- 20 hours ago
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00:01What the hell was that?
00:09Hello? Jay?
00:16Surprise!
00:18Carol! What are you doing here? You got sucked off!
00:20You're right. And I've been having a blast up there. I can't say too much.
00:25But they have pickleball. That's it! That's all I'll say!
00:28Carol, what is happening?
00:30I'm your little Christmas Carol.
00:32You see, around Christmas, we Carols are given special powers, including the ability to grant wishes.
00:37Oh, also, we can give out candy canes!
00:43I think there's been some sort of misunderstanding. I didn't make a wish.
00:47Oh, yes, you did. You said, and I quote,
00:50I wish I had never been able to see ghosts.
00:54Okay, so why are you here?
00:56I'm here to show you what your life would be like if you'd never tripped on that vase,
01:01if you had never fallen down the stairs, if you had never gained the ability to see ghosts.
01:07Wow. So let's get this started.
01:09Sam, you're coming with me.
01:14Well, that was supposed to whoosh us away, but it's my first time.
01:17Hey, I need to get some steps in anyway. Let's go.
01:20You know, Carol, I'm actually feeling a little silly about this whole wishing not to see ghosts thing.
01:25Holy crap, am I day drinking with Sasha and Libby?
01:28Sam, this eggnog is delicious.
01:30And these gingerbread men you made.
01:32So cute.
01:33Not to brag, but I think this one is flirting with me.
01:36Look at you, just enjoying a little Christmas Eve tipple with two of your closest gal pals.
01:41But I don't get it. Sasha thinks I'm crazy.
01:43No, Sasha thought you were crazy because she caught you performing a seance for the ghosts.
01:48And she thought you and Jay were murderers.
01:49But that was because of the ghosts.
01:51In this world, none of that happened.
01:53So she thinks I'm sane.
01:55Yep. And not just sane.
01:58Funny.
01:59Short, bald, and covered in crumbs.
02:01I'm sorry, is this a gingerbread man or the guy I dated before Jay?
02:06Sam, you are hilarious.
02:08Without the ghosts interrupting you all the time, you're actually a much better conversationalist.
02:12Man, I love to see these ladies in bikinis.
02:15How does this place not have a hot tub?
02:17Ugh, disgusting.
02:18Right?
02:19But you can't hear him, so you don't care.
02:21I hate to say it, but we've gotta run.
02:23Next time at my place?
02:24Uh, do you have wine?
02:26Of course.
02:27Then yeah, I think I'll be there.
02:33So, what am I doing now?
02:35Oh, just sitting there.
02:36Since you're not always taking care of the ghosts, you actually have time to yourself.
02:40Whoa.
02:41I can't remember the last time I just sat and read a book.
02:44And look at me, I don't even mind that Trevor's reading over my shoulder.
02:47I'm pretty sure he's trying to look down your dress, but hey, you don't know, so who cares?
02:52Stupid camisole, I'm getting nothing.
02:55So, if I have all this free time, I guess that means the B&B still isn't doing very well.
02:59Are you kidding?
03:01Without the ghosts to worry about, you've really been able to throw yourself into making this place a success.
03:07The B&B is thriving.
03:09Oh, come on.
03:13Woodstone B&B, how may I help you?
03:15Freddy!
03:16He used to work here, he was incredible, but he quit.
03:19He quit because of the ghosts, but now he's all in on Woodstone.
03:22I'm so sorry we don't have any availability until January 17th.
03:26Hold on, the B&B is sold out?
03:28Great, we'll see you then.
03:31Who keeps searching Girls Gone Wild on this thing?
03:34Should he go into Arizona State?
03:36I'm home!
03:38Hey, Freddy!
03:39Jay, I missed you!
03:40I missed you too!
03:43Uh-oh, mistletoe!
03:47She could do so much better.
03:49I gotta admit, this life looks pretty great.
03:52And Trevor seems pretty much the same.
03:54How are the other ghosts doing?
03:55Well, why don't we find out?
03:58Huh?
03:58It's still not working.
04:00Looks like we're huffing it again.
04:02And that concludes my lecture on different kinds of knots.
04:05Tomorrow, Thorfinn will be giving a talk on trout.
04:07We'll be similar to herring lecture, but more trout-focused.
04:10I'm in hell.
04:11Okay, so this all seems pretty standard.
04:14I guess the ghosts are just doing the same kind of stuff they did before I met them.
04:16So, Alberta, are you excited for our upcoming wedding?
04:20Aww, Alberta and Pete are getting married, that's sweet.
04:23Yeah, I mean, I get to sing, which will be a nice little treat for everybody.
04:26Although I may be a little surprised they're finally going through with it.
04:30Oh, so it's not Pete and Alberta.
04:32You know what? If they're happy, I'm happy.
04:34Well, one of them is definitely happy.
04:36Carol, who are they talking about?
04:37Hello!
04:40Oh, we look forward to seeing you at our nuptials this afternoon.
04:44Hmm?
04:45Huzzah!
04:45Isaac and Hedy?
04:47But that is impossible.
04:48And yet, in this world, it's happening.
04:50Your wish.
04:51We just wanted to remind you that the ceremony is to begin promptly at 2 o'clock.
04:55Weather permitting, of course.
04:57The wedding is indoors, man.
04:58Right, right, right.
05:00Could be a tornado.
05:01No, no.
05:02The only tornado should be tonight.
05:05In our marriage bit.
05:07Oh, come on.
05:14Wait, wait, wait, wait!
05:16Carol, what is going on?
05:17Isaac can't marry Hedy.
05:19He's... gay.
05:20Why did you whisper that?
05:22I don't know, it seemed like a weird thing to shout.
05:24Here's the thing.
05:25Isaac only came out because you were there to support him.
05:28Without you, he still hasn't figured out who he truly is.
05:32Huh.
05:33I guess I did have kind of a big effect on him.
05:35You've had a big effect on all of them.
05:37Without you, Auburn never found out who killed her.
05:40Though we're still having his night terrors, and Pete never learned he could leave the property.
05:44He never even tried?
05:45He was told he couldn't, and the man loves rules.
05:48He won a goldfish at the state fair once and reported it on our taxes.
05:53Let me guess, he also tried to report a free sample from the grocery store?
05:58It's actually the other Sam that's funny.
06:00Come on, I have a lot to show you.
06:02Christmas is always one of the toughest times to be dead.
06:05Wondering about my family.
06:06Are they doing okay?
06:08Do they even think about me?
06:09They do.
06:10Your daughter, Laura, named her son after you.
06:13Pete doesn't know that.
06:14In this world, you never invited me here to dedicate that weird bench.
06:18Pete never watched Laura get married.
06:20He doesn't even know little Pete.
06:21We'll also miss his family.
06:24Leave behind young son.
06:26We'll never get to know what he like as man.
06:29No, Boar.
06:30Your son is like a hundred yards away.
06:32Tragic.
06:33I hope he grew up to be a great warrior.
06:36Kill many Danes.
06:38Never eat best friend.
06:40What?
06:40Nothing.
06:41Random example not taken from Thor's life.
06:43The nice thing about the holidays is that the girls on the dating apps are lonely as hell.
06:49I'm talking like six separate livings right now.
06:51One may fly in from Miami to meet up.
06:53What do you hope happens when she gets here?
06:55I don't know.
06:56Maybe she'll choke on something and die.
06:57It happens.
06:58I get it.
06:59Sex with women.
07:00Nothing like it.
07:02Which I know because of the 43 times.
07:04Oh, that's right.
07:05Sas is still hiding the fact that he's a virgin.
07:07This is painful.
07:09Has anyone found love?
07:10What about Thor and Flower?
07:11Not even close.
