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The End 2026 S01E03 Alls Well That Ends Well H 264
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00:00:17Welcome to the end!
00:00:41Every one of these guys is amazing. I know you guys love them, so when they come up here, give
00:00:45them all the love in the world and go with it. Don't judge them. I mean, judge them horribly, but
00:00:48fucking enjoy it while you're there. We're all in a fucking sweet, iconic place, so let's do this.
00:01:00Ladies and gentlemen, you know I'm as half of the Tuesdays with Stories podcast. One of my best friends, Mr.
00:01:07Joe List, everybody! Give her a round of applause!
00:01:18I used to have a serious drinking problem. That's crucial for this story.
00:01:23And, um, this is a story about, uh, one time when I was, I had a girlfriend, a very serious
00:01:29girlfriend. I thought it was serious. She didn't think it was that serious, evidently, but we lived together and then
00:01:34she broke up with me and I tried to get back out there. That's what you gotta do. You gotta
00:01:37go, you know what I mean? Find some other fish.
00:01:42I wasn't confident. I wasn't confident. I was never good at getting laid. Like, I was like, nobody told me
00:01:46that I could get laid or maybe you're thinking you couldn't, whatever.
00:01:50Like, one time I was on a date with a woman and I farted. I didn't know that was a
00:01:53big deal. Like, we were chatting and I was like, ah, and I just farted.
00:01:58And then she went, ugh, try harder.
00:02:01And I was like, if I try harder, I'm gonna shit my pants, but I'll do, I'll do my best.
00:02:06I don't wanna...
00:02:08So I had this girlfriend. So I'm prefacing, I had a girlfriend that I was, like, madly in love with.
00:02:13I thought she was in love with me, whatever.
00:02:15But one time, did you ever have this in a relationship where everything was going great and I felt like,
00:02:20oh man, she loves me.
00:02:21And she left her Gmail open one time. So I was like, let me search my name to see what
00:02:25she's been saying about me.
00:02:26And you guys are already like, that's a fucking horrible idea.
00:02:30But I didn't think, we weren't together that long. I didn't think there would be, like, anything bad because we
00:02:34were so madly in love.
00:02:36And then I found a conversation that confirmed we were in love.
00:02:39It was her and her best friend talking. And she's talking to her best friend.
00:02:42She said, I just met this guy. He's the funniest guy I've ever met.
00:02:45I mean, folks. Right?
00:02:48She said, he's so sweet, unattractive, but just a great guy.
00:02:54That's what I read. So she thinks I'm ugly.
00:02:56And I was like, fucking, this is horrible.
00:02:59Then she came home and she's like, how you doing? You look great.
00:03:01And I was like, fucking, do I, bitch? Do I look great?
00:03:07And so I was obviously heartbroken, but I didn't want to bring it up to her because I didn't want
00:03:10her to know I was looking at her shit, you know?
00:03:12And I was telling my buddy. My buddy's like, dude, you got to break up with this woman.
00:03:15Like, this is awful. She doesn't find you attractive.
00:03:17And I'm like, well, this isn't a great time to break up and go hit the scene.
00:03:22Like, I'm not brimming with confidence after I found out the love of my life describes me as unattractive.
00:03:28That's not, like, a great time to be like, fuck you, bitch. I'm going out there, you know?
00:03:34So anyways, it was bad. But then she ended up moving away.
00:03:37She moved to Argentina. She was one of those women that's like, I'm just going for it.
00:03:42First she was like, I'm moving to Argentina. And I was like, what's that, upstate?
00:03:46It's in South America. It's a whole thing.
00:03:48So she left and I was devastated, very heartbroken.
00:03:50But I was like, you got to meet someone, find someone, go get laid, whatever.
00:03:54And I didn't like anybody, you know? I was, like, heartbroken.
00:03:57But then I worked at a comedy club here in New York City that's now gone, but it's called Caroline's.
00:04:02I don't know why I'm hiding the...
00:04:03Yeah, Caroline, yeah, fucking...
00:04:06All right.
00:04:08Well, there was a woman that worked at the door.
00:04:10If you remember, you remember the club.
00:04:12Upstairs, there was, like, a little window where the ticket lady worked.
00:04:14And I had kind of a nice rapport. I'm a very charming guy.
00:04:17I'd be like, hey, could you rip this in half for me or something?
00:04:19And she'd be like, ha-ha, whatever, you know?
00:04:22And I thought, maybe this could be the girl.
00:04:25She's way better than that bitch that I'm in love with who thinks I'm ugly.
00:04:31So anyways, one time, all the comics were talking.
00:04:33We're like, well, we'll just invite her out in a group, which is better than a date, you know?
00:04:37Because you don't have to ask the person out.
00:04:38You get to show off your personality.
00:04:40So we had a big group hang going.
00:04:42And I went out, and I was like, I got to pregame a little bit.
00:04:45And long story short, I did a bunch of shots and beers and got a good glaze going.
00:04:52Like a nice 15 drinks before the hang, you know?
00:04:56So then we all met up.
00:04:56We went to this old bar called Barcelona Bar.
00:04:58I don't know if you guys ever went there.
00:05:00It's in New York City.
00:05:00I think it's still there, maybe.
00:05:02Is it still there?
00:05:03It's a great bar.
00:05:04It's a shot bar.
00:05:05They specialize in shots.
00:05:06Like, they have a big menu.
00:05:07Like, there's a Harry Potter shot, and they put a hat on, and they light shit on fire
00:05:12and say, woogly-doo, or whatever.
00:05:14I don't know.
00:05:17Despite my look, I've never actually seen or read Harry Potter.
00:05:20I don't.
00:05:20I look like I'm in the fucking thing.
00:05:22I don't know anything about it.
00:05:22But, and then there's like a Top Gun shot, and they play like, do-do-do.
00:05:26It's a great bar.
00:05:27Go, leave this in.
00:05:28Plug it, plug away for Barcelona Bar.
00:05:30There's a full metal jacket where they put on a helmet and call you a faggot or something.
00:05:33It's like, really, like, they're like, you motherfucker, get down.
00:05:36And you're like, ah, it's, it's a fun place.
00:05:41And we used to go, and I used to do, my favorite shot was the Golden Girls shot, because I
00:05:45love
00:05:45that song.
00:05:46It's like my favorite song ever.
00:05:47The fucking, uh, thank you for being a friend.
00:05:50Ba-ba-ba.
00:05:51And so I would order that.
00:05:52They don't do anything.
00:05:53They don't put on wigs or make any funny jokes.
00:05:56They just play the song.
00:05:59So anyways, I thought it'd be, I'm like, give me, I kept lining up Golden Girls shots.
00:06:02And then after a while, I was, like, just visibly in a blackout, because I love Golden
00:06:07Girls theme song.
00:06:09And I was like, one more round of fucking Golden Girls, because that's how I thought you get
00:06:13laid.
00:06:13You show off your love for the Golden Girls theme.
00:06:18And then I went to the bathroom and just threw up in the sink, which is hilarious also, by
00:06:22the way.
00:06:23I mean, you guys probably already are like, that's a weird place.
00:06:25Because there's a toilet, and I was like, I'm going sink.
00:06:27It's a little higher.
00:06:29And then somebody went in and was like, somebody threw up in the sink.
00:06:31And I was like, fucking sons of bitches.
00:06:34What the hell?
00:06:35And I just, yeah, I was like, who the fuck would do that?
00:06:38Anyways.
00:06:39Then after I had thrown up, I was like, let me get another round of Golden Girls.
00:06:42You guys want to hear the song?
00:06:44And finally the bartender went, you know, we could just play the song if you want.
00:06:48You don't have to drink the shot.
00:06:49And I was like, really?
00:06:50And he's like, yeah, just put on the fucking song so this guy.
00:06:55Anyways, at this point, I should let you know, the next day, this is on a, I forget,
00:06:58it doesn't matter what night of the week, maybe a Sunday or something.
00:07:01And the next day, I was flying to Seattle, Washington, which is a long flight, if you're
00:07:06not familiar with the country.
00:07:09We're here in New York.
00:07:10This was in New York City.
00:07:11And I was flying, and I was going to Seattle for one full month.
00:07:14There's a Seattle comedy competition.
00:07:16It's like a legendary contest.
00:07:17It's a month long.
00:07:18So I was about to fly across the country for 30 days, hadn't packed, and I had a 10.30
00:07:24a.m. flight, and it's like 2 in the morning.
00:07:27And they're like, we're going downtown to 13th Step, which is a bar.
00:07:31I'm just plugging all the bars.
00:07:32Oh, yeah, you know that one?
00:07:33All right.
00:07:33Okay, great.
00:07:35So we went down there.
00:07:35My friend is a bartender there, Jason Cantor, wonderful comedian.
00:07:38He was the bartender, and I was like, he could hook us up.
00:07:41And I keep thinking, I'm going to get laid.
00:07:43They know I love the Golden Girls.
