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00:08I've been all across the country looking for comedians who have just gotten it.
00:12This person is eventually going to become one of us.
00:15The next household man.
00:17I want to help spark the next person of funny.
00:21And after inviting the funniest to Los Angeles,
00:24say your goodbyes and your congrats and everything,
00:26to the ten that go, congrats on getting to the next step.
00:30Okay?
00:35We're down to just ten.
00:42Or so we thought.
00:45What's going on, Andrea? Talk to me.
00:47I'm quitting the show.
00:49I'm like, are you sure?
00:53And now for the top ten. It's getting serious.
00:55There's a life-changing Netflix comedy special on the line,
00:59so I brought the comics back to L.A. to take on a comedy classic.
01:02A celebrity roast!
01:08Dude, we're here. It's so cool.
01:10Oh, my God, yes.
01:11Wow.
01:12Wow, this is gorgeous.
01:14Wait, Winston got married.
01:16I did.
01:17Oh, yeah.
01:18Yes.
01:19Yes.
01:20She was like, if you don't make the top ten, the wedding's off.
01:24Oh, Steve, how your wedding prep going?
01:26Oh, it's still up in the air right now.
01:28What happened?
01:29Y'all pushed it back?
01:30Yeah, way back.
01:32Like, how far back?
01:33Infinitely back.
01:34Oh, wow.
01:35That's great for Winston.
01:39Sorry, can I get your attention real quick?
01:40Sure.
01:41Yes.
01:42Unfortunately, Andrea Jin has decided to drop out of the competition.
01:46Is she okay?
01:47She's fine.
01:48She took herself out of it.
01:49Whoa.
01:50And just one more thing.
01:52Somebody else will be entering the competition.
01:54Oh, shit.
01:55I was annoyed.
01:57I'm just like, what y'all doing?
01:59Like, this is like the 12th hour.
02:01I'm adding extra stress to my plate.
02:04Yeah!
02:06Oh!
02:07Oh!
02:08Oh!
02:09Oh!
02:10Oh!
02:11Oh!
02:11Oh!
02:12Oh!
02:16I was the only black guy.
02:18And now, I'm not.
02:21I'll tell you what, I love him, but I felt like a KKK member.
02:24Who's letting these niggas in?
02:25Bro, I was in Cancun still trying to get over the fact that I got kicked off.
02:28Then they was like, hey, you want to come back?
02:29I was like, I'll leave right now!
02:31I gotta step it up, man.
02:31I definitely feel like I have a lot to prove to everyone.
02:34And I'm not doing this alone.
02:37Joining me, the queen of the roast, Nikki Glaser.
02:41Guys, how are you?
02:42But she's not just here to judge.
02:44She's also here to sharpen the skills of the next generation.
02:47I'm really here to talk about the roasts that you all have.
02:51Nikki's the roast queen.
02:52She's, in my opinion, the best roaster of all time.
02:56First, I just want to say, open your mind to roasts,
02:58because they are such a great way to showcase yourself
03:01as a stand-up comedian.
03:02The Tom Brady roast changed my life.
03:05I am excited to have her talk me through some stuff,
03:08because, like, all I want is her knowledge.
03:10Embrace that for five minutes, you get to truly be, like, a psychopath.
03:15And say, like, the darkest, worst stuff that you would never even maybe say in your act,
03:21because it would make you so deeply unlikable.
03:22I'm tired of hearing, I don't do roasts.
03:25I just love stand-up comedy.
03:26Well, roasts are stand-up comedy.
03:28They're just jokes.
03:29It's just a different format.
03:30If you do a good showing on this, it really is going to show the world what you're capable of.
03:34Yeah!
03:36The greatest!
03:37It feels good, baby!
03:45Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Kevin Hart!
04:00Thank you!
04:03Thank you!
04:08Thank you!
04:10Thank you!
04:12Sit down!
04:14Sit down!
04:16Much appreciated!
04:19So, before we do anything, I want to welcome you guys.
04:22Yes, this is Funny AF.
04:26Guys, do me a favor, man.
04:28Keep that same energy going for my damn top ten right now.
04:32Show some love to our top ten.
04:36Woo!
04:40Well, it's time to take on a celebrity roast.
04:43And at the end of the show, eight of the top ten will move on to the next round.
04:47And two, well, two of these comics will be going home.
04:51Yes.
04:52Yes, that's right.
04:53It's unfortunate, but fuck it.
04:55It has to happen.
04:57It has to happen.
04:59It's a competition, okay?
05:01But...
05:01Here's where it gets good.
05:02Tonight is the roast of Marshawn Lynch.
05:05And joining me, one of the greatest roasters in the business at the moment.
05:10Man, she is who I would like to refer to as the new queen of roasts.
05:14Do me a favor, guys.
05:15Give it up for Nikki Glaser!
05:30So good.
05:35Wow.
05:37I love it.
05:38Kevin, you literally changed my life as a Tom Brady roast.
05:41Because now, I can't go within 200 feet of Tom Brady.
05:45And that is...
05:46That's difficult for me.
05:47And I know I'm supposed to stay three feet away from you, but with our height difference,
05:51I feel like I am adhering to that tonight.
05:56I get to sit on this couch with Marshawn Lynch and Kevin Hart.
05:59What an honor.
06:00Seriously, my all-time dream two-and-a-half-some.
06:03I mean, this is...
06:06Thank you for letting me do that.
06:07Y'all show Nikki some love.
06:09Show her some more love right now.
06:12Right?
06:14All right, let's keep it moving, guys.
06:16Thirteen seasons in the NFL.
06:18A Super Bowl ring with the Seattle Seahawks.
06:21The man ran through and past everybody that got in his way.
06:25Ladies and gentlemen, here is Beast Mode himself, Marshawn Lynch!
06:38Marshawn Lynch.
06:39Five Pro Bowls.
06:41Over 10,000 rushing yards.
