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00:01It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:15Lucky is a family guy. Lucky is a man who constantly can do all the things that make us laugh
00:24and cry.
00:26He's a family guy.
00:36My apologies, Mr. Griffin. Dr. Hartman is still with a patient and definitely not playing rock band through the paper
00:42-thin walls of his office right now.
00:45Well, I'm here to remind you of the mess.
00:50Watch out for the plug. Watch out for the plug. Oh, you dope.
00:55Sorry, I was with a very sick patient.
00:57You're still wearing the guitar.
00:59Oops, my bad. Let's keep that off the Yelp, huh?
01:02So, you're here for a physical. I'll start with a few questions. How many drinks would you say you have
01:07per week?
01:08Four.
01:08Oh.
01:09Hundred.
01:09Oh.
01:10Fifty.
01:10Okay, you need to talk faster. Now, I'm going to show you a list of the top ten songs on
01:14Spotify.
01:15Tell me how many of these artists or songs you recognize.
01:18None.
01:19Oh, wait, I know her.
01:20I do, uh, do, uh, Duolingo.
01:23Not sure we can accept that. Let's go to the Gen Z judge who's always sad about stuff he just
01:28saw on social media.
01:29Do you even realize how much water it takes to grow a single almond?
01:33Well, he's busy being sad about almonds.
01:36However, I can say that given your age and embarrassing lack of pop culture knowledge, it's time I schedule you
01:41for your first colonoscopy.
01:43What the hell is that?
01:44Here's a video of a plumber from Southie describing the whole thing.
01:47So they snake this freaking camera in your caboose.
01:50Look, I know it sounds gay, but it ain't. It's a real medical procedure.
01:53It's not gay.
01:54You ever had one?
01:55Nah, what am I, gay?
02:01What's all that stuff?
02:02Oh, just some forms. We're going on a field trip to the animal shelter and I need mom to chaperone.
02:07You need a chaperone for a trip to the animal shelter and you're not asking me?
02:10Why? So you can taunt all the German shepherds behind bars?
02:14I wouldn't do that.
02:16Yeah? Then why is your tail wagging?
02:18Damn.
02:19Look, all I'm saying is I could provide hope to those dogs in there who've given up by telling them
02:24my story.
02:24A story of inspiration.
02:26A story of will.
02:27A story of triumph.
02:29You were picked up on the side of the road like a runaway hooker.
02:32A story of doing hand stuff for drugs.
02:39I've been putting off my colonoscopy for months now.
02:42Yep. My barber said I'm overdue for mine.
02:45You mean your doctor?
02:46Nope. Barber.
02:47Black guys get their medical advice from their barbers and their haircut advice from their doctors.
02:52We're all just one guy off.
02:54Boy, what happened to the days when men just ignored months of bloody toilet water
02:58and slowly withered away to die a costly and unnecessary death?
03:02You know, maybe the reason we've been putting this off is because deep down we're scared.
03:06And maybe we'll feel better if we just talk about what we're scared of.
03:09All right, I'll go first.
03:10I'm mostly scared of someone seeing my gigantic butt and tiny wiener.
03:15That's what I'm scared of, too.
03:16What if there was a way to make the colonoscopy process less scary?
03:20Like, what if we rented a cabin and did the prep night together so we could be there to support
03:24one another?
03:25That would make it easier.
03:27Yeah, I'd do it.
03:28I'd be into that.
03:29Great. Cleveland?
03:30Yeah, Devante said it's cool.
03:32I'm assuming Devante is your, uh...
03:33Devante is my barber, yes.
03:38Hi, kids. I'm Sophie.
03:40Welcome to the animal shelter where the pit bull to lesbian volunteer ratio is always one to one.
03:46So let's meet some...
03:47Hi, Sophie. Brian Griffin, dog who's also pretty much a guy.
03:50I'll take it from here.
03:51Fellow canines, my name is Brian Griffin.
03:54And before I tell you my story, I want to hear yours.
03:57Now, how many of you were returned by Lena Dunham or Ellen DeGeneres?
