- 19 minutes ago
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00:00I'm not a person not according to the government. I'm sorry, but that is so fucked up
00:08Property, you know, it's heady. Let's get out of here. Come on
00:15Look you seem like good people be careful
00:19What do you mean be careful?
00:21The state official I spoke to made it sound like your status had gone under the radar for some time
00:27Your adoption request may have raised some red flags if they choose to investigate the issue
00:33It may leave you quite vulnerable
00:49Hey
00:50Just got off work and I heard your message is that for real did they actually tell you that yeah,
00:54it's unbelievable
00:54Property but they said I'm property. Yeah, what does that even mean like you're a thing what like garbage or
01:00a piece of shit?
01:01Well, I mean maybe more like a hammer or an orange, but yeah
01:04No, what the hell do they know? It's just a word if they can't change your whole life just by
01:09calling it property
01:11Bullshit better ask my ancestors
01:13You know one minute you in Africa watching your clothes in the river titties out you're good
01:17Then all of a sudden you somewhere across the world fucking Thomas Jefferson
01:21Wow you make history come alive. Why the hell is this just coming up now?
01:26Well, I mean I've never voted. I don't have a driver's license. I don't pay taxes. I mean hell. This
01:31is the first job I ever had
01:35Dead can I see you for a moment?
01:38I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to let you go
01:42What why I've been busting my ass at this job for three years. I just got a call from the
01:46labor department
01:48I can't legally keep you on as an employee because I've been informed that you're technically technically not a person.
01:54Yeah, Jesus Christ
01:56I'm sorry, but as of today
01:59You're fired
02:03Dear Ted your chase bank account has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship
02:08Dear Ted your discover card has been revoked. Dear Ted you are no longer a Papa Gino's rewards member fuck.
02:15That's a big one
02:16It's poor baby booty
02:18It's always gonna be empty
02:20There's never gonna be a little foot in here. I don't understand. We would have made such great parents. Oh
02:27My god. Oh my god, Teddy. What what what's wrong? Look at this
02:32Dear Ted the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you that due to an oversight regarding your legal status
02:39Your marriage to Tammy Lynn McCafferty. It's unrecognized by the state and therefore invalid and hereby annulled
02:48Daddy can they do this to us? Let me see that
02:55This is a nightmare
03:00You fucking believe that no this is insane me Tammy's the woman I love
03:05You know, I never would even have tried to adopt a dog if I don't know it was gonna cause
03:09me this kind of shit storm
03:10This whole thing is complete bullshit. No, you ask me. We got to fight it. What do you mean? I
03:15mean we get a lawyer
03:17Oh my god, can we do that? Hell, yeah, you know, we do we'll get a lawyer and we'll sue
03:21the fucking government for your civil rights
03:22Johnny, that's a great idea
03:25Hey, hey, maybe we get one of them Harrison Ford lawyers who gets shot in the head and then turns
03:28all retarded nice and goes
03:29What we're doing is wrong. Yes, you know what we get out there. We stick it to him good
03:33We'll take that shit all the way up to judge Judy if we have to yeah, but we don't know
03:37any lawyers all our friends make sandwiches
03:39Oh, we just Google Boston lawyers
03:40Yeah
03:43She's look at that black hawk
04:06This is a very complicated case you have here
04:10Most civil rights cases are but this one has some very obvious wrinkles
04:14Well, everybody says you're the best in town
04:17Listen, your case is not gonna be cheap. What is your financial situation?
04:23Uh, well all of our holdings are tied up in the railroads. Yeah, Redding Railroad, B&O Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad
04:28We're working on short line. Um, I own Atlantic Avenue and Marvin Gardens
04:31And I own four houses on Baltic Ave. I was thinking about just tearing them down and building a hotel
04:35I won second prize in a beauty contest. That's $50 right there. Are you guys just saying Monopoly stuff?
04:40Tell you what, I'm gonna go drive around the block and I'll be back with $200
04:43I'll tell you what I'm gonna do
04:45My niece recently passed her bar exam and I've hired her on as a junior associate here at the firm
04:51I could assign her to your case pro bono
04:53And then you would get a hungry young attorney and I would get a more experienced lawyer in return
04:58So what do you say to that?
05:00Yeah, sure. Sounds great
05:02Um, are those high candies, like, just to take?
05:06Uh, those aren't supposed to be out
05:15Hello?
05:20Oh, fuck
05:23Hi
05:23You okay?
05:24Yeah, I'm fine. You must be Ted
05:28Yeah, uh, I'm Ted. This is my buddy John
05:30Hi
05:31Uh, my uncle says that you guys are my first clients
05:35Uh, well, it's been discussed, but, um, do you mind if I ask how old you are?
