- 17 hours ago
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00:15What happened to you?
00:17It's not my fault.
00:18They put the saloon next to the salon and I got very confused.
00:24What's your name, stranger?
00:26They call me Quiet Burp.
00:29Yeah, I've heard about you.
00:32Flush.
00:33Oh, yeah? Know what a flush can't handle?
00:37Four deuces.
00:41Something doesn't smell right about that hand.
00:44Your cards, neither.
00:45You calling me a cheat?
00:47I just don't like the feeling I'm getting plucked.
00:53Let's go. Train's leaving the station.
00:55Who's your handler, Burp?
00:57I'm Vivienne, which is a man's name back now.
01:00That's what you're telling yourself?
01:02I'm the man with no name.
01:07I got Buffalo, Burp, and Wild, but what was your name again?
01:10Django Unclaimed.
01:12I know you had those deuces stuffed down your pants, Burp.
01:15We can finish this conversation on a moonless night.
01:18Yeah?
01:19And what do you say we finish it now?
01:22Yeah?
01:59I know I have the word.
01:59Just so much, I want the
02:02You have to go.
02:02And then you know we're going to be careful.
02:05Though, you're not going to be careful.
02:06No, you're going to be careful.
02:07I don't know it's not going to be careful.
02:08You're not going to be careful.
02:08It's just a little while you're going to be careful.
02:08No, you're going to be careful.
02:10Wow.
02:11Wow.
02:13That's cool.
02:16Let's have to go.
02:20I don't get why we're transporting your money in the first place.
02:23Why not just build your own bank?
02:24Don't lecture me on business sense.
02:26I made all my money in not sharp enough bone saws during the Civil War.
02:30Dulled the first batch of blades myself.
02:33Oh, now here's something.
02:34Lady hanged for wearing pants.
02:37Good.
02:37One less wacko on the streets.
02:39American West Uninhabited Asterisk.
02:42I wonder what the asterisk means.
02:47Would you look at this, kid?
02:49In a few days, we'll be striking it rich in the current West.
02:54Oh, weird.
02:55Does this look vegetarian to you?
02:56You know, I never do this, but I'm going to say something.
02:58I think we should be keeping a low profile.
03:00People are still pretty upset.
03:02Look, it was a mutual decision to kick John Wilkes Booth out of our improv group.
03:06Who knew he was going to do that?
03:07I do feel kind of bad, though.
03:09Honestly, I was just glad he finally made an active choice on stage.
03:14Can I just be the first person to say I love seeing this country by train?
03:21Ah, shoot.
03:22Hey, uh, Vivian, no biggie here, but did you need that money for anything?
03:35Hand over the money.
03:36They already got us.
03:37Oh, perfect.
03:39Well, I'm really glad we stopped for lunch, Jim.
03:46Boy, a $5,000 bounty for catching the robber.
03:49I'm sure glad I get to form a posse with you guys.
03:52Hey, how'd you get the name Wild Joe, anyway?
03:55Eh, once kissed a woman I wasn't engaged to.
03:57Ruined her for every other man.
03:59Uh, and I almost entered a ghost pepper challenge.
04:03Gave it a real hard thought.
04:04Hey, look at little Bobby Oppenheimer over there playing with firecrackers.
04:07Man, is there anything more common in these times than a rural Jew?
04:14All right, the Bandits' Trail leads to Golden Stream.
04:17But look sharp, fellas.
04:18To get there, we gotta cross through Indian territory.
04:21Look.
04:24Am I speaking with Mrs. Kowalski?
04:27I like their long shirts.
04:28Tell them.
04:29I like your long shirts.
04:34Be on the lookout for rattlers, fellas.
04:36If you get bit, the only cure is for someone to suck the poison out.
04:40Yeah, right?
04:41Hey, uh, I'm just gonna go take a wavy leak by those cool, sandy bushes.
04:46Letter for quiet burp?
04:48That's me.
04:49Oh, cool.
04:50Wow.
04:50Without addresses, I've spent the past nine years just asking everyone I see.
04:55Oh, it's my letter from Skidmore.
04:57Did you get in?
04:58No, it's for someone else.
05:01But the guy said quiet...
05:02They put me on the overweight list, okay?
05:04Bunch of wise guys.
05:05If you need me, I'll be binge-watching the campfire.
05:19That'll show them.
05:20Separating those carpetbaggers from their money.
05:23Huh.
05:24And that tux medicated pads, too.
05:26Guys, we got a problem.
05:27Somebody dip some palm fronds in the creek and stuff them through the crescent moon hole.
