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00:25Good morning, Pended Rhapsody!
00:28This is Katie Killjoy.
00:30And I'm Tom Trench, bringing you the latest in Hell's hottest news.
00:35Tonight's top story, what the fuck is going on at the Hasbin Hotel?
00:39That's right, Katie. It's been a while since Heaven attacked Hell,
00:42and Charlie Morningstar and the Hasbin Hotel brutally slaughtered the invading angels,
00:47and kinda sorta saved us from the extermination.
00:50When you're done sucking tells, Tom, I'd like to remind you that Heaven still hasn't made their next move.
00:55Are they coming back for revenge, or is this yearly nightmare finally over?
01:00Morningstar has declined to come on the show to comment.
01:03Pussy!
01:03But we will keep asking until we break her, because the world needs to know, Tom.
01:08Will she stop at angels?
01:10Are you next? Is your dog or cat next?
01:13Will her bloodlust ever be satisfied?
01:16Who's at the top of Charlie Morningstar's hit list?
01:19Maybe it's me!
01:22This segment brought to you by Bookstack!
01:25Trust us with your everything!
01:28This'll be great. I'm looking forward to getting in here and fucking up some angels.
01:42I lost my fucking room key.
01:44Hello and welcome to the Hasbin Hotel. My name's, uh, changing. For now, call me that key.
01:49Have a lovely day. Here's your key. Thank you so much for staying with us.
01:52Thanks for signing the guest books. This is like being in the army.
01:54I know you're here, Alistair. Could you help out, please?
01:58Oh, this seems like a you problem, Bajeen.
02:01Here you go. And you. Really?
02:03What happened to the whole host of the hotel thing?
02:07Where's Charlie? Where is Charlie Morningstar?
02:10Is it true she drinks angel blood to improve her gay powers?
02:13Is she off killing more angels? The public has a right to know.
02:16Is it true this hotel is recruiting a hellish army?
02:19And should I divorce my wife?
02:21Um, no.
02:23What?
02:23I have three tormenting tonics, four virgin sacrifice pina coladas, and something called a harder daddy.
02:29Oh, that one's for me. My favorite drink. And life model.
02:36Woo! That's a hard daddy.
02:40Angel, how about you help me serve these drinks instead of letting your pig gobble my nuts?
02:45Hush! Don't say it like that. He's little.
02:49Besides, I am working. I'm celebrity endorsing the hotel.
02:55Who wants to come stay at the has-been hotel with me?
03:02I love him. I've seen all his movies. I've jerked off to all his movies.
03:08Cherry, how about you? You're part of the hotel now, right? Why don't you help out?
03:12Whoa there, pussycat. I'm hanging at the hotel. I'm not staying at the hotel. Big difference. I booked a room
03:21or nothing.
03:21Sure. Anyway, get your pig off my bar.
03:26Has anyone seen Charlie? There are reporters here asking some fucked up questions.
03:30I think I saw her in the lounge. She's been keeping Penches' little egg company.
03:36Thanks.
03:37When you see her, can you ask her if she's still up for the therapy session today?
03:41I'm kinda getting into talking about feelings and junk.
03:47And here's when Penches cried after he was caught spying. And here's when Penches cried when you forgave him. And
03:56here's when Penches cried when he first lost a cherry bomb. And here's when Penches cried after telling me I'm
04:04the most handsome egg boy he's ever seen. I made that one up.
04:08He truly was the best of us. Or at least the most. Snake.
04:16This is Penches' death ray. He'd want you to have it.
04:20He invented the best things. Even though a lot were scary weapons that hurt people. We were working on that.
04:31Charlie, there you are. Did you maybe want to come down and say hi to the new guests? You could
04:36really use your help. There are reporters here.
04:39Are you okay?
04:40Uh-huh. Everything is great. Great, great. Why wouldn't everything be great? We beat Adam and the hotel's packed even
04:47though lots of people died. But it is so great.
