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Stefan Molyneux

Philosopher Stefan Molyneux empowers a father against his wife's trauma-fueled anger after baby two, demanding he seize parenting command with unflinching truths and self-mastery for unbreakable family bonds.  0:00:00 The Struggles of Parenthood  0:00:15 Anger Issues Unveiled  0:02:59 Seeking Solutions  0:03:17 The Wife's Background  0:05:41 Childhood Trauma  0:08:15 Coping Mechanisms  0:13:09 Understanding Misbehavior  0:17:11 Stress and Eczema  0:23:44 Communication Breakdown  0:28:47 Family Dynamics  0:30:07 The Impact of Grandparents  0:36:17 Reflections on Relationships  0:42:50 The Complexity of Attraction  0:46:26 The Decision to Move In  0:51:05 The Promise of Parenting  0:56:53 The Daily Tantrums  1:03:32 Managing Expectations  1:07:25 Confronting Family Issues  1:12:33 Protecting Family  1:16:53 Navigating Advice and Choices  1:20:28 Moving Forward Together   GET FREEDOMAIN MERCH! https://shop.freedomain.com/  SUBSCRIBE TO ME ON X! https://x.com/StefanMolyneux  Follow me on Youtube! https://www.youtube.com/@freedomain1  GET MY NEW BOOK 'PEACEFUL PARENTING', THE INTERACTIVE PEACEFUL PARENTING AI, AND THE FULL AUDIOBOOK! https://peacefulparenting.com/  Join the PREMIUM philosophy community on the web for free!  Subscribers get 12 HOURS on the "Truth About the French Revolution," multiple interactive multi-lingual philosophy AIs trained on thousands of hours of my material - as well as AIs for Real-Time Relationships, Bitcoin, Peaceful Parenting, and Call-In Shows!  You also receive private livestreams, HUNDREDS of exclusive premium shows, early release podcasts, the 22 Part History of Philosophers series and much more!  See you soon! https://freedomain.locals.com/support/promo/UPB2025

Transcript

00:00:00I've been listening to your show for a long time, I guess 10 years at least, I heard a bunch

00:00:05of these Colin shows and I guess I forget the exact text of my email, but my wife and I

00:00:12had our second baby eight months ago.

00:00:15Uh, and since my first son was born, my wife has struggled a lot with, with anger problems towards our

00:00:23children, particularly our son who is, who is older and, uh, it's been, it's been gradually getting better, but, but

00:00:31not as fast as I would like.

00:00:33Uh, okay.

00:00:34What sort of anger issues?

00:00:36Well, uh, she has a very short fuse when it comes to, to misbehavior and he's a little boy, so

00:00:41he misbehaves time to time.

00:00:43Um, uh, he's messy, you know, he's, he, he's rude.

00:00:47And that usually, especially when she hasn't slept very much, she will start screaming at him and, and yeah, sounding.

00:00:54I'm sorry, how old is he?

00:00:56He is almost four.

00:00:58He's three.

00:00:59Yes.

00:01:00He's, he'll be four in a couple of months.

00:01:02So she screams at a three-year-old because she considers him rude?

00:01:09Yes.

00:01:10Isn't it rude to scream at a three-year-old?

00:01:12Yes, it is.

00:01:14So how on earth does she get to call him rude when she's screaming at him?

00:01:19Yeah, that is the thing.

00:01:20She does not.

00:01:21No, but she does it somehow.

00:01:23She justifies it somehow, right?

00:01:25No, she doesn't.

00:01:27Once, once her mood calms, she feels bad and apologizes and, and becomes, yeah, well, goes into a miserable mood

00:01:36for a while.

00:01:37Oh, sorry.

00:01:38So she doesn't think he's rude.

00:01:39She just calls him rude in the moment, but he's not, she doesn't actually think that he's rude.

00:01:43No, she doesn't.

00:01:45Once, once she calms down and we have a rational conversation, she fully understands.

00:01:49He's just a little boy.

00:01:50He's just trying to get what he wants.

00:01:52He's just trying to test boundaries.

00:01:53You know what little boys are supposed to do.

00:01:55Well, what sort of behavior would she, sorry, what sort of behavior would she call rude?

00:02:01Well, throwing tantrums generally is the main trigger.

00:02:07When he doesn't want to do something, he will throw a tantrum to try to get what he wants.

00:02:11What?

00:02:11Your wife throws tantrums?

00:02:13Yes, indeed.

00:02:15Okay.

00:02:15So, sorry, I'm a little confused.

00:02:16Why does she, where does she think his tantrums come from?

00:02:20From her anger.

00:02:22Oh, so she understands that she's teaching him how to have tantrums.

00:02:26Yes.

00:02:26She's well aware.

00:02:27Okay.

00:02:28She's listening.

00:02:28Well, she hasn't listened to your show per se, but I, I, she read, uh, what was, what's

00:02:33the one, what's the one real time relationships?

00:02:36I made her read that when we started dating.

00:02:38She's fully on board with, with peaceful parenting.

00:02:40She's never hit him.

00:02:41No, she's not.

00:02:42No, not if she's screaming at him.

00:02:44That's terrifying for a child.

00:02:45No, I, I understand.

00:02:46I understand.

00:02:47But verbally, in theory, she proclaims adherence to, to peaceful parenting.

00:02:53Okay.

00:02:54And if she's not on the call, right?

00:02:56No.

00:02:57Why do you think?

00:02:58Oh, they're sleeping now.

00:02:59What?

00:03:00Why is she not on the call?

00:03:02Well, um, I prefer to speak to you without her at the moment.

00:03:07Okay.

00:03:08Got it.

00:03:09See if you can, I can glean some insights.

00:03:11I've, I've talked to her many times and I've, I've said to her what I believe you would say,

00:03:15having heard hundreds of these calls.

00:03:17Okay.

00:03:18So how long have you known your wife for?

00:03:20Hello?

00:03:21Am I back?

00:03:21Yes.

00:03:21Am I back?

00:03:22Ah, okay.

00:03:23So when I'm on the phone, auto locks, the audio goes up.

00:03:27Okay.

00:03:28How long have you known your wife for?

00:03:30Uh, about six years.

00:03:31And how old was she when you met her?

00:03:34She was 27.

00:03:38And how old were you when you met her?

00:03:40I was 32.

00:03:4132.

00:03:42Okay.

00:03:43May have been 26 and 31.

00:03:45I'm sorry?

00:03:46May have been 36 and 21.

00:03:48I forget the exact.

00:03:49That's fine.

00:03:49It doesn't matter.

00:03:50Okay.

00:03:50So what was it that attracted you about your wife?

00:03:54She was very pretty.

00:03:56That's number one.

00:03:57Uh, she was, uh, uh, on the first actual, the first date we had, uh, her prettiness made

00:04:07me invite her, uh, ask her out on the first date.

00:04:10I, I, you know, I didn't ask her any real questions.

00:04:13I was, I was too nervous.

00:04:14I could barely talk.

00:04:15But on, on the second date, I asked her, like, do you want a family?

00:04:19What are your politics?

00:04:21Like, you know, why are you single?

00:04:24Things like that.

00:04:25You know, her answers were pretty good on all those things.

00:04:28She's very caring.

00:04:31You know, and when she's not having an anger problem, she is a wonderful mother and the

00:04:35wife.

00:04:35I mean, that doesn't mean much.

00:04:37I mean, come on, let's, let's not, you know, it's again, to take an extreme example, when

00:04:43he's not killing people, the serial killer is not murderous.

00:04:46You know, I mean, you judge people by consistent bad actions, not by intermittent good actions.

00:04:54So when did you first notice that she had an anger problem?

00:04:57Um, soon after our, our son was born.

00:05:01No, no, no.

00:05:02Don't believe you.

00:05:03How long was it between when you met her and you having a child?

00:05:08About two years.

00:05:09Are you saying that in those two years, she never exhibited any kind of anger problem?

00:05:15All right.

00:05:16Can you hear me?

00:05:17Yes, yes.

00:05:18Here I am.

00:05:18Sorry.

00:05:19Yeah.

00:05:19So here's what you need to do.

00:05:20You need to go into your phone settings and turn off the screen lock.

00:05:24I'll do that.

00:05:25Working on that.

00:05:27And I know, I, I, like I said, I've never, I've never witnessed any anger problems before

00:05:34we had children.

00:05:36All right.

00:05:37So what you're telling me is that for two years, she hid that she has an anger problem.

00:05:42Uh, yeah.

00:05:43Do you think that's believable?

00:05:45Who's you again?

00:05:47Uh, yeah.

00:05:48Can you, uh, I don't know if we can do the call if, if you keep cutting out.

00:05:51No, I'm sorry.

00:05:51I was, I was, so when I tab up to settings, apparently that turns off the mic also.

00:05:55I was trying to turn off the screen lock.

00:05:57Okay.

00:05:57Is the screen lock off?

00:05:59It is not.

00:06:00Okay.

00:06:00Do what you need to do.

00:06:01Do what you need to do.

00:06:02And then just come back.

00:06:03I'm doing.

00:06:04All right.

00:06:05Should be off now.

00:06:06Okay, good.

00:06:07So she didn't display any anger issues in the first two years of your relationship.

00:06:14And did you meet her family before getting married?

00:06:17I did.

00:06:18Okay.

00:06:18And do her family have any anger issues?

00:06:21Yes, I do.

00:06:22Okay.

00:06:23Who in her family has anger issues?

00:06:25Mother, uh, primarily and grandmother, although I never met her.

00:06:29She died before I met her.

00:06:31Okay.

00:06:31And what family issues, sorry, what anger issues did you see in the mother?

00:06:36Uh, well, she had a very short fuse with her husband, her, my wife's stepfather.

00:06:42She would berate him for, for small things.

00:06:45Uh, but I know, well, from what my wife has said, my wife was viciously abused when she was a

00:06:51child.

00:06:51Oh, physically and verbally and primarily her grandmother, but also her mother and grandfather.

00:06:59I suspect that may be the source of the anger problems towards children.

00:07:03And how long have you been listening to what I do?

00:07:07Long time.

00:07:08Okay.

00:07:08That doesn't answer me.

00:07:092014, 15, since 2014, 15, roughly.

00:07:13Okay.

00:07:14So since long before you met your wife.

00:07:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:07:17Long before.

00:07:17All right.

00:07:18So, so you know that child abuse leaves scars, right?

00:07:25I do.

00:07:26And you said that your wife was viciously abused as a child by her mother, her grandmother, and her grandfather.

00:07:33Did I have that right?

00:07:34Yes.

00:07:35Okay.

00:07:35That's correct.

00:07:36And in what ways was she viciously abused?

00:07:40Beaten, screamed at, told she was inferior, pitted against her siblings.

00:07:45And it's, yeah, any sort of misbehavior, graciously punished.

00:07:51And do you know how often these abuses occurred?

00:07:55Very often, regularly.

00:07:57It was the standard method of parenting in her small farming village.

00:08:01And when did you find out about her child abuse?

00:08:05Very soon into our relationship, I asked her about it.

00:08:08Okay.

00:08:09And what has she done to try and deal with having been the victim of severe child abuse?

00:08:16She's gone to therapy.

00:08:18We've talked about it extensively.

00:08:21Like I said, I might have read your book.

00:08:23Okay.

00:08:24Is she in therapy at the moment?

00:08:26No.

