- 1 day ago
After leaving the armed forces, George Harper returns to run The Unicorn pub, beginning a fierce rivalry with The Lion pub on the other side of the river.
George Formby - George Harper
Rosalyn Boulter - Mary Colton
Ronald Shiner - Fingers
Ian Fleming - Uncle Shad
Wally Patch - Sprout
Philippa Hiatt - Lavender
Enid Cruickshank - Miss Gummidge
Robert Ginns - Crabtree
Mike Johnson - Toby
Frank Drew - Jed
Daphne Elphinstone - Mitzi Montrose
Rita Varien - Mrs. Brindle
Moore Raymond
John Coyle (as John E. Coyle)
Roddy Hughes - Mr. Fishby
Lyn Evans (as Lynn Evans)
Johnny Claes - Self (as Johnny Claes and His Band)
Freddie Crump
Johnny Claes and His Claepigeons - Themselves
Ronnie Scott - Member of Johnnie Claes band
Dickie Bamber - Pelican on stage
Harry Locke - Demob Suit Fitter
Director - Marcel Varnel
George Formby - George Harper
Rosalyn Boulter - Mary Colton
Ronald Shiner - Fingers
Ian Fleming - Uncle Shad
Wally Patch - Sprout
Philippa Hiatt - Lavender
Enid Cruickshank - Miss Gummidge
Robert Ginns - Crabtree
Mike Johnson - Toby
Frank Drew - Jed
Daphne Elphinstone - Mitzi Montrose
Rita Varien - Mrs. Brindle
Moore Raymond
John Coyle (as John E. Coyle)
Roddy Hughes - Mr. Fishby
Lyn Evans (as Lynn Evans)
Johnny Claes - Self (as Johnny Claes and His Band)
Freddie Crump
Johnny Claes and His Claepigeons - Themselves
Ronnie Scott - Member of Johnnie Claes band
Dickie Bamber - Pelican on stage
Harry Locke - Demob Suit Fitter
Director - Marcel Varnel
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00The End
00:03:00It was the wrong time, now, to leave the little wife.
00:03:03You'll be after leaving your little Colleen at the right time of her life.
00:03:06And when she meets you, man, aye, and when you greet you,
00:03:10with a hello, darling, now we'll carry on, look you indeed to goodness.
00:03:14Yes, I'm going to love you more and more, man.
00:03:16Never had it before.
00:03:17You've been a terrible hell of a long time gone, indeed to goodness, look you, whatever.
00:03:20I'm not going to love you, baby.
00:03:21Yeah.
00:03:43I'm not going to love you.
00:03:47I'm not going to love you, baby.
00:04:50I'm going to love you more and more, so hurry and bolt the door, you've been a terrible hell of
00:04:56a long time gone.
00:04:57We've been a long time, a long time gone, a terrible hell of a long time gone.
00:05:15Hey, what time do they open?
00:05:17What do we go? We'll open them up quick enough, what we'll have?
00:05:20Give me a covering phone, I'll kick down the door of the first pub we come to.
00:05:24I can do it a pint.
00:05:25Look at the nipper. When he left England, he wasn't even weaned.
00:05:29You want to start a milk stout with a teat on the end of the bottle?
00:05:37Well, it's been a grand war.
00:05:39I haven't, I'm not sorry it's over.
00:05:40Wake up there, wake up!
00:05:42You're not at a ready picnic?
00:05:44Still in the army, don't you forget it!
00:05:47Hutter!
00:05:50Everything but the kitchen stove, eh?
00:05:52Should I have that? Oh, I'll go and get it then.
00:05:54If you don't look slippy and fall in, you'll get it all right, lad.
00:06:04Hurry up, dear!
00:06:05What do you want me to do?
00:06:06Carry a short picker back?
00:06:11Just two more days and tell him what to do.
00:06:14Stop talking in the rags!
00:06:17Party!
00:06:18Camp!
00:06:19And wipe that smile off your faces!
00:06:25Oh, you.
00:06:27Just what do you think you're supposed to be?
00:06:29Me?
00:06:30Private George Arthur of the British Army, sir.
00:06:33Oh, pardon my mistake.
00:06:35For a moment I thought maybe you was one of them Italian generals.
00:06:39Oh, no, nothing like that, sir.
00:06:40Take that bloody hat off!
00:06:42Sergeant Major.
00:06:45Hurry!
00:06:46Right!
00:06:46Head!
00:06:48Hurry to the left!
00:06:49Clear!
00:06:50Ox!
00:06:58Standing in the train all the way up without a cup of tea or a wad,
00:07:02driving across London in a bumpy lorry,
00:07:03and I lay any money, I don't get a suit that'll fit me.
00:07:06Cheer up, finger, this is our big day.
00:07:08Well, it's all right for you.
00:07:09You've got that nice little pub your dad left you to go back to.
00:07:11You're lucky.
00:07:12Ah, I'm lucky I'll have Black Island to sound you fellas growling and grumbling smile, man.
00:07:16Why do lots of people grumble and wish they had a million, dream all day of castles in the air?
00:07:26Now you will never hear me grumble, I've never craved a million.
00:07:31The little love guard is a great big lot, I haven't a care.
00:07:36I was christened with the horseshoe, there's a rainbow everywhere I go.
00:07:40Though I haven't got a lot to show, though I haven't got a lot to show, lady luck's a friend
00:07:44of mine.
00:07:45I was christened with the horseshoe, and I'm looking on the sunny side.
00:07:50Cause the sunny is the funnest side, everything is going fine.
00:07:56Now I'm walking down on easy street, cause I've found her someone very sweet.
00:08:01There's a flat to let on easy street, and I've got a feeling she's gonna be there with me.
00:08:06I was christened with the horseshoe, I can laugh at any cloudy sky.
00:08:11Cause I only see the clouds roll by, lady luck's a friend of mine.
00:08:16I was christened with the horseshoe, and I've even got the lump to show.
00:08:21And I take it everywhere I go, all the world's a friend of mine.
00:08:26I was christened with the horseshoe, to the jockeys I'm the perfect host.
00:08:31Every horse I back is past the post, lady luck's a friend of mine.
00:08:36I had a lovely bit of luck today, and a lot of money came my way.
00:08:41So I'm gonna paint the old town gay, and a certain little she's gonna be there with me.
00:08:47I was christened with the horseshoe, can you wonder why I don't go wrong?
00:08:51Why me life is just a happy song, lady luck's a friend of mine.
00:09:07Glad to be back in civis, isn't it?
00:09:08Yeah, I suppose so.
00:09:09What are you gonna do now? You're out of it.
00:09:11Oh, I don't know. I ain't got no home. I've still got my old profession.
00:09:14Hey, no more of that pickpocketing. You said you were gonna turn that lark up.
00:09:17I know, but habits is habits, as the sign goes.
00:09:19No need to salute. You're not in the army anymore.
00:09:22No, sir.
00:09:22And you needn't call me sir.
00:09:24Okay, cop.
00:09:26Please take your raincoats off and let me see the suits you've chosen.
00:09:28Yes.
00:09:29Come on, the gentleman says so.
00:09:38Oh, look, a soldier.
00:09:41Oh, that coat's too tight, my man.
00:09:43I ain't your man.
00:09:44Lady Sargent's right fingers. Better go and get refitted.
00:09:47No, it's just right. I like a nice waist, Sarge, darling.
00:09:49Kind of smart.
00:09:51Every man's entitled to a free suit that fits him.
00:09:54Like a glove, not like a skim.
00:09:56Take off that coat.
00:09:57Oh, Sarge.
00:09:57Take it off.
00:10:05And that one.
00:10:06What?
00:10:10And where exactly did you get all those coats?
00:10:16Habits is habits, as the saying goes.
00:10:21Beg your pardon, sir?
00:10:24Crikey, the war really is over.
00:10:37Well, I'll be.
00:10:40Habits is habits, as the saying goes.
00:10:48Isn't the country air wonderful?
00:10:49Yeah.
00:10:50Smells like beer.
00:10:51That's because we're getting near the old unicorn.
00:10:53You know, this takes me back a few years.
00:10:56I used to come home this way from school, and just about here, I always used to bump into Farmerdean's
00:11:01old cow.
00:11:03Oh, sorry.
00:11:05Are you really going to let me live in the pub with you, George?
00:11:08Well, as long as you go straight.
00:11:10Come on.
00:11:11Ah.
00:11:13Well, there it is.
00:11:15There's the old unicorn.
00:11:18Old is right.
00:11:20Well, the older the federal, the nearer the born, I mean, the cut off the giant, well, you know what
00:11:26I mean.
00:11:36This doesn't look right to me.
00:11:38Any pub looks right to me, even this one.
00:11:41Ah.
00:11:42Remember the unicorn, eh?
00:11:43Yeah.
00:11:44Somebody seems to have forgot it.
00:11:46This isn't like Toby to let the place get out of hand like this, you know.
00:11:49Who's Toby?
00:11:50He's the pop boy.
00:11:51He's been running the place since me dad died.
00:11:52Maybe the kid skipped out.
00:11:54The kid can't skip, he's nearly 80.
00:12:00Don't rush it.
