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00:00Asıl?
00:01Olumun diliyordum.
00:02Alí
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02:53Altyazı mı?
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02:59Altyazı mı?
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04:26abone olabiliyor.
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04:48Halbirit низler için teşekkür ederim.
04:50Altyazı mısın?
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04:54Biz activities içine節目 girdiğiniz için teşekkür ederim.
04:56Börde bölmez.
04:57Bunu bib ном numara tüm gün Machine Ara fois base.
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05:10But that was...
05:11We all did that in freshman year.
05:14McDonald's...
05:17I'll have the double ditty.
05:19I'll have the double ditty and an STD test.
05:22But McDiddy's was also McDonald's because it was like French fries or McVittie's.
05:26That was my diet and my body loved it.
05:29Yeah, you were like, thank you, I will come to London more often.
05:32Give me more please.
05:33Russell, for you, Bristol or London?
05:37Well, I'm from Bristol, so I, you know, I prefer Bristol.
05:41But it's... No, I like London, I'm a fan.
05:43I got mugged here once.
05:46I'm sorry.
05:47But it was the most middle-class mugging.
05:49So a friend of mine had... She'd just given birth, so I got her some cupcakes.
05:53So I'm carrying these cupcakes up this hill and this kid is probably about 15,
05:57a really pasty-looking kid, just stands in front of me and goes,
06:00Oi, you'd better give me one of them cupcakes.
06:05And I suddenly kind of went, you can't have them.
06:08My friend, she's just given birth.
06:10And this kid suddenly went, I'm sorry, tell her congratulations.
06:14LAUGHTER
06:15And he was at this, it was such a beautiful moment of, like...
06:19APPLAUSE
06:19..you kind of go from fear to, like, yeah.
06:22And I like it.
06:24Erm, we have unbelievable news because, Dan, you are moving to London.
06:28Yeah, I mean, I'm moving as, yes, I have a place here.
06:36That is...
06:37And I will be here as much as I possibly can, within legal bounds.
06:42LAUGHTER
06:43You lived here before?
06:44I did, I lived here in my early...
06:46I had a very bad relationship.
06:48I'm sorry.
06:49Needed to come here because that's where Notting Hill was, the movie.
06:56And I was like, I don't know, I'm 21 years old, anything's possible.
07:00I'm going to move to London and find myself.
07:02So I found a little apartment.
07:04Yeah.
07:05And it was great, and it was...
07:07I moved in and I like to be clean.
07:10I'm spraying everywhere, I don't know who was in here before.
07:13It was kind of dirty.
07:15I'm hearing rumours from the people downstairs
07:17that it might have been a mother-daughter sex duo.
07:23Got it.
07:24Ooh. Sexy.
07:26Probably had way more sex in there than I did.
07:28Anyway, I'm cleaning.
07:29What was the address out of interest?
07:31LAUGHTER
07:31I pulled the bed from the wall.
07:33At this point, I had taken my gloves off.
07:36And I'm now...
07:37You know when you're in cleaning mode, it doesn't...
07:38You're not really thinking. Yeah, you're just fishing.
07:40So I'm reaching down the side of the bed.
07:43LAUGHTER
07:44I'm going to tell you what I found,
07:45and then you tell me what you think it is.
07:48OK. OK.
07:49So I grabbed it.
07:50Can I just say the weirdest game show I've ever been on?
07:53LAUGHTER
07:54I'm into it.
07:54It slips out of my hands.
07:56Oh, no. What do you mean?
07:57Oh, hell.
07:58It was a...
08:00Yeah.
08:01..phallic-shaped perfume bottle...
08:04..wrapped in a condom...
08:06Ooh!
08:06..and tied at the end.
08:08Oh.
08:10..and slippery.
08:11LAUGHTER
08:12LAUGHTER
08:15I love...
08:16It was his.
08:17It was his.
08:18It was that man's.
08:19Finally someone found it.
08:21LAUGHTER
08:22Do you still have it?
08:23Yeah.
08:24What do you think it was?
08:26What, perfume? Perfume?
08:26It's a sex toy, isn't it?
08:27No, not perfume.
08:28Well, it couldn't...
08:29It was perfume until someone turned it into something else.
08:32Why else would it be me having a condom?
08:34Well, maybe because it was cold.
08:36LAUGHTER
08:37I don't...
08:39You asked.
08:40I know!
08:42I know!
08:55..not go near.
08:56Number one, magician.
08:58Correct.
08:59LAUGHTER
09:01Somebody who was tricking you.
09:02I don't know.
09:03They won't let you in on their secrets.
09:06I had a...
09:06Also, they're going to bore you rigid with a pack of cards.
09:09LAUGHTER
09:10Like, take my bra off.
09:11I don't give a shit with a pack of cards.
09:13LAUGHTER
09:14Number two, athlete.
09:16Professional athlete.
09:17For the normal reasons, cheating and whatnot,
09:20but also because I think you're going to have to do
09:24some ego-lifting.
09:25Yeah.
09:26You know, oh, the rookie isn't that good, or...
09:28And they're going to want a smoothie.
09:30As soon as your knee gets better.
09:32LAUGHTER
09:32Yeah, yeah.
