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00:00Hello, how are you? Fine, thank you. Good.
00:04Quite giggly.
00:06This is when we put the best bits of the show together. Have you watched any of it? I watched
00:12one. Okay.
00:17Only because I go to bed early. No, so do I.
00:53Does that always happen, just screaming? Every single day of my life.
00:58I'm just walking into the shop, just, ah!
01:00Drink, drink, have a beer.
01:02I'm not going to lie, I'm shitting myself, Claudia.
01:04No.
01:07Rachel, your best friend is your biggest fan.
01:11Yeah, which I'm sure you get this a lot.
01:13When I was growing up and One Direction was getting very popular,
01:16I was getting into Les Miserables, so I wasn't really...
01:19Me too, me too.
01:21I've seen it multiple times.
01:22Yes, of course. And my best friend, when I was a kid,
01:25I've known her since I was one.
01:26Her name is Carly, and she had a cardboard cut out of you
01:30in her bedroom, so when we had sleepovers...
01:34Do you know who watched me sleep?
01:36Ah!
01:38It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now!
01:43It really is quite intense to see you in the flesh.
01:47Thank you all so much for coming, because, Jimmy,
01:50you got in from Australia literally this morning.
01:53Well, I flew from Australia but via Los Angeles,
01:56Oh!
01:57So it was...
01:58I went...
01:58I'm basically trying to prove Flat Earthers wrong.
02:01LAUGHTER
02:03How do you deal with it?
02:04What's the answer?
02:05Lisa, what's your...
02:06Do you have an answer?
02:07You get on the plane...
02:09Drugs.
02:11LAUGHTER
02:12But weren't you supposed to eat?
02:13I can't travel anywhere.
02:14I can't go to Manchester, I get jet lag.
02:16I've never...
02:17Yeah.
02:17It's true.
02:18I've never moved.
02:19But I don't think you're supposed to eat.
02:21I think you're not supposed to eat.
02:22You know when to eat on the plane, right?
02:24I don't eat plain food.
02:26You don't?
02:27I do if I'm hungry.
02:29LAUGHTER
02:31That's how food works.
02:33LAUGHTER
02:34I read once that you love meat.
02:38I always travel with like biltong.
02:40It's like a cured sort of...
02:42Beef?
02:43Dead animals, yeah, yeah.
02:44And when you say, like, do you take a sliver or are you taking a bag?
02:47I take like a big bag just to get me through.
02:51Yeah, a big sort of fatty bag of sort of old meat.
02:56LAUGHTER
02:57And fatty?
02:58What's happening?
03:00You can get like pre-packaged stuff in supermarkets.
03:02It's terrible.
03:02I feel like I need a visual of it.
03:04I don't know what it looks like.
03:04No, I go to like a South Africa...
03:06Like a South Africa...
03:06Is it the store?
03:08Like a South Africa themed store.
03:10But does the meat...
03:11Is it odiferous?
03:13Like, does it smell really bad?
03:15I don't think it smells bad,
03:16but I think other people might think it smells bad.
03:19I don't know.
03:20Just curious.
03:20It smells good.
03:20You know.
03:21Yeah.
03:22It smells good.
03:23Are you a meat eater?
03:24I love meat, yeah.
03:25Listen, I'll bring you to the South Africa themed shop.
03:29OK.
03:30This is the worst episode of first dates ever.
03:34Um, Chase Infinity.
03:36The best name on the sofa.
03:37Yeah.
03:38The best name I think I've ever heard.
03:40Hey!
03:40Um, your parents are very clever.
03:42How did they put it together?
03:44They...
03:45They had watched Batman Forever and Nicole Kidman played a character named
03:48Chase Meridian.
03:49And they were like, regardless of anything, her name is going to be Chase
03:51because they were obsessed with Nicole Kidman in that movie.
03:55And then Infinity comes from Toy Story to Infinity and beyond.
03:58And I've just gone by Chase Infinity since I was ten.
04:02So...
04:02I love that.
04:03They sort of decided what you were going to do before they even met you.
04:06Kind of crazy.
04:07Literally crazy how that happened, but yeah.
04:09And what's your sister called?
04:11Her name is Dolce.
04:11And she's into fashion.
04:13She went to school for fashion.
04:15Is that all you have to do with your kids?
04:17Yeah.
04:18I wish I'd known.
04:20Yeah, I know.
04:20I would have given my kids different names.
04:24Um, Rita, thank you for coming because you've come from very far.
04:28But you love London.
04:29You used to live here.
04:30I do love London.
04:31Yes.
04:31I went to drama school here at Lambda a very long time ago.
04:35But it was super fun.
04:36And it was...
04:37It was, you know, like you're living in England.
04:39You're in London.
04:40I saw so much theatre.
04:42It was absolutely fantastic.
04:44Yeah.
04:44So when you come back, you're like, I remember this little shop.
04:48Or I want to have this soup from here.
04:50Oh, no, no.
04:50You have to understand.
04:51Like I was on a student's budget.
04:53And so in America, we have this thing called the Freshman 10,
04:57which is when you go off to college, you immediately gain 10 pounds.
05:01And I definitely had that because my diet was like McDiddy's.
05:05McViddy's?
05:06I like McDiddy's.
05:07Guys, we're going to McDiddy's.
05:09McDiddy's.
05:10But that was McDiddy's.
05:11We all did that in Freshman.
05:13McDonald's.
05:15Yeah.
05:16We all did that.
05:17I'll have the double ditty.
05:19I'll have the double ditty and an STD test.
05:22But McDiddy's was also McDonald's because it was like French fries
05:25or McViddy's.
05:26That was my diet and my body loved it.
05:29Yeah.
05:30You were like, thank you, I will come to London more often.