04:02Well, I'm here to say that no matter how pathetic that bitch Sarah McLachlan is making you all look in
04:07those commercials,
04:08there is hope.
04:09And I am living proof of that.
04:11Everyone moved on to the cat section three seconds into whatever that was.
04:14Wait, they have cats here?
04:15Oh, I will not be around cats.
04:18It's an animal shelter. They've got everything.
04:19They even have Diddy's pit bull.
04:21Just let me outside. I'll play in the yard.
04:24I won't look. I won't tell nobody nothing.
04:29Come on, Brian.
04:30Even you have to admit these guys are pretty cute.
04:33Now, cats are terrible, selfish creatures.
04:35I mean, who poops inside?
04:38Oh, my God. Get her off. Get her off. Get her off.
04:46Huh. I guess that is kind of cute.
04:49You know, maybe I was wrong about cats.
04:51Okay, kids. It's time to see where we keep all the Rob Schneiders.
04:55Boy, everyone thinks they're ready for a Rob Schneider until they get one home.
04:59Come on, Brian. We got to go.
05:01All right, let me just take this guy off my...
05:09What are you doing? You're going to kill him.
05:10Drop it. Drop it now.
05:15What happened? I blacked out.
05:16You killed a kitten, you monster.
05:19I told you it was a bad idea for me to be in here.
05:21And we're going to be in so much trouble.
05:23All right, listen. We can't just leave the dead kitten in here.
05:26Okay, let me think.
05:26Well, there's got to be a dumpster out back. We could just put it in there.
05:29I don't think we have another choice.
05:31You could always cover yourself in drugged baby oil and wake up back at home.
05:35I thought you said you were going to keep your mouth shut.
05:41Okay, our colonoscopies are tomorrow morning.
05:44So I'm going to go mix up some tasty colonoscopy prep cocktails.
05:47I made a killer diarrhea playlist.
05:50Boy, you guys are going to lose it when we're five hours in
05:52and Natalie Imbruglia's torn comes on.
05:55You got Diana Ross's I'm Coming Out on there?
05:57This isn't my first diarrhea playlist, okay, pal?
06:01Gentlemen, say hello to my signature colonoscopy prep cocktails.
06:05Joe, here's your bum and coke.
06:07Peter, you get a pina colonata.
06:09And Cleveland gets a gin and deuce.
06:11Laid back.
06:13And I made myself a coiler maker.
06:15Bottoms up.
06:15And then in 45 minutes, bottoms very much down.
06:25Now, I assume that a single room cabin in the woods has four bathrooms?
06:29Well, technically it has one three-quarter bath.
06:31So there's not even a tub?
06:33I call the shower.
06:34Why wouldn't you call the toilet first?
06:36I don't have time to argue with you.
06:37I'll be in the shower.
06:38I'll call the toilet.
06:39I'm bagged and ready to go 24-7.
06:41Fine, I'll figure it out.
06:43Whose blue luggage is this?
06:45Peter, no, that's my Away brand luggage.
06:47I get compliments on that.
06:53You guys look high as balls.
06:56Anyway, time for your results.
06:57Mr. Quagmire, Mr. Swanson, and Mr. Brown, you're all clear.
07:00Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid we found something quite large.
07:03Was it my penis?
07:04It was definitely not your penis.
07:07Although your butt is gigantic.
07:09What we found was this.
07:12Oh, my God.
07:14My childhood G.I. Joe.
07:16Oh, that was inside his colon?
07:18Yep, I'm afraid this soldier was literally left behind.
07:22Not to be that guy, but this Joe came with a pair of binoculars.
07:25He was kind of like the scout.
07:27Did you happen to see anything like that?
07:28Oh, never mind.
07:29I think they just came out of the mess hall.
07:35Peter, how did that little guy even get in your colon?
07:38I was a kid.
07:39If you squish anything into Wonder Bread, it goes down soft.
07:42You ate a G.I. Joe?
07:44Oh, are we going to play this game, Quagmire?
