- 8 hours ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:29Satsang with Mooji
00:33We are often told that happily ever afters exist only in the pages of fairy tales and
00:41in the naive minds of sheltered innocents.
00:45And yet, on this bright, sunny Boston afternoon, a talking teddy bear is about to marry his
00:52girlfriend, proving two things.
00:55Happy endings can come true for anyone, and America doesn't give a shit about anything.
01:02Do you, Tammy Lynn McCafferty, take this teddy bear to be your lawfully wedded husband?
01:09I do.
01:10And do you, Ted, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
01:16Fuckin' A right I do.
01:18Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
01:24You may kiss the bear.
01:48Ladies and gentlemen, your newlyweds.
01:59Oh, Teddy, this is the best day of my life.
02:02I just love you so much.
02:04I love you too, baby.
02:06I am gonna go 50 shades of bear on you tonight.
02:09Let's go get shit face.
02:10Okay.
02:19Hey, congrats you, mofos.
02:21Oh, hey, guy.
02:23Beautiful ceremony.
02:24Oh, thank you so much for being a part of it.
02:26Hey, this is my new boyfriend, Rick.
02:28How you doing?
02:29Good, good.
02:30He's a gourmet chef, so he knows how to toss a salad.
02:39Rick and I are actually about to tie the knot.
02:42Oh, you guys are getting married?
02:43No, we're just gonna go home and tie our dicks together.
02:46Ha, fuck you.
02:47Fuck you.
02:47Deal.
02:56Hey, buddy.
02:57You okay there?
02:58You look a little down.
03:00What, you still shaking off that hangover from the bachelor party?
03:02Oh.
03:03Jesus.
03:04Nice.
03:04Oh, my God.
03:05She's fucking begging for it.
03:06She's totally...
03:07Get it.
03:08Get in there.
03:09Look at her.
03:10She wants it bad.
03:11Oh, yeah.
03:12She wants more than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh?
03:15That's bigger than the average bear right there.
03:18Hey, you know what's fucked up?
03:19Dude, that's somebody's fucking daughter.
03:21Oh, Jesus.
03:22Come on.
03:25I'm fine.
03:25I was...
03:26I was thinking about Laurie.
03:29Oh, Johnny.
03:30Come on, man.
03:30It's been six months since you guys got divorced.
03:33I know.
03:34I know.
03:34It's just that...
03:35I don't know.
03:36Being back in that church again?
03:38I mean, everything seemed like it was gonna be so perfect.
03:40Yeah.
03:41Well, you're not the first guy to marry the wrong girl.
03:43Hey, hey!
03:44Big day, huh, bud?
03:46You guys wanna celebrate with a little...
03:49Don't they ask me?
03:50Uh, no thanks, Sam.
03:52Tammy Lynn would kill me if I did drugs on her wedding day.
03:54Ah, she won't notice.
03:56I just did a line with a dude in the men's room,
03:58and I bet you can't even spot him.
04:08Yeah, I'm gonna pass.
04:12I'm stepping out with my honey.
04:15Can't be bad to feel so good.
04:17Never felt quite so sunny.
04:19So I keep on knocking wood, yeah.
04:22Stepping out with my baby.
04:24Can't go wrong, cause I'm in rice.
04:26Ask me when will the day be?
04:29The big day may be tonight.
04:32This is the best day of my life!
04:35Holly Horner sing,
04:36Wahaibillal if not!
04:44I am having having a boyfriend-dressing room
04:48coherently.
04:48If you ever do drugs, I can't afford a judge.
04:48Don't do drugs…
04:49I am having cats in the day.
04:49We are right!
04:49And I am having cats in the room!
04:49You would be definitely in a obrig-adoon!
04:52Don't do coisa ему.
04:55Please mask myself!
04:55I am!
05:04What am I working?