05:32Yes, exactly.
05:32Give me more, please.
05:33Russell, for you, Bristol or London?
05:37Well, I'm from Bristol, so I, you know, I prefer Bristol.
05:41But it's...
05:41No, I like London.
05:42I'm a fan.
05:43I got mugged here once.
05:46I'm sorry.
05:46And it was the most...
05:46But it was the most middle-class mugging.
05:49So a friend of mine had, she'd just given birth, so I got her some cupcakes.
05:53So I'm carrying these cupcakes up this hill and this kid, he's probably about 15,
05:57really pasty-looking kid just stands in front of me and goes, oi, you better give me one of them
06:03cupcakes.
06:05And I suddenly kind of went, you can't have them, my friend, she's just given birth.
06:10And this kid suddenly went, I'm sorry, tell her congratulations.
06:14And you said it's such a beautiful moment of, like, you kind of go from fear to, like, yeah.
06:22And I like it.
06:24Um, we have unbelievable news because, Dan, you are moving to London.
06:28Yeah.
06:29Oh!
06:30Woohoo!
06:31Um...
06:31Yeah, I mean, I'm moving as...
06:34Yes, I have a place here.
06:36That is...
06:36And I will be here as much as I possibly can within legal bounds.
06:43You lived here before?
06:44I did.
06:45I lived here in my early...
06:46I had a very bad relationship.
06:48I'm sorry.
06:49Needed to come here because that's where Notting Hill was, the movie.
06:53One of my favorite movies in the past.
06:56And I was like, I don't know, I'm 21 years old.
06:59Anything's possible.
07:00I'm going to move to London and find myself.
07:02Yeah.
07:02So I found a little apartment.
07:04Yeah.
07:05And it was great.
07:06And it was...
07:07I moved in and I like to be clean.
07:10I'm spraying everywhere.
07:11I don't know who was in here before.
07:12It was kind of dirty.
07:15I'm hearing rumors from the people downstairs that it might have been a mother-daughter sex duo.
07:23Got it.
07:24Ooh.
07:25Sexy.
07:26Probably had way more sex in there than I did.
07:28Anyway, I'm cleaning.
07:29What was the address out of interest?
07:31I pulled the bed from the wall.
07:33At this point, I had taken my gloves off.
07:36And I'm now...
07:37You know when you're in cleaning mode, it doesn't...
07:38You're not really thinking.
07:39Yeah, you're just fishing.
07:40So I'm reaching down the side of the bed.
07:43Oh, my God.
07:44I'm going to tell you what I found and then you tell me what you think it is.
07:48OK.
07:49So I grabbed it.
07:50Can I just say the weirdest game show I've ever been on?
07:54I'm into it.
07:54It slips out of my hands.
07:56Oh, no.
07:56What do you mean?
07:57Oh, hell.
07:57It was a...
08:00Yeah.
08:01Phallic-shaped perfume bottle.
08:04Wrapped in a condom.
08:06Oh!
08:06And tied at the end.
08:08Oh.
08:09And slippery.
08:15I love...
08:16It was his.
08:17Was it your flap?
08:18It was his.
08:19Finally someone found it.
08:21Do you still have it?
08:23Yeah.
08:24What do you think it was?
08:26Perfume.
08:26It's a sex toy, isn't it?
08:27No, not perfume.
08:28Well, it couldn't...
08:29It was perfume until someone turned it into something else.
08:32Why else would it be me have a condom?
08:34Well, maybe because it was cold.
08:38I don't...
08:39You asked.
08:40I know.
08:43Anna, you wrote a brilliant book.
08:45Uh-oh, I better get us some water.
08:47Yes.
08:47Called Unqualified, where you talk about the professions that one should avoid.
08:52Yes.
08:52In dating.
08:54List some of the things we should not go near.
08:56Number one.
08:57Magician.
08:58Correct.
09:00Somebody who was tricking you.
09:02I don't know.
09:03They won't let you in on their secrets.
09:05I had a boy...
09:06Also, they're going to bore you rigid with a pack of cards.
09:10Like, take my bra off.
09:11I don't give a shit whether...
09:13Yeah.
09:14Number two.
09:15Athlete.
09:16Professional athlete.
09:17For the normal reasons, cheating and whatnot, but also because...
09:21I think you're going to have to do some ego lifting.
09:25Yeah.
09:26You know, oh, the rookie isn't that good, or...
09:28And they're going to want a smoothie.
09:30As soon as your knee gets better.
09:32Yeah.
09:32Yeah.
09:33Number three.
09:34Chef.
09:35Mm-hmm.
09:36I do think it's an environment, when I was waiting tables, where it felt like anger...
09:44Wasn't managed.
09:45It was celebrated.
09:46Mm-hmm.
09:46I don't think you can leave that mentality at work.
09:49Yeah.
09:50Um...
09:50I think there's only one in the list of professions you should date.
09:55Yep.
09:56And what is that, please?
09:56That is a woodworker.
09:59A canoe...
09:59Somebody who makes canoes by the coast.
10:02Cop and...
10:03Solitary.
10:04He's sad.
10:06He's sad.
10:07He's been lonely.
10:09But he's carving that canoe and sanding it.
10:13I imagine he's quite thorough.
10:15Oh, yeah.
10:16Yes.
10:18LAUGHTER
10:19LAUGHTER
10:21Uh...
10:24APPLAUSE
10:25Sorry.
10:26Um, you know what we've got an army of in the audience?
10:29Woodworkers.
10:30They're right there.
10:31No!
10:32Oh, gentlemen!
10:34LAUGHTER
10:37They're amazing.
10:38They're amazing.
10:39Woodworkers.
10:40Thank you, woodworkers.
10:42Liam.
10:43Quiet heroes.