09:33Number three, chef.
09:35Mm-hm.
09:35Um, I do think it's an environment, when I was waiting tables,
09:40where, uh, it felt like anger wasn't managed,
09:45was celebrated.
09:46I don't think you can leave that mentality at work.
09:49Yeah.
09:49Um, I think there's only one in the list of professions
09:54you should date.
09:55Yep, and what is that, please?
09:57That is a woodworker, a canoe...
09:59Somebody who makes canoes by the coast.
10:02Carpenter.
10:03Solitary.
10:04Sorry, he's sad.
10:07LAUGHTER
10:07He's sad.
10:08He's been lonely, and he's...
10:10But he's carving that canoe and sanding it.
10:13I imagine he's quite thorough.
10:15Oh, yeah.
10:16Yes.
10:18LAUGHTER
10:19LAUGHTER
10:22Uh...
10:25Sorry.
10:27Um, you know what we've got an army of in the audience?
10:29Woodworkers, they're right there.
10:31No, no, gentlemen!
10:34Oh!
10:37Thank you, fire!
10:38Thank you, fire!
10:38They're amazing.
10:39Woodworkers.
10:40Thank you, woodworkers.
10:43Thank you, woodworkers.
10:43Quiet heroes.
10:44Yes!
10:46Liam, I think you are the speaker of the woodworkers, is that right?
10:50I think so, yeah.
10:51OK, um, have you ever made a canoe?
10:54Yeah, uh, and I'm very thorough.
10:59Um...
10:59Oh, dearie!
11:00Sanding and sanding, uh...
11:03What do you think about as you're sanding?
11:06Yeah, and...
11:06Do you think about love?
11:07All the time.
11:09LAUGHTER
11:10For the rest of you, any professions you'd steer clear of?
11:14Actors.
11:16LAUGHTER
11:16Livia?
11:17I think if you own or created an app...
11:20I think it's...
11:21What about the man who created Wordle for his girlfriend?
11:24It's so romantic.
11:25Oh, I didn't know that story.
11:26OK, not him.
11:27But all the other ones?
11:28You don't want an app created?
11:30All the ones that are coming to mind.
11:33LAUGHTER
11:34Do you know what I keep on thinking, where you're like,
11:35a woodworker, but it's got, like, a story.
11:38I'm like, you need to read the Bible.
11:41LAUGHTER
11:42My mind's going to be blown.
11:44I do.
11:45Yeah.
11:46I do.
11:47Yeah, yeah.
11:48APPLAUSE
11:49The album is called The Sound of a Woman.
11:51Right.
11:52The Sound of a Woman, I think, is just, shh.
11:54Exactly.
11:55I say that quite a lot.
11:57My husband has an idea.
11:59Exactly.
12:00Yes.
12:01That's another one.
12:03Here, Claude, I've got a...
12:04A-bub.
12:05A-bub-bub-bub.
12:05A-bub-bub.
12:07Yeah, go make the bed.
12:08Make it do his homework.
12:10No more words.
12:11One of my...
12:11One of my favourite noises a woman's ever made, I was in...
12:14Wow.
12:15Wait a minute.
12:15Wow.
12:16Wow.
12:17I saw a lady see Johnny Depp in the street,
12:22this is probably about 20 years ago, and the noise...
12:24I'll never do it justice, but she saw it and went,
12:26like...
12:27And it was...
12:28It was...
12:29It was so just...
12:31And you could sort of see it happening as he's walking down,
12:33various...
12:33He was just sort of gliding down the street,
12:37just causing various noises.
12:39Um, I could do something, but it's filthy.
12:41Do it.
12:42Just do it right now, before we...
12:42No, no, no.
12:43Yes!
12:47Yes!
12:48What are you doing?
12:49What are you doing?
12:50What are you doing?
12:51What are you doing?
12:52Here we!
12:53Here we!
12:54Here we fucking go!
12:55Here we!
12:57Here we!
12:58Here we fucking go!
12:59Audio!
13:00I was just making conversation.
13:02I can't do that.
13:03No, no.
13:04You're doing it.
13:04I'll tell you what I can do.
13:05I can do an extraordinary...
13:07It's audio only.
13:09Horse impression.
13:11Do you want to go round the back so that we can only hear you?
13:15And I have used it in foreplay.
13:20You make them laugh.
13:22Are you ready?
13:23Have a minute.
13:24You do it.
13:24It's audio.
13:25Just imagine.
13:26Wedding night, 28 years, guys.
13:29Ready?
13:30OK.
13:31Are you coming to bed?
13:32Yes.
13:33I get pretend hooves on.
13:34I don't.
13:35Great.
13:36Are you ready?
13:37Oh!
13:39Oh!
13:40Oh!
13:41Oh!
13:42Oh, yeah.
13:47We all work.
13:48We all work.
13:50That is the sound of a woman.
13:56Just to be clear.
13:57Oh, what a male.
14:01Jo-Am, you're doing all of these shows and you also would like to adopt a dog.
14:06I bought a house, finally on the ladder, I have a garden.
14:09Lovely.
14:09I was like, I'll obviously rescue a dog, because that's what you do.
