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Taskmaster - S16E10 - The Final - Always Forks and Marbles [Full Movie] [Long Version]Full EP - Full
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00:33Hello!
00:35Hello, everyone!
00:37I'm Greg Davies.
00:40And I would like to welcome you to the Taskmaster Grand Final!
00:52This is where we finally sort the wheat from the chaff.
00:56The culmination of ten weeks of fundamentally pointless activity pops its cork right here, right now.
01:03At the end of this episode, one of our fearless five will be able to hold aloft my gilded dome
01:07and scream like a feral wolf into the night sky.
01:10My parents may well have thought my chosen career path was disappointing given the opportunities I was afforded in life.
01:17But no one, no one can take this from me!
01:21Please give them a huge round of applause for the final time.
01:24They are Julian Clary!
01:26.
01:27.
01:27.
01:27.
01:28.
01:29.
01:29.
01:29.
01:29.
01:29.
01:30.
01:30.
01:30.
01:31.
01:32.
01:37And now for a man who once confided in me that he considered Welsh people
01:42to only be suited to menial work.
01:45LAUGHTER
01:46Give me that at home!
01:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:52Hello.
01:53Ah!
01:55Hello there.
01:56Oh, I'm so excited. It's the live final.
01:58Oh, it is. Are you excited?
01:59Well, I am because it's live. It's the first ever live edition of Taskmaster.
02:04Anything could happen.
02:06OK.
02:07Because we're live on Channel 4.
02:08Yeah, we're not.
02:09Ooh, we're live. Look.
02:11Look at the watch just after 9pm.
02:13So it must be live.
02:14Yeah, you've changed your watch.
02:15You can't change a watch, Greg.
02:17Oh.
02:18I'll send a tweet right now.
02:20So look at your phones.
02:23LAUGHTER
02:23We've just got that.
02:25If you're watching the show, go to your windows and I want you to shout.
02:30LAUGHTER
02:30What's the weather like?
02:32Mild.
02:33It's mild?
02:35LAUGHTER
02:36How would I know it's mild?
02:37Yeah, God, it doesn't sound like two people planted in the same room as us.
02:41LAUGHTER
02:42Right, it's time to find out what the final prize task category is.
02:46The final category is the thing that, when you turn it round,
02:50gives you the biggest shock.
02:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:54Five points for the most shocking thing when turned around.
02:56And at the end of the show, the overall winner will take them all home.
03:00What a shocking turnaround.
03:02LAUGHTER
03:03That's comedy.
03:04See.
03:05LAUGHTER
03:05And what's the thing that you've brought in,
03:08that when you turn around will give me a shock?
03:10Well, let's see the thing from the first position.
03:13Pre-turn round.
03:14Pre-turn round.
03:15All right.
03:16Uh-oh.
03:17Let's turn it round.
03:19What could be there?
03:19Here we go.
03:21LAUGHTER
03:24LAUGHTER
03:26LAUGHTER
03:28Not a penis.
03:29Wow.
03:30Why are you smooth in the back?
03:33LAUGHTER
03:34I do sort of rub.
03:36I guess I rub...
03:37I rub around a bit.
03:39LAUGHTER
03:40I rub more in the back than the front.
03:43Fidgeting will otter a man down.
03:45LAUGHTER
03:47Sam.
03:48Yes.
03:48You all right?
03:49I'm good.
03:49Have you done something different with your...?
03:51It was all a bit grey.
03:54LAUGHTER
03:56What thing have you brought in that when you turn it round will shock me?
04:00A baby.
04:02LAUGHTER
04:04So here's the baby from the back.
04:07Oh, oh.
04:08Look at it.
04:10Oh, yeah.
04:10Look at it.
04:11LAUGHTER
04:12LAUGHTER
04:13No way!
04:15LAUGHTER
04:16You can't be serious!
04:18LAUGHTER
04:18Jesus Christ.