10:44Yes.
10:46Liam, I think you are the speaker of the woodworkers, is that right?
10:50I think so, yeah.
10:50OK.
10:51Um, have you ever made a canoe?
10:54Yeah.
10:55Uh, and I'm very thorough.
10:59Um...
10:59I'm standing and standing.
11:03What do you think about as you're standing?
11:06Yeah, and...
11:06Do you think about love?
11:08All the time.
11:09LAUGHTER
11:10For the rest of you, any professions you'd steer clear of?
11:14Actors.
11:15LAUGHTER
11:15Olivia?
11:17I think if you own or created an app...
11:20I think it's...
11:21What about the man who created, Wordle, for his girlfriend?
11:24It's so romantic.
11:25Oh, I didn't know that story.
11:26OK, not him.
11:27But all the other ones.
11:28You don't want an app creator.
11:30All the ones that are coming to mind.
11:33LAUGHTER
11:34Do you know what I keep on thinking where you're like,
11:35a woodworker, but he's got to have, like, a story.
11:38I'm like, you need to read the Bible.
11:41LAUGHTER
11:42Your mind's going to be blown.
11:44I do.
11:45Yeah.
11:46I do.
11:47Yeah, yeah.
11:48I do.
11:50The sound of a woman.
11:51Right.
11:52The sound of a woman, I think, is just, shh.
11:54Exactly.
11:55I say that quite a lot.
11:57My husband has an idea.
11:59We've even heard that a lot.
12:01He knows.
12:01That's another one.
12:02He knows.
12:03Here, Claude, I've got a...
12:04A bub.
12:05A bub, a bub, a bub.
12:06A bub.
12:07Yeah.
12:07Go make the bed.
12:08Make him do his homework.
12:09No more words.
12:11One of my favourite noises a woman's ever made, I was in...
12:14Oh, wait a minute.
12:15Wow!
12:17I saw a lady see Johnny Depp in the street.
12:22This is probably about 20 years ago.
12:24And the noise...
12:24I'll never do it justice.
12:26But she saw it and went...
12:27And it was...
12:28It was...
12:29It was so just...
12:31And you could sort of see it happening as he's walking down.
12:33Various women...
12:34And he was just sort of gliding down the street,
12:37just causing various noises.
12:39Um, I could do something, but it's filthy.
12:41Do it.
12:41Just do it right now before...
12:42No, no, no.
12:43Yes!
12:44Yes!
12:45Yes!
12:45Yes!
12:47Yes!
12:52Hear it!
12:53Hear it!
12:54Hear it!
12:55Hear it!
12:56Hear it!
12:57Hear it!
12:57Hear it!
12:58Audio!
13:00I was just making conversation.
13:02I can't do that.
13:03No, you're doing it.
13:04I'll tell you what I can do.
13:05I can do an extraordinary...
13:07But it's audio only.
13:09Horse impression.
13:11Do you want to go round the back so that we can only hear you?
13:15And I have used it in foreplay.
13:20You make them laugh.
13:22Are you ready?
13:23Have a minute.
13:24You do it.
13:24It's audio.
13:25Just imagine.
13:26Wedding night.
13:2728 years, guys.
13:29Ready?
13:30OK.
13:31Are you coming to bed?
13:32Yes.
13:32Yes.
13:33I get pretend hooves on.
13:34I don't.
13:35Great.
13:35Are you ready?
13:47We all would.
13:48We all would.
13:49Yeah.
13:50That is the sound of a woman.
13:56Just to be clear.
13:58What a male.
13:59What a male.
14:01Jo-am, you're doing all of these shows and you also would like to adopt a dog.
14:06I bought a house, finally on the ladder.
14:08I have a garden.
14:09Lovely.
14:09I was like, I'll obviously rescue a dog because that's what you do.
14:12I adopt.
14:13Also, I'm adopted myself so I feel it's only fair to pay it forward.
14:15Yeah.
14:23I'm a rescue dog.
14:25I'm a rescue dog.
14:27Yeah.
14:28So I would always rescue.
14:29I would never buy new.
14:32Shame on you for having your own children, Claudia.
14:34You should have done that.
14:37How dare you.
14:38So anyway, I went, I rang up and it is so hard and I will probably get rinsed for saying
14:44this.
14:45But like, I was like, blah, blah, blah, I want to adopt a dog.
14:47And they were like, do you have a car?
14:49And I was like, no.
14:50I said, I have access to an e-scooter.
14:53And they were like, oh, do you don't have a car?
14:55And I was like, they're like, you can't adopt a dog.
14:58And I was like, what am I driving it to?
14:59It's piano lessons.
15:02I like the fact that I'm just like, we're having a chat and Rafe looks like, help me.
15:08I want to talk about my play.
15:12Rafe, I'm going to talk to you about your play.
15:13I don't want you to panic and run away screaming.
15:15I'm staying here.
15:16Yeah.
15:17Good boy.
15:19The good boy was too much.
15:23As I said, I was like, I'm uncomfortable.
15:27There'll be an opening night.
15:29There will be a red carpet.
15:31Do you guys like a red carpet?
15:33Look at Olivia's face.
15:35It's disgusting, isn't it?
15:36Well, when you've got all those people screaming at you, my reaction is to want to cry or run away.
15:44And so, like, I can't sort of, like, it's sort of all that energy gets put down and under my
15:49dress, my right knee is quivering like that.
15:51Yeah.
15:53But it's like, it's intense.
15:54No, but it can be quite scary.
15:56It's really intense.
15:56Oh, 100%.
15:57And I don't know.
15:58There isn't, at least, when my first red carpet was in the year 2004 scary movie and it felt confusing.