05:40I'm 26
05:42Ah
05:43What, is there a problem?
05:45Well, you know, I just don't want my lawyer singing Frozen songs during the opening arguments
05:49You know, it's just, this is a really important case
05:50I mean, Ted has already lost his job, his marriage has been annulled
05:53I know, my uncle, my uncle gave me all the details
05:55Right, but see, the thing is, you know, we don't want to take any chances because the stakes are so
05:59significant
05:59Yeah, I mean, we can't just rush in anything
06:01We've got to make sure we're making the right decisions
06:02Yeah, we really appreciate your time
06:04But I think what we're probably going to do is just take a seat and get to work
06:07We trust you completely
06:07Yeah, we really feel like you've got a lot to offer
06:12Sorry, you don't mind the pot, do you?
06:14I get migraines
06:15Oh, absolutely, me too
06:16Yeah, I'm going to get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minutes
06:19Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson
06:21Ted, how are you?
06:23Good to meet you
06:24Joe
06:24Nice to meet you
06:25Wait, wait, wait, what's your middle name?
06:27Leslie
06:28Oh my God
06:29So you're Sam L. Jackson
06:31That's fucking great, just like Sam L. Jackson
06:33Who is that?
06:35You ever seen any movie ever?
06:36He's the black guy
06:40That weed is really good
06:41It reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called Here Comes Autism
06:45Yeah, I was just going to say, it's sort of like this other batch we had called How Long Has
06:48That Van Been There?
06:50No, it's this news stream my dealer gave me called Help Me Get Home
06:53You know, I'm surprised a lawyer like you gets high
06:55I mean, aren't you supposed to be fighting the war on drugs and all that shit?
06:58Please, the war on drugs is a joke
07:00It's just a way for the government to inflate law enforcement budgets
07:03And lock up minorities for no good legal reason
07:06And you, my friend, are an oppressed minority
07:09Yeah, no shit
07:10They've denied you the same rights as everybody else just because you're different
07:14And I say that's a violation of the Constitution
07:17So, what do you say? Can you get me my life back?
07:23I'm gonna try
07:25Hey, guys
07:27I'm having some trouble over here
07:29What's the matter?
07:31Can you help me get home?
07:34I'm having a really hard time here, guys
07:36Johnny, it's okay, buddy, it's okay
07:37You're doing fine, you're doing great
07:39I know, I know, come on, it's okay
07:41It's okay, though, you just have to hang on to the wall
07:44Don't let them go get me
07:46How far away do you live?
07:48About a mile and a half
07:49Oh, fuck, okay
07:51Hey, it's okay
07:55Open your eyes
07:59They'll take the prize
08:03All right, I got your head Scott versus Samford
08:05Plessy versus Ferguson
08:07And Brown versus the Board of Education
08:09I got Kramer versus Kramer
08:10Alien versus Predator
08:12And Freddy versus Jason
08:13I got the Ernest goes to camp
08:15Ernest goes to jail
08:16And the importance of being Ernest
08:18Which was very disappointing
08:21Well, I know I can do it
08:23I know I can do it too
08:29What's to be done now
08:31What's to be done
08:33You've got to put one foot
08:35In front of the other
08:37Two other foot
08:38Down, down, down
08:41Okay, I'm going to ask you
08:42sheet test questions
08:43Are you ready?
08:43Yep, bring it on
08:44You're on the stand
08:45The DA says
08:46Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?
08:49Objection sustained
08:49No, the witness can't object
08:51Overrule
08:51Sidebar
08:52Guilty
08:52Speculation
08:53Pearsay
08:53Bailiff
08:54Briefcase
08:54Disregard
08:55In my chambers
08:55Stop beaver on the witness
08:56I rest
08:57We could totally be lawyers
08:58Bang
08:58Give it a chance
09:02Teach it to dance
09:06Coming to life
09:08Little body
09:13When I know it
09:15You know it
09:15You know it
09:16You know it
09:17I can do it too
09:21What's to be done now
09:23What's to be done
09:25You've got to put one foot
09:27In front of the other
09:29Two other foot
09:30Down, down, down
09:32You've got to put one foot
09:35In front of the other
09:37Two other foot
09:38Down, down, down
09:41One foot
09:42And in front of the other foot, so the other foot down, down, down.
09:48You got one foot, and in front of the other foot, so the other foot down, down, down.
09:56You got to hurt one foot in front of the other foot, so the other foot down, down, down.
10:03You got to hurt one foot in front of the other foot, so the other foot down, down, down.