14:12Are you adopted?
14:13Also, I'm adopted myself, so I feel it's only fair to pay it forward.
14:15Yeah.
14:16And, um...
14:20True.
14:23I'm a rescue...
14:24I'm a rescue driver.
14:25I'm a rescue!
14:27Yeah.
14:28So I would always rescue.
14:29I would never buy new.
14:31And, um...
14:32Shame on you for having your own children, Claudia.
14:34You should have done that.
14:37How dare you.
14:38So, anyway, I went, I rang up, and it is so hard.
14:42Yeah.
14:42And I'll probably get rinsed for saying this.
14:45But, like, I was like, blah, blah, blah, I want to adopt a little.
14:47And they were like, do you have a car?
14:49And I was like, no.
14:51I said, I have access to an e-scooter.
14:53And they were like, oh, do you don't have a car?
14:55And I was like, they're like, you can't adopt a dog.
14:58And I was like, what am I driving it to?
14:59It's piano lessons.
15:02I like the fact that I'm just like, we're having a chat,
15:05and Rafe looks like, help me, I want to talk about my play.
15:11Rafe, I'm going to talk to you about your play.
15:13I don't want you to panic and run away, screaming.
15:16I'm staying here.
15:16Yeah, good boy.
15:17Thank you.
15:18Um, the good boy was too much.
15:23As I said that, I was like, I'm uncomfortable.
15:27There will be an opening night, there will be a red carpet.
15:31Do you guys like a red carpet?
15:33Look at Olivia's face.
15:34Straight away.
15:35It's disgusting, isn't it?
15:37Well, when you've got all those people screaming at you,
15:41my reaction is to want to cry or run away.
15:45And so, like, I can't, I can't sort, like, it's sort of,
15:47all that energy gets put down and under my dress,
15:49my, like, right knee is quivering, like that.
15:51Yeah.
15:51It's like, um...
15:53But it's like, it's...
15:54No, but it can be quite scary.
15:56It's intense.
15:56Oh, 100%.
15:57And I don't know, there isn't, at least, when I,
16:01my first red carpet was in the year 2004 scary movie,
16:05and it felt confusing.
16:07I'm sure some of those photos, I am really like,
16:12caught, caught, like, I know I don't belong here on this red carpet.
16:18And I think you guys know that too.
16:20That's always the feeling of, like...
16:23Imposter syndrome.
16:24Yes.
16:25I feel like it's just a necessary evil.
16:28You know what I mean?
16:28Like, you've got to do the red carpet to get into the venue
16:31to quaff the free champagne to get the goody back.
16:33Yeah.
16:34It's the, it's the tax.
16:35Yeah.
16:36You know what I mean?
16:37Yeah.
16:39So true.
16:41In my life, and I'm 54, I've never met anybody who likes a red carpet.
16:46And then, Rafe, I meet you.
16:50Yeah.
16:51I've got evidence.
16:52Let's have a look.
16:53Exhibit one, please.
16:55Oh!
16:57He has a lot.
16:59That is a lot.
17:00I know what you're thinking.
17:01Guys, it's a one-off.
17:03Buckle up.
17:04His is number two.
17:06Yes.
17:07Oh!
17:08He's enjoying himself.
17:10That's nothing.
17:12Let's have number three.
17:14Oh!
17:16Yes.
17:17I'm going to keep it as an education.
17:20And finally, as we're all going, oh, and it's uncomfortable,
17:24and they're saying my name, Rafe Fiennes, ladies and gentlemen.
17:36So, why do you love it?
17:38You come out of the car, you're wearing a suit, you've got something,
17:41I don't know, you're just ready, and they're shouting, Rafe, Rafe,
17:43and you're like, I've come along.
17:44No, what happens?
17:46You get in the exact Rafe, Rafe, or, well, I met the name,
17:48and you go, mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm,
17:51and then suddenly a boredom factor kicks in.
17:54LAUGHTER
17:56All right.
17:58And you entertain yourself to get through the fucking thing.
18:01LAUGHTER
18:03That's a great strategy to do.
18:06I'm going to try to embrace that.
18:09Dawn and I, my friend Dawn French and I,
18:11once thought we'd be really daring, and we got an ecstasy tablet.
18:16Oh, goodness me.
18:17And we thought we could take...
18:18Well, I think it was something with a rabbit on it.
18:20It was about that big.
18:21LAUGHTER
18:22And we thought, one day, I said, well, be alone.
18:26Yeah.
18:26And then it became such a matter of planning
18:28as to when we could take half an ecstasy tablet.
18:33And so we kept it and kept it on Dawn's mantelpiece like that.
18:37And then one day, this is about six months later,
18:40when we'd gone, OK, we're ready.
18:42We had water.
18:43We had...
18:43We didn't know what to expect at all.
18:47The pill had gone.
18:48No!
18:50But your dog was looking lively that day.
18:53Oh, my God!
18:54And it was quite a relief.
18:56Yeah, you were like, thank goodness.
18:57Thank God we don't do that anymore.
18:58Yeah.
18:58Yeah.
18:59No drugs for us.
19:00The dog was out in the garden jumping up and down!