16:06I'm sure some of those photos I am really, like, you know, caught, caught, like, I know I don't belong
16:15here on this red carpet.
16:18And I think you guys know that too.
16:20That's always the feeling of, like...
16:23Imposter syndrome.
16:24Yes.
16:25I feel like it's just a necessary evil.
16:28You know what I mean?
16:28Like, you've got to do the red carpet to get into the venue to quaff the free champagne to get
16:32the goody back.
16:34It's the tax.
16:35Yes.
16:35You know what I mean?
16:37Yeah.
16:39So true.
16:41In my life, and I'm 54, I've never met anybody who likes a red carpet.
16:46And then, Rafe, I meet you.
16:50I've got evidence.
16:52Let's have a look.
16:53Exhibit one, please.
16:55Oh!
16:57He has a lot.
17:00I know what you're thinking.
17:01Guys, it's a one-off.
17:03Buckle up.
17:04Here's...
17:05Here's number two.
17:06Yes.
17:07LAUGHTER
17:07He's enjoying himself.
17:10That's nothing.
17:12Let's have number three.
17:14LAUGHTER
17:16Yes, I'm going to take it as an education.
17:20And finally, as we're all going, oh, and it's uncomfortable, and they're saying my name,
17:26Rafe Fiennes, ladies and gentlemen.
17:29LAUGHTER
17:31APPLAUSE
17:36So, why do you love it?
17:38You come out of the car, you're wearing a suit, you've got something, I don't know, you're
17:41just ready and they're shouting, Rafe, Rafe, and you're like, I've come along.
17:44You know what happens?
17:46You go and they're like, Rafe, Rafe, or the name, and you go, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm,
17:50smile, and then suddenly a boredom factor kicks in.
17:54LAUGHTER
17:56All right.
17:57And you entertain yourself to get through the fucking thing.
18:01LAUGHTER
18:03That's a great strategy.
18:06I'm going to try to embrace that.
18:09Dawn and I, my friend Dawn French and I, once thought we'd be really daring,
18:13and we got an ecstasy tablet.
18:15Oh, goodness me.
18:17And we thought we could take...
18:18Well, I think it was something with a rabbit on it, it was about that big.
18:21LAUGHTER
18:22And we thought, one day, I said, well, be alone.
18:25And then it became such a matter of planning as to when we could take half.
18:30LAUGHTER
18:32An ecstasy tablet.
18:33And so we kept it, and kept it on Dawn's mantelpiece like that.
18:37And then one day, this is about six months later, and we've gone,
18:40OK, right, we're ready.
18:41We had water.
18:43We had...
18:43We didn't know what to expect at all.
18:46The pill had gone.
18:48LAUGHTER
18:50Your dog was looking lively that day.
18:53LAUGHTER
18:54And it was quite a relief.
18:56Yeah, you were like, thank goodness.
18:57Thank God we don't do that any more.
18:58Yeah, yeah.
18:58No drugs for us.
19:00The dog was out in the garden jumping up and down.
19:02LAUGHTER
19:03Having sex with the dragon.
19:06LAUGHTER
19:07Where did you first meet him?
19:09Where did I first meet Riz Ahmed?
19:11For legal purposes, I've been asked to frame this story...
19:15LAUGHTER
19:16To go back, like, 20 years, could be a little bit more.
19:20And I'm from Coventry, I still live there.
19:22And I, before I did this, had different vocations.
19:26Mm-hm.
19:27Um, one of my vocations...
19:30LAUGHTER
19:30..was...
19:32..selling tulips.
19:33Let's go with that.
19:35LAUGHTER
19:35Let's go with that.
19:36What beautiful tulips they were.
19:37Right?
19:38Yes.
19:38I was a florist.
19:39People really like the flowers every time they get in there.
19:41Brother, this flower is the best flower I ever smelt in my whole life, OK?
19:46LAUGHTER
19:46So, I was in an alleyway with my still best friend till this day,
19:50and a gentleman comes running into the alleyway
19:52and when you're selling tulips late at night, everyone's on edge, yeah?
19:56LAUGHTER
19:58Go with it, guys.
19:59I looked down, I looked down the alleyway, and there's Riz Ahmed.
20:03But I didn't know it was Riz Ahmed.
20:04And Riz Ahmed was a little bit nervous about the activity of floristry
20:08in this particular alleyway.
20:10LAUGHTER
20:10But to his credit, Riz decided to venture down there to me and my friend
20:14and said, my brothers, um, I'm about to spit some bars
20:17in the Students' Union.
20:19Would you like to join me?
20:21And I looked at my friend and said,
20:22probably not, man, these tulips ain't gonna sell themselves, brothers.
20:25LAUGHTER
20:26My friend, who's a good person, he's a good geezer,
20:30he said, no, we should support this guy.
20:31He looks kind of stressed.
20:32So we accompanied him to the Students' Union.
20:35This is Oscar-winning Riz Ahmed, 20 years ago.
20:37And he performed quite OK-ish rap music...
20:41LAUGHTER
20:42..to a group of six people in Coventry Students' Union.
20:47And ten years later, when I started doing, like, comedy
20:50and silly stuff like that, he messaged me and he goes,
20:53but can I ask you a question?
20:55I said, yeah.
20:56He said, did you used to sell tulips?
20:59LAUGHTER
21:00In an alleyway in Coventry, and I said, who are you, the police?
21:04Go away!
21:06LAUGHTER
21:07And that's the story of Ami and Riz Ahmed?
21:09I mean...
21:14Josh, could you try and explain to Dan who Mr Blobby is?
21:20OK, it's quite...
21:21So, there was...
21:24Bear in mind, this took four hours in the podcast.
21:26Right, I need it in 15 to 30 seconds.
21:29LAUGHTER
21:29There was a man called Noel Edmonds.