00:08:28When was she in therapy?

00:08:30And for how long?

00:08:31Two years ago, when the anger problems first, well, I guess two and a half years ago, when

00:08:38the anger problems first started getting very serious, when our boy became a toddler,

00:08:44you know, he was capable of serious misbehavior.

00:08:48And we got some therapy for her.

00:08:50And it seemed to help for a little bit, but we couldn't afford to keep doing it all the

00:08:54time.

00:08:55For how long did she go?

00:08:57Three months, I believe.

00:08:59Like once a week?

00:09:00Yeah.

00:09:02Okay.

00:09:02So she had like, she had 12 sessions of therapy to deal with severe child abuse?

00:09:06Yep.

00:09:07That's what we could afford at the time.

00:09:10Okay.

00:09:10And to this day.

00:09:11So.

00:09:12Therapy is expensive.

00:09:13Well, compared to what?

00:09:16Compared to her screaming at your son?

00:09:18No, compared to having the money to pay for it.

00:09:21Okay.

00:09:22All right.

00:09:24So why did you have, I'm sorry, did you guys get married before you had your,

00:09:30son?

00:09:31Yes.

00:09:32Okay.

00:09:32And how long ago did you get married?

00:09:34We got engaged.

00:09:35Technically not married, though.

00:09:37People were, of course, later.

00:09:38But yeah, we were committed.

00:09:40Okay.

00:09:40So you've been together six years.

00:09:42Your son is almost four.

00:09:44So you were together, you were engaged two years in?

00:09:48Yes.

00:09:48Okay.

00:09:50So why would you have children with an untreated victim of severe child abuse,

00:09:56given that you've listened to me for 15 years?

00:09:59Oh, 10 years.

00:10:00Sorry.

00:10:02Well, because, number one, I love her.

00:10:05She was a very good partner for two years.

00:10:07Did not display any anger issues.

00:10:10I, you know, I hope for the best, I suppose.

00:10:15Uh, okay.

00:10:16That's, um, interesting.

00:10:18So tell me what you love about her.

00:10:20And I'm not saying there's nothing to love about her.

00:10:22I just want to make sure I understand it from your perspective.

00:10:25Yeah.

00:10:25Well, she's very sweet.

00:10:26She's very creative.

00:10:28She's very good at playing with the children when, when she's calm.

00:10:32Um, she is, uh, she's very clever.

00:10:36She's very good at dealing with my idiosyncrasies as well.

00:10:40I'm not without my flaws.

00:10:42Um, she's very kind, again, with an asterisk.

00:10:50Okay.

00:10:50I could, yeah.

00:10:52Yeah.

00:10:52All right.

00:10:52Uh, so what about moral virtues?

00:10:56Kindness is nice, but you know, it's not exactly a moral virtue.

00:10:59I understand.

00:11:01Well, um, I don't know what sort of moral virtues would you expect a woman to display?

00:11:07She's loyal.

00:11:09Yeah, I guess.

00:11:10Yeah.

00:11:10She's loyal.

00:11:11We share politics more or less.

00:11:13We met during COVID.

00:11:15So it was, uh, it was, uh, it was a fraught situation.

00:11:19It was nice to have a, you know, a fellow in my country.

00:11:23Everyone really followed that, that program like a zombie.

00:11:27And she did not.

00:11:29She opposed it as I did.

00:11:32I was, uh, charming, I suppose.

00:11:34Hello.

00:11:35Can you hear me?

00:11:36Yeah.

00:11:36I'm sorry.

00:11:36I think you, I thought you were still going on with the virtues.

00:11:38So if you're done, that's fine.

00:11:39I don't know.

00:11:40Yeah.

00:11:41Moral, I see.

00:11:41I could, I could try to dig some more, but yeah, her, I suppose the most virtuous thing

00:11:47I noticed about her early in our relationship was her refusal to go along with the COVID-19.

00:11:52That was, I was, that seemed like a green flag to me.

00:11:56Okay.

00:11:56So you consider her loyal and unvaccinated.

00:11:59Yes.

00:12:00All right.

00:12:02All right.

00:12:03So how long after the birth of your son did she start having these temper issues?

00:12:09Uh, well, she wouldn't scream at our son right after he was born, like when he was a baby, but,

00:12:17uh, you know, she would, she doesn't, she did not tolerate, uh, sleeplessness very well.

00:12:23She would become very short tempered if, if, if she didn't get good sleep, which is, you know, common when

00:12:28you're a new mother, sleep is hard to come by.

00:12:31Uh, and I didn't, yeah, it didn't affect her well.

00:12:34So the first few months, you know, she was irritable, but, but mostly at me, you know, she became irritated

00:12:39at, at what he was doing, but she never screamed at him or something.

00:12:41She was just like, be trying to put a diaper on him or something.

00:12:44And he would be fighting and glaring around and she would like throw up her hands and give up and

00:12:49ask me to do it.

00:12:50Things like that, you know, but then as he, as he got bigger, started crawling around and walking around and,

00:12:55and, you know, causing trouble, then, then she would.

00:13:00Sorry, what do you mean by causing trouble?

00:13:02You keep saying like misbehavior, rudeness, causing trouble.

00:13:05I don't, I don't.

00:13:06Hang on, let me finish, let me finish, let me finish my question, bro.

00:13:10If you're going to have a convo, you can't be talking over me.

00:13:12All right.

00:13:14Right.

00:13:15You know that.

00:13:16So yeah, help me understand what she means by misbehavior or what you mean by causing trouble.

00:13:22Right.

00:13:23So, uh, boy has eczema.

00:13:26So any, any irritation to his skin will cause a bad rash.

00:13:31When he's being messy, he's crawling around on the dirty floor, uh, he will have a rash.

00:13:37So, so the level of, uh, miss level of activity that he needs to do to be, to qualify as

00:13:43misbehavior is quite low.

00:13:44If he, he gets his bare skin on something that he's not supposed to have it on, he'll get a

00:13:50rash, which is hard to explain to a little boy.

00:13:52So that's, that was the most common source of frustration.

00:13:57Okay.

00:13:57So your, your poor son has a skin condition and this causes him to get rashes when he touches stuff

00:14:04that might cause that rash, whatever that might be.

00:14:07Right.

00:14:07So we would have sympathy for that, right?

00:14:09He's not his fault.

00:14:09He has eczema, right?

00:14:11No, he's not.

00:14:12Okay.

00:14:12So that's not misbehavior.

00:14:13I don't, help me understand what you mean.

00:14:15No, no, no.

00:14:16But, but, but, uh, doing things that cause the rash.

00:14:19No, but that's not misbehavior.

00:14:20If it needs to be, no, no, but it needs to be prevented, you know, because if he, if he's

00:14:24going to be touching something, it's not misbehavior.

00:14:26Oh, uh, so I guess that's the wrong word.

00:14:28Okay.

00:14:29That's my point.

00:14:29Right.

00:14:30So, so help me understand what the right word is.

00:14:32Okay.

00:14:32Well, well, um, behavior that needs to be prevented.

00:14:36Well, how do you prevent it?

00:14:38English is not my first language.

00:14:39That's fine.

00:14:40How do you prevent it?

00:14:42Oh, by removing him from the situation.

00:14:45Okay.

00:14:47And do you know why he has eczema?

00:14:50Uh, well, the doctor, we have, we have had several allergy doctors and none of them

00:14:57give a very good answer for, for why he has eczema.

00:15:00Allergies don't help, but they're not the main cause.

00:15:03Uh, is eczema stress related?

00:15:07I don't know.

00:15:08Doctors are unclear.

00:15:10Oh, they haven't, they have said they don't know if it's stress related.

00:15:12Is that right?

00:15:13Yeah.

00:15:13That's what they said.

00:15:14They, they, they, they basically, they have no idea what causes it.

00:15:16It's, is it genetic?

00:15:18It's environmental.

00:15:19It's, you know, a little bit of everything.

00:15:21Hmm.

00:15:22Interesting.

00:15:23They've been very unhelpful about root causes, but, uh, treatments are, are by and large

00:15:27affected, uh, I'm just looking at this up.

00:15:31It's eczema stress related.

00:15:34Bum, bum.

00:15:35Okay.

00:15:36This is AI.

00:15:36Obviously it's far from perfect, but, uh, yes, eczema.

00:15:40I thought it was, uh, eczema, particularly atopic dermatitis.

00:15:45The most common type is strongly linked to stress.

00:15:49Okay.

00:15:50Stress is one of the most commonly reported triggers for flare-ups and recent research

00:15:55has uncovered specific biological mechanisms explaining exactly how it worsens symptoms.

00:16:01So stress activates the body's fight or flight response, releasing hormones like cortisol.

00:16:06Chronic or high stress increases inflammation throughout the body, including the skin, weakens

00:16:11the skin barrier, making it harder for the skin to retain moisture and fend off irritants.

00:16:15And promotes the release of pro-inflammatory cytokines and histamine, which heightens itching.

00:16:21It can also impair skin repair and increase scratching, which further damages the skin and creates

00:16:27a fissure cycle.

00:16:27Worse, eczema leads to more stress, which leads to even worse, uh, eczema.

00:16:34And as of March, 2026, a new major new study published in Science, the journal, finally

00:16:40mapped a direct neuroimmune pathway.

00:16:42So I'll let you read all of that.

00:16:47So yeah, it's highly related to stress.

00:16:50Yeah, sounds possible.

00:16:52Okay.

00:16:53Is being screamed at very stressful for your son?

00:16:58Yes, it is.

00:16:59Right.

00:17:00So that may be a causal factor.

00:17:04I would say exacerbating factor.

00:17:07Because he had it before she started screaming at him.

00:17:10But point remains.

00:17:11Well, hang on.

00:17:12I thought you said, sorry if I got this wrong.

00:17:15I thought you said that she was irritable even in the first few months of being a mother.

00:17:20Yes.

00:17:21But not at him.

00:17:22Just irritable about not sleeping.

00:17:24And that didn't seem unusual to me.

00:17:25Does it seem unusual to you for a newly begged mother with no sleep as irritable?

00:17:30No, not at all.

00:17:32Tired, sure.

00:17:34Yeah, tired.

00:17:34Yeah, yeah.

00:17:35But I mean, there's a choice, right?

00:17:38Sleeplessness does not cause irritability.

00:17:42Irritability and anger, in terms of manifesting in the world, are not caused by stressors.

00:17:50They are caused by the permission we give ourselves to get angry and irritable.

00:17:57I mean, I've done shows where I'm tired and have a headache that does not give me permission

00:18:03to be short or snappy or negative or hostile because I'm aware that I have these negative

00:18:11stimuli, like I'm tired, I have a headache or whatever it is.

00:18:15And I don't give myself permission to be irritable.

00:18:19That doesn't mean I don't feel irritable or anything like that from time to time, but

00:18:23I don't give myself permission to do that.

00:18:26So your wife gives herself permission to act out her tiredness in the form of irritability.

00:18:34I mean, my wife was very tired.

00:18:37We had a child who didn't sleep and she would sometimes express some frustration to me, but

00:18:44she was, she would never be irritable with her daughter because it's not, it's not her

00:18:49daughter's fault that she couldn't sleep.

00:18:51You just, you get the kid you get, right?

00:18:53Yeah.

00:18:54I agree.