00:12:01Buck a grenade in first.
00:12:02What, and blow up my pub?
00:12:04Booby traps.
00:12:05Don't be daft, there's no booby traps in England.
00:12:09Toby.
00:12:11Toby.
00:12:13Toby, it's me, George.
00:12:14I've come back.
00:12:16Toby.
00:12:18Where is he?
00:12:22Toby?
00:12:24Well, maybe he's down the cellar.
00:12:29Toby, how you down there?
00:12:32Well, that's funny.
00:12:33All the doors are open.
00:12:34Here, you better see if there's any do-re-me in the till.
00:12:37Course there is.
00:12:40It must be hanging behind that smoke screen.
00:12:42Well, this is a rum do.
00:12:44Rum is right.
00:12:45What time do you open round here?
00:12:47Well, we should be open now.
00:12:49Oh, well, I can take a hint.
00:12:51Yeah, and I can take a pint.
00:12:52Yeah, I know what you can take.
00:12:53What?
00:12:54They're running.
00:12:54Well, skip it.
00:13:07What's going on here?
00:13:16What's going on with Toby?
00:13:17He must be boss-eyed.
00:13:19Well, we've got one in the first three.
00:13:20Do you know?
00:13:23Is that Toby?
00:13:24Well, if it is, he's changed his voice.
00:13:26Oh, I cussed him at last.
00:13:47Oh, I quite agree with you, young man.
00:13:49I never said anything.
00:13:50Words have no meaning in the presence of a masterpiece.
00:13:54Isn't it lovely?
00:13:55And although I'm a man of more than usual diffidence and modesty, I really have to admit that no other
00:14:00word would do my work justice.
00:14:02I'm sure you're in agreement with me, sir.
00:14:04She's a nice bit of handwork, all right?
00:14:05Homework, turn it up.
00:14:07That's Mary Colton, isn't it?
00:14:09It is.
00:14:09A living, breathing likeness of that charming young woman.
00:14:12Does she still live at the Lion across the river?
00:14:14She does indeed.
00:14:15And because of her, the Lion lives.
00:14:17A sweet girl.
00:14:19My gum, she is that.
00:14:20We've known each other since we were this eye.
00:14:22Well, this eye.
00:14:24First one was me.
00:14:25That's Mary.
00:14:25Are you a relation of hers, young man?
00:14:27Oh, no, sir.
00:14:28That's why I'm lucky.
00:14:28I don't understand you.
00:14:30Or do I?
00:14:32Well, it'd, I mean, it'd be nice for her.
00:14:37We.
00:14:38Us.
00:14:40In case, er...
00:14:42Well, we, er, she, I, I haven't seen her since I joined up.
00:14:48Hmm, lucky Mary.
00:14:49Yes.
00:14:50Huh?
00:14:50And now, as you appear to be on the right side of the bar, I'll drink your health.
00:14:53Whiskey, my boy.
00:14:54And don't spare the bottle.
00:14:55Yes, sir.
00:14:56Er, no, sir.
00:14:58Er, double whiskey coming up, sir.
00:15:02With extra measure.
00:15:04Water?
00:15:04Water?
00:15:05I don't want to rust my inside.
00:15:07It's your inside.
00:15:08I salute you, Shadrack.
00:15:09Oh, thank you, sir.
00:15:10Er, me name's George.
00:15:12I'm Shadrack.
00:15:13Oh, I'm sorry.
00:15:14There's no need to be sorry, young man.
00:15:15I like my name.
00:15:16It has an air.
00:15:17Er, je ne sais quoi.
00:15:19But, excuse me, sir.
00:15:20Yeah?
00:15:21I'm not up in present-day prices.
00:15:23What do they usually charge you for a double whiskey?
00:15:25They don't charge me anything.
00:15:27Oh, I see.
00:15:28You don't know who I am.
00:15:30I don't give a...
00:15:31Well, you can't go out of here with that pain.
00:15:33Stand still.
00:15:34Don't move.
00:15:36You have one of the most interesting faces I ever clapped eyes on.
00:15:39Do you think so?
00:15:40Oh, pronounced lack of character.
00:15:41Yes.
00:15:42Complete absence of intelligence.
00:15:44Your face baffles me.
00:15:46It probably baffles your poor mother.
00:15:48I'll study it later.
00:15:50Now, here is her face.
00:15:52Go on, have a do with him.
00:15:53What an expression.
00:15:54A perfect criminal type.
00:15:57Who, me?
00:15:59Pickpocket, I should say.
00:16:00Oh, striped me.
00:16:01Lavender.
00:16:02Lavender?
00:16:02Sweet lavender, what a picture you make.
00:16:04I'll give over, Uncle Chad, do.
00:16:06I hope you had luck in the market.
00:16:07I'm feeling hungry.
00:16:08What's for lunch, fair creature?
00:16:10Sausages and mashed.
00:16:11Oh, well.
00:16:12As cooked by your fair hands,
00:16:14my blessed damoiselle,
00:16:15will be food for the gods indeed.
00:16:22Here, you.
00:16:23What are you doing all over there?
00:16:24Well, I've only been drawn a couple of pounds
00:16:27from my pal and me.
00:16:28Oh, so that was all, was it?
00:16:30Well, out you getting.
00:16:31Come on, now, quick, too.
00:16:32And none of your tricks, neither.
00:16:34I've had the likes of you before.
00:16:35And you pay two bob for them pints
00:16:37or I'll slap you years off.
00:16:39Yes, miss.
00:16:39I'm glad somebody has to pay around here.
00:16:42You leave that till alone
00:16:43or I'll call the police.
00:16:44Get away from there, you thief, you.
00:16:46But, miss, you don't understand.
00:16:48Help, help.
00:16:49What's that?
00:16:49Help, help.
00:16:50Oh, it's only old Toby.
00:16:51Come on, now, get out.
00:16:52Toby.
00:16:53Come on, fingers.
00:16:56Hurry, help, help.
00:16:59Where is he?
00:17:00In the river.
00:17:00What?
00:17:01Oh, don't worry.
00:17:02He's only up to his ankles.
00:17:03Yeah, but he may be at first.
00:17:05Help!
00:17:06Hold on, Toby.
00:17:07We're coming.
00:17:08Help!
00:17:10Help!
00:17:10I can't hold her much longer.
00:17:13He's a whopper.
00:17:14He'll get away.
00:17:16Oh, be careful.
00:17:17I'll get him yet.
00:17:19Heave-ho!
00:17:20Heave-ho!
00:17:22Another heave-ho!
00:17:23Heave-ho!
00:17:27Hello, Toby.
00:17:28Bless me soul of a dizzy little Georgie.
00:17:32Fing it!
00:17:33Oh!
00:17:36You've got a grenade.
00:17:38What kind of a fish is that?
00:17:40Oh, a grenade.
00:17:46Don't be daft anybody to think I've never handled a grenade before.
00:17:49I should know all about them.
00:17:51Nothing can happen to this.
00:17:53Probably been in the water for years anyway.
00:17:59There you are.
00:18:00Nothing happened.
00:18:07Are you all right, George?
00:18:09Well, this is a pretty kettle of fish.
00:18:11Fish.
00:18:13What have you been doing, you old so-and-so?
00:18:15I've been fishing.
00:18:16Look, suffer.
00:18:17What, you old swiddler?
00:18:19George caught those.
00:18:20They caught me.
00:18:22Yes, and I caught you just now, too.
00:18:24Come on, up it quick and take this with you.
00:18:26Yeah, that's no way to talk to your governor, my girl.
00:18:29The governor?
00:18:30You ain't Mr. George Arpa, are you?
00:18:33That's right, he ain't.
00:18:35I am.
00:18:36Oh, are you Mr. Arpa?
00:18:38I'm ever so pleased to meet you.
00:18:39Whatever much you've thought of me.
00:18:41Behaving so unladylike.
00:18:43Oh, think nothing of it.
00:18:45That's me old pal Fingers.
00:18:46He's going to live here with us.
00:18:48You want to watch him?
00:18:48He's a bit of a lad with the lasses.
00:18:50Oh, is he?
00:18:52You and me are going to be great chums, lovey old girl.
00:18:53Oh, I've been waiting years for someone like you.
00:18:57Honest?
00:18:57Cross me heart.
00:18:58Come into the kitchen, there's some spuds waiting to be peeled.
00:19:02Here, can't you stop her?
00:19:03It's got no to do with me.
00:19:04Ha, ha, ha.
00:19:05The answer to a maiden's prayer.
00:19:13Get a move on.
00:19:15Silly female.
00:19:16She's a foreigner.
00:19:17A foreigner?
00:19:18Aye, comes from London.
00:19:20Part of that there evacuation.
00:19:23She's all right in her own way, I suppose.
00:19:25Likes a bit of back chat.
00:19:26But she works willing enough, constrid, and she don't get no wages.
00:19:31You mean you don't pay anything?
00:19:33Well, your dad used to.
00:19:34But things went pretty bad for the unicorn after he died.
00:19:38And then, and then, they got worse.
00:19:42It doesn't suppose there's been much change lately either.
00:19:45But how did you manage to buy all the beer and whiskey and food?