07:13Flower fell into the well two years ago.
07:15Flower's in the well?
07:16Well, she was until you filled it with cement.
07:18So now she's lost in the dirt.
07:21A fact she keeps forgetting and then quickly rediscovers in an endless cycle of horror.
07:26Okay, so is that it?
07:27Or do you have more bad news to show me?
07:29More bad news.
07:30The basement ghosts are really upset about your shiny new water heater.
07:36Wait.
07:37Everyone shut up.
07:39I think I heard a gurgle.
07:42Oh, there it is again.
07:44Sorry.
07:44That was my tummy.
07:45Oh, damn it, Stuart.
07:47You got our hopes up for nothing, you toad's ass.
07:50This newfangled water heater hasn't made a peep since that blonde witch put it in.
07:54God, I hate her.
07:56She's very rude.
07:57Last week I saw her drop a piece of pizza on the ground and pick it up and eat it.
08:01And it fell cheese side down.
08:04I think we can move on.
08:08What's going on here?
08:09Hedy, I need to talk to you about the wedding.
08:11Are you still waffling on a best man?
08:13I do agree.
08:15Slim pickings.
08:16But Sasami's probably presents the most handsome stage picture.
08:20No.
08:20It's...
08:21It's more than that.
08:22Oh my gosh.
08:23Is he gonna tell her?
08:24Could you just watch?
08:25You'd be a very annoying person to go see a movie with.
08:28Maybe we push it.
08:29What?
08:30Why rush a wedding in the dead of winter when spring is just around the corner?
08:34Because we were supposed to get married in spring.
08:36Last spring.
08:37And you wanted to push till summer, citing the April racket of the birds.
08:41But then summer was too hot and then fall came around and you started whining about how it's the season
08:45when you're most sleepy.
08:46I've always been very sleepy in the fall, everyone knows that.
08:48Isaac!
08:49What's wrong?
08:50If there is something else going on, just tell me.
08:55Well...
08:56Actually...
08:57Come on.
08:58Isaac, tell her.
09:00She's your dearest friend.
09:01You can trust her.
09:05Wedding prank.
09:07I'm sorry.
09:07What?
09:08You've been wedding pranked.
09:13Score one for Higginshoot.
09:15You should've seen the look on your face.
09:16You were freaking out.
09:17Indeed!
09:21I don't want to have this talk again.
09:23Oh!
09:23Sounds like the show's about to start.
09:24Come on.
09:24It's Christmas Eve.
09:25You can't go back into the city already.
09:27You just got home.
09:28I don't know what you want me to tell you.
09:29I have to work.
09:31These two back at it.
09:32Classic Sam and Jay fight.
09:34He's like tiffs between Whoopie and Megan.
09:36But they can't cut the commercial.
09:38We get to see everything.
09:40Wait.
09:40Why is Jay working in the city?
09:42Jay never wanted to move out here, remember?
09:44He only stayed because of your accident.
09:46But in this world, you were just pulling him away from his cooking and his friends and his career.
09:52Didn't he open his own restaurant at the B&B?
09:54Without the ghosts, the idea for Mahesh never came up.
09:57So Jay's resentment built until he finally took a job back in the city.
10:01Ooh, Sam's mad.
10:02There goes the pain.
10:03Can't you just call in sick or something?
10:05I don't want to call in sick.
10:06I love my job.
10:07Yeah, but you're never here.
10:09I never wanted to be here.
10:11You dragged me here.
10:15Well, nice to drag people places.
10:17Skin on back of head wear way quicker than you think.
10:20Heh.
10:21This one time.
10:21I don't want to hear with the law.
10:23We seemed so happy together this morning.
10:26A performance for your assistant, Freddy.
10:28He's seen so many of your fights.
10:30So now you guys overcompensate in front of him.
10:32Okay.
10:33Let's give this one more shot.
10:37Isaac Higantut and Henrietta Woodstone.
10:39Holy crap!
10:40It worked!
10:40It's so lovely to be gathered here today with you and all of our closest friends.
10:43Oh, it's the wedding.
10:43Fun.
10:44My sincere hope is that the two of you enjoy a marriage as loving and as loyal as what I
10:50had with Carol.
10:51Whoopsie.
10:51Now, if anyone here sees any reason why these two should not wed, then now would be a great time
10:56to pipe up.
10:58Nothing?
11:00Really?
11:02Captain Higantut.
11:03Lieutenant Colonel Jessup.
11:05You've come.
11:06Yes.
11:07I know we've had our differences, but I couldn't let you get married without saying.
11:13Come on, Nigel.
11:14You got this.
11:16Congratulations.
11:18Okay.
11:20Well, I guess there's nothing left to do.
11:22Except continue.
11:25Unless...
11:26Go on, Lawrence.
11:27Anyone?
11:28Look at me!
11:29I'm 15 feet away from this train wreck and there's nothing I can do!
11:33Why do I look so happy?
11:35Jay and I just had a huge fight.
11:37Well, you're not going to want to hear this one, but with you and Jay growing apart, you started an
11:41emotional affair with someone you met online.
11:44What?
11:45Who?
11:48No.
11:49No.
11:49No.
11:50No.
11:52No.
11:55No.
11:57Okay, I'll call you when I get to the city.
11:59No!
11:59Jay, don't go!
12:00Okay!
12:01Hetty, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
12:05I do!
12:06You've got to stop this!
12:08None of this is right!
12:09I'm sorry, Sam.
12:09It's too late.
12:10What do you mean?
12:11Isaac, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
12:14Well, you made a wish and I was sent here to grant it.
12:17I do.
12:18But this isn't what I want!
12:20Hetty and Isaac, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
12:23Isaac, you may kiss the bride.
12:30That's it.
12:31The tour's over.
12:32This is now your life.
12:33Merry Christmas, Sam!
12:40No!
12:42Oh, great.
12:43That's a little jerks.
12:44I mean, I love ya.
12:47Oh.
12:52Carol?
12:53Carol!
12:54Come back!
12:55What's wrong with Sam?
12:56I want things to go back to the way they were.
12:59I want Pete and Alberta to be dating again.
13:01Me and Pete?
13:02How does she know our names?
13:04Sass shouldn't be hiding the fact that he's a virgin.
13:06Virgin?
13:07Okay, so that's all my satisfied customers.
13:09And I want to live in a world where Isaac is proud to be gay.
13:13Gay?
13:14A red-blooded billy goat like me?
13:17You just...
13:18Most of all, I want Jay back.
13:21I don't care if things aren't perfect or if our life is complicated sometimes.
13:26I just want to face it all with him.
13:28I wish things could go back to how they were.
13:32I wish I could see ghosts again.
13:37That's my girl.
13:39Welcome back, Sam.
13:47I can see you.
13:48Hedy, can you hear me?
13:50Alberta, can you see me?
13:52What's with Sam?
13:53She sounds like Yentl.
13:54Oh, thank God!
13:55I made a terrible wish that I couldn't see ghosts, and then Carol granted it.
13:59My Carol?
14:00Yes, but she was Christmas Carol, and everything was messed up.
14:04You were there, Isaac, but you were marrying Hedy.
14:07And you were there, Thor, but you didn't know your son.
14:10Was I there?
14:11I don't really remember.
14:13The point is, I regret what he said.
14:15I'm sorry.
14:16I'm so happy I can see you guys.
14:18I was just upset.
14:19Hey, uh, I was just talking to that guy, and I'm a...
14:25Whoa, what was that for?
14:27For everything.
14:28I love you, Jay.
14:32Whoa.
14:33I think I fell asleep for a few minutes, but then the smooching woke me up.
14:37Hey, man, it's Flower.
14:39What?
14:40What's happening?
14:43Jay, it's me.