00:18:54So if your wife is irritable and you say, well, not directly at your son, but it's in the

00:19:00environment, right?

00:19:01Right.

00:19:01And so he would have experienced some tension just in his mother's irritability.

00:19:09That's correct.

00:19:11Okay.

00:19:12So at what age did your wife start screaming at your son?

00:19:18Uh, around the time he, um, I guess one, one year old.

00:19:24Like early one or late one or in the middle?

00:19:27Early one.

00:19:28Okay.

00:19:28He started walking early.

00:19:30He started walking early.

00:19:31He was a very athletic boy.

00:19:32Okay.

00:19:33Okay.

00:19:33There's another problem.

00:19:34He kept falling over and climbing on things and it's also not allowed.

00:19:39Sorry.

00:19:39What do you mean not allowed?

00:19:40I mean, he needs to be prevented or he will hurt himself, you know?

00:19:43I don't, I don't understand.

00:19:45Climbing on what?

00:19:46Climbing on furniture, uh, tables.

00:19:50Okay.

00:19:51So what furniture would he climb on that would be dangerous?

00:19:56Uh, well, chairs mostly.

00:19:59Climbing on the back of chairs and they'll, they'll be on the verge of falling over and.

00:20:03Okay.

00:20:04But why wouldn't you get a little baby fence to keep him away from those chairs?

00:20:08Oh, we did.

00:20:09I climbed that.

00:20:10Oh, he climbed over the baby fence.

00:20:12The whole point of the baby fence is you have to get a bigger one so he can't climb over

00:20:15it.

00:20:15Yeah.

00:20:16Yeah.

00:20:16We got a decent, we got a decent baby fence and that helped a lot.

00:20:18But controlling his environment was, of course, the main way to, to control his behavior.

00:20:23But, uh, at the time, that's not possible.

00:20:26And scratching is another one.

00:20:28Hang on, hang on, hang on.

00:20:29Right?

00:20:30Sorry.

00:20:30You said at the time it was not possible.

00:20:33I'm not sure what you meant.

00:20:35Uh, oh, no, no.

00:20:36At the time it was, uh, it was possible.

00:20:39It was the main source of behavior control was the little baby fence.

00:20:43Okay.

00:20:44Got it.

00:20:44So, so that problem was solved.

00:20:47Yes.

00:20:47The climbing problem was supposed to be solved.

00:20:50So then there's no reason for your wife to yell at your son if the problem has been solved with

00:20:54the baby fence.

00:20:56No, not about climbing.

00:20:58Scratching was, was a big one.

00:21:00Okay.

00:21:01The scratching makes eczema worse.

00:21:03So you're not allowed to scratch.

00:21:05Right.

00:21:06But you're itchy.

00:21:06So you want to scratch.

00:21:08Right.

00:21:09She will tell him, don't scratch.

00:21:11We'll start very sweet.

00:21:13Don't scratch.

00:21:13Please don't scratch.

00:21:14It'll just get worse.

00:21:15Hang on.

00:21:16She's telling a one-year-old not to scratch.

00:21:19Yep.

00:21:21But that's not possible.

00:21:23Nope.

00:21:24It is not.

00:21:25So I don't understand.

00:21:26I mean, I'm sure she studied some baby development stuff.

00:21:28You, you can't give a one-year-old an abstract instruction like that.

00:21:32Can you?

00:21:33No.

00:21:34Yeah.

00:21:34You grab the hands, you put socks on the hands, you, uh, you know.

00:21:38Well, and you try to reduce the child's stress.

00:21:42Yeah.

00:21:43Which snapping at them to, or yelling at them, or screaming at them to not scratch is really

00:21:49bad for the eczema, isn't it?

00:21:51Yep.

00:21:52Apparently so, says the AI.

00:21:54Okay.

00:21:55I haven't made that connection before.

00:21:56Seems logical.

00:21:57In hindsight, doctors never mentioned it.

00:22:00Uh, all right.

00:22:01So I will, AI's been around for a while.

00:22:05Let me ask AI, uh, triggers for eczema.

00:22:11Yep.

00:22:11All right.

00:22:12Maybe the AI will know.

00:22:14Uh, what are some triggers?

00:22:17Which AI do you prefer?

00:22:19Uh, I got it.

00:22:20I use correct.

00:22:21All right.

00:22:23I trick it by a variety of factors.

00:22:27Uh, so dry skin, low humidity, dry, cold weather, irritants, and harsh products,

00:22:31fat room cleaning, heat, sweat, temperature changes, stress.

00:22:33There we go.

00:22:34Emotional or psychological.

00:22:35One of the top patient-recorded triggers, it activates, blah, blah, blah.

00:22:40Okay.

00:22:40So, uh, yeah.

00:22:42One of the top patient-reported triggers is stress.

00:22:45So when your child has a medical issue, isn't it sensible to do some research on it?

00:22:52Yep.

00:22:53Did you never look up the causes?

00:22:55Hang on.

00:22:55Did you never look up, hang on.

00:22:57Did you never look up the causes for eczema?

00:22:59Not in the AI, I didn't.

00:23:00Well, wherever.

00:23:01Well, I did.

00:23:02And there were, there were, like you said, environmental irritants mostly,

00:23:06but they're exacerbating factors.

00:23:07The cause is, is, uh, you know, at least genetic to a degree.

00:23:12Uh, okay.

00:23:13I will try just a regular search engine.

00:23:16Okay.

00:23:17Sure.

00:23:17I must have seen it before, but it didn't grab my eye.

00:23:20Stress would be the main factor.

00:23:23Triggers for eczema.

00:23:26All right.

00:23:28Uh, common triggers for eczema include food and environmental allergies,

00:23:31irritants like certain fabrics and cleaning products, stress.

00:23:35Right.

00:23:36So anything you would have looked up as triggers for eczema,

00:23:40you would have seen stress.

00:23:42Well, yeah, I suppose I must have seen it.

00:23:44Okay.

00:23:45So then what you would want to do is you'd want to reduce the stress that your child was experiencing.

00:23:52Yes.

00:23:53And if his mother is screaming at him,

00:23:56that's about as stressful a thing as a child can experience.

00:24:00Wouldn't you say?

00:24:01Yep.

00:24:02I agree.

00:24:02Okay.

00:24:03Which is why I would like to reduce it.

00:24:05Okay.

00:24:05So, so you have been trying to reduce the stress.

00:24:08Is that right?

00:24:09Yes.

00:24:09Okay.

00:24:10And does his mother understand that stress can be a significant trigger,

00:24:15one of the top triggers for eczema?

00:24:18No.

00:24:19Like I said, we didn't make that direct connection,

00:24:22but I'm sure she would if I explained it to her.

00:24:24So she has not looked up triggers for eczema?

00:24:27Yeah, she has.

00:24:28Again, we've focused on the environmental triggers.

00:24:31That was the main thing that jumped out.

00:24:32That was what the doctors kept talking about.

00:24:35But it's the stress thing is right there.

00:24:37Yeah.

00:24:38Well, we just didn't make the connection.

00:24:40We were thinking of other things.

00:24:41Sorry.

00:24:42It's not a question.

00:24:43Hang on.

00:24:43I'm not asking you to break a code here.

00:24:46No.

00:24:46I mean, you look up the triggers for eczema.

00:24:49Stress is right there.

00:24:50So you should try to reduce your child's stress.

00:24:54So if the stress is part of the trigger for your child's eczema,

00:24:58then you and your wife are making it worse.

00:25:03Yeah.

00:25:04Okay.

00:25:04Just wanted to check in on that.

00:25:07Okay.

00:25:07So how often does your wife scream at your son?

00:25:11It depends.

00:25:13On a good week, once a week, a bad week every day.

00:25:19And how long are her yelling?

00:25:23How long does it last for?

00:25:25A minute.

00:25:25No more.

00:25:27Okay.

00:25:27So like one minute a day.

00:25:29Yeah.

00:25:30Yeah.

00:25:30Worst I've ever seen was like five minutes.

00:25:32Okay.

00:25:33And that's so one to five minutes at worst once a day.

00:25:37So she only yells at him once a day.

00:25:39Yeah.

00:25:40Okay.

00:25:42I won't say only, but by and large, yes.

00:25:45Okay.

00:25:46How often does she sometimes yell at him?

00:25:48And how many times a day?

00:25:50Two.

00:25:50Okay.

00:25:51Got it.

00:25:51I think the worst ever was three.

00:25:53Okay.

00:25:55And is it like top screaming?

00:25:59Like one to 10, it's a 10 in terms of volume and intensity?

00:26:03Or is it some other number?

00:26:05No.

00:26:06A 10 would be very rare.

00:26:07Maybe, maybe, I don't know, once a month seems high.

00:26:11Something like that.

00:26:13Uh, but yeah, I guess six or seven.

00:26:16Okay.

00:26:17And does she, I'm so sorry, go ahead.

00:26:20Uh, you know what?

00:26:21I'm finished.

00:26:22Most common six or seven.

00:26:23Okay.

00:26:24And does she scream at your son when out in public?

00:26:28Uh, yes.

00:26:29So she's at the mall.

00:26:31She's at the airport or the movie theater or something.

00:26:34If he does something she doesn't like, she'll just yell at him.

00:26:37Not immediately, you know.

00:26:38But once she loses her temper, she, she loses it.

00:26:42We don't go out much, but at the playground is, is the most common.

00:26:45Okay.

00:26:46So she'll just yell at your son at the playground?

00:26:49Yes.

00:26:49Okay.

00:26:50And does she yell more or less or about the same when she's out as opposed to at home?

00:26:57It's hard to say.

00:26:58It's a small sample size.

00:26:59Like I said, we don't go out that much.

00:27:01No, I bet.

00:27:02Okay.

00:27:03All right.

00:27:04And what about her parents or your parents or both?

00:27:10Are they involved in your son's life?

00:27:13Her parents live in a different country.

00:27:16Uh, so they're not very much involved at all.

00:27:19Uh, my parents were, you know, were never really together.

00:27:24I was going to be conceived at the music festival and neither of them are very involved either.

00:27:29They're, they come over every, every, every couple of weekends.

00:27:33Uh, no, they're not part of the parenting.

00:27:36And what are your parents like?

00:27:38Uh, well, my mother screamed at me a lot when I was a boy.

00:27:41I was raised by a single mother for very similar things as my wife screams at my boy.

00:27:47I don't remember when I was very, very young, like he is now, but, but when I was, you know,

00:27:53five and over, anytime I made a small mess, like left the cereal box on the table or something,

00:27:57I would be screamed at.

00:27:59Oh, sorry.

00:28:00I wasn't sure.

00:28:00That's a, that's a pretty short description of parenting.

00:28:03And you said your parents weren't together.

00:28:05Is your father around?

00:28:06He is around.

00:28:07Yeah.

00:28:08All right.

00:28:09Uh, okay.

00:28:10So have you ever talked to your mother about how frightening her screaming was?

00:28:16Yes, I have.

00:28:17And what does she say?

00:28:19Oh, she freaked out immediately and shut down the conversation real quick.

00:28:24Okay.

00:28:24So why is she in your life?

00:28:26If she's an unrepentant screamer?

00:28:29Oh, she's not in my son's life.

00:28:31I didn't ask that.

00:28:34Oh, well, uh, I don't know.

00:28:39It's a hard thing to cut.

00:28:41But she comes over every couple of weeks, right?