19:03LAUGHTER
19:03Having sex with the dragon.
19:05LAUGHTER
19:07Where did you first meet him?
19:09Where did I first meet Riz Ahmed?
19:11For legal purposes, I've been asked to frame this story...
19:15LAUGHTER
19:16We have to go back, like, 20 years.
19:19Could be a little bit more.
19:20And I'm from Coventry.
19:21I still live there.
19:23And I, before I did this, had different vocations.
19:26Mm-hm.
19:28One of my vocations was...
19:32..selling tulips.
19:33Let's go with that.
19:34LAUGHTER
19:35Let's go with that.
19:36Beautiful tulips they were.
19:38Right?
19:38I was a florist.
19:39People really liked the flowers.
19:40Every time they'd say,
19:41Brother, this flower is the best flower I ever smelt in my whole life.
19:45OK?
19:47I was in an alleyway with my still best friend till this day,
19:50and a gentleman comes running into the alleyway
19:52and when you're selling tulips late at night,
19:54everyone's on edge, yeah?
19:56LAUGHTER
19:58Go with it, guys.
19:59I looked down, I looked down the alleyway,
20:01and there's Riz Ahmed.
20:03I didn't know it was Riz Ahmed.
20:04And Riz Ahmed was a little bit nervous
20:06about the activity of floristry in this particular alleyway.
20:10LAUGHTER
20:10But to his credit, Riz decided to venture down there
20:13to me and my friend and said,
20:14My brothers, I'm about to spit some bars in the Students' Union.
20:19Would you like to join me?
20:21And I looked at my friend and said,
20:22Probably not, man.
20:23These tulips ain't gonna sell themselves, brothers.
20:25LAUGHTER
20:27My friend, who's a good person, he's a good geezer,
20:30he said, no, we should support this guy.
20:31He looks kind of stressed.
20:32So we accompanied him to the Students' Union.
20:35This is Oscar-winning Riz Ahmed 20 years ago.
20:37And he performed quite OKish rap music...
20:41LAUGHTER
20:42..to a group of six people in Coventry Students' Union.
20:47And ten years later,
20:48when I started doing, like, comedy and silly stuff like that,
20:51he messaged me and he goes,
20:53But can I ask you a question?
20:55I said, yeah.
20:56He said,
20:56Did you used to sell tulips?
20:59LAUGHTER
21:00In an alleyway in Coventry,
21:02and I said,
21:03Who are you, the police?
21:05Go away!
21:05LAUGHTER
21:07And that's the story of how me and Riz Ahmed...
21:09I mean...
21:10APPLAUSE
21:14Josh, could you try and explain to Dan who Mr Blobby is?
21:20OK, it's quite...
21:21So, there's...
21:24Bear in mind, this took four hours in the podcast.
21:27Right.
21:27I needed him 15 to 30 seconds.
21:29OK.
21:29There was a man called Noel Edmonds,
21:31he had a Saturday night TV show,
21:33and he used to prank people.
21:35It was huge.
21:35It was the biggest show on British TV.
21:37Massive.
21:37Massive.
21:37And he thought a good way of doing that would be to dress as a fake character,
21:41so they made Mr Blobby,
21:42which was a seven-foot rubber and pink thing that went,
21:45Blobby, Blobby, Blobby.
21:47LAUGHTER
21:47And then, you know...
21:48There's a photo.
21:50Is it?
21:50Yeah, go on.
21:51Yeah.
21:51Yeah!
21:52So, that's just to be clear, Noel is on the left.
21:55Very good.
21:56And, um...
21:56Bit of fun, come on.
21:58Good minded.
21:59Um, and so...
22:00And then the problem was that Mr Blobby became so popular...
22:04Terrifying.
22:05Popular?
22:06Yeah, yeah.
22:06With the British public.
22:08That he became...
22:10This is absolutely bone chilling.
22:12LAUGHTER
22:13If this creature showed up at my house, I would call the police.
22:17LAUGHTER
22:18So that Mr Blobby, he became so popular, he got a number one single.
22:22Yep.
22:22Right?
22:23A Christmas number.
22:23What do you mean?
22:24Blobby!
22:24He's Mr Blobby!
22:26Exactly, yeah.
22:27And then, he became so popular, they opened a string of Mr Blobby theme parks.
22:31Yes, they did!
22:33True.
22:33Yeah.
22:34That's our Mickey Mouse.
22:35Yeah.
22:37LAUGHTER
22:39APPLAUSE
22:39OK.
22:41APPLAUSE
22:43Um...
22:44Rita?
22:45Yes?
22:45A slight bone to pick with you.
22:47All right.
22:48You enjoy camping?
22:49Yeah.
22:49I love camping.
22:50But do you mean camping as in, we're coming, pitch up the tent and bring me a pet giraffe,
22:56or are you...
22:57I don't know, I've never camped.
22:59No.
23:00Or you're like driving and you're making a stove?
23:03Yes.
23:04We have one of those vans that is, you know, kitted out with a bed and a kitchen and everything,
23:10and there's nothing better than cooking in the outdoors.
23:12It is so fantastic, like, I don't know, there's something about being under the stars, and there's
23:18a lovely little...