00:07:45They know I'm fun.
00:07:47Now they're going to see me getting hooked up at a bar.
00:07:49I got friends in high places, you know?
00:07:51So we went down there, and now it starts to get a little hazy.
00:07:55We're playing beer pong.
00:07:56I'm like kind of brown out.
00:07:57At one point, I remember I was sitting talking to this woman at the bar.
00:08:00Finally, I had some one-on-one time.
00:08:02And I was this kind of drunk.
00:08:03I kept telling her, I was like, you hate me.
00:08:06You fucking, you know those people that's like, you fucking hate me.
00:08:09I can tell.
00:08:09I suck.
00:08:10I was like that guy.
00:08:11And then she went to the bathroom, and my buddy was the bartender.
00:08:14And he's like, dude, you've got to stop saying that.
00:08:16She likes you.
00:08:16That's why she's talking to you.
00:08:18And I was like, that's fucking, that's a great point, man.
00:08:22And then she came back, and I went, you fucking love me.
00:08:24You're fucking in love with me.
00:08:26It's so obvious.
00:08:28And so that was kind of where I was as a drunk.
00:08:30And then I realized, oh, my God, I've got to fly to Seattle.
00:08:33And I had about 15 friends there.
00:08:35Friends and then friends of friends.
00:08:36And so I said, I've got to go.
00:08:38I've got a big flight.
00:08:39We got each other's number.
00:08:40Great night.
00:08:41You fucking, thank you for being my friend.
00:08:43And then I left.
00:08:45And now I don't know what happened the next hour and a half.
00:08:49But evidently, I showed back up at the bar like 90 minutes later.
00:08:53It's now like 3.30 in the morning.
00:08:54And I just walked in.
00:08:56And this is only, I'm telling you from people that have told me.
00:08:58And then I walked in.
00:08:59They were like, where, I thought you left.
00:09:01And I went, I did.
00:09:02And then I just went to the bar.
00:09:04So I don't know where I went.
00:09:05I was gone for 90 minutes in the East Village somewhere.
00:09:08But I showed back up.
00:09:09Eventually, my friend, another friend, a comedian, he was like,
00:09:13we all lived in Astoria, Queens, these two women and me and my buddy.
00:09:16And so he said, we're going, we're going back to Astoria.
00:09:19Somehow, I was charming enough to get invited back to these women's house.
00:09:24So then we're outside of a bodega, right outside of their apartment, like downstairs.
00:09:29And now I kind of came to, I'm buying beer, which is hilarious because I've already been throwing up.
00:09:33And I'm barfing outside in front of the apartment.
00:09:36My buddy was like slapping me.
00:09:37He's like, hey, man, you got to get your act together.
00:09:39We're going upstairs.
00:09:40And I was like, all right, I got it.
00:09:41Let me get some beers.
00:09:42So we go up.
00:09:43The last thing I kind of remember is sitting on their couch watching TV, possibly Golden Girls.
00:09:48Hard to know.
00:09:49I remember this song in my head.
00:09:52Anyways, I woke up and it's about, I don't know, I have a 10.30 a.m. flight.
00:09:56I wake up.
00:09:58It's about 9.45 a.m.
00:10:01And I'm about 45 minutes from the airport.
00:10:03I wake up.
00:10:04And what I remember most distinctly is I had to piss so bad.
00:10:08Like, you know when you have 58 beers and you're just like, I am going to piss my pants.
00:10:12And I was in a woman's bed.
00:10:13I just knew I was in a bed in my underwear.
00:10:16And I couldn't find my glasses.
00:10:18I'm a glasses wearer, Harry Potter.
00:10:19I couldn't find them.
00:10:21And I was like, I'll find them later.
00:10:22Because if I piss in this woman's bed, I'll never get another date.
00:10:27So I found the bathroom.
00:10:28And I just remember urinating for about, oh, 10, 15 minutes straight.
00:10:32One of those pisses.
00:10:34And thinking through the night, like, where am I?
00:10:36How did I get here?
00:10:38What's going on?
00:10:39I don't feel great.
00:10:41I have a flight soon.
00:10:43I haven't found my phone yet.
00:10:45I finish pissing.
00:10:46And then I walk through the living room.
00:10:47And the table is just destroyed.
00:10:50Like, just Chris Farley.
00:10:51Like, the legs are broken.
00:10:53It's smashed.
00:10:54There's grass.
00:10:54And I don't know if you ever had this when you were drinking.
00:10:56Where you see something and you're like, that was me.
00:10:59I feel like that was me.
00:11:00Like, you know that?
00:11:02I don't know what happened here, but that's got my fingerprints all over it.
00:11:06That feels like it might have been.
00:11:07And now I'm starting to get this feeling.
00:11:08I think this might not have gone my way.
00:11:12But I'm like, it doesn't matter.
00:11:14I've got to get the fuck out of here.
00:11:15Because I haven't packed.
00:11:16And my flight leaves in 11 minutes.
00:11:18And I live an hour from the airport.
00:11:21So I go back into the bedroom.
00:11:22I retrace my steps.
00:11:23Which was easy to do.
00:11:24Because there was footprints leading back.
00:11:27And the footprints consisted of human shit.
00:11:32Yeah.
00:11:33Which is another one of those.
00:11:34I think this might have been me, too.
00:11:35So I just saw little brown speckles through the kitchen and went, oh, boy, listen, they probably
00:11:43got a dog, surely, I bet.
00:11:45And then I walked in to the bedroom where I had been.
00:11:48And there was a pair of high-top Nike sneakers with about an eight-inch spiky shit just sitting
00:11:54on the top.
00:11:56Just hanging on the shoe.
00:11:58I'm the bad guy in the story.
00:11:59I know that.
00:12:00I don't want you guys to think.
00:12:02And then also, right next to that, the shoes were, like, together like this, too.
00:12:06Like, very neatly put together.
00:12:07Big shit sticking out.
00:12:08It had broken off on top, because I walked through it, of course.
00:12:12And then there was a big, round puddle of piss.
00:12:15And it was the same thing of, like, well, that was me also, I feel like.
00:12:19So I found my glasses, found my phone.
00:12:22I realize it's about 10.15.
00:12:23I'm in big trouble.
00:12:25Immediately, I text the woman.
00:12:26I go, oh, my God, I'm so, so sorry.
00:12:29I will kill myself.
00:12:31That's my promise to you.
00:12:33I'm a piece of shit.
00:12:35And then I put the phone away and start trying to clean up the shit.
00:12:38But I'm also in a hurry, because I've got to catch this flight, by God.
00:12:42So I took my socks, and I put them on, like a puppet, and kind of, I picked up the
00:12:48biggest
00:12:48pieces I could find, like a little, like a shit-eating sock puppet, you know?
00:12:53And then I turned the sock inside out, tossed that in the trash, their trash, and I tried
00:13:01to wipe it off the floor, but it was pretty in there, you know?
00:13:04I did what I could.
00:13:07And then as I'm getting ready to find my stuff and leave, I hear, and it's a,
00:13:11a text, and I open the phone, and it's from the woman, and she wrote back, don't worry
00:13:15about it.
00:13:17It was, we all get a little crazy sometimes.
00:13:20And I thought, this fucking girl parties.
00:13:23Like, this is, this lady's hardcore.
00:13:25All right.
00:13:26So I'm off the hook.
00:13:27I put the phone in, run to my house, pack, go to the airport.
00:13:30Obviously, I miss my flight.
00:13:32And now, this is where comedians are both great friends and horrible friends.
00:13:36Because I texted one comedian, and I was like, I shit all over this girl's shoe in a first
00:13:40date.
00:13:41And he wrote, dude, I've done that like six times.
00:13:44So you're like, oh, all right.
00:13:45Maybe that's not so bad.
00:13:46And then, you guys probably know Nate Bargatze, good friend of mine.
00:13:50Well, he had been there earlier in the night, and I called him, and he laughed harder than
00:13:55I've ever heard anybody laugh.
00:13:56For like, 25 minutes straight.
00:13:58Just belly laughing, crying.
00:14:01And between these two calls, I'm like, maybe I'm not such a bad guy.
00:14:04I'm hilarious.
00:14:07So I fly across the country.
00:14:08It's a six and a half hour flight.
00:14:10I'm flying.
00:14:10I'm in a middle seat, by the way.
00:14:11Haven't showered.
00:14:13But I'm kind of relaxed.
00:14:14And back then, you had to be on airplane mode.
00:14:16There was no Wi-Fi.
00:14:17So I'm kind of relaxing.
00:14:18The woman didn't seem too mad.
00:14:20Nate thinks it's hilarious.
00:14:22My other buddy's done it a few times himself.
00:14:24So I'm relaxing.
00:14:25I fold my leg over like this.
00:14:27There's shit all the way up my jeans.
00:14:31So I just kind of quietly put it back down, just like, oh.
00:14:36And then I had to kind of pretend I was farting.