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07:32us dry is what i think you're doing look at this look at this 129 at filene's basement what are
07:38you
07:38buying over there tammy gold bars i need clothes for work all right teddy what do you mean you
07:42wear a smock you're a cashier yeah so are you yeah exactly and i'm not i'm not going out and
07:47buying designer oh no no no no you're just buying weed you're just buying drugs you should
07:52talk i was talking i was just talking just now until you interrupted me well i have to interrupt
07:56you or else i never get to say anything you're always cutting me off are you gonna let me finish
08:00talking you know what it's important to look good at work are you gonna let me finish i am trying
08:04to
08:05climb the corporate fence nobody's in there to look at your ass they're all there to buy oh what am
08:09i
08:09acting like tammy what am i acting like like an asshole you don't gotta dress like elizabeth taylor
08:15to put a yam in a plastic bag i am the face of the business okay the face of the
08:20business
08:22listen to you you're delusional i should have married robert and chico i really should have
08:26go torture that asshole oh he treated me good and he had a dick he had an awesome dick oh
08:32newsflash
08:33boston whore has seen italian penis what the did you just call me i said what are you gonna call
08:41me
08:41hey hey hey hey hey hey you wanna throw shit yeah i wanna fucking throw i'll fucking throw
08:45shit oh wow wow
08:49hey teddy i'm really fucking scared of you you little fucking bear shut the fuck up oh for christ's sake
08:55hey you shut the fuck up why don't you come down and make me tough guy yeah why don't you
08:59come up
08:59here and make me come down here tough guy i hear i'm gonna come up there and i'm gonna kick
09:03your
09:03fucking ass why don't you try it asshole get your ass up here and kick my ass shut the fuck
09:09up you
09:09stupid bitch shut the fuck back to america you whore there's a classy neighborhood people are trying
09:14to sleep god damn it hey i'm really sorry yeah me too she's worse than us yeah she's our enemy
09:22now
09:30i mean have you guys at least tried marriage therapy oh god yeah it was a friggin disaster
09:35250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing 250 that's ridiculous i mean doesn't your insurance cover that
09:40or something no tammy lynn tried to sign up for obamacare on the internet but i came back five
09:45minutes later she was looking at black cocks it seems like every time you go online you're two
09:49clicks away from black cocks look see i'll google grand canyon here look it says did you mean black
09:56cocks i don't know man i gotta do something or my marriage is gonna collapse here you go guys we're
10:02gonna be closing in a few but i'm going to this after hours thing at my friend's apartment if you
10:07want
10:07to join oh thanks allison but i got an early day tomorrow oh okay well if you change your mind
10:14here's
10:15the address i put my cell number on there too oh my god are you fucking kidding me what you
10:26mean
10:26what after hours she said johnny she totally wants to sleep with you i'm not into it john you've been
10:31saying that for over a year and a half about every chick that throws herself at you you gotta get
10:35back
10:35in the game man oh don't start this shit all right look i wasted six years of my life with
10:39the wrong
10:39girl and i got burned i'm not gonna make that same mistake again jesus johnny you don't gotta marry
10:44allison you just gotta bang her and maybe pee on her a little what it's always good to find new
10:50ways to surprise your lover yeah i gotta take a leak sorry allison i tried oh it's okay i just
10:58wish
10:59he wasn't so goddamn cute yeah hey can i get a jack daniels with just a splash of gray goose
11:04wish i
11:05could help you but we're closing come on one drink and i promise i won't tell anybody that jay leno
11:09comes in here for gay bathroom sex hey what the fuck are you doing get off of me sorry my
11:15mistake
11:22there we go thanks a lot come again
11:32hey hello i'd like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal
11:39uh yeah yeah box of tricks that's right i've been led to understand that tricks are exclusively for
11:46children is that correct well i mean they say uh tricks are for kids in the commercials
11:52uh-huh uh-huh and is that enforced by law uh not to my knowledge no so if i purchase
12:00these tricks
12:02there'll be no trouble no no you should be fine you do understand that i myself am not a child
12:09i i was able to sniff that out yeah
12:14okay i'm gonna bring these back to my apartment
12:16uh yeah yeah yeah you'll you'll be okay and uh i won't be followed uh no that's that's not in