21:31He had a Saturday night TV show.
21:33Uh-huh.
21:33And he used to prank people.
21:35It was huge.
21:35It was the biggest show on British TV.
21:37Massive.
21:37Massive.
21:37And he thought a good way of doing that would be to dress
21:39as a fake character, so they made Mr Blobby,
21:42which was a seven-foot rubber and pink thing that went
21:45Blobby, Blobby, Blobby.
21:47LAUGHTER
21:48There's a photo, is it?
21:50Yeah, go on.
21:51Yeah.
21:51Yeah!
21:52So, that's, just to be clear, Noel is on the left.
21:55Very good.
21:55And, um...
21:56Come on!
21:58Don't mind it.
21:59And so, and then the problem was that Mr Blobby
22:03became so popular...
22:04Terrifying.
22:05Popular?
22:06Yeah.
22:06With the British public...
22:08That he became...
22:10This is absolutely bone-chilling.
22:13If this creature showed up at my house, I would call the police.
22:17LAUGHTER
22:17So, that Mr Blobby, he became so popular,
22:20he got a number one single.
22:22Yep.
22:22A Christmas number.
22:23What do you mean?
22:24He went to things too?
22:25He's Mr Blobby.
22:26He's Mr Blobby.
22:26Exactly, yeah.
22:28And then, he became so popular, they opened a string of Mr Blobby theme parts.
22:31Yes, they did.
22:33So, yeah.
22:33That's our Mickey Mouse.
22:35Yeah.
22:36LAUGHTER
22:39APPLAUSE
22:39OK.
22:43Um...
22:44Rita?
22:45Yes?
22:45A slight bone to pick with you.
22:47All right.
22:48You enjoy camping.
22:49Yeah.
22:49I love camping.
22:51So, do you mean camping as in, we're coming, pitch up the tent and bring me a pet giraffe,
22:56or are you...
22:57I don't know, I've never camped.
22:59No.
23:00Or you're, like, driving and you're making a stove?
23:03Yes.
23:03We have one of those vans that is, you know, kitted out with a bed and a kitchen and everything,
23:10and there's nothing better than cooking in the outdoors. It is so fantastic, like, I don't know,
23:15there's something about being under the stars, and there's a lovely little...
23:20..toilet in there, so it's very civilised, it's very civilised.
23:24Is it one of those where you have that blue liquid and you have to...
23:27No.
23:28They're very high-tech now.
23:29Oh, are they?
23:30Very, very high-tech.
23:31It's always...
23:31You know what I mean?
23:32It's that weird...
23:33Exactly.
23:34Grastery's great, and then you're like...
23:35Terrible.
23:37You're, like, working away your shame.
23:40No, it's beautiful, and it's really, really great.
23:44Yeah, but it is that, sometimes you're like...
23:46I think your friend's coming in in a minute.
23:48She's making the horse noises!
23:52I can't kill the move!
23:55Lisa, your character, Valerie, takes part in Traitors.
23:59Uh-huh.
24:00And...
24:01I know.
24:03And Valerie's stint on Traitors was inspired a little bit
24:08by somebody on the UK Traitors.
24:10Yes, it was.
24:11On Linda.
24:12Linda.
24:13Oh!
24:19Because...
24:20For those who haven't, um, seen, and they...
24:24I'll just explain, Linda was the person who, and I said,
24:27Traitors, you'll meet each other later, and looked at me
24:29and nodded.
24:32And there was a bit of Linda in it, wasn't there?
24:34A bit?
24:35Yeah.
24:35Oh, my God!
24:36Yeah, we had Valerie, someone saying, like,
24:39well, I think he's a traitor, and she says,
24:41oh, no, I can tell you 100% he's a faithful.
24:44How do you know?
24:46Just...
24:46I have a...
24:47I have a feeling.
24:48I mean, you know, I don't...
24:49Don't you wish we knew who the traitor was?
24:52I don't know.
24:53Something so stressful, yeah.
24:55I love the fact it was based on Linda,
24:57and I think it's only right that you meet her.
24:59But...
24:59Oh, yes!
25:00Linda!
25:00Yeah!
25:01Come on!
25:02No way!
25:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:15And here I am.
25:17There you are.
25:20I love seeing you.
25:22I just somehow wanted Linda and Lisa together,
25:27even just for a minute.
25:29But, Linda, in your wildest dreams,
25:31when that happened and you looked at me and went,
25:33got it.
25:34LAUGHTER
25:35Did you ever think that then the mighty Lisa Kudrow
25:40would use you as inspiration in her amazing show?
25:44No!
25:47Crazy.
25:48Absolutely crazy.
25:49On our show?
25:50She was voted out.
25:51Like, that night.
25:52Oh, yeah.
25:53What was wrong with your group?
25:56At least I made it to seven.
25:56Yes!
25:57To episode seven.
25:58They took a very long time.
26:00They took a very long time.
26:02Because you're very charming.
26:03Ladies and gentlemen, Linda.
26:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:06Thank you, darling.
26:08Thank you, darling.
26:10Thank you, darling.
26:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:14Oh, my God.
26:16That was thrilling.
26:17I did too.
26:18That was thrilling.
26:19What the...?
26:19We're all still alive, though, yeah?
26:21LAUGHTER
26:23Yes, we are.
26:24I just...
26:24I just...
26:24I couldn't help it.
26:26When I watched, I was like,
26:27Oh, hold on a minute.
26:28Yeah.
26:30I know, but they didn't vote her out.
26:31Sorry, none of them are here.
26:32So I can say, not bright.
26:35LAUGHTER
26:39Um, Niall, I found out some other information about you,
26:42which I'm obsessed by.
26:43More information about me?
