#video #Malcolm In The Middle Life's Still Unfair S01E01-2 (2026)
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00:07What are you looking at?
00:09Please!
00:12It's stealing money from the church!
00:23You're going to put your hands inside of mommy and take out this baby!
00:29And someone actually asked for more of this.
00:33I really appreciate the opportunity. Everyone in my class was after this internship.
00:38I fought tooth and nail fork.
00:39No problem. We are glad to have you.
00:41So, what do you guys do?
00:44Well, we install computer systems in grocery store chains and food manufacturers
00:49to align their inventory software with food banks and shelters all across the country.
00:53So instead of unused food getting dumped, it goes to people who actually need it.
00:57Got it. And what is a food bank?
01:01Maybe watch our video a few more times.
01:08Yeah, I look different. But hey, everything about me is different.
01:12I'm happy. I'm successful. I've learned to work productively with idiots.
01:17My life is fantastic now.
01:20You want to know how I did it?
01:22All I had to do is stay completely away from my family.
01:26Let me go!
01:39You know, I think you are finally beginning to thin out.
01:43These things have lasted for six months.
01:44You know, I can call back later.
01:45Come on, Dewey. You've seen this like a thousand times.
01:48It's just a normal human body doing normal human behavior.
01:52Undergrowth.
01:54How's the concert tour?
01:56It's fine. But I'm really sorry I'm not going to make your anniversary party.
02:00I'm sad too, but you cannot turn down a chance to play for royalty.
02:03I mean, what if Carl Gustav wants to give you a knighthood or a sword or something?
02:07Is Jamie going to make it?
02:08I think so. He put in for relief.
02:09Towel! Towel! Towel!
02:13Trauma averted. Thank you.
02:16Hey, Dewey.
02:17Hi, Kelly. How's school?
02:18Beneath me. How's Sonia?
02:20Oh, it's not Sonia anymore. It's Lisbon.
02:23No, Annette. Anyway, she's good. We're really connecting.
02:26We're going to go shopping later. Do them want to come?
02:31Him can't come with we. Us has homework.
02:34Hey, he's trying. Don't mock him for it.
02:35I'm not afraid of you.
02:37That's not...
02:37I get good grades. I help around the house.
02:39I'm your only kid without a file at the police station. I'm untouchable.
02:43Yeah, well, it wouldn't kill you to tell your father you loved him every once in a while.
02:48I love you.
02:49Well, that just sounds sarcastic.
02:51I love you.
02:52Now you sound annoyed.
02:53What can I do? It's your timbre.
02:56I love you. I love you. I love you.
02:58The middle one was nice. Thank you.
03:03So back in college, I completely turned my life around.
03:06Because I realized the less contact I have with my family, the less I act like a sociopath.
03:12I've become more patient, less angry, way more mature.
03:16Anytime I am around them, it takes me like two seconds to revert.
03:20For crying out loud, I speak fluent Spanish.
03:23I know how to say quesadilla.
03:24Oh, it sounded like you said cusadilla.
03:26Oh, no.
03:26You're like, quesadilla.
03:29Siempre hacen esto.
03:30Intenta con le guía a las personas por algo de lo que no sabes nada.
03:33Say exactamente cómo van a enseñar quesadilla.
03:36Quesadilla.
03:37That's it.
03:37That's it.
03:44Grandma's television was plasma.
03:46I had to watch two episodes of frickin' Dexter with her.
03:48And it was obvious from the rich, deep black.
03:50You're insane.
03:51She bought that TV in 2015.
03:53All right?
03:53They already had full array LEDs with the same picture quality for a quarter of the price.
03:58It's not showing off.
03:59It's a completely sensible mid-price sedan.
04:02Why don't you just admit you're stuck up and shoving your shiny new car in my face to make me
04:06feel bad.
04:06Is this stuck up?
04:08Is this showing off?
04:10Is this me trying to make you feel bad?
04:14It's not them.
04:15It's me.
04:16Being around them.
04:17So I've arranged my life to ensure absolute minimum contact.
04:21My house is a two-layover flight from anyone.
04:23I'm always swamped with work on holidays.
04:25But I also create the illusion of closeness with effusive emails and phone calls and birthday cards,
04:31seeing how much I miss them and I can't wait to see them.
04:34It's really important to me not to hurt their feelings.
04:37Because then they'll make me talk to them about it face to face.
04:40Welcome to Huge Mart, where our deals are.
04:43You still need a 200 pack of votive candles and a thousand feet of ruby tassel garland.
04:47Oh, there's gold.
04:48No, 40th anniversary's ruby, not gold.
04:50Get in the game, Hal.
04:51Hey, lovebirds.
04:53I hid your mini disco balls.
04:56Thank you, Craig.
04:56They're in the clone aisle behind my signature scent.
05:01Which is?
05:02Suave Sauvage, for him.
05:04Already got it.
05:06So, how do you like the new job?
05:08Well, my heart belongs to Loggiade, but after they denied my promotion in that mysterious, untraceable fire,
05:14I'm glad I found a new home.
05:16Lois!
05:17Come quick!
05:17It's that famous celebrity you like!
05:20It's the T-Dub Street.
