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00:03Good morning USA
00:06I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:10The sun in the sky has a smile on his face
00:13And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:19Oh boy, it's swell to say
00:22Good morning USA
00:25Good morning USA
00:33I love dim sum
00:35So many bites of delicious fun
00:38Spin the lazy Susan for another one
00:41Oh, there they are
00:43Oh, it's so good to see you
00:45Even under such awful circumstances
00:47I can't believe they're tearing down
00:50Winsome, Lose Some, Dim Sum
00:52They're tearing down all of Chinatown
00:54For what?
00:55Dumbass apartments no one wants to live in
00:58We're building New Chinatown Town
01:01Which I think is a great name
01:03Not to replace what came before it
01:05But to honor it
01:06That is why both cheesecake factories
01:09In New Chinatown Town
01:10Are renaming their world famous
01:13Bang Bang Chicken to
01:14Old Dirty Chinatown Chicken
01:17Man, Vic Mancuso is the best
01:20The confidence to wear Gatorskin shoes to a construction site
01:24I wish I had that
01:25Enough chitchat
01:26Let's eat
01:27Excited to try this place
01:28Never been here
01:29And I'm aspiring food vlogger Jake Eats
01:32I go to food places, sit in my car
01:34And film myself eating and talking about it
01:36All while masturbating just below frame
01:38Don't worry everybody
01:40I can handle the ordering
01:41We'll have a large meat lover's pizza
01:43Nine Oreo McFlurries
01:45A Bloomin' Onion
01:46And a pitcher of Mountain Dew Code Red
01:48Okay
01:49You know, Steve
01:50The history of Chinatown goes back all the way to the 15th century
01:55What?
01:56During the Ming Dynasty
01:58The sailor Zhang He
01:59Captained a great fleet
02:01Every ship
02:02Filled with treasure
02:04Treasure?
02:05Shh
02:05To show the world China's wealth
02:08He sailed to India
02:09And then to Africa
02:11And some people think he then sailed here
02:14How'd he sail on land?
02:16Now, you dummy
02:17Using his magical compass
02:19Zhang He sailed all the way to America
02:22And buried his treasure right here
02:25In Langley Falls
02:27And Chinatown grew over it?
02:29Yes, dummy
02:30Legend says there's an amulet
02:33That can lead you to the start
02:35And I have it
02:37Oops
02:38These are my dog tags
02:40From Madonna's Express Yourself Tour
02:42Ah, here
02:43I won it in a poker game
02:45I had three eights
02:47Baba
02:47Are you talking about treasure
02:50To my son?
02:51No
02:52We were talking about pleasure
02:54Right, Steve?
02:55Yeah
02:56Pleasure
02:57Why is it we always say
02:58It's a pleasure to meet you?
03:00It's a little early to know, right?
03:03Ugh
03:05Good cover, Steve
03:06Fifteen plates of chicken feet
03:08Gross
03:09What?
03:10Roger
03:11Hey, no way I ordered fifteen of these
03:13And I'm still waiting for that pitcher of Code Red
03:15Forget it, Jake Eats
03:17It's Chinatown
03:22Well, I don't think I'm beating that one
03:24See you next week
03:27It was so cool hanging with Mama and Baba the other day
03:30Don't think I didn't hear you two talking about treasure
03:33Most of my friends' grandparents are into lame stuff
03:36Like the show Blue Bloods and dying
03:39I love that Baba's into treasure hunting
03:41He's a fool
03:42Why are you so harsh on Baba?
03:44A fool, I say
03:45A fool of the highest order
03:48You know why, Steve?
03:49Because the treasure doesn't exist
03:52It's a bogus legend
03:54Possibly the dumbest treasure story ever told
03:58Sixty-two ships, all bigger than the Titanic
04:02All full of treasure, which they hauled by foot
04:05Forty-two miles to Langley Falls
04:11She's questioning how Baba got the magic amulet
04:14In a poker game with three-eighths
04:17Three-eighths?
04:18If you had something of immense value
04:21You don't put it down on a hand that could lose to three-eighths
04:25Okay, I get it
04:26The whole treasure thing's dumb
04:28Can we go?