05:37All right, the tracks have stopped, so the guy's gotta be around here somewhere.
05:42Hey, hey, you guys see that?
05:43I may go in, just as a joke.
05:46Oh, I may join you.
05:47Just as a joke.
05:55All right, I'll see you guys inside.
05:57Hey.
05:58And to think this horse saved me when someone was gonna put me down.
06:02Wouldn't worry over cinching them knots too tight.
06:05Name's Sheriff West.
06:06Okay, I am obsessed with your coat.
06:09Will you stop saying that to everyone we meet?
06:11You fellas ain't the first hired guns to blow into my town.
06:15So you got any notions of stirring up trouble, you snuff that lantern out now.
06:19Take a step out of line.
06:21Next one will be on to the scaffold.
06:23Don't take much to earn tickets to a necktie social.
06:26Do you have these written down somewhere?
06:37Of course, if you prefer, we could just head on down to the marshals.
06:41They got just about everything you need, so long as it's from the brand Nautica.
06:49All the envelopes are sealed.
06:52Hey, buddy, is that your schoolhouse teacher?
06:55Schoolhouse?
06:55This is Arizona State University.
06:58Yeah?
06:58Any idea whose sheets she's hanging?
07:01Her husband died in childbirth.
07:04His picture's in that locket.
07:06Oh, it's huge.
07:07She likes fat guys.
07:08Actually, word is the pictures of the piece he was swinging.
07:12I see.
07:13Well, maybe we could still be really good friends.
07:16Hey there.
07:17Name's Quiet Burp.
07:20Nice to meet you.
07:21I'm the hair-blowing-in-the-wind schoolmom, Lucy Stools.
07:26You know, I'd love to learn more about Golden Stream.
07:29Would you be up for dinner?
07:30Oh, well, it's nice of an armed stranger to wander into an active classroom to ask me this.
07:35How about 6.30?
07:37Perfect.
07:38And hey, maybe we could go dancing after.
07:40I haven't been in forever.
07:43I wish there was a way to dance that didn't involve this.
07:50All right, decent crowd.
07:51Now, let's go through our warm-ups.
07:53Say it with me.
07:53Cute cowboys come quick.
07:55Cute cowboys come quick.
07:57What are we even performing?
07:57Well, if there's one thing freezing, grizzled cowboys want to see, it's a Shakespearean drama.
08:03So I give you Richard III.
08:05Now, during my full frontal scene, I want you to remain calm.
08:09Because if I see you getting nervous, then I'll get nervous.
08:11Which scene does he get nude in?
08:13I don't know.
08:13It's one of the castle ones, I think.
08:16I don't know.
08:16Now, come on.
08:17Let's show these cowboys and Indians what they're fighting for.
08:20Shine out, fair sun, till I have bought a glass, that I may see my shadow as I pass.
08:28Shoot, we're losing them.
08:29Maybe we try a little improv?
08:30Okay, okay, um, I need a location.
08:33Yellowstone!
08:34Occupation.
08:35Yellowstone Rancher!
08:36Can I hear from anyone else, please?
08:38Need a little red meat here.
08:39A barrel maker!
08:40Oh, there's some f***ing fertile ground.
08:42I see why you mentioned it.
08:43One barrel, please, sir.
08:45Dammit, Dog Holiday!
08:45Don't play along with them!
08:46We just want to see programs about Yellowstone.
08:50Can be way before right now, sorta near right now, or in the future, as long as it's a year
08:55plus Yellowstone.
08:57Fine, this is Yellowstone 1471, and in Yellowstone, there's a naked king.
09:04Man, I think I owe John Wilkes Booth an apology for his improv skills.
09:08How do we bomb harder than the minstrel performers?
09:11I can think of only one thing that will save us.
09:13Here's my impression of James A. Garfield.
09:16I am James A. Garfield.
09:19I like lasagna, and I hate Mondays.
09:22His impression is helped by none of us ever having heard his voice.
09:25I bet he sounds like that, though.
09:32Tonight's special is a souffle and a fillet mignon.
09:35Sorry, these words just got here.
09:38I thought you were the sheriff.
09:39Lot of jobs, not enough people.
09:41I'm trying to avoid gluten.
09:43And I told you I didn't want any trouble.
09:46So were you in the Civil War?
09:48Yeah, I fought for the middle.
09:50Couple of days in, I found a two-sided uniform.
09:52Oh, still wearing it.
09:54Wow.
09:54Yeah, eventually both sides caught on, so I survived by hiding under a pile of bodies.