05:21My Amsterdam Street.
05:22Oh, no!
05:22Shh!
05:23I know.
05:25Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:26Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:30Huh!
05:31Never had much faith and love for miracles.
05:35Miracles!
05:37Never wanna put my heart on the line.
05:42Huh!
05:43But swimming in your water is something spiritual.
05:48Spiritual!
05:49Huh!
05:50Huh!
05:50I'm mourning every time you spend the night.
05:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:55Huh!
05:55Cause your sex takes me to paradise and it shows.
06:02Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:04Cause you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven.
06:11For too long.
06:14For too long.
06:18Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
06:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:24Can I just stay here?
06:26Spend the rest of my days here?
06:30Cause your sex takes me to paradise.
06:33Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:36Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:40Cause your sex takes me to paradise.
06:43Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:46Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:55That's it.
06:56Now it's my meatball.
06:59Okay, let's take it from the sex part.
07:01Guys, the moment was magical.
07:03Let's not go past it.
07:04It was lovely.
07:06Hell, thank you.
07:07It was just a little weird two weeks before the anniversary.
07:09No!
07:10Before or after the party.
07:12We agreed.
07:13You can do anything you want, as often as you want, before or after.
07:17The actual anniversary day is mine.
07:19You promise.
07:19Under duress, I'll promise anything when you do that thing.
07:24Hal, for 39 years of anniversaries and birthdays and really every celebration,
07:29you do the most wonderful, romantic, amazing grand gestures.
07:33The fireworks display?
07:34Oh, yeah.
07:35Releasing those doves?
07:36That should have been done outside and away from the fam.
07:39And now this once, I want to be the one deciding how we celebrate
07:43and not have your plans just happen to me.
07:49Why don't you play with your friends while I finish up?
07:53She makes it seem like every little romantic gesture I've ever made is crazy.
07:59No, no.
08:00It won't hurt to let Lois do it exactly the way she wants to for one.
08:04Oh, so I just sit back, do nothing like I don't even love her?
08:06No, no, no.
08:07Not on my watch.
08:08Hal, please.
08:09You're the only one of us still married.
08:10Do not break a promise to that woman.
08:12I would never.
08:14Lois gets her day.
08:16But until then, every moment of every day, I will show her so much love,
08:20she will run screaming at the side of me.
08:36Nice, right?
08:37And this isn't even the best thing.
08:38The best thing.
08:39The best thing in the whole world is who's inside it.
08:42My daughter, Leah.
08:44She's kind of a trophy I won in college for attending my first kegger.
08:47She hates that joke.
08:50Her mother, Dreamer.
08:52Yes, her name is Dreamer.
08:54Ran off three days after giving birth, so single father.
08:57But I'm good at it.
08:59I just imagine what my parents would do and do the exact opposite.
09:02It's not that hard.
09:07I won't make it worse.
09:08I won't make it worse.
09:12Just so you know, I don't cry like this all the time.
09:16I also do depressed apathy, paralyzed embarrassment, and impotent fury.
09:23It's a rich inner life.
09:26Sweetie, what's wrong?
09:27Alice and Gibb got invited me to her birthday party.
09:31Why is that sad?
09:32You want the list?
09:33Allison and her friends did this as a joke.
09:36They know I know they don't want me to go.
09:37If I do go, they'll freeze me out until I burst into tears and Daddy comes to get me,
09:41which is what they really want.
09:42I'm completely isolated at school.
09:45I've never had any friends.
09:46And my personality, by which I mean your personality,
09:49makes it impossible for me to ever have any.
09:53Okay, well, do you want my list?
09:56You're intelligent.
09:57You're beautiful and hardworking and incredibly perceptive.
10:00Yeah, thanks for that, too.
10:01That's how I notice every smirk and slight and microscopic eye roll aimed at me since first grade.
10:07Why'd you have to be so gentle with me growing up?
10:09I have no armor!
10:10Leah, look, I am so sorry you're going through this,
10:13but I promise it'll get better.
10:15It got so much better for me once I went off to college,
10:18so that's less than a...
10:20a decade.
10:23It's actually worse when he tries hard.
10:28Why'd that make you nervous?
10:29What?
10:30Your phone.
10:31Why did that call make you nervous?
10:32I'm not nervous.
10:33It was just work and we're talking.
10:36Maybe my concern for how upset you are is coming across as nervous.
10:39And why do you keep it so hot in here?
10:41I want to be alone now, anyway.
10:43Okay.
10:44I'm not going to smother you.
10:46But I'm here for you.
10:47Like always.
10:49I love you.
10:50Really love you.
10:54Love you so much.
11:00Malcolm, I need you to call me back today about our anniversary.
11:03We have to know when you're coming.
11:04And we know you're coming.
11:05Because you would never be that monstrously inconsiderate.
11:08Love you.
11:10I didn't answer Dad's voicemail yesterday,
11:12so I knew it would escalate to Mom.
11:14I heard her up the email.
11:15Sorry, I was in emergency meetings till late,
11:16and I just heard your voicemail.
11:18I schedule that to send at 2.16 a.m.
11:20That way I look considerate for emailing instead of calling her back.