04:29I've had to poop for five errands
04:34Holy cow, what a line
04:36Thanks for helping, guys
04:37I'm having a tough time launching my channel
04:40I've only put two videos up
04:41One's an out-of-focus video of my shoe
04:44And the other was when a wild turkey wandered into our yard
04:47Kind of blew up
04:48But it got demonetized because counting crows was playing in the background
04:51Don't worry
04:52All Haley and I do is watch TikTok
04:54Being a food vlogger is easy
04:56Make a bunch of noises while you eat
04:58Then say what you like about it
04:59It's your boy Jake Eats
05:01And I'm at the Chili Hat
05:02It's a burger place
05:03But they're known for their chili
05:06Let's take the lid off and get a good whiff
05:09A little spicy
05:11Let's go!
05:12Let's go!
05:13Let's go!
05:15Sorry, I'll go get some napkins
05:19They made me wait in line just for more napkins
05:22And did you get the chili too?
05:25I'll be back
05:26Leave the napkins!
05:27Catch!
05:31I'll get some more napkins too
05:38Where are you going with all those big menus?
05:41These are books on Chinese lore
05:43Just because Mom doesn't want to entertain Baba's sweet little treasure fantasy doesn't mean I can't
05:48That's exactly what it means
05:49Mom, don't you want me to connect with Baba?
05:52Of course!
05:54Just not over treasure
05:55Which is everything with him!
05:57That's why I forbid you to hang out with him!
06:00You're so unfair!
06:02And I did not like that thing you just did where you pretended to be nice and then changed!
06:09Wow, that was a lot to process
06:12I need to stop thinking for a while
06:16That's better
06:23Oh look, a note!
06:34Hey Steve, I'm sorry
06:39That little
06:40Ah!
06:43English leather and hot takis
06:46Baba
06:47Ah!
06:52Steve, you got my pigeon!
06:54My mom's gonna kill me if she sees I'm gone
06:56Not if we find a treasure
06:58Watching time go by
07:01Watching time go by
07:01Guarding the start
07:02According to legend
07:04The key to the entrance was an ancient sundial
07:07Unfortunately, I think they built that clock tower over it
07:12Then last night
07:13I remember seeing that the other day
07:17Watching time go by
07:19That lion's watching the old sundial
07:23Wait!
07:24Those books I read said that in Chinese culture
07:27It's bad luck to enter a lion by the mouth
07:30Then I guess that means your grandma isn't a lion
07:33Ugh!
07:34I'm serious
07:34It's why MGM Las Vegas had to change its original lion's head entrance
07:38Maybe it goes somewhere else?
07:41Steve, get your hand out of that lion's butt
07:43I knew I couldn't trust you, Baba!
07:46Come on, Steve, we're going home
07:57Oh my god, it's the entrance
07:59Come on, let's check it out
08:04Great, now I have to go save him
08:07Oh, boo hoo
08:08Francine has to go on an exciting treasure hunt
08:14Ugh, my bones
08:18Quit lying around you two
08:20That's treasure to find
08:32Wow, it's beautiful
08:34When I arrive, you can go
08:38These are Chinese numbers
08:41Maybe it's a date?
08:42Oh, to hear Jianghu came to America
08:45You know it, Franny
08:46Sing it
08:47Zheng He sailed for fun
08:49Came to Langley in 1421
08:51That's it!
08:53Although extremely lacking in pizazz
09:05Are we thinking this water's a good thing?
09:08Whisk us away to the next area?
09:09Oh yeah, it'll whisk us away
09:12To our deaths
09:13Mom, you're doing the nice to mean thing
09:15This makes no sense
09:17All the research points to 1421
09:19Damn it, Baba!
09:21Your stupid obsession is gonna get us killed
09:23Stupid obsession?
09:25We're probably 50 feet from all the treasure of 15th century China
09:2915th century China?
09:32We're idiots!
09:33They didn't use the same calendar as us
09:37Our 1421 was their 4118
09:41We are so stupid!