07:46Are we going to play the How Did Objects Get Inside of You game?
07:49Withdrawn.
07:50Um, I just looked up vintage 1980s G.I. Joe scout with binoculars, and it says it's worth $100,000.
07:58What?
07:58Oh, wow.
07:59Let me see that.
08:02Holy crap, it does say that.
08:05Wait, I'm in your phone as white number three?
08:07What am I listed as in your phone?
08:09Withdrawn.
08:30I'm in your phone.
08:40And I refuse to sit next to any of the Hadid's.
08:43I will get you a sticker book of Bluey.
08:46You, sir, have my silence.
08:52Peter, would you mind moving that thing from your butt away from the onion rings we're all eating?
08:56Shari.
08:57So, what do you guys think I should do with the $100,000 I'll make from selling this thing?
09:00What do you mean?
09:01We're splitting it.
09:02Yeah, we each get a share of that.
09:04I never said I'd split it.
09:05He was inside me.
09:06I was the one who spent decades carrying him to term.
09:09You wouldn't even have gotten a colonoscopy if it wasn't for us.
09:12I'm not giving you guys my money.
09:14We can't let him get away with this.
09:16I agree with white number two.
09:22Hey, check it out.
09:23Mayor West is doing press conferences on TikTok now.
09:26Howdy, TikTok.
09:27I'm Mayor Wild West, here today with a hat-over-my-heart press conference.
09:31See, my sweet feline companion, Meowr West, has gone missing.
09:39I was contacted by the shelter and told he had wandered into their facility.
09:43But when I went to pick him up, he was gone, possibly kidnapped.
09:47Well, when I find out who took him, I will personally pursue the harshest punishment allowed by law.
09:54Thank you, TikTok.
09:55Now, enjoy the vicious comments on the posts of an overweight girl who's clearly struggling.
10:01So AMC made me buy two seats for wicked.
10:17Oh, my God.
10:18I killed Mayor Wild West's cat.
10:21Oh, this is bad, Brian.
10:22Very bad.
10:23You've got to get out of town.
10:24Luckily, I've got a go bag so I can leave at a moment's notice.
10:27Here, you take it.
10:29What's this?
10:30That's a European adapter for my Corn Air hair dryer.
10:33I think you're going to need that.
10:35Four pairs of boots?
10:36I don't know who's going to see me twice.
10:44You know, I can't believe you would let something like a toy get in the way of your friendship with
10:48the guys, Peter.
10:49So?
10:50You didn't talk to Bonnie for two years after she got the same haircut as you.
10:54Well, that's different.
10:54Bonnie's a bitch.
10:56I'm just saying, think of all the great times you've had with the guys.
11:00And you're going to give it up for what?
11:0140, 50 bucks?
11:0350 bucks?
11:04Lois, this thing's worth $100,000.
11:06Wow.
11:07Dad's right.
11:08I just Googled it.
11:09What?
11:10Let me see that.
11:11Oh, my God.
11:12Peter!
11:12We're going to be rich!
11:14Okay, forget everything I just said.
11:15Screw those guys.
11:16Your butt stuff belongs to us.
11:19I'll get it.
11:21Excuse me.
11:21Are you Peter Griffin?
11:22Yeah.
11:23You've been served.
11:25Those bastards are actually suing me for their share of the G.I. Joe!
11:29Excuse me.
11:30Are you Andrew McCormick?
11:32Yes.
11:32I'm here to serve you.
11:33Wait, I just served him.
11:35Get out of here.
11:36You're lying.
11:36No, I swear to God.
11:37Sir, what did I just do?
11:39He served me.
11:39Hey, I'm just going to go out on a limb here, but are you ambisexual?
11:43I am.
11:44Would you like to have a drink and see if we can rub our way to a little gene smoke?
11:49Love to.
11:50I guess it's true.
11:52I guess it's true what they say.
11:52Every pot has a lid.
11:54Boy, they fogged up that Ultima real quick.
12:01What's going on?
12:03Your father got a letter saying his friends are taking him to court.