11:23Trust me, she'll check the timestamp.
11:26I have to set up six more food banks this month,
11:28but barring a crisis, I'll be there.
11:30That's what's great about running a charity.
11:33Anything I say is a crisis, is a crisis.
11:35For charity.
11:38I scored the cut and dry-fitted twice,
11:40so now I go it down.
11:42Perfect.
11:42This is so easy, I had no idea.
11:44I can't wait to start the gazebo next week.
11:46You know, Reese, doing these projects together every weekend,
11:51I love it more than anything.
11:52Me too.
11:54I have to confess, though, that this floor was fine.
11:58I mean, you don't actually have to rotate floor tiles every six months.
12:03I know.
12:04You do?
12:06But almost every job we've done, the car, the backyard irrigation, the washing machine,
12:11they didn't need to be done either.
12:12It's my favorite thing to do anyway.
12:13I'm spending a lot of money fixing things that don't need fixing.
12:19And since this is really just about us spending time together,
12:23maybe we can do jigsaw puzzles.
12:25No!
12:25I know how to do puzzles.
12:27You steal one piece, so you're the only one that can finish it.
12:30We have to be building or fixing things.
12:32John, whoa, what's going on?
12:36Dad, have you ever heard of a metaphor?
12:42Yes, Reese.
12:44We all know my life sucks.
12:45I ruin my job, my marriages.
12:49I don't really have any friends.
12:52That's not the metaphor yet.
12:53Ready?
12:54Things like gluing these tiles so they fit together perfectly
12:57is a metaphor for me fitting in with people.
13:01And these tools are a metaphor for you
13:04and all the things in life you're teaching me.
13:07Dad, you're a tool.
13:09A tool to help me build my life back.
13:14I will always be your tool.
13:19You know what's great about going to a fancy private high school?
13:24Nothing.
13:25It is the same emotional shithole as every other high school.
13:30Leah!
13:31Hi, Allison.
13:32Did you get my invitation?
13:33It's going to be really fun.
13:34Dad got an aura camera.
13:36I did.
13:37Thanks.
13:37Great.
13:38See you there.
13:49Leah?
13:50Oh, hey, Cheyenne.
13:51I couldn't finish my math homework.
13:53Can you show me how to do a slope intercept?
13:55Of course.
13:56I don't mind at all.
13:57I'm always happy to help.
13:58You know, you don't have to panic about it.
14:00I wasn't panicking.
14:02Oh.
14:03It's just, I can see where you've been pulling out your hair.
14:06I'm not saying you pull out your hair.
14:08It's probably just ringworm.
14:09And that's easy to fix.
14:10Eight weeks of fungicide pills.
14:12Because it's not an actual worm inside your head.
14:14It's a fungus.
14:18Oh, God.
14:18What do I do?
14:19Make it seem like I was joking?
14:21I'm sorry.
14:21All right.
14:22Leah!
14:24Stop it.
14:26Come on.
14:27Please go.
14:28What is wrong with her?
14:29I'm really sorry about the whole thing.
14:31You othered Cheyenne in view of the peer group.
14:34Yeah, I knew I was upsetting her, and I was trying to fix it, but I kept making it worse
14:38because right before, other girls hurt my feelings, so I wasn't thinking clearly.
14:42I'm not blaming them.
14:44They can't help it.
14:45Robert Sapolsky has pretty compelling research that endorphin levels actually spike when members
14:48of an in-group exclude or attack members of an out-group.
14:51At least with chimpanzees.
14:56He's on YouTube.
15:07Once a week, he'll stand in the front yard, shirtless and flex.
15:15Get ready.
15:16You're going to see something shocking.
15:20Hey!
15:20I'm proud of us.
15:22We actually got all the way to the bed before you went at it.
15:27Tristan, my girlfriend.
15:29I mean, it is so much more than that.
15:31She loves me.
15:33I know.
15:33It sounds like a lie to me, too.
15:36Now?
15:38How was your day?
15:39It was good.
15:40We won the Grosvenor Innovation Grant.
15:42I beat an AI.
15:43Dude, you don't have to keep proving how smart you are.
15:46I really don't care.
15:47Oh, except for my taxes.
15:49That was awesome.
15:50So what do you care about?
15:52I care that you always listen to me, and that you're supportive, and that you keep your
15:57promises.
16:00And mostly I care that you understand, in a deep and complete way, who I am inside.
16:08And you love me anyway.
16:10And I am so grateful for that.
16:14Jesus, I thought we were just doing banter.
16:18I gotta get on.
16:22She's gonna like me.
16:24Right?
16:24Are you kidding?
16:25Leah's gonna love you.
16:26You're as worried as I am.
16:27What makes you say that?
16:28Because you know that if she doesn't like me, we can't move forward.
16:33I mean, eventually we'd have to break up.
16:35But I have so many plans to prevent that.
16:37Mutual interest outings, weekly kindness days, shared journaling.
16:40There's one where you hold on to the end of a yarn ball, and you pass it back and forth
16:44to each other, and you keep saying nice things, and you keep throwing it until you guys are
16:47both tied up really tight together in the yarn.
16:51I'm betting on us.
16:53Look, you can make friends with anyone.