04:51Babe, I feel like you're still processing what happened. If you want, I can handle the hotel duties. Talk to
04:56those reporters.
04:58It's fine. I'm perfectly calm. Calm and fine. Fine and calm. Let's talk to those reporters. I bet they want
05:04to know all about how redemption works just like everyone else is staying here, right?
05:07Right. Yeah.
05:11Tom, you and your tiny dick are pissing me off. See, I have five, count it, five minutes a day
05:17to enjoy my smoke break. And you're tomming up my space.
05:20Ah, there she is. My top reporter.
05:24Fox! Hello. What brings you here, Fox?
05:30Nothing much. You gotta tell me what the fuck this is.
05:34Oh, we just wanted to give it a flashy title.
05:39Yeah, I can read, Katie. But why is it so positive? This is the news, honey. If we aren't scaring
05:46people with the title alone, it's not worth running.
05:49I'm so sorry, sir. You can punish me if you want to.
05:57Ew. No.
05:59Besides, I think I have a better angle for this has-been hotel. I think its popularity is useful. We
06:06just have to find the right spin.
06:09Oh, I love it when you spin things, you sexy TV man.
06:13Keep up the questions. Is it dangerous? What's the morning star's next move? And be ready for some...
06:19Breaking news tonight.
06:22Oh, I'll be ready for you, Vox.
06:25Yes, sir. We sure will.
06:26Shut up, Tom!
06:36Hotter, Daddy?
06:37Why'd he do it? Why'd he just go and kill himself to save me? We were rivals. Like, all I'd
06:44ever done was fuck with him. But he liked me? Why?
06:47What do you mean what's not to like? You're kinda cool, kinda hot. He probably liked your big bombs.
06:54Fuck off. I just wish I could see him again. To punch him in the face for dying and shit.
07:05Sweet baby demon spawn. There are a lot of sinners here.
07:09Oh, there she is! Oh, Charlie! Watch it over! Look at me! Look at me, Charlie!
07:12Charlie, are we at war with heaven?
07:14Charlie, how many angels did you kill personally? Do they scream?
07:18Charlie, how do angels scream when they die? Is it like...
07:23And should I kill my wife?
07:25Zachy, can you come...
07:27Okay, people. Back it up. Back it up.
07:31Ahem!
07:31Oh, hello there. I'm Charlie. Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel. And what is your name?
07:40My name is Baxter.
07:42Ooh, Baxter. That's a fun name. Are you checking in with us?
07:47I intend to, yes.
07:48Oh, that's great! Aw, look at your little lab coats. Very cute.
07:55Are you an inventor?
07:56Don't belittle me, woman. I am not an inventor. I am a scientist.
08:01There's a difference. Some could classify me as a mad scientist.
08:09Penchis was an inventor. That's so cool. I bet you're just like him.
08:15If you're referring to that pompous snake, I'd like it known I am nothing like him.
08:20Hey, everyone! Meet Penchis!
08:22Baxter.
08:23Right! Baxter! Ha! And you're here to be redeemed, Pen-ster. Baxter. Sorry, sorry.
08:28Penchis-ster. Baxter. Sorry, Baxter. Baxter. Baxter! Ha! I got it.
08:33I am here to study this fascinating concept of redemption. My hypothesis is that it's impossible.
08:40Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Okay, well, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
08:46Come on in. Here's your key. Let me take your bag. Wait till you see the hotel.
08:55If you parked your car, we'll validate all our guests, our family.
09:03Hey, Perf, hands off the chest fluff.
09:06That's the has-been guarantee.
09:10Did I mention it's free?
09:11It's worth the price.
09:13I'll be nice.
09:13Full of drunks.
09:14Full of cunts.
09:15Full of sticky floors covered in junk.
09:17Ha, don't mind them.
09:19No one does.
09:19Or that hole.
09:20Terry, you've made a great choice to save your soul.
09:24Cause redemption is possible, I really, really hope.
09:27Cause if it isn't then, my whole life's been a fucking joke.
