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00:07Previously on Malcolm and the Mimph
00:15What are you looking at?
00:18Please!
00:20You've been stealing money from the church.
00:33You're going to put your hands inside of Mommy and take out this baby.
00:39And someone actually asked for more of this.
00:44Life is unfair.
00:51I really appreciate the opportunity.
00:53Everyone in my class was after this internship.
00:56I fought tooth and nail for it.
00:57No problem. We are glad to have you.
00:59So, what do you guys do?
01:02Well, we install computer systems in grocery store chains and food manufacturers
01:07to align their inventory software with food banks and shelters all across the country.
01:11So instead of unused food getting dumped, it goes to people who actually need it.
01:16Got it. And what is a food bank?
01:20Maybe watch our video a few more times.
01:27Yeah, I look different.
01:29But hey, everything about me is different.
01:32I'm happy.
01:33I'm successful.
01:34I've learned to work productively with idiots.
01:37My life is fantastic now.
01:40You want to know how I did it?
01:41All I had to do is stay completely away from my family.
01:46Let me go.
02:00You know, I think you are finally beginning to thin out.
02:04These things have lasted for six months.
02:05You know, I can call back later.
02:07Come on, Dewey.
02:07You've seen this like a thousand times.
02:09It's just a normal human body doing normal human behavior.
02:13Undergrowth.
02:16How's the concert tour?
02:18It's fine.
02:19But I'm really sorry I'm not going to make your anniversary party.
02:22I'm sad too, but you cannot turn down a chance to play for royalty.
02:26I mean, what if Carl Gustav wants to give you a knighthood or a sword or something?
02:29Is Jamie going to make it?
02:30I think so.
02:31He put in for relief.
02:32Towel.
02:32Towel.
02:33Towel.
02:35Trauma averted.
02:38Okay, next time.
02:39Hey, Dewey.
02:40Hi, Kelly.
02:41How's school?
02:41Beneath me.
02:42How's Sonia?
02:43Oh, um, it's not Sonia anymore.
02:45It's Elizabeth.
02:46No, Annette.
02:47Anyway, she's good.
02:48We're really connecting.
02:49We're going to go shopping later.
02:51Do them want to come?
02:54Him can't come with we?
02:56Us has homework.
02:57Hey, he's trying.
02:58Don't mock him for it.
02:59I'm not afraid of you.
03:01That's not...
03:01I get good grades.
03:02I help around the house.
03:04I'm your only kid without a file at the police station.
03:06I'm untouchable.
03:07Yeah, well, it wouldn't kill you.
03:09I tell your father you loved him every once in a while.
03:12I love you.
03:13Oh, that just sounds sarcastic.
03:15I love you.
03:17Now you sound annoyed.
03:18Kind of do.
03:19It's your timbre.
03:21I love you.
03:21I love you.
03:22I love you.
03:23The middle one was nice.
03:54So back in college, I completely turned my life around.
03:55They always do this.
03:56They try to guide people for something from what you don't know.
04:00They know exactly how they're going to sell quesadilla.
04:02Quesadilla!
04:03That's it.
04:04That's what he said.
04:05That's what he said.
04:05Quesadilla!
04:06What?
04:12Grandma's television was plasma.
04:13I had to watch two episodes of frickin' Dexter with her, and it was obvious from the rich
04:17D. Blacks.
04:18You're insane.
04:19She bought that TV in 2015.
04:21All right?
04:21Clarity has full array LEDs with the same picture quality for a quarter of the price.
04:26It's not showing off.
04:27It's a completely sensible, mid-price sedan.
04:30Why don't you just admit you're stuck up and shoving your shiny new car in my face to make
04:34me feel bad?
04:34Is this stuck up?
04:36Is this showing off?
04:39Is this me trying to make you feel bad?
04:42It's not them.
04:44It's me.
04:45Being around them.
04:46So I've arranged my life to ensure absolute minimum contact.