00:28:44Yeah.

00:28:45And how long does she stay?

00:28:47Hour, hour and a half, two hours.

00:28:49And she doesn't see your son?

00:28:51She sees him.

00:28:53She's never babysat or has never been left alone with him.

00:28:57Okay.

00:28:58And what benefit do you get from your time with your mother?

00:29:02Uh, very little, I suppose.

00:29:06I guess mostly maintaining contact with my grandmother.

00:29:09I suspect if, if I cut off my mother completely, it would make my relationship with my grandmother impossible.

00:29:16Okay.

00:29:17So help me understand what benefit you get from your relationship with your grandmother.

00:29:21I like her a lot.

00:29:22She's a, she's a lovely woman.

00:29:24We get along great.

00:29:26Sorry.

00:29:27So the woman who raised your mother, who was the screamer or the yeller, was a lovely woman.

00:29:32Yes.

00:29:34That's, that's a little hard to understand.

00:29:37Yeah.

00:29:38So your mother was raised well, but behaved badly.

00:29:43Uh, well, probably may not have been raised well.

00:29:47But your grandmother was a lovely woman.

00:29:50Yeah.

00:29:51Well, to me anyway.

00:29:52Oh, sorry, to you?

00:29:54Yeah.

00:29:55Okay.

00:29:55I was raised by her to a large degree because my mother was working a lot.

00:29:59Okay.

00:30:00She never screamed at me.

00:30:01Did your grandmother know that your mother screamed at you?

00:30:04Yeah.

00:30:05And did she ever do anything about it to your knowledge?

00:30:08No, she thought it was, it was a normal thing.

00:30:11Oh, so she thinks that screaming at children is normal, but she's a lovely woman.

00:30:16Yeah.

00:30:16Well, she thinks it's no big deal.

00:30:18It's a, that's how she was raised.

00:30:20That's how everyone she is has ever known was raised.

00:30:22You know how it is with, with, uh, those who've internalized that sort of thinking.

00:30:27Okay.

00:30:27So that means she must've screamed at your mother.

00:30:30Possibly.

00:30:30Yeah.

00:30:30I haven't dug into that history very well, but, uh.

00:30:33Well, no, but if you say this is how she was raised, this is how everyone's raised,

00:30:37this is the norm, then she would do it.

00:30:38Well, funnily enough, never screamed at me, though.

00:30:40Well, yes, but I'm talking about your mother.

00:30:43No, no, I, I mean, it's an interesting point.

00:30:45Like, probably she did.

00:30:46Yeah, you're correct.

00:30:47I wonder why she stopped with me, then.

00:30:48I guess she realized at some point it was wrong.

00:30:50Oh, no, no.

00:30:52So, grandparents are often much nicer to grandchildren than they are to their own children.

00:30:58I mean, you've, you've heard this a million times over the course of listening to my shows,

00:31:02and it's a very common observation that grandparents are nicer to their grandchildren than they

00:31:08were to their own children.

00:31:10It's for a variety of reasons, it's not, but it's not because of some moral revolution.

00:31:15No, I wouldn't think so.

00:31:16Okay.

00:31:17I'm sure.

00:31:17Okay, so you, uh, does your grandmother, uh, does she help out with your son?

00:31:24No.

00:31:24She's still old now.

00:31:26Oh, okay.

00:31:26Okay.

00:31:27But does she visit?

00:31:29Yes, but rarely.

00:31:30We visit her time to time.

00:31:31Um, okay.

00:31:32She's quite old.

00:31:34Okay.

00:31:34So, you want to keep your relationship with your grandmother, and you want to keep your

00:31:41relationship with your mother, and your wife's parents are in another country, right?

00:31:46Yes.

00:31:47Okay.

00:31:48And my wife's mother, her father is not in her life, either.

00:31:51Okay.

00:31:53All right.

00:31:54So, uh, what do you think I can do to help in the time that we have together?

00:31:59Well, um...

00:32:01So, my main confusion in the matter is, uh, my wife is not an unrepentant child abuser.

00:32:10She is a repentant child abuser.

00:32:12Every time she loses her temper, she feels terrible about it.

00:32:16She apologizes to him.

00:32:17She tells me about it.

00:32:19Apologizes to me.

00:32:21And, and she tries to be better.

00:32:23Although she gets a bit depressed every time she does it.

00:32:26So, you know, I've explained to her many times, this is not okay, right?

00:32:31Like I said, I didn't make the, the direct stress connection to the eczema, or perhaps

00:32:34I should have.

00:32:36But, you know, just the psychological damage is, is plenty of reason not to scream.

00:32:40You don't need, you don't need the eczema reason.

00:32:42You can't scream at non-eczema kids either, you know?

00:32:45So, while perhaps an effective tactic, it's, it's, yeah.

00:32:50Anyway, she, she knows it's wrong.

00:32:53She apologizes.

00:32:55She claims to be trying to get better.

00:32:57There's some evidence to that fact.

00:32:59It's gotten rare.

00:33:01Especially as she gets more sleep.

00:33:03So, if her mood is stable, if she gets, you know, enough sleep, proper nutrition, you

00:33:09know, if she exercises regularly, then it's way, it's way better.

00:33:13But when the boy is having a hard night, the girl now, especially now with the baby girl,

00:33:18she is also a bad sleeper.

00:33:21The sleep problems exacerbate the anger problems.

00:33:25So, I will, you know, if it was just unrepentant abuse, then, you know, I would have taken

00:33:32my children to El Salvador or something.

00:33:33But, but at the moment, it is not bad enough to, to remove her from their life, but that

00:33:40would be a stressor of its own.

00:33:42There have been times that I've considered it.

00:33:45I don't know.

00:33:46I, I, when I saw you had, you had the open booking.

00:33:49Every time I've listened to a call on show of yours, you've, you've had excellent advice

00:33:53and, uh, I don't know, I've sort of, yeah.

00:33:58Yes, I was hoping she'd have some.

00:33:59No, but normally I'm talking to, hang on, but normally I'm talking to the person who

00:34:03has the problem.

00:34:04That's why I asked about your wife earlier.

00:34:06Ah, I see.

00:34:08So, again, what is it that you would like to, I just want to make sure I provide maximum

00:34:12value.

00:34:13So, what is it that you would like to most get out of our call today?

00:34:17Uh, can you think of a way that I could approach her?

00:34:20Some, some way that I could, something I could say to, to help mitigate her, her behavior,

00:34:28her cruelty.

00:34:29I mean, what, what sort of thing are you, are you thinking?

00:34:32I, I don't quite understand.

00:34:34Sorry, if I'm being dense, I don't quite understand the question.

00:34:37No, so, so when she's, when she's not angry, uh, I've, I've tried to explain to her why this

00:34:44is bad, why this is not acceptable, why you need to stop.

00:34:46But she seems unable to stop.

00:34:49So, so what, what could I say to her that could make her stop?

00:34:53Should I give up?

00:34:54Is there, is there no hope?

00:34:57So, she's an untreated victim of severe child abuse, right?

00:35:00Have you ever taken treatment, treatment for the, for what you suffered under your mother?

00:35:06Aside from listening to your show?

00:35:07Not really.

00:35:08I mean, you've heard me recommend therapy and blunt conversations with parents about a million

00:35:14times, right?

00:35:15I have.

00:35:16I have, I had the blunt conversation with my father, but my mother, it was a dead end.

00:35:21Okay.

00:35:24So, I'm a little confused and, and just be patient with me as I try to sort of puzzle

00:35:29this out.

00:35:31So, you've listened to my show for over 10 years and I say, you should choose a woman

00:35:36based upon her virtues, not just her looks, right?

00:35:41Yeah.

00:35:42And you choose a woman largely based on her looks.

00:35:45I was not spoiled for choice either, but.

00:35:48I'm sorry?

00:35:49Yeah, I was, I was not spoiled for choice.

00:35:52I would say that I had been single for a long, long time, 10 years.

00:35:55And she was the first woman who, who showed me any serious attention.

00:36:01So, you had been single from 17 to 27?

00:36:07Uh, no, 22 to 32.

00:36:09I guess longer.

00:36:10I've never had to see your score fund.

00:36:12Okay, 22 to 32.

00:36:13And why do you think you were single for that long?

00:36:16Uh, it's hard to say.

00:36:19I'm tall.

00:36:20I'm handsome.

00:36:21Um, I had a stable job.

00:36:24I don't know.

00:36:25I didn't drink alcohol.

00:36:26Nobody invited me to parties.

00:36:28Um, I didn't, I didn't seek, um, I didn't aggressively pursue women at all.

00:36:36Uh, I was very passive in that sense.

00:36:37Sorry, I don't know about aggressively.

00:36:39I said, picture you with a big net or something.

00:36:41I don't know what that means.

00:36:42No, I mean, I didn't, I didn't go up to women and ask them out all the time.

00:36:45You know, I wasn't.

00:36:46Okay.

00:36:47What do you mean by all the time?

00:36:48I don't know what that means.

00:36:49So did you, how many women?

00:36:50I didn't go to any parties.

00:36:51I hated, hated, I hated.

00:36:53Well, okay.

00:36:53Not ever.

00:36:54I did a couple of times and I was rejected and I heard my feelings.

00:36:57And I didn't try again for a long time.

00:36:59And I tried again, same situation, 10 years pass.

00:37:02I tried it.

00:37:03My wife said yes.

00:37:05And she seemed nice.

00:37:07Well, but you knew about her family.

00:37:09I did.

00:37:10So, and you also knew that she hadn't taken any treatment for what you called severe child

00:37:15abuse.

00:37:16Yep.

00:37:17Okay.

00:37:18So were there women that you were, how many women were you attracted to that you didn't

00:37:22ask out?

00:37:24Uh, I don't know.

00:37:26Passively a lot, I guess.

00:37:28Okay.

00:37:29I mean, not none that I knew personally.

00:37:32And with regards to your sexual needs, when you were single, you just masturbated.

00:37:37Is that right?

00:37:38Yeah.

00:37:39And, uh, did you become, uh, perhaps a little over-reliant on pornography?

00:37:44Uh, perhaps.

00:37:46Yeah.

00:37:46Because I mean, if you're single from 22 to 32, that's a lot of not having sex for a young

00:37:54man, right?

00:37:55Yeah.

00:37:55Okay.

00:37:55That's correct.

00:37:56All right.

00:37:58And did any women approach you at all or show clear signals of interest in those 10

00:38:05years?

00:38:06No.

00:38:07Huh.

00:38:08So were there just not women around?

00:38:10Because normally women quite like tall, handsome guys.

00:38:13Yeah.

00:38:13You know, I was in university.

00:38:14I was in things, but no, women did not show me interest.

00:38:18And why do you think?

00:38:20I don't know.

00:38:21Well, why do you think?

00:38:22I didn't ask what you know.

00:38:23Why do you think?

00:38:25I don't know.

00:38:26I think, uh, I have, I have, uh, I suppose I give off a vibe of not being appealing to

00:38:33women.

00:38:34Okay.

00:38:35That's, that's begging the question.

00:38:37I understand.

00:38:38Why didn't women ask you out?

00:38:39Well, they didn't find me attractive.

00:38:40It's like, yes, I understand that.

00:38:42But why did they not find a tall, handsome man attractive?

00:38:45I don't know.

00:38:46I have no idea.