00:19:48I spent me savings on those, Georgie.
00:19:51Toby, old so-and-so.
00:19:53Well, what do I want my savings?
00:19:55I'm an old man now.
00:19:57Besides, we couldn't see the old unicorn close down altogether, could we, Georgie?
00:20:02Lavender!
00:20:03Lavender!
00:20:05My precious jewel, I'm getting terribly hungry.
00:20:08Your lunch will be ready and I'll take, Uncle Shad.
00:20:11Get back to them spuds, I warned you, didn't I?
00:20:14Er, does that paint a chap over here?
00:20:20Yeah, he's just about the only regular customer we've had here for months.
00:20:24If it wasn't for him, we'd have to close the place up, according to the licensing laws.
00:20:29Well, how much does he pay?
00:20:31Don't tell me, but why not?
00:20:33Because he's got no money, see?
00:20:36But Toby, that's not good business.
00:20:38I never did have no head for business.
00:20:40Well, where's all the local trade gone to?
00:20:43Mostly but went over there.
00:20:45What, to the lion?
00:20:46To you or Mary?
00:20:48She's not mine.
00:20:50If she was, you'd have the lion and the unicorn.
00:20:54Yeah, then I'd feel like I was a king.
00:21:01Mary, Mary, Mary Colton.
00:21:08It's me, George Harper.
00:21:11George, how wonderful.
00:21:12Come on over.
00:21:14Tell her.
00:21:14Of course.
00:21:16Wait for me, then.
00:21:21George, George.
00:21:23Keep your head, George.
00:21:25Business is business and flesh is something else.
00:21:27Remember that lion's taken all our trade.
00:21:36Oh, oh, blander.
00:21:39I know what's going to happen.
00:21:40I know what's going to happen.
00:21:41Help!
00:21:42Hey, you and the one of them won't bring it back again.
00:21:45Look how many have left me.
00:21:46Oh, no, George.
00:21:47I am holding on, but there's nothing holding on to me.
00:21:51Help!
00:21:51Hey, what's it like up there?
00:21:53Help!
00:21:53What shall I do?
00:21:55Do something, super...
00:21:56Oh, hello.
00:22:00Hey, get out of my purse!
00:22:02Hashes, George!
00:22:04Oh!
00:22:08Oh!
00:22:09Oh!
00:22:25Well, you've finally made it.
00:22:27Oh, just another successful amphibious operation.
00:22:29Hello, Mary.
00:22:31Hello, George.
00:22:32You can disembark now.
00:22:33You're on dry land.
00:22:35Just the same old George.
00:22:37You think so?
00:22:38After your recent aquatic exhibition, I know so.
00:22:41Now, you'd better go straight home and change.
00:22:43Oh, Mary, why should I change?
00:22:45You haven't not a scrap.
00:22:46Oh!
00:22:47Oh!
00:22:48Oh!
00:22:48Oh!
00:22:48Oh!
00:22:49Oh!
00:22:52With the compliments from the management of the unicorn to the management of the lion.
00:22:55Oh!
00:22:56Well, if you won't go home, you'd better come sit in the sun and dry out.
00:23:03You know, I'm glad I fell in.
00:23:08Well, here we are together again, sitting on the same seat.
00:23:12Reminds of old times, doesn't it?
00:23:13Where I used to help you do your homework.
00:23:15Oh, yeah.
00:23:16I helped you, too.
00:23:17Once.
00:23:18Brings back memories, though, doesn't it?
00:23:19We did have fun together, didn't we?
00:23:21You're telling me.
00:23:23And now we're business rivals.
00:23:25Rivals?
00:23:26Isn't competitors a nicer word?
00:23:28George, we must do something to put the unicorn back on its feet.
00:23:31Yes, it is a bit wobbly at the knees, isn't it?
00:23:33Trouble is, it's been pining for me while I've been away, I think.
00:23:36But I'll have them as right as ninepence in no time.
00:23:38I hope.
00:23:38Well, there should be enough customers for both houses.
00:23:41Collectively, Tumblefoot has a thirst like nobody's business.
00:23:44Yeah, well, that's our business, yours and mine.
00:23:47It's not mine anymore, George.
00:23:49What?
00:23:49I'm only a tenant here now.
00:23:51I've sold the freehold.
00:23:52Oh, I see.
00:23:56You've sold the lion?
00:23:57I had to.
00:23:58When Dad died, the magistrate wouldn't give me a license.
00:24:00But why for?
00:24:01Why?
00:24:02They said I was too young.
00:24:03Oh, well, I can understand that.
00:24:05Anyway, I don't know the first thing about managing a pub.
00:24:08Yeah, but who's looking after it now?
00:24:09The new owners have put in a manager, a very go-ahead young man, Jed Brindle.
00:24:13His mother's the housekeeper.
00:24:15I'm not going to like him.
00:24:23Now, who's that chap out there with Mary?
00:24:26That's George Harper.
00:24:29Harper from the Unicorn, Mrs. Brindle?
00:24:31Yes.
00:24:32He must be just back from the army.
00:24:33Good.
00:24:34Hear that, Crabtree?
00:24:35I did.
00:24:37Harper, eh?
00:24:39What's he doing with Mary?
00:24:40If I was you, Jed, I'd make it my business to find out.
00:24:43And quick.
00:24:46I can turn my own against that.
00:24:51I brought your coat over for you, sir.
00:24:53Oh, thanks.
00:24:53It's nice of you to be looking after Mr Harper.
00:24:55It's a pleasure, miss.
00:24:57He needs constantly watching.
00:24:58Well, why don't you and I...
00:24:59Oh, you mustn't sit about all wet like that, sir.
00:25:01Oh, Mary, dear.
00:25:03If you're not too busy, Ma, I would like to have a word with you.
00:25:06I can't be a minute.
00:25:06Well, this is George Harper, Jed Brindle.
00:25:12How do you do?
00:25:15In bathing?
00:25:16Yes.
00:25:17No.
00:25:18He's so hot-headed.
00:25:19He has to be cooled off every so often.
00:25:21Don't you, George?
00:25:22That's right.
00:25:22You own the Unicorn, don't you?
00:25:24Yes, that's right.
00:25:25Nice, tiny little pub it was.
00:25:27In your dad's time.
00:25:28And it'll be a tiny little pub in my time, too.
00:25:30I hope so, old boy.
00:25:31I hope so.
00:25:32Well, good luck, Harper.
00:25:33Drop over sometime if you want some good beer.
00:25:35Come along, Barry.
00:25:37See you soon, George.
00:25:38Yes, please.
00:25:42Oh, thank you.
00:25:52Here's the governor now, gents.
00:25:54You talk to him first, and he'll be a sitter for me.
00:25:58Oh, Mr. Harper.
00:25:59Very glad to know you.
00:26:00How do you do, sir?
00:26:01My name's Crabtree, my card.
00:26:02I hope you've got a few minutes to spare for me.
00:26:05Financial agent.
00:26:06Loans and security.
00:26:08Now then, Lavender, haven't you got any work to do in the kitchen?
00:26:11My assistant's doing it.
00:26:12In the kitchen.
00:26:15All right.
00:26:16You'll join me in a drink, Mr. Harper?
00:26:17Sure.
00:26:18Toby, a double whiskey for the governor.
00:26:21Now, Mr. Harper, it's about that little matter of a hundred pounds you owe me.
00:26:26But, what did that...
00:26:28For interest long overdue on the mortgage on this property.
00:26:31Mortgage?
00:26:32On the unicorn?
00:26:34Don't talk so daft, my dad.
00:26:35He never thought of doing such a thing, would he, Toby?
00:26:38He didn't just think of it, George.
00:26:40Eh?
00:26:40He did it.
00:26:41He did it, sir.
00:26:43Oh.
00:26:45Cheerio.
00:26:47Cheerio.
00:26:48Since Toby here became the trustee of your father's estate,
00:26:51I have most generously allowed him to postpone interest payments.
00:26:54But, business is business, as you might say.
00:26:57Matter.
00:26:58I suppose it is, really.
00:27:01But, what can I do about it?
00:27:03Pay me the hundred pounds.
00:27:04If not, I'm very much afraid I shall have to initiate foreclosure proceedings.
00:27:09You mean, you can take the unicorn away from me?
00:27:11Just that.
00:27:12I would have to put it up at forced sale.
00:27:15You know, I've only got hundred pounds in the whole of the world.
00:27:18Please, give me time to pay.
00:27:20So is it tomorrow morning?
00:27:22Tomorrow morning?
00:27:22I shall expect you at my office in Cromby at 11 o'clock.
00:27:26Good day, sir.
00:27:29See you later, Sprout.
00:27:30I shouldn't be surprised.
00:27:32Yeah, George.
00:27:33This one's on me.
00:27:34My name's Sprout.
00:27:36Archibald Sprout.
00:27:36How do you do, Archibald?
00:27:37Mr. Sprout.
00:27:38I couldn't help overhearing what that old user of Crabtree was saying to you.
00:27:42You need money.
00:27:43Well, I have money.
00:27:45That's nice.
00:27:47You mean, let's sit down and talk things over.