06:43A Super Bowl ring.
06:45Beast Mode wasn't a nickname.
06:46It was a warning.
06:47But off the field, a larger-than-life personality with the big kid energy to match.
06:55Winding up reporters at press conferences.
06:58Lighting up the big screen.
06:59Yeah. Hell yeah.
07:01Now he's here.
07:02And this time, the hits are different.
07:05This is the roast of Marshawn Lynch.
07:13Marshawn, these are just jokes.
07:15You understand that?
07:16Beat the motherfuckers to a minimum.
07:18No, no, no, no, no.
07:19I'm not a comedian.
07:21No, listen, no.
07:21I still beat ass.
07:22No, no, no, no, no, no.
07:25No, we made an agreement.
07:26You told me you were going to participate.
07:28I want to make sure you don't plan on meeting none of these people outside.
07:33This is the 50-yard line right here.
07:35Yeah, okay.
07:36All right.
07:36Anything you want to say, man, before we get active?
07:38Let's get active.
07:39Let's get active.
07:40Let's get active.
07:41Whoo.
07:43Yes.
07:44Now, look.
07:45You all know that the prize for the winner of this competition is your own one-hour Netflix special.
07:51That's right.
07:53A Netflix special is the dream, guys.
07:55It can change everything.
07:57All right.
07:58Are you all ready for a great show?
08:02All right, then let's get it going.
08:04First up, guys, from New York is Usama Sadiqa!
08:17Keep it going, keep it going, keep it going!
08:21Wow!
08:22This is amazing.
08:24Guys.
08:24Three stars.
08:25And now for the man of the hour, Marshawn Lynch.
08:27Clap it up, Marshawn!
08:29Whoo!
08:31Marshawn Lynch.
08:32Dude, your last name is crazy.
08:34Because it's the worst crime involving your people.
08:39That's like if my name was Usama Usama.
08:45Tread lightly, my boy.
08:47Please don't kill me.
08:49Listen.
08:50Oh, God.
08:50Dude, you are huge.
08:51You are fucking huge as fuck.
08:54People say you look like Allen Iverson.
08:55Bro, you look like if Allen Iverson ate Allen Iverson.
08:59Listen.
09:00It is okay to put on a few pounds after leaving the NFL,
09:03but Jesus, I didn't know you were gonna go from beast mode to breast mode.
09:05Jesus.
09:07Oh, my God.
09:08Oh, my God.
09:10Marshawn.
09:14Marshawn.
09:15You have one Super Bowl and two Super Jugs.
09:20Dude, you went from Seahawk to C Cub.
09:24I am scared to hug you at the end of this because I don't want to go to second base.
09:27I'll be honest.
09:28Ray Lau, I'll tell you what second base is later.
09:30I promise.
09:31Whatever.
09:32People say he's the Shohei Ohtani of comedy.
09:35I'm like, that's not true.
09:36Ohtani has been to second base.
09:39Felicia Fox is here.
09:40Clap it up.
09:41Oh, my God!
09:43Whoo!
09:45Felicia, if you're here, then who's talking too loudly on every Greyhound buzz?
09:52Oh, my God.
09:52The women here are amazing.
09:53Caitlin Paloofa.
09:54Oh, my God.
09:55Hilarious!
09:57Caitlin was actually engaged for many years.
09:59It broke off, and now she's dating again.
10:01Caitlin, you're like the Buffalo Bills.
10:03No matter how many black guys play with you, you're never getting a ring.
10:12But, guys, the hilarious Steve Fury, everyone.
10:15Clap it up.
10:16You creepy-looking fuck.
10:20You look like you joined ICE because you already had some kids in cages.
10:25Doesn't Steve give that vibe?
10:27Enough nobodies.
10:28Enough nobodies.
10:29Kevin Artie, they're clapping up.
10:30Good writing.
10:31Good fucking writing.
10:32Whoo!
10:32Kevin Artie.
10:33Listen, listen.
10:35I don't want to do a bunch of short jokes, so I think I'll do some long ones about how
10:38tiny you are.
10:40Kevin, you are so small.
10:42Like, did someone leave you in the dryer too long?
10:44Like, what is it?
10:45Man, you are the man.
10:46Dude, I know when you have sex, you get hard as a rock.
10:49Sorry, um, I misspoke.
10:50I meant to say hard inside the rock.
10:53Sorry.
10:58Guys, Marshawn is an amazing football player.
11:00Amazing.
11:01He retired from the NFL three times.
11:04Marshawn, you are so unique.
11:05The average black man only leaves his family once.
11:10Marshawn, you're one of the most amazing athletes.
11:12I look up to you, dude.
11:13You are the literal goat.
11:15And a goat your size could feed my entire family in Bangladesh.
11:19Thanks for having me.
11:20You guys are great.
11:20Thank y'all so much.
11:21What's up?
11:23What's up?
11:24What's up?
11:25Yeah.
11:27Whoo!
11:28Oh, my God.
11:30Okay.
11:31From New York, it is Caitlin Palufo!
11:36Hi!
11:37Hi!
11:38Hi!
11:40Hello!
11:43Hi!
11:43Marshawn, really, why are you here?
11:45Did you think Kevin was a football?
11:47Okay.
11:49Ugh!
11:50Now, I wanna, I wanna make sure you know, I know you're not dumb.
11:53I know you're very smart.
11:54You went to UC Berkeley, but you know.
11:56Helmet hit hard, okay?
12:01Oh, I swear, Marshawn has taken more shots to the face than Nicky.
12:12Now, I want to be clear, that is not a cum joke, that is a Botox joke, okay?
12:16I knew it.
12:18Olivia Carter is a new friend. Wave, Olivia. Hi.
12:23Yes, or as I like to call her, anorexic Gandalf.
12:28Between your super religious upbringing and all that goth glam makeup, girl, we get it.