12:24our
12:24budget here hey i won't forget what you've done for me here today i would prefer that you do
12:52you two still not talking no honest to god joy i don't know how to fix this i mean how
12:58the hell do you
12:58take a broken marriage and make it work again well i'll tell you one way you have yourselves a baby
13:04a baby look at that you see them two white over there yeah what look at them they're so happy
13:12because they got that little baby keeping them together if they didn't have that baby they'd just
13:17be two sad ass white waiting for downtown abbey to come on why you said it twice is that an
13:23actual
13:23phrase or is it i'm telling you ted y'all better have a baby or your marriage is over trust
13:38uh hey go away teddy tammy listen i just want to talk to you okay will you just listen to
13:45me for one
13:45second why so you can give me about my clothes no look i'm sorry about that okay i'm sorry i
13:51was an
13:51asshole and i didn't mean it you know whatever teddy tammy listen i love you okay and i don't want
13:59us to fight like we've been doing the past few months i don't know teddy i mean something's got
14:03to change you know because i can't do this no more it's too much i know i know i know
14:08and and
14:09and that's why i want to have a baby you do yeah a baby like really yeah see i think
14:22if we got a kid
14:23to love it'll teach us how to love each other again oh my god teddy you better not be messing
14:29with me
14:30i swear to god not messing with you i think you'd make an awesome mom oh my god are you
14:34kidding me
14:34i would like kick so much ass at mom so what do you say we all good yes oh i
14:39love you i love you so
14:41much oh baby i love you too let's make a baby let's make a baby
14:55okay you ready oh yeah yeah here it comes okay okay i'm ready let's all go to court
15:03let's go make some law now yeah yeah yeah yeah some law i say we go to court yes let's
15:13go to
15:13court we're a bunch of assholes who take up a whole hallway with our conversation hey you lawyer
15:20guys you don't know me and johnny are watching you while we're high
15:28that was fucking that felt smooth that felt really smooth so in the pocket hey so uh listen
15:35i got uh i got some big news to tell you oh yeah what's that tammy lynn and i are
15:42gonna have a baby
15:45holy shit you yeah yeah we talked about it today too that's awesome congratulations thank you wait wait
15:51how how how do you guys how well yeah that's the thing we we uh we gotta find a sperm
15:56donor and um
15:58i'm wondering what do you think sam jones would say if i asked him do you want flash gordon to
16:03father
16:03your child yeah i mean do you think would that be weird like would he be freaked out if i
16:07no i think
16:08he'd be flattered and plus your baby would be a fucking superhero well that was the logic i arrived
16:13that as well yeah i say do it all right great well shoot him an email right now and see
16:17if i can stop
16:17by tonight you come with me sure all right great
16:23shit i can never get a signal in your apartment hey can i use your laptop yeah go ahead okay
16:28thanks
16:33what the fuck holy shit dude what's the matter what happened what's going on there's so much porn
16:40what the hell are you doing looking at my private shit what are you talking about private
16:43shit johnny it was wide open there were literally thousands of files here well i've been meaning to
16:48clear some of that out jesus christ look at the organization here clockwise rim job counterclockwise
16:53rim job yeah well sometimes you like seeing the tongue go the other way you sick bastard look at
16:58this chicks with dicks oh my god oh my god i have a disease all right i need help there
17:04are
17:04no chicks with dicks johnny only guys with tits well this is such a relief you know i'm glad i'm
17:08finally caught i i wanted to be caught johnny now you listen to me this is a wake-up call
17:12all right
17:12you got to get back out there and meet somebody because you are spiraling out of control here all
17:17right all right fine i will just stop looking at that shit please johnny i mean it all right the
17:20next chick you meet you are getting back in the game fine i got it done all right now let's
17:25get rid
17:25of this what what do you mean we'll just delete the files no no no that shit can always be
17:29recovered
17:29we gotta smash your laptop with a hammer all right there you happy no the circuits could still be
17:40reconstructed if somebody worked at it we gotta bury it in the harbor
17:58so uh basically that's it we need a sperm donor so what do you say you'd really be helping me
18:04and
18:04tammy out no can't do my brother well well why not oh look i did a lot of blow in