16:55I've seen it.
16:56And it's obvious how much we love each other.
16:57Leah's gonna see that, and she's gonna want to be a part of it.
16:59I don't know.
17:00When I was her age, I hated myself and everything in my field of vision.
17:04So shall I grow it?
17:05Can we wait for that?
17:07No.
17:07No.
17:08It is past time we did this.
17:10We're doing it.
17:11Okay.
17:13You're also honest and sincere and sensitive, not to mention, in bed, the way you combine
17:22enthusiasm and startling physical strength with a clear understanding of nuance.
17:28Yeah.
17:30Tristan likes screens, so maybe wear your chinos.
17:32She went to private school, too, so you can talk about that.
17:35And politics just makes her upset.
17:38Movies.
17:38She can talk about them all day.
17:40But she loves rom-coms, so don't you say anything snotty.
17:43You can write this down if you want.
17:44I would, but my pen is busy doing actual homework.
17:47Sweetie.
17:48So when do I yell, I want my real mommy, and run out in tears?
17:51I'll surprise you.
17:52Please.
17:53This is important to me.
17:54Dad, I get it.
17:55It's your only chance for love, and I have complete control over your future happiness.
18:01Every parenting book says I shouldn't let you believe that.
18:08Kelly, where are you?
18:10What can I do?
18:10Are you okay?
18:11What's the matter?
18:11That I have to make up a lie to get my own brother to answer the phone.
18:14You have to promise me you'll come to mom and dad's anniversary.
18:17Kelly, I'm trying.
18:18Hey, listen to me.
18:19All they talk about is whether or not you'll be there.
18:21They're old, Malcolm.
18:23They could die any second.
18:24Decapitated in a car wreck.
18:26Slowly choking to death on a respirator from some lingering illness.
18:30Stabbed over and over by some drifter they took in.
18:32Clock is ticking, busy boy.
18:33You can do this for them.
18:34I am doing everything I can to be there, but my charity just has me so busy all the time.
18:38So you can figure out all this advanced infrastructure for hundreds of charities and corporations, but even after six months'
18:44notice, you can't plan half a day off?
18:46Wow.
18:47That's almost mom level.
18:48Okay.
18:49At their age, they're a little self-righteous, simultaneously overconfident, and insecure.
18:54Validate their intentions and blow some smoke.
18:56Look, I am glad that you see how important this is for mom and dad.
18:59They are lucky to have you looking out for them.
19:01Other kids your age aren't half as perceptive.
19:04What?
19:05I'm on the phone.
19:06Okay.
19:07Look, I am so sorry, but I do have to get back to work.
19:10But don't worry.
19:11I'm sure I can be there.
19:12Love you.
19:12Hey, Linda, can you print me that report?
19:15With that one, you've got to get in and out before they can think too much.
19:19How do you not allow glitter?
19:20You're a party venue.
19:21I just want a couple of handfuls for people to toss during our spotlight dance.
19:26Okay, so no glitter.
19:29Did our monogrammed cocktail stirs with little hearts, did they come in?
19:33No, no.
19:34They come with the Radiant Elegance Package.
19:38The Radiant Mystique Elegance Package?
19:40How much does that cost?
19:45Okay, let's do it.
19:47Such nonsense.
19:48I'm sorry to be taking all the attention away from your 40th birthday.
19:52Mom, I'm a 39.
19:53I was born on your first anniversary, not your wedding day.
19:5839?
20:01Of course you are.
20:02Hey, how are you guys enjoying the new guest suite?
20:04The garage?
20:05Yeah, once we unpacked the bag, stomped a few spiders, got the plastic tarp off the bed.
20:10It was real homey.
20:11Me and Dad did all the renovations.
20:12Your brother's become quite the handyman.
20:14Well, it is great.
20:15A heads up, the toilet wasn't connected.
20:17That would have been cool.
20:18You know, we could afford a motel.
20:20Absolutely not.
20:21We love having you here.
20:22Besides, you've got to save up some money until you get a solid job.
20:25Mom, I've been there 15 years.
20:27I'm senior management.
20:28I have 75 people under me.
20:30That's 75 people plotting to replace you.
20:33And you need to retie your bows.
20:34They need to be droopy.
20:36They droop?
20:36They need to droop languidly.
20:39Look at your father's.
20:40Your knots are too crisp.
20:42Use baby hands.
20:43Why don't you criticize his bows?
20:44Those aren't languid.
20:45They're turgid.
20:46Dad likes me better than you now.
20:48Did you ever talk to Malcolm?
20:50No.
20:50We keep trading emails back and forth.
20:52I know he's doing good things, but he is going to work himself to death.
20:55I just got off the phone with him.
20:58He's not coming.
21:05Okay, we can do this.
21:06It's going to be great.
21:07Love you.
21:08Love you.
21:08Do you need to pee?
21:09No.
21:09Yes.
21:09No.
21:11You got the link.
21:12No, I'm sorry.
21:14Leah, we're here.
21:18Leah, this is Tristan.
21:22Hi.
21:24Hi, Leah.
21:30Good.
21:31We're easing in slowly.
21:33There's no rush.
