- 18 hours ago
Family Guy - Season 24 - Episode 11: Tall Stewie
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00:01It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:15Lucky is a family guy. Lucky is a man who wants a thing we can do.
00:21All the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:25He's a family guy!
00:35Wait a minute. This isn't the Patriots game.
00:38Peter, I told you we're going to church today because we're being honored for our charity work.
00:44What charity work?
00:45Remember that day I dragged you all here so we could make eight sandwiches for the homeless?
00:49Well, they're giving us a paper certificate in front of everybody.
00:53I hope the priest who plays basketball is here today.
01:01You made me put on a suit for this? This thing is way too tight.
01:04I've been telling you to buy a new suit for 20 years.
01:07And we're dressed up because this is a big deal for me.
01:10But that maybe teenager, maybe man is wearing his Undertaker sweatshirt.
01:16Aw, and he gets to do iPad time?
01:20Stop squirming. Can you be a normal husband for one day?
01:24Mwah!
01:25Before we begin, I would like to honor one family's outstanding service to the community.
01:30It's not the basketball one.
01:32Please put your hands together for the winners of the third annual Jesus Christ Memorial Award,
01:38The Griffins!
01:42I do apologize. Our printer ran out of ink, so this is just a blank piece of paper.
01:49We would also be delighted if you'd take the First Communion.
01:54But Peter's suit pants had been pushed so far to the edge that one measly wafer was more than they
02:00could take.
02:03Peter!
02:05What a buffoon.
02:06She married him?
02:07Next week, we won't be here because we're going to Virginia Beach.
02:10It's not that bad.
02:11Let he who has not split his pants in church cast the first stone.
02:16Ow!
02:16Stop!
02:17Hey, Stewie, what's going on?
02:27Brian, I've just received an invitation to the toddler social event of the season.
02:31Wow, what is it?
02:32It's a nighttime costume party, and it starts at 5.30.
02:36Uber strongly encouraged. I better reserve mine now.
02:42Oh, boy.
02:48Wait a minute. This isn't the Patriots game.
02:51Look, we are shopping for new pants.
02:53I can't believe you showed the entire church your bare ass.
02:56Well, I'm just glad everything is back to normal.
02:59No, it isn't. You didn't even change your pants.
03:02I mean, look at you. You're a mess.
03:04You are lucky we're married because no other woman would ever find you attractive.
03:08Aw, yeah?
03:09Hey, Peter Griffin. You may recognize me from a certain piece of Rhode Island legislation called Griffin's Law.
03:16You can't use the bathroom and a steakhouse unless you order something.
03:19Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
03:22Oh, God. Peter, you are embarrassing yourself.
03:25You're an overweight, middle-aged man who just had to have a priest tape his ass shut in front of
03:29all our friends and family.
03:30Do you know how unusual it is for a priest to tape one of those shut?
03:39How was the party?
03:41All right, I want to tell you, but before I do, do you know the maid's parts from I Could
03:45Have Danced All Night?
03:46No.
03:46All right, well, the point is I could have danced all night.
03:49Well, I'm glad you had fun. Let's get you to bed.
03:52Huh. Something feels different.
03:54Do you... do you have a little bald spot?
03:56What? No. It's time for bed, Stewie. Come on.
03:59No.
04:00What did you say?
04:01I said no. You go to bed, you short, bald bitch.
04:08I can't believe Lois thinks I'm unattractive. Do all women see me this way?
04:13You know, if you really want to test your desirability, you should set up a profile on a dating app.
04:17You know, like Stumble or Paraplegics.
04:20You're right. I'll just marry a second woman.
04:23No, Peter, you won't actually meet up with anybody. You just get on the app to see if women match
04:28with you.
04:28Then you have proof that you're attractive.
04:31Joe, you're a genius.
04:32Peter, as a married man, surely you shouldn't join a dating app.
04:37I'm sorry, guys, but I have to do this.
04:39When you die, you don't think about how much money you had. You think about how many matches you got.
04:44Chris, come closer. One of my matches was a Latina.
04:50You've said that several times now.
04:52She was from the Caribbean. That's even better.
04:55It's okay for you to go now.
04:57Big... fat ass.
04:59Does anyone have a pillow?
05:06All right, my profile is all set up. Now the matches roll in.
05:11Proud owner of new pants.
05:14And your only photo is of you arguing over your bill at the Ponderosa Steakhouse? Who took this?
05:19There were a lot of people with their phones out. It got loud.
05:22I once saw Steven Tyler at the airport. I guess that's interesting adjacent.
05:28Steven Tyler? What terminal?
05:30Qantas.
05:31Huh. No kidding. Qantas.
05:33Jeez, Peter, you're sitting on the Rolls Royce of anecdotes.