23:20Lovely.
23:21..toilet in there, so it's very civilised.
23:23It's very civilised.
23:24Is it one of those where you have that blue liquid and you have to...
23:27No.
23:28They're very high-tech now.
23:29Oh, are they?
23:30Very, very high-tech.
23:31It's always...
23:32You know what I mean?
23:32It's that weird.
23:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:33Exactly.
23:34No.
23:34It's great, and then you're like...
23:36Terrible.
23:37You're not working away, you're shame.
23:40No, it's beautiful, and it's really, really great.
23:44Yeah, but it is that, sometimes you're like...
23:46And that's beautiful.
23:47Your friend's coming in in a minute.
23:49She's making the horse noises!
23:52I can't kill the move!
23:55Lisa, your character Valerie takes part in Traitors.
23:59Uh-huh.
24:00And...
24:01I know.
24:02And...
24:04And Valerie's stint on Traitors was inspired a little bit
24:08by somebody on the UK Traitors.
24:10Yes, it was.
24:11On Linda.
24:13Linda.
24:13Oh!
24:19Because...
24:20For those who haven't seen, and they...
24:24I'll just explain, Linda was the person who, and I said,
24:27Traitors will meet each other later, and looked at me and nodded.
24:32And there was a bit of Linda in it, wasn't there?
24:34A bit?
24:35Yeah.
24:35Oh, my God!
24:37Yeah, we had Valerie, someone saying, like,
24:39well, I think he's a traitor.
24:41And she says, oh, no, I can tell you 100%, he's a faithful.
24:44How do you know?
24:46Just, I have a feeling.
24:48I mean, you know, I don't...
24:49Don't you wish we knew who the traitor was?
24:52I do.
24:53Something so stressful, yeah.
24:55I love the fact it was based on Linda, and I think it's only right
24:58that you meet her.
24:59But...
24:59Oh, yes!
25:00Linda!
25:02Hi.
25:02Oh, way.
25:15And here I am.
25:17There you are.
25:20I love seeing you.
25:22I just somehow wanted Linda and Lisa together, even just for a minute.
25:28But, Linda, in your wildest dreams, when that happened and you looked at me and went,
25:33got it!
25:36Did you ever think that then the mighty Lisa Kudrow would use you as inspiration in her amazing
25:43show?
25:44No!
25:47Crazy.
25:48Absolutely crazy.
25:49On our show?
25:50She was voted out, like, that night.
25:53Oh, yeah.
25:53No.
25:54What was wrong with your group?
25:56To seven.
25:56Yes!
25:57To episode seven.
25:58They took a very long time.
26:00They took a very long time.
26:01Because you're very charming.
26:03Ladies and gentlemen, Linda.
26:05Thank you.
26:06Thank you, darling.
26:08Thank you, darling.
26:09Lovely to see you.
26:09Thank you, darling.
26:11Lovely to see you.
26:13Thank you, darling.
26:14Oh, my God.
26:16That was thrilling.
26:17That was thrilling.
26:19What the...?
26:19We're all still alive, though, yeah?
26:23Yes, we are.
26:24I just...
26:25I couldn't help it.
26:26When I watched, I was like...
26:27Uh-oh.
26:27Oh, hold on a minute.
26:29Yeah.
26:30I know, but they didn't vote her out.
26:31Sorry, none of them are here.
26:32So I can say, not bright.
26:35No.
26:35Thank you.
26:36LAUGHTER
26:39Um, Niall, I found out some other information about you, which I'm obsessed by.
26:43More information about me?
26:44For Vogue, you went through your beauty routine.
26:48Oh, jeez.
26:50I...
26:51Look at that!
26:52All right.
26:53And, by the way, it would not fit on these cards.
26:56Not even small font.
26:59LAUGHTER
26:59I...
27:00Oh, a clipboard!
27:01A clipboard!
27:02There are 22 steps.
27:04Wait.
27:05One, you light a candle to set the tone.
27:09LAUGHTER
27:09I'll explain.
27:10I'll explain.
27:10Give me a minute.
27:11Go on.
27:12I'll give her half an hour.
27:12Yeah, I was going to say.
27:14Four, there's a cold water splash.
27:16Pardon.
27:18Number nine is you play with big silver balls.
27:22LAUGHTER
27:23There are so many...
27:25Tell me what you actually do.
27:26I do quite a few of them, to be fair.
27:28I'm quite...
27:28I'm quite big into the skincare.
27:30Do the ice water in the morning, three or four dunks.
27:34LAUGHTER
27:35Actually, I'm going to action all the time.
27:37Yeah.
27:38We've got it.
27:39A couple of moisturisers and, like...
27:41Two moisturisers?
27:42A serum, a moisturiser, has to have a spray.
27:45Well, it's like a cold plunge for your face.
27:47Yeah.
27:47It's fucking freezing.
27:48He's actually 72 years old.
27:50Wow.
27:51He looks amazing!
27:52I don't, I don't.
27:53You did.
27:54I'm so impressed.
27:55I'm used to dealing with lads who've cleaned their face with a scrub daddy.
27:58I've never met anyone with this.
28:00It's every.