00:14:38Like, I was like, oh, my belly, boy.
00:14:40Because I didn't want them to be like, this guy has shit on him.
00:14:43So I was kind of, oh, jeez, wow.
00:14:47I land, turn my phone off.
00:14:48Remember back in those days, when you turn your phone off airplane mode,
00:14:51it would take a few minutes to get your texts.
00:14:53So I was sitting there, and I'm like, well, nobody's tech.
00:14:55About five, ten minutes pass.
00:14:58Open my phone.
00:14:59And it says, oh, my God.
00:15:01We had no idea how bad this was.
00:15:04Jesus.
00:15:05Because now it's like 5.30, in which I realize I must have done this at, like, during working hours.
00:15:12Like, these women had left their apartment with me just quietly sleeping.
00:15:17And at, like, 9.45 a.m., sun out, I just took a shit in a sneaker.
00:15:24But she was like, we didn't realize how bad it was.
00:15:26And at that moment, I was like, this makes more sense.
00:15:30That's the appropriate response.
00:15:33So long story short, I felt fucking horrible, obviously.
00:15:37And I went, I was in Seattle for a month.
00:15:39By the way, I did a show that night.
00:15:41I couldn't shower because I had to go straight to the venue because the flight was, I missed my flight.
00:15:45So I went straight to the contest.
00:15:47Did a set with shit on my pant legs.
00:15:50Came in first place that night.
00:15:53Great set.
00:15:54Set of my life.
00:15:57That's now my lucky thing.
00:15:58Whenever I have a big show, I shit on my pant leg a little bit.
00:16:01Sorry, ladies.
00:16:02Anyways, do the show.
00:16:04I went home.
00:16:05I took the best shower ever.
00:16:06Unless you've been in war and hid under a dead body for a couple days, you've never taken a shower
00:16:11as good as shit on your own pants flew across the country.
00:16:15Had to pull shit out of my leg hair and stuff it into the drain at my friend's house.
00:16:20So then I was like, I gotta, I gotta make amends here.
00:16:23I gotta solve, I gotta, you know, come up with something.
00:16:26So I sent like a long Facebook message just being like, I tried to find it, but she's off of,
00:16:32she's probably maybe dead now.
00:16:33I have no idea, but I sent a long apology and she wrote back, it's okay.
00:16:39By the way, these girls were like 22 years old, which helped me.
00:16:42If they were 40, I would have been shot.
00:16:44I think at 22, you're like, whoa, that's a fun story.
00:16:47And so I got a, I got like a birthday card because it's the only card I could get.
00:16:51At the time I was broke and I put $300 in cash.
00:16:54That was all the money I had.
00:16:55And I put $300 in cash and wrote, I'm so sorry.
00:16:59Hope this buys you a new pair of sneakers.
00:17:02And then before I sent it, I was like, is 300 like high?
00:17:05That feels, is that crazy?
00:17:07So I called my friend Nate Bargatze and I go, do you think 300, is that going to be weird?
00:17:10Because I'd like to have another date with this woman.
00:17:14And he just said, I don't think there's an amount that's too high after you shit at somebody's shoe.
00:17:20So I sent her the 300 bucks.
00:17:22We never went on another date, but it was quite cordial after that.
00:17:24She thought it was funny.
00:17:25I hope she still does.
00:17:26I don't know where she is, but I'm sober and married now.
00:17:32So it's all as well that ends well.
00:17:33Thank you guys so much.
00:17:35This was so much fun.
00:17:36Thanks a lot.
00:17:38Joe Liss, everybody.
00:17:50Ladies and gentlemen, this next young woman is so fucking funny.
00:17:53She's going to be massive.
00:17:54She's going to be a fucking huge name.
00:17:55Please, I'm welcome to the stage, Miss Jordan Jensen, everybody.
00:17:58Let her hear it.
00:18:06My story, I got arrested.
00:18:08That's my story.
00:18:09Bye.
00:18:11No, I used to be a kleptomaniac.
00:18:13Thank you so much.
00:18:15And I was also a contractor.
00:18:18I'm not gay.
00:18:19I'm just very cool.
00:18:19This is for you, baby girl.
00:18:23No, but if you're a woman, you can go into like any Home Depot and leave carrying like a full
00:18:27table saw.
00:18:29You can take whatever you want.
00:18:30And they'll hold.
00:18:30They're like, they do it for you, my lady.
00:18:32It's crazy.
00:18:33I actually recommend trying it.
00:18:34So my racket was, I would be like, okay, I'll build you a porch for five grand.
00:18:39Two grand of materials.
00:18:40And you'd be like, that's a steal.
00:18:41That's only three grand for the porch.
00:18:43I'd be like, I know.
00:18:43Little did you know, it was a steal.
00:18:46And I would steal, I would steal all of the lumber and then I would keep your 2K.
00:18:51You know what I mean?
00:18:52And the other money also, I guess.
00:18:56And I didn't care.
00:18:57Like, I had been to jail multiple times.
00:18:59I had been arrested multiple times.
00:19:00I had been not in jail.
00:19:02I'd been in like the holding.
00:19:03What's that called?
00:19:03Drunk tank?
00:19:04Drunk tank?
00:19:05Multiple times.
00:19:05Like, it didn't frighten me.
00:19:06And I think the reason why I wasn't afraid of like authority is because I had crippling OCD.
00:19:12So I had my own authority.
00:19:13You know what I mean?
00:19:14Does that make sense?
00:19:15Like, I would be carrying huge amounts of stolen merchandise, like thousands of dollars.
00:19:19But then I would be like going to my truck, tiptoeing over cracks, being like, I have to have a
00:19:23positive thought about my mommy.
00:19:26Oh, she's going to be in a big trouble.
00:19:30And my big OCD thing at the time was I was, I was worried that I was going to bite
00:19:38people.
00:19:41And the reason why, here's the thing.
00:19:45I still have this a little bit, okay?
00:19:47Like, the other day I went to, I was at a dinner with famous people and Laura Dern was there.
00:19:52And I got, I started having a panic attack because I thought I was going to bite.
00:19:57Laura Dern!
00:19:58What happens then?
00:20:00What happens then?
00:20:01Then I'm the person who bit Laura Dern?
00:20:04You know what I mean?
00:20:05So I was really scared about that.
00:20:07And it was like, it was just starting before this trip.
00:20:09And my big fear was that on airplanes, I was going, as soon as it took off, I was going
00:20:13to start biting people.
00:20:14That was my big fear.
00:20:15I don't know why, man.
00:20:16I think it's weird that they, airplanes are bizarre.
00:20:19How they lock you in a tube and they're like, see you all in six hours.
00:20:22Nobody be weird.
00:20:23Bye.
00:20:23That's, it's a little crazy.
00:20:26When they put me next to the emergency, don't pull this lever sign, I'm flop sweating there.
00:20:31I am freaking out.
00:20:35So I was like going to cancel the trip because I was like panicking every day leading up to it.
00:20:39And then my mom was like, I'm going to get you a hefty dose of Xanax so that you can
00:20:43go on this trip, which is very nice.
00:20:45That's how my mom's that type of nice.
00:20:47You know what I mean?
00:20:47She'll buy the liquor so you don't have to hate Mr.
00:20:50And then, so I bought, so she got me the Xanax and I zonked out for the whole six hour
00:20:55flight, which was sick.
00:20:56And then I landed and I was going to visit my best friend in Olympia and we were having so
00:21:00much fun.
00:21:01It was me, her, and her very gay friend, Chad.
00:21:04And Chad was like, you know, the sad, the sad, like 2010 gay.
00:21:08You know what I mean?
00:21:09Like not the jacked gay, but like the twinkie, like chews on their hoodie strings.
00:21:13You know what I mean?
00:21:14A lot of stripes, a lot of like pulling their hoodies up over their hands.
00:21:19You know what I mean?
00:21:20K plus eight haircut, painted nails.
00:21:24So Chad was like that.
00:21:25So Chad was like, I was a thief in the way that I'm like an entitled white bitch.
00:21:31You know what I mean?
00:21:31But he was a thief in like, he might have needed to steal stuff.
00:21:34You know what I mean?
00:21:36And so he was like, we're going to, here's what we're going to do.
00:21:38We went out, we had fun.
00:21:39We bought, I bought new cowboy boots.
00:21:41Big mistake.
00:21:41You'll see.
00:21:43And we, he was like, we're going to go to the liquor save or the liquor save, the shop, right?
00:21:47Shop, right.
00:21:48There it is.
00:21:48Thank you so much.
00:21:49I'll be here all night.
00:21:50Um, shop, right.
00:21:51And we were going to go in there and he was like, what you do is I'm going to take
00:21:56the
00:21:56liquor and I'm going to put it in your backpack and then you're going to walk out, which I
00:22:01know is a mistake, right?
00:22:02I've been stealing my whole life.
00:22:04You never conceal, right?