09:30And my friend died for no reason, and I'm never gonna cope from watching him get fucking murdered right in
09:36front of me last month.
09:37There's a bar!
09:38Have a beer.
09:39I don't drink.
09:40I just know you're gonna love it here.
09:44We can live in harmony.
09:47No, I can't think of fucking my time.
09:50That's the has-been guarantee.
09:54Now repeat after me.
09:56I'm checkin' in.
09:58I'm checkin' in.
09:59I'm seekin' guidance.
10:01Come on, everybody!
10:02For my reckoning.
10:04For my reckoning.
10:05I'll never turn to violence.
10:08I'm checkin' in.
10:10I'm checkin' in.
10:12I'm checkin' guidance.
10:13That place sucked out.
10:14Oops!
10:15Hey, you!
10:16Who, me?
10:17That's right, baby!
10:19Redemption got you snoring?
10:20That scene was fucking boring!
10:22Have you considered a vocation that is more rewarding?
10:25Because I sense a drop of star potential.
10:28With a little boost, that drip could turn torrential.
10:32Come on down to the tower, where we help talents power.
10:35No tellin' how hot you could get once you're back by our power.
10:38Let's start with a killer fit, let's hit filler in those lips.
10:41Wax that gooch and pull that strip.
10:43Snip, snip, snip.
10:44Ooh, Olive has gonna want you.
10:49In this game, no one outdoes us.
10:51No one can outpuzz us.
10:53All you gotta do is trust us.
10:55Just us.
10:57Trust us.
10:58Take all these starring roles.
10:59We trademarked all your holes.
11:01There's no such thing as being totally overexposed.
11:04Except now they're sick of you, cause they've seen waiting much.
11:07But we'll still get the clips from souls who hate you.
11:10Scratch that, they changed the channel.
11:12And we can't sell the scandal.
11:14Hope you had fun, but we are done with you.
11:16Your run is cancelled.
11:17We're finished.
11:17I'm not kidding.
11:18Get the fuck out of my building.
11:20Get the fuck out of my building!
11:21Snip, snip, snip, bitch.
11:23Ooh, but if you know someone, do.
11:28Tell them that no one outdoes us.
11:30No one can outpuzz us.
11:32All they gotta do is come on in.
11:33Come on down to the tower.
11:35Hit the tower.
11:35And see how great your afterlife could be.
11:40We can live in harmony.
11:44Why be nice when you can be famous?
11:46NASA has been signed and cash in.
11:53Guaranteed.
11:54Yeah, right, bitch.
11:55Trust me.
11:57Trust me.
11:58Trust me.
11:59Us.
12:00No, I meant to say us.
12:02Uh-huh.
12:02Yeah, okay.
12:05Ms. Morningstar, Ms. Morningstar, over here.
12:07When will you launch your next attack on the angels?
12:10What the dead angels smell like?
12:12Are all the sinners here part of your anti-angel army?
12:14I killed my wife!
12:16What?
12:16No, no!
12:17They're here to be redeemed!
12:19Didn't you hear the song?
12:20Are any of you here for redemption?
12:22I thought this hotel was where we came to kill angels.
12:25Yeah, who cares about redemption?
12:28That sounds like work.
12:30No!
12:31I know angels aren't, like, the best, but we shouldn't kill them.
12:36We need to be better than them, right?
12:39Oh, my God!
12:41Look!
12:42It's Neptune!
12:43The Adam Slayer!
12:46Nifty, can I get your autograph?
12:48Nifty, will you stab me?
12:50Someone get a picture of her stabbing me.
12:53Yes!
12:54No, no.
12:55Nifty was acting in self-defense.
12:57We shouldn't celebrate what she had to do.
13:00Nifty!
13:01Nifty!
13:02Nifty!
13:03I like to be touched.
13:05No, stop touching her!
13:06They brought the fight to us.
13:08We had to defend ourselves.
13:10I never wanted to...
13:11I wouldn't...
13:12T-Let's kill angels!