28:02LAUGHTER
28:02I need to move up in the world.
28:05Sorry, Scott.
28:05Yeah.
28:06Um, Guz, what are you doing in the morning?
28:09By the way, look how immaculate that skin is.
28:11I know, yeah.
28:12Like I wash my face.
28:16Sometimes, you know, sometimes, some mornings it's hard.
28:19My wife puts that, um...
28:21Is it like a blackhead strip?
28:22Yeah, what is that?
28:23Blackhead strips.
28:24I don't know what it is, but every time...
28:26Is.
28:26Every time she puts it on, she insists that she's the one to take it off.
28:31And when she peels it, she does the same thing every time.
28:34She peels it, looks at it and says, disgusting.
28:38So satisfying.
28:39Just so you know.
28:40Yeah, very satisfying though.
28:41Does she rip it off, like, quick or slow?
28:44It depends on the mood.
28:45Got it.
28:46Got it.
28:47I think what I'm...
28:48My plan is to, um...
28:50Two-step skincare and then just eventually get a gorgeous Korean facelift.
28:54Yeah.
28:55Wow.
28:56How...
28:57We can all be doing it.
28:58Yeah.
28:58I want it.
28:59They just yank you off.
29:01Yeah, they yank you off.
29:01Yeah, yank you right off.
29:03The problem is, where do the folds go?
29:04Who cares about the folds?
29:06Goes into the back of your ears.
29:07Right.
29:08I want my eyes on my head.
29:09I want so much plastic surgery.
29:10When they cremate me, I won't burn.
29:12I'll just...
29:14It just melts.
29:15I'll just melt.
29:18Yeah.
29:19I can't wait.
29:21It's good.
29:21It's good.
29:21It's good.
29:22I'll just shrink.
29:24Remember those crisp packets in the 90s they used to put in the oven?
29:26They'd just shrink.
29:27Yeah.
29:28That would be me.
29:28Fingers crossed.
29:29That's my goal.
29:30Yeah.
29:31It's a good goal.
29:32I like it.
29:33I want my eyes at the top of my head.
29:35Yeah.
29:36I want my ass on my back.
29:37That's what I want.
29:41Jeff, you've starred, obviously, in Oscar-nominated Wicked, the biggest musical film in recent memory.
29:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
29:50And I don't know whether this is true, but please say it is, that occasionally you would look down the
29:56lens and speak directly to the editor and say,
29:59I like that take.
30:00Is that true?
30:01Yes, I would do takes.
30:02I was trying to do a good job.
30:04And sometimes, as was my want to do, I think is the phrase, I would, after a take, I would
30:09go,
30:10and he would go, and cut.
30:12OK.
30:14Jeff says, Myron Kirstein.
30:16That's, I say, that's a good one.
30:18Just so you know, our editor is called Steve.
30:20He's happy with any notes you have.
30:24That's your camera.
30:25Over there.
30:26If you've said something that you're particularly proud of, you just say Steve.
30:29Steve.
30:29Yes, I think I've been lively tonight, Steve.
30:32And I say any, any genuine moment, that especially, I like the spontaneous ones.
30:38Yes.
30:38Where there's a real connection, which I've felt strongly with us.
30:42So I say, so far, anything is good for the show.
30:45Fine.
30:46Thank you.
30:47Steve will take that.
30:49Good, Steve.
30:50I trust you completely, Steve.
30:52James, I love the fact, we were chatting earlier, and you said, your favourite thing
30:56is when you're acting is watching the person who is acting right in front of you.
31:00Like, sometimes you're, and I love when acting, when you're so in awe.
31:03Yes.
31:04Oh, man.
31:04Sometimes, like, sometimes really good acting just makes it all seem seamless and all that
31:08kind of stuff.
31:08Sometimes you're working with somebody who just does something so good.
31:12You're like, oh, my God.
31:14And I was like that with your husband.
31:16Oh, really?
31:16Not that we acted together, but, like, I would go in and say, no, he wouldn't let me.
31:23And I do...
31:23We should say who your husband is.
31:25Just tell the group.
31:27You're married to.
31:29Just so you know.
31:30Yes.
31:31Tell me.
31:32I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you have all this time being married to Tom Hanks.
31:37Yes, I am.
31:38And I, yep, he does deserve that.
31:42I don't know why I do this thing sometimes when I get around famous people,
31:46when they kind of go like, hey, what's up?
31:48What are you going to get for lunch?
31:48And they've just been totally normal.
31:50And I'm like, I feel so uncomfortable.
31:53And I go into this weird sort of over, like, almost put on working class thing.
31:59And I'm like, all right, man.
31:59I know I'm going to get some chips or something.
32:03I'm going to get, like, I drive a Punto.
32:05Do you know what I mean?
32:06Why would you drive a Ferrari, eh?
32:08I'm going to get some bread with butter.
32:12I'm going to get some caviar.
32:13And I don't know why that happens.
32:15Yeah, of course.
32:16I don't like it.
32:17It's a bit like, you know, when you really fancy somebody?
32:20Yeah.
32:21But early on, you know, with the first person, I find somebody so badly when I was 17,
32:24he would speak to me and I would just be sick.