18:10the 80s and my
18:12my sperm count's a little low well how low one one yeah that little fella's having his own i am
18:21legend
18:21in my nutsack well can we have that one no you're gonna need it for protein if i ever get
18:27lost at sea
18:27come on guys i mean are we done here i gotta go that sister sister marathon ain't gonna watch
18:32itself can't believe it that son of a bitch that was really selfish of him i know and after i
18:38watched
18:39his piece of shit movie like a hundred times god damn it oh shit johnny please just help me do
18:52this
18:52okay he's the only guy in the world whose sperm is even close to flash gardens ted it's insane
18:57we could get in a lot of trouble but not if nobody finds out look look john john we sneak
19:01into his
19:01house jerk him off in his sleep and sneak out with the sperm it'll be easy and think how awesome
19:06the
19:06baby will be it would be a sweet ass fucking baby all right i'll help you all right but we
19:12gotta have a
19:23game plan
19:24all right come on just calm down
19:29yeah can i help you hey um are you uh tom brady yeah um hey um your neighbors called and
19:39your air
19:39conditions making a loud noise so i'm supposed to check out the unit okay yeah it's around back
19:43okay um i just may need a signature in case so i gotta get some pots for the billy you
19:48can just uh
19:49write that to uh john and ted with number 12 and you're not a cheetah i mean i think your
19:54balls are
19:54perfect let's throw i'm back all right yeah
20:19stupid idiot
20:28okay go go go
20:46take the damn raincoat off it's making too much noise piss off i don't want to get any jizz on
20:50me
21:02two league mvps four super bowl rings guaranteed first ballot hall of famer
21:07now let's get my hand job into this red solo cup all right go ahead what do you mean go
21:13ahead you you
21:13gotta do it what are you talking about you're the one who needs your sperm yeah but it's gotta be
21:17a
21:18human hand it's gotta be skin on skin otherwise it doesn't work who doesn't it's just friction look
21:22i've never done this before well neither have i you do it to yourself yeah but it's different
21:25you're an adult with a poster of this guy in your room you're telling me you don't want this
21:30yeah i want it you know i want it but i'm nervous all right what if he doesn't like the
21:33way i'm
21:52what are you doing here who are you who are you who are you who are you who are you
21:55you're gonna call a cop oh god wait wait wait mr brady take your goddamn teddy bear with you
22:04oh holy shit perfect spiral come on let's get out of here
22:18shit what the hell do we do now
22:21hey ted let me ask you something what's that why didn't you just come to me
22:26what are you talking about for the sperm johnny you kidding me you were the first person i wanted
22:34to go to but you you've just been so bummed out over your divorce lately that i just you know
22:39i
22:39didn't want to put you in an awkward position and plus after seeing your laptop i i didn't think you
22:44had any left just so you know i'm totally willing to do it really you you do that for me
22:51what ted
22:52you're my best friend i'd do anything for you i mean besides we just broke into tom brady's house
22:56and tried to jerk him off you're ready to be a parent god i don't know what to say tronnie
23:05thank you
23:06thank you so much hey thunder buddies for life remember thunder buddies for life oh come on we
23:13gotta get out of here before the cops show up all units we have a 317 on maple drive area
23:18units please
23:19respond what's a 317 someone's trying to steal tom brady's jizz again
23:37what what is that what are you doing i'm getting ready dude what are you getting ready what are you
23:42what are you doing with your hand i'm doing this for you i'm getting ready you gotta go in there
23:45before
23:45you got your hand on your dick what are you doing i'm trying to get it half hot so when
23:49i get in
23:49there i can just bust it out sitting out here in a public jerking off where you think you are
23:53red
23:53lobster what are you doing what do you think i gotta do in there all right forget it now look
23:56you
23:56haven't smoked pot for two whole days right yes i told you i'm clean all right your baby's gonna be
24:01fine right i'm sorry i just don't want something i gotta feed with a pitchfork when he's 16. john bennett
24:07hi right this way i'll show you where to deposit your specimen hey john bennett
24:13john bennett i know i just said your name oh all right yeah i'm sorry i'm just a little nervous
24:30and i've been out of the game for a while the game well i don't i don't talk to pretty
24:35girls that
24:35often pretty women ladies i see hey when i'm done here how about a drink i didn't i don't i
