- 1 day ago
If you love my videos and want to support me, please follow me. thanks for watching.!!!
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Viewer discretion is advised.
00:30Viewer discretion is advised.
01:01We're building New Chinatown Town, which I think is a great name, not to replace what came before it, but
01:08to honor it.
01:09That is why both cheesecake factories in New Chinatown Town are renaming their world-famous Bang Bang Chicken to Old
01:17Dirty Chinatown Chicken.
01:20Man, Vic Mancuso is the best. The confidence to wear gator skin shoes to a construction site? I wish I
01:26had that.
01:27Enough chit-chat. Let's eat.
01:29Excited to try this place. Never been here, and I'm aspiring food vlogger Jake Eats.
01:33I go to food places, sit in my car, and film myself eating and talking about it all while masturbating
01:38just below frame.
01:40Don't worry, everybody. I can handle the ordering. We'll have a large meat lover's pizza, nine Oreo McFlurries, a Bloomin'
01:47Onion, and a pitcher of Mountain Dew Code Red.
01:49Okay.
01:50You know, Steve, the history of Chinatown goes back all the way to the 15th century.
01:56What?
01:57During the Ming Dynasty, the sailor Zhang He captained a great fleet. Every ship filled with treasure.
02:05Treasure?
02:06Shh. To show the world China's wealth, he sailed to India, and then to Africa, and some people think he
02:13then sailed here.
02:15How'd he sail on land?
02:16Now, you dummy!
02:18Using his magical compass, Zhang He sailed all the way to America and buried his treasure right here, in Langley
02:26Falls.
02:27And Chinatown grew over it?
02:29Yes, dummy. Legend says there's an amulet that can lead you to the start, and I have it.
02:37Oops. These are my dog texts from Madonna's Express Yourself tour.
02:42Ah, here. I won it in a poker game. I had three eights.
02:47Baba, are you talking about treasure to my son?
02:51No. We were talking about pleasure. Right, Steve?
02:54Yeah. Pleasure. Why is it we always say, it's a pleasure to meet you? It's a little early to know,
03:01right?
03:02Ugh.
03:04Good cover, Steve.
03:06Fifteen plates of chicken feet.
03:08Gross.
03:09What?
03:09Roger.
03:10Hey, no way I ordered fifteen of these. And I'm still waiting for that pitcher of Code Red.
03:15Forget it, Jake Eats. It's Chinatown.
03:21Well, I don't think I'm beating that one. See you next week.
03:25It was so cool hanging with Mama and Baba the other day.
03:28Don't think I didn't hear you two talking about treasure.
03:32Most of my friend's grandparents are into lame stuff, like the show Blue Bloods and dying.
03:37I love that Baba's into treasure hunting.
03:40He's a fool!
03:41Why are you so harsh on Baba?
03:43A fool, I say! A fool of the highest order!
03:46You know why, Steve? Because the treasure doesn't exist.
03:50It's a bogus legend. Possibly the dumbest treasure story ever told.
03:56Sixty-two ships, all bigger than the Titanic, all full of treasure, which they hauled by foot, 42 miles to
04:05Langley Falls?
04:06I don't think I'm going to go for it.
04:08I don't think I'm going to go for it.
04:09She's questioning how Baba got the magic amulet in a poker game with three-eighths.
04:14Three-eighths? If you had something of immense value, you don't put it down on a hand that could lose
04:21to three-eighths!
04:23Okay, I get it. The whole treasure thing's dumb. Can we go? I've had to poop for five errands.
04:31Holy cow, what a line!
04:33Thanks for helping, guys. I'm having a tough time launching my channel. I've only put two videos up.
04:39One's an out-of-focus video of my shoe, and the other was when a wild turkey wandered into our
04:43yard.
04:44Kind of blew up, but it got demonetized because Counting Crows was playing in the background.
04:48Don't worry. All Haley and I do is watch TikTok. Being a food vlogger is easy.
04:53Make a bunch of noises while you eat, then say what you like about it.
04:56It's your boy, Jake Eats, and I'm at the Chili Hat. It's a burger place, but they're known for their
05:01chili.