21:37So, how much did he prep you?
21:45When you were four, you tried to scare Miss Rachel into canceling preschool by saying her
21:48mold didn't look right.
21:52You have to twist your hamburger bun exactly three times so the condiments smear evenly.
21:59You refused an award from the State Young Scientist Challenge because you thought it would make
22:03you a famous nerd.
22:04You love being a physical therapist, but you are grossed out when you have to touch old
22:08people.
22:09You fly into a spitting rage if you do Wordle in three.
22:12I do.
22:14Sometimes when you stand up too fast, you fart, and I have to ignore.
22:18I do.
22:19You don't.
22:21Now, him.
22:22Has he ever told you about his reluctant move in the politics?
22:26Oh, my gosh.
22:27No, one time I found a notepad where he wrote assemblyman, congressman, lieutenant governor.
22:33And the thing with the aftershade.
22:39Why?
22:40I don't know.
22:42I've never been so happy to be humiliated in my life.
22:45It always does.
22:45This could be my family.
22:47My last checkbox.
22:48This is amazing.
22:49Malcolm, we are not doing this by email or text or over the phone or by Zoom.
22:54We are going to talk about it.
22:56No matter what you have to arrange, you are going to be at our anniversary with the rest
23:00of the family.
23:01Dad?
23:07You have a daughter?
23:09She's alive?
23:13What's happening?
23:18You made me do this!
23:20Malcolm, this family's non-stop antisocial behavior and mindless belligerence and myopic priorities
23:25are toxic to me!
23:27Every single bad thing that happened to my life is your fault!
23:30Getting away from you is how I finally stopped being such an asshole!
23:35Wait, so your biggest problem is that we exist?
23:48How are you?
23:49I don't know.
23:51How could you do this to your family?
23:54No, stop.
23:55You insisted on barging in on my home, okay?
23:58Without an invitation.
23:59So you can at least give me the courtesy to explain myself.
24:02Please, sit down.
24:08Oh, my God.
24:15Oh, my God.
24:17Oh, my God.
24:24I don't know.
25:16I don't know.
25:19It's been a few months.
25:20Look, I was just thinking about you.
25:22I figured I'd give you a call.
25:23How's little Max?
25:24How's Glenn?
25:25Cute.
25:28Needy.
25:29Great.
25:29Great.
25:30I love the pictures you sent.
25:32Yeah, you know, Max is...
25:33What's wrong?
25:33Everything!
25:34Mom and Dad and Leah and Tristan all found out at the same time in person.
25:37You have to help me come up with a smart enough lie to cover up the years of lies I
25:41already
25:41told them.
25:42I mean, it's got to be brilliant.
25:43I told you this would happen.
25:51You did.
25:52You did.
25:53What do I do now?
25:54Do you mind?
25:56Seriously, what do I do?
25:58Confess.
26:00Apologize.
26:02Make it right.
26:03Stevie, quit clowning around.
26:04They already know there's nothing to confess.
26:06It's Mom.
26:06She sees apologies as permission to become more enraged.
26:09I've misled them for over a decade.
26:11How do I make that right?
26:13Malcolm?
26:14Can he call you back?
26:15It's his turn for story time and we need to finish before midnight.
26:19Okay.
26:20Thanks anyway.
26:22Sorry, man.
26:25You're in a wheelchair and I'm needy.
26:30It's just not fair.
26:32Oh my God, what happened?
26:33What did I do?
26:34What did we do?
26:35We have just had the worst 24 hours of our life.
26:38We just found out.
26:39Guess who's going to be a grandma?
26:42Isn't it amazing?
26:43We've been trying for so long.
26:46Years and years of constant sex and all these weird mommy blog positions.
26:50And it finally happened.
26:51Get your piece to God in my face.
26:53Seriously?
26:54You can't even be happy for me about this?
26:56What are you trying?
26:58Who's ready for re-caulking day?
27:01I put this on your credit card.
27:03What?
27:03We just found out that Malcolm has been intentionally hiding himself from this family for years and
27:08covering it up with lies.
27:10He has a teenage daughter.
27:12A secret teenage daughter.
27:15I still think my thing's pretty important.
27:18Dad, I am so sorry.
27:21I think we all knew Malcolm would eventually betray us.
27:24That's what Harvard does to people.
27:26Or any college, really.
27:28Oh, that reminds me.
27:30Ow!
27:31Ow!
27:32Ow!
27:32Ow!
27:33Ow!
27:33What are you doing?
27:35Dad is out there emotionally destroyed.
27:37I have to trash Malcolm as much as I can before he snaps out of it.
27:39How stupid are you?
27:41You mean like professionally measured?
27:42Just because mom and dad aren't on social media, you thought nobody else would find it?
27:46What?
27:47eBay?
27:47They already know I sell my underwear to pervs.
27:49What about Professor Dum-Dum?
27:54Shall we peruse greatest hits?
28:12These numerals aren't just more efficient.
28:15They are so much quieter.rimatic.
28:18Baby, make me change, baby!
28:20What are you spumbling?
28:21Oh, oh, oh, oh!
28:25Freeze! Just unplug it!
28:28Just unplug it!
28:31Freeze!
