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00:02we finished the staircase frame a couple hours ago fiber optics in process we order the oak
00:07floors that you like oh good wonderful but there is a matter uh we should discuss what um i don't
00:13really want to say this since you threw paint in my truck when i got the banisters wrong plus
00:17suggesting anything other than rose gold was demented totally um but the building's going
00:21to be more work than we discussed what are we talking well the electrical's not up to code
00:24the hvac needs to be completely gutted the estimates on the theater are skyrocketing
00:28because of the custom lighting and the pyrotechnic capabilities well a vegas show without pyrotechnics
00:32is like a lap dance in broad daylight i won't be caught dead doing it all in all we're looking
00:36at an additional 20 million dollars to get the diva operational and that's just a conservative
00:40estimate oh god just to say it it would save us a ton if we didn't have the debra statue
00:46well how
00:47are people supposed to make an entrance if not between my legs where's the joy the the whimsy
00:52where's the the wow factor the wow factor well i mean people love this design the underwear mirror
00:58for upskirt selfies will be a destination in and of itself it's just that it just seems technically
01:02unnecessary unnecessary is there a gas leak in here actually there is and that's probably gonna cost
01:08oh my god okay okay okay maybe if we book a headliner we can use some of the advanced ticket
01:12sales to fund this okay i'll get on that you try to find an outside investor is now a bad
01:19time to
01:20discuss why we can't convert a chlorine pool to pink champagne yes yes ma'am
01:36so what happened what happened we took our room you didn't hear this from me but she had the best
01:40night of her life no oh it's stepper could you give me one second well so you shouldn't be talking
01:45to me about this stuff why not hello hi i need your help we're building that state-of-the-art
01:50theater at
01:50the diva and we need a comic for a residency who can bring in a ton of pre-sales do
01:54you know of
01:54anyone deborah you know you don't have to fish for compliments with me as kayla would say you are the
01:58number one living legend and you would slay the boots down on the diva chiquita banana it should be
02:03you you should do it no no no no no my residency days are behind me oh uh do you
02:08know bruno fox
02:08is he related to red fox i don't think so because one is black and one is white but you
02:12know what i
02:12never assume you don't know what their mom was doing okay anyway he's like a super popular
02:16podcaster and stand-up he's got a huge following um oh he does his travelocity ads but i actually
02:21find quite funny i don't even hits get bad oh that guy oh he'd be good can you get him
02:26uh yeah yeah i can get him great let me know
02:34this is so weird to be back here well she already took down the pictures i put up
02:39we've been gone for over two years also why would she keep up pictures of you and your college friends
02:43because we're hot and fun well look what the cat farted in let's suck and queeper
02:49you too poor cat great to see you guys if you're looking to poach clients there's a dial at the
02:54center right down the street oh my goodness wow that's really funny so look i'm gonna keep this
02:59brief please we have an opportunity for one of your clients as you may have heard deborah vance is
03:02opening a casino hotel in downtown vegas and we would like bruno fox to be the very first comic
03:07in residence wow wow bruno he has a lot of balls in the air right now this is a huge
03:14opportunity for
03:15stand-up right i mean you know that vegas residency means a steady paycheck shows every night of the
03:19week a lot more money than you make on the road oh yeah yeah well you know i'll try to
03:23remember to
03:23mention it to him the next time i talk to him yeah let's see what he says yeah yeah yeah
03:26the next time
03:27you talk to him could be right now if you just no i'm not oh we'd love to but we
03:30gotta go right now
03:30because we've got massages the kind where you come together we're gonna go yes wait are you
03:35serious are you really gonna walk out and just later dildos oh my god i know they're gonna present
03:39this to bruno like it's a total waste of time just to fuck with us so sadistic reminds me of
03:43how
03:43i used to treat this one girl my summer camp so mean you know what fuck them we are gonna
03:48go to
03:48bruno ourselves and present this offer directly hell yeah i knew you had that dog in you all right
03:54here we go he's performing this weekend in kalamazoo michigan we are going central time kinky
03:58yeah it's eastern oh this sucks
04:05to be asked to be a food tester dream come true well it's perfect i mean you have flyover state
04:10taste and josefina has the most refined palate of anyone i've ever met
04:14pistachio cream in an entree i'm feeling crazy for this so what if we like this chef's food you
04:19guys are gonna just poach him for marty yep damn nice bowl rice is hot though well it's not personal
04:24it's just business oh excuse me i love a little crunch big sleigh oh deborah i've been working on
04:32the opening joke so what about this um hello madison square garden i've been silenced for 18 months
04:36to let me finally say this big pants only look good if you're tall yeah i don't want to talk
04:41about
04:41pants uh i can't believe we can't figure out this opener no i know i think we have writer's block
04:46we
04:46gotta get some new energy going you know we could try cold plunging helps do a rogan helps him do
04:50what
04:50all right good point so i put out some feelers to some friends in the vc world about funding for
04:55the diva that was graham sweeney's office he's a young tech developer big portfolio he immediately
05:00responded and wants to fly in to meet with you oh great and he asked for ava to come to
05:05what me why
05:08oh my god do you think this is like an indecent proposal situation where he'll only give you the
05:12millions if he has one fabulous night with miss ava daniels millions please he could get you with a
05:17donation to greenpeace and some combat boots that's true no one is asking you to have sex but
05:24these vc guys are freaky and we need the money so if he asks to eat sushi off you you
05:28know play ball
05:29all right fine i'll go but i'm telling you if there's a philadelphia roll in my titty i'm eating
05:33that shit marcus set up a meeting and you after this i'm taking you to a parking lot to practice
05:37walking in high heels now that is a crispy skin
05:49so i come out of the men's room and i see a trans guy standing there waiting right i look
05:54him at