00:38:47It, it, I thought they should, but they didn't.

00:38:52Okay.

00:38:52So what, when you were younger, what was the value of women for you?

00:38:59What did you find valuable or useful or helpful about them?

00:39:04Uh, very little.

00:39:06I was, uh, I was a, I was a, like a college atheist, you know, wannabe intellectual, fancied

00:39:12myself, you know, I was just living in my head all the time, you know, I wasn't interested

00:39:17in, in material things at the time, you know, I've grown up since, but, uh, for example,

00:39:26at the time I would have, I would have never wanted children at all.

00:39:29Uh, so, so I, I, I would have never been, if a woman had approached me, especially in

00:39:35my early twenties and with, with an interest in starting a family or being in a serious

00:39:39relationship, I wouldn't have known, I would have rejected, almost certainly, unless I would

00:39:44have, you know, fallen in love or been swayed, but I'm not sure what you mean when you say

00:39:49I was not into material things.

00:39:50Like, I guess technically women are material objects, but, uh, they're actually, you know,

00:39:55minds and thoughts and virtues and values.

00:39:57No, that's, that's correct.

00:39:58Okay.

00:39:59So you didn't particularly like women?

00:40:01No.

00:40:03No, I, I, I, sorry, I've never had an interesting conversation with a woman.

00:40:07Okay.

00:40:07And why do you think you didn't like talking to women?

00:40:11They didn't seem to have interesting things to say most of the time.

00:40:15Well, it's a little hard to tell if you're not talking to them, isn't it?

00:40:18I mean, there were some classmates and, and, and stuff when I was in university, but, but,

00:40:23uh, uh, yeah.

00:40:27Uh, I guess you're right.

00:40:28I don't know.

00:40:29I didn't have a big sample size, you know?

00:40:31Did you think that women you talked to weren't interesting or do you think that women as a

00:40:39whole weren't interesting?

00:40:41Well, I thought women, uh, if you had asked me then I would have said that women are exactly

00:40:46the same as men, all the same mental faculties there, you know, can easily be born into the

00:40:51wrong body.

00:40:52There's no functional difference.

00:40:54Probably couldn't have convinced you of the physical strength thing, but, but I was about

00:40:58as far as you could go and the women are the same as men direction.

00:41:01Oh, okay.

00:41:02So for you, it wasn't that women had nothing of interest to say.

00:41:06It's that all people, everyone, or nobody had anything of interest to say, men or women.

00:41:12Very few at least.

00:41:14Well, hang on, hang on.

00:41:15If men and women are the same and very few men or women have things of interest to say,

00:41:21then there are some women who would have interesting things to say, right?

00:41:25Yeah, I think so.

00:41:26Okay.

00:41:26So why wouldn't you try and find those women?

00:41:29Um, same reason I didn't try to find those men.

00:41:31Um, I, I don't know, I had one close friend who I'd known since I was in like almost kindergarten.

00:41:39Other than that, I didn't really socialize much.

00:41:43Oh, so you didn't like people as a whole?

00:41:45No.

00:41:46And you didn't think, so when you were younger, out of a hundred people, how many, a hundred

00:41:51adults, how many did you think would be interesting or have interesting things to say?

00:41:57Practically zero.

00:41:58Okay, but it's, you said a few.

00:41:59I try often with my, yeah, well, you know, like I said, my one friend and every now and

00:42:04then in university, I would, I would meet someone and have an interesting conversation.

00:42:08Uh, I would, I would try at family parties, you know, Christmas parties and such to, to

00:42:13engage people in conversation and it usually, you know, never went anywhere.

00:42:18And sorry, you'd mentioned something about El Salvador.

00:42:20Is that where you grew up?

00:42:22No, no, no.

00:42:23It's just, uh, you know, a place to go if, if things go to shit, you know?

00:42:27Um, which country did you grow up in?

00:42:29I grew up in Iceland.

00:42:31In Iceland, okay.

00:42:32I mean, from what I know about Iceland, it's a pretty smart population, highly atheist,

00:42:38but also quite conformist.

00:42:40Yeah.

00:42:41Which tends to be the case in harsh conditions and a relatively small population, right?

00:42:45Yeah.

00:42:46Okay.

00:42:47So, did you go to school in Iceland as well?

00:42:50Yes.

00:42:51Okay.

00:42:52So, you couldn't find anybody who was interesting?

00:42:57Uh, no.

00:42:59All right.

00:43:00Now, looking back, do you think it's because you had some vanity or that there really weren't

00:43:07interesting people around?

00:43:08No, I think it was my problem.

00:43:09Because since, since I've gotten over my, uh, my moodiness, or I guess much of it, hopefully

00:43:18most of it.

00:43:19Well, your general hatred of mankind.

00:43:21Your general contempt and hatred for mankind.

00:43:24Yeah.

00:43:24That's, that's gone now.

00:43:25I've, I've nothing but love for my fellow man now.

00:43:27And most people I find are very interesting when you actually engage them at, and I don't

00:43:32want to say their level, but you know, in their, in their field.

00:43:35Okay.

00:43:36And when did that change occur?

00:43:38Uh, honestly, I'd have to think it was a, it was a funny thing that, uh, I, I had been

00:43:44surrounded by left-wing thought my entire life.

00:43:48My grandmother is a, like, was like a union activist.

00:43:51She grew up on a farm without electricity.

00:43:54And anyway, long story short, I had grown up surrounded by left-wing thought my entire

00:43:59life, but, but I had been taught to respect critical thinking and challenging your beliefs.

00:44:05And I believed that.

00:44:07So I figured, okay, so let's try to surround myself by right-wing thought for a little

00:44:12while and see if, see if my thinking holds up.

00:44:14So I thought of the most right-wing person I could imagine, came up with Ann Coulter,

00:44:19Googled an interview with her, which was, happened to be Ben Shapiro interviewing Ann

00:44:22Coulter somewhere.

00:44:24And that led me down a whole rabbit hole, which led to Jordan Peterson, who convinced

00:44:28me to have kids.

00:44:29And I think Jordan Peterson led me to you and you essentially just kicked in the door

00:44:34of philosophy and, and the proper moral thinking.

00:44:39Okay.

00:44:39So 10 years ago, you found me, but before that you had spent some time with Ann Coulter and

00:44:47Jordan Peterson and so on.

00:44:49And in that process, you began to find that people were interesting.

00:44:54Yes.

00:44:55Once I, I became, uh, once I became a right-wing person, my, my whole frame of mind changed.

00:45:04I started liking children.

00:45:07Okay.

00:45:07And this was years before you met your, your, uh, your wife.

00:45:11Uh, it was a process that took years, which was culminating before I met my wife.

00:45:15Uh, okay.

00:45:17So you were starting to find people interesting before you met your wife.

00:45:22Yes.

00:45:23And I had the courage to ask her.

00:45:24Okay.

00:45:25Got it.

00:45:26So when you said earlier, you didn't have a lot of choices.

00:45:31And again, I'm not trying to nag your English and I, I'm very impressed by people who speak

00:45:35more than one language.

00:45:36So don't take this any negative way, but it wasn't that you didn't have a lot of choice,

00:45:43which sounds passive, like there just weren't any women around.

00:45:46You were, I don't know, in a monastery or a Buddhist monk or something like that, but

00:45:51you, uh, didn't like people and didn't find them interesting because you had vanity and

00:45:56a sense of superiority or something like that.

00:45:59Yeah.

00:45:59And so you rejected people.

00:46:01It wasn't that you didn't have choice.

00:46:03It's just that you rejected people.

00:46:05Yeah.

00:46:06Yeah.

00:46:07Okay.

00:46:08Got it.

00:46:09Okay.

00:46:09So then you go through the process of liking people and then you meet your wife and then

00:46:15she says yes.

00:46:16And then you go forward.

00:46:19And how long did you live together?

00:46:22I guess you did because you got engaged and, and then had a baby.

00:46:27So how long after you met, did you live together?

00:46:30Well, very shortly.

00:46:31I got two months, I think.

00:46:33Okay.

00:46:34And what do you think Ann Coulter and Jordan Peterson and myself would say about being

00:46:40single for 10 years and then moving in together in two months?

00:46:47Well, they'd say you're not getting any younger.

00:46:49Get on with it.

00:46:50No, they wouldn't.

00:46:51What would they say?

00:46:53Well, be careful.

00:46:55Okay.

00:46:55Why would they, what would they, would they say slow down?

00:46:59Uh, I don't know.

00:47:01Yeah.

00:47:02Would they?

00:47:03Okay.

00:47:04Let me ask you this.

00:47:05How long after you met your wife, did you have sex?

00:47:08Uh, two months, I think.

00:47:10Oh, okay.

00:47:11So you didn't have sex until you moved in together?

00:47:14No.

00:47:14Uh, shortly before we moved in together.

00:47:16Okay.

00:47:17Got it.

00:47:17Now, do you know why it's not wise to move in together very quickly?

00:47:22Um, no.

00:47:24Well, because you end up blending your lives together before you have seen the person in

00:47:32a variety of situations and thus have the ability to genuinely trust them.

00:47:39Right.

00:47:39Because you join your lives together and you don't know if that person is mature and wise

00:47:46and trustworthy and stable.

00:47:49Yeah.

00:47:50So that's why it's important not to move in together too quickly.

00:47:54And of course, why it's important also not to have sex too quickly, because then you,

00:47:58your bodies merge together prior to there being established and sustainable trust.

00:48:06Right.

00:48:07But, uh, if you'll allow me to disagree for a moment, uh, I would, I, I, I thought at

00:48:13the time and I still think that moving in together is a good way to get to know someone.

00:48:18You know, it's one thing to see them on a date time to time.

00:48:20It's easy to be on your best behavior for an hour or two, but, uh, living together is

00:48:25a whole different situation.

00:48:26And if that turns out not good, you can just move out.

00:48:29Well, do you know that couples who live together before they get married break up considerably

00:48:34more often?

00:48:36I did not know that.

00:48:37Oh, okay.

00:48:37It's true.

00:48:38I mean, you can, you can look it up.

00:48:40And there's a variety of reasons for that, mostly to do with deferring gratification.

00:48:44So, uh, your theory is that if you live for someone, I guess for two years before you

00:48:50had a son, give or take, that you end up knowing her very well.

00:48:56Yes.

00:48:57But you were wrong about that.

00:48:59Yeah.

00:49:00So, so your theory that you're going to know someone very well is not,

00:49:04not true because you didn't know about the rage issues she had with children.

00:49:09No.

00:49:10Okay.

00:49:11Now, did you spend much time with her family?

00:49:14No.

00:49:15They live in a different country.

00:49:16We went to visit them once.

00:49:19Uh, and yeah, well, we don't speak the same language.

00:49:23So we, communication was slow and difficult, but, uh, but yeah, her mother's, is, uh, is

00:49:30not good.

00:49:31She is not a good person.

00:49:33She is a vicious child abuser.

00:49:35Well, mostly unrepentant, somewhat repentant with caveats.

00:49:41I would say it doesn't count, but, uh, you know, must be said.

00:49:45And which country does her mother live in?

00:49:48Poland.

00:49:49Poland.

00:49:49Okay.

00:49:49Got it.

00:49:50Yeah.

00:49:51All right.

00:49:52Poor country village in Poland.

00:49:54And did you see your wife around children at all before you decided to have children?

00:50:01Very little.