05:36Peter, this isn't gonna cut it. You need to present a perfectly curated profile, and we're gonna help you.
05:41Wow, thanks, guys.
05:43Now, let's go take some photos that suggest you have literally any hobbies besides drinking.
05:49Hey, listen, do you think I could tell that Steven Tyler story like it's my own? It'd really help me
05:54out.
05:54Yeah, sure. Go ahead.
05:56And right there in the middle of the Qantas terminal is Mr. Ragdoll himself, Steven Tyler.
06:02Wow, what an amazing sighting. Can I tell that story like it's my own?
06:06No.
06:11Hey, Brian.
06:12Wait, we literally look like Schwarzenegger and DeVito in Twins.
06:16Oh, my God, this is everything!
06:21Oh, God, life is funny, man.
06:24All right, get out of my seat.
06:25So, whoever's the tallest just gets to do whatever they want?
06:28I mean, I didn't say it, but it sounds like a good system.
06:31Okay, if that's how you want it.
06:32Whoa, you said that knowing you were taller than me.
06:36Yeah, who's a short, bald bitch now?
06:39You bastard, how'd you do it?
06:42Gardening clogs.
06:43Why is funny? The joke is he wears normal shoes?
06:48I don't get it either.
06:49Now, let's cut your bangs in the back of your hair in a very normal way
06:54while I sing the Dutch national anthem.
06:57Windmills blowing in the wind
06:59and tulips and chocolate are also good.
07:02All right, Peter, if you're gonna have a profile that can compete with the best of them,
07:05first, we need something to show that you're politically active.
07:08Yeah, but these days you can't risk isolating anybody.
07:11You need to make a strong yet vague political statement.
07:14Here, take this sign.
07:15We are us? What does that mean?
07:18Kinda just sounds like nothing.
07:19You think we aren't us?
07:22I... I guess not.
07:23You'll also want to wrap yourself in this American flag.
07:26Are those question marks?
07:27Look who's asking the right questions.
07:31All right, now just kneel down in front of this fire station
07:34so the whole thing seems vaguely related to law enforcement.
07:41Next, we want to show women that you're easygoing and outdoorsy.
07:45Let's get a picture of you holding this surfboard.
07:48Now let's get one in just my swim trunks.
07:51I'll simply take off this damp wetsuit.
08:13Can you guys help me?
08:15Sorry, Peter. Our hands are covered in beach taco aioli.
08:29Outdoorsy.
08:37Oh, hey, Chris.
08:38Are you Slenderman?
08:40What? No. It's me, Stewie.
08:42Well, I think I'll go kill some people in the woods just in case.
08:45Seems like he was going to do that regardless.
08:47Hey, Brian. I have something to show you.
08:51Oh, good. I was just looking for you.
08:53Uncle Sam stilts on Amazon?
08:54Uncle Sam stilts on Amazon.
08:55Yeah, they get real cheap after President's Day.
08:57Well, I'm off to go establish myself as the town tall guy.
09:01Yeah, right. More like town small fry.
09:04Oof. Major short king energy, Bri.
09:08Hey, how you doing? Beautiful day for it.
09:11Hey!
09:12Ah, crap.
09:14Ha! How's the weather down there, pipsqueak?
09:17I don't know, Bruno Mars.
09:19How is it not being allowed on roller coasters and putting out album after album of undeniable hits?
09:28Time out. Time out. I can't breathe.
09:32Hey, boys. Out for a run?
09:34Oh, hey, yeah. We're just putting these bad boys to use. We're all about being active.
09:39That's so awesome. I'm Sydney and this is Odette.
09:43You know, as runway fashion models, it's hard to find men who are tall enough for us.
09:47Is it just me or is every guy these days a short, bald bitch?
09:51No way. We were literally just saying that.
09:53Hey, you guys should come out with us tonight.
09:56We're going to a club that's free for us to get into but $45 for you.
09:59Oh, word.
09:59Here's our Instagram handles.
10:01We both do sponsor posts but have few enough followers that it's confusing why anyone is paying us.
10:06See you later.
10:07Brian, do you know what this means?
10:09We get to have sex with models.
10:11We get to have sex with models.
10:11Oh, yeah. And sex with models. So dope.
10:17I launched a profile with the pictures we took and I ain't gotten a single match.
10:21And I've been messaging everyone.
10:22Just to reiterate, you are murried.
10:25You're right. I can't give up.
10:27Maybe the app just isn't working.
10:28Quagmire, try sending me a test message.
10:36Ah, Peter, it's me.
10:38And the message just said test.
10:39There's not a single woman on here who's even slightly interested in me.
10:43Maybe Lois was right.
10:44I am completely undesirable.
10:47She doesn't want me.