13:13T-Let's kill angels!
13:16T-Let's kill angels!
13:21T-Let's kill angels!
13:22T-Let's kill angels!
13:23Charlie, is this now officially the Angel Killer Hotel?
13:26Charlie, have all your staff killed angels.
13:28Charlie, do you have to be a cannibal to sign up for the Angel Killing Army Hotel?
13:32And I regret killing my wife!
13:35We-we-we accept cannibals. I, um...
13:38Charlie, are you okay?
13:39Uh, yeah, I'm-I'm fine. Uh, I-I just...
13:43Oh, man. Charlie ain't looking too good under pressure.
13:46Alistair, shouldn't you help her?
13:48Should I? Perhaps. Will I? No.
13:53Do I enjoy being difficult? Most definitely.
13:57I-I-um...
13:59Poof! Here I am. Did I do that right? There we...
14:01Hey, don't worry, Charlie. Someone important is here to help.
14:07Oh, shit! What's that?
14:09Huh? Where'd they go? They were just here.
14:12It's a fucking duck! He tricked us!
14:15Who's the best and biggest demon shark in the world?
14:18You are. You are, you million shark wave.
14:22This better be important, Vox.
14:24I was in a marketing meeting about which trends are worth killing over.
14:29Oh, yeah, he likes to talk.
14:30But you don't have to listen. You can just focus on me, baby.
14:34I said to come alone, Val.
14:36Ding-ding, Shaki!
14:39Hey, I was using that.
14:42I summoned you both here because we need to discuss some of your recent public displays.
14:48Velvet, you can't just fuck with Carmilla Carmine in front of other overlords.
14:52It makes business harder.
14:54Why?
14:55You're lucky I didn't skin the bitch. She was boring.
14:58And, Valentino, you cannot keep hitting angel dust in public.
15:03It's...
15:03No, it's not. It's not funny anymore.
15:06When have I ever hit him?
15:11You're obsessed with me.
15:13Our brand is perfection, remember?
15:16We cannot let ourselves look weak to other overlords or to sinners.
15:20We are above petty bullshit.
15:23Well, maybe people should start sucking less.
15:28Or more.
15:29Moving on.
15:30Now, as we all know, Charlie Morningstar recently proved that angels can be killed.
15:35And not just angels, the big motherfuckers, the big boys.
15:40Now, obviously, she's gonna plead innocent and play the...
15:44No, we should all get along and be friends and...
15:47Shook each other off, Card!
15:48But I think we can spin that.
15:50I think we can use the hotel's reputation and hell's renewed hope
15:54and start a hell-wide uprising against heaven with us at the top, huh?
16:00Uh...
16:00I know you won't believe this, but I don't understand.
16:05Okay, from the top.
16:07And I'll try to go slow.
16:12Wow.
16:13Thanks for the escape, Dad.
16:17I don't know what's wrong with me.
16:19Well, you know, your friend and your old hotel both kind of died.
16:23So I think you're allowed to be a little off, sweetheart.
16:26Yeah, but if I don't snap out of it soon, people will get the wrong idea of me.
16:29And the hotel.
16:30And then...
16:33Dad, how do you deal with all the stress of being in charge of things?
16:40I don't know.
16:41I just manage.
16:43Somehow.
16:44Mom would know what to do.
16:46She was always so good at this.
16:48Staying calm.
16:49Being the voice of the people.
16:50Being the...
16:51The...
16:52The center of attention.
16:53With everyone looking to her.
16:54To follow her.
16:57Ignoring meaningless things.
16:59And people.
17:01Yep.
17:02She was, uh...
17:04So good at that.
17:05Do you miss her?
17:07Oh, yeah.
17:08Every second of every day.
17:11For the past...
17:13What is it?
17:13Almost eight years?
17:15I miss her too.
17:19But...
17:20She'd be proud of me, you think?
17:22Oh, honey.
17:24She'd be so proud of you.
17:26Are you kidding?
17:27At least I'd hope so.
17:28Hey, hey.