09:52Few more seconds and I'd have brain damage
09:54Wait, do I have brain damage?
09:57Ask me snot's social security number
09:59985-007199
10:01Oh, thank God
10:31Good to see you again
10:36Chili, please
10:37Chili check!
10:37Ha!
10:38Still funny
10:39I got chili checked again
10:41I gotta hop back in line
10:43Oh no, looks like the shark's nest just let out
10:46They must have given up three touchdowns in the fourth quarter
10:49So everyone's cashing in their free cheer up chili
10:51Sometimes when you lose you really win
10:55Hey, there's still some chili in here
10:57Chili check!
11:01Look the door!
11:05But look!
11:06Moonlight!
11:07A way out!
11:08This whole place is falling in on itself
11:11We gotta get out of here
11:12Get out?
11:13We're closer now than we've ever been
11:15We'll finally be crazy rich Asians
11:18Just like in that movie
11:19Parasite
11:20This is what you always did
11:22Put treasure ahead of everyone
11:24You wasted my whole childhood training me for treasure hunting
11:29Rock climbing
11:30Chinese lore
11:32Krav Maga
11:33Dislocating my limbs to fit through tight spaces
11:36Well, can I offer one rebuttal in my defense?
11:40What?
11:46Go!
11:46Go!
11:46Woo!
11:49I think of all the good times that I've missed
11:52But that sweet treasure I just cannot resist
11:58Ow!
12:00I got it bad, got it bad, got it bad, got it bad
12:03I'm hot for treasure
12:14Take it, Steve!
12:17God!
12:21Come on!
12:22We're gonna get smushed!
12:26Let's go, Steve!
12:27We can still get the treasure!
12:30Sorry, Mom!
12:31Steve!
12:32No!
12:35I must have slid weird
12:37Look away, Baba!
12:42Vic Mancuso!
12:44Vic Mancuso!
12:45Vic Mancuso!
12:46Thank God you're working in the dead of night
12:50I know this sounds crazy
12:52But my father and son are stuck underground in a dangerous web of treasure tunnels!
13:00Please, calm down.
13:01Step into my little portable construction office thingy
13:05I don't know what they're called
13:07Do you?
13:08Let's just go inside
13:09I don't get why Mom's still upset
13:12You were right about everything
13:15There's another room down there
13:18Not again!
13:22Oh, my spine!
13:24My precious spine!
13:27Sorry, what were you saying?
13:29Something about a tiger's butt?
13:31Lion's butt!
13:32The lion statue right here in the square!
13:35Please, excuse my silk hon-fu robe
13:38I'm in the middle of one of my many daily suit changes
13:41Of course
13:41I see you've noticed from my object dart and Jackie Chan posters
13:46That I appreciate fine Chinese things
13:49I could watch Rush Hour 2 all day!
13:53Yeah, it's a great movie
13:54I'm gonna need some henchmen in here
13:55Wait, what?
13:57Francine, I didn't buy old dirty Chinatown just to turn a profit
14:01If the legends are true, Zheng He's mythical compass is right below us
14:07With that power, I could redevelop the world
14:11Wait a second!
14:14You're a bad guy!
14:16Listen up!
14:17This lady, a grandpa, and some dumb kid found the entrance to the treasure before you!
14:23You knew about the treasure?
14:25Now it will be super easy to catch up to your family, force the old guy to lead us to
14:30the treasure, and kill them
14:33Sometimes I'm so smart, and sometimes I'm so dumb!
14:38Also, guys, I think getting outsmarted by this group of ragtags is another example of how our hybrid work schedule
14:45is just not working
14:46Henchmen work is something best done in person
14:49Everyone's gotta start coming in more
14:51No more Zoom!
14:52Sorry, boss!
14:54You cut out for a second!
14:55What'd you say?
14:56Ugh!
14:57Never mind
15:03You do anything to my son, and I swear I will find you, and I will hurt you!
15:10You can do whatever you want to my dad
15:12Oh, you're not going anywhere
15:14You sure you're good to watch her, Trevor?
15:17Yeah, I'm good, Vic!