28:33Freeze!
28:4068 videos, millions of views.
28:43How much money have you made publicly humiliating Dad?
28:45Including merch?
28:46Merch?
28:47Are you gonna snitch?
28:48Hell yes, I'm gonna snitch.
28:50Okay, what do you want?
28:52To snitch.
28:53No, what do you want from me?
28:54To be there when I snitch.
28:56Kelly, you don't want to do that. Dad is too upset. He couldn't take it.
28:58I know that! God, this is so frustrating. It felt so good ratting Malcolm out.
29:03It was like, I found my calling. I'm an informer.
29:08It's like being a whistleblower but mean.
29:10And turning you in was going to be...
29:14Now I have to wait to spill my guts.
29:17But it's coming.
29:24What did you see?
29:26Everything!
29:31Oh my God! What happened?
29:33He just fell down for no reason.
29:35Oh, people do that all the time.
29:36Help!
29:37Help!
29:39Help me get him into bed!
29:40He won't!
29:42Everyone!
29:42I'm rolling!
29:45Oh!
29:45Oh!
29:46Oh my God!
29:48Oh!
29:49Oh!
29:49Oh!
29:49Okay, what do we do?
29:53Just roll him!
29:54This way!
29:54Roll him!
29:55Use your legs!
29:55Oh!
29:59Oh!
30:03Oh!
30:12I named him Cookie.
30:14Dad, seriously?
30:16I can take Mom being crazy, but that's only because you're not.
30:20I'm so sorry.
30:22I promise I'll never do anything like that again.
30:25And don't call your mom crazy.
30:27She just has a lot of problems.
30:29Primarily being crazy.
30:31So, anything else you've been, I don't know, lying to me about since I was born?
30:35Leah.
30:36No!
30:36My self-image is already screwed up.
30:38And now, I'm part of a family I know nothing about.
30:42I mean, are they murderers?
30:43Or geologists?
30:44Or have Tay-Sachs?
30:45Or Klinefilter syndrome?
30:46Or enjoy reading?
30:47Or have characteristic body language?
30:49Or they're athletic?
30:50Or super tasters?
30:51I should know all of that.
30:53There's no geologists.
30:58I think Tristan is amazing.
31:00She is.
31:02Oh my God, she must be so mad at me.
31:04Yeah, she told Grandma and Grandpa.
31:07I was not ready to hear you call them that.
31:09They really seemed okay.
31:10I don't understand why you can't be around them.
31:13I think yesterday you saw a pretty convincing demonstration.
31:16I have hay in my crack.
31:17I cannot go back to how I was before.
31:19And I'm not gonna risk you.
31:21You are perfect.
31:23I want you to stay perfect.
31:27Okay, that's just fighting dirty.
31:29You have to think of it like they're the full moon and we're werewolves.
31:33It doesn't matter.
31:33Your cover is blown and Grandma doesn't seem the type to just let things go.
31:38Look, I need time to figure this out.
31:39You need to promise me that if she contacts you, you will not respond until you talk to me first,
31:43okay?
31:44Okay.
31:44No, you need to promise.
31:45Calm down.
31:46I promise.
31:49I need to get some sleep.
31:51I'm still mad at you.
31:52You'll still be mad when I wake up.
31:53I believe in you.
32:16How could Malcolm abuse my trust this way?
32:19I'm so mad at him for betraying me.
32:23You know, by comparison, Reese looks pretty good.
32:27Sure, he's impetuous.
32:28But that rascal has a heart of gold.
32:31He's still my favorite.
32:36What's that?
32:38It's the 33rd of 40 love letters your father wrote me for our anniversary.
32:42Two pages each.
32:43Front and back.
32:44Not a single repeat.
32:46Listen, I have to talk to you.
32:49I was so excited to tell you about the baby.
32:52We tried so hard for so long, and when it finally happened, all I wanted to do was tell you.
32:58You didn't even say congratulations.
33:01You're right.
33:03I'm sorry.
33:05Congratulations.
33:07Never said I was perfect.
33:08Yes, you have.
33:09Well, I didn't mean it.
33:11Look, I will admit, there is a part of me, a part I do not like, that feels like you
33:16intentionally waited until this exact moment to get pregnant,
33:18just to make it harder for me to deal with all these other problems.
33:21That is crazy.
33:23Honestly, your whole life has been like you purposely planned every moment, good or bad, to happen at the worst
33:29possible time.
33:30That's not fair.
33:30It's always totally random.
33:32I know.
33:32I hurt your feelings, and I feel bad about it.
33:35And I promise, I am going to be happy about this very soon.
33:37I'm going to be overjoyed.
33:39Just not right.
33:40I have too many other priorities right now.
33:43You and the baby are number eight.
33:45That is so insults-
33:47Wait.
33:48You have a list?
33:49With numbers?
33:51Yes.
33:53How do you think I manage?
33:55I have to rank everything according to how bad and how soon.
34:00Anniversary party is number one.
34:02Number two is our brand new, already born granddaughter.
34:05I mean, she has been thrown into this circus with no preparation.
34:08We have to make it as comfortable as we can for that child.
34:11Your father is a close number three.