26:44For Vogue, you went through your beauty,
26:47routine.
26:48Oh, jeez.
26:49I...
26:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:51Look at that.
26:52Correct.
26:53And, by the way, it would not fit on these cards.
26:56Not even small font.
26:59LAUGHTER
26:59I bought a clipboard.
27:01Oh, a clipboard!
27:02There are 22 steps.
27:04Wait.
27:05One, you light a candle to set the tone.
27:09LAUGHTER
27:09I'll explain.
27:10I'll explain.
27:10Give me a minute.
27:11Go on.
27:11I'll give her half an hour, actually.
27:13I was going to say.
27:14Ford, there's a cold-water splash.
27:16Pardon.
27:18Uh, number nine is you play with big silver balls.
27:22LAUGHTER
27:23There are so many.
27:24Tell me what you actually do.
27:26I do quite a few of them, to be fair.
27:28I'm quite...
27:28I'm quite big into the skincare.
27:30Do the ice water in the morning,
27:32three or four dunks.
27:34LAUGHTER
27:35I'm going to action all the time.
27:37Are you ready?
27:38We've got it.
27:39A couple of moisturisers and, like...
27:41Two moisturisers?
27:42A serum and moisturiser,
27:44as to have a spray.
27:45It's like a cold plunge for your face.
27:47Yeah.
27:47It's fucking freezing.
27:48He's actually 72 years old.
27:50Wow.
27:51He looks amazing!
27:52I don't, I don't.
27:53You do.
27:54I'm so impressed.
27:55I'm used to dealing with lads who cleaned their face with a scrub daddy.
27:58I've never...
27:58LAUGHTER
27:59Anyone with this.
28:00It's every...
28:01LAUGHTER
28:03I need to move up in the world.
28:05Yeah!
28:06Um, Guz, what are you doing in the morning?
28:09Look, by the way, look how immaculate that skin is.
28:11I know, yeah.
28:12Like, I wash my face.
28:15LAUGHTER
28:16Sometimes, you know, sometimes, some mornings it's hard.
28:19My wife puts that, um...
28:21Is it like a blackhead strip?
28:22Yeah, what is that?
28:23Blackhead strip.
28:24I don't know what it is, but every time...
28:26Is.
28:26Every time she puts it on,
28:28she insists that she's the one to take it off.
28:30LAUGHTER
28:31And when she peels it, she does the same thing every time.
28:34She peels it, looks at it and says,
28:36Disgusting.
28:37LAUGHTER
28:38So satisfying.
28:39Just so you know.
28:39Yeah, very satisfying though.
28:41Did she rip it off, like, quick or slow?
28:44It depends on the mood.
28:45Got it.
28:46Got it.
28:47I think what I'm...
28:48My plan is to, um...
28:50Two-step skincare and then just eventually get a gorgeous Korean facelift.
28:54Yeah.
28:55Wow.
28:56How...
28:56We can all be doing it.
28:58LAUGHTER
28:58I want it.
28:59They just yank you off.
29:01Yeah, they yank you off.
29:01Yeah, they yank you off.
29:02Yeah, yank you right off.
29:03The problem is, where did the folds go?
29:04Who cares about the folds?
29:06Goes into the back of your ears.
29:07Right.
29:08I love my eyes on my head.
29:09I want so much plastic surgery.
29:10When they cremate me, I won't burn.
29:11I'll just...
29:13LAUGHTER
29:14It just melts.
29:15It just melts.
29:17It just melts.
29:18Yeah.
29:18I like it.
29:19Yeah.
29:19I can't wait.
29:20It is.
29:21It is.
29:21It is.
29:22I just shrank things.
29:24Remember those crisp packets in the 90s you used to put in the oven, they'd just shrink?
29:27Yeah.
29:27That would be me.
29:28Fingers crossed.
29:29That's my goal.
29:30Yeah.
29:31It's a good goal.
29:33I want my eyes at the top of my head.
29:34My head.
29:35Yeah.
29:35That was brilliant.
29:36I want my ass on my back.
29:37That's what I want.
29:40Jeff, you've starred, obviously, in Oscar-nominated Wicked, the biggest musical film in recent memory.
29:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
29:48Great.
29:49And I don't know whether this is true, but please say it is, that occasionally you would look down
29:55the lens and speak directly to the editor and say, I like that take, or is that true?
30:01Yes, I would do takes.
30:02I was trying to do a good job, and sometimes, as was my want-to-do, I think is the
30:07phrase,
30:08I would, after a take, I would go, and he would go, and cut.
30:12OK.
30:14Jeff says, Myron Kirstein.
30:16That's, I say, that's a good one.
30:18Just so you know, our editor is called Steve.
30:20He's happy with any notes you have.
30:24That's your camera, over there.
30:26If you've said something that you're particularly proud of, you just say, Steve, add.
30:29Yes, I think I've been lively tonight, Steve, and I say any, any genuine moment, that especially,
30:36I like the spontaneous ones.
30:38Yes.
30:39Where there's a real connection, which I've felt strongly with us.
30:42So I say, so far, anything is good for the show.
30:45Fine.
30:47Steve will take that.
30:49Good, Steve.
30:50I trust you completely, Steve.
30:52James, I love the fact we were chatting earlier and you said your favourite thing is when you're acting is
30:57watching the person who is acting right in front of you.
31:00Like, sometimes you're, and I love when you're so in awe.
31:03Yes.
31:04Oh, man.
31:04Sometimes, like, sometimes really good acting just makes it all seem seamless and all that kind of stuff.
31:08Sometimes you're working with somebody who just does something so good, you're like, oh, my God.
31:14And I was like that with your husband.
31:15Oh, really?
31:16Like, not that we acted together, but, like, I would go in and he'd say, no, he wouldn't let me.