12:06Yeah, I read that letter.
12:08They're taking him to arbitration, not court.
12:10What?
12:11Really?
12:11Yeah.
12:12And if you need representation, I'm happy to offer my services.
12:15I've spent months studying anal salvage law.
12:18You have?
12:19It started out as a fun personal project, but then I kind of fell down an internet rabbit
12:24hole.
12:25But this whole thing only happened a couple of days ago.
12:27Well, that's what we would call a happy coincidence now, isn't it?
12:35Okay, Stewie, run me through the plan one more time.
12:37All right, well, no one has more cats in town than the librarian, so there's a very good
12:41chance she'll have a Meow West lookalike inside.
12:44So I'll distract her here at the front door.
12:46You sneak in through the back and find us a replacement cat.
12:49I don't know.
12:50Me in another room full of cats seems risky.
12:52Oh, that's the risky part?
12:54Not the high-wire improvisational act I'm about to pull off with the librarian.
12:57No, I suppose that's the easy part, right?
12:59Do I need to remind you I'm on the improv theater's house team, Brian?
13:03We had to kick Brad off, by the way.
13:05He did the Chinese voice on stage again.
13:07Ugh, whatever.
13:08Just want this whole thing to be over already.
13:12Hello, I'm an online dating expert, and I'm giving one lucky person a free Bumble profile
13:18makeover.
13:18May I ask how your dating life is going?
13:20Oh, let's just say my dating life's quieter than the place I work.
13:28I work in a library.
13:31No, yeah, I'm aware.
13:32Let's have a look at your profile, shall we?
13:34Oh, sure.
13:35Let me just log in.
13:46All right, here you go.
13:48All right, we'll start with your photos.
13:50We'll lose this one of you pointing at a grand opening banner at a Jersey Mike's.
13:54We'll also lose this one of you lying with your mother in her hospice bed.
13:58Doesn't exactly bring all the boys to the yard.
14:05Oh, this one of you at the beach is decent.
14:07I mean, we'd have to airbrush out the knee dimples, but this could work.
14:10Let me see if I...
14:11And knee dimples be gone.
14:20Oh, a match.
14:21What?
14:22Let me see that.
14:23A Jewish urologist?
14:25Oh, I love that for you.
14:26Let's look at his profile.
14:29Okay, he's taking a selfie on a bus, on a public bus.
14:34Let's, um, let's keep looking here.
14:39And I quote, we are all in this together no matter what.
14:43That is why my clients deserve their share of the profits, your honor.
14:48Thank you, Mr. Baker.
14:50Okay, we'll now hear from Mr. Griffin's representative, Chris Griffin,
14:54who prepared for this by binge-watching Suits and then Googling Meghan Markle
14:58and then Googling Meghan Markle Deepfix.
15:02Thank you, your boner.
15:03If I may direct your attention to Exhibits B through M,
15:07all items removed from my father's anus in only the last 24 hours.
15:12Do Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire also lay claim to this Michelob Ultra Key Fob?
15:18Would Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire feel justified taking home this highlighter cap?
15:23I submit that Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire
15:26are nothing more than unprincipled opportunists.
15:30Poop swoopers, as it were.
15:33I've heard more than enough. Case, over.
15:35Over? Who won?
15:37I don't know. Him?
15:38In your face!
15:40You gotta be kidding me!
15:41Yeah, that's not fair!
15:42Maybe we'll win on appeal like Cosby.
15:46Excuse me, I work for Christie's Auction House,
15:50and we'd love to fetch you top dollar for that G.I. Joe.
15:54Wow! The Christie's Auction House?
15:56No, it's actually Chris Christie's Auction House.
16:00We specialize in items that were swallowed by fat guys.
16:04We actually have an auction tomorrow we could add you to.
16:08Get there early, though.
16:09We're starting with movie props swallowed by James Spader.
16:14Oh, James Spader is so handsome.
16:16Yes, for a half hour in the late 80s, he very much was.
16:26All right, Stewie, this is it.