00:50:02Okay.

00:50:03There are no children in my family, really.

00:50:05All right.

00:50:06And did you have conversations with your wife prior to having children about how you wanted

00:50:13to raise children?

00:50:14Yes.

00:50:15Okay.

00:50:17And I assume it was peaceful parenting, that kind of stuff.

00:50:20Yep.

00:50:21Exactly.

00:50:21And did she agree with that?

00:50:23Before we moved in.

00:50:24Yeah.

00:50:24I talked about all those things before we moved in.

00:50:26Okay.

00:50:27And she agreed to not scream at the children.

00:50:30Yes.

00:50:31And that's why you had children with her.

00:50:34Yep.

00:50:35One of the main reasons.

00:50:36Okay.

00:50:37So, why is she comfortable with breaking the most important promise she's made in her

00:50:42entire life, repeatedly, once a day, sometimes once a week?

00:50:45Why is she comfortable breaking her word, the most important promise she ever made?

00:50:52Well, she would say she's not comfortable with it.

00:50:54She would like very much to stop doing it.

00:50:57Well, she made the promise not to do it.

00:51:01Yep.

00:51:01Okay.

00:51:02So, let's say, I assume that you made the promise to be a monogamist.

00:51:06Yep.

00:51:06I did.

00:51:07And if you slept with another woman every week, what would your wife say?

00:51:11She would be very upset.

00:51:13And if you said, well, I feel bad about it, and I want to change, but you didn't change,

00:51:18would she accept that?

00:51:20Nope.

00:51:21Okay.

00:51:21She would not.

00:51:22So, why wouldn't she accept that, if you just said, you know, I find it too hard to

00:51:27keep my promise?

00:51:29Well, because it would be clearly a lie.

00:51:32No, no.

00:51:33It is too hard to keep your promise.

00:51:35That's why you sleep with the other women in this scenario.

00:51:37So, it's not a lie.

00:51:38It is too hard to keep your promise of staying faithful or being monogamous.

00:51:43Well, yeah, but in that case, cheating requires a level of calculation that losing your temper

00:51:49for a minute does not.

00:51:51So?

00:51:52Well, so that, you know, if I was cheating all the time and saying I'm trying hard not

00:51:57to, I could clearly be lying.

00:52:00Okay.

00:52:01Let's say it was going to prostitutes, which is a whole lot easier than cheating, right?

00:52:05You just go out and you spend your money and do whatever it is, right?

00:52:08So, or let's say it's online gambling, which is also very easy, or whatever it's going

00:52:13to be, right?

00:52:13It doesn't have to be, right?

00:52:15So?

00:52:15Online gambling is a closer analog, I would say.

00:52:19Okay.

00:52:20Except online gambling doesn't harm your son, but okay.

00:52:23So, let's say that you're blowing...

00:52:25If I gambled away all his money?

00:52:26I'm sorry?

00:52:27So, we have some savings, and if I gambled away all his savings, and we're saving up

00:52:31for him, that would damage him.

00:52:33Well, not emotionally directly.

00:52:36Well, not emotionally directly.

00:52:38Okay.

00:52:38So, let's say that we shifted to online gambling, and you said, although you didn't

00:52:43make a vow about that, right?

00:52:45You didn't make a promise about that before getting married, did you?

00:52:48So, it needs to be something that you made a promise about.

00:52:51And so, cheating is the best.

00:52:53It is the best, right?

00:52:54So, let's say that it was easy for you to cheat.

00:52:58You're a tall, good-looking guy, and there's dating apps, and you can arrange for, to go have

00:53:03sex in women's cars, or, well, I don't know, whatever.

00:53:05Make something up, right?

00:53:06And so, if you did this once a week or once a month, she would be very upset with you.

00:53:13Yeah.

00:53:13Then you would say, well, I mean, I did make a vow, but I can't keep it, really.

00:53:19I want to keep it.

00:53:20I feel bad afterwards, but I keep doing it.

00:53:22Would she say, that's acceptable?

00:53:25No.

00:53:25Okay.

00:53:26And what do you think she would do if you were cheating on her every week?

00:53:30She would divorce me, probably.

00:53:32Okay.

00:53:33Although, that also doesn't directly harm your son.

00:53:37Cheating?

00:53:38Yeah.

00:53:39No.

00:53:39Not directly.

00:53:41So, she would divorce you if you broke your word to her about monogamy.

00:53:48So, she has broken her word to you about peaceful parenting, right?

00:53:53Yeah.

00:53:54Okay.

00:53:55So, what should your response be, do you think?

00:53:58Well, I'm not going to divorce her.

00:54:00And I don't think that is correct in this situation.

00:54:03Which is why I suggested online gambling would be preferable.

00:54:07I don't think she would divorce me immediately if I had a problem with online gambling.

00:54:12Okay.

00:54:12So, let's say that the online gambling lasted for three years and showed no signs.

00:54:18Maybe it got a little bit better, but you were almost out of money.

00:54:22Then what?

00:54:24Well, if I still kept making just enough money to keep our heads above water,

00:54:29and the problem never got to the point where it required immediate attention,

00:54:32then probably she'd limp on.

00:54:35Okay.

00:54:35But she'd be mad at you, right?

00:54:36Because the alternative, yeah, she'd be very mad.

00:54:38But in that situation, yeah, she would feel terrible.

00:54:41She would be mad.

00:54:41She would feel trapped.

00:54:43And that leaving me would probably be worse for our children than staying.

00:54:48Okay.

00:54:49Which is essentially the situation I find myself in.

00:54:52Because, like I said, as bad as this screaming is,

00:54:58I think she does make up for it by being a mother.

00:55:00I think being without a mother, growing up in a broken home with parents hating each other is probably worse.

00:55:06Okay.

00:55:06She would get some hesitation, right?

00:55:07I'd say, no, there's no, there's nothing like, no, I'd have to abduct the children and move them to a

00:55:13non-extradition country to get them away from her, you know?

00:55:16Right.

00:55:17Yeah.

00:55:18Obviously, I don't know what you should do.

00:55:19I'm just, I'm just curious.

00:55:22We're here to figure it out together.

00:55:23Yeah.

00:55:24I appreciate your input.

00:55:25Okay.

00:55:26So, what is the relationship like between your son and his mother?

00:55:30When you're not screaming very good.

00:55:32He hugs her, he kisses her, loves her all the time.

00:55:34They play together more creatively than I can ever come up with.

00:55:38She makes clever toys and they walk the dog together every day and they have fun in the snow and

00:55:47it's very pleasant.

00:55:50When she can control her emotions, when she's having a good week, she's having enough sleep, then she's just an

00:55:55angel.

00:55:56Okay.

00:55:58So, it doesn't appear to, from what you describe, you don't see that the screaming at him for years has

00:56:06harmed their relationship.

00:56:08No, but it has harmed his behavior, like you said, because he has anger problems of his own.

00:56:13He throws tantrums, I don't know, I guess children throw tantrums, but it seems like it's a quick tactic for

00:56:21him.

00:56:21Children throw tantrums when they're not listened to.

00:56:24Yeah.

00:56:26Oh, that's, when they're not listened to.

00:56:28Yeah.

00:56:29Children don't mind it if you say no, as long as they really feel that you've listened to them.

00:56:34If they feel snapped at and they're not even being listened to, then they tend to escalate, but not because

00:56:39they're not getting what they want, but because they're not being listened to.

00:56:43It's an interesting observation.

00:56:44He does much less with me, the tantrum thing, and I tend to listen to him a lot more.

00:56:49Oh, so he has tantrums with his mother.

00:56:52Oh, yeah, well, also with me, but less.

00:56:53Yeah, more with his mother.

00:56:54Yeah, yes, more with his mother.

00:56:56And how often does he have tantrums?

00:56:58Every day.

00:56:59Every day he has a tantrum?

00:57:01Yeah.

00:57:02Gosh.

00:57:03And how often do the tantrums last?

00:57:05Uh, five minutes.

00:57:08Ten minutes at the worst.

00:57:10And he's like on the ground, crying and screaming and kicking his feet.

00:57:14Yeah, well, the crying and screaming and kicking on the ground doesn't last more than a minute or two, but

00:57:19then he'll be sulking and like, saying, don't talk to me.

00:57:22And like, that is his phrase, don't talk to me.

00:57:26Okay, so aside from your wife screaming at your son and your son throwing a tantrum every day, their relationship

00:57:32is good.

00:57:34Yeah.

00:57:35Does that seem odd to you?

00:57:38No, it's bad.

00:57:40No, no, but you said that she's an angel and their relationship, they go play, they walk the dog, they

00:57:44play together in ways, imaginative ways that you couldn't imagine.

00:57:48And, yeah, she's an angel and they get along well, you said.

00:57:52Yeah, well, like I said, on a good day, the tantrums don't cause angry problems with her.

00:57:57She deals with it calmly and she listens and, yeah, when she's in a good, I guess, mood, she deals

00:58:08with his tantrums expressly.

00:58:10Now, your mother yelled at you and so on, and was your relationship with your mother when you were a

00:58:17child good?

00:58:18No.

00:58:19Well, sorry, go ahead.

00:58:22No, but if you'd asked me, I would have said, yes, I'm a mama's boy, I will do everything for

00:58:27my mother.

00:58:27You know how sons of single mothers are.

00:58:30That's what I would have said at the time, it took some reflection to realize how bad it was, you

00:58:34know.

00:58:35Okay, so do you think it's possible that your son is going through the same thing that you went through,

00:58:41which is thinking the relationship is good when it's not?

00:58:44Yes, absolutely.

00:58:45Okay, sorry, I'm really confused here because you just said the relationship was really good and now you're saying maybe

00:58:49it's not.

00:58:50Yeah, maybe it's not, but like I said, when she is calm, it's good.

00:58:55So if I could just keep her calm, then it could be good.

00:58:59So when she's calm, it's good.

00:59:03Yes.

00:59:03So do you think that children live almost like jellyfish, like in just this blur of the now and that

00:59:11when they're screamed at, it just goes away?

00:59:15Is that what you experienced with your mother?

00:59:17She'd scream at you, but then she'd be nice and it would be like she never screamed at you?

00:59:20No, it's not at all.

00:59:24So when you were screamed at, how long did the negative effects last for you?

00:59:30To this day.

00:59:31Okay, so how is it that your son is able to ignore being screamed at, but you couldn't?

00:59:36He's not.

00:59:37That's harming him.

00:59:38Okay, but you said their relationship is good.

00:59:42Yes.

00:59:44Oh, yeah.

00:59:46How is your son with others?

00:59:48He's good.

00:59:49Very good.

00:59:50A bit shy, but very good.

00:59:51He plays well with other kids.

00:59:53Okay.

00:59:54And did your wife stay home with your son throughout his life?

01:00:00Yes.

01:00:01Okay.

01:00:02And is your son going to go into education or daycare or are you homeschooling or how is that going

01:00:10to go?

01:00:11So he recently started kindergarten for half a day because, like I said, there's no children in our family, really.

01:00:20And we figured he should at least play with some children.

01:00:23So we found a good kindergarten.

01:00:25We signed him up from 8 to 12.

01:00:27And he seemed to be doing very well there.

01:00:31Okay, so there's no, other than the tantrums, I assume he doesn't throw the tantrums at the daycare, is that

01:00:36right?