15:18It's just like I'm there!
15:19She pulls anything, I'll slack you!
15:22Now it's time to catch these dorks, get Zheng He's compass, and become the most powerful real estate developer in
15:29the world!
15:29Right after I change my suit one more time, I'm just worried this one won't go with the compass
15:36I'm telling you, Steve, Mama is insatiable
15:40Please stop!
15:41I should've stayed with Mom, and I gotta pee
15:44That's like the eighth time you had to pee!
15:46So anyway, I don't know if it's her or just my sex appeal, but Mama can go all night!
15:53Oh my god, stop!
16:01Hey Trevor, do I hear the bluey theme song in the background?
16:05Didn't you tell your daughter no more screen time?
16:08Are you kidding me, Presley?
16:15Hey, Presley was asleep!
16:18Later, Trevor. I gotta save my son!
16:22Oh no, you were lying!
16:24Gotta stop trusting everyone, Trevor!
16:37My Chinese is a little rusty. This either means quick way or quick death. I'll take my chances.
16:49Weeeeee!
16:51Another pee puddle? They must have a dog or something.
16:56But, if you really want to juice your grandma's orange...
17:00Mommy!
17:01Shh!
17:02Pancuso's henchmen are all over the place!
17:04The guy rebuilding Chinatown?
17:06He's only doing it to get his hands on Zheng He's compass!
17:09Let's get moving before one of them catches up to us!
17:12Too late.
17:14We can take these guys!
17:17Okay, I got this.
17:20Krav Maga!
17:21Throat punch! Throat punch! Throat punch!
17:24I mostly do throat punches.
17:26Good thing these guys all had throats.
17:29Okay, okay, okay! We are clean!
17:32We have the chili! Let's do this!
17:35Burgers, more burgers, fries...
17:38They forgot the chili!
17:43That's chili, huh?
17:45Damn it, she did say, be careful, the chili is under the burgers.
17:48She said it twice, actually.
17:51This can't be the end! It doesn't make sense!
17:54I'm gonna go pee again.
17:56You know, I didn't have to include you in my treasure obsession when you were growing up.
18:00I did it because I enjoy spending time with you.
18:03I like spending time with you, too!
18:06The problem was, once it wasn't treasure-related, you didn't want to spend time with me anymore.
18:11I'm sorry.
18:12I just thought if I could get the treasure, I could give you and your sister and your mom a
18:17better life!
18:18I think I would have just preferred you more in the life we did have.
18:22Uh, guys? I think my pee found something!
18:26Maybe we have to twist this rock?
18:28I'm not touching pee.
18:29Me either!
18:31Ah! Steve has pee hands!
18:34Pee pee hands, kid!
18:39There's an indentation. We need to fill it with something.
18:42Not just something, Zheng He's lucky gold medallion.
18:46Didn't we use that to get in here?
18:48No, that was Zheng He's amulet. I'm talking about Zheng He's medallion.
18:53Which I gave to you for your 12th birthday.
18:56No, you gave me...
18:59My necklace!
19:00I knew you'd keep it safe.
19:21Jungho's compass!
19:23It's magnificent!
19:25And it's all magnifi-mine!
19:29Now, I'll have the power to develop the whole world into a crappy, mixed-use retail space
19:36where parking is only free for the first 30 minutes and no validations ever!
19:46Where?!
19:47Jia Han!
19:58An exit!
20:02You don't need that!
20:04You already have treasure.
20:07And so do I.
20:17Win some, lose some, dim some!
20:20Let's go some!
20:33You fools! I had it in my hands!
20:40I saved that dummy's life just so he could die?
20:43Hey, Baba, I have one question.
20:46What were you gonna do without my necklace?
20:49Steve, I knew you'd show up.
20:53Suckers! Should've gone back in!
21:05What up? It's your boy Jake Eats!
21:08And I'm here to tell you what I think of the Chili Hat.
21:14Go to the Chili Hat.
21:26Suckers!
21:28Well, guess we'd better find a way home.
21:30Chili Jack!
21:32Bye-bye. See you soon!
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