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Tall Stewie | Family Guy Season 24 Episode 11
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00:03Wait a minute. This isn't a Patriots game.
00:05Peter, I told you we're going to church today because we're being honored for our charity work.
00:08What charity work?
00:09Remember that day I dragged you all here so we could make eight sandwiches for the homeless?
00:12Well, they're giving us a paper certificate in front of everybody.
00:15I hope the priest who plays basketball is here today.
00:20You made me put on a suit for this. This thing is way too tight.
00:23I've been telling you to buy a new suit for 20 years, and we're dressed up because this is a
00:26big deal for me.
00:27But that maybe teenager, maybe man, is wearing his undertaker sweatshirt.
00:31Oh, and he gets to do iPad time?
00:34Stop squirming. Can you be a normal husband for one day?
00:38Before we begin, I would like to honor one family's outstanding service to the community.
00:42It's not the basketball one.
00:43Please put your hands together for the winners of the third annual Jesus Christ Memorial Award, the Griffins.
00:50I do apologize. Our printer ran out of ink, so this is just a blank piece of paper.
00:55We would also be delighted if you'd take the first communion.
00:59But Peter's suit pants had been pushed so far to the edge that one measly wafer was more than they
01:03could take.
01:06What a fool.
01:07She married him?
01:08Next week we won't be here because we're going to Virginia Beach.
01:10It's not that bad.
01:11Let he who has not split his pants in church cast the first stone.
01:21Hey, Stewie, what's going on?
01:22Brian, I've just received an invitation to the toddler social event of the season.
01:25Wow, what is it?
01:26It's a nighttime costume party, and it starts at 5.30.
01:29Uber's strongly encouraged. I better reserve mine now.
01:33Oh, boy.
01:37Wait a minute. This isn't the Patriots game.
01:39Look, we are shopping for new pants.
01:41I can't believe you showed the entire church your bare ass.
01:43Well, I'm just glad everything is back to normal.
01:45No, it isn't. You didn't even shave your pants.
01:47I mean, look at you. You're a mess.
01:49You are lucky we're married because no other woman would ever find you attractive.
01:51Oh, yeah?
01:52Hey, Peter Griffin.
01:53You may recognize me from a certain piece of Rhode Island legislation called Griffin's Law.
01:57You can't use the bathroom in a steakhouse unless you order something.
02:01Oh, God, Peter, you are embarrassing yourself.
02:03You're an overweight, middle-aged man who just had to have a priest tape his ass shut in front of
02:07all our friends and family.
02:08Do you know how unusual it is for a priest to tape one of those shut?
02:14How was the party?
02:15All right, I want to tell you, but before I do, do you know the maid's parts from I Could
02:18Have Danced All Night?
02:18No.
02:19All right, well, the point is, I Could Have Danced All Night.
02:21Oh, I'm glad you had fun. Let's get you to bed.
02:23Huh. Something feels different.
02:24Do you have a little bald spot?
02:26What? No.
02:27It's time for bed, Stewie. Come on.
02:28No.
02:29What did you say?
02:29I said no. You go to bed, you short, bald bitch.
02:34I can't believe Lois thinks I'm unattractive. Do all women see me this way?
02:38You know, if you really want to test your desirability, you should set up a profile on a dating app,
02:41you know, like Stumble or Paraplegics.
02:43You're right. I'll just marry a second woman.
02:45Well, Peter, you won't actually meet up with anybody. You just get on the app to see if women match
02:48with you.
02:49Then you have proof that you're attracted.
02:51Sure. You're a genius.
02:52Peter, as a married man, surely you shouldn't join a dating app.
02:55I'm sorry, guys, but I have to do this. When you die, you don't think about how much money you
02:58had. You think about how many matches you got.
03:00Chris, come closer. One of my matches was a Latina.
03:04You've said that several times now.
03:06She was from the Caribbean. That's even better.
03:08It's okay for you to go now.
03:09Big. Fat ass.
03:11Does anyone have a pillow?
03:16All right. My profile is all set up.
03:18Now the matches roll in.
03:19Proud owner of Newt Pants.
03:21And your only photo is of you arguing over your bill at the Ponderosa Steakhouse?
03:25Who took this?
03:25There were a lot of people with their phones out. It got loud.
03:28I once saw Steven Tyler at the airport. I guess that's interesting adjacent.
03:31Steven Tyler? What term of them?
03:33Quantis.
03:33Ah, no kidding. Quantis.
03:35Jeez, Peter, you're sitting on the Rolls Royce of anecdotes.
03:37Peter, this isn't going to cut.
03:38You need to present a perfectly curated profile, and we're going to help you.
03:41Wow, thanks, guys.
03:42Now, let's go take some photos that suggest you have literally any hobbies besides drinking.