04:21LAUGHTER
04:22I mean, I'm not that shocked because I knew it would be something like that.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:26Susan?
04:28Uh, my prize is some vanilla ice cream.
04:32And I actually have it here for you, Greg.
04:34OK.
04:36Is it something horrible, though?
04:38Um...
04:40LAUGHTER
04:41Mmm.
04:42It's made out of human breast milk.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:47Now, would you turn the label round?
04:50Yeah, and that's the ingredients.
04:52Yeah.
04:52Make sure of anus secretions and urine of beavers.
04:55Yeah, it's a standard ingredient in vanilla ice cream, castorean.
04:58Are you serious?
04:59I'm serious.
05:01They've all got beaver piss in them.
05:04LAUGHTER
05:04Not all of them, but that one, yes.
05:05It's normally categorised under natural ingredients,
05:08so you won't know that you're sucking on some secretion of beaver.
05:12LAUGHTER
05:12But where are all these beavers?
05:16LAUGHTER
05:17LAUGHTER
05:20OK, yeah, that's, uh, genuinely horrific. Thank you.
05:24Julian, what have you brought in?
05:26It's an urn containing the, um, ashes of a friend of mine.
05:32LAUGHTER
05:32It's the first for the show.
05:34So here's the urn from the front.
05:37Turn the urn!
05:39LAUGHTER
05:41So, let me explain.
05:43Please!
05:44I was on tour in Norwich, and I saw this in a shop window,
05:48and I really liked it.
05:49So I bought it, and then a week later, my friend died.
05:53And that was his favourite word.
05:55And this was his favourite programme,
05:56so I thought he'd love to appear on this show.
05:58Awww!
06:01Well, you're clearly going to win.
06:03LAUGHTER
06:06Because the idea that you might make,
06:08genuinely might make me feel moved,
06:10with an urn that's got shit to it.
06:14You're doing very well, Julian.
06:16Hi, Lucy.
06:16LAUGHTER
06:17Erm, it's a lamp.
06:19So, my daughter had a hair braid,
06:22and then it sparked a memory.
06:23My mum was at our house, and I said,
06:25well, I used to have one of them,
06:27cos I untaffled my daughters when she didn't want it in,
06:30and I said...
06:31Er...
06:31I'm fairly sure untaffled isn't a word.
06:35What?
06:37Untaffled.
06:37Are you joking me?
06:39Your search did not match any documents.
06:40Did you mean unruffled,
06:41unmuffled, unravelled,
06:42or unbaffled?
06:43No!
06:43OK.
06:45LAUGHTER
06:46I'll tell you what,
06:47the people screaming at the TV now...
06:50Well, we can listen.
06:50Fuck off.
06:55APPLAUSE
06:59Bad play to the boy.
07:01LAUGHTER
07:02OK, you were untaffling a thing.
07:04So, I untaffled it,
07:05but my mum, I said,
07:06you just cut mine out of my hair.
07:09And she said,
07:09yeah, no.
07:10And she said,
07:11I've still got it.
07:12Have you never noticed?
07:14It's the light pulley for the downstairs toilet.
07:17LAUGHTER
07:18And it's on this lamp here.
07:21LAUGHTER
07:22But has it shot you?
07:23Yeah, I don't know why I find it so unsettling.
07:27Jesus Christ.
07:28Do you need a second?
07:29Are you all right?
07:29Well, we're live, aren't we, sir?
07:31Yeah.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:33Speed through it, if I can.
07:35Honestly,
07:35I knew it was going to be its horrible bottom.
07:37One point to Sue Perkins.
07:39I mean, I am shocked by Sam's baby,
07:41but I'm not shocked,
07:42because Sam's put something like that in every week.
07:45OK?
07:46Two points to Sam.
07:47I'll give three points to Azusa.
07:50Four points inexplicably for that braid.
07:52It's unsettled to me.
