00:04AHHHHHH
00:05AHHHHH
00:05Good evening
00:09AHHHHHH
00:10AHHHHHH
00:11AHHHHHHHHH
00:12AHHHHH
00:12AHHHHH
00:13I trained at RADA
00:14What have I created?
00:16AHHHHH
00:18And we laughed
00:22AHHHHH
00:25THEY CONFER
00:25THEY CONFER
00:34Hello, everybody. I'm Greg Davis and this is Taskmaster.
00:38I hope you don't mind, but I thought I'd take this opportunity
00:40to quickly answer some of the questions from members of the public.
00:44Here we go. Do I watch the show back?
00:46No. My physical decline is deeply upsetting to me.
00:49Do I wear those socks by choice?
00:51No, I don't. It's a novelty format,
00:54forced upon me by those more excited by contrived, broad eccentricity.
00:58Is Alex actually tall?
01:00No, he's just over five foot.
01:03Why do I keep insulting him?
01:05Because he's had a soft upbringing and it has made him weak.
01:08Now, questions over.
01:10Let's ask some more pertinent ones.
01:13Who are the five chosen ones
01:15who will dance through the fire of Olympic-level endurance this week?
01:18I'll tell you, they are...
01:20Julian Clary!
01:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:23Lucy Beaumont!
01:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:25Sam Campbell!
01:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:28Sue Patti!
01:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:30And Susan Wakona!
01:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:34And sitting next to me, a man who once privately told me
01:37that if it was up to him, Scotland would be physically sawn off
01:41from the UK and floated into the North Sea.
01:44To quote him, we'll soon find out how much they want independence
01:47when all they've got to eat is shortbread.
01:50LAUGHTER
01:51It's...
01:52Little Alex Hall!
01:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:57Well, I'm very busy at the moment.
01:58Phew!
02:00Guy got asked to do the Christmas lights in Chesham where I live.
02:03Oh, yeah?
02:03Yeah!
02:04Put them up.
02:05Put them up.
02:06Store them in my spare room where I was sleeping,
02:09so I'm now in the, um, in the living room.
02:11Yeah.
02:11And, uh, Russell Grant's turning them on.
02:13LAUGHTER
02:13Good.
02:14OK, let's move on to the prize task.
02:15Yes, please.
02:16I'm on it, you big bad boy.
02:18And today you've...
02:19LAUGHTER
02:19..you've asked them to bring in the best sign.
02:22The best sign will get five points
02:23and the winner of the episode will take home five signs
02:25and that's me signing off.
02:27Susan, welcome back to the show.
02:28Hello.
02:29Have you got a great sign?
02:31It's the sign...
02:33..of...
02:33..Cock Pond Clapham Common!
02:35Here it is.
02:36Ooh!
02:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:39A few years ago I was like,
02:41oh, I was born in London but I don't really know London.
02:44So then I started going on London walks,
02:46which is when you wake up really early on a Sunday
02:49and you follow normally a jaded actor around bits of London
02:54and there is a walking tour where you go and look at dirty signs,
02:59um, around London and, uh, this is one of my favourites
03:03because I'm a child, apparently.
03:05Yeah.
03:05Um, yeah.
03:06I like Cock Pond.
03:07Thanks.
03:08You can quote me on that.
03:10LAUGHTER
03:12Sue, pond full of cots?
03:14Can you beat it?
03:15LAUGHTER
03:16This is a sign from a well-known and beloved broadcasting institution.
03:20Here's Sue's sign.
03:22Do you remember that the BBC sold the BBC television studios?
03:26I do remember.
03:27Yeah, it was a terrible dark day.
03:28Terrible decision, yeah.
03:29And, uh, I filmed the last pilot in there.
03:31OK.
03:31On the day that it was shut down.
03:33Yeah.
03:33And when we came out, it was like the end of the...
03:35It was like the end of days.
03:37It was...
03:37People were just pulling down signs, pocketing treasures.
03:41They were basically asset-stripping the BBC from the inside out.
03:45LAUGHTER
03:46And I thought, this is awful, and I can't...