12:33You were molested, okay?
12:37Another pasty weirdo, Winston Hodges. Winston?
12:41I got to ask, Winston, if you're here, who's scooping ice cream in the 1950s?
12:47Oh, shit. Who the fuck do look like?
12:49Winston looks like the youth pastor that fingered Olivia.
12:56Ron Taylor is here. Ron Taylor.
13:01Ron is so funny. He has so many jokes about hooking up with women, all right?
13:06I never understood how he got laid so often, but then I realized, oh, pity.
13:12I mean, who wants to fuck Ozempic Bernie Mac?
13:16Oh, shit. Shit.
13:20Oh, yeah.
13:21Anyway, Kevin Hart!
13:23Kevin.
13:25Now, I also don't want to make fun of your height, because I love a short king.
13:29I do. Yes.
13:30They are the best.
13:32Yes.
13:33They are the best at eating pussy, because they need the nutrients.
13:39Uh...
13:41That's why he's got so many muscles.
13:43He's so strong.
13:48Do it again. Do it again.
13:49Why do you think Nikki's sitting so close?
13:52Oh.
13:53I like being this close to you, Marshawn.
13:55I see that you're a little cross-eyed.
13:57I like that.
13:57Yeah.
13:58I think it's cute.
14:00Yeah.
14:00Oh, yeah.
14:00I'm taking a look.
14:02Oh.
14:04Marshawn, let's make a little mocha Travis Kelsey, okay?
14:07Oh.
14:09What the fuck?
14:11Marshawn, I bet being cross-eyed makes you great with the ladies,
14:14because you can talk to two bitches at once.
14:16Oh.
14:21But really, you are incredible, Marshawn, truly.
14:23As a 49er fan, I don't know what was more painful.
14:26Oh.
14:33I don't know what was more painful,
14:35watching you beat us or watching your acting career.
14:39Oh.
14:40But you are.
14:41You are so accomplished.
14:42Your career is almost perfect.
14:44It's spectacular, but it's so close to being perfect.
14:46I just think about that last Super Bowl.
14:48Shut the fuck up.
14:51Shut the fuck up.
14:52Think about it, Marshawn.
14:54Think about it, Marshawn.
14:56You were so close.
14:57Two-yard line, seconds to go.
14:59And they threw the ball for an interception
15:01instead of handing it to you.
15:03Imagine, imagine if you had scored that touchdown,
15:06won that game, you wouldn't have to be here.
15:10Thank you, guys.
15:11That's it for me.
15:22Terrible.
15:23Y'all good.
15:24I told you.
15:24That girl good.
15:26You crushed it.
15:27Yes, baby.
15:28I'm proud of you.
15:28Thanks, honey.
15:29Run it, run it, run it down, run it, run it, run it down, run it down.
15:33What's your biggest fear?
15:34Generally, my comedy is not very mean-spirited.
15:37So you're out of your comfort zone?
15:38I'm out of my comfort zone a little bit.
15:39I'm just, like, really nervous because I want to do a good job.
15:41If you feel bad, say that.
15:43I think it's almost more interesting when it's a nice guy
15:46delivering the stuff against his will.
15:48Yeah, yeah, definitely against my will.
15:51How are you feeling? How is all this?
15:53My big thing is, again, because my comedy is mostly about me,
15:56I have a hard time, like, being mean.
15:58Do you know what I mean?
15:59Yeah.
15:59Like, being mean to, like, a stranger.
16:01Because I don't know Marshawn.
16:02Well, I know him of him, but I don't know him personally.
16:05He asked for it.
16:06He asked for it.
16:07Okay.
16:07He signed up for this.
16:08Okay.
16:09He can take these hits.
16:10He's a strong man.
16:11Okay.
16:11And this is your job.
16:12And this is my job.
16:12The thing I love about Rose is, like, I can say all these horrible things,
16:16but at the end of it, people are like, I want to be friends with her.
16:19Why?
16:19I should be locked up.
16:23We're gonna keep it going.
16:24From Arlington, Virginia, here's Winston Hodges!
16:36Man.
16:37Aw, thank you so, what an amazing opportunity, man.
16:39Kevin, thank you so much, but what the fuck is this show?
16:44You know what I mean?
16:45Kevin, you make so much money, you could help real fucking people, man.
16:51Bro, fuck this show.
16:53Build a children's hospital.
16:55What?
16:56Oh, my God.
16:58I mean, I'll be real with you, man.
17:00I think you'd find a way to turn that shit into a TV show, too, though.
17:03Oh, my God.
17:04Wouldn't it be amazing?
17:06Next season on Netflix, Tommy wins a new leg on Kevin Hart, Healthy AF.
17:13Oh, man.
17:14That was a nice...
17:15Oh, man.
17:16To the real reason for the season.
17:18Make some noise for Mr. Marshawn Lynch here, bro.
17:20I'm so excited.
17:22I'm fucking excited, dude.
17:24Do you know how fucking depressing it is to roast a professional athlete
17:28that has more television credits than me?
17:32Every day, dude.
17:33I had no idea.
17:34Imagine getting hit in the head so many times you get to go into acting.
17:38Do you understand that?
17:40It turns out CTE just stands for casting talentless idiots.
17:45And I know idiot starts with an I, but Marshawn can't fucking read,
17:49so be cool about it.
17:53I love you three.
17:54I love you three so much, man.
17:56We got fucking beast mode, least mode, yeast mode.
18:03Oh, man.
18:05People have been making fun of my glasses.
18:06It's true.
18:06I can't see shit because when I got up here, I looked over here and saw these three,
18:11and I thought Nikki was finally famous enough to have two black African kids.
18:14You know?
18:17So close.
18:20Ray, your mustache is fucking ridiculous, man.
18:23It is.
18:23Oh, my God.
18:23Literally on anyone else in this room, that mustache would make you look like a pedophile.