14:45Flower possessed me.
14:47Thor did it as a gift to her.
14:48Next year, we'll only give sex coupon.
14:51It's enough.
14:52What?
14:52Okay, well, we gotta get Flower out of you before this interview.
14:55What interview?
14:55I thought I blew the interview.
14:57What are you talking about?
14:58The interview hasn't happened yet.
15:00You were just getting your makeup done.
15:02There she is.
15:03It's showtime.
15:06Hey, man.
15:07Aren't you that guy from TV?
15:09You know, I was on TV once.
15:11I flashed the second basement at a San Francisco Giants game.
15:14Cool.
15:15Maybe we don't mention stuff like that on the air.
15:17Huh?
15:18This way, please.
15:20Flower?
15:20Sam?
15:21Flower Sam?
15:22Okay.
15:22This is right over here.
15:23Cool.
15:24Oh, guys, you know what?
15:26Um, actually, I think Sam needs to go outside for just a minute.
15:30Sorry, we're about to go live.
15:31We need to buy Sam some time to regain control and get to the boundary.
15:35I got this.
15:37Mmm.
15:41Uh, Walter, just a minute.
15:42I'm picking up a weird room tone.
15:44Guys, can we fix this now?
15:46Tiny camera.
15:48Feel Odin's wrath!
15:50Oh, we lost picture.
15:52Unbelievable.
15:53All right, we need a battery change on camera one.
15:55This is incredible teamwork.
15:57And if it were St. Patrick's Day, I'd be jumping in with a contribution of my own.
16:04Whoa, what the?
16:05Hey, hold the roll.
16:06Let's get this cleaned up.
16:07All right, we're taking a Type 2, and we're going live.
16:10Take control, Sam.
16:11This is your moment.
16:14I'm back.
16:14No, go!
16:15Get to the boundary.
16:18Run!
16:19Like there's a sale at Old Navy!
16:30Man, the Pringles were good.
16:32Sorry about all that possession stuff, Sam.
16:35All good.
16:36She's back.
16:38All right, I think we're good to go.
16:39Camera's ready?
16:41You good, babe?
16:44We're live in three.
16:47That's right, Jill.
16:48I'm here in New York's Hudson Valley with author of Isaac Higgintooth, Colonial Vampire.
16:53Hey, Sam, thanks for being here.
16:55Thank you so much for having me.
16:57And so this is a book where you can have a laugh, maybe a cry, and hopefully learn something about
17:02the origins of our nation.
17:04Well, I certainly enjoyed when George Washington turned into a bat.
17:07Did that really happen?
17:09I'm kidding, of course.
17:10Well, anyhow, thanks, Sam.
17:12Jill, back to you.
17:14Oh, you crushed it, Sam!
17:16And if I had money and the ability to turn pages, I would buy your book for sure.
17:20Babe, you were amazing.
17:22Thanks, Jay.
17:23I couldn't have done it without you.
17:25Without any of you.
17:27I just feel so lucky to have all of you in my life.
17:29Even Thor?
17:31Yes, Thor.
17:32Even you.
17:32And not to relitigate, but you did sort of say to surprise you.
17:38We leave it at that.
17:38I know the possession wasn't ideal, but it was a really groovy gift.
17:43I mean, I got to take drugs for the first time in 60 years.
17:46I'm sorry, what do you mean you took drugs?
17:48The mistletoe.
17:49The drug I got from Gabe.
17:50I took it, well, we took it, on my way back from the restaurant.
17:54Wow, look at that.
17:56You were high as a kite.
17:57I suppose that explains this whole visit from Carol nonsense.
18:01I guess it does.
18:03Okay, I can't help it.
18:04I've got to watch it again.
18:05I'm so proud of you, babe.
18:15Hey, Trevor, help me out with this scratch and sniff Sam got me for Christmas.
18:22Come on, come on.
18:28Wow.
18:28Wow, for a piece of paper with cartoon eyes and a pepperoni bow tie, that's pretty good.
18:33Great things.
18:34Ah, every time.
18:36Patience.
18:37What's up?
18:38I come with good news.
18:40Your disappointment at our parting gave me pause.
18:43What?
18:44What are you saying?
18:44I am saying that I now believe that we should be together.
18:50Yeah, but different worlds.
18:54Oh.
18:54Sometimes that first thought is the best thought.
18:57Oh, but that can be remedied.
18:59I have met your friends, and you can meet my people.
19:02Where is this going?
19:03Trevor Lefkowitz.
19:04Fellow of the Overgrounds.
19:06Son of Abraham.
19:06Holder of my heart.
19:08Allow me to introduce you to...
19:10The Others.
19:19Hey, I'm Bruce.
19:21And this is Brother Richard, my beautiful wife, Sunrise, and her husband, male number 28.
19:27Sometimes people call me Ted.
19:29So is this like some sort of cult?
19:31Oh, we don't like that word.
19:33It's not a cult.
19:34It's a family.
19:35Great legs, by the way.
19:37Oh, thanks.
19:38Died on leg day.
19:39Like to think I retained some palm.
19:41This is Trevor, the Jewish fellow I was telling you about.
19:44Oh, her monotheistic religion as well.
19:46We worship Bruce.
19:47Yeah, he's a guy we met at a Cream concert, and now he's our one true god.
19:53The meteorite chose him.
19:55Wait a minute.
19:56Meteorite?
19:57Has anyone seen my glasses?
19:59Oh, wait.
20:00Never mind.
20:02Flower?
20:04Bruce.
20:05You know of him?
20:07Yeah.
20:08He was my cult leader.
20:09Babe, check it out.
20:11The G.E.K. 3000, the most powerful street-legal metal detector you can get.
20:17Okay, but why did you get this?
20:19It's for Bimini.
20:20All those white sandy beaches and drunk honeymooners.
20:22I find two wedding rings the trip is paid for.
20:24Oh, that's right.
20:25You guys are leaving for your big group trip to Bimini today.
20:27Were you just in the bathroom?
20:30Oh, yeah.
20:30Yeah.
20:31New thing I'm doing.
20:32You know, I was thinking about it.
20:33Hey, babe.
20:34It's got an injection-molded grip.
20:36Sorry, Pete's just explaining why he still uses the bathroom.
20:38Yeah, I'll hold for that.
20:40Yeah, back when I was alive, sure, going to the bathroom served a practical function,
20:43but it was also just a nice little break in the day.
20:45So you're just sitting in there?
20:48Yeah.
20:48You know, why let the fact that I can't metabolize food or produce feces keep me from enjoying
20:52a moment's peace?
20:53Sam, we got four new ghosts.
20:55It's Bruce and some old friends from my cult.
20:57Not a cult.
20:58A family.
20:59So, this is the living who can see ghosts?
21:02Yeah, and her husband.
21:03He's just a regular.
21:05Sam, you won't believe it.
21:06This thing can detect a coin up to 12 feet deep.
21:08Sorry, Jay.
21:09There's a bunch of new ghosts, one of whom is Flower's old cult leader, Bruce.
21:14Tough day to debut the metal detector.
21:16But where they all come from?
21:17Four been on property.
21:18Thousand years.
21:20Never seen.
21:21It was summer 1970.
21:23Our community was being unfairly targeted by the authorities, so we needed to go into
21:29hiding, and one of our members knew about an old bunker.
21:32A Cold War era fallout shelter where we'd be safe and secure forever.
21:35There was a carbon monoxide leak, and we all died on the first night.
21:38We Chosen Ones stayed behind, but most of the family ascended to the Great Asteroid
21:45Belt.
21:46Oh, I believe you said they went to Io, Jupiter's third largest moon?
21:50Right.
21:52Richard, on it as usual.