00:27:54I sometimes do a bit of trading in your line of business.
00:27:57You know, buying up likely properties and selling them again when I get them spruced up a bit, you understand?
00:28:01Eh, I think so.
00:28:04Well, I might be able to take this place off your hands.
00:28:06At a reasonable figure, of course.
00:28:09Oh, I see.
00:28:11Well, there's nothing doing, mister.
00:28:13My great-grandfather had the unicorn and none of my family ever deserted it.
00:28:17And I wouldn't sell it now, not for a million pounds I wouldn't.
00:28:20Now put that on your needles and knit it.
00:28:22Remember?
00:28:23Unicorn.
00:28:24Don't worry, Wellington, I will.
00:28:26This is my home and I'd rather starve than leave it.
00:28:28You don't know what's good for you, you young idiot.
00:28:31Oh, so you think I'm daft, eh?
00:28:32No, no, no, don't get excited.
00:28:34I only meant you're foolish not to sell.
00:28:35You might not get another chance, you know.
00:28:36Well, I'll risk that.
00:28:37Yeah!
00:28:38All right, all right, all right.
00:28:40That idiot won't sell.
00:28:42He'll sell all right by the time we get through with him.
00:28:45It'll clean him out tomorrow when he pays up that hundred quid,
00:28:47but what he doesn't know is that another payment of fifty pounds falls due in thirty days.
00:28:53Then we'll have Mr. Clever Harper exactly where we want him.
00:28:57I'll fix it so that you can buy up the property at the forced sale.
00:29:00Then we'll resell when the price is right.
00:29:02Sounds all right.
00:29:03What do you mean, we?
00:29:04I mean, you and I will split the profits, of course.
00:29:07Do you agree?
00:29:07It's a deal.
00:29:27Well, why don't you stand up, you pair of twerps?
00:29:31Hey, you!
00:29:32All right.
00:29:44Soldiers!
00:29:45Arrest those men!
00:29:46They tried to draft us!
00:29:48Do you see that notice?
00:29:49You come along with me.
00:29:51The bow dot.
00:29:55I'll tell you, there's no justice.
00:29:56Instead of sending those two rapians to prison,
00:29:58the magistrate find us two quid each.
00:30:00I'm going to smash Harper,
00:30:02and the quickest way to do it is to get his license removed.
00:30:04That won't be easy.
00:30:05Just a minute, Mr. Crabtree.
00:30:06I think you and I got something in common here.
00:30:09I don't want to flash him up opposite me.
00:30:11And besides, I've got personal reasons for wanting Harper out the way.
00:30:14You see, once we can prove that Harper's been violating the licensing act,
00:30:17we've got him over a barrel.
00:30:18But he hasn't been breaking the law, has he?
00:30:20Not yet.
00:30:21But he's going to.
00:30:22This evening.
00:30:24You know, it's proper champion.
00:30:25It's just like home should be.
00:30:27It was grand of you to come over and help.
00:30:29I don't know how to thank you.
00:30:30I'm enjoying myself.
00:30:31It's wonderful what a few yards of nice bright chins will do.
00:30:34Betting up the poor old unicorn for the slaughter, as you might say.
00:30:37Oh, lavender, is that kind?
00:30:39Hey!
00:30:41Careful now, watch your stick!
00:30:43Andy, expect me to do that with this lot.
00:30:45Put them down!
00:30:46And get back to your sink and them dishes!
00:30:48Never a dull moment, eh?
00:30:50Poor fingers, it's a shame.
00:30:51You might call it that.
00:30:53Now and dear, you're marvellous.
00:30:54You've got him eating out of your hand.
00:30:55What's your secret?
00:30:56There is no secret that twerps in love.
00:30:58Love?
00:30:59What's love?
00:31:01It's a very funny feeling that goes right through you and buttons up at the back.
00:31:04You see, love's a most peculiar thing to an ordinary fellow like me.
00:31:10It can make you feel sad.
00:31:13And make you feel glad.
00:31:15There's nothing, an impossibility.
00:31:19Now you've heard of the prince of sweet Cinderella.
00:31:24She was his girlfriend and he was her fella.
00:31:27They looked on the moon when the old moon was yellow.
00:31:31Could be you, could be me, could be we, it could be.
00:31:38There's love in a mansion, yeah, and there's love in a garret.
00:31:42You tie the thing up with the old eighteen carat.
00:31:46Could be you, could be me, could be we, it could be.
00:31:49I'll never believe you're as good as you look.
00:31:53There's seldom a rose without thorns.
00:31:57You're all that I need, you can learn how to cook.
00:32:01So let's take the bull by the horns.
00:32:05Darby and Joan had no troubles, whatever.
00:32:09Yeah, they knew all the tricks about living together.
00:32:12So happy, contented forever and ever.
00:32:16Could be you, could be me, could be we, it could be.
00:32:20Calmly the bride down the aisle is seen treading.
00:32:24The bridegroom is nervous and secretly dreading.
00:32:28The music that Mendelssohn wrote for a wedding.
00:32:31Could be you, could be me, could be we, it could be.
00:32:35Words of encouragement from the old paper.
00:32:39He'd like to be sure that not very later.
00:32:43There'd be a demand for a smart frambulator.
00:32:46It could be you, could be me, it could be we, it could be.
00:32:50I'll rush back from work at the end of the day,
00:32:54contented to be where you are.
00:32:57I'll never go out when you ask me to stay.
00:33:01I won't join the boys in the bar.
00:33:05Now let's be as one, let's enjoy every minute.
00:33:10Happiness awaits round the corner, let's win it.
00:33:13So don't let's waste time, let's begin to begin.
00:33:17It could be you, could be me, could be we, it could be.
00:33:22That was lovely, George.
00:33:23You think so, Mary?
00:33:24You've had me old army pals here, here's some real music, wouldn't you, fingers?
00:33:27Yeah, and I could tag up a collection.
00:33:30Put the red cross on me.
00:33:31The double cross, you mean.
00:33:33Georgie!
00:33:34Customers!
00:33:34Real ones?
00:33:35Yeah, two of them.
00:33:36Two of them?
00:33:36And they're not various neither.
00:33:40I knew business would pick up sooner than later.
00:33:42I knew it would be sooner than later.
00:33:43Oh, George, I am glad.
00:33:44Thanks, Mary.
00:33:46You're, uh, you're, that's what you are.
00:33:50Oi, double gin and ginger.
00:33:52Double gin and ginger, yes, sir.
00:33:53Coming up, sir.
00:33:54Serve again for me, pal.
00:33:55Double scotch, yes, sir.
00:33:56Now that's the way I like to hear gentlemen talk.
00:33:58Double gin, double scotch, it sounds like old town could do.
00:34:04You are, sir.
00:34:05Tom.
00:34:06This one's on me.
00:34:07Thanks, our man.
00:34:08Cheers.
00:34:11There we are.
00:34:12Interior decoration by Mary Colton Limited.
00:34:14It's just perfect.
00:34:15What time is it?
00:34:17Three minutes to ten.
00:34:18Oh, I must go.
00:34:19Oh, no, don't go yet.
00:34:19It's still light outside summertime.
00:34:22Did I say three minutes to ten?
00:34:24Nearly closing time, excuse me.
00:34:27Good night.
00:34:27Sleep tight.
00:34:28Man, please don't bite.
00:34:29If they do, squeeze them tight.
00:34:31then they won't come another night.
00:34:33Time, gentlemen, please. Empty glasses, please.
00:34:36Well, Georgie, it isn't time yet.
00:34:37Look at your clock, girl.
00:34:39First time I ever seen a clock in a pub that told the right time.
00:34:42Well, my watch says just on ten.
00:34:43Better get it fixed, pal.
00:34:45Look, it's only twenty-two, see?
00:34:47That's right. Same as mine, see?
00:34:49I tell you, that clock's right, Georgie.
00:34:51I said it myself with a wireless at nine.
00:34:54Well, my must be going fast.
00:34:58Have you got a watch, Fingers?
00:34:59So help me, George, I ain't seen it.
00:35:02Oh, I haven't pitched a watch for years.
00:35:04Worse luck.
00:35:10How about again, mate?
00:35:11Don't mind if I do. Good at it, are you?
00:35:13Not too bad, chum, not too bad.
00:35:14That's a tale. Tis and all.
00:35:16Thank you. There we go.
00:35:22The gag's worked, ma.
00:35:23The bus still lit up over the unicorn.
00:35:25We got him where we want him this time, all right.
00:35:27Hmm. George Harbour ain't as dumb as he looks.
00:35:29Er, he couldn't be.
00:35:32Where's Mary?
00:35:32She just came in and went upstairs.
00:35:35She's been over there with him all evening.
00:35:37If I was you, I'd have an understanding with her
00:35:40before she has an understanding with him.
00:35:44Now look, pal, take the government.
00:35:46No, you take it.
00:35:47All right, I'll take it.
00:35:49Well, what do you want with it?
00:35:50I don't.
00:35:51Well, then it's silly to take it.
00:35:52Thirty-three.
00:35:53Hundred and five for you.
00:35:55Fourteen for me.
00:35:56That's right.
00:35:56Only a double seven to get home.