03:49I...
03:49And I just saw the signs, and then Claudia Winkleman said,
03:53I'll give you a bunk-up.
03:55LAUGHTER
03:55She gave me a...
03:56She gave me a boost, ripped them off the wall,
03:59she took a stage door one, popped it down, and off we trundled.
04:03I mean, to be honest, Sue, Winkleman's got Petty Thief written all over her.
04:06LAUGHTER
04:06It's a great prize, it might get you a few points.
04:09OK.
04:09Sam.
04:10Let me take you away from this, um, studio.
04:13We're at the British...
04:14The Great British Library.
04:15Wow.
04:17Have you nicked that?
04:19Yeah.
04:19I mean, it's fairly irresponsible, you could...
04:21How good is it, though?
04:22Oh, it's great, sorry.
04:24Please take care.
04:25Piazza Slippery.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:27It sounds like a European spy.
04:29Is it?
04:29Be careful, Piazza Slippery.
04:31Yeah.
04:32This is a very slippery mission.
04:35LAUGHTER
04:35Lucy, what have you bought in?
04:37I brought a pub sign.
04:40OK.
04:41For a home pub.
04:45Whose pub was it?
04:46Ours, mine.
04:47Your one and your husband's?
04:49And your husband's, yeah.
04:50Here's a pub sign.
04:51LAUGHTER
04:53I think it's got a warm feeling to me.
04:56Is there a landlord or a landlady at the Dog & Bastard?
04:59Me.
05:00It's nice, cos if you do get drunk,
05:02sometimes you forget you're not in a real pub and then...
05:05Like, there was one time I went to bring a taxi,
05:07and someone had to say,
05:08you're next to your house, you don't...
05:11LAUGHTER
05:11It's your pub.
05:12Yeah.
05:13It's a good sign.
05:14Julian.
05:14Oh, I think you'll like this.
05:16LAUGHTER
05:17It's very endearing.
05:19It's a sign that I saw in the green room
05:21when I was at the Hull Literary Festival.
05:24A highbrow sign?
05:25Mm.
05:25You're in good company.
05:27LAUGHTER
05:27Who's Julian's sign?
05:31LAUGHTER
05:32LAUGHTER
05:32It's an unpretentious event.
05:38LAUGHTER
05:38Did you actually steal this?
05:39No, I couldn't, cos the artist wouldn't have known where to eat.
05:43LAUGHTER
05:44Jesus Christ, that is low-run, isn't it?
05:47I'm going to do this based on which signs I'd like to take home the most.
05:51OK.
05:51I personally wouldn't want two post-its.
05:54LAUGHTER
05:55Well, I did laugh, so it seems really cruel,
05:57but I'm going to give Julian one point.
05:59Sorry, Julian.
05:59OK, one point to Julian.
06:00Oh, I understand.
06:01I don't want to take your pub sign,
06:03because I think it belongs on your pub.
06:05No, I've brought it.
06:06Ah, two points.
06:07Two points to...
06:08Three points to Sam.
06:09Well done, Sam.
06:10I genuinely want that BBC sign,
06:12so I'm giving that five points,
06:13and unbelievably, I'm giving Cock Pond for...
06:16LAUGHTER
06:17There we are.
06:17There we are.
06:18So, five to Steve Larkin.
06:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:22Here we go.
06:23Do you have something special lined up?
06:25Oh, I do.
06:26In fact, I'd go as far as to say it's legendary.
06:37MUSIC PLAYS
06:46Oh!
06:48Look at that!
06:49How's it going?
06:50Yeah, pretty good.
06:52What have you brought?
06:54James Bond would never go on a mission
06:56without his favourite gadgets.
06:58I've never seen him bringing a tape measure to a mission.
07:01You only measure twice.
07:03LAUGHTER
07:04This is my Excalibur moment.
07:06Maybe.
07:07Oh!
07:08I'm actually quite good with the sword.
07:10Why?
07:10Oh, cos I went to drama school.
07:13LAUGHTER
07:13I mean, no surprise, it's the first line.
07:16Pull the sword from the stone.