17:29Just take a deep breath.
17:30Okay?
17:32The show must go on, Charlie.
17:35And you...
17:37Were born for this spotlight.
17:39Yeah.
17:41Okay.
17:43Thanks, Dad.
17:43For being here.
17:48Come on, Mom.
17:49Pick up.
17:51Pick up.
17:52The account holder on this line is unavailable.
17:54Or they're avoiding you.
17:56Leave a message.
17:57Hey, Mom.
17:57It's me.
17:59Again.
18:00Again.
18:02Uh...
18:03I'm...
18:03I'm sorry to bother you.
18:05But I'm...
18:05So overwhelmed right now.
18:08Look, the hotel is full.
18:10Which is great.
18:10But the sinners are here for the wrong reasons.
18:12They want to kill angels.
18:14Which is the opposite of what I stand for.
18:15And I know you wanted demons to be empowered.
18:17But this is...
18:18This is the wrong way.
18:20And I'd love...
18:21Some...
18:22Advice?
18:23Maybe.
18:24If you have time.
18:26Um...
18:27Yeah.
18:28Anyway.
18:29Uh...
18:29Me and Dad are talking.
18:31Again.
18:32He's not so bad.
18:34And he...
18:35He misses you.
18:36So...
18:38Just...
18:38Give me a call back.
18:40I...
18:40I really need you.
18:43Uh...
18:44I love you.
18:45Bye.
18:49Whoa.
18:51That's an icon.
18:52Hey, did you hear I killed my wife?
18:55Yeah.
18:55It's front page news.
18:57Crazy a reporter being...
18:58What about Bagamalala for a new name?
19:01Sounds offensive.
19:02Maybe Bagalia?
19:02Why are you changing your name again?
19:05What's wrong with Baggie?
19:07Because Adam gave you that name.
19:08And it's demeaning.
19:09I feel like I gotta give myself one, you know?
19:12How about Baggason?
19:13Maybe you should lose the badge part in these names?
19:16I'm trying, okay?
19:17Everybody listen up!
19:20Reporters, sinners, friends.
19:22I have an announcement to make.
19:26This is the Has-Been Hotel.
19:29We do not kill angels here.
19:32So, everyone who isn't here to be redeemed...
19:36Please leave now.
19:38Is that it?
19:39Pretty much!
19:39Yes, yes, that is it.
19:41You have all gotten the wrong idea.
19:42The Has-Been Hotel is a place of peace.
19:45But I believe in every sinner.
19:47You all can change and be redeemed
19:50and earn your way to a better life.
19:52So, if you believe in our dream,
19:56then you are welcome to stay.
20:00Absolutely not.
20:04None of these people paid their tab.
20:06For what it's worth, babe.
20:08That was a good speech.
20:09I'll understand eventually.
20:13I suspect this endeavor will end in spectacular failure.
20:18Which will make a thrilling research essay.
20:22Ah, well, it's only a worthy experiment if you actually try.
20:26Welcome to the hotel, Baxter.
20:28So, is he like the new penchant?
20:30No.
20:32And when this baby reaches the top...
20:35BAM!
20:37And that's how we'd rule heaven.
20:39Any questions?
20:41Okay, but like...
20:42I don't get it.
20:43Why do we even need to rule heaven?
20:45How would we like...
20:47Get up there?
20:48Semantics, Val.
20:49Let me tell you a story.
20:51Back on Earth when I was alive,
20:53I was the leader of a very influential group.
20:56You mean the cult?
20:57You could call it a cult, but I'd say it was more of a movement.
21:00And I was the center of it.
21:02And I swear I'd never felt closer to being a god.
21:06That's a feeling that I'd give anything to get back.
21:09And a feeling that I'd love to share with both of you.
21:13We have the chance to be more than overlords.
21:17We have the chance to be gods.
21:21It's not what heaven is.
21:24It's what it could be.
21:27With new management in charge.
21:29Like you.
21:31And you.
21:32And me.