24:44don't
24:45mean this i just i meant like a regular drink i have a boyfriend oh yeah okay yeah too bad
24:51you're
24:51missing out on a great guy um do i just spit in my hand or do i get like a
24:56lube or something a
24:56magazine video i like asian teen stuff preferably there's a lube right there all right yeah thanks
25:07uh excuse me where's your non-jerk-off bathroom down that hallway to the left okay thanks
25:19oh no way oh hey doc is this is this where you guys store all the uh stuff
25:27it's the intermediary station before insemination are you submitting my friend is uh yanking out
25:33a sample in one of the rooms oh well that's a good friend yeah i'm dr danzer oh cool hold
25:39me
25:39closer dr danzer whatever i don't know now wait you look familiar are you that teddy bear who came
25:47alive i am that's me yeah see i was trying to figure out where i'd seen you before and that's
25:51it that's
25:51good eye good eye so how'd you get into this line of work do you do you just love cum
25:56uh uh not
25:58especially but i love helping good people fulfill their dreams of having children it's amazing what
26:03we can do here you wanna you wanna have a look yeah sure this is where we perform our pre
26:11-implantation
26:12genetic diagnosis we can eliminate hereditary diseases such as cystic fibrosis muscular
26:17dystrophy sickle cell anemia the list goes on and on really wow hey johnny you did it right here buddy
26:25ew i mean awesome excuse me doctor your wife's on the phone she said it's an emergency excuse me i'll
26:31be right back you want to see it huh you want to see your kid i can see it from
26:37here thanks yeah
26:38dude take a closer look it's your kid no no no no come on no come on no that's close
26:42enough
26:42johnny beautiful yeah i'll trade you catch oh god dude that's somebody's kid well it's not my fault
26:49a rod you were supposed to catch it we're gonna find something scoop it up there's containers over
26:52there get scoop it up all right all right no no that's not gonna work you need two of them
26:57you're
26:57gonna scoop one into the other oh my god oh my god it's in my fucking mouth hang on i
27:12gotta post
27:12this on facebook no hashtag grr mondays oh my god look i'm so sorry i swear to god it was
27:20an accident
27:21we're so sorry well i guess it's all right those are the rejected sickle cell samples yeah you hear
27:26that johnny you covered and rejected black guy sperm you look like a kardashian no make sure you
27:46have all the updated information on our comic-con placement this has to be the biggest most
27:50impressive rollout at the convention morning mr tessa good morning now my name's donnie
27:57hi donnie hi now this is a multi-platform release so i want a full report on fresh cakes
28:06what in the urinal sir i noticed you always use urinal four so i put fresh cakes in there for
28:12you
28:12you're an important man you should never have to smell pee see most people flip the cakes
28:20i replace the cakes that's the donnie difference
28:26i need a full report on all the placement of our merchandise
28:33i'm afraid i have bad news i won't be able to perform the implantation procedure wait what why not
28:40tammy lynn according to your test results you're no longer fertile what wait doc are you sure about
28:47that i mean maybe you should check again or something you know i'm quite sure tammy lynn because of your
28:53history of excessive drug use your ovarian canal has been somewhat compromised what are you talking
28:59about it looks fine yeah forgive me that's a normal ovary this is tammy lynn's jesus yeah but i bet
29:08this
29:08stuff happens a lot i mean you probably see this kind of stuff all the time right no not once
29:13not ever
29:14when i saw this i threw up almost quit medicine bottom line is insemination is not possible
29:21i don't understand okay i don't none of this makes any sense i mean it's okay it's okay honey
29:26come on let's just go no what does this mean teddy does it mean we can't have a baby i
29:29don't know
29:30but just it's gonna be okay everything's gonna be okay it really isn't
29:46well i've gone through your application and vetted your personal histories
29:50and i'm afraid this isn't gonna work out what why not well first of all there's a question
29:59of tammy lynn's drug conviction hey i did my community service yeah besides that was five
30:04years ago she's clean there's another issue and honestly it's the more serious one i was reluctant
30:11to bring it up because it's a little awkward ted in the eyes of the state you are not a
30:20person
30:21wait what the state official i spoke to said that technically you are classified
30:28as property
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