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00:02that was such a good dinner tammy lynn i've never had pringles on my steak before
00:07oh it's my pleasure i mean it's the least i can do with all you're doing for us really
00:12well i haven't done anything yet well you know we wanted to take you out to dinner but uh
00:16all we got is tammy's income these days since nobody will hire me things are getting really
00:21tight huh yeah i've had to do some things i'm not proud of bj's here get your bj's get your
00:27red hot bj's toothless and ready to go just three dollar three dollar get your bj's here
00:33wow hey listen i got an idea uh tammy what do you say you and me go do the dishes
00:37and give sam and diane here some alone time all right all right hey you go pull a bad back
00:44bitch
00:47what do you think that was about oh it's nothing that's his way of saying i should ask you out
00:52yeah look we should probably focus our attention on the keys i completely agree
00:58you know i i am a little bit curious how is it that a guy like you is unattached
01:03well i i was married at one point but it just didn't work out
01:08shit i'm sorry that sucks no i i mean we make it work day to day but
01:14you know she was always just trying to change me into something i'm not and i tried you know i
01:19mean
01:19i really tried everything i could to be the man that she wanted and one day i woke up and
01:25i just
01:25realized i wasn't myself anymore you know as much as i love this person you know we're completely wrong
01:32for each other at least you figured it out early some people go through their whole lives trying to
01:38make it work with the wrong person yeah so we're gonna win this thing honestly i don't know oh we're
01:47betting on you hey johnny come on it's almost seven o'clock we gotta get up there hey sam you
01:52want in
01:52on this what is it oh tuesday nights we get up and throw apples at jaggers
02:01oh there's one
02:03hey how's your workout
02:05fuck you
02:06that's an apple
02:07jesus what the hell is your problem
02:09that's everybody else's fault
02:10mary deca bam
02:12you sons of bitches
02:13what the fuck is
02:15oh
02:18that's the lottery
02:21that's what you get for
02:22fucking exercising
02:23that is unbelievable
03:00teddy
03:02teddy i'm scared
03:03baby we're gonna be fine all right i don't care what any
03:06fucking piece of paper says you're my wife
03:08i love you so much
03:10and i swear to god if we lose i'm gonna
03:12fucking cut that judge
03:13wait a minute you brought your switchblade
03:15yeah but they patted us down on the way in here where'd you even hide
03:18oh
03:21hey sam
03:23who's that button on over there
03:27that is why we've been working so hard that's shep wild it's our bad luck they put him on the
03:32trial
03:33he's never lost a case in his life
03:35mr wild
03:37your opening statement if you please
03:39thank you your honor
03:41i would first like to thank the ladies and gentlemen of the jury
03:44for taking time out of their busy schedules
03:48to be a part of these proceedings
03:50now the case we'll be examining today is really quite a simple one
03:56is ted a human being
03:59or a piece of property
04:01you know it really is a very special very unique thing to be human
04:07it's a gift from god bestowed upon only one species
04:11is
04:12but if we suddenly decide to share that gift
04:17where does that lead us
04:19does your dog deserve human rights
04:22your cat
04:23your toaster
04:28suddenly being human doesn't seem so special anymore does it
04:32i'm confident you'll make the right decision
04:36thank you mr wild for your opening statement
04:39miss jackson
04:46hi
04:48i'm samantha jackson
04:50i gotta be honest with you i'm
04:54i'm a little nervous
04:56why am i nervous um
04:58well not because i'm a junior attorney arguing her first case
05:03and not because some of you might laugh at the fact that i'm representing a teddy bear
05:09no i'm i'm nervous because of one simple word
05:17justice
05:19i'm nervous that you're going to be swayed by smooth talk and a haircut
05:26and forget about the most important aspect of this case
05:33justice
05:36150 years ago a slave by the name of dred scott
05:39sued to prove that he was a person and not a piece of property
05:43he lost and as history has shown us that wasn't justice
05:51in every civil rights conflict we are only able to recognize the just point of view
05:59years after the fact and when the next conflict comes along we're once again blind to it as it's
06:06happening well this is different we say but it isn't
06:12it is the same beast just wearing a different face and it's happening again today
06:19so i urge you ladies and gentlemen of the jury not to be a footnote on the wrong side of
06:25history
06:28the jury
06:28don't wait too long to be right
06:32thank you
06:38erection sustained
06:42miss mcafferty you and ted recently considered adopting a child is that correct
06:47yeah
06:48and if i may inquire why did you not choose to have a child of your own
06:52because teddy ain't got no dick
06:59and uh why does ted not possess a uh male appendage is it a freak of genetics