00:35:58Looks like you're licking me again.
00:36:01Good evening, Sergeant.
00:36:06That's right, Wellington.
00:36:07Time, gentlemen, please.
00:36:08Time.
00:36:09Please don't hurry on my account, Mr. Harper.
00:36:11Oh, that's all right, Sergeant.
00:36:12We're just closing.
00:36:14Not because I'm here, I trust?
00:36:15Oh, no, no.
00:36:17Mr. Harper.
00:36:17Yes?
00:36:18The police have received a communication
00:36:19to the effect that you are violating the Licensing Act
00:36:22on these premises.
00:36:24I never mean violate the law.
00:36:26I wouldn't know how.
00:36:27Hmm?
00:36:28Don't you call serving intoxicating liquor
00:36:30after permitted hours a violation of the act?
00:36:33Yes, but it's only just ten o'clock.
00:36:36Look at the clock, Sergeant.
00:36:37See?
00:36:41How did that happen?
00:36:44Time marches on.
00:36:45Whew.
00:36:46Got you going, chump?
00:36:47That's right, mate.
00:36:48You're the champ.
00:36:49Here's your knicker.
00:36:50What's the pound for?
00:36:51You won four games, didn't you?
00:36:53Fingers!
00:36:53Don't take his money.
00:36:54Why not, George?
00:36:55If he's mugging up to give me a quid,
00:36:56I ain't mugging up to hand it back.
00:36:58It's gambling on licensed premises.
00:36:59You can't keep it.
00:37:00Well, what's wrong with gambling if you win?
00:37:01I've been going straight, so help me I have.
00:37:03You have it.
00:37:04What?
00:37:05Bribery and corruption?
00:37:06No, my mistake.
00:37:08Mister, here's your money.
00:37:12What's the big idea?
00:37:15There's a flat-footed blue bottle brought in a lot of crocodiles.
00:37:25Crocodiles?
00:37:28Blue bottle?
00:37:29All over red, white and blue stripes and pink and yellow struts.
00:37:33Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
00:37:35They're climbing up on me.
00:37:36They're climbing up on me.
00:37:36Go away.
00:37:41What's wrong with him?
00:37:43Oh!
00:37:45I've just seen the most honorable thing,
00:37:47a fiend in human form like a gorilla,
00:37:50but it talks.
00:37:52There!
00:37:53Can't you see it?
00:37:53Take it away!
00:37:54Shoot it!
00:37:55Don't let it get me!
00:37:56So you were selling intoxicants to a drunken man, were you, Mr. Harper?
00:38:00Oh, I never did.
00:38:03Did I bring any crocodiles in here?
00:38:06No, sir. I don't think so, sir.
00:38:09And so, Mr. Harper, I must warn you that tomorrow morning at the special transfer sessions,
00:38:13you will be charged with the following offences against the Licensing Act of 1921.
00:38:18To wit?
00:38:19To wit.
00:38:20Keeping open after closing time, allowing gambling on the premises,
00:38:24selling drunk to a drink, drink to a drank, drunk, you know.
00:38:28I think it's the limit. Didn't you tell the judges you've been framed?
00:38:31I tried, but I don't think they were listening.
00:38:33What have they done about your licence?
00:38:35Oh, they've transferred the licence from Toby to me, all right, but only temporary for 30 days.
00:38:39And Squire Faison warned me that if I brought the Lord just once more, I'd be up a gum tree.
00:38:44You are in a jam.
00:38:46I wish I could meet the culprit. It's such a mean, underhanded trick.
00:38:49George, you must watch every step you take.
00:38:51Yeah, I watch every other step, too.
00:38:53Do you know I'll not dare and cross my fingers for the next 30 days?
00:38:56Good.
00:38:5730 days, eh?
00:38:59We'll have to work fast, Mr. Sprout.
00:39:01You mean you'll have to work fast?
00:39:02You won't get a penny out of me, Brindle, if we don't put this deal across.
00:39:04Well, I'm doing my best, ain't I?
00:39:06But the trouble is, there's some people here in Tummerford who think that Harper's getting a raw deal.
00:39:10A bunch of them are going over to the Unicorn tonight to give him a start.
00:39:12We'll have to stop any nonsense like that.
00:39:16Well, this here card gets a grudge against the governor of the jug and bottle.
00:39:19And what do you think he does one night?
00:39:21When the pub is full of customers, he sneaks into the cellar with a tin of paraffin
00:39:25and pours it all into the barrels of beer.
00:39:29You should have seen the faces of the crowd when they drank that mixture.
00:39:32Almost tore the place down they did.
00:39:44Ah
00:39:44Hey what are you doing with a tin of paraffin?
00:40:03Hahaha!
00:40:37What was that?
00:40:38A crowd of drunks coming from the lion, I shouldn't wonder.
00:40:56I'd like to see their faces over at the Unicorn when they drink Jed's special brew.
00:41:09Wait, wait, this is a terrible mistake.
00:41:17What are you all getting around?
00:41:23Come on, lad, let's go over there.
00:41:30Oh, lad!
00:41:42Oh!
00:41:48Come on!
00:41:50Come on!
00:41:53Come on!
00:42:04What's been happening in here?
00:42:07Paraffin.
00:42:09Everything smells of paraffin.
00:42:11Mr. Brendel, I found this in the cellar.
00:42:13The smell of something awful down there.
00:42:15That dirty little swine.
00:42:16Who?
00:42:17Your precious little friend, George Harper.
00:42:19Look.
00:42:20It's got his name on it.
00:42:21And paraffin, too.
00:42:24If putting paraffin in the beer
00:42:26ain't a low-down stinking, sneaking trick
00:42:28while I'm a Dutchman,
00:42:29which I ain't,
00:42:29unless me mother told me fibs.
00:42:31Just let me have five minutes
00:42:32to the one that did it, that's all.
00:42:33Just five minutes.
00:42:34We almost could have done it
00:42:35with them crooks at the mangy lion.
00:42:37Oh, Mary would never allow a thing like that.
00:42:40George Harper.
00:42:41So you've come to apologise, eh?
00:42:43Apologise? Me?
00:42:44I've heard of some filthy, mean tricks,
00:42:45but this takes a biscuit for sheer meanness.
00:42:47It's no use your trying to explain
00:42:48and there's nothing you can say or do
00:42:49and make the slightest difference.
00:42:50I know business is business
00:42:52and there are plenty of ways
00:42:52of competing fairly with the lion,
00:42:54but fairness isn't your strong suit, is it?
00:42:56No.
00:42:56You have to go and half-poison
00:42:57a crowd of innocent, harmless people
00:42:59to further your own miserable ends.
00:43:00I never knew anyone could be so despicable,
00:43:02least of all you.
00:43:03Oh, George, I thought you were different
00:43:04and I was fool enough to hope
00:43:06if you're going to embark on a life of crime,
00:43:08you'd better learn to destroy the evidence.
00:43:09You might at least have the guts
00:43:10to admit what you've done.
00:43:12Paraffin in the beard,
00:43:12only a gangster could think of a thing like that.
00:43:14Well, you've asked for it
00:43:15and if it's a fight you want,
00:43:16you're going to get it.
00:43:17Gloves off and no holes barred.
00:43:25I should have said something.
00:43:27Really, I should.
00:43:31When I was young,
00:43:32I used to think there were no fools
00:43:34like old fools.
00:43:36Now I know better.
00:43:37There are no fools like young fools
00:43:39and you and Mary are the most foolish young fools
00:43:42I've ever had the pleasure of encountering.
00:43:44Ah, gentlemen, please!
00:43:46Time, gentlemen, please.
00:43:48Oh, it doesn't much matter now, does it?
00:43:52To bed, George.
00:43:53To sleep.
00:43:54To sleep for chance to dream.
00:43:57Tomorrow is another day.
00:43:58Sleep it off, my boy.
00:44:00Good night.
00:44:02What are you going to do now, George?
00:44:03Read.
00:44:04Read?
00:44:04Well, stone of perishing crows.
00:44:07I'd better go and look after him.
00:44:11Now, there's none of that.
00:44:12You get away from what's left of them bottles.
00:44:14I'm only going to use the blower.
00:44:15Who's the girl?
00:44:16I'll ask her name when they send off a telegram.
00:44:17What telegram, Mr. Clever?
00:44:19Hello, miss.
00:44:20Give me telegrams and get your skates on.
00:44:21I mean, hurry up.
00:44:22Now, listen.
00:44:23George needs help.
00:44:24Finest fighting men in the British Army, they was.
00:44:26They fought for Mary England.
00:44:27Now they can have a go for St. George.
00:44:28Hello, miss.
00:44:29Telegrams?
00:44:30Telegrams?
00:44:45The lion and the unicorn were fighting for the crown.
00:44:48The lion beat the unicorn all around the town.
00:44:52Some gave her white bread and some gave her brown bread.
00:44:56Some gave them plum cake and drummed them out of town.
00:45:04Wake up, March Hare.
00:45:06March Hare.
00:45:06You'll be late.
00:45:12Mary, what are you doing here?
00:45:14Why do you call me Mary?
00:45:15My name's Alice.
00:45:17Alice?