04:50My house is a two-layover flight from anyone.
04:52I'm always swamped with work on holidays.
04:55But I also create the illusion of closeness with effusive emails and phone calls and birthday
05:00cards, saying how much I miss them and I can't wait to see them.
05:03It's really important to me not to hurt their feelings, because then they'll make me talk
05:08to them about it face to face.
05:10Welcome to Huge Mart, where our deals are.
05:13I'm telling you the 200-pack of votive candles and 1,000 feet of ruby tassel garland.
05:17Oh, there's gold.
05:18No, 40th anniversary's ruby, not gold.
05:20Get in the game, Hal.
05:22Hey, lovebirds.
05:24I hid your mini-disco balls.
05:26Thank you, Craig.
05:27They're in the clone aisle behind my signature scent.
05:32Which is?
05:33Suave Sauvage, for him.
05:35Already got it.
05:37So, how do you like the new job?
05:39Well, my heart belongs to Lucky Aid, but after they denied my promotion and that mysterious,
05:45untraceable fire, I'm glad I found a new home.
05:48Lois, come quick, it's that famous celebrity you like.
05:57Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:59Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:03Never had much faith in love for miracles.
06:09I never want to put my heart on the line.
06:16But swimming in your water is something spiritual.
06:21Spiritual.
06:23I'm born again every time you spend the night.
06:36Because you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven for too long.
06:49For tomorrow.
06:50Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
06:52Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
06:56Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
06:56Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:58Can I just stay here, spend the rest of my days here?
07:05Cause your sex takes me to paradise.
07:09Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
07:12Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
07:15Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
07:22One, two, three, four, six, six, six!
07:24Three, two!
07:32That's it! Now it's time, Meatball.
07:36Okay, let's take it from the sex part.
07:38Guys, that moment was magical!
07:40Let's not go past it!
07:42It was lovely.
07:43Hell, thank you.
07:44That was just a little weird two weeks before the anniversary.
07:47No. Before or after the party, we agreed.
07:50You can do anything you want as often as you want before or after the actual anniversary day is mine
07:57Do promise under duress? I'll promise anything when you do that thing
08:02How for 39 years of anniversaries and birthdays and really every celebration you you do the most wonderful romantic
08:09amazing grand gestures the fireworks display
08:13Releasing those doves that should have been done outside
08:17And away from the fan and now this once I want to be the one deciding how we celebrate and
08:22not have your plans just
08:25Happen to me
08:28Why don't you play with your friends my life finish up?
08:33She makes it seem like every little romantic gesture I've ever made is crazy
08:39No, no, it won't hurt to let Lois do it exactly the way she wants to for one
08:44Oh, so I just sit back do nothing like I don't even love her. No, no, no not on my
08:48watch. How please?
08:49You're the only one of us still married. Do not break a promise to that woman. I would never
08:55Lois gets her day
08:57But until then every moment of every day I will show her so much love she will run screaming at
09:03the side of me
09:18Nice, right and this isn't even the best thing the best thing the best thing the best thing in the
09:22whole world is who's inside it
09:24my daughter, Leah
09:26She's kind of a trophy. I won in college for attending my first kegger. She hates that joke
09:33Her mother dreamer. Yes, her name is dreamer
09:37Ran off three days after giving birth so single father
09:40But I'm good at it. I just imagine what my parents would do and do the exact opposite. It's not
09:45that hard
09:50I won't make it worse. I won't make it worse
09:56Just so you know, I don't cry like this all the time
09:59I also do depressed apathy
10:03paralyzed embarrassment and impotent fury
10:07It's a rich inner life
10:10Sweetie, what's wrong? Alison Gibb got invited me to her birthday party
10:15Why is that sad you want the list?