21:54Wait, you're saying there's a bunker full of dead bodies on the property?
21:57Seriously?
21:59Well, if they've been here since the 70s, this feels kind of like an after-bimini situation
22:03to deal with, so I'm going to go pack.
22:06Bruce, I can't believe you're back.
22:08We have so much to catch up on.
22:11I'm Thor.
22:13Boyfriend of Thor.
22:14Oh, well, nice to meet you, Thor.
22:17You know, we have a saying in the bunker, boyfriends come and go, but family is forever.
22:25Actually, I believe you said-
22:26I swear to God, Richard.
22:27I mean, peace and love, Brother Richard.
22:31So, what did you think of my friends?
22:34Oh, they seem great.
22:37Oh, good.
22:38Then with the formality of introductions behind us, our courtship can proceed with the intention
22:42of marriage.
22:43Wait, marriage?
22:44There she is.
22:46How yous doing?
22:47Is this the man I've been hearing so much about?
22:50Kitty.
22:51I'm sorry.
22:53Who's this?
22:54Oh, tis my truest friend of opera.
22:56We met in the dirt.
22:58Hey, legs, do you know your hoogies out?
22:59Oh.
23:01Are you from Philadelphia?
23:03Does a mummer take a leak on Two Street?
23:05South Philly girl.
23:06Born and raised.
23:08Wow.
23:09Ask if we want to go to the beach for dessert.
23:12You just want to go down the shore for some water ice?
23:14Oh, my God.
23:16You know, I once went down to the shore.
23:18A beautiful place to drown a witch.
23:22You led the surrender from Fort Ticonderoga?
23:26I read about that in high school, man.
23:28That's far out.
23:30Well, any surrender is the work of many hands, but I did sort of get the ball rolling on
23:34the whole giving up thing.
23:35Hey, it takes great courage to run away like that.
23:38You might even be family material.
23:40Oh, great.
23:41I hope you don't like sleeping with women.
23:43I don't.
23:44Hey, guys.
23:45Oh, hey, Isaac.
23:46I was just sitting here when they came in.
23:48Now we're hanging out.
23:49They think I'm cool.
23:53Flower, I can't believe our heavenly souls have been.
23:57But in fact, it is just as the meteorite predicted.
24:02All hail the meteorite, the source of all wisdom.
24:06Yeah, about that.
24:08When I was alive, you said that the meteorite predicted the world would end on February 13th,
24:142025.
24:15Exactly.
24:16But that date came and went, and the world didn't end.
24:19Right.
24:20Well, the thing about that is, when I received the math from the meteorite, I forgot to carry
24:29the one.
24:30So you're saying that the meteorite didn't give you a date that the world would end?
24:34It gave you an equation?
24:36That's right.
24:41Makes sense to me.
24:43Math is hard.
24:45You ready, babe?
24:46Karen and Libby are picking us up for the airport.
24:48They're going to be here any minute.
24:49Yep, I'm ready.
24:50Are you still bringing the metal detector?
24:52That depends.
24:53Do you want to be the most popular people on this group trip?
24:57He's got a point.
24:58Everybody wants to talk to the guy with the metal detector.
24:59It's a great icebreaker.
25:01Or use axe to break ice.
25:03I come with news.
25:05Flower has rejoined the cult.
25:07Oh, no.
25:08That's very bad.
25:10And more news.
25:11I also got in.
25:14Great, they're almost here.
25:15I'm going to get the bags.
25:16Jay, we might have to meet them at the airport.
25:19There's a bit of a ghost situation.
25:21Damn it.
25:22You know I got in on the first try?
25:24Bruce says not a lot of people get in on the first try.
25:28This is awful.
25:30Yeah, I thought Flower put all that cult stuff behind her.
25:33That car ride to the airport with Garrett and Libby was going to be prime bonding time.
25:37Oh, I see.
25:38He's upset about something much more trivial.
25:39It's about winning a group trip.
25:42The car ride bonding leads to the airport bonding.
25:44And by the time we're in Bimity, everyone else is on the outside looking in at us.
25:48I'm sorry, Jay.
25:48I'm just worried about Flower.
25:50It's okay.
25:51We still have the metal detector.
25:52We still have our ace in the hole.
25:54Hello.
25:54Is anyone worried about me?
25:56Because I also, as previously mentioned, got in.
25:59Congratulations, Isaac.
26:00Flower makes so much progress.
26:03Many say his things to Thor.
26:04Not for Thor to say.
26:06But now Thor, very worried for Flower.
26:09Well, go talk to her, big guy.
26:10If anyone can get through to her, it's you.
26:12Yeah.
26:14Thor good speaking.
26:18Oh, she's perfect.
26:20Instead of sandwich, she says hoagie.
26:22Instead of sprinkles, she says jimmies.
26:24So just break up with Patience and get with Barbara?
26:26Oh, sweet innocent sass.
26:27If only were that simple.
26:28You can't dump someone and then date their best friend.
26:30Well, I mean, over the course of one year, I dated four brothers.
26:33But the rules don't apply to me.
26:35I'm birdie.
26:36I got it.
26:37I have to get Patience to break up with me.
26:39Then I'm not the bad guy.
26:41The question is, how am I going to get Patience to break up with this?
26:43Mm, if only there was someone on the property who was an expert on getting dumped.
26:49Oh, come on.
26:51That's a little bit hyperbolic.
26:52Well, Joe never came back.
26:53And of course, the car ghost left you for Rose B.
26:57Yeah, that was tough.
26:59Okay, not that I'm the expert.
27:01But if you want Patience to break up with you,
27:04just figure out all the things that she likes about you
27:06and then just try to change those things.
27:07Well, I can't do anything about the chiseled jaw line.
27:09But she does seem really into my work ethic.
27:12Maybe there's something I can do there.
27:13Great.
27:14Sounds like a plan.
27:15Thank you, Sus.
27:17I stand on the shoulders of dumped giants.
27:19Glad I could help.
27:21It's so nice to have you back in the fold, Sister Flower.
27:25And just to be clear, she did not get in on her first try.
27:28Which is fine.
27:28I mean, not everybody does.
27:30Flower, can Thor speak with you?
27:33Oh, hey, Thor.
27:35I'm not sure that now is a good time.
27:37Actually, now is a perfect time.
27:39Flower had something she wanted to talk to you about, Flower.
27:44Flower, what's he talking about?
27:46Let's talk in private.
27:47I'm afraid you're not going to like it.
27:53What about him?
27:54Did he get in on the first try?
27:56What happened?
27:57I'm going to break up with Orphan.
27:59No, you big oaf.
28:01I'm going to destroy the cult from the inside.
28:05What do you mean?
28:06Seeing all of my old friends still falling for Bruce's lies.
28:09It's just, it's too much for me to bear.
28:12So, I'm gaining their trust.
28:14And then I'm going to expose Bruce for the fraud that he is.
28:17Yes, use deception to destroy enemy.
28:20It's like time I tell Danish Chief I want to discuss treaty,
28:23but instead use acts to kill him from the entire family.
28:27Uh, yeah.
28:28Yeah, sort of the same thing.
28:30How can you help?
28:32You can't.
28:33This is something I have to do on my own.
28:35Now, scream like I just broke up with you,
28:37and then storm out of here.
28:49What trouble is he?
28:51Just wallowing in self-pity.
28:54I got fired from my job.
28:57Oh, dear.
28:58Well, I am certain you will soon find another firm in need of a moneylender.
29:02No, not interested.
29:05I'm thinking about getting into sloth.
29:07Maybe become a layabout.
29:10So, if you want to get off the T-train,
29:13I completely understand.
29:15Oh, my beloved.
29:18The T-train is a locomotive from which I shall never disembark.