10:48She doesn't want me.
10:49She doesn't want me.
10:50Wait a minute.
10:51Back up to that last one.
10:55Huh?
10:55Lois has a profile on a dating app?
10:58Oh, my God.
10:59I have a profile on a dating app?
11:01Oh, boy, Peter.
11:02I think all those concussions over the years are starting to add up.
11:05Let me take you to the blue tent.
11:06And Peter is now being helped over to the blue tent.
11:09That is not something that anyone wants to see.
11:12Yeah, Peter's had his bell rung a few times.
11:14At this point, you think someone would step in.
11:17And now it looks as if Peter has farted inside the blue tent
11:20and they're going to let it air out before continuing the evaluation.
11:24I think we're looking at a fart joke, Jim.
11:26Oh, boy.
11:27Looks like they're taking Peter's pants away.
11:29This might be it for Peter for the night.
11:32Sounds like he misjudged that fart joke.
11:34Oop.
11:35And they're putting the pants on the cart.
11:37They're driving him out of here.
11:39Oh, that's great.
11:40You always like to see that.
11:47I can't believe Lois is on a dating app.
11:49I don't know what to do, guys.
11:51Well, why don't you just talk to her honestly about it?
11:54You know what, Cleveland?
11:55This might be funny to you, but I have a real problem here.
11:58Well, you can't confront Lois directly or else she'll know you have a profile on the app, too.
12:02Why don't you tell Lois that Quagmire saw her on the app?
12:05Yeah, sorry, Joe, but Lois would know that I have an under-30 filter.
12:09Kind of unrealistic.
12:10Well, then it seems I'll just have to go convince her to out herself in my own subtle manner.
12:21And where have you been?
12:23I was at the grocery store.
12:25How did you make it dark in here at 3 p.m.?
12:27Did you come home with any dates or eggplants?
12:31Look, if you are craving Lebanese food, you have to let me know before I go to the store.
12:36Let me ask you this.
12:37When you're going number two, which way do you swipe?
12:40Uh, back to front?
12:42Oh, boy.
12:43Well, then we have two problems.
12:44What's gotten into you lately?
12:46That's exactly what I want to know about you!
12:49Yo, we doing Lebanese tonight?
12:51I could high-key wreck some baba ganoush.
12:53Go back to your room.
12:55You're done for the day.
12:56Deuces!
13:04Stewie, this is a dance club. We can't dance on these things.
13:07Relax, Brian. Just stand in place and dance with your hands.
13:14So, am I the tallest guy you've ever dated?
13:17No, I used to date Shaq.
13:19Oh, cool, cool.
13:22You may not be impressed with what I'm working with.
13:24You know, you can't wear underwear with this dress.
13:27Oh, no! Did you keep the receipt?
13:33Oh, my God! That was amazing!
13:35I'm so glad you just came alive again after that Narcan.
13:38Because you were like, oh, I'm dead.
13:39And then you were like, ah, I'm okay, let's go.
13:41I mean, if anything, you were more fun after the Narcan.
13:44Aw, you're so sweet.
13:46We had such a good time with you guys tonight.
13:48We were wondering if you'd want to meet up again tomorrow and have some real fun.
13:54Yeah, yeah, we could be down.
13:56Cool.
13:59Stewie, this is amazing! Those girls want to have sex!
14:02Oh, hell yeah! I'm gonna have sex like a real grown-up!
14:05I can picture it now.
14:07What's in your sex briefcase?
14:09Oh, all kinds of grown-up sex stuff.
14:14I am so sorry. This never happens.
14:20I gave Lois the perfect chance to come clean about cheating, and she didn't tell me anything.
14:24Which is why I'm resorting to Plan B.
14:26Make a fake profile and see if she responds to it.
14:31Derek Bandana?
14:32Peter, who is this?
14:33It's Chris's hot school bus driver.
14:35I gave him 20 bucks to pose for pictures, and based on his reaction, I probably could have gone a
14:40lot lower.
14:40Rogan, Bourbon, Jim, repeat? He gets drunk and then works out?
14:45All we gotta do now is play the waiting game until Lois takes the bait.
14:50Oh, she swiped right.
14:51What do I do?
14:53Ask her to dinner.
14:54If she says yes, then you know she's cheating and you can divorce her so she can get remarried to
14:58whichever one of your friends she wants.
15:03Oh, my God! Lois is cheating on me!
15:06Damn! Mom will open it up for anybody!
15:09Meg, we said you're done. Get out of Quagmire's house.
15:12Deuces. New catchphrase.
15:18Are you sure we're in the right place?
15:20This is the address they told me. A little public for my taste, but I can make do.
15:24Let me just pay the sun-bleached, scratched-out parking meter that I can't see at all.