00:22:05I would conceal in like eighth grade when I'd stuff all the earrings in my hoodie and
00:22:10then I'd walk out and they'd be like, no.
00:22:11And I'd just have to shake and it would all come out.
00:22:13I know not to get, this is how you steal.
00:22:15I will tell you how to steal right now and you can pay me for this.
00:22:17You go into Whole Foods, okay?
00:22:19You wear like a peat coat or something.
00:22:20You look okay.
00:22:21All right.
00:22:22First of all, you have to be white.
00:22:23Just remember that.
00:22:23Okay.
00:22:25Keep that in mind.
00:22:30And then you fill up, you fill up a bag, like a tote bag full of like, you know, stuff
00:22:35that's like locks, smoked trout, fancy cheese, like stuff that is really expensive in the
00:22:40store, but if you steal it, it's like no money at all like that.
00:22:42Okay.
00:22:43And then you put that in a bag and then you take a seltzer and you go to ring that
00:22:46up
00:22:47and the, and the, the, the cashier will be like, oh, you're just buying the seltzer.
00:22:52And you go, yes.
00:22:52And they go, did you already buy all that stuff?
00:22:53And you go, yes, I did.
00:22:54And they go, okay, great.
00:22:55And you go, I love you.
00:22:56And they go, I love you too.
00:22:56And that's it.
00:22:58And you walk out and it's totally fine.
00:22:59I stopped stealing from Whole Foods.
00:23:01You can't steal.
00:23:01I stopped stealing after the pandemic.
00:23:03I almost gave up stealing before, but then they were like, everybody, I demand that all people wear disguises.
00:23:10That was crazy, dude.
00:23:12Going into Whole Foods and then be like, not so fast.
00:23:14And I was like, what?
00:23:15And they're like, you got to put the mask on.
00:23:16And I was like, oh, I almost forgot.
00:23:19That's crazy.
00:23:22So basically what happened is he puts the liquor bottle in my backpack.
00:23:24He zips it up.
00:23:25And then I just walk out.
00:23:27And then I, you know, I, usually what happens is if somebody, the guy caught me, right?
00:23:31He goes, stop right there.
00:23:32Right?
00:23:32Which usually means I take the bottle out.
00:23:34I hand it to him.
00:23:35I go, here's, you know, they bring you into a little room.
00:23:37You pay $500 or something, some ignorant amount of money to them.
00:23:41And then you leave.
00:23:42You hit up your mom and you go, can you put $500 in my account?
00:23:44She does.
00:23:45And you're fine.
00:23:45Okay?
00:23:46But this guy was like, he was one of those guys, you know when you like, you know when
00:23:50somebody has such a bad job and there's such a fucking cunt about it?
00:23:55And like, it's like, you'll be checking out and you'll have like a bag that has like four
00:23:58Fugees and one Macintosh.
00:24:00And you're walking through and you're like, just let it go.
00:24:02Oh, you fucking narc, right?
00:24:03And they're like, I'm actually, and you're like, is this what you wanted to be when you
00:24:07grew up?
00:24:07Is this what you dreamed of as a child?
00:24:09He was one of those guys.
00:24:10And I was just letting him have it.
00:24:12He's like shaking me.
00:24:12He's shaking me.
00:24:13He's holding the backpack and me above the ground and shaking me like this.
00:24:16Okay?
00:24:17And I'm being like, yes, you're a good boy.
00:24:19Yeah, you did such a good job.
00:24:20Oh my God, I've been married.
00:24:21And just waiting for him to put me down so that I can be like, here we go.
00:24:24Let's get this over with.
00:24:25But then fucking Chad ran at a dead sprint out of nowhere, comes in, flies across, flies
00:24:34across me like this, grabs the guy.
00:24:36They tumble to the ground while Chad is screaming, unhand her.
00:24:40Okay?
00:24:41I'm so mad at this point.
00:24:43I'm like, we just went from fucking, you know, petty larceny to assault, dude.
00:24:46You're, I was pissed.
00:24:47He went from gay to, I was like, you're a fag, dude.
00:24:49I'm sorry.
00:24:50You're out, dude.
00:24:51I'm, I'm done with you.
00:24:52So I was really mad at Chad and then, and I did have to run because I felt bad.
00:24:57I was like, Chad's going to take this L.
00:24:59I should just at least try and run.
00:25:00But I just bought those cowboy boots.
00:25:01They hurt very bad.
00:25:03I made it like two steps and I was like, nope, absolutely not.
00:25:06And then the cop car pulled up so fast and over the loudspeaker was like, get on the ground,
00:25:10which is great.
00:25:11I was like, I'm not going to get on.
00:25:12I did not get on the ground.
00:25:13I was like, I'll get right into the cruiser.
00:25:15And I just opened the door and got it.
00:25:16I was like, I would love to sit down, take me away.
00:25:19So they took me and Chad to jail and they put me in the, they,
00:25:22they separate me and Chad, which was really unfortunate because they were like, we have
00:25:25to put Chad in the men's section.
00:25:27And Chad was like, I can't go.
00:25:29And I was like, you'll be fine.
00:25:31And he was like, no, my nails are painted.
00:25:33And I was like, oh my God, you can't go.
00:25:35I was like, I was like, put me in the men's, put him in the women's.
00:25:38Don't do, I mean, he'll die though.
00:25:41And they were like, no.
00:25:42So they separated us and they put me in this room, which is a weird feeling when a human
00:25:47being locks you in a cage.
00:25:49It's very, if it was like a giant Terminator grabbing me and throwing me in a cage, that
00:25:53would make more sense.
00:25:54But it's like somebody a little shorter than me, you know what I mean?
00:25:57I'm like, you're, I'm a homo sapien.
00:25:59You're a homo sapien.
00:26:00We're the same, dude.
00:26:01What are you doing?
00:26:02You're a monkey.
00:26:02I'm a monkey.
00:26:03And they're like, no, no, no, you've been a bad monkey.
00:26:05Get in there.
00:26:05It's really, it's very weird.
00:26:07And then, so I go in there and there's all these women, like so many women.
00:26:11It was like 12 women.
00:26:12Each one had their own bunk.
00:26:13I had no bunk.
00:26:14They gave me a Tupperware container on the floor, which was crazy.
00:26:16Really weird.
00:26:18And all of the women are in there and they're all like really angry and really scary.
00:26:21And they're like, probably like pretty much all around 50, right?
00:26:25And I fucked up.
00:26:26I walked in and I was just like trying to make friends.
00:26:28I was like, so what is everybody in here for?
00:26:30I guess you're not supposed to ask that at all.
00:26:32So they were all like, fuck you, bitch.
00:26:34And I was like, oh God, oh God, oh God.
00:26:35And then I was like, I have to call my mommy.
00:26:37And they were like, okay, you can call your mom, but you have to do it from the phone in
00:26:40the jail cell,
00:26:41which is brutal because what happens is you pick up the phone and you go to call your mom
00:26:44and a robot talks to your mom first, right?
00:26:47You can't, you don't have time to go, hey mommy, I'm really sorry.
00:26:50I just made a bad poo, poo, poo, poo, poo.
00:26:51Okay, right?
00:26:52A robot picks up and goes, would you like to accept a call from inmate, you know, 727 Jordan Jensen
00:26:58at whatever the fuck county jail, right?
00:27:00So it narcs on you immediately.
00:27:03That sucks, dude.
00:27:03That's like if I went to call my ex-boyfriend and a robot picked up and was like, do you
00:27:07want to talk to Jordan?
00:27:07She's a little day drunk and, oh, yeah, she just Googled the word narcissist.
00:27:11Are you into it?
00:27:12That's crazy.
00:27:14It's so fucked up.
00:27:18Anyway, my mom picked up and I thought she was not there.
00:27:21I thought she was so angry that she had hung up, but she wasn't, there was no sound because she
00:27:25was laughing so hard.
00:27:27As soon as she picked up, she was paralyzed with laughter and I was like, mom, stop laughing at me.
00:27:31And she was like, are you wearing a jumpsuit?
00:27:33And I was like, yes.
00:27:33And she was like, and I was like, mom, listen, they made me wear flip-flops that aren't mine.
00:27:38And she was like, stop it.
00:27:39Stop it.
00:27:40I'm dying.
00:27:41And I was like, you have to bail me out.
00:27:42And she was like, fuck you.
00:27:43No, I'm not bailing you out.
00:27:44And I was like, why not?
00:27:45And she was like, I'll tell you later.
00:27:46And then she hung up.
00:27:47I have no more calls.
00:27:48Okay.
00:27:49I have no more calls.
00:27:50And then I turn around and I'm crying.
00:27:52Remember, I was going out.
00:27:53So I have full hair, makeup.
00:27:55I'm, I look like this, the toddler in tiara.
00:27:57Okay.
00:27:58And I turn around and all the women are like, you fucking cry, baby.
00:28:02And I'm like, no, I'm going to die.
00:28:04And then one woman stood up.