10:18Alison and her friends did this as a joke. They know I know they don't want me to go if
10:22I do go
10:23They'll freeze me out until I burst into tears and daddy comes to get me which is what they really
10:27want
10:27I'm completely isolated at school. I've never had any friends and my personality by which I mean your personality
10:35Makes it impossible for me to ever have any
10:39Okay, well, do you want my list you're intelligent you're beautiful
10:43And hard-working and incredibly perceptive and yeah, thanks for that, too
10:47That's how I notice every smirk and slight and microscopic eye roll aimed at me since first grade
10:54Why'd you have to be so gentle with me growing up? I have no armor. Leah look. I am
10:58So sorry you're going through this, but I promise it'll get better. It got so much better for me once
11:04I went off to college
11:05So that's less than a
11:07A decade
11:10It's actually worse when he tries hard
11:15Why'd that make you nervous? What your phone? Why did that call make you nervous? Not nervous?
11:21It was just work and we're talking
11:24Maybe my concern for how upset you are is coming across as nervous and why do you keep it so
11:28hot in here?
11:29I want to be alone now anyway, okay
11:33I'm not gonna smother you
11:34But I'm here for you like always I love you really love you
11:43Love you so much
11:49Malcolm I need you to call me back today about our anniversary
11:52We have to know when you're coming and we know you're coming because you would never be that monstrously inconsiderate
11:57love you
11:59I didn't answer dad's voicemail yesterday, so I knew it would escalate to mom
12:03I heard worth the email
12:04Sorry, I was in emergency meetings till late and I just heard your voicemail
12:07I schedule that to send at 2 16 a.m. That way I look considerate for emailing instead of calling
12:13her back
12:13Trust me. She'll check the time stamp
12:16I have to set up six more food banks this month, but barring a crisis, I'll be there
12:20That's what's great about running a charity anything I say is a crisis is a crisis
12:26for charity
12:29I scored the cut dry fitted twice so now I glue it down perfect this is so easy. I had
12:35no idea
12:35I can't wait to start the gazebo next week. You know reese doing
12:40These projects together every weekend. I love it more than anything me too
12:45I have to confess though that uh
12:48This floor was fine. You don't actually have to
12:53Rotate floor tiles every six months. I know you do
12:58But almost every job we've done the the car the backyard irrigation the washing machine
13:03They didn't need to be done either. It's my favorite thing to do anyway. I'm spending a lot of money
13:08fixing things that don't need fixing
13:12And since this is really just about us spending time together
13:16Maybe we can do jigsaw puzzles
13:18No, I know how to do puzzles
13:20You steal one piece. So you're the only one that can finish it. We have to be building or fixing
13:26things. Whoa, what's what's going on?
13:31Dad have you ever heard of a metaphor?
13:36Yes, reese. We all know my life sucks. I ruined my job
13:42My marriages. I don't really have any friends
13:46That's not the metaphor yet ready
13:49Things like gluing these tiles so they fit together perfectly is a metaphor for me fitting in with people
13:56And these tools are a metaphor for you
13:59And all the things in life you're teaching me
14:03Dad you're a tool a tool to help me build my life back
14:09I will always be your tool
14:15You know what's great about going to a fancy private high school
14:20Nothing it was the same emotional shithole as every other high school
14:26Yeah, hi Allison. Did you get my invitation? It's gonna be really fun. Dad got an aura camera. I did
14:34Thanks great. See you there
14:47Yeah, oh hey cheyenne. I couldn't finish my math homework. Can you show me how to do a slope intercept?