05:54his eyes i say bro i do not mean this like it sounds but do not go in there
06:05what's gonna fit this son of a bitch
06:12bruna fox yo can we come in okay bonjour this is my partner kayla schaefer how you doing pleasure um
06:20sorry to accost you right after your set which was amazing by the way so funny we couldn't stop smiling
06:24and laughing thank you but we have a very attractive offer for you i mean if it's a cock thing
06:28maybe but
06:29i'm pretty much retired from gay stuff oh no no yeah we're managers from l.a
06:34shaffer and lusak we represent deborah vance among others um and we just want to talk to you
06:38about a stand-up opportunity that we think you might like look man sorry but when i'm off stage
06:43i can't be about to work anymore you know okay okay um i am down to go out don't want
06:49to party
06:49hmm um i'm 100 down for that okay yeah let's do it what are you thinking i mean there's a
06:55little
06:55bar down the street called cokey's do we need a reservation for cokey's no but we do need
07:00someone to drive can you all drive us we got a subaru we rented so let's do it music to
07:04my ears
07:04the car play doesn't work but that's all right because i'll just sing for us hope you like
07:07nelly frittato kidding me i'm a nelly boy okay let's get some beers for the ride though right um
07:18hi hello good evening right this way i'll go get mr sweeney
07:23what did she say this dress is so tight i can't hear in it also does not leave room for
07:27underwear i think my bush is leaving an invitation well well well deborah vance in the flesh this is
07:32such an honor i'm graham sweeney graham good to meet you likewise and ava hey what's going on
07:38hi i'm so psyched you could come too i'm a huge fan of both of you thank you so i
07:43guess you're
07:44probably wondering why i wanted to meet with you well no i'm never surprised when a man's interested in
07:47meeting me i bet you're not um well would you mind if i do a little presentation sure okay please
07:53come set me right
07:57lane will be right out with some drinks she makes a bomb martini
08:01grab a seat please all right now you ladies comfortable not really okay first a little bit
08:08about me i got my start streamlining the way hospitals buy and receive medical tubing oh i used
08:14to sell a cat themed blood pressure monitor see so you get it genius so now that i've conquered the
08:18healthcare industry it's time for me to move into my next venture which is an llm generative
08:23ai model i'm calling quick scribble ah it's an ai chat bot that helps people sound like the most
08:31optimized funniest smartest version of themselves it's like photoshopping your voice for anybody who's
08:36looking to punch up the way that they speak or write or make jokes this will help okay take for
08:41example a a bridesmaid at a wedding she wants to make a funny toast but she's a bank teller sorry
08:48so when you say she you mean an ai person that you invented that i've prompted yes cool let's see
08:54how
08:54she does sarah's always loved to have fun maybe a little too much fun if you know what i mean
09:00sex
09:03now that sucks right yeah but what if she had had help crafting that toast by none other
09:10than comedy goddess deborah vance love her it might sound a little something like this according to the
09:16talmud every bride is beautiful on her wedding day the talmud is of course the drag queen who did sarah's
09:22cheek contouring today boom goes the dynamite even grandpa's deaf ass is laughing at that one not bad
09:28yeah it does sound like me yeah so um how did you train it to sound like deborah already well
09:35by
09:35scraping material it's online oh so they stole it technically right now it's not regulated and that's
09:41why i've come to you i want to compensate you and i don't just want what's online i want the
09:45real deborah
09:46oh well you should have met me three noses ago well they nailed it it's a sexy ass nose now
09:52look i
09:52want your full library and for you to work with the ai itself training it yeah can i ask um
09:58why us
09:59because deborah has the perfect voice for quick scribble i mean you have such mass appeal that's
10:04why you have the number one late night show in america you tell it like it is but in a
10:08funny way
10:09and that's how everybody wants to be well this does kind of prove my long-standing theory that my
10:13way is best and everyone else is wrong exactly see i want that and when i heard that you were
10:18looking for investment in your casino i was like well this is the coolest opportunity for us to
10:21partner up so ladies should we talk about the nuts and bolts let's yeah okay so we've got three blocks
10:30it is getting so late we got to bring up the residency as soon as he gets back because i
10:34don't
10:34know how much longer i can stay out come on you stayed up all night for the fiona apple pre
10:38-sale you
10:38can do it tonight she never goes on tour it was either wheel it was a big thing for me
10:41all right hey there
10:42is we get another round please wow another round indeed i haven't drank as much since i rushed
10:48you were in a frat no almost i wouldn't the goat and i reported them to the dean but you
10:52know what
10:52i'm proud of that because it led to much healthier rush policies on campus that's just the kind of guy
10:56he is he would never any animals no one okay anyway so listen deborah vance um is opening a casino
11:03in
11:03las vegas and they're looking for a comedian to do a residency and we think that comedian should be you
11:09a vegas residency that's right huh thank you i can get off the road finally that could be a good
11:16thing for me bruno vegas come on i mean raw seafood bars as far as the eye can see strip
11:22clubs
11:22on every block i mean it's the promised land for guys like us this is probably the tequila talking
11:28but yeah i'm in yeah okay amazing you're doing it huh come on all right come on all right so
11:35listen
11:35we're gonna head back to la tomorrow but we'll be in touch with details well you can't leave we can't
11:40no i have another show tomorrow night come on we got to go out afterwards celebrate get drinks
11:45oh well look if we're gonna work together i need to get to know you guys we got a bond
11:50you know stay
11:51stay stay please okay okay all right yes now one question who's getting the bag oh cocaine um
12:01i just i was really looking forward to reading before bed your question i already got it oh my
12:06gosh okay fine i can only do two lines you have given me so much to think about this is
12:11really
12:11really interesting fantastic pitch yeah i have a couple questions i mean look ava i know how much
12:17you've contributed to deborah's recent material so if i want to accurately capture her true voice
12:21i need you involved okay so when we hand over the material you can ensure that it's just going to