05:02Let's take the lid off and get a good whiff.
05:06A little spicy.
05:07Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
05:11Sorry, I'll go get some napkins.
05:15They made me wait in line just for more napkins.
05:18And did you get the chili, too?
05:20I'll be back.
05:22Leave the napkins!
05:23Catch!
05:27I'll get some more napkins, too.
05:33Where are you going with all those big menus?
05:36These are books on Chinese lore.
05:38Just because Mom doesn't want to entertain Baba's sweet little treasure fantasy doesn't mean I can't.
05:43That's exactly what it means.
05:45Mom, don't you want me to connect with Baba?
05:47Of course. Just not over treasure.
05:51Which is everything with him.
05:52That's why I forbid you to hang out with him.
05:55You're so unfair!
05:57And I did not like that thing you just did where you pretended to be nice and then changed.
06:04Wow. That was a lot to process. I need to stop thinking for a while.
06:10That's better.
06:17Oh, look. A note.
06:28Hey, Steve. I'm sorry.
06:33That little...
06:38English leather and hot Takis. Baba.
06:42Ah!
06:46Steve! You got my pigeon!
06:47My mom's gonna kill me if she sees I'm gone.
06:50Not if we find a treasure!
06:52Watching time go by, guarding the start.
06:56According to legend, the key to the entrance was an ancient sundial.
07:01Unfortunately, I think they built that clock tower over it.
07:05Then last night, I remember seeing that the other day.
07:10Watching time go by.
07:12That lion's watching the old sundial.
07:16Wait!
07:17Those books I read said that in Chinese culture, it's bad luck to enter a lion by the mouth.
07:22Then I guess that means your grandma isn't a lion.
07:26Ugh. I'm serious.
07:27It's why MGM Las Vegas had to change its original lion's head entrance.
07:31Maybe it goes somewhere else?
07:33Steve, get your hand out of that lion's butt.
07:36I knew I couldn't trust you, Baba.
07:39Come on, Steve. We're going home.
07:49Oh, my God. It's the entrance.
07:51Come on. Let's check it out.
07:53Ah!
07:56Great. Now I have to go save him.
07:59Oh, boo-hoo.
08:00Francine has to go on an exciting treasure hunt.
08:04Ugh. My bones.
08:08Quit lying around, you two.
08:10That's treasure to find.
08:21Wow. It's beautiful.
08:24When I arrive, you can go.
08:28These are Chinese numbers.
08:30Maybe it's a date?
08:31Oh, to hear a junk who came to America.
08:34You know it, Franny. Sing it.
08:36Jing He sailed for fun, came to Langley in 1421.
08:40That's it.
08:41Although extremely lacking in pizazz.
08:53Are we thinking this water's a good thing?
08:56Whisk us away to the next area?
08:58Oh, yeah. It'll whisk us away.
09:00To our deaths.
09:02Mom, you're doing the nice-to-mean thing.
09:04This makes no sense.
09:05All the research points to 1421.
09:07Damn it, Baba.
09:09Your stupid obsession is going to get us killed.
09:12Stupid obsession?
09:13We're probably 50 feet from all the treasure of 15th century China.
09:1815th century China?
09:20We're idiots.
09:21They didn't use the same calendar as us.
09:25Our 1421 was their 4118.
09:29We are so stupid.
09:39A few more seconds and I'd have brain damage.
09:42Wait, do I have brain damage?
09:44Ask me Snot's social security number.
09:46985-007199.
09:48Oh, thank God.
09:52Good to see you again.
09:53Oh, you're not Dana.
09:54Well, let me catch you up.
09:55I've been through this line six times over the last nine hours,
09:58and I still haven't been able to review your chili.
10:00Once, I sneezed it all over my RAV4.
10:03Twice, I dropped it.
10:04Then some teenagers slapped the bowl out of my hands.
10:06Guess it's called a chili check?
10:08Pretty funny.
10:09Then I got clipped by a VW Golf.
10:11But that was my fault,
10:11because I was walking backwards through the parking lot
10:14having a heated exchange with an off-duty baseball coach.
10:16So anyway, one small chili, please.
10:23Chili check!