00:45:17Well, you look like Mary.
00:45:19I think you look a very silly animal.
00:45:22For a moment, I thought you said animal.
00:45:30Hey, it's me.
00:45:32Why, of course.
00:45:34I'm the March Hare.
00:45:35And you and Alice.
00:45:36Of course you are.
00:45:37And of course I am.
00:45:40Yes, and that happened, ah?
00:45:41No time to waste.
00:45:42Come along, little girl.
00:45:44And you March Hare.
00:45:45You should never waste time, although you can beat it.
00:45:48Come along.
00:45:49Ah-ha.
00:45:50Door mouse, door mouse, wake up.
00:45:52I wasn't asleep.
00:45:53I heard everywhere you fenders were saying.
00:46:02Come along, please.
00:46:03Spread your seats in front.
00:46:04Come along, little girl.
00:46:06And you March Hare.
00:46:12Your Majesty.
00:46:14My Lords, my Ladies.
00:46:15Ladies and Gentlemen.
00:46:16And all the pawns and persons of a pack of playing cards.
00:46:19Allow me to introduce our guest of honour.
00:46:21The March Hare.
00:46:28Alice!
00:46:34In this corner, the Lion.
00:46:42In this corner, the Lion.
00:46:52Both members of this club, the prize, the crown.
00:46:55Generously presented by His White Majesty, the King.
00:47:03This contest will be fought under the rules of chess, whist, pontoon, and cut it up.
00:47:10Did you really mean the lion and the unicorn are going to fight?
00:47:13You are the stupidest creature I've ever met, March Hare.
00:47:15Can't you see they're spoiling for a fight?
00:47:19Now, before hostilities are joined, the March Hare here will favor us with a little song.
00:47:27I can't sing here.
00:47:28There's no such word as can't. You can sing anywhere if you try.
00:47:31All right. Music.
00:47:38Listen, folks, I'm the mad March Hare, I'm crazy as a chap can be.
00:47:44But if you look around, you'll find folks crazier than me.
00:47:50Tell me please, said the walrus to the oyster, where's my wife? I can't find her anywhere.
00:47:55If she's in the oyster bed without pyjamas, that'll make me madder than the mad March Hare.
00:48:01The queen of hearts said, I'll have the king beheaded, very soon he's gonna have a scare.
00:48:07When he finds he's got no head, he'll have a headache, that'll make him madder than the mad March Hare.
00:48:12The lion and the unicorn are fighting for the crown.
00:48:18On the lawn from early morn, we congregated here, and while we waited here,
00:48:24the cook, he said, for the crab, I've got no salad, served undressed, why, he'll be absolutely bare.
00:48:29Then said the crab, if I catch a cold and sneeze my head off, that'll make me madder than the
00:48:34mad March Hare.
00:48:37The parrot man on the perch was gaily swinging, but when he was salted in the air, Alice said,
00:48:45now, if he should fall and break his contract, that'll make him madder than the mad March Hare.
00:48:49On the left, folks, see the pelican so greedy. He bolts his food, he gets more than his share.
00:48:55But if his beak doesn't hold more than his bellican, why, that'll make him madder than the mad March Hare.
00:49:01The lion and the unicorn are fighting for the crown.
00:49:07On the lawn from early morn, we congregated here, and while we waited here, pardon me, said the duchess to
00:49:15the dormouse,
00:49:15have you left your knitting on the chair? If the king sits down, he's bound to get the needle,
00:49:21and that'll make him madder than the mad March Hare.
00:49:27Marry me, said the footman to the rabbit. Marry you, said bunny, have a care.
00:49:33If I have a family, a brick of tigglers, that'll make me madder than the mad March Hare.
00:49:39Tweedledum, said me pants are getting tighter. Tweedledee, said you fatter, I declare,
00:49:44if you can't do your belly button button up, well, that'll make you madder than the mad March Hare.
00:49:50The lion and the unicorn are fighting for the crown. On the lawn from early morn, we congregated here,
00:50:00and while we waited here, let's a lope, said the monkey to the parrot. Fly with you, said Bolly, have
00:50:07a care.
00:50:07If I do, well, you mustn't start your monkey trick, so that'll make me madder than the mad March Hare.
00:50:13I'm the mad. March Hare Hare.
00:50:17Ah! Talk about me!
00:50:30Go to it, unicorn. Don't let me down. I've done my best for you.
00:50:33Spend up and find her a lion, you phony horse.
00:50:36Go on, unicorn. Give him all you've got. Shock him. Shock him again. Go on, unicorn.
00:50:46Go on, unicorn. Go on. Go on, unicorn. Go on. Go on. Go on, unicorn.
00:50:54Come away. Come away. Look.
00:50:56Oh, send him off. Send him off.
00:51:06Go on, unicorn.
00:51:09Look out. He's behind you.
00:51:10Where?
00:51:11Not you, you phony horse. Where are you? Go on, unicorn.
00:51:17Go on, unicorn.
00:51:19Go on, unicorn.
00:51:22Sully.
00:51:25Good gracious.
00:51:29No!
00:51:30Go on, unicorn.
00:51:35Go on, unicorn.
00:51:41My crown! My crown! The knave of hearts has stolen my crowns! Stop him!
00:51:46Give me that! Give me that!
00:51:50You see? That's my prize! Give him!
00:51:54I'll see you!
00:51:55Oh, Alice! Alice! I'll save you, Alice!
00:51:58I'll save you, Alice! Help! Help! Let me go, let me go!
00:52:01Mr. Robbins! Mr. Robbins! Wake up, sir!
00:52:04It's all right, darling. I'll save you. I'll never leave you, darling.
00:52:07Oh! Mr. Arthur! George! I never dreamt!
00:52:14Nesta! Ooh! Ooh! What a dream!
00:52:19George! Say it again!
00:52:21The devil are you doing, Georgie? I thought there was a march hair!
00:52:24Well, there's no reason why you should act like one!
00:52:28Now, you're all right! You're a blinkin' chugged hair!
00:52:37I had a funny dream last night, Uncle Shad.
00:52:39Uh-huh.
00:52:40The garden round at the back was all full of flowers everywhere,
00:52:43and there were tables and chairs, and people sitting round them, eating and drinking,
00:52:46and there was a platform with a band on it playing, and I was singing to the people, and...
00:52:50More like a nightmare, huh?
00:52:51Uncle Shad!
00:52:52Oy, oy! Go back a minute!
00:52:53Oh! Look, why couldn't that dream come true?
00:52:56If we had that band and the tables and the flowers, the people on the river might come ashore and
00:53:00join in the fun!
00:53:03Hey, wouldn't work, though, would it?
00:53:04Why not? Well, it's a great idea.
00:53:06Hiring bands and tables, having enough money to hire a mouth organ.
00:53:13Hey, how are you? All right?
00:53:15Now, remember what I told you. We got a real fight on our hands this time,
00:53:18and don't let George know my scent for you.
00:53:21No.
00:53:23Doesn't look like I can do anything for the old unicorn.
00:53:26It's a back number.
00:53:41Well, I'm certainly glad to see you fellas.
00:53:44But how did you all get here together?
00:53:46I mean, at once.
00:53:47You told us to remember the unicorn, George.
00:53:50A pub's a pub, never to be forgotten.
00:53:52Well, now that you are here, you're going to stay, aren't you?
00:53:55There's plenty of room, isn't the fingers?
00:53:57Plenty of room. Plenty of work, too.
00:53:58It'll need a lot of elbow grease to get the old unicorn into the pink again.
00:54:01Yeah, but we can't let our guests work.
00:54:03Try and stop us.
00:54:18Can we head to our back?
00:54:25There's plenty of room.
00:54:26So there will be two or three and then, do you try?
00:54:28Oh, no.
00:54:46Yeah, that's all.
00:55:06Up near, Mr Sprout.
00:55:07No, no, no. No beer, Jenny.
00:55:08I'll never touch another drop as long as I live.
00:55:11Make it a large whiskey.
00:55:12You see what Harper's up to?
00:55:13Yes, you know what's behind it?
00:55:15Pushing up the place for a grand reopening
00:55:16with wine, women and song in the garden.
00:55:19Going all out to bring in the river trade.
00:55:20If he brings it in, we're sunk.
00:55:22We won't sink.
00:55:23I'm a jump ahead of you this time.
00:55:25I've got an idea for a secret weapon that just can't fail.
00:55:29Cheerio.
00:55:30Cheerio.
00:55:33Oh, excuse me.
00:55:37Is this the unicorn?
00:55:39Yes, miss, this is the unicorn.
00:55:41Are you the landlord?
00:55:42Yes, George, I'll take your service.
00:55:44Oh, how nice of you.
00:55:46Well, now, what can I do for you, miss?
00:55:48I'd like to stay here with you, Mr Harper.
00:55:51With me?
00:55:52Oh, I'm so very tired.
00:55:53After a perfectly beastly journey from London,
00:55:56I'd like to go up to bed at once.
00:55:59To bed?
00:56:00Well, you have a bed, haven't you?
00:56:03Yes, but I sleep in it.
00:56:06By myself.
00:56:07Alone.
00:56:07With nobody.