29:22What?
29:22You're not going to break up with me?
29:25I'm the first sign of trouble.
29:26Heavens, no.
29:28Loyalty is the most divine of virtues.
29:31But why would you want to be loyal to me, a lazy do-nothing man?
29:35Now, you listen here.
29:36Trevor, you are an ingenious and resourceful man with hearty quads and a supple buttock.
29:41You will find your way.
29:44I believe in you, Trevor.
29:47Really?
29:51That's, uh...
29:52That's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.
29:57Patience.
29:58Patience.
30:01Bruce, why are we welcoming Sister Flower back into the family?
30:04Yeah, I thought you hated Flower.
30:05Isn't she the reason we had to go into hiding in the first place?
30:07Guys, guys, let's not gang up on Bruce.
30:10I'm sure he has his reasons.
30:11Thank you, Richard.
30:12I do have my reasons.
30:13It's true.
30:15Flower betrayed us.
30:17So, we will welcome her into our warm embrace, and then we will take our revenge.
30:26Applause.
30:28She's good.
30:34Hey there, Trevor.
30:35What are you doing?
30:36I wanted to see how you're doing.
30:40So, how you doing?
30:42Whoa.
30:44I thought you were Patience's friend.
30:46She's all right.
30:47A little creepy.
30:48Now, are we doing this or what?
30:51I, uh, I don't know.
30:55Come on.
30:57I thought you liked the way I talked.
31:01Wawa Schuylkill Cheese Steak with Wiss.
31:08No, no.
31:09I can't do this.
31:11What?
31:12Barbara, you may be a stone-cold ten, and your dialect is pure, uncut sex appeal.
31:20But, Patience is loyal, and you're not.
31:28And, oh, I think I'm into Patience.
31:32Wow.
31:33Well, you know what?
31:34You're a freaking loser.
31:36You're a freaking loser than all the pirate fans put together.
31:38Go, Phils.
31:41I just overheard something crazy.
31:43Those lunatics are trying to make flour on the old dirt weasel.
31:45Wait, wait, wait, wait, Peter, slow down.
31:46What are you saying?
31:47I was going to the bathroom, and I was just about to pretend to flush when I heard the cult
31:50start talking about their plan to lure flour to the bunker and push her into the dirt.
31:55Oh, I can't believe this.
31:56They're making secret revenge plans without me.
31:58Oh, there's always another velvet rope behind the velvet rope.
32:01Pete is saying that Bruce has an evil plan to seek revenge on flour.
32:04What did flour do?
32:05Apparently, after she left the cult, she blabbed to some undercover cop at Woodstock about their whereabouts, and that's why
32:11they had to go into hiding.
32:12So they blame flour for their death.
32:14So flour basically killed 20 people.
32:17That's pretty hard.
32:18Flour told a cop about the cult, which caused them to go into hiding, and now they're going to take
32:21her back to the bunker and push her into the dirt.
32:23Oh, no.
32:25Although, if I recall, the last time flour was in mortal danger, the ghosts kind of handled it on their
32:30own, and I bet it was kind of empowering for them.
32:32We need to tell flour!
32:33To the TV room to stop them!
32:35Yes, and to get to the bottom of why they didn't include me in their plotting, but mainly the stopping
32:39thing!
32:40Oh!
32:41What did you do to Patience?
32:42What are you talking about?
32:43She said she walked in on you hooking up with Barbara.
32:45What?
32:46No, I rejected Barbara.
32:48It almost killed me, but I did it.
32:49Well, whatever happened, she seemed pretty upset.
32:52She said she never wants to talk to you again, then she yelled her name three times and ran into
32:55the dirt.
32:56No!
32:56They're gone!
32:58Have you guys seen flour or the cult?
33:00I think they went back to the bunker.
33:01What?
33:01All of them?
33:02But how could they go without mail number 51?
33:05That's me!
33:06Oh no, Jay, they went back to the bunker.
33:08But it's okay, Patience can lead us there.
33:10Yeah, unfortunately, Patience is mad at Trevor, so she went back into the dirt, and it doesn't seem like she's
33:15going to be coming back anytime soon.
33:16Ah, a Puritan scorned!
33:17If we don't get to the bunker soon, flour will be lost to us forever.
33:21But we don't know where the entrance to the bunker is, and I don't know how we're going to find
33:25it.
33:25That hasn't been opened in 60 years, it's probably completely grown over with grass.
33:29Huh.
33:29If only there was someone with the right equipment and the know-how to find metal in the ground.
33:34Oh, wait.
33:35Boop, boop, boop.
33:38I think I found our guy.
33:40How'd that work?
33:41Jay, you know this means we'll miss our flight to Bimini.
33:43With great power comes great responsibility.
33:45Our invisible hippie friend is in the ground, and we're going to go get her, because my wife fell down
33:50some stairs five years ago.
33:53Whoa, cool bunker.
33:55Flower, we have some unfortunate news we need to discuss with you.
33:59You're not actually here for a 60th anniversary cult orgy.
34:04Oh.
34:05We brought you here to punish you for betraying us.
34:09What?
34:10We know that you ratted us out to a cop at Woodstock.
34:14I mean, I did talk about you guys, but I don't recall any cop.
34:18And I was just saying all the nice things about the orgies and the drugs and how smart you were
34:22with the tax evasion.
34:24Oh, wait.
34:25Now I see.
34:26Okay.
34:26Sister Flower, for your betrayal, you are hereby sentenced to an eternity in the dirt.
34:33Husbands, your ban on touching women is temporarily lifted.
34:37Now push her through the wall.
34:39No, no, no, no, wait.
34:40Wait.
34:42What is that?
34:43The GK 3000 to the rescue.
34:47Flower, we're here for you.
34:50We made it in time.
34:51Flower's here.
34:52Back off, hippie scum.
34:53Whoa.
34:53If we could get cable down here, this would be a literal man cave.
34:57So was everyone told about the dirting?
35:00I'm not saying I support it, but as someone who famously got into the cult on the first try,
35:04I would have loved to have at least been looped in.
35:06Flower, let's get you out of here.
35:08Wait.
35:08I can't leave yet.
35:09I came here to expose Bruce as a fraud and free all of my old friends from his grasp.
35:15What's this world talking about?
35:17Bruce preys on your desire for community and family.
35:20But real families aren't bound by manipulation and control.
35:24Real families are bound together by love.
35:27She's crazy.
35:28And anyone who dares listen to her will never again get a nibble of my carrot.
35:33Like these guys could have left me here to get pushed into the dirt, but they didn't.
35:36Would Bruce do the same for any of you?
35:41Oh, I'm getting a new prophecy.
35:45The meteorite says a great betrayer will return to sow seeds of doubt?
35:51Hold on.
35:52That could be flower.
35:53Interesting.
35:54Good point, Richard.
35:56Meteorite?
35:57What is he talking about?
35:58That is a hide-a-key.
35:59You know one of those fake rock things that you put a spare key inside of?
36:02We had one outside for Jerry to...
36:04Oh, damn it.
36:05No, no, no, no, no.
36:07This is from space.
36:08If that's on his ghost person, then the actual hide-a-key, which would prove that Bruce is
36:13a fraud, is on his dead body.
36:15Oh, no.
36:16All our dead bodies are in the other room, through that door.
36:18The bodies are in that room, Jay.
36:20Bruce died wearing a little satchel, so the hide-a-key is probably inside that.
36:24Oh, fine.
36:25Come on it.
36:26You should be sipping Mai Tais in the Delta Lounge.
36:30This is ridiculous.
36:31Why must the outside world intrude on our affairs?
36:34Oh, my God, Sam, I'm going to throw a lock.