32:27Like that character in South Park.
32:29He was like, everything right?
32:30Blech!
32:33Guys, before you got into comedy and before all of this, you were a teacher.
32:40I was a teacher.
32:41What kind of a teacher were you?
32:44A shit one.
32:46LAUGHTER
32:47I don't believe that.
32:48I just don't believe that.
32:50What did...
32:51I believe that.
32:51I believe that.
32:53I believe that.
32:54You can see it.
32:55That tracks.
32:55Yeah, sure.
32:56What did you teach?
32:58Well, here's the thing.
33:00So when you do your PGCE, specialise in teaching, you do that in a specific subject or set of subjects.
33:09I never got round to teaching those specific sets of subjects.
33:12Nice.
33:13So, like, I was basically like a really good big brother forward slash that fun uncle around school.
33:20And I would like to hope to think maybe that I had contributed in a positive way to the children
33:25of Grace Academy in Coventry.
33:26If I didn't and you failed your GCSEs, I apologise.
33:29LAUGHTER
33:29That is the plot to School of Rock without the music.
33:32Yeah.
33:32Exactly.
33:33Can I tell you something?
33:34Yeah.
33:35Your students loved you.
33:36Did they love me?
33:37They loved you.
33:38Would you like to say hello to them?
33:39No, stop it.
33:40I'm going to cry.
33:41Shut the front door.
33:41I'm going to cry.
33:42Good, ma'am.
33:45What?!
33:46Hey, Mr. Khan!
33:49Yes!
33:51Yes!
33:52Yes!
33:52Yes!
33:53Yes!
33:54Yes!
33:55Yes!
34:03Yes!
34:04Yes!
34:04You're 25 now!
34:05Yes!
34:05Yes!
34:07Oh no!
34:09Yes!
34:11Yes!
34:13Yes!
34:14You bought all the brown ones!
34:19Bu ne?
34:21Yeni kız kızlar var.
34:22İlginin bir şey.
34:23Bir şey yapma, bir şey yapma.
34:25Bu ne?
34:26Hayır.
34:28Ne?
34:29Mekke bir şey.
34:30Evet, bakımla.
34:31Bir şey yapma.
34:32Bir şey yapma.
34:35Ben, bir şey yapma.
34:35Bir şey yapma, bir şey yapmak istemiş.
34:39Bir şey yapma.
34:41Bir şey yapma.
34:42Bir şey yapmak.
34:43Bir şey yapma.
34:44İyiydi çok daha güzel.
34:48Sizginler, bu.
34:50İyiydi,
34:51İki
34:51Hüftü
34:52Hüftü
34:52Ön
34:53İyiydi
34:54İyiydi
34:54İyiydi
34:54İyiydi
34:56İyiydi
35:02İyiydi
35:03I was like, I thought I was in trouble, right?
35:05He was like, I can't be asked to do the presentation,
35:08slide next button, you sit there and you do it for me.
35:11LAUGHTER
35:12I was like, safe, right?
35:15But then the thing is, I was quite shy
35:17up until I had Mr Khan as my teacher.
35:20And again, he was that fun uncle vibes, right?
35:23Where he made me feel comfortable
35:25and I started to gain a bit of confidence from that.
35:27But even after he left, knowing what he pursued
35:31was enough to inspire myself to pursue something different.
35:36You know, when you come from Coventry
35:38and you come from a South Asian background,
35:39you're not always pushed to do something creative.
35:42So now, you know, I went to uni, I passed.
35:45Yeah.
35:46I got an art degree, I got art degree, and, and, and...
35:52And, yeah, it was like...
35:54You contributed more than you think.
35:56Oh!
35:59Come on!
36:03APPLAUSE
36:04How was the family?
36:04Are you OK?
36:07Nafiz, tell us about Mr Khan.
36:08Nafiz, why are you sweating so much?
36:11LAUGHTER
36:12I don't know what I'm allowed to say
36:13and not allowed to say, innit?
36:15The brother's got tulips in his inside pocket,
36:17I don't know what...
36:18LAUGHTER
36:20Now, you know what it is?
36:21This guy, he made us all feel like you can go out
36:24and do anything that you want.
36:26Coventry's...
36:27Coventry's going for tulips.
36:29LAUGHTER
36:30Brilliant.
36:32Well done.
36:33Everyone there in some sort of florist,
36:35one way or another...
36:36LAUGHTER
36:38No-one really thinks of Coventry and thinks,
36:39Oh, yeah, like, someone's going to come out of there.
36:42So, to see somebody go out and do it, like,
36:44I'll be the first one to say it.
36:45And everyone in Coventry has guzzers back in.
36:46Like, we're super proud of what you've done.
36:50APPLAUSE
36:57Now, we are nearly at the end of the show.
37:00I cannot express this enough
37:01that we are deeply unqualified to answer questions,
37:05but lovely people in the audience have questions.
37:09And so, anybody who has a question, please.
37:12Um, yes, sir.
37:14Right? Yeah.
37:15So, hello, my name is Balder.
37:17I've got a dating question.
37:18I've just recently started dating...
37:31..this girl, and I think it's going really well, you know?