14:53Of course, I don't mind at all. I'm always happy to help. You know, you don't have to panic about
14:57it. I wasn't panicking
15:00Oh
15:01It's just I can see we're even pulling out your hair
15:05I'm not saying you pull out your hair. It's probably just ringworm
15:07And that's easy to fix eight weeks of fungicide pills
15:11Because it's not an actual worm inside your head. It's a fungus
15:16Oh god, what do I do make it seem like I was joking
15:25What is wrong with her i'm really sorry about the whole thing you othered cheyenne in view of the peer
15:33group
15:34Yeah, I knew I was upsetting her and and I was trying to fix it, but I kept making it
15:38worse because right before other girls hurt my feelings
15:40So I I wasn't thinking clearly
15:42I'm not blaming them. They can't help it. Robert Sapolsky has pretty compelling research that endorphin levels actually spike when
15:49members of an in-group exclude or attack members of an out-group
15:52At least with chimpanzees
15:54No
15:57He's on youtube
16:08Once a week he'll stand in the front yard shirtless and flex
16:17Get ready you're gonna see something shocking
16:22Hey, I'm proud of us. We actually got all the way to the bed before you went at it
16:29Tristan my girlfriend. I mean it is so much more than that. She loves me. I know it sounds like
16:36a lie to me, too
16:41How was your day was good we won the grosvenor innovation grant i beat an ai
16:47Dude, you don't have to keep proving how smart you are. I really don't care. Oh, uh, except for my
16:52taxes. That was awesome
16:54So what do you care about?
16:56I care that you always listen to me and that you're supportive
17:00and that you keep your promises
17:03And
17:04Mostly I care that you understand in a deep and complete way who I am
17:11inside
17:13And you love me anyway
17:15And I am so grateful for that
17:18Jesus I thought we were just doing panther
17:23I gotta get on
17:27She's gonna like me right
17:29You're kidding me is gonna love you you're as worried as I am what makes you say that because you
17:34know that if she doesn't like me we can't
17:37Move forward. I mean eventually we'd have to break up, but I have so many plans to prevent that
17:43Mutual interest outings weekly kindness days shared journaling
17:46There's one where you hold on to the end of a yarn ball and you pass it back and forth
17:50to each other
17:50And you keep saying nice things and and you keep throwing it until you guys are both tied up really
17:55tight together in the yarn
17:58I'm betting on us
18:00Look you can make friends with anyone. I've seen it and it's obvious how much we love each other
18:04Leah's gonna see that and she's gonna want to be a part of it. I don't know
18:07When I was her age, I hated myself and everything in my field of vision
18:11So shall I grow it? Can we wait for that?
18:14No, no
18:16It is past time we did this
18:18We're doing it
18:20You're also honest and sincere and sensitive not to mention in bed the way you combine
18:29enthusiasm and startling physical strength with a clear understanding of nuance
18:38Tristan likes green so maybe wear your chinos she went to private school too so you can talk about that
18:43and politics just makes her upset
18:47Movies she can talk about them all day, but she loves rom-com so don't you say anything snotty
18:52You can write this down if you want. I would but my pen is busy doing actual homework. Sweetie
18:57So when do I yell I want my real mommy and run out in tears?
19:01I'll surprise you. Please this is important to me dad. I get it
19:05It's your only chance for love and I have complete control over your future happiness
19:11Every parenting book says I shouldn't let you believe that
19:19Kelly, where are you? What can I do? Are you okay? What's the matter?
19:22But I have to make up a lie to get my own brother to answer the phone
19:25You have to promise me you'll come to mom and dad's anniversary. Kelly, I'm trying. Hey, listen to me
19:30All they talk about is whether or not you'll be there
19:32They're old Malcolm. They could die any second
19:35Decapitated in a car wreck
19:37Slowly choking to death on a respirator from some lingering illness
19:41Stabbed over and over by some drifter they took in clock is ticking busy boy
19:45You can do this for them. I am doing everything I can to be there
19:48But my charity just has me so busy all the time
19:50So you can figure out all this advanced infrastructure for hundreds of charities and corporations
19:54But even after six months notice, you can't plan half a day off
19:58Wow, that's almost mom level
20:01Okay, at their age, they're a little self-righteous simultaneously overconfident and insecure
20:07Validate their intentions and blow some smoke
20:09Look, I am glad that you see how important this is for mom and dad. They are lucky to have
20:13you looking out for them
20:14Other kids your age aren't half as perceptive
20:17What? I'm on the phone
20:19Okay
20:21I am so sorry, but I do have to get back to work, but don't worry. I'm sure I can
20:25be there. Love you
20:26Hey Linda, can you print me that report?