10:24Ha! Still funny.
10:25I got chili checked again.
10:27I gotta hop back in line.
10:29Oh, no.
10:30Looks like the shark's nest just let out.
10:32They must have given up three touchdowns in the fourth quarter,
10:34so everyone's cashing in their free cheer-up chili.
10:37Sometimes when you lose, you really win.
10:41Hey, there's still some chili in here.
10:44Chili check!
10:46Look, the door!
10:50But look!
10:52Moonlight!
10:52A way out!
10:54This whole place is falling in on itself.
10:57We gotta get out of here.
10:58Get out?
10:59We're closer now than we've ever been.
11:01We'll finally be crazy rich Asians.
11:03Just like in that movie, Parasite.
11:06This is what you always did.
11:08Put treasure ahead of everyone.
11:09You wasted my whole childhood training me for treasure hunting, rock climbing, Chinese lore, Krav Maga, dislocating my limbs to
11:20fit through tight spaces.
11:21Well, can I offer one rebuttal in my defense?
11:24What?
11:30Goal!
11:31Woo!
11:33I think of all the good times that I've missed.
11:37But that sweet treasure I just cannot realize.
11:42Ow!
11:44I got it bad, got it bad, got it bad.
11:47I'm half a treasure.
11:51I got it bad.
11:53I got it bad, so bad, I'm half a treasure.
11:58Take it, Steve.
12:05Come on!
12:06We're gonna get smushed!
12:09Let's go, Steve.
12:11We can still get the treasure.
12:13Sorry, Mom.
12:14Steve, no!
12:19I must have slid weird.
12:21Look away, Baba.
12:25Vic Mancuso.
12:27Vic Mancuso!
12:28Vic Mancuso?
12:30Vic Mancuso!
12:31Thank God you're working in the dead of night.
12:33I know this sounds crazy, but my father and son are stuck underground in a dangerous web of treasure tunnels.
12:42Please, calm down, step into my little portable construction office thingy, I don't know what they're called.
12:50Do you?
12:51Let's just go inside.
12:52Let's just go inside.
12:53I don't get why Mom's still upset.
12:54You were right about everything.
12:57There's another room down there.
12:59Not again!
13:04Oh, my spine!
13:06My precious spine!
13:10Sorry, what were you saying?
13:11Something about a tiger's butt?
13:13Lion's butt!
13:14Lion's butt!
13:14The lion statue right here in the square!
13:17Please, excuse my silk hon-fu robe. I'm in the middle of one of my many daily suit changes.
13:22Of course.
13:23I see you've noticed from my object dart and Jackie Chan posters that I appreciate fine Chinese things.
13:30I could watch Rush Hour 2 all day.
13:34Yeah, it's a great movie.
13:35I'm gonna need some henchmen in here.
13:37Wait, what?
13:38Francine, I didn't buy old dirty Chinatown just to turn a profit.
13:42If the legends are true, Zheng He's mythical compass is right below us.
13:48With that power, I could redevelop the world.
13:52Wait a second.
13:54You're a bad guy!
13:57Listen up.
13:58This lady, a grandpa, and some dumb kid found the entrance to the treasure before you!
14:04You knew about the treasure?
14:06Now it will be super easy to catch up to your family, force the old guy to lead us to
14:11the treasure, and kill them.
14:13Ah, sometimes I'm so smart, and sometimes I'm so dumb!
14:18Also, guys, I think getting outsmarted by this group of ragtags is another example of how our hybrid work schedule
14:25is just not working.
14:26Henchmen work is something best done in person.
14:29Everyone's gotta start coming in more.
14:31No more Zoom!
14:32Sorry, boss.
14:33You cut out for a second.
14:35What'd you say?
14:36Ugh, never mind.
14:40You'll do anything to my son, and I swear, I will find you, and I will hurt you.
14:47You can do whatever you want to my dad.
14:49Oh, you're not going anywhere.
14:52You sure you're good to watch her, Trevor?
14:54Yeah, I'm good, Vic.
14:55It's just like I'm there.
14:56She pulls anything, I'll slack you.