03:46Hey, listen, do you think I could tell that Steven Tyler story like it's my own?
03:49It'd really help me out.
03:50Yeah, sure. Go ahead.
03:51Right there in the middle of Quantis Terminal is Mr. Ragdoll himself, Steven Tyler.
03:56Wow, what an amazing sighting.
03:57Can I tell that story like it's my own?
03:58No.
04:02Hey, Brian.
04:03Wait. We literally look like Schwarzenegger and Tobito in Twins.
04:06Oh, my God. This is everything.
04:09Oh, God. That is funny, man.
04:11All right. Get out of my seat.
04:12So whoever's the tallest just gets to do whatever they want?
04:14I mean, I didn't say it, but it sounds like a good system.
04:16Okay. If that's how you want it.
04:18Whoa! You said that knowing you were taller than me.
04:20Yeah. Who's a short-fall bitch now?
04:22You bastard. How'd you do it?
04:24Gardening claws.
04:25Why, it's funny. The joke is he wears normal shoes?
04:28I don't get it either.
04:29Now, let's cut your bangs in the back of your hair in a very normal way while I sing the
04:33Dutch National Anthem.
04:35Wind hills flowing in the wind, and tulips and chocolates are all so good.
04:39All right, Peter, if you can have a profile that can compete with the best of them.
04:41First, we need something to show that you're politically active.
04:43Yeah, but these days you can't risk isolating anybody.
04:45You need to make a strong yet vague political statement.
04:47Here, take the sign.
04:48We are us? What does that mean?
04:50Kind of just sounds like nothing.
04:51You think we aren't us?
04:53I guess not.
04:54You'll also want to wrap yourself in this American flag.
04:56Are those question marks?
04:57Look who's asking the right questions.
05:00All right, now, just move down in front of this fire station so the whole thing seems vaguely related to
05:03law enforcement.
05:07Next, we want to show women that you're easygoing and outdoorsy.
05:09Let's get a picture of you holding a surfboard.
05:12Now, let's get one in just my swim tricks.
05:13I will simply take off this dead wetsuit.
05:30Can you guys help me?
05:31Sorry, Peter.
05:31Our hands are covered in beach taco aioli.
05:41Outdoorsy.
05:47Hello, Chris.
05:47Are you Slender Man?
05:48Well, no.
05:49It's me, Stu.
05:50One thing I'll go kill some people in the woods just in case.
05:53Seems like he was going to do that regardless.
05:54Hey, Brian.
05:55I have something to show you.
05:56Oh, good.
05:57We're just looking for you.
05:58Uncle Sam still saw Amazon?
05:59Uncle Sam still saw Amazon.
05:59Yeah, they get real cheap after President's Day.
06:01Well, I'm off to go establish myself as the town tall guy.
06:03Yeah, right.
06:04More like town small fry.
06:06Oh, major short king energy, Bri.
06:09Hey, how you doing?
06:10Beautiful day for it?
06:11Hey.
06:11Ah, crap.
06:13Ha!
06:13How's the weather down there, pipsqueak?
06:15I don't know, Bruno Mars.
06:16How is it not being allowed on roller coasters and putting out album after album of undeniable hits?
06:23Time out, time out.
06:24I can't breathe.
06:26Hey, boys.
06:27Out for a run?
06:28Oh, hey, yeah.
06:28We're just putting these bad boys to use.
06:30We're all about being active.
06:31That's so awesome.
06:32I'm Sydney, and this is Odette.
06:34You know, as runway fashion models, it's hard to find men who are tall enough now.
06:37Is it just me, or is every guy these days a short ball bitch?
06:39No way.
06:40We've been literally just saying that.
06:41Hey, you guys should come out with us tonight.
06:43We're going to a club that's free for us to get into at $45 for you.
06:45Oh, we're...
06:45Here's our Instagram handle.
06:46We both do sponsored posts, but have few enough followers.
06:48That's confusingly anyone is paying us.
06:50See you later.
06:51Brian, do you know what this means?
06:52We get to dance sex with models.
06:53Oh, yeah.
06:54And sex with models.
06:55So dope.
06:58I launched the profile with the pictures we took, and I ain't gotten a single match.
07:01And I've been messaging everyone.
07:02Just to reiterate, you are married.
07:03You're right.
07:04I can't give up.
07:05Maybe the app just isn't working.
07:06Bragg Maya, press send me a test message.
07:12Ah, Peter, it's me.
07:13And the message just said test.
07:14There's not a single woman on here who's even slightly interested in me.
07:17Maybe Lois was right.
07:18I am completely undesirable.
07:19She doesn't want me.
07:20She doesn't want me.
07:21She doesn't want me.
07:22Wait a minute.
07:22Back up to that last one.