07:53LAUGHTER
07:53And five points,
07:54because he pulled a sweet story
07:56out of one of the darkest things
07:57ever to appear on the show.
07:59LAUGHTER
07:59Julian Clowney gets five points.
08:01APPLAUSE
08:05OK.
08:05What's next, Alex?
08:07OK, well, we're sticking with the shocking theme, Greg,
08:10and combining it with one of your five a day.
08:19MUSIC PLAYS
08:25Hello.
08:26Hello, Julian.
08:27I like a sitting-down task.
08:30LAUGHTER
08:30Oh, wow.
08:32I love donuts.
08:34Do something shocking,
08:36but family-friendly with this doughnut.
08:38LAUGHTER
08:38Do something shocking,
08:40but family-friendly with this doughnut.
08:43Oh, cos, I mean, obviously,
08:44you would want to put it on a penis, wouldn't you?
08:47LAUGHTER
08:47Nice shocking doughnut deed wins.
08:51You've got 15 minutes.
08:53All right.
08:54And what did your time do?
08:56Oh, yes.
08:57The time starts now.
08:58Um, yeah.
09:00Nothing going through my head is family-friendly.
09:03Not really.
09:04One idea.
09:06Well, I...
09:06What if I, like, tried to marry it or something?
09:08Like, just...
09:09You're just like, that's crazy.
09:11What did my child find shocking?
09:14Anything to do with feces she finds shocking.
09:17Can't do that.
09:18Put a poo through it.
09:20LAUGHTER
09:23No, every single thing is filthy.
09:26No, it's filthy. It's filthy.
09:27LAUGHTER
09:30That's filthy.
09:31Hadn't it been a jammed doughnut then,
09:33there could have been all kinds of, you know,
09:35slight filth.
09:37LAUGHTER
09:37I've thought for something.
09:38Is it family-friendly?
09:41Well, my family wouldn't mind.
09:44LAUGHTER
09:49I think Lucy spoke for the nation, really,
09:51by voicing the first thing that we all think of,
09:53which is to pop it on a penis.
09:55Yes.
09:55I agree on that, but I'm intrigued, Susan,
09:57that you thought of at least three more filthy things internally.
10:01Yeah.
10:01Do you want to share any of them?
10:03Oh, really?
10:03Just one.
10:05Um, bite it apart and then shove the rest up your arse.
10:10LAUGHTER
10:10APPLAUSE
10:15That's the number two thing you've got to do.
10:18LAUGHTER
10:18OK, thanks, Susan.
10:19Yeah, of course.
10:20Let's crack on.
10:21OK, we're going to begin with Lucy and Sam.
10:27What do you find more shocking and saucy out of these two?
10:30It's got to be red.
10:31Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:45Are you hungry, baby bird?
10:50Yes, I am quite hungry, actually.
10:51Ooh, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee.
10:53I'm going to get you something to eat.
10:56OK.
10:59How does that grab you?
11:01I'm quite excited.
11:03Really?
11:04I know you're a married man, but...
11:07You see her!
11:07Wow!
11:12Oh, hi!
11:13Oh!
11:15Hi!
11:15Oh, hi!
11:23Oh, hi!
11:29Oh, hi!
11:31Oh, hi!
11:31Hey!
11:34Hey, hey, hey, hey!
11:37Mm!
11:50Here you go, little baby.
11:52Let's play a little bit faster, then.
11:55Please, don't you laugh?
11:58I'll tell you about it.
12:00Ah!
12:01Ah!
12:02Don't die!
12:04Ah!
12:05Ah!