18:29On Ray, it just looks like you're a little too old to touch.
18:34You can't go through.
18:35You can't go through.
18:36You can't go through.
18:37Ron Taylor's only here because he heard if he wins, he gets to be in the Jackson 5, you know?
18:44We got Felicia Foulkes and Eva Evans here.
18:46I'll tell you one thing, brother.
18:47You're not going to catch a man dressed as a racist Southern lawyer making fun of two black women, okay?
18:53It's not going to happen, all right?
18:55These women are black, they are strong, and they both have fat asses, so they're okay by me.
19:08You know?
19:09In 2010, Marshawn Lynch actually got his backup quarterback confused with a reporter.
19:16Marshawn can't tell fucking white people apart, man.
19:22You can't tell us apart.
19:25And that's why, Marshawn, if you got a problem with these jokes and you want to see me outside,
19:30I need you to fucking remember.
19:33My name is Steve Fury.
19:46I love this.
19:47I love this image.
19:48We're killer.
19:50Oh, the train doesn't stop now.
19:52We got to keep it going.
19:54From Los Angeles, guys, here is Felicia Foulkes!
20:00Oh, man.
20:03Oh, thank you.
20:05Oh, my God.
20:07I can't believe I'm here.
20:08I know.
20:09I know.
20:10Woo!
20:11No, I can't believe I'm here.
20:12I mean, it's like a complete honor.
20:14I can't believe I get to roast Marshawn Lynch, you know?
20:16This would have been really exciting in 2015.
20:21Nikki Glaser is here.
20:23I'm so happy she's here.
20:24Nikki is truly my favorite living roaster.
20:26I'm not joking.
20:27I love her so much.
20:28A lot of people say we pretend Nikki's funny because she's hot.
20:32Not true.
20:33We know she's funny.
20:34That's why we pretend she's hot.
20:36You know what I mean?
20:39No, honestly, Nikki, it's fine.
20:41I don't mind that you get a lot of plastic surgery.
20:43I think you look beautiful.
20:44You know what I mean?
20:45This is my thing.
20:46You do know they do asses, too, right?
20:50Like...
20:51I'll look into it.
20:53Okay, wow.
20:54Seeing Marshawn and Nikki on a couch like this,
20:56it feels like the beginning of a shitty porno, you know?
21:00It's the beginning of a shitty porno, really.
21:02Like, look at them, you know?
21:03It looks like Beauty and the Beast mode, you know?
21:07I watch it.
21:09I watch it.
21:11It does.
21:13Don't worry, Nikki's such a slut.
21:15She's used to fucking guys that look like monsters.
21:17Don't worry.
21:19Don't worry.
21:20She likes beasts.
21:21But I don't want to roast you, Marshawn.
21:22You know what I mean?
21:23You, my brother, I don't like.
21:24I don't think black people should roast each other.
21:25Black people got to stick together, you know?
21:27I have your back, you know?
21:28These guys, they don't have your back, you know?
21:30If Ray Lyle's behind your back,
21:32it's because he's following you around the liquor store.
21:34You know what I'm saying?
21:36And Marshawn's not even the most dangerous guy on the stage.
21:38The most dangerous guy on the stage is Steve Fury.
21:40This guy right here.
21:41Yeah, he's a real piece of shit from Sacramento.
21:45Absolutely.
21:45Steve, if you're here, who's outside stealing my catalytic converter?
21:51I don't know.
21:52Honestly, I'm scared of Usama too, Usama Siddiqui up there.
21:55He's the first Indian fuckboy I've ever met.
22:00He looks like he'd charm a snake and then ghost it.
22:04Good, good, good.
22:07That's a good job.
22:08That's a good one.
22:09He's a pretty boy.
22:11But we're here to talk about Marshawn Lynch, huh?
22:13Give it up for Marshawn.
22:15Absolutely.
22:17Marshawn looks like someone gave Whoopi Goldberg the super soldier serum.
22:22No, I like your hair.
22:23I really do.
22:24I like your hair.
22:24I like your locks.
22:25I do.
22:26I feel like you look like T-Pain, you know?
22:29Wow.
22:29You do.
22:30You look like T-Pain after your career gave you CTE pain.
22:33You know?
22:35But I do have a lot of respect for you.
22:36I don't want to pretend like I can't do what you can do.
22:39You can't do what I can do.
22:41Well, that's not true.
22:41I can do what you can do.
22:43I could definitely lose the Super Bowl to the Patriots.
22:46That is...
22:50Okay.
22:50Thank you guys so much.
22:51Have a good night.
22:56Good shit, Felicia.
22:59I like that.
23:00I like that.
23:01I like that, man.
23:03Yo, ay, I do not care what you think, you think.
23:06I do not care what you think, you think.
23:08Is this something you've done a lot of?
23:09Um, I'm feeling good about the roast, like, my jokes.
23:12Like, I believe in on my jokes.
23:14Yeah.
23:14I know that I'm sort of not a traditional roaster
23:16because I'm kind of monotone.
23:18So I don't know if that would be a strength or not.
23:20It works in your stand-up.
23:21You're made for this.
23:23Aw, thanks.
23:23Yeah, your delivery, don't worry about your delivery.
23:25Don't change anything about who you are.
23:26Yeah.
23:27How you feeling?
23:27I feel like I wrote good jokes, but not like, ooh, jokes.
23:31Okay.
23:32Just go hard.
23:33I probably should.
23:34Do it.
23:34Don't leave anything on the table.
23:36Coming back into this competition,
23:37I feel like I need to constantly put the stand-up, like, I belong here.
23:40Like, balls to the wall, man.
23:41Like, make sure everyone remembers me.
23:43I just want to know, like, how you're feeling
23:44with this whole roast.
23:46I think I'm kind of weak on roasts of other people,
23:49but I think I'm okay on Kevin.
23:51I think that's okay.