07:18Many have tried.
07:18You may not force the sword or break the stone.
07:23The champion is the one who releases the sword fastest.
07:26Your time starts...
07:30Now.
07:32Can I have the sword, please?
07:36Go on, give me the sword.
07:38LAUGHTER
07:39This is amazing.
07:41I feel like I'm in Dubai.
07:43LAUGHTER
07:48I'm sure the rulers of Dubai will be thrilled.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:51With that comparison.
07:54Um, Susan, you seem a little apologetic about the fact
07:56that you went to drama school.
07:57Yeah.
07:59LAUGHTER
07:59Is it a sort of embarrassment for you?
08:01No, no, no, no.
08:02I'm in enough debt because of it.
08:03No, it's absolutely fine.
08:05Yeah.
08:05Well, it really pays off, we can tell from your performance
08:07of the Arthurian-sounding, er...
08:11Can I have the sword, please?
08:13LAUGHTER
08:13Well, let's have a look.
08:14OK, then.
08:15And we're going to begin with Loose B and Sue P.
08:17Here we go.
08:18I mean, for form's sake.
08:20Urgh!
08:22It isn't correct.
08:23No.
08:24It's a magic sword.
08:25So, something releases the sword.
08:27Well, could it be Lucy?
08:30Yeah.
08:30Beaumont.
08:32So, clues.
08:33God, I love an old...
08:35Oh, my God!
08:36Join the Women's Institute, darling daughter.
08:3899-0...
08:401000B.
08:41That's just plain gibberish.
08:44None of it makes sense.
08:45I like it when I just get to run around.
08:48You can run around.
08:49It won't do anything, will it?
08:51Can I ring somebody?
08:53Could I ring the Women's Institute?
08:56Let's hunt further.
08:58Thank you for calling the NSWI.
09:01The Constitution-related inquiry.
09:04I think it's that one.
09:05I think it's the Constitution inquiry.
09:09Welcome to the messaging office.
09:11Oh, God!
09:14Alex, would you pour this cracker for me?
09:15Oh, I'd love to.
09:16Thanks, darling.
09:17One, two, three.
09:18Yay!
09:20Which comedian knows how to make their hair smarts?
09:23Their hair smarts?
09:24None of them.
09:26Is this relevant?
09:28What?
09:29OK.
09:30Ooh!
09:30There's a cross.
09:32I don't even know what part of the world that is.
09:34Is that Africa?
09:35No.
09:36Is this Australia?
09:37No.
09:38America?
09:39No.
09:39Europe?
09:39It's somewhere in Europe.
09:40I don't think I can tell you much more than that.
09:42He's got an U.
09:43Wait a minute.
09:45I've seen little letters.
09:47France?
09:48No.
09:49Netherlands?
09:50Uh-uh.
09:50Moldova?
09:51No.
09:51Croatia?
09:52Ah, no.
09:53Is it the UK?
09:54There's an E.
09:56There's an A.
09:57I feel like I'm in James Bond.
10:00No, it don't count it.
10:01Really?
10:02Cornwall.
10:02Devon.
10:03Devon!
10:06Devon!
10:08BUZZER
10:08Make you say anything, Sue.
10:10I've got a D.
10:11It's a D.
10:12W.
10:12U.
10:12I.
10:13E.
10:14C.
10:14N.
10:15B.
10:15E.
10:18E.
10:19Waddy.
10:20E.
10:21Waddy.
10:21Waddy.
10:22B.
10:46Waddy.
10:46Waddy.
10:47Waddy.
10:48Waddy.
10:51Waddy.
10:51Waddy.
10:52Waddy.
10:52Waddy.
10:53Waddy.
10:54Waddy.
10:55Waddy.
10:56Waddy.
10:57Waddy.
10:57Waddy.
10:58Waddy.
10:58Waddy.
10:58Waddy.
10:59Waddy.
10:59Waddy.
11:00Waddy.
11:01Waddy.
11:02Waddy.
11:02Waddy.
11:03Waddy.
11:03Waddy.
11:11Waddy.
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