09:59For four years, ate nothing but dead butts.
10:01Oh, well, I'm glad you made it out.
10:03Yeah, it was either that or live in Atlanta as a woman.
10:06But I'm a different person now.
10:07I wish I'd experienced more when I was younger.
10:10And look at me now, a widow.
10:12I mean, my students don't even respect me.
10:15I would have loved having you as a teacher.
10:17You're smart, pretty, and, I don't know, seeing you today, I felt more than I have in a while.
10:23That's funny.
10:24I felt the same spark with you, too.
10:30Madeline, from Atlanta?
10:32Uh, no, no.
10:33That is no longer my truth.
10:39All we need is a little costume repair.
10:41Find our opening.
10:42Let's see.
10:42Livery stable, brothel, three dry goods stores.
10:46Wait a minute, that's it?
10:50It's the ultimate zag holiday.
10:53We'll ride this wave right onto the streets of Paris.
10:55Get your high waters on and start selling.
10:58Can I interest you in checking out our supplies, sir?
11:00Picture yourself waking up in the morning and climbing into some cold, wet jeans.
11:05Some wet candies for the kids?
11:07Hmm?
11:07We supply the wettest flour in the West.
11:10Oatmeal ready to eat before it's even opened.
11:12Get your Chris D'Elia hair tonic.
11:14Perfect for your stringiest events.
11:20Ah, it's peaceful out here, isn't it?
11:22The wind, the birds, the thousand Asians dynamiting a mountain.
11:28You know, usually men don't want anything to do with me.
11:32See, my late husband and I had eight children, but 12 died at birth.
11:36The mortality rate's 140%.
11:38But the truth is, these past two scenes are the most fun I've had in a while.
11:44Me too, Lucy.
11:52Sorry, I was holding that.
11:53I didn't want to crack my saddle.
12:02Y'all know if this is the way to the saloon, I'm a Pinkerton agent in need of direction.
12:10And once I find the saloon, I'm going in buns glazing.
12:15Yippee-ki-yay, mister!
12:22I can't believe this!
12:23Lucy, you're the train robber?
12:25I was sent to bring you in!
12:27You don't understand.
12:28I was only doing it because of the destruction your boss's bonesaw brought upon the soldiers.
12:33The stolen money was redistributed to their families.
12:36Wait, you mean Vivienne's a bad guy?
12:38Name one movie where the good guy uses a cane.
12:41I don't...
12:42Michael J. Fox documentary?
12:45Who's Michael J. Fox?
12:47You don't know him.
12:48But your great-great-great-grandkids are going to love him.
12:54I don't know about you fellas, but I'm pretty beat.
12:56Stayed up with a prostitute last night and got the full service.
13:00What'd you do?
13:01Cried in her lap, mostly.
13:03The chicks will do anything in this town.
13:06What'd you get up to, Django?
13:07I rode over and said hi to the other black guy in town.
13:11Oh, yeah? How's he doing?
13:12Not well.
13:15Where you been, Quiet?
13:16We spent all this time hunting for that train robber, and you haven't helped one bit.
13:20Interesting you say that.
13:21Hey, quick update.
13:22The school mom's the bad guy, but I'm in love with her and want you guys to be cool with
13:26it.
13:27Oh, and we're registered at the wet goods store.
13:29We can't let you get married, Quiet.
13:32You promised we were going to have the most epic summer ever.
13:35We still can.
13:36You three will be my groomsmen.
13:37Which one of us is the best man?
13:40Oh, it's a friend from a high school posse.
13:43Oh, come on.
13:45Let's go.
13:46Look, I'm sorry.
13:47I just, you never forget your first posse, you know?
13:50You told us we were the best posse you ever had.
13:53They say posse's posse, but I can see this one's not as tight as it used to be.
13:57Okay, well, you know something?
13:59I think this posse stinks.
14:02Sorry, Burp.
14:03With this 5,000, we can live like kings in the most cosmopolitan city in America, St. Louis.
14:14So, what do you need to show me?
14:16Well, I was drinking from the stream earlier, and something caught my eye.
14:21Gold panning, of course.
14:22Now, there's going to be temptation to kill each other when we find gold, so let's agree on a pact.
14:27I'll watch your stuff here while you turn your back and start panning.
14:32Oh, and if you hear a metallic click, it's probably a twig.
14:35I'd counsel you fellers against laying a claim to these parts.
14:39For me, I'd head upstream, hell-bent for leather.
14:42Thank you, man without teeth. We'll bear that in mind.
14:45Just saying, there's gold up in them thar hills.
