck hasn't stolen me away from you yet.
11:43He's so funny.
11:46Okay, good night, honey.
11:49No.
11:51No, I can't.
11:53They're right here.
11:55Oh.
11:56Yeah, we're right here, Chip.
12:00So, how's Chip, besides Horny?
12:05He's fine.
12:06Oh, and guess what?
12:07He has a job for you.
12:10Mom, I told you, I don't want to sell cars.
12:14Your passion is selling lamps?
12:17They're making you sell lamps now?
12:20Oh, honey.
12:23And the job wouldn't even be in sales.
12:25Mom, I told you, I don't want the job.
12:28Oh, because you'd be a nepo baby?
12:32Nobody has to know he's rocking your mommy's room.
12:35All right.
12:39That wasn't the issue, although now it will haunt me forever.
12:43Mom, for the hundredth time, we live in Los Angeles.
12:50All right.
12:53I get it.
12:56I had to try.
12:59And you know I only do this because I love you, and I miss you, and I just wish you
13:03weren't so far away.
13:08That's actually sweet.
13:11Rocking her world?
13:13Yeah!
13:18Okay.
13:20Looks like the coast is clear.
13:22Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:22Our phone's right there.
13:23Okay, what's her password?
13:25Don't worry about that.
13:26Everybody just clear up.
13:28Watch out for shrapnel.
13:29Daddy, you don't have to...
13:30Oh, no, no, no!
13:33How y'all doing?
13:35We good.
13:36How you doing?
13:37That's the real question.
13:38Yeah, I'm fine.
13:39I'm fine.
13:40Where did my phone go?
13:41That's what I'm looking for.
13:42You know, I don't know.
13:43You know, how about we go to the store and get you a new one?
13:46Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:47Good.
13:47You know, I hear the cameras are so much better now.
13:49Oh, okay, fine.
13:51But before we go, a quick question.
13:53Who's T and Tina?
13:54Damn it!
13:55You're mad!
13:55You're mad!
13:57So, who is T and Tina?
13:58Yeah, that's the question.
14:00That is the question.
14:00That's the question.
14:01Because, you know, T and Tina is you, babe.
14:04Mm.
14:05Because you hot like a firecracker.
14:07You like that, don't you?
14:09I do not.
14:14That's all I got.
14:15Wait a minute.
14:19Why are you so worried I'm gonna blow my tie?
14:23It's about the cake.
14:24We have decided we want coconut.
14:26Coconut.
14:27Oh, okay.
14:28That makes sense.
14:28Because you're allergic.
14:30So, you want your whole chest to break out in a big itchy rash on your wedding day.
14:35Daddy made us lie!
14:36Uh-huh.
14:38It's not my fault that y'all send our grandbaby to a little punk-ass preschool.
14:43Wait, wait a minute.
14:45What are y'all talking about?
14:47Ma, it's about that little boy that you yelled at.
14:49Yeah.
14:49I did not yell at that little boy!
14:52When do I yell at kids?
14:54Regardless, Doris has...
14:57Uh-uh.
15:02...banned you from daycare.
15:06Banned?
15:06Uh-uh.
15:08Oh.
15:10I see.
15:11Well, I would love to tell Doris my side of the story, so I'll stop by and say hi.
15:19Uh, yo, yo, babe, I don't think that's a good idea.
15:23Now, now, do not worry about me, okay?
15:26I'll just have a quick chat with Doris and maybe take away something she loves.
15:31Mama, she's gonna blow!
15:33Mama, she's gonna blow!
15:34No, no, no, no, no.
15:36Mama, my kid!
15:37Mama, my kid!
15:39I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.
15:41You're going to blow!
15:42What?
15:42Yeah, get it!
15:44No, no, no!
15:52Hey, how was dropping your mom off at the airport?
15:54Well, she very helpfully alerted security
15:57to three possible terrorists at the bag drop.
16:010 for 3, by the way.
16:05Well, now she's Chip's problem.
16:07I gotta say, he's kind of good for her.
16:09Yeah, she did seem happy.
16:11Just so insulting that she would think
16:13that I would drop everything
16:14and go work for the great and powerful Chip.
16:17Well, I'm the Phantom. I sell cars.
16:21Although I checked out his website,
16:22it's actually pretty impressive.
16:24Yeah, I looked at it.
16:25It seems snazzy enough.
16:29Well, somebody's texting me from Kalamazoo.
16:32It's Chip.
16:33Hey, sport.
16:35You're not my dad, Chip.
16:37It's okay, baby.
16:39Just wanted to give you a few deets on the job.
16:42Not fooling anyone with the deets, Grandpa.
16:49VP of Human Resources.
16:51Isn't that kind of good?
16:53I mean, it is.
16:55In a different world, that would be right up my alley,
16:57but it's in Kalamazoo, and we live in L.A.
17:00Shh.
17:01Yeah, we do.
17:02We could go to the beach right now.
17:04You want to go right now?
17:05I don't know, traffic.
17:06I don't know, traffic.
17:10Look, babe, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all of this.
17:14I mean, you got enough on your plate with the wedding coming up in two weeks,
17:18and all these super sensitive parents snitching you out basically over nothing.
17:24I'm not mad at them, Calvin.
17:26I'm mad at you.
17:29Me?
17:30Yes.
17:31After all our years we've been together, I don't want you thinking that you have to manage me.
17:36I was just trying to protect your feelings.
17:38Why?
17:39Because you didn't want T and Tina to go off?
17:42I didn't make up that nickname.
17:45Well, who did?
17:47Okay, I did.
17:50But it was actually kind of funny before you found out about it.
17:54Calvin, you're always saying people should talk things out, be more direct.
17:59Maybe you could show me the same respect instead of going around texting behind my back.
18:05Okay.
18:06I mean, you're right, my bad.
18:07But just for the record, I'm not the only one in this marriage who isn't always direct.
18:13What are you talking about?
18:15My favorite Adidas track suit.
18:18The one I accidentally spilled bleach on?
18:23I mean, come on.
18:24It was older than Malcolm.
18:26You insisted on going out in it.
18:28You wore the A off.
18:29It just said Adidas.
18:31Well, you don't need the words if you got the stripes.
18:34The people know.
18:37Okay, fine.
18:39I could have been more direct, just like you could have been.
18:43I will be.
18:45Come here, girl.
18:48Look, I mean, you really didn't like when I said you were hot like a firecracker?
18:55I kind of liked it.
18:57Well, in that case, it's about to be the 4th of July up in here.
19:13I don't know.
19:14It could be therapeutic for you, Jerry.
19:16The heat of the light bulb releases the negative ions in the Himalayan salt.
19:21Will this help me with my online shopping addiction?
19:29No, uh...
19:30No, Jerry.
19:32It's a lamp made out of salt.
19:34It won't do anything for anybody.
19:36Well, I guess I'll try it.
19:40No, no, Jerry.
19:41Stop buying garbage on the Internet and go see a real therapist, which is what I used to be.
19:47So is the shipping free?
19:52Goodbye, Jerry.
19:53Goodbye, Jerry.
20:36Maybe going to Kalamazoo is not so crazy.
20:53Goodbye, Jerry.
20:55Goodbye, Jerry.
21:00Goodbye, Jerry.
21:03Goodbye, Jerry.
21:05Goodbye, Jerry.
21:08Goodbye, Jerry.
21:10Goodbye, Jerry.
21:11Goodbye, Jerry.
21:12Goodbye, Jerry.
21:13Goodbye, Jerry.
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