10:12One foot in front of the arm
10:15To the foot down, down, down, down, down, down, down
10:31Your name is Toby.
10:34You're going to learn to say your name.
10:36Let me hear you say it.
10:38What's your name?
10:42Kunta. Kunta Kinte.
10:44That's just like me. That's exactly what I'm going through.
10:47Well, it's a little different.
10:49You know, Ted, if you legally become a person, you're going to need a last name.
10:53Oh, yeah, you're right.
10:55Okay, okay, I got one.
10:57Okay, what is it?
10:58Clubber Lang.
11:00Who's Clubber Lang?
11:01Who's Clubber Lang?
11:02Mr. T's character in Rocky III. Hello.
11:05Is that the boxing movies?
11:07The boxing movies? You've never seen Rocky?
11:09Rocky's not serious.
11:10You've never seen Rocky.
11:11Come on, you know.
11:11Ba-dum-ba.
11:13Ba-dum-ba.
11:15Ba-dum-ba.
11:16You know, Rocky.
11:16I'm not going to remember a movie I've never seen just because you're singing a song I don't know.
11:20You don't know Samuel L. Jackson.
11:22You don't know Rocky.
11:23You are literally pop culture illiterate.
11:25I have a college degree.
11:26My pop culture references are Hamlet, Achilles, and Dorian Gray.
11:29Ever heard of any of them?
11:30No, but I'm pretty sure Mr. T could kick their ass.
11:33Yeah, Sam, you really need to be educated.
11:35Oh, really?
11:36Um, can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?
11:40Judy Blume?
11:40Hitler?
11:41F. Scott Fitzgerald.
11:42Who's that?
11:43The author.
11:45Well, why are you saying fuck him?
11:46What?
11:47You just said F. Scott Fitzgerald.
11:49What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
11:50Yeah.
11:50No, that's his first name.
11:52His name's fuck Scott Fitzgerald?
11:54What?
11:55No.
11:55Well, then what's the F stand for?
11:57Francis.
11:58No, it's got to be fuck.
11:59It must be fuck.
12:00It has to be fuck.
12:01Why the hell would it be fuck?
12:02Well, because otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
12:04Yeah, he's hiding something.
12:05It's fuck.
12:05Come on, read between the lines, Sam.
12:07It's fuck.
12:07It's completely insane.
12:09You guys are idiots.
12:10Yeah, well, whatever.
12:10Ted Kleberlang.
12:11Get used to it.
12:18Yes.
12:21Sir?
12:22Um, what if the janitors would like to see you?
12:26I'm busy.
12:27Fresh cakes?
12:30What is it, Danny?
12:31Uh, Donnie, sir?
12:32Well, Donnie, I'm extremely busy with the Comic-Con presentation, so...
12:36I'm told that you have an open-door policy here at Hasbro for new toy ideas from any and
12:40all employees?
12:42Yeah, I suppose that's true.
12:45All right, come in.
12:46Okay.
12:49Hey, I love your dress.
12:57Mr. Jessa, I can make this company a billion dollars.
13:01I'm listening.
13:0330 years ago, a little boy named John Bennett made a wish that his teddy bear would come
13:08to life.
13:09Somehow, one of our Hasbro bears...
13:12Yes, I'm aware of the story.
13:15Have you seen this?
13:22So what?
13:23Well, Ted is suing for his civil rights.
13:26If he loses, the state will officially declare him a non-entity with no rights under the law.
13:32That means he becomes property.
13:35Mr. Jessa, we could take him back with only a trivial degree of legal consequence if we
13:42were even caught.
13:43And why would we do this?
13:45Sir, if we could cut him open to see what makes him tick, we could manufacture millions
13:52of Ted's for every child in the world.
13:54Hasbro would double its profits overnight.
13:58Go on.
13:59We just have to make sure Ted loses the case.
14:02You use every back channel, every bribe, you call in every favor, and you get the best
14:08lawyer in the world on the defense.
14:12When Ted's rights are officially null, we grab him.
14:19No one's gonna kick up a legal fuss over property.
14:23You're a hell of a lot smarter than your urinal cakes, Danny.
14:26Really?
14:27Why?
14:28Now, what exactly do you want from this?
14:31Mr. Jessa, I'm not interested in money.
14:36I just want a Ted for my very own.
14:39All right.
14:40I think I can handle the defense.
14:43But let's make one thing clear.
14:45We never had this conversation.
14:47Goldner and the board cannot know about this until we have him.
14:51Do you understand?
14:53Yes, I do.
14:57I need Shep Wilde.
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