14:48Ugh, them, thar?
14:50These prospectors and their pronouns, am I right?
14:54Oh, hey, Mr. Burp.
14:58I can't hear you. What's that?
15:05Oh, I can't get it. You were making fun of my stutter.
15:09You sadistic son of a bitch.
15:12No, no, hey, hey, no, no, stop.
15:14But you were making fun of my stutter.
15:16Of course I was.
15:17We live in an era where you can make fun of anything.
15:19You can make fun of d**k, and d**k, and even d**k.
15:22And you can still call a d**k a d**k, so say it all now before they stop you.
15:27Before who stops you?
15:29Mostly d**k.
15:33We know you're in there, because we already burnt down two of your previously listed addresses.
15:39But I was born in an orphanage.
15:41Yeah, we found out.
15:43Get ready to draw.
15:48I put the shine in the corner.
15:50Sorry, quiet. You lit this fuse yourself.
15:52So either walk away, or the Undertaker will have a busy afternoon.
16:21Sheriff West, why are you helping us?
16:23Told you, when it comes to folks in this here town, I ain't got no tolerance for violence.
16:28Plus, you laid me down a fair tip.
16:31Well, thanks.
16:32Now, come on, Lucy.
16:33Let's ride off to the inexplicable music from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
17:22Ah, great. My eyes are closed.
17:23I don't know why that bothers me, but it does.
17:30Oh, no. They're right on us.
17:32Quick, let's head for that canyon.
17:35Hey, you see that newspaper?
17:37The Osage struck oil.
17:39Boy, I hope one day an Italian tells their story.
17:44You know, I'm about fed up with these half-baked schemes of yours.
17:47Oh, like you've hit so many bullseyes.
17:49I said we should do a dog show.
17:50A talking dog, and you wanted to jump through hoops.
17:53Look out, Buffalo Bill. We got ourselves a first-rate entertainer.
17:57Wilkes Booth would have been on board.
17:59Oh, yeah, he had a lot of high-minded ideas.
18:01But now that you mention it, I'm starting to wonder if we didn't kick the wrong member out of our
18:04improv group.
18:05In fact, I bet we could prop up his corpse and get a more convincing performance right now.
18:10You know what? That's it.
18:18Okay, let's just cool off, take a beat.
18:20Maybe grab a nap in our long johns that show the outlines of our packages.
18:24Holy crap, look!
18:27Oh, my God!
18:29After this long john nap, we're gonna be rich!
18:36It's all over, Quiet.
18:37You should just turn me in.
18:53Quick, Holiday, gather all the glitter you can to the inexplicable music from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
19:02We did it, Quiet!
19:03You know, for a second there, I thought you were gonna turn me in.
19:06Oh, good. Well, I'm sure that'll die right here and never come up again.
19:10End of the line, burp.
19:13Oh, boss! Hey, perfect timing!
19:15Look who I found!
19:16I know you were on the run!
19:18Ah, I was wondering why this thing kept beeping.
19:21How about a duel?
19:23I win, you let us go free.
19:24Why would I agree to that?
19:26I'm the one with the aimed gun.
19:27Okay, no, yeah, that makes sense.
19:33Man, that one was really up there.
19:38Undefeated.
19:39You're safe now, Lucy.
19:41And I, for one, am excited to quit this life and settle down for good.
19:44Me too, Quiet.
19:46With you, I no longer feel like I'm staring at the coals of a dwindling future.
19:50I have a whole life to live full of experiences,
19:54starting with this one.
19:56Oh, Lucy.
19:57Yours is the only posse I want to be in.
20:11Look at this, Holiday.
20:13I've also got a lead on a shipment of ostrich feathers.
20:16There'll be no stopping us.
20:17I know, I'm glad we converted the schoolhouse to this.
20:20I love this DJ.
20:24Oh, my darling.
20:25Oh, my darling.
20:27Oh, my darling.
20:28Clamp, clamp, clamp.
20:30Everybody dance now.
20:32Clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp.
20:34That night, there were 12 ODs and 24 horse-related drunk-driving desks.
20:39Folks forget the real hazard in the frontier lay not in disease or bullets.
20:44No, it was mostly the ambisexual nightclubs.
20:48Anyway, that'll be at it, Colin.
20:50I'm Wild West, and I was in this episode a lot less than you'd expect.
20:55Clamp, clamp, clamp.
20:57Everybody dance now.
20:58Clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp.
21:07Clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp,
21:17clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp,
21:18clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp,
21:18clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp,
21:18clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp,
21:18clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp,
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