12:26be used for bridesmaid speeches and not to make like hitler seem young and funny to red-pilled dark
12:30web gooners well we're not in the business of censoring our customers right don't try to argue with
12:37her you'll get nowhere next thing you know you'll have donated ten thousand dollars to some barista's
12:41top surgery i don't know what happened to the term boob job that's what they called it when i had
12:44one
12:44ava ai is here and it's here to stay so you either get on board or you get left in
12:49the past see
12:50that is a big part of why i hate it this this forced inevitability people like you are always
12:56saying that it's happening whether you like it or not but you're the ones making it happen okay and
13:00you could easily stop it if people could say that they didn't want it but you don't want to give
13:03people
13:03a choice so you just say oh the train's already on the tracks and you don't let people decide for
13:07themselves i'm sorry it is technological r-a-p-e rape you said it not me oh okay okay let's
13:13let's all just
13:14take a breath i wish i could take a breath i'm strapped down in this motherfucker i can't breathe
13:18in here deborah now why should we believe that this app is this amazing thing that is going to change
13:22the world obviously you want us to believe that because you stand to profit from it so of course
13:25you're going to tell us that it's happening no matter what and it's inevitable okay oh my god this is
13:29exactly like when like a random ass diner puts a sign out front that's like best waffles in america and
13:33it's like yeah according to who the people trying to sell the waffles i am not trying to sell you
13:36bad
13:37waffles trust well yet again she's managed to bring waffles into the conversation okay less to think about
13:42here graham yeah thanks so much i'll uh i'll give it a thought i'll talk to my people thanks deborah
13:46yeah
13:51sorry i'm good
14:01i hate this place it smells like an old bicycle seat it's not that bad and we needed to save
14:05money so
14:06let's just try and go to sleep i just normally sleep naked well sorry but tonight you're not sleeping naked
14:11okay okay jimmy
14:21what is going on over there it's so itchy my clothes are making me itchy okay you can take
14:26off your clothes underneath the covers but then in the morning you're putting them back on under the
14:29covers okay yay take off my lady boxers okay i don't need to play by play just do your thing
14:40why are you taking them off like that that's how i always take them off i'm disrobing you do this
14:44alone what yes hello i've been waiting for you down in my office oh god can we crack a window
14:56it smells
14:56like king tootin common's tomb in here sorry i just i got distracted researching the ethics of ai turns out
15:02really bad yeah well everything's unethical if you think about it too much as my manicurist says can
15:07you changing then don't think about oh my god oh you want me to whitewash my manicurist people have
15:12accents okay i'm just gonna move past that one look before you meet with this guy again you should know
15:16that large language models like quick scribble are really really bad for the environment it's an app
15:20everyone uses apps aren't all apps bad for the environment yes but ai uses servers that need 15
15:25times more energy and they build them in poor communities look at this in memphis an ai plant
15:30is stealing all the fresh water and blasting the air with nitrogen oxides i see and how much energy
15:35are you using keeping 400 tabs open on your browser see i can play this game too deborah no come
15:41on
15:41i sold my malaysian palm oil farm can i have this no i am lending my name and my expertise
15:48to a
15:48program that is going to make people's lives easier what about the economy okay i know you care about
15:53that i mean ai has already destroyed massive sectors of the workforce yeah well you know if
15:58your job is replaceable let it be replaced i'm sorry that's how the market works oh my god okay well
16:02what about me ai is absolutely going to take away jobs from writers it already has not if you're good
16:07if you're good you can't be replaced did you know that in the 80s there was a woman in miami
16:10who would
16:11do my entire set verbatim and honestly before my lift she might have looked better to me too but she
16:17couldn't recreate my stage presence and neither can a computer you're missing the point okay maybe you will be
16:22fine but there are a ton of people who won't be okay this is causing a cataclysmic reshaping of our
16:26society that's going to doom us honey please please it's 9 a.m okay well i'm sorry i i cannot
16:32in good
16:32conscience participate in this so if you use any of my work i will sue you on what grounds the
16:37one cool
16:38thing about the american legal system is that i can sue you even if i have no legal standing i
16:41learned
16:41that from you okay fine i will just do this deal with material i've written without you now can we
16:49please stop talking about this and go downstairs and work no i'm gonna go outside and look at a tree
16:56maybe you could teach your toaster to paint
17:06if you were a letter what letter would you be okay you would definitely be an ass unpredictable all
17:12right there we go three long-handed iced teas oh no thank you but long islands make me horny
17:17what they make you horny no okay how would you even know that everybody at tennis
17:21camp knew that you were trying to dance with everyone okay we all talked about it it's on
17:24now that's awesome okay cheers to us cheers indeed okay bruno i think we need to talk about the
17:31specifics of the diva-licious residency resident residents see what is your earliest availability and
17:37maybe we could talk about um an on-sale date we can get your poster done guys guys guys guys
17:42guys
17:42you're making me like nervous all right like no don't be nervous come on man what is that voice
17:47don't be nervous i said i don't want to talk business it's boring i want to have fun okay let's
17:52play a drinking game get to know each other better get a little bit more comfortable i'm up for a
17:56drinking game at all times what do you got so me and my besties play a game where you go
18:00around in a
18:00circle and you say the worst thing that you've ever done and if your worst thing is worse than theirs
18:05you
18:05gotta take a drink jimmy you go first oh no let's play flip do it do it do it okay
18:12okay okay okay
18:13this is actually bad um we got a pr box of free sephora products for a client and i took
18:20them back
18:20to sephora and returned them for store credit no i know i know i know i know i know i've
18:25been carrying