00:28:05This is bizarre.
00:28:06One woman stood up and goes, you're only, you're only being mean to her because she reminds
00:28:10you of our children.
00:28:11Because I was so young.
00:28:12And then all of the women, this was crazy, went, and all burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably.
00:28:19And I was like, what's happening?
00:28:20What's happening?
00:28:20And they're like, my baby.
00:28:22And I was like, oh, oh, I'm not your baby.
00:28:24I'm not your baby.
00:28:25It was so weird, dude.
00:28:26And then the, the security guard came over and was like rattling and was like, go get
00:28:30the Klonopin.
00:28:31And they all like lined up like, it was so weird.
00:28:34And I was like, can I have Klonopin?
00:28:35And they're like, no, fuck you.
00:28:36And then they gave it to all these women.
00:28:37And then it became the best slumber party.
00:28:42They were braiding my hair.
00:28:44We were making snacky snacks out of the wet beans that they give you.
00:28:47Wet, wet beans.
00:28:48We were having so much fun.
00:28:49At one point, my favorite person in the world was released in there with us.
00:28:52Her name was Little Bit.
00:28:53And she was four feet tall.
00:28:55She was a little Latino.
00:28:56Like she looked like Rufio kind of.
00:28:58And she was a little tank.
00:28:59And she like, they pushed her in and she was like, ah.
00:29:02And I was like, whoa.
00:29:05And then she was like, I just got caught with a speed ball, which I guess is heroin and speed
00:29:09mixed together.
00:29:10And I was like, whoa, that's what you're in here?
00:29:12And she was like, yeah, but don't worry.
00:29:13I plunged a needle right before I got in here.
00:29:15And I was like, what does that mean?
00:29:17And she was like, I'm about to be fucked up.
00:29:19And she was going crazy.
00:29:21She, me and her were, because I wasn't on Klonopin.
00:29:23So me and her were fucking, we were running laps around these Klondike bars, dude.
00:29:28The women were like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:29:29And we were making slingshots out of shit.
00:29:31We made a ball out of the plastic cup they give you for water.
00:29:34And we're playing dodgeball.
00:29:35And it was just hitting the Klon girls in the face.
00:29:36It was so fun.
00:29:37I had a blast.
00:29:38And then a crazy thing.
00:29:40This is bizarre.
00:29:41Okay.
00:29:43There was a woman in the corner the whole time who I thought was just passed out like
00:29:47drunk style, like drunk tank style.
00:29:49But she was not, she was not drunk.
00:29:52Okay.
00:29:52She was highly lucid.
00:29:54And she stood up at one point and she was really scary.
00:29:57She had neck tattoos.
00:29:57She was like huge.
00:29:58She was probably like 6'2".
00:29:59She was huge.
00:30:00And she goes and walks and all the women are like, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
00:30:04And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:30:05And she walks over.
00:30:06This is crazy.
00:30:07And she pulls her pants and underwear down and sits down on the toilet, which is right
00:30:11by my Tupperware bed, mind you.
00:30:13And she sits down on the toilet and then just starts having, which has no walls around it.
00:30:17The toilet can't have walls.
00:30:18And she started having explosive diarrhea.
00:30:20Okay.
00:30:20Like full frontal.
00:30:23Like not, not watery, not watery, like chilly.
00:30:27Okay.
00:30:27Just like that.
00:30:29Endless.
00:30:29Okay.
00:30:30And all of the women were like, dude, dude, dude, Jordan, Jordan, don't look at her.
00:30:33Do whatever you, rule number one, you don't look at her.
00:30:35And I was like, well, rule number one of OCD.
00:30:37If you tell me not to do something, I have to do it.
00:30:39Like this is a huge, like if I'm on the subway and there's a dude jerking off, I'm locked in,
00:30:43dog.
00:30:44I'm fucking locked.
00:30:45I can't look away.
00:30:46They don't, I don't want to look at them.
00:30:47They don't want me.
00:30:48They're like, I got to come, cut it out.
00:30:50And I'm like, just come, just come already, brother.
00:30:52We got to get this out.
00:30:53We're like, it's very, if you have OCD, you know what I mean?
00:30:56It's like, if there's a button, you must touch it.
00:30:58Okay.
00:30:59And so I was locked in on Linda.
00:31:00I could not look away.
00:31:01And she was pissed, dude.
00:31:03She was like, as soon as I'm done shitting, I'm going to fucking rape your head off.
00:31:06I'm going to fucking kill you.
00:31:07And I was like, I'm so sorry.
00:31:08I don't want to.
00:31:09I was like, I'll try.
00:31:09I can't.
00:31:10I can't.
00:31:10I apologize.
00:31:11And I couldn't look away.
00:31:12And then this really crazy thing happened because she was shitting like a, like a very scary amount.
00:31:18You know what I mean?
00:31:19Like, you've had this.
00:31:20It was like rough.
00:31:21Okay.
00:31:22And I get like, there's only so long you could be scary when you're losing that much poop.
00:31:28Okay.
00:31:29Like it was, her insides were coming out and she was looking at me like, I'm going to fucking kill
00:31:34you.
00:31:34And then she like slowly, because I didn't look away, she kind of just was like.
00:31:40Like the look was like, help.
00:31:42I want this to be over.
00:31:43And I just stayed locked in.
00:31:45I was like, dude, I know that must be so fucking bad.
00:31:47You're going to get through this.
00:31:48You're going to get through this.
00:31:49And she just, and then at the end of it, she got up and I was like, she's for sure
00:31:52still going to kill me.
00:31:53But then she walked over and she was like, what are you guys doing?
00:31:56And we were like, sit down, big Linda.
00:31:58And then we all had a great time.
00:32:00So then it was time for me to leave jail, which I was really upset about because I loved all
00:32:07of them.
00:32:07I had made so many friends.
00:32:08We were so close.
00:32:09I was so excited.
00:32:11An interesting thing is I did get out and Chad said that not one man in the entire, in his
00:32:16entire jail cell, the whole 24 hours said one word to one another.
00:32:20That's crazy.
00:32:21I went through a metamorphosis in mine.
00:32:23That's nuts.
00:32:24And he was just sitting there like, you know, that's why.
00:32:28So then I get out of jail and I call my mom and my mom's like, how was it?
00:32:33And I was like, mom, it was actually amazing.
00:32:35Like I made all these friends.
00:32:36I learned how to play dodgeball.
00:32:37I was like, I learned how to do, you know, wall sit-ups.
00:32:39And I was like, there was a woman who like didn't want you to look at her.
00:32:41But then in the end, she just wanted to be seen.
00:32:44And I was like, but why didn't you bail me out?
00:32:47And she goes, let me ask you something.
00:32:48In the full 24 hours you were in there with no escape, did you bite one of those women?
00:32:53And I was like, I did it.
00:32:55Okay, that's my story.
00:32:56Thank you, guys.
00:32:57Yay, I did it.
00:33:01Jordan Jensen entered on.
00:33:02I heard it.
00:33:16This next comic, one of the funniest men in America, legitimately, for like at least 10 years now.
00:33:21He is a former host of a show called This Is Not Happening on Comedy Central.
00:33:25Please give it up for Mr. Roy Wood Jr., everybody.
00:33:37This is a nice show.
00:33:39This is a nice show.
00:33:40I can't wait to steal this one, too.
00:33:46Whatever he hosts, I'm stealing, baby.
00:33:48I'm coming right behind him and taking that shit.
00:33:55I'm learning a lot about parenting these days.
00:33:58I have an eight-year-old.
00:34:00And I just think one of the most important skills you will develop as a parent is when
00:34:05it comes to trying to solve your kid's problems, knowing when it is your time to shut the fuck up.
00:34:14My first crush in fifth grade was a girl named Olivia Calhoun.
00:34:22Oh, man, she was gorgeous.
00:34:241985, 86, Birmingham, Alabama.
00:34:28Olivia Calhoun was gorgeous, man.
00:34:31Just like sitcom, next-door neighbor, just long, flowing hair, beautiful fucking dark skin, and just legs.
00:34:44And it was perfect when you had a crush at this age.
00:34:48Because this was public school, so it's 30 of us in a class.
00:34:52There's only four textbooks, so we got to share.
00:34:56And when it's time to share and read the book together, God bless you if you got the desk next
00:35:02to Olivia Calhoun.
00:35:04Because she'd lean in close to you, you'd lean in close to her, and you'd lean in and you'd read
00:35:08the passages together.
00:35:09And she had this bubblegum lip gloss, and her breath would carry that bubblegum lip gloss,
00:35:15and that shit would dance across your nostrils and rock hard for two weeks.
00:35:24Just gorgeous.
00:35:25Just gorgeous.
00:35:27Kept that shit in my back pocket for months.
00:35:32Wasn't until the last two weeks of school where I finally got up the courage to say something to Olivia.
00:35:38I finally got the courage up.
00:35:40I did what any grown man should do.