12:21Oh, she's very high up close to the heavens you finished let's go back inside
12:51oh
12:54My god we all knew as soon as you came out as a bird I went on
13:02If you ask Alex eat anything he always says yes
13:05We were at a wedding together once I made him eat a whole pot of butter
13:10I'm not the one who gobbled a beaver's anal gland
13:18Genuinely absolutely disgusting
13:21I mean Richard Attenborough and thank David
13:33It's not really that complicated so I created a small bikini clan don't know I know that's kind of I
13:42guess a femme fatale yeah
13:45She was feasted upon by this bird but we can't give you credit for the bird that happened to come
13:50along that was nature
13:51It was part of his plan. We're not allowed to work with nature
13:56Yeah, pretty good documentary they had all those foxes
14:06Okay, new rule if you cook tonight someone else makes the teas if you went to work today
14:12Someone else makes the teas I'm saying if you're a child who gets to go to school and talk about
14:17tick-tock and Taylor Swift or whatever
14:18You make the bloody tees they're parasites children of parasites
14:36And we're in a state of shock and awe
14:44See he's absolutely right yes the finalists are all trying to do the most shocking yet family-friendly thing with
14:50a doughnut and next
14:51It's Sue Perkins
15:06Prepare to face the doughnut of doom excuse the American spelling are you ready?
15:23Shocking
15:26Okay, this is it
15:43Listen I know some element of the surprise has gone now you've got four minutes left so we'll do it
16:18You've got five minutes left, you've got four minutes left
16:24Who's next, please?
16:25Well, here are Julian and Susan. OK.
16:29Could you come over here, please? Right, yes, of course.
16:31I'd like you to kneel down here. Right.
16:57OK.
16:58Coffee? Mm-hm.
17:10Oh. Chili sauce?
17:20Oh.
17:23Oh, ketchup.
17:27Oh!
17:43Oh!
17:49It's all in a drink. Mm.
17:54Oh!
17:55Oh!
17:57Oh!
18:03Oh!
18:07Good luck.
18:08Oh!
18:13Oh!
18:14Oh!
18:18It's all done.
18:23LAUGHTER
18:27Family friendly?
18:28We should probably encourage people not to do it too often at home.
18:31OK.
18:31Yeah, thanks, Julian.
18:32Good luck to you and your family.
18:35LAUGHTER
18:37APPLAUSE
18:43Susan, it's a first. Congratulations. You made me wretch on Tasmania.
18:47I actually gipped.
18:48We were all expecting there to be a point to it, but...
18:51LAUGHTER
18:52Things were coming out that hadn't gone in.
18:56LAUGHTER
18:59But I tell you, the look on everybody's faces was like the high point of Taskmaster for me as I
19:04did that.
19:05Right, that, Dane, that's the thing she's enjoyed most.
19:07LAUGHTER
19:09Julian, I was not expecting that.
19:12No, I wasn't really knowing if I would follow through, as it were.
19:18LAUGHTER
19:18But once it started, he was going to get it.
19:21LAUGHTER
19:22All right, here's some points.
19:25Guess who only gets one point?
19:26Give it to me, Uncle Greg!
19:29Right, one point to Sue.
19:31No, no, Sam.
19:32Come on, Grunkle.
19:34LAUGHTER
19:36Just give him three points.
19:38I think that both Susan and Julian are disgusting.
19:42I'm giving him four points.
19:44But if a woman regurgitates a doughnut into a man's mouth, she takes five points.
19:49Always.
19:50APPLAUSE
19:52OK.
19:54Can I have a scoreboard, please?
19:56I can.
19:56Julian and Lucy both have nine points.
19:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:01Right.
20:03On with the next.
20:05Yes, sir.
20:06And it's time for PE.
20:08MUSIC
20:25There you are.
20:26What can it be?
20:27I thought we were going to be trampolining, but that was wrong, wasn't it?
20:30I'm sorry, you're not trampolining.
20:32It's very good for your liver.
20:33Is it?
20:34Yes, shakes it all up, gets the toxins out.
20:36Oh, for goodness sake.
20:38Demonstrate the most effective high-intensity four-part exercise routine.
20:43Each of your four exercises must be original and must take place on this mat.
20:48The first must last eight seconds, the second far...
20:54The third two, and the fourth one second long.