18:25that around it's it's not how i normally am but i was just out of this beard lube i have
18:29this particular
18:29kind of cream that i shaved with and i needed to get it okay so bruno your turn yeah no
18:34i'm good i'm good
18:34oh come on i just told my sephora thing so now i kind of feel weird okay fine i'll go
18:38i'll go
18:39okay the worst thing every day was i poked holes in my dad's condoms because i wanted a sister
18:45and then he used those condoms with his mistress and got her pregnant and she wanted to keep it but
18:48i ended up being a boy so now we have like a creepy half-brother who no one talks to
18:51at events
18:52oh i really love robert i try to make him feel welcome whenever i see him he stinks okay bruno
18:56now that
18:57you know the rules your turn what's the worst thing you've ever done it was six years ago this coming
19:03august
19:06what was i was leaving my exes and we just got into one of these fights that we would get
19:11into
19:12all the time where we were just saying awful fucking shit to each other man just trying our hardest to
19:17hurt one another i was driving i was so pissed off and i couldn't see straight and he was just
19:27there
19:27he was just suddenly there out of nowhere and i slammed on the brakes i slammed on the brakes but
19:32it was too late man it was too late
19:38that sound that sound i can hear it all the time i hear it when i try to sleep it's
19:43like it haunts me
19:47he was dead and what would driving into the hospital have done he was gone so i just drove and
19:55drove
20:00you gotta turn yourself in what bruno think about the family that poor family but they need closure
20:08bruno you can't keep living like this okay it's eating you alive you're killing yourself look at you
20:12you're on the road all the time you're drinking way too much you're self-medicating you're totally
20:16scaring us you never want to talk about work it's weird the only way through is out you've got to
20:21turn yourself in brother you're right i can't live this fucking lie anymore
20:27what the fuck man i'll call 911 i guess yeah
20:35hello i am kayla shaffer and i am reporting a murder that my friend did
20:49i am
20:50hello hey come on hello gorgeous oh nice to see you again
20:56you hungry you want a uh piggy oh i think i'll pass okay hey uh thanks for meeting me here
21:02yeah you a
21:03big uh soccer fan yeah i'm that french team right there and the blue unis i'd be there right now
21:09but
21:09it's a lot more important to me to lock down this deal with you well i'll tell you what once
21:14my
21:14casino is open i'll make sure you have your own seat at the divas sports book lounge okay so you're
21:20in my lawyers looked over the terms and they gave it to you okay ah yes eulogies everywhere just got
21:25a whole lot funnier you are gonna make so many people funny oh well and i bet pretty soon you're
21:32gonna be using it to write your own material oh well i doubt that well you are because it's gonna
21:37be so
21:38good you're gonna want to no i don't think so yes you will because everyone's gonna be using it so
21:43if you want to keep up with the other comedians you're gonna have to but i want to write the
21:46jokes
21:46i like doing the work so you're telling me that if you got stuck on a punchline and you had
21:51a tool
21:51at your disposal to help you with that you wouldn't use it absolutely not there's no shortcut yep but
21:56here's the thing there is i created it you're welcome well okay fine yes there is but using that
22:03shortcut then makes it something else it makes it not art um i'm sorry but your joke about laser hair
22:08removal is art okay you're right it's pretentious to call it art but that laser hair removal joke
22:15is something i arrived at after trying a million other versions every time that joke didn't work
22:20not only did i make it better but it made me a comedian because to become one you have to
22:24do it and
22:24fail and do it and fail over and over and over until you figure out who you are lady stop
22:30squawking
22:30at me all i'm trying to do is make your life easier but it shouldn't be why are you trying
22:37to
22:37optimize the creative process i mean that's one of the things we've actually figured out we're good
22:40there you know we have been ever since cavemen told stories about bears i mean fix the ozone come
22:44up with a cure for cancer oh my god cancer again look it sounds a little bit like you don't
22:48really
22:48respect quick scribble i respect your business acumen i do i do but art is only art because the
22:53humanity behind it plenty of artists are already using it well fine that's all right doesn't mean i have
22:57respect them oh excuse me i didn't know shakespeare had a beehive oh okay that was good that was good
23:05see you came up with that all by yourself aren't you proud yeah this is clearly not going to work
23:10yeah take care guess not okay you take care too you know what lady i can get any comic i
23:15want to train
23:16my ai kill tony said he'd do it for free yeah you do that by the way one of your
23:21guys just scored an
23:22own goal oh fuck fuck what just watch the game
23:38what are you doing out here listening to the crickets while i write watching the stars
23:44communing with nature you know while i still can
23:51get your blood money no i decided against it very serious yes yes
24:01whoa score one for the good guys i am so glad i got through to you no no this was
24:06an amoral decision
24:07based on a nerd being a loser to me if you say so
24:11please this was not all you if i was that susceptible to your influence i would have become
24:16a communist the moment you first darkened my doorstep whatever oh god
24:23all right now that's behind us let's see if we can tackle the real existential problem of our time
24:29this goddamn opening joke oh yeah i've been uh been working on a couple things check that out
24:40okay guess i didn't figure it out well no but that's okay we will or we won't but at least
24:48it'll be on us
24:50hell yeah i gotta be honest i haven't written anything in like 30 minutes i accidentally drop my pen in
24:56the pond
24:59but i've been thinking
25:06housekeeping
25:15oh my god why are you oh wait oh my god where are my clothes where are my clothes i'm
25:20sorry did we have sex
25:21no why am i naked oh my god did kayla and i have sex who's kayla my partner then wouldn't
25:27it be okay
25:27if you had sex no she's my business partner this is a work trip what is going on did you
25:32guys have
25:33sex no okay well he's naked you gotta give him privacy oh come on it's so weird what was up
25:40for
25:40this hotel kayla what happened last night well we convinced bruno to turn himself in after a hit
25:45and run that was crazy god fuck that's right and then what and then the last long island really got