00:35:42I wrote it down on a sheet of paper.
00:35:46None of this DM shit.
00:35:48I wrote it down on paper.
00:35:50Do you like me, bitch?
00:35:51Yes or no.
00:35:52Here.
00:35:54And you can't dodge that.
00:35:56You can't turn off your read receipts.
00:35:58I'm looking at you.
00:35:58You reading it right now.
00:36:02I gave her the paper, and I ran off.
00:36:04You know what you put on the paper.
00:36:05Do you like me?
00:36:06Yes.
00:36:06No.
00:36:06I put maybe.
00:36:07Gave her an out.
00:36:10Next day.
00:36:13Next day at school, Olivia Calhoun comes back with the note, and she meets me at the locker that morning.
00:36:21She hands me the note like that.
00:36:22That's how I knew it was good news, because she gave me the note like that.
00:36:26When they hand you the note the way your grandmama gave you a $20 bill, I was like, yeah.
00:36:32I was like, hey, it was good, and I opened it up, and sure as shit, do you like me?
00:36:38Yes, no.
00:36:39She checked?
00:36:40Yes.
00:36:41You're damn right.
00:36:44So that day at lunch, I bought her an ice cream sandwich to seal the deal, because that's what ballers
00:36:51do.
00:36:52You drop 50 cent on these girls.
00:36:56I bought her an ice cream sandwich, and I told her at lunch, I said, you know, I'm on safety
00:37:03patrol now, so I've got to work my shift.
00:37:07But after school, when everybody's boarded to school buses, and I'm done crosswalking, you know, you come check in with
00:37:13me.
00:37:13I'll walk you home.
00:37:14And that's a big deal in the South in the spring.
00:37:18Like, it's 94 degrees, and you are volunteering to walk a girl home and carry the books.
00:37:26Like, you know, books, like, in the South, like, thick-ass textbooks?
00:37:30That's a serious dedication right there.
00:37:33101 Heat Index, and it's me and Olivia Calhoun, and we just skipping down a sidewalk, and it was beautiful.
00:37:42She gave me a phone number.
00:37:44I go home.
00:37:45I call her.
00:37:46I wait a little later.
00:37:48Not too late, but, you know, late enough to let her know, you know, I wasn't thinking about you right
00:37:52away.
00:37:54Can't call no girl right when you get home.
00:37:56I got shit to do.
00:37:57I got to watch DuckTales.
00:37:58I got to watch...
00:38:00I got an agenda.
00:38:02A little tailspin.
00:38:04A Disney afternoon is happening.
00:38:08And I call her, and she didn't answer the phone.
00:38:13It was a mean, growling voice.
00:38:16It was her older sister, Titi.
00:38:19Titi was in the eighth grade.
00:38:21Now, I don't know if you know about, if you remember fifth grade, but if you was in the fifth
00:38:24grade, and you were talking to somebody in the eighth grade, you may as well be talking to a grown
00:38:29woman.
00:38:29This is a 30-year-old woman I'm talking to.
00:38:33She got a briefcase and a mortgage.
00:38:36She got a pap smear tomorrow.
00:38:38I can't be dealing with this grown-ass eighth grader.
00:38:42And Titi did not like anybody talking to Olivia.
00:38:46Titi grabbed the phone out of Olivia and said, who is this?
00:38:49I'm like, this is Roy.
00:38:52You fat-haired-ass motherfucker.
00:38:55But not call my goddamn sister no more.
00:38:58I'll stab you in your motherfucking head, you fat-ass nigga.
00:39:03And I don't know how to reply to that.
00:39:07And even if I could, I don't have the guts.
00:39:09Because also, Titi is in Gangster Disciples.
00:39:12And that's a serious street gang.
00:39:16And I know everybody talk about Crippin' Blood.
00:39:17Let me tell you something right now.
00:39:18Down South Midwest, Gangster Disciples run supreme.
00:39:22And if you are a woman in a street gang,
00:39:26oh, you have whooped a lot of ass.
00:39:29She was a Disciple Queen.
00:39:31That's what they called them.
00:39:32Black women that was in Disciples.
00:39:34They called them Disciple Queens.
00:39:35So I ain't finna mouth off at Titi.
00:39:37I said, you got a Titi hung up.
00:39:40Now, my mama has heard all of this.
00:39:43Because you know mamas be eavesdropping when you're on the phone.
00:39:47My mama couldn't make out what was said to me,
00:39:49but she knew it wasn't cool.
00:39:51She go, what was that shit?
00:39:54I go, I was calling, I'm calling Olivia
00:39:57because I like Olivia.
00:39:58And then Olivia's sister answered.
00:40:01And is that who was cussing at you?
00:40:03I go, yes ma'am.
00:40:05Call that bitch back.
00:40:06I'm like, no.
00:40:09I said, mama, you can't call her back.
00:40:11She is a Gangster Disciple.
00:40:12I'm a Disciple of the Lord.
00:40:16And I'm like, I don't even think God messed with GD's, Joyce.
00:40:21You got to know when to leave this alone.
00:40:24You got to know when to shut up.
00:40:27And I was able to diffuse the situation.
00:40:31Next day, I see Olivia at school.
00:40:35And I have to come over to her.
00:40:37And I'm like, oh, don't worry about Titi.
00:40:40Titi was just doing that to tease you.
00:40:42Women never know when they got a crazy motherfucker
00:40:45and they missed.
00:40:47You always try to make the man,
00:40:49don't worry about him.
00:40:50He just got 90 guns.
00:40:51He ain't gonna shoot nothing.
00:40:56She said, I want you to walk me home again.
00:41:00And I said, you know what?
00:41:01You damn right.
00:41:02You damn right, Olivia.
00:41:03I'm gonna walk your ass home.
00:41:04Not only did I walk her home,
00:41:06I held her hand.
00:41:07I ain't finna be intimidated by no damn Titi.
00:41:10And we was skipping down the sidewalk
00:41:12and it was beautiful.
00:41:13I never saw the brick coming.
00:41:20But there was a brick.
00:41:22And this brick, it's like, like, like,
00:41:25it's hit, like, like, I got hit with pre-brick first.
00:41:29Because, like, it wasn't a regular rock.
00:41:32It was like asphalt or cinderbox.
00:41:34Like, you know how certain rocks break up upon launch?
00:41:38Like an asteroid.
00:41:39You know how in the asteroid movies,
00:41:41the pre-asteroid hits?
00:41:44Before the main asteroid.
00:41:45And they go, oh shit, go get Bruce Willis.
00:41:47It's a big asteroid.
00:41:49So we're walking and just fucking skipping along.
00:41:53And I'm there with my fifth grade crush.
00:41:56And life is perfect.
00:41:58And I felt that shit sprinkled.
00:42:00And I turned.
00:42:01And before I could turn all the way around.
00:42:05A piece of Birmingham asphalt hit me in the face.
00:42:09And I fell slow motion like black people
00:42:11and them silver rights movies.
00:42:19And I'm picking rock out of my eye.
00:42:22And I can make out from across the street.
00:42:24It's T.T.
00:42:26What the fuck I told you?
00:42:28What I told you, fat-head-ass nigga?
00:42:32I'll stab you in your motherfucking head, fat-ass nigga.
00:42:36And she started doing the gang signs and shit.
00:42:42There ain't much you can do after that.
00:42:43I looked up at Olivia.
00:42:44I said, listen, we're going to have to start seeing other people.
00:42:46Because you can get this T.T. situation under control.
00:42:56So, of course, I go home.
00:42:58And you can't show up at the house with wounds with a black mama.
00:43:05I would assume other mamas.
00:43:06All mamas matter, is what I'm saying.
00:43:14Let's not make it a race.
00:43:18Who did that to your face?
00:43:21Man, it was T.T.
00:43:23Who is this bitch?
00:43:25Mama, she said she's going to stab me in the head.
00:43:29Ain't nobody going to stab you in no goddamn head.
00:43:32I'm driving you home from school tomorrow.
00:43:35And for the rest of the week, my mom drove me home from school.
00:43:38Which makes you look even more like a bitch.
00:43:45So that was it.
00:43:48That was it.
00:43:51You can't call her no more, because you know T.T. on the prowl.
00:43:58And that day after school,
00:44:00that was the last time I talked to Olivia Calhoun.
00:44:05Fast forward 2015,
00:44:10I get the Daily Show.
00:44:13And I moved to New York City,
00:44:15and I have a child on the way.
00:44:17And this is all happening all at the same time,
00:44:20and life is very crazy.
00:44:22So me and my sons, mom,
00:44:23and we're all moving to New York,
00:44:26and we're trying to find child care.
00:44:28And in New York City,
00:44:29you got to screen people,
00:44:31because it ain't like the South,
00:44:32where it's just a friend from church
00:44:34or a daughter from somebody you know
00:44:35that you can trust to watch a kid.
00:44:37Like New York,
00:44:37it's too many people
00:44:39that are too anxious to watch children.