23:51Yeah, there's a lot there.
23:52Yeah, there is.
23:53I mean, there's not a lot there.
23:54That's what's there.
23:55I've been flexing a new muscle, working on something new.
23:58I just hope that it goes well.
24:00Yeah!
24:01The greatest!
24:07This next comic is from Brooklyn, New York.
24:11Here is Olivia Colón!
24:20What do I say about Marshawn Lynch, you know?
24:23He's actually a good guy, you know?
24:26He gives out turkeys on Thanksgiving.
24:29This would be so much easier if you just raped somebody.
24:32What the fuck?
24:34Even if he did, I'd be like,
24:35eh, he gave me a turkey, you know?
24:40You haven't even publicly dated someone.
24:43And I'm not saying that you date white women in secret.
24:46I'm not saying that.
24:52But if you do, I'm willing to gain a hundred pounds.
25:05I'm just kidding.
25:06I'm more into basketball players.
25:08I'd rather get cheated on than killed.
25:14You got a decision to make, baby.
25:18Steve Fury, this is the most positive I've been
25:20that someone has paid for sex.
25:24And yes, Usama is from Bangladesh,
25:27so he actually eats pussy with his hands.
25:31Oh, yeah!
25:33Yeah!
25:34Yeah!
25:36Oh, shit!
25:37That's so good!
25:38That is a good job.
25:41Yeah, he's a whore.
25:43He even tells his right eye,
25:46I think we should see other people.
25:50Oh, my God!
25:52That's a perfect lazy eye check.
25:54And it's too bad you can't see Felicia Folk's smile.
25:57I love her smile.
25:58Sort of reminds me of Nicki's diet,
25:59you know, mostly gum.
26:01Oh!
26:05And now for the man who's pitted us all against each other,
26:08Kevin Hart!
26:10Yes!
26:13Obviously, we all know he had homophobic tweets
26:15about smashing a dollhouse over a gay kid's head,
26:19but then where would you live, Kevin?
26:28No, I think it's shitty Kevin couldn't host the Oscars
26:31because of a mistake from his past.
26:33Kevin loves gay people,
26:34even though they all got cut
26:36and there were none on the stage tonight.
26:41That's good.
26:42That's fucking good.
26:44That's fucking good.
26:47But, Kevin, I hope you can still have your moment
26:50because everyone I have here
26:52what would have been his 2019 Oscar opening monologue.
26:55Do we want to hear it?
26:57Yeah!
27:03Good evening, faggots.
27:10Sorry.
27:11I'm sorry.
27:13I'm sorry.
27:14I didn't read it before.
27:16Oops!
27:18Thank you so much!
27:20Yeah!
27:21He goes hard.
27:29Oh.
27:32Oscar monologue killed me.
27:34That was insane.
27:35That was funny.
27:36That was very...
27:39Good evening.
27:41Yeah.
27:42Yeah.
27:47I thought she was really gonna read a bunch of shit.
27:49And I was like...
27:52This next comic was out of the competition,
27:54but when another comedian dropped out,
27:56he answered the call.
27:58From New York,
27:59here's Reg Thomas!
28:07I want to thank Kevin Hart
28:10for having me be a part of this roast
28:11of Marshawn Lynch.
28:13Kevin Hart is one of a kind.
28:15He's the only black man in Hollywood
28:17who could crash a car
28:18and walk away with a tequila brand.
28:23Most niggas crash a car and get a court date.
28:27He promotes that tequila so much,
28:28I thought the name of his last special
28:30was Drink Responsibly.
28:33Which is hilarious,
28:34because drinking responsibly
28:35is the worst way to enjoy a Kevin Hart film.
28:38After three shots, she's like,
28:39this little nigga is funny.
28:42But with that being said,
28:43tonight is about Marshawn Lynch,
28:46one of the greatest running backs of all time.
28:54Marshawn, just based off your face alone,
28:56I want to give you some crayon and glue,
28:58just to see what you eat first.
29:03Have y'all seen Marshawn eating fucking Skittles?
29:05He's like,
29:05and here come white people.
29:08Oh, Marshawn.
29:10And I'm like, this nigga slow.
29:13That's Tizzle.
29:15There's a touch.
29:17There's a touch on that Tizzle.
29:18I'm going to now give my attention
29:20to the whitest comedian on the stage.
29:24Usama Hussain Siddiqui.
29:29When it comes to Usama,
29:30I feel so bad for his good eye.
29:34That good eye works harder than a single mother.
29:36That good eye's like,
29:37God damn!
29:38Can I get some help around here?
29:41It's just me!
29:42Throw it down.
29:44Throw it down on me.
29:47I'll get it fixed.
29:51Next, we have Winston.
29:52Winston's a really good guy.
29:54I met Winston's wife this week,
29:56and I'm going to be honest,
29:57I was shocked to find out
29:58that Winston was married to a woman.
30:02And then he asked me to fuck her in front of him,
30:04and I was like, that tracks.
30:09Next, we have the horniest comedian on the stage,
30:14Caitlin Palufo.
30:15You better believe it.
30:17Caitlin likes to get fucked in her ass
30:19because her pussy smells worse.
30:21Oh!
30:22Damn!
30:23Holy fuck!
30:25Good night.
30:34From Los Angeles, California,
30:37please make some noise for Ray Loud!
30:45What's up, people?
30:46How are ya?
30:52Marshawn Lynch.
30:53Marshawn Lynch, everybody.
30:55Man.
30:57Marshawn chose the number 24
30:59because that's the biggest number he knows.
31:03Kevin, I gotta be honest.
31:04I just wanna say,
31:05your comedy has been an inspiration for my comedy
31:07for a very long time,
31:08which is why I'm not successful yet.
31:09So I...
31:10Oh, shit!
31:12You're an inspiration.
31:13It's my dream to become a world-famous Verizon rep, too.
31:16You know, I want...