25:51you you could barely walk it's kind of sweet seeing you so vulnerable like that then we found
25:55out that the hotel has bed bugs bed bugs oh oh i know i i was like bed bugs are
26:01real we freaked out
26:02we burned all our clothes you burned our clothes we burned our clothes you were the one that lit the
26:07first match honey why did you let me sleep here if there are bed bugs let you i don't let
26:11you do
26:12anything i'm not in charge of anyone's actions but my own i am really getting it oh my god no
26:18wonder
26:18you were so itchy of course there were bed bugs anyways i got us new clothes at sassafras
26:22what the fuck is sassafras it's a teen clothing store for girls it's the only place that was open
26:27but they have some really cute stuff in there it's also so important for girls in the community to have
26:31a place they can go get cute stuff that doesn't sexualize them i don't care good for them you should
26:36care i talked to mandy about it who the fuck is mandy and why are we talking about her the
26:39owner of
26:39sassafras she has a small business owner and you just yelled about her okay i'm sure she's lovely i just
26:44want to get dressed this is highly inappropriate kayla here here here's your clothes put it on
26:50last time i ever help you with anything just kidding hurry up we're gonna miss the flight
26:55oh my god are you sure we're walking the right way i think so where the f is it i
27:05swear i parked
27:05here we've been walking forever and these stupid sugar floaties are giving me horrible blisters get
27:09over it you look good oh no it's zebra i'm gonna have to tell her about bruno hey hey i
27:17know you've
27:18been working on getting us bruno fox for the diva but i've changed my mind oh no why we're scaling
27:24way
27:24back i selflessly have given up on the idea of erecting a giant statue of myself it's a tragedy jimmy
27:30you should have seen the breasts and we are scrapping the whole idea of a big theater entirely instead
27:35it's going to be a proper comedy club you know intimate old school you know a place where emerging
27:40comics have a chance to hone their voices i actually think that's really cool great i hope you didn't
27:44go to any trouble oh no no trouble at all okay let's talk soon bye well she doesn't want bruno
27:51so i
27:52guess we got bed bugs for nothing oh i think that's it oh thank god my car hey wait wait
28:00wait we pay for
28:01parking wait daddy what the hell my god have you no dignity cover up uh i am covered it's a
28:08full
28:08blouse i'm talking to jimmy you look like two hannah montanas hannah montana was two people you
28:13fucking moron we got bed bugs and we had to go to sassafras what about the chokers they complete the
28:18look apparently they complete the look i'm taking your porsche back kayla what you can't take back
28:23a 31st birthday gift you crazy psycho see i heard what you did you talked bruno into turning himself
28:28in why didn't you just leverage it offer to keep his secret if you did your stupid fucking residency
28:33it's about closure for the family well losing your car is just the beginning kayla you see our most
28:39valuable asset it's not our money it is the schaefer family name and you are sullying it whatever who cares
28:46i'm not paying for your bullshit anymore your trust fund's gone wait what and say goodbye to your
28:51fancy office good luck running your pathetic fucking company now let's go
29:07madison square garden please welcome to the stage deborah
29:11bad
29:22hi
29:25you honky ass oh we want our money back
29:29you're not funny
29:51i'm a dsa member
29:53oh no there's nobody here what's going on you okay yeah yeah i think so
30:00why do you have a bat i thought the proletariat was rising up and giving you what you deserved and
30:04i was going to decide what side i was on when i got here no it was a dream it
30:08was a nightmare i was
30:09on stage wait i thought we weren't allowed to talk about our dreams no there's a rule that you're not
30:13allowed to talk about your dreams okay so there i was i was at madison square garden i was on
30:16the stage
30:17i looked down i am completely naked i i look out in the audience and everyone everyone is my sister
30:24and she kind of laughs and then my teeth started falling out okay that's clearly an anxiety dream
30:29you're just stressed about the garden it's okay we just need to keep working on the material i know
30:33your outfit no i said material i know i need to start picking up fabrics i gotta talk to my
30:37stylist i mean
30:38that's why i was naked you know although i looked incredible okay yeah all right i'm gonna call my
30:45stylist and put together some looks all right good night oh jesus christ okay do you have any
31:06closer going closer going faster than a roller coaster love like yours will surely come my
31:14oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
31:32oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh hey can
31:39you come pick me up i'm at the urgent care in diamond point you okay yeah i'm fine it's just
31:43a
31:43a hairline fracture i got hit by one of those self-driving cars you know we never got to vote
31:48on that they just started showing up i would have voted no anyway they um they asked if i could
31:54uh
31:54have someone pick me up in case i take the vicodin they gave me which i definitely already did so
31:57oh
31:58honey i can't i i'm i'm i'm in miraval in arizona in fact i'm in a towel i'm about to
32:04step into the
32:04sauna what yeah we're trying to coach their spa director for the new casino so you know damien and
32:09i made a quick trip oh okay all right never mind hey i could send dj but just a warning
32:15she might
32:15take a while you know she's only comfortable making right terms it's okay it's okay i'm getting
32:18another call i'll figure it out okay bye meryl marco what is up are you in la no uh why
32:25i just saw
32:26deborah run a red light in beverly hills about two minutes ago and i was hoping maybe you were here
32:30well uh deborah's not in beverly hills i literally just talked to her she's in arizona so that was
32:34definitely her blonde beehive hairdo rolls royce with a diva plate listen uh remember the last time
32:40i saw you i loaned you my umbrella would you send it to me but only dhl i don't know
32:44what is going
32:45on with the post office at this point and don't get me started on fedex copy that no problem i'll
32:49send
32:49it your way well it's nice to hear from you you good not really bye okay
33:01good morning oh hi oh how's your arm that's fine uh how was miraval oh orgasmic really did
33:11you have red diana is here oh good good send her in you're psychic no no i had to bring
33:15in the big
33:16guns to help me decide what to wear at msg my stylists were a flopperino yeah die oh look at
33:22you