31:23And I do...
31:23We should say who your husband is.
31:25Just tell the group.
31:27You're married too.
31:29Just so you know.
31:30Yes.
31:31Tell me.
31:32I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you have all this time being married to Tom Hanks.
31:36Yes, I am.
31:38And I...
31:39Yep, he does deserve that.
31:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:42I don't know why I do this thing sometimes when I get around famous people,
31:46when they kind of go like, hey, what's up?
31:47What are you going to get for lunch?
31:48And they're just being totally normal.
31:50And I'm like, I feel so uncomfortable.
31:53And I go into this weird sort of over, like, almost put on working class thing,
31:59where I'm like, all right, man, I know I'm going to get some chips or something.
32:02I'm going to get, like, I drive a Punto.
32:05You know what I mean?
32:06How would you drive a Ferrari, eh?
32:08I'm going to get some bread with butter.
32:12I'm going to get some caviar.
32:13And I don't know why that happens.
32:15Yeah, of course.
32:16I don't like it.
32:17It's a bit like...
32:17It's weird.
32:18When you really fancy somebody.
32:20Yeah.
32:21But early on.
32:21You know when the first person I fancy somebody so badly when I was 17,
32:24he would speak to me and I would just be sick.
32:27Like that character in South Park.
32:29He was like, everything right?
32:30Blech!
32:34Guys, before...
32:34You got into comedy.
32:36Mm-hmm.
32:36And before all of this, you were a teacher.
32:40I was a teacher.
32:41What kind of a teacher were you?
32:44A shit one.
32:45LAUGHTER
32:47Don't believe that.
32:48I just don't believe that.
32:50What did...
32:51I believe that.
32:51I believe that.
32:52Really?
32:53You can see it.
32:55That tracks.
32:55Yeah, sure.
32:56What did you teach?
32:58Well, here's the thing.
33:00So when you do your PGCE.
33:02Yeah.
33:03Specialise in teaching.
33:04You do that in a specific subject or set of subjects.
33:09I never got around to teaching those specific sets of subjects.
33:12Nice.
33:13So, like, I was basically like a really good big brother forward slash
33:17that fun uncle around school.
33:20Yeah.
33:20And I would like to hope to think maybe that I had contributed in a
33:24positive way to the children of Grace Academy in Coventry.
33:26If I didn't and you failed your GCSEs, I apologise.
33:28LAUGHTER
33:29That is the plot to School of Rock without the music.
33:32Yeah, exactly.
33:33Can I tell you something?
33:34Yeah.
33:35Your students loved you.
33:36Did they love me?
33:37They loved you.
33:38Would you like to say hello to them?
33:39No, stop it.
33:40I'm going to cry.
33:41Shut the front door.
33:41I'm going to cry.
33:42Thin Man.
33:44What?!
33:46Hey, Mr Khan!
33:48Hello!
33:50Give another one!
33:52Yes!
33:52Come here, you lot!
33:54Come here!
34:04You're 25 now!
34:05I love C's!
34:05I love C's!
34:09Come here!
34:11Come here!
34:13Come here!
34:14Wait!
34:15I know!
34:15You bought all the brown ones!
34:17What?!
34:20Left on the poor white kids at home in Coventry!
34:22I love you too!
34:23Have a seat on the sofa!
34:24Oh, that's brilliant!
34:26Oh, my goodness!
34:27Hi!
34:27How are you?
34:28Hello!
34:29Can I sit next to them?
34:30Yes, come here!
34:30Yeah, you can sit next to them!
34:31I'll see you!
34:33I've loved having a laugh with you, but to hear their stories about how brilliant you were,
34:38I don't want to embarrass you.
34:39We've gone a bit, um, weird.
34:42But you were much better than your saying, because, Simran, what did he do for you?
34:50You know what?
34:51As you see Mr Khan, yeah, in TV, it was just like how he was in school, yeah?
34:56I remember the first time I had him in a class, yeah?
34:59He goes, oi, Simran, come here!
35:03And I was like, I thought I was in trouble, right?
35:05And he was like, I can't be asked to do the presentation, slide the next button, you sit there and
35:10you do it for me.
35:12I was like, safe, right?
35:15But then, the thing is, I was quite shy up until I had Mr Khan as my teacher.
35:20And again, he was that fun uncle vibes, right?
35:23Where he made me feel comfortable and I started to gain a bit of confidence from that.
35:27But even after he left, knowing what he pursued was enough to inspire myself to pursue something different.
35:36You know, when you come from Coventry and you come from a South Asian background,
35:39you're not always pushed to do something creative.
35:42So now, you know, I went to uni.
35:44I passed.
35:45Yeah.
35:46I got an art degree!
35:49What art degree?
35:49I got art degree!
35:51And, and, and...
35:52And, yeah, it was like...
35:54You contributed more than you think.
35:56Oh!
35:59Come on!
36:03How old are the family?
36:04Are you OK?
36:06Nafiz, tell us about Mr Khan.
36:08Nafiz, why are you sweating so much?
36:12I don't know what I'm allowed to say and not allowed to say in it.
36:15The brother's got tulips in his inside pocket.
36:17I don't know what it is.
36:20Now, you know what it is?
36:21This guy, he made us all feel like you can go out and do anything that you want.
36:26Coventry's...
36:27Coventry's going for tulips.
36:29So, everyone...
36:31Brilliant!
36:32Well done.
36:33Everyone there is some sort of florist of one way or another.
36:36No one...
36:38No one really thinks of Coventry and thinks, oh, yeah, like, someone's going to come out of there.
36:42So, to see somebody go out and do it, like, I'll be the first one to say it.
36:45And everyone in Coventry has guzzers back in.