31:17I want that.
31:19Kevin, honestly, I mean,
31:20this whole show's been so amazing.
31:22You know, they always tell me,
31:23don't meet your heroes,
31:24so this show's been perfect.
31:25You know, I...
31:29You know, I wanna give you credit.
31:30Props, Kevin.
31:31I mean, people always forget
31:32Kevin is a stand-up comedian first, okay?
31:34He's not just a shitty actor.
31:39It's true.
31:40I mean, people love to hate on Kevin's comedy,
31:42but Kevin has nine stand-up comedy specials.
31:44If you watch them all in order,
31:46that's a good night's sleep, okay?
31:51One of Kevin's comedy heroes is Bill Cosby.
31:53That's where he learned how to put people to sleep, so...
31:55Okay.
31:56All right.
31:57All right.
31:59Okay.
32:00I mean, a lot of people here
32:01have been making Asian jokes about me.
32:03I mean, to be honest,
32:03I'm not even really Asian.
32:04I just need to squint to see Kevin that far away.
32:08Oh, there you are.
32:09Okay, great.
32:10I mean, Kevin,
32:11you look like you get picked up by the armpits
32:12to get your dick sucked.
32:13I don't know.
32:15I don't know.
32:19Doesn't it?
32:19I mean, just look at this.
32:20Look at that.
32:23I mean, Kevin,
32:24why do you always have the same stupid face
32:26for every movie poster?
32:27He always looks like The Rock just put it in.
32:29He's like...
32:32Every poster.
32:35Am I wrong?
32:37This is The Rock right behind him.
32:39This is The Rock.
32:39This is The Rock.
32:42Thanks, guys. I'm Ray Lau.
32:43Appreciate it so much.
32:45Oh, man.
32:52Some of this stuff is, like, borderline offensive,
32:54so I'm a little concerned about that.
32:56But that's what the job is.
32:57Uh-huh.
32:59Roasts are stand-up comedy.
33:00They're just jokes.
33:01It's just a different format.
33:02My fiancé and I split up.
33:03Are you ready to joke about it?
33:05Yeah, she did leave when I got on Netflix.
33:06It was a little bit odd.
33:07She stuck through the mics.
33:08I know you're supposed to leave her.
33:09Yeah, I'm supposed to leave her.
33:10I don't like roasting at all.
33:11You know Steven broke up with his fiancé, right?
33:14True that.
33:15So you gotta hit on that.
33:16You're really trying to figure out weaknesses
33:20in people's self-esteem that you can exploit.
33:24It is your job on a roast to go as hard as possible
33:27and to offend people.
33:29That's the job.
33:29Tell you what, who knew?
33:31So much goes into roasting.
33:33I didn't know it was that much of an art form.
33:35I thought it was just making people feel bad.
33:37I know.
33:37Oh, man.
33:38Got a lot of work to do.
33:41Okay, guys, let's keep the train going.
33:43From Brooklyn, New York.
33:45It's Eva Evans!
33:51Hi.
33:54Thank you for having me.
33:57Hello, everyone.
33:58My name is Eva Evans,
34:00and I'm the baddest bitch on this show.
34:04Well, I'm sorry.
34:05I'm the second baddest bitch after Usama.
34:10I'm so happy to see my brother Reg here.
34:12Love you, Reg.
34:15Reg is so short and dark.
34:17When he walked in, I thought he was the ghost of the baby I miscarried.
34:20Jesus!
34:24Marshawn!
34:26Maybe, I don't know shit about football.
34:27But let me tell you this.
34:28I was very excited to meet you because my homegirl told me you were fine.
34:33But now that I see you in person, I think she meant to say you were fined.
34:38Yeah.
34:39The NFL took, like, over a milli from you, right?
34:41Do you still have birth?
34:42Do you have any money, love?
34:43Me and the gold diggers want to know.
34:46Um...
34:47Kevin, I am so grateful for this opportunity.
34:50Thank you so much.
34:50I love you.
34:51You're welcome, Eva.
34:53I'm also very jealous of you because you got to kiss the rock before me.
34:58Y'all may not know this, but Kevin was definitely on Epstein's Island.
35:03But he was not mentioned in the files because they thought he was one of the kids.
35:11Yeah.
35:13Yeah.
35:13Eva, that's nice.
35:14Yeah.
35:15That's good.
35:17My good sis Felicia.
35:19I'm so glad to see that comedy is going well for you.
35:23Especially after you lost your syrup bottle job.
35:26Y'all give it up for Aunt Jemima.
35:28I'm kidding.
35:31Show her some love.
35:32Show her some love.
35:33Felicia gentrified her pussy.
35:35What?
35:37Yeah.
35:37But luckily for your white boyfriend,
35:39gout, diabetes, and high blood pressure are not sexually transmitted.
35:43Oh, my God.
35:47Winston wears contacts and glasses and still can't find the click.
35:53I don't understand how he got married.
35:55I really don't get it.
35:56I don't get it.
35:57Winston is from a small southern town.
36:00When he introduced his wife to his folks,
36:02they already knew her from being her parents too.
36:07Yeah, he married his sister.
36:11Usama, you look so damn good in that suit, babe.
36:13Usama is the only brown I want in my panties.
36:20Cause I know that dick is bomb.
36:24I'm talking out of this world.
36:26Trade center.
36:30I don't know what's more lazy.
36:33Felicia's personal trainer or Usama's left eye.
36:37My name is Eve Evans.
36:38Thank y'all for fucking with me.
36:45This next comic, from Detroit to Austin.
36:48Y'all give it up for Ron Taylor!
36:50Taylor!
37:04Well, listen, there's a lot of stars and stars to be here.
37:09Eva is here, Miss Eva.
37:13I don't want to say nothing that's going to get me Me Too,
37:16but if comedy don't work, and it won't,
37:21just know I would not be your only fan, okay?