33:22you look like a million bucks hey thank you so much for coming we're gonna get you a nice outfit
33:28okay aha the six of cups we are going into the past deb vintage oh i've been thinking new it
33:35should
33:35be old oh i'm getting a vision here she goes you're wearing white deb and you look like an angel
33:43white dress okay new slaps and sparkles up the wazoo oh my god does it have a white chiffon beaded
33:53top
33:56yes oh my god that that is carol burnett's look from her final show this is perfect i mean not
34:03only
34:03is it a piece of comedy history i'll be referencing one of my heroes is this yeah that's it echo
34:08that is
34:08the exact thing i saw yes yes god i'm good so you want me to track it down no no
34:13need all of carol's
34:14looks were designed by bob mackie shake call bob m hello bobby it's deb sorry for the cold call i
34:24mean
34:24you know how i'm doing the garden later this year yeah i need a jumpsuit yeah if i do something
34:28for
34:28you i gotta do something for share then the next thing you know sabrina carpenter is outside my door
34:33with a sewing machine and a gun i don't need a new design do you remember carol's white look from
34:38her
34:38final episode of course i i had it for years but i donated it to a charity auction do you
34:43remember
34:43who won it it was actually one of your fellow stand-up comics but i shouldn't say who rosie
34:48o'donnell no rita rudner no kelly kilpatrick i couldn't say oh yeah i heard kelly fucking kilpatrick
34:57that stupid bitch hates me i've never know why um you were pretty mean to her after she came out
35:03of the
35:03vm is i believe the exact quote was she should go back into the closet and pick something else
35:09okay fine just you know it's probably where the weird energy started we'll just have a winner over
35:15damien book my apology booth at spago's oh by the way i had a client who paid me in salami
35:21do you guys want some i think it's pretty good it smells good
35:31hey should we have mimosas and be bad what do you want deb i just want to to clear the
35:37air
35:38from when you called my daytime show oprah for racists i didn't say that oh you did you also said
35:44kelly's show is like if the l word stood for lame well what i should have said was you're like
35:48if the
35:49l word stood for lovely uh-huh so you're doing the garden hope they have enough wheelchair ramps
35:58free fans or just cut out the middleman live streaming directly into hospices oh kelly you
36:06you you still got it deborah so sorry to interrupt i'm a huge fan uh but someone left their phone
36:15in
36:15the car again i thought it was in my bag sorry kelly this is ava ava kelly hi nice to
36:20meet you
36:21i'm sure you get this all the time but when you guys started as lieutenant lavandra pax on star trek
36:24the next generation it was like the first time i actually saw myself on screen well that's not the
36:28first time i've heard that but i i thank you oh my god deborah is that coffee it's decaf is
36:34it no
36:36you know if you have caffeine this late you won't sleep and if you don't sleep i don't sleep she
36:40has
36:40been having the worst nightmares and then i wake up and i can't get back to sleep and i get
36:44the night
36:44sweats anyway but i've never been able to sleep completely nude because you know pajama pants
36:48give me really bad rash honey honey we're about to eat sorry really nice to meet you
37:01what i should have known i am so sorry that's okay for for no wonder you've been so bitter and
37:12frustrated and jealous all these years it is so obvious what's so obvious that you're gay
37:18i'm
37:23okay oh damn i'm so sorry that i didn't realize sooner and you know what that's on me
37:28because it must have been so hard for you watching me live my truth out and proud
37:32but look if you don't want to talk about it here i get it right hey what are you doing
37:38this weekend i i i
37:39don't know um why well why don't you come up to our place in montecito for the weekend and we'll
37:44catch up huh we'll really talk and bring your girlfriend she is adorable oh
37:53we're there oh hey let's get those mimosas yeah i need one by the way who the wife um her
38:02name is
38:02monica she's younger uh you'd think she was a gold digger but now apparently she has family money
38:08all right one to red oh to chang
38:21is that damien again yeah okay i'm not trying to be annoying but i feel like you're hiding something
38:27from me i don't know what you're talking about you're being paranoid okay well meryl marco said
38:33she saw you in beverly hills when you told me you were a mirror ball so well meryl was confused
38:37and i'm not being dishonest okay oh by the way kelly kilpatrick thinks i'm gay and you're my secret
38:43wife so we have to spend the weekend pretending to be lesbian lovers so i can get that carol burnett
38:46jumpsuit what welcome girls who's ready for a naughty little weekend me come and this is the living room
38:57oh wow kelly this is absolutely beautiful it's stunning yeah thanks hi hi oh gosh hi hi welcome
39:07lovebirds we're so excited to have you girls staying with us deb eva this is my muse my treasure
39:15and thanks to the ontario government since 2013 2013 my wife deborah come here oh deborah
39:25oh shanté merci cashier it's so nice and you must be ava guilty hi wow you smell so good and
39:35uh
39:35beautiful posture oh thank you once a ballerina always a ballerina darren aronofsky dedicated black
39:42salon to me that was messy well let me let me show you to your room this way okay i
39:50know it's a hike but it's
39:52worth it i'm sure the cream room it's lovely well good you enjoy yourselves girls and if you need
39:59anything just holler thank you absolutely mm-hmm deborah this is fucking insane i'm not pretending to be a
40:07lesbian couple with you i need that jumpsuit please it means a lot to me i guess it wouldn't be
40:11too bad
40:12to spend some time with the wife call me chandler because i'm gonna fuck monica you're my girlfriend
40:17do not flirt with her and blow up my spot you and i are in a committed loving relationship
40:23you're sleeping in the tub i am not sleeping in the tub okay you know if you want me to
40:27do this
40:27you gotta give me a thousand dollars yeah
40:33oh fuck i should have added more
40:39sorry forgot to say negroni's at six ah thank you
40:48give me an extra 500. get in the tub
40:55oh it's so nice having drinkers over nobody really parties anymore
40:59it's true it's true it's so sad and we celebrate our friend sobriety but we also mourn it
41:07oh well you poor thing what happened sports injury i love jocks uh she dated dean kane at princeton
41:16well this one was daydreaming and got hit by one of those self-driving cars oh no i was looking
41:21for
41:21a girl whose looks stopped traffic instead i got one that gets plowed over by it i have to forgive