07:05no he ain't got a dick because he's a toy what's your excuse
07:10take a burn yeah how's your tongue tasting your own ass point dexter yeah what
07:15order
07:18mr bennett
07:19how would you categorize your relationship with ted
07:24he's my best friend so you don't see him as your property no he's not my property
07:29i mean he's a person he's way more of a person than lots of other people i mean
07:33fucking steven tyler what the fuck is that some kind of weird soccer mom looking goonie monster
07:37your honor i'll allow it thank you your honor your witness
07:45mr bennett
07:47mr bennett
08:15i'm sorry now you said your parents purchased ted as one might purchase a baseball glove or a big
08:23wheel no it's not like that objection you can't do that you know what this is
08:27bullshit all right this court is trying to tell me that i'm not as good as other people and this
08:32is
08:32exactly what you've been doing to the fags ted and i sorry sorry the homos the homos this is
08:36exactly what you've been doing to the homos and i say it's wrong miss jackson please control your
08:41client or i'll hold both of you in contempt of court now piss off all right i'm standing up for
08:46me
08:46and i'm standing up for the homos we deserve respect ted shut up fine
09:00your honor i'd like to call ted clubberlang to the stand yes my turn assholes
09:11ted
09:13do you love your wife objection she's not his wife the marriage was annulled i'll rephrase
09:20do you love tammy lynn i love my wife okay my wife more than anything in the world we're married
09:28i
09:28don't care what anybody says so you're saying you are capable of feeling love yeah hey it must be
09:36weird for you guys having a doll up here on the stand with no kid pointing to where his uncle
09:40touched
09:40him i no yeah no yeah i am i am capable i i love a lot of stuff yeah ted
09:47do you believe you have a soul
09:52what did you think i would do at this moment when you'll stand and befall me with tears in your
10:02eyes
10:04that answer your question objection your honor overruled yeah what it is man i don't mind ted right
10:13right sorry sorry look i'm not a scientist okay i i don't know exactly what makes a person a person
10:22all i know is i feel stuff just like all you guys and and i don't think i ought to
10:29be treated any
10:34different capable of love aware of his own consciousness
10:42seems pretty human to me no further questions mr kidder you were an employee at hasbro from 1976 to
10:521998 is that correct yes i supervised the stuffing of the teddy bears and what is that stuffing made of
10:58a synthetic cotton poly blend is there anything else in there the bear products are affixed with an
11:05electronic device in the chest which can be programmed to say any one of five phrases
11:17ted would you please press your chest
11:22what please follow the instructions mr clever lang
11:31i love you
11:43no further questions
11:47also in the news a pending court case is beginning to get national attention for its civil rights
11:52ramifications ted the bear who some of you may remember came to life back in the mid 80s
11:57right here in boston is suing to prove he is indeed a person okay so what are we even talking
12:04about
12:04here what what we're talking about is a civil rights issue this bear has rights oh he does not
12:10he's a toy then why are you calling it a he look we call the statue of liberty she but
12:15we all know it's
12:16an object made of copper and steel but she isn't isn't conscious or sentient he is now come on are
12:24any of you
12:25going to sit there and tell me that this stuffed doll is a person no not at all we all
12:29agree all the
12:29time i don't think he should want to be considered a person after all you know ted spent many years
12:34sleeping and cuddling with a child that's cute when you're a stuffed animal when you're a person
12:39that's a felony ted do you have anything to say in your own defense i am not
12:53you see your honor he's not an animal
13:04i'm sorry your honor i'm on my period and live from new york it's saturday night
13:31what is taking them so long well is it bad that they're taking this long
13:34it's not good or bad it just it just means that they're probably having a debate
13:38you know johnny it may be time to play the beetlejuice card what do you mean i mean saying
13:42his name three times what beetlejuice beetlejuice beetlejuice shut up you're crazy we don't want
13:48that guy running around in here no johnny he'll be on our side he'll help us beetlejuice beetlejuice
13:52if you are meddling with powers you do not understand cut the shit
14:08please be seated
14:12mr willer has the jury reached a verdict uh yes we have your honor um in the case of ted
14:19the commonwealth of massachusetts we the jury find for the commonwealth in that ted is not a person
14:39very well the plaintiff is hereby legally deemed property the definition entails the rights thereof
14:47the court wishes to be recognized in the terms of the commonwealth of massachusetts the court wishes to
14:53thank the jury for its service
14:55next time
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