34:12Leah has the edge, because she's younger.
34:14But he is in a complete meltdown.
34:16Number four is making Reese pay for what he did.
34:20Number five is figuring out a way to get Malcolm back into this family.
34:23Number six is making him pay for what he did.
34:26Number seven is trying to keep myself from draining our life savings to pay for this party.
34:32So you are number eight.
34:37When she puts it that way, I really can't argue with her.
34:39Are you kidding me?
34:40We're one slot above try oat milk.
34:42I know.
34:43Sucks to feel like you don't matter.
34:46I promise I'll never do that to our kid.
34:48As long as they don't piss me off too much.
34:52You are an incredibly smart, sexy mama.
35:10Do you care?
35:13I like the breeze.
35:20Hey, Leah.
35:21Hi, Allison.
35:23See you at pizza.
35:24What pizza?
35:26Oh, oh my god.
35:27I'm so sorry.
35:28Forget I said that.
35:29I don't know what you're talking about.
35:31Joni's doing pizza after the social studies final.
35:36I thought everyone was invited.
35:39You really didn't.
35:40And why do you take such delight in humiliating someone who shouldn't even be on your radar?
35:47Wow.
35:48You really are cool.
36:00Morning.
36:01Is it morning?
36:04Oh, sweetie.
36:08Did you know that there's a South American slug that, after mating, the eggs are deposited
36:15in the father?
36:17And over the next three months, the children slowly eat their way out of their loving father
36:26until he's an empty husk that blows away in the wind.
36:30I'm just waiting for the wind, Lois.
36:35You know, we could just let it go.
36:40For a little while.
36:48I'm sorry, Mr. Plummer.
36:52I don't have enough money to pay your great big bill.
36:59There must be some way I can satisfy you.
37:04Only office can put you on a payment plan.
37:09Did you just turn down sex?
37:13I guess I did.
37:14Hell.
37:15Hell, we don't turn down sex.
37:18No, no, no.
37:18We've done it in weddings and funerals and petting zoos.
37:23Harold, sex is our love language.
37:26I know, I know. I'm sorry, honey, but...
37:29Can I at least give you a hug?
37:33Not physically.
37:44Hey, it's Tristan. Let her rip.
37:46Hey, Tristan. It's me again.
37:48Look, I realize that you haven't returned my calls the last couple of days
37:51because my messages were apologies without an explanation,
37:54which I also apologize for.
37:57So here it is.
37:59I've been seeing a therapist the last month or so.
38:01She put me on this antidepressant venalpramine.
38:05I didn't realize the side effects that it caused on my moods, behaviors, and decision-making.
38:11But I am not going to use a medication that altered everything about me as an excuse.
38:17And I'm not going to bring Leah into this either.
38:19Even though she already feels so connected to you,
38:22she knows that not seeing you again isn't anything like when her mother abandoned her.
38:27But please, do not do this to her. She's just a kid.
38:33I'll be ashamed of myself after I get her back.
38:36Oh, you're just so glad you called, Leah.
38:39Dad insisted I get to know the family right away.
38:42If Dad can keep secrets, I can break promises.
38:45This is Francis and Piyama, Kelly, Jamie, and Dewey.
38:50And this is your uncle, Reese, who is going to explain himself and apologize to me this very second.
38:55Word of warning. They get mad about anything around here.
39:00Well, we are just so excited about all of this.
39:03We've just missed so much.
39:05We have a thousand questions we'd like to ask you.
39:12Hal, don't you have a question that you'd like to ask Leah?
39:15Yeah.
39:17What do you want to do when you grow up?
39:20Crush your father's soul and make him question his own identity?
39:25Excuse us a minute.
39:27Welcome to the family, Leah.
39:29Gosh, I wish I was able to be there to welcome you properly.
39:31My son, come to me in my small house.
39:34Honestly, Gigi, please.
39:36You can't take one for me just once.
39:44Sorry, they're, um...
39:47Evacuating the hotel.
39:48Europe, right?
39:50Yeah, hey, I gotta go too.
39:51I gotta sneak in a cigarette while the lieutenant's still taking a dump.
39:54Don't tell my mom I smoke.
39:57Is it me?
39:58Because this feels like when they make us choose lab partners.
40:01No friends, huh?
40:03Yeah, you give off that vibe.
40:05Kids can be mean.
40:07Parents, too.
40:08So the social thing is tough, huh?
40:11No, it's great.
40:12I'm on the waiting list to move up from outcast to pariah.
40:17It really is fine.
40:18I mean, I'm used to it.
40:19Because, like, what choice do I have?
40:21I mean, there's way worse problems.
40:27Leah, have you ever tried being kind?
40:32Probably not.
40:33I am nice all the time, and I get treated like crap anyway.
40:36Nice is different than kind.
40:39Kindness requires empathy, and empathy requires putting yourself in someone else's place so you understand how they feel.
40:46Do you remember ever doing that?
40:50Right.
40:51That's a tough one for your dad, too.
40:53You guys have brains that are so different from other people's, it's impossible to feel like you have anything in
40:58common with them.
40:59So what am I supposed to do?
41:01Just make an arbitrary rule.