41:27deborah she's always a little grumpy when this hand is out of commission oh well you know if you
41:33need help with anything this weekend yeah i can think of a few things watch out deb monica likes
41:41redheads did you know that uh redheads actually need more anesthesia during this week that blazer is
41:46fabulous is it vintage yeah you know murph griffin actually used to own this i had it tailored of course
41:52but i i think it's got a kicky vibe kelly has a whole walk-in for her vintage hollywood collection
41:57really i would love a tour well maybe we'll do that after dinner but how did you two meet
42:02oh that's a boring story i disagree my love i'll tell it so we were actually set up by our
42:08mutual
42:09friend jimmy who just knew we would hit it off and we actually met for the first time at depper's
42:13house because obviously we needed to keep it very hush-hush very discreet and uh yeah she hated me
42:19doc martens no makeup always talking about transit and public housing and uh you know we just kind
42:24of went back and forth back and forth the connection was undeniable but i think our spark
42:29is in our fighting that would be bigger it comes into play in the bedroom a lot too as well
42:33isn't
42:33that right deb anyway we were fighting like dogs and i just left i up and left and uh she
42:40came
42:40chasing after me i was halfway down her driveway in my car and she cut me off on her rolls
42:44royce
42:45and insisted that i stay and so i did i mean how could i refuse oh hi we've been together
42:49ever
42:49since doesn't it just feel like yesterday deb yeah sweetie sometimes it feels like a hundred years
42:55oh give me a kiss baby
43:09oh someone's shy oh come on come on you weren't so shy on the car ride up come on
43:30oh
43:31that's the girl i love it
43:35we're really happy
43:46what are you doing in here just uh i was just looking for a bathroom uh there is an ensuite
43:53in
43:53your bedroom yeah i just you know i want to keep the spark alive wow
44:02i couldn't imagine the spark ever going out with you
44:08you know kelly and i um
44:13we're open it's been a powerful information are you and deborah are me and deborah in an open
44:19relationship we are not we are not i have to say no i have to say no
44:27but that pause it tells me you want to be i will say that i'm attracted to other women
44:35i like that but let's circle back on that
44:40do you want to see our chicken coop is that a euphemism no it's a real coop oh sure yeah
44:45i would
44:45love to yeah
44:53come on
44:54oh my god kelly this is this is incredible it's it's like a life's work i know
45:00debbie reynolds almost outbid me on the vitamita vegemon dress but i am vicious with a pedal
45:05oh what is this little white number doesn't doesn't look familiar it's from carol's last show of
45:10course yeah it's cute i mean i i would take off your hands you know if you wanted to sell
45:15it yeah
45:15right and the really undervalued piece is bett midler's dress from carson's last show i know you
45:21don't want to see that no i mean sure yeah but this little white number we come on deb keep
45:25up a lot
45:26more to see hey damian how are you is it an emergency you've called me like 10 times no no
45:33emergency i was just wondering um yeah how did the trip to mirror evolved to ever go we haven't
45:38gone yet that's next week so she wasn't there last tuesday she is lying to me god i thought we're
45:42past this okay i refuse to get involved in whatever this is i mean by the way where are you
45:46guys we're
45:47in uh montecito at kelly kilpatrick's mansion we're pretending to be a couple so we can swindle
45:50her out of an old jumpsuit it's actually really gorgeous out here i mean sammy he's gone
46:00you think chapstick lesbian is butcher than soft butch yes oh god these kids they love their
46:04little categories i mean back in our days it was just butcher fem or big lesbos
46:10i'm kidding i'm sorry i mean labels are stupid unless of course it's poochie
46:16thank you so much okay she's had enough oh have i here i think i'm fine thank you
46:20oh kelly showed me her collection she has this gorgeous jumpsuit that carol wore i think we're
46:25about the same size oh let's not talk about that collection she's always talking about that collection
46:29let's talk about something fun i don't know deborah do you strap um strap oh leave my pillow
46:38princess alone no oh really yeah really damn interesting i'm particular about my pillows yes
46:46i'm a cortina soft down kind of girl she's joking obviously deborah knows that a pillow princess is
46:55someone who only likes to receive pleasure during sex that is not true no no i do plenty in bed
46:59oh you know lesbianically no no this is the lazy one oh yeah i'm the lazy one no you're right
47:04she
47:05does love eating my ass oh i'm always looking behind me going put chewing down on that thing it ain't
47:10groceries tell me more oh yeah we've been doing shibari that's rope play so she'll kind of tie me up
47:16hang me from the damn ceiling like a chandelier we know see ya
47:25coming through
47:34come dance with me
47:40look at our girls deborah
47:45come on
47:47come and dance with me
47:48come on deborah
47:49oh my god she's limber
47:52be a good little kitty cat
47:53come on deborah
47:54oh okay
47:55ah oh okay
47:56okay okay okay okay okay
48:00let's see those moves oh
48:04never been you a little petunia such good hips oh thank you
48:09oh gosh
48:12okay
48:14shall we hot tub i think it's getting a little too late for that i mean and sweetie you said
48:19you were
48:19getting tired no actually no i was really awake yeah i would love to hot tub well unfortunately i
48:26forgot to pack my suit
48:27so did i
48:34come on damn we're all dykes here
48:49oh the stars are gorgeous tonight
48:53breathtaking isn't it
48:55it really is
49:01deb i've been impressed with you
49:04you're special the free speech crusade you got going standing up against bob lipco
49:09now you really grew up here and when i read you spend a night in jail i did a spit
49:14take
49:14oh yeah how was jail
49:17you know as a lesbian i wasn't so bad a lot of tough ladies working out all day long when
49:23i was
49:24there i thought oh i'm gonna save this for the old spank bank
49:30so what's everybody's first celebrity crush mine lola bunny from space jam i was beating my meat
49:36hard to that girl every night
49:39good night
49:41what the hell is wrong with you excuse me you have been way out of line all night
49:46what you should be thanking me i was saving your straight ass
49:49don't you dare bring up ass after you said i eat it you will not turn this around on me
49:53you brought
49:53me here under false pretenses which isn't surprising because i know you were lying i have