00:44:44And I don't like that.
00:44:45Like, the optimum child care
00:44:47is someone who doesn't want to do child care.
00:44:52I need you to hate children just a little.
00:44:56To teach them, you got to love them.
00:44:58But to watch them,
00:44:58you got to kind of be like,
00:44:59I don't know.
00:45:01You don't want nobody too anxious
00:45:03to watch a baby.
00:45:04Like, I don't want me to see the baby.
00:45:06Yeah, like, nah.
00:45:10So, to make sure
00:45:11that we were hiring the right person,
00:45:13me and my son's mom,
00:45:14we got a subscription
00:45:15to a background check service.
00:45:18And I don't want to scare you all,
00:45:19but for $40 a month,
00:45:21if I know your full name
00:45:23and at least one state you've lived in,
00:45:26I can track down your criminal history,
00:45:28your driving history,
00:45:29your employment history,
00:45:31social media,
00:45:32any liens,
00:45:33any bankruptcies,
00:45:34everything good or bad
00:45:35you've ever done
00:45:36simply from your name
00:45:37and a place you've lived.
00:45:39And so that's how we started checking
00:45:40the references for child care
00:45:43just to see who was crazy.
00:45:44We hire a babysitter.
00:45:46We still have about four days left
00:45:48on the subscription.
00:45:51And I go, fuck it.
00:45:55Let me just start checking up
00:45:57on random people.
00:46:00Because you see everybody on Facebook
00:46:02talking about how they lived a life
00:46:04and I'm a life of a baller.
00:46:05No, you don't.
00:46:06I can see the bankruptcies right here.
00:46:09And I'm just looking up old friends,
00:46:12college coaches,
00:46:13just anybody you can think of.
00:46:15Celebrities,
00:46:16just whoever I want
00:46:17to just know your business,
00:46:18I'm going to just know your business.
00:46:20And then just on a whim one night,
00:46:22I was like,
00:46:23you know what?
00:46:26I wonder how Olivia Calhoun's doing.
00:46:31Typed it in.
00:46:32Typed it in, pulled it up.
00:46:33There it was.
00:46:35A couple college degrees,
00:46:36a couple kids,
00:46:37got a husband.
00:46:38Life turned out pretty good.
00:46:39And it's every possible means
00:46:41to reach out and contact this person
00:46:43if you want.
00:46:44Your life's not as private
00:46:45as you think it is.
00:46:47But I wasn't here to intrude.
00:46:49Her life became her life.
00:46:50My life became mine.
00:46:51I have a beautiful family.
00:46:53I'm thankful for where I am career-wise.
00:46:54And I wouldn't have wished it to happen
00:46:56any other way.
00:46:57But it was a good feeling
00:46:58to just know that somebody,
00:47:00somebody saw what I saw.
00:47:02I was treating it good.
00:47:06A little further down
00:47:07in the results page
00:47:08on this site,
00:47:10there's also a link
00:47:11for known siblings.
00:47:19I had to know.
00:47:24And I clicked that shit.
00:47:26And there she is.
00:47:28There's Titi.
00:47:30In and out the military.
00:47:33A couple of liens.
00:47:34A couple of bankruptcies.
00:47:35A divorce.
00:47:38Scroll a little further.
00:47:39And there it is.
00:47:41There's a link
00:47:41to the Alabama Department of Corrections.
00:47:46Old Titi got locked up.
00:47:47Did 15 years.
00:47:49Well, I gotta know what for.
00:47:52And I click on the link.
00:47:54And it pulls up her mugshot
00:47:56and her arrest history.
00:47:58And sure as shit,
00:48:00Titi Calhoun got arrested
00:48:02in 2003
00:48:03and did a 15-year bid
00:48:05for stabbing somebody
00:48:08in the head.
00:48:12They lived,
00:48:13but they were stabbed
00:48:16in the head.
00:48:17And I printed
00:48:19that Department of Corrections sheet
00:48:21and I mailed it
00:48:22to my mama.
00:48:26And I said,
00:48:27sometimes you need to know
00:48:29when to shut the fuck up.
00:48:35Good night.
00:48:39Roy Wood Jr., everybody.
00:48:52Can we tell the story
00:48:54about how I took over your show
00:48:56and then was unfairly accused
00:48:58of stealing your fucking show
00:49:00from your moronic-ass fans
00:49:04who love you so much
00:49:06that they couldn't believe
00:49:07anything other than
00:49:08the black man stole it
00:49:09from my wife?
00:49:12Here's what I feel like
00:49:13is understated about you, Ari,
00:49:15is that this entire story,
00:49:17televised storytelling culture
00:49:19that you've created
00:49:20was birth number one
00:49:21from a show you did
00:49:23in L.A.
00:49:24decades ago
00:49:25because you just cared
00:49:26about the long-form art
00:49:28of this craft
00:49:28and then you create
00:49:29this space
00:49:30for performers
00:49:31who don't always get chances
00:49:32on all the other
00:49:33late-night bullshit
00:49:34to come and be discovered
00:49:36and be who they are
00:49:37authentically.
00:49:38So I get a call
00:49:40from Comedy Central
00:49:41that go,
00:49:42hey, Ari Shafir is out
00:49:44as host of This
00:49:45is not happening.
00:49:46Do you want to host?
00:49:48We start taping
00:49:49in two days.
00:49:51It happened faster, guys.
00:49:53I got mad.
00:49:54I sold my special
00:49:55to a startup network
00:49:56called Netflix.
00:49:58And they were pissed.
00:49:59Comedy Central was pissed.
00:50:02And the way that it just felt,
00:50:05it felt slimy
00:50:07if I'm being honest.
00:50:07It was like,
00:50:08this feels weird.
00:50:09Does Ari know?
00:50:11Have you all informed Ari?
00:50:12So before I call
00:50:13agents and managers,
00:50:14I call you.
00:50:15Gentlemen,
00:50:16right from the start.
00:50:17Called me and said,
00:50:17hey, what do you want?
00:50:19They're telling me this.
00:50:20What do you want to do?
00:50:21Yeah.
00:50:22And you said,
00:50:23I think in so many words,
00:50:25correct me if I'm wrong,
00:50:25you basically said,
00:50:26if you don't host this show,
00:50:28they're going to cancel
00:50:30the production
00:50:31and there's 40 to 50 comics
00:50:33who will not have
00:50:33an opportunity
00:50:34to be on television
00:50:35this year.
00:50:36And I think you had sent
00:50:37them names of people.
00:50:38Because I was not
00:50:39the first choice.
00:50:40Let's just start there.
00:50:42He's bigger now
00:50:43than he was.
00:50:43No, but motherfuckers
00:50:44was mad.
00:50:45Like, I was the first choice.
00:50:46Like, no.
00:50:47I was like fucking 40th
00:50:48on the list.
00:50:49They went down the line
00:50:50of what it called.
00:50:51Because so many people
00:50:52said no to you
00:50:53out of respect to you.
00:50:54I know,
00:50:55but then we had to say
00:50:55people's jobs, too.
00:50:56There were all these people
00:50:57out of their jobs.
00:50:57Yeah, also crew.
00:50:58There's like 90 motherfuckers
00:51:00and lights and fucking cameras
00:51:01and cords and shit.
00:51:02Yeah.
00:51:03And if you cancel something,
00:51:04two days out.
00:51:05All respect.
00:51:08Good job with the cords.
00:51:10Cordless.
00:51:12If you accept work as crew,
00:51:14you've turned down other work
00:51:16so you don't get any fucking bread.
00:51:18So if the show doesn't happen,
00:51:20if I, like,
00:51:21and that's just,
00:51:21and you told me.
00:51:22They said,
00:51:23we're gonna get rid of this
00:51:25two days out.
00:51:26All your crew
00:51:26that have been working
00:51:27with your family
00:51:28at this point
00:51:28for three years
00:51:29on your show,
00:51:30they'll all be out of work
00:51:31two days out.
00:51:31Good luck paying their rent.
00:51:33Or,
00:51:35here's Roy.
00:51:36And I was like,
00:51:37yeah, Roy, for sure.
00:51:39And so,
00:51:41I knew that nobody,
00:51:44like the conversation
00:51:45you and I had that day,
00:51:47I knew that that
00:51:47could never become public
00:51:48because you were gonna have
00:51:50your grievances
00:51:51with the network.
00:51:52Yeah, turn that off.
00:51:53Turn that off.
00:51:53No.
00:51:55Don't, don't, don't, don't.
00:51:57But then,
00:51:58I asked Ari,
00:51:59and in a very roundabout way,
00:52:01I asked Ari,
00:52:02I go,
00:52:02all right, man,
00:52:03how you know
00:52:04when they announce me
00:52:06as the host,
00:52:08your fans
00:52:11are gonna have
00:52:12some questions.
00:52:13Right.
00:52:13Right, yeah.