20:29With that one you got to get in and out before they can think too much
20:32How do you not allow glitter? You're a party venue. I just want a couple of handfuls for people to
20:38toss during our spotlight dance
20:40Okay, so no letter did our monogrammed cocktail stirs with the little hearts did they come in?
20:47No, no, they come with the radiant elegance package
20:52The radiant mystique elegance package how much does that cost?
21:00Okay
21:00Okay, let's do it such nonsense
21:04I'm sorry to be taking all the attention away from your 40th birthday mom. I'm a 39. I was born
21:10on your first anniversary. Not your wedding day
21:1439
21:16Of course you are. Hey, how are you guys enjoying the new guest suite the garage?
21:21Yeah, once we unpacked the bag stomped a few spiders got the plastic tarp off the bed
21:26It was real homey me and dad did all the renovations your brother's become quite the handyman. Well, it is
21:31great
21:32A heads up the toilet wasn't connected would have been cool. You know, we could afford a motel
21:37Absolutely not. We love having you here besides you got to save up some money until you get a solid
21:42job mom
21:42I've been there 15 years. I'm senior management. I have 75 people under me. That's 75 people plotting to replace
21:49you
21:50And you need to retie your bows. They need to be droopy. They droop. They need to droop languidly
21:57Look at your father's your knots are too crisp
22:00Use baby hands. Why don't you criticize his bows? Those aren't languid. They're turgid. Dad likes me better than you
22:06now
22:07Did you ever talk to mouth them? No, we keep trading emails back and forth. I know he's doing good
22:12things
22:12But he is gonna work himself to death. I just got off the phone with him
22:17He's not coming
22:24Okay, we can do this it's gonna be great
22:26Love you. Love you. Do you need to pee? No. Yes. No, no
22:34Leah we're here
22:37Leah this is Tristan
22:42Hi
22:43Hi, Leah
22:51Good we're easing in slowly. There's no rush
22:58So how much did he prep you
23:06When you were four you tried to scare miss rachel into canceling preschool by saying her mold didn't look right
23:14You have to twist your hamburger bun exactly three times so the condiments smear evenly
23:21You refuse an award from the state young sciences challenge because you thought it would make you a famous nerd
23:26You love being a physical therapist, but you are grossed out when you have to touch old people
23:32You fly into a spitting rage if you do wordle in three
23:36Sometimes when you stand up too fast you fart and I have to ignore
23:40I do you don't
23:45I don't know
24:06I've never been so happy to be humiliated in my life.
24:09It always does.
24:10This could be my family, my last checkbox.
24:13This is amazing.
24:14Malcolm, we are not doing this by email or text or over the phone or by Zoom.
24:19We are going to talk about it.
24:21No matter what you have to arrange, you are going to be at our anniversary with the rest of the
24:25family.
24:26Dad?
24:32You have a daughter?
24:34She's alive?
24:38What's happening?
24:44You made me do this!
24:46Malcolm, this family's non-stop anti-social behavior and mindless belligerence and myopic priorities are toxic to me!
24:53Every single bad thing that happened to my life is your fault!
24:57Getting away from you is how I finally stopped being such an asshole!
25:01Wait, so your biggest problem is that we exist?
25:16Who are you?
25:17I don't know.
25:19How could you do this to your family?
25:21No, stop!
25:23You insisted on barging in on my home, okay?
25:26Without an invitation.
25:27So you can at least give me the courtesy to explain myself.
25:30Please, sit down.
25:37God bless you, Lord.
25:37Come here.
25:51How could you do this?
25:55How could you do this to me?
25:58How could you do this?
25:58How could you do this to me?
25:59How could you do this to me?
26:23I don't know, can you repeat the question?
26:29You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
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