36:36Why are they afraid of our happiness and secret knowledge?
36:41Okay, I got it, but I'm picking the next 50 movies for movie night.
36:46Made in Taiwan.
36:48I believe Taiwan is actually the third moon of Saturn.
36:53Can it, Bruce?
36:54Huh.
36:55And a Volkswagen key.
36:56Oh, yeah, that's hard to defend.
36:59Okay, well, sorry, folks.
37:02Colt's over.
37:03Honestly, it's a bit of a weight off.
37:05My name's Jason, and I couldn't get a girlfriend.
37:08Jason and Bruce feels a bit lateral.
37:10You know we have to dirt you now, right?
37:13Ooh, I'd rather you didn't.
37:16So let's know, okay?
37:18Well, my work here is done.
37:20Nice seeing everyone.
37:22So you found the deceased and then waited a week to get in touch with my office.
37:27What's happening here?
37:28Oh, Sam and Jay are trying to explain to the coroner why they went on vacation after finding
37:32a pile of dead bodies.
37:33How's that going?
37:34Marvin, are you familiar with the concept of island time?
37:38Oh, well, look, you guys are my best customers by a wide margin, so I'm going to let it slide
37:43this time.
37:44It's not great that you're on these kind of terms with the coroner.
37:47So, uh, how was Bimini?
37:49It was good.
37:50I mean, we had to take a later flight than everybody else, so we missed the whole first
37:54night, you know, welcoming drinks and the opening ceremony for the scavenger hunt.
37:58Yeah, there were a lot of inside jokes that we didn't get, so we were kind of playing catch-up
38:02the whole week.
38:03Oh, yeah, that sounds tough.
38:05Well, I'm going to start tagging the bodies.
38:08Well, at least you got to attend.
38:10And it seems like you may be on the short list for Marvin's Christmas party this year.
38:15Well, this is good.
38:16I'm not seeing anything in the local news about all the bodies we found in the bunker.
38:20That's one advantage to being on a first-name basis with the county coroner.
38:23Sounds like you guys successfully buried the bodies.
38:26Please repeat that for Jay, give me credit.
38:28Oh, this is a relief.
38:29We can't have news like that leaking on today of all days.
38:33Woodstone is being considered for inclusion on a prestigious list of top small hotels and
38:38B&Bs.
38:38The guy from the list is coming to check us out today.
38:41It's very important this goes well, so please no ghost shenanigans.
38:45I mean it.
38:47Oh, hello.
38:49You must be a cult ghost.
38:51They keep coming over from the bunker.
38:52We're sort of a cult ghost tourist attraction now.
38:54This feels very shenanigan adjacent.
38:57Nice to meet you.
38:58I'm Eugene, a fellow survivor.
39:01Have you also found it difficult to acclimate to the outside world?
39:04Isaac, you were in the cult for like four hours.
39:06All of them harrowing.
39:08Wait a second.
39:09Are you Eugene Woodstone?
39:11I am Henry Woodstone, your ancestor.
39:13And I built this house.
39:14You know him?
39:14Yee, he lived here for several months in the late 1960s.
39:18My parents shipped me up here so I wouldn't embarrass them at their precious garden parties.
39:22I was sort of the black sheep of the family.
39:25I'll say rumor has it this poor fellow was cursed with the infamous Woodstone tail.
39:29It's just a small bump at the base of the spine.
39:31It's...
39:32Fascinating.
39:33Does it wag when you're happy?
39:34I don't really want to talk about it.
39:36I'm Samantha, also a Woodstone.
39:39I'm unafflicted, not that it's important.
39:41What is going on?
39:42The cult ghost is also a distant relative.
39:45Oh, is he the reason that the cult was in our bunker?
39:47Yeah, I thought they liked me for my personality, but in retrospect,
39:50they just liked me because I had access to a bunker.
39:53Nailed it, Jay.
39:54Well, that sounds like quite the tale.
39:58I think he means T-A-L-E.
40:01He can't hear us.
40:02We don't have to dwell on it.
40:03Had these come to shower, I touched up the paint in the maple suite,
40:07and I folded the toilet paper into those fancy little triangles.
40:11Now, I just need to take a load off.
40:15Oh, that's nice.
40:16I think we need to lose the recliner.
40:18What do you mean?
40:19Well, it's just not in line with the rest of the decor, is it?
40:22Agreed.
40:23Stick out like Chair Frazier's father on TV program, Frazier.
40:26I'm not familiar with that program.
40:28We didn't have a working TV in the bunker,
40:30so I would do a lot of magic for the cults.
40:32Oh, that's right.
40:33You were an aspiring magician.
40:35I recall your parents whispering shamefully.
40:37I didn't have my cups or rings, so I did a lot of thumb magic.
40:42Buy out in your thumb.
40:45He's a warlock.
40:47Uh, Jay, Hedy was pointing out that the recliner doesn't go with the rest of the room,
40:51and honestly, I kind of agree with her.
40:54I mean, with the list guy coming, why risk it?
40:56You got this for me as a gift.
40:58You remember when I almost got dragged to hell and you got this for me so I would feel better?
41:01Right, so how about we just move it into another room, somewhere less public?
41:05Can't move into Thorfinn's room.
41:07Oh, that's nice.
41:08Thor's offering to take it.
41:09There'll be one new place for Thor and Flauta, Thorgate.
41:13And that's all he said.
41:14Fine, if it'll help us with the list.
41:16Speaking of which, I've been emailing with some other B&Bs,
41:19and they're telling me this guy expects us to grease his palm.
41:21Like a bribe?
41:22Like a very nice welcome gift.
41:24So I did some insta-stalking, and turns out he's really into antiques.
41:27Well, that's great.
41:28We have a ton of old crap around here.
41:30Uh-uh.
41:31I mean, exquisite heirlooms.
41:33Hey, Thor, I think there's something behind your ear.
41:36Oh, it's my thumb.
41:38Ha-ha.
41:39You are most impressive sorcerer.
41:42Yet you could never conjure a job or a wife.
41:45Abracadabra!
41:46I think not.
41:49So, what do you think?
41:51Isn't that Jay's recliner?
41:54Yeah, Sam gave to Jay to demonstrate her eternal love.
41:57But then get rid of her for some minor decorating concerns.
42:00So now we are lucky recipients.
42:03Wow.
42:04Oh, thanks, Thor.
42:06Uh, it's just, um, I can't have this in my room.
42:10It's made of leather.
42:12So?
42:13So they killed a cow to make that.
42:15That cow could have had a family.
42:16A mom.
42:17A dad.
42:18Maybe a secret lover.
42:20Yes, but the chair very comfy, so we keep him.
42:24Thor, you're not listening to me.
42:26I'm telling you, I don't want the chair.
42:28And Thor telling you, we keeping it.
42:30Thor not care that chair was once unfaithful cow.
42:33Fine, Thor.
42:35Keep the stupid chair.
42:37Now, on the other subject, can you check Thor's ear for strange thumbs?
42:42Don't think Thor might have a problem.
42:45Well, this guy's pulling up.
42:47Did you settle on something to give him?
42:48No, Hedy was being impossible.
42:50She was claiming some sentimental attachment to every item in the house.
42:53Okay, well, is she in here right now?
42:55No.
42:55Alberta made up a lie to get her to the restaurant.
42:57Great.
42:57Well, then just pick anything.
42:58How about that paperweight?
42:59Oh, no.
43:00Apparently that was Hedy's correcting paperweight that she would sometimes throw at the butler's.
43:04Yeah, I can see how that could be a very special keepsake for her.
43:06What about that box?
43:07It's pretty.
43:11Yeah, this is nice.
43:12Fine, let's just do it.
43:14But what if it's important to Hedy?