20:58Also, each move must start with a whoops and yeah is how it ends.
21:03Each move must start with a yeah and end with a scream.
21:08Must start with a scream and end with a gasp.
21:12Must start with a gasp and end with an ah.
21:16Must start with an ah and end with a whoops.
21:19I think most things I do, do that.
21:22You have a maximum of 15 minutes.
21:25Your time starts now.
21:27When I think exercise, I think exorcism.
21:31So when you think exercise, you think of a different word.
21:33Yeah.
21:35I'm guessing this is just for fuel, just a bit of like...
21:39Yes, hydration.
21:40Yeah.
21:41Just because I want to increase my body temperature,
21:44I think let's gaffer me up real good.
21:48So you've got to be speaking in tongues.
21:50Could you give me a little demonstration of that?
21:56OK.
21:58APPLAUSE
22:02Well, we've got to the stage now, Sam.
22:04Well, I'm not even surprised anymore.
22:06We know each other.
22:08We do know each other.
22:09Yeah.
22:11Do you know what phrase I want to take us into the break?
22:15It's gaffer me up real good.
22:17LAUGHTER
22:30Hello!
22:32Welcome back to our final.
22:35I think it's about time we had a decent workout, Alex.
22:38Yes, time to see their exercise routines.
22:40Let's go to the gym.
22:43AHHHHH!
22:57May the power of Christ compel you.
23:02Ah!
23:11Whoops!
23:15Can I keep the hydration?
23:20Yeah!
23:22Oof!
23:24Oof!
23:26Oof!
23:28Oof!
23:30AHHHHH!
23:38May the power of Christ compel you.
23:42Ow!
23:48Woops!
23:48Oof!
23:53Yeah!
23:55W Using outCs
24:03may the power of Christ compel you.
24:06Ow!
24:08Woops!
24:36I think you only did one exercise
24:39What was going on there? All right? Yeah hot yoga. It's a thing
24:43Is that why you gathered yourself up real good for hot yoga reasons? Of course my kidneys were
24:52You were so over hot you started pronouncing the name of organs
25:02What exercises were there within yours and there was head football you did call it head football. Yeah
25:09Birds from the 70s. What like that go on top of the pops. Yeah
25:17Susan you've lost me a little bit when you were rolling those little dumbbells on the floor
25:21I know and that doesn't look deceptive. It's to help get
25:26hench
25:26Err wrists
25:28LAUGHTER
25:29Do I get them nice and thick?
25:31Julian my observation is none of them involved you doing very much work
25:36LAUGHTER
25:37Oh no there was pelvic floor
25:39Mm-hmm. Do you want me to tell you what you called them? Yes
25:41Well the first one you called it stirrups
25:43The third was called the flying homosexual
25:47LAUGHTER
25:48The fourth was called horsey hamstrings
25:50Remember the second was called the one where you were punching me with your feet?
25:53Punch the...
25:54LAUGHTER
26:03And to the eternal quandary
26:07What I'll need you to do is to justify how you exercising Alex exercised you
26:14We had to get rid of his the heathens
26:17LAUGHTER
26:20Well we'll just flip around the last two I was exorcising him
26:23He was upside down the last one
26:24Oh yeah
26:25Right I'll just score them
26:27I can't separate Sue, Susan and Lucy I don't think
26:32I don't think I deserve that many
26:34All right great
26:36LAUGHTER
26:38So if I give Lucy two points
26:41I'll give the Susans three
26:43I think there was a variety in the weird exorcism
26:46I'm going to give him four points
26:47With Julian I think there were four distinct exercises
26:50I'll give him five points
26:51There we go
26:51APPLAUSE
26:52Julian Clarence
26:54Do we have something special lined up for our last task Alex?
26:59Oh we certainly do Greg
27:00And for the very first time I'd like to welcome everybody to the Taskmaster Hotel
27:28Let's go
27:28Sue, Susan, should we put these on?