37:35But I'm afraid that maybe she's into, like, star signs.
37:39No, get out.
37:41Well...
37:42Is that a red flag?
37:44When was she born?
37:46LAUGHTER
37:47I don't know, but, you know, the irony is that we met
37:50filming a music video and she was literally in a star-shaped costume.
37:55Oh! So, I don't know, like...
37:56Oh, that feels like a classic Sagittarius.
38:00LAUGHTER
38:01First of all, we said we wouldn't bring this here.
38:04LAUGHTER
38:09You said you were just coming to support me tonight.
38:15LAUGHTER
38:17I mean, why would that be...
38:19Why would that be a bad thing?
38:22LAUGHTER
38:23I think somebody being into star signs is a big red flag for me.
38:29This is going to go down badly.
38:31If you'd made me guess, I'd have guessed you're into star signs, Claudia.
38:34LAUGHTER
38:35Is that true?
38:36I could burst into two.
38:38LAUGHTER
38:38That's almost the most offensive thing
38:40that anybody has ever said to me.
38:43Why? We want to hear it.
38:44Let's go deep on this.
38:45Where is the trauma?
38:46Why do we not like star signs?
38:48This was my last show!
38:51LAUGHTER
38:51I've talked about your podcast!
38:54LAUGHTER
38:57Erm...
38:59I've done everything I had to do.
39:03I...
39:03Can I say this?
39:05Yeah.
39:05We won't put it out.
39:06I think people who believe in star signs are sick.
39:10LAUGHTER
39:15LAUGHTER
39:15LAUGHTER
39:16LAUGHTER
39:17LAUGHTER
39:18LAUGHTER
39:22Oh, my God!
39:24Yes, here we go. Go on, Don.
39:25My question is, I want to tell people when they're being annoying
39:30to help them be less annoying, but then I look like a...a bitch.
39:36LAUGHTER
39:37So, what's the best way to handle this?
39:40LAUGHTER
39:40When you say people, how many people are we talking about?
39:44I mean, it happens every day.
39:46Like, there's a lot of...there's a lot of people I would like to tell that to.
39:50LAUGHTER
39:51Well, the adage would be, if you meet three arseholes before noon,
39:55you're the arsehole.
39:56LAUGHTER
40:05It's tough love.
40:08LAUGHTER
40:09I didn't know...
40:10I didn't know it was going to go this way.
40:13LAUGHTER
40:14Would you like a gentler piece of advice?
40:17No, it's all right.
40:18LAUGHTER
40:19I'm so sorry.
40:20I think you've learned something.
40:21LAUGHTER
40:23Me too.
40:24And that's what life's about.
40:26LAUGHTER
40:27I mainly do dick jokes.
40:29LAUGHTER
40:30LAUGHTER
40:31No, I like this, Jimmy, as well.
40:33Wow.
40:34What do you do?
40:34I feel like I should...
40:35What do you do?
40:36My best.
40:37LAUGHTER
40:47What do you do for me?
40:49I'm training to be a therapist.
40:52LAUGHTER
40:54I mean...
40:57I mean...
40:58I'm not sure if it's the job for you.
41:01LAUGHTER
41:06Anybody else?
41:08My question is, what do you think is the meaning of life?
41:16LAUGHTER
41:20I like it.
41:21I...
41:22I'm surprised by it and let's run with it.
41:26Rafe?
41:27LAUGHTER
41:31Um...
41:35Is that alcohol?
41:37Yeah, it's true.
41:38It's a good girl.
41:40LAUGHTER
41:42LAUGHTER
41:44LAUGHTER
41:48Good friendships.
41:50Enjoyment of food.
41:52Really?
41:53Um...
41:54Acceptance of death.
41:55LAUGHTER
41:56Oh, that's...
41:57Be cool about death.
41:58Be cool about death.
42:00Be cool about death.
42:00Yeah, that's it.
42:01Wow.
42:01That's really good.
42:02APPLAUSE
42:05That's...
42:05I like it.
42:06That's really good.
42:07Thank you so much.
42:09OK, we've got one...
42:10One final question.
42:13APPLAUSE
42:13Oh, there we go.
42:14There we go.
42:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:37You people are fucking crazy.
42:39LAUGHTER
42:41Yes, you in the pink.
42:43Oh, my God.
42:46Oh, my God.
42:52Is that...
42:54Is that how we talk?
42:55Yeah.
42:56Have some respect.
42:57OK.
42:57Go on.
42:58Blub, blub, blub, blub, blub.
43:00Blub, blub, blub.
43:01Blub, blub.
43:03Blub, blub.
43:03Josh, would you like to answer that, please?
43:05Um, I think you should put the perfume bottle in something first.
43:09LAUGHTER
43:10APPLAUSE
43:14Thank you, thank you so much for watching.
43:18Goodnight.
43:19LAUGHTER
43:19Blub!
43:20That's the problem.
43:22Blub!
43:23Blub!
43:24Blub!
43:25Blub!
43:28Blub!
43:29Blub!
43:29Blub!
43:29It's out!
43:32Blub!
43:34Bye, Bluby.
43:36Blub!
43:37Blub!
43:38That's what he does.
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