21:34Once we get up there.
21:38And snag that angelic throne.
21:41Our unholy trinity could make their realm our own.
21:46We'll pack up all their piety and redecorate.
21:51That our tower would look powerful with pearlier gates.
21:56Once we get up there.
21:59Up to the promised land.
22:01A hundred billion souls await our every command.
22:04We're the biggest fish in hell.
22:06How about we upgrade the bowl?
22:08It's time for growth.
22:09Let's rule them both.
22:10Take total control.
22:12Think of all your dreams that could come true.
22:15Even the wet ones.
22:16Yeah, those two.
22:17Imagine what it could enable.
22:19For my label.
22:19Yes, a heavenly host that vows to none but us.
22:22I can have half new angels say.
22:24Air off their wings and make them dresses.
22:26Ever's besties.
22:27That some princess showed us the way.
22:30To make those haloed cabronas pay.
22:34And once we're gods, I can't wait to say.
22:38To everyone who doubted me.
22:40Your doubting days are done.
22:41You'll be cornered, trapped, and tortured.
22:43Then I'll end you just for fun.
22:46Once we get up there.
22:49The shining kingdom of God.
22:52No more petty squabbles with the dead.
22:55As we stroll the golden promenade.
22:58What's an overlord to a deity?
22:59They ain't got a prayer.
23:01It'll be so nice in paradise.
23:03With a splash of ice, they'll pay the price.
23:05We'll move the sky from up on high.
23:07And I get up there.
23:16They're fucked!
23:20Hey.
23:21Hey.
23:22What do you think about Vanessa?
23:24It's not bad, but it's not as unique.
23:29But if you like it and I love it.
23:33I don't.
23:34You'll come up with a good one.
23:38I think what makes me saddest is that none of us got to say goodbye.
23:44Ugh.
23:45I wish I could just stop the feelings and just do what I need to do.
23:49I just can't.
23:49Charlie, the feelings are important.
23:52You're allowed to feel them.
23:54How about you just let me take on more of the hotel stuff?
23:57Until you're ready.
23:58Really?
24:01Okay.
24:03Okay.
24:04Thanks.
24:05Then, for now, the hotel is yours.
24:08Hey, what do you think about the name Vazzy?
24:10Sounds cool and tough, right?
24:13Uh...
24:13Yeah, I'll keep workshopping.
24:15Yeah.
24:18Our new top, top story.
24:20Charlie Morningstar, Hell's Greatest Threat.
24:24That's right, Katie.
24:25Our recent reports from the Has Been Hotel tell us that Morningstar demanded all demons seeking retribution for the exterminations
24:31to get out on threat of death.
24:34It seems Morningstar has no desire to build an army for demons who want to fight back, and instead wants
24:42to create a hostile environment where she forces sinners to change and fit into her restrictive puritanical mold.
24:51Scary stuff.
24:53I know I'm scared.
24:54And everyone else should be, too.
24:57In other news, Hell's powerful threesome of box tech, the Vs, are now offering sanctuary to all those affected by
25:06Charlie Morningstar's actions.
25:08Don't listen to those chuckle fucks.
25:10What are they?
25:10How are they?
25:10What I don't...
25:16You're right.
25:17I'm sure this will be old news in a week.
25:19For now, I'm getting you a hearted daddy.
25:26Charlie!
25:27Emily?
25:27Sorry.
25:28I don't have much time.
25:29Heaven's going into lockdown, because, you know, Adam was killed, but now Sarah is worried about Hell wanting revenge, and
25:34Heaven doesn't want any more death, but is really scared of what's going to happen next.
25:37Anyway, long story short, Pentius was redeemed, and he is in Heaven now.
25:41Yay!
25:41But don't worry.
25:42I'll be back again as soon as I can.
25:43But yes, your hotel totally works.
25:46Congratulations!
25:47Bye!
25:47Bye!
25:48Bye!
26:23Bento.
27:15Bento.
27:45Bento.
28:05Bento.
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