16:28We open the cage, let the new Meowr West in,
16:30and we're out of here.
16:32God damn it!
16:40Oh, Meowr West, good news!
16:42I think we found your missing cat.
16:44It may have had a heart attack
16:46from the excitement of this reunion.
16:48Well, I only have one question.
16:50If that's my cat,
16:51who's sitting over there on my couch?
16:55Well, Brian, I think the only thing to do now is...
16:58Go, Bag!
17:00I don't understand, but how...
17:02A short-haired, tattooed woman from the shelter
17:04found him in the dumpster left for dead.
17:06Said she saw a dog and a little fella
17:09putting him in there.
17:10I'm so sorry, Mayor West.
17:12I acted on instinct.
17:13I'm just glad he's not dead.
17:14I teach all my cats to play possum,
17:16and I teach all my possums to play horse,
17:19and I teach all my horses to play cat.
17:21Circle of life.
17:24Did you teach that one, too?
17:26He may have seen my online course.
17:28I don't know.
17:29Now, for your punishment...
17:31Oh, no.
17:31I hate measured consequences to my actions.
17:34Six bad boys with very bad boys
17:36sprinkled in to taste.
17:38Six?
17:39That's a death sentence.
17:40Bad boy.
17:41Ow!
17:41Bad boy.
17:42I can't breathe.
17:43Very bad boy.
17:44That's worse!
17:45Bad boy.
17:46I'm low to the ground.
17:47Bad boy.
17:48I can't get any lower.
17:49Very bad boy.
17:50Oh, the shame!
17:51Bad boy.
17:56Bad boy.
17:58$800.
17:59Do I hear $900 for the beard Kevin Smith sleep ate off his own face?
18:03Going once, going twice.
18:05Sold!
18:06For $800 to Kevin Smith, who used to be fat,
18:09and now looks like he was shrunken by a witch's spell.
18:14Next on the auction block
18:15A vintage Scout G.I. Joe with binoculars
18:18Removed from the colon of Peter Griffin
18:24This is it, Peter
18:25Yeah, we're gonna be rich
18:27We'll start the bidding at $75,000
18:30$75,000
18:31$75,000
18:32Do I hear $80,000?
18:33$80,000
18:33It's happening, Peter
18:34$80,000
18:36We can get Meg one year at Sarah Lawrence excluding the food program
18:46$90,000
18:47$90,000
18:48Do I hear $100,000?
18:52$100,000
18:55Nothing's fine, I'm torn
18:57I'm all out of faith
18:59This is how I feel
19:02I'm cold and I am shamed
19:04Lying naked on the floor
19:08$100,000 going once
19:10Going twice
19:11Stop the auction
19:13Peter, what the hell are you doing?
19:19What is he doing?
19:20Saving three friendships
19:22My name is Peter Griffin
19:24And I've realized that no amount of money is worth more than great friendships
19:28I guess what I'm saying is
19:30Life isn't about the contents of your butt
19:32It's about the contents of your heart
19:35I love you guys
19:44I'm sorry, Lois
19:45No, I'm the one who's sorry
19:47No amount of money can buy the kind of friendship you guys have
19:51Although, you could have just taken the money and split it four ways
19:54But, you made the right decision, Peter
19:56And I'm proud of you
20:00But this story had an even happier ending
20:02Because 39 years later
20:04The guys were all dead
20:06And I pooped that Joe out again
20:08And I became the oldest freshman at Sarah Lawrence College
20:12Lois gave me a hall pass
20:14But I failed to achieve arousal
20:16When a maybe woman touched my slacks
20:22I'm sorry we almost let that toy ruin our friendship, Peter
20:25We won't make the same mistake next time
20:27Yeah, we're due for our next colonoscopies in five years
20:29Maybe we should book that same cabin
20:32Yeah, not sure that's gonna be possible
20:33The guy was pretty mad
20:34Made me send my own cleaning lady
20:40Oh, no, no, no, no
20:49House no good
20:51Now, I'm sorry
20:51In the drain
20:53Now, I know
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