43:15Better to beg forgiveness than ask permission.
43:17That's what Ben Franklin said before polishing off the entire Christmas goose.
43:21Ah.
43:22Hello, I'm Paul from Boutique Hotels of the World.
43:24Hi, Paul.
43:25I'm Samantha.
43:26This is my husband, Jay.
43:27Welcome to Woodstone.
43:28The judging begins with your handshake.
43:32Adequate.
43:33He's persnickety and overly formal.
43:35I like a very interesting older property you have here.
43:38That's a nice way of calling it a dump.
43:40Give him the gift, Sammy.
43:41Grease that palm.
43:42We have a welcome gift for you.
43:44It's this box.
43:47This is exquisite.
43:49What a rare find.
43:50An early 19th century parlor box with steeple tip hinges.
43:55Oh, that was a waste of time.
43:57And Alberta thought she saw Colin Farrell at Mahesh.
44:00In my defense, as a celebrity, I have celebrity blindness.
44:02Well, you must be exhausted after your travels.
44:04Yeah, let me show you to your room.
44:06Is that the list fellow?
44:08Why is he holding my parlor box?
44:09You didn't give him that as a welcome gift, did you?
44:11Yes, I did.
44:12And just deal with it.
44:13You really should have asked me first.
44:15Why?
44:15You would have just said no.
44:16Yes, I would have.
44:18Because it has a false bottom full of cocaine.
44:21What?
44:21That's right.
44:22Peru's finest.
44:24So unless the purity of your narcotics is one of the list categories on which you're
44:28being judged, I suggest you get that box back.
44:34Why was there cocaine in the box?
44:36Because it was my box, and I love cocaine.
44:39Can't argue with that explanation.
44:40Plus, that was in here this whole time.
44:41I was searching for it frantically when I possessed your husband.
44:44I was going to return him to you with a hole in a septum the size of Rhode Island.
44:47Hey, babe.
44:49This is going so well.
44:50He thinks the room is super cute.
44:52He loved the folded toilet paper.
44:54Jay, the box we gave him has a false bottom that's full of cocaine.
44:57Damn it, Ghost.
44:58That falls squarely in the shenanigans zone.
45:01Shenanigans zone.
45:02I used to take Laura there when she was a little girl.
45:04Great pizza.
45:05Maybe this isn't a problem.
45:06Maybe this guy loves drugs.
45:08This is really bad.
45:09Even if he doesn't find it, he could get busted when he goes through security at the
45:13airport.
45:14We're not going to get on the list if Paul's in jail, Sam.
45:17Why don't you just ask for the box back?
45:18We can take it back.
45:20He loves it.
45:20Plus, if you ask for it back now, it's just going to seem like you heard him say how valuable
45:24it was and that you wanted to keep it for yourselves.
45:26I'm sorry I suggested that box.
45:28Another typical Eugene screw-up.
45:31Stupid Eugene.
45:32Look, this ain't that hard.
45:33You just got to wait for him to leave the room, find the box, empty out the drugs, and
45:36then put the box back.
45:37I've done this a million times.
45:39Albert is saying we should sneak into the room, take the box, and get rid of the drugs.
45:42All I'm hearing are shenanigans, shenanigans, shenanigans.
45:45One seat at every table had a whoopee cushion.
45:48Shenanigans.
45:50Oh, can we watch that murder show again?
45:52I just want to watch whatever Thor wants to watch.
45:55He's a big, strong man, and he makes all my decisions for me.
45:58What now?
45:59I'm sorry, is everything okay between you two?
46:01Flower a little upset because I put foot down and decided to keep chair and room despite
46:05being made from promiscuous cow.
46:08Okay, hold on.
46:09I don't mean to bud in, but it sounds like maybe you guys are having some problems communicating?
46:13You know, I'd be happy to help.
46:14I was a travel agent.
46:17So?
46:18So?
46:18Being a travel agent is basically like being a couples counselor.
46:21One person wants to go to Fiji, the other person wants to go to Paris.
46:24Well, it was my job to help them find common ground and steer them toward Orlando.
46:28You can't beat it.
46:30God, that place is the best.
46:33You missed a spot.
46:34Oh, I'm just pretending.
46:35I'm waiting for Paul to leave so I can get into his room.
46:38Seems just as easy to actually dust as it is to pretend to dust.
46:41Can you not right now?
46:43Okay.
46:44He just left to go on a walk.
46:45Isaac, let us know if he comes back.
46:48Will do.
46:49I was the captain.
46:50I think I can handle a simple lookout.
46:52Hey, man.
46:53Hello, Eugene.
46:54I can't be bothered right now.
46:55I'm carrying out a very important mission.
46:57That's cool.
46:59Crazy about the cult, huh?
47:02Indeed.
47:02I heard you got in on the first try.
47:06Really?
47:07You heard about that?
47:08Yeah, you're like the talk of the cult.
47:10How did you do it, by the way?
47:12It's like unheard of.
47:13Oh, well, you see, Eugene, it's all about confidence.
47:17And when confidence meets competence, well, then you get something very special.
47:23Now, press on this part with your thumb to release the false bottom.
47:27I got it.
47:28Now, do a little and describe it to me.
47:31Slowly.
47:32Sam!
47:33He's coming!
47:33He came back early.
47:34No!
47:36No!
47:43Under the bed!
47:44That's what you chose?
47:45Sam, you work here.
47:47You could have been changing towels or re-triangling the toilet paper.
47:51Oh, and now we're sitting down to read a book.
47:53Boy, are you in a big mess.
47:57Thank you for agreeing to do couples therapy with a licensed travel agent.
48:01I think you've made a very wise decision.
48:03Do travel agents need licenses?
48:05They do not, but I made one for myself.
48:07Laminated it and everything.
48:09Now, Flower, you were saying you didn't like how Thor handled this disagreement.
48:14Yeah, he was just so stubborn about it.
48:17All you mean it is, like battle.
48:19It must be won.
48:20At all costs.
48:22It is actually very similar to disagreement Thor have long ago with Viking wife Olga.
48:28Olga!
48:29I have returned from Battle of the Tories.
48:31Oh, Thor.
48:32How I've missed you.
48:34Oh, Thor will think about you all the time.
48:38In fact, Thor will bring you back a souvenir from Denmark.
48:42This Dane head will look perfect on being Tyrone together.
48:52So you're saying she didn't want to hang a severed head in your living room?
48:56Yeah.
48:56Olga want Thor to put head in fish room when no one sees.
49:00But Thor get his way.
49:01Thor not back down.
49:02Thor win.
49:04Argument.
49:05Like battle.
49:06You see.
49:06The only thing I see is that you're making the exact same mistakes in our relationship as you made with
49:11Olga a thousand years ago.
49:13No, I'm not.
49:14Yes, you are.
49:15No!
49:16Whatever.
49:17This is pointless.
49:20No, it's not!
49:23And just like that.
49:26At one.
49:28Right.
49:30I was going to take a walk, but it looked like rain.
49:32Don't panic, Samantha.
49:34This conversation sounds like it's winding down, after which point he'll surely leave.
49:37Oh, no.
49:38Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
49:41Tell me everything.
49:43I give a volt.
49:44Where's Jay already?
49:45I thought you texted Jay.
49:48Hey, Paul.
49:49Oh, I'll call you right back.
49:51And here is Jay, armed with what I am sure is a cat-miss gambit.
49:54You want to see a lizard on the porch?
49:56I'm deathly allergic to lizards.
49:59But thank you for the warning.
50:00I'll stay right here.
50:01Come on, Jay.
50:02Actually, why don't you come down to the restaurant?
50:04I made some hors d'oeuvres special for you.
50:07Um, yeah, thank you.