37:27Brother Winston Hodges,
37:29just remember that I was nice to you, right?
37:33Winston is going to get a Netflix special one way or another.
37:36It might be a murder documentary,
37:40but that shit coming.
37:49And of course, the man in the hour, Marshawn Lynch.
37:52Yeah!
37:53Hell yeah!
37:58Marshawn, a Seahawks legend, right, right, right.
38:01Brother Kevin, a big fan of the Eagles,
38:04and Usama is a big fan of the New York Jets.
38:08Not the team.
38:11But the planes, okay.
38:14It's a 9-11 joke.
38:17Look, Marshawn just got the aura of a loose pit bull, dawg.
38:23Just make people scary.
38:24I think that's why white women love you, actually.
38:27Because white women love to rescue battered animals.
38:30So that...
38:33You're a wild boy.
38:34The lore of Marshawn Lynch is very interesting.
38:37It's like you was created, like, as a supervillain
38:39by a racist 9-year-old.
38:42Like, he's a big, strong black beast
38:44that runs off of Hennessy and Skittles.
38:46Like, okay.
38:50Marshawn was also on the Great American Baking Show.
38:52He got kicked off because he kept putting weed
38:54in all the cookies.
38:57They got weed in there.
38:59It's fitting that he wears dreads,
39:01because that's what he feels white women with
39:03when he walks next to them down the street.
39:07I'm sorry.
39:10Look, I'm gonna be real.
39:12Marshawn is the most Oakland person in the world, dawg.
39:15Like, there's no doubt about that.
39:17Like, Marshawn Lynch is what Ryan Coogler
39:21turns into on a full moon.
39:25In closing, look, I want to thank Kevin Hart
39:28for putting this together.
39:30Kevin!
39:32Kevin Hart looked like the slave you get for free
39:35when you buy Marshawn Lynch.
39:40Oh, my God.
39:41It's one of the best jokes I've ever heard.
39:46Just throw him in to sweeten the deal, you know?
39:48I'm like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
39:55That's good.
39:57Ladies and gentlemen,
39:59I'm a strong believer
40:01that whoever goes last on the roast
40:03deserves the most goddamn energy
40:05because you gotta go out with a bang.
40:09We're at the last comic, ladies and gentlemen.
40:11Can I get your energy in this building?
40:15I'm gonna ask you again,
40:17can I get some energy in a goddamn belt at one time?
40:25From Los Angeles, California,
40:27make some noise for Steve Fury!
40:34What is up?
40:36Yes!
40:37Ladies and gentlemen,
40:38Marshawn Lynch is a legend in the hood.
40:44To the suburbs,
40:45he's maybe one of the Ying Gang twins.
40:49Guys, Marshawn Lynch is so hood
40:51that he got his entire NFL salary through Cash App.
40:57Winston, Cash App is Venmo for black people.
41:01Black people are the people you don't let your daughter date.
41:07Yes!
41:08Give it up, guys.
41:10Ladies and gentlemen,
41:10your dumbest friend's favorite comedian, Kevin Hart!
41:16Kevin, if you're here,
41:18who's currently filming the worst movie I've ever seen?
41:22Kevin's dad was an avid crack smoker.
41:25What are the odds that he and his dad's best friend
41:27would be The Rock?
41:29Good shit.
41:30I like it.
41:30I like it.
41:31Guys, Kevin is the only person to score a triple-double
41:34in the Celebrity All-Star Game.
41:3510 points,
41:3610 assists,
41:37and 25 uppies.
41:41Ray Loud, great to see you.
41:43Not a lot of people know this,
41:45but Ray and Usama actually tied into
41:47whose food can stink up the break room worst contest.
41:52Guys, let's give it up for Usama,
41:54or as the women he fucks call him,
41:56Scumdog Millionaire.
41:59Damn.
42:01By the way, Usama,
42:02I love the TikToks,
42:03especially the ones where you're cooking
42:05with your feet on the street.
42:07Oh, shit!
42:08That yellow goop you guys make looks exquisite.
42:13Coincidentally, Ray's parents are also Asian.
42:16They're dishonored to be here tonight.
42:19Ray was supposed to follow in his family's footsteps
42:22of doing deep stretches in the park.
42:27That's fine.
42:28That's so good.
42:30Brooklyn Zone.
42:31Eva Evans, everyone.
42:32How special.
42:35Eva has been on BET,
42:37SiriusXM,
42:37BuzzFeed,
42:38VH1,
42:39and The Windy Williams Show.
42:41Folks,
42:41if there's something you don't give a fuck about,
42:43Eva's been a part of it.
42:48Felicia, folks, everybody.
42:50One of the sweetest and best people I've ever met.
42:52Oh, my God.
42:52Oh, my God.
42:54One of my best friends.
42:55Felicia talks a lot about how her hometown of Inglewood
42:58is getting gentrified.
42:59She's dating a white Jew.
43:01Felicia,
43:01the call is coming from inside the house.
43:06Felicia looks like an elementary school bus driver
43:08that yells,
43:08Y'all better not be playing on this motherfucking bus.
43:16You better not be.
43:22Guys, Ron lives in his van,
43:24so he might be the first person to have a Netflix special,
43:26but not be able to afford the account.
43:30I'm actually surprised Ron is here tonight.
43:33He's usually at the library charging up all his electronics.
43:38Marsha on a library is where you read free books.
43:42Gotcha.
43:43A book is like a playbook, but instead of pictures,
43:45they use words.
43:46Words are the things you can't spell.
43:50That's my time, everybody.
43:51Thank you very much.
43:57Well deserved.
43:59You guys all brought your form of comedy to the style of roasting,
44:03and that's what the challenge was about.
44:06I want to give a big thanks to Marshawn Liggs.
44:08Now, Nikki and I,
44:10we got to go make the hard decision to see who's moving on,
44:13and we got to also see who's going on.