14:58Now it's time to catch these dorks, get Zheng He's compass, and become the most powerful real estate developer in
15:05the world!
15:06Right after I change my suit one more time, I'm just worried this one won't go with the compass.
15:12I'm telling you, Steve, mama is insatiable.
15:16Please stop!
15:17I should have stayed with mom, and I gotta pee.
15:20That's like the eighth time you had to pee!
15:22So anyway, I don't know if it's her or just my sex appeal, but mama can go all night!
15:28Oh my god, stop!
15:37Hey, Trevor, do I hear the bluey theme song in the background?
15:41Didn't you tell your daughter no more screen time?
15:43Are you kidding me, Presley?
15:50Hey, Presley was asleep!
15:54Later, Trevor.
15:55I gotta save my son.
15:57Oh, no, you were lying!
15:59Gotta stop trusting everyone, Trevor!
16:12My Chinese is a little rusty.
16:15This either means quick way or quick death.
16:18I'll take my chances.
16:22Wheeee!
16:26Another pee puddle?
16:27They must have a dog or something.
16:31But if you really want to juice your grandma's orange...
16:34Mommy!
16:35Shh!
16:36And Kuso's henchmen are all over the place.
16:38The guy rebuilding Chinatown?
16:40He's only doing it to get his hands on Zheng Ho's compass.
16:43Let's get moving before one of them catches up to us.
16:46Too late.
16:48We can take these guys!
16:51Okay, I got this.
16:54Prove regard!
16:55Throat punch!
16:55Throat punch!
16:56Throat punch!
16:57Throat punch!
16:57I mostly do throat punches.
16:59Good thing these guys all had throats.
17:03Okay, okay, okay, okay!
17:04We are clean!
17:05We have the chili!
17:07Let's do this!
17:08Burgers, more burgers, fries...
17:11They forgot the f***ing chili!
17:16That's chili, huh?
17:18Damn it, she did say be careful the chili is under the burgers.
17:21She said it twice, actually.
17:24This can't be the end!
17:25It doesn't make sense!
17:27I'm gonna go pee again.
17:29You know, I didn't have to include you in my treasure obsession when you were growing up.
17:33I did it because I enjoy spending time with you.
17:36I like spending time with you, too.
17:39The problem was, once it wasn't treasure related, you didn't want to spend time with me anymore.
17:44I'm sorry.
17:45I just thought if I could get the treasure, I could give you and your sister and your mom a
17:50better life.
17:50I think I would have just preferred you more in the life we did have.
17:54Uh, guys?
17:55I think my pee found something.
17:59Maybe we have to twist this rock?
18:01I'm not touching pee.
18:02Me either!
18:03Ah!
18:05Steve has pee hands!
18:06Pee pee hands, kid!
18:10There's an indentation.
18:12We need to fill it with something.
18:15Not just something.
18:16Chang He's lucky gold medallion.
18:18Didn't we use that to get in here?
18:20No, that was Chang He's amulet.
18:22I'm talking about Chang He's medallion.
18:25Which I gave to you for your 12th birthday.
18:28No, you gave me...
18:31My necklace!
18:32I knew you'd keep it safe.
18:52Chang He's compass.
18:54It's magnificent.
18:56And it's all magnifi-mine.
19:00Now, I'll have the power to develop the whole world into a crappy, mixed-use retail space,
19:07where parking is only free for the first 30 minutes,
19:11and no validations, ever!
19:17Chang He!
19:27An exit!
19:32You don't need that.
19:34You already have treasure.
19:37And so do I.
19:47Win some, lose some, dim some!
19:49Let's go some!
20:02You fools!
20:04I had it in my hands!
20:09I saved that dummy's life just so he could die!
20:12Hey, Baba, I have one question.
20:15What were you gonna do without my necklace?
20:17Hi, Steve.
20:18I knew you'd show up.
20:21Suckers!
20:22Should've gone back in!
20:32What up?
20:33It's your boy, Jake Eats!
20:34And I'm here to tell you what I think of the Chili Hat!
20:54Well, guess we'd better find a way home.
20:56Chili Tech!
20:57Bye-bye!
20:58See you soon!
Comments