41:02If you're not getting along with someone, imagine you have empathy for them and act accordingly.
41:08Like how I imagine I'm not always on the brink of violence.
41:11Try it.
41:12See what happens.
41:14Something you want to add?
41:17I bet if I crash the car, I'd move up two spaces.
41:24Oh, honey.
41:26Leah.
41:26Knees are warm and loving grandpa.
41:28What?
41:29I'm so sorry, Lois, but I don't think I can.
41:32I look at her, and instead of a sweet kid, I just see one more person who will hurt me.
41:45Ted Hunt!
41:47Lois!
41:47Your orders are to stay just as sweet, loving, and beautiful as the day.
41:51Hal first laid his loving eyes on you!
41:54Open fire!
42:00Don't!
42:01Don't!
42:02Don't!
42:03Don't!
42:03Don't!
42:03Reload!
42:07Achoo!
42:08I must be allergic to… something.
42:19she fake sneezed a booger onto her chin there's a giant chunk of snot on her chin
42:26there's a million ways that i could nail her do i go funny do i go brutal do i connect
42:31it
42:31to her character flaws so it stings with some staying power my mind is reeling
42:40hey you have a thing on your chin it happens to me all the time
42:49wait wait wait i saw what you did back there that giant job of the hut on her face oh
42:54my god
42:54i was just oh i hate alice and i had the perfect idea i was gonna go would you care
43:00for some
43:00crackers with that oyster and then seeing what you did i mean
43:05i feel kind of sorry i was like noble i'm not noble well something leah right yes jason
43:14i said extra in english and world history oh right i'm dumb
43:22was this a me cute this was a me cute right
43:29tristan's on her way over i'm gonna take responsibility and acknowledge the impact
43:33that my actions had on her or i'm gonna justify it i'm gonna frame things in a way that she
43:37thinks that it's partially her fault which one's gaslighting
43:44hi thank you so much for talking to me i know how upset you are i know how bad i
43:50screwed up and i
43:53i don't need to talk i need to listen go ahead
43:58i love your kid
44:02that's all i have for positives
44:04good start you totally sandbagged me anytime i asked you about your family you said it was
44:09complicated what i saw was not complicated it was just wrong yes but i have a solution for that
44:15all those angry vicious things i screamed at him imagine i didn't you have to make peace with your
44:22family okay for your own sake and sure as hell for leah's sake you don't understand i can't it's
44:28not just mom and dad it's so much worse with my brothers i mean all we ever do is fight
44:33except for
44:33when we team up to fight them you have brothers
44:43four and one non-binary dude come this is so much to unpack don't unpack just burn we don't need
44:50to know
44:50i should go
44:51i help the poor
45:00what i care so much about social justice
45:02malcolm what are you
45:04i'm not bad i'm good i'm not bad i'm really good and i'm smart which i remember that you don't
45:09care
45:10about because i listen and i know how to tie shoelaces away so they never come untied and i love
45:14you
45:14oh i should have led with that but i'm panicking i'll start over
45:17i can't be around you right now i understand i'll i'll be here whenever you're ready
45:25that won't be until i can trust you again
45:29if ever
45:37all night long we should have called the cops i didn't get any sleep at all
45:43dad's always been a loud crier
45:45guys what are you doing still in your pjs
45:48parties in 32 hours we still have a lot to do
45:51according to your 20 bullet point schedule for today i have more than enough time to finish my store brand
45:56cereal
45:56that was before i realized that my dress only looks right with open-toed shoes i had to add an
46:01emergency pedicure
46:02my toes look like twisted walnuts
46:06is dad finally asleep
46:08no he got up over an hour ago to help run errands
46:11come on you guys let's go get the lead out
46:17see completely normal don't be nervous i'm not nervous i'm desperate i only have one day to shake
46:23off all this depression and anger so i don't ruin the party for lois
46:27well this will help micro dosing is the best thing i ever did
46:30it's how i lost all that weight and got a handle on my gambling addiction
46:33i replaced it with porn
46:37greetings voyagers
46:39namaste
46:40ritchie
46:42hell
46:43great to see you how's francis how's the family i don't care
46:47need help worry not
46:49i have many weeks experience as a hallucinogenic scientist shaman
46:53concierge we see your pain truth seeker
46:57we have incredible shit to deal with it
46:59let me give you a tour of our tripatorium
47:01i don't need a tour indulge me
47:04help please please
47:08couch cot water bathroom we recommend starting in our central chair
47:13some people call it a dream platform others a launch pad to enlightenment
47:18either way there's a puke bucket next to it
47:21oh uh we already paid i used my coupon
47:24don't forget that doesn't include tip right
47:29this is the medicine air quotes are for the lawyers
47:33since you're new to this we'll start you out with a 1.5
47:39where'd they go
47:40he swallowed them
47:41all of them
47:43i have to divvy them out you ate 60 milligrams
47:46is that too much
47:47well not if you're like
47:5015 elephants
47:51we gotta get your stomach pumped
47:53no
47:55so the only chance i have left
47:57i'm going in
48:04gonna need a bigger bucket
48:05i'll see you next time
48:07i'll see you next time
48:07i'll see you next time
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