07:25Huh?
07:25Lois has a profile on a dating app?
07:27Oh, my God.
07:28I have a profile on a dating app?
07:29Oh, boy, Peter.
07:30I think all those concussions over the years are starting to add up.
07:32Let me take you to the blue tent.
07:33And Peter is now being helped over to the blue tent.
07:35That is not something that anyone wants to see.
07:37Yeah, Peter's had his bell rung a few times.
07:39At this point, you'd think someone would step in.
07:41And now it looks as if Peter has farted inside the blue tent,
07:43and they're going to let it air out before continuing the evaluation.
07:46I think we're looking at a fart joke, Jim.
07:47Oh, boy.
07:48Looks like they're taking Peter's pants away.
07:50This might be it for Peter for the night.
07:51Sounds like he misjudged that fart joke.
07:53And they're putting the pants on the cart.
07:55We're driving him out of here.
07:56Oh, that's great.
07:57You always like to see that.
08:02I can't believe Lois is on a dating app.
08:04I don't know what to do, guys.
08:05Well, why don't you just talk to her honestly about it?
08:07You know what, Cleveland?
08:08This might be funny to you, but I have a real problem here.
08:10Well, you can't confront Lois directly,
08:11or else she'll know you have a profile on the app, too.
08:13Why don't you tell Lois that Quagmire saw her on the end?
08:15Yeah, sorry, Joe, but Lois would know that I have an under-30 filter.
08:18Kind of unrealistic.
08:18Well, when it seems I'll just have to go convince her to out herself
08:20in my own subtle manner.
08:26And where have you been?
08:28I was at the grocery store.
08:29How did you make it dark in here at 3 p.m.?
08:31Did you come home with any dates or eggplants?
08:34Look, if you are afraid of Lebanese food,
08:35you have to let me know before I go to the store.
08:37Let me ask you this.
08:38When you're going number two, which way do you swipe?
08:40Uh, back to France?
08:42Oh, boy.
08:42Well, then we have two problems.
08:43What's gotten into you lately?
08:44That's exactly what I want to know about you!
08:46Yo, we doing Lebanese tonight?
08:48I could hide some right some baba ghanoush.
08:50Go back to your room.
08:51You're done for the day.
08:51Deuces!
08:57Stewie, this is a dance floor.
08:58We can't dance on these things.
08:59Relax, Brian.
09:00Just stand in place and dance with your hands.
09:04So, am I the tallest guy you've ever dated?
09:06No, I used to be shy.
09:08Oh, cool, cool.
09:10You may not be impressed with what I'm working with.
09:12You know, you can't wear underwear with this dress.
09:14Oh, no.
09:14Did you keep the receipt?
09:18Oh, my God, that was amazing.
09:19Stewie, I'm so glad you just came alive again after that Narcan.
09:21Because you were like, ooh, I'm dead.
09:22And then you were like, ah, I'm okay, let's go.
09:24I mean, if anything, you were more fun after the Narcan.
09:26Oh, you're so sweet.
09:27We had such a good time with you guys tonight.
09:29We were wondering if you'd want to meet up again tomorrow and have some real fun.
09:33Yeah, yeah, we could be down.
09:35Cool.
09:36Stewie, this is amazing.
09:37Those girls want to have sex.
09:38Oh, hell yeah.
09:39I'm going to have sex like a real grown-up.
09:41I can picture it now.
09:42What's in your sex briefcase?
09:44Oh, all kinds of grown-up sex stuff.
09:47I'm so sorry.
09:48This never happens.
09:51I gave Lois the perfect chance to come clean about cheating, and she didn't tell me anything.
09:54Which is why I'm resorting to plan B.
09:56Make a fake profile and see if she responds to it.
09:59Derek Bandana?
10:00Peter, who is this?
10:01It's Chris's hot school bus driver.
10:02I gave him 20 bucks to pose for pictures, and based on his reaction, I probably could have gone on
10:05that lower.
10:06Rogan, Mervin, Jim, repeat.
10:08He gets drunk and then works out?
10:10All we got to do now is play the waiting game until Lois takes the bait.
10:13Oh, she swiped right.
10:14What do I do?
10:15Oh, ask her to dinner.
10:15If she says yes, then you know she's cheating, and you can divorce her so she can get remarried to
10:18whichever one of your friends she loves.
10:22Oh, my God, Lois is cheating on me!
10:24Damn!
10:25Mom will open it up for anybody!
10:26Matt, we said you're done.
10:27Get out of Quagmire's house!
10:29Deuces.
10:29You catch race.
10:33Are you sure we're in the right place?
10:34This is the address they told me.
10:35A little public for my taste, but I can no do.
10:37Let me just pay the sun-bleached, scratched-out parking meter, and I can't see at all.