36:46Like, we're super proud of what you've done.
36:49APPLAUSE
36:50Come on!
36:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:57Now, we are nearly at the end of the show.
36:59I cannot express this enough that we are deeply unqualified to answer questions,
37:05but lovely people in the audience have questions.
37:08And so, anybody who has a question, please.
37:12Um, yes, sir.
37:14Right?
37:14Yeah.
37:15So, hello, my name is Balder.
37:17I've got a dating question.
37:18I've just recently started dating someone...
37:20No, I'm married.
37:22LAUGHTER
37:27Sorry.
37:28Sorry.
37:29No, I've just recently started dating this girl.
37:32And I think it's going really well, you know?
37:34But I'm afraid that maybe she's into, like, star signs.
37:40No, get out.
37:41LAUGHTER
37:42Is that a red flag?
37:44When was she born?
37:46LAUGHTER
37:47I don't know.
37:48But, you know, the irony is that we met filming a music video
37:51and she was literally in a star-shaped costume.
37:55Oh!
37:55So, I don't know, like...
37:56Oh, that feels like a classic Sagittarius.
37:59LAUGHTER
38:01First of all, we said we wouldn't bring this here.
38:03LAUGHTER
38:09I love you, Chris!
38:13You said you were just coming to support me tonight.
38:15LAUGHTER
38:17I mean, why would that be...
38:19Why would that be a bad thing?
38:22LAUGHTER
38:23I think somebody being into star signs is a big red flag for me.
38:29This is going to go down badly.
38:30If you'd made me guess, I'd have guessed you're into star signs, Claudia.
38:34LAUGHTER
38:35Is that true?
38:36I could burst into two.
38:38LAUGHTER
38:38That's almost the most offensive thing that anybody has ever said to me.
38:43Why?
38:44We want to hear it.
38:44Let's go deep on this.
38:45Where is the trauma?
38:46Why do we not like star signs?
38:48LAUGHTER
38:48This was my last show!
38:51I've talked about your podcast!
38:55LAUGHTER
38:59I've done everything I had to do.
39:03I...
39:04Can I say this?
39:05We won't put it out.
39:06I think people who believe in star signs are sick.
39:10LAUGHTER
39:15LAUGHTER
39:17APPLAUSE
39:18LAUGHTER
39:18LAUGHTER
39:19LAUGHTER
39:19LAUGHTER
39:21Oh...
39:22Oh, my God!
39:23Yes, here we go. Go on, darling.
39:26My question is, I want to tell people when they're being annoying
39:30to help them be less annoying, but then I look like a...a bitch.
39:36LAUGHTER
39:36So, what's the best way to handle this?
39:39LAUGHTER
39:40When you say people, how many people are we talking about?
39:44I mean, I mean, it happens every day.
39:46Like, there's a lot of...
39:46There's a lot of people I would like to tell that to.
39:50LAUGHTER
39:50Well, the adage would be, if you meet three arseholes before noon,
39:55you're the arsehole.
39:56LAUGHTER
39:58APPLAUSE
40:05It's tough love.
40:07LAUGHTER
40:08I didn't...
40:09I didn't know it was going to go this way.
40:13LAUGHTER
40:14Would you like a gentler piece of advice?
40:17No, it's all right.
40:18LAUGHTER
40:19I'm so sorry.
40:20I think you've learned something.
40:21LAUGHTER
40:23Me too.
40:24And that's what life's about.
40:26LAUGHTER
40:27I mainly do dick jokes.
40:29OK.
40:30LAUGHTER
40:31No, I like this Jimmy as well.
40:33Wow, wow.
40:33What do you do?
40:34I feel like I should...
40:35What do you do?
40:36My best.
40:38LAUGHTER
40:49I'm training to be a therapist.
40:52LAUGHTER
40:54I mean...
40:57I mean...
40:58I'm not sure if it's the job for you.
40:59LAUGHTER
41:05Everybody else?
41:07My question is, what do you think is the meaning of life?
41:16LAUGHTER
41:20I like it.
41:21I...
41:22I...
41:22I...
41:23I'm surprised by it and let's run with it.
41:26Rafe?
41:27LAUGHTER
41:29LAUGHTER
41:31Um...
41:35LAUGHTER
41:36APPLAUSE
41:36LAUGHTER
41:48Good friendships.
41:50Enjoyment of food.
41:53Um...
41:54Acceptance of death.
41:55LAUGHTER
41:56Oh, that's...
41:57Be cool about death.
41:58Be cool about death.
41:59Yeah, that's it.
42:00Wow.
42:01That's really good.
42:03APPLAUSE
42:04That's...
42:05That's really good.
42:07Thank you so much.
42:09OK, we've got one...
42:10One final question.
42:12APPLAUSE
42:13Oh, there we go.
42:14There we go.
42:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:23Oh, my God!
42:25Oh, my God!
42:25Oh, my God!
42:26Oh, my God!
42:26No!
42:27LAUGHTER
42:37You people are fucking crazy.
42:39LAUGHTER
42:41Yes, you in the pink.
42:43Oh, my God!
42:46Oh, my God!
42:47Oh, my God!
42:49Oh, my God!
42:52Is that how...
42:54Is that how we talk?
42:55Yeah.
42:56Have some respect.
42:56OK, go on.
42:58Blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub.
43:02Josh, would you like to answer that, please?
43:05Um, I think you should put the perfume bottle in something first.
43:09LAUGHTER
43:10Oh, I think it's not coming to you.
43:10Oh, my God!
43:12Oh!
43:12Oh!
43:15Thank you so much for watching.
43:18Good night.
43:20What's the problem?
43:22Oh!
43:24Oh!
43:28Oh!
43:29Oh!
43:38That's what he does.