00:52:14And I don't,
00:52:15it doesn't feel like
00:52:17you're prepared
00:52:17to address this publicly,
00:52:19which means I'm gonna be
00:52:21out on a vine.
00:52:22On an island.
00:52:23By myself,
00:52:24dealing with that shit.
00:52:26And,
00:52:27and,
00:52:27and,
00:52:28and in a way,
00:52:29I was asking you,
00:52:30and I never directly asked you,
00:52:32but I think what I was
00:52:32trying to ask you was,
00:52:34would you mind
00:52:35saying something
00:52:36to the effect of,
00:52:37hey,
00:52:38it's not,
00:52:39don't be mad at Roy,
00:52:41which you said,
00:52:43I can't say anything
00:52:45right now,
00:52:46just know that my fans
00:52:47love me a lot,
00:52:48and it's not much
00:52:49I can do
00:52:50to control them.
00:52:58That's true.
00:53:00I don't want to be like,
00:53:01no,
00:53:02it's all cool.
00:53:02I was like hurt.
00:53:03I'm like,
00:53:03it's not cool,
00:53:04but he's not the problem.
00:53:05Yeah,
00:53:06but you didn't even
00:53:07say that.
00:53:11But I was happy
00:53:13to do it
00:53:13because you know
00:53:15it's comics
00:53:15that are going
00:53:16to get on television,
00:53:17it's crew that's going
00:53:18to eat,
00:53:18I'll take those arrows
00:53:19in the back,
00:53:20it's fine,
00:53:20fuck it,
00:53:21I don't care.
00:53:21So I did it,
00:53:22and I got to give
00:53:23your fans credit,
00:53:25as furious as they were
00:53:26about the transition
00:53:27of hosts,
00:53:29nobody called me
00:53:30nigger.
00:53:33not a single
00:53:35racist tweet,
00:53:37furious,
00:53:38but they never
00:53:39brought race into it.
00:53:41I have a cool fan base.
00:53:42Yeah.
00:53:44You raise them right.
00:53:45These are good,
00:53:48good goddamn fans
00:53:49who got here.
00:53:50Yeah,
00:53:51I mean,
00:53:51there were a lot of people
00:53:52that really wrote for you,
00:53:53though.
00:53:53There were a lot of comments.
00:53:54I should have,
00:53:54I should have protected you better,
00:53:56100%.
00:53:57But there's nothing
00:53:59you were going to be able
00:53:59to do to stop.
00:54:01Yeah.
00:54:01Because it was your baby,
00:54:02this is your baby,
00:54:03this is what you've created
00:54:04within the zeitgeist
00:54:05of entertainment,
00:54:06so it was right,
00:54:07it would have been right
00:54:08for you to be the one
00:54:09to continue ushering it in.
00:54:10I'm happy that you got
00:54:11this new shit,
00:54:12and you deserve it,
00:54:13man.
00:54:14Like,
00:54:14there was,
00:54:16there were a couple
00:54:17of comics that
00:54:18declined to tape.
00:54:19Uh-huh.
00:54:20Like,
00:54:20their names were
00:54:21on the run sheet,
00:54:21and motherfuckers
00:54:22just didn't show up.
00:54:23Yeah.
00:54:24Yeah,
00:54:24they were like,
00:54:24fuck it,
00:54:25I'm not doing that.
00:54:25Yeah,
00:54:26and I still have a lot
00:54:27of respect for those guys.
00:54:29I don't know
00:54:29how they all feel
00:54:30about me.
00:54:31One was Ralphie Mae,
00:54:32we can call him right now.
00:54:33You know,
00:54:33that's good.
00:54:40Hey,
00:54:41Ralphie.
00:54:46So,
00:54:46I say all of that
00:54:47to say this,
00:54:48this is how
00:54:50full circle shit goes,
00:54:51and this is why
00:54:52you need to be nice
00:54:53to people.
00:54:54I hope this is
00:54:55not happening.
00:54:57A couple of years
00:54:59later,
00:55:00Kobe Bryant
00:55:00passes away.
00:55:06I kind of remember
00:55:07this.
00:55:10And so,
00:55:12Kobe Bryant
00:55:13passes,
00:55:15and while
00:55:16the wreck
00:55:17is still
00:55:18smoldering,
00:55:19I mean,
00:55:20the wings
00:55:20of the helicopter,
00:55:21the fucking
00:55:22whatever,
00:55:23we're like,
00:55:23still,
00:55:24Ari is on
00:55:25Instagram Live
00:55:26trying to make
00:55:28jokes about it,
00:55:29and I'm not even
00:55:30repeating,
00:55:31I'm not rehashing,
00:55:34but niggas
00:55:35was on you.
00:55:37Ooh,
00:55:37yeah.
00:55:39Ooh,
00:55:40they were not
00:55:40stoked on Ari
00:55:41Shabir that day.
00:55:43Kobe,
00:55:44so the crash
00:55:45happens,
00:55:46you post something
00:55:47trying to be funny,
00:55:48when did the first
00:55:49gift threat
00:55:50come in?
00:55:5118 minutes later.
00:55:54I mean,
00:55:54immediate.
00:55:55I got
00:55:56talked within
00:55:57an hour.
00:56:00When black
00:56:00people organized,
00:56:01nothing could
00:56:02stop.
00:56:08They was
00:56:08on him.
00:56:09Like,
00:56:09I was getting
00:56:09calls from,
00:56:10like,
00:56:10my grandma
00:56:11and shit.
00:56:11Who is this
00:56:12Ari boy?
00:56:15Tell them
00:56:15about Kobe.
00:56:17Kobe.
00:56:21It's so bad
00:56:22he has to
00:56:23cancel comedy
00:56:24shows that
00:56:25week in the
00:56:26city,
00:56:26because they're
00:56:27saying,
00:56:28they closed the
00:56:29club.
00:56:29Every club I
00:56:30went to
00:56:30got bomb
00:56:31scares.
00:56:32Literally.
00:56:33So I would
00:56:34post on,
00:56:35little known,
00:56:36I would post
00:56:36on my website
00:56:37that I'd be
00:56:38performing at
00:56:38clubs that
00:56:39never passed
00:56:39me,
00:56:40just to get
00:56:41death threats
00:56:42to them.
00:56:51Kobe dies.
00:56:55Kobe dies.
00:56:57Ari's dealing
00:56:57with death
00:56:58threats from
00:56:58black people.
00:56:59A week later,
00:57:01it's the
00:57:01Super Bowl.
00:57:03And our
00:57:04friend Sal
00:57:05Vucano,
00:57:06practical joker
00:57:07Sal Vucano,
00:57:08has a yearly
00:57:08Super Bowl
00:57:09situation.
00:57:09We get
00:57:10invited to
00:57:10the situation.
00:57:11I walk
00:57:12in the
00:57:12party,
00:57:13this is my
00:57:14first time
00:57:15seeing Ari
00:57:15since he's
00:57:16pissed off
00:57:17black America.
00:57:19And just,
00:57:20you look,
00:57:21like,
00:57:21your energy
00:57:21was just
00:57:22so fucking,
00:57:23like,
00:57:24you,
00:57:24like,
00:57:25and I feel
00:57:25like that
00:57:25was the
00:57:26first time
00:57:26you were
00:57:26even in
00:57:27public
00:57:27since the
00:57:28shit hit
00:57:29the fan
00:57:29for you.
00:57:30Like,
00:57:30you were
00:57:30just,
00:57:30I've never
00:57:31seen anybody
00:57:31sad at a
00:57:32fucking
00:57:33Super Bowl
00:57:33party.
00:57:35And he
00:57:36sees me,
00:57:37and I'm
00:57:37for sure
00:57:37the first
00:57:38black person
00:57:39he's seen
00:57:39that week.
00:57:41You haven't
00:57:41seen no
00:57:42black people.
00:57:42Oh,
00:57:43everyone I
00:57:43saw,
00:57:43I'm like,
00:57:44no.
00:57:46He fucking
00:57:47comes over,
00:57:47Ari,
00:57:48hey,
00:57:49man.
00:57:50How you
00:57:50doing,
00:57:50Roy?
00:57:52I don't
00:57:53suppose there's
00:57:53anything you
00:57:54can maybe
00:57:54say about
00:57:57our character
00:57:58or let
00:58:00people know.
00:58:01Which I
00:58:02told Ari,
00:58:03I don't
00:58:04know much
00:58:04about Kobe's
00:58:05fans,
00:58:06but they
00:58:07are very
00:58:08dedicated,
00:58:10and they
00:58:10love him
00:58:11a lot.
00:58:13Good luck.
00:58:18You should've
00:58:19had my
00:58:19back,
00:58:20bro.
00:58:22I love
00:58:22you, man.
00:58:23I love
00:58:23you, too,
00:58:24buddy.
00:58:24Roy Wood
00:58:25Jr.,
00:58:25everybody.
00:58:28hi.
00:58:55Patrol,
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