10:40What?
10:41I can't...
10:42All right, we're either good for two hours, or we're going to get done.
10:45Hi, boy!
10:46Before we have some real fun, we like to work up a sweat.
10:48And since we know you two are so active, we want you to do our beach Olympics.
10:52Hey, if this is the Olympics, call me Usain Bolt, because you're making me crazy!
10:56Okay!
10:57Brian, I don't know if this is a good idea.
10:58Why don't we just take off the stilts and go home?
10:59Are you kidding me?
11:00See, I don't want to go back to being a short-fall bitch!
11:02I'm about to get laid by a runway model!
11:03Right, right.
11:04Being tall.
11:04Getting laid.
11:12Was it good for you, too?
11:14Is everything okay?
11:15Oh, yeah!
11:15Oh, yeah!
11:16A-OK over here!
11:16Let's do this thing!
11:17Are you sure you don't want to change?
11:19No, I only had to exercise in a black wool guster and pleated gabadine pants.
11:22Awesome!
11:22Follow us!
11:29Come on, boys!
11:31Just race to us!
11:32And then we'll head to the beach house to unwind in the hot tub!
11:34It's not our house, but anything that belongs to rich, horny guys also technically belongs
11:37to us!
11:38I don't think I can do this anymore!
11:39Stewie, you have to push through!
11:40You know how good hot tub sex is?
11:41I gotta tell you something.
11:42I've never told anyone before.
11:44I don't think I know what sex is.
11:46Well, screw it.
11:46I'm going with or without you.
11:47I guess that makes me a tall guy.
11:49You son of a-
12:03Yeah!
12:10Good job, boys!
12:13Wow!
12:22So, this whole time, you were just a baby and a dog on stilts?
12:26You're not also a baby and a dog on stilts, are you?
12:28No, we are not.
12:29Then I guess we are done here.
12:32Stewie, I'm really sorry.
12:33No, no, I get it.
12:34You wanted to have sex with those girls.
12:35And I did too.
12:36It wasn't just that.
12:37Seeing you taller than me made me realize that I'll always be this height.
12:40But soon, I'm going to have to watch you grow up.
12:41Well, I guess I was just worried you'd outgrow me as a friend, too.
12:44Oh, you just don't want to be the short one.
12:46Well, who does?
12:47Oh, Brian, don't worry.
12:48You'll always be my best friend.
12:51Check it out.
12:52Looks like our dates have already moved on.
12:55Yeah, we could never compete with those muscle guys.
13:01Alright, time to catch Lois red-handed.
13:05Well, well, well.
13:06I bet you weren't expecting to see me here.
13:08Peter, I know you were Derek Bandana the whole time.
13:11What?
13:11How?
13:12You think I wouldn't recognize Chris's bus driver?
13:14Also, I could see reflection in his sunglasses.
13:16And Chris is behind him in the photo.
13:18And I am behind Chris.
13:19Okay, you might have known I was Derek Bandana,
13:21but that doesn't explain why you're sleeping with guys on that app.
13:23Oh, Peter, that's not why I'm on there.
13:24I've never swiped on anyone.
13:26It's just, it's nice to get attention from men.
13:29I've never acted on it, but it helps my self-esteem.
13:31After all, I'm not getting any younger,
13:33and sometimes I start to wonder how desirable I still am.
13:35That's exactly why I made a profile, too.
13:37I was feeling so lousy after our conversation at the pants store
13:40that I got on the app to try to prove that women like me.
13:42Oh, Peter, I'm sorry.
13:43I never should have said those things to you.
13:45And I'm sorry for spending thousands of dollars on your credit card
13:47to boost my dating app profile.
13:49You know, maybe we should just compliment each other once in a while, huh?
13:52I don't know, but that feels like a lot.
13:53What do you say?
13:54Delete our apps on the count of three?
13:56One, two, three.
14:00Stand up, Peter.
14:01Yes, I'm up.
14:06Thanks for helping me with the dating app, guys.
14:08But Lois and I made up, and everything's back to normal.
14:10Glad to hear you got it.
14:11You guys are never going to believe this.
14:13Steven Tyler is in the bathroom.
14:14Joe, stealing my Steven Tyler airport story is one thing,
14:17but this is just pathetic.
14:18I'm serious.
14:18We're trying to have conversation here, man.
14:22Sorry, Steven.
14:23They didn't want to come say hi.
14:24For the last time, I'm not Steven Tyler,
14:26and you really shouldn't be looking under the stall doors like that.
14:28Going incognito, I like it.
14:30Hey, what was it like when that firework blasted your cornea off in 77?
14:33Man, I don't know.
14:34Probably bad.
14:35No kidding.
14:37Steven Tyler in my handicap stall.
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