00:56:09The lady means she wants to rent a room, like a guest.
00:56:12I hope.
00:56:13Oh, silly of me.
00:56:14Yes, of course.
00:56:15Well, we'll get a room ready for you right away, Miss...
00:56:17Miss Montrose, I'm on the stage in London.
00:56:20Oh, an actress.
00:56:22Oh, no, Mr Harper.
00:56:23I'm just a singer.
00:56:24A singer?
00:56:25Well, that's champion.
00:56:26I'm a singer too, like birds of a feather.
00:56:30I'll show you to your room, miss.
00:56:31I will.
00:56:33Follow me.
00:56:52Hello.
00:56:53Hello, Uncle Shad.
00:56:55May I come in?
00:56:55Of course.
00:57:00I'm nice to see you.
00:57:02Sit down.
00:57:03Oh, no.
00:57:03Oh, dear Vino, I daren't.
00:57:06George would be terribly angry if he knew I'd sat down in the lion.
00:57:08I don't like people standing about.
00:57:10It makes me nervous.
00:57:11Now, don't you start getting angry with me.
00:57:12Look, I want to show you this picture I've just finished.
00:57:18It's beautiful.
00:57:19Yeah.
00:57:20He has a sort of a nice face when you get used to it.
00:57:23I meant the painting.
00:57:25Do you ever sell or exhibit any of your pictures?
00:57:27Can't be bothered.
00:57:28Would you sell me this one?
00:57:30Oh, certainly not.
00:57:32I'll give it to you.
00:57:33Oh, I could...
00:57:35Would you really give it to me?
00:57:36My dear, it's yours.
00:57:37Oh, thank you.
00:57:38Oh, by the way,
00:57:41when are you and George going to start behaving sensibly, hmm?
00:57:44He couldn't behave sensibly if he tried.
00:57:46He's the stupidest man I've ever met.
00:57:49Yeah, indeed.
00:57:50Well, I hope it keeps fine for you both.
00:57:52Goodbye.
00:58:11Good evening, Your Majesty, Your Worship.
00:58:13Good evening, sirs.
00:58:13Good evening, madam.
00:58:14Well, Harbour, this is your last night of Greece.
00:58:16Is she coming, too?
00:58:17Eh?
00:58:18Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
00:58:19By Jove, I like a bottle with a sense of humour.
00:58:22But no more whitewash.
00:58:23My colleagues on the bench and I have come to judge for ourselves whether or not to renew your temporary
00:58:27licence, which expires tomorrow.
00:58:28Oh, ho, ho, you've just got to renew it, Squire, Your Worship.
00:58:31I mean, I hope you will, Your Lordship.
00:58:33I haven't broken a single law for this month.
00:58:35Most extraordinary.
00:58:36Now, don't break in it this evening, eh?
00:58:38Yes, I will.
00:58:38No, I won't.
00:58:39Basil, justice for these benches.
00:58:41I mean, a bench for these justices.
00:58:43This way, please.
00:58:43Please, please.
00:58:44Oh, no.
00:59:09Ta!
00:59:18Well, George, my boy, what a wonderful opening.
00:59:20It is, isn't it?
00:59:21There's only one thing missing, you know.
00:59:22She hasn't turned up yet, huh?
00:59:24No.
00:59:24And she never answered the letter I sent her,
00:59:26saying that I was sorry for thinking the things I did about her.
00:59:29Never think when you were the pretty girl, my boy.
00:59:30It wastes valuable time.
00:59:35Harper's having a bit of a do over there, isn't he?
00:59:37It seems so.
00:59:38Well, let him have his fun while he can.
00:59:41You're wanted in the bar, Jade.
00:59:43All right, Mark.
00:59:53Hello, George.
00:59:54Now, you know what to do?
00:59:55Don't start anything till I give you the signal.
00:59:57Here's a quid for each of you to begin with.
00:59:59There'll be another couple of quid each when you finish the job.
01:00:01Now, you better get along.
01:00:02All right, go on, mate.
01:00:11Anything wrong, dear?
01:00:15You should know, Jed.
01:00:16What do you mean?
01:00:17I overheard what you said to those tufts, and I want to know what you're up to.
01:00:20Now, Mary, don't worry your pretty head about things you don't understand.
01:00:24I'm going to the unicorn to warn George.
01:00:26I wouldn't do that if I were you.
01:00:28I'm hanging the business end of the lion, and I've managed all right so far, haven't I?
01:00:31You certainly have.
01:00:32And Mary ought to show a little gratitude.
01:00:36Young man.
01:00:37Sir?
01:00:38Miss?
01:00:39Your pleasure, madam?
01:00:40I haven't come here to discuss my private life.
01:00:42I want some attention.
01:00:43Ah, well, I'll have a double.
01:00:44Nothing like whiskey to make you feel frisky.
01:00:45Ha, ha, ha.
01:00:46I say the funniest things, don't I?
01:00:48Take that disgusting poison away.
01:00:50Yes.
01:00:50Bring me a glass of water at once.
01:00:53Water?
01:00:53This is a pub, not a Washambridge-Hook joint.
01:00:56Well, hurry.
01:00:56I'm thirsty.
01:00:57Okay, sister.
01:01:06Quick service, that's how I'm at about them.
01:01:09Ah!
01:01:09There's a fog in this glass.
01:01:11Be quiet.
01:01:11Perhaps everybody will want one.
01:01:14You can't keep me locked up in here.
01:01:16Give me that key.
01:01:17You're not leaving this room until Jed gives the word, and he will be back for quite a while.
01:01:21So I should sit down and take it easy.
01:01:24Two ports, a pint of mild and bitter, a sherry and a double gin and nut.
01:01:27Double gin's all round coming up.
01:01:29Busiest day I ever remember.
01:01:32Georgie, the lion might just as well take a run and jump at itself into the river.
01:01:36Hello, Mr Harper.
01:01:39Ah, Miss Montrose, there you are.
01:01:40I was wondering what you were up to.
01:01:42What do you mean?
01:01:43Well, I haven't seen you since the party started, and I was, well, I thought you might have changed
01:01:47your mind about singing.
01:01:48Oh, but I promise, I'll give you all a treat you'll never forget.
01:01:53I'll bet you will.
01:01:54But you mustn't do any dancing.
01:01:55I'm not a dancer, Mr Harper.
01:01:57Oh, no, you're not a dancer, but I've got to watch my license like a hawk, you see.
01:02:01It doesn't allow for dancing.
01:02:03Well, are you ready to sing now?
01:02:04Oh, no, that would be too sudden.
01:02:06You sing your song, and I'll close the bill.
01:02:09And how.
01:02:12Oh, well, perhaps you and Jed are right.
01:02:14I don't know anything about business.
01:02:17What are you saying?
01:02:19Pillow slips.
01:02:20Well, since I've got to be here, I'll do one for you.
01:02:23Oh, good.
01:02:29Mary.
01:02:30Mary, Mary, stop fooling.
01:02:31Mary, let me go.
01:02:45Mary.
01:03:08Come on, boys.
01:03:11Come on, boys.
01:03:32Move over, I can't see.
01:03:34Yes, but we...
01:03:35I like your nerve.
01:03:36Shut up.
01:03:51George, George.
01:03:54George, it's me, Mary.
01:03:58Mary.
01:03:59Shh.
01:04:00Don't let anyone see me.
01:04:01Yes, but...
01:04:11Got something?
01:04:12Eh, no, no, I thought I heard voices.
01:04:16You know, fairies.
01:04:19But what do you do, near Sargent?
01:04:21Is there anything wrong?
01:04:22That's what I'm here to find out.
01:04:24Huh.
01:04:25Voices.
01:04:27Fairies.
01:04:27Heh, heh.
01:04:28With wings, and...
01:04:33Mary, I don't know what to say.
01:04:34You're all wet.
01:04:35I didn't mean it that way.
01:04:38Here, dry yourself on this.
01:04:40No, take your clothes off first.
01:04:41Oh.
01:04:42No, hide behind this.
01:04:43I won't look.
01:04:45I can't see.
01:04:46Why?
01:04:46I've got me eyes shut.
01:04:50Jed.
01:04:51She's brought a gang of puss to break up the party.
01:04:53He tried to stop me coming to warn you.
01:04:55Oh, well, what do we do now?
01:04:56Well, first of all, I'd better dry you off.
01:05:07Now, I warn you, Ridley.
01:05:08If you've brought me all this way from London on a wild goose chase, I'll sue you.
01:05:12And your newspaper, too.
01:05:13Unless your goose is a swan.
01:05:14Relax, Mr. Fishmill.
01:05:15Relax.
01:05:16Our man's here, all right.
01:05:17We'd better hard tip off where to find him.
01:05:18And you're the only man in London who can identify him.
01:05:25Here we are.
01:05:29Well, what can I get for you, gentlemen?
01:05:31Brandy, whiskey, liqueurs, aspirin?
01:05:34Three beers, please.
01:05:35Mr. Owen.
01:05:37Who's speaking to me, sir?
01:05:38Aren't you Shadrach Owen?
01:05:39What a ridiculous name.
01:05:41I'm Thimberic.