49:56confirmation that you were in beverly hills last week are you tracking me i actually wasn't but
50:01that's not the point i thought we were finally being honest with each other well we're
50:04clearly not since you're secretly spying on my whereabouts okay fine whatever i'm going straight
50:09to tub good fine sleep tight
50:25oh sorry i love a midnight snack
50:29and have these amazing strawberries and creme fraiche do you want one
50:33uh-huh i'm good
50:41open up
50:49kelly and i just got in a fight same with me and deborah it's so hard
50:54to be with these dominant women who always get their way tell me about it wow look at us
51:03two trophy wars
51:07do you ever wonder
51:10if late at night when they're all alone on the shelf
51:15those trophies get to playing with each other
51:18like toy story exactly like toy story
51:26oh
51:27i was just getting uh water
51:36good night
51:47how dare you cheat on me i am not cheating on you because we are not in a relationship it's
51:51a lie
51:51which is your specialty well if you fuck that nympho trophy wife and kelly finds out i won't ever get
51:56that jump suit that's not true because kelly and monica are open well we are monogamous
52:01what that's what works for me
52:04is everything all right in here oh everything's fine
52:06ava
52:09are you okay
52:12you know when you're in a relationship with an older more powerful woman it's hard to find your
52:17voice she is my voice deborah calm down ava sweetheart how'd you really break your arm a
52:23driverless car with no witnesses it seems convenient oh my god i never hit her well
52:28well i did it this time i'm just gonna say it because i don't think ava feels safe saying it
52:33but
52:34deborah ava wants to be ethically non-monogamous with you no she doesn't well yes i do but that's
52:39not what this is about all right so ava what is this about well i'm upset because deborah is
52:44clearly keeping something from me and it hurts my feelings that she cannot be honest with me yeah
52:48well everything hurts your feelings yeah hurtful things hurt my feelings deborah sue me i have okay
52:53okay monica and i have done a lot of couples and right now you two are in the red zone
52:58so let's all
52:59take a breath let's get some sleep and maybe revisit this when your nervous systems have regulated okay
53:03okay sure sorry okay abe okay goodnight
53:28hey when we go to bed angry i've been in love in front of you
53:34no it's true good morning
53:39you a coffee person yeah yeah please help yourself oh i'm sorry
53:44how'd you sleep uh not so well sorry about last night mind if i'm candid please
53:56well it seems to me that deborah has probably betrayed you in the past and maybe the truth is
54:03that you're just not fully over it and i i think that maybe you might be trying to heal that
54:10betrayal
54:11by oversharing incredibly intimate graphic details about your relationship and demanding to know
54:19everything about deborah's life yeah you might be right well sometimes oversharing is a means of
54:27forcing intimacy because you're afraid the other person will withhold it from you yeah i mean i guess
54:32i do share too much i don't know i just wish that she wouldn't keep so many walls up after
54:39all this
54:39time the people we love oftentimes are fundamentally different than us and for someone like deborah
54:47lighting our guard down that gives her the opposite feeling of safety
54:51we're just different strokes you know yeah that makes a lot of sense
55:00and once you accept this about her you're both going to have much deeper much more intense orgasms
55:06together hope so here's to it thanks kelly anytime babe
55:20hi hi coffee thanks
55:32so listen i i wasn't fully honest with you no no i i shouldn't expect you to share every aspect
55:37of
55:37your life with me i'm sorry i pushed no no it's okay it's okay you're right i wasn't at miraval
55:43i i was in beverly hills having a medical procedure they found a mass and i had it
55:51removed oh my god no no i'm fine my mom did the exact same thing she had a kidney removed
55:55and she
55:55didn't tell me why do people do that because of reactions like this trust me i'm i'm fine
56:01but i knew you'd worry so look here's the here's the doctor's email
56:09this is your white blood cell count now yes totally a normal range cholesterol's a little high
56:13so is everybody's trust me i'm fine are you sure yes okay well thanks for telling me i i just
56:23don't
56:24like talking about everything all the time like you do yeah well i should probably keep some things to
56:29myself and i should probably be more forthcoming starting with telling monica and kelly the truth
56:39so we're breaking up yeah well i uh hope we still be friends and um live together
56:46and work together and have complicated intermingled lives
56:58hey hi good morning good morning good morning hi uh it it's uh i need to come clean with you
57:06two
57:06oh well of course we're we're open to you know whatever you have to say the truth is
57:14i'm not a lesbian i i i've been lying this whole time to endear myself to kelly so that i
57:19could
57:20talk her into parting with the carol burnett jumpsuit
57:25so that i could wear it when i play the garden
57:30because my psychic told me i had to oh my god wow anyway i i am so sorry i lied
57:37wow
57:39i respect your culture deb after a full weekend of watching you and ava i think it is pretty obvious
57:47that you're in a relationship it's just so sad that you cannot live your full truth
57:52let's get at least one thing out of the closet this weekend you can have the
57:55fucking jumpsuit oh but i'm not gonna play this game with you follow me upstairs to the closet get it
58:01and out yes ma'am miss so sad oh it makes me feel sick
58:16you know uh we had a lovely time and um now that you know that i'm not
58:19in a relationship my email is mr ava daniels at gmail.com out
58:27god you're tragic at the end of the day i'm rooting for him my hopeless romantic i love you
58:39honey let's adopt another disabled dog oh please you know there's pads everywhere and you gotta put
58:45the things on the i know i'm gonna put a pad on you don't don't do that you know i
58:48hate my
58:49putting that well that was easy that was completely insane
58:57you know regardless of you being straight we would never work as a couple oh absolutely not
59:01i'm out of your league
59:08hey guess what what
59:12i stole their fancy cookies those are fancy those are tates they sell them everywhere what are you
59:18talking about they taste fancy that's just because they're thin that's what makes them fancy oh come
59:23on you're getting crumbs everywhere these are so good but they need milk can we stop the milk what are
59:27you
59:27nine so um should i tell damien and josefina that we hook up or do you want what we did
59:33not hook up