50:08That sounds very nice.
50:10Let me just change into my loafers.
50:12Now, where are my loafers?
50:15Ah.
50:16Oh, he's going to look under the bed.
50:17Oh, damn it, Samantha.
50:19If you had partook, you would have at least be high in the kite right now.
50:22Sam!
50:23Here he comes.
50:24What the hell?
50:26Here's your loafers.
50:29Samantha?
50:30Hi.
50:31Hi.
50:33Hi.
50:34Eventually, she's going to have to say something other than hi.
50:37He got by me.
50:37I don't know how.
50:39So, it's a funny story.
50:40I was just coming in here to change the sheets, and I lost a contact lens, which I could have
50:45sworn rolled under the bed.
50:47You know, I've seen a lot of innkeepers try a lot of different things to gain an advantage.
50:53Hidden cameras listening at the door, but hiding under a bed?
50:57No, it's nothing like that.
50:58I just, I have narcolepsy.
51:00I fell asleep.
51:02Well, that settles that.
51:03Paul, would you like to see our magical creek?
51:05My cousin has narcolepsy.
51:07What do you take for it?
51:08Oh, no.
51:09He's testing you, Samantha.
51:10Tread carefully.
51:12There is no medication for narcolepsy.
51:16There are several.
51:17Right.
51:18Listen, I don't know what you two are up to, but I've seen enough to know that Woodstone
51:21B&B is nowhere near worthy of my list.
51:25Please leave my room.
51:26Sorry.
51:28I rode a narcoleptic horse once.
51:30It was a short ride.
51:32Let me ask you something, Thor.
51:34After you won this argument with Olga about the Dane's head, was anything different between
51:39you two?
51:39Now that you mention it, maybe there are a few things.
51:43Olga really not want to hang out in that room.
51:46She not want to watch fire with Thor anymore.
51:50Made Thor very lonely.
51:52That's tough.
51:53Thor, are you familiar with the concept of a Pyrrhic victory?
51:57I think you know the answer to that.
51:59Well, it was named after a king who won a battle, but he lost so many men in the process
52:04that he realized it may not have been worth it, and in the end, he lost the war.
52:08Oh, so sometimes someone can win battle of argument, but lose war of relationship?
52:18Not exactly how I would put it, but yeah, it seems like you're getting the general concept.
52:22Yes!
52:23Thor in therapy!
52:25Sure.
52:26I can't believe this.
52:28We screwed up so bad.
52:30Babe, we can't beat ourselves up.
52:32Who would have guessed that there would have been a bunch of cocaine in an old wooden box?
52:37Yes.
52:39Who indeed?
52:40Oh, wait.
52:41Me.
52:42What are you talking about?
52:43Pretty ironic, huh?
52:44The so-called screw-up of the family flawlessly executes the revenge plan?
52:48I was the one who suggested the box in the first place, which I knew from family lore is
52:53where Hedy Woodstone kept her stash.
52:56Using cocaine for nefarious purposes?
52:58How dare you?
52:59Then I intentionally distracted Isaac so that Paul would catch you in his room.
53:04That is no way to treat a cult brother.
53:06Is it because I got in on the first try?
53:08Is it jealousy?
53:09I don't understand.
53:10Why would you do this?
53:12Because I hate the Woodstones.
53:15This family treated me like a freak just because I was different.
53:19Hey, how do you feel about tacos tonight?
53:21Shh.
53:21I think Eugene is doing his villain origin story, but yeah, tacos do sound good.
53:25I never fit in.
53:27I marched to the beat of my own drum.
53:29I told my parents I wanted to go to magic school.
53:32Is that a real thing?
53:34I don't know, but I want to stuff this guy in a locker.
53:36But my parents forced me to go to a fancy college.
53:38I couldn't keep up.
53:39Eventually, when I flunked out, they told me I didn't deserve the Woodstone name.
53:45Eugene, I just have one thing to say to you after all of this.
53:49I'm sorry.
53:51What?
53:52For generations, we Woodstones have spent too much time concealing anything that made
53:57us seem less than perfect.
54:00I've spent a century hiding my son's crimes and also the nature of my own demise.
54:06And it only ever led to isolation and loneliness.
54:10So I say no more.
54:12Yes!
54:12They got the poblano tonight.
54:13Shame is a problem that is passed down in families, not unlike the Woodstone tale.
54:20And the only cure for shame is sunlight, which unfortunately is not a cure for the Woodstone
54:25tale.
54:26They tried that.
54:28Thank you for saying that, Hedy.
54:31I agree with Hedy.
54:32I don't condone your actions, but I do understand them now.
54:37And I think I have an idea.
54:39Oh!
54:39Is it to see if you can hang a coat on it?
54:42On what?
54:45Come on.
54:48Paul, we need to talk to you.
54:49Thank you, but I'm not interested in hearing any more fabrications.
54:53That's just it.
54:54I was lying to you.
54:56I snuck into your room to steal back the box we gave you because it's full of cocaine.
55:01Excuse me?
55:02Girl, what are you doing?
55:04We didn't realize there were drugs in it when we gave it to you.
55:07But the truth is, an antique box full of 19th century narcotics perfectly epitomizes this
55:12family.
55:12I've been so preoccupied trying to paint a rosy picture.
55:16This property's history is so much messier and so much more interesting.
55:20Like Hedy, the woman who owned that box?
55:22Her son murdered a jazz singer right inside this house.
55:26And Hedy's husband?
55:27He was this brutal robber baron who died before he could be held accountable for his sins.
55:31He suffocated in a secret vault in the basement.
55:34And he was riddled with syphilis.
55:36Add that, please.
55:37Right out there on the lawn, an innocent cuckold was shot through the neck by a 10-year-old
55:41girl.
55:42Okay.
55:43I guess it's just nice to be included.
55:44This mansion's history is full of bootlegging and murder and war and...
55:49Syphilis.
55:50Syphilis.
55:51Because the point is that I was so worried the Woodstone's flaws would stop us from being
55:56on the list.
55:56But honestly, I think you should put us on it because of them.
56:01Well, what do you think, Paul?
56:05You're telling me this box is full of cocaine?
56:08Uh, yeah.
56:09Can I keep it?
56:11Excuse me?
56:12If I can keep it, you make the list.
56:15There it is.
56:16There's a little bit of Woodstone in all of this.
56:19It's yours.
56:19Great.
56:21We'll be in touch.
56:22Congratulations.
56:23Oh, thank you.
56:25Didn't go how I expected it to go, but it'll make a hell of a tale.
56:30Come on, man!
56:33What are we watching?
56:34Oh, house hunters.
56:35No, I mean, what is that thing?
56:38That's a television, sweetie.
56:39Oh, right on.
56:41Thou, do you have moments?
56:44What do you want, Thor?
56:45Thor want to talk to you about argument we had earlier.
56:49If Flower not want chair in our room, then we can get rid of chair, because relationship
56:54are about compromise.
56:56And compromise mean doing what women want.
56:59Really, Thor?
57:00Do you mean that?
57:02Thor may be oldest ghost, but sometimes slowest to learn lesson.
57:06But if Flower willing to be patient, Thor will make effort.
57:12Because Flower worth it.
57:14Well, you're worth it, too, big guy.
57:19Lovemaking is imminent!
57:21But they about to pick the house!
57:23Can y'all just go into a different room?
57:25No.
57:25Too late.
57:26Process has already started.
57:28Sorry.
57:29You're welcome to watch.
57:29Join in.
57:30Cheering is appreciated.
57:32I'm going.
57:32I'm going.
57:34Let me know what happens.
57:35Well, first, Thor is going...
57:36No, I meant the show!
57:38God darn you freaks!