15:29What? I can't...
15:31Alright, we're either good for two hours or we're gonna get towed.
15:35Hi, boys! Before we have some real fun, we like to work up a sweat. And since we know you
15:41two are so active, we want you to do our beach Olympics.
15:44Hey, if this is the Olympics, call me Usain Bolt because you're making me crazy!
15:50Okay!
15:51Brian, I don't know if this is a good idea. Why don't we just take off the stilts and go
15:55home?
15:55Are you kidding me? I don't want to go back to being a short-balled bitch. I'm about to get
15:59laid by a runway model.
16:00Right, right. Being tall. Getting laid.
16:12Was it good for you, too?
16:15Is everything okay?
16:17Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. A-okay over here. Let's do this thing.
16:20Are you sure you don't want to change?
16:22No, I only ever exercise in a black wool duster and pleated gabadine pants.
16:26Awesome! Follow us!
16:37Come on, boys!
16:39Just race to us! And then we'll head to the beach house to unwind in the hot tub.
16:43It's not our house, but anything that belongs to rich, horny guys also technically belongs to us!
16:49I don't think I can do this anymore.
16:50Stewie, you have to push through. You know how good hot tub sex is?
16:54I gotta tell you something I've never told anyone before. I don't think I know what sex is.
17:00Well, screw it. I'm going, with or without you. I guess that makes me the tall guy.
17:05You son of a-
17:06took over the top.
17:07No god!
17:09Ain't he?
17:31thermos!
17:32Yeah!
17:35I'm gonna kill him too.
17:51So, this whole time, you were just a baby and a dog on stilts?
17:56You're not also a baby and a dog on stilts, are you?
17:59No, we are not.
18:01Then I guess we are done here.
18:04Stewie, I'm really sorry.
18:06No, no, I get it. You wanted to have sex with those girls.
18:09Hell, I did too.
18:10It wasn't just that.
18:12Seeing you taller than me made me realize that I'll always be this height.
18:15But soon, I'm going to have to watch you grow up.
18:18I guess I was just worried you'd outgrow me as a friend, too.
18:22Oh, you just don't want to be the short one.
18:24Well, who does?
18:25Oh, Brian, don't worry. You'll always be my best friend.
18:32Check it out. Looks like our dates have already moved on.
18:37Yeah, we could never compete with those muscle guys.
18:45All right. Time to catch Lois red-handed.
18:51Well, well, well. I bet you weren't expecting to see me here.
18:56Peter, I knew you were Derek Bandana the whole time.
18:59What? How?
19:00You think I wouldn't recognize Chris's bus driver?
19:03Also, I could see your reflection in his sunglasses.
19:06And Chris is behind him in the photo.
19:09And I am behind Chris.
19:10Okay, you might have known I was Derek Bandana,
19:13but that doesn't explain why you're sleeping with guys on that app.
19:16Oh, Peter, that's not why I'm on there.
19:18Yeah. I've never swiped on anyone.
19:20It's just...
19:21It's nice to get attention from men.
19:24I'd never act on it, but it helps my self-esteem.
19:28After all, I'm not getting any younger,
19:30and sometimes I start to wonder how desirable I still am.
19:33That's exactly why I made a profile, too.
19:36I was feeling so lousy after our conversation at the pants store
19:40that I got on the app to try to prove that women like me.
19:43Oh, Peter, I'm sorry.
19:45I never should have said those things to you.
19:47And I'm sorry for spending thousands of dollars on your credit card
19:50to boost my dating app profile.
19:52You know, maybe we should just compliment each other once in a while, huh?
19:57I don't know. That feels like a lot.
19:59What do you say?
19:59Delete our apps on the count of three?
20:03One, two, three.
20:08Damn it, Peter.
20:10Yes, I'm up.
20:17Thanks for helping me with the dating app, guys.
20:19But Lois and I made up, and everything's back to normal.
20:22Glad to hear it.
20:23You got it.
20:24You guys are never going to believe this.
20:26Steven Tyler is in the bathroom.
20:28Joe, stealing my Steven Tyler airport story is one thing,
20:31but this is just pathetic.
20:32I'm serious!
20:34We're trying to have a conversation here, man.
20:36Oh.
20:39Sorry, Steven.
20:40They didn't want to come say hi.
20:42For the last time, I'm not Steven Tyler,
20:44and you really shouldn't be looking under the stall doors like that.
20:47Going incognito.
20:49I like it.
20:50Hey, what was it like when that firework blasted your cornea off in 77?
20:54Man, I don't know.
20:56Probably bad.
20:57No kidding.
20:59Steven Tyler in my handicap stall.
21:02No kidding.
21:05No kidding.
21:11No kidding.
21:20No kidding.
21:25Go ahead.
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