01:00:37A lot of them we're aware of, no.

01:00:38Okay.

01:00:40So, other than the tantrums, you haven't noticed any negative behavior from your son?

01:00:49Um, no.

01:00:50No, basically just the tantrums.

01:00:53Okay.

01:00:53So, I guess he could like his sister more.

01:00:55He's not totally thrilled with his little sister.

01:00:58He's jealous is not the word, but he doesn't want to play with her.

01:01:02He doesn't want to, you know, he doesn't want to interact with her very much.

01:01:06Well, his mother taught him that babies are often an annoyance, right?

01:01:10Yeah.

01:01:11So, that's how she acted with him, to some degree, right?

01:01:14Yeah.

01:01:15The funny thing is, when we're not, like when we're asking him to play with her, when we're trying to

01:01:21encourage him, he refuses.

01:01:23But, when he's up to his own devices, and she's like playing on her mat or something, he will go

01:01:28play with her often.

01:01:30Like on his own accord.

01:01:32He just doesn't like to be pushed to it.

01:01:34Okay.

01:01:35So, your son is almost four, and by five, his personality is largely complete.

01:01:41Oof.

01:01:43Right.

01:01:44Now, you said it's getting better.

01:01:45So, how often did the screaming used to be, and how often is it now?

01:01:50Every day.

01:01:51Now, once a week.

01:01:53Okay.

01:01:53So, I mean, that's considerably better, right?

01:01:56Yeah.

01:01:57Although, when I booked the meeting, she was having a bad week.

01:02:00So, that was at least four in the week.

01:02:03But that's a seven-fold increase.

01:02:07That's a 700% improvement, right?

01:02:09From once a day to once a week.

01:02:11And like I said, she repents every time.

01:02:14Seemingly, honestly, I don't know.

01:02:15It's, I suppose I'm not the greatest judge of character, but.

01:02:19No, but then, whatever you're doing is working, right?

01:02:23I mean, she has, from a year to, she has, in less than three years, gone from once a day

01:02:34to once a week.

01:02:35Yeah.

01:02:37On average, yeah.

01:02:38I mean, it's not, not fantastic, but it's pretty good, wouldn't you say?

01:02:42Yeah.

01:02:43I'd say it's a definite improvement.

01:02:45Okay, so.

01:02:45I was hoping I'd have more time than until five, but.

01:02:47I'm sorry?

01:02:48I was hoping I would have more time than until he's five years old, but.

01:02:53Um.

01:02:54I guess I have to get a move on.

01:02:56And is it still improving in the same, at the same speed?

01:03:00Yes.

01:03:01Uh, there was a big backlash with the second baby, because.

01:03:05It was, again, more triggers for, for becoming angry.

01:03:10And, sorry, how old is your daughter?

01:03:11Being tired, basically.

01:03:12Uh, she's almost eight months now.

01:03:14I guess eight months, yeah.

01:03:14She's eight months.

01:03:15Okay.

01:03:15So, it was getting better for a while.

01:03:18How's it been in the eight months?

01:03:20Uh, it, it got worse when she was born, because, uh, and then it started getting better again.

01:03:27And worse, was that back to once a day or something else?

01:03:30No.

01:03:31No, not quite once a day.

01:03:33Like a couple of times a week?

01:03:34Yeah, yeah.

01:03:35I couldn't give you an exact average over that time, but.

01:03:38Yeah, from, from, from when.

01:03:39When she was zero to about four months, it was, it was more severe.

01:03:43But now it's, it's, it's been getting better again.

01:03:46So, why do you think.

01:03:48Why do you think you've waited until it's getting a lot better, rather than call me when it was really

01:03:53bad?

01:03:54Oh, I didn't think I had exactly the option of calling you.

01:03:57I just noticed that you had open bookings for call-on shows and grabbed the opportunity.

01:04:02Sorry, I don't understand.

01:04:03You've been listening to my show for over, over 10 years.

01:04:06You said you've listened to hundreds.

01:04:07Well, yeah, not every day.

01:04:08Hang on, hang on.

01:04:09You said you've listened to hundreds of call-in shows.

01:04:11Yeah.

01:04:13So, what do you mean you didn't know you could call me?

01:04:16Oh, all right.

01:04:16That's, that's not correct.

01:04:18Uh, I knew I could call you.

01:04:20I could have booked a call.

01:04:22But, I never did.

01:04:24And then I saw you advertised actively.

01:04:28Come call me.

01:04:29Let's have a chat.

01:04:30And so I, I booked.

01:04:32Um, that doesn't answer the question though.

01:04:35You're listening to call-in shows.

01:04:37Yeah.

01:04:37You know I do call-in shows.

01:04:39I do live streams all the time.

01:04:41Why do you think you waited for years until it was much better before calling me?

01:04:49Um, I don't know.

01:04:52I guess I thought I could do it by myself.

01:04:55Well, and you have-

01:04:55I could solve the problem all alone.

01:04:56But you have to some degree, if I understand this correctly, because it's gone-

01:05:00Yeah.

01:05:01...much better than when your son was a year.

01:05:04Yeah.

01:05:05Okay, so whatever you're doing is improving the situation, and you say you don't have any

01:05:09money for therapy.

01:05:10I mean, you have money for daycare, but you don't have money for therapy?

01:05:13Oh, no.

01:05:13Daycare is free, so.

01:05:15Oh, like tax paid, right?

01:05:16Yeah, yeah.

01:05:17And I guess you can get into Bitcoin.

01:05:19You know, might as well get something fun.

01:05:20Yeah, yeah.

01:05:20Okay.

01:05:21I did get into Bitcoin, but not early enough.

01:05:23Okay.

01:05:24Well, you know, early enough, but I didn't have any money to spend on it, so.

01:05:28Right.

01:05:28Okay.

01:05:30So, I think I understand.

01:05:31So, your question is, do I have any, and I don't mean to say magic like I'm being sarcastic,

01:05:35but do I have any special phrases that can prevent your wife from screaming at your son?

01:05:42Yes, and you've already given me a few, so this call is already dead productive.

01:05:46The eczema angle is a good one.

01:05:47Maybe that'll be an extra hook to help her manage herself.

01:05:52Okay, so she's not angry at your son.

01:05:54She's angry at her parents.

01:05:56Yeah, for sure.

01:05:57I've told her that many times.

01:05:58Okay.

01:05:59So, why don't you arrange a call with her parents where they can talk it out?

01:06:04Well, they came to visit us on this Christmas, and she tried talking it out with her mother,

01:06:11with very much the same results as when I tried to talk to my mother.

01:06:14And were you there for that conversation?

01:06:16Yes.

01:06:17And her mother shut her down?

01:06:20Well, we'll not shut her down.

01:06:21She just became upset and screaming and, like, just sulkingly went to her room, and that was the end of

01:06:28it.

01:06:29I'm sorry, they were staying at your place?

01:06:31Yes.

01:06:31Why did you kick her out?

01:06:33I wanted to, but my wife convinced me we couldn't just throw them out.

01:06:38They don't have any money, and...

01:06:40December in Iceland, so...

01:06:43Well, then they shouldn't be treating you like garbage, then, should they?

01:06:46If they're dependent upon your kindness.

01:06:49No, that is correct.

01:06:50So, the only person who's being treated harshly here is the little baby, the little toddler.

01:06:57Yep.

01:06:58Everyone else, well, we've got to be careful.

01:07:00Oh, it's cold, and they don't have a lot of money, and...

01:07:03Right?

01:07:04So, everyone gets consideration, and that little toddler boy gets screamed at.

01:07:09That is fucked up.

01:07:11Yeah.

01:07:13And that's why he's getting screamed at.

01:07:15If somebody were to be in my house and scream at my wife, they would not finish that scream before

01:07:22I toss them out on the front fucking lawn.

01:07:25Yeah.

01:07:26So, how could you stand by and watch this old hag scream at your wife?

01:07:32Well, I'm sorry.

01:07:33I wasn't there for the screaming.

01:07:35I was there for the aftermath.

01:07:37I'm sorry.

01:07:37I asked if you were there for the conversation.

01:07:39But, yeah, no.

01:07:41I was not there directly for that exact conversation.

01:07:44Okay, why not?

01:07:45I went to the store and she won't.

01:07:46Why weren't you there?

01:07:49Well, it wasn't my idea to have the conversation.

01:07:54My wife had said she had already had this conversation with her mother before.

01:07:58And, like I said, when I mentioned before that her mother was a source of repentance,

01:08:04her mother says she feels bad about it and regrets it.

01:08:06But then she also says, like, oh, that's how I was raised.

01:08:09That's how everybody did it.

01:08:10So, yeah, not exactly.

01:08:14Okay, so where were you?

01:08:16Hang on.

01:08:16So, were you there for any part of the conversation?

01:08:19No.

01:08:20When I came to the aftermath, she was talking.

01:08:22And I'm sorry.

01:08:23I thought you were home.

01:08:25No.

01:08:26I went to the store.

01:08:27My wife tried to talk to her mother.

01:08:31And then when I came back, the conversation was over.

01:08:36Okay.

01:08:36So, your wife says my mother screamed at me.

01:08:39No, not right.

01:08:40I asked her, you know, will she come for dinner?

01:08:43She said no.

01:08:43You know, we tried to talk and, you know, yeah, it didn't go well.

01:08:47She shut me down.

01:08:49Okay.

01:08:49So, then you go up.

01:08:50Do you speak the language of, you don't speak your mother-in-law's language?

01:08:55Not very well.

01:08:56Okay.

01:08:57So, you asked your wife and said she didn't go very well.

01:09:00Okay, what happened?

01:09:01Well, she ended up screaming at me and running to her room.

01:09:04Yeah.

01:09:05So, then you tell her to get out.

01:09:08To apologize to your wife or get out.

01:09:13That way, you're not kicking her out.

01:09:14She's choosing to leave.

01:09:16Yeah.

01:09:18Well, then she would have just apologized.

01:09:19Okay.

01:09:20But it has to be sincere.

01:09:21It has to be real.

01:09:22And then the conversation has, hang on.

01:09:24It has to be real.

01:09:25It has to be sincere.

01:09:26And then the conversation has to resume and continue.

01:09:29Yeah.

01:09:30Yeah.

01:09:30There you go.

01:09:31Yeah.

01:09:32All right.

01:09:32So, maybe that's an angle.

01:09:33Resolve the issue.

01:09:34It's not an angle.

01:09:35It's that if your wife is going to be tough, be tough with the adults.

01:09:40Don't scream at the children.

01:09:41That's pathetic.

01:09:42That's cowardly.

01:09:43And it's being a bully.

01:09:44True.

01:09:45Yeah.

01:09:45So, if she's going to get angry at people who misbehave, how about her mother who screams

01:09:52at her and runs out of the room like a toddler?

01:09:55How about getting angry at her and having some standards for her?

01:09:59Is that not a much more serious form of misbehaving than your son crawling around on the floor or

01:10:06trying to climb a chair?

01:10:08Yeah, it is.

01:10:09So, your wife is very tough with a little toddler and then very cowardly, as are you,

01:10:16frankly, with her mother.

01:10:18Yeah.

01:10:19So, that's terrible.

01:10:22I agree.

01:10:22We haven't talked to her since.

01:10:24She will not be invited back.

01:10:26That's some consolation.

01:10:29And this was Christmas?

01:10:30Yeah.