44:15Thank you guys so, so much.
44:17Good night!
44:27I'm so glad this shit is over.
44:29Jesus Christ.
44:31They got the hardest job right now.
44:32You thought roasting was hard,
44:33but now trying to judge these guys.
44:34Yeah, yeah.
44:35That's insane.
44:36All right.
44:36All right, this is it.
44:38This is just tough.
44:39Yeah, it's tough.
44:40It's tough.
44:41I liked all of them.
44:42If you had to watch someone do comedy right now,
44:44who's set to you and watch?
44:46Usama was amazing.
44:47Hey, oh, yeah.
44:48Very, very strong.
44:49Yeah, he's got it.
44:50I like his comments.
44:50He really does.
44:51Yeah, Felicia killed.
44:53Caitlyn fucking destroyed.
44:54Caitlyn killed.
44:55Olivia.
44:55Olivia took some crazy chances, and they paid off.
44:59She was great.
45:00You know who was meaner than I thought?
45:01Olivia.
45:02Oh, yeah.
45:03Olivia was meaner than I thought she'd be.
45:04I was like, oh, shit.
45:06I said, yeah.
45:07Reg.
45:08I like the fact that Reg got a call to come in,
45:11but he was ready for the moment.
45:12He really was.
45:13What do we think about Eva?
45:16Maybe her jokes weren't the best jokes of the night,
45:20but I'm left, after watching her set,
45:22feeling like I had such a good time.
45:24To me, I like that.
45:25Who was trash?
45:26For me, it would probably be wrong.
45:28Yeah.
45:29I think he did it in his way,
45:30but his way was, it felt a little bit...
45:33It felt rushed.
45:34It didn't feel as prepared.
45:36He felt like he was phoning it in a little bit.
45:38I think he had the best joke of the night.
45:40Bro, bro, I think the slave joke was the best joke.
45:42I think it was the best joke of the night.
45:45It was literally amazing.
45:47I mean, Steve is an amazing kind of Steve.
45:48The thing about Steve is like,
45:49he just had too much and he didn't edit.
45:51It was like too much.
45:53Too wordy and...
45:54He's delivering it all down the barrel.
45:56Watch.
45:56I just wish Ray would have had more bits about martial arts.
46:00He didn't hit you.
46:01I don't think he embraced the full capacity
46:04of the assignment of doing the ropes.
46:06He didn't understand.
46:07All right, Nicki, I appreciate you.
46:09Oh, my God.
46:10You put in so much work.
46:11It was so much fun.
46:12I'm so proud of these guys.
46:13When we talk about cutting players and shit,
46:16it's exactly the way we go.
46:17Let me go and deliver it back.
46:18Yeah.
46:19We absolutely put it out there today,
46:21no matter what happens.
46:22We made it to top ten.
46:23That's it.
46:23We're winning.
46:25Ready?
46:26Top ten on three.
46:27One, two, three.
46:27Top ten!
46:29I feel good.
46:30Overall, I feel good, you know?
46:31It's a little nerve-wracking, obviously,
46:33a little anxiety-inducing,
46:35but that's par for the course at this point.
46:42I'm not a roaster.
46:43It's not my thing.
46:43It's not my specialty.
46:44I don't do this.
46:45Anything besides stand-up is not my comfort zone, so...
46:48I'm feeling nervous, not gonna lie.
46:50I feel proud of my work today.
46:51I know that I definitely put my best out there.
46:55This is a nightmare.
46:56I'm spiraling.
46:56I'm joking.
46:57I'm fine.
46:59But I think the beauty of what you guys did was embrace it.
47:02You embraced the idea of it
47:03while still staying true to your unique voice.
47:06That's what the challenge was about.
47:08This is a tough one, but it's supposed to be.
47:10If you didn't make it tough,
47:11then that means that you didn't really do your job.
47:14All right, so eight spots.
47:15Get to go on to the next round.
47:17Two of you will be going home.
47:19I'll start off by naming the spots
47:21that are being fulfilled for the next round.
47:24First name.
47:26Winston Hodges.
47:28Yeah!
47:31Great set, man.
47:32Very well written.
47:34Strong performance.
47:36Caitlin.
47:37Your personality seemed to get stronger,
47:39and the audience was in your hand.
47:44Olivia.
47:46You're a great example, I think,
47:47of what I mean when I say stay true to yourself.
47:50And I was very impressed
47:51at how you approached the podium.
47:54Felicia.
47:54Good job.
47:56Good job, man.
47:57I like how you kept it very personable.
48:01Lusama.
48:03The first comic out the gate,
48:05you set the tone.
48:07You really came out with a bang.
48:08I'm also going to put through Reg, man.
48:13Wow.
48:14Yeah!
48:16Hey, man, you came in prepared.
48:18You didn't look like a guy that was an alternate.
48:20So, congrats to you for seizing the fucking moment.
48:25All right, two spots left.
48:27I think between the last four,
48:30I can say that the conversation
48:32was very much aligned with you all.
48:35Nobody had a flat line.
48:36Nobody bombed.
48:38Steve, I'll tell you, I'll be honest,
48:40your set didn't start off strong.
48:42No.
48:43But you had a nice build,
48:44and I liked that you stayed in the pocket.
48:46Ron, I think that you could have
48:48went a little deeper into the comedy bag
48:50that Ron possesses.
48:52Even here's what I'm going to say about you, man.
48:54You have a very raw,
48:55I don't give a fuck,
48:56I'm confident in what I am and who I am.
48:59I did want to see more of you staying on the jokes
49:02and not moving through it so fast, right?
49:05You didn't hit the dais.
49:07You didn't hit Marshawn,
49:09but were you funny?
49:10Fuck yeah, you were funny.
49:12All right, two people move on to the next round.
49:15This is not an easy decision.
49:19My next choice to go through is...
49:22...
49:53You thought that it ended, admit it.
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