27:31Yeah
27:31Come on
27:32Get confused
27:33OK
27:34Alex isn't here
27:35Oh I've got keys
27:37It's very exciting
27:37I've got some reservations
27:39Oh we're busy
27:40Brian O Yoghurt is in room one which is good
27:43That's good
27:43So
27:45Do you want me to?
27:46Yeah
27:47Give your guest the best service
27:50He has 30 minutes
27:52His time starts now
27:55His time starts now?
27:56Who's our guest?
27:57Shall we go find Alex?
27:59Shall we go find a mannequin?
28:00Guess
28:00Is he going to come in?
28:02Normally they...
28:04Ah
28:04Good evening
28:05Hi
28:06Can I check in please?
28:08Bonjour
28:08Hello
28:09Can I have a new hotel Taskmaster?
28:16Um...
28:17I know what you two are going to be like playing together as hotel managers right up your street
28:23I wouldn't be surprised if you opened the B&B on the street
28:27And the other group I imagine it's a case of Uncle Julian managing the two lunatics
28:34Okay so first up let's see how Susan and Sue do it being hoteliers
28:40I've put to room so if I could check in that'd be great
28:42Yeah
28:43Are you Mr. Brian O Yoghurt?
28:45Why do you think I'm Mr. Brian O Yoghurt?
28:46Well I don't think that but we just had a...
28:48That's our mistake sir
28:49What is your name sir?
28:50Chris
28:50Chris
28:51What's your surname?
28:52Tuff Wix's
28:52Okay
28:53How do you spell that?
28:54T-U-B-W-X-Y-Z
28:59Tuff Wix's
29:00How do you spell cross?
29:01Q-R-S
29:01Oh no we have it here
29:02Here we have
29:02Room 13
29:04Room 13
29:06Okay
29:09And here is your room
29:11Room 13
29:11Let's go
29:11We'll just bring your bags in as well
29:13Lovely
29:14Thank you very much
29:14Thank you
29:15Thank you so much
29:16Thank you
29:18You've worked in the hospitality industry
29:19I have
29:21Extraordinary
29:21I think he's going to ring us
29:23That's what I think
29:25Check check check
29:26There's these different rooms right?
29:27These are different rooms
29:28Yeah
29:29Shall we ring and see if he's okay?
29:31No that's oppressive
29:32Well done
29:35Hello Taskmaster Hotels
29:36Sue speaking
29:36Oh hello Sue
29:37It's Chris
29:38Tuff Wix is in room 13
29:39I was hoping to order some room service
29:41If that's alright
29:42Absolutely
29:42Have you got the menu?
29:44Do you know what you'd like?
29:45It's a hot cucumber sandwich
29:46And a glass of milk
29:47Thank you
29:48Bye bye
29:49Cucumbers served between two warm slices of bread
29:51Bung
29:52Two of those in there
29:53Got you
29:53Got you
29:54Do you think you'd like butter?
29:55Ooh
29:56Hi
29:59Hello Taskmaster Hotel
30:01How may I help you?
30:02When I booked
30:02I asked for a room with a view
30:04And all I can see is a hedge
30:06I would love a better room
30:08I can double check and see whether room 20 is free
30:11That's a much nicer view I think
30:13Well that would have been nice to have been in that to begin with if I'm honest
30:16I'm ever so sorry sir
30:17OK
30:18I have been waiting for quite some time for the food so
30:20Bye
30:21I prefer Alex
30:22OK
30:23Bye
31:01Bye
31:02Bye
31:31Bye
31:32Bye
32:01Bye
32:02Bye
32:31Bye
32:32Bye
33:01Bye
33:02Bye
33:31Bye
33:32Bye
34:01Bye
34:02Bye
34:31Bye
34:32Bye
35:01Bye
35:02Bye
35:31Bye
35:32Bye
36:01Bye
36:02Bye
36:31Bye
36:32Bye
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