01:10:31They came home for Christmas.

01:10:32How long did she stay with you after the incident?

01:10:36Zero days.

01:10:37She was gone the next morning.

01:10:38And is that when she was supposed to leave?

01:10:40Yeah, yeah.

01:10:41I was replying back home.

01:10:43And how long was she with you for?

01:10:45Uh, was it four days?

01:10:47Five days?

01:10:48And she was an unrepentant child abuser before she came?

01:10:52Partially repentant child abuser.

01:10:54Well, not that repentant if she screamed at your wife.

01:10:58Yeah.

01:10:58Well, you know, she was, she had been horrible the whole trip.

01:11:02You know, she was, you know, my wife didn't start with this.

01:11:06The reason she, she initiated that conversation was that, that, um, she had been very just cold and distant the

01:11:15whole trip.

01:11:15Like, she, she barely left her room.

01:11:17She didn't want to come visit tourist attractions.

01:11:19She, she just.

01:11:20Quite.

01:11:21She, hang on.

01:11:21She came from Poland to you and stayed in her room?

01:11:24Uh, yeah.

01:11:26More or less.

01:11:27Wow.

01:11:27So her husband, my wife's stepfather, uh, who, who she met when, when my wife was a teenager, uh, he

01:11:36was wonderful.

01:11:37He was a model grandpa.

01:11:38He was playing with a boy all the time.

01:11:40You know, whenever, you know, he was never alone with him.

01:11:43Whenever he was playing with him, he would, he would give me glances occasionally to make sure that it's okay.

01:11:48That's what he's doing, you know, totally respectful, but she would just sulk in a corner and, and, and barely

01:11:54participate.

01:11:55She wouldn't even come for dinner a couple of nights.

01:11:58Hmm.

01:11:59So, which is why my wife, uh, wanted to talk to her.

01:12:03Like, you know, she was expecting her to come in and, you know, play the grandma, but, um, she didn't.

01:12:09And so my wife talked to her and that conversation escalated into the past and then screaming and then shut

01:12:14down.

01:12:14Hmm.

01:12:15There you go.

01:12:17Hmm.

01:12:18Well, if you want your wife to listen to you, you have to be a leader and you have to

01:12:22protect her.

01:12:23Yeah.

01:12:25And I mean, you didn't do much about your wife being attacked by her mother under your roof.

01:12:31No, I did not.

01:12:33So you got to be a superhero here, bro.

01:12:36Yeah.

01:12:37I mean, do you know how amazing it is?

01:12:40Imagine if, if someone had stood up against your mother.

01:12:44Yeah.

01:12:44Imagine how you would have felt about that.

01:12:47Yeah.

01:12:48Oh, once I was old enough, I probably would have attacked them.

01:12:51Well, you're old enough now.

01:12:54Hey, uh, and even if you would have attacked them, you would have appreciated it later.

01:12:58You would have appreciated it later.

01:13:00No, you're right.

01:13:00So, you need to be very strong to protect your wife from all negative influences.

01:13:09Yeah.

01:13:10And no one gets to disrespect your wife without you saying a lot about it.

01:13:17Yeah.

01:13:19I personally would have told her to leave that night.

01:13:23Yeah.

01:13:24And if she has to sleep at the airport, then she has to sleep at the airport.

01:13:28I don't care.

01:13:29You don't treat the mother of my children that way.

01:13:32Yeah.

01:13:34I didn't see it that, that severely at the time.

01:13:37Perhaps I should have.

01:13:39Well, you want your wife to listen to you.

01:13:40So, you have to have some credibility and authority with her, right?

01:13:44But if you let her be disrespected in your home, how much credibility and authority do

01:13:50you have with your wife?

01:13:51Yeah.

01:13:52No, you're right.

01:13:53I just thought it was like mothers and daughters fighting.

01:13:57Okay.

01:13:57So, you don't believe in what I say about men to provide and protect.

01:14:01No, no.

01:14:02You're right.

01:14:03No, no.

01:14:03No.

01:14:03Hang on.

01:14:04This is what you said.

01:14:05Hang on.

01:14:05So, this is the funny thing is that you keep thinking, you keep not taking any advice of

01:14:10mine, but then you call me up for advice.

01:14:12Do you understand?

01:14:13It's kind of baffling to me because I've given all of this advice a million times and you obviously

01:14:20don't believe it, which is fine.

01:14:21I mean, it's not like you have to believe what I say, but then I don't understand why

01:14:25you're calling for advice.

01:14:26If you think that I'm wrong about everything or about a lot of things, I'm not sure why

01:14:31you would call me for advice.

01:14:32All right.

01:14:34Well, I mean, I say you need to vet for virtue and you don't really vet for virtue.

01:14:39And then you say, well, I didn't have a lot of choice.

01:14:41And it turns out, no, no, it's because you were very hostile to people around you.

01:14:45So, it was you who was taking away your own choice, right?

01:14:49And then I say, you should get married before you live together.

01:14:53And I've said that forever and ever.

01:14:55Amen.

01:14:56And you decide to move in within two months.

01:14:59I say, you shouldn't move too fast and you move fast.

01:15:02And then I say, you should vet people's families and you don't really speak the language and

01:15:06it doesn't really matter to you that her mother is horrible.

01:15:08And I say, you shouldn't have children with untreated victims of severe child abuse unless

01:15:14they've gone through significant therapy first and you decide to do all of that.

01:15:17So, that's, you understand, I could go on and on, right?

01:15:21But you don't, you don't do what I suggest.

01:15:25You don't do what I reason out.

01:15:27You don't do what I say is the best way of doing things.

01:15:32And things have not worked out in some ways in that you have a wife who has rage issues

01:15:38and you want my advice.

01:15:39But it's a little confusing to me because you've done almost the exact opposite of what you've

01:15:45listened to me advocate for for over 10 years and you want my advice.

01:15:51Do you understand why it's a bit confusing?

01:15:54Yeah, I understand.

01:15:57However, I was, I was guided by your advice.

01:16:02It's why I have a family.

01:16:03It's why I, otherwise I would still be hating people, stalking alone and angry at the world.

01:16:08And I hadn't found you and others.

01:16:11Okay, so you don't listen.

01:16:12I wouldn't even.

01:16:13You don't listen.

01:16:13Yeah, this is why, this is another reason why your wife is frustrated is you don't listen.

01:16:17So, I just gave you five to seven examples of how you did kind of the opposite of what

01:16:21I suggest, right?

01:16:22And then you say, no, but Steph, I followed your advice.

01:16:26No, I didn't say I followed your advice.

01:16:27I said I got to where I am because of your, your advice.

01:16:31No, you didn't.

01:16:31I didn't follow it perfectly.

01:16:33I just told you all the ways in which you didn't follow my advice.

01:16:37And now you say, but Steph, I'm here because I followed your advice.

01:16:40I am where I am because I followed your advice.

01:16:43I don't regret where I am.

01:16:47I'm sorry.

01:16:48I'm not trying to be obtuse, but yeah, no, you're right.

01:16:50I'm not.

01:16:50You are being obtuse.

01:16:53I don't mean to be.

01:16:54Okay, let me add.

01:16:55The demeaning thing, again, you're just doing the same thing, which everyone does, which is

01:16:58you try to pull out some magical intentions.

01:17:00Do you accept that you have done a lot of things that I recommend you don't do?

01:17:06Yes.

01:17:06And you have not done other things that I recommend that you do?

01:17:10Yes.

01:17:10Okay.

01:17:11So that's fine.

01:17:12That's, that's right.

01:17:14So I say that you should provide and protect your wife.

01:17:17I know you provide because your wife stays home.

01:17:19You should protect your wife.

01:17:20And then her mother screams at her and you don't lift a finger and you say, well, I just

01:17:25mother-daughter stuff.

01:17:27Not that important.

01:17:28Yeah.

01:17:29Well, um, yeah, I should have fallen around right away.

01:17:32Was it, uh, was it just, was it just mother-son stuff when your mother screamed at you?

01:17:38No, not when I was very young.

01:17:40Okay.

01:17:40When was the last time your mother screamed at you?

01:17:43When I'm just about time I got big enough to fight back.

01:17:47Right.

01:17:47So I guess 13, 14, something like that.

01:17:50Right.

01:17:50And she's never raised a voice at you since, right?

01:17:53No.

01:17:54Well, yeah, no, not really.

01:17:55Okay.

01:17:56So I also say that you should not have unrepentant child, or it, it's probably wise to not have

01:18:01unrepentant child abuses in your life, right?

01:18:04Yes.

01:18:04And you have them except for your wife's father.

01:18:07I'm not sure what happened there, but.

01:18:09Uh, yeah, he, he, he was gone when she was very young.

01:18:12Oh, okay.

01:18:12So that's not, so, so you guys have chosen to have unrepentant child abuses in your life.

01:18:17Yeah.

01:18:19So I'm not sure.

01:18:20So again, I'm sorry to be dense.

01:18:22I'm not sure if you do the opposite of what I recommend.

01:18:26And then you say, Steph, um, could you give me magic words to reverse doing the opposite

01:18:31of what you said, suggest for the last six years.

01:18:35Yeah.

01:18:35Like, it's like, it's like, if I say you shouldn't smoke and then you smoke for six years and

01:18:39you say, Steph, I want to undo the smoking.

01:18:42My advice would be for what it's worth, whatever you're doing is slowly reducing your wife's

01:18:48rages.

01:18:49I don't have any magic words, especially if you don't want to do the protection thing.

01:18:53If you do the protection thing, she'll be so grateful that she will relax.

01:18:57When a woman feels protected, then she can relax.

01:19:00And when she can relax, she can sleep better.

01:19:01She tends to be less cranky and so on.

01:19:03Right.

01:19:04But a woman who does not feel protected, who does not feel like her man is protecting her

01:19:08cannot relax.

01:19:09But you don't really want to do that because it's mother-daughter stuff, as you said.

01:19:13So I would suggest, uh, whatever you're doing, just keep doing it.

01:19:18I mean, you're in the situation.

01:19:19You don't want to get a divorce.

01:19:20Not that I would recommend it, but that's what you say.

01:19:23You don't want to get a divorce.

01:19:24And what you have been doing over the last couple of years has had a 700% improvement

01:19:29or a sevenfold improvement in your wife's, uh, rage issues.

01:19:35And so I would say since, I mean, I doubt you'll follow this advice because you don't really

01:19:40follow my advice, but I would say that the best thing you can probably do, given the few

01:19:46options that you have, you can't afford therapy.

01:19:48Uh, you're going to continue to see abusive, your, your abusive mother or your, um, your

01:19:54mother who's not recanted from her abusing and abuses if you try to talk about it because

01:19:58you want to be in contact with your grandmother.

01:20:01So, um, given that you don't want to do the things that are necessary to genuinely improve

01:20:06things because you want to hold onto your grandmother and you, um, uh, other reasons,

01:20:10then I would say if you continue to do what you're doing, then I assume that things will

01:20:16get better, uh, as they have been getting better, uh, over time and you will end up in a place

01:20:22that's even better than you were a couple of years ago and better than now.

01:20:27Does that make sense?

01:20:28Yeah.

01:20:29All right.

01:20:30Well, thank you very much for the call.

01:20:31I appreciate it and have yourself a great night.

01:20:34Thank you, Seth.

01:20:34Bye.

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