01:05:42Jonas Percival Thimberic.
01:05:44I'm one of the waiters here.
01:05:47That's Shadrach Owen, all right.
01:05:49That's all we wanted to know.
01:05:59Now, ladies and gentlemen, your host, George Harper, will sing a song for you.
01:06:03Good old George Harper!
01:06:06He was George Harper!
01:06:12Mr. Harper!
01:06:13Mr. Harper!
01:06:15That's me, didn't you?
01:06:16Oh, yes, I've got to sing for him.
01:06:17Your dress will be dry in a minute.
01:06:20OK, Johnny, strike up the band!
01:06:29If you've a pub or a small hotel, you need a licence for all yourself.
01:06:36You may think I'm romancing, but they even thank you for singing and dancing.
01:06:43You need a licence, whatever you do.
01:06:47One or two things they've exempted, it's true.
01:06:50Lumbagal, the gout or a touch of the flu, you don't need a licence for that.
01:06:57I've got a licence for chickens to lay.
01:07:02One of them sat on a brick yesterday, one of them sat on a brick yesterday, and then started cloaking
01:07:07as much as to say, hee, hee, hee, hee, we'll need a licence for that.
01:07:12We'd have a good time, but wine's in the wood time, if it were duty-free.
01:07:19We'd cut the taxis with our battle axes, then roll and the barrel for me.
01:07:26You need a licence for shooting down game, but I'd rather flirt with a beautiful dame.
01:07:33Cause I get the sport with the birds just the same, and I don't need a licence for that.
01:07:45Allow me.
01:07:51Thanks ever, sir.
01:08:08I'll give you my licence.
01:08:11I'll give you my licence.
01:08:22There is most licence you've had on your life.
01:08:26If you've a cow, then there's trouble and strife.
01:08:29As Farmer Dean said when he looked at his wife, hee, hee, I don't need a licence for that.
01:08:36We sit in the pitchers as warm as a glove, in the back row of the circle above.
01:08:43It's a box worth of dark and a basin of love, and we don't need a licence for that.
01:08:50We'd have a good time, a wine's in the wood time, if it were duty-free.
01:08:57We'd cut the taxis with our battle axes, then roll out the barrel for me.
01:09:04Fishing at Richmond is licenced by law.
01:09:08A chap to his girl said, now you hold your jaw.
01:09:11You know exactly what I'm fishing for.
01:09:15And I don't need a licence for that, no, sir.
01:09:18I don't need a licence for that, no.
01:09:30Well, I hope you're all enjoying yourselves.
01:09:32Cos I am.
01:09:33But your big treat is yet to come.
01:09:35The unicorn proudly presents Miss Mitzi Montrose, star of the Phonic Theatre London, who has come down here especially to
01:09:41sing for us.
01:09:41Come on, folks, give her a big hand.
01:09:52I've been reading in a book of Adam and of Eve.
01:09:57Love the apple fig leaves and his...
01:09:59George, see those men over there?
01:10:02They're part of Jed's gang.
01:10:04Tough-looking bunch, aren't they?
01:10:05And they're here to make trouble.
01:10:08They're getting used to trouble.
01:10:10What are you going to do?
01:10:11I don't know, but if they try and start it, then we shall try and finish it.
01:10:14Oh, what's the use of these smart-cut clothes of silk and gold?
01:10:19Goodness, no.
01:10:20Gee, gee, it's easy to see.
01:10:22You don't need them.
01:10:24Now, what's the use of a gig of gowns?
01:10:27Hot-so-go-dow, a operative towel.
01:10:29To be this luxury, why, you don't need them.
01:10:34All I want is the wooden stars.
01:10:36Clothes don't be a thing.
01:10:38Oh, let me roam as I was born.
01:10:40I fell up on the wing.
01:10:42Oh, what's the use of an item?
01:10:44With others, you can't believe me.
01:10:47Oh, gee, it's easy to see that.
01:10:49You don't know.
01:10:50You want to know.
01:10:51You don't.
01:10:52Oh, gee, let me roam as I was.
01:10:54You've got a string of these.
01:10:55Oh, who wants me to see those things?
01:10:57Oh, gee, there's a piece of people.
01:10:59You don't need them.
01:11:00Now, what do you mean?
01:11:02What do you mean?
01:11:02I'm quite a piece of paper.
01:11:04Oh, gee, it's easy to see.
01:11:06Oh, she's not supposed to do that.
01:11:08Oh, okay.
01:11:09Oh, that's a good idea.
01:11:11We're no close than I say.
01:11:13Oh, what do you say to me?
01:11:14Oh, what do you say to me?
01:11:16Oh, what do you say to me today?
01:11:16And we can say evil's got our way.
01:11:19Oh, gee, a dangerous thing.
01:11:21Oh, no, you don't.
01:11:23Oh, no, you don't.
01:11:23Keep going.
01:11:24Oh, come on.
01:11:24Shane!
01:11:25Hold the phone!
01:11:26Hands off her!
01:11:31Oh, come on!
01:11:33Maybe underseat get away!
01:11:35Oh, no, you don't?
01:11:39Oh, come on!
01:11:42Oh, man!
01:11:43Oh, man!
01:12:00Come on, come on!
01:12:32Take your hands off me!
01:12:43Take your hands off me!
01:12:45Take your hands off me!
01:12:49George, back to Bradford!
01:13:07Let me show you the friend of yours!
01:13:16Yeah, George, help yourself!
01:13:18You've been a bad lad, a very bad lad!
01:13:23No, no, no, no, no!
01:13:24George, you can't arrest that woman!
01:13:27You've been a bad lad!
01:13:27You are under arrest for creating a disturbance in a public house!
01:13:30Please!
01:13:31You've got nothing on me!
01:13:32Oh, yes, I have!
01:13:33My coat!
01:13:34I'm innocent!
01:13:34I'm not going to trade the rat for him!
01:13:36There's a man who hired me!
01:13:38I never saw that woman before in all my sight!
01:13:40I've got your letter to prove that you offered me 20 quid!
01:13:46Go away, young man!
01:13:47Shoo, shoo!
01:13:48I don't want to be interviewed!
01:13:49I want to be left alone!
01:13:50That's impossible from now on, Mr. Owen!
01:13:52All London's talking about!
01:13:52And I don't want to be talked about!
01:13:55What are they saying?
01:13:56And that your picture, Remember the Unicorn,
01:13:58has made the biggest sensation in years at the Royal Academy exhibition!
01:14:01Look!
01:14:03Hey, it's a picture of me!
01:14:07Why, so it is!
01:14:08Don't shoot him!
01:14:09Oh, don't shoot me!
01:14:10I'm innocent!
01:14:11I didn't send this picture to the Academy!
01:14:13I don't believe in exhibitions!
01:14:14I sent it to Uncle Shad!
01:14:15What?
01:14:15You've been hiding your light under a bushel too long, hasn't he, George?
01:14:18Yes!
01:14:19Come out from behind the bushes, Uncle Shad, and get lit up!
01:14:21No, I can't!
01:14:22Somebody's pinched my drink!
01:14:24Ah, thanks!
01:14:24Mr. Owen, you know me as the most honest-aft dealer in London!
01:14:28I'll give you a thousand pounds for these pictures!
01:14:30Oh, they're not mine to sell!
01:14:32They all belong to George Harper!
01:14:34You can't be all George!
01:14:37Me?
01:14:38Of course!
01:14:39I'm not a sponger!
01:14:40I gave them to you for my board and lodging, didn't I?
01:14:43Mr. Harper!
01:14:44You'll take a thousand pounds!
01:14:47Will I?
01:14:48Ah!
01:14:49All right, I'll make it fifteen hundred!
01:14:50Fifteen hundred?
01:14:51Oh, chicken feed!
01:14:53I know!
01:14:53I know!
01:14:55Pay George Harper two thousand pounds!
01:14:59Two thousand?
01:15:00Mary!
01:15:01Hold me out, I think I'm going to faint!
01:15:03Ah!
01:15:04Gentlemen!
01:15:05Yes, time, gentlemen, please hurry up!
01:15:06Drink up and go away!
01:15:07Time!
01:15:08Good night, everybody!
01:15:09And dear glasses!
01:15:10Come on!
01:15:11Come on!
01:15:11Off to bed!
01:15:12Not you, Mary!
01:15:13Good night!
01:15:14Good night, square!
01:15:15I don't want to lose my license, you know!
01:15:16Good night, everybody!
01:15:17Good night!
01:15:19Thank you, Mr. Fishby!
01:15:20Don't forget the pictures!
01:15:21Tomorrow you'll call from the one!
01:15:22Good night!
01:15:23Good night!
01:15:23Good night, Uncle Shannon!
01:15:24Thanks very much!
01:15:25All right!
01:15:26Fingers!
01:15:27You two, kitchen!
01:15:28I brought out George!
01:15:29Colby!
01:15:30You watch them with your eyes, sir!
01:15:35Mary!
01:15:39Yes, George?
01:15:42I'm going to love you more and more, and I hope never through the door there'll be a terrible hell
01:15:47of a long time gone!
01:16:05Finally?
01:16:06No!
01:16:19Anycipe anything?
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